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1
00:00:01,667 --> 00:00:04,602
(theme song playing)
2
00:01:15,207 --> 00:01:17,208
ALEX:
Yeah. All right.
3
00:01:17,276 --> 00:01:18,977
Well, bye-bye, everybody.
4
00:01:19,044 --> 00:01:20,445
Huh?
5
00:01:20,513 --> 00:01:22,914
I'm going to meet Simka at
the Department of Immigration
6
00:01:22,982 --> 00:01:25,917
so she can get her green card
and stay in America forever.
7
00:01:25,984 --> 00:01:28,219
Oh... yeah!
ALEX:
Hey, Latka, Latka,
that's great.
8
00:01:28,287 --> 00:01:29,887
That's great.
LATKA:
We'll have a party,
9
00:01:29,955 --> 00:01:31,122
and you're
all invited.
10
00:01:31,189 --> 00:01:32,890
Oh.
JIM:
Uh, excuse me?
11
00:01:32,958 --> 00:01:34,892
Are you serving
12
00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:37,529
barbecued yak lips again?
13
00:01:39,064 --> 00:01:42,300
I-I wasn't planning on it,
14
00:01:42,367 --> 00:01:45,836
but, uh, if you want, okay,
we'll serve it just for you.
15
00:01:45,904 --> 00:01:47,339
(mumbling)
16
00:01:47,406 --> 00:01:50,442
Latka, wait, Latka, Latka,
listen, I got a great idea.
17
00:01:50,509 --> 00:01:53,845
And, uh, believe me, this is not
a comment on how you entertain.
18
00:01:53,913 --> 00:01:55,346
Uh, just to save you
the trouble,
19
00:01:55,414 --> 00:01:57,081
why don't you let us
handle the party?
20
00:01:57,149 --> 00:01:58,082
Yeah.
21
00:01:58,150 --> 00:01:59,584
Yeah.
22
00:01:59,652 --> 00:02:02,554
You know, this-this feels
like this is a nice way
23
00:02:02,621 --> 00:02:06,223
of you saying
that our parties stink.
24
00:02:06,291 --> 00:02:07,559
A very nice way.
25
00:02:07,626 --> 00:02:09,260
Tony, Tony, will you?
26
00:02:09,328 --> 00:02:13,031
Okay, well, in that case,
we'll be home at 6:30.
27
00:02:13,099 --> 00:02:14,766
Okay, we'll
do it.
Okay, all right,
all right.
28
00:02:14,834 --> 00:02:16,734
Hey, Latka, how are we gonna get
in your apartment?
29
00:02:16,802 --> 00:02:19,470
Open the door and walk in.
30
00:02:19,538 --> 00:02:20,805
Oh, what are you
talking about?
31
00:02:20,872 --> 00:02:22,140
Latka, don't you
lock your door?
32
00:02:22,208 --> 00:02:24,809
Why? This is America.
33
00:02:24,876 --> 00:02:26,277
ALEX:
Oh, no.
34
00:02:26,345 --> 00:02:28,313
Latka, I mean, this-this
is a great country
35
00:02:28,381 --> 00:02:30,348
in a lot of respects,
but you know,
36
00:02:30,415 --> 00:02:32,884
there are still some vile,
horrid people around.
37
00:02:32,952 --> 00:02:35,053
Oh, that reminds me.
38
00:02:35,121 --> 00:02:37,988
Uh, Louie?
39
00:02:38,056 --> 00:02:40,591
Thanks for thinking of me.
40
00:02:52,537 --> 00:02:53,638
Hey, look at this!
41
00:02:53,706 --> 00:02:54,805
Look at this.
42
00:02:54,873 --> 00:02:56,474
Well, what
do you know?
Ooh!
43
00:02:56,541 --> 00:02:58,175
Did you do all this?
Hey, Jim!
44
00:02:58,243 --> 00:03:00,077
Yup. Pretty snazzy, huh?
45
00:03:00,145 --> 00:03:01,780
ELAINE:
You got it.
46
00:03:01,847 --> 00:03:07,352
I wanted Simka's party
to have a patriotic motif.
47
00:03:07,420 --> 00:03:08,987
Where'd you get all this stuff?
48
00:03:09,055 --> 00:03:11,589
Democratic Convention, 1968.
49
00:03:14,193 --> 00:03:16,227
Did I ever tell
you I was there?
50
00:03:16,295 --> 00:03:17,495
ELAINE:
Uh-huh.
51
00:03:17,563 --> 00:03:20,098
Yes, you did. In fact,
you told us you got arrested.
52
00:03:20,166 --> 00:03:22,200
Yup, for stealing
decorations.
53
00:03:24,269 --> 00:03:26,036
They never would have caught me,
54
00:03:26,104 --> 00:03:28,439
except I went back
for one other item.
55
00:03:28,507 --> 00:03:30,007
What was that?
56
00:03:30,075 --> 00:03:32,109
John Chancellor's tie.
57
00:03:33,845 --> 00:03:36,547
(Simka and Latka arguing loudly
in their native language)
58
00:03:36,615 --> 00:03:37,815
(loud thud on door)
59
00:03:37,883 --> 00:03:39,383
(shouting)
60
00:03:42,688 --> 00:03:44,389
Hi!
61
00:03:44,457 --> 00:03:46,291
Gee,
62
00:03:46,359 --> 00:03:48,559
what is this?
63
00:03:48,627 --> 00:03:52,463
It looks likes
Uncle Sam exploded in here.
64
00:03:52,531 --> 00:03:54,799
Yeah.
65
00:03:54,867 --> 00:03:57,135
They thought you were going
to get your green card,
66
00:03:57,203 --> 00:03:59,003
and they wanted
to give you a party.
67
00:03:59,071 --> 00:04:00,171
TONY:
Yeah.
68
00:04:00,239 --> 00:04:03,407
Oh! What a great
surprise!
69
00:04:03,475 --> 00:04:06,578
You have such
nice friends.
70
00:04:06,646 --> 00:04:08,580
Gee,
71
00:04:08,647 --> 00:04:11,682
it's such a pleasure
to have you in my home,
72
00:04:11,750 --> 00:04:13,952
and I hope
you have a great party.
73
00:04:14,020 --> 00:04:15,954
(voice breaking):
All right? Good night.
74
00:04:19,892 --> 00:04:23,027
That was a
lovely speech.
75
00:04:24,563 --> 00:04:26,264
Huh?
76
00:04:26,331 --> 00:04:29,967
Oh, Latka, didn't-didn't Simka
get her green card?
77
00:04:30,035 --> 00:04:31,569
No, no, but
78
00:04:31,636 --> 00:04:32,871
that doesn't matter.
It's-It's all right.
79
00:04:32,938 --> 00:04:34,105
Listen, let's
have some fun.
80
00:04:34,173 --> 00:04:35,773
Now, who's up for
bobbing for fish parts?
81
00:04:35,841 --> 00:04:36,941
ALEX:
Wait a minute.
82
00:04:37,009 --> 00:04:38,943
Wait a minute, Latka.
83
00:04:40,612 --> 00:04:42,880
Simka didn't get
her green card?
84
00:04:42,948 --> 00:04:44,949
Was there some
kind of problem?
85
00:04:45,017 --> 00:04:46,417
No, is no problem.
86
00:04:46,485 --> 00:04:48,252
She just didn't go
inside the building.
87
00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:49,987
But that-that doesn't matter.
88
00:04:50,055 --> 00:04:53,024
Here, uh, Jim,
you fill up the sink.
89
00:04:53,092 --> 00:04:55,926
Uh, Elaine, open up this can
of flounder faces.
90
00:04:55,994 --> 00:04:57,995
Alex, hold your nose
and count to 20.
91
00:04:58,063 --> 00:04:59,363
Yeah, wait
a minute.
92
00:04:59,431 --> 00:05:01,031
SIMKA:
Ha!
93
00:05:01,099 --> 00:05:03,668
LATKA:
Uh-oh.
94
00:05:03,735 --> 00:05:05,336
Hi, everybody.
95
00:05:05,404 --> 00:05:07,071
How is the party going?
96
00:05:07,139 --> 00:05:08,639
Is everybody having a good time?
97
00:05:08,707 --> 00:05:10,608
Now, if there is anything
that you want,
98
00:05:10,675 --> 00:05:12,176
don't hesitate to ask for it.
99
00:05:12,244 --> 00:05:13,478
Don't mind me.
100
00:05:13,546 --> 00:05:16,781
I just had a craving
for a little salt, you know?
101
00:05:16,849 --> 00:05:18,783
Uh, Latka,
close the drape.
102
00:05:22,354 --> 00:05:25,923
Okay, now, uh,
who wants to bob first?
103
00:05:25,991 --> 00:05:27,491
Me!
104
00:05:27,559 --> 00:05:30,628
But I've got to warn you,
I've done this professionally.
105
00:05:30,696 --> 00:05:31,863
Latka?
106
00:05:31,930 --> 00:05:33,898
Latka, I-I don't want
to butt in,
107
00:05:33,966 --> 00:05:36,133
but, uh, she wouldn't go
into the office,
108
00:05:36,201 --> 00:05:38,269
and she's acting
very peculiar.
109
00:05:38,336 --> 00:05:41,272
You don't miss
a thing, do you?
110
00:05:41,340 --> 00:05:43,241
Listen, it's no
cause for alarm.
111
00:05:43,309 --> 00:05:45,243
She gets this way
once a month.
112
00:05:45,311 --> 00:05:46,010
Oh.
113
00:05:46,078 --> 00:05:47,178
Oh.
114
00:05:47,246 --> 00:05:48,479
Oh.
115
00:05:53,618 --> 00:05:56,755
Are we supposed
to have realized something here?
116
00:05:56,822 --> 00:05:57,922
Okay, Jim?
117
00:05:57,990 --> 00:05:59,090
Huh?
118
00:05:59,157 --> 00:06:02,760
Simka's having her,
uh, monthly problem.
119
00:06:02,828 --> 00:06:05,196
Bills, bills, bills.
120
00:06:12,671 --> 00:06:14,172
Well, who is winning?
121
00:06:14,239 --> 00:06:15,339
I am.
122
00:06:15,407 --> 00:06:16,507
Hey, Latka,
what are you doing here?
123
00:06:16,575 --> 00:06:17,842
I thought you had that,
uh, big appointment
124
00:06:17,909 --> 00:06:19,009
at the Immigration Office.
125
00:06:19,077 --> 00:06:20,378
That's right.
126
00:06:20,446 --> 00:06:21,579
What's the hurry?
127
00:06:21,647 --> 00:06:23,681
This is the third interview
we've lined up,
128
00:06:23,749 --> 00:06:25,516
and Simka has yet to show up.
129
00:06:25,584 --> 00:06:26,951
She's going to be deported,
130
00:06:27,018 --> 00:06:29,520
and my life's going
to be a barren desert.
131
00:06:29,588 --> 00:06:30,988
(sighs)
132
00:06:31,056 --> 00:06:32,957
Why did these interviews
have to happen
133
00:06:33,025 --> 00:06:35,693
while she's having
her crimpka poosh?
134
00:06:38,430 --> 00:06:39,997
Well, Latka,
135
00:06:40,065 --> 00:06:41,465
maybe if you
explain to them
136
00:06:41,533 --> 00:06:42,767
that she wasn't
feeling very well,
137
00:06:42,835 --> 00:06:44,702
they-they'd postpone it
for a couple of days.
138
00:06:44,770 --> 00:06:45,870
Couple of days?
139
00:06:45,938 --> 00:06:47,037
Yeah.
140
00:06:47,105 --> 00:06:49,273
It's going to be
more like two weeks.
141
00:06:49,341 --> 00:06:52,743
Oh, no, no, Latka, I'm
sure you're mistaken.
142
00:06:52,811 --> 00:06:54,745
No, Simka's...
143
00:06:56,581 --> 00:06:57,949
A woman's...
144
00:06:59,718 --> 00:07:01,653
Well...
145
00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:04,355
Well, my...
crimpka poosh...
146
00:07:04,423 --> 00:07:06,056
(laughs)
147
00:07:06,124 --> 00:07:08,827
...lasts four days tops.
148
00:07:08,894 --> 00:07:11,261
Elaine,
149
00:07:11,329 --> 00:07:14,666
you don't have crimpka poosh.
150
00:07:16,935 --> 00:07:19,069
Latka,
151
00:07:19,137 --> 00:07:23,407
I don't want to argue
the point, but I do.
152
00:07:23,475 --> 00:07:26,009
No, you don't.
153
00:07:26,077 --> 00:07:27,645
Yes, I do!
154
00:07:27,713 --> 00:07:28,880
You don't.
155
00:07:28,947 --> 00:07:32,817
Latka, I have crimpka poosh,
156
00:07:32,885 --> 00:07:37,555
and I have been crimpka pooshing
since I was 12.
157
00:07:39,057 --> 00:07:41,125
Elaine, you don't
by any chance think
158
00:07:41,192 --> 00:07:43,928
I'm talking
about your period, do you?
159
00:07:48,466 --> 00:07:50,468
Well, I did.
160
00:07:50,535 --> 00:07:54,038
But maybe because
I love talking about it so much.
161
00:07:55,140 --> 00:07:56,607
Now, wait a minute, wait.
162
00:07:56,675 --> 00:07:59,110
If that's not it, then-then what
is it you're talking about?
163
00:07:59,177 --> 00:08:00,611
TONY:
Yeah, what is it?
Yeah.
164
00:08:00,679 --> 00:08:02,914
Well, I'm talking
about the two weeks every month
165
00:08:02,982 --> 00:08:05,316
when Simka becomes
like another person.
166
00:08:05,383 --> 00:08:10,955
Is, uh... she,
by any chance, clumsy, Latka?
167
00:08:11,022 --> 00:08:13,157
Yes. How did you know?
168
00:08:13,225 --> 00:08:15,727
And she craves salt?
169
00:08:15,794 --> 00:08:16,961
Yes.
170
00:08:17,029 --> 00:08:19,831
As a matter of fact,
she puts it in the coffee.
171
00:08:19,899 --> 00:08:21,266
Hey, it tastes terrible.
172
00:08:21,333 --> 00:08:22,767
Uh-huh.
173
00:08:22,834 --> 00:08:24,936
Uh, does she have...
174
00:08:25,003 --> 00:08:26,571
headaches?
175
00:08:26,638 --> 00:08:28,740
Talking jags?
176
00:08:28,807 --> 00:08:30,808
Crying jags? Depressions?
177
00:08:30,875 --> 00:08:32,110
Yes.
178
00:08:32,177 --> 00:08:33,411
(clears throat)
179
00:08:33,478 --> 00:08:39,984
Latka, I'm no scientist
or medical authority.
180
00:08:40,052 --> 00:08:42,119
I'm just an average Joe.
181
00:08:44,956 --> 00:08:49,060
But in my opinion,
Simka suffers
182
00:08:49,128 --> 00:08:51,428
from premenstrual syndrome.
183
00:08:51,496 --> 00:08:53,697
Oh, really?
You think so?
184
00:08:53,765 --> 00:08:54,866
That's terrible.
185
00:08:54,933 --> 00:08:56,167
Yes.
186
00:08:56,234 --> 00:08:58,870
I read about it
in the Harvard Medical Journal.
187
00:09:01,940 --> 00:09:04,208
Or was it on a box
of Cocoa Puffs?
188
00:09:06,611 --> 00:09:07,912
Huh?
189
00:09:07,980 --> 00:09:10,013
Jim, please tell me
more about this.
190
00:09:10,081 --> 00:09:12,683
Simply stated,
191
00:09:12,751 --> 00:09:17,721
throughout Simka's
monthly cycle,
192
00:09:17,789 --> 00:09:22,427
hormonal changes occur which...
193
00:09:22,494 --> 00:09:24,028
(phone ringing)
194
00:09:24,096 --> 00:09:26,063
I'll get it.
195
00:09:26,131 --> 00:09:28,332
Hey! Hey, wait
a minute!
196
00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:29,533
Where are you going?
197
00:09:29,601 --> 00:09:30,801
Come back here, you.
198
00:09:30,869 --> 00:09:32,036
ELAINE:
Latka?
Wait a minute!
199
00:09:32,104 --> 00:09:33,705
Latka, I know what
Jim is talking about,
200
00:09:33,772 --> 00:09:35,106
and I think he's
right. I-I...
201
00:09:35,173 --> 00:09:36,607
Just... It sounds
like, uh...
202
00:09:36,675 --> 00:09:38,843
It sounds like Simka's suffering
from premenstrual syndrome.
203
00:09:38,911 --> 00:09:40,010
But don't worry about it.
204
00:09:40,078 --> 00:09:41,479
I had a friend
who had it.
205
00:09:41,546 --> 00:09:43,380
She went to her doctor.
He gave her vitamins.
206
00:09:43,448 --> 00:09:45,682
He changed her diet and-and
it really made a difference.
207
00:09:45,750 --> 00:09:47,317
How long did it take?
208
00:09:47,385 --> 00:09:49,386
About two months.
Well, I only
209
00:09:49,454 --> 00:09:51,288
have six minutes
before this interview.
210
00:09:51,356 --> 00:09:53,724
It's the last chance
before Simka gets deported.
211
00:09:53,792 --> 00:09:55,860
Hey, Latka, Latka, excuse
me, but, uh, sometimes
212
00:09:55,928 --> 00:09:58,863
when, uh, someone knows,
uh, what they've got,
213
00:09:58,930 --> 00:10:01,766
it makes it easier for
them to deal with it.
214
00:10:01,834 --> 00:10:04,168
Now I'll bet that just before
you go into that interview,
215
00:10:04,235 --> 00:10:06,170
if you take Simka aside
and explain to her
216
00:10:06,238 --> 00:10:07,338
just what's wrong with her,
217
00:10:07,406 --> 00:10:08,873
it's gonna help her
get through it.
218
00:10:08,941 --> 00:10:10,407
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, that sounds
like a good idea.
219
00:10:10,475 --> 00:10:11,942
Yeah.
I'm going to meet her
right now
220
00:10:12,010 --> 00:10:13,677
at the Department of
Immigration, and I'll tell her.
221
00:10:13,745 --> 00:10:14,846
Okay,
good luck.
Okay.
222
00:10:14,913 --> 00:10:16,013
Bye-bye.
223
00:10:16,081 --> 00:10:17,247
TONY:
Good luck, Latka.
224
00:10:17,315 --> 00:10:18,649
Good luck, baby.
I've got
to go, too, you guys.
225
00:10:18,717 --> 00:10:19,817
I'll see you.
226
00:10:19,885 --> 00:10:21,118
Hey, wait up.
I'll walk you out.
227
00:10:21,186 --> 00:10:22,286
Hey, take it easy, Al.
228
00:10:22,353 --> 00:10:23,521
Okay, see you later.
229
00:10:23,589 --> 00:10:25,089
LOUIE:
Boy, Reiger,
230
00:10:25,156 --> 00:10:26,557
I'd hate to be you.
231
00:10:26,625 --> 00:10:28,292
I'd hate to be the one
232
00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:31,596
who ends up having
to help everybody else.
233
00:10:31,663 --> 00:10:33,797
Geez, what a sap!
234
00:10:33,865 --> 00:10:35,532
It may surprise you, Louie,
235
00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:38,102
but I happen
to enjoy helping people.
236
00:10:38,169 --> 00:10:39,403
And, yes, I will admit,
237
00:10:39,470 --> 00:10:41,138
it gives me
a certain pleasure, yes.
238
00:10:41,205 --> 00:10:42,740
(groans)
239
00:10:42,808 --> 00:10:45,976
JIM:
Poor Latka.
240
00:10:46,044 --> 00:10:49,180
That was Simka on the phone.
241
00:10:49,247 --> 00:10:53,250
She says she's not gonna show up
for her interview this time.
242
00:10:53,318 --> 00:10:55,553
I tried to persuade her,
243
00:10:55,621 --> 00:10:58,289
but she growled at me.
244
00:10:58,356 --> 00:11:01,292
I guess she's gonna be deported.
245
00:11:01,359 --> 00:11:04,929
She is doomed.
246
00:11:07,098 --> 00:11:10,368
Is there no one
who can save her?
247
00:11:12,137 --> 00:11:15,673
Is there no one who
can go over there
248
00:11:15,741 --> 00:11:18,009
and talk some sense
249
00:11:18,076 --> 00:11:20,344
into the poor,
demented soul?
250
00:11:20,412 --> 00:11:23,981
Oh, it seems
so hopeless.
251
00:11:24,048 --> 00:11:25,216
(gasps)
252
00:11:25,284 --> 00:11:27,785
But wait a minute!
253
00:11:34,559 --> 00:11:38,296
Reiger the
Good is here!
254
00:11:38,363 --> 00:11:40,331
He'll save the day
255
00:11:40,398 --> 00:11:43,935
and enjoy
himself to boot.
256
00:11:46,371 --> 00:11:49,373
Let the good times roll, Reiger!
257
00:11:57,149 --> 00:11:59,417
(knocking on door)
ALEX:
Simka?
258
00:11:59,484 --> 00:12:02,653
(knocking continues)
Simka?!
259
00:12:05,223 --> 00:12:06,223
Simka?
260
00:12:06,291 --> 00:12:08,292
(growling)
261
00:12:10,662 --> 00:12:13,397
Simka, I, uh, I want
to talk to you.
262
00:12:13,464 --> 00:12:17,401
(Simka growling)
263
00:12:17,469 --> 00:12:21,105
Now, look, Simka, if that's
you, you better stop this.
264
00:12:21,172 --> 00:12:23,240
(yells)
265
00:12:23,308 --> 00:12:26,744
Oh, so, Reiger, what,
266
00:12:26,811 --> 00:12:28,979
you were just
in the neighborhood
267
00:12:29,047 --> 00:12:33,084
and decided to drop by
uninvited and scream at me?
268
00:12:33,152 --> 00:12:35,086
No, no, no, no,
no, I, uh...
269
00:12:35,153 --> 00:12:37,688
(crunching)
I was a little startled
270
00:12:37,755 --> 00:12:39,657
when you pulled
that curtain open.
Mm-hmm.
271
00:12:39,724 --> 00:12:41,959
Look, Simka, I just came here
to tell you something that,
272
00:12:42,027 --> 00:12:43,594
that's gonna make you
feel a lot better
273
00:12:43,662 --> 00:12:45,028
so you can go to the interview.
274
00:12:46,731 --> 00:12:50,100
I ain't going to no interview!
275
00:12:52,037 --> 00:12:55,439
(whimpering):
My barbecue chips!
276
00:12:59,444 --> 00:13:01,845
Oh, come on, Simka,
you got to go.
277
00:13:01,913 --> 00:13:04,114
If you don't go, you're gonna
have to leave the country.
278
00:13:09,154 --> 00:13:14,292
I'm going to have to leave
the country anyway, Reiger.
279
00:13:14,359 --> 00:13:17,628
Because I'm crazy.
280
00:13:17,696 --> 00:13:22,466
I'm a mad woman that
Latka is well rid of.
281
00:13:22,534 --> 00:13:27,537
Dear Lord, help me, I'm wacko!
282
00:13:27,605 --> 00:13:29,706
I'm wacko!
283
00:13:29,774 --> 00:13:31,709
Reiger, I'm wacko.
284
00:13:31,776 --> 00:13:34,078
No, Simka, Simka,
you are not crazy.
285
00:13:34,145 --> 00:13:36,080
You are not wacko.
286
00:13:36,148 --> 00:13:38,449
You have premenstrual syndrome.
287
00:13:42,353 --> 00:13:45,156
Pre-what syndrome?
288
00:13:45,223 --> 00:13:46,924
Menstrual.
289
00:13:49,261 --> 00:13:52,229
You had just better
be talking about
290
00:13:52,297 --> 00:13:56,467
little men in blackface
who play the banjos, buddy.
291
00:13:58,704 --> 00:14:01,004
Because where I come from,
292
00:14:01,072 --> 00:14:03,507
we do not talk about
the other thing
293
00:14:03,575 --> 00:14:05,309
in front of a man.
294
00:14:05,376 --> 00:14:07,812
Oh, come on, Simka,
this is America!
295
00:14:07,879 --> 00:14:10,281
Oh! Oh, it's America.
296
00:14:10,348 --> 00:14:13,183
Oh, forgive me, I lost my head.
297
00:14:13,251 --> 00:14:15,919
I-I got nothing
to be ashamed of here.
298
00:14:15,987 --> 00:14:17,588
No, no, sir.
299
00:14:17,656 --> 00:14:22,726
I want all America to know
that I have a menstrual problem.
300
00:14:22,794 --> 00:14:24,094
Maybe we could just
301
00:14:24,162 --> 00:14:28,232
work it in to the half-time
show at the Super Bowl.
302
00:14:28,300 --> 00:14:29,900
No, no, wait, wait.
Where are you going?
303
00:14:29,968 --> 00:14:32,436
Oh, I'm just going
up to the roof
304
00:14:32,503 --> 00:14:35,840
to sing a few bars
of "I Enjoy Being a Girl"
305
00:14:35,908 --> 00:14:37,675
and then I'm gonna jump.
306
00:14:37,743 --> 00:14:38,709
No, no, no, Simka, Simka,
307
00:14:38,776 --> 00:14:40,043
Simka, please,
just listen to me,
308
00:14:40,111 --> 00:14:42,112
listen, you're not crazy,
you're not crazy.
309
00:14:42,180 --> 00:14:44,448
You have premenstrual syndrome.
310
00:14:44,516 --> 00:14:46,684
Simka, it's not your fault.
311
00:14:46,752 --> 00:14:48,185
Now a lot of women have it.
312
00:14:48,253 --> 00:14:49,619
It's not completely understood,
313
00:14:49,687 --> 00:14:51,254
but I'm telling you,
it can be treated.
314
00:14:54,326 --> 00:14:55,993
You're not just lying to me
315
00:14:56,061 --> 00:14:58,062
to get me to go
to that interview, are you?
316
00:14:58,130 --> 00:15:00,597
No, no, no, no, I'm
telling you the truth.
317
00:15:00,665 --> 00:15:02,800
Really?
318
00:15:02,867 --> 00:15:04,134
Yes, yes, of course.
319
00:15:04,202 --> 00:15:07,171
Simka, there's nothing
to be ashamed of.
320
00:15:07,239 --> 00:15:10,207
Well then, if there's
nothing to be ashamed of,
321
00:15:10,275 --> 00:15:13,977
how come it hasn't been
the movie of the week?
322
00:15:14,045 --> 00:15:16,747
Well, I'm sure it will be.
323
00:15:16,815 --> 00:15:19,717
They'll probably
call it "The Love Bloat."
324
00:15:19,784 --> 00:15:21,251
(laughing)
325
00:15:25,724 --> 00:15:28,159
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
326
00:15:28,226 --> 00:15:30,127
What if I go to this interview
327
00:15:30,194 --> 00:15:34,498
and then I get there
and I say the wrong thing?
328
00:15:34,566 --> 00:15:36,433
Would you please help me, Alex?
329
00:15:36,501 --> 00:15:38,268
Of course, I'll...
Oh!
330
00:15:38,336 --> 00:15:40,538
Don't touch me,
just help me.
Right.
331
00:15:40,605 --> 00:15:42,573
I won't touch you,
I won't touch you.
332
00:15:42,641 --> 00:15:44,208
Look, Simka, all
I can say to you
333
00:15:44,275 --> 00:15:46,810
is that if you don't go down
to that Immigration office
334
00:15:46,877 --> 00:15:49,379
right now, they're
going to deport you.
335
00:15:50,882 --> 00:15:52,883
And you're gonna
break Latka's heart
336
00:15:52,950 --> 00:15:55,352
and possibly ruin
both of your lives.
337
00:15:55,420 --> 00:15:58,989
Now, look, Simka, now
that I think you know
338
00:15:59,057 --> 00:16:02,426
what causes the problem
and that you're not crazy,
339
00:16:02,493 --> 00:16:05,362
that you'll be able to find it
in yourself to get up now
340
00:16:05,429 --> 00:16:08,599
and go down to that interview
and get through it.
341
00:16:08,667 --> 00:16:10,701
I'm, I'm gonna try.
342
00:16:10,769 --> 00:16:11,935
Good, good.
343
00:16:12,003 --> 00:16:15,005
And, and, and I think
I could do it, too.
344
00:16:15,072 --> 00:16:16,706
I know you can.
I think I could
345
00:16:16,774 --> 00:16:20,811
get myself under control
and convince them
346
00:16:20,879 --> 00:16:23,947
that I'm a reasonably
sane and rational person.
347
00:16:24,015 --> 00:16:25,616
Right.
348
00:16:25,683 --> 00:16:29,120
All right, let's go.
349
00:16:32,524 --> 00:16:34,859
Wait, uh, Simka, wait,
350
00:16:34,926 --> 00:16:38,128
uh, what about
what you're wearing?
351
00:16:38,196 --> 00:16:41,164
Of course.
352
00:16:44,102 --> 00:16:46,170
Do you like this?
353
00:16:46,238 --> 00:16:48,305
Now that is exactly
what a rational,
354
00:16:48,372 --> 00:16:50,173
sane person would wear.
355
00:16:50,241 --> 00:16:52,743
Good, I'll change on the bus.
356
00:16:52,810 --> 00:16:55,679
No, no, no, no, Simka,
wait, Simka, wait, wait!
357
00:16:58,516 --> 00:17:00,250
LATKA:
But I think my favorite part
358
00:17:00,318 --> 00:17:02,319
of Americais the fruited plain.
359
00:17:02,387 --> 00:17:04,154
Of course the purple
mountain majesty
360
00:17:04,222 --> 00:17:05,789
is nothing to shake a stick at.
361
00:17:05,857 --> 00:17:07,424
And you know, when
I hear people say
362
00:17:07,492 --> 00:17:08,825
that they don't like America,
363
00:17:08,893 --> 00:17:11,094
they think it's a troubled
land on its last legs,
364
00:17:11,162 --> 00:17:14,098
I say, "You should be happy
to live in a land
365
00:17:14,166 --> 00:17:16,299
"where you have the
freedom to criticize.
366
00:17:16,367 --> 00:17:18,435
"In my country, you'd
be covered with jelly
367
00:17:18,503 --> 00:17:20,771
and sent to live
among the fat."
368
00:17:20,839 --> 00:17:25,976
Mr. Gravas, please,
the question was,
369
00:17:26,044 --> 00:17:28,712
"What was your wife's
maiden name?"
370
00:17:28,780 --> 00:17:31,748
Dahblitz.
371
00:17:31,816 --> 00:17:33,049
But I don't understand
372
00:17:33,117 --> 00:17:35,385
why you're asking me
these, these questions.
373
00:17:35,453 --> 00:17:36,920
"What is my favorite TV show?"
374
00:17:36,988 --> 00:17:39,189
"What do I have for
breakfast this morning?"
375
00:17:39,257 --> 00:17:41,559
Why don't you ask me
why I love America?
376
00:17:41,626 --> 00:17:44,928
I'm asking specific
personal questions
377
00:17:44,996 --> 00:17:48,231
so I can compare
your answers to your wife's
378
00:17:48,299 --> 00:17:50,901
to make sure that you
really live together.
379
00:17:50,969 --> 00:17:52,970
You know, a lot of people
try to fool us
380
00:17:53,038 --> 00:17:55,238
with a paper marriage so
they can stay in the country.
381
00:17:55,306 --> 00:17:58,108
Frankly, Mr. Gravas,
382
00:17:58,176 --> 00:18:00,344
since your wife
hasn't been showing up,
383
00:18:00,412 --> 00:18:02,445
I've become a little
suspicious of you.
384
00:18:02,513 --> 00:18:04,014
You think you can tell a lot
385
00:18:04,082 --> 00:18:08,652
from asking me these
stupid questions?
386
00:18:08,719 --> 00:18:10,554
It isn't just the questions.
387
00:18:10,622 --> 00:18:12,723
I also look to see
how people react.
388
00:18:12,791 --> 00:18:14,758
That's the real giveaway.
389
00:18:14,826 --> 00:18:17,561
If people are very nervous
and fidgety, well,
390
00:18:17,628 --> 00:18:19,663
I know they're trying
to put one over on us.
391
00:18:19,731 --> 00:18:22,399
Yeah, well let me tell you
something about my wife.
392
00:18:22,467 --> 00:18:24,902
She's naturally
nervous and fidgety.
393
00:18:24,969 --> 00:18:27,170
And matter of fact, one of
the reasons I married her
394
00:18:27,238 --> 00:18:29,473
is because she's
nervous and fidgety.
395
00:18:29,540 --> 00:18:30,941
Wait until you see.
396
00:18:31,009 --> 00:18:32,776
It's a real turn-on.
397
00:18:32,844 --> 00:18:35,145
She's one...
398
00:18:35,213 --> 00:18:37,948
She's one hot, fidgety mama.
399
00:18:38,015 --> 00:18:41,518
Yeah, well, if she doesn't
get here in about a minute,
400
00:18:41,585 --> 00:18:43,887
I'm afraid I'm going
to have to miss that.
401
00:18:43,955 --> 00:18:46,890
Now, Mr. Gravas,
the final question is,
402
00:18:46,958 --> 00:18:50,828
"What was the last movie
you and your wife saw together?"
403
00:18:50,896 --> 00:18:54,798
Um, oh, it was
Officer and a Gentleman.
404
00:18:54,866 --> 00:18:56,300
I remember because I thought
405
00:18:56,368 --> 00:18:58,335
it was going to be
a double feature.
406
00:19:02,607 --> 00:19:04,307
Well, that was the last question
407
00:19:04,375 --> 00:19:05,975
and she's still not here.
408
00:19:06,043 --> 00:19:08,178
I'm afraid I'm going to have
to terminate her application.
409
00:19:08,246 --> 00:19:09,380
No! No!
I'm sorry.
410
00:19:09,447 --> 00:19:11,015
No, please, no, no,
but you don't understand
411
00:19:11,082 --> 00:19:13,617
what America means
to people like us.
I have to get home for dinner.
412
00:19:13,684 --> 00:19:15,418
I love my wife.
If you send her back,
413
00:19:15,486 --> 00:19:17,955
Yes.
I have to go too and our
children won't be able to,
414
00:19:18,022 --> 00:19:20,157
I understand that.
to grow up in such
a beautiful country.
415
00:19:20,225 --> 00:19:22,459
Please, understand that.
416
00:19:22,527 --> 00:19:24,461
I take it this
is Mrs. Gravas?
417
00:19:24,528 --> 00:19:26,897
Yes.
418
00:19:28,332 --> 00:19:30,834
Hello, everybody.
419
00:19:30,902 --> 00:19:32,435
Simka, I have to
talk to you.
420
00:19:32,503 --> 00:19:34,872
I have some good news
about your crimpka poosh.
421
00:19:34,939 --> 00:19:36,707
Not now, dear.
422
00:19:36,774 --> 00:19:39,275
Um, hello.
423
00:19:39,343 --> 00:19:41,578
I'm so sorry I'm late.
424
00:19:41,646 --> 00:19:43,947
And I hope I haven't
inconvenienced you,
425
00:19:44,015 --> 00:19:45,782
Mr. Officer of the Land.
426
00:19:45,850 --> 00:19:47,083
Sit down, will you?
427
00:19:47,151 --> 00:19:48,685
Thank you.
428
00:19:48,753 --> 00:19:51,255
Good.
429
00:19:51,322 --> 00:19:53,290
Now, Mrs. Gravas,
430
00:19:53,358 --> 00:19:54,925
I'm going to ask
a few questions.
431
00:19:54,992 --> 00:19:56,426
Right.
432
00:19:56,494 --> 00:20:00,731
What was the last movie you
and your husband saw together?
433
00:20:03,534 --> 00:20:08,438
With all due respect, do you
mind if I ask you a question?
434
00:20:08,506 --> 00:20:09,506
Sure.
435
00:20:09,574 --> 00:20:11,174
What has that got to do
436
00:20:11,242 --> 00:20:13,944
with the price of tea in China?
437
00:20:14,012 --> 00:20:18,181
I'm going to compare your
answer to your husband's.
438
00:20:18,249 --> 00:20:21,752
Now, what was the last movie
you two saw together?
439
00:20:21,820 --> 00:20:25,355
Okay, let me think.
440
00:20:25,423 --> 00:20:29,026
Movie.
441
00:20:29,094 --> 00:20:33,663
Movie, movie, movie,
movie, movie...
442
00:20:35,399 --> 00:20:37,801
Why am I thinking about movies?
443
00:20:37,869 --> 00:20:40,571
Because I asked you
what the last movie
444
00:20:40,639 --> 00:20:42,472
you two saw together was.
445
00:20:42,540 --> 00:20:44,274
Oh! Of course!
446
00:20:44,341 --> 00:20:45,776
Of course, wait a minute.
447
00:20:45,844 --> 00:20:47,211
Um...
448
00:20:47,278 --> 00:20:50,981
Ooh, it's just right
on the top of my tongue.
449
00:20:51,049 --> 00:20:53,783
Oh, let me think,
what was it?
450
00:20:53,851 --> 00:20:55,886
What was it? What was
it? What was it?
451
00:20:55,953 --> 00:20:59,823
See, I told you.
It's a real turn-on.
452
00:20:59,891 --> 00:21:01,691
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
453
00:21:01,759 --> 00:21:05,395
I, I, I got it!
454
00:21:05,463 --> 00:21:09,566
What was the last movie
455
00:21:09,634 --> 00:21:14,004
that Latka and I
saw together?
456
00:21:14,072 --> 00:21:16,840
That's the question.
457
00:21:16,908 --> 00:21:18,341
What's the answer?
458
00:21:18,409 --> 00:21:21,078
Oh, of course.
459
00:21:21,146 --> 00:21:22,479
Of course.
460
00:21:22,547 --> 00:21:24,247
No, wait a minute,
no, no, don't worry,
461
00:21:24,315 --> 00:21:25,816
uh, I can think of it.
462
00:21:25,883 --> 00:21:27,250
I can think of it, don't worry.
463
00:21:27,318 --> 00:21:30,287
Don't worry.
464
00:21:30,355 --> 00:21:33,490
(shrieks) I got it!
465
00:21:33,558 --> 00:21:34,791
I got it.
466
00:21:34,859 --> 00:21:38,061
It was Ghandi.
467
00:21:39,698 --> 00:21:42,699
Oh, she's right.
468
00:21:42,767 --> 00:21:44,468
I'm sorry, I forgot.
469
00:21:44,535 --> 00:21:45,902
I forgot.
470
00:21:45,970 --> 00:21:48,438
I said it was
Officer and a Gentleman.
471
00:21:48,506 --> 00:21:49,906
But, but don't worry, Simka.
472
00:21:49,974 --> 00:21:52,008
There are still
a few more questions.
No!
473
00:21:52,076 --> 00:21:53,777
Excuse me.
474
00:21:57,916 --> 00:22:01,017
What do you mean there are
still a few more questions?
475
00:22:01,085 --> 00:22:02,686
We already got one wrong
476
00:22:02,753 --> 00:22:05,289
because you can't
tell the difference
477
00:22:05,356 --> 00:22:08,692
between Richard Gere
and a bald Hindu.
478
00:22:12,029 --> 00:22:14,498
Now, now, Simka, be calm.
479
00:22:14,565 --> 00:22:16,133
What do you mean, be calm?
480
00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:18,001
You wouldn't be so calm
if it was you
481
00:22:18,069 --> 00:22:19,369
who was gonna get deported.
482
00:22:19,436 --> 00:22:20,904
Well, if you would
answer the questions,
483
00:22:20,971 --> 00:22:22,206
you won't be deported.
484
00:22:22,273 --> 00:22:24,541
Well, what's the use of
answering the questions
485
00:22:24,609 --> 00:22:26,410
if you got them all wrong?
486
00:22:26,478 --> 00:22:27,677
Now, listen here you...
487
00:22:27,745 --> 00:22:31,682
(arguing in foreign language)
488
00:22:31,750 --> 00:22:33,116
(yelling in foreign language)
489
00:22:33,184 --> 00:22:34,951
Uh, excuse me?
490
00:22:35,019 --> 00:22:36,386
Excuse me!
491
00:22:39,590 --> 00:22:42,893
I don't think there's any point
in going on with this interview.
492
00:22:44,996 --> 00:22:47,230
Oh, no!
493
00:22:47,298 --> 00:22:49,566
Latka, what have I done?
494
00:22:49,634 --> 00:22:51,902
Your green card
will be in the mail shortly.
495
00:22:51,969 --> 00:22:54,938
Yes, I'm thoroughly
convinced that you two
496
00:22:55,005 --> 00:22:57,908
are legitimately
husband and wife.
497
00:23:00,478 --> 00:23:02,378
Latka!
Simka!
498
00:23:02,446 --> 00:23:03,580
We did it!
Oh!
499
00:23:03,648 --> 00:23:06,282
Uh, you can leave now.
500
00:23:06,350 --> 00:23:08,619
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
501
00:23:08,686 --> 00:23:09,819
Uh, wait a minute.
502
00:23:09,887 --> 00:23:11,855
Aren't you gonna give us
that speech about
503
00:23:11,922 --> 00:23:13,423
"Welcome to America"?
504
00:23:13,491 --> 00:23:14,424
We don't do that.
505
00:23:14,492 --> 00:23:18,562
Oh...
506
00:23:18,629 --> 00:23:21,097
Welcome to America, Mrs. Gravas.
507
00:23:21,165 --> 00:23:23,867
Thank you!
508
00:23:23,935 --> 00:23:26,102
I passed!
509
00:23:35,446 --> 00:23:39,349
(theme song playing)
510
00:23:59,804 --> 00:24:01,271
WOMAN:
Good night, Mr. Walters!
511
00:24:01,338 --> 00:24:02,339
(man grumbling)
35438
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