Original subtitles

DENNIS: All right, so there

we were. We're in the brig

and the whole ship just,

you know, bumps.

We get

thrown against the wall.

Yeah.

You know,

the-the lights are going off.

The sirens are blaring.

Whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa.

How did we get in the

brig in the first place?

What do you mean, Frank?

You were there.

I'm very cloudy

about the beginning.

I think I need a recap.

Recap?

A recap would be good, you know?

Just to kind of brush up

on everything that happened.

A recap...

Now, see, I forgot that.

...honestly might be good

because, you know,

we want him

to be completely clear

before the final judgment.

All right, you know,

Right, yeah.

the amount of energy

we're using talking

about whether

or not we should recap,

we may as well just recap,

so fine, fine.

So there we were.

We're on a Christian cruise.

Yeah, we were all thrown

in the brig

for various sins

that we committed.

Me, admittedly,

for a little bit of lust.

Um, and in summation,

we're all good people,

asking for forgiveness,

My thing, not a rape.

Move on; you're

losing him.

Move on; you're losing him.

I just want to be clear.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

I just wanted to be clear.

(alarm blaring)

(thunder crashes)

What the hell is that?

What're those sirens for?

Oh, my God, oh, my God.

See, I knew I shouldn't

have come on this cruise.

I knew it! I mean, it used to be

I would never even leave Philly!

And then, you know,

you guys drag me into this,

you drag me into that,

and next thing I know,

I-I'm stuck in a box

on a sinking ship!

Hold on, the boat's not sinking.

How do you know that?

How do you know it's not...?

(alarm stops)

Well... Oh.

There you go. It stopped.

All right, uh,

I guess that's good.

I mean, like...

like, if something went wrong,

they-they'd come down here,

they'd get us, right?

You know what, guys,

what difference does it make?

You know?

Life is just a series of events

with no meaning or plan,

you know?

It's like, we live, we die,

we're gay, we're straight,

we're tops, we're bottoms.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Calm down, everybody.

We're gonna be

in the Bahamas in an hour.

Well, you sure? Like, I...

I don't think we're moving.

We're moving. I can hear

the engine buzzing like crazy.

No, I think Charlie's right.

I-I don't think that we're

moving, and-and besides,

the buzzing would be,

like, an electrical system.

You know?

The engine sounds more like...

(imitating a motor boat)

Yeah, maybe on a speedboat.

This is a big cruise ship.

It's got like a big,

deep sound; it's like a...

(imitating engine starting)

Yeah, if you're starting

the engine, but, like,

we would be hearing a steady...

Gah, gah, gah, gah,

gah, gah, gah, gah...

DENNIS: No, you

guys are all wrong.

No, boats are mostly

computerized these days,

so the engine barely

makes any noise at all.

I mean, they-they make

a fake noise

to-to make people feel better,

but it's like... (deep humming)

But it's fake, it's not...

it's not real, you know?

It's kind of like how I carry

a little piece of onion

around with me to elicit tears,

you know,

in case someone needs me

to feel something

about what they said or

are doing, you know what I mean?

Do you have an onion

in your pocket right now?

No.

No, I'm taking

a vacation from myself.

W-Was it a vacation

from hearing, okay?

'Cause if the engine was going,

we would hear a gah, gah, gah,

gah, gah, gah, gah...

Are you deaf, Charlie?

I was like...

(imitating motor boat)

(all doing different

engine imitations)

All right, okay, all right!

I mean, that's ridiculous!

All right, all right, all right!

Goddamn! Okay, look.

Let's just, let's all agree

that it doesn't sound

like a speedboat

or something

that's off-roading, all right?

It does make a little

bit of a buzz.

Yeah?

But most modern ships

these days, their engines,

they don't make a lot of noise,

but they do make

a little bit of noise.

Can we all just

agree on this?

Yeah.

DEE: Fine.

Fine, I can live with that.

Fine, I can live with it.

Fine.

Okay, all right.

(groans)

How long have we been

talking about this?

Four hours, six minutes.

(Frank whistles, groans)

Well, there's some pros

and some cons, guys.

