Original subtitles

[ Static, radio tuning ]

[ Country music plays ]

♪ My dreams, they are all dead and buried ♪

♪ Sometimes I wish the sun would just explode ♪

♪ When God comes and calls me to his kingdom ♪

♪ I'll take all you sons of bitches when I go ♪

-My turn! -Hell no.

♪ Let her blow ♪ Hey, man, let me drive that thing! Come on!

Don't touch the trim!

No, not again! Not again! Please!

[ Grunts ]

[ Cheers and applause ] Yeah!

This North Georgia Regional Dwarf Toss was six years ago.

And now our state-of-the-art

runt-hurling pavilion sits empty.

Oh, we tried things.

We added September and November to Oktoberfest

to create a multi-syllabic monstrosity

called SeptembOktobNovemberfest.

And yet every one of our 16 motel rooms sits vacant!

Well, we did just host that 3K Fun Run last fall.

3K. You mean the KKK?

And that run wasn't fun for everyone, was it, Boyd?

Certainly not for those being chased!

What more do these tourists want?

We have the highest concentration of glory holes

per capita in the Southeast.

I motion we drill more glory holes.

What say ye all? -Oh, yeah. -All right.

It's not the lack of glory holes keeping them away!

It's this! -Oh, that?

That's about heritage, Mr. Halen, not hate.

Listen, I believe in white supremacy

just as much as the next white man,

but when it starts to affect my bottom line,

something must be done.

And something done, it shall!

Where in the hell are the Confederate-flag boogie boards?

They had them last week.

Hey, man, maybe we should ask if they got some in the back.

Yeah, I'm sure they have trouble keeping them on the shelves.

Who doesn't love the Confederate flag

and all that it stands for?

We boxin' up all the Confederate mercantile.

-What? -What the hell? -No!

Mr. Halen and the Chamber of Commerce won't allow it.

So I can't never again buy this imitation crab meat

dyed in the colors of the Confederacy? No.

What about that Johnny Reb "Whites Only Christmas"

hot-rockin' Santa-in-the-bubble globe? Unh-uh.

Can I buy this Confederate welcome mat and welcome...ball?

Granny, that's for pilates.

I don't care what religion it is.

I want it 'cause it has the flag on it.

I told you. Ain't nobody allowed

to show that flag no more in this county.

This is wrong. We got the freedom of expression.

Damn right!

We can express anything

that comes into our squishy little heads.

Like this.

I like water play in the bedroom,

but I'm ashamed to ask for it!

Man, Granny, let's -- let's not express everything out loud.

Ohh! I opened up to you,

and you embarrassed me in front of all these people.

I ain't never shopping here no more!

Except for food, clothing, and any non-flag related items.

Come on, y'all. We know where we ain't wanted.

Let's take our business down to aisle three

and shop for some marshmallows and diet sody for dinner.

[ Bell jingles ]

I wish I was in the land of cotton, Boyd.

Old times there will never be forgotten.

Look away.

Look away.

Look away.

Both: Dixie Land.

All right.

This stuff here wasn't easy to get my hands on.

You should know that.

Let's see here. We got a mini sake bottle.

A "You ain't just a-whistlin' Dixie" rape whistle.

Like a whistle's gonna stop me.

And we have a "Southern by the grace of Gord"

digital cigarette.

Who in the hell is Gord?

I don't know. This come from Korea.

I suppose he's some big deal over there.

That a muscle tee right there?

It's a onesie. For babies.

Don't matter.

I'd wear a sumbitchin' burka if it had this flag on it.

We need more people like you in EBISSE.

EBISSE?

The Esteemed Brotherhood

of the Institute of Southern Self-Esteem.

We defend the use of this flag,

and we're a million men strong.

You mean you a million and one man strong, brother!

Now give me the rape whistle, the e-cig, and the onesie.

And don't bother wrapping it, neither.

I'm wearin' this out the store.

[ Tractor puttering ]

Hey, Early. Are you planting something?

Damn right I am.

I'm planting the rebel flag

right here in the kudzu of my forefathers.

I want all the moon men from Jupiter

to be able to look down here from space

and see that the planet Earth

is still proud of its Southern heritage.

Well, a-all right, but I'm more concerned about Earthlings

who can see your new Confederate flag as far away as Woodstock.

I got freedom of speech.

The Constitution defends my Gord-given right

to say whatever dumb-ass thing I want to say.

Even if it's blatantly un-American.

Hmm. I never really thought of it that way.

All right, Denny. Cut 'er down.

Don't you dare!

Quickly, Denny! Let go of me!

No! Don't you do it, you damn blue belly!

We're real proud of that!

Yeah, we pulled that out of Kid Rock's Dumpster!

[ Metal screeches ]

Nooooo!

[ Sobbing ] No!

No! Early, it ain't personal.

Mr. Halen just wants us to hide

the fact that we're all backwards.

Well, you can tell that to EBISSE,

'cause we support this flag!

And we is 1 million and 1 man strong!

Let me guess. White men, right?

Oh, you're race-baiting me! Predominantly white, yeah.

But that's just a coincidence.

Either way, the world is about to hear from us.

Big time!

Is this the entire Esteemed Brotherhood?

Well, Renfroe's taking a whiz. We should wait on him.

Ain't no time. We 'bout to set the table for some dissent.

And I brought the tablecloth right here!

Now, everybody grab a corner,

'cause we gonna take the sumbitchin' mountain.

[ Chanting ] Take the mountain!

Together: [ Chanting ] Take the mountain!

Take the mountain! Take the mountain!

[ Weakly ] Take the mountain.

Take...the mountain.

[ All panting ]

[ Cable car whirring ]

How 'bout we take the gondola?

[ Chanting ] Take the gondola!

Take the gondola!

Yeah, the gondola was a good call.

[ Fabric tearing, crash! ]

Now, what the hell is going on here?

[ Creaking ] We're losing altitude!

-We're going down now, boys! -Terrorist attack!

Threatening our Southern way of li--

[ Crash! ]

Oh, Lord!

This is the 9/11 of the damn Confederacy!

How'd they get in the cockpit?

They must have trained in gondola simulators!

[ Scrub! Scrub! Scrub! ]

What do you think you're doing?!

Our ancestors fought and died for that flag right there!

Fought and died, huh?

Might want to look that up in the library

before you come out here shootin' your mouth off.

Well, fine! I will.

That, uh, building with the book on it.

Thank you! I never knew that.

[ Scrub! Scrub! Scrub! ]

Man: I do declare, these seafaring octopods

picks cotton with tremendous speed,

as if they'd been set ablaze.

It might delight you to know that I write this very letter

with ink from the hind glands of Bocephaleus,

my finest eight-legged beast.

Beast?

These Alabama nights have grown lonely,

but I've found comfort in the briny crevices of Buelah,

my house squid.

In between thrusts, I gaze into her unblinking, watery eye,

wondering if there's a single thought behind it.

Yes, I'm too weird to find a human mate.

I sired three oblong eggs with her,

two of which she has eaten.

In any event, no one will prove these eggs are my children

unless someone were to find this letter,

where I confess the matter quite bluntly.

Jefferson Davis,

President of the Confederate States of America.

Slaves?!

Granny, did you know about this?!

Oh, yeah. How you think we got that 40 acres and a mule?

That mule long gone. We ate him.

Mule meat is good meat.

This has all been a lie.

I've been defending this dumb-ass flag

that's a symbol of oppression of my own people!

I'd be a slave again if they'd fry up more mules.

'Course we probably shoulda used the mule to carry stuff.

Or for farmin' purposes.

I tell you what, I am done with this belt buckle,

this do-rag, and this rape whistle!

It's all going in the garbage.

[ Whistle blows ]

[ Singsong voice ] Toodle doo!

No means maybe.

You don't call a rapist w-with a rape whistle, Granny.

I knew it sounded too good to be true.

Daddy, what happened? You okay?

I've never been better.

Let's just see somebody try to tread on this!

-Ohhh. -Oh, Daddy.

Wow. You made a commitment there.

Daddy, you know that flag's a symbol of s--

Southern pride, right? Is that what you gonna say?

Uh... You better just watch this video.

And when our horses were killed,

we tried to ride the squids into battle.

But the ignorant eight-legged brutes proved womanly,

fleeing at the first sign of conflict.

They can't fight, they taste terrible,

and you can barely fire them out of a cannon.

Though we would still do so for fun.

[ Cannon booms, men cheer ]

Lies!

I tried to sign them over to the enemy at Appomattox,

but they were wise to my ruse.

I suspect that we'll be forever stuck

with these worthless eight-leggers

and all their future entitlement-draining spawn.

General Robert E. Lee.

No! Liberal media! Hollyweird!

Daddy, it's the truth.

EBISSE knows the truth!

Well, yeah, the truth is, Early,

we were pretty conflicted about a lazy,

welfare-sponging eight-legger into EBISSE.

Hey, now, we ain't all lazy welfare-spongers.

Some of us don't have a choice. Work just don't appeal to us.

Yeah, well, we let you in 'cause you had that big-ass flag.

It was a lot bigger than our flag, I'll tell you that.

Well, you about to be a million and one men minus one,

'cause I quit!

That's fine.

We can still borrow that flag, though, right?

The giant one?

[ Laughing ] Not the one on your face.

[ Laughter ]

Early: Now you need to turn my face into some design

that is more racially inclusive and harmonious.

You shoulda knowed better than to be all racist on my face.

Well, we can always cover it up.

[ Tattoo pen buzzes ] Black it out.

Like blackface. That sounds respectful.

Daddy, no. The laser removal's the way to go.

But this is cheaper.

And this ain't where it ends, neither.

'Cause we going down to Stone Mountain tonight.

Not to tarnish it or contanimize it with racist imagery,

but to blow it up,

'cause I bought $700 worth of questionable tattoos

that I don't even want no more.

Somebody's gonna pay!

Y'all are doing what, now?!

He's gonna blow up Stone Mountain.

He's got a truck full of dynamite here!

Tonight racial prejudice goes kaboom!

[ Laughs ]

Listen to me, Rusty.

Your daddy's got a short attention span.

So you just need to get him thinking about something else,

and he'll forget all about this whole thing.

Get off that phone! I-Is that a phone?

Hold on, Dad! Get off me! I know what you're doing.

You trying to get me distracted

with some damn pictures on the Internet.

And I am susceptible to it.

I'm gonna do me a search for "boobs."

Hold on, Daddy!

"Did you mean 'big bouncy books'?"

Daddy! Hell no!

-Daddy! -Damn your auto-correct, Rusty!

Daddy, look out!

[ Screams ]

♪ Made in Georgia ♪