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We took that money to help people,
Marcus. People like you,
2
00:00:04,160 --> 00:00:07,280
and even people like
Pamela Anderson.
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00:00:07,280 --> 00:00:10,200
This came this morning.
We have a problem.
4
00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:12,120
He's ONE of our blackmailers.
5
00:00:12,120 --> 00:00:14,880
Wait. What?
There's two blackmailers!
6
00:00:14,880 --> 00:00:19,080
I need to gather evidence
so that Neha can arrest Pamela.
7
00:00:19,080 --> 00:00:20,360
Then she'll tell everyone about Dad.
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00:00:20,360 --> 00:00:22,280
That's when my plan
comes into action.
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00:00:22,280 --> 00:00:25,160
Not only have we got
your dad's death certificate,
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00:00:25,160 --> 00:00:28,800
we also have the funeral director
on the payroll.
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00:00:28,800 --> 00:00:30,520
We are home and clean.
12
00:00:30,520 --> 00:00:32,479
Trixie!
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00:00:32,479 --> 00:00:34,600
Here, puss-puss.
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00:00:32,479 --> 00:00:34,600
CAT MEOWS
15
00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:36,800
PAMELA GASPS
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THUD
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Ah.
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00:00:43,880 --> 00:00:46,960
JEAN: What?
SUSAN: Everything's going to be OK.
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00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:51,440
QUIET CONVERSATION
20
00:00:58,040 --> 00:01:02,840
I'm so sorry, Jean, but...
I'm sorry, but Pam hasn't made it.
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00:01:02,840 --> 00:01:06,120
JEAN SOBS
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00:01:02,840 --> 00:01:06,120
I'm so sorry.
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BANGING ON DOOR
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00:01:44,320 --> 00:01:46,320
Oh, good, it's you.
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And your plan if it wasn't?
I'd pretend to be your mum.
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00:01:49,840 --> 00:01:52,560
Go on, then. Um...
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00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:56,880
HIGH-PITCHED: No, thank you.
Please leave me alone. I'm a widow.
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00:01:58,360 --> 00:02:02,080
Yeah, that's not a good system, Dad.
Oh, right. Did you bring it?
29
00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:04,280
Yes.
30
00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:04,280
WILLIAM CHUCKLES
31
00:02:04,280 --> 00:02:07,760
This is lovely stuff.
This is the best hit money can buy.
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No more cannabis for me.
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00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:13,720
Just choccy milk from now on.
I got, er...
34
00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:17,720
It's just one for the cup and...
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00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:20,079
..one for the mug. Mmm...
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00:02:20,079 --> 00:02:23,079
Mmm! Mmm!
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00:02:23,079 --> 00:02:24,760
MOUTH FULL: Do you want some?
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00:02:24,760 --> 00:02:27,440
No. Hey? Hmm? How's Mum?
39
00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:30,720
Oh, fine. Fine?
Yeah. Why wouldn't she be?
40
00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:34,400
Well, one of her friends
died last night.
41
00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:37,920
Oh, I didn't think of it like that.
Yeah. So, where is she?
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00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:46,000
Oh... No.
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00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:48,600
Hey, Mum. Oh, hello, darling.
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00:02:48,600 --> 00:02:52,000
William! That booze that you got
for your retirement -
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have you moved it?
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00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:54,320
WILLIAM MUMBLES
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DEBBIE SIGHS
Sorry, what on earth is going on?
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00:02:57,920 --> 00:03:00,680
Your dad was given a bottle
of posh bubbly when he retired,
49
00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:02,960
and I've been waiting for
the right moment to open it.
50
00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:05,440
Could have opened it when I retired.
No! Needed to be
51
00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:08,360
for something special.
So why are you looking now?
52
00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:10,520
Well, do you know
what happened last night?
53
00:03:10,520 --> 00:03:13,120
Yeah. Do YOU know
what happened last night?
54
00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:16,360
Yes, I do, thank you.
I had front-row seats.
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00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:20,079
Ding-dong, cheerio.
See you in the next life!
