Original subtitles

DEE:

Hey, guys. Here we go.

I'm ordering it.

MAC:

Drop the bluff, Dee.

No one believes

you're in an actual movie.

You guys are gonna feel

hella stupid when you see me

acting in a feature film.

"Hella." Are we

saying "hella" now?

'Cause I like it.

No, we're not saying

"hella," okay?

No.

Nobody's saying

"hella" anymore.

I never really got to say it.

"Hella" came and went.

Me, neither.

Dee, can we watch

something else?

Can we watch, like,

a superhero movie or something?

This is such a waste of our...

Oh, that's a nice opening shot.

Symmetrical vista.

It's beautiful.

MAC: Directed by

Pedro Vyes. Who's he?

He's, like, this foreign

art house director.

Oh. Ooh...

Foreign director.

Very impressive.

Okay, you guys, be quiet.

This is my scene.

Pretty early for a whiskey.

Or pretty late.

Why don't you make it

a double.

Oh, yeah? A little hair

of the dog that bit you?

(chuckles)

MAC:

Yeah, Dee,

I got to hand it to you.

Y-You've been talking

about doing this for years,

and... Is that Richard Grieco?

Hi.

Aw, Grieco. I love that

guy. Where's he been?

Richard Grieco

is in an art house movie?

That seems odd.

That's a little strange.

Yeah, it's a little stra...

But, you know, they-they always

got to get some kind of a name

in order to finance the mo...

Oh, now he's being blown.

DEE: Right.

(gang exclaiming, laughing)

Okay. Now-now this makes sense.

So, Dee,

you clearly made a porn.

This is a porno!

What? No? It's not

a porn. You guys,

the-the foreigners, they have

a much more evolved view of sex.

This is... this is art.

(woman grunting)

(moans)

Dee, what channel

did you order this from?

Cinemax.

ALL:

Cinemax?!

Cinemax doesn't

make art.

You guys, Pedro is-is

an edgy, foreign director.

Where's he from?

Puerto Rico.

Oh!

Puerto Rico?

Puerto Rico?

Puerto Rico!

MAC:

Oh, man...

Dee, you made a Skinemax flick

with a Puerto Rican pervert.

Congratulations. Good thing

you got us all together.

Listen, hey, I did

not make a smut film.

GRIECO:

Gobble that cock.

(laughter)

MAC: Now, why is Grieco

resorting to Skinemax?

He's got a great career.

He's doing fine.

Actually, it makes sense.

I mean,

erotic films

are very, very in right now.

I mean, Grieco probably didn't

realize he was doing a porn.

I think he thought

he was doing the next

Fifty Shades

of Grey or whatever.

I mean, it's a...

it's a fine line

these days between art and smut.

It really is.

Art's a tricky thing.

The whole art world

is bullshit nowadays.

I mean, like, anything can be

considered art. I'll bet you

Charlie's doodlings could be

considered art by some people.

Well, that's 'cause my drawings

are art.

You're not an artist, dude.

You're drawing with chalk.

No, I'm drawing with marker

and, like, pen and stuff.

I'm just eating the chalk.

Charlie, don't eat chalk.

Well, it settles my stomach.

My stomach's a little...

If your stomach hurts,

eat a Tums.

What's the difference?

One is chalk!

Well, I don't like

wasting Tums.

Tums is very good

to draw with.

This maniac

is an artist?

I'll bet you

if I hung one

of Charlie's doodles

in a modern art gallery,

people would not know

the difference.

Mm. No. No, I disagree.

No, art has to come

from a more meaningful place.

It can't just be silly nonsense.

I mean,

take my erotic memoirs,

for example.

(chuckles)

Now, that was art.

That was smut.

No, dude, what I do is art.

And you know what else?

I think I should film it.

Yeah.

I mean, guys, I'd be a fool not

to ride this erotic tidal wave

our culture seems to be on,

film it,

do the next Fifty Shades

of Grey, my style, you know?

My film would be real,

it would be tasteful,

it would be...

it would be subtle.

It wouldn't be some goddamn

Puerto Rican smut.

I'm down to try this, like,

art gallery idea of yours.

What do you think

Grieco would do?

He wouldn't eat

chalk.

