Original subtitles

[ Static ]

[ Electronic music plays ]

♪ My dreams are all dead and buried ♪

♪ Sometimes I wish the sun would just explode ♪

♪ When God comes and calls me to his kingdom ♪

♪ I'll take all you sons of bitches when I go ♪

My turn. Hell, no.

Man, let me drive that thing!

Do not touch the trim!

[ School bell rings ]

[ Children laughing ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Children screaming ]

[ Panting ]

You can't catch me! You can't catch me!

I ain't touching you. You got a spider in your pants.

Together: Spider pants! Spider pants! Spider pants!

[ Crying ]

Rusty: Oh, come on, they just jealous of you

'cause you got them badass wigglers, and they ain't got none.

Rusty, he's gonna live his whole life like a freak, no offense.

Oh, no, I feel ya. We look pretty weird.

Look, something needs to be done about this,

and I'm doing something about it.

Early: School's the damn problem!

If he quits, then they lose the opportunity to talk mess at him.

Yeah, I suggested he quit school, too,

but Tammi wasn't having it.

Now, here's how you deal with a bully.

Jinx! Ow!

Now go fetch me a generic brand of sodey pop.

[ Groans ] But that's only

if you say something at the same time.

And technically, you're supposed to ask for a Co--

Bip! Ouch!

I said generic-brand sodey pop is what I want!

And now she's done bullying people, thanks to me.

See, you pick the weakest, most infirm person you can find,

and then you make an example out of them.

Or you could call them bullies to a Stomach Summit.

There you go. The Gastro Greeting.

That's when you put one tentacle in the bully's mouth

and the other tentacle up the bunghole.

Ohh! [ Grunting ]

And then you just keep shoving them tentacles

towards each other till they shake hands.

It's all about finding middle ground

and having an internal understanding.

Ohh! [ Grunts ]

I still [panting] want me that sodey pop, bitch.

Boy: Use your spider arms, spider pants.

Come on, get it.

Spider pants. Spider pants. Hee!

Spider pants. Spider pants.

Spider pants.

[ Gurgling ] [ Children screaming ]

A quadruple Dutch clutch with an open-air handshake component?

Ha! That ain't never been attempted.

He got expelled.

No big loss.

The boy's never gonna run his own landscaping company.

Let's get real here.

Yeah, we squids ain't never been known for our, uh, um --

Damn, uh, what's that organ that makes the mind sentences?

Uh, you know, that pink, uh, fillin' thing that's in the head

that mobilizes the -- the -- the thinking...

The brain. What's the hell's a brain?

And that's exactly why I'm getting his squid parts cut off.

-You gonna cut his wigglers off? -Are you crazy, bitch?

-To hell you say. -Ain't that gonna hurt him?

How's he gonna wiggle these in the air like he just don't care?

Oh, no, he'll always look like he does care.

Sorry, y'all, but I'm his legal guardian,

and the decision has been made.

But he's part squid, Tammi.

He's a human with squid parts.

He's a squid with human parts!

Why can't he just be who he is?

It's pretty clear he identifies as a human, Rusty.

'Cause he been raised by a woman -- a human woman.

You just give me 24 hours with Randy here,

and I'll have him actin', talkin',

and walkin' just like the squid he is.

And if he identifies as a squid,

then he gets to keep his wigglers.

That sound okay, Tammi?

No, I don't agree to that, and that's not what --

All right, we'll see you in 24 hours.

[ Engine starts ] Rusty! Early!

Bring him back here!

Test number one.

Randy, you go over there and dig them rocks out of that culvert.

No, no, no!

That was a trick question, boy! Huh?

Squids don't work,

and squids don't take orders from no damn body.

Well, what the hell's he supposed to do?

When I say work, you go on and lay down

and use my bag of mulch as your piller,

blaming your laziness on a nonexistent stomach virus.

Work at avoiding work,

and you'll never work a day in your life.

Nonexistent stomach virus.

No, no, no!

I just ordered you to take a nap,

and squids don't take orders from no damn body!

So -- So whatever you tell Randy --

He is not to do it.

What the hell did I just tell you?!

Clean out your damn ears and listen!

Okay, so, don't clean out my ears and listen?

Damn it! You were listening!

Everybody, don't get in the damn truck!

Let's don't go rob Boyd's!

Finally, no one's listening.

[ Doorbell chimes ]

Oh, what are we up to, little fella?

Just pretend he's got a gun, Boyd.

Go on, Randy.

Tell him you want the money in loud and clear tones.

Money.

[ Chuckles ] Oh, money.

Well, here ya go, little feller.

A shiny penny. [ Gunshot ]

You think he's [bleep]-ing around here, Boyd?!

All the money in the drawer!

Now! Now! Now! Okay, okay, okay.

Oh, where is he? Rocket ship!

Oh, you want you a quarter so you can go to the moon?

How's he ever gonna learn the value of a quarter

if he don't steal it from somebody who done damn earned it?

Give me that quarter! I'm going to the moon!

The hell you are.

I'm going to the damn moon before you do.

I'm the one who wants to go to the moon!

Yay! Watch out, moon mans.

Here we come, baby! Whoo!

Why did I even do this?

Y'all know I have motion sickness.

[ Retches ]

You want some grape juice, Obama?

[ Grunts ]

We all out of white, Hillary, but how about a Merlot?

Oh, hey, Al Gore.

Since you invented the Internet,

let me hit you with an instant message.

[ Farts ] Oh, too long.

The banterings need to be quick, glib,

and too hard to reply to.

[ Saxophone plays ]

[ Gasps ] It's Slick Willy. Get him!

Here's some stains for your blue dress, Bubba.

Where's your ink, boy? Why ain't you furious?

Oh, Daddy, give him a break.

Maybe just explain some current events to him

so he'll know who to be pissed off at.

[ Sighs ] Eh, sorry, son.

I just come down with a nonexistent stomach virus.

Oh, I get it. So this has become work to you?

Face it, son -- just 'cause your boy

looks like a squid and quacks like a squid

don't mean he gonna be good for the gander.

He can't steal, can't ink.

Take his little ass home.

Yeah, let his mama cut off him wigglers,

sew up his ink hole.

He ain't one of us. You're right.

'Cause if this is how squids are,

I don't want him to be one of us.

And I wish I wasn't one of us, neither.

That's fine to me.

Now, don't get the hell out of my sight right now!

[ Crickets chirping ]

Mama! Hey, baby.

You're damn lucky I didn't call the police on your ass.

I can see now why you don't want Randy to be a squid.

If you think cutting his danglers off

will make him happy and make you happy,

then I guess I'm okay with it.

It don't matter what you think, Rusty.

It ain't happening.

This surgery costs $10,000,

and insurance ain't gonna cover it

'cause nobody's ever heard of it.

Don't you worry, Tammi.

We're gonna get Randy that operation.

Hell, I'll get that money myself.

Home safe again.

My truck! It's gone!

No! Somebody took the big dog?

Oh, no, no!

It's the backup!

It's the most important thing in my life,

except for the other truck and boat!

[ Crying ]

[ Siren chirps ]

Denny, looks like we got us

a carjacking at the Cuyler place.

Denny: I'm on it.

See? That's me. Hey, that was fast.

Good police work there, detective.

My baby! You found it!

Hell, yeah, I found it.

I bought it off iwilltruckyouup.com.

Aw, hell, no! That's my vehicle.

It's my vehicle. That's my vehicle!

That's my vehicle! That's my vehicle!

It's my vehicle!

Freeze, both of y'all.

I also want to exercise

my Second Amendment right here, too.

[ Monitor beeping ]

How's my baby boy doing?

He came through like a champ.

Why don't you take a peek for yourself?

Here, I can peel back the bandages and...

[ Laughing ] Whoops, I don't know what that's about.

I thought you cut off his wigglers.

Well, they grow back, I guess. [ Chuckles ]

What do you mean you guess?

That cost us $10,000, so you better cut them off again.

I could keep cutting them off,

but they're just gonna keep growing back.

Maybe you ought to just accept this is who he is.

[ Metal clatters ]

That's my vehicle!

That's my vehicle!

Can we maybe put these guns down

and -- and -- and, like, talk this out? That's my vehicle!

We'll -- We'll resume right where we left off, but I --

That's my vehicle!

The little arms are about to give out.

You took something from me

that's a part of who I am -- my second unnecessary truck!

I bought it fair and square off the Internet from your son!

That is impossible!

I done told him not to never don't not steal

from your own kin.

That's exactly why I did do it, Daddy,

'cause I'm a squid, and I steal.

I don't take orders from nobody.

Aw, Russell,

I know you was always a good squid, son,

with traditional squid values.

Denny: Suck it, fools!

[ Screaming ] [ Gunfire ]

[ Gun clicking ]

I missed him on purpose.

I couldn't bear the thought of shooting my own damn truck!

[ Crying ]

Don't worry, Daddy, we'll get it back

fair and square -- the squid way.

You're right. We'll steal it.

Hey, can I take Randy with us?

I mean, he's half squid.

Hell, Tammi, this is how we do.

Y'all are gonna go steal a truck.

No, I do not want him involved in any way.

Early: All right, we'll see you later, then.

Rusty! Early! Bring him back here!

I got a spare key taped to the top of the glove box.

And I always leave this door...

[ Door rattles ] What?!

I always leave this door unlocked!

Denny knows this!

[ Alarm blaring ]

Step away from the vehicle!

Aah!

Hell, yeah, son! Whoo!

[ Screams ]

Ow! Ow! Ow!

All right, boy, that's what I'm talking about.

[ Engine starts ] Come on, now. Get in.

You, too, Randy. Whoo!

Ow!

[ Body thudding ] All right, that's enough.

Oh, oh, okay, Randy.

Randy, stop.

[ Thudding continues ] Damn.

If you'd have got his wigglers cut off

like you was trying to, we'd have never escaped.

Well, if we didn't get them cut off,

we wouldn't have had to steal your truck back

from Denny in the first place.

If you wouldn't have stole my truck

to get his wigglers cut off,

then we wouldn't have to get my damn truck.

Well, if you wouldn't have had two trucks in the first place,

I wouldn't have thought to steal one of them,

even though you told me not to.

Well, if you'd have done

the damn opposite of what I told you to do,

you wouldn't have damn tried to cut his damn wigglers off

and had me to steal my damn truck

to pay for the damn wiggle-ectomy.

Well, if you'd gone to college and gotten a job

and married mama and provided for us and raised me right,

I woulda had the courage to stand up to my wife

and not gotten his wigglers cut off.

Well, if you hadn't-a told me to do all them things,

then I wouldn't have had to not do them.

Well, you didn't do all them things before I was born.

'Cause you wasn't around to tell me not to do them.

Oh, yeah, you're probably right.

I guess I should have been there for you.

Oh, don't be agreeing with me.

That makes me wrong. All right, I won't.

Why didn't I not raise you not right?!

Tammi: Whoo! This was made in Georgia, baby!