Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:26,125 --> 00:00:27,333
Barber:
How you living?
2
00:00:27,333 --> 00:00:28,417
The Guy: I'm good, man.
Good.
3
00:00:28,417 --> 00:00:30,667
So what I can do
for you today?
4
00:00:30,667 --> 00:00:32,750
I'm thinking just
a little off the top.
5
00:00:32,750 --> 00:00:34,750
Nothing-- nothing too drastic.
6
00:00:34,750 --> 00:00:36,750
I see this man
on subway today
7
00:00:36,750 --> 00:00:37,834
who look like you.
8
00:00:37,834 --> 00:00:39,417
Oh, okay.
Yeah, and I think,
9
00:00:39,417 --> 00:00:42,583
I want to try haircut
like his for you.
10
00:00:42,583 --> 00:00:45,625
Okay.
But his hair was much thicker.
11
00:00:48,166 --> 00:00:49,792
Well, you know,
mine's going,
12
00:00:49,792 --> 00:00:51,708
and I'm okay with it.
Yeah, no kidding it's going.
13
00:00:51,708 --> 00:00:54,291
I can't do anything
with this hair anymore.
14
00:00:54,291 --> 00:00:55,708
This is not enough.
15
00:00:55,708 --> 00:00:57,959
There's-- there's
a good amount of hair.
16
00:00:57,959 --> 00:00:59,208
There's good amount,
but listen,
17
00:00:59,208 --> 00:01:01,458
I am a barber,
not a magician.
18
00:01:01,458 --> 00:01:04,458
But I will
do what I can.
Okay.
19
00:01:04,458 --> 00:01:06,500
(phone chirping)
20
00:01:07,667 --> 00:01:08,917
Hey, Johnny.
What's up, man?
21
00:01:08,917 --> 00:01:11,250
What's up, my man?
I need some weed, brother.
Uh...
22
00:01:11,250 --> 00:01:13,417
ASAP.
Look-- Hold on.
Excuse me.
23
00:01:13,417 --> 00:01:14,458
Absolutely.
24
00:01:14,458 --> 00:01:15,959
Um...
Take your time.
25
00:01:15,959 --> 00:01:18,458
It's gonna be probably
like two hours.
Fuck, man.
26
00:01:18,458 --> 00:01:20,125
Okay, well, just so you know,
I'm hurtin'.
27
00:01:20,125 --> 00:01:22,583
So with the quickness, please.
Yeah, I'll see
what I can do, man.
28
00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:23,750
All right. You do that.
29
00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:26,125
You want to come back
in two hours?
30
00:01:26,125 --> 00:01:28,333
No, I-- I just gotta
get back to work,
31
00:01:28,333 --> 00:01:29,834
but, uh--
Okay, good. That's--
32
00:01:29,834 --> 00:01:31,125
Just do the top.
33
00:01:31,125 --> 00:01:32,542
Just the top? Okay.
34
00:01:32,542 --> 00:01:34,208
This is even simple.
35
00:01:34,208 --> 00:01:35,500
Just the top.
36
00:01:35,500 --> 00:01:38,208
This is like you go
to your mechanic in car
37
00:01:38,208 --> 00:01:39,708
and you say,
"Only fix the bumper.
38
00:01:39,708 --> 00:01:40,875
Don't fix the engine."
39
00:01:40,875 --> 00:01:42,750
It makes no sense,
but I will do it.
40
00:01:42,750 --> 00:01:44,125
Spasiba.
41
00:01:44,125 --> 00:01:45,500
Pajalusta.
42
00:01:46,375 --> 00:01:47,834
♪ ♪
43
00:02:25,333 --> 00:02:28,166
Johnny:
Why are you embarrassed?
You look fucking hot!
44
00:02:28,166 --> 00:02:30,208
Lisa:
Why are you talking like this?
45
00:02:30,208 --> 00:02:31,875
You sound like you're out
of your fucking mind!
46
00:02:31,875 --> 00:02:33,542
You sound like you're out
of your fucking mind
47
00:02:33,542 --> 00:02:35,208
'cause why would you
invest all this time
48
00:02:35,208 --> 00:02:37,041
and money
into belly dancing classes
49
00:02:37,041 --> 00:02:40,083
and then not want to
dance for anyone?
Because I'm not dancing for you
50
00:02:40,083 --> 00:02:42,291
and your stupid little friends,
you fucking idiots!
51
00:02:42,291 --> 00:02:44,083
Hey, well, excuse me!
52
00:02:44,083 --> 00:02:46,375
I guess I can't fucking do
anything right, can I?
No, you can't do anything right!
53
00:02:46,375 --> 00:02:48,625
I'm just the worst
boyfriend ever.
I mean, like seriously?
54
00:02:48,625 --> 00:02:50,166
In the universe.
Do you hear yourself?
55
00:02:50,166 --> 00:02:52,166
You're trying to act like some
bad-ass, "Fast and the Furious"
56
00:02:52,166 --> 00:02:54,834
whatever Vin Diesel type
shit this is, and, you know,
Hey, hey, hey, all right,
57
00:02:54,834 --> 00:02:57,250
let's just cool out, babe.
I can't even stand
this shit anymore.
58
00:02:57,250 --> 00:02:58,500
Cool out?
Yeah.
59
00:02:58,500 --> 00:03:00,291
You're fucking crazy!
Don't hit my flat!
60
00:03:00,291 --> 00:03:03,041
I will do
whatever the fuck
I want in your flat!
61
00:03:03,041 --> 00:03:05,417
Listen, let's just talk.
Cool out. I can't
fucking cool out.
62
00:03:05,417 --> 00:03:06,583
You cool out!
63
00:03:06,583 --> 00:03:08,083
Who?
Just like last night
like when you were,
64
00:03:08,083 --> 00:03:10,208
you were doing
with that fucking
dude in the club.
65
00:03:10,208 --> 00:03:12,375
I mean, seriously!
You mean when
I was protecting you
66
00:03:12,375 --> 00:03:14,834
from that asshole thug?
Protecting me?
You call that protecting me?
67
00:03:14,834 --> 00:03:17,000
Yes. That's one of my love
languages, protection.
68
00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:18,583
He was trying to
get to the bathroom
69
00:03:18,583 --> 00:03:20,458
and it was crowded! My God!
Oh, oh.
70
00:03:20,458 --> 00:03:21,750
You think I don't know
that trick?
71
00:03:21,750 --> 00:03:23,333
You think I don't know
that trick?
Oh, a trick?
72
00:03:23,333 --> 00:03:25,875
I'm trying to keep you safe.
You know what? You're insane.
73
00:03:25,875 --> 00:03:27,792
You're fucking insane.
Stop calling me crazy!
74
00:03:27,792 --> 00:03:29,125
I didn't call you crazy!
75
00:03:29,125 --> 00:03:30,291
I called you insane!
76
00:03:30,291 --> 00:03:31,959
And I'm done! Fuck you,
77
00:03:31,959 --> 00:03:34,250
and fuck you!
What? Hey! Hey!
78
00:03:34,250 --> 00:03:37,291
What the fuck
did Chauncey do? Nothing.
79
00:03:37,291 --> 00:03:39,000
You need to apologize.
Whatever.
80
00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:40,875
Look, please,
Lisa, don't leave.
Whatever. Fuck off.
81
00:03:40,875 --> 00:03:42,250
No. I'm leaving.
Goddammit, Lisa.
82
00:03:42,250 --> 00:03:44,542
If you leave you out that door,
you ain't coming back.
83
00:03:44,542 --> 00:03:46,000
Watch.
Lisa, don't leave!
84
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:48,333
Goddammit!
85
00:03:48,333 --> 00:03:50,458
What the fuck you doing
out there, brother? Come in.
86
00:03:50,458 --> 00:03:53,000
I was just giving you
a minute, man.
87
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:54,417
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
88
00:03:54,417 --> 00:03:55,625
She needs a minute.
89
00:03:55,625 --> 00:03:56,792
Lisa:
You need a minute!
90
00:03:56,792 --> 00:03:59,959
Fucking crazy woman!
You're fucking crazy!
91
00:03:59,959 --> 00:04:01,500
Man.
92
00:04:02,458 --> 00:04:03,625
She's gorgeous though, right?
93
00:04:03,625 --> 00:04:05,291
Oh, yeah.
I mean, you saw her.
94
00:04:05,291 --> 00:04:07,041
Don't get any ideas.
95
00:04:07,041 --> 00:04:09,250
Okay?
I--
96
00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:10,458
No, no--
Kidding.
