All language subtitles for Ghosts.2021.S05E20.WEB

Madame Ghost Representative,
we have a cabinet meeting

with Samantha
in the living room.

Oh, right. Uh, thank you, Isaac.

I mean,

Mr. Vice Ghost Representative.

-Mm-hmm.
-Cabinet meeting?
I didn't know the ghost rep

actually did anything.

That was true
under Creepy Dirk, but

under a Montero-Higgintoot
administration,

we will restore the position
to its original intent,

to pester and annoy Samantha
with minor requests.

Jay's been cooking
a lot of pancakes recently.

Could you ask Sam to tell Jay

that I would like to smell
something savory for breakfast?

Trevor, it's on the agenda.

But, uh, Flower, uh,
we were gonna go on walk.

Remember? I want
to show you dead bee

that die in funny position.

Look like it dancing disco.

Oh, right. Shoot. I...
Can we do it later?

Yeah, okay. I mean,
if it not get eaten

or wind not blow it
into unfunny position.

Seems sort of risky to wait,
but okay, yeah.

Cool. See you later, Thor.

Man, that can't feel good.

- What you mean?
- Well, it just seems

like now that Flower's
big and important,

she don't have time for you.

- You're the Stedman
to her Oprah.
Oof.

That's tough, but true, Trev.

Who is this Stead Man?

Well, Oprah's a very successful
and powerful woman,

and Stedman is her man
who's just kind of there.

But Thor First Gentleman.

And we love that for you.

Is important role
in its own right.

That's such
a Stedman thing to say.

She's pulling up!

Who's pulling up?

Oh, you remember
that woman Paula,

the producer
who shot an episode

of the docuseries
Dumb Deaths here?

Oh, yeah, you played Flower,

and Jay got shot in the ass
with an arrow.

That was a fun afternoon.

Well, she wants
to scout Woodstone

as a possible filming location

for the upcoming season
of... Pete?

It's Getting Hot in Here:
All Star Edition.

By Odin's loins, yeah!

Okay, maybe curb your excitement
a little, Thor.

We don't want her thinking
we got bad wiring.

Yeah, I got to run.
I just got to the location.

It's still run-down,
but yeah, hopefully cheap.

-Sam, Jay, good to see you.
-Hey, Paula.

Great to see you.
I love your purse.

Ugh, yeah, it was a splurge.

I have a bit of
an online shopping problem.

Every time I take an Ambien,
I black out

and see the damage
on my doorstep the next day.

I like this one.

She's a spitfire.

Excuse me. What is it?

Well, you tell Lacey Chabert

that we think Mrs. Claus
would wear that bathing suit,

and if she doesn't come out
of her trailer,

Melissa Joan Hart
is circling the parking lot.

Sorry, I also produce
holiday rom-coms.

Oh, my God. I love those.

-Yeah, you fit the demo.
-Thank you.

I don't know that
that was a compliment.

Did you by any chance produce
Single and Ready to Kringle?

By the skin of my teeth.
That was a tough shoot.

Our Rudolph
got a little hoofsy on set.

Mm. Can I take you
to your room, Paula?

Absolutely.

Hello?

Because it's called
Christmas in Cabo, Lacey,

and Mario Lopez already agreed
to wear a Speedo.

Yeah, I want to see
how this plays out.

Sam, this is incredible.
You should tell Paula

about the holiday rom-com script
you've been writing.

Polar Opposites?
Oh, I don't know.

Yeah, Joan read it and loved it,

and she was
a professional screenwriter.

I just don't know if it's ready.
What if Paula doesn't like it?

Hey, you miss 100% of the shots
you don't take.

I said that to Jerry
once at a bar

when he told me
there was a girl he was into,

and he didn't think
he had a chance, and--

Cheese and rice, that was Carol.

Flower, I've been thinking,

with your recent election,
it would be nice

to honor the occasion
with some sort of gathering.

Mm. You mean like an orgy?

Like that, in that
there will be people there,

but I was thinking more along
the lines of an inaugural ball.

