All language subtitles for 摩登家庭s8e12

Crap. Crap.

Crappacino.
Charlie Craplin.

In Colombia, when the old man
starts yelling at the mail,

we put them on a sandbar and
wait for the tide to come in.

Well, Delgado's got a doozy
of a Valentine's dilemma.

I texted out feelers
for two dates.

Vicky Noh is top choice,
but Alexa Potts has been doing

this bad-girl thing lately
I'm into.

So, while I wait
for a yes from Noh,

I've got to keep Potts
on the back burner.

Oh, my God.
Is it still talking?

Jay,
that's so rude!

He overthinks
everything.

If you have a shot
at the bad girl, jump.

I don't know.

She has a stepdad who
only pays attention to
her hot older sister.

I will dial
the phone for you.

Ugh.

That was Joe's school.
He's in trouble.

We need to go meet
with the teacher.

What the hell
did he do?

He robbed a bank
and took 18 hostages.

How would I know?
Let's go.

It's a no-go.

Alexa wanted to use
the hot tub tonight,

but apparently can't find
her bathing suit.

If you don't come home smelling
of light beer and chlorine,

do not come home
at all.

**

-- Captions by VITAC --

Uh, honey?

Um...

Whoa.
Happy Valentine's Day,
my love!

Oh, thank you.
Ooh.

I love this.
What is it?

It's the actual porch swing
where we had our first kiss.

No.
Check it out.

The carvings are still
on the back from 25 years ago.

Oh, my gosh.
"Phil hearts Claire."

Oh, honey, this is gonna look
so great out on our porch.

I can't believe you
did this.

It was nothing.
Wow.

I made a few calls,
drove half a day...

Uh-huh.
..had Campari and haggled
with a handsy gay landlord,

took the swing apart,
loaded it in a van,

ran out of gas
in the desert,

got harassed
by a shady state trooper,

and drove back
with a blinding migraine.

But easy-peasy.

I love it.

Knock, knock.
Happy Valentine's Day

or, as I call it,
"the best night

to go to
the grocery store."

And here is your
Valentine's gift.

I wrapped it myself
in the office,

and then, like a dingdong,
I left it there, so...

Whoa, sparkly.

Just like you. That's why
I picked the wrapping.

She sure did.
Yeah. Go ahead.

Claire, I think I know
what this is.

I can't believe
you did this.

I know, right?

You got me
an old watch.

Pretty cool, right?
So cool.

I've got a crazy-good
poker face,

but I didn't love the watch.

I'd been dropping
these big hints

about a pair of genuine
Houdini handcuffs

on sale at a local magic shop.

They're from his famous
Coffin of Cobras Escape of 1923.

The trick was so shocking

that women
went into spontaneous labor

and the men paired off
in violent fighting.

I, uh, don't think
it's working.

Uh...
Oh, well, I mean,

I'm just seeing this watch
for the first time,

but it looks like
it's got a self-winder.

You just move your...
Yeah.

...arm around
to keep it going.

I should probably
get going.

Mother's waiting
in the truck...
Mm-hmm.

...and she's patient
until she isn't.

Oh, and I've got
to get to work, too,

before all
the single gals show up.

It's pretty hard to concentrate
with all the bathroom crying

and the half-eaten chocolates
getting hurled at the wall.

Have a good one.
I will.

Hey.
Hey.

Wow.
Those are nice.

Yeah, they were on
the front porch.

They're from
a mystery admirer.

The card says,
"You don't know your power."

Oh, that's my bad.

I was power-washing
the flagstones

in my old cheer shorts --
They're for me.

Yeah, don't ask who
they're from,

because I don't know,
but I will find out.
Oh.

What happened
to your arm?

Oh, I am winding
an old watch

that your mother gave me
for Valentine's Day.

Oh. That's pretty uneven.
You gave her this awesome swing.

Man, where did mom find a guy
as sweet as you?

Actually, she hit me
with her car

when I was break-dancing
in a KFC parking lot.

And your mother's
not unromantic.

She's just been busy
with work lately.

Well, you've been married
for like 25 years.

What's that supposed
to mean?

You guys are overdue
for the romance

to fizzle out
a little bit.

Oh, well, it's nice to know
that some dime-store posies

from an unnamed stalker
have made you an expert
on matters of the heart.

It so happens that your mother
is still very romantic,

which I will prove
with a surprise visit

to her office
this afternoon.

