Original subtitles

STACEY: No, I've tried that

and it just does the thing where it shakes in the middle.

GAVIN: What do you mean?

You know, like it's telling you off, shaking its head at you, like, brr!

Are you doing it all lower case? I thought it was upper case?

No, it's always been lower case... Capital C...

..and capital Y and, remember, the O isn't an O...

It's a zero, yeah, I know. ..it's a zero.

Oh, right, that's it.

I'm in. Why's it so urgent, anyway?

I'm tracking something, I am.

It should have arrived by now.

So, unless it turns up tomorrow, come Christmas Day

Caitlin and Megan are going to have masses to open

and all Harri will get is a microscope and a selection box...

BOTH: ..and he doesn't even want a microscope.

What about the remote control car? That's what I'm waiting for!

Mum! Hang on, Gav.

Cait! You should be asleep!

My ear hurts!

I'll be there now, in a minute!

Hey, it's like old times this, innit, babe?

You down there, me in Essex...

I know.

So, how was it? The dinner?

I bet they spend loads more money on a Head Office do than a Welsh one.

It was all right, food was nice...

Mum! Harri, what you doing still up?

Will you tell Megan? She's winding me up,

saying I'm only going to get a microscope for Christmas?

I better go. What time you leaving, then, tomorrow?

Well, Dad wants to be on the road by three,

so I reckon about seven?

Lush. I can't wait to see you.

Only 18 hours to go now, babe.

Bloody hell, Pam! We're only going for two nights!

You know I like to be prepared, Michael.

And the last time we was there for Christmas

the meal was inedible!

The woman can't cook. Hey, it was fine!

And, anyway, Bryn's cooking this year. You know that.

Oh, which reminds me, do NOT let me forget the Christmas puddings.

He's been going on about them since October.

We don't need any of this and we don't need these...

Why are you taking these?!

I am not using Gwen's towels.

No way, Jose.

It's like drying yourself with Ryvita.

A towel is a towel.

She prides herself on saying that her towels were a present.

So?

A wedding present, Michael!

She got married in 1982!

Insect spray?! Oh, for the love of God!

Oh, well, you've got a short memory, I must say.

Christmas 2017?

The bites on my ankles from Gwen's infested mattress?

Don't be ridiculous.

You had an allergy to the glitter on those novelty socks.

Look, you know the deal.

We alternate.

Last year was our turn, this year it's them.

But I just love it when everyone comes to us.

My girls and little Harri...

We're still going be with them, though, Pam.

I know.

And I do love Gwen, Mick. You know I do.

It's just we've got different standards.

Don't take the towels, babe.

OK.

But the mattress topper's coming with.

Morning!

Oh, here he is, my little prince.

How did it go yesterday? You were asleep when we got in.

Yeah, the lunch was good, but the meeting was pointless.

I don't know why they made me come up, to be honest.

I don't care.

I'd tell them to make you come up every week if I could.

Mum, why are you taking a Bear Grylls Survival Kit?

STACEY: Harri!

Harri, come back!

You're going to Nana Gwen's!

Here he is, Batman!

Hi, Uncle Bryn.

Don't worry! I got him.

BRYN WHISTLES

HE PUFFS

He doesn't do it anymore, does he?

He used to love that.

No, they're all hyped up about tomorrow, they are.

They're hyped up? How do you think I feel?!

In less than 24 hours, Stace... Come on!

..I will be cooking Christmas dinner...

..for over 13 people. For over 13 people, yes, I know.

Right, come on, in you get.

Hiya, Nana! Hi! white Hiya! Hiya, love.

Any luck with the plate warmer, Gwen?

No. I text Glenda but she can't remember me lending it her.

Of course, I know I did, but there's no telling Glenda!

You can't argue with Glenda. Oh, she's such a bitch!

We've got one with the candles you can borrow.

You know the tea lights? Like you get when you're having a curry?

I do know the type, Stace, but I'm going to say no

because I won't feel at ease with a naked flame on the table.

Fair play.

Right, I got to get on.

Best behaviour, now, for Nana.

Yeah. OK.

Text me if there's anything you need. Bye, love!

See ya, wouldn't want to be ya! Now, Gwen...

..are you ready for the demonstration?

Because tomorrow morning, during prep,

I will need to be able to contact you at the drop of a Christmas hat.

But you only live across the road, Bryn.

Can't you just nip over or phone me or something?

Gwen. Please don't start.

Because I for one have no time for your negative energy right now.

Bryn to Gwen. Bryn to Gwen. Over.

Hello.

Copy that. Roger, Roger.

Thank you, Roger.

DOORBELL RINGS

Smithster! Gav-ah-lar!

Please enter the establishment, my fine friend.

Wait, hold on.

Are you asking me to step in?

What?

Are you asking me to...

Step into Christmas Step into Christmas

We can watch the snow fall forever and ever

Eat, drink and be merry

Come along with me

Step into Christmas

The admission's free.

Pamel-ar-r-r! You festive mix of cheese and rose!

Smithy, my darling!

Michael, coming through with a big, swinging energy.

What can I get you? Oof! I'm struggling to be honest, Mick.

You should've seen me last night.

I was apopoleptic.

I can't remember a thing. Oh, no! Oh, no!

Whole night's a blur. I'm a joke, Pam.

Left to my own devices, you see.

Sonia's gone to her grandad's early,

he's at his works do, which sounds quite frankly,

boring as S, H, I, shit.

It weren't THAT bad. Where were you, anyway?

Started at The Coach And Horses, then we went to The Crown,

then ended up at, wait for it, you're not going to believe this...

..Vodka Revolution.

Oh... No! You went to Revs?

It was absolutely tragic.

We was the oldest people in there by 25 years.

Guess who was in there? Chinese Alan's kids.

One of them's a bouncer! Oh...

You should've called me. I'd have come and met you.

I had all intents and purposes to but I left my phone in the Chicken Cottage, didn't I?

I didn't get it back till 10 o'clock this morning.

That didn't go down well with the missus, I can tell you.

Oh, we're really looking forward to meeting Sonia.

I know Mick has already, but...

Well, not really, Pam. I mean, I waved to them

coming out the carwash, he couldn't drive away fast enough.

It's not a big deal, is it?

You've been going out with her for a year and no-one's even met her yet.

11 months, actually, and you're all going to meet her tomorrow, so let's just chill out, yeah?

Right, what's wrong with this shower? I'll take a look at it and then we can get going.

It's really good of you to take care of all this. Christmas Eve and all that.

Don't you worry about that, Michael.

I'm charging you double time, aren't I?

Oh, charming! Smithy!

MECHANICAL WHIRRING

Now, listen, I made it clear from the get-go

that eyes are not my strong point...

..so I've done him wearing shades, all right?

Cheers, Ness.

How much I owe you?

Nothing. It's on the house.

It's the least I can do, given what went on with you and me.

Come on, I've got to give you something.

Fair enough. 60 quid.

It says 40, b'there.

Oh, Darren! Stop messing with my head!

Either you wants to give me something or you doesn't.

I'd give you the world, Ness. You only has to ask.

And what do you reckon your wife'd say to that?

Sorry.

Hiya, Ness! Hiya, Dar! Oh, let's have a look!

Oh, lush!

I love Des Lynam.

Right. We're done.

Begone.

Will I see you tonight down The Dolphin, like?

Oh!

Begone.

Sorry.

Where to's Neil? The Baby?

Glueing down the pennies.

Oh.

Oh!

Oh, Neil!

Oh, Neil! The Baby!

You nearly finished? Cos we'll be hitting the road in a bit.

Yeah, I just got to fill the grabbers.

Tidy.

All right, Stace? What's occurrin'?

Oh, Ness, I'm not remotely Christmassy.

I know.

I mean, it's Christmas Eve and I've still got presents to buy.

That is so not me! I'm normally all done by November.

Did you get Gwen a bath bomb?

Yes.

And what to d'you get Gav in the end?

Oh, we're not doing presents this year.

We're getting new kitchen cupboards, we are.

In the sales.

That's really boring, isn't it?

I'm not going to lie, Stace,

that's the worst present I ever heard of.

And last year I gave Bryn some Strepsils.

It wasn't my idea, it was Gav's.

I wanted to go on a family trip to Disneyland Paris

but he said, "No, let's get cupboards for the kitchen

"and just take the kids to Chessington."

That's what you calls a compromise.

And you knows what they says about compromise.

It's a coitus killer.

What?

Coitus. Copulation.

The art of sexual congress.

Right.

Things still not cooking with you two on that front?

It's non-existent.

You and Smithy have probably had sex more recently than me and Gav.

And you two haven't done it in a year.

11 months, all told.

But you used to be regular as clockwork!

Every second Friday! Every second Friday, I know.

But since this new lady's been in his life,

he's not been giving me diddly.

I didn't like to ask, but how you managing?

I've had to be self-sufficient.

'Course, there's been the odd scrag-end

tossed my way on the island,

but that don't even touch the sides.

You know, it's not that we don't want to.

We do! We just never have time. Or energy.

Or nothing.

Marriage is a tricky business, Stace.

You've got to keep the spark alight.

So, you're saying I should get Gav a Christmas present?

No.

I'm saying keep the home fires burning.

Cos, once you lets that flame go out,

you'll find you're in a world of pain.

And forget the presents.

No-one remembers the presents.

That's why I'm giving everyone exactly the same thing.

Aw! What're you getting us this year?

Taps.

You're not going to believe this,

but guess whose house I got called out to the other day?

I meant to tell you. Who?

Mr Higston. white No way! Yeah.

His dishwasher weren't draining. I met his wife and everything.

Did he remember you? 'Course he did!

I just wanted to go up to him and go...

FAUX SCOTTISH ACCENT: "Oi! You! Out!"

Get oot, now! You, you, get oot! Get out ma classroom!

You! Get oot. Get oot ma class, ye fat bastard!

Get oot! Out now! Oot!

Right, you take that and pass me that.

Cheers.

You know we're only winding you up about Sonia, don't you?

I'm really looking forward to meeting her. Yeah, it'll be good.

I love a Christmas down Barry.

Plus, I get to see Stacey's meltdown when she realises

you were completely serious about buying her kitchen cupboards.

You're obsessed with this! I just think it's weird, Gav.

It's Stacey. She's going to expect a present.

So, what have you got Sonia?

Well, this is where I've been quite clever, see. Go on.

I've told her that I've sent her present ahead

to her grandad's house, where we're going.

She'll get to open it on Boxing Day.

Right, and what is it?

Again, quite clever.

I've bought her...

..a ring.

What, like a ring ring?

Yeah. Like an engagement ring?!

Yeah, she showed me the one she liked when we was down Blue Water...

Are you joking?!

..so I went home and ordered

the exact same one, give or take, on eBay.

Hang on a minute, you're getting married? To Sonia?

Well, yeah. Engaged.

But I haven't even met her yet. No-one has.

Deano has. He likes her. Deano?!

Can't say she likes him much, though.

Deano can barely spell his own name!

I can't believe you're getting married

and this is how you're telling me! What's the big deal?

I've got to do it at some point and, this way,

I haven't got to fork out for two presents. The ring IS the present.

That's no reason to propose!

Everyone else is married! You've been married for 10 years!

Yeah, I know, but... I'm getting left behind!

Dirtbox is divorced! Budgie's a grandad!

What about Nessa? Have you told her?

No, I haven't seen her, have I? Well, you see her every other weekend

and sometimes on a Wednesday. Neil's always there.

She's the mother of your child! I think she deserves to know, mate! How you getting on?

Dad, you are not going to believe this... Right, hang on. Can we just...? Do you mind? Yeah?

Looking good, Mick. Have a look at this. I think we're done.

No wonder it wasn't draining. I know.

DOORBELL RINGS

PAMELA: Mick! I'll get it!

Just keep it under your hat, yeah?

Dawn!

It's done, Mick.

Over. What?

It is over.

35 years...

35 years I've been married to that man

and it's gone, in an instant,

down the drains!

Pammy! Oh, what is it now?

No, you are going to be disgusted!

Dawn...

Enjoy this moment while he is still the Pete you knew

- good old, salt of the Earth Peter Sutcliffe -

because what I'm about to tell you will shatter everything

you ever believed about that poisonous little dwarf.

Mick, open that bottle of wine.

Open two bottles, Mick, because...

..oh, Pam, the humiliation.

Just tell us, Dawnie.

Yeah, and whatever it is we'll get through it.

I'm just too embarrassed to tell you! The secrets! The lies!

The manipulation!

Is he a cross-dresser? Because that's perfectly normal, my love.

Pam! Thanks.

Here you go.

It's Pete.

He's a junkie.

You what?!

He's a drug addict, Michael.

He's addicted to drugs.

What you talking about?!

Pete?

So, we're in the car.

We've had a cracking day.

We did the last of the shopping,

we put flowers on his mother's grave,

we even shared a Nando's.

Pete was in a lovely mood.

Now I know why.

Been off his tits all morning, hasn't he?!

High as a lark!

But I don't understand, Dawn! How did you find out?

We were on our way home.

And I needed to charge the phone.

I was going to give you a call,

see if we could pop round this afternoon,

cos you mentioned we could last Thursday

so I thought, right, I'll just call, but my battery was low.

So, I open the glove box in search of a charger,

I'm rustling around in there and what do I find?

A syringe? Pills?

I find...

..this!

Cannabis!

Is that it?!

I'm sorry?

Bloody hell, Dawn! What?!

A bit of weed? Know what I mean?

It's hardly Breaking Bad!

It's a gateway drug, Michael.

It's how it all starts!

Dawn, it's a bit of spliff!

Well, me and Mick used to smoke it all the time before Gavin was born.

Did you?

Yeah, now and again!

Well, it don't make us junkies, though, does it?

So, where'd he get it, anyway?

No doubt from his dealer.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

He claims...he claims...

..it was given him in the Secret Santa.

I mean, what sort of idiot does he take me for?

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, my Christ. So, where is he now?

In the car.

When I found it, I jumped out at the lights.

For God's sake...

I did.

I rolled out the car by the Shell garage.

She here?

In the kitchen.

Dawn, what is wrong with...?

GET AWAY FROM ME, SKAGHEAD!

Calm down, Dawn, calm down. Easy, Dawn, easy.

It was a joke, Mick. From the young lads at work.

I got it in the Secret Santa.

Oh, here we go.

I was actually quite touched

that they were including me, like I was one of them.

Yeah, they all thought it was hilarious,

but my wife, apparently, thinks I've turned into Zammo from Grange Hill!

Are you telling me that you never even touched it?

ALL: YES!

You promise me, Peter?

Because I cannot fall from our Trust Tree again.

If you fall, I will catch you.

You're the only drug I'll ever need, Dawn.

Oh, my Pete!

I'm so sorry!

If you're lost and you look

BOTH: And you will find me

Time after time

If you fall, I will catch you

I'll be waiting... I will be waiting!

Time after time

Time after time

Time after time.

Santa baby

Slip a sable under the tree For me

I've been an awful good girl

Santa baby

Hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa baby...

Only me!

Hiya!

Golly! For a moment there I thought it was Gwen.

Sometimes, you know, you are the spit of your mother.

Thanks a lot. My pleasure.

Now, I need to check the dimensions of your oven.

Again?

Well, you may jest, Stace,

but when it comes to roasting trays and ovenware and the what not,

you can never be too careful,

and after all,

tomorrow is too big a day for me to be taking foolish risks.

Next year I could be just as good

If you'll check off my Christmas list...

Yes! Exactly as expected.

Now, then, tell me,

has Dic Powell come a-calling yet?

Ah, don't think so.

Because I know he's on the prowl.

Now, if he does knock on, shut the door in his face.

Do not let him in.

Why don't you just pay him?

Because I am not forking out good money, Stace,

for a pot of bread sauce, which is essentially nothing more than

a container full of Ready Brek.

Come on, it's cold out here!

Hiya. Oh, we've had a lovely day!

They've been good as gold.

Oh, Bryn, Dic Powell just knocked on, looking for you.

Said you owe him &163;5 for the bread sauce.

Anyway, I paid him, so now you owe me, all right?

What time are the Essex lot getting here?

Er, they should have left by now.

Smithy?

Come on, we should've left by now.

It's done. I'm all done, look.

You in a mood? Nope, I'm fine.

You seem like you're in a mood. Why would I be in a mood?

You know, cos of the Sonia thing.

I just think it's a bit quick, that's all... Bit quick?!

You and Stacey was wham, bam, bum, married and moved in

in the time that me and her... Hang on. What's that?

MUSIC PLAYS FROM NEXT ROOM

Say, I don't like cricket

Oh, no

I love it...

Smithy, darling! Ha-ha!

Oh!

What the hell's goin' on?

Woo!

Oh, my little prince!

No, don't!

HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER

Don't you take it!

Oh, you!

HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER

BOTH: Away in manager

No crib for a bed

The little Lord Jesus...

Oh, Ness, come on, man.

This is the fourth time you've done us now.

You've, you've been carolling for weeks!

Since November the 6th.

You knows me. Like clockwork.

We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas... This is ridiculous!

Oh, Emlyn. We can stay here as long as it takes.

I got no shame.

Now give us a pound, we'll be on our way.

I've got no cash on me. No worries.

I takes cards, though there is a &163;10 minimum.

Joyce!

You got any cash?

She's back.

Silent night

Holy night

All is calm, all is bright.

You can have a pound. That's your lot. Cracking.

Merry Christmas, Emlyn.

Merry bloody Christmas.

That's it. We're done.

Your dad'll be arriving soon.

Are you looking forward to seeing him? Yeah, I am, as it goes.

Tidy. Me too.

Those sleigh bells ring, ring, ring

Whole room is bling, bling, bling

So many fairy lights...

Nanny Pammy! Grandpa!

Aw! Harri! My little prince's prince!

Harri!

Oh, Dad!

Hey! Ha-ha! There he is!

How are you, buddy? Are you good?

All right? All right? How's it going? Yeah, good. How was your journey?

Yeah, it was all right. The roads were pretty quiet.

Babe, I missed you!

I was only gone 24 hours!

My boy!

Hello, Gwen, sorry we're a bit late.

How was the journey, all right?

Yeah, yeah, the roads were really quiet.

And what's this I hear about you lot on the wacky baccy?

Don't look at me, I didn't have any.

I was high as a pipe, Gwen.

It took me right back. I'll bet.

I'd do it more often, if it wasn't for the munchies.

I put away four packets of Frazzles and two Kit-Kats on the way up!

Welcome, welcome, one and all!

Blimey, Bryn, you're starting early!

Well, it's all in the prep, you see, Mick.

Now Smithy, my boy,

I'm putting a double Lilo for you and Sonia

in Neil the Baby's bedroom, but as yet it's not been inflated.

Oh, don't worry, Brynlar. We'll sort it tomorrow.

I'll just go on the sofa tonight.

And Pam, you and Mick are at mine, in the spare room.

Now, are you sure, Gwen?

Cos we don't want to put you to any trouble.

I mean, we can go up the Travelodge, can't we, Mick?

Save using your sheets, and stuff, and towels.

Oh, no, no, don't be daft, I wouldn't dream of it!

Pam, I'll just drop this off now at Gwen's,

and then I'll come back and relieve you of your Christmas puddings, Mrs!

BRYN LAUGHS

Oh, my Christ! Mick, we've got to go back!

Smithy, give us the keys.

What? Go back? Don't be ridiculous!

They were on the draining board!

I can see them in my mine's isle.

Why didn't you remind me, Mick!

I DID remind you, several times.

It's fine, Pam. We'll figure something out.

We could have my Boxing Day trifle, if you like.

No, no, no. I don't mind.

It's a trifle, Gwen. A Boxing Day trifle.

How is that going to feed over 13 people?

I'm so sorry, Bryn.

We were all so stoned!

I can't remember leaving the house.

It's fine, Pam, it really is.

Or we could nip to Morrisons. Leave it, Gwen.

It's open till nine, and if not,

I'm sure CostCutters won't be shutting for a while.

It's Christmas Eve, Gwen! Think!

Right. Morrisons is open till eight.

We'll call by there on the way to the pub

and see if they've got any puddings left, and if not,

we'll get a load of Arctic Rolls and strudels or something.

Mick, you are always so calm in a crisis,

isn't he, Pam?

Like Richard Gere.

Christmas! The snow's coming down...

Right.

I'm wearing this. What do you think?

Yeah, you look lovely.

You didn't even look up.

You look great. You always look great.

Gav... What?

..we've got 15 minutes.

Do you want to...

..you know?

What, you mean now? Yeah!

Well, I haven't had a shower, I'm a bit stinky.

I don't mind. Shall we?

Yeah, go on, then. Oh, don't sound too enthusiastic!

No, I'm up for it, I just didn't see it coming, that's all.

Right.

OK, let's do this. Sexy times.

Sexy times. Don't call it sexy times, it's weird.

OK.

DOOR OPENS

Mam, who's baby-sitting us tonight?

Glenda. What time do we have to go to bed?

Well, you and Neil the Baby can watch a film, then it's bed by ten.

OK.

Dad, it's not fair! Harri said he's staying up later than us!

Yeah, it's not fair!

Harri, come here!

Stop winding them up, or you'll go to bed the same time as...

You know what we've all forgotten to do?

We haven't put any milk or mince pies out for Father Christmas.

Yay! Come on! Yay!

Sorry, babe.

All the fun we had last year

Christmas!

Oh, if there was a way...

I told you not to worry, Bryn.

I know! I've never seen so many Christmas puds!

And half price. Double bubble.

Here we go. There we are.

Cracking. Cheers, everybody. Cheers, everyone. Happy Christmas!

Merry Christmas! Happy Christmas. Let's make it a good one!

Hey, it shows you how long it is since we've drove down here, hey?

I mean, it's the first time we haven't had to pay the toll to cross the bridge!

I sort of missed it, really,

cos I used to like throwing the coins in the basket.

You know, it's a little bit like a sumo wrestler with sand.

I tell you what, it's a cracking motorway, the M4.

Yeah, you're right there, Bryn.

I tell you, the services, you're spoilt for choice.

Oh, phenomenal. Oh, not Heston, mind...

No, no, not Heston, obviously. Of course.

Only a fool would stop at Heston. Chieveley, you like. Sensational.

I'm a Leigh Delamere man. First class. Second to none.

Er, what was that name of that services that we was on the M6,

near, what was it, near Stoke, when we went to Richard's 60th?

Oh, I can't remember the name, but I remember the sandwich.

Egg and cress, Ness.

Fresh as the day it was born.

I can still taste it now.

Knutsford! That was it. Knutsford. Knutsford.

Well, I like Membury... That is good. Yeah. I LOVE Membury.

BOTH: Insane in the Membury.

..and I'll tell you for why.

I arranged to meet my friend Paul there, you know Paul,

we became friends on Instagram, and we said we'd meet at 12.

Well, I arrive, no sign of Paul.

He's had trouble with his car,

and he feels so terrible about it,

that he sends his sister, Jenny, to keep me company in his place.

Well, Pam, you would've loved Jenny,

oh, she was fantastic.

Anyway, that day, she's lost her wallet,

and on top of that, she's dropped her phone.

Needs a new case.

Well, that's the beauty of Membury,

they've got a phone shop right there on the concourse.

So, I bought her a case, got her some lunch,

we were there six hours, all told.

I had a lovely time.

They're dead now, Paul and Jenny.

Very sad,

and I would've gone to the funeral, if they'd had one,

but their religion forbids it.

They just wanted donations,

to a charity set up in Paul's name,

which I still donate to,

&163;10 every month, Mick.

Who's for another drink? white">Yeah, I'll get these. Shall we get a round before it gets busy? Yeah.

Just a water for me, Gav, I've hardly touched this. Shut up, Bryn, you melt, it's Christmas Eve!

Yeah, and you'll have an Archers and lemonade, whether you like it or not.

..and seven tequilas... Yeah. ..and a Bacardi and Coke. Got ya.

DJ Stu's on the decks tonight.

I saw that, yeah.

I lent him some of my vinyls.

Listen, while I got you... PHONE RINGS

Sorry, I, I've got to take this. One minute. Sorry. Go for it.

Hello, Boo-boos! Are you OK?

Yes, yes, I am...

..I am in the public house.

Yeah, OK... Yes, of course...

I will, I will call you, I will call you in due course. OK.

Yeah, OK, baby, all right. I love you. Mwah-mwah!

Mwah-mwah, mwah-mwah, mwah-mwah!

Bye, Happy Christmas!

That was Sonia.

Where to's she now then? She's with her parents... Go on.

..in Gloucestershire. Genuine.

Looking forward to meeting her, I am. Yeah.

Er, so, you, what were you going to say?

Right, Well, look, I...

..I knows I've not been pulling my weight, of late,

regarding Neil, like. What are you talking about?

On the cash front.

His presents, uniforms and what-what.

So...

..this is for you. Nessa...

200 quid, give or take.

What I made on the carolling, plus a couple of tattoos.

You don't have to give me anything. Take it.

Cos you've been good as gold, fair play,

but when it comes to money, I've always washed my own face.

I'm not keeping score or nothing, like,

you look after him, he's with you, 24/7. I wish I could do more.

You've done plenty. You're a cracking dad. Serious.

No, listen, you keep hold of it, cos he's always going to need something, you know.

I don't know, football boots, or school trips or whatever.

Fair enough.

Cheers, Smithy. I appreciates it.

Hey, we're a team, you and me. Yeah?

Hey, Ness, we've been just talking about what to do for New Year's.

Are you doing anything?

I'm on duty, down the lifeboat.

We gets a lot of jumpers this time of year.

What are you two up to? Don't know.

Oh, we ought to make the effort, Gav.

Me and Sonia are going to the golf club. Her dad's organising

some sort of thing, a charity thing, Rotary Club, something like that...

Do you want to go to that? Stay at Mum and Dad's? Maybe.

Or there's the black-tie thing at work. Yeah. Mind, it's usually a bit crap... It's not cheap, though.

..let's be fair. To be honest, I can't really be arsed with New Year's Eve.

Last year, we were in bed by ten, weren't we, babe?

Woke up at midnight, peck on the lips, went back to sleep.

I can't believe Ness is still living with you, Bryn.

Yes, yes, and Neil the Baby.

They were only supposed to move in for three weeks.

That was nine years ago!

Now, now, Gwen.

I am fine with it, Pam.

As I say to everyone, I don't know how it works, but it does.

Well, look who's here! I don't believe it!

It's Jason!

Jay-son! Jay!

I've got to give him a hug.

Oh, hi, Uncle Bryn! white Come on, my Jason! Hiya!

Ah! Ooh, someone's been on the Archers!

I have! That's exactly what I've been drinking!

Jase, tell us, what services did you stop at on the way down here?

Er, well, Heston...

What? Boo! No!

..only to fill up, and then Membury.

Yay! Wahey!

Have you got a pen, Mam?

And when I was there, I bought a load of these,

cos Mam text me, saying you've got no Christmas puds.

We are inundated, Jase! Look!

We've already been to Morrisons.

Tidy! So Jase, what you drinkin'? Smithy's up at the bar.

I'll join Uncle Bryn, I think,

in a glass of Archers.

Smithy, he's gone for the Archers!

Babe?

You all right? What's going on?

Right, where am I stood, right now?

What?

Where am I stood? Here?

Easy. This is where I first told loved you.

Yes, it is, and I said, "If you say it first, I'll say it back,"

and then you said...

Right, how comes you always re-write this?

Cos it was the other way round, I said...

Look, either way, it's a special place, right?

And, and what I'm trying to say is, is...

The thing is, Gav, every inch of this town is full of our stuff,

our memories, you know?

Like, um...

Like up there.

By the bingo hall - when you and me had split up,

that's where I was when you phoned me,

and I ran out in the rain. Did you know that? Was it?

I think I was at a foam party at the time...

And just there, by the wall, that's where Harri took his first steps.

Oh, yeah. And he looked like an old drunk.

And top of the hill, by the recycling bins...

That's where I had to sit down cos you'd just told me

you were pregnant with Megan. And you nearly fainted.

I did not nearly faint, I just had to shut my eyes

to get my head round the fact we were having a third child,

which I think is understandable.

And when I used to work here at Marco's,

that's where you used to snog me through the window.

Yeah, and he'd get annoyed cos we'd smudge the glass.

Oh, yeah!

We had sex on them rocks once.

And by the lifeguard hut.

Am I even allowed to mention the Ghost Train? Oh, my God.

You never told anyone, did you? Course not!

What's all this in aid of, babe?

I got you a present, all right?

Man, look, I knew this would happen...

I thought we were going for the cupboards!

Yeah, no, no, I want the cupboards.

I hate our kitchen - it's a great idea.

But, look, I...

I got you this.

What's this?

It's the matches I took from the hotel, the first night we met.

And you held on to them all this time?

Yeah...

I wanted something to remember you by,

and, well, I didn't know if I'd see you again.

Oh, babe.

What a night! Yeah...

Hang on a minute.

Slow down... Remember this?

Lie down...

That's the song that was playing... When we went to bed together, yeah.

..when we first got into bed together.

Don't sell out...

See, we've got all these memories, and they're amazing.

But I just get scared we won't make any new ones.

What do you mean? Course we will.

I don't want us to drift, Gav.

I've seen it happen to loads of other couples.

Babe, we're not like...

Cos, like, you're a dad. And I'm a mum.

We're parents, and, oh, God,

I wouldn't change that for the world.

But...

I don't want us to stop being "Stacey" and "Gavin".

I just want us to stay as us, you know?

Yeah, I get it...

And that's why I want you...

I want you to hold on to these.

As a reminder.

Cos we've got to keep the fire burning, haven't we?

Oh, my God, is that really cheesy?

What?

You say it first and I'll say it back.

I love you.

I love you, too.

I just want you closer

Is that all right?

Baby, let's get closer

Tonight...

LAUGHS: No-ho-ho-ho!

Grant my last request

And just let me hold you

Don't shrug your shoulders...

Hang on a minute, everyone.

Can I just say? Seven years to the day.

And I think it was around this time we found out, wasn't it, Bryn?

Yes. 9.35.

We were with you, Pam, up in Essex that year.

That's right!

We got the phone call we'd all been dreading,

to say that our dear friend and neighbour had passed away.

And we raised a glass then. We did.

We raised several glasses.

And we'll raise a glass now.

To Doris. To Doris. To Doris. We miss you, Dor.

You not raising a glass, Ness?

No. Because by rights, Doris should've

left that house to me, not Stacey and Gav.

Oh, Nessa, don't start. Not this again... It's an outrage.

They're lucky I didn't invoke my squatter's rights.

She's got a point, to be fair.

Anyway, I've said my piece.

It's up to the courts now.

Bryn? Let's do this.

Oh, hang on, hello...

What's going on here, then?

Another trip on the Ghost Train, was it?

Shut up! Gavin!

MIC FEEDBACK

Well, now, everyone, as is a bi-annual tradition,

little Ness and I are going to sing you a Christmas song.

CHEERING

And I'll thank you all to join in.

T'was Christmas Eve, babe

In the drunk tank

An old man said to me

Won't see another one

And then he sang a song

A Rare Old Mountain Dew

I turned my face away

And dreamed about you

Got on a lucky one

Came in 18 to 1

I've got a feeling

This year's for me and you

So... Happy Christmas

I love you, baby

I can see a better time

When all our dreams come true...

Merry Christmas, Bryn.

Merry Christmas, Ness.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

CHEERING

They've got cars big as bars

They've got rivers of gold

But the wind blows right through you

It's no place for the old

When you first took my hand on a cold Christmas Eve

You promised me Broadway was waiting for me

You were handsome You were pretty

Queen of New York City

BOTH: When the band finished playing, they howled out for more

Sinatra was swinging

All the drunks, they were singing

We kissed on a corner then danced through the night

The boys of the NYPD choir were singing Galway Bay

And the bells were ringing out for Christmas Day...

I love this pub!

You're a bum You're a punk

You're an old slut on junk

Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed

You scumbag, you maggot You cheap lousy faggot

Happy Christmas, your arse I pray God it's our last

ALL: The boys of the NYPD choir were singing Galway Bay

And the bells were ringing out for Christmas Day!

Yeah! It's Christmas!

Yeah, it's Christmas!

CHEERING

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Merry Christmas, Joyce. Hold the door! Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Happy Christmas, Bryn. Oh, my God. Hiya, Bryn!

You all right, Uncle Bryn? I overslept! Can you believe it?

The whole schedule's gone to the dogs.

Where's the turkey!

Well, I put it in the oven.

How long? How long has it been in for?

About 40 minutes?

Gwen, you had no right to do that without my say-so.

You've singlehandedly cocked up the entire day.

Oh, my God.

Merry Christmas, both.

And did Santa bring you this, darlings?

CHILDREN: Yes, he did!

Yeah, unfortunately, Santa didn't think to build it first

so you might want to help me with this one, Dad.

Crikey, this takes me back!

Oh, my God, I overslept.

These sprouts should have been blanched 20 minutes ago!

Merry Christmas, one and all.

Merry Christmas, Bryn.

Pam, I'm never drinking Archers ever again.

What's Archers?

THEY LAUGH

Mum? Mum? Can I open my presents?

Course you can.

I'll be down now.

Oh! Neil the Baby...

Happy Christmas.

Happy Christmas, Mum.

Happy Christmas, Dad.

Oh, God.

This is a nightmare of epic proportions.

What's the big deal, Neil? What's the...? The big Neil is,

my girlfriend is coming over today to meet my family for the first...

Technically, they're not your family so... Well, Neil is.

Neil's my son. Sonia's going to meet him for the first time.

She already feels nervous about it.

I'm up here with you and I don't know what happened last night.

I mean, did we...? Did anything...? Did...?

What, we, did we do anything?

I'm none the wiser, if truth be told.

I mean, you've got your clothes on, so have I, give or take.

Give or take? What does give or take mean?

I'm fully clothed from the waist up, so chances are. Cor...

PHONE RINGS Oh, right...

Right, OK, it's her! It's her.

OK, so what do I do? What do I do? What do I do? Answer it?

I can't answer it, can I!

I'm not supposed to be in here with you.

WHISPERS: She thinks I'm asleep downstairs on the sofa. Oh!

Why to you whispering?

Look, as far as I'm concerned, nothing happened, all right?

So let's just get on with the day.

She's gone.

Mum! Dad! Hurry up!

Yeah, coming right now, buddy.

OK, all right.

Fine. Nothing happened.

Nothing happened, we get on with the day. Nothing happened.

Nothing happened, we're getting on with the day.

That's it. Nothing happened, we're getting on with the day.

Right, are you coming?

Didn't you hear what I said? I'm naked from the waist down.

Oh, God!

Just taking this lot over Bryn's. All right, love.

So this C3 connects with B9?

No, that's for the garage.

Oh, bloody hell, I've just used it for the kitchen.

Gwen, I've got your present here, if you'd like to open it!

Aw, thanks, Pam.

Stick it under the tree, is it?

Why don't you open it now? I think you'll like it.

I've just got these carrots to do and then...

Oh, go on, open it now, this second.

Give yourself a little treat.

I thought we were doing our presents after lunch.

It'll only take two minutes.

WALKIE TALKIE: Bryn to Gwen, Bryn to Gwen.

How many rashers of bacon are in Stacey's fridge? Over.

Hang on.

Do you want me to open it for you, my love?

Pam, what's going on with the present, eh?

Why are you so keen for Gwen to open it?

Because we've bought her towels.

Have we?

Yes! I wrapped up them ones you said I couldn't bring.

And I want her to open it now so I can use one!

I haven't had a shower yet.

I tried one of her flannels last night,

I could have cracked it with a toffee hammer.

Seven rashers in total, Bryn.

WALKIE TALKIE: Perfect. Over.

Gwen, Mick and I would really like you to open this now.

In the morning.

Like Baby Jesus would've wanted.

OK.

There you go, my love.

How's Uncle Bryn?

He's about a level seven, maybe an eight.

Oh, wow! Oh, thanks, Pam!

Oh, that's amazing.

Oh, Jason, didn't I say to you the other day that I needed new towels?

Yeah, you did.

Oh, do you know what, Pam,

the towels in my house were a wedding present to me and Trevor.

And we got married in 1982!

Really?!

Actually, I've not had a shower yet, can I take one of these?

Yes, love, knock yourself out.

Now, are you sure? Cos you've only just got them.

No, it's fine - you have that one

and I'll keep the other for my Boxing Day bath.

Oh, thanks, Pam!

Incredibly kind.

That didn't quite play out the way you wanted, did it?

SMITHY: All right, go on. Let's open this one.

Open this one, buddy. I want to see you do this.

Oh, wow!

And look on the back. Look on the back.

Aw, thanks, Dad.

Well, it's not just from me. It's from both of us.

All of the presents are.

Aw, thanks, Mum.

Tidy.

Can I put the Xbox on now?

You can, but not in your room, OK?

It has to go down here.

Your father's right.

Cos me an' Bryn are going to start playing Red Dead Redemption.

But you can't play those games. You can't, not yet. Oh, come on!

You're too little. You're too little.

We've done this. Oh, come on.

Hey, now, you remember Daddy's friend's coming down today?

Your girlfriend.

Yeah, that's right, and she's excited to meet you.

So best behaviour, all right?

OK. Do you want your present now?

You got US a present? Go for it. No!

It is for the both of you.

Go on, you open it...

What is this?

I made it myself? In DT.

Look, three hooks - one for you, Dad, one for you, Mum,

and one for me. Wow! That is immense.

PHONE RINGS

That is Sonia, again.

Hello, Boo-boos!

Happy Christmas, baby.

Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day...

Gwen! Jason? Anyone?

The table should've been set 37 minutes ago,

and the plates are still at Stacey's!

Argh! Oh!

Are you serious?

Yeah, but keep it under your hat.

I thought you said you didn't sleep together no more?

We don't. Not since November last year.

And as far as Smithy's concerned, we still haven't.

He don't remember a thing. Flippin' heck.

Which is a miracle, by the way.

Cos last night I was on flames.

I was doing things I've not done since my time in the circus.

Back bends, single leg cuts, uprises, the lot.

I can't keep up with you two.

I know.

On paper, it just don't add up.

But put us between the sheets and it's electric.

We're like Hall and Oates.

Morecambe and Wise.

Mel and Sue.

And no-one else knows? No.

And it's gotta stay that way.

Cos he's got his missus coming down today,

and I don't want no-one getting hurt, all right?

BRYN: Argh! white STACEY: Uncle Bryn?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my...

Stacey, would you kindly inform everyone

that dinner will be ever so slightly delayed?

Oh, my God.

I can't move.

I'm in actual pain. Me too.

I feel bigger now than when I was pregnant.

There are a couple of pigs in blankets left over,

if anybody fancies it. I'll take one on, Bryn.

But someone's got to pass it literally into my hand.

Thank you.

Harri, not so hard against the wall! Sorry.

Right, who wants a top-up? Not for me thank you, Pam.

I'm drinking as much as I can,

because, come New Year's Day,

we're doing dry January, aren't we, Mick?

I'm looking forward to it.

Veganuary, I'm doing.

No meat or animal produce for a whole month.

I couldn't do that.

What's the one you do, Ness?

Januhairy. Januhairy?

In the name of feminism, Mick,

I don't shave a single hair on my body

till the first of Feb.

Last year, Jase, by the 19th, I'd grown a full goatee.

She looked like Craig David.

Anyway, can we all just take a moment to say thanks to Bryn

because that meal was incredible. Yes. Absolutely.

So, to the chef - here's to Bryn!

To the chef! To the chef! To Bryn!

Well done, Bryn!

I tell you what I want to see this guy take on, Brynlar,

oh, Chef Extraordinaire, I want to see this guy tackle a curry.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A Bryn-daloo!

Ha-ha-ha! A Bryn-daloo!

I know, I know, a Bryn-dian!

THEY LAUGH

Be careful you don't get Bryn-digestion!

Bryn and Chips!

What?! Ha-ha-ha! DOORBELL RINGS

That'll be Sonia.

Stay there, I'll get it. I'll get it. Are you sure? Wait.

You OK, mate? Yeah, yeah.

Hello! You must be Sonia.

Hiya! My name is Bryn.

It means "hill" in Welsh.

Here she is!

Hey, baby! Hey, baby!

Oh! Happy Christmas! Happy Christmas!

How was the journey, I imagine the roads were relatively clear?

Yeah, yeah, I've never been to Wales before, it's weird the...

The road signs are all in English

and then just, like, a jumble of letters!

Barry with a Y and Barri with an I.

Please allow me to introduce you to everyone.

Neil is playing in the garden, we'll meet him in due course.

Time permitting, obviously.

This is my best friend and my confidant, Gavin Shipman.

Nice to meet you! Hello, Gavin.

His adorable wife, Stacey.

Hiya! Hi.

Her beautiful, mother Gwendolyn, Gweneth or somethin'...

GWEN: Just call me Gwen.

Hello, Gwen. Simple Gwen.

Bryn, you, of course, met at the entrance of the property

who just cooked us the most sensational Christmas luncheon.

Hello, again! Welcome!

It really was exquisite.

His nephew, Jason.

Jason is a proud member of the LGBTQIA community, um,

currently residing in Espana. Ooh.

Feliz Navidad! Ah!

And, of course, the legend that is Michael Shipman

and his one-of-a-kind wife, Pamela,

who, as I've said on many an occasion,

have been like a mama and papa to myself.

Hello, darling! Hello, Sonia.

And that is... This...

This is Vanessa, who is Neil's mother

with whom I, as you know, co-parent.

All right? What's occurrin'?

Sorry? What's occurr...?

I don't think anything's occurring, is it?

Can I, can I fix you a drink or anything? An aperitif?

Um, No, I...

I do need to use the bathroom and, um...

could I see where we're sleeping, Neil?

Yes. I'm a silly goose!

Forgive me as we step away from the table.

The staircase here to the left

will lead you to the upper floor of the house.

We'll be back shortly to continue the fun and the merriment.

Oh, my Christ. What happened to his voice?

Don't ask me, I've never seen him like that before.

It was like he was in court!

Very strange.

Well, he was on best behaviour that's for sure.

Look, I wasn't going to say this. Pam!

But Big Fat Sue, she told me

that Deano told her that Smithy is thinking of proposing!

What?! Never! Hey, now, come on, that's just gossip.

No, no, no, it's not fair. Let's just...

I'm just saying, that's all.

Right, I don't know about anybody else,

but I'm ready for some of those Christmas puddings.

GWEN: Oh, absolutely.

If you give them to me, Bryn,

I'll go across the road and start warming them up.

They're already over there.

No, love, I haven't got them. Well, neither have I.

You are joking!

Do me a flavour!

So, has anyone got them?

Are you telling me we've left nine Christmas puddings in The Dolphin?

And the brandy butter.

THEY LAUGH

What a palaver!

Well, I'm trying to think what else we got in.

I mean, I've got the Boxing Day trifle, of course,

but, apart from that, a couple of yoghurts.

I quite fancy a yoghurt.

And we've got Calippos in our freezer.

That's it, then, we're spoilt for choice.

Come on, let's go. Feliz Navidad...

Kids, we're going to Nana Gwen's to open a few more presents.

Who fancies a Calippo? KIDS: Me! Coming!

I'm not being unreasonable, Neil,

it's an air bed on the floor of a box room.

Well, it's Neil's bedroom, actually, but... Yeah, I'm aware of that.

I just wish you'd warned me, that's all.

I mean, we could always still go to my grandparents.

That's not what we arranged. We're going tomorrow...

OK, it's fine. Really.

And Nessa's nice.

I was dreading meeting her, you know,

and then I saw her, and I thought, "Nothing to worry about there."

How are you feeling about meeting Neil the Baby?

Well, he's not a baby is he, he's 11.

I know, it's just a thing that we...

Anyway, you excited?

Yeah... Yeah, I am.

I just don't want it to be a big thing, you know?

Like "Ooh, come on, Neil, come and meet your stepmother."

Yeah. No, I know.

How do I look?

You look amazing.

Come on.

Where is everyone?

Oh, I think they must have gone over the road for dessert.

Why?

I think it's cos...

I don't know. Come on.

That was actually all I needed.

Right, shall we do the rest of the presents now?

Yeah, go on.

Ah, Sonia, here we are, have my seat, I've been keeping it warm.

You're all right, Bryn. You sit down.

Where's Neil? Neil? He's out the back. Neil!

You've missed the Calippos,

but there might be a choc ice kicking about.

There he is. Hey, bud.

I want to introduce you to someone.

Um, Sonia, this is Neil.

Neil, this is Sonia.

Hello.

We met that once on Facetime, didn't we, sweetheart?

Yes.

And are you having a lovely day? Yeah, I am.

Aw, he's just like his dad, isn't he?

Only a slimmer version.

Though we're doing something about that, aren't we, baby?

We're trying to, yeah...

Did you tell them what I got you for Christmas?

I haven't, actually. I got him membership to...

You know that Kickstart Fitness on Oakwood Parade in Loughton?

PAM: Oh, yeah. Japanese Margaret goes there.

Well, it's just like a normal gym,

but on a Tuesdays and a Thursdays they do like a Fat Club -

and look at the mental blocks around bingeing and junk food. So...

Oh, Neil the Baby.

How about you give out our presents now?

From you and me, like. Yeah, go on buddy. OK.

We've got everyone exactly the same thing, so there won't be no rows.

Love.

Here we go. Oh, look at this. Cheers, buddy. Thank you.

Oh, wow. Thank you. Oh, thank you darling.

It's a tap.

That's right.

I didn't get one for you, Jase,

I forgot you were coming, truth be told. No worries.

Some are hot, some are cold.

I got a hot one - what did you get, babe?

Hot.

Oh, that's amazing! Thanks, Ness.

If you're unhappy with what you've been given,

see if someone will swap - hot for cold,

cold for hot, you gets the picture.

Well, I can honestly say,

I've have never been given a tap before for Christmas!

Definitely a first.

I just thinks they're great for, you know, washing your hands,

rinsing cloths, wetting cloths.

I like it.

Filling jugs, cups, mugs.

That kind of thing...

SONIA: Is this, like, a family joke or something?

It's just a gift. It's just a gift.

But what do we do with them?

It doesn't...

Right, well, I've got something for everyone too.

Ooh!

See, I've got all these photo albums just collecting dust,

and, you know, most people have photos on their phones.

Well, I thought...

Thanks, Gwen.

"Put them in a frame!"

Oh, thanks, Mum.

Oh, look, Mick. It's you, me and the kids.

Oh, I've gone, I've gone. I've actually gone.

Yeah...

Oh, my God, Ness, how old are we here?

I reckon I'm about 17.

Which would put me around the 35 mark.

You all right, Bryn? You look like you've seen a ghost.

What've you got, Jase?

Um...

It's a photo of me and Uncle Bryn when we went fishing. Fishing.

Oh, I didn't even think!

I thought that was taken

when you went to Cheddar Gorge, I didn't realise it was... No.

It's day two of the trip. The fishing trip.

Right, am I missing something because...? No, just...

Well, what fishing trip? Did...?

Did something happen on a fishing trip?

I wonder if we've missed the Queen's speech.

No, Gwen.

Put down the remote.

For the time has come. Wow, hang on.

You don't have to do this, Bryn.

Not on Christmas! white BRYN: Christmas Schmistmas.

You want to know what happened? Not really.

On that fishing trip? Well, I do, I mean...

Oh, love. Let the man speak.

It was very dark.

In every sense of the word.

And can I just point out that we knew nothing about camping?

We didn't even know how to put up the tent.

Yeah, and I'm ashamed to say that I...

No, Jason! It was my bad.

It was ALL MY BAD.

You see, everyone, it was supposed to be...

What happened was...

I... Mam, please can we open up our selection boxes?

Yes, love, come on.

I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas From the bottom of my heart...

Where are they, Gwen? In the fridge?

All right? Yeah.

So? What do you think?

Of...? Sonia! Yeah. Nice.

Right. Why are you being funny? I'm not being funny.

Yes, you are. You're being funny. Has someone said something?

No, of course not, it's just a lot to take in, that's all.

Right, so somebody has said something.

Was it Gwen? Was it Gwen?

You're just...a bit different around her, that's all.

No, I'm not. You're different. You're different around Stacey.

What? How?

Your hair is different, to begin with.

Your hair is different to when you met her.

We've been married ten years. All right, don't go on about it.

You just talk different when you're with her.

No, I don't.

Earlier, you used the word "exonerate".

Excuse me for trying to expand my mind.

She seems great, OK?

And it doesn't really matter what I think, does it?

It does, actually.

It matters what you think more than anybody.

Mate, as long as you're sure about what you're doing,

that's the most important thing.

Of course I'm sure, I've bought a ring, haven't I?

Yeah, but a ring is...

It's not just about a ring, is it?

Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't realise anyone was waiting.

Hang on a sec.

This is about the rest of your life.

AIR FRESHENER SPRAYS

Jot.

I'm sorry, but earlier on, making fun of his tummy like that!

I didn't like it, Gwen.

I know what you mean.

Let's hope he doesn't do anything stupid.

Well, I've texted my friend Sue, Big Fat Sue, for the low-down.

I won't hear back till tomorrow.

She'll be in a food coma.

So how did you two meet? You and Smithy?

Oh, through my dad, actually, at the golf club.

Right...

He was smitten, I expect! Smitten Smithy.

Yeah, well we both are.

Right.

They don't come more loyal than that young man, that's for sure.

PHONE VIBRATES

Oh, um, sorry, I've just got to take this.

Hiya, Mum! Yeah...

So, who's doing the Boxing Day swim tomorrow, then?

No way, Jose!

Might dip the toes in. Bit of a paddle.

I, for one, will be braving the brisk waters of Barry Beach.

Me too.

You got any of that goose fat left over from them spuds, Bryn?

Yes, I think I have.

We're going down, aren't we, buddy? Yeah.

Are you actually going to go in, though? Like, in-in the water?

I dunno. I will if you will.

Well, I will if you will!

And if you do, then I am! I don't want to go in.

So you should be saying no... Neil. Neil. Neil... Yeah? Yeah?

Oh, sorry, I meant your dad.

Um, could we just have a word?

Just in private. Yeah, sure. Of course, yeah.

You all right?

I want to go, Neil. What?

I'm sorry, but speaking to my mum just now,

it's just made me really want to go and be with them.

But, yeah, we're going tomorrow lunchtime. It's what we arranged.

I know and I've changed my mind. I want to go now.

Look, I've tried my best, but I just feel really uncomfortable here.

But they're my family. With respect, they're not your family.

Listen, I can't go.

I can't just leave my son on Christmas Day.

Well... Bring him with us, if you like.

Mum, am I going to Sonia's?

No. Wait, can we talk about...?

Wait, hang on, just talk...

I'm really sorry, but, um, unfortunately,

my mother's been suddenly taken ill, suddenly, so, um...

I need to go and be with her.

PAM: Oh, that's a shame. What happened?

SONIA: She's got food poisoning. She fell down the stairs.

She... She was being sick from the food poisoning and then...

Then she fell down the stairs.

Yeah.

Oh, dear... Poor woman.

I know...

Anyway, thanks so much for having me.

Dad, you're not going, are you?

No, mate, no.

I, I'm...

I'm going to stay. I'll be here.

Right. Um, well, thank you, um...

It's been lovely meeting you all.

Um, ooh, I'll...

So, bye! Uh, thanks, Um, Merry Christmas.

Bye... Yeah, Happy Christmas. Merry Christmas, Sonia.

Bye! Bye! I'll escort you to the car.

All through the year...

I'm going for a smoke.

We waited through spring and fall...

Right. Well, drive safe, won't you?

You do understand, don't you, baby?

Yeah, course! I, I, I get it.

Just you give me a ring when you get there, yeah?

I'll call you soon as... Aw, I miss you already.

I miss you too.

Ooh! Ooh!

Oh, and babe, don't drink any more tonight, yeah?

Cos I need you to be with it tomorrow.

Yeah. Yeah. Got it...

I love you!

You too.

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire...

Bye!

She's really close to her parents.

She's never spent Christmas away from her mum and dad before.

Cracking.

You want a drag?

Yeah. Go on, then.

Yuletide carols being sung by a choir...

COUGHS: That is horrible.

I know.

Funny time of year, Christmas.

Yeah. Gets you thinking, don't it?

Neil's going to be 12, come August.

I know. 12!

Feels like we brought him home from the hospital last week.

Did Sonia like meeting him?

I dunno. I think so. Yeah.

You know you're all right as you are, don't you, Smithy?

I won't lie, you're not everyone's cup of tea,

but at the end of the day,

when all's said and done, you're tidy. Cheers.

I means it.

I know.

And I knows it's been complicated, you and me...

..with their eyes all aglow...

All this, like.

Whatever this is.

But I loves it.

And if truth be told...

I loves you. Yeah. I know.

No, Smithy.

You're not listening.

I knows it's weird, all right?

But I do.

I loves you...

..with all my heart...

..so...

Will you marry me?

What?

Marry me.

Tell me tomorrow I'll wait by the window for you

I'll wait by the big house for you

I'll wait by the squeeze-box for you

I'll wait by your dresses...

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