Pro: We've cut our conflict

resolution time in half.

Four hours, that's good for us.

That's-that's huge,

that's huge.

Good work.

Con: Charlie's right,

the ship is probably not moving

because we definitely would've

been in the Bahamas by now.

What?

Yep.

Oh.

Well, that's not good, right?

I mean...

No. It's not good.

I mean, f-four hours?

Well...

The-the boat not moving!

No one comes down

to say anything like,

"Hey, guys, there's something

wrong with the ship!"

No, they've forgotten about us!

And we're gonna die in here!

Oh, my God, I'm freaking out.

We got to get out

of here. Help!

Whoa, whoa, Charlie, Charlie.

Calm down, Charlie.

Help!

Help us!

Charlie!

You got to help!

Hey! Hey!

Oi, oi, oi, oi,

oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!

Mm, yep, yep, yep. Mm.

Wow.

Yeah?

Yep.

Oi, oi, oi.

What-what was that, dude?

You sound like

a soccer hooligan.

Uh, yeah, that's just something

I've been doing

with Charlie lately

when he gets a little wound up.

You know, it seems to work.

Say yup, yup, yup.

FRANK:

Oh, that's good.

The most important thing

for us to do now

is to keep our wits together.

We got to occupy ourselves.

Mm-hmm.

Why don't we play a few games?

No, no! I just wanted to

get away from you guys,

just for a few days.

Now we're stuck in a box,

and you're gonna play

some games now?

You know what? I'm out.

What?

What the hell

do you mean you're out?

I'm out.

Nobody talk to me.

MAC:

No, Dee.

That's not a very good idea.

You know, when my dad was

in solitary confinement,

I used to write to him

every day to see how it was.

He never wrote back, but if

he did, he would've said,

"Son, you've got to keep

your mind active.

Also, I love you."

DENNIS: Uh, are you

sure he wouldn't say,

"Remind me who

you are again"?

Ho!

(laughing)

That was great!

That was Luther!

My-my-my dad

knows who I am.

Yeah-yeah.

Hey-hey, do the voice

again, but this time say,

"I love you, son."

Nah.

Oh.

But, no, that's

a good distraction,

like, um, you know,

like any kind of impressions

you got, like any kind of...

You want to hear me do

a couple of impressions?

That'd be fun. Yeah,

okay, so let's see.

All right, so let me know

which ones you want to hear.

I'm sorry, Dee, I thought

you were sitting out.

Well, I was out, but then

these guys wanted to hear

some impressions, and since I'm

always wanting to be of service,

here I am, uh...

They don't want to

hear your impressions.

They want to hear

my impressions.

No.

Your impressions

are terrible.

Are you out of your mind?

No.

My impressions are fantastic.

Give me somebody.

Anybody.

Do Obama.

Obama?

Well, I can't do that.

Why not?

Yeah.

DENNIS: Why can't you do Obama?

'Cause he's a black man

and I'm a white woman.

Can you give me a white woman?

You think I can't

do a black woman?

(laughs):

I mean...

No.

I... okay, give me, name one.

C.C.H. Pounder.

Who's that?

C.C.H. Poun...

Yeah. The actress

from The Shield.

Love that show.

Okay, yeah.

No, I can do that.

Yeah.

Let's see.

(imitating C.C.H. Pounder):

Goddamn it, Dutch!

What other errands do you

have us running for the D.A.?

BOTH: Wow!

FRANK:

Holy shit!

That was great!

That was spot-on!

Thanks, man.

"Spot-on"?

You don't even know

who she is, Frank.

I just assumed

she's a no-nonsense

black broad from the precinct.

DENNIS:

That's exactly who she is.

That's exactly who she is.

(all clamoring)

Fine, fine, fine.

I'll do Obama, okay?

Okay.

Okay, what do you got?

Hey, yo, what up, son?

What's up wit'

Congress bein' all

up in my ass

and shit, brother?

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, my God, Dee.

FRANK: That is bad!

What are you doing?

That was so racist.

Are you kidding me?!

CHARLIE:

Very racist!

