Original subtitles

CHARLIE: First of all,

I'd like to say I-I personally

didn't think any of us

would be standing

in front of you

here today.

No, no, I mean...

Shit, no.

I thought we were

going straight to hell.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Right, well...

But that being said--

I mean, we're good people.

Oh, yeah.

I did what I did.

You don't like it,

you can kiss my ass.

Oh, oh.

Easy, easy.

Hey, could we be judged

individually?

'Cause I don't want

to be lumped in with him.

Look, I know

you're gonna judge us.

But before that

cruise ship went down,

we prayed. Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yes. Yeah.

I mean, like, sure, we've

done some bad things,

you know, but-but we've

changed, I promise.

I'm gonna

walk you through how.

Mm-hmm.

So please just reserve

your judgment, okay?

Because once we're finished,

I'm sure you will

judge us accordingly.

Mm-hmm.

(chuckles softly)

Goddamn, this ship

is the tits!

Frank, Frank, watch

your language. You know?

This is a Christian

cruise.

Yeah, and I got to say, winning

raffles, going on cruises--

I like this new church

of yours, Mac.

I think you found

the right one.

Yeah.

Oh, I didn't find

them. They found me.

Ah.

And it's all, of course,

a part of God's plan.

It's also a part

of God's plan

that we all get closer

to him through fellowship.

Hey, Mac, is God

gonna be able to protect

against the ship sinking?

God protects all things,

Charlie. He is an awesome god.

The only way this ship is gonna

sink is if the captain's drunk.

Guys, we don't have to worry

about drunk captains,

'cause this is the

dry cruise, remember?

Yeah.

Yeah, I do.

And about that, um,

where exactly does God stand

on that dry thing?

Is that a hard, fast rule or

is there some wiggle room?

Look, this cruise is an

opportunity for us to get away

from the sins of everyday life.

That being said,

we will each have to have a half

a cap of mouthwash every day.

You know, just to stave off

the shakes.

Smart, smart.

Don't want to get sick.

Yeah.

Oh, thank God.

Okay, guys, I am gonna head up

to Bible study right now.

Oh.

Oh, right now.

Uh, this is our suite. Yeah, you

guys can check in or whatever.

But the... Do you want

to meet me there?

Do we?

Yeah, yeah,

we'll, we'll...

We got to...

set our bags down

and then, uh...

Yeah, we... I have to

unpack, I always do.

All right. Peace

be with you.

All right.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...

You're supposed to say,

"And also with you."

Why is that?

Would you say...

I'm not gonna say that.

Uh, you know what,

I'll say it,

if it's gonna help you

get out of here

and go to your Bible study.

But I'm not gonna mean it.

Oh, you don't have to mean it.

Yeah, you just have to say it.

Okay. And also with you. Bye.

Guys, this is gonna be

the best cruise ever.

And also with you.

Yeah.

I'm not saying it.

Take care.

I'm not saying that.

Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh.

You don't have to mean it.

Mmm.

Yeah.

Oh, shit.

(rumbling growl)

Yeah.

I needed that.

Man, and the beer calms

my nerves, too, you know

what I mean? I feel like I could

drink that whole suitcase.

Oh, God,

me, too. But let's not, okay?

'Cause this is the only

alcohol on the entire ship.

Ooh, yeah.

Yeah. All right, okay.

That'd be bad.

But it's time to suit up now,

so we can get

into some nonsense.

What do mean, suit up?

Did you bring costumes?

Yeah. Yeah.

I'm gonna be the captain.

Charlie's gonna

be the first mate.

No, no, no, I-I'm putting

a stop to this right now.

No costumes, no high jinks.

Okay? Can we just... Guys,

can we take a vacation

from our usual bullshit?

You know, I'm not saying

we got to do the God stuff,

but let's not--

let's not do a bunch

of anti-God stuff either, okay?

So don't be gluttonous.

Okay? You--

no wrath.

No lust for me. You know,

which is gonna be difficult,

given the implications

of being on a boat.

All right, well, I'm taking

a vacation from you guys, okay?

I'm tired

of getting shit on.

All right.

That's what I'm talking about,

Dee. Nobody's gonna shit on you.

Nobody's gonna call you a bird.

I agree. But first,

I got to take the cross off

Oh, yeah.

that Mac gave us. This thing

is burning me to shit.

Yeah, yeah.

There. Look at that.

Oh!

DENNIS: Oh.

DEE:

Oh! Goddamn, Frank.

Oh, my God.

You might actually

be the devil.

Jesus, I'm gonna

take mine off, too.

I could be Satan.

(laughs)

Screw God!

(thunderous horn blows)

Whoa, whoa, what-what was that?

