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♪ my analyst told me ♪

♪ that I was right out of my head ♪

♪ the way he described it ♪

♪ he said I'd be better dead than live ♪

♪ I didn't listen to his jive ♪

♪ I knew all along that he was all wrong ♪

♪ and I knew that he thought ♪

♪ I was crazy, but I'm not ♪

♪ oh, no ♪

♪ my analyst told me ♪

♪ that I was right out of my head ♪

♪ he said I need treatment ♪

♪ but I'm not that easily led ♪

♪ he said I was the type that was most inclined ♪

♪ when out of his sight to be out of my mind ♪

♪ and he thought I was nuts ♪

♪ no more ifs or ands or buts ♪

♪ oh, no ♪

♪ they say as a child, I appeared a little bit wild ♪

♪ with all my crazy ideas ♪

♪ but I knew what was happenin' ♪

♪ I knew I was a genius ♪

♪ what's so strange if you know that you're a wizard at 3? ♪

♪ I knew that this was meant for me ♪

♪ I heard little children were supposed to sleep tight ♪

♪ that's why I drank a fifth of vodka one night ♪

♪ my parents got frantic, didn't know what to do ♪

♪ but I saw some crazy scenes before I came to ♪

♪ now, do you think I was crazy? ♪

♪ I may have been only 3, but I was swingin' ♪

♪ they all laughed at a. Graham bell ♪

♪ they all laughed at Edison and also at Einstein ♪

♪ so why should I feel sorry ♪

♪ if they just couldn't understand ♪

♪ the reasoning and the logic that went on in my head? ♪

♪ so I just let them laugh at me when I refused to ride ♪

♪ on all those double-Decker buses all because... ♪

I could never get one of those fires started.

Dad, are you gonna have chicken? You want meat?

Chicken. Chicken's fine.

This is a brilliant article.

Norman! Did you read Ken's article on China?

No, no, I haven't read it.

Terrific article.

He is in the house watching the yankee game.

Your husband. Comes up for a day in the beautiful countryside

and heads straight for the television set.

Ken, come on, honey!

How many people want chicken,

and how many people want hamburgers?

2 more outs! 3 minutes!

I think everybody's dying for a little libation, huh?

Why don't you make some of your famous stoli Martinis?

Janet, so when are you and Ken gonna have a child?

You've let your sister have a big head start here.

Let Leslie practice the viola for 6 hours a day,

then it's not so easy.

Leave her alone.

His fourth start with the mariners,

trying to set 'em down in order in the first

after his teammates got him 2.

Hi.

I came in here to make drinks for everybody.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

What are you doing? You want a drink?

Uh... Sure.

Sure, I want...

The Yankees have only 11 more home games

here at the stadium the rest of the regular season.

This is nuts.

Yeah, come on.

We got to get out of here.

Yankees have the second-best home record

in the American league.

Breaking ball...

Oh, God.

What? No, no, no. We're gonna get caught.

Mm-mmm. They're all by the lake.

I can see everything.

Mmm.

Ohh.

Whoa.

Oh, they're deep in conversation.

Wait! There's Janet!

Ouch! Aah!

Whoa!

Ken...

No. Oh, no. No, it's ok.

You can't scare me like that, ok? I grind my teeth.

Just don't scare me like that.

It was nothing. Just a false alarm.

Listen, try not to actually chew.

Oh, God, you know, wouldn't it be great

if we could just be off alone together?

Just relaxed, you and me?

Oh, it would be so great.

That would be so great.

You never know what's gonna happen.

Ken, turn the yankee game off and come on out here now!

I will! Just one minute! It's almost over!

I'm done. I'm done.

You can come anytime you want.

Can I?

I'm done.

I'm ready! Ohh! Ohh!

Leslie!

Is that you?

Can you lead me down to the lake, honey?

Can you give me just a minute, grandma?

I'm just, um, I'm just making some Martinis.

Sure. Sure, dear.

I want to finish.

Oh. Ken. Is that you?

Finish what?

Hello! Hello. Hiya.

Come, Ken.

Come?!

Come, lead me down to the lake.

Ever since I lost my second eye,

I feel so frail.

Ohh! Ohh!

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

You don't have to moan about it.

It's not that terrible.

Ken is hurrying, grandma. He is hurrying.

Would you do the olives, Ken? Could you do them quickly?

Yeah!

You can use onions, too.

I prefer onions. Don't you, Ken?

Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Boy, you must really love onions.

How much do I...

Lucy?

You schmuck! You bastard!

I'd like to cut your fucking head off.

You're upset, right?

How could you do that?

Didn't you know what would happen?

What are you talking about?

Don't... Answer me, prick.

You knew. You just didn't give a shit.

What? Why don't you take your coat off for a second?

How could you write that book, huh?

Are you so selfish? You're so self-engrossed,

you don't give a shit who you destroy?

You told our whole story!

All the details.

You gave me away to my sister.

Marvin's left me. He's gone.

Hey, it was loosely based on us.

Don't bullshit me, motherfucker!

Who do you think you're talking to,

one of those retarded talk-show hosts?

I lived through it with you, ok?

I know how loosely based it is.

that your blind grandmother caught us fucking one day?

No, no, of course, of course.

You made a few stupid exaggerations,

or, you know, as the critics say,

"inspired comic flights."

But Jane recognized it.

Well, you'd have to be submental not to.

And Marvin was crushed, crushed!

I can't tell you how long ago she suspected...

I know! I know! And I denied it!

And you've gone and...

You've gone and confirmed it all for her.

I mean, big fucking deal...

you made Leslie shorter.

Big fucking deal!

But it's all here.

The poor schmuck country doctor,

the violinist...

Her younger sister in Connecticut

cheating with her husband...

The picture window, for Christ's sake.

Cruel observations about Marvin

with his barbecue and his chef's hat.

And, of course, Jane,

or, as you pathetically disguise her,

Janet.

Here it is.

"It was not simply that Leslie had become numbed

"with the inane spate of leaden perceptions

"that passed for wit from Marvin.

"It was not even the image she shared wickedly with Ken

"of Marvin's flaccid, microscopic member,

"jiggling up and down as he bounced naked on tiptoes

"across the rugless, icy floor

"of their Connecticut home to close the storm windows.

"It was that she had never loved him,

"but wanted to have children

"to retaliate against her older sister,

"who did not have a maternal bone in her being

"and whose every inch, Leslie felt,

"was occupied by gluttonous self-love.

"Ken ran his hand over Leslie's large round breasts

and mounted her from the rear."

Oh, big fucking deal. You gave her large breasts.

Leslie, please...

Lucy!

I'm Lucy, motherfucker!

Not Leslie.

Except, of course, I am Leslie,

because you made no attempt to disguise anything.

You didn't give a fuck!

You didn't care enough to disguise anything!

Please! Jesus!

You pulled out 2 years ago.

You broke my fuckin' heart.

You left your wife and me

for some little cooze.

Me and Janet!

Jane. Janet is the character in the book.

Now, 2 years on,

your latest Magnum opus

emerges from this sewer of an apartment,

where you take everyone's suffering

and turn it into gold, literary gold.

Everyone's misery. You even cause them misery.

But mix your fucking alchemy and make it into gold,

like some fucking black magician!

Hey, give me a break.

I'm the one who wound up in bellevue.

You deserve it and worse.

Lucy!

You've ruined my life!

I've come here to blow my brains out!

What's wrong with you?

In front of you on your carpet,

because you caused it.

My fucking brains on your carpet!

You are so fucking unstable. Will you relax?

Well, that's why you picked me, isn't it?

That's what turns you on about me...

Jane's crazy sister.

Calm down. You're not gonna kill yourself.

No, you're not, because it's not in you.

You're not the dramatic type. You never were.

Jane is the dramatic sister. Jane is the solo violinist.

Relax, for Christ's sake.

You're right.

I don't have the nerve to kill myself.

I knew it, you know, as I came over here.

I said, no...

Not me.

Better...

To kill him.

Pardon me?

Kill the black magician

so he can't spin any more gold out of human misery.

Lucy, what's wrong with you?

Shut up!

Put it down!

Who else could have talked me into giving him a blow job

at my father's funeral?!

Think it over.

You stop right there!

No, don't shoot! Don't pull the trigger!

Look, if it makes you happy,

my life has been going very badly.

I've been miserable. My girl left me.

She went off with a close friend of mine.

Everything's been... insomnia.

I've squandered everything I have

on shrinks and lawyers and whores.

I'm not gonna stand up here on this fucking roof

w-with a world-class meshugana cunt

and beg for my life.

If you want to shoot me, shoot me.

I was working. You interrupted me.

So whose life were you exploiting today?

You'll be very happy... rewriting them.

I was working on a little autobiographical thing

about when I was first married.

Harvey stern married too young...

mainly to get out of his parents' apartment,

which was a rent-controlled cornucopia

of guilt, antagonism,

and soul-deadening criticism.

By day, he labored listlessly in a shoe store.

he glowed intensely over his remington portable.

Are you coming to bed?

I'm in the middle of a sentence,

and now I've lost my thread...