Let me guess --
you built this inside

and didn't measure
the door?

Card was right.
You don't know your own power...

to be mean.

Thank you so much
for helping us out.

Ah, yeah.
Rainer has work, anyways.

He does this
Valentine's Day thing

where he tracks Cupid
on the radar.
Aww, cute.

Oh, and Lily gets to stay up
a little later tonight

because she had
a big-girl moment at school.

Yes, this boy Jagger --
'cause that's a name now --

teased her and she told him off
in front of everybody.

And we're proud of you
because you used your words.

She used our words.
We wrote her a little speech.

She really told
that kid off good.

Our society encourages women
to be unassertive,

so we need to do
everything we can to --
to really empower Lily.

We may not get women,

but that allows us
to really get women.

We may not hook up
with women,

but we really
understand women.

I think it was clear
when I said that.

So, what's with this whole
"going out early" thing.

Well, it's been forever since
we've had a date-night out,

and so we made a little list
of the six things

that we love to do
but never get to do.

Ugh, pathetic.

Okay, we get to say that,
not you.

No, no, no,
it's Dylan.

He texts me every
Valentine's Day
begging to hook up.

Oh, that is sad.

I know.
It almost never works.

All right,
you old bags,

put your teeth in,
you're taking me out.

Sal, what are you
doing here?

It's Valentine's Day and
my new German boyfriend,
Werner, is out of town,

and I don't like
to drink alone.

The first part's true.

Well, actually,
we have plans.

Aw, but now you have
better plans.

Fausta here
can babysit Sammy

and General Tsour
over there.

Sammy, tell your guncles hello
like I taught you.

Enchanté.

Ahh!
What am I looking
at here?

I'm raising him gay.

Tell Uncle Mitchell what you
think about those pants.

Tragic.

Oh, it's sticking!

So, come on.
Let's go.
Uh...

Hey, if she's watching
the kids,

I don't want to be
a fourth wheel,

so I'll just come
and join you three.

That -- That sounds great.
Ahh!

Mitchell, can I talk to you
over by the fireplace?

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, so what about
our plans?
Look, you know Sal.

She's not gonna leave
until we agree to this.

So, look, we'll just get the two
of them drinking.

They won't even notice
when we slip away

and, you know,
get back to our list.

That's a good plan.
Yeah.

You know what?

I didn't even want to do
number one anyway.

It makes me feel dirty
and ashamed.

Okay, well, bye-bye,
Cheesecake Factory.

Wow. All right.

I asked you guys
to come in today

because Joe has given me

a very, um, inappropriate
Valentine's Day gift.

I assume that he got
this from home?

Ms. Clarke,
I am so sorry.

I'm sure that Joe doesn't
even know what he was doing.

Oh.

Looks like I'm finally gonna
get to fight with one son

over the Sports Illustrated
swimsuit issue.

Jay,
this is not funny.

I come from a very long line
of overly sexy men.

My cousin Ricardo,
he had a sex addition.

You mean "addiction."

Uh, yeah, sorry.

He built an addiction
onto his house

for making love
to his many girlfriends.

Well,
Joe just needs to know

that this type of gift
is not okay.

And you're right,
and I'm gonna talk to him.

Did I do
something wrong?

You did take something

out of your mom's drawer
without asking.

But I'm gonna give you
a pass on that one.

The thing is,
the gift was inappropriate.

Well, you give underpants
to mom.

True.

You do it every year.

Look, you can give
that kind of thing

to your wife
or your girlfriend.

But it's a little bit different
when it's your teacher, okay?

Fine. Can I go back
to the quiet room now?

I already missed
half of my nap.

You know how I get.

Sure.
Go ahead.

Everything's squared away.

Ms. Clarke,
sorry for the trouble.

May I have that back?

Oh, my gosh.
I'm sorry.

I didn't know that real humans
could have these dimensions.

Thanks.
Thank you.

Oops.

I seem to have dropped
my spare hotel key.

Phil --
Shh.

No need to call
whoever this Phil is.

You're in no danger.

This key is to room 422
at the Ramada down the street.

Slip out when you can.

I'll pre-disable
the smoke detectors

so you don't set it off
when you shimmy out

of those sensible
wide-leg trousers.

For the past several
Valentine's,

we've adopted sexy alter egos --

Juliana,
wild and spontaneous,

and Clive, passionate collector
of beautiful women

and antique sailing maps.

