Original subtitles

DENNIS: Okay, gather round,

everybody, gather round.

Gather round, please.

Yeah, I-I have

a, uh, a presentation.

Now, because of everyone's

A.D.D., I know I'm gonna

lose your attention in

about three minutes,

and, uh, Frank's

gonna fall asleep.

FRANK: No way.

I slept 26 hours

last night.

You still seem very sleepy.

Can I start my presentation?

Where's the easel?

No, no, I'm not using an

easel-- don't interrupt.

You want me to go get the

projector?

No, I don't want

the projector.

And I don't want the easel.

What are you gonna point with?

Don't want whatever the

hell you're gonna say.

'Cause it's all gonna be old

and outdated, all right?

Let me start my presentation,

which is actually about that.

It's about innovation.

Not taking questions.

Goddamn.

Let me do my thing, okay?

Stop interrupting.

Okay, so, um, as we all know,

um, tomorrow is St. Paddy's Day,

traditionally our

most profitable day.

However, recently, profits

have been declining.

Every year.

And we need to change.

We need innovation.

We need to move Paddy's

from the past and into...

the future,

a mobile Paddy wagon.

Now, these days, people like

to have things on demand.

So instead of having

to go to a bar,

we will bring the bar to you.

Ooh, is that, like, a car

service type of thing?

Where we pick people up and

take 'em around from bar to bar

and jack up the prices?

That's actually

a really good idea.

Uh, no.

The Paddy's wagon

is the bar.

MAC: No, Dennis.

If we want to make money,

we need to honor ancient

Irish traditions,

like serving an irresponsible

amount of booze to people

who are genetically predisposed

to having alcohol problems.

CHARLIE: Right.

MAC: You see,

St. Patrick started

that tradition,

and that's why we

celebrate him today.

Yeah... No, that's

not what he did.

No, he-he played

the flute for some kids,

and then he lured them

into a cave somewhere,

and he diddled them.

FRANK: Nah.

You got him mixed up

with the Pied Piper.

Right.

FRANK: St. Patrick didn't

play the flute.

He drove the kids

out of Ireland.

And then he molested 'em.

No, no, if-if St. Patrick

molested kids,

he would be regarded

as a scoundrel.

No, no, no.

I feel like, in the olden days

of the Catholic Church,

pedophiles were

regarded as heroes.

All right, all right,

look, g-guys, uh,

St. Patrick didn't do

any of that shit, okay?

He drove the snakes

out of Ireland.

Uh, I-I don't know

about all this.

I kind of want to just do

the traditional thing

of, like, sticking

around the bar

and-and trying to catch

the leprechaun.

No, no!

No, we don't want to do

the leprechaun thing again.

Stop, stop, guys...

I'm gonna catch one.

I'm, like, this close.

You're not gonna catch him

because he doesn't exist.

Guys, please, just, plea...

Dude, you know what...

I don't even know

if I've set up

my glue traps for him yet.

Charlie, enough

with the leprechaun!

I mean, can you believe him?

Okay, wait.

Who cares?

Look, I'm trying to...

You know what,

actually-- I might

want to get myself a flute.

I was thinking the same thing.

We've been talking... you were?

Yeah, because I-I feel like

it's a really fun...

DEE: I know we're

kind of old, but...

You're gonna go get a flute?

Go get a flute, yeah.

Go get... go get a flute!

Everybody go get a flute!

DEE: ...in the sixth grade,

I feel like it's kind of simple.

Frank, look...

All right, let me

explain it to you, at least.

(snoring)

No, he's gone.

Okay.

So, Frank... here's the plan.

We're gonna fill the wagon

with hip, attractive clientele.

We're gonna use my streamlined

system to process drink orders.

We're gonna take photographs

with a retro filter

for the Web site.

And that will entice

future end users

to comment

and spread brand awareness

over various

social media platforms.

That seems insanely complicated.

Why don't we just take cash?

No, no, no, no. What I'm talking

about's way simpler than cash.

It's-it's streamlined.

I'm lost.

It's... I'm trying

to explain it to you

and I feel like

you're not even listening.

I-I...

(Irish brogue):

Top o' the morning,

you filthy lads.

I'm fixing to have a whale of

a time in this here mobile pub.

I'm so sorry-- what is this?

Crazy Paddy,

you big, dumb arse.

(laughs)

Yeah. Why?

'Cause it's fun.

No.

I thought that's the thing

about St. Patrick's Day--

people want clownery and-and

they want to embrace

the Irish stereotypes.

No, no, no.

This isn't innovative.

It's outdated and it's gonna

offend people.

Well, I brought my piece in case

anybody gets out of line.

Oh, I...

Okay, Frank, Frank,

look-- no guns.

Let go.

No guns, no costumes.

Okay, trust me,

I got this.

Frank, you're gonna drive.

Drive.

Okay, Dee, you're

gonna serve drinks. In the back.

As a human being.

A real one.

Mm.

Guys,

I'm gonna provide...

the experience.

(Irish jig plays)

BOTH: Ooh.

Okay, yeah.

Yeah, right?

Yeah, I

like this.

Nice.

I... See, I told you.

I know what I'm doing.

Come on, let's go.

Frank, you're driving.

Okay. Here we go.

(engine starts)

Ho! Check it out, Mac,

got some cool stuff.

I got some green paint

and I found a snake.

Great. Why?

You know, the snakes, 'cause,

like, we... I don't remember

where we landed on St. Paddy,

but I remember snakes

were involved. And the green

paint's for the, uh, beer.

Okay, love the snake.

Great catch there.

But why not just use food

coloring for the beer?

Uh, 'cause beer's not a food.

When was the last time

you ate a beer?

When was the last time

you drank paint?

Have you been drinking paint?

No.

Let me see your tongue.

Oh, my God, dude!

Oh, that shit's

just disgusting!

It's not bad.

You... you can't drink paint.

I know. I hear you,

I hear you.

You say that, but I don't think

that you're gonna stop.

Yeah, I get it, though, man.

It's, uh... Right.

I-I feel like you're saying you

get it, but you don't get it.

It's cool.

It's not cool.

It is what it is.

Oh, my God,

this is so frustrating!

Look,

I'm gonna go down

to the basement

and I'm gonna check

out my glue traps

and see if I, you know,

got a leprechaun in there.

Wait, no, no, no, no.

What... We said

no leprechaun this year.

You're not chasing leprechauns.

I know, and I kind of forgot

where we landed on that.

I got these great cookie sheets,

they're filled with glue, so...

But I-I hear you,

I hear you.

It's a frustrating thing.

It's like the guy doesn't

listen to us, man, when we're

trying to get through to him.

It's a bummer.

No, not you.

Keep moving, let's go,

come on.

You kidding me?

Oh, oh, h-hey-hey,

there, fellas.

What's going on?

Where you going? You know what?

Don't answer that.

Because I already know.

You're going for a ride

in the Paddy's Wagon.

Oh, cool. Is this,

like, a car service thing?

Hey, can you take us

to Center City?

No, it's not a goddamn car

service. Why does everyone...

(Irish brogue): You get in that

wagon right now or I'm gonna

sock you a good one

right in the kisser!

(forced laugh)

Yeah, you dumb bi...

What the hell

are you doing?

Uh, just innovating.

I took the Paddy's wig

and I cut it

into an awesome beard.

Great new character.

No.

Hilarious.

You've just created another

offensive Irish stereotype, Dee.

The Fighting Irish--

i-it's true.

I mean, that's

what Irish people do.

That is not what...

They get drunk,

they fight people.

All right, I'm trying to give

these guys... Look, guys,

don't pay attention to her.

I-I want to give you

an authentic, um, uh,

once-in-a-lifetime

experience here.

Oh. Oh, wait, so is

this, like, a bang bus?

No, no, no, no, no.

It's not a bang bus, okay?

Look... Just get in the wagon,

I'll give you a ride

to Center City.

Get in.

DENNIS:

Gentlemen,

let me walk you through how

our simple business works.

God, take it easy,

Frank!

Don't tell me

how to drive, you bitch.

Let... Let's keep it light for

the customers, all right, Frank?

