Original subtitles

...into a big, airy bedroom,

and then the sideboard turns around and turns into the bathroom.

So you can eat while you bathe? Of course not, silly.

Then what's it doing in the bathroom? It isn't doing anything in the bathroom.

I said it turns into a bathroom.

Then another time it turns into a kitchenette, another time into a fireplace.

I don't think you can light it, but it looks awfully cute.

What turns into a fireplace? This gag in the corner.

It turns around and makes one room into four rooms.

So that young people who haven't much money

can have a lovely, four-room apartment

for the price of a one-room apartment.

Well, if it's one room it isn't an apartment.

Well, that's what they call it. It's exactly the same as four rooms.

Yeah, but suppose I... You just turn this thing in the corner...

Suppose I wanted to go to the fireplace while you were in the kitchenette?

You're just trying to make things difficult.

Nothing's good enough for you except a palace on Fifth Avenue.

I give you coffee, ladies and gentlemen.

The end of the perfect dinner... Knock wood for me.

...the beginning of the perfect day.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment we have all been waiting for.

We are about to give you the result of the $50,000

Maxford House New Slogan Contest

with a first prize of $25,000,

a second prize of $5,000,

a third prize of $2,500,

a fourth prize of $1,500,

a fifth prize of $1,000,

and 95 other prizes totaling $15,000.

Are some folks going to be delirious in a few minutes.

As you may well imagine, ladies and gentlemen,

all that sugar draws a lot of flies.

And the jury here has been struggling for a week

to try to pick the winners from a little snowdrift

of 2,947,582 answers.

And that, ladies and gentlemen,

is a lot of answers in any language,

including the Scandinavian.

Dr. Maxford, our founder and president, is at my side.

And I know that it will only be a matter of a few moments

until the jury ceases wrestling with itself, hands Dr. Maxford the verdict,

and he will himself, in that well-known voice of his,

read you the names of the winners.

We seem to have run into a little contretemps,

faux pas or what have you, ladies and gentlemen.

But I assure you it will only be a matter of...

What's the matter? The jury is deadlocked.

Deadlocked? Eleven to one.

Eleven to one?

As I say it will only be a matter of a few moments

before the jury untangles itself,

and we will hear the happy winners' names

broadcast throughout the world.

I...

Just a little patience, ladies and gentlemen.

Can't you get it through your conk that this contest...

What's all this hogwash about a deadlock? Where's the verdict?

You'd better ask Bildocker. Yeah, and you'll get an answer, too.

If you birds had the brains of a rooster... I resent that, Bildocker.

You may know something about the shipping department,

but when the 11 of us are agreed, I say you've a fine crust...

Yeah? Well, let me tell you something.

It'll be 10:00 next week and then some before I give in to...

Quiet!

...a bunch of fat headed, mealy-mouthed lamebrains

that wouldn't know enough to come... Quiet!

Jumping Johosephat!

Do you happen to realize that we're on the air?

Do you happen to realize that the whole of America is waiting for your verdict,

that 120 million people are suspended from your lips,

that you're giving heart failure to the Western Hemisphere?

What do you know about picking slogans, anyway?

You wouldn't know a slogan if you slipped on one.

If you gentlemen had the combined brains of an amoeba...

But we're all agreed, Dr. Maxford.

It's only Bildocker who's holding out.

Oh, it is, is it?

Well, let me tell you something, Mr. Bildocker.

You've been getting into my hair for the past 20 years,

and I meant to mention it before.

I'm going to give you just four seconds flat...

Oh, no, you're not, Dr. Maxford.

I'm a member of this jury and I'm going to vote the way I think is right

if it takes 10 years!

You can fire me out of the shipping department,

but you aren't going to fire me off this jury

because I don't work for you on this jury!

I'm giving my services free to the bunch of suckers who...

Oh, who said anything about firing you, you lunkhead?

All I said was that I...

Yes?

Oh, we are, are we?

Well, that's just lovely.

We're going off the air, gentlemen, so just take your time.

You can stay here till next Wednesday for all I care.

Or you can stay here till Hoboken freezes over.

We have failed in our promise to the public.

We have muffed the most dramatic advertising moment

in the annals of commerce, and you've made a fathead out of me.

The next nitwit who talks to me about a contest

had better duck before I swing on him.

In conclusion, gentlemen, and especially you, Mr. Bildocker,

let me say that I have seen far, far better heads on umbrellas!

And so, ladies and gentleman, another broadcast slips into posterity

as we bring to a close the 449th Maxford House program.

I wish I could have given you the news that you were so anxious to hear,

but since I could not, I will conclude

with what the prisoner said when the hangman couldn't find the rope,

"No noose is good noose."

This is Don Hartman wishing you all good night.

How do you like that?

They build you up to a big finish

then leave you there hanging on a meat hook.

You heard what he said, "No news is good news."

He said, "No noose is good noose."

What's the difference? It doesn't matter.

I wish they'd get it over with, one way or the other.

You start thinking about that $25,000 or even the $5,000...

Or even anything. You said it.

And then when you've practically got it right in your mitts,

they leave you there with your tongue hanging out.

There ought to be a law against things like that.

Did you really think you were going to win it, Jimmy?

Well, I haven't lost it yet, have I?

How many have you lost? I don't know.

But I do know that every time I've lost a contest,

I've doubled my chances on the next one. It's what you call the law of average,

like when I lost the "How many peanuts in the window" contest.

Well, that doubled my chances on... Yeah, they put boxes under the peanuts.

Well, they got a right to do that.

They didn't ask how many boxes under the peanuts.

All they said was...

"How many peanuts are there in the window?"

All right, I lost it. Well, that doubled my chances on

the "You fill in the missing words" contest. But you lost that one, too.

Fine. So I was eight to one when I went into the limerick contest.

But you didn't win it, Jimmy. That's what makes it such a cinch this time.

Can't you just see it over there in lights?

The guy swallows his coffee, and it says,

"If you don't sleep at night, it isn't the coffee, it's the bunk."

You got to admit that's some slogan.

Uh-huh.

Well, do you get the point? Do you understand what it means?

Yes. What do you mean yes?

It's clear as crystal.

It isn't the coffee, it's the bunk.