Flower, this is a big deal,

and it deserves
to be acknowledged.

I actually attended
Nixon's inauguration.

Well, a riot outside,

which I thought
was going to be funny

because someone was like,
"It's a riot,"

but it was an actual riot.

Ladies.

Oh, hey, Isaac. Hetty was just
telling me about the clothed,

nonsexual inaugural ball
she wants to plan.

Oh, that's a great idea,
and I could make some remarks.

I could speak about
the invention of democracy,

from Athens to Higgintoot.

And I shan't steal
the spotlight.

Three, three and a half
hours tops.

Isaac, that...
that sounds wonderful.

Unfortunately, you're
far too valuable to attend.

-What do you mean?
-You're the designated survivor.

God forbid, something
should happen at the ball--

say, some sort of
mass suck-off event--

the remaining ghosts
would require a leader.

We simply cannot lose
both Flower and you.

So, instead of being
a featured speaker,

I'm just not there at all.

Because of how important
you are.

Makes sense.

Just an update...
disco bee blew away.

-Oh.
-What going on here?

Well, I am planning
a fabulous inaugural ball

for our Madame
Ghost Representative.

I am not invited. Too important.

Wait. This feel like something

First Gentleman
should be planning.

Oh, I didn't know you cared
about this kind of stuff.

Well, if it
about Flower, then Thor care.

It's just that,
as the lady of the house,

I do have extensive experience

planning these sorts
of upscale events.

Well, maybe you two
could plan it together?

-Hetty, would that be okay?
-Well, I...

imagine it would be valuable
to have his...

- unique perspective.
- Good.

We plan together then.

And trust me, Thor know parties.

Thor once throw Viking party
where we slaughter caribou,

drink still-warm blood,

and then feasting
on its innards.

Well, no idea's a bad idea.

So, Paula, will McNair
and Jordana be back

for It's Getting Hot in Here:
All Stars?

Jordana, yes.
McNair, unfortunately,

is going on next season
of Sex House,

which frankly,
feels like no premise at all,

but people love it.

What has happened
to my industry?

Knock, knock.

Just wanted to see
how you were settling in.

Not true.
Our girl's got an agenda.

Everything's great.

McNair's making the leap
to Sex House.

-Champa's gonna freak.
-So,

I know how you mentioned earlier

that you produce
holiday rom-coms...

- You got this.
And I'm sure
you hear this all the time,

but I am actually a writer,
and I have this script.

- What's happening?
- Is there any chance

you might take a look?

Well, I don't usually read
unsolicited material.

But for you, why not?

Really? Thank you. Here you go.

-No.
-What?
-Huh?

You can't let her
read that script, Sam.

-I thought you said
you liked it.
-I was being nice.

If this producer reads
that script, you're done for.

Hey, Paula, my mom's asking,

"Will 'Brad the Assman'
be on this season?"

It wouldn't be
All Stars without him.

She's gonna be so happy.

You need to get that script
back from her at all costs.

You know, Paula,
on second thought,

maybe I could just do
a quick typo pass.

- Oh, I don't care about that.
- Ugh, I'm serious, Sam.

You only get one chance
at a first impression.

And now, I'm actually realizing,

that's not even my script.

That's my will.

Jay, you're in
for some good stuff.

Unless you're the one
who did it.

What is happening?

Okay, this vamping right here,

this is gold compared to most
of her second act.

Okay, if you want to do
one last pass, fine.

-I have an hour in the morning
to read something.
-Thank you.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go see if a spray-tan
booth will fit in the pantry.

They come out of those parkas
looking pasty.

Love the behind-the-scenes
tidbits.

Sam, what the hell's going on?

Well, Joan lied to me.

First, she told me
she loved the script,

and now, she's saying
it's a disaster.

I didn't say disaster.
It's just not read-ready.

But we have
the whole rest of the night,

and I died on a little bit
of amphetamines,

so let's get out
your Smith Corona

and make this puppy sing.

