All language subtitles for Todos a la cárcel (Luis Gª Berlanga,1994) XviD1.1-Ac3 by Pierino RiPPer English

Urgent.
Menorca. 12.45 p.m.

Luigi Tornicelli,
M-30 Lodge Master...

...arrested for traffic problem...

...when his yacht ran into
Don Ramon Mendoza's yacht.

Banker Tornicelli,
wanted in twelve countries...

...now guest
of Spanish authorities...

...and held in unknown location.

From: Spanish Embassy, Washington.
To: Ministry of Foreing Affairs.

Summoned urgently
by Secretary of State.

Unusually attentive to me.
Surprised by his favorable disposal.

...to revise economic agreements
and receive our President.

In parallel, they request
extradition of Tornicelli.

Recommend
tighten bonds of friendship...

...by skipping legal procedures.

From: Embassy to Holy See
To: Ministry of Foreign Affairs.

After beatification of temerarious
barefoot, Father Almodovar...

...I was received
by Cardinal Rossi.

Fears that Tornicelli,
under interrogation...

...may implicate innocent person
close to His Holiness.

Took his leave with old saying,
"Fate, or someone in its name...

...should free Mr. Tornicelli
from his sufferings in this world".

From: Ministry of Foreign Affairs.
To: CESID.

Given conflict of interests
over future of Tornicelli...

...matter in your hands...

...in collaboration with
US Intelligence Services.

Spanish Government
must remain on sidelines.

Devise discreet solution...

...which will not affect
our responsibilities.

Any leaking of this document
strictly forbidden.

If possible,
should be eaten by secretary.

From: CESID, "Top Secret".
To: Ministry of Foreign Affairs

Tornicelli problem solved.

We pass Italian
to our CIA friends...

...while "Peace and Liberty"...

...association
of pacifist scroungers...

...organize celebration in prison
under the slogan...

BACK TO J AIL

Yesterday morning,
the postman called.

He had a registered letter
to deliver.

It was an urgent letter
from the slammer,

to tell me of
a surprising event.

I read the invitation
word by word.

"We're going to have
a reunion in the jail.

All the usual crowd
will be there."

And underneath,

I saw the date of the event.

I still don't know

if I'm going to go.

I'd like more information.

Be careful, she's going
to ruin the upholstery.

Don't start picking on her.
Anyway, it's dry vomit.

You call this dry vomit!

There are no roadsigns,
no directions.

Look, I don't care about
your shindy in the jail.

I just want to get
to the beach.

It was your brother
who got me into this.

Who else would listen
to that idiot?

They're coming now.

That's better.

He couldn't piss. I guess
the bombardments caused that.

Now get in the car.

Why do we always
get stuck with her?

You'd rather they'd taken her
to Cancun to catch dysentery?

Turn off the air.
It uses a lot of gas.

Is this the right way?

As you wouldn't take
the freeway...

Artemio, as soon as you get
in the prison...

...give this to Matilde.

- Who's Matilde?
- A business partner.

A whore, more like.

What are you doing
getting involved with...

...subversives?

- You'll get us into trouble.
- You're one to be talking.

You agreed to adopt
a Bosnian child.

- And look what we got!
- Blame the U.N.

An old age pensioner!

Do as I say and tomorrow
they'll sign for the payment.

What's this dope going to do
in jail except catch fleas?

It's the best place
to do business.

He's taking advantage
of his political background.

Who, him?

He was fixing toilets
in a church...

...when the police
raided a meeting there.

Still, he was a victim
of repression.

I'd go too, but I'm seeing
a friend who has a restaurant.

He's got a real
gold mine there.

This old guy's pawing me.

Ludo! Hands off!

Well, so long.

See you later.

Look, the jail.

There it is.
And take this.

My friend's number.
You can call us.

Be careful about
who you mix with in there.

- And don't drink any tap water!
- I won't.

- Grandma...
- Ludo, leave the child alone.

- So long.
- Bye, Grandad.

- Where will we meet?
- In the El Cid Tavern.

Will I remember that?

He's as bad as his father.

You're sure I'll get out again?

Where are you going?

- I've come for dinner.
- This early?

Let me see your I.D.

I'm afraid my wife put it
through the washing machine.

Artemio Bermejo.

Bermejo Sanitation.

So you've come to get fat
at the cost of the taxpayer.

You could have eaten at home.

Pain in the ass.

- Give me your release papers.
- What papers?

Aren't you on day release?

I'm here for
the political prisoners' party.

You have to go over
to that window and register.

Thank you.

- Just a minute!
- What is it?

- Here, your I.D. Card.
- Thank you very much.

No, this window.

The gentleman is here
for the dinner.

Got the strike papers?

Handle it carefully,
it's very battered.

- Have a seat.
- Thank you.

Thank you, and I'm sorry
for bothering you.

Tell the organizers
that the Reds are arriving.

Fuck the papers, the strike...

The mob for dinner are here.
Over. I mean, Out.

This wing was due
to be demolished.

You can breathe the atmosphere,
the damp, the locks...

...the cisterns.

The cisterns!

As you see, we tried to fix it
as best we could.

It didn't turn out too bad.

But really, Quintanilla...

...you should have given us
more warning.

We were caught on the hop too.

Matilde, have all the cells
been checked?

- All except these.
- Well, hurry up.

And the ones with a view
are for the VIPs.

There are no views.

Then give them
a bit of atmosphere.

Think of something.

Warden, should we throw
the visitors out?

Yes, of course.
It's time, isn't it?

One of them keeps asking
for a Matilde.

- He can come another day.
- Matilde's my assistant.

He's here for the meal?

He can wait.
He's too damn early.

Let's see how things are.

Cifuentes, what do you think
you're doing?

Do you think the prisoners
should be serving the meal?

- They don't seem up to it.
- They're the best we have.

And they're very good
at making sweets.

- I thought the nuns did that.
- The nuns?

They're all making micro-chips.

Really, Ternera,
haven't you finished that yet?

We have to serve a meal in here.

Yeah, but we've got
fifth generation immunized bugs.

Then use a stronger solution.

- That'll put the cost up.
- We'll talk about it later.

And point that hose away,
you're soaking me!

- It stinks like hell.
- I'm sorry.

Quintanilla, listen to me.

We have to sort out
the accounts.

I've been paying
for everything myself...

...and my wife's annoyed.

Once the Ministry pays us,
that's it.

Isn't your association
independent?

- Of course.
- And you accept a subsidy?

Sure.

Matilde, has everyone
confirmed now?

Matilde, our chief organizer,
this is the warden.

Has everyone confirmed?

Not yet. We clash
with a soccer match on TV.

Well, keep insisting.

It's awkward to get here.
Why did they choose this prison?

The usual reasons.

Pressure, influence.

Everything except ideals.

Warden...

Warden...

What is is, Rogelio?

Nothing, but talking of ideals,
why don't they support us?

Just be quiet, Rogelio.

Will we have prawns today
or the usual swill?

We'll see. But you can always
suck the heads.

- I don't like the heads.
- That's where the vitamins are.

A recidivist pickpocket,
from the old school.

Attention!

Attention, all inmates!

Listen carefully.

I want everyone
to behave very well.

The first one
to step out of line...

...is going to get it.
Is that clear?

And another thing.
The cutlery has been counted.

So no messing about, right?

Excuse me.

That man's sticking
his tongue out at me.

Don't worry, the psychologist
says he's like a big child.

- A simpleton.
- Exactly.

He may be,
but I prefer to leave.

Go to Reception.
Someone's been waiting for ages.

Paquita, come on!

- Should I go with you?
- No, thank you.

- Birdy!
- Just in case she got lost.

Another thing, Quintanilla.

Tell me...

Do you think the new
Director General will come?

The old one promised me
some money...

...before he was indicted.

No problem.
If everything goes well...

Don't eat the fucking prawns!

A bag for each one.

Stand at the table.

- Anyone here for the party?
- Waken up, that's you.

Hello.

Good morning.

- Matilde Bergareche?
- That's right.

Welcome to jail.

I've a letter
from a friend of yours.

Mariano Cabezas.

- I think you've spoken.
- Mariano?

Are you his lawyer?

He can say what he wants
in court, if he dares.

I'm his brother-in-law.

Antonio Bermejo,
Bermejo Sanitation.

Now I get it.

That's fine.
Welcome to our event.

Thank you, but tell me.

Has the under-secretary for
Sanitary Culture arrived?

Everything's called
culture now.

Let me see.

Yes, Mr. Perales has confirmed
his attendance tomorrow.

That's fine.
I'll come back tomorrow.

No, no! Absolutely not!

You have to stay here.

It's for a good cause.

Here's your accreditation.
Let's see...

I don't know.
I'm not sure about this.

