Original subtitles

[ Static ]

[ Polka music plays ]

♪ My dreams are all dead and buried ♪

♪ Sometimes I wish the sun would just explode ♪

♪ Just explode

♪ When God comes and calls me to his kingdom ♪

♪ I'll take all you polka people when I go ♪

♪ When I go, when I go

[ Yodeling ]

♪ Let her blow now

♪ Hey, oh ♪ Let her blow now

♪ Hey, oh ♪ Let her blow now

♪ Hey, oh ♪ Let her blow now

♪ Hey!

My turn. Hell no.

Man, let me drive that thing! Come on.

Do not touch the trim!

Nubbins: As y'all know,

we're gearing up for our big mission trip.

Could we please not go to Haiti this year?

We go where God calls us, Early.

Well, if he calls from Haiti,

let's don't pick up the damn phone.

'Cause I hated Haiti. You feel me?

Probably why they call it Haiti,

'cause everybody hates it.

I hate it.

I had such a bad time in Haiti.

I mean, pardon my French, but [Bleep] Haiti.

Let me remind everyone --

this ain't some beach vacation.

We're there to build homes and spread the gospel.

Well, I'm gonna spread some suntan lotion,

spread some legs, spread the word

that Early Cuyler's comin' to town, baby!

Unless it's Haiti.

I ain't goin' to Haiti again.

We're going to Quetzaltenango, Guatemala.

Jackpot!

Toes in the sand and beer in my hand!

Quetzaltenango, baby!

Well, go on.

Pack your swimsuit and your boogie board.

The bus leaves next Sunday.

Next Sunday! A full week from right now!

Hell yeah! Whoo!

[ Tires squealing in distance ]

[ Hushed voice ] I lied, y'all.

The bus leaves tomorrow morning, 3:00 a.m.

under cloak of night.

But you just told Early a week from now.

And hopefully God will forgive me,

but God don't want him down there, and neither do I.

Wait, so are you leaving him here with us?

It's just a week, Ruby Jean.

Ah, don't sugarcoat it.

It's the rest of our lives!

♪♪

Early: Well, now... [ Gasps ]

Well, if it ain't Jimmy Buffett

setting sail for Margaritaville.

If I didn't know better,

I'd say you but sneakin' off on a mission trip.

I-I just like to be ready early, y'know.

Not so early like we're leaving early.

Not like six days early or anything.

[ Chuckling ] It ain't like we're kinda

sneakin' out under the secrecy of darkness

or under the cloak of night

or nothin' like that or anything, y'know.

[ Speaking Spanish ]

Oh, you're learning Mexican, are you?

That's good. Oh, yeah.

I even made me some index cards here

with some common Mexican phrases.

Go on. Quiz me.

"Hello."

Hola.

"Where is the bathroom?"

Dónde está el baño.

"Your breasts are plump

and...sexual to me.

May I pour a full gallon of milk upon them?"

Down there, it's respectable to ask.

You don't want to be too forward.

You know, this just may not be the trip for you.

Listen, I'll -- I'll see you later.

I got to get to, uh, work?

You know, what I get paid for?

Uh, drivin' my police car

and, uh, bein' uh, a sheriff?

Without your gun and badge?

Well, it's uh...

kinda like a... casual Monday.

[ Clears throat ] See ya later.

He bought it. [ Chuckles evilly ]

[ Engine starts ] Monday's ain't never casual.

You think I don't know corporate culture?

[ Speaking Spanish ]

[ Hushed voice ] Let's go. Quick. Keep your feet movin'.

Go. Go, go.

Come on, Sheriff, we got to go!

I-I ran into Early.

But don't worry,

I'm -- I'm pretty sure I shook him.

God help me, I told him so many lies.

[ Match strikes ] Early: A turtle of lies, would you say?

Ohhh...hey, Early... you made it.

You think my boogie board's gonna fit

under that storage compartment?

Just made it last night -- Chinese gypsum.

[ Strained ] Get in there, you son of a bitch!

Early, we can't have you down there

if you're just gonna surf.

I know that. I'm also scuba diving.

I'm ready to explore the briny deep!

I got you a new [grunting] toothbrush!

You got to keep them pearly whites sparkly clean!

You think I'm some kind of fool? [ Thwack! ]

If I get back from preaching Jesus' word

and I find out you been [bleep] with me,

you been [bleep] the damn wrong [bleep]hole.

I will burn that goddamn house to the ground

with every damn one of us in it.

You get my message?

Now give me my damn toothbrush.

Okay, love you! I love you, Daddy.

I love you too, son!

Now, preacher,

I expect to have the same itinerary

as everybody else.

Fine. Fine, here you go, big man.

Buildin' houses? 6:00 a.m.?

Who made this son-of-a-bitch vacation schedule?

♪ Kumbaya, my lord

♪ Kumbaya

I thought we was buildin' a wall

to keep 'em out --

not four walls and a roof!

God damn, it's hot out here!

What kind of dumb-ass people live in a place this hot?!

♪ Kumbaya, my lord What happened to "America First," huh?

♪ Kumbaya Hell, I got holes in my own son-of-a-bitchin' roof!

If I wanted to work on a house,

I could've stayed home and done that!

You think I like workin' on houses?

Hell, no! My house is a piece of shit!

Rusty: Hey, Granny, look at this.

I found all these samples

in the dumpster behind the paint store.

Oh, it's beautiful, baby.

Like Joseph's coat of many colors.

Sure is nice not having

that old damn third wheel around.

You know, sometimes, squeaky wheels,

they get greased.

"Woman, please, no!"

[ Gunshot ] [ Chuckles ]

Granny, come on, now.

You know no one would blame us.

Whoop--

[ Gunshot ] Gimme that.

Listen, I think Daddy's gonna come back a changed man

after spending some time down there

and spreadin' the gospel.

I hope he's spreadin' his ass cheeks

in the Guatemalan jail.

♪♪

Sheriff: Hoo-whee!

Stick a fork in me, ha, I'm done.

Early, will you pray in fellowship with me?

God damn it, ain't we talked to him enough today?

Blessed Jesus,

I thank thee for the opportunity

to build houses down here,

even though I claim to be a master electrician,

and you and I both know, very well, that I am not.

Please allow us safe passage back to America,

where the food doesn't give me such explosive diarrhea.

[ To the tune of "Kumbaya" ] ♪ Copper pipes, my lord

♪ Copper wire

♪ Head to town, my Lord

♪ Find a buyer

I mean, half the time when I squat over

one of these holes in the ground,

I -- I mess right in my pants

'cause I can't get no leverage.

♪ Tie one on, my lord

♪ And drink some drinks

♪ Get [cha-ching] up, my lord ♪

♪ Cause hijinks Whoo!

Lord, I only packed seven pairs of undies

and I've fully wrecked six of them.

Why would you create such a place?

Anyway, I should wrap this up, so...amen.

What the --?

His boogie board. His note cards.

Everything he would have with him

if he were leaving, gone.

[ Latin club music playing ]

Yeah, baby!

Let's get some leche up in here in this bitch!

Somebody's gonna finally let me do it!

Hell yeah! Owww!

Señorita?

[ Cow moos ]

[ Men grunting ]

Sheriff: The copper pipes. The copper wires.

Everything Early would probably

rip off of a job site, gone.

Unbelievable.

Don't I know it.

[ Spits ]

The crime down here sucks.

Where are all the pipes, Early?

What you mean "all the pipes"?

There's still some PVC up there.

'Cause nobody wants PVC!

Ooh, but they go crazy

for that copper though, won't they?

Whoo! The market for that is robust!

I knew it was you. Drive him to the airstrip...

Whoa, whoa! Hey, wait, wait!

...and put him on a flight home. You the same sombitches

that beat my ass three hours ago!

[ Wailing ] Corruption!

Early: Landscaping... paint job...

Looks nice what y'all done with the place.

Gon' look even better all lit up at night...

on fire.

Aww. You just got home.

Why not kick back and relax,

and not say all that ominous, terrifying shit

for a little bit?

What do you -- what do you mean light it on fire?

So they won't think it was me.

So they don't know what I'm doin',

or what I done, or what I plan to do!

Yeah, I still don't know what your doin'.

Or what you done.

Or what you're plannin' to do, Daddy.

I'm sayin', if it was me,

how did my house burn down too?

Thus there's not a way it was me.

To do what?

To burn the goddamn church down

for how they hurt my damn feelings down there.

If in fact that is what I did,

which is not what I did, 'cause I didn't do it!

Rusty: Daddy, why do we always got to solve our problems

by burnin' the house down?

Didn't I just go over this?

It's like we don't communicate no more!

[ Glass shatters ]

♪♪

[ Grunting ] There we go.

Bienvenidos to your new casa.

[ Electricity crackles ]

Ohh, Sheriff.

Look, I prayed that this would work,

and now I'm prayin' for forgiveness.

Can we all join hands?

Come on, y'all, we got a flight to catch.

Well, you know, Satan, he's --

he also works in mysterious ways too.

Oh, you're a preacher now?

'Cause you certainly ain't an electrician.

What the hell?!

Our sanctuary!

Put it out!

Everybody put it out!

Ah, don't worry, Pastor Nubbins.

Maybe some Guatemalans will fly up here,

with fancy t-shirts on,

and rebuild you a church.

Early, what the hell are you doing here?

When y'all sent me home the way you done,

every voice in my head was a-tellin' me,

"burn that damn church down

and then burn your own house down, too,

so they won't think you done it."

But I didn't burn this church down.

Because I was raised better than that.

This here was done by lightning.

Lightning? Uh-huh.

Lightning strike.

Straight from Jesus' fingertips, probably.

You know how he hates for me to get my feelings hurt.

For some reason, I don't believe you, Early.

Hell, how could I be lying? It hit my place too.

Your place burned too, Early?

Well, there's no way he's lying.

And Sheriff ain't lying neither.

His place burned, as well. What?!

Momma! [ Whining ] No!

Looks like the Christ child is smiting you all

for all the hubris of what --

[ Gunshot ] Oh, my God!

Early! Oh, no!

My only boy, struck down in his prime! Oh!

Uh... By lightning.

Lightning got him, right?

I mean, there's no question. Lightning.

-Oh, yeah. Yeah. -Yeah.

-Yeah. -Looked like lightning.

It looked like you kinda shot --

[ Gunshot ] My knee! [ Whimpers ]

Lightning can hit anyone.

Anyone...

I'll just write it up as lightning.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