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00:03:20,079 --> 00:03:21,800
DEBBIE LAUGHS
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00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:25,160
Have you got a brick for a heart?
Pam was your friend.
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SHE SCOFFS
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00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:27,840
Some friend. Come here.
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00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:35,800
Look at this. I found that in her
house yesterday. In her bowling bag.
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00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:38,760
The final piece dans la jigsaw.
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00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:43,440
Now, you tell me, what sort of
friend blackmails their own mates?
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00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:47,120
Yeah. But you can't have wanted her
to die, surely?
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00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:49,160
No, of course not.
I'm not a psychopath.
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00:03:49,160 --> 00:03:51,200
You're about to open
a bottle of champagne.
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00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:54,840
Well, only if I can bloody find it.
Are you sure you haven't moved it?
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00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:59,280
You do like to fiddle with my bits.
It's actually my champagne.
68
00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:02,520
And, Harold, I know you love
to apportion blame - you get that
69
00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:08,160
from your father - but Pamela's
death? Nothing to do with me. OK?
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00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:14,000
MOUTH FULL: It's starting to
make me feel a bit sick.
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00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:16,560
It is... It is claggy.
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00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:25,480
I wonder how long she's going to be.
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00:04:28,640 --> 00:04:30,640
Don't you just hate these places?
74
00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:35,240
Did you get those from the machine?
Yeah.
75
00:04:35,240 --> 00:04:37,480
I wouldn't.
Riddled with Legionnaires'.
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00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:42,680
And they found E. coli
in the sandwiches.
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00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:46,000
Sorry, you said this was urgent.
Oh...
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00:04:47,840 --> 00:04:51,280
You were at Pamela Anderson's house
last night. Well, there's something
79
00:04:51,280 --> 00:04:53,360
I need to tell you. She had a cat,
80
00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:55,520
and I suffer from
very bad allergies.
81
00:04:57,040 --> 00:05:00,200
And? I get very snuffly
and red, itchy eyes.
82
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:03,480
It's hugely incapacitating.
No, I mean about Pam.
83
00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:05,520
Oh, well, on arrival
to the hospital,
84
00:05:05,520 --> 00:05:09,320
it became apparent that I was
a smidge hasty in my assertions.
85
00:05:09,320 --> 00:05:12,960
Which means...? She's not actually
dead. Are you kidding me?
86
00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:15,840
How many times are you going to
do this? Do what?
87
00:05:17,480 --> 00:05:22,640
Nothing. Believe me, I'm shocked.
I am normally assiduously diligent.
88
00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:27,720
Urgh! Where is it?
89
00:05:27,720 --> 00:05:30,920
Mum, this is a classic case
of denial. I'm not in denial.
90
00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:33,280
If anything, I'm being
too transparent.
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00:05:33,280 --> 00:05:36,640
A little bit like
our bloomin' bathroom window.
92
00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:38,520
You know they frosted it
on the wrong side...
93
00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:42,360
Oh! ..so we can't see out but every
Tom, Dick and Harry can see in.
94
00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:45,360
A viewing gallery for my Tom, Dick
and Harry. Ohhh... Talking to you
95
00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:48,240
is like nailing jelly to the wall.
Well, that is very rude!
96
00:05:48,240 --> 00:05:50,680
Jelly? Haven't had that in ages.
Have we got any?
97
00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:54,080
Well, have a look in the cupboard.
And, you, if you can't be positive,
98
00:05:54,080 --> 00:05:56,840
you can leave. What do you want me
to be positive about?
99
00:05:56,840 --> 00:05:58,880
Just everything
I've ever done for you!
100
00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:01,240
No, you can't take credit
for the good if you can't take
101
00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:04,000
responsibility for the bad.
Oh, it's Thought For The Day
102
00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:06,400
with Bishop Patronising, is it?
103
00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:09,720
What did you say when you reversed
our car into the village duck pond?
104
00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:13,320
What's that got to do with anything?
Just tell me what you said. Oh...
105
00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:16,560
I merely commented
that the water level had risen.
106
00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:19,640
Which meant it was whose fault?
Global warming. I rest my case.
107
00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:23,920
Oh, you are an odious little chode.
Can you stop calling me that?
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00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:27,200
I'm sensitive about being stocky.
Oh, we're a stocky family.
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00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:29,200
I'm not. I'm quite willowy.
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00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:33,840
Oh, shut up! Shut up! Mum, please.
In the space of a few weeks,
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00:06:33,840 --> 00:06:36,320
we've had a fake funeral,
an insurance fraud
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00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:38,280
and now a very real death.
113
00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:41,680
Can you see what connects
those three things?
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00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:43,159
Yeah.
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Him. It's not, is it?
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00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:49,640
Well, I...
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I didn't mean to...hurt anybody.
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I know. I know.
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Come here.
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I love you.
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Pamela.
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00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:05,800
I killed her!
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00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:14,080
We've tried to inform the next
of kin, but there doesn't appear
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00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:17,360
to be any. No, there won't be.
Pam's quite an acquired taste.
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00:07:17,360 --> 00:07:20,440
So what exactly is this about?
Well, given that Ms Anderson
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turned out to be alive,
we've run some tests
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00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:27,320
and found something rather curious.
Pam's blood results show
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00:07:27,320 --> 00:07:30,520
an abnormally high level of
a stimulant drug for which there's
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00:07:30,520 --> 00:07:33,680
no medical reason for her to be
taking, which I think means...
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00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:35,400
She's on the crank?!
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00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:40,200
..she was poisoned by someone
trying to induce a heart attack.
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00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:43,640
Bloody hell. This village
is like Midsomer Murders.
133
00:07:43,640 --> 00:07:47,040
Yes, except this would be
Midsomer Attempted Murders,
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00:07:47,040 --> 00:07:50,200
because, as I say,
she's not actually dead.
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00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:51,720
No thanks to you.
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00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:58,040
QUIET CONVERSATION
137
00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:18,960
Can you make this out? Why would you
come to a search without your specs?
138
00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:20,920
The dog got them,
so the arm's loose,
139
00:08:20,920 --> 00:08:23,920
so they keep falling off me face.
I think that's the chemist in town.
140
00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:33,919
What did Dr Donut say about Pam's
next of kin? She didn't have any.
141
00:08:33,919 --> 00:08:37,520
Exactly. So why would she be
meeting with this guy?
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I can't read that, either.
He does wills.
143
00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:45,240
William, get packing.
Debbie, come on.
144
00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:49,160
This is not the answer.
You heard Harold. I have no choice.
145
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That's not what he was saying.
146
00:08:51,160 --> 00:08:55,880
Listen, I don't want to run away.
I'm tired and old and...
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00:08:55,880 --> 00:08:58,320
..actually, technically dead.
We're not running away.
148
00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:02,400
We're taking a holiday. Debbie...
A weekend away, then. No.
149
00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:06,320
A road trip. A getaway.
A couples' retreat.
150
00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:08,640
I'm not going to stand here
and play WordHippo with you.
151
00:09:08,640 --> 00:09:11,720
We cannot take a holiday from guilt.
152
00:09:11,720 --> 00:09:13,880
A mini-break?
153
00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:18,800
WILLIAM SIGHS
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00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:18,800
Look... Come here.
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00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:21,560
WILLIAM MAKES SOOTHING NOISES
156
00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:25,760
What am I going to do, then?
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00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:28,760
I think you know.
158
00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:41,640
You do the pharmacy,
I'll do the solicitor. Yes, guv.
159
00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:46,920
Cooee! I thought we agreed
you'd keep your head down.
160
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:50,360
Yeah, I'm like a hippo, aren't I?
Just keep on popping up for air.
161
00:09:50,360 --> 00:09:53,320
Did you know that hippos
produce their own sun cream?
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00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:56,400
I'm really busy, Debbie.
Yeah, I know. I need to talk to you
163
00:09:56,400 --> 00:10:00,760
about, um, Pamela. That's what
I'm busy with. You're looking for
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00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:04,720
the culprit? Yeah.
Yeah, well, look no further.