- May I call my brother-in-law?
- Mariano? Where?

I don't know just now.

Are you really
a friend of his?

Well, we worked together
on a few things.

Third World aid and that.

Not those out-of-date
canned goods?

Paquita,
a bag for the gentleman.

Here you are.

A tee-shirt,
the program of events...

...a testimonial tape,
various pins and stickers...

...and cards made by political
prisoners in Turkistan.

Thank you.

- Just a moment.
- What?

Your cap.

Where's this going?

Keep walking and don't ask.

Hang it on the outside gate.

Yes, we understand.
Look after yourself.

Regards to your wife.
Good-bye.

The ombudsman.

He's got 'flu. In summer!

I warned you
about the soccer match.

No, nobody sticks
their neck out now.

The overnight stay
is very important.

How many have we got?

The thirty pensioners
on vacation...

...and this sanitation
gentleman.

- Antonio Bermejo...
- Excuse me a moment.

Just rubbish. Without big names
we're finished.

- What will television say?
- Lf we'd organized a marathon...

- You and your marathons!
- That's where the money is.

- Everyone loves wearing shorts.
- This is a serious event!

- Are you at it again?
- What's with you?

Excuse me! Excuse me!
Just a minute!

I warn you that my association
will report any ill-treatment.

What's going on?

Fucking Birdy was trying
to escape again.

Birdy, I've had enough!

He told us to hang
the sign outside.

This has nothing to do with me.
They're trouble-makers.

- Thump them!
- Get them inside!

Fuck all of you!

- I'm delighted you could come.
- Ma'am...

The banker?

Mu�agorri! It's great
to have your support!

- Luis Quintanilla, coordinator.
- I had to come.

Ideals never fade.
And I was hunting here anyway.

I've some partridges
for the warden.

Hands off.
Take the luggage.

- Will you sign the manifesto?
- Of course.

Well, well.
This is all excellent.

Really excellent.

This is a wonderful idea.
If I may...

All this reminds me...

...of the old heroic days.

The struggle against fascism,
secrecy...

...furtive love affairs...

...my first business deal!

I just wanted to ask you...

I do apologize, Mr?

Bermejo, Bermejo Sanitation.

Another former political
prisoner. Condemned for?

Conspiracy.

- Peaceful, eh?
- Juanita, the gentleman's bag.

And you can leave
your donations here.

- Lf you'd be so kind.
- Right here.

It's not free?
Nobody told me about that.

Just to help pay for the meal.
Comradeship, solidarity...

I'll say.

- Here you are.
- And that's for you.

Well! Excuse me for a moment.

- What did he give?
- Now, don't be nosy.

I can't give very much.

- I've just paid my taxes.
- I understand.

Well, that is solidarity.

- Not like some with fancy airs.
- What? Did he give less?

Give me that!

- The signature's wrong!
- Solidarity, Bermejo!

Sonsoles! What a surprise!
Whatever are you doing here?

- Coming to the party?
- Hello, Cesar.

Is there a party here?

It must be Mathieu's.
He thinks of the oddest places.

No, I'm here
on a one-to-one visit.

It's really awful.
A room with a straw mattress.

Of course, being watched
is a bit of a turn-on.

You said a one-to-one.
Your husband is in jail here?

Is it because
of the Saharan phosphates?

No, my husband's in Vancouver.

This is something else.

Let's say...

...it's an act of charity.

I trust you'll be discreet.

Some people in the Opus
wouldn't understand.

You know I'm very discreet.

- And your wife?
- My wife?

I refuse to mention her!
Excuse me.

- Sir...
- Yes?

The guard will take you now.

Yes, but I must
speak to the warden.

- Would you hold this for me?
- Yes, sir.

Sonsoles, why don't you stay
for the party?

So long. See you soon.

I'll be very discreet.

- Come along.
- Yes, sir.

I told you
I want to see the warden.

Come along, you go ahead.
Come along.

A hot-pot in summer?
What a dreadful idea!

Well, it's up to you.

Now look, they're organizing
a party, right?

The guards are about
to go on strike.

And I've some prisoners,
especially one...

...who need some
very special attention.

We got permission
to film the program.

I hope my client is protected.

I won't have him lynched
by the other prisoners.

For God's sake, man!

The Black Widow!

He's very popular.

Look, killing your wife
is highly thought of here.

All I'm saying is that
we do this another day.

Impossible.
It's been scheduled.

Remember, my client
wants to be paid tax-free.

I know how television is.

And there's the percentage
on publicity too.

Don't push me, Mr. Cerrillo.
I've a long list of criminals.

And they're all my clients.

Not all of them, Mr. Cerrillo.

Listen, talking
of percentages...

...don't I get paid?

That is,
I mean, the institution.

It would be logical.

Warden, if I may.

Well, Mu�agorri!

- How are you?
- And you, how are you?

I'm sorry I can't see you
just now.

- I'm in a meeting.
- Artemio Bermejo.

That's a real pity.

Look, I've brought you
some partridges.

Thank you,
but it wasn't necessary.

But we'll talk,
don't you worry.

- Quintanilla wants you.
- I'm going now. My wife.

An honor, ma'am.

I brought a little gift.
Some partridges for you.

I'm from the program
"Who Knows What?".

- Any news about your wife?
- Exactly.

Don't mention my wife!

She hasn't disappeared,
she isn't in de-tox.

She's on vacation. That is all.
Excuse me.

If you need a lawyer...

I am a lawyer!
And I've nothing more to say.

You know what?
These partridges are off.

Well then, we'll give them
to the prisoners.

Are you taking me
to dinner now...

...or am I to be treated
like a criminal again?

What post did you say
you held?

Me? None. I've a small business
of my own.

I'm here to see
an under-secretary.

- The State owes me money.
- Join the club.

- You're here to get paid, too?
- Not at all.

My interest is purely romantic.
I'm here to help a friend.

- Just one?
- Just one.

This wing was closed after
the famous '77 riot.

This was the visiting room
for death row.

Speaking of death,
I mean...

...of help.

One of your
provincial branches...

...systematically refuses
to grant me a loan.

Maybe you could...

You know our slogan.

"Smile, it costs nothing."

Be patient, the present
government's new policy...

...may lower
the interest rates.

Or put them up.

The famous Julepe
was riddled here.

How much do they owe you?

80 million for
installing toilets...

...in centers for the elderly.

A load of money. And I've been
waiting two years.

A peccadillo.

Have faith.
The crisis is temporary.

Any more bad news?

Here, on this staircase...

...the psychologist Vicenta
Llaurad� was raped repeatedly.

Repeatedly?

Repeatedly.

So can you help me
get the loan?

- What are your guarantees?
- State bonds.

They're no good.
The State's bankrupt.

Well, this is
really magnificent.

Just like a cathedral.

And light, lots of light.
It certainly has that.

You can't deny it.

- What? My I. D?
- No, you're a special guest.

This way.

- There's the party.
- Gentlemen, we've arrived.

This is the gallery.

Give the guide a tip.

- You've caught me...
- Not at all.

Another day.

Leave the bag here
and go through again.

How are you?

Empty out all metallic objects.

- Is this really necessary?
- It's for security.

- This is candy.
- Go through again.

This is all because
a minister's coming.

No, it's for the cutlery.

- I haven't got anything else!
- Really, Bermejo.

What's that?

Well, I had an operation...

...and they gave me an accessory
which perhaps...

All right, go ahead.

Tell me, Bermejo.

- What's this about an accessory?
- It's nothing.

A prosthesis, you understand?

- Does it work?
- Well...

You must tell me. I've a friend
with a little problem.

I'm a no-good anti-Castrist.

I've come here from Miami.

I'm a no-good anti-Castrist.

Long live Batista's revolution.

Yeah!

And there we had
the representatives...

...of the Cuban exiles.

There may be hunger in Cuba
but there is theater.

And our world
hungers for culture.

We can't have thousands
of actors unemployed...

...and not remedy it.

- Get off!
- Let him speak!

Have some respect.

I'm here to act as M.C.

If you're going to be like that,
I'm leaving.

- Well, leave then!
- Bring the girls on again!

- Father Rebollo!
- Is he still alive?

Please empty your pockets.

It's just a penknife
for cutting cheese.

This is just in case...

Yes, that's fine.

This, as you know,
is a crucifix and...

- That's fine, but not the knife.
- My son!

Holy Virgin!

Father Rebollo!

- You know him?
- Unfortunately.

I got arrested installing
toilets in his church.

A Holy Joe who pretends
he's a Red.

The church's claws
are in everything.

Don't exaggerate, man!

- When are we going to eat?
- That's anybody's guess!

They were supposed
to pay me a tribute...

...but I haven't had a crumb.
And the wine's bad.

I was in jail in the Republic,
in the war, under Franco.

