Original subtitles

[ Static ]

♪ My dreams are all dead and buried ♪

♪ Sometimes I wish the sun would just explode ♪

♪ When God comes and calls me to his Kingdom ♪

♪ I'll take all you sons of bitches when I go ♪

♪ Let 'er blow-ow-ow! ♪

-My turn. -Hell no.

Hey, man, let me drive that thing! Come on!

Do not touch the trim!

Well, here they are, y'all, my babies.

They say you know knew real love

'til you purchase kids o' your own.

These little guys give me a reason

to wake up in the mornin'.

And you're willing to pay me real money

to make some Halloween costumes for 'em?

Oh, you bet.

Now, Colby wants to be a wizard,

Shelby wants to be the first baby in space,

and Kelby wants to be the sand worm from "Dune."

You're lookin' at a lot of man-hours here.

How much are you willin' to part with on this?

Well, whatever you think's fair.

$2,000.

Half up front, other half before we leave here today.

So, all of it up front.

You got yourself a deal, hoss.

Ah. 2 grand's a lot of money.

But it'll be worth it to see their little eyes

light up on Halloween night.

Where's the button that makes the eyes light up?

Whoa! What the hell are you doin', you dumb bitch?!

You ripped the cellophane!

These costumes go on the box.

The dolls must never leave the box.

If I don't keep my Lettuce Leafies

in mint condition, they lose value.

Oh, they're valuable?

Well, just how much monetary costification we talkin' about?

Well, an unblemished doll, complete with

adoption certificate,

in the original, pristine packagin'

could bring up to about 5 grand or so.

Is that right?

Yep.

Lettuce Leafy Dandy Sprout dolls

are a good investment. If I'd ever sell 'em.

[chuckle] Which I won't.

♪♪

You know, I never cared much for "Dune."

Herbert had some unresolved gender issues.

It don't matter, 'cause Sheriff ain't getting 'em.

They're goin' on our dolls,

which we gonna sell for $5,000!

But don't dolls have heads, with faces on 'em?

There!

[Splat!] Doll.

[muffled] But don't they also have bodies

and arms and hair and stuff?

Dang it, I'm the CEO of this company.

I really need to micromanage this?

Figure it out!

[Eerie music plays] [Thunder crashes

[ Grunting ]

[ Thud ]

Ooh!

The doll-parts store is open.

I'll take two of these, one of these.

[Whimsical tune plays] No one's gonna miss this one.

[ Lightning crashes ]

[ Beatboxing ]

Squash B'Gosh.

Get your dolls.

Come on down, it's like a mini mall.

Oh, hey, Tammi.

Hey, buddy boy. -Daddy!

Is this right

or did y'all just forget the decimal?

Damn straight, it's right.

$5,000.

They collectibles.

See, Randy, it's like a superhero,

but it's made out of a gourd.

Are these animal bones?

No, no, they're definitely not the bones of an animal.

That's the Squash B'Gosh guarantee.

Pirate, pirate!

Hey, Daddy, can I give one to the macho man here?

Thanks, but Randy doesn't need one of these.

Oh! Let's give him one.

Who else is he supposed to play with,

since his mama's out every night,

spreadin' her legs for anybody

with a dollar in their pocket? -Come on, Granny,

don't disparage Tammi in front of the child.

So she's a slut, but I'm the bad guy?

Pirate, pirate!

I want pirate!

All right, just take it. Let's go.

Yay! -All right, I'll see y'all

tonight for trick-or-treats. -Don't be late.

Uh-oh. Heads up. Sheriff, three o'clock.

Hey, hey, hey, Sheriff.

Uh, I got them Halloween costumes you wanted.

Just in time, Early.

Huh.

These are like a bunch

of your old, sweaty novelty hats.

No, no, you been mistaken, Sheriff.

This here is your wizerd.

Here's your spaceman.

Ands this one here is the sand worm from "Dune."

Y'all enjoy, now. -And what's this over here?

-Hey, hey! Don't go over there. -Squash B'Gosh?!

Yep! Our new line of collectibles.

So you put my costumes on your dolls.

Or am I to believe that the sand worm from "Dune"

is suddenly popular this year?

No, sir. This here is the worm from "Tremors."

Totally different worm.

Daddy, just give him one.

It's full of maggots, anyways.

All right, fine.

Here's your damn adoption papers.

Well, just so you know, I'm contestin'

the charge on these damn costumes.

Come along, Tolby.

Let's go home and meet the gang.

Randy, sweetheart,

Squashbuckler's startin' to collect fruit flies,

so why don't we leave him here

while we go trick-or-treatin'.

I'm gonna bring 'im!

What if I let you have a hot dog?

Hot dog, yay!

Yeah! Hot dog.

[ Snoring ]

I think it's time to call it.

Come on, Daddy, wake up.

[Bottle clangs] Wh-Wh-What?!

How many units did we move?

"We"?!

All you moved is about a fifth

of that rotgut into your belly.

This is Tuesday. This is my goddamn day to drink.

Come on, Daddy, let's pack this stuff up.

I gotta go meet Randy for trick-or-treatin'.

Like hell! Nobody wants this mess!

I know this venture was doomed

from the damn first to the damn fall,

even as I forced you to pursue it.

Your job was to produce mint-condition boxes.

You didn't make no boxes!

Hell, that's all people want: boxes!

[ Eerie music plays ]

[ Ominous music plays ]

[ Thunder, lightning crash ]

All right, boys, it's costume time!

[ "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" plays ]

Colby, you're gonna be an unemployed alcoholic,

um, Kelby is a staunch gun advocate,

and Delby here gets to be objectifier of women.

Now, Shelby, I-I know you wanted to be the first baby in space,

but you're gonna just [tearfully] have to be

Ass Man,

[crying] since your daddy just can't seem

[sobbing] to come through for you.

Hey, well, we still got the popcorn balls and the piñata.

Let's let the new guy, Tolby, take the first swing, all right?

[ Squelch! ]

Oh, come on, now!

What shoddy workmanship this is.

Look at these pathetic adoption papers.

[Sinister music plays] Death certificate?

1864?

[Click] Oh, he-hey, wait,

unlock that door. And also,

how are you movin'?

[ Chuckle ]

Look at me, I'm talkin' to a doll.

I must be losin' --

Oh! Tolby, no!

The piñata's up there!

[ Engine rumbling ]

Well, the curtain closes on another sad scene

from my pathetic, goddamn life.

Who else wants to line up

and take a shot at my ass?

'Cause, apparently, it's open season!

Daddy, I thought you said we was

leavin' them dolls at the flea market.

[ Sinister music plays ]

Granny: Oh, here it comes.

I really screwed the pooch on this one.

Why are they walkin', womarn?

Well, you know how I got all them parts for 'em

out of the garden, right?

What, the squash garden?

Nah, the bone garden.

The Confederate graveyard?!

You aren't supposed to upset them bodies!

Daddy, you dig shit out of there all the time!

But I'm taking jewelry and Confederate swords.

[Blade slices] That's different.

What kind of damn doll has skeletal feet

and real, dead, human hair?

I knew there was a damn problem here!

Oh, man, them things are tryin' to flip us over!

And they touchin' the trim!

[Gunshots] Do not touch the trim!

[ Gunshots ]

Oh, my God, we gave Randy one of them dolls!

Oh, well, he's dead, by now. Let's move on.

The hell you say! Give me that wheel!

I'm gonna save my boy!

[ Engine starts, tires squeal ]

[ Rock music plays ]

You have damaged the Squash B'Gosh brand.

[ Gunshots ]

This here's a lawsuit waitin' to happen.

Somebody send out a tweet acceptin' full responsibility.

We need to get ahead of the damn narrative here.

♪♪

[Eerie music plays] [Rings doorbell]

Well, your daddy's late again. No surprise there.

[ Rings doorbell ]

Looks like he ain't home, baby. Come on.

[ Lightning crashes ]

Hey, I thought I told you to leave this nasty-ass doll

at home. [Door creaks]

Trick or treat!

Hot dog!

W-wait a minute.

Don't eat that. What is that?

Hot dog!

That's not a hot dog!

That's my finger. Don't eat it!

Y'all, please put that on ice and call the police.

Hey, that's one of them dolls your --

Wait, where's your pirate?

[ Rustling ]

Aah! Randy, run!

Get off me, you son of a bitch! Ow!

[ Gunshot ]

[ Tires squeal ]

Get in here if you wanna live, bitch!

Oh, no! Sheriff's got one of them dolls, too!

Yeah, he's trapped inside with it.

Cover us, Granny.

Come on, Rusty.

I got a plan.

[ Gunshots ]

Tolby, stop!

Please have mercy, son.

[ Thud ]

Oh, Early, thank God.

Get the dolls in the boxes!

Come on, now, don't mess up the boxes!

Open the door! Open the door!

We're rich as hell, baby!

Whoo! Put these down on the floorboard

and don't nobody break the damn cellophane.

What about the sheriff?

Aw, damn it!

There's blood on this box! Hell, it's ruined!

I'm goin' back in there to get a clean one.

[Gunshots] They're coming in hot!

[Gunshots] I don't know if I can stop 'em.

[ Gun clicks ]

Oh, no!

[ Gunshot ] Daddy!

[Triumphant music plays] Oh, thank God.

We need to lure 'em all in here,

then burn the house down.

Wait. -It's the only damn way.

There are plenty o' other ways, Early.

Too late. I done it.

[ Glass breaks ]

Get in, get in! Come on!

Squeeze in tight. Let's go!

Scoot over! Scoot over!

Early, wait!

There's no more room, Sheriff.

Kelby, Shelby, Dolby, and Colby is takin' up too much space.

We can make room. Just take the dolls out of the boxes.

Don't you dare take them out of them boxes.

They must not come out of the boxes!

[Crunch] Ow! Tolby!

Rusty, they are eatin' him!

Get rid of the dolls!

Get rid of you, whore!

These are worth money!

Come on, Randy, we'll die, if we stay with these dumbasses.

Wait, Tammi! I can protect you!

No, Shelby! -[Munching]

Colby!

Delby! Ohhh!

[ Sobbing ]

[ Birds chirping ]

[ Snarling ]

[Alarm blares] Sheriff: Uh, Halloween's over.

[Horn honks] Why aren't the stopping?

Maybe they just live forever, whether it's Halloween, or not.

-[Dolls moaning] -Hell, I don't know.

Uh, Sheriff, what were some of them other plans

you was talkin' about last night?

How about the plan where you fight

[Metal creaks] your godless abominations

at your own house, instead of draggin' 'em

into my neighborhood and wipin' out my property value?

Aw, calm down, now, Sheriff.

I found this here sailor suit,

if you're still interested. -Well, I don't know

who'd wear it, since it's the day after Halloween and --

[crying] and -- and all my

little babies

are dead.

[ Sobbing ]

Valid point, Sheriff.

I think the bubble's done burst here

on this doll craze, anyhow.

I mean, these killer dolls

gonna sour everybody on the good'uns.

[Metal creaks] Yeah, they'll all be painted

with the same brush.

[Glass shatters] And, now, we're gonna die.

[Banjo plays upbeat tune, limb stomps]

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Made in Georgia ♪ [Shimmer!]