All language subtitles for The Amazing Screw-On Head

- What's happening?
- We have a security breach.

Take only what's necessary,
leave the rest behind.

Commander,
we just received this.

Then we have a traitor.

Step away from her.
She's a spy.

She's not a spy.

Beastie!

- Make way for Scharnhorst!
- Scharnhorst!

Please, don't hurt me.
Just take what you want.

You're what I want.

Get me Screw-On Head.

There are two histories...

one that is told and one that isn't

I, Abraham Lincoln, do order

that America's strangest,
most secret histories

will only be recorded
in one book.

These are
the adventures of...

Screw-On Head.

Calling Screw-On Head.

Screw-On Head.
Screw-On Head.

Coming, Mr. President.

- Yes, sir.
- Tell me what you know

about the Kalakistan Fragment.

Scrolled
on unshaven goatskin,

it supposedly details the life
of Gung the Magnificent

who nearly conquered
the world in 9632 B.C.

Using supernatural powers

derived from a fabulous
melon-sized jewel.

- "Supposedly"?
- The fragment is untranslatable.

And missing. It disappeared from the
Museum of Dangerous Books and Paper

along with their foremost expert
on ancient evil texts.

- Professor Fruen?
- He was abducted

by two horrible old women
and a monkey.

Sounds like
Emperor Zombie.

Sounds like you're right.

Then Fruen's deciphered
the fragment.

And Zombie's got 'em both.

The belly's telling me
he's scratching to finish

the job that Gung
started 10,000 years ago.

Given your personal history
with Emperor Zombie,

- I can't ask you...
- Then I'm volunteering.

Our informant in Marrakesh has
given us the precise location

of Fruen's
last known whereabouts.

The trail starts there.

All due respect,
Mr. President,

the trail starts
with your informant in Marrakesh.

- Mr. Groin!
- Here, sir.

I'll be needing
a body for this.

- What about lucky 13?
- Anything,

- only let us have progress.
- Yes yes, hurrying along.

But what's this I hear
about a personal history

- with Emperor Zombie?
- Oh, that. It's nothing.

There's a history.
I wouldn't call it personal.

Mmm. Pardon me
if I'm being too familiar,

but I find it odd considering
the seven gentlemen

who preceded me
in this position

were all killed
by Emperor Zombie.

- That seems personal.
- I'm not comfortable

with this level of intimacy from someone
in your position, Mr. Groin.

Yes, sir.

- Mmm.
- Oh, very well.

I was instructed not to tell you
as a matter of national security,

but since you've asked...

in life, Emperor Zombie
was H.G. Manifold, Mr. Manifold...

the mister before the seven
that were murdered and you.

In many ways,
he was my favorite.

He was certainly
the smartest,

had a taste for ancient
forbidden knowledge

which tragically
was his undoing.

Evidently not, sir, if he's still
kicking about, causing trouble.

Yes, it's as I always say...

all really intelligent people

should be cremated
for reasons of public safety.

Better late
than never, I say.

Being too familiar.

Ready, Mr. Groin?

- Ready, Mr. Head.
- Godspeed, Screw-On Head.

Ah, Patience. To what do
we owe this dismal pleasure?

Sadly for you,
the dismal pleasure is all mine.

You see, Emperor Zombie
has a problem,

he calls me
and he says, "Fix it. "

So here we are,
fixing things.

Tell, exactly,
what are we fixing?

You.

Yeah, that's what
I want you to do.

It seems you're a bit
of a get-around girl who likes to talk.

Yes, please.

Uh-oh.

Whoa!

- So...
- Patience?

- Patience.
- Screw-On.

You make me feel alive
and full-bodied.

I look into your eyes

and see there's
a life outside my head.

- I love...
- Shh.

Shh-shh-shh-shh-shh-shh.

I want to say it first. I I...

Patience.

Bye now.

Damn you, Mr. Manifo...

ooh!
Excuse me.