165
00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:06,640
It was me.
166
00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:10,640
What are you on about?
Well, I might not have literally
167
00:10:10,640 --> 00:10:14,720
plunged my hand into her heart
and pulled the valves out of her,
168
00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:16,360
but the, erm...
169
00:10:16,360 --> 00:10:19,440
What are valves in? Sockets?
170
00:10:19,440 --> 00:10:22,960
Flanges, is it? No, flaps. Flaps.
Anyway, shush, no,
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00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:28,200
it doesn't matter. I now realise,
thanks to your husband,
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that I bear responsibility
for her death.
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00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:37,000
Right, is that everything? Well,
aren't you going to take me in?
174
00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:42,200
No. Why not? Because
Pam's not bloody dead, Debbie.
175
00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:45,840
Although she WAS being poisoned.
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00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:50,120
Was...?! I didn't do that!
No, I know.
177
00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:52,560
I'm on my way to the pharmacy now.
178
00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:57,760
What do you mean?
179
00:10:58,760 --> 00:11:01,680
How have you got yourself into this?
180
00:11:01,680 --> 00:11:04,480
That's funny, that's exactly
what St Peter said last night.
181
00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:10,480
I had a dream - inspired, no doubt,
by my flirtation with hard drugs.
182
00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:15,440
I was at the gates of heaven, being
given a stern grilling by St Peter,
183
00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:18,240
who, weirdly, looked like
Richard Osman.
184
00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:21,320
I can see that.
He had his little clipboard out.
185
00:11:21,320 --> 00:11:24,000
Is this St Peter or Osman?
Both. Same. Of course.
186
00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:26,440
He was asking me
if I could make an argument
187
00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:29,880
for why a lying fraudster
should be let into heaven.
188
00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:32,960
What did you say? Well, I made
the best argument available to me.
189
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:36,400
Which was? I said it was
all your mother's fault.
190
00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:38,800
Want some jelly?
What flavour is it?
191
00:11:38,800 --> 00:11:40,280
Pork pie.
192
00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:42,800
No, thank you.
193
00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:48,120
You did hide it.
194
00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:51,880
Mmm. I just want
a quiet life, Harry.
195
00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:53,800
KNOCK ON DOOR
196
00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:57,640
Looks like I'm not going to get one
without being actually dead.
197
00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:04,840
Hello. We're from widow club.
198
00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:07,120
My mum's not here right now.
I'm not sure when she'll be back.
199
00:12:07,120 --> 00:12:10,160
Oh, that's fine. First rule of widow
club is we don't mind waiting.
200
00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:12,360
Sure, but I do have stuff
I need to be getting on wi...
201
00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:14,840
Crack on, then, love.
You won't even know we're here.
202
00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:33,440
You all right? Yeah.
A couple of teas wouldn't go amiss.
203
00:12:33,440 --> 00:12:34,800
Of course.
204
00:12:39,520 --> 00:12:41,840
Who could be poisoning Pamela?
205
00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:44,920
Well, maybe someone she were
blackmailing wanted revenge.
206
00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:48,360
Oh, I would do many things,
but I won't do that.
207
00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:52,280
All right, Meat Loaf.
It's a proper mystery, isn't it?
208
00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:55,760
A tough nut to swallow.
I know, and usually it's quite easy,
209
00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:58,640
because it's always...
BOTH: ..the husband.
210
00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:02,680
Yeah. Did Pamela ever have
a fella? Pamela?
211
00:13:02,680 --> 00:13:06,600
No. Why not?
Neha, Pamela's a lady's lady.
212
00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:08,560
What, posh?
213
00:13:08,560 --> 00:13:13,880
No, a LADY'S lady. Oh, I see!
I never realised. Yeah.
214
00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:17,120
She's a very private person. I think
that's why I find her so boring.
215
00:13:17,120 --> 00:13:20,720
Actually, have you told Harold
that she's alive? No. Why?
216
00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:22,640
Cos I'd like to do that.
217
00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:24,560
I knew it wasn't my fault.
218
00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:31,920
It's for modafinil,
but the name's illegible.
219
00:13:31,920 --> 00:13:34,440
What's modafinil used for?
It's a stimulant.
220
00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:36,440
It can be prescribed for narcolepsy.
221
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,640
Do we know anyone with narcolepsy?
222
00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:47,000
SHE SNORES
223
00:13:51,640 --> 00:13:53,120
Can I help?
224
00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:57,520
Er, no. I'm good. Thanks.
Please, go and sit back down.
225
00:13:57,520 --> 00:13:59,840
Oh. OK.
226
00:14:01,760 --> 00:14:06,480
Harry, can...can I tell you
something, just between us?
227
00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:08,880
Yeah. Of course, Jean.
It's only us here.
228
00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:11,320
I'd rather not be alone in there.
229
00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:14,720
Right. It's nice to have
company that's awake.
230
00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:18,840
Do you know what I mean?
Hmm... So...may I?
231
00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:20,880
HE MOUTHS
232
00:14:20,880 --> 00:14:22,920
Oh, er, yeah, sure.
233
00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:34,920
Here we go, Jean. Thanks.
234
00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:41,120
Did you hear about Pamela?
Oh, yeah. Terribly sad.
235
00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:43,720
I just can't think
what gave her a heart attack.
236
00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:47,160
I know. I know. It's a real mystery.
237
00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:51,160
Hey, Jean, are you sure you don't
want to go into the living room?
238
00:14:51,160 --> 00:14:56,480
Oh, no, no. Thank you. I'm fine
here. In fact, while I remember,
239
00:14:56,480 --> 00:15:00,600
I brought some home-made cupcakes.
Triple chocolate.
240
00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:02,920
Oh, Jean, you shouldn't have.
241
00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:04,920
CLINK
242
00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:04,920
Oh, I enjoy it.
243
00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:06,840
Baking keeps my mind off everything.
244
00:15:08,520 --> 00:15:10,400
Mm. Thank you.
245
00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:20,600
Right, so we should
head back to the station
246
00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:23,440
and work out what Billie's up to.
No. No, I have to check in
247
00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:25,880
with Susan.
Why? What's she doing?
248
00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:30,960
I shouldn't really tell you.
Oh, come on. I'm on the team.
249
00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:34,760
OK. Well, we did find some evidence
that Pam might have changed her will
250
00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:39,280
recently...with a solicitor.
Oh. Hence why you're asking
251
00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:42,160
about a boyfriend. Very good!
252
00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:45,480
Officer? BOTH: Yes? We don't do
a lot of modafinil, so I checked
253
00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:47,840
when we last filled
a 400mg prescription.
254
00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:49,640
And...? I hope it's OK
that I did that.
255
00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:51,920
I didn't mean to overstep
or anything. I just...
256
00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:54,000
And I know I can be a bit beaky.
And my mum says...
257
00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:57,080
Oh, my God, spit it out!
Erm, it was last Thursday.
258
00:15:58,160 --> 00:15:59,760
Oh, let's have a look.
259
00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:12,440
Oh! There's your Parkinson's thief
again. Any luck finding him yet?
260
00:16:12,440 --> 00:16:15,440
No. He's proving a bit of a ghost.
261
00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:18,600
PHONE RINGS
262
00:16:20,840 --> 00:16:23,680
Guv? SUSAN: So, I just
spoke to the solicitor.
263
00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:27,640
Oh, is that Susan? Turn her up.
Hello? Who's that?
264
00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:31,880
It's Debbie. It's Debbie Fendon.
Oh, hiya, Debbie! You all right?
265
00:16:31,880 --> 00:16:34,720
Yeah, fine. Just keeping on
keeping on, you know?
266
00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:37,800
You still bowling? Yeah, trying to,
267
00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:40,560
but I've been having trouble
with a gippy knee recently.
268
00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:42,720
Might have some gel
for that, actually.
269
00:16:42,720 --> 00:16:45,400
I've tried the gel, thanks.
It's too sticky. No, sorry, ladies,
270
00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:50,360
can we just focus? Yeah, OK.
It should be here any second.
271
00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:55,080
So, yeah, I spoke to the solicitor.
Nice guy, but savage BO.
272
00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:58,560
And Pam's will was updated
six weeks ago,
273
00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:00,760
and you'll never guess
the beneficiary.
274
00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:04,839
Oh, my God.
275
00:17:04,839 --> 00:17:10,119
Jean. Oh! I was hoping
to surprise you.
276
00:17:10,119 --> 00:17:11,839
Jean?!
277
00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:18,760
Mmm. Mmm. Oh, these
are delicious, Jean.
278
00:17:18,760 --> 00:17:22,640
Is that... Is that maple syrup I can
taste? You've got a good palate.
279
00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:24,760
Yeah. I ate a lot of pancakes
on a holiday to Florida once.
280
00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:27,400
Oh, was that with your mum and dad?
Yeah. Such a shame,
281
00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:31,840
what happened to your dad.
Mmm. Yeah. No, we miss him.
282
00:17:34,040 --> 00:17:35,480
HE EXHALES
283
00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:38,080
Forgive me, Jean. Sorry.
Suddenly I feel quite tired.
284
00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:44,680
That's OK, love. Those cupcakes
are lovely, though. Yeah.
285
00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:48,000
I always find the maple syrup
is a perfect flavour combination
286
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:50,440
for the gamma hydroxybutyrate.
Right.
287
00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:53,000
Sorry, what did you say?
The gammy hydroxy what now?
288
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:55,840
It's more commonly known as GHB.
289
00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:59,600
OK. That's... That's good
in cupcakes, is it?
290
00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:02,720
It is if you want to
incapacitate someone.
291
00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:06,120
Why would you want to do that?
Oh, you've still not got it.
292
00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:10,360
Ain't got what? Your mum always said
you were a bit slow-witted.
293
00:18:10,360 --> 00:18:11,920
Huh?
294
00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:15,360
I'm here to get my money.
295
00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:25,640
Now that Pam's gone, I'm on
a bit of a ticking clock, you see.
296
00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:29,040
Sorry, wait, wait. How did you know
that was in there?
297
00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:31,560
Can you keep a secret?
298
00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:35,840
I'm not really blind.
299
00:18:37,880 --> 00:18:40,840
And I've known all along...
300
00:18:40,840 --> 00:18:43,200
..William.
301
00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:45,760
Oh, hello.
302
00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:47,360
Hiya.
303
00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:03,560
You told everyone you were blind.
No, that's not fair.
304
00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:07,160
I never said I was blind.
I said I was visually impaired.
305
00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:09,520
What's the difference?
Have you got all day?
306
00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:11,760
Wait. So what IS your impairment?
307
00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:14,960
Just double vision, really.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
308
00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:18,800
So instead of being blind,
you can see two of me?
309
00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:21,840
Yeah. It's funny, really, eh?
I don't think it's funny.
310
00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:24,720
I think it's a bit rum.
Coming from you?!
311
00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:26,880
You've got a nerve, you Fendons.
312
00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:32,040
Now, if you don't mind,
I have got a flight to catch.
313
00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:36,520
I'll be seeing you, then.
All four of you!
314
00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:39,480
Probably in hell, if you
believe in that sort of thing.
315
00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:41,280
THUD
316
00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:45,480
Take that, you loathsome
mole-eyed bum hole.
317
00:19:45,480 --> 00:19:47,600
DEBBIE SIGHS
318
00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:50,240
Told you I was saving it
for a special occasion.
319
00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:53,400
Finally, I can retire.
320
00:20:01,880 --> 00:20:04,000
Oh, bloody hell!
321
00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:05,800
It's like Jonestown.
322
00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:26,080
REPORTER: After her arrest
six weeks ago,
323
00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:29,280
it emerged that Jean Cotterill
seduced Pamela Anderson,
324
00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:32,400
a local vulnerable woman,
and had been slowly poisoning her
325
00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:36,040
with modafinil, which she'd been
stealing from another villager,
326
00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:37,800
in order to cause a heart attack.
