Original subtitles

BILL:

You really think Jack

can handle this case?

CHARLIE:

Yeah, he's a lawyer.

FRANK:

Besides, Bill, you're broke.

He's the best lawyer

you can afford.

Yeah, Bill, you got to relax,

okay? Uncle Jack

and I-- we got this case.

Now-now, listen to me.

Liam McPoyle's gonna

come at you hard, all right?

But-but I've done my research.

I got something with this

bird theory that's gonna

blow the court away.

I-I...

I don't... I don't think

we should pursue

this bird nonsense, Charlie.

Yes.

I-I'm well-versed in bird law.

Look,

Pondy, keep your

eye on the prize.

This goes well,

it's party time.

What is that?

Is that... is that drugs, Frank?

Yeah.

No, dude, I need you

keeping him clean,

all right?

That's why you're here.

I got to have

the drugs here

to keep him clean.

Well, that doesn't make sense.

I... Get rid

of the drugs, Frank.

I-I don't want that.

Hey, boys.

You ready for the big show?

Yes, good, how you feeling?

You good, you do your homework,

you know your talking points?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm good.

Yeah, cool as a cucumber.

You can...

you can get off my back.

Well, don't sass me,

I just... It was just a general

Well, then don't hound me.

question, Dee.

I'm just saying

if you don't want sass,

then you should probably

stop being a hound.

All right, whatever.

Mac, why are you here?

This is your big day, dude.

McPoyle suing Ponderosa?

It's huge, it's like the

trial of the century.

Come on, man, everybody's got

a thing. Don't leave me out.

Frank's got a thing, Dee's got a

thing. Dennis has got a thing.

Dennis has a thing--

what are you talking about?

Oh!

D... What are you doing here?

There's got to be a way

to get this court

to let me out

of my alimony payments.

I mean, have you guys seen

Maureen? The woman has gone

almost full cat.

It's-it's madness.

I shouldn't have

to pay for that,

so I'm gonna talk to the judge,

get him to throw it

on the docket,

you know what I mean?

No, absolutely not.

That's gonna distract

from my case.

Buddy, you don't

have a case, okay?

You are not a lawyer.

Uncle Jack's just

got you here handling

his papers for him

'cause he can't do it

'cause he's wearing

those goddamn...

big hands over

his hands.

I don't know what that

is. What is that?

I don't know what it is.

All right, well, either way,

this whole thing's gonna be

a goddamn fiasco, and I'm gonna

enjoy every second of it.

No, it's gonna

go fine.

No, it isn't.

No, it's gonna be fine.

This is hardly the trial

of the century. Everything's

gonna go just great.

On a scale of one to ten,

how much sass

are you gonna give me today?

A-Are you serious?

And hello to... you all.

What's the Jew lawyer

doing here?

Not Jewish,

and even if I was,

what difference

would it make?

I meant that

as a compliment.

Everybody knows

Jews are the best lawyers.

I can't wait

to crush you people.

I'll be representing

Liam McPoyle today.

Where is Liam?

Well, he actually

got pinkeye

in his one good eye.

Well, in truth, someone

named Doc McPoyle

attempted to put some sort of

healing milk in his pinkeye

and it got infected,

but that doesn't matter.

The point is...

you'll be dealing

with me today.

And you'll be dealing

with me today.

Jack Kelly, lawyer.

Good to see you again.

Are those fake hands?

No.

Are those fake hands?

You know what, good luck

with all of that today.

(sighs)

Did you see his hands?

They're beautiful.

I think we should settle.

What...

Jesus Christ.

I'm going to prison.

It's gonna be fine.

67th District Court

is now in session.

Judge Clarence Melvoy

presiding.

Please remove your hats and

turn off your cell phones.

Okay. We have

McPoyle v. Ponderosa.

Seeking damages for the loss

of an eye in the form

of a one-time payment

to the sum of...

$200.

Are the plaintiffs present?

I will be representing

the plaintiffs, Your Honor.

The defendants?

Uh, yes, Your Honor.

And I just, uh, wanted to say

I'm very excited

to be here.

I do estate law,

and this is my first

actual trial.

Uh, Your Honor, and if I may,

uh, Charlie Kelly, cocounsel.

Uh, background

in bird law, uh...

Nephew.

Yeah. But excited to be,

uh, in the people's court

a-and a big fan

of black judges,

too.

Stop touching me.

Okay. Look.