97
00:04:10,458 --> 00:04:12,333
Oh.
She wouldn't go for you.
98
00:04:13,458 --> 00:04:14,750
You're not her type.
99
00:04:14,750 --> 00:04:18,208
She likes a more clean,
put together... presentation.
100
00:04:18,208 --> 00:04:19,959
You know.
101
00:04:19,959 --> 00:04:21,083
Yeah.
102
00:04:21,083 --> 00:04:22,542
Uh...
103
00:04:22,542 --> 00:04:24,375
sorry to hear you guys
are having troubles, man.
104
00:04:24,375 --> 00:04:28,083
Yeah.
This is a, uh, sativa, indica.
105
00:04:28,083 --> 00:04:29,375
Those are a hundred--
106
00:04:29,375 --> 00:04:31,375
She said some pretty cold
shit to me just now.
Oh. Yeah.
107
00:04:31,375 --> 00:04:32,667
Telling me that I'm selfish.
108
00:04:32,667 --> 00:04:35,500
But do you know
how much shit that
I do for her?
109
00:04:35,500 --> 00:04:36,834
No.
(scoffs)
110
00:04:36,834 --> 00:04:39,333
She doesn't even realize
how much shit that I sacrifice
111
00:04:39,333 --> 00:04:40,959
to keep this relationship going.
112
00:04:40,959 --> 00:04:42,792
I mean, 'cause believe me,
113
00:04:42,792 --> 00:04:44,500
I got ample
opportunity for pussy
114
00:04:44,500 --> 00:04:46,667
every time I hit that door.
Ain't that right Chauncey?
115
00:04:46,667 --> 00:04:48,333
Mm.
Chauncey know.
116
00:04:48,333 --> 00:04:51,166
Me too.
(bong burbling)
117
00:04:51,166 --> 00:04:53,500
(holding breath)
That's what I'm saying, man.
118
00:04:57,542 --> 00:04:59,208
Oh, I can't, man.
I gotta--
119
00:04:59,208 --> 00:05:00,542
What, you don't want
to smoke with us?
No,
120
00:05:00,542 --> 00:05:02,750
I just have other clients
I gotta get to, so, uh--
121
00:05:02,750 --> 00:05:05,542
You want me to just leave
the money on the counter
like you're a hooker?
122
00:05:05,542 --> 00:05:08,375
No, I-- I--
Ohh.
123
00:05:08,375 --> 00:05:09,542
I know.
124
00:05:09,542 --> 00:05:10,875
I know.
125
00:05:10,875 --> 00:05:12,625
You think I'm some kind
of loser, right?
126
00:05:12,625 --> 00:05:15,083
No, I--
Like I don't know how
to keep a woman satisfied.
127
00:05:15,083 --> 00:05:18,583
I didn't say that.
Right. What kind of guy am I?
I get it. I get it. I get it!
128
00:05:18,583 --> 00:05:19,875
(continues punching)
129
00:05:19,875 --> 00:05:22,750
Hey, hey, I--
I can have a hit.
130
00:05:23,792 --> 00:05:25,000
I'll take a hit.
131
00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:26,542
(lighter flicks)
(bong burbles)
132
00:05:26,542 --> 00:05:27,875
Nice, brother.
133
00:05:27,875 --> 00:05:30,208
Still pulling?
We got more.
134
00:05:30,208 --> 00:05:31,875
You got more.
(coughs)
135
00:05:31,875 --> 00:05:35,625
In Denmark,
they tax the prostitutes
is all I'm saying.
136
00:05:35,625 --> 00:05:37,792
Uruguay, it's all legal.
137
00:05:37,792 --> 00:05:39,667
Sss! Drugs and prostitutes.
138
00:05:39,667 --> 00:05:41,166
Yeah, yeah.
Sss!
139
00:05:41,166 --> 00:05:42,875
It's part of the culture there.
140
00:05:42,875 --> 00:05:46,041
Cool, man. You know a lot
about... prostitutes.
141
00:05:46,041 --> 00:05:49,542
It's really impressive.
Hey, what do you think
of my arms?
142
00:05:51,583 --> 00:05:53,083
What about you?
143
00:05:54,125 --> 00:05:55,417
Think my arms are jacked?
144
00:05:55,417 --> 00:05:57,625
Yeah, man.
They're jacked.
145
00:05:57,625 --> 00:06:00,000
Yeah. I think so, too.
146
00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:01,125
Cool arms.
147
00:06:01,125 --> 00:06:03,041
So listen, you got
the Dank Sinatra,
148
00:06:03,041 --> 00:06:04,834
and then you got
a quarter of O.G. Kush,
149
00:06:04,834 --> 00:06:07,917
so that's--
that's $200, man.
Hey, uh...
150
00:06:07,917 --> 00:06:09,917
would you, uh,
ever want to start
151
00:06:09,917 --> 00:06:11,917
one of those
customer loyalty programs
152
00:06:11,917 --> 00:06:15,208
like buy one, get one free,
you know, for people like me?
153
00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:16,750
Uh...
154
00:06:16,750 --> 00:06:18,875
I can't do that
'cause I don't--
155
00:06:18,875 --> 00:06:21,083
My business isn't going
well enough
156
00:06:21,083 --> 00:06:22,583
to give away free product.
Really?
157
00:06:22,583 --> 00:06:23,542
Yeah. Yeah.
158
00:06:23,542 --> 00:06:25,875
Even after I invite you
into my home,
159
00:06:25,875 --> 00:06:28,166
give you hospitality,
serve you my special mate?
160
00:06:28,166 --> 00:06:29,500
Mate.
Mate.
161
00:06:29,500 --> 00:06:31,083
No--
Doesn't that count
for anything?
162
00:06:31,083 --> 00:06:33,333
Oh, no, it really does.
I appreciate it, man,
163
00:06:33,333 --> 00:06:35,959
and like I said--
Well, what about, like,
a free joint or something?
164
00:06:35,959 --> 00:06:38,166
You know, I don't have
any pre-rolled, so I can't--
165
00:06:38,166 --> 00:06:39,625
Well, fuck,
I'll roll one.
166
00:06:39,625 --> 00:06:41,583
Chauncey, roll
a spliff, will ya?
167
00:06:45,291 --> 00:06:46,792
Whoa, what's the rush?
168
00:06:46,792 --> 00:06:49,291
Colin says you hang out
and smoke with him all the time.
169
00:06:49,291 --> 00:06:51,959
I know, but, you know,
when I have time, I do
170
00:06:51,959 --> 00:06:53,667
'cause, you know,
we've known each other a while,
171
00:06:53,667 --> 00:06:55,583
we're friends, and--
What, we're not friends?
172
00:06:55,583 --> 00:06:57,291
We're friends.
173
00:06:57,291 --> 00:06:58,708
I just...
174
00:06:58,708 --> 00:07:01,000
I've only met you twice, so...
175
00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:04,000
I didn't think to say
we were friends yet.
176
00:07:05,125 --> 00:07:07,000
I'm kidding.
Oh. Okay.
177
00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:08,834
I know, I'm a customer.
178
00:07:08,834 --> 00:07:09,959
Okay.
I get it.
179
00:07:09,959 --> 00:07:11,208
I get it too.
180
00:07:11,208 --> 00:07:13,417
But I'm in your top five
customer-wise though, right?
181
00:07:13,417 --> 00:07:15,834
Oh, yeah. You're--
you're my favorite customer.
182
00:07:15,834 --> 00:07:17,917
Look, Johnny,
I really gotta get going.
183
00:07:17,917 --> 00:07:19,333
I'm very busy right now, okay?
184
00:07:19,333 --> 00:07:22,125
Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah. No problem.
185
00:07:22,125 --> 00:07:23,208
Sss!
186
00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:27,750
Sss!
187
00:07:27,750 --> 00:07:30,166
You look cool
with that katana, brother.
188
00:07:30,166 --> 00:07:32,542
Thank you.
You should consider getting one.
189
00:07:32,542 --> 00:07:34,875
(rap music playing)
190
00:07:34,875 --> 00:07:36,917
♪ We getting them bitches
is all in our faces ♪
191
00:07:36,917 --> 00:07:38,667
♪ I know that they know ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
192
00:07:38,667 --> 00:07:40,333
(lighter flicking)
193
00:07:41,500 --> 00:07:42,875
(phone chimes)
194
00:07:46,041 --> 00:07:48,750
♪ Pour up the lean,
roll up the smoke ♪
195
00:07:52,500 --> 00:07:55,708
♪ Pour up the lean,
roll up the smoke ♪
196
00:07:57,917 --> 00:07:59,417
♪ Yeah ♪
197
00:08:01,208 --> 00:08:03,000
♪ Ayy ♪
198
00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:04,917
♪ We go ♪
199
00:08:08,208 --> 00:08:09,417
♪ Ayy ♪
200
00:08:11,917 --> 00:08:13,708
(footsteps ascending)
201
00:08:18,208 --> 00:08:20,125
So let's count these out.