327
00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:40,120
Her plan was to steal
the inheritance.
328
00:20:40,120 --> 00:20:42,480
Cotterill, who's partially sighted,
even led Pamela
329
00:20:42,480 --> 00:20:46,280
and other villagers to believe that
she was in fact completely blind.
330
00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:48,920
This has been
a shockingly dramatic case
331
00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:51,200
in this small, quiet
and peaceful village.
332
00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:55,040
I am surprised, but then I'm not,
333
00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:58,240
cos if you ask me, this village
is a little bit damned.
334
00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:01,520
Why do they always use
the stupidest people for vox pops?
335
00:21:01,520 --> 00:21:02,880
Yeah!
336
00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:04,200
We just can't believe it, you know?
337
00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:06,160
Oh... We were flabbergasted.
338
00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:11,360
This is a law-abiding,
quiet, transparent community.
339
00:21:11,360 --> 00:21:13,360
So there isn't a lot of crime here?
What?
340
00:21:13,360 --> 00:21:15,760
There's no crime at all.
I leave my doors open.
341
00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:18,800
Anybody who wants to come into
my house can come into my house.
342
00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:21,600
There's absolutely NOTHING
to hide there. At all.
343
00:21:21,600 --> 00:21:24,720
Cotterill was charged
with attempted murder,
344
00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:27,960
but that was dropped
in exchange for her pleading guilty
345
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:29,880
to administering a toxic substance.
346
00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:32,960
She's now been sentenced
to four and a half years.
347
00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:37,000
Meanwhile, for Pamela Anderson,
thankfully, it's time for her to be
348
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:41,520
reunited with old friends.
This is Steve Knibbs in Colberton.
349
00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:42,880
Aw...
350
00:21:42,880 --> 00:21:44,960
NEWSREADER: Plans to build
the UK's largest...
351
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:47,360
TV OFF
It's amazing she survived, really.
352
00:21:47,360 --> 00:21:50,040
I mean, doctors said she had
more amphetamine in her system
353
00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:51,680
than Diego Maradona.
354
00:21:51,680 --> 00:21:54,320
Jean Cotterill, supervillain.
HE CLICKS HIS TONGUE
355
00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:56,800
Who'd have thought, Mum? You weren't
the biggest criminal in the village.
356
00:21:56,800 --> 00:21:59,200
You weren't even
the biggest criminal in widow club.
357
00:21:59,200 --> 00:22:01,120
Excuse me. I'm not a criminal.
358
00:22:01,120 --> 00:22:03,640
You're only a criminal
if you get caught.
359
00:22:03,640 --> 00:22:07,640
I'm not sure that's how it works.
Oh, wind your neck in, PC Pedant.
360
00:22:07,640 --> 00:22:10,480
Sorry to be slow,
but if Pamela's innocent,
361
00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:13,520
why did she put the blackmail letter
in your pocket at the casino club?
362
00:22:13,520 --> 00:22:18,960
Because Jean asked her to. Told her
it was a voucher for Lakeland.
363
00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:22,920
Poor old girl was being used
as a totally unwitting mule.
364
00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:29,240
Yeah. And you nearly killed her. Oh,
Harold. Do you ever let anything go?
365
00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:31,720
Did we get the Lakeland voucher?
366
00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:36,200
Because they do a very good range
of dual-ended silicone spatulas
367
00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:39,560
that can get right into
the crannies of a yoghurt pot,
368
00:22:39,560 --> 00:22:41,200
you know, scoop it all out.
369
00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:44,080
No.
370
00:22:44,080 --> 00:22:48,160
Right, we must get on.
Guests arriving in an hour.
371
00:22:48,160 --> 00:22:50,400
All hands on deck for nibble prep.
372
00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:55,040
And remember, don't let Billie
have too much quiche,
373
00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:57,200
or she'll be guffing all afternoon.
374
00:22:57,200 --> 00:22:58,960
HE GROANS
375
00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:01,520
One minute I was grilling a chop,
376
00:23:01,520 --> 00:23:03,760
the next it was like being
back in the Falklands!
