Original subtitles

Bowfinger International Pictures.

Hi, this is Cherisse from AT&T.

We're wondering if your payment for $543 has gone astray.

Could you call us?

Just a reminder. We no longer need access to your residence...

to disconnect your phone.

Wow. Great script.

Great script.

Betsy, it's now or never.

We are gonna make a movie.

- Bowfinger International Pictures. - It's Carol.

How do I say this? I have an offer to go to Edmonton to do Cats.

It's a small role, but I've got to take it.

- You keep promising me... - No!

- But it's been eight months. - Carol, don't take that job.

We are going to make a motion picture. I promise you that.

- But you've promised before. - I know.

- Just be here tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. - But I can't afford...

- Please! - But you always...

This is Dave. Beep comin'.

Dave, can you get me a Mercedes tomorrow?

I want you to find out when and where Jerry Renfro is having lunch.

Just do it. Don't think about it. Just do it.

You're my buddy.

Come on.

Hello?

Afrim? It's Bowfinger. Great script.

It is?

You wrote a great script. Your accounting days are over.

Ha! He likes my script!

Afrim? Afrim?

Be here tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. 10:00 a.m.

Yes, boss.

- Slater. - Who is this?

- Bowfinger. Don't hang up. - Bye.

- Be here tomorrow at 10:00. - Ah, man, that's early.

Big meeting, 10:00 a.m. Please?

You believe in me, don't you, Betsy?

First of all, thank you for coming.

I know things have been a little slow.

- Very slow. - Slow and low.

Let him speak.

We are not the big guys. We are the little guys.

We never had muscle before, but now we do.

Because last night I read a screenplay...

that every studio in town is going to want.

And how did we get this screenplay? Because Afrim here...

is a damn fine writer, as well as accountant and part-time receptionist.

I said, "Afrim, if you can write as well as you can add..."

I didn't even have to finish my sentence. Twelve days later,

he hands me this... this masterpiece.

- Oh, thank you, boss. - All right.

Tell 'em the title.

- "Chubby Rain." - What?

"Chubby Rain." Tell 'em why.

The aliens come down to Earth in raindrops.

Yeah!

Making the raindrops chubby.

Aliens in the raindrops. Chubby rain. At the end of this movie...

when our hero, Keith Kincaid, looks up at the alien antenna and says,

"Gotcha, suckas!"

I mean, that is a moment.

Man, I don't know.

Just give me till this afternoon to close the deal.

If I don't, you can go anywhere you want.

Come here. Come here, come here.

See that FedEx truck?

Every day it delivers important papers to people all over the world.

And one day, it is going to stop here...

and a man is going to walk up...

and casually toss a couple of FedExes on my desk.

And at that moment, we...

And by we I mean me... will be important.

- Wow. - Now, today...

I have a very important meeting with Jerry Renfro.

If it goes the way I think it's gonna go,

I will see you at the Oscars.

Good job, Dave. Great work.

You've got to have this back in 45 minutes. I'm supposed to be washing it.

Has Renfro left yet?

15 minutes ago. He should be getting to the restaurant now.

If this goes like I think, I'm making you cameraman.

- Do you know what that means? - Means you'll be living up to your promise?

That's right.

And, if this movie gets made, I'm giving you my van.

It is my van.

Could you seat me next to Jerry Renfro? Thank you.

Hey, Tony, how are you?

Uh-huh. No. Send the deal back.

Uh-huh. Net, net?

If I'm gonna put $85 million into an avalanche movie,

I gotta know where the snow is.

- Uh-huh. - And it better be Aspen.

And I want to know what asshole's gonna direct.

We gotta get a director.

- Who's my star? - Get me a list.

- He's got to be international. - I need an international star.

- Who's my star? - How about Kit Ramsey?

Kit Ramsey is the hottest, sexiest action star in the world.

When I think of Kit Ramsey in this avalanche movie,

I get very comfortable.

I'm not gonna get into a bidding war with...

because even if Kit Ramsey's interested, we might not want Kit Ramsey.

Can you believe this?

Now they try to tell us who's gonna be in our movies.

Get me Kit. Get me Kit right now.

You don't put me on hold, I put you on hold.

Put me on hold and you're a dead man.

Hey, Jerry, how are you? Bobby Bowfinger, Bowfinger Films.

We worked on that thing a couple years ago.

What thing?

The, uh, famous movie?

Hey. Hi, Kit. How are you?

My man! How's Dolores?

Good. You are first in line for the script, Kit.

You can't be more first than first.

- Can I talk to him? - Huh?

- Can I talk to Kit? - Absolutely. Hey, Kit?

Got a surprise for you. Kit? Kit? I'm losing you...

Bad line?

Yeah. These cell phones are so bad.

Universal is begging me for this script, but I don't want to give it to 'em.

They screwed me once. You oughta take a look.

Let me see.

Take a look at it.

- It starts nice. - It does, doesn't it?

- All this. Yeah. - Right.

"Gotcha, suckas!" Wow, that is a catch phrase.

Isn't that good?

I just saw the poster.

Let's be risky today. I'm gonna go with this.

You bring me this script and Kit Ramsey,

and you got yourself a "go" picture, Bobby.

Uh, okay. Thanks.

Thanks.

I love what you do. Here's my card.

Just keep that.

What was that?

A "go" picture! A "go" picture!

You don't know anyone who knows Kit Ramsey, do you?

Damn it, Hal! I'm the biggest black action star in the world!

- Where's my "Hasta la vista, baby"? - What are you talking about?

