All language subtitles for After Youve Gone.s01e06.Lets Get Quizzical

# After you've gone
and left me crying

# After you've gone,
there's no denying

# Some day when you grow lonely

# Your heart will break like mine
and you'll want me only

# After you've gone,
after you've gone away. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

BONGING

OK, settle down, settle down.

And finally, in first place
with a whopping 50 points...

The Scissor Sisters!

CHEERING

And in last place, once again,

Jimmy Venables,
Painters and Decorators!
For a free quote call 0207 496 0696.

Ladies, come and get your money.

Oh, well, can't win 'em all.

We don't win any.

Statistically even a team of
baboons should have won by now...
or at least written Hamlet.

Oh, sorry boys, looks like
you won the booby prize, again.

You know, they really should
call that something different.

It always gets my hopes up.

Yeah I make that, um,
ten losses in a row.

Well, if you say so, we really
haven't been counting.

# We are the champions,
my friends... #

I've been thinking...

It's a bit late for that now.

Where were you when the quiz was on?

What we need,

what we need is some brainbox on our
team and you know who you could ask.

I'll give you a clue.

Her name starts with Di,
ends with Anna.

How will I ever crack that code.

Come on, Diana's a teacher.

There's nothing teacher's don't know,
except what to do with a little
boy who liked to eat wood.

It was just a phase.

So what do you think?

Let me give you a clue.

It begins with an N
and ends with an O.

Give me another letter.

Oh, come on Steve,
who doesn't like a pub quiz?

Well, yeah apart from you
apparently.

They have free nibbles...

It's Jimmy...

Jimmy Venables.

You sold me a car
about three years ago...

Hello?

Why don't you ask Gran
to go to the quiz?

Believe me, Alex, I will never be
desperate enough to ask your gran.

OK, then take me.
I'm ace at quizzes.

Really? Yeah. And don't worry
about the under-age thing,

I'll just papier-mache my face
to look like an 85-year-old.

Diana...

how about you do me a favour?

How about you doing me one? Go away.

Oh, for goodness sake, Jimmy,
even small dogs know that "follow"
is the opposite of "go away".

No, I was just gonna say that,
erm, well, you needn't cook
dinner for us all tonight.

Really? Yes, well, you've been
working yourself sick between school
and running after the kids.

What are you up to?

Do I have to be up to something
when I enquire about your welfare?

Yes. You're right.

Kev and I are a man down
for the pub quiz tonight. And?

And I'm turning to you
because you are the cleverest
and most well read person I know.

And?

And...you're our only chance
to avoid another humiliating defeat.

Good answers.

I'll come along
but I have a couple of conditions.

Number one, you buy all the drinks...

Fine. Number two, I can leave the
instant I stop having a good time.

No problem. Number three,
you split the winnings with me.

Half for me and half for you and
whoever else. Now wait a minute.
Take it or leave it.

This is exactly why I
didn't ask you earlier,
I knew you'd lord it over me.

Of course I'll lord it over you,
but I suppose the real question

you have to ask yourself
is how much do you want to win?

Thank you. No problem.

Welcome aboard, Diana.

Oh, no, we'll have to move,
I'm not at the correct angle
to the quiz master.

You are aware that this is
a pub quiz, and not musical chairs?

I'm not having a good time. ..Fine.

Hi, Jimmy, ready to get thrashed?

What a vulgar woman.

Excuse me, that's my girlfriend
you're talking about.

What a vulgar, misguided woman.

Hello, Diana, I didn't expect
to see you in a pub. If only
I could say the same for you, dear.

BONGING

Evening, welcome, everyone,
to this week's pub quiz.

Stand by for the first round.

OK, listen up.

If we're gonna be a team, we've
gotta start acting like a team.

Everyone has got their part to play.

Kev, don't speak.

Diana, answer all the questions.

Round one, popular culture,
question one.
Who had a Top Ten hit with Horny?

Oh, Eleanor of Aquitaine.

Ignore him - he says that every
time. It worked on Millionaire.

Art Garfunkel?

It's gonna be a long night.

