Original subtitles

[ Static ]

[ Organ music plays ]

♪♪

[ Rifle cocks ]

[ Seatbelt clicks ]

♪♪

[ Squeaking ]

♪♪

-My turn. -Hell no.

Hey, man, let me drive that thing! Come on!

Don't touch the trim!

We see Dougal County as a destination for people

to fill up on gas when they're en route to

far more interesting places.

But as long as you're stopping to drop a deuce,

why not take in a minor league baseball game

at the future home of

The Dougal County Flying Pecan Logs?!

Distribute the hats, Glenn.

Pecan logs are a bedrock of our local economy.

-That looks like a turd. -Winged Pecan turds?!

Jesus, Glenn! Just give me back the hats.

Those are wrong. Those are the wrong hats.

Look, if we're going to relocate

our single-A ball club to Dougal County,

we're gonna need a name with more zip,

more spunk, more fire in its belly.

Absolutely! Sure, I get it.

You want a better team name. We'll do that.

Look, the stadium is done.

It's taxpayer funded. Just give me the money!

Hey, what is that thing? What? Who? What thing?

Over there punching the trash can.

You son of a bitch! I'll kill yo' ass!

No, no, Daddy! Stop it! He's said I'm a fool!

[ Hisses ] Oh, that's just

a local half-wit.

And belive me, I'm being very generous

with the amount of "wit" I've afforded him.

And that's indigenous to the region?

Unfortunately, yes,

until I get the tax rate up to where I want it.

Now who's a damn fool?

-[ Hisses ] -I'll kill you, bitch!

The Dougal County Ornery Mud Squids.

I like it. It's golden.

-Trademark it. -Fine. Slap him on the hats

if you want! Just give me the money!

Do you think you're the only swindle

I have on my schedule today?

Early: "The Horny Mud Squids"?

It's my private, personal business if I'm horny or not.

And if I'm horny, I'll tell you on a hat of my own choosin'!

Like this one here.

And there's times when I ain't horny

'cause there's times when I can't get it up.

And, you know, I'll wear a hat for that, too.

It's "ornery", Daddy, not "horny."

I control the narrative!

My personal sex life

is none of you or your ball team's hat's business.

How are people gonna know how big my pecker is

holding such a small gun?

And five teeth? What am I -- a damn game show host,

flossin' all day long in my lounge chair?

You misappropriatizin' my culture,

and I ain't about to stand for it!

How about I just give you a job?

Oh, yeah, I-I'll take a job. That'd -- That'd shut me up.

I do have a couple years experience in tube steak peppery

and corn dog stickification.

No, you-you'll go nowhere near anything edible,

but I do have a position you are uniquely qualified to fill.

Hell, yeah! Do what I love, and the money will follow.

And I love drinkin', fightin', and effin' in the "B."

Whoo!

Only two of those will be allowed.

Drinkin' and effin' in the "B" it is.

No. No B's are to be effed during the workday.

Whoo! I'm gamefully employed, baby!

Let me just post this out to social media right quick.

[ Tapping ]

That's a bathroom tile.

Oh, is that right?

Well, do they make monogrammed belt-clip holsters

for bathroom tiles?

Apparently you do. Damn right I do.

You got to fake it 'til you make it.

Aw, shit! I passed on a protection plan.

Well, well, guess who got him a G-O-B -- job?

Oh, hoo! Is that a new gun? Damn straight.

Well, I'm inclined to believe your pecker is humongous

on account of how big your gun is.

No seven-day waiting period,

no mental health evaluation.

They gonna let me shoot at people, too!

I can finally achieve my darkest fantasy.

And five teeth! Ohh, la la!

Looks like they have a good dental plan.

That's what I'm sayin'! I finally failed upwards.

Shh! Daddy, it's a deer.

[ Gun cocks ]

[ Grunts ]

Damn cotton slugs.

What kind of job dresses you like this?

I'll show you.

What are you -- like a toddler medium, or something?

-Ooh! -Ohh, ho, ho!

You put them shirts on now.

Now, you let everybody know that you with the nitwit!

Squiddy the Nitwit! Yeeee-haw!

Crowd: Nitwit!

Nitwit!

Nitwit!

Announcer: The nitwit's about to get lit.

Boom!

Whoo-hoo! If this gun was real, y'all would all be dead!

Ha ha! -Uh-oh!

Squiddy is telling the Savannah Sunfish,

"Git off my land!"

Give me the pills! I need the damn pills!

Announcer: Ain't no stoppin' when the nitwit's oxy-trottin'.

-I want that damn pill! -Uh-oh.

The nitwit's gone and lost his mind again.

Is it under 1, 2, or 3?

[ Crowd shouting suggestions ]

Sorry, the nitwit's mind is gone forever

due to a lifetime of alcohol abuse.

-Nitwit! -Everybody, rip you a switch

'cause it's time to Rile The Nitwit"!

Hey, don't you rile me now. Ow! I'm gettin' riled.

Ow! Whoo! I got riled, and I'm wild!

Hell yeah, baby! Whoo!

So, this is your job -- runnin' around playin' a nitwit?

Ha ha! Listen to the jealousy.

You want me to sign them boobies, little girl?

Aah! Oh, yeah. She'll be back.

Stop poking me! I got some dignity here.

Well, you can poke me all the hell you want.

Ow! I don't need no damn dignity

because I'm super...famous, baby!

Whoo! Ow! They just made a statue of me.

Ow! Just what the hell have they ever done

to celebrate your achievements? Ow!

Well, it ain't a statue, Daddy.

It's a bobblehead, and it makes you look like a dumbass.

I told them repeatedly my head ain't that big

compared to my body, and my neck ain't this loose.

Daddy, they got you having sex with a goat.

I'm not attracted to goats!

Hell, that's supposed to be a sheep.

Let me text that sumbitch in marketing.

[ Tapping ] Ooh! Damn.

You're making us all look like a bunch

of dumb, inbred fools, Daddy.

You just jealous 'cause I hit the big-time!

How many boobies you gonna sign today?

Ow! I got more fame now than you can shake a stick at!

Ow! Stop shaking that stick at me!

The rally's over, damn it!

Thanks, Nitwit.

I was trying to blow your damn head off!

Randy's excited about going to the baseball game

with his daddy. You guys get special box seats?

Oh, we ain't goin' inside. We're going outside to protest.

Come on, Rusty. It's exciting.

Plus, your daddy ain't been stalking me once

since this home stand.

Startin' to feel kind of neglected.

Daddy's a nitwit.

Poke the nitwit. Tammi, what the hell?

I told you I felt about this. Randy is half-squid.

Yeah, we're not advertising that right now.

Squids have dignity! We're not nitwits!

We're real-ass creatures with real-ass problems!

Ow! Thanks, Nitwit.

I'm not a nitwit.

You know, I know the nitwit personally.

He came out of my vagina.

--What the? -This is the original

nitwit's nest. Hey, where's your sign?

Oh, don't make me wear that. It's such a buzzkill.

It's supposed to be.

People see you in the walker with that sign,

they're gonna have sympathy on us.

I don't want sympathy!

I want to get poked by some sticks, have some laughs,

maybe get a free hot dog.

I want to live!

[ Clapping ] Thank you, yes.

Someone out there gets it.

Nah, just heard there was a baseball game

and thought I'd come down and slap my butt cheeks together.

Aunt Lil, if we want to restore our dignity,

we can't be out here clappin' our ass cheeks

in front of the stadium.

But this will get me a free hot dog, I bet!

Buy me a hot dog! Look at my butt cheeks!

Announcer: Come on, party people,

let's clap your hands!

[ Rhythmic clapping ]

Keep clapping!

Oh, well, now, look who's back to bask

in the fame of the world-famous nitwit.

Ow! No, Daddy.

I'm here to ask you to walk away from all of this.

Are you gonna force me to break the cycle?

Is that right? Well, I'm forced

to ride this tiny, little motorcycle.

So, I guess we both on bicycles.

Now who wins?! Ow!

Never mind.

What? Makes the same noise as hands.

And now please rise and join Squiddy the Nitwit

in his backwoods-country rendition of the classic,

"Take Me Out To Watch Baseball."

♪ Let's go out to watch baseball ♪

♪ Let's go out to watch it

♪ Take me to places where that game is played ♪

-What the -- -Hey, Squid fans.

I'm sorry to interrupt.

I know y'all having a great time

riling the nitwit, thinking you're superior.

-What the hell? -And you probably are

'cause the Squiddy the Nitwit is a thrice convicted felon.

Here he is drinking hair spray again.

This way I can drink and huff at the same time.

Drinking, huffing -- let's call it "druffing."

I got no memory of them actions! Hell, no!

Y'all love to come out here and rile the nitwit, don't you?

Rile the nitwit at home,

and an 89-year-old woman gets an ass whoopin'.

What the hell? I'm sorry.

I'm just -- My walker --

You ain't never gonna walk again, bitch!

No, no, no! You seen it!

I was asleep. She woke me up. What was I supposed to do?

You still feel good about riling the nitwit?

Nitwit! Nitwit! Y'all don't believe?

I wouldn't never shoot nobody.

Let's leave the bobblehead here, son.

God damn it! This is a bunch of bullshit!

Damn it! Where's my real gun?

♪♪

♪♪

[ Fireworks whistling ]

♪♪

[ Slow motion ] No!

No!

N-o-o-o-o-o-o!

All right. Let me ass out of here.

I got to get me some rest.

I can't be havin' bags under my eyes

when I'm poppin' and lockin' on the big screen tonight.

Well, that big screen's gone, Early.

I mean, they fired your ass, brother.

[ Chuckles ] I'm fired. Good one.

How the hell's the team gonna win without me?

Just who's gonna keep the crowd

amped up between innings with moves like this --

And this and this here? You? Please.

They've already changed the team name.

Halen's done a complete head-to-toe re-brand.

They the Angel Turds now? Oh, ho-ho-ho, hell.

The Nitwit nation is not gonna be happy about this.

I feel me a tweet storm a-coming on.

[ Tapping ]

Daddy, give it up.

They're already auditioning new mascots.

Dan Halen: All right, number 16, you're up.

And...begin.

[ Birds chirping ]

-Is that it? -Well, I need my music.

It's better with my music.

Fine, fine. Cue the music.

[ Organ plays ]

Do something, goddamn it!

Well, you probably can't see it in the costume,

but I am clappin' my butt cheeks together!

That's my move, bitch!

Bitch, who you think you copped it from?

[ Crowd cheers ]

Made in Georgia.