All language subtitles for After Youve Gone.s01e01.Stuck in the Middle with You

# After you've gone

# And left me crying

# After you've gone

# There's no denying

# Some day, when you grow lonely

# Your heart will break like mine

# And you'll want me only

# After you've gone
After you've gone away. #

Kids, the reason I wanted to have
this talk

is that there's something
I really want to tell you.

I know this may take
some time to get used to,

and it doesn't mean

that I love you any less, but...

I'm volunteering for the African
relief effort, and I'm going to be
gone for eight weeks. Ha! Told you.

What do you mean, "Told you"?

You've been crying in front of
the news, you've been whispering

on the phone,

you've had malaria jabs,
and you've got a visa.

I had a fiver said you were
on the run from the law.

You two are taking this
a bit casually.

You've always said you want to do
something important with your life.

And you're not getting any younger.
Thank you, dear.

And I think Alex and I can take
care of ourselves. I know you do.

That's why I'm going to ask
your gran to stay with you.

I don't think I can
look after her as well.

I know!

Why can't Dad stay with us?

Your father is...

I don't think your father... No.
Why not?

It's not like we're babies.

He can't leave us on the bus.

Again.

There you go. All done.

It took you long enough.
Give me a break, Bobby.

You can't hurry genius.

It's a pub toilet, Jimmy,
not the Sistine Chapel.

Oh, yeah? You tell that to the bloke
in there on his knees, going,
"Oh, God, oh, God!"

So she sat down in the chair
and said she wanted it washed,
styled and tinted,

and I said, "Most people
just bleach it, love."

The usual, ladies?

Hey, Jimmy. Hiya.

So, er, I'm getting off at six
tonight. Oh, sorry, love.
I've got to pick up my kids.

You don't have kids.
Does he have kids?

I've got two kids.

Ex-wife. Guilt. Regret.

Ah... That's why, when I see them,
I get such a pain in my heart,
seeing everything I've lost.

So I'll probably need a lot
of comforting later tonight.

I might not be here later tonight.

Oh, come on, Siobhan.
We'll do something on Friday.

Er, don't you have "the kids"
this weekend?

No, that's the first and third
weekends. Yeah, I get the second
and fourth weekends,

unless there's a match on,
or you've forgotten,

or you're having
a really important lie-in.

I swear, we'll do something great.
We'll get in the car and we'll go

wherever you want

for the whole weekend,
as long as there's a telly.

Right. So I'll still probably get,
like, what - ten minutes?

Yeah, well, you know what
I can do in ten minutes...

Yes, but I can't.

No, the kids are both fine with it.

I'm going to ask my mum to stay
with them. So, how do I look?

HE GIGGLES

Hold on. No, you're not
going out like that.

DOOR SLAMS

Who put the bins in the drive?

Innocent people out there
could go careering into them
while simply trying to park.

Gran? How do I look?

Like the meat counter
at Tesco's, dear.

Thanks!

You're out of milk, Ann.

Did you buy milk? No. Course not.

Alex, dear...

Are you painting your nails?

No. My toes got bored being
so close to each other, so I'm
giving the little piggies a holiday.

Well, first have them go to market
and get some milk.

You ready, lads? What was that?
Oh sorry, Gran.

This one wants to stay at home.

Right.

Who's your mother talking to?

Dr Banks. Mum wants to go with
some of the hospital staff to help
the African flood victims.

And I want to go back in time
to 1968 and get a refund

for those cha-cha lessons.
Life's a vale of tears.

Ann, don't be ridiculous!
I think it's all right.

Oh, I feel so much better. Approval
from a boy who talks to his feet.

Now go!

Mother, I'm so glad you dropped by.

African flood victims? What
happened to the drought? Can't
these people make up their minds?

So much for compassion.

You're not really
thinking of going?

I'm a nurse, Mother. I need to help.

Can't you just do a fun-run?

No. This is something
I've got to do.

It's that pinko Dr Banks, isn't it?

It has nothing to do with Howard.
And he's not a pinko.

He cares about what happens
to people. Exactly. Pinko.

You do have children, remember.
Are they to fend for themselves

while you go traipsing after
Dr Schweitzer?

No, I'm putting them out
on the kerb with the bin bags(!)

Come on, Mummy.
It's only eight weeks and the kids
love you so, so much.

Mummy, Mummy, Mummy... Oh, vomit.

Does that mean
you're not going to help?

I cannot abet when I don't approve.
DOORBELL RINGS

Fine. I don't need Mummy's approval.
I'm a grown-up.

Grown-ups don't say "grown-up",
dear. We say "adult".

Hiya.

Alex, Molly!

Your dad's here. Hi, Diana.

Mind if I come in?

Of course I do. Nitwit.

Why don't you come out, then?

We'll have a quick snog in the van.

Come on in.

They'll be right down.