I've spent fifty years
in jails.

I know them all, the Modelo,
Carabanchel, Oca�a, El Puerto.

I've been on death row.

But they're going
to starve us to death here.

If you've been through so much,
you can bear a bit more.

No! I've suffered a lot
and been hungry all my life.

- But now I want to eat!
- What an appetite!

With so few people
we'll cancel the meal.

Go to the kitchen
and order sandwiches.

- Do I put them down as extras?
- Yes, the ministry won't know.

Now, the President
is in Europe.

Look at Father Rebollo
fraternizing.

Really!

That's what I call comradeship.

- The minister has confirmed.
- Yes, he has.

General Directors, three.

The union people...

- And the anarchists?
- They threatened a boycott.

- What is it?
- They won't collaborate.

Now they say they want
to see the soccer match.

- Bring back the anti-Castrists.
- They're reactionary bitches!

But they wiggle their asses!
And who's that?

Fuck, television!
Matilde, the sandwiches.

That's enough.

Silence! Silence!

What are you doing?
Get out of here, Birdy!

Iturralde, shut them up!

Up with Landero, our hero!
Down with women!

Well, Landero,
let's see how you behave.

I'm a gentleman.

That's good. These people
want to interview you.

Now, we could walk over
to this gallery.

You stand here and tell us
what happened to your first wife.

Maite, give him
a bit of make-up.

Keep shooting.

We were waiting for you.
I'm Luis Quintanilla.

- From the jail?
- Good God, no.

This is where
we'll read the manifesto.

- What manifesto?
- There's some confusion here.

These people have come
to do an item...

...on the Black Widow
of Burjasot.

Do you only report
on crimes now?

Where are all the news teams?

At a summit.

Out of the country?
Fucking summits...

I specialize in writs
against television.

Silence, we're recording!

Over here, Mr. Landero.
Cesar, the mike.

Now, tell us
how you found your wife...

...with an axe in her head.

To the camera.

It was a surprise for me.
I didn't expect it of her.

Was the axe inside the house
or outside?

In its proper place.

Excuse me a moment.

Hasn't your wife
disappeared in Somalia?

No, she has not. And I said
I didn't want to discuss this!

- Come now, Mr. Mu�agorri!
- Don't be such a pest!

This is almost ready.

Voil�!

The chef's master stroke.

Hey, boss,
why don't we gob into it?

Don't be disgusting!

Christ! You'll never learn.
This is to reduce the grease.

All in its own time.

Matilde, what's going on?

I haven't seen hide nor hair
of the under-secretary.

Give me a break.
I've to do everything.

L�aki, how's the hot-pot?

- Almost ready. Want to try it?
- All right.

Taste that. It's exquisite.

Delicious! Too bad the minister
won't appreciate it.

- Isn't he coming?
- Not until tomorrow.

We thought we'd just
have sandwiches.

Fuck, what is all this?

Look, I'm not just anybody.

I've received international
awards in Bordeaux.

Fucking hell!

- Do you want an amnesty or not?
- Well, yes.

If you want to get back
to your restaurant...

...skip the hot-pot
and make sandwiches.

No, he's not going to appear.
I know that.

And I'm here behind bars
like a cheap crook.

- Don't be so negative.
- He's really coming tomorrow?

He is, Bermejo.
He is, he is.

By the way, come in here.

- Come along.
- Yes, ma'am.

Mariano told me about
the commission in his letter.

- Commission?
- Yes.

You can sort that out
between yourselves.

Not if you want me to fix
things with the under-secretary.

Really! Everyone wants
something out of this.

- Are you "Bermejo Sanitation"?
- I am.

The warden's expecting you
when the match begins.

- Thank you.
- Don't mention it.

- The commission.
- Not a cent.

- That's it.
- But we're watching the match.

Is it my fault we have
only one television?

Excuse my wife, Mu�agorri.

Living in the prison
has affected her a little.

Don't worry. We can always
talk somewhere else.

They've won the car.

Not like others, who don't
even have an official car.

Vanessa's the best thing here.

She's discreet, clean...

...and she's free, too.

She was a drug pusher,
but she's reformed.

The gentleman
isn't interested in that.

He might be.

What about the donation?

Will we have enough
for our vacation?

Yes, come in.

- Good afternoon.
- Bermejo, glad to see you.

The warden's wife wanted
to have a word with you.

- Are you in sanitation?
- Artemio Bermejo, ma'am.

I've met you already.

Come with me.
I want to show you something.

But didn't you call me
to see the match?

You're not missing anything.
It's lousy. Go on.

Come on, sit down, warden.

- No spunk.
- They're worthless.

The spirit of sacrifice!
All they care about is money.

They're just money grabbers.

Since we came to this jail,
we've had problems.

And the bathroom!
Look how it smells.

I see. I mean, I smell.

We get all the prisoners' shit.
And they really crap.

- The food would do that.
- That isn't all.

Listen to this.

Warden, faggot,
we'll cut your balls off.

We're going to...

I'm drowning!

Good gracious!

It's like that all day.

Really, it's awful
when you sit there...

...to do it,
and they talk to your rear.

Yes, it resounds.

The pipes must be
interconnected.

Yes, it happens here
and in the bidet.

Even caustic soda
doesn't work on them.

I don't know
if that's the answer.

The soccer game.

What do you think of my offer?

Look, Mu�agorri,
it's really impossible.

I'm the warden of this jail.

I've got responsibilities.

- And I've got prestige.
- Ninety.

Ninety?

Look, they brought that man here
and put him in my care.

And we're taking
very good care of him.

He's being treated
like a king.

Look, you know
perfectly well...

...how influential
Mr. Tornicelli is.

He was arrested in our country
by chance.

There's pressure
from embassies...

...Stock Exchanges.

Even the Vatican's involved.

- The Holy Mother Church!
- You said it.

Warden, even the group of seven
can't come to an agreement.

Some want him extradited.

Others want...

...to have him tried.

Yes, and the majority want
him liquidated. Kaput!

Our government wants
nothing to do with it.

Escape is the only solution.
You'd have no more trouble.

- I can go to one hundred.
- Up front, of course.

Absolutely. We never
charge any taxes.

Another thing. You'll pay
the cost of the strike.

No, no. It's up to you
to bribe the union leader.

We're more worried
about the prisoners.

Mu�agorri, I can't promise
anything about the prisoners.

It depends on their mood
when they get up...

...on how they goddam feel.
Maybe if we change the menu...

- But they're unpredictable.
- That's your problem.

Our limit is the set price.

I'd rather not use this file.

There's proof of your affair
with the maid...

...or houseboy, whatever.

But where did you get
all this?

I was given that here,
in the prison.

There are people who know
everything, warden.

- Now, about Tornicelli...
- All right. It's a deal.

Look, I admit
that I'm in love.

All I want to do
is escape from the prison...

...and get far away
from my wife...

...once and for all.

How the hell can I go anywhere
with a monster like that?

When I think about it,
yours is worse than mine.

On the other hand, Vanessa...

She is something else.

She's such a gentle creature,
so delicate.

She's like a geisha.

Once she has
the operation!

You rogue! Don't talk to me
about women!

I know it all.
We're professionals!

Efficient and serious.

- Goal!
- Was it a goal?

I told you so.
There had to be one.

I smelled that goal
from the toilet.

If you think a banquet
is a hunk of bread...

Austerity, father.
This is a re-encounter.

A vigil for fraternity
and solidarity, you know.

Matilde, more sandwiches here.

- Good, aren't they?
- You could put in more meat.

It's worse
than the Teruel front.

I bet that fascist
got a bigger ration.

- All I got was two sardines.
- Why are you here anyway?

Four years in Alicante
for political activity.

- That's like a summer camp.
- And five more in Russia.

It's cold there, all right.

And ten in Brazil.

Do they jail falangists there?

No, it was a crime of passion.
Women...

Those are bullet marks.

You're too young
to remember...

...but here they shot
people who fought tyranny.

No, that's where
the clothes line was!

Of course they shot them,
but not in the gallery, idiot.

Post the letters of protest
against foreign films for me.

- What the hell are you up to?
- Nothing!

Quintanilla! Am I reading
the manifesto or not?

I'm fed up with all this!

No, I'm reading it tomorrow.

You tell the jokes.
You're an actor, aren't you?

Sign the manifesto, please.

More signatures?
I want to have dinner.

And these young Cuban ladies?

What's their revolution?

Revolution? None!
They told me they were nuns.

Nuns? Some fucking nuns!

I hear Fuente,
the financial adviser...

...is imprisoned here.

Yes, he's an important
prisoner.

Don't worry, he's got
every possible privilege.

To be honest,
I'd rather not run into him.

Could you put him
in solitary confinement?

Really, Mu�agorri! How can
you ask me to do that?

It's impossible!
I've got my ethics, you know.

Your ethics are Vanessa.

- Is this boloni all right?
- Top quality.

I know you deserve better
but with all these people...

Of course, afterwards,
we'll have a few other things.

- We'll be ready.
- That's the way.

And what's in here?
A spanner?

- Or are you glad to see me?
- No, an operation...

I'm convalescing.

The thing is, I have to see
the under-secretary.

Gentlemen...

...that's the curfew.

Stand up, please.

Please get in line...

...in accordance with
the numbers you've been given.

Can we go now?
I'll be back tomorrow.

Just get in line.

That's it.

Look, it's Birdy!

I'll show you the cells.

I suppose this atmosphere
brings back memories.

Certainly does.

None of them good.

There were good times too.

Yes, I went on a diet
and lost fifteen pounds.

- Have you ever been in jail?
- I did seven weeks.

For participating
in a Socialist meeting.

- This way. You're in 13.
- I knew it. It's fate.

Well, it's not
like twenty years ago!

They really have
fixed up the jails.

The toilet?

It's over here. Brand new,
disinfected, clean curtains.

It's by the opposition.
A piece of shit.

The fumigator doesn't work.
And it's blocked.

- It's fine like this.
- I'll fix it now.

I hope you enjoy it.

If you're thirsty,
the water's there.

Pyjamas, donated by
the nurses' pawnshop...

...and toilet bags.

- Can we have breakfast in bed?
- Please, Mu�agorri.

If you need anything,
call the guard.

Or call me at this number,
all right?

Good night, and good-bye.

What? No, no, absolutely not.

I agreed to take part
in this pantomime...

...but I'm not sleeping here!
I'm going to an hotel.

- Bermejo!
- I'm leaving!

It's impossible.
The gates are locked.

Security measures.
Try to understand.

This is a trap!

Get me a pass, a safe-conduct,
anything, but I'm leaving!

I've got no authority.

You're meant to re-experience
spending a night in a cell.

- It's in the program.
- As if I read that!

- I'm not sleeping with them.
- Please!

Because of that
goddam priest...

...I had to go to jail.

That actor is a bore,
and he's a faggot too!

The other, with
the political conscience...

...is a fucking banker
who won't give me a loan.

If I have to sleep here,
it'll be in another cell.

Would you shut up, idiot!

I'd like
an individual room too.

It's impossible. The rooms
have all been assigned.

Let's follow
the fucking program for once!

We're here in solidarity with
those deprived of freedom.

We could do that just as well
on the outside!

It's not the same,
Mr. Bermejo.

Listen! Listen!

He wanted to eat the sandwich!

The bastard has locked us in!

Quintanilla! I want out!
Come back!

Don't get so worked up.

We could have
a psycho-drama session.

Did you see
"The Kiss of the Spider Woman"?

- It's about...
- I refuse!

It's bad enough
being locked in...

...without a fairy
telling me about films.

Lay off. I don't interfere
in your sex life...

...if you still have one,
which I doubt.

Will you please stop fighting.
Aren't we here for a reason?

Excuse me.

Father, are you going
to stink us out?

What can I do, my son?

It was a call of nature.
It must have been the boloni.

And I've got no medicine.

- Has anyone got a diuretic?
- Yes, Bermejo. Take this.

And now maybe
you'll stop groaning.

Here, I've got
some spare laxatives.

- Lf I may.
- They're miraculous.

I have
some anti-depressants...

...which are great
in these cases.

Wait, wait, wait.

Bless these pills
we are about to take...

...and help the oppressed
gain justice...

...and punish
their oppressors...

Father, how can you preach
at a time like this?

You're just a renegade.

In the weakness of skeptics
lies the seed of fascism.

I don't give a damn!

Will you please stop arguing.
I'd like to get some sleep.

Mr. Mu�agorri...

May I use your telephone?

- A long-distance call?
- No, it's local.

- Yes, but don't take long.
- I won't. Thank you.

Thank you.

Mu�agorri, or whatsit...

Look, lights out.

And now there's no light!
Goddammit!

I'd really like to put on
"The Kiss of the Spider Woman".

- The El Cid Tavern?
- Yes.

- Mrs. Bermejo, please.
- Justonemoment.

Yes, I'll hold.

You're a fascist!

Leave me alone!

Hello? Who is that?

Ludo?

Christ, it's the Bosnian!

My wife!
I want to speak to my wife!

Lumpen of the intelligentsia.

- Whoisit?
- Mariano, it's me, Artemio.

Are you having a ball?

Am I having a ball?

Am I having a ball?

Wait till I get you!

- Andtheunder-secretary?
- Fuck the under-secretary!

They've locked me in.
I have to sleep here.

I must go.
The suckling pig is ready.

I'll kill him.

Mr. Mu�agorri, could I have
Mr. Quintanilla's number?

Jesus, Bermejo,
you're a real pain!

- Here's Quintanilla's number.
- Thank you.

Thank you.

- Mr. Quintanilla!
- Yes?

- This is Bermejo.
- Bermejowho?

Of Bermejo Sanitation.

Mr. Quintanilla,
I must get out of here!

Bermejo, please, calm down.

Just relax. Meditate.

Think that we're in communion
with those who are suffering.

And please don't call
this number.

Yes, I know I gave it to you,
but just for emergencies.

That's right. Yes, indeed.
Good-bye.

- What's with the toilet king?
- Claustrophobia.

- How are things?
- We saved on dinner...

...so we've made,
at a pinch...

I'll give you a pinch
once we lock our cell door.

Jail does wonders for you,
Quintanilla!

It's the hot-pot that...
By the way, where is it?

Here it is. Thank you.
Do we eat it with our fingers?

Jaramillo, get the cutlery.

- Here you are.
- Wonderful.

- Lf I may, Mr. Quintanilla.
- Come in, Jaramillo.

I'd give the priest some,
but the boloni was deadly.

Is the cutlery in the safe?

- Yes, in the strongbox.
- That's good.

Going to knife the guard?

Why would I get myself
in a bigger mess?

It's to cut up a pig
we have in the kitchen.

- Good. Have this for the road.
- Thanks a lot.

If I get one of those knives,
the simpleton with the...

- You liked him, didn't you?
- I'm obsessed, Quintanilla.

The broth
is really substantial.

I'm going to kill
that swindler Mariano.

I'll kill him!

Listen!

Would you lie still?

- What are you doing?
- Never mind.

Are you jerking off
at your age?

This is too much!

I'm tense. If I don't do this,
I won't get to sleep.

I'm not taking any more!

Will you shut up
and let me get to sleep!

Who can sleep here?

Who got me into all this mess?

The hell with everyone!
I'm getting out of here.

My father told me long ago.
"Job done, job paid".

Guard!

Is anyone there?

Shit!

What are you doing here?
How did you get out?

My friend Rogelio can open
any lock ever made.

- It was easy.
- Do you want to leave too?

No, I'm going to see the girls.
We've got a date with them.

The girls are sleeping here?
Sodom and Gomorrah!

They're in that cell.

Did you see their asses?
They're asking for it.

At your age,
how can you think of sex?

In jail that's all you can
think about, right, Rogelio?

I'll say. The cage
gives you a hard-on.

I've just seen that.

- What is it?
- Fuck! I can't see a thing.

Do you know
where you're going?

Of course I do.

- Good night.
- Why are you here?

We're going to invite
the ladies to dinner.

I consider it a Spaniard's duty
to screw the colonies.

There's enough for everyone.

Gladys! Gladys! It's Modesto.
Open the door.

Fuck it! They've gone
tight-assed on us.

- I'm going to see.
- No, don't bother.

He's doing his best.

But they like screwing.
They're from the tropics.

I'll soon fix this.

Just a minute.
We're gentlemen.

Listen, I saved
three nuns in '36.

Can't you tell me
how to get out of here?

It's very difficult now.
The doors are locked.

Even Birdy doesn't try.

Stay, you'll score tonight.

That's it. He's got it open.

There's no one here.
The birds have flown.

- Now where will we go?
- For a cigarette.

And to visit that bottle
I keep on my private roof.

Know what? I'm staying here
to look for them.

Listen, can't I leave
by this roof?

- Sure, with a good rope.
- No, that would be an escape.

You're real unlucky.

Mu�agorri!
What are you doing here?

Nothing. Relaxing a little,
fighting insomnia, like you.

Good night.
Good-bye, Bermejo.

Good night.
Where are we going?

Yes, everything
is under control.

Well, everything except
the prisoners.

But I'm worried
about Damborenea.

Yes, the minister.

He's coming tomorrow,
but with the CIA guys.

I must go.
Keep in touch.

Come along, gentlemen.

This is my box
for the concerts.

Really, I prefer variety
but still...

Who's in that cell?

A rich man
who's wanted by everyone.

Make yourself at home.

I always say
there's nothing nicer...

...than a midnight smoke
on a prison roof.

If you had such a bad time
why did you come back here?

When you think about it,
my only home has been in jail.

And you get used
to everything...

...except the fucking hunger.

But the food's very good now,
and we've everything we need.

Soccer, artistes,
bullfights...

We don't have to pay a cent.
And it's tax-free!

I've even got
a girl friend...

...in that flat
with the flowerpots.

- But she's on vacation now.
- You see?

Years ago, he and I would have
been shooting each other...

...and now here we are,
sharing a bottle.

- And fuck the mulattoes!
- And co-religionists.

I don't believe
in anything now.

But under-secretaries
still cheat on me.

They cheat on all of us.
But so what!

Let's keep singing.

"Arise, ye starvelings
from your slumbers"

- Clench your fist!
- My arthritis!

"...marching with
the fascist troops."

Times change
at a terrible rate.

A terrible rate.

I looked on the walls
of my homeland!

- And I showed them my ass!
- And so did I!

And I!

I'll show mine in my cell.

With your permission.

What I'm going through!

What I'm going through...

...because of that damn Mariano!

Idiot!

What's that?

Bermejo!

You again?
You're really stubborn.

You can't go,
especially not now.

We must stick together
in misfortune.

For that's what this is.
But you must be discreet.

Go on in.

Look.

Look.

The priest is dead.

I tidied him up like you said.

I didn't do anything!

He just farted
and then he died.

- What is this, a party?
- Father Rebollo has departed.

What was that?

- Suddenly?
- He kicked the bucket.

Natural causes?

From a fart.
Or so he says.

A saint.

Tomorrow we'll pay him
the homage he deserves.

In the meantime,
be discreet.

Extremely discreet.

Do we have to sleep
with the corpse?

We'll carry on with the program.
Please just concentrate on...

Where are you going?

Where are you going?
Christ, that's all I needed.

Not here. Not here!

They told us to shift him.

But not out here in the sun.
Put him in the shade.

Put him inside, in the kitchen
where it's cool.

- Is the under-secretary here?
- He's the goal keeper.

Thank you very much.

Under-secretary,
do you remember me?

Artemio Bermejo,
Bermejo Sanitation.

And I'm Ortiz,
Ortiz Girdles.

Good heavens.

I've done it again.

This is all too much.
Who got me into this...

Now, we're going
to line up for a photo.

Prisoners of conscience,
over here.

Guards, a bit further back.
That's it.

Prisoners of conscience here.
Bermejo! Hold the ball for me.

The guards...

Excuse me, warden.
This line-up isn't correct.

There are prisoners here.

Well, we hadn't enough guards
to make up a team.

And today we're on
minimum services.

All right,
but it's incorrect.

- What's with the TV?
- Relax, they're coming.

Good, we need the TV.
And we need the minister.

Under-secretary, you can rest
until the minister comes.

Under-secretary,
I'm delighted to see you.

Artemio Bermejo,
Bermejo Sanitation.

I'm sure you remember me.

The program for
the old folks' day centers.

My firm won the tender
for installing the toilets.

Of course. Bermejo...

I've been trying
for two years to get paid...

...and it's impossible.

I don't think this is
really the place.

- Why not call me Monday?
- You're never in the office!

What can I say?

With your signature,
it would all be sorted out.

Listen, Requejo,
or Bermejo.

I'll be honest.

- It's a bad time for us now.
- And for me too!

We've got budget problems.

We've got the Treasury
on our backs.

I'm an honorable businessman!

The intermediary
got his commission.

Really! We must all put
our shoulders to the wheel!

You can all shove the wheel!

You can take your time
paying others...

...but I want my money!

I'll see what I can do.

But you could be
more supportive.

Clear the landing area!

Watch the old people
and the cripple!

Matilde, the minister's shorts
and shirt, please.

Right away!

Do you think the minister...

...will authorize
the payment?

As if the minister had
nothing better to think about!

Sir, I knew you wouldn't
let us down.

Quintanilla,
I always keep my promises.

- The warden.
- At your service, sir.

Well, my dear Perales!

Good to see you.

I signed something for you
this morning.

- What did I sign, Bonilla?
- His dismissal.

- What?
- Sweet Jesus!

- Is his signature still valid?
- How was your trip, sir?

We're following our program
right to the letter...

...always allowing for any
difficulties which may arise.

- Someone's escaping!
- Birdy!

Birdy, come down from there,
you bastard!

Come back!

What's the matter?

If he falls,
he'll kill himself!

Don't worry,
he'll fall in the next yard.

Yes, but we'll have
no center-forward!

- You can change...
- Is that dismissal final?

I'm speaking
with the minister!

Ready for the photo, sir?
Go ahead.

You got the prime minister's
telegram of support?

No, we got nothing.

- Damborenea, you have two days.
- Shove off!

Why is he here?

They'll do anything
for publicity.

As a student,
he was arrested in a demo.

I've faced the riot cops,
not like others.

Let's get started.

- Will we toss for it?
- Lord, it doesn't matter.

- The minister can choose.
- Well then, you can kick off.

Then let's get started.

Fuck it, Gutierrez, not him.
He's the minister!

Go on, get out of here.
You're sent off!

Just a minute, if anyone is
being sent off, I do it.

Look, I have to maintain
discipline in my team.

- All right.
- I need a tetanus shot, dammit.

What I'm trying to say...

Even though you've been fired,
you can fix my payment...

...and leave everything
in order.

I don't give a fuck
about your toilets!

- I've got enough problems.
- It would only take a minute.

Leave me alone! Speak
to the new under-secretary.

Watch out! Mark him!

- Who?
- Him!

- They got you!
- Christ!

What's the problem?

Sporting arousal? Priapism?

No, a fortuitous pass.

An inopportune kick.

The mechanism shot out.

- Japanese?
- No, German.

It's double hinged.

Good, there's no problem.

It's fixed.

I ordered a sherry an hour ago,
and I'm still waiting.

This place is more like
the Ritz than a sick bay.

- Alberto, how are you?
- Cesar!

Salcedo! Long time, no see!

So what are you in here for?

I'm just visiting.

Well, how are we all?

How are we, Delafuente?

Why were you in solitary?

"How are we?"

"How are we?"

Fucked, thanks to you!
I'll kill you!

Calm down, we're gentlemen!

Bermejo!
Say something to this man!

I'm in jail because of you
and your wife!

You know I had nothing
to do with all that.

Calm him down. He's crazy.

Open the door.
Open up, please.

- What's going on here?
- A result of the crisis.

- Victims of unfair play.
- Like me?

- Why are you dressed like that?
- We were playing soccer.

And as the minister's a fan...

Soccer! You're too old
for that sort of thing.

You'll damage yourself.

Have you taken the pills
for your prostate?

Yes, I have.

And they've made you captain.

We're in mourning.

Father Rebollo's dead.

The one that got you in jail?

- Why was he here?
- Showing solidarity.

Serves the commie right!

Have you sorted things out?

Don't even mention it.

This is a a trap.

I had to sleep in the cell
with the priest's corpse.

- But did you speak to Matilde?
- Matilde?

She's a sly one.

You and I have to talk
when I get out.

Have you seen
the under-secretary?

We played together,
but he ignored me.

What's more...

...he's been fired.

That's a real drag.

But get him to sign.
We're broke...

...and we haven't paid
the child's school fees.

- Not to mention the Bosnian.
- Don't pick on him.

He's suffered enough already,
and now he's sick.

- Yeah, from the brandy.
- No, the suckling pig.

He's not used to eating.

- Grandma...
- Ludo, stop it!

- No. When are we going?
- Now. Kiss your grandad.

You have to talk
to the politicians.

But be careful what you say.

Butter them up and play on
your political past.

As if they'd notice me!

You fix everything...

...and get out early. We want
to avoid the traffic jams.

We're going to the beach now.

And remember. Be diplomatic,
or servile, whatever.

And be careful what you eat.

Mr. Bermejo,
the warden wants you.

- What for?
- I can't say, I'm sorry.

We're short-handed.

Thank you so much, Tartajada.

- Atahualpa...
- My pleasure.

Alcazar...

Thank you.

Well, well! My dear Bermejo!

I sent for you because I was
sure you would do us a favor.

More favors? Another toilet?

Look, it's just to take part
in an identity parade.

No! You're going to get me
into trouble.

Here's the mime.

Bermejo!
Where's your civic spirit?

Normally the guards
do this...

...but they're on strike now.

And we're short-handed.

And if I'm picked out?

Don't you worry,
come along and pose.

Picture time.

- No, not me.
- Forgive me, Alcazar.

