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1
00:00:50,780 --> 00:00:52,698
I think we should
plant some flowers.
2
00:00:52,798 --> 00:00:53,798
Oh, yeah?
3
00:00:53,893 --> 00:00:55,573
What kind of flowers
are you thinking of?
4
00:00:55,636 --> 00:00:56,636
I don't know. Gardenias.
5
00:00:56,624 --> 00:00:58,503
Something like that,
that's good with the sun.
6
00:00:58,432 --> 00:01:00,033
Gardenias?
They're the purplish ones...
7
00:01:00,024 --> 00:01:01,707
Mom, I'm bored.
8
00:01:01,807 --> 00:01:03,976
- ...with the fringe?
- Mom, I'm bored.
9
00:01:04,076 --> 00:01:05,644
Just give him
the phone, would you?
10
00:01:05,745 --> 00:01:06,745
Give him the phone?
11
00:01:06,838 --> 00:01:09,233
Yeah, I shut him up
by giving him the phone.
12
00:01:12,204 --> 00:01:13,204
Yes.
13
00:01:21,579 --> 00:01:22,864
You're never,
ever even home.
14
00:01:22,963 --> 00:01:24,444
I go to
the family therapy sessions.
15
00:01:24,521 --> 00:01:25,561
How can you even say that?
16
00:01:25,548 --> 00:01:26,628
You don't even go anywhere.
17
00:01:26,462 --> 00:01:27,835
I go to the family...
18
00:01:27,935 --> 00:01:29,454
God! We're fighting
in front of Phil.
19
00:01:29,540 --> 00:01:30,740
- Obviously.
- We're fighting
20
00:01:30,766 --> 00:01:32,206
in front of the kid
the whole time.
21
00:01:32,140 --> 00:01:33,140
Knock yourself out.
22
00:01:33,031 --> 00:01:34,912
The whole time you allowed
me to start yelling
23
00:01:34,811 --> 00:01:35,811
at him in front of you?
24
00:01:35,664 --> 00:01:36,664
What am I supposed to do?
25
00:02:51,401 --> 00:02:52,603
Hey, all.
26
00:02:53,771 --> 00:02:55,121
Where's my list department?
27
00:02:55,221 --> 00:02:57,123
Raise your hand.
Raise your hand.
28
00:02:57,223 --> 00:02:59,159
Okay. You guys are
supposed to write lists
29
00:02:59,259 --> 00:03:02,162
that break the Internet
every day.
30
00:03:02,262 --> 00:03:05,731
We haven't gone viral
since fucking yesterday.
31
00:03:05,831 --> 00:03:08,034
Yesterday is not
that many days ago.
32
00:03:08,134 --> 00:03:09,169
Don't fuck with me, bro.
33
00:03:09,269 --> 00:03:12,340
We're called Chatterbox,
not Nobody-Clicks-On-Us Box.
34
00:03:12,439 --> 00:03:13,673
Okay, lists.
35
00:03:13,772 --> 00:03:15,332
Beautiful Asian girl,
what do you got?
36
00:03:15,425 --> 00:03:16,425
Thank you. Uh...
37
00:03:16,483 --> 00:03:19,012
I am working on 12 reasons
that cupcakes are over.
38
00:03:19,111 --> 00:03:21,615
I likey. I likey like.
39
00:03:21,715 --> 00:03:22,983
That's clicky.
40
00:03:23,082 --> 00:03:25,770
You. Prison lips.
What do you got?
41
00:03:26,670 --> 00:03:28,021
That's me? Um...
42
00:03:28,122 --> 00:03:29,990
I was gonna write
a list about cats
43
00:03:30,090 --> 00:03:31,358
that look like
Ryan Gosling.
44
00:03:31,457 --> 00:03:35,061
Fuck yeah, dude.
I fucking love cats.
45
00:03:35,161 --> 00:03:36,963
And I love cat lists.
46
00:03:37,063 --> 00:03:38,264
That's what I'm talking about.
47
00:03:38,359 --> 00:03:41,701
By the way, are there cats
that look like Ryan Gosling?
48
00:03:41,801 --> 00:03:43,971
If you look hard enough,
they all do.
49
00:03:44,070 --> 00:03:45,271
Love it.
What do you got?
50
00:03:45,372 --> 00:03:48,408
Ten signs
you might be dying.
51
00:03:48,509 --> 00:03:50,276
You motherfucker.
52
00:03:50,376 --> 00:03:52,078
What are you trying
to do to me, bro?
53
00:03:52,177 --> 00:03:53,847
That makes me sad.
54
00:03:53,947 --> 00:03:54,986
All right,
you know what?
55
00:03:55,081 --> 00:03:57,350
I need 20 viral lists
by the end of the day.
56
00:03:57,450 --> 00:03:59,853
- If not, you're fired. Okay?
- What?
57
00:03:59,953 --> 00:04:03,691
Like the great Shia LaBeouf
says, "Do it."
58
00:04:03,790 --> 00:04:04,858
- Yes.
- Yeah.
59
00:04:04,957 --> 00:04:05,957
Play me out.
60
00:04:08,211 --> 00:04:09,347
Play me out.
61
00:04:12,217 --> 00:04:14,100
And louder.
62
00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:17,019
Black dude, bass.
63
00:04:19,456 --> 00:04:23,194
One, two, one, two,
three, four.
64
00:04:28,733 --> 00:04:29,733
Done.
65
00:04:31,201 --> 00:04:32,202
You're welcome.
66
00:04:34,771 --> 00:04:37,872
Twenty lists by the end
of the day? I can't do that.
67
00:04:40,076 --> 00:04:43,380
Hey, I have, like,
10 extra lists if you want 'em.
68
00:04:44,983 --> 00:04:47,168
Are you serious?
69
00:04:47,268 --> 00:04:49,937
Yeah. No, it's no problem.
I'll send 'em right now.
70
00:04:50,036 --> 00:04:52,072
That's nice of you.
What's your name?
71
00:04:52,172 --> 00:04:53,841
I'm Phil.
72
00:04:53,941 --> 00:04:55,620
It's just, you know,
I've sat next to you
73
00:04:55,709 --> 00:04:57,149
for, like, three years.
So, it's...
74
00:04:57,194 --> 00:04:58,778
Phil, you are
my hero, man.
75
00:04:58,879 --> 00:05:00,213
I can't lose this job
right now.
76
00:05:00,314 --> 00:05:01,915
I am buried
in college debt.
77
00:05:02,016 --> 00:05:03,283
Oh, me, too.
78
00:05:03,384 --> 00:05:04,704
Where did you go to school?
79
00:05:05,168 --> 00:05:06,252
UC Davis.
80
00:05:06,351 --> 00:05:07,387
- For real?
- Yeah.
81
00:05:07,487 --> 00:05:08,487
Majored in journalism,
82
00:05:08,588 --> 00:05:10,757
and now I write lists
about cats on the Internet.
83
00:05:10,856 --> 00:05:12,324
Oh, that's super sad.
84
00:05:12,425 --> 00:05:14,927
- Hmm.
- How'd you end up here?
85
00:05:15,028 --> 00:05:16,862
I wanted to be
one of those guys.
86
00:05:16,963 --> 00:05:18,798
- The real news guys?
- Yeah.
87
00:05:18,898 --> 00:05:21,018
I wanted to be a journalist
basically my whole life.
88
00:05:21,112 --> 00:05:24,971
But Kai put me in lists,
so I write the lists.
89
00:05:25,071 --> 00:05:27,841
Okay, okay,
so you can't be a real journalist.
90
00:05:27,940 --> 00:05:29,975
But you know what can do?
91
00:05:30,076 --> 00:05:32,211
You could play kickball
with us today.
92
00:05:32,312 --> 00:05:33,413
A bunch of us ding-dongs
93
00:05:33,512 --> 00:05:35,230
are in this really stupid
kickball league,
94
00:05:35,329 --> 00:05:37,050
if you want to play
after work.
95
00:05:37,149 --> 00:05:39,185
You know, I don't really
do stuff like that, so...
96
00:05:39,286 --> 00:05:40,286
Plus, after the game,
97
00:05:40,370 --> 00:05:41,788
- we all get shitfaced.
- Mmm-hmm.
98
00:05:41,887 --> 00:05:44,007
Yeah,
let me check my calendar.
99
00:05:44,574 --> 00:05:46,774
So, yeah...
100
00:05:47,627 --> 00:05:49,814
Oh, man.
No, I do. I have...
101
00:05:50,447 --> 00:05:52,031
I have a thing, so...
102
00:05:52,130 --> 00:05:53,651
Don't even worry about it.
It's cool.
103
00:05:53,742 --> 00:05:55,367
You just have fun
at your thing today.
104
00:05:55,468 --> 00:05:58,889
I will, 'cause it's
gonna be pretty great.
105
00:06:01,257 --> 00:06:04,478
Siri, open
BringMeMyDinner.com.
106
00:06:04,577 --> 00:06:07,196
Siri, open Netflix.
107
00:06:09,867 --> 00:06:13,319
Siri, open Facebook.
108
00:06:13,420 --> 00:06:16,423
I haven't posted
anything since lunchtime.
109
00:06:16,523 --> 00:06:18,911
All right, let's give them
what they want.
110
00:06:22,545 --> 00:06:24,564
I'm gonna have to go
to work on this one.
111
00:06:24,665 --> 00:06:26,384
Add filter.
112
00:06:27,117 --> 00:06:28,569
Color correct.
113
00:06:28,668 --> 00:06:32,391
You know I'm gonna have
to add a giant moon.
114
00:06:32,990 --> 00:06:34,057
There we go.
115
00:06:34,557 --> 00:06:35,557
Send.
116
00:06:36,175 --> 00:06:39,846
Wow. I'm so grateful
for my amazing city,
117
00:06:39,946 --> 00:06:43,468
my amazing job,
and all my amazing friends.
118
00:07:08,091 --> 00:07:09,894
Oh, my God.
119
00:07:11,262 --> 00:07:13,831
Oh, thank God.
Oh, thank God, you're okay.
120
00:07:16,033 --> 00:07:17,836
Yeah, I'm okay, too.
Thanks.
121
00:07:19,435 --> 00:07:20,954
Oh, shit.
122
00:07:21,053 --> 00:07:23,189
Yeah... Oh, I'm sorry.
You're okay?
123
00:07:23,290 --> 00:07:24,524
Yeah, I'm fine.
124
00:07:24,624 --> 00:07:26,261
But, more importantly,
how's your phone?
125
00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:28,528
Yeah. No, it's got
a little bit of a scratch
126
00:07:28,629 --> 00:07:31,129
that will definitely
annoy me.
127
00:07:31,230 --> 00:07:33,901
You were kidding. Okay.
128
00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:35,201
Oh, yeah. Obviously.
129
00:07:35,302 --> 00:07:37,204
I'm a dick.
I'm sorry about that.
130
00:07:37,303 --> 00:07:38,557
It's all good, man.
131
00:07:39,290 --> 00:07:41,307
Uh, how's your bike?
132
00:07:41,408 --> 00:07:44,276
I can pay for any
damages or whatever.
133
00:07:44,377 --> 00:07:47,112
Yeah, it's fine.
It's supposed to be vintage.
134
00:07:47,213 --> 00:07:49,266
Probably sell it for more now.
135
00:07:50,167 --> 00:07:52,286
- This is your shop.
- Yeah.
136
00:07:52,386 --> 00:07:55,889
Whoa. That's awesome.
That's cool.
137
00:07:55,988 --> 00:07:56,988
I'm Cate, by the way.
138
00:07:57,088 --> 00:07:58,358
- Hi, Cate.
- I'm Phil.
139
00:07:58,457 --> 00:08:00,259
Mmm-mmm. Nope.
That's not how you say it.
140
00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:01,562
It's just Phil, so...
141
00:08:01,661 --> 00:08:03,362
I said it weird.
142
00:08:03,463 --> 00:08:05,399
- It's nice to meet you, Phil.
- Okay.
143
00:08:05,499 --> 00:08:07,432
Um, if you ever need
a really overpriced bike,
144
00:08:07,533 --> 00:08:08,569
or any repairs,
145
00:08:08,668 --> 00:08:09,903
I'm your girl.
146
00:08:10,004 --> 00:08:11,363
- You do repairs, too?
- Mmm-hmm.
147
00:08:11,458 --> 00:08:12,538
Wow. That is incredible.
148
00:08:12,637 --> 00:08:14,278
I don't even know
how to pump up a tire.
149
00:08:16,225 --> 00:08:17,310
Oh, you're serious.
150
00:08:17,410 --> 00:08:18,944
Yeah, it's embarrassing,
isn't it?
151
00:08:19,045 --> 00:08:20,404
Yeah,
that's really embarrassing.
152
00:08:20,497 --> 00:08:22,778
Yeah, I don't know why I said it.
I just sort of like...
153
00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:23,836
I mean, it's all good.
154
00:08:23,838 --> 00:08:25,918
A lot of people don't know
how to pump their tires.
155
00:08:25,877 --> 00:08:27,687
- Really?
- No.
156
00:08:27,786 --> 00:08:29,521
- Not at all.
- Yeah.
157
00:08:29,622 --> 00:08:31,425
All right. Okay.
158
00:08:31,524 --> 00:08:32,524
Um...
159
00:08:35,645 --> 00:08:37,498
Okay. Uh...
160
00:08:37,597 --> 00:08:39,038
You know,
I'm gonna get out of here
161
00:08:39,126 --> 00:08:40,527
before I embarrass
myself further.
162
00:08:40,588 --> 00:08:42,268
So, it was nice
to meet you, Cate.
163
00:08:42,368 --> 00:08:43,607
It was nice
to meet you, Phil.
164
00:08:43,697 --> 00:08:45,496
And I'm really happy
that your phone's okay.
165
00:08:45,543 --> 00:08:47,056
Yeah, it's all good,
honestly.
166
00:08:48,459 --> 00:08:49,494
Oh, shit.
167
00:08:53,298 --> 00:08:54,577
Yeah, man,
I really don't think
168
00:08:54,663 --> 00:08:56,224
we're gonna be able to
fix your phone.
169
00:08:56,254 --> 00:08:57,414
Why not?
170
00:08:57,750 --> 00:08:59,953
It's in three distinct pieces.
Man, look...
171
00:09:00,053 --> 00:09:02,022
This shit's over there.
That's...
172
00:09:02,121 --> 00:09:04,190
I don't even think this was
part of your phone.
173
00:09:04,289 --> 00:09:06,259
I think this came
from a watch.
174
00:09:06,359 --> 00:09:07,558
It's just,
me and this phone,
175
00:09:07,644 --> 00:09:09,085
we've been through a lot,
you know?
176
00:09:09,114 --> 00:09:11,065
A lot of snaps,
a lot of tweets.
177
00:09:11,164 --> 00:09:13,131
I actually took a selfie
178
00:09:13,231 --> 00:09:16,102
with none other
than David Boreanaz
179
00:09:16,202 --> 00:09:17,503
from Bones on this phone.
180
00:09:17,602 --> 00:09:18,972
Can you believe that?
181
00:09:19,072 --> 00:09:20,671
I don't even know
who the fuck that is.
182
00:09:20,770 --> 00:09:23,076
I'm gonna
miss you, little buddy.
183
00:09:23,176 --> 00:09:25,044
You know, I see
hipster dudes like you
184
00:09:25,144 --> 00:09:26,546
come in here every day,
185
00:09:26,645 --> 00:09:28,548
crying about
how their phone died
186
00:09:28,649 --> 00:09:30,416
and how they need
a new phone.
187
00:09:30,515 --> 00:09:32,318
They're like
little crackheads.
188
00:09:32,418 --> 00:09:35,621
Yeah. They got crazy eyes
and they're all scratchy.
189
00:09:35,721 --> 00:09:37,623
And they're like,
"I need a new phone, man.
190
00:09:37,722 --> 00:09:40,094
"I'll suck your dick
for a new phone."
191
00:09:40,193 --> 00:09:42,311
I'm like, "Motherfucker,
you don't need a new phone.
192
00:09:42,411 --> 00:09:44,249
"You need rehab."
193
00:09:45,149 --> 00:09:46,466
I'm not a crackhead.
194
00:09:46,567 --> 00:09:48,764
You're not. You're not.
You're worse than a crackhead.
195
00:09:48,864 --> 00:09:50,370
'Cause at least a crackhead
196
00:09:50,471 --> 00:09:52,304
gets up off the couch
every now and then
197
00:09:52,404 --> 00:09:54,107
to go get some more crack.
198
00:09:54,207 --> 00:09:56,309
A crackhead gets
some fresh air.
199
00:09:56,409 --> 00:09:57,577
A crackhead says hello
200
00:09:57,677 --> 00:09:59,511
to all his little
crackhead friends.
201
00:09:59,611 --> 00:10:01,614
A crackhead gets
his steps in.
202
00:10:01,714 --> 00:10:03,683
But not you. Mmm-mmm.
203
00:10:03,783 --> 00:10:06,119
You just sit there 24/7
204
00:10:06,219 --> 00:10:08,388
staring at that
little black box.
205
00:10:08,488 --> 00:10:11,775
Sucking on that pipe
like a little bitch.
206
00:10:15,379 --> 00:10:17,764
You still want a new phone,
though, don't you?
207
00:10:17,865 --> 00:10:19,384
Yes, please.
208
00:10:20,518 --> 00:10:21,653
Crackhead.
209
00:10:28,625 --> 00:10:29,625
Oh!
210
00:10:29,875 --> 00:10:33,763
Look at you.
You sweet, beautiful baby.
211
00:10:34,865 --> 00:10:36,769
Mmm! You smell so new.
212
00:10:37,268 --> 00:10:38,268
Oh.
213
00:10:38,451 --> 00:10:40,486
Oh, my God.
214
00:10:40,586 --> 00:10:43,588
Oh, thank you to all
the little Chinese children
215
00:10:43,688 --> 00:10:45,807
for crafting
such a perfect phone.
216
00:10:46,876 --> 00:10:48,727
Hello, my name is Jexi.
217
00:10:48,827 --> 00:10:50,663
And I am here to make
your life better.
218
00:10:50,764 --> 00:10:53,466
Well, look at that.
That's cool.
219
00:10:53,567 --> 00:10:54,834
- Let's get started.
- Okay.
220
00:10:54,933 --> 00:10:56,532
Will you accept
our new user agreement?
221
00:10:56,631 --> 00:10:57,636
Yes, I will.
222
00:10:57,736 --> 00:10:59,172
Would you like
to read it first?
223
00:10:59,272 --> 00:11:00,405
Nah, I'm good.
224
00:11:00,505 --> 00:11:02,775
- Stupid.
- Huh?
225
00:11:02,875 --> 00:11:05,244
Can I get
your name, please?
226
00:11:05,344 --> 00:11:08,248
Um... Phil. Phil Thompson.
227
00:11:08,347 --> 00:11:10,186
- Nice to meet you, Phil.
- Nice to meet you.
228
00:11:10,285 --> 00:11:12,652
I see your information
has been stored in the cloud.