Did-did God do that?

No, no, no.

Don't go crazy on the

God stuff, all right?

That being said, the timing

of that big boat noise was...

pretty suspect, so, Frank,

maybe don't push his buttons?

Yeah.

I get that.

Yeah.

All right, I'll leave him alone.

Hey, Mac.

We are about ready to get

started. You feeling okay?

Yeah, David. It's good.

I-I just, uh,

was waiting on my friends.

They said they were gonna be

here and they're not here yet.

I should have taken on

a missionary position with them.

You know?

They need salvation.

Especially my one

friend, Frank.

I even started putting

battery acid on the back

of his cross necklace

to burn through his skin.

Why?

Oh, to subtly send the message

that he might be a demon.

Oh, well, yikes.

Uh, listen, when your friends

are ready, they'll come.

Right, yeah. You know, we

should just get started.

Scott, you ready to go?

Yup, yup.

All right,

everybody, why don't

we gather around.

Why don't we, uh...

Well, let's just...

We'll sing through it once

and we'll get it on its feet.

(upbeat tune playing)

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

guys...

what's that song?

I-I'm not familiar

with that hymn.

Uh, the song's "Sit Down,

You're Rockin' the Boat"

from Guys and Dolls.

It's for the talent show.

We do it every year

on this cruise.

It's fun.

Fun? No, no, the songs

aren't supposed to be fun,

they're supposed to

be bleak and dreary,

so we can focus on

how bad we are.

Yeah. We need to

punish our ears

to pay for the original

sin of being born.

Mac, look, uh, I know

it can be difficult

transitioning into a new church.

All we ask is that

you try to keep an open mind.

Okay, I... Maybe

I can do that.

I... But, guys, I can

almost guarantee you

that I'm not gonna like this.

♪ Said to myself sit down ♪

♪ Sit down,

you're rockin' the boat ♪

♪ And the devil

will drag you under ♪

♪ With a soul so heavy

you wouldn't float ♪

♪ Sit down, sit down, sit down,

sit down, sit down ♪

♪ You're rockin' the boat! ♪

Yes!

Yes!

Yes! Yes!

I feel like I've been waiting

for this my entire life.

Good.

We're glad you had fun.

Yes, yeah.

I'm ready to go again.

Well, you've already gone twice.

We're sort of

taking turns...

We're gonna go

from the top. Five,

six, seven, eight...

These winter coats

were a good idea-- it is chilly.

Yeah.

Come in handy.

You don't want...

They're cranking

the air conditioning.

Yeah, you don't

want to be sick on a boat.

Whoa, look at this place.

I think we died

and went to heaven, Frank.

Oh. Dude.

I thought you said they

didn't have alcohol.

Look, they-they

got screwdrivers.

Oh, no, Charlie.

That's just orange juice.

There's no alcohol.

Just orange juice,

like the mixer?

Yeah.

Yeah, people drink it.

People drink it. Yeah.

That's crazy to me.

When was the last time

you drank straight mixer?

Oh, I had a diet cola mixer

a while ago.

Oh, did you?

(burps)

Was it any good?

Yeah, oh, yeah.

Whoa. (sniffs)

What?

Dude.

You drinking a beer

right now?

What? Get out of town.

You can lie, but that burp

told me the whole story.

You holding?

What you got?

You smell the beer?

You holding beer?

Come on, man.

Bingo!

(laughs)

MAN:

Excuse me.

You can't have alcohol

on the ship.

Oh, this, uh,

this is an empty.

That-that was

an empty can.

A pelican dropped

it and we...

Yeah, we picked it up.

Yeah, it was, like...

Do you have

any more on you, sir?

No, not a bit.

Yeah.

What's going on here?

Uh, uh, Captain.

Do you have any more

alcohol on you?

Uh, not a bit.

If you'll excuse me. Yup.

Whoa!

What the hell

is that, Frank?

Well, I don't want

to run back and forth

to the cabin all the time,

it's so far away.

Son of a bitch!

And you--

you have any beer on you?

Aah!

Charlie, you lied to me.

Uh, well, you

lied first, man!

Is that the rest of it?

Yeah, that's

all of it.

We have to confiscate

all these beers from you.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah,

yeah, got it.

DEE:

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

No, no, no, no.

That's my seat, bitch.

Excuse me.

Sorry. Got a little worked up.

Uh, not quite

in vacation mode yet.

Let me try again.

Um, please get your shit

off my seat.

I don't see your magazine

or towel on it,

and I got here first,

so I don't feel like

it's really your seat.

I'm sitting with you.

Thought you were taking

a vacation from us.

