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1
00:00:01,600 --> 00:00:04,435
(theme song playing)
2
00:01:19,711 --> 00:01:22,180
Hello, everybody.
3
00:01:22,247 --> 00:01:23,281
Hi, Sim.
Ooh.
4
00:01:23,348 --> 00:01:25,483
Hello.
Simka!
5
00:01:25,551 --> 00:01:27,418
You changed your
makeup, huh?
6
00:01:27,486 --> 00:01:30,288
Oh, thanks for noticing, Elaine.
7
00:01:30,356 --> 00:01:32,490
I got a new career.
8
00:01:32,557 --> 00:01:34,092
As a mime?
9
00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:38,463
No, Louie, I'm selling
door-to-door cosmetics.
10
00:01:38,530 --> 00:01:41,833
And your sample case
blew up in your face?
11
00:01:41,901 --> 00:01:43,934
Please, Louie!
12
00:01:44,002 --> 00:01:45,536
This is girl talk.
13
00:01:45,604 --> 00:01:47,439
Elaine...
Oh...
14
00:01:47,507 --> 00:01:50,542
I'm now selling Shishka
Flook Cosmetics.
15
00:01:50,610 --> 00:01:53,444
They're made in my homeland,
and I bought the franchise
16
00:01:53,512 --> 00:01:58,016
to 18 states including
the entire eastern seaboard.
17
00:01:58,084 --> 00:01:59,484
How could you
afford that?
18
00:01:59,551 --> 00:02:02,087
It cost six dollars.
19
00:02:02,154 --> 00:02:05,523
You want to see
the catalog, Elaine?
20
00:02:05,591 --> 00:02:07,192
Okay, sure.
21
00:02:07,259 --> 00:02:09,461
Okay, good, now come on and
hurry up and buy something,
22
00:02:09,528 --> 00:02:12,096
because I got a lot
of territory to cover.
23
00:02:12,164 --> 00:02:13,831
Okay.
24
00:02:13,899 --> 00:02:15,033
Um...
25
00:02:15,101 --> 00:02:17,368
Okay, yeah, let me
have some of this perfume.
26
00:02:17,436 --> 00:02:18,737
Oh, all right.
27
00:02:18,804 --> 00:02:21,706
Now, would you like a
whole jar or a half a jar?
28
00:02:21,774 --> 00:02:23,141
Half a jar.
29
00:02:23,208 --> 00:02:24,708
Oh, that's a shame.
30
00:02:24,776 --> 00:02:27,378
With the whole jar,
we throw in a free gift.
31
00:02:27,446 --> 00:02:28,813
Oh, what's that?
32
00:02:28,881 --> 00:02:30,681
The lid.
33
00:02:30,749 --> 00:02:32,917
A whole jar.
34
00:02:32,985 --> 00:02:34,085
All right.
Good girl.
35
00:02:34,152 --> 00:02:35,453
Here.
36
00:02:35,521 --> 00:02:36,788
How would you like
to be paid?
37
00:02:36,855 --> 00:02:40,091
Oh, very much.
38
00:02:40,159 --> 00:02:41,259
Okay.
39
00:02:41,327 --> 00:02:44,396
Simka, uh,
when can I expect my delivery?
40
00:02:44,463 --> 00:02:45,897
Uh, eventually.
41
00:02:45,964 --> 00:02:47,298
Bye, all.
42
00:02:47,366 --> 00:02:48,966
Bye.
Good-bye.
Bye.
43
00:02:56,742 --> 00:02:59,644
Congratulate me, folks.
44
00:03:00,813 --> 00:03:03,647
I bought something
45
00:03:03,715 --> 00:03:05,716
my brother says
46
00:03:05,784 --> 00:03:09,720
I've been needing
for a long time.
47
00:03:09,788 --> 00:03:11,756
A brain?
48
00:03:11,824 --> 00:03:13,925
No, boss.
49
00:03:13,993 --> 00:03:15,326
I don't need a brain.
50
00:03:18,598 --> 00:03:21,833
I bought something
51
00:03:21,901 --> 00:03:23,868
my brother, Tom,
52
00:03:23,935 --> 00:03:27,071
says is a good investment
53
00:03:27,139 --> 00:03:29,240
for my inheritance money.
54
00:03:29,308 --> 00:03:31,976
All right, Jim,
what is it?
55
00:03:32,044 --> 00:03:33,611
A rare coin.
56
00:03:33,678 --> 00:03:34,813
Oh.
57
00:03:34,880 --> 00:03:38,183
A 1916
58
00:03:38,250 --> 00:03:41,452
Standing Liberty quarter
59
00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:43,788
worth $5,000.
60
00:03:43,856 --> 00:03:45,189
Ooh, nice, nice.
(whistles)
61
00:03:45,257 --> 00:03:46,791
Man.
Want to see it?
62
00:03:46,859 --> 00:03:47,959
Yeah.
Yes.
63
00:04:07,880 --> 00:04:10,215
Well, I guess I'd
better savor this.
64
00:04:13,719 --> 00:04:16,320
Oh, no, Jim,
you bought a cup of coffee
65
00:04:16,388 --> 00:04:18,255
with a $5,000 coin?
66
00:04:18,323 --> 00:04:21,859
Yeah. No cream, no sugar.
67
00:04:21,927 --> 00:04:23,127
Hey, listen.
68
00:04:23,195 --> 00:04:24,596
We got to get
your quarter back.
69
00:04:24,663 --> 00:04:26,230
Yeah, uh...
70
00:04:26,298 --> 00:04:27,598
Yeah, if only that
were possible.
71
00:04:27,666 --> 00:04:29,533
Yeah, well, Louie
has the key.
72
00:04:29,601 --> 00:04:31,368
But I already had half the cup.
73
00:04:31,436 --> 00:04:33,137
ALEX:
Oh, Jim!
74
00:04:37,376 --> 00:04:39,444
I did it.
75
00:04:39,511 --> 00:04:41,513
I made a great
investment.
76
00:04:41,580 --> 00:04:44,148
No kidding, Jim? Hey,
come here, sit down.
77
00:04:44,216 --> 00:04:47,051
Something I can enjoy
78
00:04:47,119 --> 00:04:48,786
while it goes up in value...
79
00:04:48,854 --> 00:04:50,788
according to my brother.
80
00:04:50,856 --> 00:04:52,023
Art?
81
00:04:52,090 --> 00:04:54,125
No. Tom.
82
00:04:56,295 --> 00:04:59,563
Hold on to your seats.
83
00:04:59,631 --> 00:05:02,667
I bought Mario's.
84
00:05:02,735 --> 00:05:04,402
Signed the papers this morning,
85
00:05:04,470 --> 00:05:06,637
and I've been running the place
ever since.
86
00:05:06,705 --> 00:05:08,639
There you go, boss.
87
00:05:10,642 --> 00:05:13,578
Hey, Jim, uh,
why Mario's?
88
00:05:13,645 --> 00:05:16,814
You wouldn't believe what they
were asking for Disney World.
89
00:05:18,951 --> 00:05:21,452
Jim, Mario's has been
on the skids for years.
90
00:05:21,520 --> 00:05:24,255
I mean, mortuaries
do better return business.
91
00:05:24,323 --> 00:05:27,558
Well, we have breakfast here
every morning.
92
00:05:27,626 --> 00:05:29,627
We come here every night.
93
00:05:29,695 --> 00:05:32,730
Why do we come here
if it's not a great place?
94
00:05:32,798 --> 00:05:34,365
It's next door
to the garage.
95
00:05:34,433 --> 00:05:38,703
So is the dry cleaners
and we never eat there.
96
00:05:38,771 --> 00:05:40,104
Hey, boss, I forgot
to tell you,
97
00:05:40,172 --> 00:05:41,773
the guy dropped off the
plans that you asked for.
98
00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:43,674
Oh, great.
99
00:05:43,742 --> 00:05:48,112
Wait till you guys see this.
100
00:05:48,180 --> 00:05:52,683
It's my vision
of the new Mario's.
101
00:05:52,751 --> 00:05:57,755
There's gonna be lots
of volcanic rock.
102
00:05:57,823 --> 00:06:02,060
Red lights and waterfalls
all over the place.
103
00:06:02,128 --> 00:06:03,828
Right in the middle here,
104
00:06:03,896 --> 00:06:06,631
there's gonna be a little pond
105
00:06:06,698 --> 00:06:10,034
where a woman will play the harp
106
00:06:10,102 --> 00:06:12,837
on a swan shaped boat.
107
00:06:19,077 --> 00:06:22,213
Let's see that.
108
00:06:22,281 --> 00:06:23,781
PU!
109
00:06:24,883 --> 00:06:28,552
Yeah, it is a
little busy.
110
00:06:28,620 --> 00:06:31,122
Okay, so I made a false start.
111
00:06:31,190 --> 00:06:34,625
I'm still going
to make Mario's great.
112
00:06:34,693 --> 00:06:37,394
Let's have a brainstorm.
113
00:06:37,462 --> 00:06:38,596
Tony?
114
00:06:38,664 --> 00:06:40,031
Um, I don't know.
115
00:06:40,098 --> 00:06:42,233
The best bars I've ever been in
had free peanuts.
116
00:06:42,301 --> 00:06:45,436
Oh, you should have a
really good house wine.
117
00:06:45,504 --> 00:06:48,506
Good wine and free peanuts.
118
00:06:48,574 --> 00:06:50,808
Takes me back
to the good ol' days
119
00:06:50,876 --> 00:06:54,145
when I used to sleep
at the zoo.
120
00:06:55,247 --> 00:06:57,248
(groaning)
121
00:06:57,316 --> 00:06:59,617
Do you have any suggestions,
Alex?
122
00:06:59,685 --> 00:07:01,586
Yeah, I think you
should have, um,
123
00:07:01,653 --> 00:07:04,722
a lady playing the harp on a
swan-shaped boat, you know?
124
00:07:04,790 --> 00:07:06,491
Oh, yeah?
No, no, no, no.
125
00:07:06,558 --> 00:07:10,027
I... I think instead you
should have a piano.
126
00:07:10,095 --> 00:07:12,597
Wouldn't the boat sink?
127
00:07:12,665 --> 00:07:13,865
No, no, Jim, I mean...
128
00:07:13,932 --> 00:07:15,967
I mean,
in a corner someplace.
129
00:07:16,035 --> 00:07:18,168
Well, maybe we could
put it over there
130
00:07:18,236 --> 00:07:20,138
by my brother, Tom.
131
00:07:22,875 --> 00:07:25,443
Tom!
132
00:07:25,511 --> 00:07:27,645
What are you doing here?
133
00:07:27,712 --> 00:07:31,115
I came to have a look
at your so-called investment.
134
00:07:31,182 --> 00:07:32,517
Oh, that's great.
135
00:07:32,584 --> 00:07:35,953
I was just talking about
what I should do to the place.
136
00:07:36,021 --> 00:07:38,356
I think it should be
burned to the ground,
137
00:07:38,424 --> 00:07:40,458
the wreckage bulldozed,
138
00:07:40,526 --> 00:07:42,760
the ashes scattered
and the earth salted
139
00:07:42,828 --> 00:07:45,864
so that nothing will ever
grow on this spot again.
140
00:07:49,034 --> 00:07:51,636
Well, I think I'd like
to try free peanuts first.
141
00:07:54,573 --> 00:07:57,541
Come on, I'd like
to introduce you to my friends.
142
00:07:57,609 --> 00:07:58,709
Here, straighten
your tie, huh?
143
00:07:58,777 --> 00:07:59,844
Get your hands off.
144
00:08:03,181 --> 00:08:05,349
Tom, this is Tony.
145
00:08:05,417 --> 00:08:06,384
Hey, Tom.
How are you?
146
00:08:06,452 --> 00:08:07,552
How you doing?
147
00:08:07,619 --> 00:08:08,652
And Elaine.
148
00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:09,921
Hello.
Hi.
149
00:08:09,988 --> 00:08:11,088
And Alex.
150
00:08:11,156 --> 00:08:12,523
Yeah, I think we've met.
151
00:08:12,590 --> 00:08:13,858
Yes.
152
00:08:13,926 --> 00:08:16,927
I take it you think Jim
made a mistake, huh?
153
00:08:16,995 --> 00:08:18,963
No, I think I
made a mistake.
154
00:08:19,031 --> 00:08:21,899
Well, you said you
wanted responsibility.
155
00:08:21,967 --> 00:08:24,535
I said, "If you'd like to make
an investment, go ahead.
156
00:08:24,603 --> 00:08:26,404
I'll let you make
an investment."
157
00:08:26,471 --> 00:08:28,839
And look at
what you bought.
158
00:08:28,907 --> 00:08:33,377
No, no, Tom.
Don't rain on my parade.
159
00:08:33,445 --> 00:08:35,413
Let's have a toast.
160
00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:37,916
Yeah.
Yeah,
let's have one.
161
00:08:37,983 --> 00:08:39,450
Jim, you've
squandered your money
162
00:08:39,518 --> 00:08:41,719
on the sleaziest
dive I've ever seen.
163
00:08:41,787 --> 00:08:43,187
You're an immature,
irresponsible,
164
00:08:43,255 --> 00:08:44,922
childlike simpleton.
165
00:08:44,990 --> 00:08:46,757
Hear, hear!
166
00:08:51,096 --> 00:08:52,930
I don't think you want
to drink to that.
167
00:08:52,998 --> 00:08:55,633
Oh, no, it's okay.
168
00:08:55,701 --> 00:08:58,002
You don't know
my brother, Tom.
169
00:08:58,070 --> 00:09:00,371
He's a pompous ass.
170
00:09:03,775 --> 00:09:05,343
Hey, Tom,
I'm telling you.
171
00:09:05,410 --> 00:09:06,744
This place might have
seen better days,
172
00:09:06,811 --> 00:09:08,245
but I think Jim
could make a go of it here.
173
00:09:08,313 --> 00:09:09,714
Yeah, why don't you
give him a chance
174
00:09:09,782 --> 00:09:11,048
before you say
he's a failure?
175
00:09:11,116 --> 00:09:12,216
Yeah.
176
00:09:12,284 --> 00:09:13,750
Yeah, why don't you
give me a chance?
177
00:09:13,818 --> 00:09:15,285
I've only had it one day.
178
00:09:15,353 --> 00:09:17,021
What could I have done
in one day?
179
00:09:17,089 --> 00:09:19,490
Hello, Mr. Ignatowski.
180
00:09:19,558 --> 00:09:22,260
I'm Tracy Donovan with the
New York State Liquor Authority.
181
00:09:22,327 --> 00:09:25,129
I've been observing here
for a couple of hours,
182
00:09:25,197 --> 00:09:29,500
and, in that time,
I've seen three violations.
183
00:09:29,568 --> 00:09:31,168
Now I'm gonna
file a report,
184
00:09:31,236 --> 00:09:33,104
and I have to warn you
185
00:09:33,171 --> 00:09:34,772
that if you have
one more violation,
186
00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:37,141
we'll close this place down.
187
00:09:44,216 --> 00:09:45,616
(door closes)
188
00:09:45,684 --> 00:09:48,753
Big shot.
189
00:09:48,821 --> 00:09:51,989
Well, Jim, I guess there's
a lot you can do in one day.
190
00:09:52,057 --> 00:09:53,657
I've got to be more careful.
191
00:09:53,725 --> 00:09:56,027
I'm more responsible
than you think.
192
00:09:56,095 --> 00:09:57,461
Come on, Jim,
you wouldn't last a week.
193
00:09:57,529 --> 00:09:58,629
Oh, yeah?
194
00:09:58,697 --> 00:10:01,866
You come back here
one week from today
195
00:10:01,934 --> 00:10:04,835
and you'll see this place
crowded and successful
196
00:10:04,903 --> 00:10:07,671
and I'm gonna be the one
who's responsible for it.
197
00:10:07,739 --> 00:10:08,773
All right.
198
00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:11,542
All right,
I'll give you one week.
199
00:10:13,044 --> 00:10:14,979
(quietly):
Bye, Tom.
200
00:10:19,918 --> 00:10:23,921
He's been doing this to me
ever since we were kids.
201
00:10:25,023 --> 00:10:26,390
I sent away for a book
202
00:10:26,458 --> 00:10:28,792
on ventriloquism and he says,
203
00:10:28,860 --> 00:10:32,296
"You'll never learn
how to do that."
204
00:10:32,364 --> 00:10:34,699
I said I was going out
for the Little League,
205
00:10:34,766 --> 00:10:36,033
and he said,
206
00:10:36,101 --> 00:10:38,736
"You're wasting your time."
207
00:10:38,804 --> 00:10:43,173
I said I wanted to drive
my bicycle off the roof.
208
00:10:43,241 --> 00:10:45,242
No.
209
00:10:45,310 --> 00:10:47,845
That time, he encouraged me.
210
00:10:49,614 --> 00:10:50,881
We're here to help you out.
211
00:10:50,949 --> 00:10:53,317
Come here. Come on, we
got things to talk about.
212
00:11:00,259 --> 00:11:01,692
Hey, Jim.
What are you doing here?
213
00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:03,561
Just taking my dinner break.
214
00:11:03,628 --> 00:11:05,162
Why don't you eat
in your restaurant?
215
00:11:05,230 --> 00:11:06,764
I hate to eat alone.
216
00:11:06,832 --> 00:11:09,066
Aw. Is business
still bad?
217
00:11:09,134 --> 00:11:11,569
Ah, it's picking up a little.
218
00:11:11,636 --> 00:11:14,672
Today, some guy came in
to use the telephone.
219
00:11:14,740 --> 00:11:18,943
He didn't have any ID,
so I kicked him out.
220
00:11:19,010 --> 00:11:20,745
Well, better safe than sorry.
221
00:11:20,813 --> 00:11:23,614
Here, why don't you guys
join me?
222
00:11:23,682 --> 00:11:27,084
I can't eat
this whole thing myself.
223
00:11:27,152 --> 00:11:30,387
Jim, how come you can't eat
that one piece by yourself?
224
00:11:30,455 --> 00:11:31,722
Because it's awful.
225
00:11:31,790 --> 00:11:34,025
I'm doing all the cooking now.
226
00:11:34,093 --> 00:11:35,460
What happened to the chef?
TONY:
Yeah?
227
00:11:35,527 --> 00:11:38,362
I had to let him go--
he took drugs.
228
00:11:38,430 --> 00:11:40,063
Drugs? Are you sure?
229
00:11:40,131 --> 00:11:43,134
You know how when a man makes
a pizza, he does this?
230
00:11:43,202 --> 00:11:44,301
Yeah.
231
00:11:44,369 --> 00:11:46,570
And he does this?
Yeah.
Yeah.
232
00:11:46,638 --> 00:11:48,840
And then he does this?
Yeah, so?
Yeah.
233
00:11:48,907 --> 00:11:51,842
Well, I caught him doing that
with the soup.
234
00:11:54,146 --> 00:11:57,047
My brother's right--
I'm a flop,
235
00:11:57,115 --> 00:12:00,951
a failure, a zero.
236
00:12:01,019 --> 00:12:03,120
Jim, there are worms
on that pizza.
237
00:12:03,188 --> 00:12:04,388
Oh, it's all right.
238
00:12:04,456 --> 00:12:06,490
It's our Fisherman's Special.
239
00:12:08,927 --> 00:12:10,261
(clears throat)
240
00:12:10,328 --> 00:12:13,564
That's really Chinese noodles.
241
00:12:13,632 --> 00:12:16,634
I painted the little eyes on.
242
00:12:16,701 --> 00:12:18,836
It was either that or go crazy.
243
00:12:18,903 --> 00:12:21,739
Hey, Jim, Jim, I think
we can help you out.
244
00:12:21,807 --> 00:12:24,608
Great, 'cause I got another
big can of noodles
245
00:12:24,676 --> 00:12:26,510
and a couple extra brushes.
No, no, no, no.
246
00:12:26,578 --> 00:12:29,013
I think between
the three of us
247
00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:30,648
we can suggest, uh, things
248
00:12:30,715 --> 00:12:32,283
to help you improve
your business.
Yeah.
249
00:12:32,350 --> 00:12:33,884
Alex, I've tried everything:
250
00:12:33,952 --> 00:12:35,119
ads,
251
00:12:35,187 --> 00:12:37,888
drinks at half price.
252
00:12:37,956 --> 00:12:42,693
Well, why don't you try
a wet T-shirt contest?
253
00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:44,195
I had one.
254
00:12:44,262 --> 00:12:47,665
The only contestant
was a 400-pound ex-marine
255
00:12:47,732 --> 00:12:49,500
with a hairy chest.
256
00:12:49,568 --> 00:12:51,302
Interesting effect,
257
00:12:51,370 --> 00:12:53,571
but not enough to hold
a supper crowd.
258
00:12:55,274 --> 00:12:58,976
I'm lucky my brother
wasn't there that night.
259
00:12:59,044 --> 00:13:03,213
I'd rather he see an empty bar
260
00:13:03,281 --> 00:13:06,651
than people pelting me
with dinner rolls.
261
00:13:06,718 --> 00:13:08,118
When's your
brother coming?
262
00:13:08,186 --> 00:13:09,820
Tonight.
263
00:13:09,888 --> 00:13:13,190
And when he does, he's gonna see
264
00:13:13,258 --> 00:13:15,359
one person in the bar:
265
00:13:15,427 --> 00:13:18,196
his dumb failure of a brother.
266
00:13:18,263 --> 00:13:19,530
Oh, no.
267
00:13:19,598 --> 00:13:20,965
Man, there's got to be something
we can do to help Jim.
268
00:13:21,032 --> 00:13:22,166
Come on.
Yeah.
269
00:13:22,233 --> 00:13:23,467
Well, what's the big fuss here?
270
00:13:23,534 --> 00:13:24,635
Oh, Jim's gonna
be humiliated
271
00:13:24,703 --> 00:13:26,070
in front of his brother.
272
00:13:26,137 --> 00:13:28,038
So what?
His brother's never
273
00:13:28,106 --> 00:13:29,907
gonna trust him with large
amounts of money anymore.
274
00:13:29,975 --> 00:13:31,709
And rightly so.
275
00:13:31,776 --> 00:13:33,677
I mean, he's a goofball.
276
00:13:35,079 --> 00:13:37,481
Well, every cloud
has a silver lining.
277
00:13:37,549 --> 00:13:39,049
At least you won't be able
278
00:13:39,117 --> 00:13:41,051
to sponge off him
anymore, Louie.
279
00:13:43,755 --> 00:13:45,690
Mm.
280
00:13:47,526 --> 00:13:48,792
Hey, all right.
281
00:13:48,860 --> 00:13:50,527
All right, listen
up, everybody.
282
00:13:50,595 --> 00:13:52,129
Listen up, all
you cabbies.
283
00:13:52,197 --> 00:13:53,764
Your mission tonight
284
00:13:53,832 --> 00:13:56,767
is to pack Mario's.
285
00:13:56,835 --> 00:14:00,571
Now, I want
everybody to radio me
286
00:14:00,639 --> 00:14:02,006
as soon as you
get a fare.
287
00:14:02,074 --> 00:14:03,206
I don't care
who it is.
288
00:14:03,274 --> 00:14:04,775
I don't care where
they want to go.
289
00:14:04,842 --> 00:14:06,944
They're gonna end up in Mario's.
290
00:14:07,011 --> 00:14:08,545
You leave it to me.
291
00:14:08,613 --> 00:14:09,914
(cabbies murmuring)
292
00:14:09,982 --> 00:14:11,115
All right,
come on. Nardo.
293
00:14:11,183 --> 00:14:12,716
Come on, 218...
294
00:14:12,784 --> 00:14:15,752
JIM:
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
295
00:14:15,820 --> 00:14:18,789
Boy, I sure wish
296
00:14:18,857 --> 00:14:21,025
my brother would show up
297
00:14:21,093 --> 00:14:23,393
and ridicule me
298
00:14:23,461 --> 00:14:25,462
so I can go home.
299
00:14:28,967 --> 00:14:31,769
ELAINE:
Louie, I've gotsome out-of-towners here
300
00:14:31,836 --> 00:14:33,871
who are interested
in seeing some celebrities,
301
00:14:33,939 --> 00:14:35,473
and they want to go to Sardi's.
302
00:14:35,540 --> 00:14:37,708
LOUIE:
Well, drop 'em off quick, Nardo,
303
00:14:37,776 --> 00:14:39,443
because I need two cabs
304
00:14:39,511 --> 00:14:41,678
to pick up Brando
and Olivier at Mario's.
305
00:14:41,746 --> 00:14:43,914
I can't put 'em in the same cab.
306
00:14:43,981 --> 00:14:45,182
You know how those guys are.
307
00:14:45,250 --> 00:14:47,184
Hey, Mario's.
(excited chattering)
308
00:14:47,251 --> 00:14:48,419
Mario's?
Mario's.
309
00:14:48,487 --> 00:14:50,487
(laughter)
310
00:14:50,555 --> 00:14:52,490
Louie, this is Alex.
311
00:14:52,557 --> 00:14:54,458
I'm at Saint
Patrick's Cathedral,
312
00:14:54,526 --> 00:14:56,627
and I've got a
couple of, uh, nuns
313
00:14:56,695 --> 00:14:58,562
who want to go
to the movies.
314
00:14:58,629 --> 00:15:02,966
LOUIE:
Ah, everything on the screen
these days is filth.
315
00:15:03,034 --> 00:15:05,469
Might I suggest
a pleasant evening
316
00:15:05,537 --> 00:15:07,938
of wholesome food at Mario's?
317
00:15:08,006 --> 00:15:12,543
If you like, I'll call ahead and
reserve the Monsignor's table.
318
00:15:12,610 --> 00:15:16,413
Oh, what a nice man.
319
00:15:16,481 --> 00:15:18,682
Pray for him.
320
00:15:27,258 --> 00:15:29,092
(sighs)
321
00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:31,429
Well, Jim,
322
00:15:31,496 --> 00:15:32,796
you had your week.
323
00:15:32,864 --> 00:15:34,431
Looks like you failed.
324
00:15:34,499 --> 00:15:36,032
Do you have any excuses?
325
00:15:36,100 --> 00:15:38,068
Nope.
326
00:15:38,136 --> 00:15:40,938
Why don't you sit over
there and have a beer
327
00:15:41,006 --> 00:15:43,107
while you gloat?
328
00:15:43,174 --> 00:15:45,208
Sure.
329
00:15:45,276 --> 00:15:47,177
Tommy, a beer for my brother.
330
00:15:47,245 --> 00:15:49,446
TOMMY:
Right away, boss.
331
00:15:49,514 --> 00:15:51,515
Ah.
332
00:15:51,583 --> 00:15:53,951
Here you go, Jim,
some customers.
333
00:15:55,053 --> 00:15:57,788
Ah, welcome to Mario's.
334
00:15:57,856 --> 00:15:59,656
Do you have a reservation?
335
00:15:59,724 --> 00:16:01,025
Uh, no, Jim.
336
00:16:01,092 --> 00:16:02,192
They're friends of mine.
337
00:16:02,260 --> 00:16:03,461
Listen, uh...
338
00:16:03,528 --> 00:16:04,962
(clears throat)
339
00:16:05,030 --> 00:16:06,830
...all of the cabbies are
bringing people here tonight,
340
00:16:06,898 --> 00:16:08,465
and, uh, some of
them are coming
341
00:16:08,533 --> 00:16:10,100
under sort of
false pretenses,
342
00:16:10,168 --> 00:16:12,136
so, uh, play along
with them, okay?
343
00:16:12,204 --> 00:16:14,138
Okeydoke.
344
00:16:18,743 --> 00:16:20,644
Here you go,
sit right over here.
345
00:16:20,711 --> 00:16:23,514
Got a table all
ready for you.
346
00:16:23,582 --> 00:16:25,516
(Alex mumbles)
347
00:16:27,085 --> 00:16:29,920
We're here
to see some celebrities.
348
00:16:29,988 --> 00:16:32,322
Oh, say, look here.
349
00:16:32,390 --> 00:16:34,625
Sally Field
and Mary Martin.
350
00:16:37,495 --> 00:16:39,997
TONY:
Hey, Jim!
351
00:16:40,065 --> 00:16:41,298
Hey, come on in, guys.
352
00:16:41,366 --> 00:16:43,367
Hey, Jim, these guys came
all the way from Dubuque, Iowa,
353
00:16:43,435 --> 00:16:44,534
to see some
belly dancing.
354
00:16:44,602 --> 00:16:46,170
Have a good time, gents.
See you, Jimmy.
355
00:16:46,238 --> 00:16:48,739
Well, happy customers
are the best advertisement.
356
00:16:48,806 --> 00:16:50,206
No, no, no, no...
357
00:16:52,744 --> 00:16:54,244
All right.
358
00:16:54,312 --> 00:16:56,079
Hey, uh,
we were told
359
00:16:56,147 --> 00:16:57,848
this place had
a piano bar.
360
00:16:57,915 --> 00:16:59,417
Oh, it certainly does,
and there it is.
361
00:16:59,484 --> 00:17:01,418
All right!
Have a seat.
362
00:17:01,485 --> 00:17:03,420
Thank you.
363
00:17:05,557 --> 00:17:06,890
Huh, well,
364
00:17:06,958 --> 00:17:08,992
those two were easy
to take care of.
365
00:17:09,060 --> 00:17:10,227
Uh, Jim, I think
they're expecting
366
00:17:10,295 --> 00:17:12,662
to see somebody play
that piano.
367
00:17:12,730 --> 00:17:14,198
You think so?
368
00:17:14,265 --> 00:17:15,933
I'm almost sure of it.
369
00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:17,668
Well, you play
piano, don't you?
370
00:17:17,735 --> 00:17:19,637
Yeah, I do,
but I'm not...
371
00:17:19,704 --> 00:17:21,205
Well, help me
out, Alex, please.
372
00:17:21,273 --> 00:17:23,707
No, I can't play
in front of people. I can't.
373
00:17:23,775 --> 00:17:24,942
Just-Just tonight.
All right.
374
00:17:25,010 --> 00:17:26,176
All right, all right,
all right.
375
00:17:26,244 --> 00:17:28,078
I'll just play quietly,
a little background music,
376
00:17:28,146 --> 00:17:30,747
but, uh, I mean, I don't want to
draw any attention to myself.
377
00:17:30,815 --> 00:17:32,616
I'm very shy in front
of people, all right?
378
00:17:32,684 --> 00:17:33,917
Okeydoke.
379
00:17:35,219 --> 00:17:36,653
(clears throat)
380
00:17:36,721 --> 00:17:38,655
(clears throat)
381
00:17:40,792 --> 00:17:42,626
Ladies and gentlemen...
382
00:17:42,693 --> 00:17:43,993
Jim!
383
00:17:44,061 --> 00:17:45,796
No, no. Jim, no, no.
384
00:17:45,864 --> 00:17:48,799
Jim's Mario's is proud
to present
385
00:17:48,867 --> 00:17:52,770
for your musical
entertainment,
386
00:17:52,838 --> 00:17:54,371
America's premier balladeer...
387
00:17:54,439 --> 00:17:55,539
Jim, please.
388
00:17:55,606 --> 00:17:56,973
...the one and only
Alex Reiger.
389
00:17:57,041 --> 00:17:58,576
Jim, Jim,
Jim, Jim!
All right!
390
00:17:58,643 --> 00:17:59,777
Yay!
391
00:17:59,844 --> 00:18:01,645
I told you,
I'm not...
392
00:18:01,713 --> 00:18:03,013
Jim, there is no way
you're gonna get me to sing
393
00:18:03,080 --> 00:18:04,681
in front of these people.
394
00:18:04,749 --> 00:18:05,850
(whistles, applause,
and cheering)
395
00:18:05,917 --> 00:18:07,017
Closing time, folks!
396
00:18:07,085 --> 00:18:08,452
No!
(crowd groaning)
397
00:18:08,519 --> 00:18:10,287
Okay, that's all
for tonight, folks.
398
00:18:10,354 --> 00:18:11,622
Good night.
399
00:18:11,690 --> 00:18:12,990
(crowd groaning)
400
00:18:13,057 --> 00:18:14,257
JIM:
That's right.
401
00:18:14,325 --> 00:18:15,425
Time to go home.
402
00:18:15,493 --> 00:18:16,593
(crowd groaning)
403
00:18:16,661 --> 00:18:17,761
No, no, no, no.
404
00:18:17,828 --> 00:18:19,029
We do have laws.
405
00:18:19,097 --> 00:18:21,665
You can stay, and I can
serve you another drink,
406
00:18:21,732 --> 00:18:23,600
and they'll
close me down.
407
00:18:23,668 --> 00:18:25,803
(crowd groaning)
Sorry.
408
00:18:25,870 --> 00:18:27,804
Bye.
409
00:18:29,607 --> 00:18:31,708
I'm gonna tell all of my friends
about this place.
410
00:18:31,776 --> 00:18:33,711
You really know how
to make people feel welcome.
411
00:18:33,778 --> 00:18:34,878
Okay.
412
00:18:34,946 --> 00:18:37,014
MAN:
Should be open
seven nights a week.
413
00:18:37,082 --> 00:18:38,315
JIM:
I'm working on it.
414
00:18:38,383 --> 00:18:40,317
Ah, boy.
415
00:18:40,384 --> 00:18:42,820
Thanks, you guys.
416
00:18:42,887 --> 00:18:45,588
Tonight was a dream
come true.
417
00:18:45,656 --> 00:18:47,491
And I owe it all
to you.
418
00:18:47,558 --> 00:18:48,792
Oh, it was our pleasure.
419
00:18:48,859 --> 00:18:50,027
You ain't kidding.
420
00:18:50,095 --> 00:18:51,261
Good night, Jim.
421
00:18:51,329 --> 00:18:52,663
Good night.
Oh, thanks, Tony.
422
00:18:52,730 --> 00:18:53,830
All right.
Come on.
423
00:18:53,898 --> 00:18:55,265
ALEX:
Oh, Jim, Jim.
424
00:18:55,333 --> 00:18:56,500
What a night.
425
00:18:56,568 --> 00:18:58,435
What a night!
Ah!
426
00:19:00,104 --> 00:19:01,538
Hey, Jim, did
you ever think
427
00:19:01,606 --> 00:19:04,040
of adding a couple of
drums and a bass player?
428
00:19:04,108 --> 00:19:05,476
I love it.
I love it.
429
00:19:05,543 --> 00:19:07,144
I knew you would.
I'm so glad.
430
00:19:07,212 --> 00:19:09,113
Good night.
Good night, Alex.
431
00:19:14,819 --> 00:19:16,320
Jim?
432
00:19:16,387 --> 00:19:17,754
Huh?
433
00:19:19,323 --> 00:19:21,859
I'm glad you proved me wrong.
434
00:19:21,926 --> 00:19:24,494
I'd like to shake your hand.
435
00:19:24,562 --> 00:19:27,164
Tom, I'm glad
436
00:19:27,231 --> 00:19:30,300
I proved you wrong, too.
437
00:19:30,368 --> 00:19:32,836
I want to give
you a big hug.
438
00:19:32,904 --> 00:19:34,204
All right.
439
00:19:34,272 --> 00:19:36,339
All right, brother.
440
00:19:37,975 --> 00:19:39,709
Listen, I'm gonna...
I'm gonna get my coat,
441
00:19:39,777 --> 00:19:42,146
and then
I'll-I'll drive you home, okay?
442
00:19:42,213 --> 00:19:43,380
Okay.
443
00:19:43,448 --> 00:19:45,949
(laughs)
444
00:19:49,554 --> 00:19:51,488
(sighs)
445
00:19:54,058 --> 00:19:58,562
Hey, you-- you're the owner
here, aren't you?
446
00:19:58,630 --> 00:20:01,498
That's right.
447
00:20:01,566 --> 00:20:04,534
I want you to know
that I had
448
00:20:04,602 --> 00:20:08,138
a very, very good time tonight.
449
00:20:08,206 --> 00:20:09,739
Thanks. I'm glad you did.
450
00:20:09,807 --> 00:20:11,174
I'm glad you did.
451
00:20:11,242 --> 00:20:13,443
And say, I was...
I was wondering, uh,
452
00:20:13,511 --> 00:20:18,015
if you could sell me a bottle
of brandy to take home?
453
00:20:18,083 --> 00:20:19,817
Ah, sorry.
454
00:20:19,884 --> 00:20:22,953
It's against the law.
455
00:20:23,021 --> 00:20:24,354
Well, that's true, but,
456
00:20:24,422 --> 00:20:26,990
see, I just got off the phone
with my mother,
457
00:20:27,058 --> 00:20:31,227
and she's got arthritis,
and it's really bothering her,
458
00:20:31,295 --> 00:20:34,665
and I know
the brandy would help.
459
00:20:34,733 --> 00:20:36,266
I'm sorry.
460
00:20:36,334 --> 00:20:39,269
The Liquor Authority told me
461
00:20:39,337 --> 00:20:42,339
that if I had
one more violation,
462
00:20:42,407 --> 00:20:44,407
they'd close me down.
463
00:20:44,475 --> 00:20:46,109
Please?!
464
00:20:46,176 --> 00:20:48,946
Look, there's nobody here
but you and me.
465
00:20:49,013 --> 00:20:51,848
You'd only be bending the law
just a little bit,
466
00:20:51,916 --> 00:20:54,718
and you'd really be helping
my mother out.
467
00:20:57,321 --> 00:21:00,557
(sighs and
sputters)
468
00:21:02,327 --> 00:21:04,261
All right.
469
00:21:20,144 --> 00:21:22,245
Here you go.
470
00:21:22,313 --> 00:21:24,515
Mr. Ignatowski,
471
00:21:24,582 --> 00:21:26,383
I'm an undercover agent
472
00:21:26,451 --> 00:21:29,118
with the New York
Liquor Authority.
473
00:21:29,186 --> 00:21:31,755
This is your fourth violation
in one week.
474
00:21:31,823 --> 00:21:34,757
I'm afraid we're gonna have
to close you down.
475
00:21:34,825 --> 00:21:37,060
TOM:
Ah, no, Jim.
476
00:21:37,128 --> 00:21:39,329
Jim, you're hopeless.
477
00:21:39,397 --> 00:21:41,965
I thought for once in your life
you'd finally manage
478
00:21:42,032 --> 00:21:44,367
to not screw things up.
479
00:21:44,435 --> 00:21:45,769
I wanted to believe in you,
480
00:21:45,836 --> 00:21:47,871
but this just proves
that you're a failure,
481
00:21:47,939 --> 00:21:49,272
and you're gonna stay
482
00:21:49,340 --> 00:21:50,974
a failure your entire life.
483
00:21:53,078 --> 00:21:56,879
Can I say one word
in my defense?
484
00:22:02,853 --> 00:22:04,821
Seltzer.
485
00:22:11,829 --> 00:22:14,297
Now get out of here.
486
00:22:14,365 --> 00:22:17,834
And you tell the guys
487
00:22:17,902 --> 00:22:20,270
down at the
Liquor Authority
488
00:22:20,338 --> 00:22:22,905
that I'm a man
to be reckoned with!
489
00:22:25,543 --> 00:22:28,478
Oh.
490
00:22:28,545 --> 00:22:33,684
How many times can I
apologize to you in one day?
491
00:22:33,751 --> 00:22:35,652
I never get tired
of hearing it.
492
00:22:35,719 --> 00:22:36,887
(laughs)
493
00:22:36,955 --> 00:22:39,189
Let's go home. Come on.
494
00:22:39,257 --> 00:22:41,424
All right.
495
00:22:43,861 --> 00:22:46,163
(sighs)
496
00:22:47,698 --> 00:22:48,998
TOM:
Here, uh,
497
00:22:49,066 --> 00:22:51,501
straighten your tie.
498
00:22:51,569 --> 00:22:52,869
(Jim laughs)
499
00:22:52,937 --> 00:22:54,037
Come on.
500
00:22:54,105 --> 00:22:56,039
Okay.
501
00:23:09,320 --> 00:23:12,989
(theme song playing)
502
00:23:33,744 --> 00:23:35,211
WOMAN:
Good night, Mr. Walters!
503
00:23:35,279 --> 00:23:36,613
(man grumbling)
33581
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