Deandra, he is the president

of the United States.

That's our president.

DEE: Well, hold on a second.

Why was that racist,

but what he did was fine?

Because that's not what Obama

sounds like, Dee. That's why.

Uh... okay, well, you know,

I-I'm just warming up.

Let me, let me try again.

Um...

Hey, yo,

where my senators at, dawg?

Oh!

Oh!

Oi, oi, oi, oi!

Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!

Welcome to my first ever

dinner party.

I'm gonna have lots

of these types of functions

in the future, you know,

with my new lifestyle.

(chuckles)

Wow, you're really just diving

right into that, huh?

Just, stereotypes and all.

Guys, we are gonna have

an imaginary meal.

Mmm.

I read about this. Yes.

If you truly believe it,

then it will make you full.

That's true.

Okay.

Can I have a broad

with me with big tits?

No, because that's

gonna force us

to imagine things

that we don't want to imagine.

Ah, good point.

So get rid of my dog?

Yeah, no dogs.

Go! Go!

Hey, get out of here!

Don't kick it.

Get, get, get!

Kick it in the skull.

We do not allow dogs

in our house, right, Dennis?

Don't kick the dog.

Wh...? Our house?

Wh-Why's it our house?

Okay, let's get started.

Let me... let me set

the scene: the food.

The menu. Okay, all right.

Ooh, yeah, start with the...

Yeah, yeah,

let's get to it.

Okay, all right, here we go.

Paint a nice picture for us,

all right? I'm starving, man.

All right, now

you're gonna start

with, like, a big

hunk of chicken.

You know, like, boiled and

skinless, or-or whatever.

CHARLIE: Huh.

Ugh.

DENNIS: Okay.

And then, um, you're gonna want

brown with the white, right?

So, like, maybe, like, um,

some, like, brown rice.

No... no butter

or-or seasoning or...

Really?

I want mashed potatoes.

No, no mashed potatoes;

that's just empty carbs.

Why can't we just imagine

whatever we want?

Because this is

my dinner party.

Well, then take us there!

Yeah!

All right! All right, okay.

Everybody's got

something to drink.

Is it a milkshake?

No!

No, not milkshakes.

Gatorade.

And it's gonna be

my favorite flavor: blue.

"Blue" is not a flavor.

How am I gonna taste blue?

Well, just imagine

what blue tastes like.

It does... It just

tastes like blue.

Let's just dig in.

Yeah, can we eat?

CHARLIE:

Yeah, can we eat?

All right.

Yes.

♪ ♪

FRANK:

All right.

Mine's kind of tough.

D-Did you overcook this?

No, I didn't

cook it at all.

Y-You... (spits)

Spit it out! It's raw!

You're gonna get sick!

Spit it out, man,

spit it out!

No, no, don't spit it out!

What are you guys doing?

You don't need to spit it out.

For the love of God.

Look, just imagine

that it tastes good, okay?

Look at Dennis, see?

Oh, I'm not...

I'm not imagining your meal.

No, I'm imagining

a lovely coq au vin.

Braised with lardons

and mushrooms.

I want that!

Yeah.

Well, then have it--

it's right in front of you.

As is your buxom date, Frank.

Ah, come here, baby.

Oh, hey!

She got her foot

in my raw chicken!

Get your hooker's foot

out of my chicken, man!

No, no, no, no.

No dates, no coq au vin,

no hookers.

Get it out of my chicken!

Stop ruining this!

I'm not ruining it.

(imitates buzzing)

What the hell is that?!

Oh, this? It's the sound

of my blender

cranking milkshakes.

Anybody want one?

(resumes buzzing)

Shit, I'll take

a milkshake. Yeah.

I'll have a

milkshake-- that sounds good.

FRANK: I'll take one.

That is not what

blenders sound like, Dee.

No! Don't leave my table! Crash!

Hey!

What are you doing?

I'm flipping the table!

Smash! Crash!

Oh!

Now I'm breaking a plate!

Boom! Smash!

Oh, man.

DENNIS:

What the hell, dude?!

Oh, that was really

uncalled for.