Yeah, I was trying,

but this is the only seat open,

so can you try not

to shit on me

for, like, the next hour

or so, please?

I'm trying to relax.

Dee, relax.

I'm not gonna shit on you.

Okay? Nobody's

shitting on you.

How's it going

with the wrath thing?

You, uh, staying

away from that?

Well, yeah, you know,

I was trying,

but there are certain

"see you next Tuesdays"

on this ship that are making it

very difficult.

Well, yeah, I

feel you. I'm...

I'm already struggling

with the lust thing.

See this, uh,

flaxen-haired seductress

across the pool over here?

Dennis, she looks like

she's 12 years old.

No, she's of age.

I checked.

Well, she's gallivanting

around, you know,

flaunting it for me,

and she knows how easy

it would be for me

to have her, too,

because of the

implication.

Not that you

would understand.

It's not what

you think it is.

No, I think I get it. We're out

in the middle of the ocean.

She's stuck on a boat.

She couldn't possibly say no,

'cause something might go wrong

for her if she did.

That's... that's

exactly what it is.

How did you get

that so fast?

It's like

when I'm alone with a guy,

and we're messing around, and he

gets all skittish about banging.

So then I insinuate

that it would be a shame

if my account of what happened

was different from his

and then he ended up getting

a call from the sheriff.

You know what I mean?

And then, boom. We plow.

Okay. Yeah. No,

I-I think I get it.

Yeah, right?

Right, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

(gasps)

Oh, my God!

Oh, a bird shit on me!

Oh.

A bird shit in my mouth!

A bird shit inside

of my mouth!

(muttering gibberish)

I'm literally getting shit on.

I'm literally

getting shit on!

Hit it! Hit it!

Hit it!

Whoa!

Oh, yeah!

Hey.

Hey, fellowship

was fun.

Yeah, see?

It doesn't have to be all dour

and penitent to praise God.

Is it my turn?

Absolutely.

Step up.

Okay.

Aah! No!

I failed!

It's okay.

I failed.

I failed you.

Nah.

No.

I failed God.

All right, get me good.

Whoa.

Hello.

What is...?

I brought

my cat-o'-nine-tails.

Yeah.

You know, so, flagellate me.

Three-three lashes for missing.

Why would you want me

to do that?

So I could be

a better boy.

Mac, it isn't a sin to miss,

okay? That's...

We don't punish ourselves

for that.

You don't punish yourselves?

Then how do you become

closer to God?

By just appreciating the game

and the wonderful day.

Well, sure, yeah,

it's a wonderful day now,

but look at that storm coming.

(thunderclap)

That's impending doom

right there.

He-he probably sent that storm

because I keep failing him.

Look, just relax, try it again,

and this time, hey, no guilt.

No guilt?

Okay.

Oh, my.

Yes!

I did it! I did it!

All right.

In your face!

I beat your asses.

(thunder rumbles)

Whoa. Gay. Gay.

Gay, gay, gay, gay.

What are you doing?

Why are you two kissing?

Uh, because he's my husband,

and we love each other.

What's going on?

What-what about God?

You-you heard him.

He clapped and said, "No! Boom!"

You think thunder

is God clapping?

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

(thunder rumbling)

FRANK:

You think there's gonna be

anybody here with talent?

I mean,

this is a Christian cruise.

This is gonna be boring as shit.

I'm anticipating

a boring show.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, there she is.

Hmm.

Sitting by me

again, huh?

Shut up.

I need something to wash the

bird shit taste out of my mouth.

Oh, yeah.

I saw you guys.

Where are the beers?

In the captain's stomach.

Yeah.

CHARLIE:

Yeah, it's, uh...

We kind of got, like,

you know, caught with them.

All of them?

Yup.

Pretty much, yeah.

I knew you couldn't stop

from being gluttonous.

Oh, you guys.

Uh, all right, fine...

It was a mistake, man.

Give me the mouthwash.

I need the mouthwash then.

That's gone, too.

I kind of drank...

all of it.

Charlie drank it.

He needed to calm down.

You serious?

Goddamn it!

(thunder rumbles)

It doesn't do... Oh.

(electrical buzzing)

Whoa. Whoa. See. Oh!

See, I don't like

the storm, man.

The storm's starting to freak

me out. You know what I mean?

Yeah, WTF?

Yes, yes, the storm

is intensifying.

And yet I remain calm

in spite of the fact that this

one here is

dressed like this.

Uh...

That's just crazy.

Yeah, it is weird.

This girl in the sweater?

He's been doing it all day.

You think that's...?

Can you just...

can you just drop it?

Well, I would if she wouldn't

always be sitting in my eyeline.

Then again, that

is what she does.

She wants me

looking at her at all times.

She's driving me nuts,

I'll tell you.

Maybe I'll send her

a drink or something.

A virgin daiquiri

for the virgin?

MAC: Guys, guys, guys, guys,

guys, guys, guys, guys, I've got

news, I've got terrible news.

Oh, see this is exactly

what I wanted a vacation from.

CHARLIE: Of course you do.

There are two guys

in this church...

DENNIS:

Yeah.

...that are gay.

Who's the other guy?

(laughter)

I don't get the joke.

(overlapping chatter)

What's wrong with

that? So what?

Well, guys,

being gay is not Christian.

(electrical buzzing)

DENNIS:

Oh!

Oh, see? That's...

that's freaking me out.

That's the big man!

That's the big man.

I don't know what it is,

but I don't like it.

Let's go find our beer, man.

We're gonna go snoop around,

see if we can find our beer.

Let's look for some alcohol.

Recover that beer

and bring some back.

Yeah. Don't take 'em all.

And why is...?

MAN:

Ladies and gents,

it's talent show time.

Please welcome

Marlene, the magician.

That's the bitch

who stole my chair!

Magic? The dark arts?

Are you guys serious?

First the queers.

Then sorcery?

This cruise is going

straight to hell.

Okay.

I'm out of here!

All right. See ya.

Peace be with you.

We're not saying that other bit.

No.

Aah!

For my first trick tonight,

I'm going to need a volunteer.

Hmm. Hey, you, bird girl.

Come on up.

Can you believe

this bitch?

(laughs)

Go. Go up.

I don't...

Bird girl.

Yes, we call her bird.

We also call her a bird.

(thunderclaps)

Oh, baby. See? These costumes

are a great idea, Frank.

(laughs)

So we can go anywhere

we want on the ship now.

Anywhere we want.

And nobody's gonna know.

That's not exactly the first

mate's costume I had in mind.

Hey, man, you said

"first mate."

That's gonna do.

I was, like, Gilligan.

That's the only guy I know.

Yeah, no.

It's good. It's good.

All right,

so what do you think?

We find the captain's quarters,

kick down the door,

find our beer.

Oh, no.

Strangle the guy

or something.

Oh, no, no.

That beer? That beer

is long gone.

No, we don't want

to do that.

Drank it, huh?

Oh, the party is

right down here.

And right down here

below deck.

This is the party?

That's right. This is it.

I don't hear anything.

All I see is a bunch of pipes.

How is this a party?

The pipes are the party.

The pipes are the party?

Yeah.

What are you talking about?

Well, all the booze

we're ever gonna need is

running through these pipes.

So, what? Wait, wait. We're just

gonna drink straight boat fuel?

No. We're gonna cut it.

With what?

Mixers.

Hmm?

Mmm.

(chuckles)

Oh, good. Yeah,

you got one of those.

(clang)

Lord, hear my prayer!

The only reason I went to

this church in the first place

was to become closer to you!

Well, that and the other church

was getting super Vietnamese.

I just need to know my purpose!

I-I used to think it was worship

and then song and dance!

I got to be honest,

I've really taken to it,

and I think musicals

are gonna become

a huge part of my life

moving forward!

But now

with these gay Christians,

I don't know!

I need you to show me a sign

to tell me my purpose here!

Maybe some lightning!

Maybe some thunder?

No?

Should I have stuck

with the Vietnamese?

Is this your card?

(applause)

DEE:

Can I...

can I have the deck, please?

I-I got a trick that'll blow

you guys out of the water.

Wait, I'm confused. Is that a

challenge or a terrorist threat

to the ship?

(laughs)

(rimshot)

(Dee laughs

mockingly)

Give me the goddamn deck.

By all means.

Pick a card, any card.

Hmm...

Now take a good look

at that card, please.

You might want to bring

it a little bit closer,

just so you can see it well.

A little bit closer. Great.

Now, tell me, what

suit is your card?

Spades.

Spades. Ooh. All right.

Now watch while I turn

these spades into stars.

Oh!

(gasping)

DEE:

Oh, shit!

Who's getting shit on now,

bitch?

MARLENE:

What is wrong with you?

You knocked out my tooth!

(booing)

Did I? That wasn't the plan.

I didn't mean to-- I-I'm sorry.

I didn't mean

to do that.

Get off the

stage, bird girl!

She stole my chair at the pool,

and I got so hot about it.

Hey, hey. What?

No, no, no, no, no!

Yeah!

What? No. Aw, no, come on!

Well, what is this, boat jail?

I'm not

a goddamn Somali pirate, okay?

No, wait, wait! Ah...