202
00:08:20,125 --> 00:08:21,458
Oh, no, man.
203
00:08:21,458 --> 00:08:22,959
I-- No, no, no.
Stop, stop, stop.
204
00:08:22,959 --> 00:08:24,250
I need--
I need cash.
205
00:08:24,250 --> 00:08:26,291
I'm not carrying around,
like, a heavy can of change
206
00:08:26,291 --> 00:08:28,583
or anything like that.
Well, fuck, bro.
207
00:08:28,583 --> 00:08:30,125
I don't mean
to be disrespectful,
208
00:08:30,125 --> 00:08:32,250
but you could probably
afford to do some lifting.
209
00:08:32,250 --> 00:08:34,625
Um...
I'm surprised all that bike
riding doesn't' keep you--
210
00:08:34,625 --> 00:08:36,041
Hey careful!
Oh, God.
211
00:08:36,041 --> 00:08:38,083
This is an authentic
samurai sword
212
00:08:38,083 --> 00:08:40,083
forged at the base
of Mount Fuji.
213
00:08:41,667 --> 00:08:45,583
I... I really gotta get to--
You should do some
high intensity intervals
214
00:08:45,583 --> 00:08:47,041
if you want to lose that gut.
Mm-hmm.
215
00:08:47,041 --> 00:08:48,667
You could even do 'em
on that bike of yours.
216
00:08:48,667 --> 00:08:51,250
Yeah.
I highly recommend
one of these guys.
217
00:08:51,250 --> 00:08:53,542
Couple sets
of these every day...
218
00:08:53,542 --> 00:08:54,792
(grunts)
219
00:08:54,792 --> 00:08:57,917
those coins wouldn't be
so heavy for you, would they?
220
00:09:01,417 --> 00:09:02,542
(panting)
221
00:09:04,417 --> 00:09:06,291
(panting)
222
00:09:13,625 --> 00:09:14,959
Yeah, I guess you're right.
223
00:09:14,959 --> 00:09:16,708
So I'm...
224
00:09:16,708 --> 00:09:19,125
I need $200
in cash, man.
225
00:09:20,166 --> 00:09:22,125
Please?
Listen, bro,
226
00:09:22,125 --> 00:09:23,959
if you're business
isn't doing too well,
227
00:09:23,959 --> 00:09:25,458
I can lend you some cash
228
00:09:25,458 --> 00:09:27,083
at a low
interest rate of course.
229
00:09:27,083 --> 00:09:29,125
Yeah? Oh, thanks.
It's not that.
230
00:09:29,125 --> 00:09:31,792
It's just that I have
other people who are waiting
for me to come to them.
231
00:09:31,792 --> 00:09:34,458
Oh! How 'bout this?
232
00:09:34,458 --> 00:09:38,834
I could help you out
by coming on as a consultant.
233
00:09:38,834 --> 00:09:41,375
Like for-- for example,
234
00:09:41,375 --> 00:09:43,917
maybe if you hired
some employees,
235
00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:46,125
you could sell more weed!
236
00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:48,291
That one's free.
237
00:09:49,291 --> 00:09:51,000
That's a great idea.
238
00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:53,834
I'll think about it.
So, you know
I would ask for half.
239
00:09:53,834 --> 00:09:56,208
Of course. Of course.
(phone rings)
240
00:09:56,208 --> 00:09:58,667
Oh, hold on one second.
This is Lisa right here.
241
00:09:58,667 --> 00:09:59,959
Oh.
Hold on.
242
00:09:59,959 --> 00:10:02,667
Are you calling
'cause you're ready
to talk reasonably?
243
00:10:02,667 --> 00:10:03,917
Wait, what?
244
00:10:03,917 --> 00:10:06,625
(rap music playing)
245
00:10:08,708 --> 00:10:10,500
Johnny:
Who said that to you?
That's fucking bullshit.
246
00:10:10,500 --> 00:10:13,959
Hey, man.
I did not.
That's bullshit! I did not.
247
00:10:16,333 --> 00:10:18,333
If-- if she's the one
who told you that, then yes,
248
00:10:18,333 --> 00:10:20,667
your sister is a liar.
249
00:10:20,667 --> 00:10:21,917
Well, I would tell her
250
00:10:21,917 --> 00:10:24,000
if she wants to come over here
and say that to my face,
251
00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:27,208
and show me her said proof,
then maybe we can talk.
252
00:10:27,208 --> 00:10:30,041
But that is bullshit
because it didn't happen.
You guys roommates?
253
00:10:32,041 --> 00:10:33,375
Yeah!
254
00:10:34,542 --> 00:10:35,750
Uh-huh.
255
00:10:36,875 --> 00:10:38,875
What's up, baby?
Don't talk like that.
256
00:10:38,875 --> 00:10:40,542
Okay? Don't talk like that.
257
00:10:40,542 --> 00:10:43,500
Thank you.
On top of everything else,
I didn't do anything at all,
258
00:10:43,500 --> 00:10:45,542
so there's no "on top of"
and there's no this!
259
00:10:45,542 --> 00:10:46,750
I'm just gonna...
260
00:10:46,750 --> 00:10:50,875
I'm watching, I'm--
but you're not listening!
261
00:10:50,875 --> 00:10:53,875
I'm talking to my girlfriend.
Keep the change,
you filthy animal.
262
00:10:53,875 --> 00:10:55,708
Johnny:
I love you.
263
00:10:57,625 --> 00:10:58,750
Thank you.
264
00:11:02,792 --> 00:11:04,333
(footsteps ascending)
265
00:11:08,959 --> 00:11:10,834
Where the fuck did he go?
266
00:11:10,834 --> 00:11:12,959
(Cockney accent)
He left.
267
00:11:12,959 --> 00:11:14,208
(English accent)
Really?
268
00:11:15,583 --> 00:11:16,917
Just like that?
269
00:11:16,917 --> 00:11:20,417
Mm. I told him,
"Keep the change,
you filthy animal."
270
00:11:20,417 --> 00:11:22,875
"Home Alone."
Nice, mate. Good one.
271
00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:28,917
So what'd you think?
How was it?
272
00:11:28,917 --> 00:11:31,750
Your accent was a little wonky
in certain places,
273
00:11:31,750 --> 00:11:32,917
but I don't want
to get into that.
274
00:11:32,917 --> 00:11:34,708
I think you know
what I'm talking about.
275
00:11:34,708 --> 00:11:36,542
Yeah. Right.
Can't say "flat."
276
00:11:36,542 --> 00:11:38,417
It's just a dead giveaway.
277
00:11:38,417 --> 00:11:40,792
And I don't know
if they say "spliff" here.
278
00:11:40,792 --> 00:11:42,667
Doesn't even matter. Listen.
279
00:11:42,667 --> 00:11:44,750
The character is
coming along quite nicely.
280
00:11:44,750 --> 00:11:46,917
It's a great exercise.
Very helpful.
281
00:11:46,917 --> 00:11:48,041
Tell you what,
282
00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:49,583
they see this
next week in class,
283
00:11:49,583 --> 00:11:51,500
it's gonna knock
their tits off. Watch.
284
00:11:51,500 --> 00:11:54,125
(American accent)
Keep the change,
you filthy animal. Fucking A.
285
00:11:54,125 --> 00:11:55,500
(chuckles)
286
00:12:12,625 --> 00:12:14,083
This is falling
off my face. Great.
287
00:12:14,083 --> 00:12:16,667
Okay, quick photo.
Do the, um, square one.
Here's mine.
288
00:12:16,667 --> 00:12:18,417
I know how to use
an iPhone, babe.
Okay, cool.
289
00:12:18,417 --> 00:12:19,959
But, ladies, keep
your legs together
290
00:12:19,959 --> 00:12:22,250
because after
a long day at work,
I don't want to see that!
291
00:12:22,250 --> 00:12:24,333
(all laugh)
Hey, Tabs, I'm looking at you.
292
00:12:24,333 --> 00:12:26,333
I don't want to see that.
Lock that up.
Sorry.