That's nice.

Nothing is working,

all right?

You know what,

I want you guys to just...

Everybody just be quiet.

Why don't we just try

not talking for a while?

I'm fine with that.

Yeah.

Well, that'll be

the first time ever.

(ship creaking)

(coin clinks)

(sniffs)

(coin clinks)

(grunts)

(groans)

(coin clinks,

hands smack rhythmically)

Shh!

Of course.

(coin clinking,

hands smacking rhythmically)

(Frank grunting to rhythm)

Yeah.

(rhythmic noises continue)

Okay.

MAC:

Okay.

MAC:

Okay.

ALL:

Ha!

(chuckles)

Well, that was lame.

So stupid.

So stu...

I hated that show, Stomp.

Ugh, I hate rhythm.

H-H-Hang on. Hang on.

D-Dee, what was that?

Well, I-I thought

we were all doing,

like, a Stomp thing

or something.

That-that bench,

you opened that bench.

What's inside there?

Oh.

That opens?

Yes.

Maybe there's

food in there.

Is there food in there?

Uh, no, just...

Just this water gun.

That's not a water gun,

man, that's a flare gun,

which I'll hold onto

for safekeeping.

Uh...

Why?

Well, because I'm the

most responsible person.

Uh, guys, guys, I-I don't think

any of us should have a gun.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, one of us does, so...

the end.

Charlie, Charlie,

let me have the gun.

Back up, Frank.

Don't come close to me.

Whoa, Cha...

Charlie, calm down.

"Calm down, Charlie"?

We're trapped

on a sinking ship, okay?

We're gonna die in here.

I don't know what you guys

are capable of.

I will hold the gun,

thank you very much.

Wait a second, Charlie, the...

the boat's not sinking, okay?

It's-it's just stopped.

Right. Right, it's okay.

Everything's gonna

be all right

as long as everybody

remains calm.

What the hell is that?

(loud rumbling)

(groaning)

DEE: Oh, my God!

What's going on?

Wh-What was that?

Oh, this is bad.

This is really bad.

All right.

Let's think.

If the room's on its side,

does that mean the boat's

on its side? Or...

Yeah, that's what it means!

What are you talking about?!

I don't know how boats

this big work. All right.

(all yelling for help)

Help us!

This is bad!

This is very bad!

All right, we got to get up

there and try that door again.

Maybe that lodged

something loose.

Get up there? How are

we supposed to reach?

Oh! What about

a human pyramid?

Yes. Yes, Mac, a

human pyramid.

All right, you and I

will be the bottoms.

Why? 'Cause I'm gay?

(sighs) No, not because

you're gay, dumb-ass!

Because we're the strongest.

Goddamn it.

All right, and,

Frank, Charlie,

you'll be on us.

And, Dee, you'll be

on the very top.

DEE: Okay.

Okay, I'll be a bottom now,

but in real life, just to

be clear, I'm gonna be a top.

Okay, fine, when you're having

gay sex, you can be on the top.

But for now we're

on the bottom.

Damn it, the

door is locked!

We're done for! We're

gonna die in here!

DENNIS:

Hey, Frank.

Frank, get yourself together!

We're gonna

die in here!

Stop losing your shit!

All right, relax!

Nobody's dying!

DEE: That's right.

Just listen to Charlie;

he seems to have

his head straight.

Calm down.

'Cause we're already dead.

Come again?

I figured it out.

We're dead. We died.

And I don't know

when it happened.

It might have... might have

happened on the cruise ship.

It might have happened on

the drive to the cruise ship.

You were going

awful fast, Dennis.

(ship creaking)

I don't know.

Maybe it happened

weeks ago in the bar,

in some sort of colossal and

awesome event, I would imagine,

but we're dead,

and we're in hell.

We're just being

toyed with here.

Or-or m-maybe we're not

in hell yet.

You know,

maybe this is purgatory,

and we're on our way

to be judged.

And soon, oh, boy.

(chuckles)

Yeah, soon,

we'll really be in hell.

Won't that be something.

Charlie, calm down.