Are you gonna help me do
a rewrite on Polar Opposites?

Yeah, it's already most
of the way there, sweetheart.

We just have to put
our two heads together,

like in my Siamese twins comedy,
Seven Brides for Six Brothers.

Oh, we actually
watched that one together.

It does not hold up.

Much like Cindy and Mindy's
shared neck.

So, I hear you two are planning
Flower's inaugural ball.

What are you thinking?

Well, I am advocating
that the evening commence

with a series of dances.

A waltz, a quadrille,

a polka if we're feeling frisky.

Boring!

First Gentleman
have better idea.

We have Sam and Jay capture Dane

and then watch as they throw
frozen cabbages at head.

And I just think

perhaps Samantha may balk
at kidnapping a Danish person.

Doesn't have to be Dane.

Thor would settle for

Finn or Swede.

Dutchman in a pinch.

I think these are all
great ideas.

As far as decorations
are concerned,

I was thinking lilies,
perhaps some bunting.

- Classic.
Thor think
decorations

should be more fish-based.

Well, what a shocker.

Oh, like, uh, like
an "Under the Sea" theme?

No, more like fish
out of the sea

and being smoked from rafters.

Will be most pungent.
Perfect for party.

We will not be having

rotten fish carcasses

at Flower's inaugural ball.

Not rotten.

Cured by cold smoke.

You see what Thor
have to deal with here?

Okay, okay, but hear me out,

what if we put the scene

where Nathan
and Jenny kiss here?

Before the mix-up
at the peppermint factory?

I don't like it, I love it.

We are bippin' and boppin'.

You really can move fast

when you don't have to literally
cut and paste the paper.

Just to circle back,
did you guys

hear my pitch about
the locomotive engineer

- being a snowman?
- Yeah,

wouldn't the heat
from the steam engine

make him melt?

Okay, the mayor is a polar bear,

but sure, let's be rigorous
about the laws of thermodynamics

when it comes to snowmen
driving trains.

So, that just brings us
to our ending.

Which I think really works now.

Y-You don't think it's a bummer
they don't end up together?

No, that's what makes it fresh.

Jenny chooses herself.

It's a rom-com.
Don't reinvent the wheel.

Just give the people
what they want.

Okay, I think I'm gonna stick
with my ending,

and if Paula doesn't like it,

that is feedback
that she can give me.

Sam, I mean it.

A downer ending
can ruin a whole read.

Joan, I've made my decision.

Thank you, but I'm gonna go
print this out

and give it to her
in the morning to read.

This is not good, Sass.

The ending is everything.
Sam's gonna blow this.

Maybe Paula will like it.

You're saying Sam
knows better than me?

I'm saying she's alive
and might have

her finger on the pulse...

...you know, 'cause she has one.

Okay, what about this?
We run a little test.

You go into Paula's dream
and suss her out.

See if she has any
strong feelings on happy endings

versus that nuanced mumbo jumbo
Sam's been pitching.

Interesting. And then we can
present Sam with the evidence.

-Okay. Yeah. It's a good idea.
-Thank you.

See how easy that is to say?
That something's a good idea?

We're not doing
the snowman thing.

Flower.

The, uh...
planning committee

is at an impasse, so we need

the Ghost Representative
herself to weigh in.

Great, let's go find her.

Flower, that you.

Right. Right. Oh, cool beans.

So, as a neutral party,

Peter will lay out our
competing visions, anonymously,

for you to make
an unbiased opinion.

- Sure. Works for me.
- Okay.

I will be presenting
two very valid, viable options.

You'll have no idea
whose is whose.

Option A:

we begin with dancing,
then proceed to toasts,

followed by
the smelling of brandy.

The room will be
festooned with lilies

and filled with classical music.

Hmm, that sounds nice.

Option B, again,
completely anonymous:

we will line the rafters
with smoked fish.

We will humiliate someone
of Northern European descent,

and we will smell copious
amounts of rams' testicles.