293
00:12:26,333 --> 00:12:29,667
(overlapping chatter)
Who else wishes
Max was straight?
294
00:12:29,667 --> 00:12:32,500
Whoo!
Back off, bitch.
Get your own gay husband.
295
00:12:32,500 --> 00:12:34,500
Oh, wait, you're
marrying him next month.
296
00:12:34,500 --> 00:12:35,625
Okay, ladies,
everybody say,
297
00:12:35,625 --> 00:12:38,000
"I tell my boyfriend
he's normal-sized!"
298
00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:39,500
I do!
Max, just take
the fucking picture.
299
00:12:39,500 --> 00:12:41,375
Say, "Beyoncé!"
300
00:12:41,375 --> 00:12:44,875
All: Beyoncé!
(phone shutter clicks)
301
00:12:44,875 --> 00:12:45,834
Yas, kweens!
302
00:12:45,834 --> 00:12:49,000
Oh, my God,
you're killing it. Work!
303
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:50,750
Yas, kween.
304
00:12:50,750 --> 00:12:52,333
Work. Yas.
305
00:12:52,333 --> 00:12:55,125
It's like, we get it,
you have access to social media.
306
00:12:55,125 --> 00:12:57,583
Okay, what about the one
who said she used to
roofie herself?
307
00:12:57,583 --> 00:13:00,333
Yeah, we all did that,
but I know who you're
talking about: Courtney.
308
00:13:00,333 --> 00:13:03,125
She's crazy.
She was telling me
about all her abortions.
309
00:13:03,125 --> 00:13:06,834
Yeah, we used to
say Planned Parenthood
gave her a punch card.
310
00:13:06,834 --> 00:13:08,583
Okay, that sounds
like a Chelsea Handler joke.
311
00:13:08,583 --> 00:13:10,208
I will Google it.
312
00:13:10,208 --> 00:13:12,250
(party music playing)
313
00:13:12,250 --> 00:13:14,875
Max, can you fix my braids?
They're coming loose.
Yes, baby,
314
00:13:14,875 --> 00:13:16,667
but I need bobby pins
'cause y'all cleaned me out.
315
00:13:16,667 --> 00:13:21,125
Know what I'm saying?
Oh, I have
three words for y'all!
316
00:13:21,125 --> 00:13:23,875
New Orleans spring break! Oww!
317
00:13:23,875 --> 00:13:25,250
Go get us bobby pins.
Okay.
318
00:13:25,250 --> 00:13:26,625
Oh, also, we are out of vodka.
319
00:13:26,625 --> 00:13:28,166
Aren't you going out later?
Yeah.
320
00:13:28,166 --> 00:13:29,750
But we wanna do
vodka tampons.
321
00:13:29,750 --> 00:13:30,875
(retches)
322
00:13:30,875 --> 00:13:32,834
♪ Yeah, I'm a diva ♪
323
00:13:50,208 --> 00:13:52,875
♪ ♪
324
00:13:56,500 --> 00:13:59,917
♪ Open your eyes ♪
325
00:14:04,834 --> 00:14:07,834
♪ And every little kiss ♪
326
00:14:07,834 --> 00:14:12,458
♪ Oh, take me with you ♪
327
00:14:17,542 --> 00:14:20,750
♪ Take me back ♪
328
00:14:26,166 --> 00:14:30,875
♪ Oh, take me ♪
329
00:14:32,041 --> 00:14:34,083
(both grunting)
(furniture creaks)
330
00:14:35,417 --> 00:14:37,125
Oh, my God.
331
00:14:38,291 --> 00:14:39,500
Oh, Jesus.
332
00:14:39,500 --> 00:14:41,667
Come on.
Oh, my God.
333
00:14:41,667 --> 00:14:43,166
What is your rent like?
334
00:14:43,166 --> 00:14:46,417
You heard about
the whole debacle
with the swing snapping, right?
335
00:14:46,417 --> 00:14:48,708
That did not happen.
Oh, man, it was so bad.
336
00:14:48,708 --> 00:14:50,333
This poor,
337
00:14:50,333 --> 00:14:53,458
dear older woman went down.
338
00:14:53,458 --> 00:14:54,917
No, please.
339
00:14:54,917 --> 00:14:57,625
You could hear it echo
throughout the entire Armory.
Oh, my God.
340
00:14:57,625 --> 00:15:00,625
Luckily, nobody got hurt.
But, I mean, you could just
341
00:15:00,625 --> 00:15:03,959
imagine her poor, frail bones
just getting pulverized.
342
00:15:03,959 --> 00:15:05,917
If you watch
"The Artist is Present"
documentary,
343
00:15:05,917 --> 00:15:07,834
you can see me in the background
when that naked girl
344
00:15:07,834 --> 00:15:09,125
gets escorted out
by the guards.
345
00:15:09,125 --> 00:15:10,708
Uh-huh.
And I'm, like,
giving here a look.
346
00:15:10,708 --> 00:15:12,500
I'm like...
(chuckles)
347
00:15:12,500 --> 00:15:14,667
She's actually my friend.
That's Josephine.
348
00:15:14,667 --> 00:15:16,667
She's a genius filmmaker.
Oh, yeah?
349
00:15:16,667 --> 00:15:18,500
Yeah.
And what's your name,
by the way?
350
00:15:18,500 --> 00:15:20,583
(both chuckle)
I'm Max.
351
00:15:20,583 --> 00:15:21,959
Nice to meet you, Max.
352
00:15:21,959 --> 00:15:24,000
You might remember me
from when I was eating
out your asshole.
353
00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:26,166
You know, I thought you looked
familiar from somewhere.
Yeah.
354
00:15:26,166 --> 00:15:27,500
I'm Sebastian.
Oh, cool.
355
00:15:27,500 --> 00:15:28,500
(phone chimes)
Oh, sorry.
356
00:15:28,500 --> 00:15:30,000
Would you--
Sure. Yeah. Uh-huh.
357
00:15:33,125 --> 00:15:34,333
Sorry.
358
00:15:36,667 --> 00:15:38,333
Oh, shit. I gotta go, man.
359
00:15:38,333 --> 00:15:40,625
Um, it was a pleasure
to fuck you, Max.
360
00:15:40,625 --> 00:15:42,917
You haven't seen my jumpsuit
anywhere, have you?
361
00:15:42,917 --> 00:15:44,708
What? Are you going
somewhere fun? Can I come?
362
00:15:44,708 --> 00:15:47,417
Um, um, I actually
have to go to a meeting.
363
00:15:47,417 --> 00:15:48,750
I'm in recovery.
364
00:15:48,750 --> 00:15:49,834
(phone chimes)
365
00:15:51,625 --> 00:15:53,959
I'm actually
in recovery too.
I am, too.
366
00:15:53,959 --> 00:15:56,375
Yeah?
And I'm really overdue
for a meeting.
367
00:15:56,375 --> 00:15:58,583
Well, maybe we should
go together.
I'd love that.
368
00:15:58,583 --> 00:16:01,208
Hey, y'all.
I'm Darnell. Addict.
369
00:16:01,208 --> 00:16:02,583
All:
Hi, Darnell.
370
00:16:02,583 --> 00:16:04,000
Hey, everybody.
371
00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:06,125
Today, girl...
372
00:16:06,125 --> 00:16:08,959
if I make it through this day
without smoking tina,
373
00:16:08,959 --> 00:16:11,375
then it is literally
by the grace of God
374
00:16:11,375 --> 00:16:12,959
and it had nothing
to do with me.
375
00:16:12,959 --> 00:16:15,708
Everything's a trigger today.
Everything. Like a shoe.
376
00:16:15,708 --> 00:16:17,458
Like, oh, I remember
that time I saw that shoe.
377
00:16:17,458 --> 00:16:20,000
When I was smoking that tina
and then I was, like, blowing
378
00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:22,250
that guy behind the dumpster.
It was, like, literally
like that.
379
00:16:22,250 --> 00:16:25,250
So I'm at the, um, laundromat
and this song comes on.
380
00:16:25,250 --> 00:16:28,208
Within like the first
two notes of the song,
381
00:16:28,208 --> 00:16:29,875
I look down
and I'm like,
382
00:16:29,875 --> 00:16:32,959
"All right. Yeah, now is
the time to get a boner."
383
00:16:32,959 --> 00:16:35,667
This is when-- this is when
you really want one, right?
384
00:16:35,667 --> 00:16:37,208
At the laundromat!
385
00:16:37,208 --> 00:16:38,250
(laughter)
386
00:16:38,250 --> 00:16:40,125
When you're looking
at some lady named Wanda.
387
00:16:40,125 --> 00:16:43,250
Right? Me and Wanda.
I'm like, "Hey, Wanda."
388
00:16:43,250 --> 00:16:44,583
She's over there
just clueless.
389
00:16:44,583 --> 00:16:47,208
She's like, "Oh it's so good
to see you, Darnell!"
390
00:16:47,208 --> 00:16:50,041
I'm like, "Apparently not
as good as it is to see
you, honey."
391
00:16:50,041 --> 00:16:52,750
(all laughing)
392
00:16:52,750 --> 00:16:55,041
What I'm supposed to say is
addicts have two days.
393
00:16:55,041 --> 00:16:57,083
You have good days
and you have great days.
394
00:16:57,083 --> 00:17:00,125
A good day is when,
like, everything goes
395
00:17:00,125 --> 00:17:02,250
like, your way
and you don't use,
396
00:17:02,250 --> 00:17:04,291
and then a great day
is when literally
397
00:17:04,291 --> 00:17:07,417
nothing goes your way
and you still don't use.
398
00:17:07,417 --> 00:17:11,333
So, this is gonna be
a great fucking day, all right?
(laughs)
399
00:17:11,333 --> 00:17:13,917
Her boyfriend was just
stumbling around Brooklyn
400
00:17:13,917 --> 00:17:15,917
like a Polack on Christmas.
401
00:17:15,917 --> 00:17:17,250
Oh, my God.
Just remind me
402
00:17:17,250 --> 00:17:19,083
never to go out
with those people again.
403
00:17:19,083 --> 00:17:21,875
Okay, I will.
(groans)
404
00:17:21,875 --> 00:17:25,125
I need, like, the biggest,
narstiest breakfast sandwich
405
00:17:25,125 --> 00:17:26,959
to soak up
all this alcohol. (gasps)
406
00:17:26,959 --> 00:17:30,375
Ooh, there's biscuits
with sausage gravy.
407
00:17:30,375 --> 00:17:33,166
Oh, my God!
(all laughing)
408
00:17:33,166 --> 00:17:35,208
(mockingly)
Oh, my God,
I love you!
409
00:17:35,208 --> 00:17:37,625
Oh, hey, boo, um,
can you pay for this today?
410
00:17:37,625 --> 00:17:38,959
I left my card
at the bar last night.
411
00:17:38,959 --> 00:17:41,041
Yeah, boo, but I need you
to pay me back this time.
412
00:17:41,041 --> 00:17:42,959
Oh, hey, what'd you
get up to last night?
413
00:17:42,959 --> 00:17:45,792
I lost you after that
horse-faced girl fell down.
414
00:17:45,792 --> 00:17:47,333
I did my sex app.
415
00:17:47,333 --> 00:17:49,041
I told you to stop doing that.
I know.
416
00:17:49,041 --> 00:17:50,417
You're right, it's bad.
417
00:17:50,417 --> 00:17:51,875
Ugh.
Can I get you guys some drinks?
418
00:17:51,875 --> 00:17:54,875
Oh, yeah. I think we should
get some Bloody Marys.
419
00:17:54,875 --> 00:17:56,166
Oh, none for me. Thanks.
420
00:17:56,166 --> 00:17:57,667
'Cause I have reflux.
421
00:17:57,667 --> 00:18:00,375
But, um, can I just get,
like, the mix?
422
00:18:00,375 --> 00:18:03,291
So this thing on Friday
starts at 9:00,
423
00:18:03,291 --> 00:18:06,166
so I think we should,
you know, go out beforehand.
424
00:18:06,166 --> 00:18:07,667
Get some dranks,
425
00:18:07,667 --> 00:18:09,041
get there around 10:30.
426
00:18:09,041 --> 00:18:10,333
I'm gonna have to
meet you there
427
00:18:10,333 --> 00:18:11,959
because I am--
428
00:18:11,959 --> 00:18:13,583
I have to go
to my friend's play reading.
429
00:18:13,583 --> 00:18:15,166
Oh, God, that's awful.
430
00:18:15,166 --> 00:18:16,708
Not enough money
in the world.
431
00:18:16,708 --> 00:18:19,458
Truly. It's horrible.
Yeah, I'll see you
later after that.
432
00:18:19,458 --> 00:18:21,792
I can't-- Like...
I can't believe
I have to go to that.
433
00:18:21,792 --> 00:18:24,792
Hi, I'm Sebastian.
I'm an addict.
Group: Hi, Sebastian.
434
00:18:24,792 --> 00:18:27,792
My name is Marco
and I'm an addict.
435
00:18:27,792 --> 00:18:30,125
Hi, I'm Joel.
I'm an addict.
436
00:18:30,125 --> 00:18:33,166
She put all of these hopes on me
437
00:18:33,166 --> 00:18:35,834
and so what I did
to combat that
438
00:18:35,834 --> 00:18:39,500
was to be, a--
a fucked up whore.
439
00:18:39,500 --> 00:18:42,083
And, um...
440
00:18:42,083 --> 00:18:43,792
Lainey:
Oh, my God,
look at this family
441
00:18:43,792 --> 00:18:45,667
I saw on the way home
from work yesterday.
442
00:18:45,667 --> 00:18:46,875
Like, really, you guys?
443
00:18:46,875 --> 00:18:48,875
You're all in wheelchairs?
444
00:18:49,959 --> 00:18:52,500
You're a regular Vivian Maier.
445
00:18:52,500 --> 00:18:55,417
And then at one point,
he's like, very romantically,
446
00:18:55,417 --> 00:18:56,834
"Uh, I gotta take a shit."
447
00:18:56,834 --> 00:18:58,667
And I found myself going,
448
00:18:58,667 --> 00:19:00,291
"Why don't you just go
in the bed?"
449
00:19:00,291 --> 00:19:01,875
(all laugh)
450
00:19:01,875 --> 00:19:04,250
Ugh, I'm so hungry!
451
00:19:04,250 --> 00:19:07,041
Food! I want food!
452
00:19:07,041 --> 00:19:09,291
My name is Panda
and I wanna eat!
453
00:19:09,291 --> 00:19:11,500
Maxie! Hi!
454
00:19:11,500 --> 00:19:13,208
Oh, my God, Panda.
Feed me!
455
00:19:13,208 --> 00:19:14,542
Feed me, feed me!
456
00:19:14,542 --> 00:19:15,583
Panda, no.
457
00:19:15,583 --> 00:19:17,333
Whoa, whoa, whoa...
(chattering)
458
00:19:17,333 --> 00:19:20,333
We got it!
No, no, no, no.
Don't worry about it.
459
00:19:20,333 --> 00:19:22,000
Just that when
I post something,
460
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:23,625
I really need
you to favorite it
461
00:19:23,625 --> 00:19:26,208
because otherwise,
I just get all in my head!
462
00:19:26,208 --> 00:19:28,166
Oh, boo, I'm so sorry.
463
00:19:28,166 --> 00:19:30,291
Sometimes I just get lazy
about that stuff.
464
00:19:30,291 --> 00:19:32,708
I-- I have to go
to the boys room.
465
00:19:32,708 --> 00:19:33,875
Do you have the coke?
466
00:19:35,375 --> 00:19:37,291
(toilet flushes)
I just want to say
467
00:19:37,291 --> 00:19:40,417
that if you're new,
um, we're so happy
to have you here
468
00:19:40,417 --> 00:19:44,834
because, um, you are
the lifeblood of this program.
469
00:19:44,834 --> 00:19:48,083
And, um, I'm so grateful
470
00:19:48,083 --> 00:19:51,083
that I'm sober
because if I wasn't sober,
471
00:19:51,083 --> 00:19:56,417
I would probably be, um...
(phone vibrating)
472
00:19:56,417 --> 00:19:58,000
(vibrating continues)
473
00:19:58,000 --> 00:19:59,792
Is someone's phone going off?
474
00:19:59,792 --> 00:20:02,083
I'm sorry, we--
Turn your phone off.
475
00:20:02,083 --> 00:20:03,917
Like, we don't have phones on.
476
00:20:03,917 --> 00:20:05,333
Totally lost
my train of thought.
477
00:20:05,333 --> 00:20:06,750
I think I'm just
gonna wrap there.
478
00:20:06,750 --> 00:20:08,083
Thanks for letting me share.
479
00:20:08,083 --> 00:20:10,375
Group:
Thanks, Jason.
480
00:20:10,375 --> 00:20:12,000
Did you talk to Max
about that job?