It's-it's gonna be fine, okay?

We can't be freaking out

every five minutes.

Now, look, if we work together,

everything's gonna be fine.

We're gonna get out of here.

Nah, we're already dead.

I'll prove it.

(gun cocks)

(echoing):

No!

(groans)

I think he's coming to.

CHARLIE:

Oh, shit, that hurt.

FRANK: Oh, easy.

(Charlie groans)

Well, I guess that

means we're alive, huh?

Yeah, guess we are.

Guess we are, Charlie.

Good, well, then maybe

everything's gonna be okay.

Pal, we're in

deep shit here.

Oh, shit!

Take it easy.

Okay, take it easy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Take it easy.

It's not good. It's not good.

Oh.

DEE:

As long as, um,

we're not gonna

get out of here--

and it looks like that's

sort of where this is headed--

is it okay if I just

confess something,

get it off my chest

before we die?

That's a good idea.

We shouldn't die holding

things in about ourselves.

Go ahead, Dee.

Mac owns a Cowboys jersey.

I saw him wearing it

in the back office.

What?

Uh...

What?!

That's a secret, Dee!

What are you...

Don't say it's Romo.

Of course it's Romo!

Who else would it be?

Oh, my God!

(screaming)

MAC:

I'm sorry.

You don't think

he deserves to be MVP?!

You son of a bitch.

He's constantly overlooked!

You are a traitor!

How many Super Bowls

have the Birds won?

Oh, shut up!

Go Birds! (caws)

Oi, oi, oi!

Okay, you know what?

I've got something

I want to confess.

Charlie changes Frank's

prescription on his glasses

to keep Frank dependent on him.

Whoa! Why the hell

you blowin' up my spot, man?!

DENNIS: What?!

Uh, I'm sorry, Frank.

All right, fine.

Well, as long as

we're "tattling,"

uh, Dennis ripped

up all the letters

that your dad wrote

from prison,

so... you know.

(chuckles)

What?

My dad has been writing?

Dennis, is that true?

Yeah, man, but you were

just gonna be, like,

talking about it

all the time,

and then your dad was probably

gonna come to our house

and, like, try to kill

us or eat our butts.

You know? I'm trying to

protect you, dude! And me.

Does he still write?

Well, no, pal, 'cause

you never wrote him back.

(sighs)

But, hey, if it makes

you feel any better,

I-I read all

those letters,

and he never once said

that he loved you.

He just mostly wanted

you to send him,

like, pornographic magazines

and put drugs in your butthole.

(sighs)

I can't believe this. I...

I could've had

a relationship with my dad.

But you ruined it.

(scoffs)

Normally, I would

attack you, but...

I-I don't have any fight left.

DENNIS:

Wow.

Well, shit, man. I...

I... I hurt ya.

I can see that.

And, uh...

you know, it was... it was wrong

of me.

Oh, God, I'll tell you...

I see how much pain

you're in right now.

It's just...

(sniffles)

...it's tearing me up inside.

(sobbing)

Jesus, Dennis, you're crying.

(crying):

Well, yeah.

I mean, you've turned me

into a blubbering fool here,

because I've hurt...

not just my friend...

(sobs)

...but my brother.

I've hurt my brother.

Onion!

I just saw it!

Onion!

He's got an

onion there!

Aw, I knew it!

He's got an onion!

You are such an asshole.

I...

Now I gotta tell you!

I got a confession.

What is it, Frank?

I was at Chappaquiddick.

The girl, Teddy Kennedy,

the bridge, the car...

I played a major role.

Jesus, Frank,

we're not doing confessions.

We're doing tattling.

Keep up.

DENNIS: You know what?

That's all right, it's okay.

Guys, let's just...

let's stop

fighting, okay?

No more confessions,

no more tattling

on each other, all right?

Look, guys,

let's just try to enjoy

these last moments

we've got together.

Okay? Or these last hours.

Or, hell...

it could even be days.

God, we're gonna drown.

I'm too young

to drown!

We should die

thinking good thoughts.

Yeah.

For me,

that's Romo connecting

with Dez Bryant.