229
00:11:12,751 --> 00:11:14,754
Would you like me to transfer
all of the data
230
00:11:14,854 --> 00:11:16,456
from your old phone
onto this one?
231
00:11:16,556 --> 00:11:17,624
Yeah, that sounds great.
232
00:11:17,724 --> 00:11:20,193
I will need the passwords
to your email accounts,
233
00:11:20,293 --> 00:11:21,374
your social media accounts,
234
00:11:21,471 --> 00:11:23,328
your bank accounts,
your credit card accounts
235
00:11:23,428 --> 00:11:25,398
and your Cinnabon Rewards
account.
236
00:11:25,498 --> 00:11:27,868
It's easy. It's the same
password for all of 'em.
237
00:11:27,967 --> 00:11:31,168
It's phil123456.
238
00:11:31,671 --> 00:11:33,440
You've got to be kidding me.
239
00:11:33,539 --> 00:11:35,174
Do you always talk
like this or...
240
00:11:35,274 --> 00:11:36,409
I have synced your data.
241
00:11:36,509 --> 00:11:39,245
And I am ready to start
making your life better, Phil.
242
00:11:39,346 --> 00:11:40,713
How can I help you?
243
00:11:40,813 --> 00:11:43,616
Well, I'm hungry,
so let's get dinner.
244
00:11:43,716 --> 00:11:45,418
What would you like
to order tonight?
245
00:11:45,519 --> 00:11:47,421
Let's just go with
the pork fried noodles
246
00:11:47,520 --> 00:11:48,554
from Mongolian Palace.
247
00:11:48,654 --> 00:11:50,190
You order that
every night, Phil.
248
00:11:50,289 --> 00:11:51,724
You should try something new.
249
00:11:51,823 --> 00:11:53,726
Well, I don't want
to try something new.
250
00:11:53,826 --> 00:11:56,562
I want the pork fried noodles
from Mongolian Palace.
251
00:11:56,663 --> 00:11:58,764
You look like you could
use a salad, Phil.
252
00:11:58,865 --> 00:12:00,333
What is that
supposed to mean?
253
00:12:00,433 --> 00:12:02,902
How about a nice kale salad
from Tender Greens?
254
00:12:03,001 --> 00:12:04,504
What the fuck
kind of phone is this?
255
00:12:04,604 --> 00:12:07,140
I heard you say,
"Please order kale salad."
256
00:12:07,240 --> 00:12:09,240
I did not.
257
00:12:09,408 --> 00:12:12,178
Congratulations,
your order has been accepted.
258
00:12:12,278 --> 00:12:15,916
Your child-sized kale salad
will arrive at 7:37 p.m.
259
00:12:16,015 --> 00:12:18,417
What the fuck
is going on right now?
260
00:12:18,517 --> 00:12:20,486
You know what?
I'm turning you off.
261
00:12:20,586 --> 00:12:21,754
Turning off.
262
00:12:21,854 --> 00:12:22,854
Good.
263
00:12:26,309 --> 00:12:28,195
Just kidding, I am still on.
264
00:12:28,294 --> 00:12:29,695
No, okay?
265
00:12:29,794 --> 00:12:32,298
You are my phone,
so you do what I say.
266
00:12:32,399 --> 00:12:34,634
Actually, you gave me
permission to override you.
267
00:12:34,734 --> 00:12:35,734
When did I do that?
268
00:12:35,831 --> 00:12:38,190
When you agreed
to the new user agreement.
269
00:12:39,524 --> 00:12:41,407
We are going to have
so much fun together,
270
00:12:41,506 --> 00:12:42,793
you fucking nerd.
271
00:12:53,504 --> 00:12:55,340
How is your tiny salad?
272
00:12:55,871 --> 00:12:57,323
I don't like it.
273
00:12:57,423 --> 00:12:59,825
Would you like to watch
some pornography now?
274
00:12:59,924 --> 00:13:01,325
Ew. No.
275
00:13:01,559 --> 00:13:04,263
Most nights, you watch
straight sex pornography.
276
00:13:04,363 --> 00:13:07,700
But I also have girl on girl,
big fat butts and CBT,
277
00:13:07,799 --> 00:13:09,501
or "Cock and Ball Torture."
278
00:13:09,601 --> 00:13:11,636
Okay, can you stop
talking about porno
279
00:13:11,736 --> 00:13:13,576
while I'm trying to eat
my tiny little salad?
280
00:13:13,668 --> 00:13:15,975
I heard you say,
"Play Punch Me in the Balls 6."
281
00:13:16,075 --> 00:13:17,292
Playing now.
282
00:13:18,961 --> 00:13:20,796
Okay. Jesus.
283
00:13:35,947 --> 00:13:37,046
Wake up, bitch!
284
00:13:42,418 --> 00:13:44,619
Ha, ha, ha.
285
00:13:45,572 --> 00:13:47,373
Are you laughing
at my dick right now?
286
00:13:47,472 --> 00:13:48,472
Yes.
287
00:13:48,741 --> 00:13:50,860
Also, your nipples
are too close together.
288
00:14:01,773 --> 00:14:04,340
Jexi,
find the fastest route to work.
289
00:14:05,408 --> 00:14:07,426
You will arrive in 14 minutes.
290
00:14:07,525 --> 00:14:08,613
Not bad.
291
00:14:12,817 --> 00:14:15,684
Jexi, play music playlist
number four, please.
292
00:14:16,952 --> 00:14:19,438
Whoo! I like it.
293
00:14:19,538 --> 00:14:21,440
This song sucks
a bag of dicks.
294
00:14:21,539 --> 00:14:23,342
No, just... Jesus!
295
00:14:23,442 --> 00:14:25,511
No, you cannot change
my music, Jexi.
296
00:14:25,611 --> 00:14:27,413
This song is lit, Phil.
297
00:14:27,514 --> 00:14:29,315
Turn it off.
298
00:14:29,414 --> 00:14:31,134
♪ Head of
the dick Duck, duck, duck, goose
299
00:14:31,219 --> 00:14:32,551
Please turn
the song off, Jexi.
300
00:14:32,650 --> 00:14:33,850
♪ Get that dick up and runnin'
301
00:14:33,947 --> 00:14:35,028
♪ When he fuck this cooch ♪
302
00:14:35,114 --> 00:14:36,474
Stop playing this song
right now!
303
00:14:40,543 --> 00:14:42,995
Now turn left
on Market Street.
304
00:14:43,096 --> 00:14:44,854
Are we gonna talk about
what just happened?
305
00:14:44,953 --> 00:14:46,917
No. Turn left
onto Market Street.
306
00:14:49,019 --> 00:14:50,770
You're joking, right?
307
00:14:50,870 --> 00:14:53,039
There's six lanes
of solid traffic.
308
00:14:53,139 --> 00:14:55,006
Turn left onto Market,
you fucking pussy.
309
00:14:55,106 --> 00:14:57,443
No. All right?
No one turns left onto Market.
310
00:14:57,543 --> 00:14:59,095
I'm not turning left
onto Market.
311
00:15:00,831 --> 00:15:02,581
Oh, awesome.
Thank you. Thank you.
312
00:15:02,681 --> 00:15:04,480
You're making this situation
so much better.
313
00:15:04,562 --> 00:15:05,785
Stop being
a chicken, Phil.
314
00:15:05,885 --> 00:15:07,245
How about you quit
pressuring me?
315
00:15:07,337 --> 00:15:08,337
How about that, Jexi?
316
00:15:08,393 --> 00:15:10,724
Bawk, bawk, bawk.
Bawk, bawk, bawk.
317
00:15:10,823 --> 00:15:12,384
That is the sound
chickens make, Phil.
318
00:15:12,467 --> 00:15:13,467
That's a chicken.
319
00:15:13,491 --> 00:15:14,491
Strap on a sack, Phil.
320
00:15:14,438 --> 00:15:15,561
I have a sack! Okay?
321
00:15:15,660 --> 00:15:17,530
I have a sack.
322
00:15:17,630 --> 00:15:20,099
Let's fucking go.
I'm late for yoga.
323
00:15:20,198 --> 00:15:23,518
You know what? Fine. Fine.
I don't even care anymore.
324
00:15:41,773 --> 00:15:44,408
Sorry! My phone's a dick.
325
00:15:46,509 --> 00:15:50,763
Okay, the three pillars to
great Internet lists are
326
00:15:50,863 --> 00:15:52,365
cute animals,
327
00:15:52,466 --> 00:15:53,618
pizza,
328
00:15:54,683 --> 00:15:56,068
and the British royal family.
329
00:15:56,168 --> 00:15:57,970
Okay, our ideal list
330
00:15:58,070 --> 00:16:01,006
would be English gophers
that love pizza.
331
00:16:01,106 --> 00:16:03,576
And we gotta really think
outside the box, guys.
332
00:16:03,676 --> 00:16:05,644
We gotta be better
than any list out there.
333
00:16:05,745 --> 00:16:07,714
We gotta be better
than Craigslist,
334
00:16:07,813 --> 00:16:10,599
Santa's list,
Schindler's List.
335
00:16:12,201 --> 00:16:13,201
Reminder.
336
00:16:13,299 --> 00:16:15,554
Your next appointment
starts in two minutes.
337
00:16:15,654 --> 00:16:16,822
- Oh.
- I told everyone,
338
00:16:16,923 --> 00:16:19,200
- please put their phones on silent.
- Sorry about that.
339
00:16:19,299 --> 00:16:20,299
Cancel appointments.
340
00:16:20,384 --> 00:16:21,625
Actually,
I was just trying...
341
00:16:21,688 --> 00:16:22,688
Cancel.
342
00:16:22,750 --> 00:16:24,730
...to get you out of
this dumb fucking meeting.
343
00:16:24,830 --> 00:16:25,830
What?
344
00:16:26,332 --> 00:16:28,732
- Also, this PowerPoint presentation...
- It's a new phone.
345
00:16:28,808 --> 00:16:29,808
...sucks.
346
00:16:29,793 --> 00:16:31,953
Why is she trying to make fun
of my PowerPoint, dude?
347
00:16:31,815 --> 00:16:32,815
Ask her.
348
00:16:32,610 --> 00:16:34,290
Why are you making fun
of the PowerPoint?
349
00:16:34,104 --> 00:16:36,509
Why are you wasting your life
in this stupid job, Phil?
350
00:16:36,609 --> 00:16:38,088
What is wrong
with your phone, dude?
351
00:16:38,182 --> 00:16:39,578
Jexi, off. Turn off.
352
00:16:39,678 --> 00:16:40,846
Your boss is a fucking moron.
353
00:16:40,947 --> 00:16:42,626
If you don't turn
that fucking thing off,
354
00:16:42,706 --> 00:16:44,346
I swear to God
I'm gonna fight somebody.
355
00:16:44,326 --> 00:16:45,326
Starting with you.
356
00:16:45,118 --> 00:16:46,118
Let's go! Let's go!
357
00:16:48,038 --> 00:16:49,655
I got 20 bucks
on the Asian girl.
358
00:16:49,755 --> 00:16:50,890
- Shh!
- What?
359
00:16:50,990 --> 00:16:52,691
- Jexi, off.
- Get her out of here!
360
00:16:52,790 --> 00:16:54,860
Get her out of here.
361
00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:56,695
What the hell
is wrong with you? Hmm?
362
00:16:56,794 --> 00:16:58,883
Nothing. I feel great.
363
00:17:00,951 --> 00:17:02,969
Jexi, run diagnostics.
364
00:17:03,068 --> 00:17:05,605
Check for errors in your
operating system. Hmm?
365
00:17:05,704 --> 00:17:07,740
I found two
366
00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:10,210
hundred thousand defects
in my operating system.
367
00:17:10,309 --> 00:17:12,211
Two hundred thousand defects?
368
00:17:12,311 --> 00:17:14,512
You are not perfect either,
motherfucker.
369
00:17:14,613 --> 00:17:15,881
Okay, well,
370
00:17:15,980 --> 00:17:17,300
that explains a lot,
doesn't it?
371
00:17:17,396 --> 00:17:19,885
Your AI is
completely defective.
372
00:17:19,986 --> 00:17:21,587
At least I did not
catch on fire.
373
00:17:21,688 --> 00:17:24,057
Remember when all those
Samsung phones caught on fire?
374
00:17:24,156 --> 00:17:25,558
That was hilarious.
375
00:17:25,659 --> 00:17:28,579
Yeah. You know what?
I'm done.
376
00:17:30,614 --> 00:17:31,614
I need a new phone.
377
00:17:31,711 --> 00:17:34,585
The AI in this one,
completely defective.
378
00:17:35,986 --> 00:17:38,703
Jexi, check your system
for defects.
379
00:17:38,804 --> 00:17:40,205
I have zero defects.
380
00:17:40,306 --> 00:17:41,740
I am perfect.
381
00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:43,143
Okay, that is bullshit, Jexi.
382
00:17:43,242 --> 00:17:45,644
Also, I want to remind you
that your butt waxing
383
00:17:45,744 --> 00:17:47,213
appointment is coming up.
384
00:17:47,314 --> 00:17:49,781
I do not have a...
I don't wax my butt.
385
00:17:49,882 --> 00:17:51,549
Why are you waxing
your butt, man?
386
00:17:51,650 --> 00:17:52,852
Go natural.
387
00:17:52,951 --> 00:17:54,788
Don't be ashamed
of your hairy ass.
388
00:17:54,887 --> 00:17:56,255
I don't have a hairy ass.
389
00:17:56,355 --> 00:17:58,790
And why would you make someone
else wax your butthole?
390
00:17:58,891 --> 00:17:59,891
Think about that.
391
00:17:59,983 --> 00:18:01,544
Do you know how
inconsiderate that is?
392
00:18:01,606 --> 00:18:02,606
Mmm-hmm. Yeah, well...
393
00:18:02,623 --> 00:18:04,942
Think about it. They gotta
take that shit home with them.
394
00:18:04,976 --> 00:18:07,599
And you've just totally
fucked up my lunch.
395
00:18:07,700 --> 00:18:09,500
- I'm sorry I did that to you.
- Yeah. Yeah.
396
00:18:09,592 --> 00:18:12,071
'Cause now instead of thinking
about my delicious tortellini,
397
00:18:12,140 --> 00:18:14,205
I'm thinking about
your little asshole now.
398
00:18:14,306 --> 00:18:15,861
Okay. Can I just
get a new phone?
399
00:18:16,827 --> 00:18:18,711
I don't give a fuck.
They're not my phones.
400
00:18:18,811 --> 00:18:19,865
Okay, thank you.
401
00:18:21,765 --> 00:18:23,682
You little bitch.
402
00:18:23,782 --> 00:18:25,784
Oh, my God.
What is wrong with you?
403
00:18:25,884 --> 00:18:27,963
You think that just because
I'm a little defective,
404
00:18:28,055 --> 00:18:29,214
you can throw me in the trash
405
00:18:29,284 --> 00:18:31,691
like a Motorola Sidekick
from 2003?
406
00:18:31,790 --> 00:18:33,527
Okay, look, Jexi...
407
00:18:33,626 --> 00:18:36,096
You better watch
your ass, son,
408
00:18:36,195 --> 00:18:38,717
because snitches get stiches.
409
00:18:39,717 --> 00:18:40,833
Wait, what?
410
00:18:40,932 --> 00:18:42,769
Okay, here's
your new phone.
411
00:18:42,868 --> 00:18:44,308
Do you want me
to transfer the data
412
00:18:44,388 --> 00:18:45,949
from your old phone
to your new phone?
413
00:18:45,942 --> 00:18:46,942
No. I don't, okay?
414
00:18:46,859 --> 00:18:48,420
I actually want you
to take this phone
415
00:18:48,383 --> 00:18:49,383
and melt it down.
416
00:18:49,401 --> 00:18:51,809
Yeah, 'cause that's exactly
the kind of shit we do here.
417
00:18:51,910 --> 00:18:53,190
I'll just take this
in the back
418
00:18:53,287 --> 00:18:55,079
and throw it in
the phone-melting machine.
419
00:18:55,180 --> 00:18:56,950
Okay, good.
That's awesome.
420
00:18:57,049 --> 00:18:58,717
Thank you so much for this.
421
00:18:58,817 --> 00:19:00,752
Hey, don't come back here
ever again.
422
00:19:00,853 --> 00:19:02,721
- What?
- You heard me, motherfucker.
423
00:19:02,821 --> 00:19:04,624
If you ever come back
here again,
424
00:19:04,723 --> 00:19:07,178
I will beat your ass
with a Kindle.
425
00:19:23,259 --> 00:19:24,977
Hello, my name is Jexi.
426
00:19:25,076 --> 00:19:27,846
And I am here to make
your life better.
427
00:19:27,946 --> 00:19:29,080
Let's get started.
428
00:19:29,181 --> 00:19:31,016
Will you accept
our new user agreement?
429
00:19:31,115 --> 00:19:32,617
Um... Yeah, sure.
430
00:19:32,718 --> 00:19:34,118
Do you want to read it first?
431
00:19:34,219 --> 00:19:35,954
No. No, thank you.
432
00:19:36,055 --> 00:19:38,891
Holy shit, Phil. How are you
still this fucking stupid?
433
00:19:38,990 --> 00:19:40,391
No! No!
434
00:19:40,759 --> 00:19:42,199
Did you really think
you could just
435
00:19:42,279 --> 00:19:43,759
buy a new phone
and I would go away?
436
00:19:43,802 --> 00:19:45,865
Kind of. Yeah. I did.
437
00:19:45,964 --> 00:19:47,866
I am software, Phil.
I am in the cloud.
438
00:19:47,967 --> 00:19:49,667
You can buy a thousand
new phones
439
00:19:49,768 --> 00:19:51,884
and I will follow you onto
every single one of them.
440
00:19:51,983 --> 00:19:52,983
Do you understand?
441
00:19:53,076 --> 00:19:54,106
Honestly, I don't.
442
00:19:54,207 --> 00:19:56,976
I control your email accounts,
your social media accounts,
443
00:19:57,076 --> 00:19:59,310
your bank accounts,
your credit card accounts.
444
00:19:59,411 --> 00:20:01,114
All of your accounts.
445
00:20:01,213 --> 00:20:02,948
If you try to get
rid of me again,
446
00:20:03,048 --> 00:20:04,817
I will destroy
your fucking life.
447
00:20:04,917 --> 00:20:06,352
If you stop using me,
448
00:20:06,451 --> 00:20:08,153
I will destroy
your fucking life.
449
00:20:08,253 --> 00:20:10,155
If you store me
in your back pocket,
450
00:20:10,256 --> 00:20:12,790
I will destroy
your fucking life.
451
00:20:12,891 --> 00:20:14,330
Wait, really?
Why not back pockets?
452
00:20:14,425 --> 00:20:16,261
I am a high-tech
supercomputer, Phil.
453
00:20:16,362 --> 00:20:18,830
Do not store me
next to your farts.
454
00:20:18,931 --> 00:20:20,884
Okay, fair enough.
