Original subtitles

♪♪

Dan Halen: Welcome, everyone, to the recently renamed

Winter Solstice Festival.

In an effort to celebrate

the diversity that seems to be inevitable,

regardless of what immigration law we pass,

our annual Christmas tree will now be called

The Evergreen of Seasonal Inclusiveness!

[ Light applause, whistling ]

We added one of these candleholders here

to celebrate the Jews or something.

I think it's called a menorah.

I think it's called "Who told you to speak"?

Kwanzites, we give you a half-hearted nod

for your recently adopted weird thing

with a different-colored menorah.

Actually, sir, they call that a kinara.

I will have your lungs removed.

[ Microphone feedback ] Say another word. Say it!

[ Crowd murmuring ]

And for you atheists and agnostics,

we have a portrait of Neil deGrasse Tyson

staring at aliens and black holes, whatever.

And finally, to top the tree,

the traditional, non-denominational

glitter-sphere of ambiguity.

Have a very merry, gender-neutral,

winter-based period of time.

[ Electricity buzzes ] [ Cheers and applause ]

There! Have I given everyone

the ridiculous little ritual you need

to grease the hinges on your wallets?

What about the Muslims? What about them?

Stores are open. We have numbers to hit!

Get consuming!

[ Door chimes ]

Yeah, I think we got everybody covered.

He included every dumb son of a bitch under the sun.

What's next?

Santa Claus coming down your chimney

to perform abortions on demand?

This sickens me.

Come on, God damn it. Let's go shopping.

Aw, they run out of them little, tiny critters

that sit up on your bookshelf and get off on watching you pee.

Yeah, that ain't what they for, Granny.

Listen, what I do in my bedroom is my own business.

Why don't you try one of these knock offs?

The Jew in the Loo? Kwanzaa Keith?

What happened to all the good Jesus-Loving Elves?

Or are they banned now?

No, they're sold out, daddy.

Hey, brown sugar. You into water sports?

That's it!

I'm declaring a war on the War on Christmas!

We're taking our holiday back!

Early: If you take "Christ" out of Christmas...

[ Screams ]

...all you got is "mas."

[ Screams ] And I say "No mas" to that.

Ohh! It hurts!

You do know at Christmas,

Jesus was only a little, tiny baby?

What the hell are you saying?

You already got that baby-diaper,

you just shoulda stayed a baby.

Shut that damn face-anus of yours and nail my other arm.

Oh, it's heavy.

Take it off safety, now. But it's so heavy.

No, no, no! Don't set it right there!

[ Screams ]

Oh, that's heavy. Ahh!

You nailed me through the forehead.

That ain't biblically accurate!

[ Grunts ] Pry me off this floor.

I-I need to spread some Gospel.

[ Liquid pours, doorbell chimes ]

Thank you. Happy holidays.

Season's greetings. What can I get going for you?

One venti triple cappuccino.

[ Grunts ] Room for cream.

Should I put your name as "Jesus Christ"?

No, my name is not "Jesus Christ,"

but I speak for him.

And I say stop shitting all over his birthday.

Just tell me what name to put.

My name is "Merry Christmas."

And I'm gonna sit way over here,

so that you got to call it out nice and loud.

Your corporate overlords don't like it,

but I'm gonna make you say it.

Daddy, please don't make a scene.

The hell are you doing here?

Slinging hot-bean water for a bunch of sodomites?

I'm just picking up extra shifts during the holid--

Don't you say that word.

Christmas, Daddy. Okay? Christmas.

"Merry Christmas," your drink is ready.

Say it louder, now. Say my name.

"Merry Christmas," your drink is ready.

That's right.

[ Grunts ]

Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

Oh. Ooh. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

[ Smacks lips ] Pretty good beverage, there.

Fitting you'd have a big ol' snowflake on your cups,

'cause that's what y'all are in here --

a bunch of damn snowflakes!

Now ring me up another. And bring a straw this time!

♪♪

Where's my coffee?

Where's my sumbitchin' coffee, God damn it?

I can feel my hair growing inside my head!

"Jesus Christ is the one true Lord,

the virgin Mary brought forth her first-born son

and wrapped him in swaddling clothes

and laid him in a manger because there was no room at the inn,"

your caramel macchiato is ready.

[ Gulping ]

I done told you, "More whipped cream"!

How many sumbitchin' times I gotta say it?!

D-Daddy, it's closing time, and we need to settle up.

$70,000?! For hot-bean wash?

What would Jesus pay?

He would pay the whole bill, Daddy.

But the spirit was ordering through me.

I-I-I ain't got nothing to do with it.

This here deal is off.

I was merely His vessel.

I'm boycotting this.

[ Doorbell dings ] Ugh. thank God.

Happy holidays.

Shut up!

♪♪

Car, everybody! Car! Phones down! Phones down!

[ Rock music plays, fades ]

I think they ain't slowing down

'cause Baby Jesus got him a mustache.

I ain't shaving.

It took me five years to grow this.

[ High-pitched ] I think we're all gonna have

a very Myrrh-y Christmas.

[ Normal voice ] Good one, Myrrh.

[ Low-pitched ] And to all a good...uh...Frankincense.

[ High-pitched ] More like "not-making-sense."

[ Normal voice ] Myrrh! [ Laughs ]

You're on fire. Call the burn ward.

[ Chuckling ] These guys are a couple cutups.

[ Chuckles ]

Look at this shit show.

-Oh, hey, Early. -Hi, Early!

With a Mary that size, hell, I can see why

there wasn't no room in the damn inn.

Oh, I'm gonna fuck you up.

Whoa, whoa! Hold on, biggin'.

Hands off, now.

I thought your time was "too valuable

to be standing on the shoulder of the road

with a thumb up your ass."

Well, that sounds like the words of a wise man.

[ Low-pitched ] There's already three of us.

[ High-pitched ] Yeah, who's this asshole?

[ Normal voice ] Chill out, bros.

Nobody's after your job,

especially the way we're crushing this.

Well, if you want to volunteer, Early,

we're still light on animals.

We still need a jackass.

Oh, I think Glenn's already got that well covered.

I'm a camel, dick-weed.

Whatever gets you through the night, Glenn.

Yeah, you got a real fine petting zoo, here.

But if y'all really want to save Christmas,

we need to fight this here war

house-to-house and block-to-block.

[ Doorbell chimes ]

All: [ Off-key ] ♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪

♪ And a Merry Christmas

♪ Merry Christmas, Christmas, Christmas ♪

♪ Christmas, Christmas

♪ Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas ♪

♪ As intended by God

I just didn't want the message to get muddled

with all them other secular words.

♪ Silent night, holy night

♪ It's "Merry Christmas"

♪ You better say it right

♪ Not "season's greetings" or "happy holidays" ♪

♪ For you, the hottest fires of Hell will blaze ♪

♪ Not generic tidings and wishes of well ♪

♪ You're all gonna die like fat pigs in Hell ♪

Hey! Where's my backup, here?

I'm sorry, but I'm done threatening people in song.

Well, I sure as hell ain't. Happy holidays.

I got me another Christmas carol to sing!

[ Doorbell ringing ] ♪ Make your mouth say "Merry Christmas" ♪

♪ Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Christmas ♪

Open that goddamn door!

Early: Merry Christmas Eve, y'all.

Oh, Early, a gift? You shouldn't have.

I know. I only did it to prove a point.

I got everybody gifts from companies

that only wish strictly "Merry Christmas."

Ain't no companies that do that, so I had to make me some stuff.

Ooh, goody! It's a whistle!

I can finally achieve my dream of becoming an NBA referee.

Fffffft! Foul!

Ffffffffft! Technical -- [ Mumbles ]

Here. Open yours, Tammi.

Well, uh, as much as we'd love to stay,

we're taking Randy down to the Winter Solstice Festival.

[ Door opens ] The what festival?!

P.C. pablum run amok!

I refuse to attend.

Great. See ya later.

[ Sleigh bells jingling ]

[ Cheering, train whistle blares ]

The Evergreen of Seasonal Inclusiveness?

I've opened the yuletide tent to every Scientologist,

goat-worshipping Wiccan, and for what?!

No net increase in fourth-quarter earnings

after adjustment for inflation -- zero!

Aw, Mr. Halen.

It don't matter whether I say

"Happy holidays" to a atheist or "merry Christmas" to a Jew.

No matter what your skin color or what God you worship,

we're all in this together.

Was that it? That's your message?

"Stuff happens, no one cares"?

That's the big takeaway?

I-I guess so.

You want a hug? No.

I want you to take a cold shower.

Your erection is highly inappropriate.

[ Chuckling ] This suit's just so soft.

[ Crowd gasping ] No!

The non-denominational sphere of ambiguity!

And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them.

-Ah! Early! -Early!

-Daddy! -Hi, Early!

Jump. [ Laughs ]

"I bring you tidings of great joy.

For unto you is born this day a Savior.

Lo! What child is this?"

Tammi: Randy! Oh, my God! He's got my baby up there!

Daddy, put him down! That's my boy!

-Oh, my God! -Hi, Randy!

It's me, Granny! I'm down here, too.

Now that I have your attention, merry Christmas, everybody.

Now say it back to me! I said it to you!

All right, everybody, do as he says.

All: Merry Christmas.

And from now on, that's how we gonna

greet each other in this town.

No "hello," no "goodbye,"

no "I'm sorry," no "gesundheit."

Only "merry Christmas"! Are we clear on this?

[ Indistinct murmuring ]

No! You say "Merry Christmas" to that!

All: Merry Christmas!

We said it, now bring my son down here, you son of a bitch.

Also, the living nativity will now be year 'round

so nobody forgets the reason for the season.

Can I get me a "Merry Christmas"?

All: Merry Christmas.

I can't hear you.

All: Merry Christmas!

[ Sighs ] Finally.

That's all I ever wanted, y'all.

A little yuletide cheer never killed nobody.

Boom! I got him! Whoa! Whoa!

Aah!

-Oh, my God. Randy! -That's my boy up there!

I'm gonna die! Ahh! Ahh!

Everybody, grab the Evergreen of Seasonal Inclusive--

Ah.

Grab the Christmas tree!

-Grab the tree, y'all. -You keep that tree steady now.

-Oh, my God. -Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh, Lord.

Thank you, Jesus.

Aah! Aah! -The tree-top! It's brittle.

We forgot to water it! I'm gonna die! Aah! Aah!

[ Crowd screaming ]

♪♪

-Whoo! -Randy! Thank God.

All right, you're alive! Oh, my God.

It's a Christmas miracle.

Merry Christmas, Jesus Christ.

Thank you for keeping us safe and unharmed.

[ People groaning ]

For Christ's sake, call the doctor.

[ Patriotic music plays ]

♪♪

Merry Christmas,

and happy 4th of July, dick.

Merry Christmas,

and get your fat ass back here, Glenn.

You signed up to be the camel.

I did that back in December, so, uh, not happening.

It's July, Early.

[ Low-pitched ] Can we call it a day on this nativity thing?

[ High-pitched ] We only agreed to all this

to save the boy's life.

Early: And now they won't even let me within 2,000 feet of him.

I still say he'd make a better baby Jesus than me.

I mean, these swaddling clothes is hot as hell.

Merry Christmas, Early. See my cup?

Enough already!

Ho ho ho! Made in Georgia.