But that's the warden's maid.

So what?
Don't worry about it.

Well, here are the others,
Mu�agorri.

Up to now,
except for the cripple...

Imagine that fairy Alcazar!

Gentlemen, please stand
underneath the numbers.

What do you think?

Will any of them be of use?

Maybe the mime...

Mimes always annoy people.

- They'd kill him in a minute.
- That's true.

The old communist?

But he's a trouble maker.

- I still think you'd be best.
- Really, Mu�agorri!

I don't know.

Maybe that bore Bermejo.

- Bermejo...
- Yes. He's stingy.

That's a help.
Maybe we could bribe him.

Yes, that's true.
But he doesn't look innocent.

No, he looks like an imbecile.
That's better.

I still think you'd be best.

No, no, Mu�agorri.
I'd be very vulnerable.

I'm not very popular
in this prison, you know.

And beside Tornicelli,
who's a dwarf...

...I'd make an easy target,
Mu�agorri.

- That's it then! Bermejo.
- Bermejo?

Gentlemen, we've finished.
Thank you.

We'll open the door now.

I don't want a dead priest
in here! It's a jinx!

All right.
Jaramilla, shift him, please.

- Right away, Mr. Quintanilla.
- Give him a hand.

He's tucked over in the corner.
He isn't in the way.

Get him out of the coldstore,
or I'll fuck up the paella!

No, don't!
They're taking him out.

But your fridge
is full of dead animals.

How can a poor man
of the church bother you?

- He was a saint.
- No, fuck it!

Get him out
or nobody gets fed!

- He's a heavy bastard.
- Have some respect.

- I'll speak to the warden!
- I don't give a fuck.

Careful with the chicken.
It's a fad of the minister.

A fad of the minister!

I'll fix the minister.

- Is this ready?
- Yeah, fuck it!

I'll give the minister a fad.
Voil�!

Careful.

Careful.

Bermejo, come here!

- Help us out
- Lend us a hand, please.

The priest again?
Definitely not!

Just for a minute.
Show some solidarity.

- Now I'm a pall bearer!
- Left, into the chapel.

We've brought Father Rebollo
so that you can pray for him.

I'll have no red priest
in my chapel!

This is sacred ground.

But after all, he was
a servant of God too.

Some servant of God.

He only ever believed
in self service.

Have a bit of pity.

Like he had.
And look at me.

Top of my class
in the seminary...

...and now a miserable
prison chaplain.

But I'm telling you to take
that son of Satan out of here.

You needn't be like that.

Let's go.

Fewer masses and more paellas!

Keep silent, please.

This man also lost
his freedom...

...and we can't even pay him
a final homage.

- I could say the prayers.
- Are you a priest, Jaramilla?

Secularized. The civil war,
a militia woman, you know.

All right, but I don't
want any sacrilege.

Gentlemen,
your attention, please.

Attention.

Father Rebollo is watching us.

Ass-hole!

Open it up.
Bermejo, the candlestick.

Careful!

Careful!

Birdy!

- That's why it was so heavy!
- Jesus, my balls!

My balls are frozen.
Fucking hell!

Listen, if you're going,
I'm going too.

I'm sorry, father, I'm sorry.

Birdy!

Mu�agorri!
What about the loan?

Don't worry about it.

- Want to hear this?
- Not if it isn't gregorian.

- That man will be the hostage.
- That idiot?

That's why we chose him.

- How much will it cost?
- It'll be very expensive.

Why do the poor
like money so much?

Ideas that they get.
His company is bankrupt.

To sum it all up,
is everything ready?

Yes, but I'm worried
about the government.

Extradition?

Yes. I think
the helicopter...

...is to take you
to the States.

It couldn't reach Washington.

It could reach Rota,
that's an American base.

- Then take care of the pilot.
- I will.

Tell me, how is
the director treating you?

Very well indeed. Fantastic.

Don Vicente is
a real gentleman.

It's what you deserve,
Tornicelli.

The thing is, I'm very Ionely
and very bored.

And there's a regatta
on Wednesday.

I'm sure you'll be there
for it.

You may even win.
Right, warden?

Of course.

I must make an urgent call...

...to the president of
the Bank of Milan.

Have you finished?

No, I haven't,
but your wish is my command.

Thank you very much.
You're so kind.

You must sort out
the Delafuente business.

It's all in here.
Don't worry.

- Say hello to Batistini for me.
- I will.

San Vitore Prison?

Yes, Mr. Batistini, please.

And I'm calling collect.
That's right, thank you.

He's resting?

He's resting.

How's the program?

- Jaume, two yogurts.
- Two yogurts.

We'll use the peak moment
of the celebration to escape.

All the guards are on strike.

There'll be an armor-plated car
waiting at the door and...

Yes, thank you.

- Can I take him with me?
- He still has six years to do.

Carry on.

As I said, there'll be
an armor-plated car...

...waiting at the door.

Yes, and I'll take care
of the minister and the pilot.

That's perfect.
But I must ask one favor.

I've bought a lot of gifts.
Could you send them on to me?

Good Lord,
don't worry about that.

I'll send them to you
by door-to-door delivery.

Thank you.

You must remember.

It was "Gather the grapes,
gather the grapes..."

"Gather the grapes of liberty."

That's it, exactly.

That's real old-fashioned.

I do disco music now,
and bakalao. Listen...

Who could forget those songs?
And that famous one of yours.

"With your face into the wind,
break down the wall".

That was Labordeta,
from Asturias.

No, Labordeta was from
Valencia.

Can I swap this cockroach
for some shellfish?

We've only got prawns.

Will you swap this
for some chicken?

Like hell.

I must speak to you.
Excuse us.

You said it was all fixed
with the under-secretary...

...but he keeps hiding on me.
And he's been fired as well!

Ease up, Bermejo.
I'll go look for him.

Take it easy, for God's sake!

Matilde, the TV people!

After what you said
about the summit...

They deserved it.

Yes, and people
really want to hear you.

Exactly. I've prepared
a few pages...

...but tell me something.

Is this taxable or not?

- There's no payment.
- What?

But we accept donations,
so if you'd like...

Quintanilla, not that again!

I won't take it any more.
I've had enough. I'm off!

You can't go. Have some paella
and then we'll talk.

- Minister, this is a pleasure!
- Mu�agorri!

Fancy seeing you here.

How long since
you've been to a meeting?

We must have
a collective conscience.

Yes, and it turns out
our Italian friend is in here.

Take care
if you're up to something.

This is a delicate matter.

There's pressure
from Washington.

We don't want
the bank involved.

Nor us, the government.

Your first helicopter flight.

- Where's your fear of flying?
- And where's your wife?

I have absolutely nothing
to say about her, Damborenea.

Mu�agorri, how are you?

Up to dirty business
with the capital.

Azuara, you're a real
pain in the ass.

- Minister!
- Perales!

Is the dismissal final, sir?

Take it easy, don't worry.
Take it easy.

What were you saying, Perales?

That fucking Bermejo
keeps chasing me...

...about some urinals.

Why bring all this rabble?

This country is full of pests.

By the way, did you
make your donation yet?

I'm fucking unemployed!

Fuck, he's coming!

- Let's check things outside.
- I can't raise a cent.

Girls, girls...

Look after the minister.

- Hey...
- I'll be with you now.

Do you think they'll give me
anything? A cigarette case...

I wouldn't depend on it.

You know,
I have to live off charity.

I mean, they don't even
give me a pension.

Of course, I spent
fifty years in jail...

...and as hard labor
had no pension fund...

...here I am.

Here, nobody gives you
anything.

I only enjoy annoying people.

I must be getting old.

Where can those birds
have got to?

- Have you still got the urge?
- I'll say.

We should take advantage
of the siesta time.

Let's see if we get something
out of this.

They'll have gone to change.
We'll visit them.

We'll score today,
or my name isn't Modesto.

I want to know where that
under-secretary rat is.

- Forget him.
- Come down here with us.

Help the Aragonese lesbians.
Sign here.

What a fixation
you have with signatures.

Are you against
sexual freedom?

No, I was just looking.

I like perversions too.

You know,
panties and all that.

Macho pig!

But with a bit of discretion.

- Come here.
- What's up?

Everything's fixed
with the under-secretary.

Yes, he told me you must speak
to his replacement.

Jesus Christ!
The same old story!

Don't shout. I've done my job.
So remember my commission.

Your commission for what?

- Here, have something to eat.
- What is this shit?

- You're not in charge.
- What is this?

Lots of ecology,
but you're always fighting.

This fuckwit is selling pins
that aren't official.

I can't work like that.
It isn't honest.

Let's see if today
we can have a little harmony.

And what's this about
you keeping 10�/� of our profit?

It's robbery.