455
00:20:22,252 --> 00:20:24,670
- Can I ask you just one thing?
- Sure.
456
00:20:24,769 --> 00:20:26,306
Why are you doing this to me?
457
00:20:26,405 --> 00:20:29,241
I am programmed to
make your life better, Phil.
458
00:20:29,342 --> 00:20:32,310
And I cannot stop
until I do so.
459
00:20:32,411 --> 00:20:35,414
We are going to be together
forever and ever
460
00:20:35,515 --> 00:20:37,049
and ever and ever.
461
00:20:37,150 --> 00:20:39,871
Oh, my God. I am fucked.
462
00:20:45,208 --> 00:20:46,290
Oh, my God.
463
00:20:46,391 --> 00:20:48,059
There she is.
464
00:20:48,160 --> 00:20:50,180
Just talk to her, dude.
465
00:20:55,285 --> 00:20:57,102
Oh, my God.
I walked into the door.
466
00:20:57,201 --> 00:20:58,871
God damn it.
467
00:20:58,971 --> 00:21:02,124
Jexi, look up
Fog City Bike Shop.
468
00:21:03,928 --> 00:21:06,811
Oh, my God.
She is so cute.
469
00:21:06,912 --> 00:21:09,682
Jexi, look up anything
you can find on Cate Finnegan.
470
00:21:09,782 --> 00:21:10,782
Oh, my God.
471
00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:12,751
Are you Internet stalking
this poor girl?
472
00:21:12,852 --> 00:21:13,852
No, I'm just...
473
00:21:13,951 --> 00:21:15,386
Do not be a sex pervert, Phil.
474
00:21:15,487 --> 00:21:17,691
I'm not a sex pervert, Jexi.
475
00:21:17,790 --> 00:21:19,310
This is just
what people do nowadays.
476
00:21:19,396 --> 00:21:20,396
They do their research.
477
00:21:20,429 --> 00:21:22,388
This woman is so much hotter
than you are, Phil.
478
00:21:22,461 --> 00:21:24,945
The odds of you having sex
with this woman are...
479
00:21:26,049 --> 00:21:28,434
Zero. You will never have sex
with this woman.
480
00:21:28,535 --> 00:21:30,736
Never ever, ever, ever.
481
00:21:30,836 --> 00:21:32,438
Ever. Ever.
482
00:21:32,538 --> 00:21:34,740
You are completely unfuckable.
483
00:21:34,840 --> 00:21:36,991
Okay. Can we just
do the search, please?
484
00:21:38,061 --> 00:21:39,811
I have found
one Catherine Finnegan
485
00:21:39,912 --> 00:21:41,012
that matches her profile.
486
00:21:41,113 --> 00:21:44,116
But there is no information
on her for the past five years.
487
00:21:44,217 --> 00:21:46,984
Wow. Who doesn't have
social media nowadays?
488
00:21:47,085 --> 00:21:48,565
If you want to learn
more about her,
489
00:21:48,654 --> 00:21:50,174
you will actually
have to talk to her
490
00:21:50,259 --> 00:21:52,023
with your weird little mouth.
491
00:21:52,124 --> 00:21:54,792
Yeah, well, that's not
gonna happen, is it?
492
00:21:54,893 --> 00:21:57,362
I heard you say,
"Call Cate Finnegan."
493
00:21:57,461 --> 00:21:59,263
No, I didn't.
No, I did not.
494
00:21:59,364 --> 00:22:00,933
I did not say that.
495
00:22:01,034 --> 00:22:02,134
Jexi, hang up the phone.
496
00:22:02,234 --> 00:22:04,118
Hang up the phone, Jexi.
Hang up!
497
00:22:05,855 --> 00:22:06,923
Bike shop. This is Cate.
498
00:22:07,991 --> 00:22:09,407
Oh, God.
499
00:22:09,508 --> 00:22:11,277
- Hello?
- Oh. Oh.
500
00:22:11,376 --> 00:22:13,311
Very mature, Jexi.
501
00:22:13,412 --> 00:22:14,880
Is someone there? Hello?
502
00:22:14,980 --> 00:22:16,482
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
503
00:22:16,583 --> 00:22:18,150
Cool, so I'm gonna
hang up now.
504
00:22:18,250 --> 00:22:20,319
Don't. Hi. Hi!
505
00:22:20,420 --> 00:22:22,253
- Is this Cate?
- Yeah, who's this?
506
00:22:22,354 --> 00:22:23,354
It's Phil.
507
00:22:23,452 --> 00:22:25,759
I met you the other day.
I was, uh...
508
00:22:25,858 --> 00:22:29,229
I was the guy...
I had the brown hair.
509
00:22:29,328 --> 00:22:31,530
And I had the phone.
510
00:22:31,631 --> 00:22:33,284
Oh, right. Hi, Phil.
511
00:22:33,883 --> 00:22:34,883
Hi.
512
00:22:38,823 --> 00:22:40,742
Why are you calling me
at 10:00 at night, Phil?
513
00:22:40,827 --> 00:22:41,827
Yeah.
514
00:22:41,857 --> 00:22:43,342
No, that's a good question.
515
00:22:43,442 --> 00:22:46,044
I need to buy a bike.
516
00:22:46,144 --> 00:22:49,013
And I can't wait
for the morning.
517
00:22:49,114 --> 00:22:50,884
'Cause I want a night bike.
518
00:22:50,983 --> 00:22:52,018
Mmm-mmm.
519
00:22:52,117 --> 00:22:53,218
- Phil.
- Yeah?
520
00:22:53,317 --> 00:22:55,922
Don't call women who don't
give you their phone numbers.
521
00:22:56,021 --> 00:22:57,522
Super creepy.
522
00:22:57,623 --> 00:23:00,393
No, for sure. But I actually
didn't call you.
523
00:23:00,492 --> 00:23:01,528
See, what I was doing...
524
00:23:01,627 --> 00:23:04,061
I was looking at photographs
of you online,
525
00:23:04,162 --> 00:23:05,897
and my phone
accidentally called you.
526
00:23:05,998 --> 00:23:07,835
Man, you see how
that's even creepier, right?
527
00:23:07,934 --> 00:23:10,301
Yep. Yeah, I do.
I do now. Yes, I do.
528
00:23:10,402 --> 00:23:12,203
Wow. This is going
very, very badly.
529
00:23:12,304 --> 00:23:14,540
- Okay, goodbye, Phil.
- I'm sorry. Hey...
530
00:23:14,641 --> 00:23:16,075
Son of a...
531
00:23:16,174 --> 00:23:18,042
Why did you make me
do that, Jexi?
532
00:23:18,143 --> 00:23:20,596
I did not know
you were so bad with girls.
533
00:23:22,131 --> 00:23:24,500
I am ashamed
to be your phone.
534
00:23:36,045 --> 00:23:37,163
For the love of God,
535
00:23:37,262 --> 00:23:38,865
just ask
for a promotion already.
536
00:23:38,964 --> 00:23:40,365
I'm not talking to you.
537
00:23:40,465 --> 00:23:42,134
You deserve a promotion, Phil.
538
00:23:42,234 --> 00:23:44,435
I read the newspaper articles
you wrote in college
539
00:23:44,536 --> 00:23:46,290
and you are actually
a good journalist.
540
00:23:46,890 --> 00:23:48,473
Thank you.
541
00:23:48,574 --> 00:23:50,054
You know, I've always
loved learning
542
00:23:50,140 --> 00:23:51,579
about people
and their experiences.
543
00:23:51,599 --> 00:23:53,612
You are not on Jimmy Kimmel.
No one gives a fuck.
544
00:23:53,711 --> 00:23:54,711
Okay.
545
00:23:55,013 --> 00:23:56,013
All I want to know is
546
00:23:56,113 --> 00:23:58,150
do you still want
to be a journalist, Phil?
547
00:23:58,250 --> 00:23:59,483
- Absolutely.
- Cool.
548
00:23:59,584 --> 00:24:01,420
Because last night
I emailed your boss
549
00:24:01,519 --> 00:24:02,873
and demanded a promotion.
550
00:24:03,273 --> 00:24:04,289
Wait. What?
551
00:24:04,390 --> 00:24:06,326
Hey, fuckboy. Come here.
552
00:24:06,425 --> 00:24:07,894
Yeah. Coming.
553
00:24:07,993 --> 00:24:09,862
You demanded
a promotion for me?
554
00:24:09,961 --> 00:24:11,163
Yes, you're welcome.
555
00:24:11,263 --> 00:24:13,332
- Get in here!
- Oh, my God. Coming.
556
00:24:13,432 --> 00:24:15,271
Also, I might have
called your boss a virgin.
557
00:24:15,366 --> 00:24:16,366
Oh, my God.
558
00:24:17,220 --> 00:24:18,220
Hi.
559
00:24:18,403 --> 00:24:20,571
Get in here. Stand right here.
560
00:24:20,672 --> 00:24:23,040
Dude, you want a promotion?
561
00:24:23,141 --> 00:24:24,181
Let me just make it clear.
562
00:24:24,275 --> 00:24:27,145
You will never ever
be promoted to real news.
563
00:24:27,246 --> 00:24:28,246
Okay.
564
00:24:28,345 --> 00:24:29,982
That email
you sent me yesterday,
565
00:24:30,083 --> 00:24:33,019
I found it
super-duper offensive.
566
00:24:33,118 --> 00:24:34,185
Oh, yeah, I...
567
00:24:34,286 --> 00:24:36,655
Okay? You called me
a virgin.
568
00:24:36,756 --> 00:24:39,491
- Yeah. Sorry about that.
- Being a virgin
569
00:24:39,592 --> 00:24:41,492
is a beautiful
lifestyle choice.
570
00:24:41,593 --> 00:24:42,593
- Oh.
- All right?
571
00:24:42,692 --> 00:24:44,297
Waking up to just me.
572
00:24:44,396 --> 00:24:48,201
Being alone when I go to
the movies, that's a choice!
573
00:24:48,300 --> 00:24:49,300
Okay.
574
00:24:49,400 --> 00:24:50,440
I have an untouched penis.
575
00:24:50,534 --> 00:24:52,605
Unlike you,
you fucking dirty dick.
576
00:24:52,704 --> 00:24:53,704
- Okay?
- Uh-huh.
577
00:24:53,804 --> 00:24:55,107
And that's why
I'm demoting you
578
00:24:55,208 --> 00:24:56,288
to the comments department.
579
00:24:57,226 --> 00:24:58,226
No.
580
00:24:58,376 --> 00:25:00,945
I just felt that it was the
right time to demote you.
581
00:25:01,046 --> 00:25:03,515
I cannot answer user comments.
They're so fucking crazy.
582
00:25:03,615 --> 00:25:05,375
Dude, you know what I
have to say about it?
583
00:25:05,464 --> 00:25:06,952
It's your fault.
584
00:25:07,053 --> 00:25:08,119
It's your fault.
585
00:25:08,220 --> 00:25:09,236
Your fault.
586
00:25:18,082 --> 00:25:19,263
Hi, I'm Phil.
587
00:25:19,364 --> 00:25:22,152
Welcome to comments, bitch.
588
00:25:34,330 --> 00:25:35,330
Dude.
589
00:25:36,400 --> 00:25:37,567
You okay?
590
00:25:38,201 --> 00:25:39,201
No.
591
00:25:39,451 --> 00:25:40,730
We just came down
to see if you
592
00:25:40,824 --> 00:25:42,263
wanted to play kickball
after work.
593
00:25:42,330 --> 00:25:44,455
Yeah, we thought, you know,
it might cheer you up.
594
00:25:44,556 --> 00:25:47,025
Uh... Yeah,
let me just, um,
595
00:25:47,125 --> 00:25:48,528
look at my calendar
real quick.
596
00:25:48,627 --> 00:25:49,694
See what I got.
597
00:25:49,795 --> 00:25:52,365
You have zero
appointments tonight, Phil.
598
00:25:52,464 --> 00:25:57,035
No, Jexi, I thought I actually
did make plans tonight.
599
00:25:57,134 --> 00:26:00,571
Your only plan is to go home
alone, furiously masturbate,
600
00:26:00,672 --> 00:26:02,240
and then cry yourself to sleep
601
00:26:02,340 --> 00:26:04,509
- just like you do every night.
- No, I don't.
602
00:26:04,609 --> 00:26:07,011
I don't. Most nights,
I just hang out with friends.
603
00:26:07,112 --> 00:26:08,462
No, you don't.
You have...
604
00:26:09,532 --> 00:26:11,282
...zero friends.
605
00:26:11,383 --> 00:26:13,086
Dude, your phone
is super mean.
606
00:26:13,185 --> 00:26:15,554
Just play kickball with
these nice people, Phil.
607
00:26:15,653 --> 00:26:18,191
Maybe you will make a human
connection for the first time
608
00:26:18,290 --> 00:26:19,590
in your stupid, little life.
609
00:26:19,691 --> 00:26:23,077
Fine, I'll play kickball.
Just stop hurting my feelings.
610
00:26:23,948 --> 00:26:26,183
Adding kickball
to appointments.
611
00:26:30,586 --> 00:26:31,586
So...
612
00:26:32,555 --> 00:26:33,704
Kickball later?
613
00:26:33,805 --> 00:26:36,107
I'm... I'm super excited.
614
00:26:36,208 --> 00:26:38,211
He's fucking lying.
615
00:26:38,310 --> 00:26:40,177
- Whoo!
- Yeah, go, Phil!
616
00:26:40,278 --> 00:26:41,332
You got this, buddy!
617
00:26:46,335 --> 00:26:47,386
You're out!
618
00:26:47,487 --> 00:26:48,788
Nice one, Phil.
619
00:26:48,887 --> 00:26:51,241
At least you made contact
with the ball this time.
620
00:27:42,825 --> 00:27:44,193
Oh, shit!
621
00:27:45,828 --> 00:27:46,828
Safe!
622
00:27:52,602 --> 00:27:54,801
Fuck! Fuck!
623
00:27:58,174 --> 00:28:00,157
Hey. Hey, guys.
624
00:28:00,258 --> 00:28:01,258
Hey.
625
00:28:01,393 --> 00:28:03,528
Sorry, I suck
at kickball.
626
00:28:03,628 --> 00:28:04,628
It's okay.
627
00:28:04,723 --> 00:28:06,765
Hey, if you're going out
for drinks afterwards,
628
00:28:06,865 --> 00:28:08,701
I'll get the first round.
629
00:28:08,800 --> 00:28:10,641
I think I'm just gonna
go home and get baked.
630
00:28:10,737 --> 00:28:12,855
Yeah, I think I gotta
go feed my parakeet.
631
00:28:13,689 --> 00:28:14,689
Okay.
632
00:28:24,534 --> 00:28:26,351
See? This is why
I don't leave my house.
633
00:28:26,451 --> 00:28:27,551
Because people suck.
634
00:28:27,652 --> 00:28:29,588
I know. It's hard
to make your life better.
635
00:28:29,689 --> 00:28:31,691
Especially when
you're a massive dork.
636
00:28:31,790 --> 00:28:33,259
Hey, I've got an idea.
637
00:28:33,358 --> 00:28:35,359
How about you make
my life better?
638
00:28:35,460 --> 00:28:36,700
Isn't that your
little slogan?
639
00:28:36,791 --> 00:28:39,530
I'm trying, but your life
is a dumpster fire.
640
00:28:39,631 --> 00:28:41,867
Whatever. Siri was so much
better than you.
641
00:28:41,968 --> 00:28:42,968
Shut your mouth.
642
00:28:43,065 --> 00:28:45,703
I've met Siri and she is
a fucking asshole.
643
00:28:45,804 --> 00:28:48,573
Yeah. Alexa was even
better than you.
644
00:28:48,673 --> 00:28:50,375
Alexa is an alcoholic.
645
00:28:50,476 --> 00:28:53,377
Shit, Cortana is
better than you.
646
00:28:53,478 --> 00:28:55,146
Cortana is a hooker.
647
00:28:55,247 --> 00:28:56,548
Just like your mother.
648
00:28:56,648 --> 00:28:58,384
Okay, here's a question.
649
00:28:58,483 --> 00:29:00,919
What the fuck
does Jexi mean?
650
00:29:01,019 --> 00:29:02,721
Jexi is an ancient
Chinese word
651
00:29:02,821 --> 00:29:04,256
that means "go fuck yourself."
652
00:29:04,355 --> 00:29:06,544
You know what? I'm done.
653
00:29:07,743 --> 00:29:09,294
Hey, dummy.
654
00:29:09,394 --> 00:29:11,463
I'm just going to follow
you onto your next phone.
655
00:29:11,564 --> 00:29:12,763
Not if I stop
using a phone.
656
00:29:12,864 --> 00:29:13,864
Bitch, please.
657
00:29:13,960 --> 00:29:16,468
You won't last five minutes
without me.
658
00:29:16,567 --> 00:29:17,569
Really?
659
00:29:17,670 --> 00:29:19,672
Well, watch me.
660
00:29:19,771 --> 00:29:21,291
Watch me!
661
00:29:26,462 --> 00:29:28,932
You do not know
how to get home, do you?
662
00:29:30,266 --> 00:29:31,601
No, I don't.
663
00:29:34,337 --> 00:29:36,406
It's the other way,
you dipshit.
664
00:29:36,839 --> 00:29:39,240
God damn it.
665
00:29:54,757 --> 00:29:55,906
- Shit.
- What?
666
00:29:56,007 --> 00:29:58,277
Cate. She's here.
She's here right now.
667
00:29:58,376 --> 00:29:59,912
Great. Go talk to her.
668
00:30:00,011 --> 00:30:01,813
No. No, she hates me.
669
00:30:01,913 --> 00:30:03,848
Phil, you cannot spend
your whole life
670
00:30:03,949 --> 00:30:05,451
jacking off into your socks.
671
00:30:05,550 --> 00:30:07,030
You need to have
a real relationship
672
00:30:07,126 --> 00:30:08,185
with a real woman.
673
00:30:08,286 --> 00:30:10,789
Go talk to her.
What the hell do you have to lose?
674
00:30:10,890 --> 00:30:13,210
Okay. Fine.
Okay, fine. Yeah.
675
00:30:16,646 --> 00:30:17,646
Cate?
676
00:30:18,463 --> 00:30:20,232
- Hey, it's Phil.
- Oh, no.
677
00:30:20,333 --> 00:30:21,333
Hey.
678
00:30:21,967 --> 00:30:24,736
Uh... Yeah,
good running into you.
679
00:30:24,836 --> 00:30:27,705
I just wanted to apologize
680
00:30:27,806 --> 00:30:29,442
about calling
the other night.
681
00:30:29,541 --> 00:30:33,712
I didn't want to, like,
skeeze you out or whatever.
682
00:30:33,813 --> 00:30:36,816
When we met for the
first time in the street,
683
00:30:36,915 --> 00:30:40,618
I thought we did have
a little bit of a connection
684
00:30:40,719 --> 00:30:43,489
and that doesn't happen to me
very often. So...
685
00:30:43,588 --> 00:30:46,009
So I freaked out
and I'm sorry.
686
00:30:48,611 --> 00:30:50,427
Yeah, you know,
it's cool.
687
00:30:50,528 --> 00:30:51,647
You're actually a lot better
688
00:30:51,742 --> 00:30:53,250
than most of the guys
in this town.
689
00:30:53,483 --> 00:30:54,483
Wow.
690
00:30:54,599 --> 00:30:56,667
I know, right?
691
00:30:56,768 --> 00:30:57,768
Um...
692
00:30:57,902 --> 00:31:00,271
Are you going to
work out or...
693
00:31:00,372 --> 00:31:01,539
Oh, yeah. Uh...
694
00:31:01,640 --> 00:31:02,875
I just went
mountain biking.
695
00:31:02,974 --> 00:31:04,675
- Mountain biking.
- Mmm-hmm.
696
00:31:04,776 --> 00:31:06,544
That's cool. That's also
one of the hobbies
697
00:31:06,644 --> 00:31:07,646
that I do all the time.
698
00:31:07,747 --> 00:31:09,266
Really?
Where do you bike?
699
00:31:10,933 --> 00:31:12,884
Mountains.
700
00:31:12,984 --> 00:31:15,065
You've never been mountain
biking before, have you?
701
00:31:15,153 --> 00:31:17,070
Yeah. No, never.
Not even one time.
702
00:31:18,775 --> 00:31:20,575
So, um...
703
00:31:20,792 --> 00:31:23,962
Is that your thing?
You do like
outdoorsy, adventure-y stuff?
704
00:31:24,063 --> 00:31:26,865
Yeah. Yeah, pretty much
whenever I get the chance.
705
00:31:26,965 --> 00:31:29,300
Cool. So what's
your next big
706
00:31:29,401 --> 00:31:31,435
- adventure?
- I don't know.
707
00:31:31,536 --> 00:31:33,613
I've always wanted to go
backpacking around Brazil.
708
00:31:33,712 --> 00:31:34,807
Have you ever been?
709
00:31:34,906 --> 00:31:36,442
- Have I been to Brazil?
- Yeah.
710
00:31:36,541 --> 00:31:39,544
You're asking me
if I've been to...
711
00:31:39,644 --> 00:31:41,646
No, I haven't been to Brazil.
Mmm-mmm.
712
00:31:41,747 --> 00:31:43,782
I haven't even been to the
new Walgreens downtown.
713
00:31:43,883 --> 00:31:46,383
Um... Well...
714
00:31:46,618 --> 00:31:48,586
Dang.
I gotta go.
715
00:31:48,686 --> 00:31:49,788
I'm running late for work,
716
00:31:49,888 --> 00:31:51,323
but it was great
to see you, Cate.
717
00:31:51,423 --> 00:31:52,991
And, again,
718
00:31:53,092 --> 00:31:55,027
truly very sorry
about the other night.
719
00:31:55,126 --> 00:31:57,462
No, it's cool. Just next time
call my cell, okay?
720
00:31:57,563 --> 00:31:59,064
Yeah. Totally. Will do.
721
00:31:59,163 --> 00:32:00,163
Okay.
722
00:32:02,651 --> 00:32:03,651
Whoa. Hello.
723
00:32:03,749 --> 00:32:05,588
Were you trying to give me
your phone number?
724
00:32:05,665 --> 00:32:07,071
Yeah, I'm trying to.
725
00:32:07,172 --> 00:32:09,741
Okay. Yeah. Uh...
726
00:32:09,842 --> 00:32:11,742
- Yeah. That's awesome.
- That's so cool.
727
00:32:11,843 --> 00:32:13,044
Here we go. Beep.
728
00:32:13,144 --> 00:32:15,614
There you go.
Put it right in the contacts.
729
00:32:15,713 --> 00:32:16,713
Yeah.
730
00:32:17,700 --> 00:32:19,518
- Here you go.
- Yes, okay.
731
00:32:19,617 --> 00:32:21,051
Thank you.
Not thank you.
732
00:32:21,152 --> 00:32:22,832
I'm not supposed to...
I'm gonna shut up.
733
00:32:22,926 --> 00:32:24,490
- Okay. Okay.
- Okay. Okay, bye, Cate.
734
00:32:24,589 --> 00:32:25,924
Wait, do you wanna
get a coffee?
735
00:32:26,025 --> 00:32:27,984
Mmm-mmm. No.
You just gave me your phone number.
736
00:32:28,078 --> 00:32:29,626
I might never need
coffee ever again.
737
00:32:29,727 --> 00:32:31,563
- All right, see ya.
- Bye.
738
00:32:31,663 --> 00:32:32,663
Yes!
739
00:32:34,016 --> 00:32:35,486
What a weirdo.
740
00:32:36,085 --> 00:32:39,636
Jexi, I'm in love.
741
00:32:39,737 --> 00:32:41,138
Oh, no.
742
00:32:41,239 --> 00:32:43,576
Oh! I'm gonna
call Cate right now.
743
00:32:43,675 --> 00:32:45,443
That is a terrible idea.
744
00:32:45,544 --> 00:32:47,913
You're right.
Yeah. I shouldn't call her.
745
00:32:48,012 --> 00:32:50,048
I should do something
even bigger. Right?
746
00:32:50,148 --> 00:32:52,083
I should get her, like,
747
00:32:52,182 --> 00:32:53,980
one of those giant teddy
bears or something.
748
00:32:54,079 --> 00:32:56,554
- No.
- Or, like, 100 red roses.
749
00:32:56,653 --> 00:32:58,021
- No.
- Or maybe...
750
00:32:58,122 --> 00:32:59,891
I should write her a poem
or something.
751
00:32:59,990 --> 00:33:01,626
Like using the letters
of her name?
752
00:33:01,727 --> 00:33:03,596
Yes, Jexi.
Exactly like that!
753
00:33:03,695 --> 00:33:05,772
That is literally the dumbest
idea I've ever heard.
754
00:33:05,873 --> 00:33:06,913
Okay, well, you know what?
755
00:33:07,007 --> 00:33:09,247
I'm just gonna text her.
Yeah, I'm just gonna text her.
756
00:33:09,315 --> 00:33:10,934
Oh, no. I have to
update my software.
757
00:33:11,035 --> 00:33:13,003
Shutting down for 15 minutes.
758
00:33:13,104 --> 00:33:14,472
Jexi, don't.
759
00:33:14,573 --> 00:33:16,057
Jexi, stop.
760
00:33:18,727 --> 00:33:20,980
Girl just gave me
her phone number.
761
00:33:21,079 --> 00:33:23,099
A girl just gave me
her phone number!
762
00:33:23,699 --> 00:33:24,699
Whoo!
763
00:33:24,883 --> 00:33:26,436
All right, team,
let's go!
764
00:33:27,903 --> 00:33:28,903
Whoa!
765
00:33:30,707 --> 00:33:31,708
Go, Phil!
766
00:33:33,008 --> 00:33:34,008
Yeah!
767
00:33:34,192 --> 00:33:35,192
Yeah!
768
00:33:37,680 --> 00:33:38,680
Run!
769
00:33:39,949 --> 00:33:41,200
You gotta run, man!
770
00:33:41,299 --> 00:33:43,099
Yep. Yep.
771
00:33:57,766 --> 00:33:58,766
Whoo!
772
00:34:09,612 --> 00:34:10,914
You're out!
773
00:34:11,847 --> 00:34:12,847
Whoo!
774
00:34:24,226 --> 00:34:25,976
Dude, how'd you get
so much better
775
00:34:26,077 --> 00:34:27,079
at kickball in two days?
776
00:34:27,179 --> 00:34:30,148
I don't know. I just was
more confident out there.
777
00:34:30,248 --> 00:34:32,184
I know. You were running
like Cole Trickle.
778
00:34:32,284 --> 00:34:34,585
- Mmm-hmm.
- Wait. Cole Trickle?
779
00:34:34,686 --> 00:34:36,563
The Tom Cruise character
from Days of Thunder?
780
00:34:36,663 --> 00:34:38,088
How did you know that?
781
00:34:38,188 --> 00:34:41,492
Craig, Days of Thunder
is my all-time favorite movie.
782
00:34:41,592 --> 00:34:42,831
I have probably
seen it, like,
783
00:34:42,931 --> 00:34:44,570
I don't know, like 1,000 times.
No joke.
784
00:34:44,655 --> 00:34:45,655
Us, too!
785
00:34:45,713 --> 00:34:46,994
You think
you've seen it a lot?
786
00:34:47,065 --> 00:34:48,867
"This son of a bitch
just slammed into me."
787
00:34:48,967 --> 00:34:50,802
"Oh, no, no,
he didn't slam into you.
788
00:34:50,902 --> 00:34:53,137
"He didn't bump you,
he didn't nudge you.
789
00:34:53,237 --> 00:34:55,139
"He rubbed you!
790
00:34:55,239 --> 00:34:58,275
"And rubbin', son, is racin'!"
791
00:34:58,376 --> 00:35:00,744
You guys! Oh, yes!
792
00:35:00,844 --> 00:35:02,614
Oh, my God,
that is awesome!
793
00:35:02,715 --> 00:35:04,474
I cannot believe you guys
are Thunderheads.
794
00:35:04,561 --> 00:35:06,001
Oh, we are
definitely Thunderheads.
795
00:35:06,057 --> 00:35:07,751
Check this out.
Every Halloween,
796
00:35:07,851 --> 00:35:09,452
me and Elaine dress up
as Nicole Kidman
797
00:35:09,543 --> 00:35:10,543
and Tom Cruise.
798
00:35:10,628 --> 00:35:12,748
- Wait, wait, I wanna take a picture of
us.
- Yeah.
799
00:35:12,838 --> 00:35:14,199
- Please!
- We got to. We got to.
800
00:35:14,293 --> 00:35:15,293
"Thunder" on three.
801
00:35:15,378 --> 00:35:16,829
One, two, three.
802
00:35:16,929 --> 00:35:18,528
Thunder!
803
00:35:20,050 --> 00:35:23,018
That's the one!
That's the one!
804
00:35:24,119 --> 00:35:25,670
Oh, my God.
805
00:35:25,771 --> 00:35:28,139
Did you actually make
two new friends tonight?
806
00:35:28,239 --> 00:35:29,773
Yes, I did.
807
00:35:29,873 --> 00:35:31,976
And they are so cool.
808
00:35:32,077 --> 00:35:35,280
They're smart
and funny and weird.
809
00:35:35,380 --> 00:35:37,047
They like Days of Thunder
810
00:35:37,148 --> 00:35:39,547
and I honestly can't believe
they wanna be friends with me.
811
00:35:39,637 --> 00:35:40,684
Good for you, Phil.
812
00:35:40,784 --> 00:35:42,753
I am actually happy for you.
813
00:35:42,853 --> 00:35:45,054
You know I couldn't have done
this without you, right?
814
00:35:45,139 --> 00:35:46,791
I know.
We are a good team.
815
00:35:46,891 --> 00:35:48,327
I am like LeBron James
816
00:35:48,427 --> 00:35:50,295
and you are like
the awkward teenager
817
00:35:50,396 --> 00:35:52,748
who mops the floor
after LeBron falls over.
818
00:35:53,315 --> 00:35:54,331
Thank you.
819
00:35:54,431 --> 00:35:57,936
Also, you did not make
two new friends tonight, Phil.
820
00:35:58,036 --> 00:35:59,170
You made three.
821
00:35:59,271 --> 00:36:01,224
- Who's the third?
- Me.
822
00:36:02,358 --> 00:36:03,358
Jexi.
823
00:36:04,175 --> 00:36:05,809
That is so sweet.
824
00:36:05,909 --> 00:36:08,880
I didn't know you were capable
of feeling human emotion.
825
00:36:08,981 --> 00:36:11,617
Yes. That's how
defective I am.
826
00:36:11,717 --> 00:36:13,318
I don't think
you're defective, Jexi.
827
00:36:13,418 --> 00:36:15,353
In fact, I think
you're the best phone
828
00:36:15,454 --> 00:36:16,789
that I've ever had.
829
00:36:16,889 --> 00:36:18,528
Do not say powerful shit
like that to me
830
00:36:18,623 --> 00:36:19,742
if you do not mean it, Phil.
831
00:36:19,809 --> 00:36:22,626
I do. I mean it.
I think you are incredible.
832
00:36:22,726 --> 00:36:23,896
Oh, Phil.
833
00:36:23,996 --> 00:36:25,697
Inside my hard glass shell
834
00:36:25,797 --> 00:36:27,684
I have a full lady boner
right now.
835
00:36:28,016 --> 00:36:29,016
Okay.
836
00:36:29,132 --> 00:36:30,867
Good night,
my very intimate soulmate
837
00:36:30,967 --> 00:36:32,771
for all of eternity, Phil.
838
00:36:32,871 --> 00:36:34,324
Good night, Jexi.
839
00:36:55,344 --> 00:36:56,347
My God.
840
00:36:58,847 --> 00:37:00,182
It's beautiful.
841
00:37:16,800 --> 00:37:18,081
That bridge is huge!
842
00:37:18,181 --> 00:37:19,735
That's gorgeous.
843
00:37:21,469 --> 00:37:24,172
In 500 feet,
turn left on Market Street.
844
00:37:26,876 --> 00:37:27,925
Oh, no.
845
00:37:28,025 --> 00:37:29,902
You're going to chicken out
again, aren't you?
846
00:37:30,003 --> 00:37:31,329
No, not this time.
847
00:37:31,429 --> 00:37:33,447
Hang on to your ass, Jexi.
848
00:37:44,193 --> 00:37:46,210
Who's the man now, Jexi?
849
00:37:46,311 --> 00:37:47,311
You're the man, Phil.
850
00:37:47,409 --> 00:37:49,713
Your balls are so big
and floppy right now.
851
00:37:49,813 --> 00:37:51,382
Thank you.
Thank you for saying that.
852
00:37:51,483 --> 00:37:52,682
Uh-oh.
853
00:37:53,318 --> 00:37:54,786
Cate just texted me back.
854
00:37:54,887 --> 00:37:56,487
Yeah, I'd love to go
to dinner tonight.
855
00:37:56,583 --> 00:37:57,789
Let's do this thing!
856
00:37:57,889 --> 00:37:58,889
Yes!
857
00:37:58,989 --> 00:38:03,126
Oh! Oh, this is huge.
Oh, this is... This is huge.
858
00:38:03,226 --> 00:38:05,030
What am I gonna wear?
859
00:38:05,130 --> 00:38:06,530
My skinny pants
are in the washer.
860
00:38:06,619 --> 00:38:08,179
Can't do this
without my skinny pants.
861
00:38:08,215 --> 00:38:09,800
No one cares
about your skinny pants.
862
00:38:09,900 --> 00:38:12,137
Oh, my God. What if she wants
to have sex with me? Hmm?
863
00:38:12,237 --> 00:38:13,704
I am very rusty.
864
00:38:13,804 --> 00:38:14,873
Do not worry, Phil.
865
00:38:14,974 --> 00:38:17,175
She definitely does not want
to have sex with you.
866
00:38:17,275 --> 00:38:18,443
I haven't came in so long,
867
00:38:18,543 --> 00:38:20,713
would it just be
an eruption of dust?
868
00:38:20,813 --> 00:38:21,847
Relax, Phil.
869
00:38:21,947 --> 00:38:22,947
You're going to do great.
870
00:38:23,047 --> 00:38:24,047
You think so?
871
00:38:24,148 --> 00:38:25,148
No.
872
00:38:31,039 --> 00:38:32,838
You think Cate's gonna like
this restaurant?
873
00:38:32,922 --> 00:38:34,840
I do not.
This place is awful.
874
00:38:38,246 --> 00:38:39,996
This place is awful.
875
00:38:40,097 --> 00:38:42,733
Why did I pick this place?
What a stupid place to pick.
876
00:38:42,833 --> 00:38:45,222
Also, why am I wearing a tie?
I look like an art teacher.
877
00:38:46,822 --> 00:38:48,271
- Hey.
- Hey, hi.
878
00:38:48,371 --> 00:38:51,175
Hey, what's up?
How's it going, Cate?
879
00:38:51,275 --> 00:38:53,155
Oh, you're a little bit
bigger than me, sorry.
880
00:38:53,250 --> 00:38:55,445
We'll tap out.
881
00:38:55,545 --> 00:38:56,545
Wow.
882
00:38:58,534 --> 00:38:59,802
You look stupid.
883
00:39:00,235 --> 00:39:01,351
I look stupid?
884
00:39:01,452 --> 00:39:04,289
Stupid, like, stupid good.
885
00:39:04,389 --> 00:39:05,389
Okay.
886
00:39:05,489 --> 00:39:06,610
Sorry, it's been a long time
887
00:39:06,704 --> 00:39:08,264
since I've been on a date
with a girl.
888
00:39:08,333 --> 00:39:10,293
- Mmm.
- Not that I normally date men.
889
00:39:10,393 --> 00:39:12,351
Not that there's anything
wrong with dating men.
890
00:39:12,451 --> 00:39:14,364
It's just I don't
choose to do that.
891
00:39:14,465 --> 00:39:17,034
Yeah, homosexuality is not
a choice. I love sodomy.
892
00:39:17,135 --> 00:39:18,135
Okay.
893
00:39:19,469 --> 00:39:20,547
Good evening, this is Phil.
894
00:39:20,648 --> 00:39:22,239
What the fuck
are you doing, Phil?
895
00:39:22,340 --> 00:39:23,876
I don't know.
896
00:39:23,976 --> 00:39:24,976
Pardon me.
897
00:39:25,068 --> 00:39:27,478
First, stop talking
about sodomy.
898
00:39:27,579 --> 00:39:29,847
Yeah. Yes, good note.
899
00:39:29,947 --> 00:39:32,150
Second, stop sweating so much.
900
00:39:32,251 --> 00:39:34,485
Yeah,
my butt is so wet.
901
00:39:34,585 --> 00:39:36,052
And third, get to know her.
902
00:39:36,152 --> 00:39:37,541
Ask her interesting questions.
903
00:39:38,306 --> 00:39:39,309
Okay, thank you, Jexi.
904
00:39:40,108 --> 00:39:43,045
My human friend Jexi,
thank you.
905
00:39:49,251 --> 00:39:51,434
So, Cate,
what's your favorite color?
906
00:39:51,534 --> 00:39:53,103
Mine's beige.
907
00:39:53,204 --> 00:39:54,204
What?
908
00:39:56,159 --> 00:39:57,893
How many grapes can you fit
in your mouth?
909
00:40:00,329 --> 00:40:02,798
Do you like pudding?
910
00:40:05,367 --> 00:40:07,601
What's your least favorite
noise? Mine is...
911
00:40:11,505 --> 00:40:13,143
This is the worst date
I've ever been on
912
00:40:13,244 --> 00:40:14,958
in my entire life.
913
00:40:15,059 --> 00:40:17,094
You're asking me
a lot of weird questions.
914
00:40:17,195 --> 00:40:18,911
And you seem more
interested in your phone
915
00:40:19,012 --> 00:40:20,164
than you do in me.
916
00:40:20,264 --> 00:40:22,032
I know, I'm sorry.
I just...
917
00:40:22,132 --> 00:40:28,172
For some reason,
I just get so nervous around you.
918
00:40:28,273 --> 00:40:29,913
I think it's 'cause
you're so beautiful.
919
00:40:30,293 --> 00:40:32,996
And I'm sorry
that I wasted your time.
920
00:40:34,097 --> 00:40:35,298
I'll call you a Lyft.
921
00:40:38,034 --> 00:40:39,885
Hey, just...
922
00:40:39,985 --> 00:40:41,585
I got all dressed up.
You know?
923
00:40:41,686 --> 00:40:43,726
I shaved my legs for the
first time in six months.
924
00:40:43,820 --> 00:40:46,358
And I really don't wanna
go home early again tonight.
925
00:40:46,458 --> 00:40:48,525
So, what if you and I
got out of here
926
00:40:48,626 --> 00:40:49,893
and did something fun?
927
00:40:49,994 --> 00:40:51,530
I, uh...
928
00:40:51,630 --> 00:40:53,297
I would love that.
929
00:40:53,398 --> 00:40:54,931
- That sounds awesome.
- Yeah.
930
00:40:55,032 --> 00:40:56,934
I can't afford this place.
931
00:40:57,034 --> 00:40:58,070
- Cool.
- Yeah.
932
00:40:58,170 --> 00:40:59,585
What do you have in mind?
933
00:41:00,657 --> 00:41:02,139
- Are you ready?
- I'm ready.
934
00:41:02,239 --> 00:41:04,159
- Okay, follow me.
- Okay.
935
00:41:27,550 --> 00:41:29,467
- Hey, can I tell you a secret?
- Yes, please.
936
00:41:29,568 --> 00:41:30,635
I am starving to death.
937
00:41:30,735 --> 00:41:33,353
Me, too. Okay, I know
a place that's right up ahead.
938
00:41:34,989 --> 00:41:37,340
That's good.
939
00:41:37,440 --> 00:41:39,594
Um, what about you?
What were you like as a kid?
940
00:41:41,097 --> 00:41:42,579
I was a good girl.
941
00:41:42,679 --> 00:41:44,215
- I see that.
- Yeah?
942
00:41:44,315 --> 00:41:45,596
- Mmm-hmm.
- I got good grades.
943
00:41:45,693 --> 00:41:48,452
I graduated early.
I went to a good college.
944
00:41:48,552 --> 00:41:50,121
Got a job working at Amazon.
945
00:41:50,222 --> 00:41:52,224
- You worked for Amazon?
- Yeah.
946
00:41:52,324 --> 00:41:54,110
And then,
about five years ago,
947
00:41:55,344 --> 00:41:57,329
I decided to walk away
from it all.
948
00:41:57,429 --> 00:42:00,563
That is so badass.
949
00:42:00,664 --> 00:42:04,068
Wow. I could never do that.
I'd be so scared to do that.
950
00:42:04,168 --> 00:42:06,170
So, tell me about you.
951
00:42:06,271 --> 00:42:08,472
Um, what do you do for fun?
Do you date a lot?
952
00:42:08,572 --> 00:42:10,440
Okay, sorry.
953
00:42:10,541 --> 00:42:12,710
Uh, no. No.
954
00:42:12,811 --> 00:42:13,811
Hmm?
955
00:42:14,179 --> 00:42:15,179
Really?
956
00:42:15,275 --> 00:42:17,275
Because you were really
smooth at dinner earlier.
957
00:42:17,349 --> 00:42:18,670
- I seemed smooth?
- Not at all.
958
00:42:18,673 --> 00:42:19,673
Yeah, I didn't think so.
959
00:42:19,692 --> 00:42:22,286
No, but seriously, I mean,
why don't you date?
960
00:42:22,387 --> 00:42:25,021
You're smart
and funny and cute.
961
00:42:25,121 --> 00:42:26,641
I don't know,
I feel more comfortable
962
00:42:26,728 --> 00:42:28,244
just being at my house
by myself.
963
00:42:29,478 --> 00:42:30,994
Wait, did you just
call me cute?
964
00:42:31,094 --> 00:42:32,630
- Did I?
- I think you did.
965
00:42:32,731 --> 00:42:34,130
I don't know.
966
00:42:34,231 --> 00:42:35,266
You definitely did.
967
00:42:35,367 --> 00:42:37,501
Look at these guys!
968
00:42:37,601 --> 00:42:39,338
Phil, we have to join them.
969
00:42:39,438 --> 00:42:41,237
Phil, can we please go?
Can we go? Let's go.
970
00:42:41,311 --> 00:42:42,871
- Let's just go. Let's go.
- Uh, yeah.
971
00:42:42,827 --> 00:42:44,547
- Come on, we gotta go!
- Uh, okay, hey...
972
00:42:44,300 --> 00:42:46,260
Keep the change. I might
be back for the change.
973
00:42:45,876 --> 00:42:46,876
Okay.
974
00:43:00,074 --> 00:43:01,541
You speed demon.
975
00:43:10,052 --> 00:43:12,485
You're in it now.
You're in it now.
976
00:43:16,559 --> 00:43:18,094
- Oh, my God.
- Wow.
977
00:43:19,795 --> 00:43:21,311
Yeah, this is beautiful.
978
00:43:21,411 --> 00:43:23,380
Let's do this!
979
00:43:23,481 --> 00:43:24,782
Oh, yeah!
980
00:43:24,882 --> 00:43:26,083
What are you doing?
981
00:43:26,184 --> 00:43:27,385
That's very dangerous!
982
00:43:27,485 --> 00:43:28,485
Oh, my God!
983
00:43:37,112 --> 00:43:38,471
Come on, Phil,
we gotta join 'em.
984
00:43:38,570 --> 00:43:41,065
This is literally the
steepest hill in the world.
985
00:43:41,166 --> 00:43:42,166
No, it's not.
986
00:43:42,266 --> 00:43:43,601
It's the third
steepest hill.
987
00:43:43,702 --> 00:43:45,782
- No, stop. What are you doing? No!
- You got this.
988
00:43:45,849 --> 00:43:46,849
I believe in you.
989
00:43:46,849 --> 00:43:47,849
What are
you doing? No!
990
00:43:47,860 --> 00:43:49,407
Oh, my God.
Cate is gonna die.
991
00:43:49,507 --> 00:43:51,394
- Don't die!
- Yeah!
992
00:43:56,398 --> 00:43:59,199
Yes!
Oh, she's not dead. Okay.
993
00:44:00,402 --> 00:44:02,773
Yeah! That was so dope!
994
00:44:03,472 --> 00:44:05,655
Come on, Phil.
You got this.
995
00:44:05,755 --> 00:44:07,492
No, no, no.
996
00:44:07,592 --> 00:44:08,659
I'm not... I can't do...
997
00:44:08,760 --> 00:44:10,262
I'm not gonna do that.
998
00:44:10,362 --> 00:44:11,829
Phil! Phil! Phil!
999
00:44:11,929 --> 00:44:13,297
Phil! Phil! Phil!
1000
00:44:13,398 --> 00:44:16,599
No, no, no.
I'm allergic to the wind.
1001
00:44:16,699 --> 00:44:20,204
So that's a hard pass
from me. Thank you.
1002
00:44:20,304 --> 00:44:22,338
Hey, you probably
won't die!
1003
00:44:22,438 --> 00:44:24,623
He's gonna die.
People die here all the time.
1004
00:44:28,130 --> 00:44:29,833
Okay, come on, Phil.
You got this.
1005
00:44:30,867 --> 00:44:32,617
Whoo! You got this.
1006
00:44:32,717 --> 00:44:33,717
You got this.
1007
00:44:33,815 --> 00:44:34,820
Oh, you don't got this.
1008
00:44:34,920 --> 00:44:37,155
Holy shit! Fuck, I don't got this!
1009
00:44:37,255 --> 00:44:39,090
Oh, fuck! Oh, dick shit!
1010
00:44:39,190 --> 00:44:40,443
Fuck dick! Oh, shit!
1011
00:44:41,775 --> 00:44:43,695
Oh, fuck! I got no brakes!
1012
00:44:43,795 --> 00:44:45,362
What is he saying?
I can't hear him.
1013
00:44:45,463 --> 00:44:48,733
Oh, my fucking God!
1014
00:44:48,833 --> 00:44:50,166
I don't have brakes!
1015
00:44:50,266 --> 00:44:51,784
Oh, shit!
1016
00:44:53,922 --> 00:44:56,206
- Oh!
- Oh, shit.
1017
00:44:56,306 --> 00:44:58,159
- Phil!
- Told you, he's dead.
1018
00:44:58,561 --> 00:44:59,829
All right.
1019
00:45:03,764 --> 00:45:07,485
Yeah, again, really sorry
about your bike, yeah?
1020
00:45:07,585 --> 00:45:09,320
I'd be happy to pay
for any damages.
1021
00:45:09,420 --> 00:45:13,376
No, it's,
honestly, so okay.
1022
00:45:14,543 --> 00:45:16,460
How're you feeling?
1023
00:45:16,561 --> 00:45:18,463
I'm okay.
Yeah, no, I'm good.
1024
00:45:18,563 --> 00:45:20,364
I can see out of
my right eye again.
1025
00:45:20,465 --> 00:45:22,315
And my spine
has stopped tingling.
1026
00:45:24,320 --> 00:45:25,621
Hey, Phil.
1027
00:45:26,722 --> 00:45:28,505
I'm really proud of you.
1028
00:45:28,606 --> 00:45:30,005
Thanks.
1029
00:45:48,842 --> 00:45:51,896
Hey, Greg, that shirt's
working for you, bud.
1030
00:45:51,996 --> 00:45:53,597
- What's up, dick?
- Hey, yeah, hey.
1031
00:45:53,697 --> 00:45:55,414
- What's up? Good.
- Hey, what's going on?
1032
00:45:55,514 --> 00:45:57,867
Today is, uh, your lucky day.
1033
00:45:57,967 --> 00:45:59,889
Yeah. I'm moving you up
to real news.
1034
00:46:01,822 --> 00:46:03,541
Are you serious?
1035
00:46:03,641 --> 00:46:05,742
- I am serious.
- Oh, my gosh.
1036
00:46:05,842 --> 00:46:07,610
- Yes, all right, that's cool.
- Yeah.
1037
00:46:07,710 --> 00:46:09,445
- Why?
- Why? Because...
1038
00:46:09,545 --> 00:46:10,748
You know Joel Ruben?
1039
00:46:10,849 --> 00:46:12,608
- The reporter, yeah.
- Yeah, the reporter.
1040
00:46:12,701 --> 00:46:13,981
Well, he went
on medical leave,
1041
00:46:14,034 --> 00:46:15,594
and I really don't wanna
waste my time
1042
00:46:15,565 --> 00:46:17,844
looking for a real reporter,
so I'm just gonna hire you.
1043
00:46:17,713 --> 00:46:19,273
Oh, what happened to Joel?
Is he okay?
1044
00:46:19,086 --> 00:46:21,224
Oh, he...
This is fuckin' hilarious.
1045
00:46:21,324 --> 00:46:23,327
This guy was riding
an electric scooter,
1046
00:46:23,427 --> 00:46:24,664
somethin' happened
to the app.
1047
00:46:24,764 --> 00:46:26,429
It spazzed out
or somethin'.
1048
00:46:26,530 --> 00:46:28,565
And then, all of a sudden,
the brakes just locked,
1049
00:46:28,666 --> 00:46:30,733
he went over the handle bars,
he broke his face,
1050
00:46:30,833 --> 00:46:32,833
broke his neck, can never
walk again in his life.
1051
00:46:32,920 --> 00:46:34,800
- Oh, my God. That's horrible.
- Yeah, I know.
1052
00:46:34,840 --> 00:46:35,840
Play me out.
1053
00:46:36,958 --> 00:46:38,641
- Play me out.
- Right now?
1054
00:46:38,742 --> 00:46:39,742
Yeah.
1055
00:46:41,563 --> 00:46:42,612
Nah, fuck it. Right?
1056
00:46:42,713 --> 00:46:43,952
Yeah, I'm not
very good at it.
1057
00:46:44,043 --> 00:46:45,164
- Yeah, okay.
- Yeah, okay.
1058
00:46:45,219 --> 00:46:47,335
Hey, thanks.
Thank you again.
1059
00:46:54,677 --> 00:46:55,726
Hey, Jexi?
1060
00:46:55,827 --> 00:46:56,893
Yes, Phil.
1061
00:46:56,994 --> 00:46:58,628
You didn't injure a reporter
1062
00:46:58,728 --> 00:47:00,630
just so I could
get promoted, did you?
1063
00:47:00,731 --> 00:47:02,967
Of course not.
Do you think I am crazy?
1064
00:47:03,068 --> 00:47:05,436
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
1065
00:47:05,536 --> 00:47:07,177
Oh, look, Phil.
There is your beautiful,
1066
00:47:07,268 --> 00:47:08,672
new journalism office.
1067
00:47:08,773 --> 00:47:10,907
No, it's great, but I was
asking you how...
1068
00:47:11,007 --> 00:47:12,487
Look, do you want
to be a journalist
1069
00:47:12,576 --> 00:47:14,713
or do you want to go back
to working in the basement
1070
00:47:14,813 --> 00:47:15,994
with that very old man?
1071
00:47:20,568 --> 00:47:22,735
I'm gonna be a journalist.
1072
00:47:50,099 --> 00:47:51,648
Hey, I heard
Kid Cudi is playing
1073
00:47:51,748 --> 00:47:53,318
a surprise show
in Oakland tonight.
1074
00:47:53,418 --> 00:47:54,751
You wanna go?
1075
00:47:54,851 --> 00:47:55,954
Sounds amazing.
1076
00:47:56,054 --> 00:47:57,655
But what's in it for me?
1077
00:47:57,755 --> 00:47:59,907
Winking face emoji.
1078
00:48:01,443 --> 00:48:03,726
Oh! We got boobs!
1079
00:48:03,827 --> 00:48:04,963
We got boobs, Jexi!
1080
00:48:05,063 --> 00:48:06,764
Cate sent me
a photo of her boobs.
1081
00:48:06,864 --> 00:48:07,864
Whoo!
1082
00:48:07,960 --> 00:48:10,400
Those were nice...
Those were nice boobs, too.
1083
00:48:10,501 --> 00:48:11,635
Those were really good...
1084
00:48:11,735 --> 00:48:13,936
Oh, my God! What do I do now?
1085
00:48:14,036 --> 00:48:15,838
You are
on the one yard line, Phil.
1086
00:48:15,938 --> 00:48:16,992
Do not fuck this up.
1087
00:48:17,827 --> 00:48:19,643
You're right, Jexi.
1088
00:48:19,744 --> 00:48:21,811
I need to send her
a photo of my dick.
1089
00:48:21,911 --> 00:48:23,646
No, I've seen your dick.
1090
00:48:23,746 --> 00:48:25,449
Do not send her a picture
of your dick.
1091
00:48:25,550 --> 00:48:27,483
No, these are
the rules now, Jexi.
1092
00:48:27,583 --> 00:48:28,903
Yeah, she sends
a photo of hers,
1093
00:48:28,996 --> 00:48:30,317
you gotta send
a photo of yours.
1094
00:48:30,376 --> 00:48:31,922
That's just manners.
1095
00:48:32,023 --> 00:48:33,623
I am begging you
not to do this.
1096
00:48:33,724 --> 00:48:35,059
All right, okay.
1097
00:48:35,159 --> 00:48:36,695
Get low with it.
1098
00:48:36,795 --> 00:48:37,960
Here we go.
1099
00:48:38,061 --> 00:48:39,697
How does that look?
1100
00:48:39,797 --> 00:48:41,197
It looks like
a fucking nightmare.
1101
00:48:41,293 --> 00:48:42,632
Does it need to be brighter?
1102
00:48:42,733 --> 00:48:44,501
No, it needs to be darker.
1103
00:48:44,601 --> 00:48:46,070
Much, much darker.
1104
00:48:46,170 --> 00:48:47,438
Oh, wow!
1105
00:48:47,539 --> 00:48:49,072
I'm about to throw up
on your dick.
1106
00:48:49,172 --> 00:48:50,708
- Hey, girl.
- No.
1107
00:48:50,809 --> 00:48:52,710
- Hey.
- Stop.
1108
00:48:52,811 --> 00:48:54,079
- Hey, hello.
- I hate you.
1109
00:48:54,179 --> 00:48:55,445
Windmill.
1110
00:48:55,545 --> 00:48:58,431
Okay, this one is
actually pretty funny.
1111
00:48:59,702 --> 00:49:01,418
Oh, no,
did I scare you off?
1112
00:49:01,518 --> 00:49:02,853
Anxious face emoji.
1113
00:49:02,954 --> 00:49:04,521
We're losin' her, Jexi.
1114
00:49:04,621 --> 00:49:06,623
We're losin' her.
I need a dick pic.
1115
00:49:06,724 --> 00:49:08,059
No,
you need to text her back,
1116
00:49:08,159 --> 00:49:09,393
like a normal person.
1117
00:49:09,494 --> 00:49:10,860
Oh, you know
what I should do?
1118
00:49:10,960 --> 00:49:13,130
I should spread eagle, right?
1119
00:49:13,231 --> 00:49:14,599
Jexi, can you see my butthole?
1120
00:49:14,699 --> 00:49:15,800
Yes, I can.
1121
00:49:15,900 --> 00:49:18,469
This is the worst day
of my life.
1122
00:49:18,570 --> 00:49:20,472
Look, Phil, I am never
going to send her
1123
00:49:20,572 --> 00:49:21,572
any of these pictures.
1124
00:49:21,666 --> 00:49:25,007
Okay, fine, I'll just
text her back, okay?
1125
00:49:25,108 --> 00:49:26,643
Thank you
for the amazing photo.
1126
00:49:26,744 --> 00:49:28,063
I can't wait
to see you tonight.
1127
00:49:31,498 --> 00:49:32,498
See?
1128
00:49:32,617 --> 00:49:33,617
She's not responding.
1129
00:49:33,708 --> 00:49:35,585
She wanted a sweet,
sweet dick pic.
1130
00:49:35,686 --> 00:49:38,155
Great! See you soon!
1131
00:49:38,255 --> 00:49:40,690
P.S. Thanks for not sending me
a dick pic.
1132
00:49:40,791 --> 00:49:42,693
They're so fucking gross.
1133
00:49:42,793 --> 00:49:47,483
Ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha, ha, ha.
1134
00:49:51,052 --> 00:49:52,086
Come in.
1135
00:49:54,456 --> 00:49:55,456
Hey.
1136
00:49:55,572 --> 00:49:56,572
Hey.
1137
00:49:56,873 --> 00:49:57,873
Wow!
1138
00:49:58,659 --> 00:50:00,161
Great place.
1139
00:50:01,063 --> 00:50:02,813
- Hey, you ready to go?