All I need are the facts

to this case.

I have a very long

day ahead of me,

so I'm gonna need

to keep this thing moving.

Are you gonna

bang the, uh...

Yeah, yeah.

the-the hammer?

Do we...? Is there a...?

Here we go?

Hey.

(chuckles)

That's the...

Awesome.

Yeah.

It's cool, right?

Yeah, nice.

LAWYER:

Your Honor,

Friday the 13th

was a night of chaos.

Milk,

spiked with bath salts

by this man,

Bill Ponderosa,

was served

to the wedding guests.

Now, my client is odd.

You might even

refer to his family as...

...very creepy.

But they are saints

compared

to Bill Ponderosa

and the sordid lot

of degenerates

he associates with.

Terrible people who ruin lives.

Ruined mine,

cost my client his marriage,

ruined my first,

now my second one is teetering.

You know what...

I'm gonna sit down.

I'm done.

They just do this to me, okay?

You get the point.

UNCLE JACK:

Uh, Your Honor, I'll-I'll, uh,

I'll keep it brief.

I just have three things to say.

Uh, one:

Liam McPoyle

has a history of lying.

Two: My client

is a loving

family man.

And three:

He is innocent.

Deandra Reynolds,

you were the one that

told the police that Bill had

spiked the punch

with bath salts.

That's correct.

But you didn't actually

see him do it, did you?

No, I did not.

So is it possible that,

given the traumatic nature

of the evening,

that you don't

remember the evening

all that well?

Yes, that's correct.

My car was destroyed and I

was locked into a freezer.

My memory was

clouded by rage,

and so I misremembered

the incident.

An understandable mistake.

Could happen to any one of us.

For example,

you remember me, possibly,

as a man with small hands.

Yeah, you think...

What...

you think,

"He had small hands."

Do you remember that?

Yeah, sure, okay.

What you remember is false.

O-Okay.

Yup.

Big, masculine.

My hands tell a story

of greatness.

And when you look

at my right hand...

MELVOY: I'm gonna st...

uh, uh, I'm gonna stop you

right now.

Are you just gonna

talk about your hands

for a while?

Uh, no, Your Honor.

No more questions

for the witness.

(sighs)

Deandra,

here is the statement

that you gave

to police.

"Bill did it.

That goddamn drug addict

"is out of his mind.

I'll testify to that.

"I swear on my mother's

grave that Bill spiked

"that milk, no doubt about it.

He's guilty, guilty, guilty."

DEE:

Uh...

Have you ever had sex

with Bill before?

Yeah.

Yes, sure.

Because we-we were...

We had a... We were sort of...

We were lovers for a little...

One of his prostitutes, right.

Prostitutes?

Um, I have a receipt

for a mink coat,

recently purchased

by a Bill Ponderosa

to be delivered

to a Dee Reynolds.

A gift?

Yes. I had a birthday.

Six months ago.

Uh...

Are you aware

that the coat was purchased

at Doyle McPoyle's

Trappings and Fur?

No.

Or that the coat

was not made of mink at all

but rather made of... muskrat?

Muskrat? Goddamn muskrat?

Are you kidding me,

Bill? Okay, you know

what, fine, he spiked it.

(murmuring)

I'm sorry. What did you say?

He spiked it and then

he tried to bribe me.

(groaning)

No further questions,

Your Honor.

Ma'am, do you know

what perjury is?

Mm-hmm.

CHARLIE:

Oh, this is terrible.

Well, he shouldn't be ...

This is terrible.

Wow, you guys are getting

crushed in there.

Yeah. Oh, I know.

Hey, thanks, Mac. Hi. Great.

Hey, you know, I feel like

I'm not being utilized properly.

Well, that's 'cause

you don't have anything.

So you're not being

utilized at all.

Yeah, but what if I get

to deliver the bombshell?

Oh.

What bombshell?

You guys don't have

a bombshell? Oh, my God.

Every good case

needs a bombshell.

Oh, Jesus Christ,

and, without it,

you're screwed. You know

what, you know what?

Okay.

I'll find one for you. I'm

gonna do, like, a hero cop,

Mark Fuhrman thing...

Oh, Mark Furhman.

No...

and then sort of transition

into a Kato Kaelin.

Yeah, I wish you

would do none of it.

Okay. All right. Cool.

I wish you'd do none of it, man.

I'm on it, I'm on it.

Shit.

Okay. All right.