BONGING

OK, all the answer sheets are in
and it appears we have a tie
for first place,

between the Scissor Sisters and...

Jimmy Venables, Painters and
Decorators, for a free quote call...

I'm sorry, Jimmy,
I'm not doing that.

Yes! We haven't won anything yet.

No!

OK, you all know the rules
for the tie-breaker - one question,
one answer, sudden death.

OK, this is it, this is our time.

Now, are we gonna scurry home
with our tails between our legs

or are we gonna give
a jumped-up bunch of hairdressers
something to cry about?

Them lot are going down quicker
than a hooker with a bad hip.

How repulsive, yet how true.

Here comes the tie-break question.

What is the capital
of the Republic of Congo?

Kinshasa.

I'm sorry, Diana, that is the wrong
answer. No! You're wrong. I am not.

You're wrong.
The quiz book clearly states...

Then the quiz book was wrong.
The quiz book can't be wrong.

Why can't it? Hold on, you can't
challenge the quiz book.
Oh, can't I?

Well, let me tell you what's not in
your quiz book - Kinshasa, formerly

known as Leopoldville was founded by
Henry Morton Stanley in 1881, and
has remained the capital ever since,

through independence, through civil
strife right up to the present day.
And what does your little book say?

Brazzaville. Really?
And has every question

in this so-called quiz book
been checked and verified by

experts in the field to
which each question pertains?

I challenge you, sir, that this
is a shabbily put-together quiz book,

published without any consideration
for the truth and I say this quiz
book is wrong, quite simply wrong!

OK, fine, you win.

Yes, ha! In your face...!

# Ba-der-dee-bam,
de-bam, bam, bam! #

Bobby, why did you give in
to that awful woman?

Siobhan, it's only a game.

She scares me, all right?

TV IS ON

DOOR OPENS

# Da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da... #

I wonder how they did.

# Da-da-da-da... #

Let me guess, you won?

Today the world is a little brighter
than it was yesterday because today

I proved that I am cleverer
than a bunch of hairdressers.

Yes, children, your father's
an intellectual giant -

he managed not to dribble for the
entire duration of the quiz...almost.

Although credit where credit's due,
your gran did help out a little bit.

She was the only person who
could name the capital of
the Republic of Congo. Er...

Brazzaville.

What, what did I say?

It's Kinshasa. No, though
it's an easy mistake to make.

Shut up Alex,
she's giving you the look.

Brazzaville's the capital of the
Republic of Congo, Kinshasa is

the capital of the Democratic
Republic of Congo. You're wrong.

No, we studied it in school.

You're wrong!

Run, Alex,

run as fast as your legs
can carry you.

Good morning, children,
and what a fine morning it is.

Are you still gloating
about the pub quiz?

Oh, yes.

Oh, this gloat's gonna
last all week.

Oh, which reminds me...

No, shh! Daddy's got to
make a very important call.

Hello Siobhan...? Ha ha ha ha!

You wait till she checks
her voice mails.

Oh, has your gran not come round
yet? No. She was probably

up all night trying to find a map
that will prove her right,
maybe something from her childhood.

A simpler time
when the earth was flat.

Morning, Diana.

Oh, sorry, Gran, we had breakfast
without you. Yes, whatever.

Well, it wasn't what you call
a proper breakfast, you know,

just a few stale bacon
rinds and some seeds.

Basically whatever I could
find on the bird table.

You know, Alex, there are
more important things in life
than breakfast.

She doesn't love us any more.
You haven't stopped caring about us
going to school as well, have you?

Worth a try. See you later.
See you, then.

I'm just texting Siobhan.

How many L's in humiliation?

I'm afraid I've got some bad news.

There's no easy way to say this...
Then don't, I'm in too good a mood.

Oh, as long as you're in a good mood,
you, you, you.

Don't be so selfish,
this is about ME.

I shall leave you to it, then.

It appears that last night, in
the final question of the pub quiz...

I was wrong.

HE LAUGHS

Fine, have your petty derisive laugh,
but I hope you realise
just what this means.

Yes, that you're human
like the rest of us.

Don't be ridiculous.

It means we won
under false pretences.

And we're going to have that on
our consciences for the rest
of our lives, but somehow we're

gonna have to get through the day,
speaking of which, I'm off to work.

I'm going to have to give
back the money.

What did you just say?

A win is not a win
unless it's deserved.

Where do you get these ideas?

A win is a win, is a win is a win,
key word - "win".

And what sort of example
is that setting for the children?

It's the best kind of example, when
life smiles at you, smile right
back and say "Thank you".

Well, I'm returning my share
of the money after school and

if you've no conscience and you want
to keep your share of the ill-gotten
gains, on your own head be it.

OK. Oooh, I could buy a hat.

Ah, there you are.

I've thrown that
accursed quiz book away, I swear.

I haven't come about the quiz book,
I've come to return the money.

Oh, may I ask why?

It seems we won under
false pretences. Really?

I'm afraid to say that, um...
Jimmy cheated.

Mobile phone under the table.

Classic ruse,
but I found him out in the end.

Well, thank goodness there are still
some honest people around.

Yes, quite. Thank you.

Blast!

Hi, Bobby. Long day?

Slow day, I'm knocking off early.

Well, this'll perk you up.

What's this? Ask HER.

Hello, Diana. Now, as you know
there was some debate about
the answer to the final question.

Oh, you WERE wrong.

No, my answer was correct,
the question was wrong.

Yeah, whatever.
Well, you wouldn't have got it right,

you probably think the Congo
is something you do at a party.

Well, aren't you the charmer?

No, thank you. Oh, for goodness'
sake, take it, it's yours.

I don't want your guilt money,
especially when you go out
of your way to insult me.

It isn't out of my way.
Now just take it.

If you weren't such
an uptight know-it-all
you might be able to have some fun.

What, like you,
an uncouth hairdresser without

even the common sense to steer
well clear of someone like Jimmy?

See, that didn't hurt now, did it?

Bobby, I'm buying Diana a drink.

No, Bobby, I'm buying HER a drink.

Any chance you could
stop being a bossy cow?

Only if you could stop
being a gobby madam.

So this is why
they call it happy hour.

AMERICAN ACCENT: Hi, honey,
I'm home.

Oh, that's right, no-one cares.

No, no, Cheryl Tweedy is the
moonfaced one in Girls Aloud, Cheryl
Baker presented Record Breakers.

Isn't Cheryl Baker in Gin Fizz?

Yeah, it's Bucks Fizz
and yes, she was, but you're better
off not knowing about that.

Hi, Jimmy.

Hello, James.

Hello, Siobhan...

Hello Diana,

nice to see you... both...

..here...together.

What is going on in there?!

Ah, they staggered in almost two
hours ago singing I Will Survive,
they've been chatting ever since.

Close your eyes
and Gran is Gloria Gaynor.

Shut your ears and it's even better.

My God, I didn't even think of this.

What, it's just two people
getting along.

At first it's just two people
getting along,

then they start making plans to do
things, they start chatting on

the phone and then sharing little
secrets, analysing every little
detail of my life until before long

I'm thrown out of the house,
I'm living above a chip shop
and I only see my kids at weekends.

Dad...?

And you're back.

Now, the thing you have to remember
about Paris Hilton is that
she doesn't know she's a silly cow.

So...

What's going on? Nothing,
just a bit of girl talk, that's all.

Girl talk,
what like boys and make-up?

Yes, Jimmy because we're 12.

Now show us yer willy.

It HAS got a name, you know.

Too much information.

Come and sit down, don't be scared.
I'm not scared.

Although it does feel like Freddie
Krueger's just licked my ear.

For goodness sake, it's quite
simple. I went down to the pub

to return the quiz money,
met Siobhan, we insulted one another,
got drunk, came back here.

She didn't slip anything
in your drink, did she?

No, I've been talking Diana through
the intricacies of celebrity.

Did you know that today's celebrities
lead lives as sordid and complicated

as any character Dickens would
have ever dreamt up?

For instance, Siobhan's been telling
me about poor Britney Spears.

I call it From Trailer Trash
to Trash, the Britney Spears Story.

Oh, that's great. Oh, Siobhan,
shall we go to the pictures,

there's that new Sandra Bullock film
on - I know I'm dying to see it.

Yeah, that sounds great.

Diana, why don't you come along?
Ooh, have we got time
for the pictures, though?

It's OK, we're having fun here.
Yeah.

OK.

Well, I'll just go upstairs,

run a bath, slash my wrists.

OK, then.

So after she had sex with him, her
husband threw her out of the house
and wouldn't let her see her son,

so they went off together, had
another child, then he left her
so she throws herself under a train.

So Anna Karenina
is a bit like Pat Butcher?

I'm sorry to break up the party,
ladies, but there's a pair of
very hungry children upstairs.

Who let THEM in?!

Diana, have you seen the time?

The children are literally faint
with hunger.

Oh, do stop overreacting, why
don't you order them a takeaway?

Oh, you've changed your tune. When
I want a takeaway, it's "Oh, haven't
you heard of childhood obesity?"

and yet it's doner kebabs all round
when you're hitting the Lambrini.

A takeaway once in a while
won't do them any harm.

I'll remind you of that
when we're winching the children
out of bed every morning.

Why don't we just leave them
in bed and lob processed chicken
nuggets down their gullets?

Or even better, we could hook them
up to an intravenous lard drip.

Any excuse not to pick up the phone.

Tell me about it, he never rings
when he says he's going to.

You think that's annoying, wait till
you have to watch him wander round
looking for his keys every morning,

until he realises once again
they're in his pocket.

Oh, the pockets with the holes?!
You have no idea what

it's like to go out with a man who
looks so much like a tramp, people
assume you're his charity worker!

I am still here, you know.

Unfortunately,
so are your dreadful clothes.

All right that's it, kids, come on!
We're going for a pizza.

Oh, pizza, bring us
some back, will you?

Don't forget the jalapenos this time.

I thought I was the only person
in the world
who likes jalapenos on pizza.

And here there are two of you,
how lovely.

Why don't you just get a room?

Great meal, Dad. Pleasure.

Come on, let's get to bed.

I'm in the bathroom first.

Night, Dad. Goodnight, you two.

What are you doing here?!

Me?! This is my room, Diana.

Didn't you read the note
I left on the fridge?

No, and I really should read
the fridge before I go to bed.

Buy milk, defrost chicken,
old trout in bed.

Pickled trout actually,
I'm over the limit.

Oh, so you crawl into MY bed.

Well, you might be that drunk,
but I'm not.

Oh, you repulsive little man, get
out of here, or I'll call the police.

This is my... Fine.

Great.

Hi, babe, I had a few too many,
so Diana invited me to stay.

What is this?
There's more drunk women in here
than Cardiff City centre.

Why are you so grumpy?
I thought I'd surprise you!

Yeah, well, Diana got there first.
But a different sort of surprise!

Siobhan, my kids are upstairs.
Oh, that's OK, I'll just leave
out the theatrics this time.

Right that's it,
I'm driving you home.

Some things are inappropriate,

like shorts on men over 35,

pineapple on pizza
and jumpers on dogs.

Fine...

And then to top it all, I had
to sleep all night in the van.

What did you sleep in there for?

Oh, sometimes a man's just got to
go off by himself and think.

Ah, what did you think about?

Well, at first I thought about
getting a new heater for the van,

then I thought about Diana -
my inviting her to the pub
has had cosmic implications.

Right.

Well, things were fine
the way they were, you know?

There was my house and kids on one
hand, Siobhan and my friends
on the other.

Two separate worlds that should
never be mingled. Why not?

Because it's all wrong, that's why!

It's like Frodo Baggins
running around Narnia.

Now that's just sick.

Bobby,
what do you think I should do?

I don't know, maybe you should
text someone for the right answer.

For God's sake, I didn't cheat
in your pub quiz.

It's not what I heard.

See, this is what Diana does,
she poisons people against me.

I've seen all this before, you know.

How do you think my marriage broke
up? Maybe you had a tendency
to be a drunken waste of space.

On the surface maybe.

Come on, Jimmy, we've all been to
the pub and got drunk and ended up
going home with some minger.

By the time they sober up,
they'll have forgot they ever met.

What about this one? Oh,
it looks like someone's died in it.

I quite agree, even the dishrag
pile's too good for it. This one?

Burn it.

What are you doing with
Dad's clothes?
We're giving them all to Oxfam.

Although the needy do have taste.

What are you doing here anyway,
you don't live here, you know?

Molly, apologise immediately!

It's all right...

Right, I was being stroppy before
you were even born so I suggest

you drop the attitude and tell me
what's crawled up your backside?

God, you're rude.

I'm a hairdresser,
I have to be polite to people
all day long - this is MY time.

My mum is coming back, you know,
so you can't just take her place.

Yeah, no offence, but um,
I'd rather chew off my own arm
than become part of this family.

We're glad to hear it.
Look whatever goes on between me

and your dad he's always made it
clear that you and Alex come first.

Really? Yes, what do you think?

So I suggest you shut up and come
and help us sort through
your dad's skanky old clothes.

It would probably be quicker
to hire a skip.

He wore this on his wedding day -
I still have nightmares. Oooh...

Molly, sweetheart,
walk towards Daddy.

Just step away from the bad ladies.

Relax, Dad, we're just throwing away
some of your sad clothes.
I mean, hello?

I wear all this stuff,
I like all this stuff.

Just because you like it, doesn't
make it right. Why are you nagging
me? You never used to nag me.

No, I've always nagged you,
you just don't listen.

I'm sorry, I'm confused, are you
performing a play of some kind?

Just drop the act, Diana.

Do you really expect me
to believe you had one drink
and suddenly just got on?

Well, yeah, that's exactly
what happened.

You have nothing in common
with each other.

And how would you know?

Because I know you both.

Diana, are you seriously expecting
me to believe that you like Siobhan?

She's absolutely everything
you hate in a woman.

She's loud, she's common,
she swears, she drinks,

she wears tarty clothes and to top
it all off, she's a hairdresser.

Are you seriously expecting me
to believe that you like
somebody like that?

Siobhan, I didn't mean...
Don't say anything else.

I was talking about
what Diana likes, not what I like.

All those things, the drinking,
the swearing, the tarty clothes
- that's what I like about you.

Come on, Jimmy, you don't really
expect me to believe that, do you?

Nice one, Dad!

Have you seen Jimmy lately?

Jimmy? Which Jimmy's that then?

Jimmy Saville? Jimmy Carter?
Wee Jimmy Krankie?

BONGING

Ladies and gentlemen, I know
this isn't pub quiz night
but I have a very special treat.

Finally, a karaoke machine! No!

A special pub quiz,
devised and presented
by our very own Jimmy Venables.

Boo! Sssss!

Fingers on buzzers, everyone.

Buzzers? What buzzers?
Where's the buzzers, Bobby?
Kev, just shout the answer out, OK?

Question one, who cheers me up
when I've had a hard day?

Eleanor of Aquitaine!

The correct answer is Siobhan.

Question two.

Who is so much more than I deserve,
mainly because I'm a prat who can't
keep his feet out of his own mouth?

Eleanor of Aquitaine.
Sophie Raworth.

No. Siobhan.

Question three, who can mess
with any part of my life

because whatever she does,
she can only make it better?

Eleanor of Aquitaine? Margot Kidder?
Betty Turpin from Coronation Street.

Siobhan, for God's sake!

Can you forgive me?
Is this part of the quiz?

Yes, and I'm going
to have to hurry you.

Ah, well, OK,
give me a moment to confer.

Ladies?

Come on, prat, let's go.

Is the correct answer!

Oh, er, Bobby...

Oh, wait a minute,
one more question.

Who was married to Louis VII
of France, Henry II of England
and died in the year 1204?

That's a tough one, that.

# After you've gone -
and left me crying

# After you've gone -
there's no denying

# Some day when you get lonely

# Your heart will break like mine
for you'll want me only

# After you've gone

# After you've gone away. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk