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1
00:00:07,599 --> 00:00:09,000
ECHOING: Are you with me, Jen?
2
00:00:09,039 --> 00:00:11,440
ECHOING: To the ends of the
Earth, Danny Dyer...
3
00:00:15,360 --> 00:00:16,919
What's that, Danny Dyer?
4
00:00:16,959 --> 00:00:18,959
SHE LAUGHS
5
00:00:20,120 --> 00:00:22,040
SHE GASPS
6
00:00:22,079 --> 00:00:24,120
You're such a silly sausage.
7
00:00:24,160 --> 00:00:25,239
SHE CHUCKLES
8
00:00:28,400 --> 00:00:30,599
# Feelin', feelin' hot, hot
9
00:00:30,639 --> 00:00:32,598
# Can't you see I'm hot, hot?
10
00:00:32,639 --> 00:00:34,598
# I'm making you hot, hot
11
00:00:34,639 --> 00:00:37,239
# So have my fire, baby
12
00:00:37,279 --> 00:00:38,400
# Did you know I'm hot, hot...
#
13
00:00:38,440 --> 00:00:40,000
Wow...
14
00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:43,959
She's ready for the "big day".
15
00:00:44,918 --> 00:00:46,279
Brum, here we come.
16
00:00:46,319 --> 00:00:48,479
Aw, you look great too, Veens.
17
00:00:48,519 --> 00:00:52,000
Eh, power-dressing for my first
postapocalyptic row with my
mother.
18
00:00:54,239 --> 00:00:55,720
I was, um...
19
00:00:55,760 --> 00:00:58,839
I was sick this morning.
That's a bad sign, isn't?
20
00:00:58,879 --> 00:01:01,720
Maybe. Or it could be cos we're
filtering our drinking water
21
00:01:01,760 --> 00:01:02,959
through Bern's tights.
22
00:01:04,360 --> 00:01:07,279
How's the People's Princess
Project going? You hopped on
Drew yet?
23
00:01:07,319 --> 00:01:10,120
I tried! I got up in the night
and put my least dirty knickers
on,
24
00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:11,639
but Bern was back in there.
25
00:01:11,720 --> 00:01:13,599
That's the thing with
menopausal women.
26
00:01:13,639 --> 00:01:16,720
Night sweats wake them, and
they roam till dawn. What can
I do?
27
00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:19,080
Once he's in that travel cage,
I've got no chance.
28
00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:21,239
Well, you'd better shoot
your shot, Shell,
29
00:01:21,279 --> 00:01:23,480
cos you're running out of time
for him to shoot his.
30
00:01:30,319 --> 00:01:31,680
Morning.
31
00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:33,360
Big day today.
32
00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:36,360
Last night was pretty
sizeable, too.
We're officially partners now.
33
00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:38,199
In business. Exactly.
34
00:01:38,239 --> 00:01:39,599
And it's time to relocate.
35
00:01:39,639 --> 00:01:41,480
Relocate?
36
00:01:41,519 --> 00:01:44,199
Not a lot of call for what
we're peddling round here.
37
00:01:44,239 --> 00:01:48,319
Sure, yeah. Always meet the
customer base where they are.
38
00:01:48,360 --> 00:01:49,839
And where is that exactly?
39
00:01:51,199 --> 00:01:52,720
Birmingham.
40
00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:56,000
We're going to repopulate the
world with Brummie babbies.
41
00:01:56,040 --> 00:01:59,279
Ah... Hey, I went to a Super
Furrys gig at the NEC once.
42
00:01:59,319 --> 00:02:02,599
Great parking.
Oh, it's a good shout, that,
Drew,
43
00:02:02,639 --> 00:02:06,519
as NEC would make a cracking
base for operations.
44
00:02:06,559 --> 00:02:08,599
You know, once we scale up.
45
00:02:10,559 --> 00:02:11,919
We're going to scale up?!
46
00:02:12,519 --> 00:02:13,959
Mm, course.
47
00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:16,000
Oh, Brum's just the start.
48
00:02:16,040 --> 00:02:18,879
It's not just the Midlands
that's short of fellas, bab.
49
00:02:18,919 --> 00:02:22,080
Well, you know, there's only
so much the human body's
capable of.
50
00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:23,959
I've got faith in you, love.
Yeah...
51
00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:26,199
I'll do my best for you, Bern.
52
00:02:27,879 --> 00:02:29,599
Good lad. Now...
53
00:02:29,639 --> 00:02:32,319
Pack up your bits.
We're leaving at sundown.
54
00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:33,800
Don't think I'll need that
long.
55
00:02:33,839 --> 00:02:35,519
I shall come back for you later
56
00:02:35,559 --> 00:02:37,720
and escort you to your chariot.
57
00:02:37,760 --> 00:02:40,160
First class all the way 'ome.
58
00:02:41,599 --> 00:02:42,959
You could stay for a while.
59
00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:45,680
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
60
00:02:45,720 --> 00:02:47,199
To what end?
61
00:02:47,239 --> 00:02:48,599
We could talk.
62
00:02:48,639 --> 00:02:50,400
You know...
HE CHUCKLES
63
00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:51,720
..get to know each other?
64
00:02:52,959 --> 00:02:55,559
I think we did enough of that
last night, petal.
65
00:02:55,599 --> 00:02:57,199
Course, yeah...
66
00:02:57,239 --> 00:02:58,319
DOOR CLOSES
67
00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:03,839
Stupid, stupid, stupid!
