All language subtitles for Scary Movie[CAM]-1080P_mp4_auto_standardbalanced

Hello. Girl, if it catches, it's class.

Hmm. Hmm.

Hmm. Hey

girl, want some brown liquor?

Brown liquor don't make this pussy pie.

Tequila it is.

There you go.

Viva la riva Lucia!

Now that shit right there making pussy pie
boy.

He ain't staying.

So what are you doing here anyway?

What do you think I'm doing here?

I'm starting an opening scene.

Been there, done that.

Pick up the phone!

Pick up the phone!

Richie? Teyana, hey.

I thought it'd be easier for the audience if
we didn't have to read more texts.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Cause you know these motherfuckers can't
read.

I know who goes to see your wedding's
breakfast for me.

Well it's nice to phone me during this super
awkward way.

Likewise, but I gotta be honest.

When I see your profile picture, bitch
you're almost white less because you look

mad goofy. But surprisingly, you know, goofy
niggas got busy too.

So here we are.

I'm taking for a Jersey girl.

A Jersey girl?

Listen, I love Jersey down.

But I'm a Harlem girl.

Born in motherfucking raids.

Real niggas only.

Yeah. Oh, so you're black.

No motherfuckers, I'm black.

All cats. No cat.

The cat. Fuck all y'all.

Bitch split them pearls back up.

Like what's your shit?

Hello. So tell me, what's your favorite
scary movie?

I don't really do them.

You know all the stupid tropes and shit, why
is it always the white bitch at

the end? Cause they know it's too hard to
kill a sister.

You know what I'm saying?

Cause the sister can survive government
cheese.

We can survive anything.

You know, it might help if you met me
outside.

Met you outside?

Boy, you this needy.

What you find must be a Scorpio.

How'd you know?

Good dick though.

The toxic is hate.

Hey, you still respawning here in alley?

Yes, hurry, put a wall of your ass.

Roll a bitch?

Nah, not today.

She's a bitch.

Her drill. Okay, I'm coming down the alley
now.

I'm here. Can you see me?

I'm waving. No.

The person I'm looking at is not waving.

I've had them just staring at me.

Oh stare at his ass back.

And don't blink.

Never blink. You got sparse polyps in the
heart.

What? No, they're walking towards me now.

Oh no, they have a knife.

Why don't we just ask over here?

That's not the worst part.

The worst part is, you know so much about
horror movies, and

yet you still walk into the alley alone.

Yeah, what the worst part is, you're fucking
with a New York bitch.

Go, go. Oh, yeah!

Go, Yohan!

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Wait a minute.

He found some adventure shit.

Seriously, then? I ain't recognize a bird.

I thought you were going to war with it.

That's a pigeon, nigga!

It's supposed to be...

Go, go,

a hawk swooping in the tent!

Not bad. Are you done?

What the hell?

Bitch, I'm Tiana too.

My abs got abs.

We can cut this out!

Somebody help me!

Now, get

your own wrestle.

Hey, Tiana. You might have kicked my ass.

But you're still in win that, Oscar.

What'd you say about my Oscar?

Did I stutter?

You lost. You're right.

But I'm going to go to glow, bitch.

Oh, my God, really?

So that's why I never watched horror movies.

It's fucking terrible.

Just a bunch of celebrity cameos and fart
gags.

So you don't like parodies?

I'm more into jet-aptotal films.

You know, elevated comedy.

And what is elevated comedy?

The kind that doesn't actually make anyone
laugh but makes white people feel smart.

Tuesday, don't answer that.

There'd be ghostbates.

Come on, Elle.

Stuff like that only happens in the movies.

Oh, hey. I wasn't expecting you to answer
the door.

What the fuck?

Here's my knife.

This is... Hello.

Tuesday. Miss?

What'd you say?

Just a root of lin for my ADHD.

Adderall for PTSD.

A couple of Xanax for my anxiety.

And you put her pills.

So good luck getting it up now.

Jesus, Sarah! How many did you take?

I don't know how many come in a bottle.

Hey, Jeff. Sarah, two days in the hospital.

She was stabbed by a killer.

You know, ghost space.

Wait, from routine?

Why would ghost space kill her?

It could get you pretty Tony.

It could get you Starkula from stabbing my
sister.

Sarah, it wasn't ghost space killer.

It was somebody in a ghost space mask.

Oh, okay. That makes more sense.

I ain't the one!

Jesus, Jack! What?

I was thinking about wearing this for
Halloween.

My strange flat-tested half-sister was
nearly killed by a psycho in a ghost mask.

Now I can see her.

Can't make up for the past.

Well, hey, hey, hey.

I'm going with you.

Not because I'm the obvious killer trying to
lure you back to your hometown.

I'm just a supportive boyfriend.

Yeah. That's all.

Okay, let's go.

Get in the car.

Listen, we just have to make one stop on the
way.

I survived.

Oh, thanks to my lucky penny.

Look around, look at what is up.

Look out. Look out.

Hey, we know we can give you a hug.

Come on. I'm going to turn off this ratchet
-act music.

It's embarrassing, especially for black
women.

It's not embarrassing.

I'm the cool mom.

Everybody wish they had.

I'm lit. Don't forget I got practice later,
so I'll be home late.

You only made the team because you're black,
and those racist fucks assumed you

could play. It's 2026.

I don't think race is an issue.

Do you read Black Twitter?

No. Right. Are you still dating that hoe?

Okay. Stop hoe-shaming her.

Just because Darryl and them ran a train on
her doesn't make her a hoe.

She's not a hoe.

She's sex positive.

Well, I'm positive she's a hoe.

Hey, girl, look at you.

Early for Halloween, huh?

What you do?

She's a bloody school girl.

Happy house. Hi, Miss Mings.

I love the hair.

Very...I'll take your sponsor.

Well, thank you very much.

I got it.

If I do, I'll make you a little shitpack.

Ooh. You don't want it.

I gotta get to African American History
Clan.

We're learning about slavery.

We've come to find out.

It was a choice.

You see that right here?

That's Kanye. That's right.

They've been teaching us wrong all this
time.

Stay black. Bye, Mom.

Bye, baby. Bye, Miss Mings.

Bye. Then I put some condoms in your bag.

You know how they try to trap you.

Wow. Okay. Seriously?

Sheriff, you don't have to walk into class.