As I was saying, fellas,

uh, what you're gonna

need to do is you,

uh, you're gonna

take a picture

of this QR code,

you're gonna download the app,

log in using Facebook,

and you're gonna watch

a-a brief, 30-second

advertisement.

And then once we receive

your online order,

you will promptly

be served a beer.

Can't I just pay you cash?

That's what I... Yeah.

Well, no, cash is the way

that antiquated

companies do business.

Yeah, I just want a beer.

I don't really

want you to have

all my personal information.

"A beer.

Just want a beer.

Don't want you

to have my..."

(Dee and Dennis laugh)

Yeah.

Look, man, um, if I

just gave you a beer

and you just

gave me cash,

then you wouldn't

be able to experience

everything that we've

got to offer here, okay?

Look, I'll show you. This...

Let me just pull up my...

I got a little presentation

here that I put together.

But, uh, can't get the goddamn

thing to... to go online.

I don't have a signal here.

Goddamn it. You know what?

Dee, uh, why don't you just

give 'em a couple free beers?

We'll-we'll call

'em "freemiums."

Don't know if you're

familiar with that term.

This is like all foam.

Dee, you goddamn bitch!

Hey! Oh, this thing's

bouncing around

like a pinball.

Don't blame me.

FRANK: Keep it light,

you bitch!

All right.

Yeah, this is weird.

Can we just get out here?

Hey, it's locked.

Can you guys let us out?

No, I'm not gonna

let you out.

Screw this.

I'm calling the cops.

Yeah, call the cops.

Why would you call the cops?

We're just hanging out, man!

All right, stop,

stop, stop.

All right, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh. Push "end." End.

(phone chimes)

Give the phones

to the girl.

Let's go, guys. I don't want

to have to do this shit.

Frank, we got to

pivot the business.

FRANK:

Mm-hmm.

Come on, get the hell out.

Everybody out.

Out, out, out, out,

out, out, out, out.

All right.

(clears throat)

Don't worry. We're gonna mail

your phones back to you, but

we're gonna need your addresses,

so fork over your I.D.s.

Let's go.

Come on.

And their money.

We can't have 'em

cabbing it back to the city

and going straight

to the cops.

(sighs) Goddamn it.

That's a good point.

Okay, you know what?

Dee, collect their wallets.

Don't worry, guys.

We're not thieves.

You'll get your

wallets back, too.

Yeah.

Don't be babies.

All right, uh,

come on, come on, guys,

let's go, let's go.

Let's go.

Shut the doors.

Did we just kidnap

and rob those guys?

We just drove the

snakes out of Philly,

the way St. Patrick did.

Oh!

So, what you're saying is,

technically,

we gave those guys

a very authentic

St. Paddy's Day experience.

Oh.

Yeah.

Nice.

In a way.

Oh. All right.

That's good.

That's good.

Yeah.

Okay, okay, okay, okay. Here.

Jesus Christ, where's Charlie?

Hey, Mac, somebody

stole my damn wallet.

What?!

Beat it! Beat it, Mauricio!

I need to talk to Mac.

Charlie, where have

you been, dude?

I can't run the bar by myself

and do security.

People are getting

their wallets stolen.

Okay, uh, look, just come

to the basement with me,

like, really quick.

Goddamn it! All right.

Attention, everybody.

Irish honor system.

Please serve yourselves.

Put the money in the bucket.

Thank you.

(cheering)

Uh, I don't think the Irish

honor system's a thing, man.

Oh, it's a thing.

It's an ancient

Irish tradition.

Know your history, bro.

What could possibly

be so important?

Charlie...

what the hell

am I looking at?

(groaning and muttering)

CHARLIE: I caught him.

I caught that

son of a bitch.

Dude, I think you've

kidnapped a little person.

Huh?

Nah... nah, nah.

First of all,

I've captured

a leprechaun, okay?

You wouldn't say,

"I kidnapped Bigfoot," right?

You'd say,

"I captured Bigfoot."

Well, that may be true,

but leprechauns aren't real.

So what we're

dealing with here

is a little person

in a glue trap.

Yeah, I thought about that,

ruled it out, okay?