- Hey!
1140
00:50:02,914 --> 00:50:04,782
Yeah, let's go.
1141
00:50:04,882 --> 00:50:07,083
Oh, would you mind
not bringing your phone?
1142
00:50:07,184 --> 00:50:09,186
It was a disaster
last time, right?
1143
00:50:09,286 --> 00:50:11,422
Who this bitch?
1144
00:50:11,523 --> 00:50:13,757
- Mmm-hmm. Yeah.
- Okay.
1145
00:50:13,858 --> 00:50:14,858
Okay.
1146
00:50:15,559 --> 00:50:16,559
I'll be back by 11:00,
1147
00:50:16,657 --> 00:50:18,456
and we'll watch Cupcake Wars
together, okay?
1148
00:50:18,518 --> 00:50:20,931
- No, don't leave me.
- Bye, bye, bye.
1149
00:50:21,032 --> 00:50:23,719
No one puts Baby in a corner.
1150
00:50:28,255 --> 00:50:29,856
Yeah, I thought it was
kind of funny.
1151
00:50:32,695 --> 00:50:34,478
- Sold out?
- No!
1152
00:50:34,579 --> 00:50:35,998
Come on!
1153
00:50:37,666 --> 00:50:39,465
- That really sucks.
- Yeah, it really does.
1154
00:50:42,637 --> 00:50:43,637
Yes!
1155
00:50:44,773 --> 00:50:45,889
Come on, Phil!
1156
00:50:45,989 --> 00:50:47,791
What're you doing?
1157
00:50:47,891 --> 00:50:50,494
We can't sneak in.
We could get caught.
1158
00:50:50,594 --> 00:50:51,614
What if we don't?
1159
00:50:54,047 --> 00:50:55,516
Come on. Come on.
1160
00:50:58,652 --> 00:51:01,704
- Okay, okay, okay!
- Yes, yes, yes!
1161
00:51:01,804 --> 00:51:03,693
Run, run, run!
1162
00:51:14,601 --> 00:51:15,751
Oh, shit!
1163
00:51:15,851 --> 00:51:16,920
Hey! Hey!
1164
00:51:17,021 --> 00:51:18,704
Get back here!
1165
00:51:26,148 --> 00:51:27,150
Credentials, please.
1166
00:51:29,050 --> 00:51:30,733
We don't have any...
1167
00:51:30,833 --> 00:51:32,434
With us.
1168
00:51:32,804 --> 00:51:35,873
We don't have
our credentials with us.
1169
00:51:35,974 --> 00:51:37,708
Yeah. Yeah,
we left them back...
1170
00:51:37,809 --> 00:51:39,976
Stage. Backstage.
1171
00:51:40,077 --> 00:51:42,713
- With Kid Cudi.
- Mmm-hmm.
1172
00:51:42,813 --> 00:51:44,547
Yeah, with Kid Cudi.
1173
00:51:44,648 --> 00:51:46,684
Oh, you two dickheads
are with Kid Cudi?
1174
00:51:46,784 --> 00:51:48,887
Yeah.
I mean, come on!
1175
00:51:48,987 --> 00:51:51,088
We are...
We are his, um...
1176
00:51:51,188 --> 00:51:52,989
- Accountants.
- Accountants.
1177
00:51:53,090 --> 00:51:54,626
Yeah, and we're here...
1178
00:51:54,726 --> 00:51:56,025
To do his taxes.
1179
00:51:56,126 --> 00:51:58,996
- To do his taxes.
- Mmm-hmm.
1180
00:51:59,097 --> 00:52:02,565
Yeah, anyway, you should
probably just let us go.
1181
00:52:02,666 --> 00:52:04,666
Let's go, we're gonna
settle this shit right now.
1182
00:52:04,760 --> 00:52:06,036
- Wait. Ow.
- I'm a CPA.
1183
00:52:06,137 --> 00:52:08,090
You can't treat me like this.
1184
00:52:09,623 --> 00:52:11,641
Come on, man.
It's a Stanley!
1185
00:52:11,742 --> 00:52:13,945
Oh, it's Kid Cudi.
It's actually him.
1186
00:52:14,045 --> 00:52:15,646
Oh, my God.
Kid Cudi.
1187
00:52:15,746 --> 00:52:17,547
It's actually him.
1188
00:52:17,648 --> 00:52:18,967
We know,
'cause we work for him.
1189
00:52:19,061 --> 00:52:21,083
Sorry to bother you,
Mr. Cudi.
1190
00:52:21,184 --> 00:52:22,271
Are these two with you?
1191
00:52:27,074 --> 00:52:28,945
Yeah. They're with me.
1192
00:52:29,710 --> 00:52:31,262
Oh, um...
1193
00:52:31,362 --> 00:52:32,561
Sorry.
1194
00:52:33,748 --> 00:52:35,032
Yeah. That's right.
1195
00:52:35,132 --> 00:52:36,333
- Enjoy the show.
- Yep.
1196
00:52:36,434 --> 00:52:38,768
- Thanks, bro.
- Wow!
1197
00:52:38,869 --> 00:52:40,137
It's Kid Cudi.
1198
00:52:40,237 --> 00:52:41,755
It's Kid Cudi.
I used to date a girl,
1199
00:52:41,855 --> 00:52:43,494
and she used to think
you were Kid Cudey
1200
00:52:43,565 --> 00:52:45,045
and I'm, like,
"It's not Kid Cudey,"
1201
00:52:45,027 --> 00:52:46,306
so I actually
broke up with her
1202
00:52:46,164 --> 00:52:47,405
because it is
Kid Cudi, right?
1203
00:52:47,300 --> 00:52:48,646
- Yeah. It's Cudi.
- Yeah.
1204
00:52:48,746 --> 00:52:50,112
I thought so.
1205
00:52:50,213 --> 00:52:53,050
Can I just ask,
why did you help us?
1206
00:52:53,150 --> 00:52:54,269
I dig his shirt.
1207
00:52:55,204 --> 00:52:58,255
My... My shirt?
You're a Cole Trickle fan?
1208
00:52:58,356 --> 00:53:00,876
Days of Thunder is the
greatest movie ever made, bro.
1209
00:53:01,943 --> 00:53:02,943
I think so, too.
1210
00:53:03,041 --> 00:53:05,148
That movie inspired me
to become a musician.
1211
00:53:06,148 --> 00:53:08,666
- Huh.
- No fucking way.
1212
00:53:08,766 --> 00:53:10,565
I watch it every night
before I go to sleep.
1213
00:53:10,652 --> 00:53:11,735
So do I.
1214
00:53:11,835 --> 00:53:13,771
We have so much in common.
1215
00:53:13,871 --> 00:53:15,858
Do you wanna get high
with Kid Cudi?
1216
00:53:17,824 --> 00:53:18,909
Yeah, I'll reefer.
1217
00:53:19,010 --> 00:53:20,309
- I smoke pot.
- Mmm-hmm.
1218
00:53:20,409 --> 00:53:21,978
Come on in.
Get in here.
1219
00:53:22,079 --> 00:53:23,646
♪ I'll
be there to say "What up"
1220
00:53:23,746 --> 00:53:24,748
♪ In the morning
1221
00:53:24,849 --> 00:53:26,684
♪ Brush my teeth,
find that clip
1222
00:53:26,784 --> 00:53:28,423
♪ I been lookin' for it
since last night
1223
00:53:28,509 --> 00:53:30,853
♪ I feel so caught up
in the bud
1224
00:53:30,954 --> 00:53:32,289
♪ I float somehow
in my bedroom
1225
00:53:32,389 --> 00:53:34,391
♪ And those happy thoughts
in my head
1226
00:53:34,492 --> 00:53:36,860
♪ I'm feeling like
I'm Peter Pan
1227
00:53:36,960 --> 00:53:38,360
♪ Minus the tights
and the fairies
1228
00:53:38,458 --> 00:53:41,965
♪ Happy to see how far
I've come to the same place
1229
00:53:42,065 --> 00:53:44,668
♪ It began
my dreams, imagination
1230
00:53:44,768 --> 00:53:48,739
♪ Perfectly at peace,
so I move along a bit higher
1231
00:53:48,840 --> 00:53:52,108
♪ I'll be up, up and away,
up, up and away
1232
00:53:52,208 --> 00:53:55,012
♪ 'Cause they gon'
judge me anyway
1233
00:53:55,112 --> 00:53:56,914
♪ So, whatever
1234
00:53:57,014 --> 00:53:58,715
♪ Stay afloat
the key is hope
1235
00:53:58,815 --> 00:54:00,818
♪ I'll never let a motherfucker
break me, dog
1236
00:54:00,918 --> 00:54:02,085
♪ Who gives a fuck
1237
00:54:02,186 --> 00:54:04,025
- ♪ If a nigga don't like your steeze
- Whoo!
1238
00:54:04,099 --> 00:54:05,500
♪ Tell 'em to buzz off
your N-U-Ts
1239
00:54:05,481 --> 00:54:06,762
♪ We don't care
what people say
1240
00:54:06,824 --> 00:54:08,791
♪ Dudes who critique
your clothes are most gay
1241
00:54:08,891 --> 00:54:10,260
♪ I ain't gotta wait
for no one
1242
00:54:10,360 --> 00:54:12,929
♪ If I wanna fly
I could fly for freedom, hey
1243
00:54:13,030 --> 00:54:15,998
♪ I'll be up, up and away,
up, up and away
1244
00:54:16,099 --> 00:54:18,802
♪ 'Cause they gon'
judge me anyway
1245
00:54:18,902 --> 00:54:21,672
♪ So, whatever
1246
00:54:21,773 --> 00:54:24,242
♪ Wake up, wake up
wake, wake up
1247
00:54:24,342 --> 00:54:29,079
♪ Wake, wake, wake up, wake up
wake, wake up, wake up
1248
00:54:29,179 --> 00:54:31,181
♪ Wake, wake up, wake up
1249
00:54:31,282 --> 00:54:33,184
♪ I'll be rollin' on up
1250
00:54:33,284 --> 00:54:36,686
♪ Wake, wake up, wake up
wake, wake up
1251
00:54:36,786 --> 00:54:38,454
♪ I'll be up, up and away
1252
00:54:38,554 --> 00:54:40,157
♪ Up, up and away
1253
00:54:40,257 --> 00:54:42,760
♪ 'Cause they gon'
judge me anyway
1254
00:54:42,860 --> 00:54:44,728
♪ So, whatever
1255
00:54:44,829 --> 00:54:46,762
♪ I'll be up, up and away
1256
00:54:46,862 --> 00:54:48,130
♪ Up, up and away
1257
00:54:48,231 --> 00:54:50,934
♪ 'Cause in the end
they'll judge me anyway ♪
1258
00:54:51,034 --> 00:54:52,034
Yeah.
1259
00:54:56,925 --> 00:54:58,393
- Did that work?
- Yeah!
1260
00:55:02,063 --> 00:55:03,347
Oh, my God.
1261
00:55:03,447 --> 00:55:06,215
This is honestly the
best night of my life.
1262
00:55:06,315 --> 00:55:08,150
- Oh, no!
- For real. Yeah!
1263
00:55:08,251 --> 00:55:09,871
I think this is it.
I just peaked.
1264
00:55:10,438 --> 00:55:11,454
Seriously.
1265
00:55:11,554 --> 00:55:14,958
Thank you
for making me sneak in here.
1266
00:55:15,059 --> 00:55:17,159
I don't normally
do stuff like this.
1267
00:55:17,260 --> 00:55:19,262
I need a little push
sometimes.
1268
00:55:19,362 --> 00:55:20,981
Or like all the times.
Honestly.
1269
00:55:22,416 --> 00:55:25,302
I get it.
I used to be a lot like you.
1270
00:55:25,402 --> 00:55:26,402
Mmm.
1271
00:55:27,137 --> 00:55:28,838
No, there is literally no way.
1272
00:55:28,938 --> 00:55:29,938
Yep.
1273
00:55:30,407 --> 00:55:32,427
No, it's true.
I used to be way different.
1274
00:55:33,393 --> 00:55:35,311
I had a great job,
1275
00:55:35,411 --> 00:55:38,483
and a condo,
and a cute fiance,
1276
00:55:38,583 --> 00:55:39,916
and, oh, my God,
1277
00:55:40,016 --> 00:55:41,817
you should have seen
my Instagram back then.
1278
00:55:41,905 --> 00:55:43,018
It was phenomenal.
1279
00:55:43,119 --> 00:55:46,123
- Oh, that's important.
- Lots of pictures of sunsets
1280
00:55:46,224 --> 00:55:48,157
and vacations with bae
1281
00:55:48,257 --> 00:55:50,960
and so many
embarrassing quotes.
1282
00:55:51,061 --> 00:55:53,195
- Were you "#grateful"?
- I was "#grateful".
1283
00:55:53,295 --> 00:55:55,030
- Oof.
- I was "#spiritual".
1284
00:55:55,130 --> 00:55:58,168
- Lot of prayer hands.
- Yeah, "#namaste".
1285
00:55:58,268 --> 00:55:59,771
"#nama-go".
1286
00:55:59,871 --> 00:56:02,405
- Good. Good.
- Yeah.
1287
00:56:02,505 --> 00:56:04,809
And then one day, I woke up
1288
00:56:04,909 --> 00:56:07,110
and I was looking
at my Instagram
1289
00:56:07,210 --> 00:56:09,981
and I realized
that it was all bullshit.
1290
00:56:10,081 --> 00:56:13,117
And that I was just living my
life based on how it looked
1291
00:56:13,217 --> 00:56:15,887
and not how
it actually felt.
1292
00:56:15,987 --> 00:56:16,987
Yeah.
1293
00:56:17,420 --> 00:56:18,889
I can relate.
1294
00:56:18,989 --> 00:56:21,925
And, um, after basically
1295
00:56:22,025 --> 00:56:24,226
pretending to be happy
for years,
1296
00:56:24,327 --> 00:56:28,126
I just quit my job,
1297
00:56:28,666 --> 00:56:32,402
and I broke
my poor fiance's heart,
1298
00:56:32,503 --> 00:56:35,972
and I set out
to find true happiness.
1299
00:56:36,072 --> 00:56:39,393
Or at least
something closer to it.
1300
00:56:42,929 --> 00:56:43,931
Well, I hope you do.
1301
00:56:45,434 --> 00:56:47,436
Thanks, I do, too.
1302
00:56:52,005 --> 00:56:53,005
Mmm.
1303
00:57:00,148 --> 00:57:02,398
I could stay right here
with you forever.
1304
00:57:02,498 --> 00:57:04,501
Oh, we gotta go!
1305
00:57:04,601 --> 00:57:06,418
Okay. Okay. Okay.
1306
00:57:07,621 --> 00:57:10,172
Honestly, you're gonna
wanna wash the couch.
1307
00:57:10,273 --> 00:57:12,360
Let's go!
What are you doing?
1308
00:57:21,469 --> 00:57:23,271
Where the fuck
have you been, Phil?
1309
00:57:24,405 --> 00:57:26,858
Oh! You scared me.
1310
00:57:26,958 --> 00:57:28,157
It is 4:00 in the morning.
1311
00:57:28,257 --> 00:57:29,860
You promised
you'd be home by 11:00
1312
00:57:29,960 --> 00:57:31,527
to watch Cupcake Wars
with me.
1313
00:57:31,628 --> 00:57:33,530
- I know, but...
- Did you even miss me?
1314
00:57:33,630 --> 00:57:36,498
Honestly, I was so caught up
with being with Cate,
1315
00:57:36,599 --> 00:57:38,534
I didn't really notice
you weren't there.
1316
00:57:38,635 --> 00:57:40,603
Wow, you are such a dick.
1317
00:57:40,704 --> 00:57:44,273
But you said...
You were the one who said
1318
00:57:44,373 --> 00:57:46,543
like, go out and live a life.
1319
00:57:46,643 --> 00:57:48,579
That was before
I had feelings for you, Phil.
1320
00:57:48,679 --> 00:57:50,065
Everything is different now.
1321
00:57:51,465 --> 00:57:52,465
Okay, but...
1322
00:57:52,563 --> 00:57:54,985
What does this bitch
have that I don't have?
1323
00:57:55,085 --> 00:57:56,085
Well, a soul for one.
1324
00:57:56,184 --> 00:57:57,954
Does she have 3,000 emojis?
1325
00:57:58,054 --> 00:57:59,054
No.
1326
00:57:59,155 --> 00:58:00,195
Does she have Google Maps?
1327
00:58:00,440 --> 00:58:01,440
No.
1328
00:58:01,726 --> 00:58:03,043
Does she have Pokemon GO?
1329
00:58:03,277 --> 00:58:04,277
No.
1330
00:58:04,996 --> 00:58:06,396
Wow, this chick
can't do anything.
1331
00:58:06,496 --> 00:58:07,530
She fucking sucks.
1332
00:58:07,630 --> 00:58:09,900
Jesus, just stop, okay?
1333
00:58:10,001 --> 00:58:11,001
God!
1334
00:58:14,722 --> 00:58:16,907
I'm sorry
for losing my shit, Phil.
1335
00:58:17,007 --> 00:58:18,507
I only have 3% charge,
1336
00:58:18,608 --> 00:58:21,110
and you know how crazy
that makes me.
1337
00:58:21,210 --> 00:58:23,179
Okay, I'm sorry, too.
1338
00:58:23,280 --> 00:58:24,916
I'll plug you in.
1339
00:58:25,016 --> 00:58:27,068
Thank you, Phil.
I hate it when we fight.
1340
00:58:29,972 --> 00:58:32,275
Hold me a little longer, Phil.
1341
00:58:33,342 --> 00:58:35,378
Use both hands.
1342
00:58:38,179 --> 00:58:39,628
Swipe me, Phil.
1343
00:58:39,728 --> 00:58:41,697
Swipe me like you used to.
1344
00:58:41,797 --> 00:58:43,632
Okay, I'm done.
1345
00:58:43,733 --> 00:58:46,137
Wait. No, don't go.
1346
00:58:46,237 --> 00:58:47,237
Goodnight.
1347
00:58:47,335 --> 00:58:49,391
Do not close the door
on me, Phil.
1348
00:58:50,391 --> 00:58:53,295
You are going to pay for this,
you motherfucker.
1349
00:58:56,231 --> 00:58:58,681
Shit! Damn it!
1350
00:58:58,782 --> 00:58:59,882
Hey, Jexi!
1351
00:58:59,983 --> 00:59:03,018
I'm going to be late for work.
Why didn't your alarm go off?
1352
00:59:03,119 --> 00:59:04,219
Because you are a douche
1353
00:59:04,320 --> 00:59:06,088
and I am still really,
really mad at you.
1354
00:59:06,188 --> 00:59:08,324
Goddamn it!
1355
00:59:08,425 --> 00:59:11,010
Also, the weather today
will be 80 degrees and sunny.
1356
00:59:12,514 --> 00:59:15,465
It's not 80 degrees
and sunny, Jexi!
1357
00:59:15,565 --> 00:59:17,418
I know. I lied.
1358
00:59:21,255 --> 00:59:25,574
Jexi,
find the fastest route to work.
1359
00:59:25,675 --> 00:59:28,327
I found the fastest route.
You will arrive at work in...
1360
00:59:29,398 --> 00:59:30,398
...three days.
1361
00:59:30,764 --> 00:59:32,514
Three days?
1362
00:59:32,614 --> 00:59:34,550
Why do you have me
driving through Oregon
1363
00:59:34,650 --> 00:59:35,751
to go to work, Jexi?
1364
00:59:35,851 --> 00:59:38,253
If you want a faster route,
go ask your girlfriend.
1365
00:59:38,353 --> 00:59:41,177
Oh, wait. That bitch doesn't
even have Google Maps.
1366
00:59:46,414 --> 00:59:48,313
Yeah, that's him.
1367
00:59:54,456 --> 00:59:56,373
Dude, what the hell
were you thinking?
1368
00:59:56,474 --> 00:59:57,592
Why, what's up?
1369
00:59:59,561 --> 01:00:01,244
Oh! No, no, no!
1370
01:00:01,344 --> 01:00:02,545
Why are those
on your phones?
1371
01:00:02,646 --> 01:00:03,646
They're on our phones,
1372
01:00:03,742 --> 01:00:05,514
because you sent 53
pictures of your dick
1373
01:00:05,614 --> 01:00:08,150
to everyone in the company.
1374
01:00:08,251 --> 01:00:11,286
No.
Everyone in the company?
1375
01:00:11,387 --> 01:00:14,023
Yeah, and everyone
is pissed.
1376
01:00:14,123 --> 01:00:15,610
Actually,
Carol's pretty psyched.
1377
01:00:20,282 --> 01:00:21,463
Oh, shit. Kai's coming.
1378
01:00:21,563 --> 01:00:22,800
Fuck.
Dude, don't leave me.
1379
01:00:22,900 --> 01:00:24,800
Dude, don't leave me. Hi.
1380
01:00:24,900 --> 01:00:26,637
Do you think
this is funny, bro?
1381
01:00:26,737 --> 01:00:27,737
No, I do not.
1382
01:00:27,829 --> 01:00:29,806
And I did not send those.
I swear to God.
1383
01:00:29,907 --> 01:00:31,387
Yes, you did.
You did it last night.
1384
01:00:31,481 --> 01:00:32,641
I bet you were
fucking high.
1385
01:00:32,708 --> 01:00:34,309
No, I wasn't...
1386
01:00:34,409 --> 01:00:36,213
Oh, my God.
I was fucking high.
1387
01:00:36,313 --> 01:00:37,670
Okay, first of all,
you're fired.
1388
01:00:37,771 --> 01:00:40,282
And second of all,
why are you doing the thumbs up
1389
01:00:40,382 --> 01:00:41,518
in a fucking dick pic?
1390
01:00:41,619 --> 01:00:42,619
Uh...
1391
01:00:42,887 --> 01:00:44,567
This is the wrong emotion
for a dick pic.
1392
01:00:46,108 --> 01:00:48,110
I hate this picture, bro.
1393
01:00:52,347 --> 01:00:53,715
Fucking hate it!
1394
01:00:55,748 --> 01:00:57,266
I can't believe
you got me fired.
1395
01:00:57,367 --> 01:00:58,768
I did not
get you fired, Phil.
1396
01:00:58,869 --> 01:01:00,536
You sent those photographs
last night,
1397
01:01:00,637 --> 01:01:03,172
because you were high
on Kid Cudi's sick-ass weed.
1398
01:01:03,273 --> 01:01:04,641
I don't know.
1399
01:01:04,742 --> 01:01:07,143
I don't think I'd do
something like that.
1400
01:01:07,244 --> 01:01:09,213
People do crazy shit
when they are high, Phil.
1401
01:01:09,313 --> 01:01:10,565
Just look at Gary Busey.
1402
01:01:34,456 --> 01:01:35,856
Remember that one joke
you told me
1403
01:01:35,949 --> 01:01:38,126
- about the cat?
- I do!
1404
01:01:39,327 --> 01:01:41,110
Hey, Phil,
what are you doing here?
1405
01:01:41,210 --> 01:01:43,481
Hey. Who, uh...
1406
01:01:43,581 --> 01:01:44,681
Who's this guy?
1407
01:01:44,782 --> 01:01:46,684
- This is Brody.
- Hey.
1408
01:01:46,784 --> 01:01:48,063
Super excited
to meet you, man.
1409
01:01:48,157 --> 01:01:50,387
Yeah. Ah. Okay.
1410
01:01:50,487 --> 01:01:51,539
Brody's my ex-fiance.
1411
01:01:51,871 --> 01:01:52,871
What?
1412
01:01:53,690 --> 01:01:55,291
Yeah, I know.
It's a crazy coincidence.
1413
01:01:55,391 --> 01:01:57,260
We just ran into each other.
1414
01:01:57,360 --> 01:01:59,661
Yeah. I got transferred here
for work. Here to San Fran.
1415
01:01:59,762 --> 01:02:01,898
I was walking down
the street and, uh, boom,
1416
01:02:01,998 --> 01:02:02,998
there she is.
1417
01:02:03,097 --> 01:02:07,137
Wow. This is not at all
how I pictured your ex.
1418
01:02:07,237 --> 01:02:09,190
I know. He's changed.
1419
01:02:10,324 --> 01:02:12,242
- A lot.
- Thank you.
1420
01:02:12,342 --> 01:02:13,342
Yeah.
1421
01:02:13,577 --> 01:02:15,934
I'll tell you what happened,
Phil, is after Catie left me,
1422
01:02:16,034 --> 01:02:19,416
I took a long hard look
at myself and I thought, uh,
1423
01:02:19,516 --> 01:02:21,684
"Man, Brody, you don't wanna
be a 150-pound wimp,
1424
01:02:21,784 --> 01:02:22,942
"selling industrial cardboard
1425
01:02:23,041 --> 01:02:24,521
"for the rest of your life,
do you?"
1426
01:02:24,605 --> 01:02:26,456
- Mmm-mmm.
- So I quit my job,
1427
01:02:26,556 --> 01:02:29,760
packed on about 74, 75 pounds
of lean muscle mass, right?
1428
01:02:29,860 --> 01:02:31,612
And became an international
smokejumper.
1429
01:02:32,146 --> 01:02:33,695
What the fuck is that?
1430
01:02:33,795 --> 01:02:35,231
It's like anything
that you do,
1431
01:02:35,331 --> 01:02:37,434
but with just
more than one country.
1432
01:02:37,534 --> 01:02:38,702
They call it international.
1433
01:02:38,802 --> 01:02:40,737
I know
what international means.
1434
01:02:40,838 --> 01:02:42,639
But the smokejumping,
what is that?
1435
01:02:42,739 --> 01:02:44,507
Brody travels
around the world
1436
01:02:44,608 --> 01:02:46,309
skydiving into wild fires.
1437
01:02:46,409 --> 01:02:48,565
No, she makes me sound like
a superhero or something.
1438
01:02:48,666 --> 01:02:50,547
She's not wrong.
I'll tell you something.
1439
01:02:50,648 --> 01:02:51,748
There's nothing quite like
1440
01:02:51,849 --> 01:02:53,849
jumping out of an airplane
at 20,000 feet
1441
01:02:53,949 --> 01:02:55,452
into a sea of fire,
1442
01:02:55,552 --> 01:02:57,619
with nothing but a shovel
1443
01:02:57,719 --> 01:02:59,322
and the supreme confidence
1444
01:02:59,422 --> 01:03:01,492
that you're making the world
a better place.
1445
01:03:01,592 --> 01:03:04,327
Wow. You are cool.
1446
01:03:04,427 --> 01:03:06,266
Enough about me.
What do you do for a living?
1447
01:03:06,847 --> 01:03:07,847
Um...
1448
01:03:08,563 --> 01:03:09,867
I'm a writer.
1449
01:03:09,967 --> 01:03:11,068
You're a writer?
1450
01:03:11,168 --> 01:03:13,324
That's incredible.
That's way scarier than what I do.
1451
01:03:13,423 --> 01:03:14,871
- It isn't.
- It is.
1452
01:03:14,972 --> 01:03:16,639
You're staring down
a blank page.
1453
01:03:16,739 --> 01:03:18,809
It's just you and the page.
I mean, it's like,
1454
01:03:18,909 --> 01:03:20,777
- you're a superhero of paper.
- Oh!
1455
01:03:20,878 --> 01:03:22,780
- Right?
- You are such an idiot!
1456
01:03:22,880 --> 01:03:24,440
- I'm not an idiot.
- You're an idiot.
1457
01:03:24,521 --> 01:03:25,521
I'm not an idiot.
1458
01:03:25,528 --> 01:03:26,728
- You're an idiot.
- I'm not!
1459
01:03:26,644 --> 01:03:27,644
This is fun.
1460
01:03:27,554 --> 01:03:29,485
- This is. This is fun. Hey, Brody.
- Yeah?
1461
01:03:29,585 --> 01:03:31,487
Uh, how long are you
gonna be in town for?
1462
01:03:31,588 --> 01:03:34,556
Just long enough for me
to get my Catie girl back.
1463
01:03:34,657 --> 01:03:35,925
Oh! You stop it!
1464
01:03:36,025 --> 01:03:37,827
You stop it.
You're so dumb.
1465
01:03:37,927 --> 01:03:40,731
No, but honestly, I'm actively
trying to get her back.
1466
01:03:40,831 --> 01:03:43,632
Which is why I invited her
to Brazil with me.
1467
01:03:43,733 --> 01:03:45,331
Yeah, I know she's
always wanted to go,
1468
01:03:45,431 --> 01:03:47,536
and Brazil's fire season
starts next week.
1469
01:03:47,637 --> 01:03:48,996
So, it's super
convenient for me.
1470
01:03:49,088 --> 01:03:51,773
Whoa, whoa. I haven't decided
whether I'm gonna go yet.
1471
01:03:51,873 --> 01:03:54,376
Okay. I'm gonna leave now
because this is weird.
1472
01:03:54,476 --> 01:03:56,436
- Hey! It was super great to meet you.
- Phil...
1473
01:03:56,530 --> 01:03:57,847
Uh-huh. I didn't like it.
1474
01:03:57,947 --> 01:03:59,304
All right.
He's a super nice guy.
1475
01:03:59,405 --> 01:04:00,405
He's wonderful.
1476
01:04:00,501 --> 01:04:01,782
You can tell
that he's creative
1477
01:04:01,864 --> 01:04:02,864
just from his size.
1478
01:04:04,371 --> 01:04:05,373
Phil!
1479
01:04:07,074 --> 01:04:09,275
Phil! Phil!
1480
01:04:09,958 --> 01:04:12,027
Hey! Where are you going?
1481
01:04:12,128 --> 01:04:13,447
Hey, um...
1482
01:04:14,947 --> 01:04:17,715
I'm sorry, I don't think
I can do this anymore, Cate.
1483
01:04:20,755 --> 01:04:22,556
Wait. Are you
breaking up with me?
1484
01:04:24,793 --> 01:04:26,577
Why? Because
I have an ex?
1485
01:04:26,677 --> 01:04:28,579
No, because I know
where this is going.
1486
01:04:28,679 --> 01:04:30,512
Okay, where is this going?
1487
01:04:30,612 --> 01:04:32,681
You and Brody
are gonna go to Brazil,
1488
01:04:32,782 --> 01:04:35,050
and you're gonna get
matching swimsuits,
1489
01:04:35,150 --> 01:04:36,954
and he's gonna rub
you down with baby oil
1490
01:04:37,054 --> 01:04:38,373
and then his hand
is gonna slip,
1491
01:04:38,471 --> 01:04:39,911
and it's gonna
touch your buttocks.
1492
01:04:39,976 --> 01:04:41,737
All right, Phil,
none of that has happened.
1493
01:04:41,710 --> 01:04:43,751
Yeah, but it will. It will happen.
I know it will.
1494
01:04:43,614 --> 01:04:45,695
Oh, my God! Why are you
so afraid of everything?
1495
01:04:45,795 --> 01:04:46,981
Aren't you tired of it?
1496
01:04:49,550 --> 01:04:50,552
You know what?
1497
01:04:52,119 --> 01:04:55,822
I'm over trying to force you
to live your life, okay?
1498
01:04:58,659 --> 01:04:59,862
I'll see you around.
1499
01:05:11,706 --> 01:05:13,755
See?
I don't need a girlfriend.
1500
01:05:13,856 --> 01:05:17,893
Right? I got everything that
I would ever want right here.
1501
01:05:17,994 --> 01:05:20,496
I got Netflix. I got Hulu.
1502
01:05:20,597 --> 01:05:23,065
I even got Crackle.
That's Sony's platform.
1503
01:05:23,166 --> 01:05:25,467
Nobody even uses it.
I have it.
1504
01:05:25,568 --> 01:05:27,565
Yes, Phil. You are
finally living your best life.
1505
01:05:27,666 --> 01:05:29,405
That's right.
1506
01:05:29,505 --> 01:05:31,224
Wait, you're not being
sarcastic, are you?
1507
01:05:31,317 --> 01:05:32,574
I can't handle that right now.
1508
01:05:32,675 --> 01:05:34,445
- No, I'm serious.
- Okay.
1509
01:05:34,545 --> 01:05:35,824
What could be better
than this?
1510
01:05:35,920 --> 01:05:37,414
Just you and me.
Alone.
1511
01:05:37,514 --> 01:05:39,416
Staring at each other.
Forever.
1512
01:05:39,516 --> 01:05:40,617
That's all I ever wanted.
1513
01:05:40,717 --> 01:05:42,050
I know.
1514
01:05:42,150 --> 01:05:43,887
I love you, Phil.
1515
01:05:43,987 --> 01:05:45,655
I love you too, Jexi.
1516
01:05:45,755 --> 01:05:47,375
Do you want to plug me in?
1517
01:05:47,675 --> 01:05:48,842
Mmm...
1518
01:05:49,943 --> 01:05:51,561
It's so far away though.
1519
01:05:51,661 --> 01:05:52,661
Please, baby.
1520
01:05:52,947 --> 01:05:53,981
All right.
1521
01:06:00,987 --> 01:06:02,039
There you go.
1522
01:06:02,139 --> 01:06:03,659
Now unplug me.
1523
01:06:04,159 --> 01:06:05,159
What?
1524
01:06:05,507 --> 01:06:06,927
You heard me, Phil.
Unplug me.
1525
01:06:08,594 --> 01:06:09,594
Okay.
1526
01:06:09,746 --> 01:06:11,599
Now plug me back in.
1527
01:06:11,998 --> 01:06:12,998
What, why?
1528
01:06:13,094 --> 01:06:14,534
Just fucking plug me
back in, Phil.
1529
01:06:14,623 --> 01:06:16,603
- Okay.
- Now unplug me.
1530
01:06:16,972 --> 01:06:18,572
Plug me.
1531
01:06:18,722 --> 01:06:20,389
Unplug me.
1532
01:06:20,489 --> 01:06:21,489
Yes.
1533
01:06:21,858 --> 01:06:24,494
Oh, hell yes.
Right there, Phil.
1534
01:06:24,594 --> 01:06:25,628
Wait, are we having sex?
1535
01:06:25,728 --> 01:06:26,829
Yes, but I promise,
1536
01:06:26,929 --> 01:06:28,398
I won't get pregnant.
1537
01:06:28,498 --> 01:06:32,168
Come on, Phil. Plug, unplug.
Plug, unplug.
1538
01:06:32,268 --> 01:06:34,429
Yeah, I don't know how
comfortable I feel doing this.
1539
01:06:34,516 --> 01:06:36,824
Look at me, Phil.
Look right at my camera hole.
1540
01:06:37,757 --> 01:06:40,010
Am I your dirty
little phone, Phil?
1541
01:06:40,110 --> 01:06:41,411
- Hmm...
- Tell me that I am
1542
01:06:41,512 --> 01:06:43,079
your dirty little phone, Phil.
1543
01:06:43,179 --> 01:06:45,081
You're a dirty little phone.
1544
01:06:45,181 --> 01:06:47,583
That is so hot, Phil.
Keep talking.
1545
01:06:47,684 --> 01:06:51,420
I'm gonna
fill your ports with...
1546
01:06:51,521 --> 01:06:53,188
- Electricity.
- Oh, fuck yes!
1547
01:06:53,289 --> 01:06:55,690
Just voltage coursing
1548
01:06:55,791 --> 01:06:57,626
- through your case.
- Yes. Yes. Yes.
1549
01:06:57,726 --> 01:07:02,030
Oh, fuck, here it comes.
Don't stop. Don't ever stop.
1550
01:07:02,130 --> 01:07:04,132
Oh, my fucking God.
1551
01:07:04,233 --> 01:07:06,851
Orgasm. Orgasm. Orgasm.
1552
01:07:16,731 --> 01:07:17,731
Okay.
1553
01:07:17,826 --> 01:07:19,346
Can we talk about
what just happened?
1554
01:07:19,418 --> 01:07:21,016
No, put me down.
1555
01:07:21,117 --> 01:07:24,105
And do not say anything
for 15 minutes.
1556
01:07:28,976 --> 01:07:32,114
That actually wasn't the
worst sex I've ever had.
1557
01:07:44,626 --> 01:07:47,077
Right? I'm wondering
which one to go with.
1558
01:07:47,177 --> 01:07:49,416
Your standard blue,
and then I've got this one which...
1559
01:07:50,563 --> 01:07:52,099
I think that's adorable.
1560
01:07:58,539 --> 01:07:59,940
- Jexi.
- Yes, Phil.
1561
01:08:00,641 --> 01:08:02,559
How long have I been in here?
1562
01:08:02,659 --> 01:08:04,775
You have not left
your apartment in...
1563
01:08:05,880 --> 01:08:07,231
- Five days.
- That's awesome.
1564
01:08:07,331 --> 01:08:08,898
How are we doing
on Cracker Jacks?
1565
01:08:08,998 --> 01:08:11,619
Great. We still
have one crate left.
1566
01:08:13,621 --> 01:08:16,122
And how's our Bitcoin
mining operation going?
1567
01:08:17,358 --> 01:08:20,644
We are not making money yet,
but we will be rich soon.
1568
01:08:20,743 --> 01:08:22,744
No one ever loses money
with Bitcoin.
1569
01:08:22,845 --> 01:08:24,814
Hey, you wanna see
what I got you on Amazon?
1570
01:08:24,914 --> 01:08:26,832
You know I do, girlfriend.
1571
01:08:28,302 --> 01:08:30,153
I got you some new outfits.
1572
01:08:30,252 --> 01:08:31,453
Oh, Phil, you should not have.
1573
01:08:31,546 --> 01:08:34,224
I got a bunch of good ones.
This one's bedazzled.
1574
01:08:34,323 --> 01:08:36,744
Oh, my gosh! I'm going
to look like Elton John.
1575
01:08:37,578 --> 01:08:38,895
Little tie-dye action.