I'm fine. Jess, there's a serial killer on
the loose.

I'm not going to let anything happen to my
baby girl.

Boy, okay? I'm a baby boy.

I'm sorry. I'm having a hard time with this
transition.

Okay, it's really simple.

Treat me like one of the guys.

Okay? I can do that?

Yeah. Slap fight.

Oh, you call that a slap?

Oh! What the hell did you do that for?

Oh, I'm such a bitch.

Oh. Bitch. Oh, my God.

You're not bad.

I'm a bitch.

Well, I'm just like this.

I'm a bitch.

Oh, honey. It is so good to see you.

Come in. Do you want some tea?

No. Oh, my God, Mother.

You look like shit.

Babe, please. This is clearly a woman who's
run out of condition.

Oh, be careful where you walk.

The whole place is booby-trapped.

You never know when that cyclist's going to
come back.

Come here.

Okay. I

hate this job.

I just don't know.

Mrs. Campbell.

I'm Jack, Sarah's boyfriend.

I've heard so much about you.

Uh, not a big good.

I've heard nothing about you, Jack.

I assume you're a piece of shit.

But how would I know when I haven't heard
from my daughter in what, six months?

Six years, Mother.

And whose fault is that?

Whose fault is that?

I don't know.

Maybe it's yours.

That's fair. We want to learn.

From the horror you survived.

Look, scary movie three and four paid me a
lot of money for a girl.

There is nothing to learn there.

But if you want to talk about the house,
buddy, shoot.

It's happening again.

Some asshole in a mask.

We have to stop him.

You're not ready, lovebug.

I had been preparing for this for years.

Sacrificed everything. You are a terrible
mother.

Come on, honey.

We have some good times.

Like that Christmas I took you to meet Santa
at the mall.

Your turn, Sarah.

Move. Bye, Santa.

Sorry if I don't sit in your lap.

You creep me out.

Mom? Santa doesn't see a step in the dark.

Be sure to thank him.

That's us.

What the f-

I am sorry if that's how you found out Santa
doesn't exist.

Mother, I need your help.

To heal our emotional wounds and put the
past behind us?

Oh, God, no.

No, to kill ghost faith.

Do you have any guns?

I am Cindy fucking Campbell.

I've got millions of guns.

But none of them are registered due to my
mental health issues.

So if you could just keep it all below.

Oh, okay. Oh, yeah, I'm gonna be fine.

I didn't hurt myself on any of these fights.

Okay, so I spoke to Sarah over there.

Oh, was she coming?

You know I did.

So it's possible.

No, I meant to Woodsville.

Dumbass. Hey, Jimbo, go deep.

Sweet. Speaking of going deep.

I don't know if it's a good time.

When everyone knows what happens a
teenager's to try to make love when there's

a killer in the loose.

Brad's right about one thing, guys.

Ghost faith is back.

We need to arm up.

Pepper spray, check.

Taser, check. Butt plug, double check.

God damn! You just carry that thing around?

It's easy to hide.

In your butt?

Oh, God.

I'm impressed.

What's up, y'all?

I'm bad.

What is that?

Hey, what's up, mom?

I'm tired of you little Gen Z alpha niggas.

Using terms like, onking, auntie.

Gaslighting, blazing and glamper.

Trying to make my generation sound old.

I ain't your damn aunt, nigga.

Shorty, you're our mother's brother.

So, yeah, technically you are our uncle.

Oh, yeah? Yeah!

Crazy that they let you teach here.

Teach? No, nigga.

I attend. You look at a proud 25th year
senior.

When are you finally gonna graduate?

By the time we do a sequel and I'm about to
follow you, little young niggas,

to college to get my check.

Wait, guys, Tuesday's awake.

All right, Tuesday, who the fuck is Tuesday?

We gotta go to the hospital.

You gonna take the bus home?

Nah, the PJ.

Private jet? Yeah, jealous.

Man, you smoke weed all day.

Just play video games, live stream.

You literally got money doing nothing.

Exactly. I leave the hard work for the old
head.

Ah, yes, son!

Good, I am shorty.

Check my crypto.

Oh, shit, I'm up $3 million.

$3 million!

Damn, now I'm down by me.

This shit, what crazy, son.

Damn, you and me.

Yes? I'm

gonna lay you down.

It's been a while, my.

I'm gonna lay you down.

Ray! Sister Brinda, it's okay.

You heard the call of sin, yes you did.

But the Lord has called on us to show men
such like you the way.

Come on, son.

Come with us.

Come on us.

God, see you're coming.

So don't cheat that girl.

We need you to come.

Like you never came before.

Come for the Father, come for the Son.

I'm gonna hold your hand and we're gonna
come together.

Hey, man.

There you go.

In the name of God, let it go, Ray.

Let it go!

There you go.

My bad.

Last time.

Let's welcome a new member to a
congregation.

They'll be my few.

I'm not gay no more.

Yes, sir. I'm not gay no more.

I'm not gay no more.

I'm gay no more.

I'm gay no more.

I'll go on the day of the year.

Even if he sets his head with a big old
chest as his and perky areolas.

Oh, yeah, he's still got a secret.

I'll no longer carry a purse, put on a
makeup, walk around in high heels,

red bottles, walk with the kids with a
buckle on the side.

This is my shoes.

I'll no longer go on branders and sweat
right at black men.

White men. Asian men.

You wanna grab it?

I'll no longer take prints to the
Philippines.

Looking for lady boys.

To Phuket. Back to Phuket.

Then to Vietnam, because he's trying to get
them any cheaper.

I thought that was for an analysis, right?

Oh, this nigga got a lot of miles.

I'll no longer stand butt naked in the
mirror with my penis tucked between my

legs. Dancing like a dude from Salad to the
Lamb.

It puts the lotion in the basket, precious.

I'm a changed man.

I've been delivered.

I will. I said I will.

I will. No.

Woman. Woman. Woman.

Woman. Woman. Woman.

No, no,

no. No, no.

I believe believe.

Woo. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Whoa, nigga. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

I'll give the money.

Fuck, I'm delivered.

Fuck, I'm delivered.

I'm a changed man.

I'll never come to China.

So we have to go up, up, up.

Jesus. Oh my God.

Oh, thanks. Look, I'm tormented.

Oh my God, it's a morning.

Shh zaten. Oh.