377
00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:05,240
HE IMITATES EXPLOSION
378
00:23:05,240 --> 00:23:08,400
And it was a guinea pig?
Oh, yeah. He's got a scar
379
00:23:08,400 --> 00:23:12,520
from its little teeth. Show her.
I'll take your word for it.
380
00:23:12,520 --> 00:23:17,360
I just feel so foolish.
You must forgive yourself.
381
00:23:17,360 --> 00:23:20,360
Sometimes a good heart
doesn't see the bad.
382
00:23:20,360 --> 00:23:22,960
That's very profound, Rupert.
383
00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:24,600
Isn't this nice?
384
00:23:24,600 --> 00:23:28,560
You've just committed fraud,
got away with being blackmailed,
385
00:23:28,560 --> 00:23:30,920
narrowly avoided killing
one of your best friends
386
00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:34,120
and still have your supposedly
dead husband in the loft, and so
387
00:23:34,120 --> 00:23:37,400
you decide to invite the whole
village round for a house party?
388
00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:40,080
Exactly. If all that
isn't cause for celebration,
389
00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:41,800
I don't know what is.
390
00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:44,400
CORK POPS
391
00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:44,400
GEOFF: Ow!
392
00:23:44,400 --> 00:23:47,920
Oh, sorry, Geoff.
Not again! Bloody hell!
393
00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:51,120
She will need top grades
for medicine, like myself.
394
00:23:51,120 --> 00:23:52,600
It's a difficult industry...
395
00:23:54,360 --> 00:23:58,320
That's the one I've got here,
so... Yeah, OK.
396
00:23:59,440 --> 00:24:04,800
Sorry, just have to squeeze by.
I know you don't! I do.
397
00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:39,320
Ah, there they are,
Harry Potter and Dobby.
398
00:24:39,320 --> 00:24:42,960
I got a bit bored.
Yeah, tell me about it.
399
00:24:44,120 --> 00:24:46,360
Come on, then. Budge up.
400
00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:52,440
HARRY GROANS
401
00:24:52,440 --> 00:24:54,680
Ooh! Yes, please.
402
00:24:54,680 --> 00:24:56,720
CHOCOLATE WRAPPER RUSTLES
403
00:24:56,720 --> 00:24:58,560
Sh!
404
00:24:58,560 --> 00:25:00,480
ALL: Cheers.
405
00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:06,880
Mmm.
406
00:25:15,760 --> 00:25:18,640
Excuse me. Do you have any hand-san?
407
00:25:18,640 --> 00:25:22,520
Because I accidentally brushed
that man's corduroy trousers,
408
00:25:22,520 --> 00:25:25,240
and the grooves are terrible
for harbouring bacteria.
409
00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:27,040
No, sorry, I don't have any.
410
00:25:27,040 --> 00:25:28,720
SHE SIGHS
411
00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:40,080
You know, the last few weeks
is the most we've been together
412
00:25:40,080 --> 00:25:44,600
since I left school.
All it took was your dad dying.
413
00:25:44,600 --> 00:25:48,200
I suppose I've always
brought people together,
414
00:25:48,200 --> 00:25:51,240
first in life and now in death.
415
00:25:52,320 --> 00:25:56,240
And when you think about it,
I'm not unlike Jesus.
416
00:25:56,240 --> 00:25:58,400
Which makes Mum Pontius Pilate.
417
00:25:59,680 --> 00:26:01,720
That's very bloody rude.
418
00:26:03,360 --> 00:26:05,840
Do you think your own mother
would murder the Son of God?
419
00:26:05,840 --> 00:26:08,800
No. It was a joke.
Well, it's not funny.
420
00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:12,440
All right. Sorry.
When will you learn
421
00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:16,880
that your supposed jokes are
actually very offensive? All right.
422
00:26:16,880 --> 00:26:18,960
I'm hardly Dave Chappelle.
Who's that?
423
00:26:48,080 --> 00:26:49,280
Ah.
424
00:26:50,880 --> 00:26:52,840
WHISPERS: Can you keep a secret?
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