Damn you,
Emperor Zombie!

Still living
in your head, Head?

Where is Professor Fruen?

So, it's all business,
is it?

The Head I fell in love with
was so much more chatty.

Aw, but that was before you allowed me
to be horribly murdered

and turned into the foul beast
that stands before you.

You're sweet.

I wasn't fishing
for that, but thank you.

Is this how
you spend your days,

Zombie's errand girl, running around
telling rats to kill people?

- Rats like me.
- Of course they do, you're vermin.

- You used to love this vermin.
- I used to a lot of things, Patience.

And speaking of patience,
I'm running out of mine.

Goodbye, my former love.

I've got her!

- § You know something I don't know. §
- Who's there?

What is
the meaning of this?

I thought I was clear.
You know something

- I don't know.
- I'll tell you everything.

I want to know
what this says.

The scroll of Gung?

It's untranslatable.

Why steal a book
you can't read? That's silly.

Umm, I was attempting
to translate it.

Ooh, how far did you get?

- Not very.
- You're no fun.

Piggy little professor,
keeping Gung's secrets all to himself.

There's only one way to truly know
everything you know.

Ask politely?

I'm going...

to smoke you.

Last words before
I spark it?

Wait! I know
where Gung's temple is!

Oops, so do I. Just can't get inside
the damn thing. Ricky.

Now I know
everything you know.

There's actually
a little joke in here.

Gung was funny.

Where's Zombie?

Where's Zombie?

Where? Where?!

- Ahh!
- Head, a word.

Crack a window,
Mr. Groin.

Let's not have the Oval Office
smelling like burnt hair.

The nature of this investigation
has become much too personal.

We're dealing
with undead perversions

of the only woman you ever loved
and your most trusted manservant

who vowed to do away with
all subsequent manservants

in the cruelest means
imaginable.

Perhaps you should lower
your voice, Mr. President,

Groin's been
rather invasive

and a tad familiar
as of late.

He could be
hatching a plot.

He's not Zombie!

Groin's looking out
for your behind, Head.

You can't keep him
at arm's length.

I admit there are
unresolved issues,

but I won't allow them to get
in the way of national security.

America is depending
on me, Mr. President.

And by America,
I mean the world.

- He's picked up a scent.
- We're coming for you, Zombie.

Who says smoking people
is bad for you?

"Turn back
lest great vengeances

be leveled
against thee,

for this is the Temple
of Gung. "

And what do you have to say?

- You've done it.
- Yay.

I'm so excited I just
made water in my pantaloons.

I wish Patience was here.
Not that I don't like you,

I do. It's just
she's not quite so old.

She's old, but not like you,
not like that.

You understand.
Ooh, look. It's Gung.

Foolish mortal.

Do I look mortal to you?

There it is...
Bangang Agro-Esh:

The left eye of Nog,

the jewel worshipped
by the wizards of Mu

and the black priests
of Atlantis,

finally passed down
to Gung the Magnificent

who was chosen
by the gods

to conquer
the world with it

and now, it's mi...

Eww.

It's not a jewel,
it's a dirty, old piece of crap.

It's a turnip.

And it looks like it has
a small parallel universe inside.

Open open open,

I can't bear to wait
a moment longer.

I'm about
to make contact.

Stop right there.

Screw-On Head.
I was just saying

how nice it'd be if Patience
were here to share this moment,

and there she is.
You granted my wish.

- Hello, darling.
- Hello, my love.

Unless your wish
is to see her die,

I suggest you put down
that turnip.

In this, my greatest hour,
I do have another wish

but it's not that.
It's to have a happy reconciliation

with the Head
that gave me purpose.

After all, I wouldn't be the zombie
I am today if it weren't for you.

Your purpose
is world domination,

and don't put
your damage on me, pal.

I get enough of that
from this one.

I'm merely
expressing gratitude.

Perhaps you might express
an apology.

Oh, no, he didn't.

Apologize to you?

- Pardon me if I say poppycock.
- Then say it.

- Poppycock.
- You let America down.

You let me down.

You went on and on
about how sweet the candy was,

then told me not to put it in my mouth
and got mad at me when I did.

If by "candy" you mean
ancient forbidden evil,

then, yes, I told you
not to put it in your mouth.

I think your forbidden evil
is fresh as a daisy.

Thank you, darling.

My arm's
getting tired.

Nobody moves
or Patience dies...

again... permanently!

Ah yes, if you can't have her
then no one can.

Patience darling,
do I have permission

to let Head stake you
if it means world domination?

Yes, my love.

No!

Plug it in.

Stop!

You will release
the Demigod!

You mean that
big magical thing you used

to conquer the world
thousands of years ago?

Then I believe
introductions are in order.

Plug it.

Free at last

from my vegetable prison!

Your poor, sad,
insignificant brains

cannot conceive of the horror
that is coming now...

right now...

right this very instant.

Now, the horror.

I can't allow that!

Bah! You are
an irritant to me!

Time to begin
the horror.

By all means, let's!

Emperor Zombie...
how do you do?

I'm here to advise you
on dispensing horror

in this modern
military climate.

I understand you're a demigod.
That's fantastic.

Oh, I don't know
about "fantastic. "

I do, if I may
be so bold.

Be bold!
I command you.

I have an impressive resume
in the service industry,

as the man
you just crushed can testify.

I've been looking for a master
worthy of my servitude,

and, baby, you are it!

Yes, artillery now
is big guns

that shoot giant rocks
that bruise and dismember,

which is why you need
artillery too.

And an army
of the undead.

Also an army
of the undead.

Well, I've always wanted
one of those.

You dig up the corpses
and I'll make them your slaves.

Emperor Zombie,
you're a fiend!

Boo-hoo,
you had your chance.

And it's Mr. Zombie now,
for I answer to the mighty Demigod.

Mr. Dog!

Did you come
to save the day?

When I was alive
and he was alive,

he won "Best in Show"
10 times running.

Well, the show's over now,
Mr. Dog,

and this time
you didn't win.

Um, would you mind
stepping on him?

Mr. Groin?

- Mr. Zombie?
- This is the best day ever!

It marks the end
of Amazing Screw-On Head

and brings closure to my petty
vengeance fetish with his manservants.

Your petty vengeance
fetish will have to

do without Mr. Groin.

Ow!

Not the face!

The world will be made

to suffer
for this indignity!

Indignity?
I'll have you know

I work for the President
of the United States of America!

Now, Mr. Groin!

I'm beside myself.

Good work, Mr. Groin!

Now, to beat
a hasty retreat.

Hey!

Curse you,
Screw-On Head!

Where?

Good show,
Mr. Gung.

Thanks to you,
Mr. Groin,

I vanquished
my greatest enemy today,

who sadly happened
to be my closest friend.

Well, too long I've been
living in my head

friendless and alone,

scarred by past betrayals.

I must learn to trust again
and damn it, Mr. Groin,

you're gonna show me how!

From here on out, you'll be
as familiar as you like.

Yes, sir.

How do you like that,
Mr. Dog?

Damn you, Patience!

Another job well done,
Screw-On Head.

Once again, the earth is
a safe place for living humans.

Let's not be lulled into
a false sense of security.

According to Mr. Gung,

our new representative
from the Paleolithic era,

the Northern American continent
was once home to civilizations

with strange technologies,

some of them in contact
with alien worlds.

- God only knows what...
- Ah! Not unless spoken to.

You must be bold
in your actions, Mr. President.

There's an America
beyond the Mississippi

that requires a threat assessment.

But how? If the Confederates
learn of our agenda,

they'll undermine us
at every turn.

Then we act under the auspices
of spurring western migration.

By gum, that's it.

We're coming for you, America!