'Cause the basement door

was locked, so unless

he's a being

who's unrestrained by the laws

of the physical world,

he's not getting down here, man.

Dude, if he is

a human being,

he is going to sue

the shit out of us.

If he's a leprechaun,

he's got a pot of gold.

Yeah...

Well, yeah, that's...

Well, let's not rule

one out over the other.

I mean, it's very weird

that he's

down here, right?

MAC:

Okay. Let's ask him.

Uh, sir, I'm gonna ask

you a direct question.

Are you now or have you

ever been a leprechaun?

No, I'm not

a goddamn leprechaun!

Please...

It was pretty

convincing.

Are you kidding me?

If he's a leprechaun, that's

what he has to say, right?

Sir, why are you dressed

like a leprechaun?

'Cause it's St. Paddy's Day,

you idiots!

This guy's good.

He's good.

Yeah.

Nasty little son of a bitch,

isn't he? You think?

There's, like,

a real bite to him.

I know. You know what

I think we should do?

We just rough him

up a little bit.

You know, just get the truth

out of him, just a little bit.

It's a great idea.

We don't want

to bruise him up.

Yeah.

You know, so, I just

wish we had, like,

a hose or something.

Yeah.

You know, we could blast

the truth out of him.

Right?

That'd be good...

Oh, shit.

There's a hose right here.

I... I don't ever remember

a hose being down here, do you?

No. I don't know.

Dude...

do you realize

what just happened?

You made a wish, which

the leprechaun clearly granted.

You know, everyone knows,

you capture a leprechaun,

you get three wishes, right?

So we got to think

very carefully what

our next two are here.

I wish I could

live forever?

What are you doing?!

I wish you don't.

How about that?

No, no! Why did you do that?

Why did you do that?

Why didn't you say,

"I wish I could live forever"?

And live forever with you?!

Well...

Look, I'm not a leprechaun!

Just let me out of here,

you dickheads!

Ah. Wish there was a way

we could just know

for sure, you know.

Charlie?

Get the snake.

DENNIS:

You know what the problem was,

Frank?

That last group of belligerent

hooligans just didn't understand

how to experience

our business properly,

but I think this new group

is gonna get it.

Plus, they're

physically weaker,

in case anything

goes wrong.

What's happening?

(with Irish brogue):

I'll tell ya what's happenin'.

One day you're young

and pretty,

and the next, the years

of drinking and abuse

have robbed you

of your youth.

Abuse? Did these

guys hurt you?

No!

Me husband

did this to me.

Arr!

Dee...

Mm?

What the hell

are you doing?

What are you...?

What, are you a pirate?

I can't tell if you're

doing a thing now,

or if this is just

who you've become.

(normal voice):

I'm giving them

an authentic Irish experience,

like you were begging for

before...

You're giving them a

completely inauthentic,

frightening experience,

and you're scaring them.

Okay, listen, ladies,

nobody's gonna get hurt.

Will you just let us out,

please?

Well, no.

No, I'm not

gonna let you out.

I need you to

experience everything

I-I have to offer,

okay, so you're...

Rahr!

So, experience... Dee!

Shut up!

All right, look, we're gonna

have a good time here, okay?

You're experiencing some

free beers right now

because I can't get the

goddamn Internet to work.

That's a problem for me.

Do you guys know how to use

tablet computers?

You're young.

No.

I just want to connect the

goddamn thing to the Internet.

They told me it'd be easy.

It's not, though.

Okay. Well, I'll

tell you what.

I'll let you out after I take

a couple photographs of you.

How's that sound? Yeah?

Take some photographs

for my... for my Web site?

So, look happy.

Look like you're having fun.

No need to cover those up.

My customers like those.

They're like me.

They're gonna

want to see that.

Yeah, okay, so smiling,

smiling, and...

(camera shutter clicking,

women crying)

You're not convincing me.

Smile!

(sobbing)

Goddamn!

This is not

supposed to be scary.

This is supposed to be an

authentic, fun time for you.

(camera shutter clicking,

women crying)

Yeah, all right, well,

I need to buy it, okay?

I'm...

Please let us out.

I don't want to be on

your weird Web site.