Which cowboy left this like that?
Er, you did.

Yeah, well. Maybe if you let me
come round a bit more often...

That's funny. That's just
what I was thinking. Really?

Look, Jimmy. I know we've had
our differences, and I know
this is very short notice, but...

can I ask you a favour?

Ann, you know I'd do
anything for you.

I didn't have any money.

What you listening to? Sh!

You smell nice!

But you do understand I have to be
gone for eight weeks? No problem.

Jimmy, please,

that means you're not listening.
You always wanted to do something

special with your nursing skills.

You now have the chance. The kids
are old enough, and you want me
to watch them

while you're gone. See? I do listen.
I've changed, Ann.

For you.

And I have to leave Thursday night.

What, this Thursday? You're joking!
I've got plans this weekend.

I said it was short notice.
Well, that's not short notice.
That's NO notice. Forget it.

I knew this was a bad idea.
I could never rely on you.

At least I was listening.

Look, why not go in the spring?

I've heard it's really crap
over there right now.
It's a complete disaster area.

Dad! Hey!

Did Mum tell you about Africa?
Yes, and I will be staying
with you as of Friday. Thursday.

Thursday. I was listening.

ALARM RINGS

Dad!

Don't you ever knock?! Sorry! Sorry.

What did you see? Nothing, I swear!

Thank God. Look, you going to be
in there long? Cos I wanna go.

I can't wee if I'm being rushed.

Daddy? What?

Can you get me some loo roll? It's
all run out. Where is it, love?

In the shop.

Look, can't you pretend
you're in the woods?

Or just jump up and down
and air-dry?

Oh, come on.

No!

All right, fine.

There you go. Dad!

What?

It's clean.

Dress-down Friday, I presume?

Diana, you scared the crap out of me.

Oh, really? How marvellous.

Why are you here, anyway? Just
because my daughter's abandoned her
children, doesn't mean I plan to.

Someone has to cook them breakfast.

Yeah, and I believe that would be me.

Like it or not, Diana,
I am still their father.

Oh, please. Even a guppy can spawn.

Yeah, but they don't cuddle after.

And I am a great cuddler.

Come here. It's hug time.

Don't be repulsive.

Oh, that looks nice. Oi!

And please put on some clothes!

My late husband never
came out of the bedroom
without a jacket and tie.

I bet he never went in it
without a wooden stake and garlic.

No, we usually preferred
tarts and vicars.

COUGHING

Dad. Are you finished in

the bathroom? I have a sore throat.

Thank God.

Be out in a minute.

I've got to put a lock on.

Dad? What? Got another sock?

Oh... Is the room spinning?

Yes, it is.

Is that how you're dressed
for school? Oh, I don't know
if I can go in today.

Oh, really?
Is that the best you can do?

I'm not faking, Gran.

Then I need to see suffering.

Eyeballs red, nose crusty,
vomit reeking of bile,

perhaps a discreetly operatic
trace of blood on a tissue.

Short of that, school's in
half an hour. Dad said I was ill.

Your dad? Oh, that's right.

With his medical degree from
Holby City. Eat, dress, school.

And if I die on the way?

I will grieve.

Apparently you said she was ill.

Daddy...

Um, right.

Er, yes.
I don't like the way you're looking.

Let's see that throat.

Oh, no. No, school for you today.
And don't argue. Oh!

Right, I am going back to bed.

I think I've got the shivers.

So have I.

You know she's faking?

Oh, come on, Diana. Didn't you ever
skive off when you were younger? Me?

Right. You were never young.

I did it all the time.

Really?
Knock me down with a feather.

Hey, I've got an A-level in skiving.

At least I would have,
if I'd turned up.

It's always a wink and a smile
with you, isn't it? The easy way

and sod the consequences.

Do you know, I think I'll put
that on the side of the van.

"Jimmy the Handyman -
Sod the Consequences." No.

No. Don't. Don't!

You'll just make us both look petty.

Listen, James.

I like this arrangement
even less than you do, but if,
for whatever reason,

my daughter has decided
you should take charge of
the children rather than me...

You said you wouldn't do it.
Because I thought she'd change

her mind and wouldn't go.

So... Wait. Are you admitting
you were wrong about something?

No. Ann was wrong.
I simply misjudged.

Same thing, Diana. Really?

I've been a teacher
for nearly 27 years,

while all you've been is, what?

What HAVE you been?

Oh, that's right. You're a handyman.

And you're a snob.

Feckless, facile, a philanderer...

I think you're getting stuck
on the F-words. Don't tempt me.

And I never philandered.

Might have thought about it,
but I never followed through.

Because you were always
too drunk. Yeah. See?
Drink CAN save your marriage.

Not mine, obviously.

Listen, James, I know you,
which is why I shall be here
to pick up the pieces

as, once again,
you fail and fade away.

And philanderer
begins with a P, prat.