My "Hasta la vista."

If Arnold Schwarnzencracker is gettin' to say lines like that,

you better make sure that Kit Ramsey has shit that's equally well-written.

- The script has that moment. - When?

You say, "I enjoyed meeting you, Cliff."

Then you push the guy right over the cliff.

That's too much for the audience to think about.

They have to know the guy's name is Cliff,

that he's on a cliff, and that Cliff and cliff are the same.

It's too cerebral. We're trying to make a movie, not a film.

You're supposed to be the agent!

You better find me a line as good as the time I told Tommy Lee Jones,

"Fuck y'all," and blew his brains out.

You know what's happenin' here?

This is another example of the white man takin' all the best catch phrases...

and then givin' them to Arnold or Stallone.

Exactly.

And Jackie Chan and Van Damme.

They can't even speak English good.

There's covert stuff goin' on. Some covert shit I just found out.

Come inside. I'm glad you're here. Come in here.

Right now, everybody. Come here.

- What you talkin' about? - Look at this. Just for fun...

I scanned in the computer the script to see how many times...

the letter "K" appears in the script.

The letter "K" appears in this script 1,456 times.

That's perfectly divisible by three.

- So what're you sayin'? - What am I sayin'?

"K-K-K" appears in this script 486 times.

Kit...

- The sickness is deep. - They playin' you.

- I've been played. - That's really not the case here.

This is a great script. It's not Shakespeare, but...

- What'd you just say? - I said, it's not Shakespeare, but...

It's not Shake... It's not Shake...

Did you hear what he's doin'?

Yeah. I know he's doin' something. I just can't put my finger on it.

Yeah. What's he doin'?

- Shakespeare, Freddy, Shakespeare! - Shakespeare.

- Shake-a-spear. Spear-chucker. - Shake-a-spear!

- I'm a spear-chucker now. - Kit!

- Call me a spear-chucker, huh? - That's not what it means!

It's my imagination, huh? It's all my imagination.

They didn't put a computer chip in LaToya Jackson's brain.

She just acts like that, huh?

I suppose Teddy Kennedy ain't one-sixteenth black, huh?

Teddy Kennedy?

He's not like other Kennedys. Look at him! He's different!

I got some calls to make.

Yeah, go make some calls. Call Arnold and Sly!

And Van Damme and Jackie Chan. Tell 'em the spear-chucker said hello!

Get my door just as fast as you get Tom Hanks's!

- Yes, Mr. Ramsey. - Wait, wait. Who are you?

They just buzzed me. Script delivery from Paramount.

- I ain't expectin' no script from Paramount. - I mean Universal.

- Maybe so. Come on. - Gotta have you sign.

- I ain't signin' shit. - It's all good. This script is "buttah."

- What? - Buttah, buttah. This stuff is buttah.

It's uh, it's uh, it's uh... It's all good. It's a jiggy baby.

Wait. How you know it's all good and jiggy baby?

I was reading it on the way. Hope you don't mind.

You read my script?

You know what I loved about this script? It's a twist on the usual.

- It's science fiction, which we know sells... - You shut up.

I'm gettin' ready to whip your ass. You don't be readin' my stuff, all right?

- Get off the property! - I just got a little excited.

I gotta get over to my MindHead meeting.

MindHead?

- MindHead? - MindHead! You need a lift?

- MindHead. I can't believe that! - Yeah! Come on in.

- Oh, yeah. Thank you very much. - What a coincidence!

- Who's your guy? - Terry Stricter. Who's yours?

- Ray. - Ray? Oh, Ray!

It's people like you that give MindHead a bad name!

You lyin' sack of shit!

Read the script. I'm a big-time producer with clout.

Welcome to MindHead.

Welcome to MindHead.

Welcome to MindHead.

Welcome to MindHead.

Welcome to MindHead. Welcome...

Seems as though you're doing much better.

- Yes. Yes. - Your paranoia...

is definitely under control since you came to understand...

Happy Premise Number One.

Happy Premise Number One: There are no aliens.

Happy Premise Number Two.

Happy Premise Number Two:

There is no giant foot trying to squash me.

Happy Premise Number Three.

Happy Premise Number Three: Even though I feel like I might ignite,

I probably won't.

So what do we do?

Keep... it... together.

Keep it together. Keep it together. Keep it together.

And what is it we don't do under any circumstances?

- Aw, man! - What is it?

I have to show it to the Laker Girls.

You cannot show it to the Laker Girls.

Keep Mr. Weenie in the pants.

Always in the pants.

I know you want to show it to the Laker Girls,

but you must never show it to the Laker Girls.

- Well? - What did he say?

Betsy, come here.

Come here. Come here.

Sit! Come.

Sit!

Good girl! Come here, come here. What a good girl.

Is she amazing? Considering you get her from the pound...

What did he say?

All right.

Okay. So, all right.

I'm at the meeting with Jerry Renfro, and it's going very well.

But, I'm looking at him and I'm thinking, I don't need him.

What I need is someone like a Kit Ramsey.

Kit Ramsey makes this a go picture.

- So, I went to see Kit at his home. - Oh, my God.

What did he say?

- What did who say? - What did Kit Ramsey say?

What did Kit Ramsey say? Okay. So.

I'm meeting with Kit at his home... By the way, he knew who I was.

Big fan. And I gave him the script, and he looked through the script.

And I said, "So, what do you think?

Are you interested in doing this movie?"

And... Kit looked at me,

and he said...

Kit just...

said...

yes.

Kit Ramsey said yes?

Kit Ramsey is doing this movie!

