Original subtitles

MAC:

Hey, Dee! Dee! Dee! Dee!

Do you want to take your feet

off my bed, please?

DEE: It's not your bed, okay?

It's my goddamn floor!

And how many times do

I have to ask you guys

to please just

pick up your shit

when you wake up

in the morning?!

You're turning this place

into the Superdome.

Superdome? That's, like,

six years too late.

That's a super lame

reference.

And it's kind of offensive.

You'll be happy to know,

by the way,

we are looking

for a place right now.

All right? What about

this place, man?

Ah, it looks

a little bit junky.

It kind of reminds me of here.

Yeah, this place

is a piece of shit.

It's not junky, okay?

You guys have

destroyed everything,

and that's why it looks junkier,

like a couple of locusts.

Oh, I take that as a compliment.

It's not a compliment.

Well, it's biblical,

so it's a compliment.

Yeah.

(stammers) Why is everything

so goddamn expensive?

I mean,

I wish we hadn't burned down

our rent-controlled apartment.

(both laugh)

Yeah, you think?

Dee, I will slap you

in the teeth.

You think this is easy?

We-we have a list

of demands here.

We need two bedrooms.

We-we need two bathrooms,

minimum.

You know what? Whatever.

What's your plan?

Where are you guys gonna

find a place that fits

all of your needs for

under 1,500 bucks a month?

DENNIS:

Well, guys,

this is it.

Welcome to our

beautiful new home.

CHARLIE: This is crazy.

You guys should've just

moved into that empty apartment

in our building.

The one where the family

was murdered?

Brutally murdered.

Pass.

This place is awesome.

You guys are gonna thrive out

here, and I am not gonna have

to worry about you

hogging my shower anymore.

And we don't have to worry

about getting ringworm.

You brought the ringworm.

Yeah, and now your apartment

is infested with it.

Yeah.

Don't worry, you'll

be back to giving

each other worms

soon enough.

These are city scum.

They can't hack it

out here.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

You want to bet?

Absolutely.

Okay, Frank.

So if Mac and I

can live here for a month,

then you have to pay

our rent for an entire year.

Deal. And if you don't,

you have to sleep in bed

with an old man for a year.

(laughing): Gross!

What?

Yeah.

What the hell are you

laughing about, Charlie?

You already sleep

with an old man,

and for no reason other than

you seem to enjoy it.

(laughing)

Yeah.

Okay, you know what, Frank?

You got a bet.

Won't last a month--

Frank is insane!

This place is

paradise, man.

We can really

stretch out, you know?

It-it's quiet,

it's calm.

It's not like the city

where everything is so

stressful, you know?

I'm-I'm just...

I feel at ease.

When was the last time

that we had a home-cooked meal?

Oh, dude...

(stammers)

it's been forever.

Well, my friend, dig in.

Mmm.

Oh, my God.

Mac...

this is incredible.

You like it?

Oh, my God.

Oh, that is such a relief

because I worked so hard on it.

Yeah.

I call it Mac's

famous mac and cheese.

(both laughing)

Okay, well,

I don't know how...

I don't really know

how famous it is.

I mean, I'm your roommate,

and I've never heard of it.

So, what do you want

to do after dinner?

Uh... well, see, the

TV's not hooked up,

so can't watch TV.

Um, there's not really any

bars around here, so...

Right.

You know what

we should do?

Hmm?

Let's just get a

good night's sleep.

That's a good idea.

Yeah.

(faint chirp nearby)

Yeah.

What was that?

What was what?

(chirps again)

You hear that,

that chirping sound?

I did not, no.

Probably a smoke detector

or something like that, huh?

Right, yeah.

No big deal.

Hey, to a great night's sleep.

(crickets trilling)

(low hissing)

(smoke detector chirping)

(fan blades swooshing)

(distant lawn mower humming)

(grunts)

Good morning.

Mm.

Hey, man, did you

hear that...?

Pool filter?

Oh, my God.

It was like a jet engine.

I didn't get any sleep

at all last night, you know?

One noise is so much louder

than all the city noises

combined, you know?

You just, you fixate.

Totally.

I get that, but I-I

was actually talking

about that chirping sound--

did you hear that?

It was, like,

happening all night.

No, I didn't hear that.

Oh, man, it was

driving me nuts.

Yeah.

Anyway, want to roll?

I, uh, got us some music.

I made this Creed mix.

Oh, uh, Creed, huh?

Yeah, it's a long

commute, so...

Yeah, I was thinking more,

like, Bryan Adams.

Okay.

But it-it is Tuesday.

Yeah...

Which is technically

my music day.

Right.

Yeah, and that was cool and all

when it only took us,

like, ten minutes to get to

work, but now we're looking

at, like, an hour

or so commute.

I'm thinking

maybe more my thing.

But, hey, you know what?

Here's an idea.

Why don't you take

a personal day?

You know, I mean, we got

a lot of property here.

It might be nice to have

someone here to look after it.

Yeah.

You know, maybe get

that TV working.

Maybe take a run at that,

uh, pool filter?

Oh.

Huh?

MAN: Hey!

You must be the

new neighbors.

Name's Wally Schmidt.

No relation to Mike.

But don't tell my wife.

(chuckles)

Boy, it sure is a

hot one today, huh?

Okay.

Nice to meet you boys.

What the hell was

that all about?

Just comes up

and starts talking to us?

Right, some guy comes up to me,

I don't know what he's...

I don't know what he's up to.

No. It's like, the whole time,

I'm staring at him, I'm

thinking, does he have a knife?

Are we gonna have to take

this bitch out right now?

No. I don't know.

I don't know.

But it's-it's the city, though.

It-it's forced me to develop

these sharp edges.

For protection, you know?

I got to smooth them out.

We're in the suburbs.

Let's work on it a little bit.

Okay, all right.

Shall we? You know,

'cause now I'm all tense.

I don't want to bring

this energy into work, you know?

Luckily, I got

the commute to relax.

♪ Bought it

at the five and dime... ♪

(horn honking)

Aw, merge, merge!

You had your...

Come on, you got, you have to

seize the goddamn gap!

People are

so goddamn inefficient!

Oh, goddamn it!

I don't care if you're old!

Seize the gap!

You old fat bitch!

You fat bitch!

MAC: So, how was your day?

DENNIS: Good.

How was work?

Any-any good stories?

Charlie and Frank are doing

something with Russian hats now.

Really? What?

I don't know.

I couldn't follow any of it.

What did you do today?

Did you, uh, fix

that pool filter?

Uh... I tried.

But it turns out, it's

actually really complicated,

and I didn't go to school

for that, you know?

Mostly I just tried to get

the living room set up.

It took a little while

to find a stud.

Yeah, I can, I can see that.

Maybe, uh, take another

personal day tomorrow, huh?

You know, maybe I will take

another run at that pool filter.

Maybe try and do

all the other things

that you tried to

do today, but, uh,

you know... do them.

(low hissing)

Shut up, shut up, shut up,

shut up!

(chirping)

Aw, damn it!

What is that?

♪ Played it till

my fingers bled ♪

♪ Was the summer of '69... ♪

(car honks)

What's your plan, huh?

Two miles an hour. There you go.

(horn honks)

Oh, gun it.

Use your signal, you cow!

(tires screech)

Goddamn it.

♪ Jody got married,

I should've known... ♪

Unbelievable.

I don't see what the problem is.

(tires screeching)

Hey. Hey, hey!

Slow down!

Children play here, you fat cow!

Hey, Wally.

Oh, hey.

(chuckles)

Hot one today, huh?

Yeah?!

(door opens)

Oh, that Wally loves to say

"It's a hot one"

when I already know

it's a hot one.

'Cause I'm standing outside

in the hot one.

Thanks a lot, Wally.

You know what?

Tell me about future weather.

Don't tell me

about present weather...

Oh, I didn't realize

we had company.

Hey, Dennis.

This is Jimmy--

he's the pool guy.

I invited him

over for dinner.

Mac, can I speak to you

in the foyer for a second?

Oh, uh...

Sure.

(chuckles)

Excuse us for a second.

Just be a...

just be a...

just be a quick

minute here.

Hey. What?

DENNIS: Come on, man.

You gonna invite some guy

over to my house

that I don't even know.

MAC: I just wanted to have, uh,

somebody over for dinner.

DENNIS: So I got to have dinner

with some guy, "Hey, pool guy."

MAC:

His name is Jimmy!

DENNIS: Jimmy? I don't give

a (bleep) what you do.

MAC: You could ask him about

all sorts of things. I mean...

DENNIS: What do you want me

to ask pool guy?

If he knew shit

that I was interested in,

he wouldn't be

a (bleep) pool guy.

I said I was sorry.

Yeah, yeah. No, I'm

just, uh... (chuckles)

I'm just confused,

you know, I...

Here I am thinking that we

got a pool that's outside.

Eh... I didn't realize

that we had an indoor pool.

Can we just forget about it

and eat our dinner?

It's just so funny.

We got enough money

for two pools.

And yet we don't have enough

money for a recipe book,

'cause here we are eating

mac and cheese again.

You don't know

how hard it is

to be cooped up in here

all by myself, okay?

(laughs)

At least you get

to go to work.

I get to go to work?

Yes.

Oh, everybody, hey,

I "get" to go to work.

I "get" to have a job.

I "get" to have to

make money for us.

Oh, my... You know

what, screw this.

Wh... Oh, oh, yes.

Fine, just walk away

right in the middle...

Dennis!

(thudding)

Goddamn it.

What is that?

(groans)

Son of a bitch.

What...?

Son of a bitch.

The hell you doing?

Oh, do you hear it, too?

I heard you bashing.

Yeah, yeah,

that chirping?

I'm pretty sure

it's a cricket.

Okay, you know what, I'm

gonna say something here,

and it might not

be popular, but...

I hate this place.

Yes.

And I got to get

back to the city.

I'm going nuts.

I miss the city, too.

I miss the action.

You know, I thought this

place would soften my edges,

but they're

sharper than ever.

Dude, I cannot

be cooped up here.

You know, cooking

and cleaning and fixing.

All right, all right,

calm down, calm down.

I... I think I

have an idea.

L-Let's... let's

invite the gang over.

You know, we'll

clean up the place,

we'll serve 'em

a nice dinner,

we'll show 'em how-how

well we're doing,

and I'll feel Frank out

about this bet, you know,

which in retrospect is

completely ridiculous.

How are they gonna

find an old man

that's gonna go

along with it?

Right. Exactly.

(chuckles)

(doorbell rings)

Mac and Dennis, old man.

Old man, Mac and Dennis.

DENNIS (sighs):

Ah...

MAC: So, uh, what's

with the hats?

(Frank and Charlie laugh)

I... You wouldn't

get it. Uh-uh.

Yeah, you kind of

had to be there, man.

Hey, how about

that food, huh?

Mac calls it "Mac's

famous mac and cheese."

And it is famous.

In my stomach.

(laughs)

Is it? I mean, we're your

friends, I've never heard of it.

Hey, guys.

We are having so much fun

at this house.

I'll tell you, I can't believe

we ever lived anywhere else.

But I was just curious,

if we were to lose this bet,

what would

the logistics be, like,

with the old man thing?

FRANK:

Oh.

Well, I'll tell

you what I'll do.

If you guys are cracking,

you can forfeit now,

I'll buy the three of youse

a California king-size bed

to sleep in.

DEE: What?

No, they're not gonna forfeit--

this place is rad.

You want a little

side action?

No, no, no, don't muddy

this with side action.

Dee, don't do it.

I'll take some

side action.

Don't...

Tell you what.

How about, if they win,

I'll take that California

king bed for myself.

Fine, and if they lose,

the three of you got to

sleep with the old man.

(laughs)

DEE:

Fine.

Deal.

Goddamn it.

Excuse me.

I have to piss.

Out of my penis.

Right.

Okay, well, clearly Mac wants

to speak to me in secret.

Uh, so excuse me.

Wha...?

Oh, good, you got my signal.

Yeah, got your signal.

Dude, we're not gonna make it,

we're not gonna make it.

Yeah, dude,

it's cool, man.

W-We'll figure it out.

It's...

No, no, it's not cool.

There's no way

we're gonna make it.

And also, dude,

what's with the hats?

What is with those hats?!

Dennis, I got to know!

They told me the story,

and it didn't make sense,

and now we can't

get it out of them.

Look, dude, I don't

want to sound racist,

but can we just discuss the fact

that it's an old black man?

Yeah, mmm.

It was supposed

to be an old man.

Just an old man.

Now it's a black man.

Dude, that's, like, a whole

other thing. That's two things.

That's two things,

it's two things.

All right,

you know what, let's...

Maybe we just...

we-we just...

we take the California king.

I mean, that's a big bed.

You want to share the bed

with an old black man?

No, of course not, I...

All right,

that sounded racist.

I don't want to share

a bed with an old man.

I'm just saying

it's a big bed,

and we could probably

work it out.

Okay, so picture

big bed, big bed.

Me on the side,

you know, you right here.

Old man, right here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Why am I in the middle? Black

man should be in the middle.

Don't call him "black man."

His name's not "black man."

His name's "old man."

Let's stick with "old man."

Okay.

Just sounds better.

All right,

so how about this?

You and I on the big bed,

side-by-side, black man, he's...

Now you got me doing it.

Mmm.

Old man is down at the bottom,

sideways, like a dog.

Are you calling

black people dogs?

No, that's not what I...

That's very racist.

What the hell is going...?

(gasps)

Oh, my God.

You guys are cracking,

aren't you?

(scoffs)

Nah, it's-it's, like... fine.

Nah, it's fine.

What?!

It's soul-crushing, Dee!

Oh, my God, I can't make

this house into a home.

I didn't go to

school for that.

He didn't go to school for it.

No.

Well, why did you let me

take the side action?!

I told you not to take

the side action!

You bitch! You bitch!

Why didn't you yell it

so I could hear it?

I'm tired of yelling.

Damn it. Now we got to figure

out where Dee goes in the bed.

DENNIS: Oh, right, Dee's

got to be in the bed.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'll tell you exactly

where Dee goes, okay?

Dee goes right

in the goddamn middle

of her brand-new

California king-size bed

all by herself.

How are we even having

this conversation?!

All you boys

have to do...

Guys, all you got to do

to win is just exist.

Hey, morning, buddy.

You're up early.

Yeah, I'm up early,

and I'm feeling great.

You know, I was thinking

about it, and Dee was right.

All we have to do is exist here

for the next couple weeks,

and we win this bet.

So... check

this out.

I made you that.

"Mac's Honey Do List"?

Yep.

That is a list of chores to

give you a sense of purpose,

so you don't feel so

cooped up and lonely.

How's a list of chores going

to make me feel less lonely?

Well, check out

chore number one.

"Name the dog."

Well, that's so stupid.

I don't have a dog.

You sure about that?

Yeah, positive.

I don't have a dog.

I mean, I had Poppins,

but he's gone.

Are you sure?

I don't have a dog.

What do you mean, am I sure?

Of course I'm sure.

I wouldn't

be so sure.

What are you doing?

Why...

What... are you okay?

Look behind you, asshole.

Oh. (gasps)

You got me a dog?

Yeah.

Oh, my God, he's so cute!

I mean, he's no Poppins, but...

Yeah, he's a lot better

than Poppins, trust me.

Oh, Dennis, Dennis.

I'm gonna

name him Dennis.

Huh?

You're Dennis.

He's Dennis Jr.

Weird.

Um, but sure, yeah, that's fine.

Hey, so why don't

you go ahead

and cross number one

off the list there?

See how it feels.

Okay, yeah.

Hey, what's a-a couple weeks

between two best friends, right?

It's whatever we make of it.

So why don't we agree right now

to make these next few weeks

the best of our lives?

You with me, buddy?

I'm with you.

I'm gonna raise this guy

like he was our own son.

Okay.

(laughing)

Yeah. Weird.

♪ I remember when ♪

♪ I remember, I remember

when I lost my mind... ♪

No, don't merge, don't merge.

We're all... we'll all wait!

We'll all wait

for you to send your text!

You fat pig!

How you doing, neighbor?

(whirring)

♪ Does that make me crazy? ♪

Shut up!

(chirping)

♪ Does that make me crazy? ♪

♪ Does that make me crazy?

DENNIS:

I'm not letting you in, pig!

Gonna show up to work,

have everybody be like,

"Why is there blood

all over you?"

'Cause I had to slit

the guy's throat

who causes all the traffic!

Boy, it sure is

a hot one, huh?

♪ Who do you,

who do you think you are? ♪

♪ Ha ha ha, bless your soul ♪

(barking)

(chirping loudly)

♪ You really think ♪

Shut up.

♪ You're in control? ♪

(whirring)

(laughing):

I can't believe it.

♪ Well, I think you're crazy ♪

Goddamn it! Damn it...

I hate the (bleep) suburbs!

♪ I think you're crazy ♪

♪ I think you're crazy... ♪

WALLY:

Hey, buddy.

Haven't seen you

for a bit.

You've probably

been staying inside

to avoid this, uh,

heat wave, huh?

Boy, it's been hot.

It's hot, huh?

Yeah.

It is super hot.

Yeah.

It's getting real hot

around here.

So hot, Wally.

But you don't really know

what hot is, do you?

Hot's a storm.

You ever been in a storm, Wally?

I mean, a real storm?

Not a thunderstorm,

but a storm of fists

raining down on your head.

Blasting you in the face.

Pummeling you

in the stomach.

Hitting you in the chest

so hard

you think

your heart's gonna stop.

You ever been in a storm

like that, Wally?

(screaming)

MAC:

Dennis.

Dennis.

You okay, dude?

Yeah.

Who you talking to?

No one.

What's that?

Dog grave.

Oh.

Anything exciting

happen at work today?

Uh-uh.

Well, I called up there.

They... they said

you weren't even there.

Can we not talk about my day?

Sure.

Perhaps we can talk

about my day.

And how was your day?

Not great.

You know, with the dog dying

and all, but...

somehow, old Mac

pulled it together.

He cooked for you,

and he cleaned for you.

In fact, Dennis,

everything I do,

I do for you.

What are you talking about, man?

I'm talking about

everything I do, I do for you!

And everything you do,

you do for yourself!

Sleeping in your car.

Eating at Applebee's.

Were you spying on me?

Oh, don't you turn this

around on me.

All you do is think

about yourself!

You didn't even notice

that I switched up

the mac and cheese.

Is that what this is about?

The goddamn

mac and cheese?

Well, yeah, I noticed!

You put meat hunks in it!

Wow! Hunks of meat!

Mmm!

Well, of course Dennis

would like Dennis.

What?

It's Dennis!

What are you talking about?

You're eating the dog!

(laughing wildly)

Oh! Oh!

Oh, God! What is

wrong with you?!

I don't know! I guess it was

just a cry for attention!

You didn't even

blink twice

when I told you

that the dog was dead!

I can't live with you anymore

in this goddamn place.

I'm out of here.

I'm gonna go stay

in a hotel.

Where's my suitcase, Mac?

Wait. Wait, wait.

Wait, wait.

Dennis, Dennis,

Dennis, Dennis, Dennis...

Tell me about Mac's

famous mac and cheese.

Okay, I can explain.

I called it my famous

mac and cheese as-as a joke.

But then it seemed

like you like it.

You like that it was

Mac's famous mac and cheese.

And so I just

kept saying it.

You're pathetic.

You're the one

that's sitting at Applebee's

eating pot stickers

all by yourself.

You're the one that's pathetic!

(doorbell rings)

Oh.

Well, that must

be nosy Wally.

Coming to see what all

the fighting's about.

Well... why don't we show him

what all the fighting's about?

Why don't we show

him right now?

Wait, wait, wait!

Dennis, Dennis,

calm down!

Don't you tell me

to calm down.

(smoke alarm chirps)

There's that chirping again.

How are you not hearing that?

News flash, asshole!

I've been hearing it

the entire goddamn time!

Then why wouldn't

you say something?!

Because I hate you!

Oh, my God.

(growls)

(cheering)

You did it!

Look at this!

Huh? We did what?

You got this, man.

In less than a minute...

You're almost there.

...you guys will have

been here a month.

Yep.

We almost...

we almost

won the bet?

Yeah.

We almost did it!

W-W-We almost won the bet?

We're gonna do it!

We're gonna win the bet!

We're gonna win the bet!

Yeah!

Here it is,

paid in full:

one year's rent.

(laughing):

Free rent for a year!

We did it!

We did it!

Free rent for...

Wait.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Free rent for where?

For right here.

Here we go.

In five, four,

three, two, one.

♪ ♪

Hey, guys.

Is he dead?

Yeah, I think so.

Quiet your ass down.

Sorry, black man.

Old man.

Old man.

Sorry, old black man.

Goddamn it.

(trumpet plays off-key fanfare)

Brown.

Captioned by

Media Access Group at WGBH