Oh, stop it!

You traitor!

You son of a bitch!

Shut your mouth!

Guys, guys, guys,

don't fight.

Don't fight, come on.

Oh, we're not

good people;

we can't even

die peacefully.

Yeah.

♪ Amazing grace ♪

♪ How sweet the sauce... ♪

Sauce?

♪ That made... ♪

It's not "sauce."

Look, you gotta

get the words right,

otherwise Jesus is gonna know

we're trying to trick him.

Jesus isn't gonna

listen to us.

He's just not,

'cause we're bad people.

But if he's gonna listen to

anybody, he might listen to Mac.

Mac, you've been talking

to him your whole life.

Mac...

He knows you!

He doesn't even know

who I am.

Save us! Mac, save us.

Guys, guys...

there is no God.

Oi!

Oi, oi, oi, oi,

oi, oi, oi, oi!

Oi, oi, oi,

oi, oi, oi!

Okay, okay, okay.

One last shot.

Uh, dear Heavenly Father...

Yeah.

...if you do exist,

and you are listening,

if you could find it

in your heart

to send us a miracle...

Just send us

one miracle, please.

One miracle.

Our goose is cooked!

I'm going down.

Highway to hell, baby!

Sis... I love you.

Whatever.

What?

Whatever?!

(scoffs) Whatever?

Unbelievable!

Ah, whatever.

I can't believe

nobody came to save us.

Should we do this?

Let's go be

with the gang.

All right.

♪ ♪

(tapping sounds)

(ship creaking)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

A-And then, uh, you know,

and then we all

got pulled up.

I mean, it was a miracle.

It was an actual miracle.

Yeah. Hey, I'm sorry,

can I stop...

Can you just move

that light a little bit?

It's really blasting

me right in my face.

Yeah, it's been

blasting us this whole time.

It's kind of blasting all of us.

Can you move the light, please?

DEE: Just a little bit?

Sorry about that.

Oh, wow!

CHARLIE:

So much better.

Should've said something

earlier.

Well, harrowing stuff,

but I think I got

everything I need.

Could you mark down

in your report,

uh, that I'm not gay?

Because I'm not.

What?

What do you mean,

you're not gay?

Since when?

He's gay.

Oh, well, because

God answered my prayers

and saved us.

That means that there is,

of course, a God,

and if there is a God,

then in his infinite wisdom,

there's no way

he would have made me queer.

DEE: Oh.

MAC: So I'm-I'm straight.

All righty.

Okay.

Look, look...

are we gonna get in trouble

because of this accident?

Uh, nope, you're good to go.

I just needed your report

for my insurance claim.

Insurance claim?

Y-You're not a cop?

Cop?

No, I'm an insurance adjustor.

I'm just collecting reports

of people's experiences

for insurance purposes.

Oh.

Whew.

I'm so relieved.

So, so... are we

gonna get a payout?

Well, you might have,

had you not just

admitted to breaking...

several laws.

What?

Right, well...

hang on, though.

I mean, we got

trapped in a room...

Yeah.

...by a drunk captain

who sunk the ship.

We almost died, man.

Yeah, man.

Yeah.

No, no, it wasn't the

captain's fault. He was sober.

Well, what happened?

Whose fault was it?

Nobody's fault.

The ship just hit a massive wave

during the storm.

In the insurance biz,

that is what we call

"an act of God."

Well, God is great.

♪ Oh, blessed is he

that loves the Lord ♪

♪ Trust in Jesus

and he'll restore ♪

♪ Well, when you're low

and hard to bear ♪

♪ Jesus will answer prayer ♪

♪ Oh, Jesus ♪

♪ Jesus will answer prayer ♪

♪ Oh, Jesus ♪

♪ Jesus will answer prayer ♪

♪ Well, I know

he'll take away your burdens ♪

♪ And he'll take away

all your cares ♪

♪ Oh, blessed be

the name of Jesus Christ ♪

♪ He hung up there on the cross

and died ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

(trumpet plays off-key fanfare)

Brown.

Captioned by

Media Access Group at WGBH