I'm trying to give it up for an hour.

How are you feeling, babe?

I'm feeling you for the pain.

Is that more pain?

There's some pictures.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, this is that good, good.

This is that pretty spear.

It makes me want to get half naked.

Dance around in a juggle tonight.

So, who's that Dr.

Dahlren lookalike?

This is my boyfriend, Jack.

Really nice to meet you.

Looks like Ted Bundy to me.

But that ain't none of my business.

This will stab the bitch here and he's a
rest.

So, y'all get the fuck out.

Yes, ma'am.

I'm not you, Sarah.

Why? What did I do?

I'm so scared.

Oh, Tews, you should be.

You've been stabbed nine times.

And the killer knows where you live.

I would invite you to come stay at my place,
but I don't really want that

kind of duty in my house.

For all we know, you're standing right
outside that door.

It's comforting, Sarah.

I thought I was gonna die.

I know, me too.

I planned a funeral.

What the hell?

And I wrote your obituary.

More like Trattie T wrote it.

But you're still here.

And I will never let anyone hurt you.

Oh, dumb.

Come on, come on.

Get off me.

Come on. This white girl came down, Master.

I'm a D.I.

High. Oh, my God, I'm going to get fired,
technical.

No, no, get, get.

Clear. No, again.

Come on, white bitch, I need this job.

Clear. It's not working.

Oh, my lord.

Fire! Fire!

Oh, boy. Looks like there ain't nothing left
with Fort's

friends and Fort's minds.

Dear lord. There's Wretched.

Check out the wire.

The wire was the shit, baby.

That's my show, Frog, the Nat Idris album.

Make this Gucci what I pop, pop, pop.

Dear lord.

Please accept this white bitch.

Oh. The door works in mysterious ways.

I'm going on break.

Oh, choose. I will never let anyone hurt
you.

Again. Oh,

my bad. Again.

Hello? Hello, Sera.

Who is this?

Someone who knows your little secret.

No, no, no, I swear that wasn't a Nazi
salute.

Okay, I won prom queen and I was throwing my
heart to the crowd.

No, I'm talking about your damn secret.

Oh, you're the fuck who hurt my sister.

Well, I have to get you to come back here.

Listen, if you would have fucked with me,
asshole, then come and get me.

With pleasure. Ah!

Ah! Help!

Somebody help! Please, somebody help!

Bitch! This is the break room.

We on break.

Please. Take that!

Please, save me!

I've been saving people all day.

So you handle yours.

I'll be right over here, eating my falafel
and the pork rind.

I look like my mama.

I now break over.

You're welcome.

It really looks like you got hit with
something hard.

Like metal. He told you, I fell.

Now where exactly are we going?

To talk to an expert.

I'm going! I'm so sorry to bother you.

We just want to ask you a few questions.

Give me one day's why to talk to you.

And why? How why?

I'm talking canvas Owen's wife.

Oh! Take it!

You said expert, I assumed you were not
willing to deal with the grass-ticing.

I'm Sarah Campbell.

I was attacked last night.

I think you should leave.

I don't want to get stabbed.

And I don't want to come in, okay?

Please come on, just two minutes.

That's all I'm asking.

No, no. I'll give you eight minutes.

And another thing.

Oh, I can test you to go.

Oh my gosh!

You guys are good.

When did the work week become the woke week?

We've got Black Friday.

What's next? Malato Monday?

I mean, Yellow Thursday?

Come on.

Let me get this out of your way.

Oh! Go test this out.

Yep, you're good.

You're Cindy's daughter, right?

Yeah. I don't know him.

Oh, this is Jack.

My love interest.

No, no, no, no.

Rule number one of surviving a horror movie
is never trust love interests.

Look there.

He's got that weird, lazy eye poking one
way, and he's drooling like

a psychopath. He's got that stump leg, makes
the wall walk weird

and creepy. I don't have a stump.

Well, I guess he does.

Oh, what's that mean?

Just so I can see you.

I'm tired. Listen, Doofy, we could really
use your help.

Yeah. I can't go back to that life.

Plus, we're in the middle of a global
pandemic.

Okay, I hate to break it to you, but COVID
has been over for like years.

Really? Yeah.

Damn it! What am I going to do with all
this, can we?

Yeah, I don't want Joe to see it tonight.

Hey, Joe, come back.

This is a little bit of a relief.

I'm sorry.

Thank you, Doofy.

You're welcome.

Okay, just because he's showered doesn't
mean that...

Yeah, I didn't shower.

I just take water from my mouth.

You want some?

No, that's okay.

Come on, Doofy.

Yeah, do it.

Sarah, did your piano ask mom coming, or can
we start talking about this plot?

Uh... Hi.

You came. Not in like 15 years, honey.

But I did buy this new rose of fingers
crossed.

Oh. Oh, my old friend.

You taught me how to dance?

How to make a high-end work pie?

Nigger, I'm writing back here.

Sweet! What's up, Sandy?

How are you doing?

My nigger.

Shit, son!

I can't believe you thought I was dead.

Well, between cancer from the weed smoke,
your love of the McRib and racist cops?

I didn't think you had a chance.

Yeah, that's what you're becoming.

Hi, Sandy. Stop smiling at me!

Shit, well, stop!

Well, stop! Well, stop!

Hey, he's intellectually disabled.

That's just how he looks, you drunk honky.

Hey, hey, hey.

Who called that white bitch a honky?

Who has some respect?

I keep seeing people smiling everywhere.

I'm not very likable, so it must be some
kind of curse.

Hey, everybody! Look what I got.

Long-branded jealousy shop made with great
alcohol and GHB, so ain't nobody sipping

that name consent to like last time.

I apologize. Say it once.

I love Ruby and myself.

No, you should say me.

Hi, Brenda. Please do not call me by my
government name.

Call me ma.

Sandy! You dropped the tray.

Oh my God, Sandy!

I haven't seen you in forever!

I got it looking at you, you look the same!

My name's the crow's feet, and your hair is
so dry.

Oh, and your titty straps.

So far. Under the net, you look the exact
same!

What are you, Monetu?

Oh, you know, neglecting my children so I
can pay out of kill, ghost, fish, or

the other term.

What about you?

Well, I've been mostly just getting half
-school kids drunk and a desperate attempt

to stay young and keep my kids at home.

I always knew you'd be a great mom.

Oh, Sandy. Should we hug?

Oh, I really want to, but I'm a Republican
now, so I'm supposed to be racist.

Oh, girl, I think all right.

You're all racist anyway.

Come here. Okay.

You want a shot?

Okay, here. You know, Ma, this place could
be so cool if you had like a

beer pong table over there, maybe like a
snack wall.

What you know about cool?

When I was your age, I was popping bottles
with puffy, puffy daddy, pee-ditty, ditty,

all the shots.

That ain't as well.

Your mama was the freak in the freak-alls.

Ah, shit, son.

You want to see something cool?

I'm gonna show you something cool.

Oh, man. God, that's cool.

What are you doing?

What? No, not like that.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

I don't know why you're acting so scared.

The gun ain't even loaded.

Oh, shit, son.

Oh, shit, son.

Uh-oh. I did it again.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

That last one in the chamber.

I'll be more precise.

Yeah, you got it.

Yeah, that's right.

That was fun.

Oh, what? What are you doing after this?

I'm not going to be cobbled with you.

I love cobbled.

You know what?

I used to put cocaine in my hoohah in the
family all the time.

Yeah. All

right. Let's get back to the plot.

I'm looking at you, Ted Bundy-eye.

Looking like a school shooter.

I think you the killer.

Oh, me? Okay.

What about Deputy Dupuy over there?

I don't have a motive.

You know, what's my motive?

You were the killer in the first movie.

Shouldn't you be locked up?

No, I got Hardin, mostly because of the big
story of the capital, you know.

Oh. I got proof.

It's me. Oh.

It's Rain. That's a cool hit.

What about Jess?

What about me?

If anybody here has issues that could lead
to murder, we've seen real.

Okay. I'm not saying that the big shaming is
not cool, okay?

Then he's just a dude.

Yeah. The finest duffer body strength in the
dick part.

Hey, you don't know what I got down here,
okay?

I do. Hey, hey.

Listen, what we know so far is everyone
who's been attacked is related to the

original characters. He wants to kill the
kid.

Ha! He's making a reboot of Walt.

A what now?

Yep. It's like a reboot and a sequel.

Mix of legacy characters with new characters
and an attempt to feed into

bullshit nostalgia and bring more fans to
the theaters.

Just like last shows, I know what you did
last summer.

That's a movie?

What did I do last summer?

I think you're talking about the summer
intern pretty.

Rain, when did you get here?

A lot better now.

I was just hanging out by the minimum.

Oh. My? Okay.

So that means that our killer is writing his
own version of horror movie.

Okay, so according to the rebooty called
Wools, who's the killer?

I think it's pretty obvious.

Who? You bitch.

Me? Guys, I am not the killer.

Ghostface attacked Toos to lure me back
here.

I think he attacked Toos to get you back
here.

So he can get me back here.

He wants to kill the OGs.

That was a flex.

Yeah, that sounds great.

Fuck this! And fuck you, mother!

To your mother?

Hey, don't be so disrespectful!

And call me mom!

Or mommy! Or whatever is more comfortable!

Talk to me.

Hello, Sheriff. Agent Underwood?

I'll give you one hint.

What's your favorite scary movie?

Well, I'm gonna go with Sultburn.

I mean, the member on that English guy was
terrifying.

And Kenji Yong's junk in the hangover was a
much better depiction of the male anatomy.

And what do you want, fuckface?

Well, I'm just calling to tell you that my
name is Kenji Young.

By the time you get home, I'll have gutted
your baby girl.

Hey, asshole, she's a boy!

Looking for this?

Let me help you.

I got your baby dick.

Winky, winky, winky, winky.

Alright, here we go.

What do you want, fuckface?

Like father, like son.

I understand you're home alone.

Well, dad's out, but the pool guy, the
gardener, and the plumber are all

here, asshole. Look out your window.

No, but they're the backbone of the American
workforce.

And I'm too white to do those jobs.

Let's cut to the chase.

I'll ask you one question.

If you answer correctly, you live.

Who was the killer in horror movie?

Oh, I see.

See, it was Bobby and then K-Ray, the guy
who was totally into dudes, even

though he claimed he wasn't.

Classic 2000s homophobia.

But I got you, bitch.

Wrong. You forgot Special Officer Doofy.

Now you die.

Oh, fuck God!

You should probably answer that.

I can literally see you trying to steal my
package.

Oh, shit. That was easy.

Uh, someone wears snakes.

Let's go, puff.

Wait a sec.

Careful. You'll lose my credit killer.

You are about to identify as dead.

Ew. Still like a girl.

Hello, girls. I'm Bill Faische.

I'm from the most-faced, talent
-collectioned bundles.

This is Kiki West for Only Fans of Rapid
News.

Rapid News. You mean, FAPID News.

You don't even have a camera, man.

My equipment!

Excuse me.

Oh, my. You're...

Yes, yes. Three-time Emmy nominee for
Outstanding Achievement in Sensational

Reporting. I was gonna say the lady from
Friends, but shorter than the class Botox.

That was your goodness, then?

You seriously don't know who I am?

Baby girl, I am Bill...

Gail Smollers.

Gail Storm. Gail H- Get the hell out of my
way!

Doofus? Hey, Gail.

You haven't aged a day.

You've been fucking really in there.

That's his name.

Yeah, your fingers spelt like genitals.

What are you doing in that ridiculous
uniform?

I'm back on the case.

Yeah, I'm gonna bust your face.

Well, um, tell me.

Special needs officer Doofy.

Um... Are there any suspects in this?

Tragic yet completely predictable in this?

I'm not allowed to say.

No, no, no.

Yes, you can.

Yeah, um... I don't know.

I don't know what that is.

Little. Hey, remember when you used to get
low jobs?

I presented you with information.

I don't give low jobs anymore, okay?

Not since me, too.

Okay, sorry. I give hand jobs now, but the
story better be good.

Okay, I'll do a hand job.

Let's do it.

Let's do it.

Good job.

I'm gonna get you.

I'll go right there.

You gotta get you.

You got my outfit, you little critter.

Maybe we should be legal.

Fuck you, shit.

Hello, Shorty. You do know that smoking is
bad for you.

Actually, we didn't ban for you.

You got vitamin T, C and H, C, B and D.

What's the matter, Shorty?

You look a little antsy.