You told 'em we're gonna make this movie?

That's right, I did.

- You're gonna have to tell 'em. - Tell 'em what?

We're not gonna make the movie.

What do you mean? Dave, I made them a promise.

How you gonna make the movie with Kit Ramsey? He said no.

You don't think I worked that out?

We're making this movie with Kit Ramsey, except...

Except what?

Except he won't know he's in it.

What?

We secretly follow him around with a camera.

We have our actors walk up to him and say their lines.

And he's in our movie, and we don't have to pay him.

What's he gonna say?

What difference does it make what he says?

It's an action movie. All he's gotta do is run.

He runs away from the aliens, he runs toward the aliens.

I wanna show you something.

Got this all worked out, I think.

There are six major scenes with Kit.

Those are the ones in red. He's not in any of the other scenes,

so we just shoot those with our own actors on our own time.

And, bingo... we've got a movie.

- That's crazy. - Yeah.

But we're desperate.

Why don't you wait till you get a star who wants to be in it?

Dave, I'm 49 years old.

Admittedly, I could get away with 44, 41, maybe 38.

But when you hit 50, they don't hire you anymore.

It's like they can smell 50.

What's that?

When I was ten years old, I knew I wanted to make movies,

but I knew no one was going to give me that.

So I started putting away one dollar every week of my life.

If I missed a week, I made it up later, from age ten on.

And now, you're looking at enough to get us started.

$2,184.00.

But movies cost millions of dollars to make.

That's after gross net deduction profit percentage...

deferment ten percent of the nut.

Cash? Every movie costs $2,184.00.

Where do I go to be an actress?

Okay. That was nice.

We have your photos, and we'll call you when we decide.

- I have new photos. - No, these are good.

- You hated me, didn't you? - No, you were good.

You were very good.

She was good.

She had the personality of a zip code in Kansas.

She was good, but she didn't have "it."

What do you mean, "it"?

"It" is a special quality.

No matter what is going on,

you cannot take your eyes off that person.

Every word they say, every gesture you're interested in.

Do I have "it"?

I'm sorry. I wasn't listening. What?

Do I have "it"?

Yes, you do.

I thought I did.

Next. Who's next?

Is this where I go to be a star?

This is where you go to sacrifice, learn your craft and work hard.

Does that take more than a week?

I've given myself one week.

That's this, this office.

We'll take a chance, see what's up, see if you have "it."

See if you have a special quality,

if you have the illusion the first time.

Um, where do I pay? It's $25, right?

- A check? - I have I.D.

Maybe a less solid movie company could take a check,

but we can only take cash.

But I don't have any cash on me.

I have cash, but just not on me, and the banks aren't open.

There, there, there.

There's the door. We can't let you audition.

- But I drove in from Ohio and... - I'm sorry.

- Well... - I'm sorry. There.

Good-bye.

She looked pretty good, like she could act.

Yeah, she had something.

But if they don't pay to audition, it could be dangerous.

How?

Let's say she gets the part. She might want to be paid.

She had "it" maybe!

I didn't make the system! The system is bigger...

All right. If you want the responsibility, fine.

I talked it over with the man. Says he'll take a check.

- He will? - Yes.

- He listens to you? - Yeah.

"I could never be with you, Todd.

"I'm loyal to Keith. I'm loyal to him.

I could never, never kiss you."

Okay, that was very good. Let's try it one more time.

Slater, this time without the erection.

Thank you, Mr. Bowfinger! Thank you!

Thank you!

Thank you, Mr. Bowfinger! Thank you!

Afrim, we gotta get a crew,

and I wanna get the best damn crew we can afford.

¡Ándale, muchachos!

In here. In here.

Come on. In here. Buenos días, buenos días.

Welcome to America. Welcome to America.

I'm so happy to meet you. This is gonna be great.

I can tell you know what you're doing...

Thanks for making the trip. Glad to have you aboard.

Guess what. We just closed Kit's deal.

- Oh. - Typical deal points.

Name above the title. We get only one take with Kit.

One take?

And, he doesn't want to see the camera.

- How come? - It's his way of working.

He's so into his character, that if he sees the camera,

it breaks his concentration.

When do we start?

We've got the contract, so we start tomorrow at 7:00 a.m.

What is it?

I wish you could see what I see.

What do you see, boss?

The most promising group of young professionals I've ever worked with.

Hey, Cliff.

Morning, Dave.

- Good camera. - Yeah.

I gotta have it back in every night, or it's a felony. Years you'd get.

You'd get. Daisy, come on.

What if Daisy said "it's a tough world" instead of "it's a rough world."

That's good. Got that briefcase?

Would she bring his briefcase if she was so worried?

The briefcase is a metaphor for the relationship.

It's a symbol.

- Shouldn't I be in this scene? - Yeah, let me put that in the hopper.

I could be lurking behind a bush.

You know what to do.

No, no. ¡Ándale, ándale!

Okay, this is it. Places, everyone.

Like this. Roll! Speed! Marker!

Remember, don't let him see the camera.

And... action.

Come on, Daisy, go.

Back to Daisy.

Keith, you forgot your briefcase.

Keith, you forgot... You're upset.

One slipup in your tough, crime-filled world and you could die.

Keith! Keith!

Keith. Your name Keith?

No, I'm Jimmy.

But thanks for askin'.

And... cut!

We got our first shot.

Okay, here it comes.

Come on. Work, baby, work.

Keith, you forgot your briefcase.

Keith, you forgot... You're upset.

One slipup in your tough, crime-filled world and you could die.

My God, it worked. It looked like Daisy was coming out of the house.

This movie's gonna work!

Hey, Dave, did you wash my car? Workin' on it.

Okay, one scene down.

- Yeah? - Bowfinger, here's what I got.

Kit and his agent will be at the Rodeo Grille tomorrow at 12:45 p.m.

- Are we gonna be there? - Better believe it. You're a genius.

Can you see over there?

- What do you see? Do you see Kit? - Yeah.

Am I trying for you or not trying?

You're trying, but I want at least the same...

I know I ain't gonna be treated like Mighty Whitey in this town.

I put in 25 years in the theater before coming to Hollywood.

- Carol, we are almost ready. - My darling,

I still don't see why I can't meet the man I'm going to be working with.

He wants to impress you with his acting, and he needs his total concentration.

- Oh, that's just young! - I know.

I wish once I could work with someone who had honed their craft.

But right now we need that scene, Carol.

You'll get your scene.

He may not be a professional, but I am.

Oh, Carol.

White boys get all the Oscars. It's a fact.

- We know that, but look, look. - Did I get a nomination?

No. You know why?

'Cause I ain't played none of them slave roles or get my ass whipped.

That's when you get the nominations.

Black dude play a slave role, get his ass whipped, he gets the nomination.

White boy play an idiot, they get the Oscar.

Find me a script as a retarded slave, then I get the Oscar.

Oh. I'm gonna schmooze. I'll be right back.

Yeah. Go find that script.

"Buck, the Wonder Slave."

Okay, here we go.

Sound.

Lights!

Roll her.

When you left Phoenix,

it wasn't because you wanted to raise soybeans.

You had to get away. Why?

Was it because you wanted me and it burned inside of you?

- I beg your pardon? - Come back to Phoenix.

Stop this madness.

Let me in on whatever mission this is that you're doing.

- Do you know who I am? - Of course.

You're Keith Kincaid. You've come down from Wyoming...

with your damn U.F.O.'s.

You bastard! Bastard! Bastard!

- Because you prefer alien love! - Alien love?

- Why'd you say "alien love"? - I must get my umbrella.

You triggered the voices. Oh!

Freddy!

Take me to Terry Stricter! Now!

We got it.

Strange people are coming up to me on the street...

and they're speaking in Jupiterian or Venutian or something.

Okay, now.

Strangers come up to you,

and you don't understand what they're saying.

- What is that? - Maybe they're fans.

- Crazy fans. - They speak to me...

only they speak in some secret white language that I can't decode.

It's horrifying!

What do these crazy people, who speak to you and make no sense, say?

They talk about things I never heard of. They talk about people I don't know.

Somebody named Cynthia, somebody named Keith.

And aliens, sex and umbrellas.

I see.

Kit?

Do you think you can keep it together?

Yes, I can keep it together.

I'm keeping it together. I'm K-I-T, Kit. I'm keeping it together now.

Keeping it together. Keeping it together.

I'm keeping it together.

- Don't I look together? - Have you heard any more voices?

No.

Every now and then I hear a voice.

I haven't heard voices. I have heard a voice.

What did this one voice say?

As I stand here before you today,

the Laker Girls cheerleading squad...

needs to be taken down a peg or two.

You know last night... was really special.

It was. I've never done it lying down before.

- You know next time? - Yeah?

Next time I think I'd like to do it with just two condoms.

Well, if I was in the movie more, yeah.

If I was in the movie more, then we could be equals,

and I could trust you more.

We have lots of scenes together. I love our scenes.

Our scenes are the best, but I should have more scenes with Kit.

If I had more scenes with Kit,

then that would really pump up our scenes.

Afrim would be in charge of that.

He's the screenwriter.

- So the writer's in charge of that? - Yeah.

- Boss, I've got those pages. - What pages?

The new pages.

I think if Daisy had more scenes with Kit,

it would pump up the scenes with Slater.

So I wrote more scenes for Daisy and Kit, some hot scenes...

where there is... heat and chemistry.

- I don't think we need... - I think you will see.

These new hot scenes, the ones in which Daisy exposes her breasts,

will increase sales in Thailand.

Daisy agreed to this?

That is the case, although I haven't talked to her.

- Baby. - Hi.

Hello.

"A vixen in stretch pants.

What man wouldn't want a hot virgin?"

Okay. You'll do this?

If I have to. If it's for the movie, and you really want me to.

And if it's not just about nudity, but it's artistic and says something about reality,

and if it's in character and for the scene, and if it's not just a body that...

Right, right, right.

Bowfinger International Pictures.

How may I direct your call? What is it?

I tracked Kit to MindHead. He could be coming down any time.

All right, all right.

Kit feels he's ready to shoot the parking lot scene.

I just love the way this guy works.

Keep it together. Keep it together.

Keep it together.

Oh, sh...

And... cut!

- Did you get that? - Nice.

- What'd you see? Fear? - Fear. Mostly fear.

- Some insane looks. - You saw insane looks?

Oh, Betsy, you were such a good girl.

You were such a good, good girl.

All right, let's get Carol out of her trailer...

and shoot the other side of this masterpiece.

- He's brilliant. - He is.

His fear is so real. It's like it's actually happening.

- We work really well together. - That's what he was saying.

Bastard!

Darling.

Excuse me, my darling.

Darling, I respect Kit's way of working.

The no rehearsal, no contact off screen.

But it's so traditional to actually meet the person you're working with.

No, you should not meet Kit because...

we're not doing anything traditional here.