Hmm...

Those both sound great.
Um, let me think.

Ooh, tough call.
I guess the first one,

-if I have to pick.
-Damn it, Pete!

Why you not sell Option B good?

You totally leave out cod luge.

I guess I wasn't clear
on what that meant exactly.

Like, is the luge
shaped like a cod

or do the cod slide down it?

- Both, obviously!
- Thor!

It does not matter
who came up with what.

Flower herself has given us
a direction,

and we need to honor
her decision.

No. Thor not want
to plan party anymore,

because apparently,

First Gentleman
actually Worst Gentleman.

Ugly moment but, I got to say,
nice wordplay.

So then,
I went into Paula's dream

to try to find out which type
of ending she prefers.

Well, what did she say?

He got no answer.

She started asking for context,
and we got sidetracked.

She had a lot of questions.

Yeah, sure, it's hard to just
judge an ending out of context.

We just ended up getting into
a lot more details

that I hadn't
planned on discussing,

and then, Mario Lopez came in

to see if she was ready
for her massage,

and then,
Paula asked me to leave.

Hey, guys. Today's the big day.

Oh, Joan, thank you so much
for all your help last night.

I am so excited for Paula
to read the script.

-I hope she likes it.
-I'm sure she will, kiddo.

Yeah, and then we can all
celebrate together

- at the inaugural ball.
- I won't be attending.

I'll be sitting alone
in the woods. Surviving.

Designated surviving.

I don't care
if it's 5:00 a.m. in L.A.

I have to tell you about
this idea I came up with.

I'm on with the coast.

It's a holiday rom-com
set at the North Pole,

and get this,
it's called Polar Opposites.

It came to me in a dream,
fully formed.

Jenny Polar is in love
with Nathan Opposites.

What did you do, Sass?

It was Joan's idea.

You went into
Paula's dream and told her

my movie idea?
How could you guys do this?

-I'm sorry, Sam.
-No, it's my fault.

I-I was so desperate
to prove I was right.

It's been so long
since I've been in the game.

I got carried away.

Samantha, there's
a simple solution to this.

Just show her
your completed script.

What would that prove?

At best, she'll think
that I had the same idea.

In which case,
why buy it from me?

And at worst, she'll think
I heard her on the phone

and had AI spit out a draft.

A.I. Rosenberg? That guy's
still knocking around?

He was no spring chicken
in my day.

Okay, we can figure out
a solution.

There is no solution.
She thinks she came up with it,

and now, my movie's
gonna be made,

and I will get
none of the credit.

Not so fast.

We had a term in my day,
"gaslight,"

based on a 1940s film
of the same name,

in which a husband
convinces his wife

she's gone crazy.

That's still very much
a term today.

So, here's what I'm thinking,
we gaslight Paula

into thinking
she's read your script already.

Okay, but how do we do that?

Oh, I know exactly how we do it.

The seeds were planted
in the very first moments

she arrived here at Woodstone.

You couldn't write it
any better.

Hey, Thor.

Just wanted to check on you.

You seemed pretty upset before.

Thor not upset.
Thor just confused.

Not sure how anyone at party
will have fun

without fish luge.

I guess I'm just a little
surprised you care so much

about planning a party.

Why?

Thor love party.

Some of Thor's biggest heroes
plan party.

Sven the Reveler.

And the Great Lisas--

Rinna and Vanderpump.

Thor, what's this really about?

You Ghost Representative now,
and...

Thor very happy for you

but just worried
that new fancy Flower

not need Thor anymore.

What are you talking about?

You need Thor spell it out?

You Oprah,

Thor Stedman.

Who's Stedman?

Exactly!

-Oh.
-Look,

Thor just figure that if he plan
party as First Gentleman

that it make Thor useful.

That he not get...

left behind.

Thor.

Just because I'm a little busier
and have some big title now

doesn't mean
you're going to get left behind.

No?

If anything, having more
on my plate makes me realize

how precious
the free time I do have is.

And I love spending
that free time with you.