481
00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:13,792
No. God, thank you.
482
00:20:13,792 --> 00:20:15,458
Keep forgetting
to mention it.
483
00:20:15,458 --> 00:20:17,458
Listen, um, my friend Scott
484
00:20:17,458 --> 00:20:21,375
is a publicist
and he is hiring right now,
485
00:20:21,375 --> 00:20:22,792
and he has
amazing clients
486
00:20:22,792 --> 00:20:25,125
like the Met Ball
and shit like that.
487
00:20:25,125 --> 00:20:26,125
What?
488
00:20:26,125 --> 00:20:28,542
So, it would be
an entry-level thing,
489
00:20:28,542 --> 00:20:30,625
but I don't know,
would that ever interest you?
490
00:20:30,625 --> 00:20:31,792
Yes. I--
Yeah?
491
00:20:31,792 --> 00:20:34,625
I'm wasting away
in retail hell right now.
Perfect.
492
00:20:34,625 --> 00:20:37,291
Uh, I invited him to come
to dinner later after group,
493
00:20:37,291 --> 00:20:39,041
so I'll make it happen.
494
00:20:39,041 --> 00:20:40,500
Totally.
495
00:20:40,500 --> 00:20:42,625
I'm making White Russians.
496
00:20:42,625 --> 00:20:44,500
I don't want any. Thank you.
497
00:20:44,500 --> 00:20:47,291
Are you being good
and not doing carbs?
498
00:20:47,291 --> 00:20:49,625
Fucking hate you right now.
499
00:20:50,625 --> 00:20:55,000
Well, I am super bloated
and cramping.
500
00:20:56,166 --> 00:20:59,000
So, I don't give
a fuck about anything.
501
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:01,125
Hey, will you braid
my hair tonight?
502
00:21:02,500 --> 00:21:04,125
I was actually
just about to leave.
503
00:21:04,125 --> 00:21:05,375
What? No!
I know.
504
00:21:05,375 --> 00:21:06,917
I'm sorry.
I just spent all week
505
00:21:06,917 --> 00:21:08,500
DVRing "Real Housewives."
506
00:21:08,500 --> 00:21:10,542
(chuckles)
Don't you just want to put on
elastic waist pants
507
00:21:10,542 --> 00:21:12,583
and be a fat garbage monster
on the couch with me?
Yes.
508
00:21:12,583 --> 00:21:16,041
So badly, but I told him
I'd go to this stupid
play reading thing.
509
00:21:16,041 --> 00:21:18,625
Another reading?
Who's this friend?
510
00:21:18,625 --> 00:21:20,041
This is fucking excessive.
511
00:21:20,041 --> 00:21:21,625
It's horrible.
Imagine how I feel.
512
00:21:21,625 --> 00:21:24,458
But I'll be done by midnight
and I can text you
when I'm on my way
513
00:21:24,458 --> 00:21:27,500
and you can let me know
what you want me to
bring you home.
514
00:21:27,500 --> 00:21:28,792
Okay.
515
00:21:29,667 --> 00:21:31,166
Have fun!
Okay!
516
00:21:32,625 --> 00:21:34,041
I love you!
517
00:21:34,041 --> 00:21:35,250
(door closes)
518
00:21:39,583 --> 00:21:41,041
Uh... nope.
519
00:21:44,333 --> 00:21:47,542
Um...
520
00:21:47,542 --> 00:21:48,917
Shit.
521
00:22:10,583 --> 00:22:11,834
(grunts)
522
00:22:19,041 --> 00:22:20,417
Hey!
523
00:22:21,708 --> 00:22:23,417
What are you doing?
524
00:22:23,417 --> 00:22:25,166
Locking my bike.
525
00:22:25,166 --> 00:22:27,417
It's a memorial.
Yeah, I know,
526
00:22:27,417 --> 00:22:29,959
but there's
nowhere else to lock up.
I'll be five minutes.
527
00:22:29,959 --> 00:22:32,583
Still. It's disrespectful.
528
00:22:33,583 --> 00:22:35,708
Well, I think in this case,
529
00:22:35,708 --> 00:22:37,542
the deceased
might have understood.
530
00:22:39,083 --> 00:22:40,917
I'm gonna be five minutes.
531
00:22:56,166 --> 00:22:57,625
Max:
Oh, God. Hi.
532
00:22:57,625 --> 00:23:00,667
Okay, I have been
coming to this chapter
for a few weeks now.
533
00:23:00,667 --> 00:23:02,083
Oh, sorry.
My name is Max.
534
00:23:02,083 --> 00:23:05,125
Um, and I haven't shared
before today.
535
00:23:05,125 --> 00:23:06,625
Oh, sorry,
and I'm an addict.
536
00:23:06,625 --> 00:23:08,208
Group: Hi, Max.
(chuckles)
537
00:23:08,208 --> 00:23:09,458
I forgot.
538
00:23:09,458 --> 00:23:13,500
Um, but I've been feeling
really uplifted by you guys.
539
00:23:13,500 --> 00:23:16,625
I don't know.
And I just, uh...
540
00:23:16,625 --> 00:23:18,792
I had a profound realization
541
00:23:18,792 --> 00:23:20,625
thanks to you,
and it's...
542
00:23:20,625 --> 00:23:24,375
it seems kind of obvious
and dumb, but I...
543
00:23:24,375 --> 00:23:26,959
I don't know.
Being around you fine people,
544
00:23:26,959 --> 00:23:30,125
I just-- It's brought
a lot to light for me, so...
545
00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:33,208
Okay.
546
00:23:33,208 --> 00:23:38,208
Crystal came into my life
junior year, Florida State.
547
00:23:38,208 --> 00:23:41,834
And I don't feel
like I've had a day
without crystal since then.
548
00:23:43,583 --> 00:23:46,333
It's like crystal has silently
taken over my life
549
00:23:46,333 --> 00:23:49,834
and I don't feel like
there's space for me
in it anymore.
550
00:23:51,250 --> 00:23:55,500
Like... crystal decides
everything for me.
551
00:23:55,500 --> 00:23:57,708
You know? Like...
552
00:23:57,708 --> 00:24:00,667
and I feel like
a fucking piece of shit
553
00:24:00,667 --> 00:24:02,250
just being controlled.
554
00:24:02,250 --> 00:24:06,125
I'm-- I'm fucking
in her control.
555
00:24:06,125 --> 00:24:09,291
Like, crystal doesn't care
what I want.
556
00:24:09,291 --> 00:24:11,667
Uh, crystal just cares
about crystal.
557
00:24:11,667 --> 00:24:13,625
Mm-hmm. That's true. Yeah.
558
00:24:13,625 --> 00:24:16,041
Yeah.
Yeah.
559
00:24:16,041 --> 00:24:18,792
And yet, sometimes I think
I want to be crystal,
560
00:24:18,792 --> 00:24:20,208
and those are
my darkest days
561
00:24:20,208 --> 00:24:23,458
because I'm-- I'm spending
all my fucking time
562
00:24:23,458 --> 00:24:25,708
and energy being
a gay clown for crystal.
563
00:24:25,708 --> 00:24:28,875
And why? It--
Like, crystal won't pay me back
564
00:24:28,875 --> 00:24:30,417
the fucking money
I've spent on her.
565
00:24:30,417 --> 00:24:34,291
Crystal won't be there for me
when I'm spending my birthday
566
00:24:34,291 --> 00:24:37,583
wondering if this is the day
my mom's gonna call me.
567
00:24:40,208 --> 00:24:44,083
Crystal demands
all the attention.
568
00:24:44,083 --> 00:24:47,041
Crystal demands
all the attention
569
00:24:47,041 --> 00:24:50,959
and she won't be satisfied
until I'm completely drained
570
00:24:50,959 --> 00:24:54,250
of life force,
of everything.
571
00:24:54,250 --> 00:24:55,875
And she's very racist.
572
00:24:55,875 --> 00:24:59,542
He's never even tried
crystal meth, you guys!
573
00:24:59,542 --> 00:25:01,542
Cute monologue though.
574
00:25:01,542 --> 00:25:03,166
Is this your little
play reading?
575
00:25:03,166 --> 00:25:04,667
This is a closed meeting.
576
00:25:04,667 --> 00:25:06,083
Settle down, Cherry Jones.
577
00:25:06,083 --> 00:25:08,083
Sebastian: You need to leave.
Do you know her? This woman?
578
00:25:08,083 --> 00:25:09,917
Lainey: Okay,
Neil Patrick Harris!
Jason: Wow.
