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1
00:00:01,634 --> 00:00:05,570
(theme song playing)
2
00:01:17,042 --> 00:01:18,610
Hello, everybody.
3
00:01:18,678 --> 00:01:20,545
Where's Latka? Where's Latka?
I got wonderful news.
4
00:01:20,613 --> 00:01:22,180
What is it, what is it?
What is it?
5
00:01:22,248 --> 00:01:23,682
Here, you read this
for yourself.
6
00:01:23,749 --> 00:01:25,583
I got to go find Latka.
7
00:01:25,651 --> 00:01:27,018
Latka?
8
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"Bleam niki schlev rosko iskabedosko pavitz iba da."
9
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Is it, uh, from their country?
10
00:01:38,130 --> 00:01:39,297
Yeah, I guess so.
11
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The stamp commemorates,
uh, goat cheese.
12
00:01:42,435 --> 00:01:43,401
There...
13
00:01:43,468 --> 00:01:45,036
LATKA:
No, no...
14
00:01:45,103 --> 00:01:46,238
no, no, no.
15
00:01:46,305 --> 00:01:48,906
Why, why, why, why, why?
16
00:01:48,974 --> 00:01:50,175
It's a wonderful job.
17
00:01:50,243 --> 00:01:51,977
You said I could get a job.
18
00:01:52,044 --> 00:01:54,445
This is one job
I don't want you to have.
19
00:01:54,513 --> 00:01:56,447
Hey, Simka, what kind
of a job did they offer you?
20
00:01:56,515 --> 00:01:59,050
I gave you that letter.
I know, but I didn't have
my reading glasses.
21
00:01:59,118 --> 00:02:01,752
So, uh, tell me, what
kind of a job is it?
22
00:02:01,820 --> 00:02:03,588
You go ahead, you tell him.
23
00:02:05,024 --> 00:02:11,462
This just happens to be
a letter from my government.
24
00:02:11,530 --> 00:02:15,466
They would like me to be
the ambassador to France.
25
00:02:15,534 --> 00:02:17,235
The ambassador to France?
26
00:02:17,302 --> 00:02:18,936
That's right.
27
00:02:19,004 --> 00:02:21,506
Excuse me, Latka, but, uh,
I may be a little confused here.
28
00:02:21,574 --> 00:02:22,774
Read it.
But isn't the, uh,
29
00:02:22,841 --> 00:02:25,543
ambassador to France a
kind of prestigious job?
30
00:02:25,611 --> 00:02:27,145
Yes, I would say.
31
00:02:27,213 --> 00:02:29,447
It pays $2.75 a hour.
32
00:02:31,317 --> 00:02:33,084
Why does your country
want to appoint you
33
00:02:33,151 --> 00:02:34,786
ambassador to France?
34
00:02:34,853 --> 00:02:38,657
Because I'm the only one
who speaks French.
35
00:02:38,724 --> 00:02:41,626
Look, I don't want
to go to France.
36
00:02:41,694 --> 00:02:43,428
I am American.
37
00:02:43,496 --> 00:02:45,129
America is my country.
38
00:02:45,197 --> 00:02:46,697
You cannot have this job.
39
00:02:46,765 --> 00:02:49,668
Now are you going to,
from now on, is pout
40
00:02:49,735 --> 00:02:52,670
and throw the temper tantrum and
make my life hell from now on?
41
00:02:52,738 --> 00:02:54,038
Oui.
42
00:02:55,408 --> 00:02:58,643
Hey, she really
does speak French.
43
00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:02,614
Hi, guys.
ALEX:
Hey.
44
00:03:02,682 --> 00:03:04,148
Hey, everybody.
45
00:03:04,216 --> 00:03:06,984
Oh, Elaine, I had such
a wonderful time today.
46
00:03:07,052 --> 00:03:08,587
I had such a wonderful time,
47
00:03:08,654 --> 00:03:10,588
I'm not even going to
pester you with questions
48
00:03:10,655 --> 00:03:12,123
about whether you had
a wonderful time.
49
00:03:12,190 --> 00:03:13,691
Well, thank you, Arnie.
50
00:03:13,759 --> 00:03:15,293
However, if you'd care
51
00:03:15,361 --> 00:03:18,696
to volunteer the information,
I'd be glad to hear it.
52
00:03:18,764 --> 00:03:20,765
I had a lovely time.
53
00:03:20,833 --> 00:03:21,999
So, uh, what'd you guys do?
54
00:03:22,067 --> 00:03:23,368
ARNIE:
Well...
55
00:03:23,435 --> 00:03:26,237
decency prevents me from
divulging the details,
56
00:03:26,305 --> 00:03:29,507
but, you know, it had to do
with water beds, baby oil...
57
00:03:29,575 --> 00:03:30,775
TONY:
Oh!
Arnie!
58
00:03:30,842 --> 00:03:32,143
They know I'm kidding.
59
00:03:32,211 --> 00:03:33,845
Yeah, well, I don't
think they do.
60
00:03:33,913 --> 00:03:35,880
Really?
Well, great.
61
00:03:37,115 --> 00:03:39,417
No, actually,
we went to an opening
62
00:03:39,485 --> 00:03:40,852
of a new gallery in SoHo.
63
00:03:40,919 --> 00:03:42,687
Ooh, he must
really love you.
64
00:03:42,754 --> 00:03:43,688
ALEX:
Tony...
65
00:03:43,756 --> 00:03:45,490
I have to
go change, okay?
66
00:03:45,557 --> 00:03:48,192
Well, I probably won't be here
when you get back,
67
00:03:48,260 --> 00:03:50,094
so you're gonna just have
to kiss me good-bye
68
00:03:50,162 --> 00:03:51,129
in front of everybody.
69
00:03:51,196 --> 00:03:52,497
Bye, sweetie.
70
00:03:52,565 --> 00:03:54,733
(sighs, chuckles)
71
00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:58,269
Hey, Ross, I want
to shake your hand.
72
00:03:58,337 --> 00:04:01,172
Well, I don't see
any harm in that.
73
00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:03,308
You know something?
74
00:04:03,375 --> 00:04:05,276
You've climbed Everest.
75
00:04:05,344 --> 00:04:06,811
What do you mean?
76
00:04:06,879 --> 00:04:08,112
Nardo.
77
00:04:08,180 --> 00:04:11,182
I mean, you know how many guys
you beat out to get her?
78
00:04:11,250 --> 00:04:14,819
Well, I never thought
of it as a contest,
79
00:04:14,887 --> 00:04:16,254
but now that you mention it,
80
00:04:16,322 --> 00:04:19,991
I must say I went for
the gold and I got it!
81
00:04:20,058 --> 00:04:22,060
I'll see you later, Lou.
82
00:04:25,130 --> 00:04:26,564
You know what?
83
00:04:26,632 --> 00:04:30,168
I think it's his
boyish insecurity.
84
00:04:30,235 --> 00:04:32,670
It's got to be.
There's nothing else.
85
00:04:45,417 --> 00:04:47,251
(clearing throat)
86
00:04:50,055 --> 00:04:52,857
So, first day on the job.
You like it?
87
00:04:52,924 --> 00:04:55,360
It's a job.
88
00:04:57,129 --> 00:04:58,930
Oh, gosh... (chuckles)
89
00:04:58,997 --> 00:05:00,631
I don't know
what came over me.
90
00:05:00,699 --> 00:05:02,400
I mean, I was so bold.
I mean...
91
00:05:02,467 --> 00:05:04,735
It's not like me
to be that way. I...
92
00:05:07,506 --> 00:05:09,674
Oh, look, I'm gonna come
right out and say it.
93
00:05:09,741 --> 00:05:13,911
I-I was wondering if,
uh, maybe, uh, you and I,
94
00:05:13,979 --> 00:05:17,381
we could, uh, we could
go have a soda.
95
00:05:17,449 --> 00:05:19,651
Really?
96
00:05:19,718 --> 00:05:21,252
That's charming.
97
00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:23,821
Aw... it's...
98
00:05:26,792 --> 00:05:28,158
Well, and, and,
and then, may...
99
00:05:28,226 --> 00:05:30,428
Oh, no, I can't.
I can't, I can't do it.
100
00:05:30,496 --> 00:05:32,163
(whimpering)
101
00:05:32,231 --> 00:05:34,298
Go on.
102
00:05:34,366 --> 00:05:36,234
Well...
103
00:05:36,301 --> 00:05:39,037
I thought maybe then
I could walk you home
104
00:05:39,105 --> 00:05:41,873
and we could do it
till we pass out.
105
00:05:46,711 --> 00:05:47,946
Hey, I think it worked, Lou.
106
00:05:48,013 --> 00:05:49,714
You usually get slapped
much harder than that.
107
00:05:51,550 --> 00:05:53,217
Oh, hey, Elaine.
108
00:05:53,285 --> 00:05:55,453
Now what's the scoop
with you and this guy Arnie?
109
00:05:55,521 --> 00:05:58,122
I mean, I know
the guy's gentle,
110
00:05:58,190 --> 00:06:00,591
and, and sensitive
and unassuring
111
00:06:00,659 --> 00:06:02,326
and likable and loving and...
112
00:06:02,394 --> 00:06:05,130
Wait, how do you
know all this?
113
00:06:05,197 --> 00:06:06,631
He's got to be, Elaine.
114
00:06:06,699 --> 00:06:09,133
I mean, but how
serious are you two?
115
00:06:09,201 --> 00:06:10,402
I don't know.
116
00:06:10,469 --> 00:06:12,170
I don't even know
what kind of relationship
117
00:06:12,238 --> 00:06:13,438
I want with him yet.
118
00:06:13,505 --> 00:06:15,239
Hey, Elaine, what do
your kids think of him?
119
00:06:15,307 --> 00:06:17,208
Are you kidding, Alex?
The kids got to love him.
120
00:06:17,276 --> 00:06:18,509
He's like Yoda.
121
00:06:18,577 --> 00:06:20,311
Tony...
122
00:06:20,379 --> 00:06:24,448
No, actually, uh, he hasn't,
uh, met Jennifer and Jason yet.
123
00:06:24,516 --> 00:06:26,951
TONY: What?
He hasn't met your kids
in five months?
124
00:06:27,019 --> 00:06:30,588
No. Actually, uh, I've been
avoiding introducing them.
125
00:06:30,656 --> 00:06:31,656
Why?
126
00:06:31,723 --> 00:06:33,324
I don't want my kids
to get involved
127
00:06:33,392 --> 00:06:36,060
with Arnie unless I'm sure that
I want to get involved with him.
128
00:06:36,128 --> 00:06:38,563
If things didn't work out
between Arnie and me, then
129
00:06:38,630 --> 00:06:40,364
I don't want
the kids to get hurt.
130
00:06:40,432 --> 00:06:41,365
TONY:
Oh...
131
00:06:41,433 --> 00:06:43,501
Well, that sounds
very reasonable.
132
00:06:43,569 --> 00:06:44,501
ELAINE:
Oh, good.
133
00:06:44,569 --> 00:06:46,070
I'm so glad you
agree with me.
134
00:06:46,137 --> 00:06:48,372
In an overprotective, paranoid
sort of way is what I mean.
135
00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:49,674
No!
Huh?
136
00:06:49,742 --> 00:06:51,875
Because I have
a favor to ask of you.
Me?
137
00:06:51,943 --> 00:06:53,778
Tomorrow night Arnie's coming
to the house for dinner
138
00:06:53,845 --> 00:06:55,546
and I've got to leave
the kids with someone.
139
00:06:55,614 --> 00:06:56,881
And their father's
out of town,
140
00:06:56,949 --> 00:06:59,116
so could you watch them
for a couple of hours?
Uh...
141
00:06:59,184 --> 00:07:00,918
Please, Alex, you're
the only one I can ask.
142
00:07:00,985 --> 00:07:02,887
I'm sorry, Elaine, but...
Tony?
143
00:07:02,954 --> 00:07:05,256
Oh, uh, I'm sorry,
Elaine, but, uh...
144
00:07:05,323 --> 00:07:06,257
Lupus?
145
00:07:06,325 --> 00:07:08,492
Lupus? Lu... Elaine!
Lupus?
146
00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:10,128
You're gonna trust
your kids to a guy
147
00:07:10,196 --> 00:07:11,996
who promises never
to bathe again
148
00:07:12,063 --> 00:07:13,897
until Seattle wins
the Super Bowl?
149
00:07:13,965 --> 00:07:15,233
Please, that's
not the one.
150
00:07:15,300 --> 00:07:17,235
Never mind, Lupus.
151
00:07:17,303 --> 00:07:18,335
Forget it, Lup.
152
00:07:18,403 --> 00:07:20,404
What am I gonna do, Alex?
153
00:07:20,472 --> 00:07:22,807
Look, the simplest thing to do
is let the guy meet the kids.
154
00:07:22,875 --> 00:07:24,242
I mean, big deal, come
over, he'll say hello,
155
00:07:24,309 --> 00:07:25,476
pat the kids on the head
156
00:07:25,544 --> 00:07:26,744
and they'll both go
off to their rooms.
157
00:07:26,811 --> 00:07:27,678
Quivering with excitement.
158
00:07:27,746 --> 00:07:29,046
ALEX:
Tony, please.
159
00:07:29,114 --> 00:07:30,748
I'm not saying that
the guy wouldn't, uh,
160
00:07:30,815 --> 00:07:32,083
grow on the kids in time.
161
00:07:32,151 --> 00:07:36,587
Arnie is a quiet,
unassuming guy, right?
162
00:07:36,655 --> 00:07:37,989
He's not the kind of guy
163
00:07:38,056 --> 00:07:40,424
that the kids are gonna fall
in love with instantly, is he?
164
00:07:40,492 --> 00:07:44,095
Well, maybe you're right.
165
00:07:44,162 --> 00:07:45,896
I hope you're right.
166
00:07:45,964 --> 00:07:48,132
You'd better be right,
because tomorrow night
167
00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:50,201
those kids are having dinner
with Arnie and me.
168
00:07:50,269 --> 00:07:51,836
Hey, good, good.
169
00:07:51,904 --> 00:07:53,237
Good choice.
170
00:07:53,305 --> 00:07:55,139
You know...
171
00:07:57,242 --> 00:08:00,111
I once dated a woman
172
00:08:00,178 --> 00:08:04,415
whose kids were
very attached to me.
173
00:08:04,483 --> 00:08:07,886
Eventually, she wanted
to break up.
174
00:08:07,953 --> 00:08:09,887
Mm-hmm.
So...
175
00:08:09,954 --> 00:08:13,057
to make it easy
on those little tykes,
176
00:08:13,125 --> 00:08:17,261
at our last dinner
177
00:08:17,328 --> 00:08:20,932
I pretended to have
a heart attack...
178
00:08:25,036 --> 00:08:26,336
...and die.
179
00:08:26,404 --> 00:08:27,338
Yeah.
180
00:08:29,308 --> 00:08:33,711
After the children were
sedated...
181
00:08:33,779 --> 00:08:37,781
and the woman stopped screaming,
182
00:08:37,849 --> 00:08:40,852
pounding me,
183
00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:42,353
she was
184
00:08:42,421 --> 00:08:45,456
profuse in her gratitude.
185
00:08:50,528 --> 00:08:52,596
I'm great with kids.
186
00:08:59,471 --> 00:09:01,038
Hi, everybody.
187
00:09:01,106 --> 00:09:02,673
Bonjour, tout le monde.
188
00:09:02,741 --> 00:09:04,642
Hi.
189
00:09:04,710 --> 00:09:06,544
She's been acting
like a child
190
00:09:06,612 --> 00:09:09,947
because I won't let her
be ambassador to France.
191
00:09:10,015 --> 00:09:12,283
How long are you going
to keep this up?
192
00:09:12,351 --> 00:09:16,520
Je vais continuer jusqu'àla fin de mes jours.
193
00:09:18,590 --> 00:09:20,291
What does that mean?
194
00:09:20,359 --> 00:09:22,994
Uh, my French is a little
rusty, but if I were you,
195
00:09:23,061 --> 00:09:25,863
I'd have someone taste
my coffee in the morning.
196
00:09:25,931 --> 00:09:29,067
Okay, Simka,
I have been selfish.
197
00:09:29,134 --> 00:09:31,169
You want the job,
you can take it.
198
00:09:31,236 --> 00:09:33,838
Oh, Latka.
199
00:09:33,905 --> 00:09:36,641
Oh, Latka, my darling.
200
00:09:36,708 --> 00:09:39,944
Oh, I knew that you
would love me enough
201
00:09:40,012 --> 00:09:43,714
to do the right thing if I
made your life a living hell.
202
00:09:43,782 --> 00:09:47,051
But I got good news
for you, also.
203
00:09:47,118 --> 00:09:48,418
There's no job no more.
204
00:09:48,486 --> 00:09:49,654
What?
205
00:09:49,721 --> 00:09:53,324
No. I got another
letter from the homeland.
206
00:09:53,392 --> 00:09:56,327
We broke off diplomatic
relations with France.
207
00:09:56,395 --> 00:09:58,095
Oh, good, you're here.
208
00:09:58,163 --> 00:09:59,830
Hi, Arnie.
209
00:09:59,898 --> 00:10:04,569
Listen, Elaine has invited me
home tonight to meet her kids.
210
00:10:04,637 --> 00:10:05,736
I really need your help.
211
00:10:05,804 --> 00:10:06,970
I mean, you know those kids.
212
00:10:07,038 --> 00:10:08,272
What do you suggest?
213
00:10:08,340 --> 00:10:10,074
Oh, come on. I don't know
why everybody's
214
00:10:10,142 --> 00:10:11,676
making such
a big deal about this.
215
00:10:11,743 --> 00:10:13,577
I mean, it's just a
couple of kids, Arnie.
216
00:10:13,645 --> 00:10:15,847
Why on Earth are you
so nervous about it?
TONY: Yeah.
217
00:10:15,914 --> 00:10:17,315
Because I want
them to like me.
218
00:10:17,382 --> 00:10:19,150
I mean, you don't know
the work it takes
219
00:10:19,217 --> 00:10:20,417
to get people to like me.
220
00:10:20,485 --> 00:10:23,087
I put out, man!
221
00:10:23,155 --> 00:10:25,622
And now I have to win
over two more.
222
00:10:25,690 --> 00:10:27,658
Arnie, why don't you
give us a break?
223
00:10:27,726 --> 00:10:28,759
Them kids are pushovers.
224
00:10:28,827 --> 00:10:30,728
Well, not for me, they're not.
225
00:10:30,796 --> 00:10:32,530
I remember my childhood.
226
00:10:32,598 --> 00:10:35,967
The key to popularity was
knowing how to play dodgeball
227
00:10:36,034 --> 00:10:38,469
and how to make those little
sounds with your armpits.
228
00:10:38,536 --> 00:10:39,804
Well, I, I couldn't
229
00:10:39,872 --> 00:10:42,807
do those things then,
and I can't do them now.
230
00:10:42,874 --> 00:10:44,808
Oh, that's easy, Arnie.
231
00:10:44,876 --> 00:10:47,778
You just go like this...
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
hey, hey, hey, hey.
232
00:10:47,845 --> 00:10:50,447
She wants to be
ambassador to France.
ALEX: Yeah.
233
00:10:50,515 --> 00:10:53,383
Listen, look, Arnie, Arnie,
Arnie, Arnie,
234
00:10:53,451 --> 00:10:54,652
just listen to me,
will you?
235
00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:57,088
All you got to do is go over
there and be yourself.
236
00:10:57,155 --> 00:10:58,689
That's all kids ever want.
237
00:10:58,757 --> 00:10:59,556
Oh, really?
238
00:10:59,624 --> 00:11:01,926
Was Buffalo Bob himself?
239
00:11:01,994 --> 00:11:04,429
Was Bozo the
Clown himself?
240
00:11:04,496 --> 00:11:06,930
I hear Mr. Rogers
is really like that.
241
00:11:06,998 --> 00:11:08,265
Tony, please.
Will you?
242
00:11:08,333 --> 00:11:09,834
Arnie, Arnie,
look, look.
243
00:11:09,902 --> 00:11:11,369
Just listen to me,
huh? Just trust me.
244
00:11:11,437 --> 00:11:13,237
Look, I know those kids.
245
00:11:13,305 --> 00:11:14,672
I'm telling you,
I know those kids.
246
00:11:14,739 --> 00:11:16,974
All you got to do is go
over there, be yourself
247
00:11:17,042 --> 00:11:19,177
and don't talk down
to them. That's all.
248
00:11:19,244 --> 00:11:21,712
All right, come on.
Get your butts out of here.
249
00:11:21,780 --> 00:11:23,847
You got your cab assignments.
Now hit the road.
250
00:11:23,915 --> 00:11:25,148
Hey, you two,
251
00:11:25,216 --> 00:11:29,119
get out of here. Your
conjugal visit's over.
252
00:11:29,187 --> 00:11:30,921
I feel
a little foolish, Alex,
253
00:11:30,989 --> 00:11:34,591
and, uh, I want to thank you
for talking some sense into me.
254
00:11:34,659 --> 00:11:35,727
Yeah, yeah,
anytime, anytime.
255
00:11:35,794 --> 00:11:37,061
Thanks.
256
00:11:39,231 --> 00:11:40,464
Hey, Ross.
257
00:11:42,500 --> 00:11:45,869
Did Nardo ever mention
a guy named Peterson?
258
00:11:45,937 --> 00:11:47,304
No, why?
259
00:11:47,372 --> 00:11:49,206
Elaine adored him.
260
00:11:49,274 --> 00:11:52,643
When he met the kids,
they hated him.
261
00:11:52,710 --> 00:11:53,677
(makes gagging sound)
262
00:11:53,745 --> 00:11:55,846
Well, what happened to him?
263
00:11:55,914 --> 00:11:57,982
Nobody knows.
264
00:11:59,417 --> 00:12:01,385
But legend has it
265
00:12:01,453 --> 00:12:06,123
that on a cloudy,
foggy night,
266
00:12:06,191 --> 00:12:09,193
when the moon is full,
267
00:12:09,261 --> 00:12:11,762
you can hear his
voice saying,
268
00:12:11,830 --> 00:12:15,432
"Elaine, I thought we
had something special...
269
00:12:15,500 --> 00:12:17,868
special... special..."
270
00:12:22,341 --> 00:12:25,509
You know, Jeff,
sometimes I hate myself.
271
00:12:26,912 --> 00:12:29,847
But it's moments like this
that make up for it.
272
00:12:37,755 --> 00:12:39,123
ELAINE:
Arnie's gonna be hereany minute,
273
00:12:39,191 --> 00:12:41,225
so I want you guysto be good, okay?
274
00:12:41,293 --> 00:12:44,495
Mommy, what if
he doesn't like us?
275
00:12:44,563 --> 00:12:47,664
Oh, well, I guess I'll have to
trade you in for two new kids.
276
00:12:47,732 --> 00:12:48,732
(gasps)
277
00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:50,801
No, I'm kidding.
278
00:12:50,869 --> 00:12:52,869
Hey, Mom, what if he likes me
and not Jennifer?
279
00:12:52,937 --> 00:12:54,038
Can we trade her in?
280
00:12:54,106 --> 00:12:55,206
Well...
Mom!
281
00:12:55,273 --> 00:12:58,676
No, never. We're a team.
We're a set!
282
00:12:58,743 --> 00:13:00,577
It's all of us or none of us.
283
00:13:00,645 --> 00:13:01,845
Put 'er
there, pards.
284
00:13:01,913 --> 00:13:03,147
ALL:
Hmm!
285
00:13:03,215 --> 00:13:04,882
(chuckling, knocking at door)
286
00:13:04,950 --> 00:13:06,150
Okay.
287
00:13:06,217 --> 00:13:08,018
Aw, he's here.
288
00:13:08,086 --> 00:13:09,286
Does he have
to stay long?
289
00:13:09,353 --> 00:13:11,689
Oh, come on, you
guys. What is this?
290
00:13:11,756 --> 00:13:13,457
You're going to
have a great time.
291
00:13:13,525 --> 00:13:15,459
(knocking continues)
292
00:13:20,065 --> 00:13:22,599
ARNIE:
Hello, Jason.
Hello, Jennifer.
293
00:13:22,667 --> 00:13:25,703
I'd like you to meet the
greatest guy in the world...
294
00:13:25,771 --> 00:13:27,738
Arnie Ross!
295
00:13:27,805 --> 00:13:30,207
Wow!
Wow!
Hey!
296
00:13:30,275 --> 00:13:31,576
Hi, Elaine!
Hi.
297
00:13:33,011 --> 00:13:34,879
Jason, this is for you.
298
00:13:34,946 --> 00:13:36,046
Thanks!
299
00:13:36,114 --> 00:13:37,114
Oh, I want one!
300
00:13:37,182 --> 00:13:38,449
Oh, I thought you might.
301
00:13:38,517 --> 00:13:40,618
Oh!
ELAINE: Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Come on, you guys.
302
00:13:40,686 --> 00:13:43,120
You can play with those toys
later; I want you to meet Arnie.
303
00:13:43,187 --> 00:13:45,022
(kids shouting)
No, it won't be so bad.
304
00:13:45,090 --> 00:13:48,725
I'm going to make some
balloon animals while we talk.
305
00:13:48,793 --> 00:13:50,728
Hey!
306
00:13:55,566 --> 00:14:00,237
Now, Jason, I'll bet the girls
are just crazy about you,
307
00:14:00,305 --> 00:14:03,941
but you don't give them
the time of day. Right?
308
00:14:05,944 --> 00:14:09,947
I'll bet your favorite
sport is... soccer.
309
00:14:10,015 --> 00:14:13,317
But I'll bet you're
very interested in...
310
00:14:13,385 --> 00:14:15,887
veterinary medicine!
311
00:14:18,056 --> 00:14:20,524
Now, what's your
favorite animal?
312
00:14:20,592 --> 00:14:22,259
A mouse or a rat?
313
00:14:23,761 --> 00:14:25,262
A mouse.
314
00:14:25,330 --> 00:14:27,598
Well, there ya go!
315
00:14:27,665 --> 00:14:29,599
Wow.
316
00:14:32,771 --> 00:14:34,571
Arnie, would you like
to take off your coat?
317
00:14:34,639 --> 00:14:37,541
Are you kidding?
I'm fighting for my life here.
318
00:14:37,609 --> 00:14:42,612
Now, uh, Jennifer, I'll bet
you're in the third grade...
319
00:14:42,680 --> 00:14:44,515
(spluttering)
320
00:14:44,582 --> 00:14:46,149
And I'll bet
321
00:14:46,217 --> 00:14:48,452
that you're at the top
of your class.
322
00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:49,587
Ah!
323
00:14:51,589 --> 00:14:52,690
Now, what's
your favorite animal?
324
00:14:52,758 --> 00:14:53,523
An octopus.
325
00:14:53,591 --> 00:14:54,926
Aw, give me a break.
326
00:14:54,993 --> 00:14:56,160
Then a snake.
327
00:14:56,228 --> 00:14:57,461
A snake!
328
00:14:57,529 --> 00:15:00,964
You're great!
I like you!
329
00:15:01,032 --> 00:15:03,500
Thanks!
330
00:15:03,568 --> 00:15:05,202
Okay.
(laughs)
331
00:15:05,270 --> 00:15:06,803
Let's relax now, right?
332
00:15:06,871 --> 00:15:09,206
Okay, come on, Arnie, give me
your coat, and I-I'm gonna
333
00:15:09,274 --> 00:15:10,440
get you a drink, okay?
334
00:15:10,508 --> 00:15:12,376
A drink?
In front of the children?
335
00:15:12,443 --> 00:15:15,779
Well, I don't want you to
think I'm a reckless drinker.
336
00:15:15,847 --> 00:15:19,983
Arnie, some wine is not going
to seem reckless.
337
00:15:20,051 --> 00:15:23,353
Well, then let's all
get stinking drunk!
338
00:15:23,421 --> 00:15:24,722
Just a joke, kids.
339
00:15:24,790 --> 00:15:27,290
It's a little adult humor.
340
00:15:30,528 --> 00:15:31,695
(sighs)
341
00:15:31,763 --> 00:15:32,763
Here.
342
00:15:32,830 --> 00:15:33,864
Well...
343
00:15:33,932 --> 00:15:37,401
Presents, balloons, drinks.
344
00:15:37,469 --> 00:15:39,736
This is turning into quite
an evening, isn't it?
345
00:15:39,804 --> 00:15:42,339
I'd say you made quite
a first impression.
346
00:15:42,407 --> 00:15:43,540
He sure has.
347
00:15:43,608 --> 00:15:45,042
Yeah, what's next?
348
00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:46,677
Next?
349
00:15:46,745 --> 00:15:48,245
I don't know.
350
00:15:48,313 --> 00:15:51,481
Uh... well, how about, um...
351
00:15:51,549 --> 00:15:53,383
What about money?!
352
00:15:53,451 --> 00:15:54,685
(cheering)
353
00:15:54,753 --> 00:15:56,686
No. No, wait, wait.
354
00:15:56,754 --> 00:15:59,890
Would, uh, 20 bucks apiece
sound okay to you guys?
355
00:15:59,958 --> 00:16:01,158
(screaming)
356
00:16:01,226 --> 00:16:02,826
There you go.
ELAINE:
No, no, no, wait.
357
00:16:02,894 --> 00:16:05,496
Jason, Jennifer, I want you
to give his money back, okay?
358
00:16:05,564 --> 00:16:07,264
(all shouting)
359
00:16:07,332 --> 00:16:08,932
Why don't you guys go
take your puppets
360
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:10,100
and play in your room, okay?
361
00:16:10,168 --> 00:16:12,503
Okay? I want to
talk to Arnie.
362
00:16:12,571 --> 00:16:15,772
And don't forget
who bought them for you!
363
00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:20,378
Well, hail the conquering hero,
huh, babe?
364
00:16:20,445 --> 00:16:22,546
I think your kids like me.
365
00:16:22,613 --> 00:16:24,915
Arnie, how could they like you?
366
00:16:24,982 --> 00:16:26,483
They-They didn't even meet you.
367
00:16:26,551 --> 00:16:28,251
They met somebody else.
368
00:16:28,319 --> 00:16:31,021
Well, did they like him?
369
00:16:31,089 --> 00:16:33,591
They love him.
370
00:16:33,658 --> 00:16:35,292
Well, good enough.
371
00:16:35,360 --> 00:16:37,194
Arnie, you can't
keep this up.
372
00:16:37,262 --> 00:16:38,963
The hell I can't!
373
00:16:39,031 --> 00:16:41,398
As long as there's
ice cream to scoop
374
00:16:41,465 --> 00:16:43,567
or a riddle to tell
or a toy on a shelf,
375
00:16:43,634 --> 00:16:45,903
those kids are mine.
376
00:16:45,971 --> 00:16:47,838
Arnie, you don't have
to keep this up.
377
00:16:47,906 --> 00:16:49,874
I don't want you to keep it up.
378
00:16:49,941 --> 00:16:52,676
I think I know
what's troubling you.
379
00:16:52,743 --> 00:16:55,112
You've mistaken my behavior
as some kind of attempt
380
00:16:55,180 --> 00:16:56,580
to buy your kids' affection.
381
00:16:56,647 --> 00:17:00,350
Oh, mistaken? Come on, you
were doling out $20 bills.
382
00:17:00,418 --> 00:17:02,953
You were giving hard
cash to-to small children
383
00:17:03,021 --> 00:17:04,254
so that they'd like you.
384
00:17:04,322 --> 00:17:06,123
I'm sorry, I got
to ask those kids
385
00:17:06,190 --> 00:17:07,324
to give you
that money back.
386
00:17:07,391 --> 00:17:08,358
Oh, no, don't do that.
387
00:17:08,426 --> 00:17:11,094
They'll think I'm a rat fink!
388
00:17:11,162 --> 00:17:13,697
All right, now look,
I've got an idea.
389
00:17:13,765 --> 00:17:15,165
Let them earn it.
390
00:17:15,233 --> 00:17:17,334
In return for the money,
they could just come over
391
00:17:17,402 --> 00:17:21,138
to my place tomorrow and put
in some copper plumbing.
392
00:17:21,206 --> 00:17:23,641
Well, that was easy.
393
00:17:23,708 --> 00:17:27,511
Let me handle this,
okay? Please?
394
00:17:27,579 --> 00:17:30,781
Jason! Jennifer!
Come on out here.
395
00:17:30,849 --> 00:17:33,450
Yeah, Mom?
396
00:17:33,517 --> 00:17:36,853
Okay, I want you guys to give
Arnie his money back. Okay?
397
00:17:36,921 --> 00:17:38,856
Wait a minute. I thought
we had that settled.
Yeah, uh, no, it's
398
00:17:38,923 --> 00:17:40,457
not settled.
JENNIFER: Yeah, we get
to keep the money.
399
00:17:40,525 --> 00:17:42,793
No, no, no...
Of course they do.
They want to keep the money.
400
00:17:42,860 --> 00:17:44,295
I mean, of course.
401
00:17:44,362 --> 00:17:46,263
You both know that it's not
right to keep the money...
402
00:17:46,330 --> 00:17:47,431
(all clamoring indistinctly)
403
00:17:47,499 --> 00:17:48,799
Jason and Jennifer,
404
00:17:48,867 --> 00:17:51,135
I want you to give him
his money back right now!
405
00:17:51,202 --> 00:17:53,137
You're ugly!
You're stupid!
406
00:17:53,205 --> 00:17:56,240
I hate you, Mom!
407
00:17:56,307 --> 00:17:58,575
(door slams)
408
00:18:01,379 --> 00:18:04,081
You have beautiful children,
Elaine.
409
00:18:05,650 --> 00:18:08,718
Arnie, that scene
should never have happened.
410
00:18:08,786 --> 00:18:12,289
I know you thought it was okay
to give those kids that money,
411
00:18:12,356 --> 00:18:13,423
but as their mother, I didn't,
412
00:18:13,491 --> 00:18:14,825
and you should have
respected that.
413
00:18:14,893 --> 00:18:16,827
I'm-I'm upset with you.
414
00:18:18,997 --> 00:18:21,198
Would $40 make
you feel better?
415
00:18:22,433 --> 00:18:25,702
Elaine, I'm sorry.
I tried very hard.
416
00:18:25,770 --> 00:18:29,172
Obviously, this has turned out
in the worst possible way.
417
00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:31,007
I've estranged you
from your own children.
418
00:18:31,075 --> 00:18:34,744
I mean, I just, I shouldn't be
allowed to be around children.
419
00:18:34,812 --> 00:18:36,147
I don't understand children.
420
00:18:36,214 --> 00:18:37,514
I don't know how
to talk to children.
421
00:18:37,582 --> 00:18:39,683
I should be sterilized.
422
00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:44,054
Arnie...
423
00:18:45,457 --> 00:18:47,690
Oh, great,
more fireworks.
424
00:18:47,758 --> 00:18:49,059
Mommy?
425
00:18:49,127 --> 00:18:50,427
What?
426
00:18:50,495 --> 00:18:51,762
Mom, I'm sorry.
427
00:18:51,829 --> 00:18:53,229
You're pretty, you're
smart and I love you.
428
00:18:53,297 --> 00:18:54,298
(laughing)
429
00:18:54,366 --> 00:18:55,699
I'm sorry, too, Mommy.
430
00:18:55,767 --> 00:18:57,367
You're the nicest
mother in New York.
431
00:18:57,435 --> 00:18:58,535
Aw.
432
00:18:58,603 --> 00:19:00,937
ELAINE: Well, I love
you guys, too.
433
00:19:01,005 --> 00:19:03,140
How about
setting the table? Okay?
434
00:19:03,207 --> 00:19:04,275
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
435
00:19:04,342 --> 00:19:05,576
Come on, Jason.
436
00:19:08,145 --> 00:19:09,213
They're great kids, huh?
437
00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:10,614
Yeah.
438
00:19:10,681 --> 00:19:13,283
Look, Elaine, I know I've
been screwing up tonight.
439
00:19:13,351 --> 00:19:16,587
I think if you'd just let me
have a couple of words
440
00:19:16,654 --> 00:19:18,756
with the children,
everything will be fine.
441
00:19:18,823 --> 00:19:20,557
Okay, go ahead.
442
00:19:29,033 --> 00:19:31,001
Kids...
443
00:19:31,068 --> 00:19:33,771
Good night.
444
00:19:33,838 --> 00:19:36,106
Oh, come on, Arnie,
you've got to stay for dinner.
445
00:19:36,173 --> 00:19:38,341
No, I think I've caused
enough trouble for one night.
446
00:19:38,409 --> 00:19:40,610
Oh, but everybody would
be upset if you left.
447
00:19:40,678 --> 00:19:42,646
Right?
Arnie isn't leaving,
is he, Mommy?
448
00:19:42,714 --> 00:19:44,047
Yeah, please
don't go, Arnie.
449
00:19:44,115 --> 00:19:45,549
We have the table
set up for you.
450
00:19:45,616 --> 00:19:47,384
We baked four potatoes.
451
00:19:49,220 --> 00:19:51,087
All right. Now, come on.
Sit down for a minute.
452
00:19:52,257 --> 00:19:55,926
Now, listen.
453
00:19:55,994 --> 00:20:00,297
Now, this time I don't
have any more presents,
454
00:20:00,364 --> 00:20:04,100
and I'm not gonna give you
any more money.
455
00:20:04,168 --> 00:20:09,173
And from now on, whatever
your mother says goes.
456
00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:10,874
Okay?
457
00:20:12,644 --> 00:20:13,744
Okay.
458
00:20:13,811 --> 00:20:17,180
You mean, you'd still like me?
459
00:20:17,248 --> 00:20:18,581
Yeah, sure.
460
00:20:18,649 --> 00:20:20,950
Just not as much.
461
00:20:24,622 --> 00:20:25,856
They're honest.
462
00:20:25,923 --> 00:20:27,825
Yeah. I like them.
463
00:20:35,666 --> 00:20:37,834
Elaine, that was
such a lovely meal.
464
00:20:37,902 --> 00:20:42,239
The kids were so great, and
everything just went so well.
465
00:20:42,307 --> 00:20:43,674
Mmm.
466
00:20:45,209 --> 00:20:47,144
Are you all right?
467
00:20:47,211 --> 00:20:49,646
Mm-hmm.
468
00:20:49,714 --> 00:20:52,148
Well...
469
00:20:52,216 --> 00:20:54,518
why don't you tell me
what's the matter?
470
00:20:54,585 --> 00:20:56,519
Okay.
471
00:20:58,222 --> 00:20:59,490
Arnie, don't get me wrong.
472
00:20:59,557 --> 00:21:01,658
I mean, this really doesn't
have anything to do
473
00:21:01,725 --> 00:21:03,593
with you and me specifically.
474
00:21:03,661 --> 00:21:06,263
It's just that...
475
00:21:06,331 --> 00:21:07,564
it just worries me a little
476
00:21:07,632 --> 00:21:11,067
when my kids get
so emotionally attached
477
00:21:11,135 --> 00:21:12,636
to a man that I'm dating.
478
00:21:12,704 --> 00:21:15,639
Well, I don't think you have
any cause for worry here.
479
00:21:15,707 --> 00:21:18,308
I'd hardly say
they've become attached to me.
480
00:21:18,376 --> 00:21:20,677
BOTH:
Good night, Uncle Arnie.
Good night, Uncle Arnie.
481
00:21:20,745 --> 00:21:23,280
Hey, good night, kids.
Mmm!
482
00:21:23,348 --> 00:21:25,249
Are you really taking us
to the zoo tomorrow?
483
00:21:25,317 --> 00:21:26,883
Well, I said I would,
didn't I?
484
00:21:26,951 --> 00:21:27,884
Yay, Uncle Arnie!
485
00:21:27,952 --> 00:21:30,253
JASON:
Yeah, he's the greatest.
486
00:21:30,321 --> 00:21:32,823
All right, now, you two,
you know it's your bedtime!
487
00:21:32,891 --> 00:21:34,558
Good night, Mom.
Good night.
488
00:21:34,626 --> 00:21:35,959
I love you.
Good night, Mommy.
489
00:21:36,027 --> 00:21:37,027
Good night, baby.
490
00:21:37,094 --> 00:21:39,496
I'm gonna sleep
with my puppet tonight.
491
00:21:39,564 --> 00:21:41,665
And I'm gonna name my
goldfish after you.
492
00:21:41,733 --> 00:21:42,699
Oh, great!
493
00:21:42,767 --> 00:21:44,768
Aw...
Good night.
494
00:21:44,836 --> 00:21:46,070
Good night.
Good night.
495
00:21:46,137 --> 00:21:48,638
Arnie's even cuter
than Ricky Schroeder.
496
00:21:52,276 --> 00:21:54,544
Ah, ten minutes after I'm gone,
497
00:21:54,612 --> 00:21:56,379
they won't even know
I've been here.
498
00:21:56,447 --> 00:21:59,516
Arnie, they love you.
499
00:21:59,584 --> 00:22:01,584
Well, I guess so.
500
00:22:01,652 --> 00:22:02,952
But that could be fixed.
501
00:22:03,020 --> 00:22:04,488
What do you say I march in there
502
00:22:04,556 --> 00:22:07,691
and, uh, kick their butts
all over the room?
503
00:22:07,759 --> 00:22:11,328
Really, I-I'm-I'm delighted that
my kids love you so much.
504
00:22:11,396 --> 00:22:14,030
Really. It's just
that it's-it's put me
505
00:22:14,098 --> 00:22:15,732
in sort of an
awkward position.
506
00:22:15,799 --> 00:22:18,935
You mean, this is more serious
than I thought?
507
00:22:20,538 --> 00:22:22,205
Could be.
508
00:22:22,273 --> 00:22:24,207
In other words,
you don't really know
509
00:22:24,275 --> 00:22:26,143
quite where
our relationship is going,
510
00:22:26,210 --> 00:22:28,579
and you don't really know quite
how you feel about me,
511
00:22:28,646 --> 00:22:30,180
so the fact
that your kids like me
512
00:22:30,248 --> 00:22:33,550
might make it more difficult
to break up.
513
00:22:33,618 --> 00:22:35,619
Uh-huh.
514
00:22:39,223 --> 00:22:44,995
That's a really terrible
position that I put you in.
515
00:22:45,063 --> 00:22:49,265
I-I think this might call
for-for some champagne.
516
00:22:55,473 --> 00:22:57,474
You're such a dear man.
517
00:22:57,541 --> 00:22:59,409
Oh, I-I'm glad you think so
518
00:22:59,477 --> 00:23:02,311
because now, you know,
you may be stuck with me.
519
00:23:06,684 --> 00:23:08,585
I guess I am.
520
00:23:08,653 --> 00:23:10,654
You know what?
521
00:23:10,722 --> 00:23:12,456
What?
522
00:23:12,523 --> 00:23:15,625
I love it.
523
00:23:15,693 --> 00:23:17,627
(both chuckling)
524
00:23:31,776 --> 00:23:35,445
(theme song playing)
525
00:23:56,267 --> 00:23:57,601
WOMAN:
Good night, Mr. Walters!
526
00:23:57,669 --> 00:23:58,768
(man grumbling)
36853
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