Thor love you more than
Sven the Reveler loves reveling.

Which was kind of his thing.

Okay, the computer's all set.

Is Jay in position?

Affirmative. He's ready to go.

Let's gaslight this broad.

Hey, Paula. I have
some fresh towels for you.

Come on in.

So, how are you enjoying
your stay?

It's been very productive.

That's great.

Look, I, uh, got to ask,

what did you think
of the script?

What script?

Polar Opposites.

What?

What are you talking about?

Did you hear me talking
about that earlier?

I'm confused. That's the script
I gave you to read last night.

Hey, Paula.

You got a delivery.

I did?

Now go, go.

I didn't order anything.

And I don't know

what you're talking about
with a script.

I had a dream about a movie,
Polar Opposites.

But it was my idea.

Paula, I don't want to be rude,

but are you gaslighting me?

What? No.

I think I might know

what happened here.

Um, is it possible

that you may have taken
an Ambien last night?

I don't remember
taking an Ambien.

You guys are monsters.

- Well done.
- Yeah.

Didn't you say that sometimes
when you take an Ambien

you kind of black out
and online shop?

Mm.

That would explain the delivery.

Uh, I didn't order anything.

Oh, but there's
a bunch of purses for sale

on your computer.

Mm.

Ugh.

That's weird.

I usually have much better taste
when I black out.

Jay got that for Sam
for their last anniversary.

Ooh. Swing and a miss.

Oh, my God!

"Polar Opposites. Screenplay
by Samantha Arondekar.

A Samantha Arondekar joint"?

-Maybe I should...
refamiliarize myself.
-Of course.

Take your time.

Uh, and just for
what it's worth,

I really like the purse.

I think you can wear it
for a fancy night out

or, you know, even a casual trip
to the grocery store.

It's dog crap.

Let her read.

Well? What did you think?

I'm completely sober
and I still love it.

- You are one hell
of a writer, young lady.

That's a relief.

But I can't take all the credit.

-What do you mean?
-I owe

a debt to the trailblazing
female screenwriters

who came before me.

Okay.

It was all you, Sam.

I just helped flesh it out
a little.

I do have one note though.

The ending.

It's a bit of a bummer.

Really? I thought
it might be, you know,

-fresher if--
-No, no, no.

You want fresh,
work at a farmers market.

We want the girl to get the guy,
the guy to get the girl,

and Mario Lopez to show up
at the midpoint in a Speedo.

I'm not joking.

He's got a two-picture deal.

Make that happen.

That's a good note, Paula.

People love a happy ending.

Mm. Remember?
That's what I was saying.

So Mario Lopez

in a Speedo at the North Pole
in the middle of winter

makes more sense
than my snowman pitch?

-Yes.
-Yeah, I'm gonna watch
the crap out of this movie.

Thank you, guys, so much.
I had a really groovy time

at my inaugural ball.

Got to hand it to you, Hetty.

That was best non-orgy party
Thor ever attend.

Aw.

And I am personally glad
we ended up going

with your hanging cod idea.

It was a pungent addition

to an otherwise aromatically
conventional affair.

Hey!

Hey, babe. I'm trying
to make cod for dinner,

-but there's none
in the freezer.
-Yeah,

it's hanging from the rafters
in the ballroom.

-Okay.
-Anyway,

big news. Paula emailed

and we are officially booked
to host

It's Getting Hot in Here:
All Stars.

What?!

It getting hot in here?

Yes.

My mom is gonna freak out

if I get to meet Skylar L.

And, also,

Paula confirmed
that she submitted

my screenplay to the studio.

And, apparently,
they're "excited to read."

Yes! Oh, babe,
I'm so proud of you.

Oof.

Isaac's gonna be so jealous

Polar Opposites
might be made into a movie

before his vampire book.

I want to tell him.

Hold on. Where is Isaac?

Did anyone tell him
that the ball is over?

I mean, it ended

three hours ago.

I'm sure
he figured it out by now.