579
00:25:09,917 --> 00:25:10,875
Get out.
580
00:25:10,875 --> 00:25:12,458
♪ ♪
581
00:25:22,500 --> 00:25:24,041
Oh!
Watch out!
582
00:25:25,125 --> 00:25:26,125
Dammit, man!
583
00:25:26,125 --> 00:25:28,667
You watch it.
No bike lane.
Come on!
584
00:25:28,667 --> 00:25:31,750
(phone chirps)
585
00:25:40,750 --> 00:25:42,542
Hello?
586
00:25:42,542 --> 00:25:45,250
Max: Hey, so I know you said
I shouldn't call you or whatever
or I shouldn't call you back
587
00:25:45,250 --> 00:25:48,083
or anything, but I did
something really stupid
and I really need to meet up
588
00:25:48,083 --> 00:25:50,667
and chill out
with your stuff, man.
It's like totally an emergency!
589
00:25:50,667 --> 00:25:52,917
I just found this phone
on the street.
You what?
590
00:25:52,917 --> 00:25:55,125
I'm the delivery driver.
I just found this phone.
591
00:25:55,125 --> 00:25:57,625
That's my friend's phone!
I'll take it for him.
592
00:25:57,625 --> 00:26:00,125
I'm seeing him tomorrow anyway.
Let's meet up! Where are you?
593
00:26:00,125 --> 00:26:01,708
Thank you so much!
I have cash!
594
00:26:01,708 --> 00:26:03,291
Is it?
Phone says "Asshole."
595
00:26:03,291 --> 00:26:05,959
Really? Oh!
That's a high school nickname.
596
00:26:05,959 --> 00:26:07,750
We're friends forever.
Always will be friends.
597
00:26:07,750 --> 00:26:10,417
But where are you?
Like I said, I have cash.
How much?
598
00:26:10,417 --> 00:26:12,083
(club music playing)
599
00:26:14,542 --> 00:26:17,291
Excellent song choice!
Yeah, boy!
600
00:26:20,458 --> 00:26:21,959
Do you sleep back there?
601
00:26:21,959 --> 00:26:24,250
Yeah. There's a futon
in the dressing room.
602
00:26:24,250 --> 00:26:27,125
This is very on point
for you, man.
Yeah, I love it.
603
00:26:27,125 --> 00:26:29,125
The only trouble is
there's no shower
604
00:26:29,125 --> 00:26:30,333
'cause it's a theater.
605
00:26:30,333 --> 00:26:33,500
But, um, there's
a cheap gym around the corner.
606
00:26:33,500 --> 00:26:34,875
So, I do that.
607
00:26:34,875 --> 00:26:37,208
Very, very Chad.
Yeah.
608
00:26:37,208 --> 00:26:38,291
It's awesome.
609
00:26:38,291 --> 00:26:41,166
Wait, are you saying "Chad"
in a pejorative sense?
610
00:26:41,166 --> 00:26:42,875
I think so.
611
00:26:43,792 --> 00:26:45,000
You--
Ye-oww!
612
00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:46,875
All right, man.
Please? I need a phone.
613
00:26:46,875 --> 00:26:48,333
Can I just get
a phone please?
614
00:26:48,333 --> 00:26:50,166
Shane? Shane?
Shane: Yeah?
615
00:26:50,166 --> 00:26:52,583
Wh-- where's the rest
of your battleship?
I don't know!
616
00:26:52,583 --> 00:26:55,208
You're really--
You're up to 11 over here.
617
00:26:55,208 --> 00:26:56,708
All right?
Good!
618
00:26:56,708 --> 00:26:59,417
There's so much to do.
(phone chirps)
619
00:26:59,417 --> 00:27:03,250
Hello, how may
I help you this evening?
How may I help you this evening?
620
00:27:03,250 --> 00:27:05,792
Max: Thank you for calling.
What? Hello?
621
00:27:05,792 --> 00:27:07,333
What location can
I find you at tonight
622
00:27:07,333 --> 00:27:09,625
where I can assist you
with your weed?
Uh...
623
00:27:09,625 --> 00:27:11,708
Who is this?
This is my phone.
624
00:27:11,708 --> 00:27:13,125
Hello, Congresswoman.
625
00:27:13,125 --> 00:27:15,125
I've been waiting
for this moment.
626
00:27:15,125 --> 00:27:17,625
The person who found your phone,
627
00:27:17,625 --> 00:27:19,458
a man,
entrusted me.
628
00:27:19,458 --> 00:27:21,375
He t-- and told me
to give you your phone,
629
00:27:21,375 --> 00:27:24,542
which I will do,
but it's going to cost you.
630
00:27:24,542 --> 00:27:27,041
(chuckles)
You're gonna come meet me
631
00:27:27,041 --> 00:27:30,041
with a Prada Inside bag, okay?
632
00:27:30,041 --> 00:27:32,875
Full of cash
and whatever drugs you have.
633
00:27:32,875 --> 00:27:34,708
I don't know if you have
any drugs right now.
634
00:27:34,708 --> 00:27:36,375
You can meet me here
or I can meet you there
635
00:27:36,375 --> 00:27:38,375
'cause there's Uber
on my phone.
What the fuck?
636
00:27:38,375 --> 00:27:39,750
What are you doing
with my phone, man?
637
00:27:39,750 --> 00:27:41,708
Calm down for a second!
What?
638
00:27:41,708 --> 00:27:43,583
If you just be quiet,
I can tell you!
639
00:27:43,583 --> 00:27:45,250
I know this guy.
He fucking sucks.
640
00:27:45,250 --> 00:27:46,750
People have been
calling you all night,
641
00:27:46,750 --> 00:27:48,625
so I know you're making
crazy money!
642
00:27:48,625 --> 00:27:51,583
Show me the money!
That's hilarious
because my first real blowjob
643
00:27:51,583 --> 00:27:53,166
was in eighth grade
from Corey Jacobson
644
00:27:53,166 --> 00:27:55,166
while "Jerry Maguire" was
playing on VHS!
645
00:27:55,166 --> 00:27:57,208
I'll give you
a blowjob right now!
646
00:27:57,208 --> 00:27:58,500
Okay! Sounds great!
647
00:27:58,500 --> 00:28:00,208
What did I tell you?
More money? More...
648
00:28:00,208 --> 00:28:02,333
Max: Now...
Shut up.
649
00:28:02,333 --> 00:28:04,041
where are we gonna
have our meet?
650
00:28:04,041 --> 00:28:05,417
Meet?
What do you mean meet?
651
00:28:05,417 --> 00:28:07,542
Our little tête-à-tête.
652
00:28:07,542 --> 00:28:10,125
Our little pas de deux.
653
00:28:10,125 --> 00:28:11,375
That's not gonna happen, man.
654
00:28:11,375 --> 00:28:13,000
I'm just gonna
erase this phone.
655
00:28:13,000 --> 00:28:14,750
Oh no! Oh no!
Yeah.
656
00:28:14,750 --> 00:28:16,417
He's like Mr. Robot
or some shit!
657
00:28:16,417 --> 00:28:17,583
He's erasing the phone!
658
00:28:17,583 --> 00:28:18,917
Pretty sad.
659
00:28:18,917 --> 00:28:21,000
But will you still come
sell us weed?
Hey, man, get help.
660
00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:22,125
Dude!
661
00:28:23,250 --> 00:28:25,041
Damn.
I'm sorry, man. That sucks.
662
00:28:25,041 --> 00:28:26,333
Well, thank you for that.
663
00:28:26,333 --> 00:28:28,333
It's impressive you can just
erase your burner like that.
664
00:28:28,333 --> 00:28:30,166
It's not a burner.
It's an iPhone.
665
00:28:30,166 --> 00:28:31,750
Uh, where do I put this?
666
00:28:31,750 --> 00:28:33,083
Meh. Wherever.
667
00:28:33,083 --> 00:28:34,625
All right.
668
00:28:34,625 --> 00:28:36,166
There you go.
669
00:28:37,792 --> 00:28:39,250
Well, thank you
very much, Chad.
670
00:28:39,250 --> 00:28:40,375
Yeah. Any time, man.
671
00:28:40,375 --> 00:28:43,083
Doors open, except
twice on Saturdays
672
00:28:43,083 --> 00:28:45,000
and every night
at 7:00.
Cool.
673
00:28:45,000 --> 00:28:46,917
You okay?
674
00:28:46,917 --> 00:28:48,333
Yeah. I'm great.
675
00:28:48,333 --> 00:28:49,625
You sure?