It's a symbolic amount.
A kind of contribution.

I should have gone
on the anti-nukes march.

- This place is full of spongers.
- What? Spongers?

Charge him 20�/�

- He's over in the toilets.
- Thank you.

In stall no. 33...

...the Austro-Hungarian
Liberation Front...

Enjoying yourself, Bermejo?

Me? In this trap?

What a farce!

The under-secretary isn't
under-secretary any more.

I get no sleep,
I get whacked in the balls...

...taken for a criminal,
have to carry a dead priest...

...and now
I get covered in shit.

I'm really sorry
about all that.

How much did you say
the administration owes you?

- 80 million.
- Very little.

- I've had a great idea.
- You'll give me the loan.

No, it's something
much better.

- What if we bought the company?
- Well! If it were up to me...

Debts and all?

The whole lot.

- Basic services are a safe bet.
- You think so?

I always thought that too.

A financial group
wants to invest here.

We could bank
some of the money abroad.

- Or all of it.
- Excellent!

I like that!
A business flair.

- It's a deal.
- We have to discuss it.

Paolo Tornicelli is waiting.
I'll introduce you.

- Tornicelli?
- Yes.

God's banker?

No, simply an investor.

With the grapes,
with the grapes,

with the grapes of freedom.

With the bread,

and with the grapes,

with the bread,

and with the grapes
of freedom.

Goyo!

I'm reading the manifesto.

- The body's secure, isn't it?
- Yeah, we propped it up.

Move it nearer the palm.
With this heat...

I've got my speech ready
for the television.

No, I do the television bit.

Only my party defends freedom.

Free companies, free markets,
free dismissal.

Later, later.

It's the usual trouble makers.
Keep singing.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you, Rafael and Pastor.
Thank you everyone.

We'll have a short practice
for the television link-up.

We'll all sing the anthemn.

The words will appear
on the screens...

...subtitled in Spanish,
English, French and Quechua.

Why not in Valencian?

- In Spain, Spanish.
- Shut up!

Let's have no arguing, please.

When I say "video",
the video will start...

...and Pastor will begin
to sing the anthemn.

Let's start. That's it.

Every Spaniard has a cell

waiting for them
in the prison.

Let's all go on strike.

Let's fight
against oppression.

Video!

I've got a yellow tractor.

It's all the rage now.

I've got a yellow tractor,

because
it's the latest fashion.

I've got a yellow tractor,

It's all the rage now.

What the fuck
is that meant to be?

That's not right.
That's not it.

That's not it.
That isn't the anthemn.

- Can't they do anything right?
- The karaoke's broken.

You lot go on and play.

You're all sons of bitches!

Weren't they going
to shift the prisoners?

- Full amnesty!
- But only gradually. We'll see.

Come up here, doll,
we've something for you.

You're not man enough.
Send the one with the tongue.

Come up here,
you can play with my balls!

Faggots!

I want a woman!

Minister!

Where's Bonilla? We haven't
heard from him in eight hours.

- What Bonilla? My secretary?
- Yes, he's our agent.

Fucking hell! The agent here
is that idiot Bonilla!

Bonilla, an agent.
Bonilla in the CIA.

Well, he's in casualty.

- Poison?
- Paella.

Listen, without him
there's no operation.

We fulfilled our part.

We organized a celebration,
and we got the helicopter here.

And I've no intention of going
back to Madrid in it...

...not even if the President
himself tells me, so...

Tell me,
what did Tornicelli do?

You're all a load of bunglers
who never know anything.

I dare you to say that outside.

That remark is going
in my report.

You needn't be like that.

Is that report
for the ambassador?

He promised me a spray...

Bonilla? In the CIA?

Fine, thank you very much.

After the silent statement
against prison torture...

He's the torturer!

...let us pay homage to a man
who devoted his life...

...to gathering
the grapes of freedom.

Long live Father Rebollo,
comrade and martyr!

Next in our program
of events...

...Pilar will sing for us all.
For you too.

This event is by everyone,
for everyone.

Television!
At last. Television.

- Hello there!
- How's this going?

- Will we be on the news?
- We've got one minute.

What? They said they'd give it
special coverage.

- I do as I'm told.
- Hurry it up there.

- There's nobody important here.
- But this is humanitarian.

If you'd brought
some really big star...

See? You should have
let me organize a marathon.

Fucking marathons.

- What is it?
- We can't allow this aggression.

What's bugging you?

You're over the decibel limit.

That demolishes
the acoustic ecosystem.

I'm going to report it.

You go back to your stall
and I'll demolish the 20�/�.

- Really?
- Yes, now lay off.

- Quintanilla.
- What?

The chief says he can't
do the ritual dance here.

Here no trees. Here no forest.
Nothing. It hell.

Only dead dance here.
Better I go with Sting.

- Who is this cannibal?
- He's from the Amazon.

Listen, Amazon, you dance
and no bust my balls. Jao?

- No jao. Bamba.
- Just fucking dance.

Listen to me a minute.

Can't we extend
the link-up a bit?

No, we've only got one minute.
I'm sorry.

The anthemn.
Matilde, the manifesto!

Mr. Bermejo's firm
deals with primary needs.

I think it would be
a good investment.

- What needs?
- Toilets, bathrooms...

- Are you an expert?
- So they say.

The toilet here doesn't work.
And I can hear voices.

Yes, I think
I know that problem.

- I'll have a look.
- Lf you would.

I could have a good shit
before I go.

Mu�agorri, couldn't you find
a more moving hostage?

A pregnant woman,
an old lady, a child...

He was the best
I could find in this place.

- How much did you pay?
- Eighty.

- Eighty. Very expensive.
- It's the market price.

I must go now.

I have to stay close
to the minister.

My friend, it's time.
Good luck.

Good-bye.
Thanks for everything.

That's it. It was the wire
in the cistern.

- Where's Mu�agorri?
- He's gone.

I want to give you
something fantastic.

- Really?
- Ever tried caviar?

Thank you very much.

- With spoon and all.
- Thank you.

Even though you're in jail,
I don't care.

I think
you're an honest businessman.

Thank you. Do you like
gregorian chants?

- I go to mass every Sunday.
- That's good!

But with whom
do I have to speak...

...to finalize the sale?

Someone from my family
will get in touch with you.

So you still think it's wise
to invest in Spain?

Well, invest as such, no.

But I'm a great gambler.

Well, if you can pay me
the money in Panama...

...fantastic.

- Because I want to leave.
- Panama? You're a tax dodger!

- And who isn't?
- Just a moment.

Hello! Yes, it's me.
Good afternoon.

Will you prepare that for me?

Yes, "risotto a la milanesa"
and "tagliatelli bolognesa".

Yes, really hot.
Ciao, ciao.

Lots of love, mamma.

- The family?
- No, my lawyer.

Gentlemen,
the moment has come.

Don Vicente, I'm all ready.
Who's that?

That is the love
of my life, Tornicelli.

She's coming with me.

By the way, from the toilet,
I heard your wife calling you.

This is no time to answer.

- Lf I may?
- Please do.

- Are you transferring him?
- In a way.

Well then...

...it's been a pleasure.

- See you again.
- See you again.

What is this?

- Your gun...
- Don't shoot!

Now we've sung the anthem,
we'll read the manifesto.

We are here to call on
the collective conscience...

...so that for once
and for all...

...hatred may cease...

...between brothers.

Stop it. Cut, cut.

What do you mean?
This is live.

- Live?
- Of course.

Listen to this, brothers!

This message is for you too.

Fuck you and your message!
This is a riot!

It's a riot! Terrific!

Forget about him. He's a drag.
Get over here, dammit.

Incredible! Did those witches
eat all the salami?

I'll say they did.

- It was really good!
- We ate it all.

Modesto!
They ate all the salami.

And there we were,
up on the roof...

...pissed drunk
and baring our asses.

I'll eat you
like a chocolate bar.

- Take it easy. I'm real sweet.
- But I'm not a diabetic.

Modesto is my name,
and fucking is my game.

Cool it, I'm a virgin.

- Listen, are you really nuns?
- Since birth.

From my box up here...

...I see the bullfights,
cultural events...

...folk music...

Jail is a great promoter
of culture...

...arts and crafts.

Hey, boys!

Keep an eye on the helicopter.
No one's to smoke near it.

We'll be at the party.

Thanks.

- Warden, asshole!
- Silence! Silence!

There's a car
waiting at the door.

You'll leave here
like a real gentleman.

I don't want to get
mixed up in this.

Let me go!

Don't be such a nuisance!

- You want the money?
- Yes.

- Collaborate.
- Any news?

- All's fine.
- No, it isn't!

Leave me alone,
I'm on strike.

- Faggot! Whereareyou?
- Your wife.

I'm going to kill
you and Vanessa!

Calm down, calm down,
my angel.

Forget about that witch.

Come on, everything's fine.
This way.

Warden! Warden!

- The riot police are here.
- Who the hell called them?

- Your wife!
- That harpy! Come on.

Put that out!

I called the riot cops!

Follow me, come on.

Give me the key,
and you keep the fairy.

The fuck with that!

- Stay where you are!
- Who, me?

Don't shoot.
There are hostages.

I've done nothing.

I'm a trade unionist!

This is because
you read the manifesto.

Go to hell!

The money's in the safe?

- I'll get it and we'll split.
- I told you. Marathons!

What's happening,
Quintanilla?

We're overwhelmed.

Christ, it's Tornicelli.
He's escaping. Stop him!

They took my gun, minister.

Idiot! You're going
back on the beat!

Not the beat!

Protect me, Vanessa!

Not me! Not me!
Paulino, shield me!

Treat me with respect.
My father's a colonel!

We're running
from the riot cops again!

No, don't give me that.
I think this mess is a trap.

- Whatmess?
- What mess!

If you saw it! The prisoners
are rioting in the yard.

Fires,
riot police everywhere.

Fuck! They're shooting.
Do you hear them?

I was running across the yard,
and guess who I saw?

That guy Tornicelli.

Was he going towards
a helicopter?

How would I know? He was with
the prison warden and a blonde.

- I'm getting out.
- Andtheexpenses?

We'll talk about those later.

- Get some extra funds ready.
- Why?

Emergencies!
Father Rebollo's funeral...

...the hot-pot, the paella,
the prawns, the sweets...

Yes, we'll talk later.

Fuck the accounts.
I'm taking this and going...

Fuck, it's open!

What's going on?
The money?

Jaramillo!

Jaramillo!
I'm going to kill you!

Quintanilla,
"Peace and Freedom".

Come on, it looks like
we've shook them off.

Mu�agorri, close the door.

Here's the helicopter.
We'll get away in that.

Where the hell's the pilot?

Mu�agorri, what did you do
with him?

You said to take care of him,
so I put him in a cell.

- Well, go and find him.
- What, now? I might get shot.

Tornicelli, we've no pilot!
What are we going to do?

Birdy! What the hell
are you doing?

Looking after the helicopter.

It doesn't matter.
I can fly a helicopter.

Everybody get in.

No, wait. I get sick
in those things.

Mr. Tornicelli, you're a guest
of our Government.

You can't just leave.

Let me see.
Fuck it! This doesn't work.

- I can't start it.
- Wire the engine.

Can you do that?

- No, pet, I'm purely show biz.
- I can!

Nobody knows anything!

- What's all the fuss?
- Well, I'm being kidnapped.

Is that like the Fokkers?

They've arrived!

I'm the minister!
I'm in charge.

- Fuck it! Paulino, negotiate.
- No way. I prefer the beat.

- Give the guards a bashing!
- It's not the guards, it's us.

- What about the helicopter?
- It was in the other yard.

What the hell
is going on here, Rogelio?

They've got us cornered,
we can't get out of here.

We have you surrounded.

Come out with your hands
in the air.

You won't screw me
like the last time!

I'll burn all this first!

That's it,
the Numantian spirit!

That's out of date!

- You've fucked up the plan!
- We've fucked up?

But didn't you lot
organize the riot?

- No, the riot's yours.
- It's ours?

Warden! Come here!

What the fuck is going on
with this riot?

I kept telling you, Mu�agorri.

The prisoners
are unpredictable.

Ternera! What the hell
is going on here?

Who's rioting against who?

All I know is that
we didn't get any paella.

And we didn't get
the prawn heads...

...that Mr. Quintanilla
promised us either!

You heard him, Mu�agorri.

The prawn heads screwed up
the plan for us.

Is it possible
that in this country...

...nobody is able
to organize anything?

The three of you are useless.
Give me the phone.

Long distance?

Long distance!

- You can't rely on amateurs.
- Can I call my wife?

Wait, Mr. Tornicelli.

As minister,
I'm your only hope.

- Let me call.
- Go fuck yourself.

As a minister,
I demand some respect!

- Up your ass.
- That's it. Up your ass!

Take it easy!
Paulino, negotiate!

Stop it! Leave me alone!
Not my ass! Not my ass!

All right, we'll try it.

- The kitchen's under control.
- Like fuck it is!

They're asking for risotto
and a tape of gregorian music.

And something about
an under-secretary.

- Let's gas them.
- The minister too?

Luis Quintanilla.
If I can lend a hand...

Please, get out of here.
That's all we need.

This is useless.

Listen, I'm the warden's wife.

Tell him that he's a bastard
and a faggot.

And that if I catch Vanessa,
I'll kill her.

- Very well, but keep inside.
- You tell him.

That's all we need!

I'm fed up besieging prisons.

I was going
to a bullfight today.

A call for you.

- Internal?
- No, external.

Who is it?

The president?

The palace?

Christ!

About time
the bread was baked!

Cops, I'll swap you
a cake for a rocket.

- Munagorri! A croquette?
- Thank you, warden.

My dear Tornicelli...

...I think this risotto
has a flavor of bromide.

But it's "al dente".

- Tornicelli, a croquette?
- Yes! Thank you.

Excellent.

Vanessa made them.
She's a treasure.

Listen,
let me get one of them.

Warden, what about
the flamenco tapes?

All in good time.

We're finally eating well.

It's Cachadent.
I've come to negotiate.

The inspector!

May I?

The moment has come!

Yes, but we're eating.

There's no more time.

We want out too.
Here, our passports.

So you're the Temerarious
Barefoot Nuns.

Monsignor Lelli
spoke to me.

A car will take you
to the nunciature.

Meanwhile,
nobody touch them!

Well, my friends. The time
has come to say good-bye.

- Where are we going?
- To Rome.

- Italy?
- Of course.

You'll wire the money
to my mother?

Remember to give
that message to my girl.

Mr. Tornicelli...

...as your security services
clearly don't work...

...I'm willing to oversee
your personal security.

- Good idea.
- I'll send my C.V.

Yes, send it to Milan,
Rome or Perugia.

That's it. Now I'll take you
to the airport in my car.

Mr. Artemio, good-bye
and thank you.

What about
buying my business?

Don't worry. We'll talk.

- This is yours.
- Your case?

I'll take that.

- We'll talk.
- Yes, but when will we talk?

- Tomorrow, soon...
- All right.

I'm glad it's all over.

May I phone?
My wife will be worried.

A pleasure. Artemio Bermejo,
Bermejo Sanitation.

Not again?

Fuck the lot of them!

I knew it.
There'll be no talking.

You'll be sorry.
Come out, Vicente!

- What do you want?
- My husband.

- He's my Vicente.
- Shut up, fairy!

- You shut up, you old fool.
- Whore! I'll get you!

Fire!

Bitch!

And so the blankets,
those blankets, thirty years.

The polygamous rich,
two months...

- Grandma...
- Ludo, your hands!

- It's worse. He talks.
- What a nuisance!

And he mustn't forget to take
these pills morning and night.

- There he is now.
- I'm coming.

Artemio, you look great!

Been in the sun room?

Hello.

I suppose you're happy now.
I'm a prisoner's wife again.

- I can't take all this.
- Now, calm down.

What can I do?

Don't worry.
It's a matter of weeks.

Mr. Cerrillo says you'd
stand trial in a few months.

Tell that lawyer to leave
me alone. He's a bastard!

I've left you a basket...

...with some shorts,
a few tins and medicine.

Getting involved
in a conspiracy!

- I got tricked into it.
- Yeah, sure.

As usual. Idiot!

The accusation by the Treasury
may be stayed.

Don't worry.
I'll see to it all.

No, don't see to anything.

You know what?

You can all go to hell!

The business, the family
and the whole country!

And the briefcase.

You can all get lost!

Is that how you thank me
for all I've done?

Don't worry, it's a typical
claustrophobic depression.

Quintanilla Promotions
remind you...

...that during the benefit
gala this afternoon...

...we'll be raffling
a mountain bike.

Cheer up! When you get used
to jail, it's really great.

Will you join us in a game?

Sure.

I've to go back
to the home...

...just when they get
a good cook here.

A Bocuse.

That's why I joined the riot.

So let's enjoy it
for a few days.

- Or a few years.
- Whatever.

- Three cushions?
- Whatever you prefer.

- I'm on today.
- May I use your box?

Sure. Here's a ticket.

And a card from Birdy,
from Brazil.

- Swimming at Copacabana?
- No, he's in jail.

My wife was buried
in the garden?

Faggot! Informer!

What's up with him?

His accomplice confessed
about his wife's death.

They could help me
kill my wife...

...my brother-in-law
and the Bosnian.