I'm just feeling a little rejected

because we never sleep together anymore.

I don't know what it is.

I'm just not attracted to her.

Is she doing something to put you off?

And I lie to her. I tell her that I'm too wrapped up in work,

but the opposite is true.

I'm hyper-sexually aroused, just not for her.

Who for, then?

Anyone else.

She has a sister. I'm dying to fuck her.

A doll. Thick lips.

Her friend from Columbia. Jennifer? I dream of her.

I never thought I could care about African history,

but she's spellbinding.

The truth is, I never meet or see a woman

that I don't wonder what it would be like in bed with her.

Kid. Psst.

I met a great hooker.

A hooker?

Beautiful. From China.

Unbelievable body.

Schooled by tradition in the art of pleasing men.

It's 50 clams.

Wouldn't you be cheating on your wife?

No. It's not cheating. She's a hooker.

It's not like I'm having a love affair.

See, you don't feel for a professional girl

the way you do for your wife.

She comes over, rubs on her oils...

oils?

Into the sack, she takes you to the moon.

You lay half a c-note on her, and she's history.

I don't know. Where would you do it?

I mean, I couldn't have her come back to my apartment.

You get a hotel room.

That's what I do when the wife's home.

No. See, I don't have that kind of dough.

I mean, 50's a lot in itself, you know?

Maybe a friend will let you use his place.

Hey, kid, you're always bitchin' about your sex life.

I'm trying to help.

And I just tell her that you gave me the number?

No, no, no, no. Not my name.

Don't use your real name.

No, of cour... not the real name.

Tell you what you do. You borrow a friend's apartment.

You use his name. That way, it'll be on the bell.

Now good fortune smiled on Harvey

as one of his closest friends,

mendel Birnbaum, was hit by a car

and lay hovering between life and death

at New York hospital,

thus freeing up a great bachelor apartment

for Harvey's tryst.

Donning the other man's silk robe...

Harvey became the swinger mendel Birnbaum

and awaited his oriental passport to paradise.

You must be mendel Birnbaum.

♪ oh, but he watches so sadly ♪

♪ how can he tell her he loves her? ♪

Aah!

♪ Yes ♪

♪ He would give his heart gladly ♪

Did you enjoy it?

Are you kidding me? I will be right back.

Where you going?

I'm gonna go check my pants

and see if I can find another 50.

I'd like to go again.

♪ Tall and tan and young and lovely ♪

♪ The girl from ipanema goes walking ♪

♪ And when she passes, he smiles ♪

♪ but she doesn't see ♪

Mendel Birnbaum?

Yes?

Open.

Who is it?

Mendel Birnbaum?

Who are you?

I've come for you.

What are you talking about?

I'm death,

and your name is on my list.

No, no, no. Wait a minute. You've made a mistake.

You don't have a minute.

No, see, I'm not mendel birnb...

don't give me that bullshit!

Look at your monogram.

Mendel, who are you talking to?

No, stop calling me mendel.

Please, I'm just using his pad.

Right. They always have an excuse.

Let's go. Move it, you little putz.

So I'm standing there on the roof with her,

and she's pointing a gun at me,

and we're out there in the cold,

and I'm telling her about a short story I wrote

when I was younger,

and she found it funny, thank God,

and she started to... you know, she laughed,

and she relaxed a little, and she put the gun down,

and, you know, but, uh...

so your writing saved your life.

It's amazing to me, you know?

You know, the interesting thing to me,

apart from the obvious sexual guilt

that I had when I was a young man in the story,

is that nothing's changed.

You know, it's years later.

I had a shrink then, I have a shrink now.

I'm 6 shrinks later.

I'm 3 wives down the line,

and I still can't get my love life in order.

I... I still love whores.

You know, I... I... I... I... I...

To me, the ideal thing is you pay them,

and they come over to the house,

and you don't have to discuss proust or films or...

I don't know what's been happening to me. You know, I...

you know, you know, I... I... I just have not grown up,

and I feel, you know, it's not, um...

You know, I see other guys my age.

I mean, I'm always thinking of fucking every woman I meet.

I meet a woman, wherever... in the bank, a stranger.

I see a woman on the bus.

I think, what would she look like naked?

Is it possible I can fuck her?

You know, this is crazy.

I see guys I know that are lawyers and doctors.

They have families and houses.

They're... they're not so, you know...

does the president of the United States

want to fuck every woman he...

so... Bad example, you know.

But... but, uh, I... I don't know.

Look, take raoul wallenberg.

Did he want to bang every cocktail waitress in Europe?

Probably not, but...

Tell me about your honoring ceremony tomorrow.

Oh, that's... that's, uh, that's bullshit.

It's ironic that the same school

that threw me out years ago

now wants to honor me.

They threw me out because I was not interested in college.

I wanted to be a writer.

That's all I cared about was writing.

I did not care about the real world.

I cared only about the world of fiction.

Plus, I tried to give the Dean's wife an enema,

so they didn't take kindly to that.

But, you know, the sad thing is,

I gotta drive all the way upstate

to be honored, and I have to go by myself.

I got nobody to go with.

You know, I... I... you know... ok, so...

and... and... I... I... you know, I can't...

what about your idea of bringing your son up with you?

It's not my visiting time with him.

Joan is completely inflexible, so...

You mean she won't trade dates with you?

Hey, I can't even get her on the phone.

You know, she hates me, and...

I don't know. Lately...

for the first time in my life,

I experienced writer's block.

Now, this to me is unheard of.

I start these short stories, and I can't finish them.

I can't get into my novel at all,

because I took an advance.

I don't know. I...

I find that I'm taking more pills and medicine and...

You remind me of that short story

you were working on maybe 2 months ago...

the actor.

This goddamn lens has something wrong with it.

What, this one, too? I changed lenses.

What are you talking about? The focus is off.

I don't know why there should be such a problem.

You check the center. It's out of focus.

I've checked all the lenses. They can't all be soft.

Come on, guys. Let's move it along.

It's getting late here. We got to move it.

I'm trying to shoot Mel on the bench, and he's soft.

Where the hell are you renting these lenses?

The lenses are fine.

Holy shit, Mel's out of focus.

That's what I said, genius. He's out of focus.

No, I don't mean the lens. I mean Mel himself.

Let me see. Get the hell out.

I don't believe it. You're right.

What the hell are you talking about?

I said the actor's out of focus.

How can this be?

Is there something wrong?

I don't know how to tell you this, but, um...

You're soft.

I've gained a little weight.

No, it's not that. You're soft.

You're... you're... You're out of focus.

Is there anything we can do about this?

I can't adjust this kind of thing.

Look at yourself.

There's nothing to do.

You sure you're ok?

It's... it's fuzzy. It's kind of...

I feel fine.

Mel's out of focus.

He's soft.

I don't know what to do.

It's almost 4:00 already anyway.

Why don't we just wrap?

We'll wrap, and we'll see what happens.

Mel, look, I want you to go home,

and I want you to rest. Get some rest.

And, uh, see if you can just sharpen up.

Grace, I'm home.

Hi, honey.

Hey. What's the matter?

You look strange.

I'm out of focus.

Yeah. Yeah, you are. Just a little bit.

You are, and you look pale.

Daddy, you're all blurry.

Yeah, maybe you should go lie down.

♪ Daddy's out of focus ♪

Daddy doesn't need that, ok?

Come on, now, you be nice.

What happened at work today?

♪ Daddy's out of focus ♪

Rueben! Stop it!

They thought it was the camera,

then they... then... it was me.

Yeah. They sent me home. It's so humiliating.

Did you eat anything strange at lunch?

I don't know what it is, you know. You know what?

I just need to lie down, get a good night's sleep.

I'll be ok, you know?

I'm sure that's all it is.

Dad, what happened to you?

You get a good night's sleep, turn in early,

and by tomorrow, you'll be fine.

The following morning, however,

things did not improve.

In fact, the situation had gotten worse.

Mel was more out of focus than ever.

I gotta get to the doctor.

I've never seen anything like this.

Nothing is wrong with you,

except you're out of focus.

It's just from looking at Mel. I'm a little seasick.

That's why I want everyone to try these.

Here, dear.

I don't want to wear glasses, mom.

I don't want to wear glasses.

Put 'em on so you can see me, son.

This is much better.

You'll be able to see me. Put it on.

Put those on. Daddy'll be much sharper.

Don't you want to see daddy? There you go.

Put those on, and we won't get headaches.

So, despite the fact

that children don't want to wear glasses,

they're forced to.

You expect the world to adjust

to the distortion you've become.

Hey, I don't expect anything.

I'm going through something... I don't know what.

I know for the first time in my life,

I can't seem to write.

It's not coming.

And for me, you know,

all I have in life is my imagination.

I'm sorry. Our time is up.

Have a good time at the honoring ceremony tomorrow,

and I do think it would be good for both you and your son

if you brought him along.

Joan! Joan! Joan, you never return my phone calls.

How do you expect me to get in touch with you?

Do you want me to call the police?

I've got to ask you one question.

No. I don't want to listen to you.