676
00:28:51,375 --> 00:28:52,959
Wanna use my shower?
677
00:28:52,959 --> 00:28:54,083
I'd like that.
678
00:28:54,083 --> 00:28:55,083
All right. Come on, man.
679
00:28:55,083 --> 00:28:57,250
You gonna turn off the light?
No.
680
00:28:57,250 --> 00:28:58,959
I don't know how.
681
00:28:58,959 --> 00:29:00,834
Tabs:
That's crazy!
Did you call his parents?
682
00:29:00,834 --> 00:29:02,625
Lainey:
No. I don't have
his parents' numbers.
683
00:29:02,625 --> 00:29:05,834
Oh, God, leave it to Max
to be such a drama queen
about this.
684
00:29:05,834 --> 00:29:07,542
Two days is a long time.
Oh, hang on, Tabs.
685
00:29:07,542 --> 00:29:09,792
He's coming.
I'll call you back.
Oh, okay.
686
00:29:09,792 --> 00:29:11,208
Max!
Hi, Lainey.
687
00:29:11,208 --> 00:29:12,959
Jesus Christ!
Where have you been?
688
00:29:12,959 --> 00:29:15,834
Hi, Lainey! Hi!
I was getting ready to tweet
about your disappearance!
689
00:29:15,834 --> 00:29:17,041
How am I supposed to know?
690
00:29:17,041 --> 00:29:19,208
No, because, you know,
he told me it was my birthday.
691
00:29:19,208 --> 00:29:21,708
I don't know. Well, argh!
I don't know what to do.
692
00:29:21,708 --> 00:29:22,959
I did it, Lainey.
I did meth.
693
00:29:22,959 --> 00:29:24,250
You know how
I'd never done it before
694
00:29:24,250 --> 00:29:26,500
and I was being a fraud?
I knew it. Now they all know.
695
00:29:26,500 --> 00:29:27,500
They all know I'm a fraud
696
00:29:27,500 --> 00:29:29,041
and I will never go
to the Met ball!
697
00:29:29,041 --> 00:29:31,708
Okay.
I would've put you on
the list, you fucking bitch!
698
00:29:31,708 --> 00:29:35,000
I don't know!
There's no vegetation in here.
699
00:29:35,000 --> 00:29:36,834
It's not something
that we do,
700
00:29:36,834 --> 00:29:38,500
and if you don't have
green in the kitchen,
701
00:29:38,500 --> 00:29:39,750
what are you supposed to do?
702
00:29:39,750 --> 00:29:43,083
I fucked Shane.
Party and play. Party and play!
703
00:29:43,083 --> 00:29:44,625
Party and play, y'all!
704
00:29:44,625 --> 00:29:47,166
We met on my phone
and we did meth,
and it's fun.
705
00:29:47,166 --> 00:29:48,708
We've been just fucking
for days I think.
706
00:29:48,708 --> 00:29:50,750
For a year!
Happy New Year, baby!
707
00:29:50,750 --> 00:29:52,792
What's up?
708
00:29:52,792 --> 00:29:55,375
Shane's mom's name is Anita,
and Anita has lupus.
709
00:29:55,375 --> 00:29:57,542
Lainey, is everybody named Shane
a quarter Cherokee
710
00:29:57,542 --> 00:29:59,542
with a lupus mom?
'Cause I think that's a thing.
711
00:29:59,542 --> 00:30:02,708
But now I can be friends
with Belle and Sebastian.
712
00:30:02,708 --> 00:30:04,375
I mean, Joel and Sebastian,
713
00:30:04,375 --> 00:30:05,834
because I know
what their lives are like
714
00:30:05,834 --> 00:30:08,083
and I-- I just know.
I just know
715
00:30:08,083 --> 00:30:09,708
because I already
am living that
716
00:30:09,708 --> 00:30:11,708
and I--
I'm all the things
717
00:30:11,708 --> 00:30:13,834
and I'm taking things
to the top!
718
00:30:13,834 --> 00:30:16,750
♪ And you know
I'm gonna make it, baby ♪
(laughs)
719
00:30:16,750 --> 00:30:19,708
And we all know
how that turns out.
720
00:30:19,708 --> 00:30:21,208
(singing)
Oh, my God, Max!
721
00:30:21,208 --> 00:30:23,375
You're gonna die
when you see this!
722
00:30:23,375 --> 00:30:24,834
Look at your little butt!
723
00:30:24,834 --> 00:30:26,875
Oh, my God!
Look at your little penis!
724
00:30:26,875 --> 00:30:28,375
♪ What we all know ♪
(laughs)
725
00:30:28,375 --> 00:30:30,542
Oh, my God!
It wiggled around!
726
00:30:30,542 --> 00:30:31,917
You ruined me!
727
00:30:31,917 --> 00:30:34,000
You'd still be
wearing bootcut jeans
728
00:30:34,000 --> 00:30:35,375
if it wasn't for me!
729
00:30:35,375 --> 00:30:37,166
You fucking fag hag!
730
00:30:37,166 --> 00:30:39,250
(gasps)
Aah! Aah! My face!
731
00:30:39,250 --> 00:30:40,917
Goddammit, Max!
732
00:30:40,917 --> 00:30:43,375
My face! My leg!
733
00:30:43,375 --> 00:30:44,750
You fucking cu--
734
00:30:44,750 --> 00:30:48,500
And she's pissed
because her daughter got
the same face as her,
735
00:30:48,500 --> 00:30:50,625
only I don't think
she really realizes it,
736
00:30:50,625 --> 00:30:52,583
but on some level,
she knows.
737
00:30:52,583 --> 00:30:55,083
She's really
resentful about it.
738
00:30:57,041 --> 00:30:59,250
Maybe I'll get that face too.
739
00:31:00,291 --> 00:31:02,458
(gasps)
Oh, my God! Max!
740
00:31:02,458 --> 00:31:04,083
(chuckles lowly)
That was funny.
741
00:31:04,083 --> 00:31:05,959
You're doing so good today.
742
00:31:07,125 --> 00:31:09,041
Is it time for another?
743
00:31:09,041 --> 00:31:10,458
Hit me.
744
00:31:16,458 --> 00:31:17,917
(grunts)
745
00:31:22,250 --> 00:31:24,333
Why didn't the doctor
give me pills?
746
00:31:24,333 --> 00:31:27,959
'Cause you were on meth,
you fuck-tard.
747
00:31:28,959 --> 00:31:30,166
How'd he know?
748
00:31:30,166 --> 00:31:32,625
Well, first of all, you were
acting, like, totally insane.
749
00:31:32,625 --> 00:31:34,625
I also showed him the video.
750
00:31:34,625 --> 00:31:36,708
Oh, my God,
hey, oh, my God,
people have lupus!
751
00:31:36,708 --> 00:31:38,542
Isn't that a thing?
It's a thing! It's a thing!
752
00:31:38,542 --> 00:31:39,792
Ha ha, lupus.
753
00:31:39,792 --> 00:31:41,875
(chuckles lowly)
Mm.
754
00:31:41,875 --> 00:31:43,500
And can we talk
about how lucky you are
755
00:31:43,500 --> 00:31:45,959
that I still had
my Percocet prescription?
756
00:31:49,208 --> 00:31:50,125
Mm.
757
00:31:50,125 --> 00:31:51,959
I'm the luckiest boy
in the world.
758
00:31:51,959 --> 00:31:53,208
Hmm.
759
00:31:53,208 --> 00:31:54,583
Yeah.
760
00:31:56,667 --> 00:31:57,959
You are.
761
00:32:02,333 --> 00:32:04,625
Can you braid my hair?
762
00:32:04,625 --> 00:32:08,125
♪ ♪
763
00:32:46,834 --> 00:32:49,041
♪ Oh, oh ♪
764
00:32:49,041 --> 00:32:52,375
♪ How long is it gonna take
to rewind time? ♪
765
00:32:52,375 --> 00:32:56,708
♪ Wanna make you feel
like you were always mine ♪
766
00:32:56,708 --> 00:32:59,417
♪ Oino ♪
767
00:32:59,417 --> 00:33:02,792
♪ Oino ♪
768
00:33:02,792 --> 00:33:06,250
♪ How long is it gonna take
to rewind time? ♪
769
00:33:06,250 --> 00:33:10,583
♪ Wanna make you feel
like you were always mine ♪
770
00:33:10,583 --> 00:33:13,875
♪ Oino ♪
771
00:33:13,875 --> 00:33:17,333
♪ Time goes slow ♪
57195
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof