Original subtitles

You had to use the facilities the other day.

Oh, fucking Alexander.

Mmm�hmm. This is where the dicks hang out.

Oh, that's right. Gail had told me

you're helping with clean up here now, eh?

(CHUCKLES) Shake more than once and we know what you're doing.

How long you been at it?

48 fiscal hours.

More than enough time to see a nightmare or two in here, eh.

Sometimes there's shit,

on the outside of the torlet.

�Huh? �Sometimes there's shit,

on the outside of the torlet.

Huh. Is that right?

If you think that's bad, you should see the uriness.

�Huh? �If you think that's bad,

you should see the uriness.

They get pretty hairy over there?

Sometimes there's shit,

on the outside of the uriness.

�What? �Sometimes there's shit,

on the outside of the uriness.

Fuck a duck.

Well, how do you think it got there?

Remember how I said, sometimes there's shit

on the outside of the torlet?

�Yeah. �Well, I'll bet the shit

got on the outside of the uriness,

the same way the shit got on the outside

�of the torlet. �Didn't that sound...

This piss is now streaming.

�Wayne? �No.

How are you now? Not so bad. Good, and you?

�Alexander. �Out there, you're Canadian.

In here... European.

Oh, shit.

Looks like someone unswallowed over there.

Hmm. If you think that's bad,

sometimes there's shit, on the outside of the torlet.

�Huh? �If you think that's bad,

sometimes there's shit, on the outside of the torlet.

I spray the seat from time to time

when I've got crap on tap,

but I never miss the bowl entirely.

Fuckin degens need to mind their scruples.

If you think that's bad, you should see the uriness.

�Huh? �You think that's bad,

you should see the uriness.

Hmm. Pretty hairy over there?

Sometimes there's shit, on the outside of the uriness.

�What? �Sometimes there's shit,

on the outside of the uriness.

How the fuck did shit get there?

Remember when I said, sometimes there's shit

on the outside of the torlet?

Feels like you told me that nearly a year ago now.

Though we're kind of burning daylight here, eh?

�Mmm�hmm. �I bet the shit

got on the outside of the uriness,

the same way the shit got on the outside

�of the torlet. �Uh�oh.

No offense or nothing, but I think

I rather just piss outside, Alexander.

I just came in to wash my hands.

Why are you washing your hands?

�Had a dart. �Hm.

Well, I'd have a dart.

Maybe I'd have a dart with you

and then wash my hands after that dart.

Hey gents.

I know how the shit got on the outside

of the torlet and also the uriness,

but why would someone

take a shit on the outside of the torlet

and also the uriness?

'Cause that's where the dicks hang out.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

�Wayne. �Katy.

What are you up to today?

�What abouts? �This aft.

What, like this afternoon�ish?

This afternoon�ish, yeah.

Well, I'd have to check my agenda.

�You check your log? �Check your records?

Well, I checked your day planner

and your logged line underlined it in bold

and highlighted in italics.

Oh?

Anything, uh, ringing a bell?

�Striking a cord? �Drumming on up?

Oh, that's right.

ALL: Yard sale Saturday!

Super fucking shooters.

You boys ready to dicker?

Well, you always gotta dicker.

Heard McMurray's got a real good spread this year.

�How big a spread? �Like good size spread.

What, like two�three table spread?

No, like three�five table spread.

A three to five tabler!

Gail's tabling all of her old glassware

so I'll get a set or two.

Well, Katy, you better make sure you got

fucking room for another set.

There's plenty of room for another set.

Katy, there's such a thing as too much sets,

a gal oughta be fucking aware of it.

Dan, you still gonna be after old books?

Well, same as you is gonna be on the hunt for old pornos Dary.

Yeah, I bet the McMurray's got a good spread on their spread.

And there'll be lots of old tins

and signage for you, big brother.

Good buddy, how that get to be your niche?

Old signs and tins?

Well, it's the history of it I like.

It's the history, you see.

Where it started, why it started,

where it's been.

Professor Tricia says, lots of those old corporations

were run by racists and that they should just be left

in the waste paper basket where they belong.

Well, I should tell Professor Tricia

if you don't understand where you came from,

you never understand where you are.

�Bak�set. �Attaboy.

Well, make sure she dickers.

Well, you always gotta dicker.

Wayne, why don't you tell us the Canadian Pickers'

guide to dickering?

You mean the greatest Canadian

feelgood show of all time,

�Canadian Pickers? �Yep.

�Step one. �Identify item

and recite some history on it

to establish genuine interest in the said item.

�Step two. �Ask the seller,

what are you gonna need to have out of that?

�Step three. �No matter what price

the seller gives you, tell the seller,

"Well, that sounds like retail to me."

KATY: Step four.

Circle back on step two

and ask the seller,

"What's the absolute best you can do on it?"

And step five?

If the seller holds firm,

bundle item of interest in

with a few other items to get the price down

to one you're comfortable paying.

�Bob's your uncle. �Masterful.

That's how you fucking dicker.

Well, you always gotta dicker.

Are one of youse wearing perfume?

Men aren't supposed to wear perfume, Katy.

She might means cologne, good buddies.

Could be eau de toilette 'cause that's unisex.

Oh, what fucking isn't these days?

Sounds like someone's going on a date.

Well, it's not a date. It's a...

go along.

Sounds like a date to me.

No, it's not a date. It's a...

walkabout.

Rosie came calling.

Is it racist to say that

I think Rosie looks a whole lot like Princess Jasmine?

No, we're just gonna take the dogs

for a run there, so.

Hmm. Doggy date.

Sounds like a pretty choice afternoon, big brother.

Some say the choicest.

Well, I'm gonna bring Dierks.

So, see if Rosie wants to come too.

(GRUMBLING)

Couple of five�elevens, if I've ever seen 'em.

�Huh? �You're fucking average.

Do you think Bush did 5/11?

Update.

Uh, we couldn't exactly...

get the club off the ground.

You're kidding.

Told ya. Pay up.

That's strike one. Moving on.

BROdude has suggested we lend you

resources for a photoshoot.

See if we can't get you looking a little less

herrrr.

�Sick! �I shot down that suggestion.

�Gutty. �And suggested

that any resources lent to Derek Zoolander

and Hansel would be misused resources.

So, you're going to do it yourselves.

Be models?

A photoshoot.

�Huh. �Find a photographer

and have them shoot you the way

you would like to be portrayed

as BROdude brand ambassadors.

Get a girl or two like this on board

to check the representation box,

strip 'em down like this,

and send to me when complete. Kapiche?

Isn't it kinda not PC

to include a girl but then sexualize them?

Pull out your fucking tampon.

Could we... could we use those girls?

Remember what I just said

about misused resources?

�Yes. �And neither one of these girls

would cross the street to piss on you if you were on fire.

Would you?

You've let me down today.

I'm gonna have to take a number on both of you.

What's the opposite of "he?"

BOTH: Herrr?

You're fucking right it is. 24 hours.

Okay, bro.

We're gonna need a mega babe.

Hmm.

Daryl's ex�sweetie!

(BOTH CHEERING)

Is it racist to say that I think that

Daryl's ex�sweetie looks like Princess Jasmine?

ALY: Stewart.

�Aly. �Stewart.

Bianca�donk.

�Stewart. �Roald.

Know that quote from Spider�Man,

with great risk comes great reward?

Actually, it's with great power comes...

She's paraphrasing.

We're back in business, baby.

�C�Nicholadas. �G�Nicoladas.

Actually, it's GHB�Nicoladas.

She's abbreviating.

We're going back to the city, but

before we do,

Let's talk about the great reward

that follows your great risk.

ROALD: And that quote is actually

by Uncle Ben as well, not Spider�Man.

She's ballparking, Roald!

For clarification, we're talking about...

Some of that good fucking.

�Mmm. Mm�hmm. �Mmm. Mm�hmm.

Wonderous.

Keys.

�You seen Rosie yet? �No.

We've got two hours to run the dogs

before I'm back with Dierks. So, pitter�patter.

Okay.

Must've been kind of weird.

First impression meeting Dierks at the rippers, eh?

Well, a first impression's a lasting one.

Proceeding with caution.

You're a big girl.

Buck and a half, we're tabling yard sales, 10�4?

ALL: Over and out.

�Wayned. �Dan.

Must be kind of weird first impression

meeting Katy's new sweetie at the rippers there, eh?

A first impression's a lasting one.

Well, she said she'll proceed with caution.

Well, she's a big girl.

You don't much care for him, does youse?

No, you shouldn't air your dirty laundry.

�Good guy? �Who, Dierks?

He's a pretty good guy.

Oh, he's a great guy then. Dierks.

�Why do you say it like that? �Huh?

�His name. �Who, Dierks?

�Yeah. �Well, I make him say

�Dierks anyway. �Oh, sures he does.

Say my name.

�Dary. �Now his.

Dan.

And what's Katie's new sweetie's name?

�(LOUDLY) Dierks. �Yeah. Now I hear it.

You says it a certain way.

You hammered really hard on the "D."

(LOUDLY) Did I?

(GULPING)

REILLY: You know how Daryl's ex�sweetie

has a super racy Instagram?

JONESY: I can't stop loving you!

Well, I slid into her DMs and I was like,

"Hey, know how you're an Instagram model?

"Well, how would you like to be a..."

I don't even know what the fuck they're called.

�A real model? �See, that's what

I ended up going with, like a real model,

�how would you like to be... �A real model, like,

someone who is actually a real model.

Yeah, like, an actual, real model.

So, I said, "How would you like to be an actual, real model?

�Mmm�hmm. �"for BROdude energy?"

And what did she say?

Something in French.

Well, the only French I know is like... zut!

Yeah, me too. Like, zut alors!

�And what did you say? �Well,

I gave her my email address

because my email has a translation option.

�Did she email you back then? �She emailed me back, bro.

What did it translate to, buddy?

This message required no translation, buddy.

Whoa.

Zut.

Zut alors.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

(BOTH WHOOP)

Honey, you sure?

Well, look at this tall drink of Canadian Lager

lumbering over.

Lumber Lager is a choice name for a beer.

Oh well, Katy got a wee bit held up

at the border there, so thought we'd just shlep'er over.

�Shlep'er? �Hardly knew her.

Well, if no one's driving how'd youse like

to get into one of these cocksuckers?

No time like the present Ms. Mac.

�Mmm. �Oh, Wayne,

mind if I...

take your date deep inside?

Go inside the house with your date.

�Oh, we're not on a... �We're not on a...

Okay.

See, remember I was telling you

McMurray's got a three to five tabler?

Hells of a spreads you gots here, McMurrays.

It's a two knuckler table'n.

�Oh, it's a good spread. �As advertised.

Well, it's a great spread.

What were you expecting?

�Honestly, �Shall we be honest?

I thought I was coming over here to see

two�three banquet tables

with a card table on each end.

Oh, no sir.

But now I come over here and I see five banquet tables

with a card table on each end.

Once you become predictable, Wayne,

you become beatable.

What are you tabling this year, McMurray?

Oh, no. Look with your eyes,

not with your hands, Dary.

Now, would you just look at that?

Top Tobacco Canada.

Now, that is a beautiful piece.

Ain't that a beautiful piece?

Pertnear mint too.

Oh, I can see she's pertnear mint,

But unfortunately for you,

pertnear's only good in horse shoes and...

�Long darts. �Yep.

Top Tobacco Canada, founded in the early 1900s.

One of Canada's first distributor of tobacco.

Bet you didn't know that.

Oh, I am impressed with your knowledge, Wayne.

�McMurray... �Mmm?

What are you gonna need to have outta that?

Oh, that's a $50 bill any day of the week, Chief.

See, now that sounds like retail to me.

Look here, Chief. You said yourself

it's a beautiful piece. Given the condition of it,

and the historical value attached to it.

�$50 you say? �Mmm�hmm.

�McMurray... �Mmm?

What's the absolute best you can do on it?

Well, being an avid collector myself,

Wayne, I can't see myself

parting it with any less than a $50 note.

Why don't we just...

Why don't you bundle a few items together, Big Dad?

�Ol' long dick Dierks! �Pardon?

Long dicker Dierks today, tight shirt, huge pecs.

Just see if you can get the price down

just a wee bit for 'em there boo�boo kitty fuck.

Let's keep this thing civil. Very civil. Very square.

(CACKLING)

Now, that is how you dicker

you old coon hound.

You can learn something from him, Wayne.

Always gotta dicker. Never show up empty�handed.

�Brewskis? �That was polites of him.

That was polite of him.

Oh, yes. You're in G&T country now, fella.

Very hospitable. Very hospitable, very helpful.

�Thank you. �Well, there is my wife.

My well�wisher. My whole wide world, baby.

Is it racist to say that your wife

�looks like Princess Jasmine? �He's a tools.

That's Dierks, baby.

Old long dong himself?

I'm a hugger.

So you gotta get in here 'cause I'm a hugger.

I'm fucking Hugs Bunny.

�(MOANS) Oh. �There you go, okay.

�All right, easy. �Oh, it's always

nice to meet another hugger.

Don't she gives some good hugging there, Dierks?

Oh, you're a good hugger, baby. You know you're the good hugger.

Okay, we're good.

I got one for you too, Dan.

Came all the way up here to meet you, you fucking

gigantic, cheerful loneliness. Bring it in.

All right. It's gonna be slightly less intense

�than your previous hug. �Okay.

That is some good huggings.

�Hug life. �Mmm�hmm.

�Daryl. �And you.

You must be Rosie.

Then I will be.

You had to tame this one, didn't you?

Look at you, you fucking cowboy you.

You know, Brokeback break my heart.

(WAYNE GRUMBLES)

Where are the lights?

Just on the

ceiling where they generally are.

Where's the, like, production team?

You are looking at 'em.

And where's the camera?

Oh, we figured we'd just take a selfie.

But don't worry. We've taken hundreds of them.

�Thousands. �Tens of thousands.

We've taken ten thousand selfies.

(CHUCKLES) Let's recap.

BROdude Energy has hired me

for a photoshoot with no camera...

Just this guy. (IMITATING SHUTTER SOUND)

�and no lighting. �Still on the ceiling

where they generally are.

And no one from BROdude Energy is even here?

Just us.

I see two dudes in BROdude hats.

�Oh. �Oh.

Don't worry. BROdude has asked us

to be brand ambassadors,

but we have to prove to them

that we can, eh, um,

ambassa... dize.

And once we've proven that to them we're going straight

to the tippity�top.

And guess what, we're taking you with us.

All the way!

�(SPEAKING FRENCH) �Sick.

�Jonesy. �Anik.

We have this sort of, creative vision

in mind, but first we'd like to ask

what... what would you say is like the...

�Allure? �Nice, buddy.

What would you say is the biggest part of the allure

to your racy Instagram?

�Tits. �Tits!

Titties!

We also thought that was a major factor.

Not the only factor, but dudes love titties.

Dudes love titties, boys.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

� Oui. �So, with that in mind,

are you ready to begin executing our rise

as BROdude brand ambassadors?

�And yours. �Yes, of course, yours as well.

Let's ambassadize.

�Yeww! �Yew!

�Ferda! �Ferda!

�Titties. Oh! �Yes.