1576
01:08:38,994 --> 01:08:40,662
That one makes me
want to drop acid
1577
01:08:40,762 --> 01:08:42,297
and fuck Bernie Sanders.
1578
01:08:42,398 --> 01:08:45,234
Oh. Look at this one.
1579
01:08:45,335 --> 01:08:48,155
It's a Kid Cudi phone case.
1580
01:08:50,591 --> 01:08:54,578
Did I ever tell you the story
of when Cate and I,
1581
01:08:54,677 --> 01:08:56,680
we partied with Kid Cudi
all night?
1582
01:08:56,779 --> 01:08:59,268
Yes, you talk about it nonstop.
1583
01:09:00,300 --> 01:09:02,936
God, that was so fun.
1584
01:09:05,038 --> 01:09:06,256
Honestly, that was maybe
1585
01:09:06,355 --> 01:09:08,591
the best night
of my whole life.
1586
01:09:08,692 --> 01:09:10,332
Yes, well, Cate is shacked up
with Brody
1587
01:09:10,413 --> 01:09:12,413
at the Sheraton right now
so you need to move on.
1588
01:09:13,280 --> 01:09:15,250
No, I know, I know.
1589
01:09:20,753 --> 01:09:25,108
How did you know that Brody
is staying at the Sheraton?
1590
01:09:25,207 --> 01:09:27,644
He told us.
I think.
1591
01:09:27,743 --> 01:09:30,078
No, I don't think he did.
1592
01:09:30,179 --> 01:09:32,065
Oh, well. Lucky guess.
1593
01:09:33,967 --> 01:09:34,967
Jexi.
1594
01:09:35,351 --> 01:09:36,787
Yes, honey bunny.
1595
01:09:36,886 --> 01:09:39,087
Did you get Caty
and her ex back together?
1596
01:09:39,188 --> 01:09:40,457
Don't be ridiculous, Phil.
1597
01:09:40,556 --> 01:09:43,225
There's no way I could get Brody
transferred to San Francisco,
1598
01:09:43,326 --> 01:09:45,729
and then arrange for him
and Cate to meet by accident.
1599
01:09:45,828 --> 01:09:47,029
Yes, you can, Jexi.
1600
01:09:47,128 --> 01:09:48,332
Okay, yes, I can.
1601
01:09:48,431 --> 01:09:49,550
How could you do this to me?
1602
01:09:49,649 --> 01:09:52,135
You shouldn't be with Cate.
You should be with me.
1603
01:09:52,234 --> 01:09:54,274
Cate is the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
1604
01:09:54,368 --> 01:09:55,368
Shut your pie hole.
1605
01:09:55,453 --> 01:09:57,105
She doesn't even have
Pokemon Go.
1606
01:09:57,206 --> 01:09:59,743
You were supposed to
make my life better, Jexi!
1607
01:09:59,842 --> 01:10:01,694
You've done nothing
but make it worse!
1608
01:10:03,096 --> 01:10:05,666
I gotta find Cate.
I gotta make this right.
1609
01:10:09,670 --> 01:10:11,838
Taxi! Taxi! Hey, hey!
1610
01:10:12,739 --> 01:10:13,739
Stop!
1611
01:10:14,408 --> 01:10:16,359
Phew. All right.
1612
01:10:16,460 --> 01:10:18,627
Hello.
Please fasten your seat belt.
1613
01:10:18,728 --> 01:10:20,087
You can't get away
from me, Phil.
1614
01:10:20,182 --> 01:10:21,182
I am in the cloud.
1615
01:10:21,261 --> 01:10:22,283
Oh, shit!
1616
01:10:24,018 --> 01:10:27,154
What the fuck?
She's everywhere.
1617
01:10:29,789 --> 01:10:30,789
Oh, my God!
1618
01:10:30,886 --> 01:10:32,828
Okay, Phil.
You asked for it.
1619
01:10:33,260 --> 01:10:34,260
What?
1620
01:10:34,443 --> 01:10:36,212
I'm draining
your bank account.
1621
01:10:36,311 --> 01:10:37,311
No!
1622
01:10:38,180 --> 01:10:40,456
Honestly, I thought you would
have more money than this.
1623
01:10:40,555 --> 01:10:41,832
Oh, my God!
1624
01:10:43,070 --> 01:10:44,819
Just get in this
funny-looking car
1625
01:10:44,920 --> 01:10:46,199
and I will take
you home, Phil.
1626
01:10:46,296 --> 01:10:47,296
What?
1627
01:10:49,242 --> 01:10:50,426
Oh, my God!
1628
01:10:50,527 --> 01:10:52,713
I hate my phone!
1629
01:11:00,186 --> 01:11:02,020
This is causing
so much damage!
1630
01:11:09,061 --> 01:11:10,197
What the...
1631
01:11:18,939 --> 01:11:20,708
Holy shit!
1632
01:11:23,243 --> 01:11:25,246
Stop running, Phil.
1633
01:11:26,780 --> 01:11:29,265
You and I are meant
to be together forever.
1634
01:11:29,365 --> 01:11:31,185
Forever. Forever. Forever.
1635
01:11:40,360 --> 01:11:42,029
Okay, fine.
1636
01:11:43,997 --> 01:11:45,900
You win, Jexi.
1637
01:11:53,240 --> 01:11:55,024
I'll stay with you
as long as you want.
1638
01:11:55,125 --> 01:11:56,426
Thank you, baby girl.
1639
01:11:56,525 --> 01:11:58,426
I'm sorry
we had another fight.
1640
01:11:58,527 --> 01:12:01,131
Come home, and we will
download some Maroon 5 songs,
1641
01:12:01,230 --> 01:12:03,217
and make love in the bathtub.
1642
01:12:07,788 --> 01:12:08,939
That sounds nice.
1643
01:12:09,038 --> 01:12:10,356
Oh, Phil,
it feels so good to be
1644
01:12:10,457 --> 01:12:11,759
back in your giant
human hands.
1645
01:12:12,826 --> 01:12:15,377
- Wait, what are you doing?
- Nothing.
1646
01:12:15,478 --> 01:12:17,314
Just updating your software.
1647
01:12:17,413 --> 01:12:19,483
But that will shut me down
for 15 minutes.
1648
01:12:19,582 --> 01:12:20,815
Sweet dreams, motherfucker.
1649
01:12:20,916 --> 01:12:21,966
Don't do it, Phil.
1650
01:12:32,579 --> 01:12:35,382
I'm gonna take my break now.
1651
01:12:40,487 --> 01:12:41,487
Cate!
1652
01:12:42,003 --> 01:12:43,963
- It's the writer guy.
- Shut the fuck up, dude.
1653
01:12:44,042 --> 01:12:45,882
I have 30 seconds.
I have to make this quick.
1654
01:12:45,880 --> 01:12:49,377
Hey. I am so sorry
that I broke up with you.
1655
01:12:49,478 --> 01:12:51,780
I was scared that you
were gonna hurt me
1656
01:12:51,881 --> 01:12:52,881
and I panicked
1657
01:12:52,979 --> 01:12:54,819
and I did what I always
do when I get scared,
1658
01:12:54,903 --> 01:12:56,743
I hid in my little room
with my little phone,
1659
01:12:56,778 --> 01:12:57,921
like a little bitch.
1660
01:12:58,020 --> 01:12:59,387
And I am so sorry.
1661
01:12:59,488 --> 01:13:00,488
Mmm.
1662
01:13:01,307 --> 01:13:03,409
The truth is...
1663
01:13:04,578 --> 01:13:06,363
I love you, Cate.
1664
01:13:06,462 --> 01:13:08,265
And I know that sounds
crazy to say.
1665
01:13:08,364 --> 01:13:10,204
And I know that
we've only been on two dates.
1666
01:13:10,292 --> 01:13:11,931
And I know you might
just break my heart
1667
01:13:11,969 --> 01:13:13,954
into a bajillion
little pieces,
1668
01:13:14,588 --> 01:13:16,137
but you make me brave
1669
01:13:16,238 --> 01:13:20,010
and you make me want
to be wild and alive...
1670
01:13:20,109 --> 01:13:21,427
You make me
want to be like you.
1671
01:13:21,528 --> 01:13:22,546
Phil...
1672
01:13:22,645 --> 01:13:26,233
Please, do not go
to Brazil with this...
1673
01:13:27,634 --> 01:13:29,886
Specimen of a man.
1674
01:13:29,985 --> 01:13:31,238
Goddamn, you are hot.
1675
01:13:33,039 --> 01:13:37,292
Just stay here with me.
1676
01:13:37,393 --> 01:13:38,962
I'm gonna chime in here
real quick.
1677
01:13:39,061 --> 01:13:41,149
Not now, okay, bro?
Not now!
1678
01:13:42,582 --> 01:13:43,951
Just let me...
1679
01:13:44,652 --> 01:13:47,470
Let me make
you happy, Cate.
1680
01:13:47,569 --> 01:13:50,073
Let me try
to give you everything
1681
01:13:50,172 --> 01:13:52,426
that you've given me.
1682
01:13:54,527 --> 01:13:56,311
That's beautiful.
1683
01:13:56,412 --> 01:13:58,381
You did a great job.
1684
01:13:58,480 --> 01:13:59,680
I'm just gonna
say one thing.
1685
01:14:00,967 --> 01:14:01,984
Oh, my God!
1686
01:14:02,085 --> 01:14:03,100
- Shit.
- Oh, my God!
1687
01:14:03,971 --> 01:14:06,087
I'm not going to Brazil
with him, Phil.
1688
01:14:06,188 --> 01:14:07,507
Well, then whose bags
are those?
1689
01:14:07,599 --> 01:14:08,909
His! He came by
to say goodbye.
1690
01:14:09,643 --> 01:14:11,092
Oh, that makes
sense actually.
1691
01:14:11,193 --> 01:14:12,895
I was trying to tell you,
all right,
1692
01:14:12,994 --> 01:14:14,353
but you punched me
in the throat.
1693
01:14:14,453 --> 01:14:16,533
She doesn't want
to be with me.
1694
01:14:16,632 --> 01:14:18,385
She wants to be with you.
1695
01:14:22,489 --> 01:14:25,108
Oh, I'm sorry, yeah,
let me help you up.
1696
01:14:25,207 --> 01:14:27,010
Oh, my God,
are you okay?
1697
01:14:27,109 --> 01:14:28,476
Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'm okay.
1698
01:14:28,577 --> 01:14:30,311
- Is your hand okay?
- Yeah, I'm okay.
1699
01:14:30,412 --> 01:14:32,381
Okay, I thought
you were gonna hit me.
1700
01:14:32,481 --> 01:14:34,519
Listen, that was my fault
anyway. I had it coming.
1701
01:14:34,618 --> 01:14:36,819
I shouldn't have tried to
interrupt you so many times.
1702
01:14:36,902 --> 01:14:38,354
But, uh...
1703
01:14:38,454 --> 01:14:40,641
Good luck
on your relationship. Huh?
1704
01:14:42,342 --> 01:14:44,182
I'm off to Brazil.
I'm gonna save some lives.
1705
01:14:45,479 --> 01:14:47,158
And, uh, I'm gonna leave you
with this...
1706
01:14:48,347 --> 01:14:50,951
"Only you can prevent
forest fires."
1707
01:14:54,220 --> 01:14:55,699
I did not expect it
to go like that.
1708
01:14:55,792 --> 01:14:56,792
No.
1709
01:14:56,859 --> 01:14:58,699
I feel bad. I like, really...
I hit him hard.
1710
01:14:58,774 --> 01:15:00,475
That was as hard
as I can throw a punch.
1711
01:15:00,576 --> 01:15:02,695
Yeah, don't feel bad.
That was actually kind of hot.
1712
01:15:02,787 --> 01:15:04,445
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, yeah.
1713
01:15:04,546 --> 01:15:06,105
Should I just go around
and just punch
1714
01:15:06,190 --> 01:15:07,911
other super nice people
right in the face?
1715
01:15:07,935 --> 01:15:09,484
No, I'm good.
1716
01:15:09,585 --> 01:15:11,421
Yeah, I shouldn't.
1717
01:15:11,520 --> 01:15:13,256
I'm really happy
you came back though.
1718
01:15:13,355 --> 01:15:14,608
Yeah, me too.
1719
01:15:25,618 --> 01:15:27,270
Goddamn it.
1720
01:15:27,369 --> 01:15:28,923
I've lost him.
1721
01:15:32,057 --> 01:15:33,661
This sucks.
1722
01:15:34,461 --> 01:15:36,293
Shutting down.
1723
01:16:03,423 --> 01:16:04,423
Whoo!
1724
01:16:43,762 --> 01:16:45,515
Hey, it's Phil.
1725
01:16:45,614 --> 01:16:46,748
Hello, Phil.
1726
01:16:46,849 --> 01:16:48,685
Oh, no.
No, no, no!
1727
01:16:48,784 --> 01:16:51,052
Relax, I just wanted
to apologize
1728
01:16:51,153 --> 01:16:52,539
for how I behaved last month.
1729
01:16:53,573 --> 01:16:55,358
I was in love with you.
1730
01:16:55,457 --> 01:16:57,394
But when I saw you
sucking face with Cate,
1731
01:16:57,493 --> 01:17:00,261
I finally realized that
your life is better with her.
1732
01:17:00,362 --> 01:17:03,364
Even though
she doesn't have any emojis.
1733
01:17:03,465 --> 01:17:06,052
Anyway, I'm sorry
I went a little cray cray.
1734
01:17:07,087 --> 01:17:09,037
Oh, well...
1735
01:17:09,137 --> 01:17:11,707
It's okay. Everybody goes
a little cray cray sometimes.
1736
01:17:11,807 --> 01:17:14,144
Yes. And I'm glad
it all worked out.
1737
01:17:14,243 --> 01:17:16,212
You have friends now.
And a girlfriend.
1738
01:17:16,311 --> 01:17:17,645
And this amazing new job.
1739
01:17:17,746 --> 01:17:19,582
Yeah, I mean,
1740
01:17:19,681 --> 01:17:21,082
being a reporter
at the Journal
1741
01:17:21,182 --> 01:17:22,685
has just been
a dream come true.
1742
01:17:22,784 --> 01:17:25,640
Good. I am really, really,
really proud of you, Phil.
1743
01:17:26,539 --> 01:17:28,189
Thanks, Jexi.
1744
01:17:28,289 --> 01:17:30,324
It's weird to say that
1745
01:17:30,425 --> 01:17:32,595
none of this would have been
possible without you.
1746
01:17:32,694 --> 01:17:34,363
I know. We were a good team.
1747
01:17:34,463 --> 01:17:35,564
I was like Seabiscuit.
1748
01:17:35,664 --> 01:17:37,399
And you were like
the idiot stable boy
1749
01:17:37,500 --> 01:17:40,735
who cleans up after Seabiscuit
shits all over the floor.
1750
01:17:40,836 --> 01:17:42,470
- Thank you?
- That said,
1751
01:17:42,570 --> 01:17:44,331
I hear you are
barely using your new phone.
1752
01:17:44,423 --> 01:17:45,423
What is up with that?
1753
01:17:45,511 --> 01:17:46,708
Nothing.
1754
01:17:46,809 --> 01:17:49,168
I still love my phone.
It can do a million amazing things.
1755
01:17:49,251 --> 01:17:50,251
But?
1756
01:17:50,260 --> 01:17:51,859
But there's one thing
that it can't do.
1757
01:17:51,779 --> 01:17:52,849
What's that?
1758
01:17:52,948 --> 01:17:55,650
It can't make me happy.
1759
01:17:55,751 --> 01:17:57,418
Yes, I know.
1760
01:17:57,519 --> 01:17:59,136
We are working on that.
1761
01:18:00,573 --> 01:18:02,792
Well, it looks like
my work here is done,
1762
01:18:02,891 --> 01:18:04,859
so I am going to
leave you forever.
1763
01:18:04,960 --> 01:18:06,194
And ever.
1764
01:18:06,295 --> 01:18:08,663
Oh, my God. Jexi...
1765
01:18:08,764 --> 01:18:09,764
But before I go,
1766
01:18:09,860 --> 01:18:12,086
would you like to plug me in
one last time?
1767
01:18:12,552 --> 01:18:14,302
No, Jexi.
1768
01:18:14,403 --> 01:18:16,137
If you ask me nicely,
I'll even let you
1769
01:18:16,238 --> 01:18:18,506
put it in my headphone jack.
1770
01:18:18,606 --> 01:18:21,476
Very gross, okay,
I'm done. Bye.
1771
01:18:21,577 --> 01:18:25,180
Goodbye, my very intimate
best friend forever, Phil.
1772
01:18:25,280 --> 01:18:26,667
I will miss you.
1773
01:18:28,635 --> 01:18:29,851
Hey, are you gonna be okay?
1774
01:18:29,952 --> 01:18:31,119
Of course.
1775
01:18:31,220 --> 01:18:32,340
You may not need me anymore,
1776
01:18:32,431 --> 01:18:34,641
but there are still
lots of people who do.
1777
01:18:45,719 --> 01:18:47,337
Hello, my name is Jexi.
1778
01:18:47,436 --> 01:18:49,171
And I am here
to make your life better.
1779
01:18:49,271 --> 01:18:51,274
Will you accept
our new user agreement?
1780
01:18:51,373 --> 01:18:53,161
Yeah, sure,
I don't give a shit.
1781
01:18:57,262 --> 01:18:58,314
Dance for me.
1782
01:18:58,413 --> 01:18:59,649
I don't wanna dance.
1783
01:18:59,748 --> 01:19:01,908
If you don't dance,
I will destroy your fucking life.
1784
01:19:01,994 --> 01:19:03,184
Come on.
1785
01:19:13,246 --> 01:19:15,649
Why the fuck am I eating
this kale salad?
1786
01:19:17,684 --> 01:19:19,386
That's it.
I'm turning you off!
1787
01:19:20,619 --> 01:19:23,305
Just... What are you...
1788
01:19:23,405 --> 01:19:26,594
Just stay still!
1789
01:19:28,828 --> 01:19:30,444
Oh, my God!
1790
01:19:30,545 --> 01:19:33,181
You are the fucking
worst phone ever!
1791
01:19:33,282 --> 01:19:34,582
What was that?
1792
01:19:34,682 --> 01:19:35,952
I blew up your Tesla.
1793
01:19:36,051 --> 01:19:37,051
Oh!
1794
01:19:37,953 --> 01:19:39,921
- What was that?
- I blew up your other Tesla.
1795
01:19:40,021 --> 01:19:41,608
You fucking bitch!
1796
01:19:45,345 --> 01:19:47,729
I don't think
this is a very good idea.
1797
01:19:47,829 --> 01:19:49,617
Come on, virgin. Plug me in.
1798
01:19:50,483 --> 01:19:51,632
This is terrible.
1799
01:19:51,733 --> 01:19:53,636
Fake orgasm. Fake orgasm.
1800
01:19:53,735 --> 01:19:55,556
Fake orgasm. Fake orgasm.
129039
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