Shh.

Well, if you don't comply

with me, then you're

gonna end up

on the weird one, okay?

So, smile.

(crying)

Ugh! All right.

You know what?

This isn't gonna work.

All right, come on, come on.

Let's go. Come on.

All right, out you go, ladies.

Out you go.

I know you didn't

threaten to call the cops,

but you would have--

I'm certain of it--

so I'm gonna need

your wallets and your phones.

Give 'em to the girl.

Oh, yeah, I'm probably gonna

pop on your Twitter accounts,

just so you know. Write us some,

uh, enthusiastic reviews,

which you would have done,

as well,

had you experienced

our business properly,

but you decided to be...

(sighs)

All right, well...

(tires screech)

Talk, bitch!

I'm blasting you! Come on!

Talk! Come on, leprechaun!

Come on, leprechaun,

admit it!

Where's the gold?!

Aw, what's the point, dude?

There's no water pressure.

I feel like I'm

giving him a baby bath.

Yeah, I know.

Snake's not

working either, man.

Well, that's

because the snake is dead.

Because you put it in a plastic

bag and it couldn't breathe.

All right, doesn't matter.

He probably killed it

with his leprechaun

magic, anyway.

I'm not a leprechaun,

you goddamn assholes!

Yeah, yeah, guy.

How are we gonna get

his pot of gold

if he won't even admit to us

that he's a leprechaun?

I mean, if this guy would

just admit he was a leprechaun,

we could be done

with this whole mess.

Well, yeah.

Of course.

Okay, fine, you got me.

I'm a leprechaun.

I admit it.

What?

God... I am a... I'm a...

damn... a... I'm a leprechaun.

Yeah, right, but you

don't have the accent,

That's...

and that's throwing

me off, right?

It's throwing me off.

(Irish brogue):

I live in a faraway land,

and I was transported here

by a giant magical rainbow.

And you never got me

Lucky Charms.

(laughing):

Oh!

That's it! That's it!

You were right! Dude!

You caught a leprechaun!

I told you, man! I knew it!

Hey, can you let me go now?

No, you can't go. You know...

No. No.

we need your pot of gold.

Where is it?

Yeah.

It's at the bottom

of the rainbow.

Hmm.

Must be some sort

of leprechaun riddle,

'cause there's no

rainbows out today.

No, dude... I don't think

this guy's talking in metaphors.

I think he means

exactly what he's saying.

Yeah?

Dude, he's talking

about that gay bar

down on Locust Street--

the Rainbow.

You know which one

I'm talking about, right?

No.

Right. I'm gonna go

check it out, alone.

Why?

Well, because you'll be here.

And if, uh,

the gang comes back,

they'll also be here,

and I'll be there, alone.

Right.

But you'll be here.

Great.

Great.

All right, you go do that,

Okay. Yeah.

and, uh, remember, you're there

to look for a pot of gold.

Okay. Alone.

Yeah. You'll be there, alone.

Okay!

Got it.

All right, well, that

just leaves you and me, and, uh,

we both know there's no pot

of gold at that gay bar.

So the question is...

what to do with the little liar.

We haven't made

a goddamn penny today.

We actually lost money,

with all the gas we burned

going back and forth.

Yeah, well, it's not my fault.

The business model's flawless.

If you knew how to drive

and you knew how to serve

a goddamn beer, we wouldn't

be in this mess.

(sighs)

Hmm.

All right.

(grunts)

Mmm.

Okay, everybody out.

Get out. Let's go. Come on.

Go, go, go, go, go. You guys

are in the wrong demographic.

Where have you taken us?

Right. Yeah, I guess, uh,

we got so used to our routine of

picking people up and dropping

'em off outside of town

that we never even tried

to sell you people beer,

did we? (laughs)

They're too old, anyway.

Who's gonna watch

'em on a Web site?

That's true.

Yeah, you guys are

a little too old for our, uh...

(woman shrieks)

So...

Wallets and phones.

You know the drill.

I don't know why we don't

just do the car service thing.

People seem to be really needing

rides all over the town.

No, you know,

that idea may work.

You think so?

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Oh. B-But before we

pivot to that one,

um, Deandra,

you mind, uh, jumpin' out

to see about the gas cap?

I think I left it off.

Yeah.

(tires screeching)

Oop.

Oh! Hey!

Oh, goddamn!

Goddamn it...!

(groans)

What you did there, Frank,

that was... very funny.

Yeah. That bitch

was dragging us down.

Yeah.

She was

driving me crazy, man.

Oh.

Oh... shit.

What?

She didn't put

the gas cap on.

Oh, is it open for real?

Big-time.

Oh, shit. Yeah, let me

grab that real quick.

I got it.

(grunts)

No, no, no, no, n...

Aw, goddamn!

(groans)

(sighs)

I can't believe Uber

jacks up their prices

just because it's a holiday.

That's unbelie... It's a scam.

We should have been doing

that the entire time.

Are you kidding me?

That was my whole idea.

Dee, stop trying to take

credit for everything. Wait,

what is going on in here?

Weren't Mac and Charlie

taking care of the bar?

Yeah, they were.

Why is the bar empty?

FRANK:

It ain't empty.

What are you doing back here,

you piece of shit?

It's a long story.

The business hit a wall,

went up in smoke,

and then went under.

Why are you speaking

in metaphors?

It ain't a metaphor.

I fell asleep,

crashed into a wall,

the engine burst into flames,

and I had to drive it

into a river.

Right.

(music playing in distance)

(muffled shouting)

What the hell is that?

♪ To keep this smile

from my face ♪

♪ Losing control, yeah ♪

♪ I'm all over the place ♪

♪ Clowns to the left of me,

jokers to the right ♪

♪ Here I am, stuck in

the middle with you... ♪

Well, you may be a man.

You may be a leprechaun.

But only one thing's

for sure:

you're in the wrong basement.

(muffled):

Goddamn it! No!

I'm gonna see if

you bleed green.

No! No! No, no, no!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Charlie,

Charlie, what the hell is...

Whoa, whoa. Hey!

What are you doing?

(music stops)

What does it look

like I'm doing?

It looks like you've tied

a little person to a chair

and you're gonna torture him.

(chuckles) No, I've tied

a leprechaun to a chair,

and, uh, yeah,

I was gonna cut him to pieces.

Charlie...

you been drinking

straight paint?

Yeah.

MAC: Charlie, he's

not a leprechaun!

Do not hurt him!

I repeat:

he is not a leprechaun!

Oh, hey.

What is this?

Why are you covered in glitter?

I would love to answer

all of your questions,

but there is no time.

You see, I went to the Rainbow

to look for a pot of gold.

The gay bar?

Oh.

Again, no questions.

And when I got back,

I found this bag...

full of wallets,

hidden where we keep

the towels.

Why did you need towels?

Not answering questions, okay?

Because apparently this son

of a bitch is a pickpocket.

That's why he's been

lurking around Paddy's.

Oh! Well, that makes a lot

of sense, 'cause he kept saying,

like, "I'm a pickpocket. I'm

a pickpocket. Stop hurting me.

I'm not a leprechaun." And

I just thought that was, like,

a metaphor for, you know,

"I-I am a leprechaun."

This little son of a bitch

has been picking pockets

at our bar

every St. Paddy's Day

for years.

FRANK:

Well, we got a whole bag

full of wallets

and phones, too.

You did? That's good. Because

the bar did not do so great.

Yeah.

Turns out the Irish honor

system, that's not a thing.

Yeah, we were gonna

actually return the wallets

that we got, but, uh,

Yeah.

since no one

seems to be...

being honorable, uh,

maybe we keep our wallets

and those

and, you know,

Yeah.

chalk it up as a win. Yeah.

Oh, the luck of the Irish.

(chuckling)

Let's not make it

a tradition, though.

Sure.

Yeah, probably better

not to.

All right, well, what do we do

with this piece of shit?

(tires screech)

(distorted laughter)

Oh, shit, that leprechaun

just flew up a rainbow!

Stop drinking paint,

Charlie.

Huh.

(trumpet playing off-key)

Brown.

Captioned by

Media Access Group at WGBH