(MOANING)

Repent.

Sinner.

How'd you like to hear this old goat say...

�(IMITATING GOAT BLEATING) �WAYNE: Gailer.

Some other time.

Wanna see my spread?

That's for me?

Oh, I can see it.

It's very uh, substantial.

Very substantial, very specific.

My other one.

(GLEN BLOWING RECORDERS)

Look at you.

You're like a li'l Leo Day�ka�prio.

You're like a heathen Christian Bale.

You're like a Johnny dippity Depp,

mixed in with The Last Of The Mohicans

Danny Day�Lewis,

and a hint of Eddie Norton in Fight Club,

and a soupcon of Jay Bourne Matty Damon,

and it's working for me.

�(BLOWS RECORDERS) �This is Dierks.

�(MOCKINGLY) Dierks. �Hi.

The Dierker the berry

the sweeter the juice.

GLEN: Now you're like a li'l

Hughie Jackman, Bradley Pitt,

stick of Harry Ford.

Makes me wanna Hugh Dancy,

till I get Tom Hardy.

Wouldn't kick him out of bed for eatin' crackers.

Hey, Gailer?

Do you have any of those uh...

reading materials?

�DARYL: That, I uh... �Dary wants your pornos, cousin.

Why didn't he just say that, cousin?

Ask and you shall receive, Dary.

Late '70s or early '80s Playboys?

More bush

�than a Christmas tree farm. �Repent!

How's the used book collection,

�Gailers? �Ooh,

that's my purview this year, Daniel.

I've emptied out the church library,

so I have some fascinating titles

for bargain basement prices.

�Try this one. �Ooh!

And really think on it.

Original MoDean's glassware.

WAYNE: Would you take a look at that?

That is a beautiful piece.

MoDean's I,

�established in... �Okay, I got this one, Big Dad.

MoDean's I, established mid '80s

you were saying.

You were listening.

DIERKS: First drinking establishment in town

to have a dance floor.

Very conducive. Very conducive, very considerate.

Very crucial.

Very constructive.

Very cooperative.

Somebody tie my dick to my leg.

Gorgeous Gail, what are you gonna need to have out of that?

�Take 'em. �Well, thank you.

For not giving me the retail price,

but seriously, what's the absolute best

�you can do on 'em? �GAIL: Take 'em.

Take me.

I think, this is the most fired up

I've ever seen her.

Should we bundle a few items together?

I'm surprised we're not bundling a few items together right now.

(WAYNE GROANING)

Okay, Daniel. Start a library.

REILLY: It's go time, buddy.

JONESY: Getting this thing ready.

Go!

I think you're going to be pleased.

�Okay. �JONESY: My billet sister

knows photoshop.

We dug deep for this one, boys.

Great tits.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

We've blown up the photo for optimal viewing.

�Can't wait. �Without further a�dough...

Aw! Sacrament.

REILLY: Right? Sacrebleu!

JONESY: Zut alors! REILLY: Baguette!

JONESY: La bibliotheque!

�Passeporte. � Oui, oui, oui!

Soup du jour!

�JONESY: Le francais! �Okay.

Do you have the original photo? Without the tit faces?

We do. We wanted to

�show you the entire process... �Lemme see.

A star is born.

�Great movie. �Terrible song though.

Like, why does everyone have to fuckin' sing now?

I'm talking to her.

Name?

Doesn't matter. I'd like to offer you

and your tits, a six figure BROdude Energy contract.

What are your thoughts?

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

You're both fired.

Told you I was taking numbers.

And that's strike two. You're out.

JONESY: No. It's three strikes

�and you're out. �That's baseball.

Oh, I play soccer�baseball rules.

Thought I mentioned it.

Oh, well. Ciao.

Yewww!

BOTH: Yeww.

�Big brother. �How'r ya now?

�Good'n you? �Not s'bad.

�Big Dad. �(SARCASTICALLY) Dierks.

