All language subtitles for After Youve Gone.s01e04.Ripped Off

There you go, lads.
Fresh from the warehouse.

My brother said sorry for the delay
but he had to wait
till the tides were right.

These are new, right? Yeah, yeah.

Box-fresh, as requested.

So at least the boxes are new.

And these are genuine designer -

not fake?

Cos Molly's very particular
about this sort of thing. Of course.

Only, the last pair we got from
you appeared to be made by "Puba".

Relax!
Nige swore on our mother's life that
these are new, unworn and designer.

Kev?

She'll grow into that one.

Blast!

Have you lost something, Diana?

I can't find next year's timetable.
I spent a whole week drawing it up.

Poor you.

So where was it when you lost it?

If I knew where it was when I lost
it, it wouldn't be lost, would it?

Ooh! Someone woke up
on the wrong side of no-one.

Better no-one than ANYONE, dear.

Ah, Mrs Neil.
Good morning, Miss Murray.

Good morning, Mr Charlesworth.

I wonder, have you finished
the timetable yet? Of course I have.

Then she lost it. The grown-ups
are talking, Miss Murray.

It's either at my daughter's house,
my house...

or I might have left it on the bus,
I suppose.

You left it on the bus.

How many times have I heard that one?

You'll be telling me next
the dog ate it. I haven't got a dog.

That was a joke.

Oh, I see. Well done!

So, I'll have that timetable
by the weekend? Absolutely.

You'll have it long before then.

If not, I could always do it.

It's the timetable for the entire
school, dear - not a pasta collage.

Could I borrow a tenner? No.

Only, I want to go and buy
a pair of terrapins.

Oh, well, you should have said!

..No!

I'll let you be their godmother.

The earphone's going back in now.

DOOR SLAMS

Anyone there?

Hi, Gran. Get up.

What? Come on!

Have you lost something?
Only the school timetable.

I'd organised every student,
every class, every subject
for the whole academic year.

Hey, not so organised now!

Are you going to do nothing
or are you going to help me look?

I can do both. Try that corner.

And to think your mother
didn't want to keep you.

You do realise, Gran, if you'd used
a computer, you would have a backup.

Plus, it would have saved you time.

You know, that's the problem
with your generation. You let

technology do the thinking for you.

You have a calculator,
so you don't know how to add.

You use spell-check, so you can't
spell. You speed-dial, so
you don't have to remember numbers.

Yeah? Great! No, it's not.

I don't need a laptop or a desktop.

All I need is my trusty necktop.

"Old Reliable".

Incredible.

She has a pet name for her brain.

Mine's called Ralph.

There you go.

Correct size - one left, one right.

And, to show he values your custom,
our Nige sends you this
with his compliments.

Gee, thanks, Kev.

I'll give these
to the one-legged triplets next door.

Drinks all round, Bobby.

Gordon has finally agreed to let me
introduce waxing to the salon.

Waxing? I thought your big career
move was doing the salon's accounts.

Dull, dull, dull, dull, dull.

But you said, and I quote,
"Spreadsheets
are the new rock'n'roll".

But waxing is where the money is.

If this takes off, I can hire
an accountant, then I'll be free
to focus on my art. Oh, yeah.

So you'll help me then?

Hel...

You don't mean hold the towels, do
you? Come on, Jimmy, it makes sense.

I need to practise and you've got...

hair.

Which I'm very attached to.
Why don't you ask Bobby?

Ah, tempting as it sounds, I'm
afraid my deeply held beliefs won't
allow me. What deeply held beliefs?

I'm a coward.

Anyway, you're my boyfriend.

All the more reason not to hurt me.

Jimmy, I can't ask just anybody.

Considering the area
I'm planning to wax.

Sorry, love, I'm declaring it
a Conservation Area.

You could have practised on me,
but I've just had it done.

Not a hair on my body.
Please, don't anyone ask him why.

In a word, drag.

I had no idea.

He's a dark horse.

Come to think of it, it makes sense.

Those lips, the shoulders, the legs.

