Original subtitles

(theme song playing)

Hello, everybody.

Hi, Sim. Ooh.

Hello. Simka!

You changed your makeup, huh?

Oh, thanks for noticing, Elaine.

I got a new career.

As a mime?

No, Louie, I'm selling door-to-door cosmetics.

And your sample case blew up in your face?

Please, Louie!

This is girl talk.

Elaine... Oh...

I'm now selling Shishka Flook Cosmetics.

They're made in my homeland, and I bought the franchise

to 18 states including the entire eastern seaboard.

How could you afford that?

It cost six dollars.

You want to see the catalog, Elaine?

Okay, sure.

Okay, good, now come on and hurry up and buy something,

because I got a lot of territory to cover.

Okay.

Um...

Okay, yeah, let me have some of this perfume.

Oh, all right.

Now, would you like a whole jar or a half a jar?

Half a jar.

Oh, that's a shame.

With the whole jar, we throw in a free gift.

Oh, what's that?

The lid.

A whole jar.

All right. Good girl.

Here.

How would you like to be paid?

Oh, very much.

Okay.

Simka, uh, when can I expect my delivery?

Uh, eventually.

Bye, all.

Bye. Good-bye. Bye.

Congratulate me, folks.

I bought something

my brother says

I've been needing for a long time.

A brain?

No, boss.

I don't need a brain.

I bought something

my brother, Tom,

says is a good investment

for my inheritance money.

All right, Jim, what is it?

A rare coin.

Oh.

A 1916

Standing Liberty quarter

worth $5,000.

Ooh, nice, nice. (whistles)

Man. Want to see it?

Yeah. Yes.

Well, I guess I'd better savor this.

Oh, no, Jim, you bought a cup of coffee

with a $5,000 coin?

Yeah. No cream, no sugar.

Hey, listen.

We got to get your quarter back.

Yeah, uh...

Yeah, if only that were possible.

Yeah, well, Louie has the key.

But I already had half the cup.

ALEX: Oh, Jim!

I did it.

I made a great investment.

No kidding, Jim? Hey, come here, sit down.

Something I can enjoy

while it goes up in value...

according to my brother.

Art?

No. Tom.

Hold on to your seats.

I bought Mario's.

Signed the papers this morning,

and I've been running the place ever since.

There you go, boss.

Hey, Jim, uh, why Mario's?

You wouldn't believe what they were asking for Disney World.

Jim, Mario's has been on the skids for years.

I mean, mortuaries do better return business.

Well, we have breakfast here every morning.

We come here every night.

Why do we come here if it's not a great place?

It's next door to the garage.

So is the dry cleaners and we never eat there.

Hey, boss, I forgot to tell you,

the guy dropped off the plans that you asked for.

Oh, great.

Wait till you guys see this.

It's my vision of the new Mario's.

There's gonna be lots of volcanic rock.

Red lights and waterfalls all over the place.

Right in the middle here,

there's gonna be a little pond

where a woman will play the harp

on a swan shaped boat.

Let's see that.

PU!

Yeah, it is a little busy.

Okay, so I made a false start.

I'm still going to make Mario's great.

Let's have a brainstorm.

Tony?

Um, I don't know.

The best bars I've ever been in had free peanuts.

Oh, you should have a really good house wine.

Good wine and free peanuts.

Takes me back to the good ol' days

when I used to sleep at the zoo.

(groaning)

Do you have any suggestions, Alex?

Yeah, I think you should have, um,

a lady playing the harp on a swan-shaped boat, you know?

Oh, yeah? No, no, no, no.

I... I think instead you should have a piano.

Wouldn't the boat sink?

No, no, Jim, I mean...

I mean, in a corner someplace.

Well, maybe we could put it over there

by my brother, Tom.

Tom!

What are you doing here?

I came to have a look at your so-called investment.

Oh, that's great.

I was just talking about what I should do to the place.

I think it should be burned to the ground,

the wreckage bulldozed,

the ashes scattered and the earth salted

so that nothing will ever grow on this spot again.

Well, I think I'd like to try free peanuts first.

Come on, I'd like to introduce you to my friends.

Here, straighten your tie, huh?

Get your hands off.

Tom, this is Tony.

Hey, Tom. How are you?

How you doing?

And Elaine.

Hello. Hi.

And Alex.

Yeah, I think we've met.

Yes.

I take it you think Jim made a mistake, huh?

No, I think I made a mistake.

Well, you said you wanted responsibility.

I said, "If you'd like to make an investment, go ahead.

I'll let you make an investment."

And look at what you bought.

No, no, Tom. Don't rain on my parade.

Let's have a toast.

Yeah. Yeah, let's have one.

Jim, you've squandered your money

on the sleaziest dive I've ever seen.

You're an immature, irresponsible,

childlike simpleton.

Hear, hear!

I don't think you want to drink to that.

Oh, no, it's okay.

You don't know my brother, Tom.

He's a pompous ass.

Hey, Tom, I'm telling you.

This place might have seen better days,

but I think Jim could make a go of it here.

Yeah, why don't you give him a chance

before you say he's a failure?

Yeah.

Yeah, why don't you give me a chance?

I've only had it one day.

What could I have done in one day?

Hello, Mr. Ignatowski.

I'm Tracy Donovan with the New York State Liquor Authority.

I've been observing here for a couple of hours,

and, in that time, I've seen three violations.

Now I'm gonna file a report,

and I have to warn you

that if you have one more violation,

we'll close this place down.

(door closes)

Big shot.

Well, Jim, I guess there's a lot you can do in one day.

I've got to be more careful.

I'm more responsible than you think.

Come on, Jim, you wouldn't last a week.

Oh, yeah?

You come back here one week from today

and you'll see this place crowded and successful

and I'm gonna be the one who's responsible for it.

All right.

All right, I'll give you one week.

(quietly): Bye, Tom.

He's been doing this to me ever since we were kids.

I sent away for a book

on ventriloquism and he says,

"You'll never learn how to do that."

I said I was going out for the Little League,

and he said,

"You're wasting your time."

I said I wanted to drive my bicycle off the roof.

No.

That time, he encouraged me.

We're here to help you out.

Come here. Come on, we got things to talk about.

Hey, Jim. What are you doing here?

Just taking my dinner break.

Why don't you eat in your restaurant?

I hate to eat alone.

Aw. Is business still bad?

Ah, it's picking up a little.

Today, some guy came in to use the telephone.

He didn't have any ID, so I kicked him out.

Well, better safe than sorry.

Here, why don't you guys join me?

I can't eat this whole thing myself.

Jim, how come you can't eat that one piece by yourself?

Because it's awful.

I'm doing all the cooking now.

What happened to the chef? TONY: Yeah?

I had to let him go-- he took drugs.

Drugs? Are you sure?

You know how when a man makes a pizza, he does this?

Yeah.

And he does this? Yeah. Yeah.

And then he does this? Yeah, so? Yeah.

Well, I caught him doing that with the soup.

My brother's right-- I'm a flop,

a failure, a zero.

Jim, there are worms on that pizza.

Oh, it's all right.

It's our Fisherman's Special.

(clears throat)

That's really Chinese noodles.

I painted the little eyes on.

It was either that or go crazy.

Hey, Jim, Jim, I think we can help you out.

Great, 'cause I got another big can of noodles

and a couple extra brushes. No, no, no, no.

I think between the three of us

we can suggest, uh, things

to help you improve your business. Yeah.

Alex, I've tried everything:

ads,

drinks at half price.

Well, why don't you try a wet T-shirt contest?

I had one.

The only contestant was a 400-pound ex-marine

with a hairy chest.

Interesting effect,

but not enough to hold a supper crowd.

I'm lucky my brother wasn't there that night.

I'd rather he see an empty bar

than people pelting me with dinner rolls.

When's your brother coming?

Tonight.

And when he does, he's gonna see

one person in the bar:

his dumb failure of a brother.

Oh, no.

Man, there's got to be something we can do to help Jim.

Come on. Yeah.

Well, what's the big fuss here?

Oh, Jim's gonna be humiliated

in front of his brother.

So what? His brother's never

gonna trust him with large amounts of money anymore.

And rightly so.

I mean, he's a goofball.

Well, every cloud has a silver lining.

At least you won't be able

to sponge off him anymore, Louie.

Mm.

Hey, all right.

All right, listen up, everybody.

Listen up, all you cabbies.

Your mission tonight

is to pack Mario's.

Now, I want everybody to radio me

as soon as you get a fare.

I don't care who it is.

I don't care where they want to go.

They're gonna end up in Mario's.

You leave it to me.

(cabbies murmuring)

All right, come on. Nardo.

Come on, 218...

JIM: Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Boy, I sure wish

my brother would show up

and ridicule me

so I can go home.

ELAINE: Louie, I've got some out-of-towners here

who are interested in seeing some celebrities,

and they want to go to Sardi's.

LOUIE: Well, drop 'em off quick, Nardo,

because I need two cabs

to pick up Brando and Olivier at Mario's.

I can't put 'em in the same cab.

You know how those guys are.

Hey, Mario's. (excited chattering)

Mario's? Mario's.

(laughter)

Louie, this is Alex.

I'm at Saint Patrick's Cathedral,

and I've got a couple of, uh, nuns

who want to go to the movies.

LOUIE: Ah, everything on the screen these days is filth.

Might I suggest a pleasant evening

of wholesome food at Mario's?

If you like, I'll call ahead and reserve the Monsignor's table.

Oh, what a nice man.

Pray for him.

(sighs)

Well, Jim,

you had your week.

Looks like you failed.

Do you have any excuses?

Nope.

Why don't you sit over there and have a beer

while you gloat?

Sure.

Tommy, a beer for my brother.

TOMMY: Right away, boss.

Ah.

Here you go, Jim, some customers.

Ah, welcome to Mario's.

Do you have a reservation?

Uh, no, Jim.

They're friends of mine.

Listen, uh...

(clears throat)

...all of the cabbies are bringing people here tonight,

and, uh, some of them are coming

under sort of false pretenses,

so, uh, play along with them, okay?

Okeydoke.

Here you go, sit right over here.

Got a table all ready for you.

(Alex mumbles)

We're here to see some celebrities.

Oh, say, look here.

Sally Field and Mary Martin.

TONY: Hey, Jim!

Hey, come on in, guys.

Hey, Jim, these guys came all the way from Dubuque, Iowa,

to see some belly dancing.

Have a good time, gents. See you, Jimmy.

Well, happy customers are the best advertisement.

No, no, no, no...

All right.

Hey, uh, we were told

this place had a piano bar.

Oh, it certainly does, and there it is.

All right! Have a seat.

Thank you.

Huh, well,

those two were easy to take care of.

Uh, Jim, I think they're expecting

to see somebody play that piano.

You think so?

I'm almost sure of it.

Well, you play piano, don't you?

Yeah, I do, but I'm not...

Well, help me out, Alex, please.

No, I can't play in front of people. I can't.

Just-Just tonight. All right.

All right, all right, all right.

I'll just play quietly, a little background music,

but, uh, I mean, I don't want to draw any attention to myself.

I'm very shy in front of people, all right?

Okeydoke.

(clears throat)

(clears throat)

Ladies and gentlemen...

Jim!

No, no. Jim, no, no.

Jim's Mario's is proud to present

for your musical entertainment,

America's premier balladeer...

Jim, please.

...the one and only Alex Reiger.

Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim! All right!

Yay!

I told you, I'm not...

Jim, there is no way you're gonna get me to sing

in front of these people.

(whistles, applause, and cheering)

Closing time, folks!

No! (crowd groaning)

Okay, that's all for tonight, folks.

Good night.

(crowd groaning)

JIM: That's right.

Time to go home.

(crowd groaning)

No, no, no, no.

We do have laws.

You can stay, and I can serve you another drink,

and they'll close me down.

(crowd groaning) Sorry.

Bye.

I'm gonna tell all of my friends about this place.

You really know how to make people feel welcome.

Okay.

MAN: Should be open seven nights a week.

JIM: I'm working on it.

Ah, boy.

Thanks, you guys.

Tonight was a dream come true.

And I owe it all to you.

Oh, it was our pleasure.

You ain't kidding.

Good night, Jim.

Good night. Oh, thanks, Tony.

All right. Come on.

ALEX: Oh, Jim, Jim.

What a night.

What a night! Ah!

Hey, Jim, did you ever think

of adding a couple of drums and a bass player?

I love it. I love it.

I knew you would. I'm so glad.

Good night. Good night, Alex.

Jim?

Huh?

I'm glad you proved me wrong.

I'd like to shake your hand.

Tom, I'm glad

I proved you wrong, too.

I want to give you a big hug.

All right.

All right, brother.

Listen, I'm gonna... I'm gonna get my coat,

and then I'll-I'll drive you home, okay?

Okay.

(laughs)

(sighs)

Hey, you-- you're the owner here, aren't you?

That's right.

I want you to know that I had

a very, very good time tonight.

Thanks. I'm glad you did.

I'm glad you did.

And say, I was... I was wondering, uh,

if you could sell me a bottle of brandy to take home?

Ah, sorry.

It's against the law.

Well, that's true, but,

see, I just got off the phone with my mother,

and she's got arthritis, and it's really bothering her,

and I know the brandy would help.

I'm sorry.

The Liquor Authority told me

that if I had one more violation,

they'd close me down.

Please?!

Look, there's nobody here but you and me.

You'd only be bending the law just a little bit,

and you'd really be helping my mother out.

(sighs and sputters)

All right.

Here you go.

Mr. Ignatowski,

I'm an undercover agent

with the New York Liquor Authority.

This is your fourth violation in one week.

I'm afraid we're gonna have to close you down.

TOM: Ah, no, Jim.

Jim, you're hopeless.

I thought for once in your life you'd finally manage

to not screw things up.

I wanted to believe in you,

but this just proves that you're a failure,

and you're gonna stay

a failure your entire life.

Can I say one word in my defense?

Seltzer.

Now get out of here.

And you tell the guys

down at the Liquor Authority

that I'm a man to be reckoned with!

Oh.

How many times can I apologize to you in one day?

I never get tired of hearing it.

(laughs)

Let's go home. Come on.

All right.

(sighs)

TOM: Here, uh,

straighten your tie.

(Jim laughs)

Come on.

Okay.

(theme song playing)

WOMAN: Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)