If you don't sleep at night, it isn't the coffee that keeps you awake,

it's the bunk.

The bunk! When you don't sleep! I know what it says.

I've heard it a thousand times. I just don't understand it.

Maybe you don't try to understand it. Maybe I don't.

I should think a kid of two could understand that.

This Viennese doctor in the Sunday paper says

the whole idea is just a superstition,

that instead of keeping you awake coffee makes you sleep.

That's simple enough, isn't it? Coffee makes you sleep.

It doesn't make me sleep. He's a Viennese doctor.

If he says it makes you... Coffee keeps you awake, Jimmy.

It's a well-known fact. Why are you so pig-headed about it?

I'm not just trying to contradict you, I'm...

I tell you it's the new scientific theory. It's the basis of my slogan.

People think coffee keeps them awake.

Those kind of people are nervous wrecks

and can't sleep anyway, so why blame it on the coffee?

So I say, "If you don't sleep at night, it isn't the coffee, it's the bunk."

Do you get it? I guess so.

You guess so. What does it mean?

It's the bunk. Yes, but do you get the play on words?

Oh, you don't need a play on words, Jimmy.

Any time anybody tells you coffee makes you sleep,

you don't need a play on words to know it's the bunk.

Don't you understand? It's funny.

People are going to laugh at it when they hear it.

It means if you don't sleep at night, it isn't the coffee that keeps you awake,

it's the bed. With me it's the coffee.

Oh, you know I want you to win it, Jimmy. I'm just as anxious as you are.

And when you lose this one, just think how much better

your chances will be on the next one.

Fine chance anybody's got of winning anything

with everybody going around saying coffee keeps you awake.

All right, let's go downstairs and drink a gallon of coffee

and see which one sleeps the longest. Shut up.

Jimmy! Jimmy!

Yes, ma'am?

Mr. Zimmerman says will you please not talk so loud, he's trying to go to sleep.

Tell him to drink a cup of coffee.

And don't take cold up there. Is Betty warm enough?

Yes, thank you, Mrs. MacDonald. All right, dear.

I'd like you just as much even if you didn't win the old contest.

That's because you're a sap.

Well, maybe I am. But if I am, I'm glad of it.

You know how we feel about each other. Nix.

Well, it's true, isn't it? You can't say I'm being forward.

Not much. Well, I'm not.

Time is slipping by and we're not getting any younger.

Nix.

Two can live as cheaply as one. Who wants to live cheaply?

Cut it out, will you?

What would you do if you won the $25,000? Stick it in the bank.

Wouldn't you even buy a little ring or something?

I don't like rings on a man. Oh, you.

Oh, what's the use of talking about it, honey?

You know I'd spend it all on you and Mom.

I'd get you a new, shiny car and a swell apartment,

maybe one of those little dream houses in the suburbs,

some hired help, maybe a trip to Europe,

maybe the Grand Canyon would be better nowadays.

And we'd be happy, all right. We could be happy anyway.

That's where you're wrong.

Everything that means happiness costs money and...

How much was your dad making when he married your mom?

Eighteen bucks a week. Well?

Well what? Do you think that proves something?

She's never been to the country for more than a day,

never had any nice furniture.

The dream of her life is a davenport that turns into a double bed at nighttime,

with a crank.

She's never had a nice dress except those she made herself.

I wore the old man's stuff cut down till I got my first job,

and he was worn out at 48 and croaked

because he couldn't afford a decent doctor.

Where do you get that "18 bucks a week" stuff?

Well, I earn 18 and you earn 22 and that's 40...

Sure, sure. And you got your ma and I got mine.

You get a kid and you have to stop work and we're right back at the 22 again.

Except then there is you, and the kid, and the two old ladies and me.

But, Jimmy... Nix, honey.

They didn't give you wrists like that and hands like that

to spoil in a washtub for a poor sap like me.

Jimmy... You got to look out for yourself

in this old world. You got to see the main chance and grab it.

A chance with plenty of money. Men look out for themselves.

They don't think about anything but money. A girl's got to do the same

instead of fooling away her time on a guy like me

unless he crashes through.

You make me tired. Then why don't you go to bed?

That's a nice thing to say.

You invite a girl over on your roof and then yell at her.

If I wanted to be insulted, I could have gone out with a credit manager.

Who's stopping you?

Thank you very much, Mr. MacDonald. It's nice to know where you stand.

I'm sorry.

Maybe I will go out with a credit manager. Good night.

Wait a minute and I'll help you. I don't need any help, thank you.

Here.

Kindly let go of my arm. Why don't you watch your step?

Why don't you mind your own business? Oh, shut up.

Why don't you shut up?

Why don't you both shut up?

You see?

They got up there a horse yet?

Wait for your laugh. Wise guy.

Bread and butter. Bread and butter.

Don't fall down the ladder. I've been down the ladder before.

You fell down it before, too.

Good night. Good night.

See you at the office. Aren't you going to take me?

All right.

Good night, Jimmy. Good night.

Good night. Good night.

Night.

Good night, honey. Good night, darling.

Good night. Good night.

Good night!

I tell you it makes you sleep.

All right, it makes you sleep.

And water runs uphill, and dogs meow, and cats bark,

and water's red hot in the wintertime

and freezes over in the summertime.

You're a dreamer just like your father.

With him it was always automobiles where the wind,

you scooped it up in the front,

and pushed it out in the back to make it go or some such wildness.

Yeah, well, there's no wind blowing out of my ideas.

You're pretty windy.

Have you got carfare? Think so.

Yeah.

Make a wish.

What falls to the floor comes to the door. All right.

There's nothing to laugh about. I mind the time your father,

may his soul be peaceful,

dropped a quarter down a crack, and it wasn't an hour

till a near-sighted man give him a $5 gold piece

instead of a nickel in paying his fare.

We went to Coney that night. What was the matter with Pa's eyes?

He happened to be looking somewhere else at the moment.

There was nothing the matter with your father's eyes or any of the rest of him.

He was the finest looking conductor on the Third Avenue.

He sure was.

You'd look like a shrimp beside him. I sure would.

Then don't be saying anything against your father.

Oh, I'm not saying anything against him, Mom.

Well, watch your step.

Jimmy. Yes, ma'am.

There's money in your cup.

And so the sucker says, "Is Mr. Fish there?"

And the guy on the other end says, "Which one do you want?

"This is the New York Aquarium."

No, but the best one is you say, "This is the Edison Company.

"Would you mind stepping outside and seeing if the street light's burning

"in front of your house?"

And when the poor mug comes back and says,

"Yes, it is," you say, "Well, blow it out, will you?"

Hello? Hello, is this the Maxford House Coffee Company?

Well, could you tell me if the jury has reached a verdict on the contest yet?

Oh, they haven't? Well, then there's still a chance for everybody, huh?

Thanks just the same.

I wonder what one of those suckers would do if they ever did win anything?

Well, it's very easy to find out.

All you need is a telegraph blank, some scissors and some glue.

You cut it in strips, glue it on the blank.

Holy mackerel!

Good afternoon, Miss Casey. Good morning, Mr. Waterbury.

Good morning, John.

It jams. It's been doing that quite a lot lately.

The wonder is it works at all. Yes, sir.

Come into my office a moment, Mr. MacDonald.

Yes, sir.

I've been watching you for some time, Mr. MacDonald.

Yes, sir. Used to make me kind of nervous.

Not nervous anymore? No, sir.

Are you a drinking man then? Sir?

This is part of your yesterday's work. I believe your number is 112.

Yes, sir.

The Comptometer computing machine is almost foolproof, Mr. MacDonald.

Yet you managed to miss your total by a little matter of $11,000

on this one sheet. To what do you attribute that?

I don't know, Mr. Waterbury.

You are familiar with simple arithmetic, aren't you?

I mean, you know the difference between addition, subtraction,

and possibly even multiplication.

Yes, sir. I'm pretty good at it.

Have you troubles at home then?

Are you henpecked? Suffering from a broken heart?

Had your teeth examined lately? Do you play the races?

Or are you purely and simply incapable of doing your work?

Well, I...

I guess it's the contest, Mr. Waterbury. The Maxford House Contest.

I had no idea it was hurting my work.

How much is the prize? The first prize is $25,000.

Ah, yes.

I used to think about $25,000, too, and what I'd do with it,

that I'd be a failure if I didn't get a hold of it.

And then one day I realized I was never going to have $25,000, Mr. MacDonald.

And then another day, a little bit later, considerably later,

I realized something else,

something I am imparting to you now, Mr. MacDonald.

I'm not a failure, I'm a success.

You see, ambition is all right if it works,

but no system could be right

where only half of one percent were successes

and all the rest were failures. That wouldn't be right.

I'm not a failure, I'm a success.

And so are you if you earn your own living,

pay your bills and look the world in the eye.

I hope you win your $25,000, Mr. MacDonald,

but if you shouldn't happen to don't worry about it.

Now get the heck back to your desk and try to improve your arithmetic.

Yes, sir, Mr. Waterbury.

Thank you. That's all right.

Wow!

Oh, honey, look! Look, look!

Hey, everybody! Hey, everybody! Hey, everybody! Come here!

Come on down here. Honey, get up here, will you? Get up here.

Wow! Wow!

Oh, boys and girls, there comes a time in everybody's life

when you've just got to get up on top of a desk and let her rip.

Wow!

In other words, boys and girls,

I've just won the $25,000 first prize in the Maxford House Contest.

Hey, give me a phone. Give me a phone.

Boy, this is going to be good.

Hello? Hello? Give me Astoria 59970.

This is really going to be good.

Hello?

Hello? Hello? Is this Mrs. Schwartz? Yes.

This is Jimmy. Yeah, hello, Mrs. Schwartz.

Yes, I hate to bother you, but could I talk to my mom a minute?

Yes, it's very important. Thank you, Mrs. Schwartz.

I'll let you use my phone all you like when I get one.

Hello? Hello, Mom? Mom, this is Jimmy.

Now, Mom... Mom, I'm going to tell you something, but don't let it frighten you.

You're not hurt? Of course I'm not hurt.

Mom, would I call you up from under a streetcar?

Now, Mom, listen. Are you a rich woman or a poor woman?

No, I'm not crazy with the heat. I'm just asking you a simple question.

Are you a rich woman or a poor woman?

You're all wet. Oh, I said you're all wet, Mom.

Now, look. You can go buy yourself anything you want.

New furniture, automobiles, new dresses... Electric washer.

Oh, electric washer. You know the one you like, the green one?

It's yours, Mom. The davenport.

Oh, the davenport, and the one that turns into a double bed at nighttime,

it's yours, Mom, it's all yours. And anything else you want.

All you got to do is tell me and it's yours, Mom.

It's going to cost you just one davenport.

I'll tell the world I got a raise! And how he got a raise!

Let's put him out of his misery. Hey, cheese it, the boss.

What is going on around here? What is this, a football game?

Quiet! I said, quiet!

Or there will be severe consequences for all of you.

What are you doing up on that desk, young man?

Never mind what you're doing. You're fired as of now, this minute.

What's your name? James MacDonald, sir,

and this is my fiancée, Miss Casey.

Well, let that be a lesson to you.

What is so funny about that?

What is the meaning of this demonstration, Mr. Waterbury?

I demand an explanation, and it had better be very good.

It is very good, sir. It appears this lad has...

What? What? What? Quiet!

Mr. Baxter? What do you want?

If anyone ought to be fired around here, it's me.

Well, never mind the noble gestures,

I'll decide what's what around here.

You can save that Rover Boy stuff for your spare time.

See that this young man is paid off,

and don't let this type of nonsense reoccur.

Mr. Baxter, there is a very good reason...

Has it anything to do with the affairs of this company?

Well, no, sir, but...

Well, then I don't care to hear any more about it.

But you do care to hear more about it.

How was that?

I say, you do care to hear more about it.

You couldn't have understood what was said or you wouldn't have walked away.

These children are part of your family, Mr. Baxter,

and anything that happens to them is happening to you.

So if you don't care to hear more about it, you must have misunderstood.

What is all this, Waterbury?

This young man, this minor employee of yours,

has just won the $25,000 Maxford House New Slogan Contest.

He, and he alone was chosen winner over millions of contestants.

And I say that is reason enough for rejoicing.

Well, I should say it is.

If you'll kindly get down off my furniture, I'd like to congratulate you, Mr...

Jimmy. Jimmy.

Well, more power to you. Thank you, sir.

Now, I suppose I'll have to hire you back at a fat increase.

Oh, I don't think that will be necessary, Mr. Baxter.

You see, I've always liked it here and...

Well, I guess a little raise would come in kind of handy.

And you really won the Maxford House Contest, eh?

That's what the telegram said.

You say they wanted a new slogan or something?

Yes, sir.

Well, it's about time they changed the old one.

What was your slogan?

If you don't sleep at nights, it isn't the coffee, it's the bunk.

Do you get it? It's a play on words.

It means, if you don't sleep at night...

Yeah, but coffee keeps you awake. No, no, no, sir.

You see, this scientist that was... Well, it's a very clever idea just the same.

"It isn't the coffee, it's the bunk."

You know, that ought to be good for the whole industry.

You didn't happen to get any ideas for Baxter and Sons, did you,

while you were inventing slogans for our competitors?

We make coffee, too, you know. I certainly did, Mr. Baxter.

I've been trying to tell them to the advertising department

ever since I've been here.

I guess I've been down there about a thousand times,

till I guess they got kind of sick of me. You see, we don't advertise enough.

How would you like to come into my office

and tell me a few of these ideas?

Yes, sir. Oh, Jimmy.

You can come, too, my dear.

And then I'd put out a secondary brand to catch the in-between-trade.

Say, "Waterbury's, it's the berries."

What do you mean "Waterbury"? Now, Waterbury, let him go on.

Because, if Baxter's is the best, we've got to charge more for it.

We've got to have a good slogan for it. Word of mouth is all right,

but only if you've got the right words. Make a note of that Miss Pettypass.

I'd try to find a slogan that'd implied that Baxter's was the finest of its class.

Say, oh, not the aristocrat of coffee, that's been used too much,

but, say, "The Blueblood Coffee.

"It's bred in the bean." See? As if every bean...

As if every bean in our coffee had a pedigree.

"Baxter's Best, the Blueblood Coffee."

"It's bred in the bean."

"It's bred in the bean."

Wonderful!

How about that one, Jenkins?

The only trouble with it is I didn't think of it myself.

"It's bred in the bean." I can see it all over the nation.

In every nook and dell.

Jimmy, you're a genius.

Now that you're a capitalist, I don't know how you feel about working for a living,

but if you'd care to have a little office here...

You mean to myself? With his name on the door?

Naturally, with his name on the door,

and this young lady as your secretary.

And a reasonable stipend to be determined upon later.

I see no reason why we shouldn't shake hands on it now.

Go ahead, Jimmy. Well, gee whiz, Mr. Baxter,

I should say I would. And how, I would.

And now I suppose you'd like to have the afternoon off

while we get your office ready?

Well, I'd certainly appreciate it, Mr. Baxter.

Can she come along, too? Why, of course she can.

And a little bird tells me what kind of store you're going be visiting first.

A little jewelry store I'll wager, eh?

I guess you're not far wrong, Mr. Baxter,

but first of all I think I'll go over to Maxford House and pick up that little check.

Oh, yes. We'd almost forgotten about that, hadn't we?

Almost, but not quite.

What was your Maxford House slogan again?

"It isn't the bunk, it's the coffee."

Ah, yes. No, no.

"It isn't the coffee, it's the bunk."

Isn't that marvelous?

"If you don't sleep at night, it isn't the... It's the..."

Yes, but "It's bred in the bean."

That's the one for my money. Functional.

Precisely.

Well, Mr. Baxter, I certainly thank you.

I don't know what to say.

And thank you, too, Mr. Jenkins.

It'll be a great pleasure working with you.

And thank you, Mr. Waterbury. And thank you, Mr. Babcock.

And thank you, Miss Pettypass and... And how.

Well, goodbye. Goodbye.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye.

Goodbye.

- A big future. - Immense.

I've had my eye on him for some time.

Huh?

Say, look, kid. What?

Could I talk to you for a moment? It's kind of important.

Say, could you tell me tomorrow?

I've got to go over to Maxford House and pick up my check.

They might think I wasn't grateful or something.

Well, that's what I wanted to talk about.

You see, Harry and Dick and I... Well...

Well, what? Well, it's like this.

- You see, we... - Oh, MacDonald!

Yes, sir?

Was that "it's bred in the bean" or just plain "bred in the bean"?

"It's." You see, just plain "bred in the bean" might sound like bread,

you know, like bread and butter.

Naturally, I don't know why I didn't realize it.

Well, is that all, sir? Yes, of course.

Have a nice time and don't spend all your money in one place.

Thank you, sir. Goodbye. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Great mind. Did you wish to speak to me, Darcy?

Who me? Oh, no, sir. I was just watching them go out. I...

Well, it's been quite an exciting day, hasn't it?

Yeah, and it ain't even over yet.

And I said, "You can stay here till Hoboken freezes over."

I should have fired the whole bunch of them.

I was mortified.

The biggest moment in commercial annals

muffed by a gang of horse whistlers

who wouldn't know a slogan from a poke in the eye with a pointed stick.

I thought I'd die of embarrassment. I wish they'd died of lockjaw.

What good are these contests, anyway?

They disrupt the entire organization,

they make you millions of enemies,

and all they prove is that you're making too much money in the first place.

Since you can afford to toss a large chunk to some saphead

who probably never had a cup of your coffee in his life,

but lives on goat's milk.

Have they reached a verdict yet? I don't know and I don't care.

Now, maybe if they hold off until our next broadcast...

No, no. That would be the intelligent thing to do.

That will be useful to the company that clothes and feeds them

and sends their children to college,

so they can grow up and be dumbbells

like their parents.

Well, what do you want? The contest winner is here, Dr. Maxford.

The contest winner? Yes, sir.

Well, how do you like that one?

First they bottle up the biggest scoop of the year

and then when they get good and ready, they...

All right, send him in!

You can go in now. Thanks.

Oh, I guess I'd better wait here. Come on in.

Well, no. Maybe you had better wait here.

I guess we're a little excited. I should think you would be.

Congratulations. Thanks. I mean, for him.

For both of us.

Well.

Of all the confounded...

Come in!

How do you do, sir.

I suppose I have the honor of addressing Dr. Maxford, I presume.

That's right, and this is Don Hartman, my announcer.

Well, Mr. Hartman, it certainly is a pleasure to meet you.

I've certainly enjoyed your personality on the air.

Oh. Congratulations to you. Thank you.

Here's the telegram, Mr. Maxford. Dr. Maxford.

Yes, yes, yes.

Oh, yes. "Great pleasure informing you... $25,000.

"Kindly call and pick up your check."

Bildocker has a great sense of the dramatic.

You aren't by any chance a coffee drinker are you, Mr. MacDonald?

Yes, sir, I certainly am. Well, that's surprising.

You don't by any chance drink my coffee, do you?

Well, no, sir. You see, I... Oh, yes, that sounds more natural.

But I could easily change. That won't be necessary, Mr. MacDonald.

I wouldn't want anybody to think that I had any

base commercial motives in all this,

I just give money away because I can't sleep at night.

I have a guilty conscience. That's my slogan. The one I won with.

Oh, well, I guess you know all about that. A guilty conscience, eh?

I can see that my money is well spent. That's a great slogan.

No, no, sir.

"If you can't sleep at night, it isn't the coffee, it's the bunk."

I beg your pardon? It's a pun.

It certainly is. It's great.

Thank you. I can hardly wait to give you my money.

Bring me that contest check.

I don't know whether you've ever had

anything like this happen to you, Dr. Maxford,

but to be poor and unknown one minute

and be sitting on top of the world the next minute,

that's a feeling that nobody can ever take away from me.

Well, I... To know I won this contest

because I thought of a better slogan than anyone else

means more to me than anything else on earth,

and I'll tell you why... If you will...

You see, I used to think maybe I had good ideas

and was going to get somewhere in the world, but now I know it.

And that's what I want to thank you for, Dr. Maxford,

even more than the money.

Is this the one you wanted, Dr. Maxford, the $25,000 one?

That's right. When did they choose a winner?

I didn't know... I don't know!

They don't bother to inform me about these things, of course.

James MacDonald. Is that "M-a-c" or "M-c"?

It's M-a-c, sir. Oh, yes.

My, my grandmother was Scottish.

Mine was Lithuanian.

Here you are, young man.

It is customary under these circumstances

to have a few photographers present,

a couple of reporters and even newsreels and broadcasting machinery,

but since we do everything around here on a very high non-commercial plane,

I merely take pleasure in giving you this small check, Mr. MacDonald.

And that's all there is to it. Thank you, Dr. Maxford.

I don't know how I could ever find words... Well, never mind about them.

Just goodbye and good luck.

Oh, boy.

- Now get me Bildocker! - Yes, sir.

Oh, gee.

She's a little bit excited. Yes.

He's as cool as ice.

Well, goodbye. Goodbye.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Yes.

Mr. Bildocker isn't in his office, Dr. Maxford.

Well, why isn't he in his office?

Where is he, down in the lobby playing marble games?

You find him and tell him...

Never mind. I'll tell him myself when I see him

"It isn't the coffee, it's the bunk."

Oh, isn't it beautiful, Jimmy?

Holy smoke, I should say it is.

Of course, this is a trifle on the large side.

Now, here is a stone of more practical dimensions.

Fiery little devil, isn't it?

The magnifying glass go with it?

Of course it's entirely up to you. I was only trying to be helpful, that's all.

It's immaterial to me how big a ring you look at.

Now how about... Just a minute.

Fresh guy.

What do you think of this, for instance?

How much is it? $12,000

I wouldn't care to spend that much.

Oh, you wouldn't. No.

But I could if I felt like it. Oh, you could?

Oh.

Well, that puts everything on an entirely different basis.

Now, let me see. I'm in love with this one.

Oh, do you think it's showy enough?

I wouldn't want it to be showy. Oh, yes.

Well, there's no denying it's a friendly, little piece.

Well, then, I guess we'll take it. Yes, sir.

Jimmy.

Of course, I haven't got any cash with me, but...

But I've got a check here. May I see it, please?

Sure.

Oh, well, Mr. Schmidt, will you step this way immediately, if you please?

Well, well, well. I won the Maxford House Contest.

Isn't it wonderful? Well, dog my cats, I should say it is.

A thousand congratulations. Twenty-five thousand congratulations.

For heaven's sakes... Mr. Schmidt!

Yes, yes, Mr. Hillbeiner, I'll be there presently.

Well, kindly cut a groove, will you? Sir.

Hillbeiner has been drinking again.

Yes?

Shindel Bros. wants to know if that $25,000 check of yours

is good, Dr. Maxford.

What do they mean, "is it good"?

Tell them I'll match mine against theirs any day, and give them six-to-four.

Yes, sir. Is it good?

Commence. The Davenola. Now, watch closely.

I merely remove two cushions,

place my finger on the button marked "night,"

which is next to the button marked "day," and vice versa,

and with one easy push of the finger,

we have a double bed, a radio, an ashtray for those who smoke in bed,

a reading lamp for the most voracious reader,

a telephone, and any other accessories too numerous to mention.

Pausing merely to slip a pillowslip over the day cushion,

we complete the metamorphosis.

Everything under fingertip control throughout.

There is no limit to man's ingenuity.

Isn't that wonderful? Comes the morrow.

A flick of the wrist,

a thorough airing.

A gentle pressure on the button marked "day,"

and voilà, as the French would say.

Ready for the invigorating breakfast, the browsing book,

or the gentle game of bridge.

The price 198.50 plus tax. We'll take it.

And what a bargain you're getting. I beg your pardon?

I'm Mr. Shindel, Mr. MacDonald.

Congratulations, here's your check.

And what a check. Thanks. Say, how soon can you send it?

Mom's been wanting it so long. It's there.

Make that a special, Hillbeiner. Yes, sir.

Do you suppose your mother would like one?

Oh, no, thank you, Jimmy. We haven't got room.

We've got to get her something. We've got to get everybody something.

Well, Mama's been wanting a new iron for a long time.

She's got it. Have you got irons?

Have we got irons?

They do everything but sing.

Say, we've got to get something for Mrs. Schwartz, a doll for Sophie,

old Mr. Zimmerman, the Casey kids. Aren't you afraid of spending too much?

Oh, nonsense. The Finnegan kids. And Patrolman Murphy.

Tony Mezeppo. And Mr. Rosenblatt.

Look, we'd better just work up one side of the street and down the other,

that way we won't forget anybody. Oh, Jimmy.

I don't like to take all this without paying for it, Mr. Shindel.

Nonsense, Mr. MacDonald.

We know an honest man when we see one, don't we, boys?

Yes, indeed.

Why don't you take this check and give me the change?

We should have change for such a check.

Excuse me.

What a bargain. Thank you.

Well, Mr. Shindel, I'll bring you a check as soon as I put this in the bank.

Who's in a hurry? Drop in anytime. Drop in tomorrow.

Here are the flowers, Mr. Shindel. Thank you.

Little souvenir. Thank you.

Don't forget to call again, Mr. MacDonald. No, sir, I won't.

Goodbye. Goodbye, Mr. Shindel.

Goodbye, Mr. Shindel. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Goodbye, Mr. Schmidt. Goodbye, Mr. MacDonald.

Goodbye, Mr. Schmidt. Goodbye.

Goodbye, Mr. Hillbeimer. Hillbeiner.

Goodbye, Mr. Heillbimer.

Hill... That's close enough.

Goodbye.

Come and see us again, won't you? Thank you. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Have you got all your bundles now?

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Bye, bye.

What a boy. What a business.

Oh, I'm so happy.

I feel kind of good myself.

Can you see the faces on everybody when we get there?

Yeah, like Christmas in July.

Well, happy New Year.

It will be a happy New Year, too, from now on.

Everything new and clean and different.

Just think, Jimmy, no more worry. That's right.

That's the only terrible thing about being poor.

What kind of a house are we going to have? Any kind you like.

How about a penthouse? They come kind of high, don't they?

Oh, no, I don't think...

Oh, you fool.

Would you love me for always? Of course, I will.

For always and always? I don't know why not.

It might be a long time.

The longer, the sweeter, baby.

And then he says, "Mom, you're all wet. You can buy anything you want.

"An automobile, new dresses, furniture, the davenport, and anything."

I know. My Irving, he drinks, too. Once in a while a little bit.

Not so little...

Yes, I know, but Jimmy doesn't.

I can't think of him taking a drink unless something terrible happened.

Might'll be he lost his job. But he said he got a raise.

A raise? Who's giving raises those days?

I can't think what has happened.

They're bringing him home.

- Schweig still, who asked you something? - Oh, schweig.

Don't you worry, dear.

Maybe just a little accident, maybe just a leg... or a finger.

Come here, quick. Hurry up. Come quick.

What is it? A funeral.

Hey, Mom, come on down! You, too, Mrs. Schwartz.

You, too, Mama. We've got presents for everybody.

He's drunk. Jimmy!

I'm all right, Mom! Come on down!

Look!

Was somebody hurt? Jimmy MacDonald came home in a taxicab.

Wait a minute. I got a big surprise for you.

I want to start with Sophie.

Careful, now.

I've got a present for you, Sophie. For me?

Yes, open it up.

Wait a minute. Take it easy.

Take it easy. There's something for everybody, I think.

Mom!

Oh, what's happened? Are you hurt?

What's going on here? Mom, I wasn't lying to you.

The davenport is on the way by special delivery.

Oh, wait till you see it, Mom. Oh, then you did get a raise.

Oh, glory.

This for you. Oh, Mom.

Why don't you get wise to yourself? Who do you think you are anyway?

If it's good enough for the 11 of us, who are you to say that...

It stinks. What?

It stinks. He stinks.

One more crack out of you, Arbuster, and I'll bust you right in the nose.

All right, let's see you do it. All right, I will, you snake-eyed...

Sit down before you burst a blood vessel. Sit down, Bildocker.

Now let's talk this over in a nice, friendly way.

Magnificent and Mellow".

It's just what the doctor ordered.

It's brief, it's smooth, it's pungent.

It's putrid. Why is it putrid, Bildocker?

Because it stinks.

What do you mean, he isn't back? Why isn't he back?

Where is he? In a barbershop?

Never mind him. Tell him to go soak his head in a barrel.

- Is Mr. Arbuster there? - No, sir.

Well, why isn't he there? Where is everybody, playing pool?

Is Mr. Groble there? No, sir.

He isn't? Well, what's he having an operation?

What kind of a firm is this anyway? He's in the contest room, Dr. Maxford.

What do you mean, he's in the contest room?

The contest is over.

He's down there just the same, Dr. Maxford.

What are they doing down there, playing poker?

Never mind, I'll find out myself.

Horsefeathers.

Don't be vulgar, Bildocker. For once.

Who are yous?

Well, what are you arguing about now? Haven't you made enough trouble?

Now that it's over, I wondered if you'd be kind enough to get back to your offices

and try and sell a little coffee for a change. Or am I being too commercial?

And while I'm on that subject, I just want to tell you

that of all the congregations of fatheads

that I've ever had the pleasure of gazing upon,

you take the lard pail!

So kiss each other goodbye and get back to your offices!

All except you, Bildocker. You come with me.

Then what about the contest? Well, what about it?

Now that you've killed it, do you have to hold a post-mortem on it?

Don't you want us to choose a winner? You chose a winner?

Who chose a winner? We certainly did not choose a winner.

Well, you certainly did choose a winner.

What do you mean, you didn't choose a winner?

I mean, we haven't reached a verdict yet.

You haven't reached a verdict yet? No, sir.

Well, you certainly have reached a verdict yet.

What do you mean, you haven't reached a verdict yet?

Are you trying to stand there and tell me that you haven't reached a verdict yet?

We have not.

Then why did you send him a telegram telling him he'd won?

Answer me that! Send who a telegram?

McTavish? We didn't send any...

Who's McTavish? You didn't send any...

Well, you certainly did send a telegram. Well, we certainly did not send a telegram.

You didn't?

Well, then, who, who...

Jumping Jerusalem.

Get my lawyers! Which ones?

Schumer, Slimmer, Abercrombie and Schlitz! Get the police!

Yes, sir. Quiet!

Get me Shindel Bros.! Yes, sir.

The important thing at a moment like this is to keep cool and collected.

Collected. Holy Moses! Now, now, don't get excited. Bank the call.

Bank the call? Call the bank.

What's the matter with you? Holy mackerel.

What? Give me your hat.

Get me Minsk, Milsk, Pinsk and Minsk. What kind of a hat, Mr. Shindel?

Get a hat. Yes, sir.

Real hat. Yes, sir.

Stop!

Stop.

No, go!

And we'll go with you.

Jimmy, I'm running low.

Got another load. Oh, good.

Mary? Where's Mary? Over here.

All right, Mary.

Marsha. Marsha, there you are.

Nobody's been forgotten. Now be careful over there, Lizzie. Here.

Pick it up now!

You forgot to get a present for yourself. What?

I said you forgot to get a present for yourself.

What do I want a present for? I've got you.

Well, come on, get out and grab something. Look, Jimmy.

Here comes your davenport, Mom. What?

Your davenport. Wait, till you see it.

Come on, get them.

Take them away.

Hey, you...

Hey, what's the idea of busting up my plane?

Yeah, well, it happens to be my plane. What do you mean, "your plane"?

Jimmy MacDonald give it to me.

Yeah, and when I get through with that Jimmy MacDonald...

What's going on around here? Officer, I want all these people arrested.

Who do you think you are? Hitler?

Now, listen to me, you... Yeah, well, you listen to me, baby.

Well, can't you do something?

Say, hey...

No, no! Mama! We need to take it.

Why don't you come and help me?

No, no. Mama! Just what do you think you're doing?

You see, this is stolen from Shindel Bros. Oh, it is, is it?

He who laughs last, laughs last!

I tell you everything is stolen down to the last pogo stick.

Everything.

You see? Shindel Bros. Toyland.

He comes into my store with a phony check and when I asked him...

What? Who came into your store with a phony check?

There he is. He ain't even got the decency to run away, lowlife.

Hey, listen you. Officer, arrest that man.

You starting that stuff again?

What are you talking about? What are you talking about?

I've known that kid since he was knee-high to a cockroach.

What's he supposed to have done? Supposed to have done?

Listen to him.

He's supposed to walk into my store and flash a sour check in my face,

then he's supposed to walk out with a diamond ring

which I suppose I don't see on that girl's finger.

Then a nice fur coat which I suppose I ain't looking at yet.

Than he takes half of the toys in my store,

waves me the rubber check, and then takes a powder.

Who says it's a rubber check? Are you nuts?

Dr. Maxford of Maxford House, maybe he's nuts.

How can Dr. Maxford say it's a phony check when he gave it to me himself?

Mr. Schwindel... Shindel, thank you.

I know this boy since his papa and mama wasn't even married, yet.

The whole family is a little bit crazy.

$25,000. Can you imagine?

A dreamer.

But Mrs. Schwartz, Mr. Zimmerman... Let me handle it.

I tell you he gave me a check.

If he says he gave him a check... Then he gave him the check.

Why don't you just go home and think it all over?

Listen, you, I'll break you in so many pieces.

You're all witnesses here. He refuses... Are you trying to imitate an officer

in the pursuit of his duty? Who's trying to imitate anybody...

Officer! Officer, arrest this man. That's been tried before.

Dr. Maxford, there's been some sort of a mix-up here.

You have the effrontery even to speak to me, young man?

What are you talking about?

I just want you to tell these people that you gave me a check.

What check? The one you gave me in your office.

Let me see it. Certainly.

Oh, that check.

Oh, boy, do I feel better. Wait a minute!

Hey, what are you destroying the evidence, you crook!

Who are you, you burglar? Shindel, you schnook.

Officer, I want all these people arrested.

Listen, Mussolini... Dr. Maxford,

if there's been something wrong, why did you give me the check for?

Why did you send me a telegram?

You know perfectly well I never sent you a telegram in my life!

I never even heard of you.

You're not going to say you didn't give me a check?

That was entirely by mistake.

I was suspicious of you from the first moment

I ever clamped eyes on you.

You mean, I didn't win? You know perfectly well you didn't win.

- But... - Wait a minute.

He's entirely responsible. I see it all.

I know how big firms work. God forbid.

This is an honest boy, ladies and gentlemen.

I knew it the minute I looked at him.

You gave him the check, you numskull,

so where do you come in to have anyone arrested?

Or I should take back the merchandise that I sold in good faith.

Take down that davenport and carry it upstairs for the lady.

Enjoy it in good health. A present from Dr. Maxford.

And, here, buy the children some more ice cream.

They can enjoy my toys much better.

With love from Dr. Maxford who's paying for everything.

I'll see you in Hoboken before I pay for anything.

And I'll see you in court,

where I'll guarantee you you'll pay for everything

with costs. In a pig's nose!

Pigs or no pigs.

And I'll tell you another thing...

Oh, you will, will you?

Don't take the good ones.

It doesn't matter, honey. You can't lose anything you never had.

I don't want his old ring, or his old skunk.

What I can't figure is who sent that telegram?

Hello, Jimmy. Hello, Betty.

Hello. Hello.

What's that?

Is this the kind of davenport your ma wanted?

The crank fits on here, and when you turn it...

Makes into a full-size double bed at night. The guy says it works swell.

I don't know what you had to go get that for.

Well, we kind of hoped that it might make up for the phony telegram.

It was supposed to be a joke. It wasn't a very funny joke.

Oh.

I get it.

Oh, Jimmy.

Hi, Mr. Jimmy. Hello, Sam.

The boss gone, yet?

No, sir, he's still in there conniving on something or other.

Why don't you tell him in the morning?

Sure was glad to hear about your good luck, Mr. Jimmy.

You wouldn't be needing a valet, would you?

No, thanks, Sam.

Well, sir, I guess you is right.

Pride rises before it fall,

but it sure ain't everybody that hits the jackpot

while they is young and all. You said it.

Look. Hello, pussy.

Is it good luck or bad luck when a black cat crosses your path?

That all depends on what happens afterwards.

You said it.

It sure don't happen to everybody, sir.

Yes, sir. Look.

Good evening.

Pretty snazzy, huh?

Yeah. It's lovely.

Thank you.

Be careful. We will.

It was going to be nice, wasn't it?

Stop it, honey. Come on, now, cut it out. Come on, come on.

Come in.

I hope I'm not intruding. Oh, no, sir.

I was just coming down to see you. We stopped in to take a look at the office...

So I noticed. I hope you like it. Oh, it's beautiful.

It isn't every young man who gets his own office

and a private secretary at your age.

With many of them I might be afraid it would go to their heads,

but I think you have your feet pretty solidly on the ground.

Thank you, Mr. Baxter. Oh, I mean it sincerely.

Mr. Jenkins and I discussed our little meeting

at great length after you left,

and I want you to know that we were genuinely impressed.

Genuinely so. Well, that's certainly nice to hear...

The more we thought about your ideas,

the more aware we became of their pungency,

of their brevity... Well, there's...

of their crispness. Oh, thank you, sir. It certainly...

You have a genuine talent for slogans. It must be like having an ear for music.

Now you take me.

I sing flat, and you on the other hand, are a born sloganeer.

"It's bred in the bean". Hot zigity!

Well, it's certainly wonderful to hear, Mr. Baxter.

I kind of got something on my mind,

but you've certainly made me feel a lot better.

I mean, they're still the same ideas, aren't they?

If they were good this afternoon, they're, they're still good.

Well, they'd have to be. They're the same.

Of course they are. Of course they are.

I'm not quite sure that I have your thought.

I mean, if you thought the ideas were good this afternoon,

you still think they're good, don't you? Well, of course, I do.

Why? Well, I mean,

since they were good, and they're still good,

they have to be good,

and then it wouldn't make so much difference or any difference

if I hadn't won the contest, the Maxford House Contest, would it?

Of course it would make a difference. Oh, it would?

Well, certainly it would. Why?

I'm no genius. I didn't hang onto my father's money

by backing my own judgment, you know. I make mistakes every day.

Sometimes several times a day. I've got a whole warehouse full of mistakes.

I should say it would make a difference.

You see, I think your ideas are good because they sound good to me,

but I know your ideas are good because you won this contest

over millions of aspirants. Yeah, but you see, Mr. Baxter...

It's what you might call commercial insurance,

as when a horse wins the Derby, you back him for the Preakness.

Well, I didn't win it. The Preakness?

The contest, I didn't win anything. It was a joke.

A joke.

That's what they meant it to be, anyway. Who did?

Some of the fellows. Oh, they didn't mean any harm.

They just wanted to see how I'd look when I got the news.

Well, you tell me their names and we'll see how they look

when I give them some news. I wouldn't care to do that, Mr. Baxter.

Oh, it doesn't matter. What do you mean, it doesn't matter?

After I spend a whole afternoon listening to a lot of baloney

entirely predicated on the winning of this contest and giving you this office!

But how about, "It's bred in the bean, the Blueblood Coffee"?

Well, I don't know, what about it? We'll find that out.

There'll be plenty of time for that.

But I won't be made a fool of, you understand.

I can't go around giving out private offices and private secretaries

on the strength of a prank that personally I consider far from funny.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir!

Could be kind of hard to face that gang tomorrow morning from back at that desk.

It would be just as hard to face them from in here, if you didn't belong here.

Uneasy lies the head that... He does belong in here, Mr. Baxter.

Now, what is the joke this time?

He belongs in here because he thinks he belongs in here.

Because he thinks he... Oh, that's all very deep dish

and highfalutin, but from a practical... It is practical, Mr. Baxter.

It's the most practical idea you ever had.

He belongs in here because he thinks he has ideas.

He belongs in here until he proves himself or fails,

and then somebody else belongs in here until he proves himself or fails,

and somebody else after that, and somebody else after him,

and so on and so on for always.

Oh, I don't know how to put it into words like Jimmy could,

but all he wants, all any of them want is,

is a chance to show, to find out, what they've got while they're still young

and burning like a shortcut or a stepping stone.

Oh, I know they're not going to succeed. At least most of them aren't.

They'll all be like Mr. Waterbury soon enough,

most of them, anyway, but they won't mind it.

They'll find something else and they'll be happy because they had their chance

because it's one thing to muff a chance when you get it,

but it's another thing never to have had a chance.

His name's already on the door.

Well, if anything decided me, that would be it.

Oh, Mr. Baxter. Now you've talked enough.

The desks have already been moved and the name is painted on,

as you so skillfully pointed out,

so we'll try it for a very short time, you understand?

At no advance in salary, you understand? Yes, sir.

And for a very short time. Yes, sir.

After all, this is a business institution, not a cultural project.

Oh, you'll never be sorry, Mr. Baxter.

Yes, well, I'm a little bit sorry already, so just let it go at that.

Good night and try to be on time in the morning.

Oh, pshaw!

Isn't it wonderful?

You were wonderful, you'll always be wonderful,

but I'm a little bit leery about me. Don't talk like a fathead, will you?

This is a chance of a lifetime, and you know you've got what it takes.

You know that. I don't know.

I never did know until I got that telegram. And now I don't know anymore.

I'm like Mr. Baxter.

That's why I understood him and didn't say anything, see?

Well, even if it shouldn't work out,

it brought us together, and that's something

and I've got the ring to prove it, and you can't back out on me now,

or I'd sue you.

Oh, you poor kid.

So you see we have plenty to be thankful for.

Sure.

There's that cat again.

Good night. Good night, Sam.

Good night.

Look. Yeah.

Sure looked funny this afternoon. The old buzzard.

Was you to a fish fry, Dr. Maxford? No, I wasn't to a fish fry.

Smells like a seven-course banquet. I wasn't to any banquet, either.

Dr. Maxford! Well, what do you want?

I got some good news for you.

It took a little doing, but I won those clucks over in the end.

The way I feel about it, Bildocker, it just doesn't matter anymore.

This is the stupidest, the most asinine, the most infuriating...

But wait till you hear the slogan! But I don't wish to hear the slogan!

I don't wish to hear any more about the whole mess.

Pick your winner, send him a check and tell him to go and...

Listen to this, will you? Is this good?

"If you don't sleep at night, it isn't the coffee, it's the bunk."

Is that a slogan? It's what you call a pun,

and believe me, it's some pun.

We just sent the winner a telegram,

a guy by the name of James Mac...