Maybe because there's a masked serial killer
sipping tea in my den.

Sure. You're my nigga.

I mean, friend, please.

Alright. Do you

want to quit smoking?

Well, to be honest, I tried to quit, but my
mother said I

ain't raising no quitters.

So I quit quitting.

We could try a noses.

Bro, I don't care how many poppywatches you
try waving in front of my face.

It ain't gonna work, sir.

You can't magnetize me.

Sleep back,

Shorty. What's up?

Tell me about your mother.

Damn, nigga. Let's start with something
light, like, do you lick ass?

Yes or no?

The answer's yes.

So what happened to her, Shorty?

She's coming home.

Her car was parked through the side of the
road.

Someone was at it.

Is something bad was happening?

Why did you call anyone?

I couldn't. I had warrants.

You're 11. I started young, nigga.

Oh, what do you see?

I see a man exmosion of water.

It was like a civil rights hoax.

Please tell him it was a murder suicide.

She killed that man when they opened the car
door and his little buddy just slid

out. Like the green

-digger in shape of water.

I just didn't want it to be real.

What don't you want to be real?

And my mother was a squirter.

Okay. You're a squirter.

All the floors in her paper was warmed.

I can't move.

You're paralyzed. Now sink into the

chair. No, wait.

Sink. It's

us! I've

been a caveman!

No, you're a caveman.

I've been a caveman.

I've been a caveman.

I've been a caveman.

I've been a caveman.

I can't feel my old pain.

No problem, child, let's get him.

Now I'm about to get laid.

Now I'm dying.

Time for dinin' Cuz I've got the much
-easin' No

need of reason to play these demons.

Now we are in our peace We don't wanna let

it up up No we're smoking We are meant to be
smoking But

we're gonna be smoking Oh, up up up No we're

gonna be smoking We're gonna be smoking But
we're gonna be smoking I

don't know what I don't know what There's no
way Oh, that

dream was wild That must have been Elon
Musk!

Bye! Oh, Chuchas Sheba?

Tuesday? Tuesday?

Bobby? Bobby? What

the? She's gonna die.

Our daughter, Sarah?

You're probably right.

She's tough, but let's see her get stabbed
in the cut.

I'm gonna die.

Bobby, you're already dead.

This hallucination is a manifestation of my
own guilt for being an awful mom.

Or it could be this room's I just popped.

You're gonna die!

Bitch! You ain't killing me!

You're gonna die.

Stop smiling! You can't.

But docks. Hey!

This is the mental ward.

Everyone smiles in here.

What? Oh, um, could you point me in the
direction that I

see you? Is it that way or that way?

Uh, visiting hours are over.

Oh, yes, of course.

The network wants me to clarify that Black
Friday has nothing to do with race.

Well, just tell that to my Black friend,
Benita, who's probably clocking someone

over the Hethetarget house we speak.

Right, Benita?

Chamaoo! Man, you ain't mine, cuz.

Look who got that Jerry curl.

What is that, son?

Is that your last one?

See, people think it's your last one.

But it's actually shot before your head
looked like Bondu.

It's dirty. Micah's got a monkey.

I got a llama.

Fuck, Micah. You can't dance, boy.

I'll be practicing.

Yeah! Ow!

Like a moonwalk.

Hey, bitch, this is gonna be the dog right
here.

Dude, get to it!

Woo! I'm

a boot like that, shit.

Hello? Fuck this.

I'm gonna miss you all.

Oh, hell no!

These legs, those legs, these legs, those
legs!

Oh, God! Stay out of here!

Jack, did Sarah tell you to come?

Yeah, that's why I'm here.

Not to murder you or anything like that.

Then why are you wearing gloves?

Would you believe I am thinking about
dressing up as O.J.

Simpson for Halloween?

But those spit.

No! Yaku, bro, you almost hit a fade!

I mean, no!

I'm gonna get you like a pig!

That was stupid lies.

That is so true!

Are you kidding me?

Are we in a bacon?

I'm gonna get better riders, bro.

I love you so much!

I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry!

Wait until I stick my knife down them!

I'm crying over here!

I'm gonna kill you!

You're gonna kill me!

You're gonna kill me!

I'm gonna kill you!

I love you first!

Oh, oh shit!

You're really gonna kill me!

No! No one was there after me.

I'm gonna turn you into a bacon, I'll eat
you!

No! No!

No! No!

No! Excuse me, I'm already...

Step aside, please, please, please, please!

Two feet! Can I do it?

Who? Smiling you son of a bitch!

What the? My psycho mother said, Always keep
us trapped!

Go! Go! I'm gonna go keep your mom in here.

I'll keep your mom in here.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

I have to pay the agony!

Sarah, if I don't make it!

Seriously, too, stop trying to win an Oscar.

It's a horror movie, it'll never happen.

Asked me more.

No! No! No!

No! No! No!

What the fuck?

I'm gonna get up myself.

Me and you now, ghostie.

Hmm. You gotta see the net.

See the net.

Done. Now,

my finger.

Oh, God! What the fuck was that?

My ass. Fuck your ass.

Oh, God! Oh, God!

That's my ass.

All right. Any life to break?

I go poopy.

Oh, hell no!

I ain't cleaning up that shit!

I'm on break.

Come on. I'm gonna kill it, not the queen.

Watch yourself!

Yo, what's up, chap?

It's your boy Shorty.

That's right, it's another Halloween of dog.

And it's another day of me getting paid mad
money for doing absolutely nothing.

Why, you stupid motherfucker, watch out!

Ain't it gonna be dope?

I want to give a smooth shout out to my
sponsor.

Angry Orchard, Hard Siren.

They got mad apples, huh?

No! I'm a queen, it's Halloween!

I'm a marketing genius!

I won't be a Halloween of dog without a dope
guest.

He's a legend in the streaming game.

Give it up for Kyle Smith!

Let's get serious.

What brings you to the check?

Your brother's on me to poopy.

I've been calling you, you ghosted me.

Bro, I thought that was one of my crazy ass
baby mamas.

That's my bad.

Speaking of ghosting,

somebody was talking to you.

Hello? What's your favorite scary movie?

No! No! No!

No! No! No!

We're back in the end of this time!

What's up, my guy?

Got some angry Orchard, hard-siren ass.

You're right. They got mad apples.

No! No!

I'm gonna do my favorite thing.

Spin the wheel!

Spin the wheel again!

We gonna go back there with these noodles
and we gonna smack the fuck out you.

Man, you gotta guess who did.

That doesn't even make sense.

This is a dumb game.

No! Goddamn it!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! No!

No! Hey!

Hey! Hey! No, just kill Casinet.

On the chair.

We make it history, son!

Money, money, money!

Casinet! Oh,

my God.

That's what you guys got here.

Now you're gonna get it.

So that's our suspect.

It goes by the name, Shorthand.

Was the handyman that a house reputed to be
haunted in 2001.

Is there anything you're not telling me?

That your wife hates you.

You believe the earth is flat and you voted
for Trump three times.

Now what? What's the vote for the woman?

Huh? I believe Shorthand is the notorious
ghost face.

What'd that mouth do?

Fuck this video!

You did look pretty sketchy.

I got the wrong guy.

And you know that because you're sick?

No. It's the only arrest warrant.

Oh, no. That guy's black.

It's kind of not that black.

Like gravy brown.

Hidden with your strong hand.

Rest him anyway.

Oh, it did something right.

Turn up your body cams.

This hail storm welcomed back.

Doc, I'm begging you.

You gotta help me.

Look, younger. These little bitches are
killing me out there.

There were nothing but a sausage casing and
a ring light.

Trust me with this withered decrepit, aged,
ravaged body,

and I will make you whole.

One little ways, white lady special coming
right up.

Thanks. I'm gonna play a quick video on the
ins and outs of the procedure and

then we'll get started.

You wish you weren't so old and saggy.

You wish you were younger.

Sexier. Fuckable again.

One single injection unlocks your DNA,
creating a new

barrier. This is the stuff.

Doc, this isn't that Buenos Pal trove crap
that makes you smell like a vag, is

it? I like

it. Oh!

Oh! Oh,

that's a lot of stuff.

Ooh, a mask on a mask.

Safety first, right, Con?

Oh! Oh! Oh no!

Oh, I got a second thought.

I'm gonna love and accept myself as I am.

Ah! Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Oh! Ah!

Ah! Ah!

Oops, wrong movie.

You were thinking it, you said.

What chips to my ass?

Hey, Thera.

Tuesday, I tried to visit you.

I am sorry for everything, especially your
name.

It was Taco Tuesday, I was super drunk, but
I promise you, I will kill this

motherfucker. It's fine, really, we're cool.

I'm no, I'm no.

I'm no. I'm going to take you to the car.

Oh, I got stabbed in my death-doma!

I'm taking two's away from all of this.

I'll be with you.

I tried to run two, but it follows.

Now you're probably expecting a flashback to
that movie, but it's too obscure.

Yeah, and you'll find me for you.

Do you have specs with someone giving an
STD?

And then they house him in the form of a
naked grandma.

It's like an STD by Epic.

Ah, the killer is taunting me.

Why didn't he just kill us?

Excuse me, yes, ma'am.

What are you waiting for?

Oh, no, no, no, sweetie, sweetie, it's like
this.

What are you waiting for, huh?

What are you waiting for?

What are you waiting for?

What are you waiting for?

Dude, I wish you weren't my mother.

What are you waiting for?

What are you waiting for?

Candyman. Candyman.

Candyman. You sure about this?

Yeah, keep saying it.

Candyman? Candyman!

Ah! So

what's up? You got that Candyman?

I got weed gummies, Canes,

Shroomtimes! And what took you so long to
show up?

Come on, Clarence.

I called you five times, nigga.

Show up in three.

You ain't even called me on the phone.

Luckily I was walking by and her draw
through the hole in this wall.

Fix that shit.

You shut your ass up.

You need to go to a proctologist and get
your skin looked at.

Having acne over the age of 40 is wild work.

I look better than this, nigga.

Maybe you'll miss that.

Hey, ain't no time for people.

We about to be high as fuck.

We going party, son!

Ah! Help me out, please, y

'all. Watch out for those babies.

That's right. Right there.

Oh, hey. I love this.

Look at that.

Look at this.

You see your sister?

Ray, you see the gay?

I can't find her since she looked at that
procter.

No. Ray, let me get it.

You are Woody from Toy Story.

Nah, where did that gay?

Jake Gyllenhaal from broke back mountain.

I wish I knew how to quit you when I can.

You're not a movie.

Hey, buddy. Linda, have you seen my big old
bag of candy?

It had chocolates, gummies, lollipops.

It's gonna miss it.

No, no, no.

It's not missing.

I passed it out to the sugar traders.

Linda, that's my stash.

I'm so sorry.

Woohoo! I can't feel my face.

I want that nose ocean.

Six seven. Six seven.

Six seven.

Why are you looking at me?

I'll just stop here.

I'm fearful.

Yeah. Hey.

Do you know how many baby seals die from
microplastics?

Yeah, it's got space.

Oh my god, he's down to her.

Not her. My pronouns are they, them.

He's down to them.

I'm over 40.

How am I supposed to keep up with all of
this?

She's not wrong.

It's Karen's like you that keep the
patriarchy going with their knees on our

necks. Now you're playing the race card.

They have enough of her shit.

That shit, bitch.

And to be clear, my real name is Karen.

Oh shit, this is too good.

Nor the insults.

They don't realize we're gonna help them.

Toxic masculinity and mansplaining doesn't
help anybody.

Off my masculine and toxic.

I love women in sports.

Just not together.

Come here, bitch.

What the? Me next.

Hey, friend. You're the only one who's gonna
be next.

Oh, you're crazy.

So close.

I'm going mad as fear.

Uncle Shorty, you're still a man here.

Can I ask you something?

Yeah, sure.

It's about, you know, how to go down on a
girl.

You talking about eating pussy?

It's so cringe, but yeah.

So maybe you stop talking like a 14-year
-old white girl.

You can learn something.

All right, so listen up.

First thing you gotta do, you gotta spread
your wings.

You gotta open it up.

And you wanna use your fingers.

Sometimes you can use two.

Two fingers, like that there.

Now once you get it all in there now, you
gotta use your tongue.

You can't be afraid of it.

No, no, no.

You ain't leaning into it.

No, no, no.

You doing it too fast.

Listen, you gotta be gentle.

You got top sweat.

Hey, you little guy.

How you doing?

Boom. It's like rolling the blunt.

All you gotta do, nephew.

It's it that shit.

Got it. You ain't got what I'm learning to
guess.

That's your mama.

Oh, you feel so good.

Oh, oh, oh, yeah.

Well, I wanna try something.

I thought you said you'd never let me pet
you.

What? No. Relax.

I just wanna taste you.

Oh, okay. Okay.

Dinner time. Oh, yeah.

Come here, baby.

Oh, careful. I might get you gangster.

Oh, oh, it is gangster.

Okay. I'll slap you so hard you want some
more.

Yeah. Ah, ah, ah.

Oh, you feel so much better than Carol and
them.

Choo, choo. Get back in there.

Yeah, lick it.

Yeah, lick it hard.

Boom, finish her.

Oh, my God.

Just like rolling the blunt.

Now all you gotta do is hit it.

Ow! What

the fuck? Hey there.

We heard tell of a Halloween party.

We did now, did you?

We're here to drink, play bad music, do some
half gay shit.

Why just half gay?

Can I help you?

If you just invite us in.

Why do you need an invitation?

Why don't folks show up to parties and
invite all the time with their little nasty

ass casseroles? Lazy shit.

Y'all better stop using some lousy.

And why she got some dirty ass feet?

Look like you was walking around pouring sex
all day.

Got them trailer-blocked toes.

I think you're in the wrong place.

Y'all clean?

No. We believe in music and equality.

How about we show y'all?

It's okay now.

Engentrified de Jefferses.

Weezy's rollin' around in her grave right
now.

Can't do this to the black national anthem.

Boo! What the fuck?

Boo your ass!

That's why I don't do that bullshit out of
here.

Why don't y'all just go to one of those frat
parties where they drink until

they black out and wake up with their
booties hurtin'.

Not knowing what someone in the cowboy hat
did to them.

Yeah, what?

Okay, well, we will leave you guys alone,
but we're gonna walk real slow.

Just in case y'all change your minds.

Change your minds yet?

No. Hell no.

How about now?

Follow me.

Yes? Hell no.

Please walk it.

Now get up there.

There, come on.

Right folks, it's gettin' weird.

Guys, I think I saw an open window over
here.

That way those clothes.

Not for long.

Wicked. Fuck, I'm fuckin' in the ass.

Hey, Tuesday! You came back!

Yeah, I left my inhaler.

Honestly, Tuesday, I thought inhaler's the
worst part of my significant history.

That's true. Should've been in vain.

But we're here now, so let's make the most
of it.

Now where's that white clothes at?

Sarah? Hello. Get your sister and get out of
there right now.

Okay, hon? I am a grown ass woman.

Mother, I don't have to do anything you're
telling me to do.

That's the house where your son and father
killed those people.

Someone wanted to get into there.

Which means... Someone wants to get me
there.

Oh my god, this isn't about you!

Why is it that I like to get to you with the
fucking far away?

Wait, hold on.

Are you tracking my phone?

Shhh, you're breaking up.

But yeah, shhh.

Happy birthday! Oh my god!

What the fuck?!

What the fuck?!

Help! I'm sorry.

I thought I was supposed to smoke it!

Oh, shit. Ow!

Seriously? With the 12 years of slave shit?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I didn't see that movie, okay?

I just found this thing in the shed.

Jeez. Come

on, bro. That's even worse.

I didn't mean it that way.

Some of my best victims are black.

And another brother falls victim to gun
violence.

Turns out race is still an issue.

That's not fair.

You know black guys usually die first in
horror movies.

Damn! Just give an old-new meaning to dead
by dead life.

Yeah. Oh. Keeps on.

Oh. Goofy ass.

Hello, shorty. Oh, gooo!

Get a minute!

Got those bloody asses!

You're about to be high, you scum.

Come on!

Oh, damn it!

What do you mean, you scum?!

Oh, why are you running backwards, scum?

Oh, no, it's not me.

Something's wrong. Man, you're a modus of
the death.

You fucking asshole.

Game on, bitchy.

No. It's not me.

It's not me.

Oh, wrong name.

Black lives matter.

Not you, shorty.

Oh, my... Whoa, what's going on?

Oh, thank God you're here.

Where were you?

Goofy's face was just here.

I was just outside getting some fresh air.

Stop! What are you?

Who's the killer?

Well... Why do you have blood in your hands?

I found Brad outside.

She's the killer!

I am not the killer.

I'm not even sex positive.

I'm a virgin.

No way. You've been like every dude in
Woodsville.

Fuck you. Whoa!

The butt doesn't count.

Shit, she's not assed to me.

Welcome to Act 3, bitches.

What? What is that even mean?

It's when the shit goes down.

Oh, I still don't really know what she
means, but I think we survived!

I'm gonna die!

I'm gonna die!

Linda! Linda! I'm gonna get you in this shoe
and bag.

It's a piece of wire.

I've landed on video games, not to liquor or
lack of forensic supervision.

You're gonna need this.

Do you have one bigger and black?

Oh, right.

Who are you, John Wick?

I wouldn't say a ballerina, but nobody saw
that shit.

Let's do this.

Okay. Tell

me! I'm never gonna make it, please!

What do you think?

I think Drake lost the candy.

I still like Drake, but what would that love
do?

That's such a bitch-ass move.

About this situation.

Oh, that's definitely a trap.

She don't know where we are today, Linda.

Linda! Burn!

I'm not gonna make it!

Hi, darling. Oh, God, I'm so sick!

Oh, God, bitch!

I'm not dead yet!

Oh, my bad.

Now you go back in there.

Finish it. For me, Cindy.

I would do anything for you, Brenda.

Oh, yes! She bought it!

That'll catch up to it.

It don't fail.

That was just crazy.

She thought I was taking my black ass back
in there.

I'm gonna run!

Attention all current.

You have five seconds to show yourselves.

Oh, God.

Ah! Sweetie! Bitch!

You shot my favorite ball!

Go back home, dear friend!

Sorry! Hello,

Cindy. Hello. Looks like you forgot the
first rule

of surviving a horrible thing.

Never answer that phone.

I thought the first rule was never trust the
love interest.

Really? All I'm changing rule is how about
that?

New rule. Go fuck yourself.

Wait, wait! Ah!

Oh, why do you hate closet so much?

I told you to come out.

Yo, I didn't want to get shot.