Clive,
I love this id--

Shh.

Save that energy,
my dear.

This hotel has
a very short memory

and a very long
outdoor staircase.

Claire, you have to finish
signing these contracts.

Hey, Phil.

Phil? No.

Name's Clive, friend.

Say, maybe you could
take over here for a bit.

I'll make sure the boss lady's

back in one piece
no later than --

Oh, come on.

Hi, Phil.
It's Clive, actually.

Apparently they have a thing
like how you and your sister

go to those conventions
dressed like stuffed animals.

Oh. Uh, Claire, your 2:00
is here and you can't be late.

Phil, look,
I really appreciate this. I do.

It's just that --
So,
I spoke to the florist.

Turns out my admirer sent these
from Pritchett's Closets.

I may have a sad love life,
but I don't need my mommy

trying to boost
my self-esteem.

And if you really want
to give me some confidence,

how about a picture of me
on your desk,

and not just
Haley and Luke.

First of all,
I didn't give you those flowers.

Second of all,
there is a picture of you.

Where is it?
Mm-hmm.

Salutations.

Yes, hello.

I've got a meeting.

Ben, you're gonna finish
the contract stuff.

Margaret,
you're gonna take Alex.

You're gonna find out

who's using our account
for flowers, okay?

Phil, honey,

we'll do Valentine's Day
later, okay?

Do I know that guy
in the cloak?

Ah, hinge specialist.
You might've seen him around.

He's the guy for offbeat swivels
and rare-beveled hook joints.

I find everything you just said
very titila--

Shh.

We'll make up for this later
over dinner, I promise.

I've got it all planned.

This whole Clive thing
wasn't even necessary.

Claire was taking me out
to dinner all along.

Romance strong as ever.

Margaret,
get a reservation

for me and Phil tonight,
anywhere.

I've got too much going on
to even think about it.

Werner is great.

You know, he's a rich musician,
tours a lot, no strings.

Well, um...

...this has been fun,
but we should, uh...

You're not going anywhere,
Carrot Bottom.

Oh, my God.
Is that Rainer?

Why is he with
another woman?

That sounds cheat-y.

That's Haley's
weatherman boyfriend.

Sorry, Hale.
We need to leave.

No, you got to go
confront him.

Mm.
I'm upset.
I've had a couple drinks. No.

Okay.

So, what's it like
touring the world

with other
Canadian acrobats?
What?

We just assumed you were
a member of Cirque du Soleil.

Yup, because you're
bending over backwards

to avoid standing up
for yourself.

And setting
a good example

for other women.
For other women.

You both were
thinking that?

Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

Fine.
Finally.

I was beginning to think
she was weaker

than Mitchell's jawline.

Everyone knows why
you grew that thing.

Okay, this coming from the woman
who -- who won't admit

that she's upset that her
boyfriend abandoned her

on Valentine's Day.

Oh, and didn't you
just get back from learning

how to plant corn
with the Indians?

Because you look, to us,
like an early settler.
Settler.

We're saying
that you settle.

You practice this at home,
don't you?

We do not.

Now, I knew it couldn't be
angels bowling, so --

I thought you were
working today.

And didn't we agree that you
never wear that sweater again?

My...
Excuse me.

We're kind of on a date
right now.

Uh, Haley.
Oh, save it, you lying,

cheating,
middle-aged pointer.

That's what you do, you know --
you point.

You point for your money!
We are done!

Happy Valentine's Day.

Oh.

My hair.

Oh, that was crazy

and great and awful
and I don't know what to do.

I'm just gonna go home.
What?! No!
I like you now.

Werner has a yacht
with a full bar. Let's go.

I'm not letting you go home
in this mood.

Yes.
Okay, well, you know,
that sounds kind of like

a girl thing, so...

Oh, okay,
if that's Rainer calling

to make excuses,
don't answer.

It's just pathetic Dylan
trying to hook up again.

Let me handle this.
Hey, Boo Boo.

Well,
another woman empowered.

It's what we do.
Yes, it is.

Okay, back to the list.

Oh, wait one second.
It's Lily.

Hey, honey.
Is everything okay?

Jagger was very hurt
by our speech.

Well...

She didn't answer
his texts

'cause we told her
not to.

Good.

He ran away.
He did?

People are forming
a human chain

to search for him
in the woods.

Okay, honey, well,
we'll be home soon, all right?

Do you think we have some
responsibility

in this Jagger situation?

Ah...no. No.

They -- They chose to build
near the woods.

Good advice
is good advice, okay?

That's right.
You guys,
where's Haley?

Um, She is on a boat
in the marina,

putting you
in her rearview mirror.

Boats have those,
don't they?
I think so.

You guys,
I was only letting that woman

think we were on a date

because she runs
a celebrity site

that buys photos from paparazzi,
okay?

I was trying to get one
of me back

because Haley is in it
and this is the photo.

No. God, no.
Oh, my gosh.

Bedhead, sneeze face,
and UGG slippers?

And now Haley's not answering
my calls

and somehow I'm supposed to
smile through a weather report

in 15 minutes?

Pull yourself together,
Rainer.

You're a weatherman.

Do you think
our advice --

Sucked?
Yes. Yes.

We need to get to
that boat

before Haley hooks up
with Dylan.

She wouldn't do
something that stupid.

Did you see the UGGs?

Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mom, I'm home.

We got valentines.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Kewley.
Is the party over?

We had an incident.

Your son gave
my Bailey

a very strange
Valentine's gift.

I am so sorry.

Didn't your father talk to you
about this already?

Yeah, and he said it's okay
to give it to a girlfriend.

We're going. And Bailey
is certainly not his girlfriend.

She would be lucky!

Is that Bailey?

'Cause I think Joe
has a little thing for her.

Yeah, he did have
a little thing for her.

It's here.
He did it again.

I knew I shouldn't have trusted
you talking to him,

because you will let him get
away with murder

because he's a mini you
and you like it.

And you know
what's worse?

That you're so mean
to Manny

because he's different
than you.

First off,
Joe is not a mini me.

Crap. Crapola.
Crapinski.

Well, maybe a little,
and maybe I kind of like it.

But why would you want
to knock the Jay out of Joe?

Instead of one trophy,
you get two.

Ugh.

Okay, thank God.

Oh, gosh,
there she is.

Hi.
Hey.

What are you guys
doing here?

Need a sailor to cross off
number four

on that Valentine's Day
list of yours? Was that mean?

I've been around Sal,
I've lost my filter.

You know what?
We all make mistakes.

Which is a-a funny thing
to remember

when we tell you about
a very funny misunderstanding.

Cameron, Mitchell,
what a pleasant surprise.

Sal, you okay?
You seem not yourself.

Yeah, I feel like
you used to blink.

I took your advice.
Called Werner.

Told him I wasn't going
to settle.

How did that --

How -- How did that go?

He was thinking that we might be
something special,

and then I gave him
the ultimatum,

and he said, "Maybe
we're not actually meant to be."

I don't know what's happening.
S-Sal, w-what are you doing?

Straightening up.

You know,
a place for everything...

No.
...everything in its place.

Hey,
what about this?

This was actually salvaged
from the Bismarck.

Oh.
Oh, wow.

That's --
Ah!

Why are you helping?

Feels good.
Men suck.

No, no,
n-not all men, okay?

We -- We just talked to Rainer,
and, um, that wasn't a date.

What?!

Okay,
why did you break that?

'Cause now I'm mad
at you!

You made me
break up with him!

Oh, my God. Now I have to call
Rainer -- and Dylan.

Um...

Oh, Sal, sweetie...
Sal, you gotta --

...you're spilling there.

Lift it, lift it.
Oh, clumsy, clumsy.

I'll just make it all
go away.

No!
We are still on board.
No, Sal.

We are sorry
we made you call Werner.

We didn't
know that that was gonna happen.

So you have to understand
that you

Mitchell
you want to step in here?

I'm getting dizzy.

I am --

Stop it!
Okay, no more.

No more matches.
No more matches.

Okay, what --
I don't know what to do.

Okay, well,
maybe we should just...

Werner's precious
Tony Award.

He keeps in at sea
as the ultimate aphrodisiac.

For women?

Auf Wiedersehen,
Award for Best Orchestration.

Oh, my God.
No. Sal, Sal.

Haley, help.
No.

I will not tell
your gay son

that you threw a Tony
into the ocean.

Give it to me!
No!

Aah!

Oh, my God.
Did she fall in?

No.
I've got her right here.

Sal, we are so sorry.

If it wasn't for our
stupid advice,

you would've left things alone
and things might've been okay.

Shut up!
Okay, okay.

That cold water woke me up
to the hard truth --

I'm smart,
I'm beautiful,

I'm legendary in bed,
yet I do settle.

I mean, Werner
is not good enough for me.

I mean, I get why you two idiots
settled.

This is the best
you're gonna do, right here.

You're perfectly
matched.

Aww.

Well, it's kind of sweet
when you look at it that way.

Yeah.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Yeah,
Happy Valentine's Day.

Shut up.
Read a room, poofs.

Hey. Margaret said
you keep the phone records.

Why?
What do you need them for?

I'm still trying to find out
who sent me those flowers.

You keep them in here?
No, don't.

Don't.

Ben, why do you have this photo
of me in your desk drawer?

I think someone's
pranking me, probably.

I'm gonna go.
Okay.

Wait, look.
I sent the flowers, okay?

When you temped here
last summer,

I became tempted
by your charms.

Well, thank you,
but aren't you like 40?

What? I'm 26.

I -- I had a SweeTART addiction
when I was a kid

and I permanently damaged
my collagen.

Wow. I've been in a series
of bizarre,

shame-filled
relationships.

You work for my mother.
You still live at home.

Look at all those medications.
Kiss me.
What?

Whoa.
Okay, that was very cool,

but you should know that I have
dedicated my life to closets,

I am obsessed
with your grandfather,

and I sleep with a body pillow
that I put a nightgown on.

Stop,
you're making it better.

Here you go.
Busy night, sir.

I assume
you have a reservation?

Yes.
My wife made it.

She kind of dropped the ball
on my gift,

but she came through with a
table at the legendary Enrico's.

I'm sorry, sir.
Enrico's is a couple doors down.

So, just yourself?

Uh, no, I'll be meeting
my wife tonight.

That's the spirit.

What'd I miss?

This overpaid bum
missed a putt.

I'm supposed
to not like this.

Well,
call me an idiot, Jay.

Sure enough, Alexa and I did
end up in a hot tub together.

But around her third beer,

I suggested she have some water
to stay hydrated.

She tried to shut me up
by kissing me,

which I liked, but she kept
calling me Travis.

Oh, my God!
Is it still talking?!

Joe, you don't ever disrespect
your brother like that.

And no more giving underwear
to little girls, or anyone else,

'cause it's creepy
and European.

Now go to your room.

It's fun when your kids
get your best qualities,

but it's a kick in the gut

when they pick up stuff
you hate about yourself.

I saw that ugly,
impatient part of me

coming out of my adorable son.

In fairness, that adorable part
also came from me.

We both got my mom's crab-apple
cheeks and pillow lips.

Hi, honey.
I'm sorry I'm late.

We had a whole incident --
Mwah --

at the warehouse,
a paint mixer blew up.

Luckily I had these overalls
in my office I could...

Oh, you're mad,
aren't you?

Mad?

I mean, was this the best
Valentine's Day

we've ever had? no.

Was it the worst?
Yes.

I gave you a great gift.

I tried to surprise you
at the office.

You repaid the effort
by making a reservation

at a truck stop and dressing up
like Tom Sawyer.

But hey, maybe this happens
to everyone, Claire.

Romance fizzles.
Magic dies.

At least we can mark the exact
time it happened to us,

thanks to my new watch,

which only a switchboard
operator from the 1950s

could keep wound.

You mean this watch?

The Houdini handcuffs.

I've been taking magic lessons
as a Valentine's surprise.

Wait a minute. The supposed
hinge salesman at your office.

The Great Majesto.

Of course.
I didn't recognize him

without his floor-length robe
covered in question marks.

And we also really do have
a reservation

at that really nice place
down the street.

So, we should probably
get your check.

Excuse me.
Can we get the check?

But are you really dressed
for...

So wonderful.
I can't...

Mwah.

Come on, honey.
We should get going.

Wait, uh,
do you have the key?

No.
But you do.

I don't deserve you.

Honey, you gave me a V.D.
I will carry with me always.

Let's say
"Valentine's Day."

You know, I never thought
you'd beat my gift, but you did.

Oh, honey.

I'm beginning to think
that mine

was a swing and a miss.

Hardly.
Yours was fantastic.

But how about a swing
with a miss?

You are killing it
today!
I know!

Did you cover
that again?

I didn't.
That's weird.

What the hell?

I transported it
to the porch.

You're welcome.

I didn't ask him
to do that...

or tell him
where we live.