Yep.
I can do 100 metres in 55 seconds.

In stilettos?

I wax my body to reduce drag.

Swimming.

Ohh!

What did you mean about the lips?

He thought you were a transvestite.

Eh?!

No, no, it's not that.

Although I did once wear my
girlfriend's knickers to a funeral.

So, anyway, Jimmy, would you like
to come over to my place tonight?

A bottle of wine, little lie down...

Soft music, some warm oils...

Some hot wax? If you like.

I'd love to,
but I don't have the time.

There's a little girl-and-a-half
out there
who really needs these trainers.

Don't ask.

Molly. Will you stop doing that!

I was wondering,
if I can't find money to buy two

reasonably priced domestic reptiles,

how did you afford that?

Well, I put a pound aside
every week and eventually...

I asked Dad to get me one.

And I've got £2!

OK. Great.
I'll ask Dad for the terrapins.
Ah, I wouldn't if I were you.

He's bought me this,
he's buying me trainers,
and I've got my eye on a handbag.

It's not fair on Dad -
we're bleeding him dry.

What are you doing
in the science block, you cretin?!

You're supposed to be teaching
Spanish!

You all right, Gran?
Do you need anything?

Cup of tea? Valium?

Ssh, Alex, please!
I'm trying to re-create
this timetable from scratch. Oooh.

I think I've just got
the first term locked off.

So would this be a good time
to ask for a small loan?

I'd say it'd be a good time
to put a sock in it.

Hmm, looks really complicated.
What's that bit mean?

That's class 7B,

and this tells me that on Wednesday
afternoons they're playing hockey.

Ah, right, right.

So why are they doing it
in the language lab?

I think you'd better leave. I've got
some very serious swearing to do.

I'm sure it's nothing I haven't
heard before.

Unless you've been in the
merchant navy, I seriously doubt it.

DOOR CLOSES

I'm home! Molly, Molly!
I have something for you.

You got them!

One pair of trainers, both the
same size - one left, one right.

Thanks, Dad. Go on, try them on.

Oh, I see, trying to buy
your children's affection.

What else can I do?
I can't afford their respect.

Typical!

Is there some implied criticism
of my parenting skills here?

It isn't criticism - it's

pointing out where you're wrong.

Ah, your favourite hobby.

Buying what they want, when
they want, isn't going to make
your children happy.

OOH! They're perfect!

I love you!

Yeah, she looked
absolutely devastated.

Molly and Alex need to learn
delayed gratification. What for?

When I was a kid, I had to wait
for things, and it was miserable.

Why should I inflict that on my kids?

It's good for them.

Have you heard of the

Stanford Marshmallow Experiment?

Yeah, didn't they headline
at Woodstock?

No, that was
Jimmy And The Boneheads.

Anyway, you put a marshmallow
in front of the child and tell them

if they can wait 15 minutes without
eating it, they get another one.

A high percentage of those who
couldn't wait ended up in prison.

For nicking a marshmallow?

That's a bit harsh.

Dad! Can you do me a favour? What's
that? Buy me a pair of terrapins.

If you wanted a pair of trainers
you should have asked me earlier.

I will talk to Kev. There you go.
Just give them what they want.

You know what? This is you trying
to cover up the fact
that you're tight with money.

I'm not tight with money.

Wouldn't lend me a tenner.

I'm just careful. If I see something
I want, I'll save up for it.

For example, there's a certain
Hermes scarf I wanted.
Or a trip to Milan.

Why stop at Milan?

The point is, anything worth having
is worth waiting for.

Savour the anticipation. The riper
the berry, the sweeter the juice.

Tight.

Ah, Jimmy, it's YOU!

I failed to penetrate
your effective disguise.

Yes, yes. I'm trying to avoid Siobhan
until she puts this waxing business

out of her head.

I don't know why
she belittles accountancy.

It's the perfect career.

One of these days I'll give up
this pub lark and set up
a little accountancy firm of my own.

It's good to have a dream.

You laugh. But with the proper
tools, accountancy can be fun.

What tools? A squirty flower
and a whoopee cushion?

No! I mean a shiny computer with
some dedicated spreadsheet software.

That'll bring a smile
to any girl's lips.

You don't get out much, do you?

All right, lads? Where were you?

You were supposed to meet me at
the loft conversion this morning.
I can't be everywhere at once.

Does anyone fancy a good deal
on a sat-nav? No, thanks.

40-watt bulbs? No. A laptop?

No. Salt?

Look, Kev, if we're supposed to meet
at seven... Did you say laptop?

No, I said salt. Before that.

40-watt bulbs.

After the 40-watt bulbs,
but before the salt. Laptop?

Hallelujah.

What do you want a computer for?

It was your idea.

Make accountancy fun, you said.

If Siobhan's playing with THIS little
laptop, she can't be waxing mine.

Hang on, hang on.
What exactly's wrong with it?

Nothing - I swear.

This guy Pete down the health club
gave it to me to get rid of.

All right, how much?
To you, boss, a hundred.

You're on.

Coffee, please, Bobby.

Siobhan,

I've been looking everywhere for you.

Really? So that wasn't you
sneaking past the salon
in sunglasses and a hat?

No.

Look, why would I want to hide
from you

when I have something
that's gong to launch your career
into the stratosphere?

Your bikini line!

R-r-r-rip! Bobby!

Oddly enough, it's got nothing
to do with waxing, because
I think you deserve so much more.

A tatty second-hand laptop.

Yes.

But with some dedicated spreadsheet
software - what could be more fun?

If you don't trust me to let me
practise on you, just say so.

It's not that...
No. I don't want your computer.

Kev, you've had it done. Tell him
there's nothing to be afraid of.

Yeah, it's a doddle.
You've just got to be drunk.

And tied to a table with belts.

Food.

Oh, well, worth a try.

I won't be needing this now.
No problem, boss.
I'll give you 20 for it.

I just gave you a hundred.

Well, it is a bit tatty.

Hmm. Right brand, right style,
they SEEM to be the right colour...

Do you think they're cool enough?

I think so. But it's not up to us.
It's up to Hannah...

and The Committee. Do you think
you could put in a good word for me?

I'll give her a call.
What's the batch code? Here.

DOOR CLOSES

I'm home!

Hi, Ellie. Hi, Mr V.

You do like those trainers? I don't
know. Ellie's just finding out.

From the Style Council?

The Committee.

I can't believe you're letting
a bunch of silly girls choose

what you can or can't wear.

You don't understand. There was

this girl once, Stephanie Jones.

She had the wrong pencil case.

And Hannah and The Committee
gave her this awful nickname

which has stuck with her to this
very day. What nickname?

Wrong Pencil Case Jonesy.

Oh, my God(!)

Don't you take anything seriously?

Glad you like the trainers.
Oh, no, you haven't decided yet.
Let me know when you have.

Still here then?

Look, travelling between houses
got me into this mess
in the first place.

I'm not leaving until I finish.

Ooo, lucky us.

Of course, if you had a computer...

I'd have it done in half the time,
yes.

Is the whole world in the pay
of Bill Gates? Yeah, pretty much.

Well, I haven't got a computer,
so there's an end to it.

Or is it?

What's that? What's it look like?

All set up and ready to go.

I don't want it. Thank you.

I don't think delayed gratification
is a good idea, Diana, at your age.

Well, that's just
what I'm talking about.

Once I start depending on props like
this, there's no going back. It's
like getting your first glasses.

Or buying your first shopping basket
on wheels.

Or one of those walk-in bathtubs.

I'm offering you a laptop, Diana,
not putting you in a home.

That's next year's present.

Look,
I can't expect you to understand,
but once I start taking shortcuts...

You'll finish the job sooner?

Perhaps,
but it's like caving in to Little
Miss Murray, the teacher's pet.

Little Miss Murray need never know.

Yes, but I'D know.

Right. So, on one hand,
personal integrity, but on the other,

wiping the smirk off Little
Miss Murray's smug little face?

You really are very petty, you know.

Fine. If you don't want it,
I'll give it back to Kev.

No no. Just leave it where it is.
I don't want to put you
to any trouble.

Anything you say, Diana.

Would you like a marshmallow
with that?

PHONE RINGS

Hi, Siobhan. Hi, Jimmy.
Look, before you say anything,

I'm sorry about the waxing.
You've changed your mind?

No. That's why I'm sorry.

Don't worry, I've called to tell you
I've found a substitute. Oh?

Male or female?

Very definitely male. Oh.

Anyone I know?

Lloyd, my friend from next door.

Lloyd?
You never mentioned a Lloyd before.

I don't tell you everything. Lloyd
believes in me and, unlike some,
he's always there when you need him.

I didn't say I would NEVER do it.

That's exactly what you did say.

Well, I've changed my mind. I'll come
for a waxing tomorrow after work.
See you then.

Bye.

It's all right, Lloyd.

You're off the hook.

I'm here to see Siobhan.

Oh, why's that, then, Jimmy?

You know why.

The waxing.

Oh, that's right,
Siobhan's new waxing service,

coming soon to this salon.

What are you going to go for, then?

The Brazilian? The Hawaiian?

The George IV?

Just tell me where she is.

Oh, Jimmy, thanks so much

for coming. I won't forget this.

I've got a feeling I won't either.

OK, drop your trousers.

Whatever happened to romance?

Believe me, I will thank you later.

What's that? I've invited

some friends for a fondue.

It's to heat up the wax...
before boiling the oil.

Come on,

lie down on the table.

Right.
I'm now going to apply the wax.

Careful, careful.

Ow, ow, ow.

I haven't even started yet.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Ooooh!

That actually feels quite nice.

Have you seen Jimmy?

I believe he's off having his turkey
plucked in time for Christmas.

I've got to find him
and get that laptop back.

Why? OK, it's like this.

When Pete down the health club
asked me to "get rid of it"

he meant "get rid of it"!

What's the difference between
"get rid of it" and "get rid of it"?

About a week in hospital.

OK, now, here comes the scary part.

That's not exactly filling me
with confidence.

Well, I haven't done this before.

Nor is that. OK, ready? No.
Well, whenever you are ready.

OK, ready.

No, I'm not. OK, now I am.

No!

OK.

One, two...

Jimmy! Arghhh! Arghhh!

Get away from me!

I'm sorry. He scared me!

I only got three hairs.
Am I interrupting something?

What do you think?! Take a deep

breath and I'll rip it right off.

Just go away! Jimmy, you've got
to give me back the computer.

I haven't got it. There's important
stuff on the hard disk.

Addresses, a hit-list,
stuff like that. Pete wants it back.

Well, Pete can't have it.
I've given it to Diana.

Let me get this straight.
You want me to tell Pliers McGovern
he can't have his laptop back?

Pliers? I thought you said his name
was Pete. I didn't want to scare you.

OW!

See? That didn't hurt, did it?

Compared to what? Setting me on fire?

So, will you get it back?

Kev, look at me!
I've got problems of my own.

Well, now you've got another one -
he knows where you live.

Would you like a loyalty card?

Ooh. New laptop? No, no.

It's, er... Gran's old one.

No, it isn't. Yes, it is.

How can you tell? Well, the old one
didn't have a logo there.

And there was a 2cm scuff
to the right of the keyboard.

Alex, how do you know all this stuff?

I just happen to have a Polaroid
of the old laptop.

Why?

I've got a Polaroid
of everything in the house.
You know, in case of fire.

Or amnesia.
And you carry them around with you?

Well, if I got amnesia,
I'd forget where I put them.

So why did you buy a new one?
Well, it's simple.

I bought a laptop from Kev
to keep Siobhan from waxing my legs.

But she didn't want it, so I gave it
to Gran without realising that Kev

was supposed to "get rid of it",

as opposed to just get rid of it.

So I gave the old one back to Kev,
so I had to get your Gran a new one

or she'd say "Jimmy. You've done it
again, you feckless fool."

Fair enough. Well, we'd better start
scuzzing this one up a bit.

Hold on, this is brand new.

From a shop. Full price. Exactly.
She'll know it's the wrong one.

Trust me, Dad.

In 20 minutes, we'll have
this thing looking like crap.

I'll get sandpaper.

This is perfect.
She'll never know the difference.

Let's just take it for a spin.

DOOR BANGS

It's only me!

Hi, Diana! Hi, Gran.

What are you doing?
We were just doing a quick upgrade
on your laptop.

That's it. Exactly. We're doing
a quick upgrade on your laptop.

Oh, thank you. As long as you
haven't lost any of my files.

Files? Yes. The timetable.

I spent hours setting up the
spreadsheet, entering the data...

and it's not here!

Ah, don't worry Gran. Probably
just a software conflict. Yeah,
that's right. Software conflict.

This is a disaster!
A complete disaster!

Don't panic. Deleted files are
always somewhere on the hard drive.

That's right, he's got it. In a
couple of days we'll get them back.

I don't have a couple of days.
I need those files now!

Diana, remember,
delayed gratification.

Oh!

Hey, hey, let's be adult about this.
That's right.

It was his fault.

I can do no right in your eyes.

MUSIC: "Eye Of The Tiger"
by Survivor

Right!

Alex, turn off that music!

MUSIC STOPS

Sorry, Gran!

Kev, where have you been?
I was trying to reach you

all of last night.

I was down at the pool, practising
my butterfly. OK, now listen.

Please. You've got to try and get
that laptop back. You're joking.

Oh, yes, I'm joking,
it's a real side-splitter.

Diana's files were on it.

I'll be right back.

My life's a mess. At least you've
got the love of a good woman.

There you are, you rat-bag!

OK. I take that back. I can't
believe you ran out on me yesterday.

Ran?! I could barely walk.

Yeah, but apparently you can scream.

Your girly outburst scared off
half the clients in the salon.

Gordon has forbidden me
to wax ever again. I'm sorry, love.

Gordon's the one that's going to be
sorry because I quit. You what?

But it's all right. I got a job
in a salon round the corner. At

least they'll let me try new things.

I may need a bit of practice,
though. And you're going to help me.

Oh, great, what are you learning now?

Nail extraction?

Branding? Oh, don't be silly.

It's just a normal salon...
that does body piercing.

DOOR CLOSES

Hi, Alex. Hi, Dad.

Why are you walking hunched over?

I don't want my shirt
to touch my nipples.

Fair enough.

For goodness' sake, Jimmy, stand up
straight. You'll get a hump.

What's that? It's your files.

I thought they were supposed
to be on my laptop.

Um, well, yes, they were.
But I took them out...um...

for some air. And...

Alex?

You see, Gran, I retrieved the files
from your hard drive,
transferred them to a disk,

slipped it into Dad's coat pocket
before I went to school and...

after that...I blacked out.

Good. Well.

I don't know what's going on here
but fortunately I don't care.

What are you doing?!
Despite your efforts to corrupt me,

I finished the timetable
the old-fashioned way -

with blood, sweat and tears.

Doesn't sound very legible.
It turns out, all I needed was
a good kick up the backside.

Should've come to me.

I wish you'd seen the look
on Miss Murray's face.

Well, at least I'll get my money back

from the shop.

Are you joking? Look at it -
dirty, scuffed up.

I wouldn't be surprised
if someone had sanded the logo off.

All right. You have it.

Great. Molly gets an iPod
and three trainers, and all I get
is a scuzzy laptop. Fine.

I'll get you the terrapins as well.

Result!

DOOR CLOSES

Dad! I've been mugged.
Someone's stolen my trainers.

What?! Oh, God! I know!

Which means they really are cool.

I cannot wait to tell Ellie.
Thanks, Dad. You're the best dad
in the whole world!

AAAAAAARGH!

Subtitles by
Red Bee Media Ltd - 2007