Yes, but I just don't understand

why you're choosing

to dress like

Richard Grieco.

Well, because he's a cool bro

and I'm a cool bro.

I just want to do a Grieco

thing. I'm vibing with it.

I'm vibing with it, man.

Stop saying that you're vibing

and "bro."

You know what, why don't you go

mingle, and Frank and I

will handle this.

Thank you.

All right, you do it.

All right, Frank.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Leave him alone.

Look, here's a spot.

Here's a spot.

What?

Yeah.

Just keep... keep an eye out.

Okay.

That's good. That's good.

Mmm.

(quietly:)

Oh, yeah. Looks perfect.

Oh, wow. I like this one.

Oh.

That's art. That's art.

I like that piece.

Yes, that's...

MAC (whispering):

She's going for it.

She loves it.

She loves it.

She's going for it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

What the hell are you doing?

Whoa. Hey, lady. Lady.

You can't throw

art in the trash.

Oh, that wasn't art.

It was garbage.

Wait, wait, wait a second.

Wait a second.

I mean, how-how is that art

and this is trash?

I mean, who's to say, really?

Well, I'm to say.

It's my gallery. (chuckles)

Okay. Then please explain to me

how that is art

and this is garbage.

Well, it's all about context.

The story behind each piece

is part of what endows it

with meaning.

For example, this artist

worked for

30 years

before finally finding

his voice.

He left his home

when he was a boy

to escape the Nazis,

fled to Paris,

and painted the poor children

he saw in the streets.

♪ ♪

(man shouting in German)

The ambiguity he

uses to paint children

and animals.

(dog barking, monkey screeching)

His work

provokes.

It raises

questions.

Are we children?

(children chattering)

Are we animals?

(all sounds overlapping)

Are children animals?

♪ ♪

(overlapping sounds rewinding)

MAC: If it's context you

want... Context. Okay.

Well, the artist that did this,

his life is, like, total shit.

I mean, like, way worse

than this Nazi painter.

Oh. Hey, Charlie?

Yeah, uh... What-what

are you doing, man?

What's up, bro?

Hey, uh,

this is Charlie. He's the,

uh... he's the artist.

C-Could you tell the lady

how your... Don't do that.

Okay, can you just explain to

her how your life is garbage

so that she...

It's not sw...

Oh, my life's pretty sweet, bro.

Hang out at a bar all day

with my bros.

You know? Go on lots of

adventures. I'm really kind of

a sweet businessman

when I think about it.

He's an illiterate janitor whose

mother tried to abort him in...

Frank, Frank,

tell her, please.

Huh?

What is it?

What-what is it?

It's-it's what we discussed.

It's what we've been discussing.

Oh.

Tell her that Charlie's life

is a piece of shit. Please.

Thank you.

I've got one

of those hella sweet lives...

Stop saying "hella"!

He doesn't...

he doesn't normally

say "hella."

I don't know where

he picked this up.

I'm sorry.

I'm just not interested.

Okay,

well, wait, wait,

we just need to take one...

I'm not interested, either.

I go for more

of the Pam Anderson type,

you know what I mean?

Oh, my God. Okay, look...

I'm not interested.

Goddamn it.

Why did I even bring you two?

"A man enters.

"The room wouldn't be the

only thing he'd enter that day.

His name was Dennis."

I'm-I'm sorry--

what is happening?

"Silence."

Okay.

"He said. 'A woman's mouth

"'is not for the exiting

of words

"but for the entrance

of a man's... dick.'

"And then he did

put it in there.

In her mouth, I mean."

Okay.

And then they-they have sex

all over the library.

Okay, I, uh,

I-I'm sorry, I don't know

what's happening here.

You must think

I'm somebody else.

Look, look. Sure, I could

leave here right now,

I could take this to Frank

and he would finance it.

But he's gross, you know?

He's basically, like,

the Cinemax of humans.

Okay, I think I'm catching up

here. So you want to make a film

based on the pornographic book

you're reading from.

Look... this is my

Fifty Shades of Grey, lady.

All right? Was the guy

who wrote that gross?

It was written by a woman.

Na... You... no, I know.

That it was written by a woman.

Everybody knows that.

Yeah, but that's why you needed

to let me get to the...

This was also written

by a woman. Yeah.

Writ-Written and to be

directed by...

my sister.

What do you think?

(doorbell rings)

Hey, Dee.

(door closes)

Dee, you're not doing

anything that matters, right?

You know, I think I'm

finally figuring out

this editing software, and I

have to say I put together

a pretty prime-time

acting reel here.

I doubt it.

Don't show it to me. I don't...

♪ ♪

Pretty early for a whiskey.

A little hair of the dog

that bit you?

Using a multi-tiered distribu...

Multi-level marketi...

The Invigaron system.

♪ ♪

Brains.

♪ ♪

It i...

it's missing something,

isn't it?

Nah, it's great.

Uh, Dee,

you know what I think

the real problem, though,

with the acting business is?

Uh-huh?

Every actor these days

is a multi-hyphenate.

They're doing everything--

they're writing,

they're directing,

you know.

Mm.

So here's a thought I just had.

How would you like to, um,

direct my erotic memoirs?

I've always wanted to direct.

And you want me to do it?

Yeah, yeah.

Smart.

Smart. You bring

a female perspective in.

Mm-hmm.

It's a very interesting

layer. I like that.

Yeah, it's-it's a good layer.

That's really smart of you.

Yeah, I'll do that.

I'll do that for you.

Okay, so, um... great.

So you'll do that,

and, um...

Yeah, yeah.

now we just need a star that we

can attach on-on short notice.

Don't worry, I got... I got

an idea. I got a lot of ideas.

All right, what about

this one? You know,

I had a dream about, um,

you know, boiled eggs.

So, I, uh...

Okay. What do the...

what do the eggs represent?

Eggs, you know? Like,

uh... from a chicken.

Just eggs? No.

Charlie, you're not getting it.

I need you to draw something

that's profound, you know?

That comes from someplace deep.

But is also childlike

and stupid, to prove my point.

Hey, bro, uh, maybe stop telling

me what to do all the time,

you know? 'Cause if you tell

me what to do, then, like,

you know, that's, like,

I got, like, a lame,

kind of square dude telling me

what to do, you

know? And that's

not really where

art comes from.

Okay, you...

And so I'm gonna draw eggs

that represent eggs, bro.

And it's gonna... it's

gonna be hella cool, man.

You're gonna

like these eggs.

Can I ask you a question?

Do you... do you

want to sell this art or not?

Bro, is this about

making money for you

or is it about

proving your point?

Like, I don't even

know what it is, man.

It's becoming about both

for me. I don't know

what it's becoming for you.

Come on, man.

I'm ripping this up.

I'm ripping this up.

That's it.

Bro, stop ripping up

my art, man!

Get in there!

Okay.

You stink!

Ugh.

I found him turning tricks

in the scrap metal yard.

Good news, Charlie. We're

gonna use Cricket now.

Oh. Use me how?

Use what part of me?

Relax. You are gonna be

the face of Charlie's art.

What? Why, man?

Because he's got, like,

the worst life imaginable,

and that's clearly

what those people want.

That's true, I do have

the worst life.

(chuckles)

You know what, Cricks, why

don't you come over here,

why don't you tell Charlie

what to draw.

Okay.

Tell me wh... I don't

want to draw his drawings.

No, Charlie,

this is gonna work, all right?

Just jump on board,

jump on board. Okay, go ahead.

All right, bro... bro.

Oh, all right, fine.

Talk to me, brother.

What's up?

What is he doing?

He's doing, like,

a Grieco thing.

Okay. Uh, all right.

Well, what do you

want to hear about?

You want to hear

about a... dog orgy

or when a cat bit off my toe?

Dog orgy, brother.

CRICKET:

Dog orgy. Okay.

This is going great.

Okay, now, Frank, I need you

to go talk to that gallery

owner. Convince her to come

to Paddy's for an art opening

that we're gonna have here.

Oh.

You know? Flash

a little cash.

Pretend you're, like,

a high-society art type.

Oh, I got this. I-I used to hang

with an art crowd in the '70s.

I know these people.

O-Okay. All right. But-but...

play it subtle, all right?

Subtle. Yeah.

Frank. Play it subtle.

(whispers):

Subtle.

Hello!

Hello?

Ango Gablogian,

the art collector.

Charmed, I'm sure.

Yes.

I'm gonna invite you to a show.

Okay.

But first...

allow me to destroy

your gallery.

Oh.

Bullshit.

Bullshit.

Derivative.

That... I love.

I absolutely love.

Um, that's just

the air conditioner.

I want it.

It's everything.

I mean, look at us.

We're just air conditioners.

I mean, after all,

we're just walking around

on the planet, breathing,

conditioning the air.

Right.

I condition it hot,

that conditions it cold.

I mean, it's symbiotic, no?

No, it is.

I mean, we're just

the air conditioners

walking around

on this planet,

screwing each

other's brains out.

So true. I never

thought of it like that.

♪ ♪

Oh... hello, you.

(gunfire, explosions)

This room won't be

the only thing

that I'll be entering today.

Hey, teach.

DEE: Cut!

A woman's mouth is not

for exiting of words,

but for the entrance

of a man's penis.

DEE: Cut!

DENNIS: Grieco, Grieco,

Grieco, come on, man.

Shoot her tits. I need some...

I need a couple... Just...

Get mostly tits on this

one. Lots of emotion.

And I want to feel

a little bit of, uh,

of sadness coming from

your tits. And, action.

A woman's mouth...

DEE: Cut!

"Not for the exiting of words,

it's for the entrance..."

Dee, can you

just let him...

GRIECO: Is there really...

is there really a frigging

difference between "exiting"

and "entering"?

Hey! Excuse me, every...

You know what?

Is there a difference between

"exiting" and "entering"?

GRIECO:

I know there is, but is there...

but words exit.

Okay, okay, you know what?

I-I need a seaweed break.

Grieco, you've had 15

packages of seaweed today.

Guys, Richard needs

a seaweed five.

Another...?

Oh, goddamn it!

Can we just get

the scene, please?

Just like it was

in high school?

You know, about that.

What exactly happened

in high school?

'Cause it sounds like

you had sex with a teacher.

Uh, well, no, she

wasn't a teacher.

She was a hot

young librarian.

Are you talking about

Ms. Klinsky?

Yeah.

She was like 50.

Yeah, she looked

good for her age.

She looked like

Rick Moranis.

Moranis was always in

pretty good shape, yeah.

Plus, when she took

her hair out of the bun,

she went from

Moranis to Alanis.

Gross. You were 14.

So, technically,

you were raped.

It wasn't rape.

Can't rape a guy.

Huh?

You can't rape...

I was... I was willing.

You know, you can't

rape... I mean, it's cool.

Like, I bedded an older

woman. That's cool.

Right, Grieco?

You know what?

Let me use your pain

in the scene.

What are you

talking about?

You can't use somebody

else's pain, Grieco.

Do you know how

acting works?

Look... (exhales)

Touch my finger...

and transfer your pain

into me.

DEE: Mm-hmm, it's a good idea.

Touch... touch my finger.

I'm not touching

your finger, man.

I'm not touching

your finger!

Dennis.

Seriously, touch my finger.

What the hell is...?

You know what?

Why don't you just shoot

me doing the goddamn scene?

I'll seduce

the librarian.

You know what? That seaweed's

making me a little sick.

Uh, can I get a chalk break

or something like that?

Uh-oh.

♪ ♪

I call this one

"Dog Three-Way."

'Cause I was recently

in a dog three-way.

Actually, four with

me, so, four-way.

I was in a dog orgy.

God, he's making a mockery

of my art, bro.

Oh.

DENNIS:

Well,

the shoot was

a total disaster.

Dee's incompetent

and a bitch, which we all knew.

But, I mean, Richard Grieco.

The man is obsessed

with seaweed. It's...

Pump your brakes.

You met Grieco?

Yeah, I met Grieco.

Yeah, he-he was in my movie,

but, uh, it didn't go very well.

What-what are you doing?

Are you doing a Grieco thing?

Yeah, I'm doing a Grieco thing,

'cause-'cause Grieco's the man.

You know, is he the man?

No, not really.

Ah, he's not the man?

No, he's, he's-- yeah, no.

Hello, boys.

Is that how you played it?

That is way over the top.

What are you talking about? This

is it. This is the way they are.

Frank, did you buy

an air conditioner?

Yes, and

I bought a painting for $35K.

Why?

Because I liked it,

and that's what it cost.

Is nobody understanding

what we're trying to do?

(door opens, closes)

I am trying to prove

that this is all bullshit,

and you guys are all

buying into it.

Oh. Oh, ho, ho, ho.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

Here's the darling.

Oh.

That sold me...

not a painting.

Mm.

A revelation.

Oh. Hi, Ango.

Oh, oh.

WOMAN:

Mm. (laughing)

Oh. Oh, great.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you, Ango.

Yes.

Thank you

very much.

And thank you

for coming.

Oh. Oh,

my pleasure.

Yes, we have... we

have many paintings by

our featured artist,

Rickety Cricket.

Ah...

Okay, well, Ango

clearly has a great eye.

I do have

a great eye.

So I'm excited

to see what you have.

Yes, yes. Well, here

we have a Cricket.

Oh.

Yes, yes, and, uh, here

we have another Cricket.

Uh-huh.

And, uh...

Oh, here we have

the artist himself.

This is Rickety Cricket.

Hey-o.

Wow.

Yeah, he literally

has the worst life imaginable.

(laughing):

He ain't lying.

So now you got some perspective

and some context.

Uh-huh.

And like a story or whatever

it is that you people need,

so...

Uh-huh.

We don't have

to talk numbers right now,

but I feel like it should be...

DEE: Hey, guys.

I figured this art opening

would be the perfect place

to premiere

my directorial debut.

No, Dee, absolutely not.

That's a hard "no."

MAC:

Yeah.

(piano plays gentle melody)

(orchestra joins in)

DENNIS:

Oh, come on. There were...

No, Dee.

This is ridiculous.

♪ ♪

(orchestra plays upbeat,

fast-paced music)

Hey, hoser, remember when

I raped you in the library?

Hoser, hoser, hoser, hoser,

hoser, hoser, hoser...

Okay, thank you. Thank you very

much. I'm sorry. That was, uh...

That's not part

of the, uh, whole thing.

It's very disturbing.

It's very avant-garde.

Mm-hmm.

What do

you think it's all worth?

Good question.

Ango, what do you think?

Millions.

I'd trade my

limbs for it.

Well, the market is dictated

by what people will pay, so...

Well, right, but how much

are you willing to pay for it?

Me?

Yeah.

(laughs)

Oh, no, no.

I'm really not interested

in buying anything.

But you own

an art gallery.

Oh, no. Oh.

I rent an art gallery,

or more accurately,

my parents rent one for me.

What?!

So that painting I bought

from you was worthless?

Of course not.

It meant something to you.

It's worth

exactly what you paid.

I want to

sell it back.

Okay.

In that exchange,

it would only be worth

what I would pay for it,

which is, again, um, nothing.

I-I don't get it.

When is stuff art?

Uh, hey, guys,

guys, um, if I may,

I think I can

sum this all up.

You see, art

is an ambiguous thing, yeah?

Yeah, just because you make

some art, it doesn't mean

that you're an artist.

But, also, it does mean

you're an artist.

But does it mean

that that art

is good art?

Is art good just because

the right people say it's good?

Yes. Yes.

That's-that's how it works.

Yeah, but keep in mind,

you know,

a lot of modern art is...

is trash.

I mean, it's shitty.

It's not...

You know, it's not good.

It's terrible.

You know? And yet,

it's a fine line

between Van Gogh and Van Damme,

you know,

between Depp and Grieco,

between Banksy and Charlie,

that makes it very difficult to

determine what's good art.

You know, what's high art?

What has worth?

What has meaning?

Yeah?

But if one thing

has become abundantly clear

to me today--

and it should be to all of you,

as well--

is that I wasn't raped.

We had a good time, she and I.

Yeah. It was a...

it was a two-way road.

The whole thing was... mutual.

And the woman in no way

looked like Rick Moranis.

You know?

She totally did. I remember

her. Remember her?

Yeah.

Um...

Real dog.

I wouldn't even sleep with her.

(trumpet playing off-key)

Brown.

Captioned by

Media Access Group at WGBH