Ah, why can't people

just stay out of this?

Yeah, look,

there's potentially...

That-That's my bird expert.

He's from Penn. The guy... Like,

he's totally official, okay?

Let me do the bird thing.

He's an ornithologist.

I don't think it's a good...

I'm gonna kill, man.

I know, but, Charlie,

I'm just...

Uncle Jack, put me

back on the stand.

What?

No, we cannot.

Are you kidding me?

You're lucky you didn't

get sent to jail.

Yeah, I know.

But I think this could work.

I'm gonna say

I found some bullshit online

that proves

that lawyer's Jewish.

Oh.

So what?

So what?

He'll be a laughingstock.

(laughs)

Yes. Yes.

Right?

Because the man is Jewish?

No. What? No.

Not because he's...

Well, that's what

it sounds like you're saying.

N-Not because he's Jewish.

Because he's a liar

and because he's embarrassed

about being Jewish.

I mean, what is that?

Dee, you blew it.

Like, big-time.

I wish you guys would just stay

out of this.

I-I didn't... I-I...

(groans)

Maureen, you are the sister

of Bill Ponderosa,

and it was at your wedding

that Liam got attacked?

Meow.

Mmm.

Your Honor, nothing represents

the tragic aftermath

more than the dramatic

transformation of this woman...

Uh, cat.

Excuse me?

As I transition

from woman to cat,

I must insist on being

referred to as a cat.

Objection.

She's not a cat, Your Honor.

(hisses)

(gallery gasping)

If the witness wants to consider

herself a cat, I will allow it.

I just need to know

where all this is headed.

How is this relevant?

Well, it's clearly relevant

the attack had

a psychological impact

on all the parties

that evening.

No further questions.

Y-Your Honor, do you see what's

going on here? This is crazy.

You know what, I'm gonna...

I'm gonna approach the bench.

No.

Can I just approach it

real fast?

Absolutely not.

All right, earlier, you-you

referred to my ex-wife as a cat,

per her request. Uh, now,

surely, you wouldn't force a man

to pay alimony to a cat, right?

So motion to establish me not

having to pay alimony anymore.

I will not allow that.

Okay, well, so can we just...

we'll pop it on the docket?

We can put it at the end

of the day if you want.

I just want to clear it up

while I got her in a courtroom.

I will not allow that, either.

Sit down.

Now you don't allow something.

Now you don't allow something!

Allow all this.

You gonna allow that?

You know? But you don't...

Okay, I'm good. Goddamn it.

UNCLE JACK:

Frank,

did you go to the wedding?

I did.

And I snuck Ryan up in

the trunk of my car.

He hadn't been invited to

the wedding, on account

of the beef with Liam.

And I had him in the trunk

of the car, on account of I

didn't want to sit with him

'cause he's gross.

Right.

(chuckles)

And, uh, uh,

what did Ryan say to you

when you got to the wedding?

"I'm gonna kill

Maureen Ponderosa."

So, if there's someone to point

the finger at, it would be...

his brother!

(gallery gasping)

Oh, my God! Oh, my

God, nobody look!

Nobody look! Nobody look!

Nobody look!

Nobody look!

Nobody look!

Now, you've stabbed

your brother before, correct?

Oh, sure.

And you were upset

at the wedding.

So it's not crazy

for me to ask you this.

Ryan McPoyle, did you attack

your brother at the wedding?

Oh. I'm not Ryan.

What, you're not?

Nope.

I'm Lion. Like the animal.

Lion McPoyle.

Wh-Why are you on the stand?

Because you said "his brother"

and threw your big fake hand

at me.

O-Okay.

Ryan's at home with Liam,

taking care of his infected eye.

Okay, uh, uh, boy, let's, uh,

str-strike that, uh,

hand comment from the record.

Uh, would you happen to know

if Ryan stabbed his brother

in the eye?

Oh, yeah. I know.

He totally did it.

(gallery murmuring)

Well, then I guess

we will never know,

ladies and gentlemen.

Uncle Jack,

he just confessed!

He did?

Yes!

Yeah, Ryan stabbed Liam.

I totally saw it.

Oh, my God! We won!

(light cheering and applause)

We-- you did it.

We did it.

How did I do it?

Lion, was Ryan drinking milk

at the wedding?

Of course. Everyone was.

So who did the stabbing

doesn't matter, Your Honor,

because they were all

still drugged

on Bill Ponderosa's spiked milk,

which is the point I've been

trying to make the entire time.

So just to be clear,

you've proven my case.

You lose.

(gallery groaning)

(sighs)

I can't follow any of this.

What?

Guys, I got it.

You-you got what?

I got the bombshell.

UNCLE JACK:

Okay, Mr. McDonald,

you recently found out some

very interesting information.

Care to share it with the court?

Yes. I've recently been informed

that Ryan McPoyle

only drinks mother's milk!

(gallery gasping, murmuring)

Which means there's no way

he could have drank the

milk that Bill spiked,

which means he was sober

when he attacked his brother,

which means Bill is innocent!

Case closed! Kaboom!

Bombshell!

(laughs)

I did it. I did it,

black judge. I did it.

Mr.... Mr. McDonald, how did you

come upon this information?

Oh, I banged Margaret McPoyle.

I'm curious

how she told you,

because Margaret is a mute.

Well, guess what, smart guy,

I had her write it down.

One more thing, Your Honor.

Margaret, you carry a picture

of Mother with you at

all times, don't you?

Do you mind showing

that to the court?

(gallery gasping)

LAWYER:

Your Honor,

Mother is the name

of the McPoyle family cow.

The cow that provided the milk

for the wedding.

The milk that was drugged by...

Bill Ponderosa.

That mute bitch

lied to me for sex.

Bombshell diffused.

Abramowitz!

(gallery murmuring)

Your great-grandmother's

last name was Abramowitz.

I found it

on an ancestry Web site.

That makes you a dirty liar

because you are Jewish.

(gallery groaning and murmuring)

Okay, I...

That came out kind of bad.

I-I'm not disgusted

by the Jewish part.

It's the... it's the lying part

that I was talking about.

This dirty liar is a Jew...

ish man.

Recess?

CHARLIE:

Oh, God!

Oh, that stupid Dee.

All right, calm down, calm down.

Look, as the great

Johnnie Cochran once said,

if the glove

doesn't fit, give up.

That's not what he

said! That's not...

It...

How are you a

lawyer, Jack?

All right...

I mean, I know more than

you. All right, look...

Watch your voice.

Watch your voice.

Okay, okay, let's just...

let me do my bird

thing. Okay, Bill,

I want to do the bird thing.

Can we just do it...?

Yeah, that's great. No,

let's do the bird thing.

You're good

with it now? Okay.

Love it, yeah.

Jesus, son, what'd

you cut this with?

Shut up, bitch.

Son? Your... This is...

Your son is your dealer?

He's reliable.

Oh, God. Frank, what

are you doing, man?

Come on, reign it in.

I paid for it.

I'm gonna do it.

Hey, fat ass,

this asshole's short 30 bucks.

Go steal another set of my

golf clubs, you piece of shit.

(bleep) you.

Piss off.

Guys, guys, we're doing

the bird theory, all right?

All right.

All right.

All right. All right.

I'm taking the lead here, okay?

Yeah.

All right, let's do it.

Birds on three.

ALL:

One, two, three. Birds!

Those are just ridiculous, man.

It's like three hands...

like eight hands out there.

Yeah.

CHARLIE:

Your Honor,

this is the McPoyle

family crest.

On it you will find a bird--

a Pocono swallow,

to be more accurate.

A very rare,

very elusive bird.

You'll notice

its trademark

unibrow, highly uncommon

in most aviary circles.

And my research shows

that unlike your typical

North American barn swallow,

the Pocono swallow, if kept

under the proper conditions,

can live as long as 80

to even 85 years,

much like a parrot

or some of the more resilient

coastal gulls.

Your Honor,

where is this going?

I don't know, but it'd

better lead somewhere fast.

Your Honor, I can assure you

that this will be

our final argument.

Well, if it's gonna help

end all of this madness,

I'll allow it.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Now, there was another member

of the McPoyle family clan

at the wedding

the night of the incident.

A member

that none of us have met.

Certainly not anyone

on this side of the aisle.

A one Mr. Royal McPoyle.

A bird. The McPoyle family's

pet Pocono swallow,

and my research shows

that this particular

Pocono swallow

has a history of violence.

Look into the gallery, and

you will see Royal's victims.

It took Margaret's

vocal cords in 1999,

leaving her mute.

Keith McPoyle lost his eyes

and his ears

to it in '76,

and we all know

that according to bird law,

it's three strikes,

and you're out.

Bye, bye, birdie.

Ready, boys and girls, because

here's where it gets good.

Ryan McPoyle didn't

attack Liam. Royal did.

And Lion was lying about

Ryan attacking Liam

to protect Royal

from the chair.

Or lethal injection.

Or perhaps some sort of

small bird guillotine.

I wouldn't understand

the physics of it.

I'm not an executioner.

I'm just the best goddamn

bird lawyer in the world.

So, bottom line-- and

listen up, numbnuts,

'cause it blows a

hole in your case--

birds don't drink milk.

Objection, Your Honor.

(gallery groaning)

There's no Royal McPoyle.

Perhaps, or perhaps not.

Your Honor, I call Pappy McPoyle

to the stand.

Pappy McPoyle, patriarch

of the McPoyle family.

Royal was your pet bird. You've

had him since you were a boy.

And isn't it true that you never

go anywhere without him?

(crying):

Yeah. Yeah.

I have seen...

raccoons and oysters dancing...

in the head of a pin

with the angels.

They are laughing.

LAWYER:

All right, Your Honor,

clearly, this witness

is mentally unwell

and cannot answer any

of the questions properly...

Uh, perhaps, Your Honor,

or-or perhaps it's just a cover.

But it's quite all right.

I don't have

any further questions.

Oh, except one more.

Didn't the bailiff ask everyone

to remove their hats?

That is true.

Mr. McPoyle,

would you please

remove your hat?

Hmm...

Mr. McPoyle,

please remove your hat.

Perhaps he is too insane

to understand the question.

Why don't I just...?

(squawk)

(gallery groans, gasps, shouts)

Ladies and gentlemen,

Royal McPoyle.

(squawks)

Chickadee, dee, dee,

little birdie.

Let's dance.

Your Honor, this is

Mr. Belka Maier.

He's a professor of ornithology

at the University of Penn.

Mr. Maier, it's

safe to say

you're a bit of an

expert on birds, yes?

I believe you're correct.

And you would understand this

Pocono swallow quite well,

wouldn't you?

Yes, I do.

Then please ask it

if it attacked Liam!

Ask... if... What?

CHARLIE: Mr. Maier, I would

like you to please talk

to the bird and say, "Did

you attack Liam McPoyle?!"

(laughing):

I can't converse with...

with a bird.

Well, I thought you

were an expert on birds.

I am an expert on birds, but...

Well, I need you to

communicate with the bird.

This is very important,

and I need to...

MAIER: But it's a...

(laughs)

Well, this is

a bit embarrassing, Your Honor.

Perhaps this man

has lied about his credentials.

Uh, fortunately, I am familiar

with a little bit of pigeon.

Perhaps I can

get through to it in some way.

(cooing)

LAWYER:

Okay.

Your Honor, this is nonsense.

Look, kitty.

(mews)

Yeah, kitty.

Chase the laser beam, kitty.

(gallery gasping and murmuring)

Order.

Your Honor, you've got

a man speaking to a bird.

And yet, you refuse to rule

on me having

to pay alimony to this cat.

What is this?!

Order!

It's a mockery of

justice, Your Honor.

This is ridiculous, and this...

I said, order!

(gallery clamoring)

LAWYER:

He's talking to the pigeon!

I'm not paying alimony

to a goddamn cat!

Order!

I want order in this court!

Fly, my pet!

Fly!

(bird squawking,

people screaming)

Bring me their eyes!

(laughing)

(screaming, shouting)

Bring them to me!

(laughing)

Oh!

(clamoring)

MELVOY:

In my 35 years on this bench,

I have never seen

such a mockery made

of this courtroom.

You people have wasted my time,

you've wasted

the taxpayers' time,

and this justice

has heard enough.

I am throwing this case out.

I should've

done it hours ago.

He's throwing it out!

That means we win!

That means we win!

That means we won!

Damn, damn, damn!

Order.

Eat that!

Damn it!

Order!

This court has ruled.

Now, I suggest

that you people get

the hell out of my courtroom

before I put you all in jail.

You got it!

Get out!

Bailiff, next case.

Ridiculous.

We have Morgan State Delivery

v. the proprietors

of one Paddy's Pub.

Oh! That's us. Yeah,

that's us, Your Honor.

Oh, that's us. Oh!

Oh, hell no! Uh-uh.

All right.

Uh-uh!

(trumpet playing off-key)

Brown.

Captioned by

Media Access Group at WGBH