Tomorrow they're honoring me at adair, my old university.

I want to take hilly with me.

I want to trade one visitation day with him.

No. I have plans with hilly.

We'll trade one day. It'll be good to see.

The kid will see his father honored. It's nice.

I don't want him to see you the rest of your life.

He'll have a day in the country.

The kid'll have a day in the country. What is so bad?

He is 9 years old.

Where does he learn phrases

like "banging beaver" and "fuck God"?

What are you saying? From me?

What do I look like, an imbecile?

I know what your conversations

are like with him,

and don't think I didn't hear

about "open school week."

Beth Kramer has never been so appalled

Dad, why doesn't my penis look like yours?

Why doesn't your penis look like mine?

Because your mother and I never had you circumcised.

When I was your age, every kid in my neighborhood...

you know what they used to do? They used to name their penises.

I'm going to name mine dillinger.

Dillinger is perfect! Dillinger is great!

Hilly, you're inspired. You're a genius.

Dillinger was one of the great geniuses

of his chosen profession.

You know, like Willy Sutton.

Remember when we discussed Freud once?

Freud said that the two most important things

to having a good life are...

The work that you choose and sex.

Those are the 2 things.

Women are God.

God's a woman?

No. I'm not saying God's a woman.

Let me put it this way... there are women.

We don't know if there's a God,

but there are women,

you know, not in some imaginary heaven,

but right here on earth.

some of them, ahem, shop at Victoria's secret.

Beth Kramer has never been so mortified

Beth Kramer's an aggressive, tight-assed, busybody cunt,

and it's none of her fucking business how I speak to my son.

Beth Kramer is a decent parent and a great friend.

Look, I'm asking you to change one visitation day.

I don't know. He is not gonna miss a day of school.

What if he was sick?

If hilly was sick, he would miss school.

But he is not sick,

and he's not gonna spend the afternoon

with his pill-popping, alcoholic,

beaver-banging excuse for a father.

Years ago, you didn't say that about me.

You were a nice, loose, easygoing spirit.

Put it in a book.

What am I saying? You already did.

Epstein had married his third shrink.

He had confessed his feelings toward her several times,

and it seemed she had put it down to transference,

but one day, she surprised him.

I think it best...

That we terminate your treatment.

And then I think we should

give it a substantial period of time,

and then if we both feel the same way,

I think we can begin to see each other again...

Socially.

It was, to Epstein's thinking,

a match made in heaven.

Here, at last, was a woman who understood him.

You know all my secrets,

every nuance of my psychic life.

that I haven't admitted to you during therapy.

Well, now it's your turn to explore me.

Yeah, but all my perversions, you accept them.

My need to be tied up, to watch you with other women,

to feel your spike heels in my mouth.

No one can say that I didn't know

what I was letting myself in for.

The first 2 years were amazing.

They moved into a large apartment

on west end Avenue.

He wrote. She saw patients.

But her clearest insights were into his work.

Well, what one comes away with

is your total isolation, your fear of people,

your panic over closeness,

and that's why your real life is so chaotic

is so much more controlled and stable.

I mean, you're unable to...

Yes, it all went quite well

until Helen became pregnant and gave birth.

From that moment on,

as if she had experienced a divine revelation,

she suddenly became what Epstein referred to angrily

as "Jewish with a vengeance."

I just rue the day that I listened to you,

and I didn't have him circumcised.

What are you, nuts?

Well, you know, we can still do it.

No. No, he's too old.

What is wrong with you?

Oh, sure. Now he's too old.

My God, you're like a born-again Christian,

except you're a Jew.

I see my father's face in hillel.

Hilliard. His name is hilliard.

We didn't name him hillel.

We didn't name him after some rabbi.

It's hilliard Epstein.

No, I'm sick of your smug cynicism.

There's value in tradition.

Now, I never thought it would mean anything,

but now that I'm a mother, it does.

I see not only meaning in judaism, but true beauty.

Helen, you're a scientist.

Einstein was a scientist,

and he was a Jew, and he was religious.

Helen had taken on the obligation of daily prayers.

fearing a wrathful and vengeful God,

give praise and thanks for everything.

...Blow job.

And one day, the inevitable happened.

A patient of Helen's, an Israeli,

who had come to her in a depressed state

over his wife having left him,

captured Helen's heart.

I think we should terminate your treatment

and give it a substantial period of time,

and then if we both still feel the same way,

then I think we could start to see each other socially.

Harry?

Harry?

Harry?

Richard.

Lost in thought, I think.

I was just thinking about a book that I wrote.

Well, I'm a mess.

What's the matter?

I'm on my way to the doctor's.

I'm having severe pains in my chest.

That's nothing. That's indigestion

or gallbladder or ulcer or acid reflux.

No. Except I've got a family history.

My father died prematurely of a heart attack,

my mother dropped dead of a massive coronary,

and both my brother's were dead

before they were 50 from heart failure.

I don't know why you're wasting time talking to me.

You should get an ambulance.

Are you busy?

I was gonna see my editor.

It's just that I hate going for these tests alone.

My mother died, you know, giving birth to me...

for which my father never forgave me, you know.

It's funny. I wish before he died I had forgiven him.

But we're morbid, 'cause you think you're dying,

you know, but you're not.

Today, they got lasers. They got all kinds of...

yeah, you and science, right?

Well, yes. There's nothing wrong with science.

Between air conditioning and the pope,

I'll take air conditioning.

I'm scared. I'm really scared.

Can we change the subject? Can I change the subject?

You know, I have writer's block.

For the first time in my life,

I can't come up with a meaningful idea,

something that holds my interest.

Well, I think since fay left you,

you've been having a lot of trouble.

I'm seeing fay later. I'm having a drink with fay.

I think that's very good.

I think she's good for you.

She's a lot better than, um,

a lot of those other crazies that, uh, you...

ow! My God, my arm. Oh!

I'm telling you, it's nothing, nothing.

Oh!

I'm not scared.

You're in great shape, great shape.

You have a little bursitis in your arm...

Well, that's fantastic.

You see? What do I always say?

The most beautiful words in the English language

are not "I love you," but "it's benign."

Look, we could do some more tests,

but I don't think so.

This is fantastic.

Your heart's in great shape.

While I'm here, I hurt my back a few weeks ago

opening a subzero refrigerator.

Let me buy you a cup of coffee.

Let me schedule you.

I don't have time.

What are you doing tomorrow?

Well, I'm busy. Why?

Because I'm going up to my old university.

They're honoring me.

I'm looking for company to come with me.

I'm sure... I don't think I can get out of this thing,

but... but that's great. You know, congratulations.

So, you look great.

Ah, thank you. You look a little tired.

Yes. 'Cause I'm struggling with this book, you know, uh...

Naturally, I spent the advance already.

I'm having a tough, uh... A tough time.

The reason that I wanted to have this drink was...

can I get a red wine,

exact same thing that she has, please?

I wanted to be the first to tell you that, um...

I'm getting married.

Oh. Don't say that.

Why?

What do you mean, why?

Because... I love you.

How can you get married?

Who? Is it Larry?

I knew that. I don't fucking believe this.

You know, this guy's allegedly a friend of mine.

It's, you know, it's the devil.

I should never have introduced you.

When Larry's around, I smell burning sulfur.

Can we have your blessing?

Can I have it?

No! You certainly don't have my blessing.

I don't want you to get married.

I don't want you to.

I should go.

I was your pupil.

It was Henry Higgins and eliza Doolittle.

That's what it was, and that's what you loved.

But it didn't work that way.

What do you want me to say?

Why did you fall in love with me?

I mean, you gave me those endless lectures

on love in the Western world.

I didn't think I could. I thought I was too damaged.

You know, but it's not, you know...

I woke up one morning,

and I looked at you over breakfast,

and I thought to myself, "God, this is what they mean.

This is what they're talking about." And I...

all those warnings about how I wasn't supposed

to fall in love with you.

I know, but then I fell in love with you.

Another jerk fan.

That I would fuck you and move on to the next fan,

but it didn't happen that way.

You know, you were a fan and a... a... a follower

and then a pupil

and then... then you were a roommate.

And, you know, before I knew it,

you were the one who had control of the channel changer.

Hey, look...

You know, I'm... I'm...

Harry...

I loved you.

I was in awe of you.

But I wasn't in love with you.

To my old university.

They're honoring me, if you can believe that.

Come with me. Give me a chance to talk you out of it.

Spend one day with me.

Harry, I'm getting married tomorrow.

Tomorrow you're getting married?

The day I'm honored, you're getting...

I can't fucking believe this.

You're getting married tomorrow?

Yes! Yes, it's been planned for months.

Don't do it!

I...

While goldberg was asleep one night,

the devil entered his apartment

and abducted his beautiful blond love

and carried her off to hell.

The following morning,

goldberg noticed the odd smell of burning sulfur.

Harry block?

Yeah. You're cookie?

Cookie Williams.

You wanted me here at 10:00?

Yeah. Jeez.

So, uh...

You wanna... shall we get to it?

Uh, you don't want to talk a little while first?

Talk? Why?

most guys don't like to just jump right into bed

without a little talking.

They think it's a little too businesslike.

Oh, not me.

You would tie me up.

Whatever you want. But first,

let's get the monetary part out of the way,

and then we can relax.

Absolutely. You get 200?

That's right. There you go.

So you want me to tie you up, that's it?

I'd like you to hit me a little bit

and give me a blow job.

Ok, a blow job, then hit you.

No, no. Hit me and then the blow job.

I want to get the order right.

Otherwise, it's no fun.

Tie me up, hit me, give me a blow job.

What do you want me to tie you with?

I thought you were gonna wear stockings.

Cookie, you're a definite artist. Definitely, you...

they should put your lips in the Smithsonian.

It took you a long time.

I didn't think you'd make it.

I was having a little problem focusing for a while.

Finally, I got the right fantasy.

I thought of a woman I saw on sixth Avenue today,

and I coupled her with Svetlana Stalin.

It's the daughter of the dictator.

It worked for me.

What do you take medicine for?

Me? Depression.

What are you depressed about?

Depressed. Don't you ever get depressed?

Doesn't your work ever get you down, or, you know...

It's ok. Beats the hell out of waitressing.

You know, it's funny. Every hooker I ever speak to

tells me that it beats the hell out of waitressing.

Waitressing's got to be

the worst fucking job in the world.

It's unbelievable.

What are you sad about?

I'm... I'm spiritually bankrupt. I'm empty.

What do you mean?

I'm... I'm... I'm frightened.

I, uh, I got no soul. You know what I mean?

When I was younger, it was less scary waiting for lefty

than it is waiting for godot.

Uh, you lost me.

You know that the universe is coming apart?

Do you know about that? You know what a black hole is?

Yeah. That's how I make my living.

You know, I got to tell you, cookie,

a great writer named sophocles

said that it was probably best not to be born at all.

Honey, it's a little too late for that.

Mmm. I fought it.

I didn't want to come out. They had to come in and get me.

You want another blow job?

How come?

It's on the house, no charge,

'cause them pills you taking sure as hell ain't working.

I'm just in a peculiar mood tonight, you know?

'Cause I had some bad news today.

Hey, let me ask you a question. What are you doing tomorrow?

Hustlin'.

Yeah? Why don't you come with me?

I'm going up to my old school

'cause they're gonna honor me.

I got nobody to share it with.

I'm serious. Come with me.

I'll give you 500 bucks for the day.

Sleep here tonight, come up with me tomorrow.

How come you got all this money?

I always keep hooker money around

'cause I once paid by check years ago

and the IRS killed me.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Fay, when you get this message,

if it's not too late,

I don't want you to get married

because I love you and I want to marry you.

You...

I was... I was looking at my last book,

the part where we met,

and, you know, I tried to exaggerate it

to make it funny,

but it was actually very romantic.

I'm in town. Norman's meeting me to see les mis.

I have a free hour.

I... I... I don't know if I can.

I got our usual place at the wyndham.

It's been almost 2 weeks.

Uh, we'll have to make it fast.

I can't make it believable for so long.

You'll be back in an hour.

I have to be done by then anyway.

Think I'll take a walk.

Oh, yes, 'cause I thought that I would just, you know,

take a... just to get some fresh air.

Oh.

Ok.

Excuse me.

Are you Harry block?

Your writing has been so meaningful to me.

Thank you very much.

Can't believe I'm in the elevator with you.

Well, it's no big deal.

Are you staying here?

No. No, I'm meeting someone.

Oh, my God.

What is this?

It's stuck again. Again?

If this was one of my stories,

this elevator would get stuck between floors

and the two of us would start a major affair and fall in love.

Promise me that you won't fall in love with me.

No?

No. Definitely not. Not a good idea.

Because I'm... I'm too screwed up, you know?

I have too many... too many quirks,

too many... you know, I have trouble being faithful.

I have trouble, you know, too many phobias and craziness.

Yeah, but I fell in love with you before I met you,

when I read you.

Yes, but you fell in love with my work.

That's a different thing, you know?

I love your work. I love your imagination.

But this is... this is not a book.

You know what I mean?

We're not characters in a fictional thing.

I mean, this is... so don't fall in love.

Promise you won't fall in love with me.

I promise.

You promise? Promise.

The subway took forever. I'm sorry.

You said you weren't coming.

What do you mean? No. We said 10:00.

I'm sure that's what we said.

No. When we left...

I called you last night,

and I said that I got out of my thing.

You called me? When did you call me?

I called you at 9:30 last night, remember?

I mean, you were writing...

we spoke on the phone?

Of course. Absolutely.

God, my mind has been playing tricks on me.

Cookie Williams, this is my friend Richard.

What's so special about this honor anyway?

Well, the man is being honored

by the very school that once expelled him.

Yeah. If only hilly could see me...

he'd be so proud.

but short of kidnapping, he ain't coming.

Oh, dear.

This is ridiculous.

You're going to get in trouble. Come on back.

Come on, boys.

Dad?

No, we're not going to go to school today.

Hey! What are you doing? Hey, stop it!

I got... it's an emergency.

What are you doing? Come on, hilly.

Hey! You! Stop! Stop it!

Stop it! You can't do this!

Hilly, get out of the car!

Get out of the car! Get out of the car!

Hey! Hey! Somebody stop this man!

He's a deviant!

Somebody stop him!

Somebody call the police!

♪ When the red, red Robin ♪

♪ comes Bob, Bob, bobbin' along ♪

Go faster.

♪ there'll be no more sobbin' ♪

♪ when he starts throbbin' his ♪

♪ old ♪ ♪ old ♪

♪ sweet song ♪

♪ wake up, wake up ♪

♪ you sleepyhead ♪

♪ get up, get up ♪

♪ get out of bed ♪

♪ cheer up, cheer up ♪

♪ the sun is red ♪

♪ live, love ♪

♪ laugh and be happy ♪

God, it's fabulous up here.

Oh, it's beautiful. I love it.

Hey, look, a Ferris wheel.

Whoa. Look at the swings.

Want to go?

Yeah.

Very good.

Would you like yours?

Yay!

Dad, high-five.

But I am going to smoke this joint. You want some?

No. I can't stand that stuff.

You see that place there?

That red apple rest?

Years ago, my then-wife Jane and I

were coming back from Connecticut...

her sister's house...

and we had this awful fight.

She was having her period,

and we stopped off there

to get some water for her midol.

I don't want to have a child,

and I wish you wouldn't keep bringing it up,

especially, in front of my parents.

Understand? Harry, we've discussed it.

Yes, but don't I get a vote?

You have a child.

Yes, who I never get to see.

That's not my fault.

I like being a father.

I chose a different life than Lucy.

You knew that when you married me.

So you're dedicated to your work,

and that means we can never have any children.

Since when are you such a family man?

Don't think I don't see you staring at my sister Lucy.

What?

Oh, don't play ignorant.

You watch her walk. You watch her sit.

You... you can't keep your eyes off her toes.

Her toes? Are you fucking nuts?

I'm suggesting that I wouldn't put it past you

if you weren't dying to have a thing with her.

She's a neurotic, suburban hausfrau.

I have no interest in her. Zero.

Uh-huh. Your level of denial is a little intense.

from a premenstrual nuclear meltdown.

You want a hit?

Huh? Oh, no, no.

That smoke is killing me.

Listen, I'm going to go over to the bathroom.

I'll catch you later.

Cold fish, your third ex-wife.

She never would have made a good mother.

Who are you?

It's me. Ken.

Ken?

You created me. Now you don't recognize me?

I'm a little bit high because of her smoke.

How'd you ever hook up with Jane?

Jane was fine. Jane was just having her period,

Oh, no, no, it wasn't just her period.

She was a cold, selfish woman.

she doesn't realize her sister hates her.

Hey, how do you know so much?

I'm just you, thinly disguised.

You gave me a little more maturity

and a different name.

What are you saying? That I know this?

Of course you do. That's why you picked her,

so it wouldn't work...

so you'd never have to give up sport-fucking

and chronic dissatisfaction and grow up.

Hey, I'm not going to stand out here

and get lectured by my own creation.

Uh, uh, uh, you can't fool me.

I'm not like your shrink.

He only knows what you tell him.

I know the truth.

And then, her sister Lucy...

Another head case.

Wow.

You sure can pick them.

But even she was better than Jane...

more maternal, and she loved you.

You weren't there the day your bomb dropped on her,

but take a look.

He left me.

It's over. Our marriage is finished.

I'm so sorry to hear that.

Are you shocked?

Yes and no.

Things have not been very good for some time.

I knew he played around.

Did you? You never mentioned that.

I don't like to discuss my private life.

At first, I suspected Lynn, his editor,

but then I thought,

no, it might be

Allison Davis, a friend of ours.

I even thought he might have a crush on you.

Me?

Well, you're very beautiful,

and we've spent a lot of time together,

and you two get along very well.

I knew you never would in a million years,

but I imagined he longed for you.

I think I even heard him mention your name

in his sleep once.

My goodness.

Well...

That's absurd. I mean...

Really.

You're all red.

No. No.

Lucy, are you ok?

Look...

Since we're talking openly...

I have a confession to make.

Yes?

Look...

Life sometimes takes very strange twists and turns.

and we're not responsible for our feelings.

You know, everybody's feelings are irrational.

Yes, but to hear from your husband

that he found another woman...

He...

He said his future is all mapped out.

Oh.

Jane...

I'm going to be totally Frank with you

and just try and hang on...

what can I say? I'm being replaced.

Yes, yes, but it doesn't have to be a nightmare

if we're all just mature about it.

Replaced by a 25-year-old.

A 25-year-old... a wannabe writer.

Fay sexton is her sexy name.

What's the matter? Now you're white.

Lucy...

Lucy, have you eaten anything today?

Lucy, have a drink. Have a drink.

Finish that.

Hard to believe him when he's such a liar.

I'm weak.

Lucy, Lucy, what's wrong?

You'd think he dumped you.

Look, I know you feel bad for me,

air. But I can handle it.

I'm in shock today, but...

I want to speak to fay.

I've been trying to reach her since last night.

What? No, this is an emergency.

I've got to talk...

tell her to call me back. She's got my number.

Harry. It's the car number.

Harry, give up. She's in love with someone else.

This guy is too old for her.

He's younger than you are.

Hey, I'm much too old for her.

It's ridiculous.

But because of my immaturity,

I have a boyish quality that works.

Is it much longer, dad?

We were just at the fair.

You walked around. You ate.

About how much longer is it?

It won't be long.

Dad...

my sister lives 10 minutes from here.

We'll turn off. We'll surprise her.

she's your half sister, actually.

Yeah, she's my half sister,

but it'll still be 10 minutes,

not 5, just because she's a half sister,

so...

It's wonderful.

Ah, it is so funny.

Do you think so?

Yeah, and it's really sad.

Oh, I really loved it.

You're so great. You're so kind to me.

You know, you have such a sweet, kind instinct.

Harry...

Harry, don't do that.

I count on you to really be critical,

to really be tough.

You're too easy on me.

What? What was wrong with the story?

What was wrong with it is that it had...

It had no energy.

I became very discouraged with it.

It's got... it doesn't release any power.

It came to nothing.

No. I thought it was really touching.

I mean, you knew when the boy grew up

that he would never learn to love.

I think your problem is you love too easily.

I think you're beautiful and great

and too kind to me

and lovely.

But you're not in love with me.

I told you not to fall in love with me,

Yeah, but I still have not been able to figure out why.

Why? Because I'm the boy in that story.

And I can't love,

so I don't want you to get into anything.

Well, you love hilly.

What?

You love hilly.

Mmm.

Sure, I love hilly, because hilly's my son.

It's easy to love a little kid, you know.

Yeah, but you love music.

Yes.

And you love baseball.

Baseball's also easy, because it has rules.

It has foul lines, you know, and...

But women are complicated.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Happy Birthday.

Ohh. You're kidding.

Come on, open it up.

You... this is...

You didn't have to get me anything.

It's probably another sweater, right?

Mmm.

A baseball signed by the 1951 giants.

Really? That's so great.

The '51 giants were...

The one genuine miracle of my lifetime.

That's so great.

When he hit that home run,

that was the only hint I've ever had

that there may be a God.

That's so... you know...

What made you think of that?

Mmm.

It was easy.

You're the greatest.

You are the greatest.

Well, it's your birthday today,

so you get any wish you want.

Yes, anything at all that would make your day special.

Good.

You are the greatest.

I don't deserve you.

You know, you're too...

Too...

So we were driving.

We thought we'd stop in to see you.

This is Richard. This is cookie.

Hi, Richard.

Hello, darling, I'm your aunt Doris.

I bet you don't even remember me.

Do you remember your Uncle Burt?

You haven't seen him in awhile.

Oh, thank you.

Burt, get hilly a sandwich.

Would you like something to eat?

Maybe a cookie or something like that?

Come in the kitchen here.

I just got to go to the bathroom.

Where's the John, honey?

Yeah, you just go right through there.

Over there? Yeah.

So, I thought we'd drop in.

Do you like that?

I'll have some water.

Boy, you're the last person in the world

I ever expected to see.

Don't say that, Doris.

Yeah, and what's with cookie?

Cookie's the nanny.

The nanny? Where did you get her from,

an agency or a massage parlor?

Oh, Jesus, she's a sweet kid. What are you picking on...

still with the sexpots, the tramps,

the vihlde chayes.

She's got a ph.D., this girl.

Really? I don't know how she did on her written,

but I'm sure she got an "a" plus on her oral.

Hey, give me a break, will you?

I take the time to drop in to say hello.

Can you believe that they're honoring me at adair?

I can't believe it.

but it's great for hilly, I think, to see me.

The last time I saw him, he was 6-years-old.

Well, you know, you don't exactly contact me, either.

Well, I know what you think of me.

Oh, please, Doris, don't start in.

What, am I wrong? It's all over your book...

"Jewish," "too Jewish," "professionally Jewish."

Of course, you attributed it all

to your ex-wife Joan,

but you gave her the details of my life

because you wanted to depict her

Oh, I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, you don't know what I'm talking about?

You made a picture of your ex as a horror.

And in order to make that picture

unsympathetic and unappetizing,

yes, you used some of her, but mostly...

mostly, you caricatured my religious dedication.

because it has always enraged you

that I returned to my roots.

What roots? You were a wonderful, sweet kid.

You know, you got me through my childhood.

And, you know, then you go away to fort lauderdale,

and you meet this fanatic... this zealot.

And he fills you full of superstition.

It's tradition.

Tradition is the illusion of permanence.

You have no values. Your whole life,

it's nihilism, it's cynicism,

it's sarcasm and orgasm.

In France, I could run on that slogan and win.

I'm a Jew. I was born a Jew.

What, do you hate me because of that?

And if our parents converted to catholicism

a month before you were born,

They're clubs. They're exclusionary... all of them.

You know, they foster the concept of the other,

so you know clearly who you should hate.

Oh, would you... that's enough.

Let me ask you a question. If a Jew gets massacred,

does that bother you more than if a gentile gets hurt

or a black or a Bosnian?

Yes, yes, yes. Yes, it does. It does.

I can't help it. It's my people.

They're all your people.

You know what? Burt is right about you.

You're a self-hating Jew.

Hey, I may hate myself, but not because I'm Jewish.

Oh, he says he's not a self-hating Jew

and look at how he talks about them

in his stories.

Max and Dolly pincus were married for 30 years.

and there was never a family wedding or bar mitzvah

where they were not generous participants.

Max, how are you?

Yossel, mazel tov. Here.

For Donald.

Thank you, Max.

Dolly.

Dolly, you got a private minute?

We are leaving anyhow in a few minutes.

I don't even know if I should tell you.

What? Tell me what?

Tell me, and I will tell you if you should tell me.

Oh, Dolly, my heart is heavy.

Nothing terrible happened to your husband Phil, did it?

He has been dead for so many years.

Well...

When I was in Florida last week,

I ran into a man

who heard from someone who knew someone who...

Anyway, it seems Max has some secret

Max? You're talking about my Max?

Yep. A dark secret.

What kind of a dark secret?

What? What is by you dark?

I don't know.

What kind of a dark secret?

We have been married for 30 years already.

You're his first wife?

Well, sure, I'm a first wife.

Well, before me, he worked for...

ok. Ok, ok, ok. All right.

What?

You heard something different?

I heard only a dark secret.

Do I know what dark secret?

Who told you?

Wolf fishbein.

Uhh...

be careful, Dolly.

That's all I want to say.

Dolly tried putting Elsie's words

out of her mind,

but Max's dark secret plagued her.

Then one day, she ran into wolf fishbein,

and the truth was revealed.

Breathe deeply. Try to breathe deeply.

Oy. You were right, Elsie. You were right.

Fishbein told me a tale.

Max, before I met him,

he lived in Florida.

Oy. He had a store...

groceries.

He was married.

He was married.

Now it comes out.

To a woman...

With 2 children.

Max had other children?

No. The woman's children,

From a prior marriage.

Aha.

He began an affair

with the downstairs neighbor...

He probably had all his hair then.

Meanwhile, he got into debt

deeper and deeper

and... and carry on with the neighbor.

Oy, my heart.

My heart.

So he can't get himself out of a predicament.

So what does he do?

You're going to tell me he stole money?

I should be so lucky.

He killed his wife.

No.

The man purchased an ax.

With an ax?

And you know Max.

He's nothing with tools.

He can't even hang a picture.

I'm dropping dead.

Plus her children, Elsie.

Plus a neighbor.

4 people he killed one night with an ax.

Your Max?

And this is not the capper.

There's more?

More.

More.

What more?

He ate them.

What, are you talking crazy?

Elsie,

he devoured them.

I can't breathe.

Everything is closing in.

Whatever you do,

first, hear Max's side.

Max has a side?

He kills his family and eats them up.

He was a good husband and a loving father for 30 years.

You have a daughter who went to college.

You have a son who's a writer.

Maybe the best course of action

is let sleeping dogs lie.

Honey, would you pass the sour cream?

You, uh, haven't touched a thing.

Nice weather!

It's ok.

It's not just ok.

It's nice!

All right, all right.

What are you getting so steamed up about?

What makes you such an authority on the weather?

Me?

All I said...

I know, I know. I know what you said.

The fish is delicious.

Wouldn't you rather have meat?

Since when do I eat meat?

Mm-hmm.

With my arteries,

you gotta watch out for the cholesterol.

Uh-huh.

What is the "uh-huh"?

I mean, you've been very touchy lately.

Don't interrogate me...

Mr. Max pinchuck!

Where did you hear that name?

Did you kill your first wife

with an ax?

I gotta headache. Please.

Did you chop her up,

along with your mistress?

Ok.

If I tell you why I did it,

do you promise not to nudge me?

Wolf fishbein said in order to hide the bodies

you ate them!

So what are you making a fuss?

Some bury, some burn.

I ate.

Enough!

I remember Max pincus' dark secret.

That is a disgraceful story.

You don't see your sick view of our parents?

I wrote it when I was much younger.

The first of a number of anti-semitic pieces.

Oh, here he is, direct from the wailing wall.

Disrespectful, shameful.

The Jews haven't suffered enough

without being depicted by this one

and homicidal cannibals.

He's betting everything on physics and pussy!

If you'll excuse the expression.

Yeah, wait till he gets cancer.

He'll be the first one in synagogue,

sitting in the front row in a yarmulke.

Why should I get cancer? I eat broccoli.

Do you care even about the holocaust,

or do you think it never happened?

Not only do I know that we lost 6 million,

but the scary thing is

that records are made to be broken, you know?

I mean, I know what's out there.

Do you have any idea?

He creates offensive Jewish stereotypes

like in der sturmer.

Max is a version of daddy... a man you hated,

a man you think committed the crime

of being a terrible parent.

Well, he was a terrible parent.

Thank you for dropping by.

Please come again in another 4 years.

Hey, look, wouldn't it be a better world

if not every group

thought they had a direct line to God?

He thinks I'm all Jewish paranoia.

No, I don't think you're paranoid.

I think you're the opposite of a paranoid.

I think you go around with the insane delusion

that people like you.

What's the matter?

You son of a bitch!

What's wrong?

You sick, sick, sick,

sick fucking bastard!

What's wrong?

What is wrong?! What is wrong?!

What do you think is wrong?

So you've had an affair with one of my patients.

Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about!

You know what I'm talking about!

I just talked to her. She told me the whole thing.

Who? Who?

Who? Who? Who?

Mrs. pollack.

Amy pollack.

Can I explain something?

You know Amy pollack?

No, you cannot explain anything,

you little fucking asshole!

Will you calm down?

Don't you tell me to calm down!

What's wrong?

What is wrong?

I treat this woman,

and she exits,

and you meet her,

Supposing I told you that my fucking Amy pollack

was a disguised plea

for more closeness with you.

Oh, God. Then I'd say you were a mental case.

This is you with your first wife.

You were claiming that you loved her,

and that you couldn't live without her

while you're having affair after affair.

My first wife, I told you,

I was laying in bed with her one night,

I turned off her

because the way the light struck her,

suddenly she looked to me like Max schmeling.

What do you want me to say?

Not that she wasn't a pretty girl,

but she looked like Max schmeling.

I couldn't get an erection after that.

Stop this tap-dancing! This is bullshit!

It is not bullshit.

It is bullshit!

With you it's different. You turned off me.

That's what happened ever since hilly was born.

You're the one... we've been living like siblings.

Don't try to play "blame the victim"!

What are you talking about?

I... hey, I'm as much a victim as you.

You know, you think that getting a blow job

from a big-bosomed 26-year-old

is a pleasurable thing for me?

Oh, you're making me sick!

I can't believe this is happening.

You're overreacting.

I'm not overreacting!

You... you... are you trying to tell me,

that every week for the last 4 months

that you've been with her in the hotel?

Oh, that's so crazy. No, of course not!

I... you know, I rented an apartment.

Aah! I'm gonna kill you!

Wait! No!

Yes, I am!

Aah.

Hello, doctor.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Take off your coat. Come in.

Uh...

I've been...

I've been losing sleep at night.

I can't shut my eyes at night.

I... I think I should quit my job,

but I can't bring myself to do it.

Maybe because

my brother-in-law treats me kindly.

But... but working for him

is taking its toll on me emotionally.

Could you excuse me, Mr. farber?

What?

You fucked-up fuck!

I can't believe you fucking did this!

You fucking asshole!

You fucked my patient?!

Harry, you don't fuck somebody's patient!

Fuck you!

Continue, Mr. farber.

Uh...

Uh, er...

I...

You lost your thread?

You were talking about quitting your job.

Oh. Right.

You know...

Well, I discussed it with my wife.

While she seems on the surface

to be supportive,

I know she'd rather I stay on.

She idolizes Gordon.

I mean, all the time,

that's all she does is spend time with him anyway.

Listen, could you excuse me just one more second?

Again?

I can hear you from the hallway. Loudly.

I want you to get out of here.

I want you to get your goddamn stuff together,

and I want you to get out of here!

You know, I cannot understand

why the most sophisticated of women

can't tell the difference

between a meaningless

hot, passionate sexual affair

and a nice, solid, tranquil, routine marriage.

Harry, just tell me something.

Was she the only one, or were there others?

No, Amy pollack was the only one.

May God strike me dead if I'm lying.

You're an atheist, Harry!

Yeah. Hey, we're alone in the universe.

You're gonna blame that on me, too?

Oh, stop that tap-dancing!

You... you know, you turned off me first.

Oh, please!

No, I... I gave birth.

You know, when women give birth,

there is a time period

when their hormones just sort of go crazy.

Yes, there are...

Ok, so you're telling me that you're settling.

I accept that.

You accept that?

Oh, Harry, you are so fucking nuts!

Take it easy.

If you're not happy in a marriage,

you don't cheat.

And with my patient?

that is a sacred trust. My patient.

What do you want? Who else do I meet?

I'm here, I'm working in the room,

we have the baby, you're out there practicing,

we never socialize.

So now you're blaming me

because I don't go out with you enough places

where you can meet strangers to fuck!

Look...

I was merely explaining to you

why my choice, of necessity,

is confined to your practice.

Oh, God. I knew you were mentally ill

before I married you,

but I thought, somehow,

because I was a trained professional

that I could help you.

Hey. Come on.

Don't... don't...

The last thing you wanna do

is get down on yourself as a therapist.

Ohh, God!

I want you to get your shit,

and I want you to get your goddamn clothes,

and I want you to get the fuck out of here!

You are the most fucking irresponsible person

I've ever seen in my entire life!

And get out!

Continue, Mr. farber.

Doctor...

And I mean tonight, motherfucker!

Dad, my Pepsi.

So you got even with your ex-wife

and with your sister, and I was born?

Born? What are you talking about?

From your pen.

From your fertile imagination.

And I mean imagination.

Hey, I was not trying to get even with Joan.

Oh, and you created me as the shrewish Jewish hybrid

who goes off with another patient,

an orthodox divorcee from Tel Aviv.

My sister never should have married Burt.

This guy's turned her into a zealot.

It wasn't her fault your father persecuted you.

She was fine till she wound up with him...

this right-wing hawk that she's married.

So she disappointed you in her choice of husbands?

Well, fuck you. She loves Burt.

She was a wonderful kid.

She had a flair for physics.

Suddenly overnight, she's kosher.

She loves you still,

despite your obvious condescension

towards her life.

Would you like to hear what she says about you?

He's not so bad, Burt.

He really was a very good brother.

Just my father did never forgive him

when his wife died.

The man is not a Jewish man.

He's not a Jewish man. That's all.

All right. Poor Harry.

He was always lost.

You know, he could just never accept the fact

that there are things you can't know.

The man is incapable of an act of faith.

All right. For that, I pity him.

You know, I would like to hug him again

like when we were kids.

And if I was upset, he was a comfort to me.

What happens to us?

Doris...

She can't hear you.

And as for Joan...

Joan? Joan hates me.

Well, shouldn't she?

Why should she hate me,

because I was unfaithful to her?

No, because when she caught you,

you weren't a man.

You turned into this double-talking,

wise-cracking, tap-dancing liar.

Well, if she had not become so enraged,

maybe we could've patched things up.

Listen to this guy. Deluded...

maybe it tapered a bit after hilly was born,

but you two had sex pretty regularly.

I have no idea why I took up with that patient.

She was available, she was adorable.

You know, and my marriage was droning on.

Well, what you call "droning on"

Well, if that's working, then marriage is not for me.

Well, it's not for everyone.

Well, you know, but then I get lonely.

Hey, what do you want me to say?

She... you know, she gave me hilly,

and for that I'm... I'm eternally grateful

'cause I love him so much.

You can have any one you want here.

Can I get 2?

I'll tell you what, you can get any 3 presents.

Go through the store and pick any 3 presents, ok?

Yeah.

Look what I found.

This is the chemistry set you always wanted.

Look at that. It's perfect.

No, no. Don't open it here.

Let me buy it first.

Harry?

Harry!

Hey.

How you doing?

Larry, what are you doing here?

I was buying my nephew a power ranger.

I can't believe it. When did you get back?

A couple of days ago. Yeah, it was...

hey, fay.

Fay, this is Larry. I told you about Larry.

Oh, yeah. It's nice to meet you.

Old friend, colleague, peer.

Right.

So you got back when?

Uh, 2 days ago. Yeah.

I took a boat trip down the Amazon.

Really? God, that sounds exciting.

Yes, if you don't mind malaria and dysentery.

No, butterflies the size of doves.

Never seen anything like it in my life.

Yeah, I can live without that, however.

It was astounding.

Mmm. It sounds it.

So you got back 2 days ago?

2 days ago. Yeah.

We go back a long way.

We both started out wanting to be kafka,

and you got slightly closer than me.

Yeah, I became the insect and he...

Yeah.

Good. I'm amazed.

We should go out.

Yeah. Listen, why don't you come to my house

in east Hampton for a weekend?

It will be great fun.

Well, let's not get hysterical.

No, I'd love to. It would be fun.

Oh, it's beautiful out there.

It's sand in the crotch. It's ticks.

To get this guy to leave his room, you know...

Oh, I know.

He's never had a tan.

I've always wanted to learn how to snorkel.

Oh, well, it's great there.

Snorkel? Where he lives there are sharks.

You see those photographs of guys

with stumps for legs and arms? That's what...

Yes, you are. It's fabulous.

Let me buy dinner. We'll talk about it.

No, we'll buy you dinner. Can we take him to dinner?

I'd love to tell you about the Amazon.

'Cause it changed my life.

I'd love to hear. Sounds amazing.

I'm gonna write a novel. I'll tell you about it.

I'm not into the Amazon.

You know what the Amazon is?

This Amazon is the tiny, little heads

with the lips sewn together.

Can you picture him this way?

That's... that's great. We'll go to dinner tonight.

Yeah, great.

That'd be great.

Great. I'm single, available,

with the soul of a black man.

I smell sulfur. Do you smell sulfur?

Hilly, did you open the chemistry set?

Hey, look. We're almost there.

Hilly. Hilly, wake up. We're almost...

hilly, wake up.

We're almost at the university.

Your dad's gonna be honored.

You know, limited as my curriculum was.

Richard, we're there.

Hey, honey. Wake up. We're her... uh-oh.

Something's wrong.

What's the matter?

I don't know. I don't think he's breathing.

He's dead. He's dead!

What?!

I can't believe this.

I was at the doctor's with him yesterday.

They said his heart was fine.

Oh, gee. There's nothing to be scared of, hilly.

I'm fine, dad.

Remember I told you

death is a natural part of life?

You have to embrace them both.

What are we gonna do?

I don't know. Get back in the car.

I don't wanna sit next to him! Uh-uh.

Jus... it's over.

Welcome to adair university, sir.

We certainly hope you had a pleasant trip.

Good to see you. Hello. Hello.

Would you like some refreshments, perhaps?

Is he all right.

You got one of them rubber bags?

What? What?

We've made arrangements

for the body to be delivered

to New York City.

I don't think he has any immediate family, actually.

If you prefer,

we can call off the proceedings.

I think, probably that's the best thing.

No.

I do. I...

He'll be all right. He's here for a purpose.

You know, I...

I'll see that....

That, uh, he's... he's, you know...

that the funeral comes off.

I'll see that he's buried, uh...

Properly.

I understand.

Underwater.

Poor Richard.

Oh, Jesus, I... the poor guy!

Cookie.

Cookie, cookie...

I'm not gonna make it. I can't go on.

Not if you keep drinking and popping them pills.

Oh, Jesus. I can't believe this.

My old school wants to honor me,

I show up with a hooker and a dead body.

You're getting yourself wound up about nothing.

Cookie, look at me!

Look! Look! I'm out of focus!

What? You look ok to me.

I mean, a little pale, but you're all right.

I'm out of focus. I'm soft.

You better calm down.

They're gonna be here any minute. Calm down.

No, no. It's so humiliating.

They're gonna honor me, and I'm a blob.

You look fine. Don't worry.

I'll be sitting on the dais eating.

They'll get seasick. They'll throw up.

Hold my hand. Hold my hand.

You drive all the way up here with your son

so he can see you get honored,

and you're gonna make an ass out of yourself.

But don't you see?

I'm... I'm a huge blur.

You're gonna be all right.

Hang in. I'm gonna talk you down.

Now, I have seen all kinds of guys o.D.

Heroin, acid, crack. You name it.

I didn't take any of that stuff.

Yeah, but you're a pill-popper.

No, that's not what it is, cookie.

I'm o.D.Ing on myself. It's that I'm a shit.

Have some black coffee.

I don't want any coffee. I don't want anything.

I'm a shit.

Talk to me about something.

Sports? Yeah. I was a pitcher.

When a guy crowded the plate,

I used to throw at his head,

'cause I'm the worst person in the world.

Honey, I've seen worse.

Who? Who's worse than me?

Yeah, all right. Maybe Hitler.

Maybe Hitler, goering, and goebbels,

but I'm right fourth, right behind them.

Come on, hold my hand.

Can you feel my hand?

Yes, it's warm.

See? It's just panic.

You're not a blob.

I know. I'm gonna get over this.

I'm having a panic attack. I have these attacks.

What sports do you like?

I don't know. I... I like them all.

I like baseball. I like basketball.

I was married to a woman, cookie, who...

she looked like Max schmeling.

No, I'm not joking. She was...

Uh-oh. All right, it's time.

I can't get through this without you. I mean that.

Don't worry about it. Don't worry.

If you didn't come with me today...

Don't worry about it.

Come on. Straighten up.

I gotta get a tie. I gotta get my tie.

All right. Let's go.

Are you ready to be immortalized by adair?

I teach your books.

These are some of my literature students.

Yes, we all know all your work,

your characters... even the obscure ones.

No, no. Good reading is a creative act.

So are you working on anything now?

Something we can look forward to sinking our teeth into?

Actually, I'm in the midst

of writing a thing on the devil,

who comes and kidnaps a man's one true love

and takes her down to hell,

and he goes to retrieve her

and, you know, since it's hell,

I'm able to settle a lot of old scores.

Yes.

Well, what's the man like?

Uh, it's me thinly disguised.

In fact, I don't even think

I should disguise it anymore.

It's, you know, it's me.

Uh-huh.

Floor 5.

Subway muggers, aggressive panhandlers,

and book critics.

Right-wing extremists, serial killers,

lawyers who appear on television.

Floor 7.

Sorry that floor is all filled up.

Escaped war criminals, TV evangelists,

and the nra.

Lowest level.

Everybody off.

What did you do?

I invented aluminum siding.

Harry!

Dad.

Get me out of here! This is terrible!

You know how I could never stand hot weather.

What is this man doing here?

He's condemned to eternal suffering.

Harry, help me.

I don't understand. What? Why?

I demand to know the charges.

"He behaved unconscionably toward his son,

"accused the boy of committing a capital crime

merely by being born."

"Your wife," they told me, "is dead.

But your son, he's thriving."

Why did he fight not to be born?

Look, I forgive him.

I... you know, what's over is over.

From... that's... it's... it's finished.

Look, let him go to heaven, please?

I'm a Jew.

We don't believe in heaven.

Where do you wanna go?

To a Chinese restaurant.

Take him to joy luck.

I love him despite everything.

Looking for someone?

I'm here to get fay.

She's not coming with you.

Because you're the head of this whole underworld,

that you can just abduct her and get away with it?

Well, I'm gonna kidnap her back.

What are you laughing?

You dare to match your powers against mine?

You wanna know why?

Yeah, I do.

I'm sorry.

Forgive me for laughing.

Why?

I'm more powerful than you

because I'm a bigger sinner.

Because you're a fallen angel,

and I never believed in God

or heaven or any of that stuff.

I'm strictly, you know,

quarks and particles and black hole, you know.

All the other stuff is junk to me.

And also I do terrible things.

I've cheated on all my wives,

and none of 'em deserved it.

I sleep with whores,

I drink too much,

I take pills and I lie

and I'm vain, I'm cowardly

and prone to violence, you know.

I once almost ran over a book critic with my car,

but swerved at the last second.

Did you ever have 2 women at once?

Yes, I did have 2 women at once.

And I'll tell you something else.

I didn't care that it was exploitive.

And I'll tell you something else.

They were sisters.

Really?

Yes. Absolutely.

2 blond wasp sisters.

Not the sherman twins?

Yes, the sherman twins. Exactly.

You... you...

They're here.

The sherman twins are here.

So, do you know Sandra pepkin?

Do I know Sandra pepkin?

Only the best blow job in the hadasa.