�Kat and I... �Kat?

�Katy�Kat. �Cool it.

We found a couple guys uptown,

in from out west, to hit up some yard sales.

Good dudes.

Thought you might be able to uh,

point 'em in the right direction.

(EXCLAIMS)

Sweet dick!

Smooth cock!

So Dierks, which one is which?

Nice guy, eh?

�Scott? �Sheldon?

(ALL TOGETHER) The Canadian Pickers.

What are the odds, big brother?

Your mentors in dickering. Right here in Letterkenny.

Letterkenny, Ontario.

Irish community following the 1840s potato famine.

Still strong Irish roots today.

Beautiful place.

Welcome to fuckin' Letterkenny.

�Thank you. �The boys are in the middle

of one of their tours across Canada.

Looking for hidden treasures in people's basements,

attics and barns.

Just no cameras this time.

SHELDON: I said to Scott,

see that fork in the road?

�BOTH: Take it. �(ALL LAUGHING)

I like that one. I laugh at that one every time.

The show is just terrific, fellas.

Everyone you run into across the country is so nice.

Makes a fella proud to be Canadian.

Scott can be a little aggressive dickering,

but we always leave with a smile on our face.

Just gotta know how to dicker.

Oh, you always gotta dicker.

Speakin' of dickering,

that fresh produce stand there.

That's a beauty.

I can see there is a little Birdseye maple,

and I can smell the cherry wood from here.

�Smells like Ontario. Eh, Shel? �SHELDON: It's a beauty.

So, Wayne.

What are you gonna need out of it?

Well, fellas. She's not for sale, but fuck!

Time and materials

put her at about

$2,500.

Yikes! That sounds like retail to me.

Okay, Wayne.

What's the absolute best you can do

for a couple of pickers out of Calgary?

Fellows, you know, I'd really like to help youse out,

but I can't part with it.

The history is just too important around here.

If you don't understand where you came from...

...you'll never understand where you are.

Fair enough.

But what say we bundle up some of this fresh produce?

You can take it with you on your travels.

How 'bout throw in a couple cold beers in the sunshine

and you got yourself a deal?

That's a heck of a deal.

Your terms are acceptable.

Thank you.

Where's youse guys off to next? New Liskeard?

Penetang?

Petrolia?

I couldn't believe you guys found the bell

that killed Jumbo, in St. Thomas.

BOTH: Allegedly!

(CELL PHONE RINGING AND VIBRATING)

You gonna get that?

Mind your beeswax.

It's a beautiful day for hay.

It's fuckin' barley.

�Need a hand? �Sorted.

Maybe run the house get Dary actually.

I got half cut with Scott and Shel.

Listen, incredibly sexy, Big Dad.

I know it was a bit of a weird first impression,

getting to know me at the strip club.

Very weird.

Very weird, very weighty.

A first impression's a lasting one.

�Katy... �Katy's a big girl.

When I'm at the rippers, that ain't me.

Just out having a giggle.

Putting on a show for the boys. I'm really not that guy.

�Good. �You can trust me, cute.

Yeah, okay.

You don't trust me, huh?

A snake can shed its skin, but it's still a snake.

�Katy's a... �Katy's a girl who knows

exactly what she wants.

So, if anything, you oughta have an eye.

�Okay. �And here's the thing,

and I'm gonna tell ya. If you mis�step...

you'll have every dude in Letterkenny lined up

around the block for ya.

�Won't mis�step. �And I'll be comin' first.

A guy walks into a bar.

There's a terrorist behind the bar.

Guy says to the terrorist, "I'll have a vodka

"on the rocks." Terrorist picks up a single ice cube in one hand

and says, "Oh,

"you like ice?"

Guy says, "Yeah,

"but more than one piece."

Terrorist scoops up a handful of ice in the other hand

and says, "Oh,

"so you like...

"ices?"

Get the fuck outta here.