Ironic, isn't it?

You messed with me, bitch!

Go go out into his face!

Didn't tell you.

If you're done with, I might have killed
your dog.

The dog is just a metaphor.

It was about losing his wife.

You sure it's not an hour's worth?

Let us begin.

No! Oh,

that's tongue-trollers.

Good! Ah!

Ah! Eat

a dick.

Shoot him, Sarah.

End this. Don't tell me what to do!

This isn't the best time to resolve our
mommy-daughter issues, but Sarah,

I am so sorry.

I have been a terrible mother.

I don't even know your sister Wednesday,
Tuesday.

I have to clarify that for legal reasons.

But I prepared you for this.

So go on, baby.

You kill him.

Sarah! Jack! Sarah!

Jack! Jack! Jack!

Sarah! Jack! Thank God you're okay, because
I really wanted to be the one to...

Take a big.

What I told you was about me.

No, Sarah.

You were just a bit.

It's about her.

Fuck! Oh, sorry honey.

I hate being right.

You should have listened to Doofy.

The love interest.

It just seemed too obvious, you know?

Which makes you think it is not obvious,
same page on your channel.

Yeah, well that's the twist.

Now get in the kitchen.

Go. Hey, doofy!

Okay, listen up.

See, there hasn't been a great horror movie
since the first one.

We're gonna save the franchise.

Go get our special guest star.

Hollywood, out of ideas.

Why else would there be a scary movie six?

But it wouldn't work with just the new
characters, would it?

We need the legacy characters.

And there wouldn't be a Cindy without her
sad scene, Black Side Kick

Brenda. You ain't have to say black with no
heartbeat like that.

Brenda, didn't she get shot?

There are?

Oh, wait, I did!

Oh look, that's an Haley!

Oh, what do you do?

Stop dancing! Stop dancing!

Everybody stop dancing!

Oh, look out!

Oh, oh, oh!

No! You caught me, mom.

You care about me?

Oh, I wanna go that far, but I'm in.

Sure. Go get Tuesday!

Okay, ladies. Time to save the body!

Let's go, let's go, let's go!

Oh, no!

What, who are you people?

We're the motherfuckers that are taking over
this franchise.

Oh, yeah? Oh, okay!

Oh my god, that was not part of the plan!

Oh, god!

Neither was this.

Oh! Wait, make out one of those!

Woo! Hot damn!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

That's interesting!

Yeah, and I brought my boy Kevin Hart with
me.

What? Shot?

That's right. On my knees, I'm the same
height as Kevin.

And Kevin said no.

Kevin Hart said no?

That little motherfucker says yes to
everything.

Yeah, he does.

But wait, there's more.

Ha ha ha!

Chata, bitches! Right, shotty!

Yeah, that's right.

Four black killies.

We'll make you history.

It's a new definition of black excellence.

But why would you do this?

Question is, why would you try to make a
sequel?

Without us, huh?

Yeah, when the studio wanted to replace
these brothers, I was dead.

That's that. What about me?

What about you?

You were in one scene in part four.

Yes, but I mean that motherfucker Dr.

Phil Cutter's foot off.

And he crazy, now.

Yeah, he got weird.

But you see what they trying to do?

They trying to pit us all on the density
check.

They trying to stop black on a very black
crime.

That's right. Yo, shot.

Hey, I'm proud of you, bro.

You've had an amazing career as a sports
commentator since retiring from basketball.

And I love the big podcast, and I love that
shit.

Even though I don't understand a word you be
saying, you be on that show until

I... I'll be on that show until I...

Kobe, enough! But my point is, nigga, I love
your

shit. But I never got over Kazim.

I'm gonna kill you.

I'm gonna kill you.

I'm gonna kill you.

Why you think you're making this?

You and Kobe would have had nice links.

That motherfucker treated me.

Shakil! How big is your foot?

22. Then how big is your dick?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey.

Boss. What the fuck are you talking about?

I'm doing it for the culture.

What culture? Culture club?

I think so.

Come on, Ray, we're killing people.

Stay focused. I'm gonna run, run, run.

We back.

Hey, don't do it.

Don't you worry.

We family. Mad respect.

Black is nominated for eight in the E-line,
nigga.

Actually, the show was only nominated for
five.

I was nominated for eight.

You're the best piece.

You're the best piece.

You're the best piece.

Yeah. But you never won.

What? It's...

Don't be Spanish to me, motherfucker.

This is for doing scary movies, playing
golf.

I didn't know it fired the family.

This is for coming an hour of good time.

I'm gonna sell them all in blackish.

But you guys were on the WV.

Nobody saw that shit.

No, no, no.

And you, and you, y'all went and did scary
movie three and four without

us. Niggah, I'm sorry.

They offered me so much money.

I got a new house, a new car.

I got wings that don't itch.

What about you?

Well, I had a chance to work with the
incomparable Charlie Sheen.

That's good. He's a legend.

And his dick game is crazy.

You know, he slept with 47,000 women, and a
thousand of them women were dudes.

Lucky guy.

Wait, so y'all gonna kill us now?

Nah. What would Halloween be without Jamie
Lee Curtis?

Or Scream be without Nef Kim?

That would be Scream 6.

How did you guys pull all of this off?

Sandy, they're not how many wanes is there
off.

They're good billions.

Billions. I'm just so happy that the old
gang is back together.

Okay, in the middle on three, core four.

No, no, no.

That's core. That's why.

What about the young and the red-blit?

Yeah, or the old and then the beautiful.

Or the cute and the cruddy.

Yeah, or the sexy and then the scene.

We were brought in to take over the
franchise.

That's right. He went to like 70 years old.

I should drag that one to a sibling.

Oh, my bad girl.

Guys, guys, they're already dead.

Nah, little fuckers always come back.

Oh, no. Not this time.

Exactly. Come on, man, let's go.

Let's go. We gotta manage.

That's my next generation, my man.

No! Oh,

bitch. Wait,

wait, wait, wait.

What's your bad?

I mean, those are our kids.

Fuck those kids.

This is our franchise.

Besides, we can do all these dramatic
walkaways with the fire back of us.

What the damn was that?

Oh, no. I kind of like it.

You do, right?

We should play a fire movie.

You want to drag stuff like a fire movie?

No, I want you to dress like a fire.

Y'all do it, Jem.