68
00:03:03,879 --> 00:03:06,879
Oh, shall I take Drew some
breakfast?
69
00:03:06,919 --> 00:03:08,959
He's probably hungry
from all them...
70
00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:11,199
.."business" meetings you're
having.
71
00:03:11,239 --> 00:03:13,440
Oh, I've satisfied all his
appetites.
72
00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:15,480
I reccie'd the perimeter
earlier.
73
00:03:15,519 --> 00:03:17,599
No sign of our flexible
friends.
74
00:03:17,639 --> 00:03:19,360
They're out there, though,
75
00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:21,199
doing their Kegels.
76
00:03:21,239 --> 00:03:23,279
What time we leaving? Sunset.
77
00:03:23,319 --> 00:03:26,080
We'll slip past those bendy
bints under the cover of
darkness.
78
00:03:27,239 --> 00:03:28,599
Is Zar down yet?
79
00:03:28,800 --> 00:03:31,279
Mm, haven't seen her... She'll
never going to agree to leave.
80
00:03:31,319 --> 00:03:33,080
Not without Gary. She'll come.
81
00:03:34,239 --> 00:03:36,639
At the end of the day,
she does what her mummy tells
her.
82
00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:38,720
She's a sensible girl, my Zar.
83
00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:47,599
SLOW-BUILDING EUPHORIC MUSIC
84
00:03:53,239 --> 00:03:54,800
I can't believe he's gone.
85
00:03:54,839 --> 00:03:56,720
I know, mate.
86
00:03:56,760 --> 00:03:58,319
He was such a character.
87
00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:02,639
I'll never forget how he'd lick
himself while I watched
Gogglebox.
88
00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:05,000
Yeah, well Jen's not here,
Renee.
89
00:04:05,040 --> 00:04:09,839
And he's in the ground now,
so, you know, she's missed it.
90
00:04:09,879 --> 00:04:12,639
Zara! I'm coming, babe!
It's my Gary!
91
00:04:13,959 --> 00:04:16,279
Barney was like a brother to
me.
92
00:04:16,319 --> 00:04:17,760
Oh, Jesus Chr...
93
00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:19,279
GASPING
94
00:04:19,319 --> 00:04:21,639
Barn, this is for you.
95
00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:25,238
THEY GASP
96
00:04:25,279 --> 00:04:27,279
Zar...
97
00:04:27,319 --> 00:04:28,839
Will you marry me?
98
00:04:28,879 --> 00:04:30,959
Yes! Yeah?
99
00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:33,319
ZARA GASPS
A diamond! Is this your nan's
ring?
100
00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:35,599
She died!
Don't worry about the grease.
101
00:04:35,639 --> 00:04:37,800
I had to lube her hand
so I could get it off, yeah.
102
00:04:37,839 --> 00:04:39,599
Yeah,
she was pretty swollen at the
end.
103
00:04:39,639 --> 00:04:41,680
GARY CHORTLES, ZARA CHUCKLES
104
00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:44,599
Oh, my G... Maid of honour,
yeah?
Yeah. Yeah, I'd love to.
105
00:04:44,639 --> 00:04:46,080
So happy for you guys.
106
00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:47,238
Oi!
107
00:04:47,279 --> 00:04:50,120
This is a National Trust
property!
Five-O! Leg it!
108
00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:51,839
# Fire, baby, firework... #
109
00:04:51,879 --> 00:04:53,760
Argh! I'm sorry!
SHE SCREAMS
110
00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:56,279
I'm getting married!
SHE SQUEALS
111
00:04:56,319 --> 00:04:59,599
# Confetti falling
down from the universe... #
112
00:04:59,639 --> 00:05:01,238
SHELLY RAMBLES INCOHERENTLY
113
00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:09,519
For our wedding today.
114
00:05:09,559 --> 00:05:11,559
I've been working on it for
weeks!
115
00:05:11,599 --> 00:05:13,599
Explains where
the net curtains went.
116
00:05:13,639 --> 00:05:16,279
Helluva set of lashes
you're rocking. Made them, too.
117
00:05:16,319 --> 00:05:17,800
Real human hair.
118
00:05:17,839 --> 00:05:20,360
Like Russian oligarchs' wives
wear.
119
00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:21,720
Where'd you get the hair, Zar?
120
00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:23,400
Oh, I cut a chunk off Shell
last night
121
00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:25,238
when she was sleeping. Oh,
man...
122
00:05:25,279 --> 00:05:26,720
It's me "something borrowed".
123
00:05:29,440 --> 00:05:30,559
What do you think, Mum?
124
00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:33,879
You look radiant.
125
00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:39,519
I just want to be pretty for
Gary.
126
00:05:39,559 --> 00:05:43,480
But, remember, princess, we're
leaving at sundown, come what
may.
127
00:05:43,519 --> 00:05:46,238
So if Gary's not here... Mum!
128
00:05:46,279 --> 00:05:48,040
He'll be here!
129
00:05:48,080 --> 00:05:50,319
I know, but if he's not here...
He will!
130
00:05:53,599 --> 00:05:56,680
I'm going to go wait...
for my prince.
131
00:06:03,559 --> 00:06:04,839
DOOR CLOSES
132
00:06:05,279 --> 00:06:07,400
She's gone a bit weird, Bern.
133
00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:10,360
Yeah, she's developed
a touch of my Auntie Sandra.
