Original subtitles

[ Static ]

[ Country music plays ]

♪ My dreams are all dead and buried ♪

♪ Sometimes I wish the sun would just explode ♪

♪ When God comes and calls me to his kingdom ♪

♪ I'll take all you sons of bitches when I go ♪

♪♪

♪ Let him go

My turn. Hell no.

Man, let me drive that thing! Come on!

Do not touch the trim!

Early: Excuse me. [ Gasps ]

Sorry to both you, but, uh, could you hang

your dangalang up here in this hole?

What the hell?! Relax, now.

We're just doing a voluntary gender screening.

I mean, if you ain't got no dangalang,

you ain't got nothing to worry about.

Why you walking away, sir? Have a nice day, sir!

That's a man!

Well, chalk another one up.

Sheriff, I need him out of there.

[ Chuckles ] Oh, Bobby, relax.

He's just checking to make sure that men are men

and women are women, 'cause men ain't got no business

going in the ladies room.

But he's a man.

But it takes a man to make the women's room safe

from men who think they're women.

Women, you know, they ain't capable.

That's the credo...

Together: ...of the Latrine Marine.

Yes, he told me.

Sheriff, watch this bathroom.

I got to take myself a bathroom break...

...in a gender-correct bathroom that God intended!

[ Static ] Denny: Washroom Warrior?

It's the Shepherd of the Shitter.

Go ahead, Shepherd.

Things are FUBAR down here at Catfish Castle.

These doors say "buoys" and "gulls".

How do I proceed, over?

[ Static ] My God.

Gimme that.

All right, Shepherd, that's just an LBQ2-D2C3PO

community a-trying to trip us up.

Look at the buoy. Are you aroused by the buoy?

Does the sight of the buoy stir your loins in any way?

It says... "Employees Only".

You're looking at the damn kitchen, Shepherd!

Get in your riot gear! Lock it down!

Nobody tinkles nor doodies till I get down there!

You okay, Early?

Phew! Is it hotter than a whorehouse on dollar day,

or is it just me?

Well, you do look a little flushed.

I'm fine. I'm just retaining a little bit of water.

But according to you, I guess I look bad.

I'm just saying you're ankles look

a little swollen, that's all.

Ah, I can't go on a special ops mission looking like this.

Look at how thin my hair's done an' got.

I used to look good!

Latrine Marine, I barricaded the bathroom.

I don't know how long I can hold 'em.

I don't care. I'm not in the mood anymore.

I wouldn't want to drag you two down

with my fat ankles and my bad hair.

Come on, Early. Rude-ass bitch!

[ Sobbing ]

Brangelina broke up.

You can't count on forever no more.

Daddy, I think that happened a while ago.

Well, it still hurts like it happened yesterday!

Daddy, maybe we ought to go outside

and take a walk, or something.

So, I need exercise, do I?

Well, you know, sometimes when you get older,

your metabolism can slow down.

And here comes the fat shaming.

Amy Schumer said this was gonna happen,

right c'here on page 12!

"Comfortable in My Own Skin"! [ Sobbing continues ]

Pst, come with me, boy.

Might be time for your daddy to...head North.

He oughta head to the damn hospital.

No, Rusty. About every 10 years,

a mud squid has to head North

and squeeze out the contents of his-her egg sac.

His-her egg sac?

Yeah, you see, we all fully equipped downstairs

for bed, bath, and beyond.

Are you -- you saying that --

I'm saying we can mix and match in either half.

What?! Vag, balls -- we got it alls.

Well, wait a minute. Oh, I'm out of rhymes.

You are a man and a woman, and so's your daddy.

I'm a wha? Well, look, I-I don't know

how Daddy can be half woman when he's constantly telling me

he's all man.

Yep. He'll paint this whole affair with a macho brush.

[ Door clatters open ]

Where's my masculine hygiene products?

My man-pons. That's right.

I'm a man, so, hell, yeah. I occasionally man-stru-ate.

That's where the damn word come from

before it got appropriatized by the damn feminazis.

Dang, Daddy, you gotten even bigger in the last 10 minutes.

We got to get you to the doctor.

Well, I ain't going looking like this.

I need my control hose.

My thighs look like hemorrhaged sheet metal.

♪♪

Congratulations. Everything looks perfectly normal.

Oh, thank goodness. What a relief, Doc.

That's wonderful news.

Yep, you're gonna give birth to about 100 eggs.

[ Laughs ] Listen to him.

I don't lay eggs.

I lay wom-erns!

It says so on my hat. See?

"I don't lay eggs, I lay womerns!!!"

Well, your hat makes a very compelling argument,

but I'm afraid you're going to be a mommy...and a daddy,

because you have both sex organs.

No. No. No. No.

No! No! No! No! No!

No! No! No! No! No!

[ Gun clicking ] No! No! No!

No! No! No! No! No! No!

No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

Nooooo! [ Panting ]

I see you're a little, uh, emotional right now,

and that's normal for women in your situation.

I would imagine it's your hormones.

I don't make hormones!

I make whores moan with my large penis.

It says so on another hat of mine,

which I do not have at this moment

'cause they took it away from me at church.

God damn, don't he understand

I can only wear one hat at a given time?

So, this whole time you've been a woman?

No, damn it. I done told you. I'm not a womern.

I'm all man.

Ain't nobody read my damn hats?

Daddy, if I wanted to hear your opinion,

I'll take my [truck horn blare] out of your mouth.

That's what I say to women. That's how you taught me.

And that's fine if you're talking to your grandma-ma,

but I'm a man.

And to prove as such, we is going on a male-bonding trip.

No womerns allowed.

♪♪

Okay, then. Let's go through the checklist

for our guys weekend.

Gun. Check.

Ammo. Check.

My Ladies Home Journal with 15 fun ideas for fall.

Check.

My wiglet. Yeah, got that.

Three bottles of Pinot Grig. Yep.

Them little tinkly trinkets we can put around the stem

of our wine glasses so we don't mix them up. Okay.

One of these hats. I can't decide.

They're both so cute. Eh, it don't matter.

You know what? I'm just gonna bring both.

My shower massager. Wink, wink.

[ Chuckles ] Guys trip! Boys weekend!

Us get wild, boys! Whoo!

Sports! Hell, yeah!

Hey, Daddy, I've been thinking.

Maybe this is getting to be just like a "guy" weekend.

You know, like, "guy" -- singular.

Oh, okay.

Well, like... just you, not me.

Y-You don't want to be [sniffs] emotionally open?

Daddy, no.

Y-you don't want to share, do you?

N-No, Daddy, it's not that.

I hear you loud and clear, Rusty.

So, you just do you, and I'll just do me!

Daddy. [ Sobs ]

[ Sobbing and sniffling continues ]

Go be with him, Rusty.

He ain't much of a man right now,

but he's the only daddy you got.

[ Sighs ] Hold on, Daddy, I'm coming.

[ Bird cawing ]

Whoo! Lake Rabun!

Guys weekend, baby! Whoo!

[ Grunting ]

Daddy, what are you doing?

Just digging me a man cave.

I thought a man cave was like a-a really nice basement

where you play video games and hide from your wife.

No, it's a hole in the ground where I keep my belly cool.

I felt a kick -- I mean, a man fart.

[ Gurgling, groans ]

That fart looks solid, Daddy.

I-It's coming!

Ohh! Get away from me!

I got manly things to do here!

Man, daddy, you got eggs coming out your who-haw.

Just dropping a deuce, that's all.

[ Groans ]

Merely taking a big, ol' man dump.

Ooh.

Ohh, this one ain't coming!

Ohh, get the barbecue tongs!

Push, Daddy! Push!

Don't you talk down to me!

I ain't no woman you can boss around.

[ Farting ] Ohh, please!

Talk to me about manly shit right now.

Ohh!

Uh, okay. Uh, h-how you think them Dawgs

gonna do this year, big man?

Ah! They gonna win it all, of course!

Ohh, they'd win every year if it weren't for

the damn biased media -- uh --

and all them other teams that are better than them.

Ahh!

You want you a dip, big man?

Maybe you wanna punch somebody?

Yeah, please.

[ Weak grunts ] Uh! Ow!

Uh, give me my gun.

Ah! I want to shoot it off. It pleases me.

Aah!

[ Fart ] Whoo!

I'm wild!

Whoo! Ahh.

Whoo! Ahh.

Whoo! Uh.

♪♪

Aw, look at 'em, Daddy.

Who could've thought that something so beautiful

could come from such a foul, wretched hole.

[ Sniffs ] I'm a daddy, Rusty...

...and a mama, I guess.

I am a mama.

God don't make no mistakes, Daddy.

Some of his choices are odd, yes, but He don't make mistakes.

Whoo! Go Dawgs!

Gimme back my bullets! Whoo! Sic 'em, baby!

Who's hungry for a milkshake?

[ Cawing and screeching ] My babies!

Get away! Get away!

No! Birds is eating my babies! Get my gun.

Damn birds!

[ Gun clicking ] No!

Daddy, you shot all the ammo giving birth.

Why must I always shoot when I celebrate?

Why?!

[ Cawing continues ]

Oh, Lordy, my boss finds out I'm half-bitch,

I'll only make 77 cents on the damn dollar.

It ain't fair when it's happening to me!

But, ain't it a weight off your shoulders

to finally accept it, Daddy?

Accept what?

You know. Say it out loud.

Say what out loud?

You know, that you're a man...and a woman.

I'm a what?

No. Hell, no.

I don't know what you talking about.

Nothing happened c'here, 'cause they's nothing to see.

And if you tell anybody about this here what happened,

I'll kill your ass.

Well, on the bright side, uh, you can drink again.

My glass had the baby stork charm on it!

Guys weekend is over!

[ Sobbing ]

There he goes. Hey! Hi, tough guy!

Well, how did they die?

Uh, look, I-I don't know what you're talking about.

I didn't see nothing, didn't hear nothing.

Um...just a couple guys talking about guy stuff.

It was the crows, wasn't it?

Yes'm.

I'll never have the chance to leave all my babies

strapped in a hot vehicle [sniffles]

while I go inside a bar to watch me some pigskin action!

I keep saying, "Lake Rabun is

a dumb-ass place to give birth."

Hell, that's why we're such a small family.

Hey, y'all! I found my who-haw!

♪♪

♪♪