So if you know Sandra pepkin,

I fucked her best friend,

the cripple, pearl.

Oh, pearl in the wheelchair.

Pearl in the wheelchair.

Speaking of handicaps, do you know Marie Taylor?

Well, yes,

but Marie Taylor I don't count.

Marie Taylor's dyslexic.

She put her tampax in her nose.

You ever fuck a blind girl?

No, that I never did. Did you?

Ooh. They're so grateful.

Would you like a drink?

Could I get some Tequila?

Sure, sure, I got great Tequila.

Why don't you sit down? Make yourself at home.

You want me to turn on the air conditioner?

You're air conditioned here?

Sure. It fucks up the ozone layer.

I could be very comfortable down here.

I'll tell you something, Harry.

I love it. I love it here.

I wouldn't be anyplace else.

You know, I've been offered a lot of jobs in your world,

but why should I be an employee?

Here I'm my own boss, and I'm free.

What kind of jobs did they offer you?

For 2 years I ran a Hollywood studio,

but you can't trust those people.

I agree with you.

Better to rule down here

than to serve in heaven, right?

That's Milton, I think.

To evil. It keeps things humming.

Oh, jeez.

So you kidnapped fay, huh?

Yes, I did.

But some women are turned on

by aggressive, assertive behavior.

Yeah, so if I suddenly kidnapped her back?

You kidnap?

No, it's not your style.

You're not a fun guy. Too serious.

Fay knew that.

You're too angry at life.

I got a lot to be angry at.

But sooner or later, Harry, you gotta back off.

It's like Vegas.

You're up, you're down,

but in the end, the house always wins.

Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.

Now, one thing you are not is a kidnapper.

Kidnapper!

Listen to me!

Get out of my way!

Can't you see you're walking

with a fucking kidnapper?

You'll have to come with me, sir.

You're under arrest.

I gotta put the cuffs on you.

You stay over there.

How can I kidnap my own son?

Hey, we got drugs in the bag.

Let me go, bitch! Just let me go!

Get off of me, bitch!

Get her in the car.

Can't I be honored and then arrested?

No, we can't do that. I'm sorry.

Prostitute in your car in possession of marijuana.

Possession of an unlicensed firearm.

I told you already about the firearm.

There was a crazy woman on my roof

shooting at me.

I got the gun away from her.

I put it in my car.

I was gonna hand it in.

I gotta make another phone call.

Yeah, I know, but that didn't count.

That was to my girlfriend's

I'm trying to keep her from getting married.

You also called your sister.

Yeah. My sister wasn't in.

You called your lawyer.

My lawyer was at canyon ranch.

I can never get my lawyer.

Can I give you some advice?

You're in deep shit.

This time, I think you've really had it.

Hey, it was your idea to kidnap hilly.

It was my idea? It wasn't my idea.

You don't have to act out on every impulse.

You've got to tell me the truth.

Is it better being dead?

Is it better?

No, it's not really,

but there's one good thing.

You don't get called for jury duty,

but then you have no options.

It's not for you.

Jesus. I'm no good at life.

No, no, but you write well.

I write well, but that's a different story

because I can manipulate the characters and plots.

Right. You create your own universe,

but that's much nicer than the world we have.

But I can't function in the world we have.

I'm a failure at life.

I don't know.

I think you bring pleasure

to a lot of people. That's good.

Yeah, but even that's drying up.

For the last months,

I haven't been able to come up

with a meaningful idea to write.

Well, make peace with your demons,

and your block will pass.

Jesus, it sounds so trite,

but I just want to be happy.

To be alive is to be happy.

Take it from me.

Hey, block.

Come on.

Some people just put up your bail.

My bail?

That's right. This way.

Yeah. We got the message on our service.

Came right from our wedding.

You did?

Yeah, we were on our way to our honeymoon.

You got married?

Yeah.

I can't believe it.

In the end, you chose him over me?

You're gonna insult me after we ran from the altar

to keep you from rotting in some prison.

I know you get claustrophobic.

Plus you're the perfect punk.

You'll get buggered

by every con in the cell block.

You're the guy that should be in there

because you stole her from under my nose.

Harry, he didn't steal me.

I love him.

I can't fathom this.

I appreciate your coming, but I can't...

why? Why not me?

You told me that I wasn't supposed

to fall in love with you,

How could you listen to me?

You know how crazy I am.

Well, you were my mentor, that's why.

But you were sleeping with your mentor.

So? I've slept with my gynecologist.

What has that got to do with anything?

You're gonna snorkel down the Amazon with him

when you could have me?

I will never be the writer you are.

You put your art into your work.

I put it into my life.

I can make her happier.

I love you.

So...

I do, I do. It's just that

I'm in love with Larry.

I'm his wife.

I love you, too, Harry. Now, please,

so that we can go and enjoy our honeymoon.

We'll be in Santa Fe about a month,

and when we come back, we'll all go out.

This is where you're going on your honeymoon?

He's taking you to the desert?

Sand? The desert is cactus.

It's gila monsters,

whatever you call them, lizards, is the desert.

Harry, give us your blessing, please?

Give 'em your blessings

before I throw you back in that fucking jail cell

and I bugger you.

God.

I don't know what to say.

I love you.

This guy I've loved...

Uh...

I give up. I give up.

We'll get you home, all right?

Santa Fe, you're gonna take her?

Tacos.

Harry, what about the honoring ceremony?

Huh?

We haven't had the ceremony.

The police interrupted.

What, am I dreaming?

Everybody dreams.

Come on.

Professor Clark has everything planned.

Can I bring hilly?

Well, it's your dream.

Stebbins hall?

Everyone is waiting to honor you.

After all, you created them.

I love all of you.

Really, you've given me

some of the happiest moments of my life,

and you've even saved my life at times.

And now you've actually taught me things,

and I'm completely grateful...

I think the author's message

is to know yourself,

stop kidding yourself,

accept your limitations,

and get on with your life.

To me, it's a really interesting character...

a guy who can't function well in life,

but can only function in art.

It's sort of sad in a way and also funny.

But your books all seem a little sad

which is why I like deconstructing them,

because underneath they're really happy.

It's just that you don't know it.

I feel like I'm in a dream.

This for me is, like,

the best dream I've had in months.

The happiest dream...

oh, I like it.

A character who's too neurotic to function in life,

who can only function in art.

Notes for a novel.

Opening possibility:

Rifken led a fragmented, disjointed existence.

He had long ago come to this conclusion:

All people know the same truth.

Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

Only his writing was calm.

His writing, which had in more ways than one

saved his life.

♪ my analyst told me ♪

♪ that I was right out of my head ♪

♪ the way he described it ♪

♪ he said I'd be better dead than live ♪

♪ I didn't listen to his jive ♪

♪ I knew all along ♪

♪ that he was all wrong ♪

♪ and I knew that he thought ♪

♪ I was crazy, but I'm not ♪

♪ oh, no ♪

♪ my analyst told me ♪

♪ that I was right out of my head ♪

♪ he said I'd need treatment ♪

♪ but I'm not that easily led ♪

♪ I was the type that was most inclined ♪

♪ when out of his sight ♪

♪ to be out of my mind ♪

♪ and he thought I was nuts ♪

♪ no more ifs or ands or buts, oh, no ♪

♪ they say as a child I appeared a little bit wild ♪

♪ with all my crazy ideas ♪

♪ but I knew what was happening ♪

♪ I knew I was a genius ♪

♪ what's so strange if you know that you're a wizard at 3? ♪

♪ I knew that this was meant for me ♪

♪ I heard little children were supposed to sleep tight ♪

♪ that's why I drank a fifth of vodka one night ♪

♪ my parents got frantic, didn't know what to do ♪

♪ but I saw some crazy scenes before I came to ♪

♪ now, do you think I was crazy? ♪

♪ I may have been only 3, but I was swingin' ♪

♪ they all laughed at a. Graham bell ♪

♪ they all laughed at Edison ♪

♪ and also at Einstein ♪

♪ if they just couldn't understand the reasoning ♪

♪ and the logic that went on in my head ♪

♪ I had a brain, it was insane ♪

♪ so I just let them laugh at me ♪

♪ when I refused to ride ♪

♪ on all those double-Decker buses ♪

♪ all because there was no driver on the top ♪

♪ my analyst told me ♪

♪ that I was right out of my head ♪

♪ the way he described it ♪

♪ he said I'd be better dead than live ♪

♪ I didn't listen to his jive ♪

♪ I knew all along ♪

♪ he was all wrong ♪

♪ and I knew that he thought ♪

♪ I was crazy, but I'm not ♪

♪ oh, no ♪

♪ my analyst told me ♪

♪ that I was right out of my head ♪

♪ but I said, dear doctor ♪

♪ I think that it's you instead ♪

♪ 'cause I have got a thing that's unique and new ♪

♪ it proves that I'll have the last laugh on you ♪

♪ 'cause instead of one head ♪

♪ ha ha, I got 2 ♪

♪ and you know 2 heads are better than one ♪ ============Encoded By nItRo & Uploaded By XpoZ http://facebook.com/xpoztorrent