We're working in a new style. We're working in cinema nouveau.

Cinema nouveau.

It felt so good today to quit my job.

I told them, "I'm a screenwriter now."

They said, "Afrim, you have eight brothers and four sisters.

How will you earn your money?"

I said, "This is more important.

Bobby Bowfinger has given me a chance, and I'm going to take it."

You are a great writer. You really are.

I love my new scenes. They're so great. Are they going in?

- That's up to Bowfinger. - It is?

Yeah, that's sharp. Do the thing.

Yeah, I'm gonna look good in that. That's bad.

Send it up to the house for me.

Mr. Ramsey, the store would be happy...

to offer you these clothes without charge...

if you'd come back Friday, let us take a picture...

for L.A. Style magazine of you wearing the clothes.

I can do that.

It'll cost you $1,000. I'll be here Friday, 4:00.

- I'm sure that could be arranged. - Hundred-dollar bills.

Right.

I know I'm not supposed to be doing this, but I just want you to know...

that you were so real in your response to the aliens.

I wasn't sure I could be a pod person,

but now I'm enjoying it because you made the aliens come alive.

It was like they were living inside of me.

At first I was nervous about us having sex,

but now I think it's a good idea as long as we do it in a professional manner,

and, of course, there'll be a lot of people watching.

I won't bother you anymore.

He's in the grotto.

And what did this alien want from you?

She wanted to inhale my gonads!

- Say again? - My gonads! My gonads!

They come down, they pretend they're shaking your hands, but they're not.

They inhale your gonads and take 'em back for special research.

I see.

I did like you said. I got rid of the Sports Channel.

I'm not gonna have no more gamma beams from Jupiter...

messin' with my mind.

Keep it together. Keep it together.

Kit, maybe you should stay with us for a few days...

in our special celebrity relaxing quarters.

You think I need that?

I do.

Go get my checkbook.

Keep it together.

- Can't find Kit. - What do you mean you can't find Kit?

He's one of the most famous faces in the world.

You can find him.

No, we can't find him.

We staked out his house, MindHead, everywhere.

- He's vanished, gone. - Where is the guy?

We can't shoot our movie without our star.

Actors have no work ethic these days.

They keep his movements secret. That cult thing? They control him.

A lot of guys must look like Kit.

We'll round up look-alikes just for the long shots.

We'll shoot 'em from behind and not show his face.

Kit has shown his ass in eight of his last ten films,

and eight of his last ten films have been hits,

so we need a guy with a fabulous ass,

and mine is the wrong color.

Then I studied at the Moscow Arts Theater for two years...

and did a year at the National in London.

I'm currently doing a midnight production of...

Waiting for Godot here in L.A.

And are you in the union?

Yes, I am.

Currently, I'm packing fries at the Burger King on Douglas.

Do you have any experience in motion pictures?

Quite a bit, actually.

Quite a bit of experience. I'm an active renter at Blockbuster,

and I attend the Film Du Cinema...

as much as possible.

Weekly, biweekly, inter-week, intermediately.

Would you be willing to cut your hair?

Yes, but it's usually better if someone else does it.

I've had a few accidents.

- Can you see without your glasses? - Oh, yeah.

I can see.

I don't really see well, but I can see.

- Do you have contacts? - I have contact lenses.

I can wear contact lenses. That'll help.

- Can I put my glasses back on? - Sure, put your glasses back on.

I'm getting a little headache.

Would you be willing...

to show your naked rear end in a movie?

Yeah, I guess so. Yeah.

- This is hard. - Just one more question.

In addition to being a major star in this film,

would you also be willing to run errands?

Oh, gosh, I'm really hoping to get a career running errands.

That'd be a major boost for me.

- What did you say your name was? - Jiffrenson.

- Jiffrenson? - Jiff. My friends call me Jiff.

Well, Jiff, welcome aboard.

Here's your wardrobe.

All right! All right.

Awesome. Awesome.

All right.

- How do you feel? - I feel kinda strange.

- You look good. You look tough. - I do?

Yeah, like an action star. Look like an action star.

Yeah, shoulders out. Take a good, deep breath.

Suck it in. That's good. Now look.

In this scene, you're hurting inside.

You're not sure who to trust.

You wanna run into the arms of your beloved.

- Hi, I'm Daisy. - Hi. How are ya?

When I yell "action," you are gonna run from point "A" over there...

to point "B" over here.

That seems kinda hard.

Think of it as an errand.

Your errand is to run across the freeway until I yell "cut."

Oh, I get it.

But doesn't that seem a little dangerous, though?

Oh, no. We have professional stuntmen doing the driving.

You'll be completely safe.

Oh, professional stuntmen. That's how they do it!

I was wondering.

- Stunt drivers. - Okay, you ready to do one?

Sure. They're going really fast!

And... action!

Come on, Jiff!

Action!

Action!

Keith! Keith! I love you!

Action!

Cut!

Heavenly Father! Heavenly Father!

That was so great! You were fantastic!

Wasn't he great?

Congratulations! That was so good!

- I don't wanna do this anymore. - What are you talkin' about?

I don't wanna do it. I just wanna run errands. Heavenly God!

What are you talking about? Not many people can do what you just did.

The stunt drivers were really impressed.

- Weren't they? - Really?

Guess what? We got an errand we want you to do.

- Really? - We want you to go to Starbucks.

Get coffee for everybody, a really complicated order.

I would love to just go get some coffee.

- You're the only person who can do it. - I wanna get the coffee now.

Okay, but first, let's do this one more time.