Goddamn it.

MAN (over radio):

...thunderstorms, capable

of producing gale-force winds...

The storm's worsening,

Captain. What should we do?

FRANK:

Fire the torpedoes!

What?

Full steam ahead!

Christ, not you again!

CHARLIE:

Frank, I think I found

where he's hiding the beer!

What do you got, Charlie?

No, no, it's just, like,

wires and stuff. Yeah.

Oh, yeah?

Put these men

in the brig.

Charlie.

Ah, get your hands off...

Wait, wait.

I'll dispose of those.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I know where...

No, no,

don't let him drink that!

Don't let him drink

our torpedo juice!

(sighs)

Dee?

What'd you get

thrown in for?

I couldn't control my wrath.

You?

Yeah.

Gluttony.

Yeah.

Been drinking boat fuel

and shit.

Oh, sure.

Sure.

Yeah.

Oh... hello.

(thunder rumbles)

Wow. I'm sorry.

Didn't mean to scare you there.

Anyway, I, um... I should have

introduced myself earlier.

I'm the daiquiri man,

but I suspect you already knew

that, didn't you?

(chuckles softly)

Was it good? Was it sweet?

I guess.

Well, it either was

or it wasn't.

Yeah.

Yeah. Of course.

Yeah. No, I had one, too.

It was... it was sweet.

You seem sweet.

I've been watching you

and following you, of sorts.

You know, in a good way.

So how'd you like

that magic show?

Do you enjoy magic?

You know, I-I can

do magic. Whoop.

Uh, how did you get that?

Get your license?

Don't worry about it.

1996, though. That's good.

That makes the cutoff.

There you go. I

wasn't gonna steal it.

(clears throat)

Um...

So, how about this storm, huh?

I think it's kind

of cool, you know?

Here we are on a boat, you know,

out in the middle of...

out in the middle of nowhere,

and nobody would ever hear

our screams in this wind,

you know.

Oh.

(chuckles)

The thunder's really... It's

throwing this whole thing off.

It's making everything

I say seem sinister,

which it's not intended to

be, you know what I mean?

What's up?

I-I'm sorry. I have to go.

No, no, no, no,

no. No. Sorry, no.

It's... There's nowhere to go.

(chuckles)

There's really nowhere to go.

You know? So...

why don't I, uh,

come in your room?

(chuckles)

"Come in your room."

That's not what I meant.

I would like to go in your room.

Um, and I suspect that maybe...

you might say no, and yet...

I also feel

like maybe...

you wouldn't dare.

(screams)

Well, that's not supposed

to happen.

Guys, come on, come on!

It was a misunderstanding!

The storm made it seem

way worse than it is.

She was never

in any danger.

Lust?

Yeah.

Oh, my God, Mac.

You're soaking wet.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

I was out in the rain

looking for a sign from God.

I never got the timing right,

but doesn't matter.

The point is,

I thought I was here

for you guys to open my mind.

But now I realized

I'm here to close yours!

I'm sorry, what?

Guys, I'm here to convert you.

From being gay.

You want to convert us?

Yeah!

You realize

how insulting that is?

How would you like it

if I tried to convert you?

Uh... I wouldn't care.

'Cause that's, like, impossible.

There's no way you guys could

convert me to your lifestyle.

Let's give it a shot.

Well...

I'm gay.

Yeah.

No shit.

Oh, you guys knew this already?

That you were gay?

From the day we met.

Oh, my God, I've been trying...

Yeah, always.

Whoa, really?

But what's going on?

Did you just get tossed in here?

Or, like, why are you in here?

Oh, no, I just walked in

on my own.

What?!

You let the

door close behind you?!

I couldn't find you guys.

I wanted to hang out.

I had something

important to tell you.

What is it?

There is no God.

Well, what?!

What is

happening right now?

Why, where are you

getting this from?

Yeah, why...

I was like...

(sighs) Okay.

If there was a God,

there's no way

that he would make me queer,

right?

I can't, I can't

listen to this anymore.

I got to get out of here.

I can't be around you.

I've got to get

out of here!

Got to get out of here!

What are you squawking about?

Let me out of here!

Honestly,

what's the point anyway?

There's no meaning to any of it.

There's no God,

there's no heaven,

there's no hell.

Wrong!

Oh, I just wanted

a couple of days.

Just a couple of days

away from you guys.

But I can't escape you!

You know where hell is, Mac?

You know where hell is?

It's right here.

It's right now.

We are in hell!

(yells)

Oh, Jesus.

(horn blaring)

What the shit was that?

(trumpet plays off-key fanfare)

Brown.

Captioned by

Media Access Group at WGBH