134
00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:12,400
Jilted by a panel beater in
'92.
135
00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:14,199
Checked out, mentally.
136
00:06:14,238 --> 00:06:16,800
Now she lives in a slanket
and collects Royal Doulton.
Oi!
137
00:06:16,839 --> 00:06:18,040
We'll have none of that.
138
00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:21,440
When the time comes, she'll
snap out of it
139
00:06:21,480 --> 00:06:22,839
and do as she's told.
140
00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:26,080
Now get your arses in gear.
141
00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:27,400
We leave at sunset.
142
00:06:29,279 --> 00:06:32,760
DOOR OPENS, CLOSES
143
00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:34,440
Now's your chance with Drew.
How?!
144
00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:37,559
Take the lock off and slip
in quickly. So Drew can do the
same.
145
00:06:37,599 --> 00:06:39,319
WHISPERS: Oh, thank you.
146
00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:50,080
RINGING ECHOES
147
00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:52,800
UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
# Take me out
148
00:06:52,839 --> 00:06:56,680
# Take me out
149
00:06:56,720 --> 00:07:00,160
# Babe, babe, take me out
150
00:07:00,199 --> 00:07:01,639
# Take me... #
151
00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:03,199
I got all the prosecco I could
find.
152
00:07:03,238 --> 00:07:04,639
Bloody 16 quid a bottle!
153
00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:06,279
Only the best for my princess.
154
00:07:06,319 --> 00:07:09,400
Here y'are.
Stick the chest in the chest
freezer.
155
00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:11,080
It'll be good for the wedding.
156
00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:12,480
Tell Shell about Shepper Hall!
157
00:07:12,519 --> 00:07:13,919
Oh, yeah...
158
00:07:13,959 --> 00:07:15,599
Got a last-minute cancellation.
159
00:07:15,639 --> 00:07:19,199
A bride found out the groom
was...knobbing the maid of
honour.
160
00:07:19,239 --> 00:07:21,120
Wedding's December 5th!
161
00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:23,760
December 5th? That's so soon!
162
00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:25,720
Well, if me and Gary hump like
rabbits,
163
00:07:25,760 --> 00:07:28,400
I'll be on mat leave next
Christmas, won't have to work
the sales!
164
00:07:28,440 --> 00:07:30,160
Mission understood. And
accepted!
165
00:07:30,199 --> 00:07:32,120
THEY CHUCKLE
Up your arse, Jackie Bristowe!
166
00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:33,160
THEY LAUGH
167
00:07:33,199 --> 00:07:34,760
I've got an Ofsted inspection
in December.
168
00:07:35,120 --> 00:07:37,160
Who deserves your loyalty,
Shell?
169
00:07:37,480 --> 00:07:40,120
My Zar, or the deep-state
goons?
170
00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:41,599
DOOR OPENS
171
00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:46,199
All right, guys?
Sorry I missed Barney's
funeral.
172
00:07:46,239 --> 00:07:48,480
Where have you been,
Genevieve Georgiana Jenkins?
173
00:07:49,199 --> 00:07:52,199
Your mother missed a full 'ouse
fretting about you.
174
00:07:52,239 --> 00:07:55,440
Oh, I just had a spot of bother
at work. My boss died.
175
00:07:55,480 --> 00:07:57,559
Jesus, Jen. What happened?
176
00:07:57,599 --> 00:07:59,800
Uh, he was rollicking me
for wanting the morning off
177
00:07:59,839 --> 00:08:01,760
and the next thing I knew...
178
00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:03,720
..he's on top of me, groaning.
179
00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:05,279
Faking a heart attack to cop a
feel?
180
00:08:05,319 --> 00:08:06,879
Oldest trick in the book.
181
00:08:06,919 --> 00:08:10,559
So I rang an ambulance and
they...t-told me to pump his
chest.
182
00:08:10,599 --> 00:08:13,720
You've got to do it to a boogie
rhythm so you get the right
beat.
183
00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:16,559
ARRHYTHMICALLY: A-one, two...
Three...Four-five...
184
00:08:16,599 --> 00:08:19,440
Six, a-seven, uh...
185
00:08:19,480 --> 00:08:20,599
Uh...
186
00:08:20,639 --> 00:08:22,800
I even gave him the kiss of
life.
187
00:08:24,120 --> 00:08:25,440
But he slipped away.
188
00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:30,279
Oh, I'm such a wazzock! Ooh!
189
00:08:30,319 --> 00:08:31,919
Well, to be fair,
190
00:08:31,959 --> 00:08:34,919
he was a dead man walking,
that Clint, with his 60-a-day
191
00:08:34,958 --> 00:08:36,800
and his double bacon
cheeseburgers.
192
00:08:36,839 --> 00:08:38,760
I can still taste his
spittle...
193
00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:41,800
Has anyone got a Polo?
194
00:08:43,319 --> 00:08:44,639
It's menthol.
195
00:08:44,679 --> 00:08:47,000
You'll bounce back, Jen.
You always do.
196
00:08:47,040 --> 00:08:48,480
RINGING ECHOES, SHE COUGHS
197
00:08:48,519 --> 00:08:50,519
RINGING STOPS, COUGHING
CONTINUES
198
00:08:52,519 --> 00:08:54,879
ENCHANTING INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
PLAYS
199
00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:03,440
SHE SIGHS HAPPILY
200
00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:09,279
There she is, my sleeping
beauty.
201
00:09:09,319 --> 00:09:11,040
You've been out the game for so
long time.
202
00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:12,440
Where are we, Danny Dyer?
203
00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:14,559
We're deep in the
heart of the forest.
204
00:09:17,080 --> 00:09:18,480
Just went out to greet the day.
205
00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:21,839
It's glorious out there.
206
00:09:21,879 --> 00:09:24,160
Where are the others?
207
00:09:24,199 --> 00:09:26,760
Don't worry about them.
You're on your own path now.
208
00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:36,720
Your leg's looking sweet as a
nut.
209
00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:40,440
Amazing things, ain't they,
maggots?
No.
210
00:09:42,239 --> 00:09:44,720
Get them off! Them little
wigglers have saved your life.
211
00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:46,720
They worked their arse off
eating that gangrene.
212
00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:48,679
Shh, shh, come here. Calm down.
213
00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:50,400
I'm here to help you.
214
00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:52,120
Are you my guardian angel?
215
00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:55,160
I don't really go in for all
that woo-woo bollocks.
216
00:09:55,199 --> 00:09:57,559
I'm what Carl Jung would
call your "animus".
217
00:09:57,599 --> 00:10:00,319
Basically, I'm your inner
geezer.
218
00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:02,120
I don't have an inner geezer.
219
00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:03,919
Oh, you do, baby.
220
00:10:03,958 --> 00:10:05,839
I come from well deep inside
your unconscious
221
00:10:05,879 --> 00:10:07,040
to help you individually.
222
00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:09,160
What does that mean?
To self-actualize.
223
00:10:09,199 --> 00:10:11,279
I don't understand
what you're saying.
224
00:10:11,319 --> 00:10:13,080
To sort your shit out, love.
225
00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:15,879
All right? Oh! OK.
226
00:10:15,919 --> 00:10:19,199
For now, though, why don't I
just call you my favourite
slag?
227
00:10:19,239 --> 00:10:22,559
And we have a bit of breakfast?
OK, Danny Dyer.
228
00:10:22,599 --> 00:10:24,480
Yeah.
229
00:10:24,519 --> 00:10:26,400
Beautiful.
230
00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:32,199
I've, um, foraged some double
tasty mushrooms. I don't like
mushrooms.
231
00:10:34,239 --> 00:10:37,239
Of course you don't. It's all
right. It's not a problem.
232
00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:41,360
MIMICKING COCKNEY: Am I still
your favourite slag?
233
00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:44,319
Always.
234
00:10:56,679 --> 00:10:58,599
Ah, it's you.
235
00:10:58,639 --> 00:11:00,679
Hey, buddy. What's that for?
236
00:11:00,720 --> 00:11:02,599
Ah, don't worry about that.
237
00:11:03,879 --> 00:11:05,160
Eh...
238
00:11:05,199 --> 00:11:06,480
Oh!
239
00:11:08,958 --> 00:11:10,480
Big day's finally here.
240
00:11:10,519 --> 00:11:12,559
I thought Bernadette was coming
to get me. Yeah.
241
00:11:12,599 --> 00:11:14,040
You and Bernadette, eh?
242
00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:16,839
What's...? What's that about?
243
00:11:16,879 --> 00:11:19,080
That's between me and her.
Sure, sure.
244
00:11:21,879 --> 00:11:23,760
Oh, the times we had here.
245
00:11:25,040 --> 00:11:29,120
Remember how just awkward
we were in those early days?
246
00:11:29,160 --> 00:11:31,440
I never... I never knew what to
say.
247
00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:34,440
What do you want, Shelly?
248
00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:36,599
Long story short, I'm in a bit
of a pickle.
249
00:11:36,639 --> 00:11:38,120
What's that got to do with me?
250
00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:41,239
Well, I'll start at the
beginning.
251
00:11:41,279 --> 00:11:45,120
When I was 12,
I moved to a new school,
252
00:11:45,160 --> 00:11:47,679
and it was mainly
because my dad got...
253
00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:57,800
..broken up at the same time
because he tried to finger
254
00:11:57,839 --> 00:12:00,360
her on a park bench and she
thought it was very distasteful.
255
00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:01,679
So I thought...
256
00:12:03,679 --> 00:12:07,080
Then I came in here to talk to
you, and...
257
00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:10,720
Yeah, I guess that brings us
up to speed.
258
00:12:12,519 --> 00:12:15,440
So what do you reckon?
Help out an old friend?
259
00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:19,239
With what? Oh! Help with what?
Drew!
260
00:12:19,279 --> 00:12:22,199
I'm just a girl
standing in front of a boy
261
00:12:22,239 --> 00:12:24,480
chained to a radiator,
asking him for...
262
00:12:24,519 --> 00:12:26,040
WHISPERS: ..some sex.
263
00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:27,599
Uh...
264
00:12:27,639 --> 00:12:29,279
Shelly, can I give you some
advice?
265
00:12:29,319 --> 00:12:31,000
I'd really rather just have the
sex.
266
00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:33,760
If I've learned one thing
listening to you over the last
nine weeks,
267
00:12:33,800 --> 00:12:35,279
which has felt a lot longer...
268
00:12:36,958 --> 00:12:39,080
..is that the cause of your
problem... Is my dad. I know.
269
00:12:39,120 --> 00:12:41,480
I've never felt really loved...
It's YOU, Shelly!
270
00:12:41,519 --> 00:12:43,720
Your biggest problem is YOU.
271
00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:45,958
Oh. Stop lying. I don't lie.
272
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:48,239
You made up a bread-stealing
nonce called Darren Firepot.
273
00:12:48,279 --> 00:12:51,120
That's not... He wasn't a nonce.
That's just a mad coincidence.
274
00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:54,080
You live in a fantasy world.
So stop lying and making
excuses
275
00:12:54,120 --> 00:12:56,040
or you're going to end up
sad and alone!
276
00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:00,760
So no sex?
277
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:02,120
No!
278
00:13:04,040 --> 00:13:06,480
PARTY MUSIC PLAYS
279
00:13:10,199 --> 00:13:12,279
Oh, she's having a great time,
Ren.
280
00:13:12,319 --> 00:13:13,839
Yeah, a spot of bother at work.
281
00:13:13,879 --> 00:13:16,519
No biggie. Finish your
Ginsters.
282
00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:21,040
Oh, Jen. Jen. Jen. Jen!
That wasn't cheap, that...
283
00:13:22,639 --> 00:13:24,480
His whole tongue was in me
mouth.
284
00:13:26,559 --> 00:13:29,080
That's the most intimate I've
ever been with a man.
285
00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:31,639
Why don't you go
and have a dance, eh, Jen?
286
00:13:31,679 --> 00:13:32,919
Cheer yourself up?
287
00:13:32,958 --> 00:13:34,040
Yeah. Yeah. Eh?
288
00:13:35,239 --> 00:13:38,440
Yeah. Yeah! Yeah!
Strut me funky stuff. That's
it.
289
00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:40,080
Go on, up you get.
290
00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:42,519
Yeah! Oh-ho-ho!
291
00:13:42,559 --> 00:13:44,319
Woo! There you go.
292
00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:46,679
Oh, big up, the happy couple!
293
00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:53,040
# You know this boogie
is for real... #
294
00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:56,559
What is she doing?
295
00:13:56,599 --> 00:13:59,720
Must be that boogie rhythm.
It's triggered a flashback.
296
00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:00,879
Jen?
297
00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:04,319
MUFFLED: Jen,
can I get you some water?
298
00:14:04,360 --> 00:14:06,000
No, get off me, Clint!
299
00:14:14,879 --> 00:14:15,919
What have I done?
300
00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:30,480
I'm such a wazzock.
301
00:14:35,319 --> 00:14:36,480
What a legend!
302
00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:41,920
HAUNTING MUSIC PLAYS
303
00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:49,200
Sorry, I'm slow, Danny Dyer.
304
00:14:49,240 --> 00:14:51,119
It's all my fault.
305
00:14:51,159 --> 00:14:54,320
I should never have worn
those stupid shoes to the party.
306
00:14:54,359 --> 00:14:57,079
I won't have a bad word said
about them shoes.
307
00:14:57,119 --> 00:14:59,439
I love a bit of sparkle.
They look the bollocks.
308
00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:03,200
Thanks, Danny Dyer.
309
00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:07,000
Got a little present for ya.
310
00:15:07,039 --> 00:15:08,960
Oh, Danny Dyer!
311
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:10,439
Is it chocolate?
312
00:15:10,479 --> 00:15:12,880
I don't like chocolate.
No, baby.
313
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:15,520
It's a war hammer.
314
00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:16,920
God, it's massive.
315
00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:18,640
That's what they all say.
316
00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:21,839
You'll get the hang of it.
I won't. I'm a wazzock.
317
00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:23,640
Don't you ever call yourself
that.
318
00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:25,479
No, it's true. I AM a wazzock!
319
00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:28,560
I ruined Zara's hen do
and her engagement party.
320
00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:30,039
I ruin everything.
321
00:15:31,719 --> 00:15:34,159
When I was a nipper, my mates,
322
00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:35,759
they all called me a numpty.
323
00:15:35,799 --> 00:15:38,920
But you're not a numpty.
You're chillax to the max.
324
00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:40,200
You're the geezers' geezer.
325
00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:42,719
I believed it, though,
because they said it.
326
00:15:42,759 --> 00:15:45,039
They weren't really your mates,
then. Exactly.
327
00:15:45,079 --> 00:15:49,159
So how can YOU be your own
mate if you're calling yourself
a wazzock?
328
00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:51,000
OK, you can't...
329
00:15:51,039 --> 00:15:53,680
You can't be your own mate, can
you?
330
00:15:53,719 --> 00:15:55,640
I'm confused. Good.
331
00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:57,799
That's exactly what we want.
332
00:15:57,839 --> 00:15:59,799
Let's go and smash the granny
out of some shit.
333
00:16:13,359 --> 00:16:14,960
SHE GRUNTS
334
00:16:19,079 --> 00:16:21,280
Mission accomplished?
Mission NOT accomplished!
335
00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:23,399
I put it all out there
and he turned me down.
336
00:16:23,439 --> 00:16:25,960
Now what do I do? Maybe we'll
find another dick in Brum.
337
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:27,399
You don't really believe that.
338
00:16:27,439 --> 00:16:28,880
I don't know.
339
00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:31,079
Christ knows what's out there.
340
00:16:31,119 --> 00:16:32,640
Maybe zombies?
341
00:16:32,680 --> 00:16:34,000
Definitely my mother.
342
00:16:34,039 --> 00:16:35,320
Doesn't it scare you?
343
00:16:35,359 --> 00:16:38,159
The car's covered in cutlery,
and I'm constantly off my
chong.
344
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:40,000
What do you think?
345
00:16:40,039 --> 00:16:41,039
Well...
346
00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:43,560
..we could just stay here.
347
00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:46,240
Grow things, live...
Live off the land.
348
00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:48,240
It's been nine weeks and we're
still shitting in buckets.
349
00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:49,839
We can build a toilet!
350
00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:52,960
Nah. Sometimes you have to face
reality.
351
00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:54,960
Otherwise, you'll go the way
of Auntie Sandra.
352
00:16:57,560 --> 00:16:59,320
HE INHALES DEEPLY
353
00:16:59,359 --> 00:17:01,280
Ah! Let's get you loaded up!
354
00:17:04,039 --> 00:17:05,759
The sweet taste of freedom.
355
00:17:05,799 --> 00:17:07,119
It feels good, Bern.
356
00:17:07,159 --> 00:17:08,640
The shackles are off.
357
00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:09,799
I'm a man again.
358
00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:12,880
Nothing can contain me now.
359
00:17:12,920 --> 00:17:14,520
You're in here, petal.
360
00:17:26,479 --> 00:17:28,039
We've made this
361
00:17:28,079 --> 00:17:29,960
so no bugger eyeballs you,
362
00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:31,398
tries to steal you away.
363
00:17:33,759 --> 00:17:37,320
See you in Brum. And mind
your coccyx on the B-roads.
364
00:17:37,359 --> 00:17:38,960
There's no suspension in there.
365
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:45,880
I'm going for Zar! And be ready
to leave the second her arse
366
00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:47,839
hits that faux leather
interior.
367
00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:50,240
That leather's real, mate.
368
00:17:58,680 --> 00:17:59,759
I want me mum.
369
00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:05,759
Hi, Jen. Let's not go nuclear.
370
00:18:05,799 --> 00:18:08,079
All right? Imagine wanting
your mum.
371
00:18:10,039 --> 00:18:12,839
PHONE BUZZES
Oh, Jesus wept.
372
00:18:14,039 --> 00:18:17,119
I'll tell you what, shall I get
your face tattooed on my arse,
babe?
373
00:18:17,159 --> 00:18:20,079
SHE GIGGLES
374
00:18:20,119 --> 00:18:21,200
Zara.
375
00:18:22,839 --> 00:18:24,719
You're going to have to ask Jen
to be a bridesmaid
376
00:18:24,759 --> 00:18:27,439
at the wedding, princess. Mum,
no!
377
00:18:27,479 --> 00:18:29,119
Look what she just did.
378
00:18:29,159 --> 00:18:30,719
She killed a man today.
379
00:18:30,759 --> 00:18:32,359
I'm not asking you, Zar!
380
00:18:32,398 --> 00:18:34,799
She'll jinx the wedding, I
know it!
381
00:18:34,839 --> 00:18:36,119
Fanny's screaming at me.
382
00:18:36,159 --> 00:18:39,039
And Mummy is overriding your
fanny.
383
00:18:39,079 --> 00:18:41,799
So get it done before her
mum steams down here.
384
00:18:41,839 --> 00:18:43,159
You want damage?
385
00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:44,680
Renee is damage!
386
00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:00,960
Jen, babe?
387
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:03,079
Do you want to be a bridesmaid?
388
00:19:03,119 --> 00:19:04,880
JEN LAUGHS EXCITEDLY
389
00:19:06,119 --> 00:19:08,640
Me? A bridesmaid?
390
00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:10,159
No!
391
00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:16,479
It's the best day of me life!
It wasn't Clint's, though, was
it?
392
00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:19,759
Right, go on. Tell your mum.
393
00:19:19,799 --> 00:19:22,240
Tell her the good news. Mum!
394
00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:25,000
Guess who's Zara's bridesmaid?
395
00:19:25,039 --> 00:19:26,759
This wazzock!
396
00:19:27,839 --> 00:19:30,960
I can't believe it! Good girl.
397
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:35,200
I can't believe it! Oh, I'm
going to be a bridesmaid!
398
00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:36,880
No good'll come from this, Mum.
399
00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:38,359
My foof's never wrong.
400
00:19:38,398 --> 00:19:40,799
Oh, no, I'm dancing!
401
00:19:40,839 --> 00:19:42,200
Heh! Hah!
402
00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:46,759
Ah! Heh! Ah-jah!
403
00:19:46,799 --> 00:19:48,520
Yah! Yes, Jen.
404
00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:50,320
Wah! You're an animal.
405
00:19:50,359 --> 00:19:53,079
Would you let anyone call me
a numpty? Hell, no!
406
00:19:53,119 --> 00:19:55,560
You're Danny bloody Dyer.
407
00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:57,680
And you're Jen...
408
00:19:57,719 --> 00:19:59,359
..whatever your surname is!
409
00:19:59,398 --> 00:20:03,119
And no-one calls my Jen a
wazzock, especially not you.
410
00:20:03,159 --> 00:20:06,839
Do you understand me?
WARRIOR-LIKE: Yes, Danny Dyer!
411
00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:09,320
YELLING: Don't tell me. Show me!
412
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:12,560
Yes!
413
00:20:12,600 --> 00:20:15,479
Turning into a proper warrior
queen now, ain't ya?
414
00:20:15,520 --> 00:20:18,119
Thanks. The world needs you,
Jen.
415
00:20:18,159 --> 00:20:20,640
It's a state out there.
416
00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:23,398
And the hens, they're heading
straight for it.
417
00:20:23,439 --> 00:20:25,398
How do you know that?
I'm Danny Dyer, ain't I?
418
00:20:25,439 --> 00:20:27,240
Time and space works
differently for me.
419
00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:28,520
Well, I need to help them.
420
00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:29,680
You don't need to do anything,
Jen.
421
00:20:29,719 --> 00:20:31,119
But I'm Zara's bridesmaid.
422
00:20:31,159 --> 00:20:33,439
And she locked you in a cellar.
Only cos of me chatter.
423
00:20:33,479 --> 00:20:35,680
They didn't want to. They still
did it, though, didn't they?
424
00:20:35,719 --> 00:20:37,398
So you're saying
I shouldn't help them?
425
00:20:37,439 --> 00:20:39,159
I'm saying you owe them jack.
426
00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:42,000
If you help them, you do
it because you want to.
427
00:20:42,039 --> 00:20:43,479
Not because you have to.
428
00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:47,880
Would you have helped those
boys who called you a numpty?
429
00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:50,280
I'll be straight with you, Jen.
No-one's ever called me a
numpty,
430
00:20:50,320 --> 00:20:52,079
I'm Danny Dyer, ain't I?
It was a little parable
431
00:20:52,119 --> 00:20:54,119
I used to get you
thinking about self respect.
432
00:20:54,159 --> 00:20:55,240
Ha!
433
00:20:55,280 --> 00:21:00,200
Oh, what are you like? Yeah! Big
trickster energy, ain't I?
434
00:21:01,439 --> 00:21:03,920
Shall we crack on? Hell, yeah!
435
00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:07,200
Got anything else I can attack?
Maybe later, babe.
436
00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:13,719
PANTING
437
00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:16,479
COUGHING
438
00:21:24,799 --> 00:21:25,799
Frigging hills.
439
00:21:27,159 --> 00:21:28,200
Hi, Mum.
440
00:21:31,398 --> 00:21:33,039
Time to go, princess.
441
00:21:33,079 --> 00:21:35,719
No. Gary's not here yet.
442
00:21:37,320 --> 00:21:40,920
Yeah, but at the end of the
day, love,
443
00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:43,240
it's the end of the day.
444
00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:44,359
We had a deal.
445
00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:47,680
But my fanny says he's really
close now.
446
00:21:47,719 --> 00:21:49,439
Just need to wait a bit.
447
00:21:49,479 --> 00:21:50,920
And I say...
448
00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:53,600
..time's up.
449
00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:55,520
So choose.
450
00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:58,079
Mummy or fanny.
451
00:21:59,240 --> 00:22:00,359
Sorry, Mum.
452
00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:03,880
What's that, princess?
453
00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:05,719
I choose my fanny!
454
00:22:05,759 --> 00:22:07,359
He's dead, Zar.
455
00:22:07,398 --> 00:22:08,680
Your Gary's dead.
456
00:22:08,719 --> 00:22:11,398
He's not! My fanny knows.
457
00:22:11,439 --> 00:22:12,439
And Mummy...
458
00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:15,560
..is overriding your fanny.
459
00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:17,640
No! Not this time, Mum!
460
00:22:21,119 --> 00:22:23,680
Then we are leaving without
you!
461
00:22:23,719 --> 00:22:24,719
Mum!
462
00:22:26,719 --> 00:22:27,920
I warned you!
463
00:22:28,600 --> 00:22:31,000
Fine! Do it, then.
464
00:22:34,119 --> 00:22:35,280
See ya!
465
00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:39,359
Christ!
466
00:22:40,479 --> 00:22:42,320
All the things I've done for
you!
467
00:22:52,079 --> 00:22:54,280
Go on. Go on, Jen.
468
00:22:56,479 --> 00:22:57,960
SHE SCREAMS
469
00:22:58,000 --> 00:22:59,119
Beautiful.
470
00:23:01,799 --> 00:23:03,000
Get on that.
471
00:23:05,479 --> 00:23:09,520
What happened? You've levelled
up and you look tidy.
472
00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:12,280
That Viking aesthetic
really suits ya.
473
00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:14,479
Thanks. You look tidy, too.
474
00:23:15,799 --> 00:23:17,320
Can I tell you a secret?
475
00:23:17,359 --> 00:23:19,000
Of course you can, baby.
476
00:23:19,039 --> 00:23:21,280
I've got a bit of a crush on
you.
477
00:23:21,320 --> 00:23:23,560
I know. I'm your inner geezer,
ain't I?
478
00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:25,398
I'm always watching you.
479
00:23:25,439 --> 00:23:27,320
Your secrets are my secrets.
480
00:23:27,359 --> 00:23:28,799
Wait.
481
00:23:30,079 --> 00:23:32,600
So you knew about all those
times I'd put The Wall on and...
482
00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:34,320
Of course I do.
483
00:23:34,359 --> 00:23:36,520
Why do you think we make
The Wall? Me shouting the odds
484
00:23:36,560 --> 00:23:39,200
in a three-piece suit?
Come on, we know what we're
doing.
485
00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:42,000
Oh, that is so embarrassing.
486
00:23:42,039 --> 00:23:46,320
What am I like? Jen, we're two
halves of an whole.
487
00:23:46,359 --> 00:23:48,000
We're yin and yang.
488
00:23:48,039 --> 00:23:50,479
We're conscious and
unconscious.
489
00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:52,079
We're Chas and Dave!
490
00:23:52,119 --> 00:23:53,960
I don't know what that means.
491
00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:56,359
It means I've got a nutty crush
on you and all.
492
00:23:56,398 --> 00:23:58,680
Oh, Danny Dyer.
493
00:23:58,719 --> 00:23:59,719
Come here.
494
00:23:59,759 --> 00:24:02,039
ETHEREAL-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS
495
00:24:20,359 --> 00:24:23,560
This is the last step in the
way of Danny Dyer.
496
00:24:23,600 --> 00:24:25,960
Full integration of the
masculine.
497
00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:28,880
I thought you'd always been
inside me, Danny Dyer.
498
00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:30,839
That was figurative.
499
00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:32,880
Now I'm talking literal, baby.
500
00:24:37,119 --> 00:24:38,398
Oh, yeah!
501
00:24:40,479 --> 00:24:42,240
Individuate me, Danny Dyer.
502
00:24:49,398 --> 00:24:52,479
SHRIEKING: Now who's the
wazzock?
503
00:24:52,520 --> 00:24:54,719
SHE MOANS
504
00:25:02,479 --> 00:25:05,240
We're leaving. Go. But...
505
00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:07,398
Where's Zar? She'll come.
506
00:25:07,439 --> 00:25:10,439
What if she doesn't?
Veena, drive!
507
00:25:13,520 --> 00:25:15,398
We can't leave her, Bern!
508
00:25:15,439 --> 00:25:17,920
It's her hen do. Fine!
509
00:25:19,680 --> 00:25:21,880
Bern? Come on.
510
00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:25,880
Are we going back?
I'm driving!
511
00:25:25,920 --> 00:25:28,280
But you can't drive, Bern.
So what?
512
00:25:28,320 --> 00:25:31,398
All the pedestrians are
already dead!
513
00:25:31,439 --> 00:25:33,920
Get in! She's not coming, Bern.
514
00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:35,759
Then we will leave without her.
515
00:25:35,799 --> 00:25:39,159
Operation Liquid Gold waits
for no man. Bern!
516
00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:41,200
No, no. I'm going back.
517
00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:43,200
Well, I'll leave you, too.
Fine.
518
00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:45,600
You won't. I've got the keys,
mate.
519
00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:48,398
It seems to me YOU'VE gone
a bit Auntie Sandra.
520
00:25:48,439 --> 00:25:50,479
What's going on?
Oh, NOW you want to talk?!
521
00:25:52,119 --> 00:25:53,119
Mm?
522
00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:11,280
All right, mate?
You won't change my mind,
Shell.
523
00:26:11,320 --> 00:26:13,640
My prince is coming.
524
00:26:15,880 --> 00:26:18,719
How long are you going to wait
up here? Till he comes.
525
00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:23,119
You don't think there's a chance
he won't? No.
526
00:26:23,159 --> 00:26:24,600
My Gary's never let me down.
527
00:26:26,839 --> 00:26:29,119
Thing is, he has.
528
00:26:29,159 --> 00:26:30,398
No, he hasn't!
529
00:26:33,479 --> 00:26:34,719
Remember Darren Firepot,
530
00:26:34,759 --> 00:26:36,640
that guy I was seeing a while
back?
The nonce?
531
00:26:36,680 --> 00:26:37,839
He wasn't a...
532
00:26:37,880 --> 00:26:39,640
That's not important.
533
00:26:39,680 --> 00:26:43,759
Thing is, um, I made him up
534
00:26:43,799 --> 00:26:47,000
because I didn't want you to
know who jizzed on my skirt.
535
00:26:49,839 --> 00:26:51,280
Mate...
536
00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:53,960
..I need to tell you who
jizzed on my skirt.
537
00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:55,640
It was... GARY!
538
00:26:55,680 --> 00:26:57,079
Zar! Zar!
539
00:26:58,240 --> 00:27:02,039
It's my Gary! Zar, it's me!
540
00:27:02,079 --> 00:27:04,320
I can't believe I got here.
Gary!
541
00:27:08,280 --> 00:27:11,359
No! It's those pilates bitches!
542
00:27:11,398 --> 00:27:14,719
I can't stop, there's no
brakes!
There's no brakes! GARY!
543
00:27:15,839 --> 00:27:16,839
Zar!
544
00:27:16,880 --> 00:27:20,240
HE GROANS, BRAKES SQUEAL
545
00:27:20,280 --> 00:27:22,439
Gary! Zar!
546
00:27:22,479 --> 00:27:24,240
Zar! Everybody has changed.
547
00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:27,200
Why are they all dressed in
Lycra?
Babe! Zar!
548
00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:30,640
Right, go. No! No!
549
00:27:30,680 --> 00:27:34,280
SHOUTING
550
00:27:34,320 --> 00:27:37,359
Help me! Come on, Gary! No!
551
00:27:37,398 --> 00:27:39,439
Right, we've got him. Zara!
Gary!
552
00:27:43,799 --> 00:27:47,560
No, no. Zar, don't let them
take me!
We'll be in touch.
553
00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:52,320
Gary, Gary!
554
00:27:52,359 --> 00:27:55,520
Well, fuck me sideways.
555
00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:57,479
That's one powerful fanny!
556
00:27:59,640 --> 00:28:02,079
Um, just forget what I was
saying. It's no biggie.
557
00:28:04,119 --> 00:28:06,799
ZARA SOBS
40114
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