Original subtitles

[ Static ]

[ Country music plays ]

♪ My dreams are all dead and buried ♪

♪ Sometimes I wish that sun would just explode ♪

♪ When God comes and calls me to his Kingdom ♪

♪ I'll take all you sons of bitches when I go ♪

[ Yodeling ]

♪ I'll take all...

-My turn. -Hell no.

Hey, man, let me drive that thing!

Do not touch the trim!

There.

I've licked the barrel so the bullet slides easy.

Now put the gun to your ear and click it a few times.

[ Clicking ]

You hear that empty sound? -I think so.

[ Clicking ] That there is how you know your weapon ain't loaded.

And that concludes our firearm safety for today.

Now, let's bag us some horse meat.

[ Giggling ]

[ Weedwacker whirs ]

[ Whinnies ] [ Gunshot ]

God damn it! Hey, dumbass!

You scaring off all the horse meat with your weed whacking.

These is my weeds.

Don't you tell me how to whack 'em.

Well, they might be your weeds, but you whacking 'em on my land!

Your land is trespassing right on top of my land,

and you need to get your land the hell off of my land!

Well, if it ain't Dewey Duvall Jr.,

trespassing on Cuyler land.

Early Cuyler -- I should have known it was you.

From the fact that you's green and have eight legs

and I clearly recognized you from knowing you before.

How's your daddy been,

and all them other ass-faced sumbitches

in your family that I hate?

Oh, we ain't never been better. Thanks for askin'.

Until yesterday,

when daddy put a deer stand in a cellphone tower

made out to look like a tree, but it wasn't a tree at all,

it was a cell phone tower,

and he's dead 'cause the radiation fried his brain.

[ Sobbing ]

Oh, goodness, Dewey.

That's just too bad his brain couldn't reject radiation

the way my mama rejected his pathetic romantic advances.

Oh, your mama didn't reject my daddy.

Far from it.

He milked that cow like he owned it.

He could start a Greek-yogurt factory

with all the milk he got off that cow. Say that to my face!

-I think I just did! -Come a little closer.

My face ain't heard it close enough.

Oh, I would, but I'm afraid you'd try to kiss me

and make love to me -- just like your mama did with my daddy --

over and over and over and over again!

Rusty, say what he said to my face

so he can see that I won't try to make love to him

and kiss him all over, so he can say it to my face later. All right.

He made a crude comparison to Granny's love-making

to milking a cow and further implied

that his daddy didn't have to own a cow

'cause he was getting a lot of sex with Granny for free out of wedlock.

What that hell did your mouth just say to me?!

Now say it to the gun!

Now, if y'all Cuylers are gonna fight,

don't be doing it on Duvall land.

It ain't your land! You trespassing on Cuyler land.

You're trespassing on Duvall land! You're on my land!

-Get off my land! -Get off my land!

Why don't you come over here and say that to my face?!

I would, but I might kiss you and make love to you

like you said my mama done to your daddy, but she didn't!

Daddy, I-I feel like we're covering the same ground here.

I'm just repeating it to make sure he gets what I'm saying.

[ Smooching ] What, that you won't kiss me and make love to me?

Oh, I get that! That ain't at all my damn point!

The point is this is my goddamn land!

-Daddy, we should probably go. -No! They should probably go!

We ain't going nowhere!

We're here to bury my daddy on Duvall land.

Well, where you gonna bury him?

I need to know so I don't spit all over his grave,

even though you know I will.

You ain't never gonna find him.

We're gonna bury him so deep

that his skeleton's gonna be eating egg rolls

with the Vietnamese.

Right over there by that headstone?

Damn it, I knew they'd find the unmarked grave if we marked it.

You get them bones off Cuyler land

or I'm gonna get 'em off for ya!

Your verbalizations don't intimidize us, Cuyler.

We gonna be watching you.

Reverse psycho-somaticism. You ain't gonna be watching,

and that's exactly when I'm gonna be here to flip that headstone.

Go over there and flip it, see what you might not get.

Come on, Rusty, let's go.

I ain't gonna flip that sumbitching pathetic gravestone,

'cause that's exactly what you think I want me to do!

We flipping that gravestone right now!

Ooh, fun!

Who's final resting place we gonna desecrate?

Dewey Goddamn Junior Senior Senior.

Dewdrop Honeydew? He passed?!

[ Sobbing ]

Huh. That's a damn weird-ass reaction.

Seeing as how you rejected Dewey Junior Senior Senior

for my daddy.

So that stuff about free milk was true?

Yes, baby. The sex was mind-blowing

[sniffles] but I loved him.

I truly loved him.

And by "him," she means your granddaddy, not Dewey Duvall --

Let me tell my story.

I'll take the story from here.

When Ga Ga Pee Pap was young, he could charm the birds

straight out of the sumbitching trees.

Get out of that tree, birds...

[ Slurps ] [ Click ]

...and get into my mouth.

Early: Your granny was naturally drawn to Ga Ga.

Daddy, I'd like to ask my sister's hand in marriage.

Well, let me think on it.

Okay. I think that will work.

Hot damn. Let's do this.

Well, this is a big decision. I-I think I need more time.

You already 14. How much more time do you need?

Early: As the years passed, their love fermented into the finest wine.

But Dewey Duvall come along

and tried to sever my parents' special bond.

Mm!

What the [bottle shatters]

Look at my favorite robe.

You warshed it with my rebel flags.

I'll look like a fool at the cross-burning.

It ain't even Breast Cancer Month.

Bleach my robe and warsh my laundries

better than you have been doing.

Look at this. I'm -- I'm gonna look like I ain't got no sense.

Back in those days, Rusty, you stayed together,

even if you weren't happy.

And you was very happy with daddy!

So that's a puzzling thing to say.

Sexually satisfied, too, from what I hear.

Oh, yeah. I'm done.

I am the best at sex.

Tell the boy.

You know what? We are all out of hay, I just noticed.

I should go over to Duvall's barn

and borrow more hay for us so we can have hay.

I'm the king of sex.

What Dewey and I had was real!

Oh, real, huh? Real like your hay collection?

[ Screaming ] [ Grunting ]

Woman, you've been collecting hay all night.

But the only hay you bring home

seems to be in your hair and stuck to your back.

Also, he's nude.

Early: And so Dewey and Ga Ga

took their differences to the dueling grounds.

Dewey Duvall, I challenge you to a duel

for the love of this woman.

But more importantly, for all the land

on the other side of this wind-blown tater chip baggie.

I accept your challenge for Ruby Jean's heart,

but not for the land -- I already own that.

Early: Dewey Duvall wanted Cuyler land,

and the only way he could get to it

was by having sex with your grandmama!

[ Sobbing ]

Maybe she just had sex with him 'cause she loved him.

Do you want to tell the story or do I do?

So they had a duel, like with guns and everything?

No.

But that would have gone faster, probably.

How about we just wail on each other with rebar?

-Ow! -I got you!

-Ow! -I got you again.

Ow. You got me. -Ow.

-But now I got you. -Ow.

-Ow. -Ow.

-Ow. -Ow.

Early: They dueled on through the night and into the early morning,

fueled by the love of one woman.

And, confusingly, also some land.

-Ow. -Hang on, time-out.

-Ow! -Okay, now time-out.

I'm tired. Ruby Jean, get over here

and whack this fellow while I get some sleep.

But I don't want to hit Dewey.

And I don't want to hit Ruby Jean. I love her.

If you don't hit her, you don't hit me.

And if you don't hit me, I win.

Not if she don't hit me first.

That's right, I don't want to hit him.

Don't make this about you.

You hit him 'cause you're me in this scenario.

I love you, Dewey, but I'm married.

I understand, Ruby Jean.

Goodbye.

Oh.

Bip! I win!

Dewey, no!

[ Crying ] -The land is mine!

Early: Daddy won fair and square.

But if you ask me, Granny was the real winner.

And ever since that day, them Duvalls have had it in for us.

But tonight, we settle the score -- once and for all!

[ Grunting ]

-Whoo! -Whoo!

Yeah, we number one! Whoo-hoo! Hell, yeah!

-Oh! -Well, looky here!

We meet again.

Just like I pretended not to expect you to do

when I knew you was gonna do it.

Well, I knew that you was pretending to think

you knew what I was gonna do or not.

So now I ain't gonna not do it no damn more!

-Do what? -Do this!

[ Spitting ] -Oh, you son of a bitch!

Don't you be spitting on Duvall property!

Only Duvall property I see is your ugly-ass face!

I'm about to smack it in with a damn stick of rebar!

You showed up with rebar to a gun fight.

So did I.

Guess that makes this a rebar fight.

Dewey Duvall Jr., I challenge you to a duel

for all the land on the other side of this wind-blown...

Where's the tater-chip baggie?

Probably blew away.

It always was very wind-blown.

Oh, I'll whup your ass, but I ain't giving you my land.

I done told you, it's my damn land!

Ow. It's my land!

-Ow! It's my land! -Ow. I told you it's my land.

[ Siren wails ] Ow. Damn it, it's my land!

Ow. Duvall -- Early, Dewey Jr., y'all drop that rebar!

-Sheriff, stay out of this. -Ow!

Y'all, there's no need for violence.

Rusty and I hired a survey crew

so we can settle this whole thing peacefully.

Yeah, and after they mark the property line,

we can put up a fence.

And good fences make good neighbors.

Can we still beach each other to death with rebar?

Well [clears throat] it's not against any law I'm aware of.

-Ow! -Ow!

-Ow, ow, ow! -Ow!

-Ow! -Ow!

-Ow! -Ow!

-Ow! -Ow!

-Ow! -Ow!

-Ow! -Hey, uh, you guys mind

taking a couple steps over to the left?

Ow. Sure, I'll whup his ass over here.

Hell, every bit of this is Cuyler land.

Uh, well, these county maps show this is Duvall land.

-What?! That's impossible! -Ow!

And the Cuyler property, well, that's everything

inside these four stakes here.

Just about big enough to hold your shack,

which appears to have shifted east.

I-I moved to a little closer into town,

you know, shorten my commute.

Well, you best get your shack back on your land,

'cause right now, it's trespassing on Duvall land.

How about you make me, big'un?

Dewey Double-J, set fire to the shack.

No, no, no, no!

Now get that flaming shit shack off my land.

Come on, y'all.

Let's get this flaming shit shack off his land.

Can I challenge you to a rebar fight?

Maybe win back some of my land?

I don't think so.

Maybe my mama could have the sex with you

and maybe you'd give us some land?

Daddy, that ain't got nothing to do with it.

Well, I'm just spit-balling here.

Would you maybe be interested in selling me some land?

Sorry, we're not on the market at the moment.

God damn it!