Heavenly God! Heavenly God! Heavenly God!

Bueno trabajo, guys. Good work. Good work.

Mr. Bowfinger, Bob... Can I talk to you about the new scenes?

- I haven't decided about the new scenes yet. - Can I talk to you about them?

- Okay. - I mean tonight?

Okay.

I'll be right there.

Gets so tiring going out. I thought we'd eat here.

- I know the maitre d' at the Ivy. - That's so trendy.

- Do you like Vienna sausages? - Yeah. Do you smell burning hair?

This wine is so good.

You can drink all you want and not get drunk.

Oh, yeah.

A big local hit in South Dakota. What are some of your favorite TV shows?

- I love The Flintstones. - I love The Flintstones too! That's so good.

- Okay. Do you like walks in the park? - In the rain!

Oh, God! Do you know what? I want you to see The Music Man because...

- I've seen that! I love The Music Man. - Isn't Robert Preston good?

He's so good. Do you love Smashing Pumpkins?

Are you kid... I love to do that.

Have you ever had a shiatsu massage?

- I love you so much! - I love you!

I'm so alive!

That's the word. Alive! I've never been alive until now.

Never till now.

But I worry about our age difference.

- What is age? It's a state of mind. - That's the way I feel.

Who cares if when I hit my sexual peak you'll be 70?

I know! It's Bogey and Bacall.

Who?

I promise to never play mind games with your head.

You are so today.

- I wanna make love to you! - I do too!

- Oh, God! I want you so much! - I want you!

- But I worry. - Our love is bigger than worry.

- I worry about the scenes. - The scenes?

If we're gonna shoot the new scenes.

It's so hard to make love, to give yourself to a man.

Because it's the woman who's entered, the woman who's violated.

I so understand that.

To know that the man inside you is part of you,

and that he would not prevent the added scenes of yours from being shot.

- We're doing the scenes. - We are?

We're doing the scenes because I love you, you're brilliant,

I want you in this movie... and this movie is your movie.

Let me just go get ready.

I'll never use you.

I will never abuse your trust.

Thank you, Daisy.

Not at all, not at all.

All right, people, are we almost ready?

Yes.

Now what are you seeing? Are you seeing the fireplace?

We should light the fireplace.

This is a good mark?

Ah, Daisy, my sweetness.

Hi, how are you?

- Hi. - Are you okay?

Do you wanna relax first? Do you wanna shoot?

- Shoot. - You wanna shoot?

You have such a good work ethic. I so admire that.

Here's your mark. These marks are a little small. Will you be okay...

- Mr. Bowfinger? - All right, yeah.

We have a very important scene.

This is one of the hot scenes that is about heat and, and...

- Chemistry. - Chemistry.

Oh, so it's the artistic portion of the film.

Right, so give her a little room, react normally, be sensitive above all,

because in this scene Daisy's gonna take off her blouse.

Okay, all right. There's your mark.

You understand the scene. You're not sure if you still love Keith,

but you're offering yourself to him in order to save the planet.

Jiff, right up here. We're starting here.

Pan up.

And roll sound.

- All right, let's go. - Speedy.

- Mark. - You're not sure if you love him,

but you want to save the planet, and... action.

Keith, I don't know what's right anymore.

All I know is I have feelings that make me need you.

Need you now!

Awesome!

You're doing great!

You're gonna be a star.

And... cut.

How's this, boss?

What's going on with him?

We gotta do the aliens arriving from Wyoming scene,

and Kit hasn't called in.

Someone must know where he is.

I know where Kit Ramsey's going to be this afternoon.

You do?

Yes. At 4:00 he's going to be at Max's clothing store for a photo.

Every day I get an offer on this thing. It's the only one in L.A.

It's a beauty.

There's not a scratch on it. It's an award-winner.

- Sold three cars to get this. - You have a great eye for cars.

My wife tried to take it in the divorce. That would have really hurt.

- Who got the kids? - Ah, she did.

Wait here a minute.

- Manager in? - No, he's home today.

Oh, that's odd. We have a permit to shoot here today.

Weird. Well, we'll just start loading in the equipment.

- You want me to call him? - No, I'll call him from the cell phone.

There's a guy in there who's vacuuming.

Tell him you're from the studio.

- Who's in charge here? - I am.

Do you people have a permit to film here today?

Oh, yeah.

May I see it, please?

Can I talk to you for a second?

Did you ever think about acting?

- This is it. Roll it. - Mark!

And... action!

Man, Freddy, that time away really helped calm my ass, you know?

Thought I was startin' to crack up there for a while.

You ever think, there are no conspiracies?

That maybe there's no aliens, nothing like that?

Everything's just as it seems.

Being alone, by myself, in a chamber...

That was really helpful to me.

So helpful... Freddy? Where the hell Freddy?

- Hey, Freddy! - Hey, you!

- Kincaid! - Freddy!

- You heard me, Kincaid! - Freddy, don't play with me, man!

Nice try, Kincaid.

Don't act dumb. Where's the plutonium?

Listen, that plutonium is mine.

It's been registered to be used for religious purposes.

- You actually have some plutonium? - He's got plutonium?

Freddy, don't play around, man.

Freddy's about to have his guts replaced with alien hardware.

Aliens?

Oh, my God! They told me you were dead!

And now you are dead!

Hey!

Keith, you know, whenever you kill a pod person,

another one takes its place!

- You won't take me in your spaceship! - I love you!

Keith! Keith! Keith!

Keith, I love you!

Stay with him! Stay with him!

Oh, hi! I came down because I wanted to see them shoot you today.

- Shoot me today? - Keith!

My darling! Please, Keith!

Let me love you! My darling baby!

Come with me!

Stay with him.

Oh, Keith!

He's coming in here!

Cut!

Lyle, you might have won an Emmy, but that doesn't mean anything here.

I need to see the moment where you realize he loves you.

He's embroidering for you.

Doesn't that affect you in your heart somehow?

- Doesn't that make you... - Kit Ramsey!

Hey, yo! Over here, man. I got the car running.

- Freddy, show me your guts! - What you talkin' about?

- Show me your guts right now! - What?

There are pod people all over the place!

Pod people? Run! Run!

Come on. We're gonna shoot scene 35!

Keith! Keith!

Who the hell is Keith? Open the door!

Keith!

Go, go, go, Freddy!

And... cut!

You know, I must say,

I am becoming more and more impressed with Mr. Ramsey's acting style.

I'm learning a lot from him.

I haven't felt like I have been doing much of anything.

What are you talking about? You look like Kit Ramsey. That's talent.

There are people who couldn't look like Kit Ramsey if their life depended...

Robert DeNiro, could not look like Kit Ramsey.

He annoys me anyway.

If I go to the store to get some coffee for somebody,

I know that I'm the one who'll get the coffee.

I'm the one that's doing it. I'm the one that got the coffee.

I got it from point "A" to point "B." I made sure the napkin was in the bag.

I made sure there was cream, there was sugar in the bag.

I did it. Me! You know?

It's weird for... To get credit for lookin' like somebody.

What is that?

That's a gift!

I don't know how much of a gift it is. I mean, I am his brother.

And that's what's so great about working with you guys.

The story of my life.

Whenever someone finds out I'm related to Kit Ramsey,

they want me to introduce them to him, and I can understand that.

But it gets too...

It feels good to have somebody like you for you, you know?

It's great. I feel great.

- You get along with your brother? - Oh, yeah.

We haven't seen him in a while. He's been so busy.

He's crankin' 'em out, back-to-back.

He didn't even come home for last Christmas, man.

- I'm sorry, darling. - That's okay.

I'm here with this fantastic group of people...

who accept me for who I am,

just a poor, stupid brother of some guy that everybody loves.

So, are you from a show-business family?

We're screwed. We luck into the biggest thing of our life,

the brother of the world's hottest movie star,

- and it turns out I have a conscience. - Don't be so hard on yourself.

Did you hear him? He's an innocent.

He told us how much he loved us.

I just can't do it.

I gotta take the camera back. You'll work it out.

I can't do it.

- A mi me gusta el Citizen Kane. - Muy buena película.

Muy Buena. Apocalypse Now.

The Godfather. Dr. Strangelove.

- Stanley Kubrick. - A Clockwork Orange.

Mr. Bowfinger.

Mr. Bowfinger, I got something to tell you.

I have something to tell you. Come over here.

- Can I talk first? - All right, all right.

I wanna tell you something. Being Kit Ramsey's brother,

sometimes it has its fringe benefits.

How do you mean?

You'll never guess who I had intercourse with in the van.

Isn't that cool?

She gave me the works, man. She is the most inventive girl.

- Can I see you in my office? - Yeah, sure, man. She's so strong.

She's pure power and speed. Real hot.

Okay, listen. I got an errand for you.

Listen, go to Starbucks, and I want you to get some coffee.

- Go to Starbucks, and get some coffee. - Bring it back here.

You're gonna need napkins, enough for everybody.

I got that.

Call your brother, find out when he's leaving his house and where he's going.

Find out when my brother's leaving his house next, and where he's going.

Then go to a stationery store and pick up pencils.

Pencils from the store.

- Then sharpen them. - Make sure the pencils are sharp.

- You got it? - Yeah, I got it.

Coffee, napkins, stationery, find out when my brother's leaving.

- Ride like the wind. - I'm gone, man! Gone!

I wanna see you.

- We are finished. We are over. - How come?

- You had sex with Jiff. - So?

- I never thought of it that way. - I'll see you tonight?

- What time? Okay. - 8:00.

There's someone who thinks he should talk to you.

He says it concerns Kit Ramsey.

This is Bob, a level six. He's been with us for four years.

There's something he wants to tell you.

Hey, Jack, just takin' her out for a wash.

Okay, Dave.

And we still have this one last scene, the big ending,

or we don't have a movie.

- I know what else we don't have. - What?

Permission.

Did you know Tom Cruise had no idea he was in that vampire movie till two years later?

Hello?

Hi, Jiff.

He's leaving his house at 4:45 to go to MindHead.

Great work, Jiff.

Now, we really need those pencils, buddy. Okay.

- I will see you at the location. - Good.

We are about to shoot the final scene in this movie.

I just got off the phone with Kit. He is very excited.

So know your jobs. Don't screw up. Come on. Let's go.

We have one hour to get there.

Make sure Slater has finished painting that car! Come on. Let's go!

Daisy, good. Can I talk to you about the scene?

Sure.

Good, listen. This is a very difficult scene for Kit.

He is probably not gonna want to get in that car with you.

He'll probably really resist because of his character.

So you have to be very, very persuasive...

Because he doesn't know he's in the movie.

I know what's going on.

I may be from Ohio, but I'm not from Ohio.

I'm not mad.

- I'm working, aren't I? - But...

But... Who told you?

We're packed and loaded.

Oh, hi, honey.

Hi, sweetie.

Will you make sure my makeup case is in the van?

Let's hit it!

Anybody want a Frostee Freeze?

I look like I want some damn Frostee Freeze?

Holy shit!

- Reverse it! - I got it.

Hold on!

What the hell?

It's the dead guy!

Oh, please. Oh, please don't let me die!

This is awesome!

It's going down!

Right now it's going down. I'm so glad y'all here.

Okay!

- I'm Kit Ramsey! - Whatcha doin'? That's Kit Ramsey.

You know who I am, right?

Please, one at a time. I can't hear you.

I'm number 13 on Premiere's power list.

What are you doin'?

Uh, tough guys like you don't get far in this world, mister.

We've been gettin' pursued by alien forces!

Ah, aliens!

I knew I should never have slept with the alien life-forms...

from the star system Neon!

Oh, shit!

My gonads! My gonads!

Keith, there's only one way out of this. Follow me!

Kiss you? Now?

Keith, danger really turns you on!

Get in the car.

We've got to get to the alien antenna before the summer solstice!

You best hurry! I'm Keith.

That way, Carol. This way.

Hi, Bill, we're here!

Put the tripod there. All right, ready?

We gotta eat, Keith. How we could know if we're starving?

I needed love, love so strong, but the alien embryos had already...

Hit the lights! They're coming up the drive.

Action.

Get out!

There's the alien antenna.

That's where you must go to say, "Gotcha, suckas!"

If you don't, we will all become pod people.

Cut! Let's move the camera.

...already impregnate everyone, including the C.I.A. and the F.B.I.!

Soon as you're set, start rolling on the stairwell.

In here!

They're all aliens worshipping their false gods.

- Come on! Come on! - No! No!

Keith, keep running since you're the one person...

I got 'em.

Oh, shit!

Cut to the stairwell.

Then I realized it was you that I loved and...

Okay, the roof is your next shot.

Bastard! Bastard!

- No, no, I'm Keith! - Bastard!

Stop it!

Stop it!

Oh, shit!

She was from the planet Neon!

Am I stupid!

Don't bring that shit over here! Put that down!

And cut! Okay, outside.

Drop that shit!

We must run.

We have only 40 seconds before the ax will come down!

Okay, this is it. We only need one shot.

Only one thing can stop them now.

- If you say, "Gotcha, suckas!" - What?

- Okay, put your hands right here. - What?

Go! Cue the pyrotechnics.

Hey! Shit!

Oh, my God! It's time!

Look into the sky and say, "Gotcha, suckas!"

Kincaid!

- G... G... - Gotcha, suckas!

Come on, say it.

G... G...

Come on, say it!

Well!

It seems the paranoid...

are sometimes actually being followed.

This film is only for Madagascar and Iran,

neither of which accept American copyright or trademark law.

Terry! Hi! I'm Keith Kincaid.

I saved the world.

I saved it.

I have eight brothers, four sisters, and no job! I'm screwed!

There's no movie! I can't believe there's no movie!

I wasn't looking for work, 'cause I thought I was working.

I showed my breasts on film. For what?

I'm a felon.

My friends, I have a cousin who's a lawyer.

I say we take action. We sue. Sue! Sue!

Carol, what do you think?

I think...

I think it was a beautiful lie.

It could've worked.

Boss, what you want me to do with this stuff?

- What is it? - It's the film.

I told him to follow Kit around and get some random shots.

We could've used it.

The trash is outside.

- I wanna take a look at it. - Why hurt ourselves?

We need Kit Ramsey's permission, remember?

Why didn't someone bring that up to me at some point?

Hold up, hold up, hold up. Serve.

Useless.

A tennis-playing alien fighter.

Nice work, guys.

Thank you, Mr. Bowfinger. We used a Pro-Mist,

and tried to open up the aperture so we can give him a rim light.

What's he doing?

I think we just got our permission.

Hey, Laker Girls.

It's not funny!

You realize there's not a court in the country...

wouldn't consider this blackmail!

You know what? I don't know anything about blackmail...

'cause I'm just a guy with a great film in the can.

All I really need is a shot of Kit saying, "Gotcha, suckas"...

and a couple of close-ups.

Or we tag our film with a shot of Kit wagging his thing at the Laker Girls.

Which is a great ending. Who wouldn't wanna see that?

Although technically, it's not such a good ending for Kit...

because it could sort of stop his money flow...

and possibly make that family film he's about to do, just pff-ff!

We'll have to think about it.

I mean, we'll have to think about it... for Kit.

Well, now that you've had time to think about it,

what do you and the other fellows here at MindFu... Head think?

- Give it up for Kit! - Yeah!

Hey, good to see you.

Sir? This way.

Not bad seats. Not bad seats at all!

C.I.A. operative, Todd Delmonico,

drove his '53 Buick to meet Keith Kincaid.

Kincaid!

It had rained. But was it normal rain? Or was it Chubby Rain?

- Freddy! - You heard me there, Kincaid.

Hey, Freddy?

Freddy's about to have his guts replaced with alien hardware!

Gotcha, suckas!

Oh, yeah!

A hit. A hit.

Hey, you guys!

I want you to meet somebody.

Everybody, this is Farrah. Farrah and I met at the premiere.

Farrah's one of the most powerful lesbians in Hollywood.

Bravo!

I can't talk to you right now.

It's an offer to direct a movie in Taiwan starring Kit Ramsey's brother.

- Oh, my God! Are you serious? - Bravo!

We're goin' to Taiwan!

Jiff! Jiff!

Good to see you again, brother.

Ching-haya-shaka-lay, suckas!

I saved the world!

I saved it.