All right.
Number one, I haven't had a drink
in over a year. And number two...

lovely bacon.

Yeah, so remember that really fit
guy from the park?

The one with the hair?

And the motorbike? Yeah,
I'm going to go and see him later!

No, I don't have to go to school.

Dad is letting me be ill.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Oh, talk later.

SHE COUGHS

Enter.

I've brought you some breakfast.
Ah, thanks.

Ooh.
Those aren't the ones Gran made.

Er, no. Those were going cold,
so I had to eat those myself.

But these are my speciality.

There's something in them. I know.

They're, er, flavour crystals.

It looks like egg shell.

That's where all the vitamins are.

I'm glad you're staying
with us instead of Gran. Look,
your grandmother means well.

Yeah, but you get it.

I do, don't I?

And don't worry. We won't let you
screw it up. Thank you.

I want your mum to know everything
went really well while she was away.

Then I'd let Gran
make the breakfasts.

All right if I go to work?

Yeah. I'm gonna go back to sleep.

Think your mum's having a good time?

Yeah, she and Howard were always
talking about "being on the front
line" and "commitment to the cause".

Howard? Who's Howard?

Dr Banks, from the hospital.

You're on a first name basis
with your mum's boss?

Don't worry, she's not
sleeping with him or anything.

No, I'm not worried.
At least, I wasn't.

I mean they go out and stuff,
but, eugh!

Could you imagine Mum
doing it with someone?!

I've taken the kids off her hands
so she can fly halfway
round the world to hump Howard.

You're seeing that hairdresser.

But the furthest
we've gone is Glasgow.

Ann's having the time of her life
in some disaster zone. With Howard.

I've got a cousin in Glasgow.
You're not helping, Kev.

I spread Polyfilla for a living.

You get what you pay for.

Well, I'm paying you to work.

"Howard".
My kids call him by his first name.

I mean, how do they even know it?

I didn't know my father's first name
until I was 12.

Except they probably
call him "Uncle Howard".

He takes them out "in his Jag".
Buys them toffee.

Hey. Don't forget, you did
her nut in with your drinking.

So now it's your turn.
It kind of evens things out.

You know, in the grand scheme
of things. The Buddhists
call it "tit for tat".

Hello, Molly? It's me. Pick up,
love. I need Mum's number.

You're going to track down your ex
while she's saving lives
in some disaster zone?

Top man.

Molly, I know you're there. Pick up.

OK, fine. Call me back.

Where the hell is she? Maybe...

she went out.

To do what? All her mates
are at school.

So maybe she really is sick.
Oh, yeah. Right.
That would top things off.

I move out of my flat,

I have a mother-in-law

trying to lop off my goolies because,
for some reason, I still have them.

And then Ann
leaves me with a faulty kid.

Is this fair? Is this moral?

Is this your van?

Yes.

It's his.

Well, I have to warn you, sir,
that this is a restricted parking
zone with fines of up to £50.

And warning heeded.
Thank you, Officer.

There you go. Sir.

No, wait. Wait.
She just gave me a warning.

And I'm just giving you a ticket.

Oi!

I don't know why you're upset.

I'm the one who's just spent the
afternoon in a police cell with

two drunks and a Peeping Tom.

"We'll do something on Friday."
I should have known it'd mean
bailing you out of jail.

I didn't plan this, Siobhan.
They arrested me
for a bleeding parking ticket.

And for abusive language to a police
officer in the performance of his
duty. I was exercising free speech.

And resisting arrest.

I hadn't finished speaking.

Oh, good! So let's just forget
the assault charge.

It wasn't an assault!

It was a conciliatory
hand gesture...gone wrong.

You're an embarrassment,
do you know that?

An embarrassment, a crap boyfriend,
and an even crapper father.
What is your family going to think?

That's why I called YOU
to bail me out.

Oh! And so romantic.

"That's why I called you
to bail me out."

It's just what every girl
wants to hear.

It's true, though.

You're the only one
I'd even dream of turning to.

Forget it.

But don't you forget it.

Molly?

Molly!

What are you doing here?

I live here.

Why aren't you at school? It's over.

Well, where's your sister?

In the drawing room
with Colonel Mustard.

This is fun. Don't be a smartarse.

Your sister took today off sick,
and now she's gone.

Well, she's not in her room,
cos I was just up there
trying her clothes on.

What?! Doesn't mean I'm gay.

It's for my website.

I don't want to know.

And she's not in here.

And she's definitely not at Gran's,
cos that's Gran pulling up now.
Oh, bloody hell.

Ohh.

Gran's not gonna be happy

that you lost her granddaughter.

Yes, thank you, Sherlock.

First day, as well.
Doesn't make you look too good.

Got any other brilliant thoughts?

Well, you could stall her
at the door

while I run into Moll's room,
get into bed and pretend to be her,
asleep.

That is the least helpful idea
I have ever heard.

You asked for brilliant,
not helpful.

DOOR CLOSES

Hello?! Do it.

Oh. You're still here.

Oh, hi, Diana. Yes,
finally got round to fixing this.

Aaah-aah-aah...

I was just kidding. Hmm. Pity.

So how's the other "sick" person?

Um, resting.

I'm sure. Exhausted from a full day
of malingering. No, no.

She's really been ill. She's um...

She's asleep. Really?

Don't want a relapse. I'll just see

for myself. There's no need.
No problem.

No, really. No bother.
Look, why don't I just, um...

see if she's decent?

Is the hat too much?

You look like the wolf
in Little Red Riding Hood.

So is that a yes or a no
on the hat?

The hat is the most
convincing thing about it.

And now you don't even look ill.

You just look guilty.

We've talked about this dressing up.
It's gone way beyond a hobby.

DOOR CLOSES

Boys suck!

And I don't want to talk about it.

Where the hell...

..have you been?

DOOR SLAMS

Go away.
It's my room. It's Mum's room.

Well, it used to be mine.

Where the hell have you been?

OK.

Let's try again.

Where the hell have you been?!

Fine. I don't want to talk either.

Do you know what? I trusted you.

You knew how important this was to
me, and you've made me look a prat.

Your gran was just waiting for this.

"You don't know what you're doing.
You'll cock it up as usual."

Well, I didn't cock it up, missy.

You did.

I know it sounds harsh, but...

prison does that to a man.

Hello.

Which child have you lost now?

Where'd you hide my bloody jacket?

I don't think you were wearing one.

Why? I don't know why I'm here.
It's not for the kids,
cos they don't give a damn.

And it's not for your daughter,
off playing Tarzan and Jane
with Uncle Howard.

I thought you missed me. Come here!
Hug time!

Where are you going now?
Where you always knew
I would end up, Diana.

The pub.

Diana is the devil.

She did her husband in.
Did you know that?

I thought he had a heart attack.

On purpose.

After she'd sucked his spine out,
it was his only means of escape.

So where were you today?

I miss Mum.

Believe me, dear, so do I.
Has anyone seen Dad?

Your father, I'm afraid, is not

going to be with us much longer.

Not in that sense.

Can't be greedy. But in the sense
that in your mother's absence,
I'm now in charge,

as I should have been all along,
had your mother not been
so spiteful. So...

you're the person I need to talk to
if I want to be fed?

As soon as you've set the table
for dinner. Fine.

But it won't be pretty. Amaze us.

You still haven't told me where you
were. Can you just let it drop?

From your outfit, I'd say...

lap-dancing or a pantomime.

Fine. I went to meet a boy
and he never showed up.

I felt stupid. Well, at least
you've accomplished something today.

Yeah? Well, I wish I was dead.
Molly, don't you ever say that.

It's "I wish I WERE dead".

The subjunctive.

Boys may come and boys may go,
but good grammar is forever.

What? Do you know
how unbelievable you are?

I prefer to think of myself
as bracing.

You know,
you're the only one, whatever
I've done, who's never left me.

She's right, though.

I'm a rubbish dad. I've got a temper.

My advice is bollocks.
I live like a slob.

The last time I cooked a proper meal
was in 1992,
and I can still taste it.

Do you know what my problem is?

Yeah. You're getting a turkey neck.

He's buying his own.

Would you mind moving down a seat?

Er, yeah. I would.

I've got a knife.

Thank you, dear.

Oh, God. Oh, James.

What a surprise. Excuse me.

If you need me, it's too late.
I've gone.

Hello, lovely lady.
Hello, observant man.

A gin and tonic, please.

You can skip the lemon.

And the ice.

And the tonic.

So you just want a shot of gin?

Please, you make it sound so sordid.

Double.

Come here to gloat?

I already did that at home.

Thank you.

So why are you here? Just a moment.

You have to come back.

What?

Don't interrupt. This is not easy.

Same again, please.

The children have had more than
enough people abandoning them
lately, so... So, what?

I already said it.

Well, you have to say it again.
I didn't have enough schooling to
hold all those big words in my head.

So what was it, again? Because it
sounded like, "Jimmy, you have to...

"to..."

Come back. Good.

Now say it again, a little louder.

In a Belgian accent.

Get stuffed. Close enough.

So you really think
I can pull this "Dad" thing off?

Of course not.

But I'm not going to let you
cock it up this time.

That's funny. I get divorced and end
up with custody of my mother-in-law.

How do you think I feel?

At least you got me. I got you.

To the children.

And that's going to stop.

That was a Coke.

Same again.

# After you've gone

# And left me crying

# After you've gone

# There's no denying

# Some day

# When you grow lonely

# Your heart will break like mine
For you'll want me only

# After you've gone

# After you've gone away. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 2007

E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk