All language subtitles for Mel Brooks and Dick Cavett Together Again 2011_English

(audience applauding)

(music playing)

(audience applauds)

(applauding, cheering)

He once called me--

Someone said, "Quick--
your impression of Dick."

And he said,
"Spectacularly gentile."

-(laughter)
-It's true.

You know what I feel?

I hate to say this
in front of him,

but I feel

somewhat like
a panther or a leopard

on an overhanging limb
of a tree.

And I feel

there's, like, a rabbit
that walks underneath...

-(laughter)
-...the tree.

Every time
I work with him,

I feel like
he's absolutely prey.

You know?
I mean, I just--

It's such a pleasure
to be with him.

I-- I'm-- I'm not
threatened at all.

You know what I mean?

(laughter)

What happened backstage--
Bob Hope?

See, I-I met Bob Hope
in the place anybody would--

Lincoln, Nebraska.

When-- when I was a little kid

and a Bob Hope one-night show
came to town, I saw it.

There was a juggler
and a dancer and a this
and a that,

and then the curtain went down
and my friend and I said,

"What a gyp.
The ad said Bob Hope
was gonna be here."

The curtain went up
for the second act,

"And now the star
of our show: Bob Hope!"

(vocalizes tune)

And he came on
with that great,
gliding walk.

And my friend said,
"Jesus, there he is."

-Brooks: Yeah.
-And it was the first time

I saw a giant star

with nothing
between us but air,

as in the old song lyric.

-But what Mel's telling you--
-Say it, say it.

Okay.

Another time
he played golf in Lincoln--

Always with the richest
Republicans in town.

-Yeah.
-You know.

And a snotty
little kid said, "Hey!"

Oh, he had on
a Hawaiian flowing shirt--

-Garish thing it was.
-Yeah.

And a kid said,
"Hey, Bob, your slip
is showing."

(audience laughs)

And Hope said,
"So is your father's."

(laughter)

Wow. That is brilliant.

It was a year
before I got it.

(laughter)

Did you know
Jack Benny at all?

I knew Jack.
I loved Jack.

He-- I was there
at Ben's truck at NBC

with George Burns
eating a tuna fish
on whole wheat

and Jack Benny was doing
a sketch somewhere.

And he passed wearing
a full Indian costume--

Full regalia with feathers
and everything--

Walking past our table.

And George Burns said,
"Hi, Jack. Working?"

(laughter)

-Cavett: Oh, that's wonderful.
-True. It's a true story.

-Oh, that is wonderful.
-"Working?"

So Jack Benny--
I mean, well, Jack was
about the sweetest guy

you could ever--
ever meet in your life.

Benny, in the elevator
after the Jack Parr Show --

and I'm a writer
and I hang around Benny
as I did around Hope.

And I got in the elevator
and so did about
six tourists.

And I promise you
in the seven floors down

one said,
"Are you really cheap?"

Another one said,
"Do you really play
the violin?"

-(Brooks sighs)
-What else?

Somebody said,
"Are you married
to Mary Livingston?"

Somebody said, "Do you really
have a man under the house

in a vault
with your money?"

And you know
he's a clean--
the nicest man

and he would nod,
"Mm-hmm."

Got down, they ran
to tell their friends

and I said,
"Does that bother you
after decades?"

And he said--
he put his hand
on my shoulder.

-Yeah.
-He said,

(mimicking)
"You know, kid..."

-(audience laughs)
-"sometimes you--

You just wanna tell 'em
to go fuck themselves."

(laughter)

(normal voice)
Oh God.

-He really say that?
-Yes!

The voi--
that voice that came out
of my radio as a kid.

-Oh my god.
-Oh boy.

-So what are you gonna say?
-So you worked the Borscht Belt

in those--when I was
a kid in Nebraska,

I used to hear about
the Borscht Belt

and I thought
it was a garment

or a bit of wearing apparel
of some sort.

Well, you know,
Jews used to leave

the hot, sweltering
summer heat

in New York City--

between the subway
and the buildings,
it was intolerable--

and they would find refuge
in the Catskills,

in these little
mountain resorts.

It was replete with, you know,
with thousands of Jews.

Everywhere you went,
there were, like, Jews

in the mountains,
you know?

-Yeah.
-And, you know,
I mean, I'm sure that

the deer would look
at each other and say,

"I've never seen
so many Jews."

(laughter)

You know, I mean...

It was amazing.
Anyway, I worked there.

I tended rowboats.

-One time...
-Yeah?

One of the actors
got sick

and he was--
they were doing a play.

Uh, the Joe Dolphin Players

at the Butler Lodge,

they were doing
a play called
Uncle Harry.

I think it was
a British play.

Anyway, the district attorney
who questions Uncle Harry

fell ill, so, you know, and I--

You know, here I am
like Buster Keaton,
just sweeping up,

you know, just hoping--

You know, looking
and hoping, you know.

And they said, "Mel,

do you think you could play
the district attorney?"

"There there, Harry.

"Don't be nervous.

Have some water
and tell it to me
in your own words."

(gasps)
"He knows the words!"

I knew the words
of everybody in the cast.

I wanted to be an actor.

"He knows the words!"
"Yeah, but he's just a kid."

"He knows the words!"
"All right."

So they made me up.

They gave me a big wig.

They gave me a beard.
They gave me a beard.

They gave me
lines and wrinkles

and they actually
put something--

A hump in my back like Igor
so I would look--

You know, just look
a little, you know, more like
a DA should look.

(laughter)

These are stupid people!

(laughter)

All right,
it comes time
for my scene,

it's like-- it's like
a skeleton on Halloween.

I'm just...
(mimics rattling)

Finally, I make
my way out on stage.

He's sitting
in a chair

"There-- I'm glad
you were early, Harry.

"There there.
I know you're nervous.

"Relax, just have
a glass of water

and tell me
in your own"-- crash!

(chuckles)

I dropped the glass,
the water.

-(laughter)
-I mean spilled!

Water, glass,
shards, everything.

Shock. Shock.
The whole--
the theater, Harry,

me-- shock.

Everything stopped
in time.

I walked down
to the footlights.

I take my hump out.

I take my wig off.
I take my beard--

I said, "I'm 14.
I've never done this."

(laughter)

-Oh God.
-That was my first
stage appearance.

I got--
I got a lot better.

That was it.
That was the Borscht--
that was the Borscht Belt.

That's as good as anything
I've ever heard.

There is this
"2,000 Year Old Man"...

-(applause)
-...CD out

and it is dangerous.

And I'm-- I don't want
to shock anyone,

but I'm publicly stating
that it is not safe

to play it on your car--

(laughter)

In your car while driving.

I had to pull over
on the LIE...

(laughter)

with tears in my eyes

laughing at Carl and Mel

-and Mel and Carl.
-It's not my fault.

It's all Carl's fault.
Carl, are you there?

Cavett:
Oh yeah, he's there.

Where--have you got
a mic near Carl?

(applause)

Carl, tell us how
it all began, because I--

It wasn't my fault at all.

-It was all his doing.
-No kidding?

He was-- really.

I had nothing
to do with it.

Reiner:
Are we interested
in the genesis

of the 2,000 year old man?

-Brooks: Yes.
-Okay.

-Cavett: At last.
-I met Mel in 1950
in the writers' room

of the Show of Shows.

This guy I had
never seen before,

-he stood up
and started--
-(laughter)

And started
to talk about

his problems
as a Jewish pirate.

(laughter)

And I'll never forget--
I'll never forget
the first line,

and this is
over 50, 60 years ago.

He said, "You know
how difficult it is

"to get cloth--
sailcloth today?

"It's $3.29 a yard.

"I can't afford
to set sail

and pillage
and rape anymore!"

(laughter)

There was a show called
We The People Speak
with Dan Seymour.

(deep voice):
We The People Speak!

(normal voice):
They recreated the news
and I heard it one Sunday.

(newscaster voice):
"Here's a man who was
actually in Stalin's toilet,

"and he heard Stalin say,

(gruffly)
'Going to blow up
the world Thursday.'"

(normal voice):
I said, "Oh, what a
good idea for a sketch."

I came and presented it
to Max Liebman and Sid.

And they thought
it was all right,
but they didn't do it

and I was so sure
it was a great idea.

Mel was sitting
just as we're sitting--

you're sitting
on a-- on a couch.

I was sitting
on his left and I said,

"Here's a man who was
actually at the scene
of the crucifixion

"2,000 years ago.

Is that not true, sir?"

And he said, "Oh boy."

-That's all he said.
-(laughter)

And I said,
"You knew Jesus?"

He says,
"Thin lad, right?
Thin lad?"

And he says,
"Wore sandals, walked around
with 12 other guys?

"They always came
into the store.

-They never bought
anything."
-(laughter)

He says,
"They asked for water.
They asked for water."

Those are
the very first words.

Well, from those--
and I remember those
very first words.

For the next 10 years,

between 1950 and 1960,

when there was
a lull in the room
or we had nothing to do,

I would just get up
and throw him some
straight lines

and he would--
he had us on the floor.

He would not only be
the 2,000 year old man,

I made him
a submarine captain.

Whatever I made him,
he became and words
came out of him.

I'll never forget one night--
at a party once I said--

There was a submarine captain
who actually walked in

and I said,
"I understand you were
a submarine captain."

"Yes."
I says, "Is it true
in the submarine forces

that when there's trouble,
the captain stays down
with the ship?"

He says, "No,
that's the regular.
The captain--

"Everybody goes down
with the ship.

The submarine captain
goes up."

-(laughter)
-The first--

Anyway, I remember that.
But what I was saying--

From 19--
from 1950 to 1960,

we did it every party
we went to.

Somebody said, "Get up and do
the 2,000 year old man."

For 10 years we did it
and this is the thinking--

Remember, it's 1950
when we did this.

Four years earlier,

the Jews were
in terrible shape
throughout the world.

They were maligned
by somebody who didn't know
how good they were

-and...
-(laughter)

And Mel was using
a middle-European accent.

And we figured that
the 2,000 year old man

was only for Jews
and non-anti-Semitic
gentiles like you, sir.

-And...
-(laughter)

We came out
to California.

Mel came to visit
one day and this is
the way it happened.

We said we cannot ever
do it but for friends.

At this party,
there were many many

what they call Class-A-
Number-One guests.

And we killed them.
Mel was never funnier.

And after-- after
the thing was over,

the first man who came up
to us was George Burns.

And he says, "Is there"--
with a cigar--

(imitating George Burns):
He says, "Is there--
is there an album on this?"

And we said, "No." He says,
"Well, put it on an album

because if you don't,
I'm going to steal it."

(laughter)

And-- and the second one
who came up

was Edward G. Robinson
who said,

(mimicking):
"Write a play about that.

"I want to do
the 1,000 year old man.

"I want to play
the 1,000 year old man
on Broadway.

Write a play about it."

And the third guy who came up

was Steve Allen,
who said to us,

"You've got to put that
on a record. You must."

Well, we said,
"No, it's not for"--

He says, "Look,"
he says, "You go into
a studio. I'll get"--

World Pacific Jazz,
he had some--
he used to record there.

And he says,
"Use the studio,
do whatever you want.

If you like it,"
he says,

"Keep it,
burn it, do anything
you want with it,

but you've gotta--
you've gotta try."

So Mel and I got
in the studio

and we--
two hours we wailed
with people,

just friends, coming.

And we cut it down
from two hours
to 47 minutes.

And we still weren't sure.

We still weren't sure
that it was for everybody.

And this is a true story.

Mel and I both had
an experience with Cary Grant.

I was working
at Universal at the time
writing movies.

And he was next door
and I handed him
one of these.

He came and I said,
"Would you like
to hear this?"

He came back
a week later and he says,

(mimicking):
"Can I have a dozen?"

(in normal voice):
I said, "A dozen?"

He said, "I'm going
to England."

I says, "You're gonna
take this to England?"

He says, "They speak
English there."

(laughter)

So I gave it to him
and he came back and he said,

"She loved it."
I said, "Who?"

-He says,
"The Queen Mother."
-(laughter)

I says, "You took this
to Buckingham Palace?"

He says, "Yes." And that's--
we talked about that.

-We said, "Listen, the biggest
shiksa in the world...
-(laughter)

...accepted this."

And from then on, we--

we-- we knew we had--
we had a hit.

What Carl doesn't tell you
is that he's relentless.

He doesn't believe
anything I tell him.
He traps me.

He makes--
he forces me

into weird--

weird convolutions of--
of lies.

"Well, do you have
a birth certificate? You know!

You're 2,000 years old.
Do you have a birth
certificate?"

-And I said,
"Well, we didn't"--
-Reiner: Sir? Sir?

-Yeah?
-Do you remember
your first girlfriend?

Who was your favorite
of all the girlfriends,
wives you've had?

Who was your favorite
of all time?

-(as 2,000 Year Old Man):
Shirley.
-(audience laughs)

What was so special
about Shirley?

Her friend Laila.

(laughter, applause)

Um...

On that...

I--I hate to bring
the subject back to me,

but when I finally--

(laughter)

When I played--
no, when I played--

When I played
their great CD set

all the way through,
I heard my own voice suddenly.

I had turned the volume up.
I was driving.

And they included some
of our Ballantine commercials.

-You're kidding.
-Yeah. Right. And...

-Mel and I, years ago...
-We were good.
We were good.

We did a Ballantine
commercial together.

Ballantine Beer was
looking for somebody--

because Carl wasn't
available I guess--

to work with Mel

as the 2,500 year old
brewmaster...

-Brooks: Yeah.
-...who sounded very much
like the 2,000 year old man.

Yeah, he sounded very much
like that guy, right.

I never had any more fun
in my life at anything.

We didn't--I don't think
we sold a bottle of beer.

No. Well, there was
a problem, because--

Well, first of all,
I just got to sit at
a table with Mel,

across from him,
and they said, "Say anything
you want to him.

"He can do anything,
as you know.

Ask anything, be hurt,
be personal-- whatever."

For the next three hours
Mel went comic mad

in a genius way that--

If that raw tape is not
preserved somewhere,

it's on a par with the burning
of the library at Alexandria...

-(laughter)
-...to put it mildly.

I remember at one point
I just suddenly said,

"I'll bet you've
never tasted this beer
that you're selling, sir."

And I said,
"Okay, taste it."

And he said,
"Okay, I'll put it
in my svizzle ," or mouth.

And I went,
"What do you think?"

And he said,

"My tongue just threw
a party for my mouth."

(laughter)

-I don't remember that one.
-Oh God.

But the problem was

the commercials
were quite funny

and they got fan mail.

But much of it said,
"We love these.

"We hope these letters
will keep them on,

-but the beer is like piss."
-Brooks: Yeah.

What are we going to do?

-Brooks: It was.
-Or words to that effect.

You remember that?

For some reason,
the beer never sold.

-Oh lord, that was--
-But it was a pleasure
to work--

Always great
to work with you on your...

I did your talk show
a couple of times and...

-Yes, you did.
-And then I did
a revival of your talk show

about a year ago or so--

-14 months.
-Oh yeah yeah.

We--that's when
Turner Classic Movies

took about nine
of the shows of my old
one-person shows mostly.

And they played Bette Davis
on Bette Davis night

and they just did
Alfred Hitchcock
a week ago.

Who, by the way--

Is this the place
to say this, I wonder?

-Sure. Say it. Say it!
-(clears throat)

During a break,
Hitchcock sitting
there quietly,

looking straight ahead,
said out of nowhere,

(mimics)
"Grace Kelly--

The most promiscuous woman
I've ever known."

-(audience laughs)
-Brooks: Is this--
is this true?

-He said that?
-You told me to say it.

-Yeah.
-Yes, he--he did.

But was it-- was it true?
I mean why did he say it?

Well, you're older than I am.
I wasn't around then.

(laughter)

I don't--I couldn't--

Well, let's remind
ourselves you can't
slander the dead--

-A thing always good
to know, legally.
-Sure you can.

-Well, you can, but--
-Sure. Who--
who gives a shit?

-Let's slander.
-(laughter)

Don't you love it
when people say,

"Oh, you said
something nasty about
someone who's departed"?

-Yeah. Yeah.
-Does dying make
you perfect?

I mean, do you have
to say something nice

-about Hitler
because he passed on?
-Right right right.

-Right, yeah.
-I never understood that.

I did a show with a bunch
of great songwriters--

Sammy Cahn,
and Alan Jay Lerner,

Howard Dietz,
Arthur Schwartz--

whichever one was
living at the time,
one of them--

and Paul Simon.

And to show I had read
a little, I said,

"I know a songwriter's
greatest gift was

"to have Frank Sinatra
record their song--

obviously the greatest
pop singer of all time."

-Yes.
-"Indubitably."
And they all nodded.

He wouldn't sing
"Springtime for Hitler."
I begged him.

(laughter)

And he eschewed
this great opportunity

of singing
"Springtime for Hitler."

-And I know
it would've been...
-He could've.

(applause)

(in Sinatra style):
♪ Springtime ♪

♪ For Hitler ♪

♪ And Germany ♪

-I mean it would've--
it would've--you know.
-(applauding)

It would've--
it would've been Heaven.

That's funny.
He sang it for me.

(laughter)

-No. No, I didn't.
-You made that up.

No, but I'll just
tell you this thing,

'cause it's interesting
but not funny.

My band was the best band
any studio ever had.

-Bobby--you had Bobby.
-This is a fact,
not an opinion.

-You had Bobby Rosengarden.
-Bobby Rosengarden, yeah.

Every singer
that came on the show

either said on camera,
not wanting to offend Doc
and his great band,

-Yeah.
-"This is the greatest band
of my career.

I wish
I could take"--

Everybody said it,
from Ella to Bob Hope
to whoever.

-But--
-Listen.

(tapping rhythmically)

-"Jungle Telegraph."
-Yeah, right.

Bobby Rosengarden
taught me that.

-That's Bobby Rosengarden.
-Wow.

I was a drummer.
I was a drummer
all my life.

You are
a hell of a drummer.

What you just did there
is not, as Jews say,
chopped-up liver.

(laughter)

-I'm sorry.
-You know what's amazing?

How can a gentile top--
I mean, how can he
come up with that?

He's an amazing gentile.

Carl backstage--
Carl Reiner--

-You know, the famous--
-Right.

--was talking
about Chico Marx.

Hanging around Groucho,
I knew that he pronounced
it "chick-oh."

You're the only one who--
you're the only one who
says "chick-oh."

-Everybody says "cheek-oh."
-Yeah, it's "chick-oh."

-It's "chick-oh," right.
-(single applause)

And it had to do with his--

There's a man
who will verify it.

There's a man who--

And he may not have been

because he was always
chasing chicks,

but Groucho said
you could apply that
if you wanted.

But I'll tell you
a story that will... shock

at least three rows
of people.

-Back up.
-(chuckles) "Back up."

Yeah. Wait till we do
Blazing Saddles
on Broadway.

-We do the--
we do the beans--
-(applause)

When we do the beans
and black coffee scene,

-back up. Okay!
-(laughter)

When the great
Tallulah Bankhead
first came to New York--

she came from the south,

her father was
Speaker of the House
of Representatives,

family high
in society and politics--

and there was a party

and Chico wanted
to meet her.

And she had just taken
New York by storm onstage

and every other way.

And a witty woman.

And they said, "Chico,
you know, you're famous
as a ladykiller."

Groucho said,
"We were at a party

"and we said, 'Chico,
this is a great lady,'

"and I emphasized
that word.

"And Chico said,
'For Christ's sake,
I can be a gentleman.

"You know that.
I'm an idiot on screen,
on stage, but'--

"'Okay.' They were
brought together.

"'Miss Bankhead, this is
my brother Chico.

"Chico, this is
Miss Tallulah Bankhead.'

"Chico said,

'I want to fuck you,
Miss Bankhead.'"

(laughter)

That was--

"And Tallulah said,

"'And so you shall,
you old-fashioned boy.'"

(laughter)

That was great.

-That's a great story.
-Isn't that wonderful?

Is there any truth in it?
It's a great story.

Yeah, it's gotta
be true, doesn't it?

-It's too good
not to be true.
-It's too good.

It belongs
in Bartlett's Quotations,

-if you ask me.
-That is such a--

(laughter)

That's such a--
Before we were
talking about--

You mentioned
promiscuousness with--

I mean that
Hitchcock mentioned
that Grace Kelly,

-you know.
-Yeah yeah.

I knew Hitchcock.

I wrote High Anxiety

and I took
a rough draft of it--

-(scattered applause)
-Please please.

-No.
-Either a lot or nothing.

(laughter)

-(cheering loudly)
-Oh, for...

Thank you, thank you.
So I went over to Universal.

I showed him--settle down,
settle down. Behave.

So anyway, Hitchcock--
I bring him the rough draft

and he--

You know, he looks through it.

And you know,
he read it, he read it,

and he read it
and he said--

He underlined one thing.

(mumbles)

Then he said, "It's good.
It's a good idea.

"Get me more drafts. Come--

Come every Friday
at, uh, 12:45."

(scattered laughter)

12:45. And then
I came back every Friday

and then, then
I really got a little,

um, unruly.

He would, like--
he had bad knees.

They hurt him.
He had arthritis

and he'd take his way
through the door--

You know, the food
was on the other side

and he'd be, like,
stuck at the door.

And one-- one time
I actually gave him

a shot in the ass.
I did.

I said, "Come on, Al.
We're hungry here."

-You know?
-(laughter)

I mean-- I mean
that's taking
a chance, you know.

He collapsed in lau--

He was just--
he was so, so delighted.

He was so delighted,
you know.

And anyway, we got to be
fairly good friends

and he took me
to dinner at Chasen's.

It's a true story.
We go to Chasen's.

He orders
a shrimp cocktail
to begin with--

I think there were six,
and they're big.

They're big shrimp, you know,

and they're filled
with cocktail sauce

and horseradish
or something.

And then-- and then after that,

there's a salad--

I don't know
what kind of salad,
just mixed lettuce

with some--
some green dressing--

Green and white. Okay.
Green and white.

And after that
a pretty large
sirloin steak,

a baked potato
cut in the middle

with chives
and sour cream...

(scattered laughter)

uh, asparagus on the side
in a narrow plate by itself.

He finished everything.

He had a parfait,

two bowls--

two bowls
of yellow ice cream

with chocolate,
with some sprinkles

and a cup of coffee.

I mean, I had
filet of sole. Enough.

(laughter)

And this is true.
This is true.

Finishes,
"Thank you, George."

-You know. (mumbling)
-(snaps)

He takes out--he takes out
a leather cigar--

Beautiful kind of
light leather--

Opens it up,
takes out a cigar,
puts it back.

Takes out from his vest
a guillotine,

a little guillotine.

Clips-- clips the cigar,

puts it
in his mouth, pauses.

Okay, never know
what you're gonna get
from this guy.

Never. Pauses.

I said,
"He's thinking of a movie.
He's thinking of an idea.

Maybe I'm in the presence
of something historic here."

He takes out the cigar
and says, "George!"

The guy, Maitre D' comes
running over again.

"Do it again."

(scattered laughter)

He--he couldn't mean--

(laughter)

He couldn't mean--

And sure enough,
five minutes later--

shrimp cocktail.

(laughter)

I mean, the salad,
the asparagus,

the steak,
the parfait,

two bowls of--
coffee.

Guillotine.
No, no, it's cut already.

And then he smoked.
He did the whole--

I don't believe it.

It was impossible.
I mean, you know, it was impo--

Nobody--you couldn't do--
you couldn't.

And he sighed--

It's a sweet sigh
of relief.

-Jesus Christ.
-(mimics sigh)

Then he lit the cigar.

He ate the--

-Now--
-This--you are
the recipients

of secret
and incredible information.

(applauding)

I think people
are leaving now

to go tell that story
to their friends.

-Alfred Hitchcock.
-Mel, I hate to ask you this--

And by the way,
he saw the movie--
just let me finish.

-Yeah.
-He just saw the movie.

I finished it.
I showed it to him.

He didn't say a word.
He got up.

He went behind me
like this.

-(laughter)
-Took an hour.

(laughter)

All right, all right,
he went--he went by me.

He went out the door
in the back at Universal.

And I'm standing there,
"Did he like it?

"Did he hate it?
Was he embarrassed?

It was dedicated to himself,
to the master of suspense."

The next day,
my office at FOX--

wooden case,

Chateau Haut-Brion,

magnums.

Six bottles
of Chateau Haut-Brion, 1961.

A priceless case of wine
with a note--

"No need to have
any anxiety.

It's a wonderful film.
Love, Hitch."

-Wow.
-Yeah.

(applauding)

Alfred Hitchcock.

This'll strike some
as insensitive, I'm sure,

but is there any truth
to the rumor

that you once said to him,

"When you get on a scale,
does a card come out saying

'Please, one at a time'?"

(laughter)

You forced me
to do that.

-That was good.
-What an amazing man, though.

That's among
the three damnedest stories
I've ever heard.

Could you clear up
something for me once?

Or now even?

-Um...
-(laughter)

-David Begelman.
-David Begelman, yeah.

What was ever resolved
about that, if anything?

I met Begelman--
I was looking at the--

I guess I must've
been looking down

and I heard a voice--
this was in New York,

near the Sherry-Netherland--
I heard a voice say,

"Hi, Mel.
Looking for change?"

I looked up and it was
David Begelman.

I hadn't worked.
My wife was pregnant.

I had just finished
The Twelve Chairs and--

(applauding)

I had gotten $50,000
to do The Producers,

write it--
to write it, direct it,

edit it, pray over it,

to do whatever publicity
an unknown can do

-with it, you know.
-Right.

Then I got another $50,000
to go to Yugoslavia--

and to shoot for 90 days
for $50,000--

to do The Twelve Chairs.

So I was...
kind of out of money

and Begelman said,

"Can you join me
for lunch?"

I said, "Yeah,
where? When?"

He said, "Now." He took me
to the Sherry-Netherland.

We went down.
I had scrambled eggs.
I had bacon.

-Yes, I had bacon.
-(laughter)

He said, "Read this."
and he shows me--
Andy Bergman--

Andrew Bergman,
who became, you know
quite a wonderful director--

an outline for a movie
called "Tex X."

-"Tex X."
-Yeah. He said,
"How do you"--

I said, "It's good,
it's good."

These people are talking
Harlem 1974 talk--

Hip talk in 1874
in the west.

I said, "I love
the juxtaposition.

I love it.
It's really good."

He said, "If you do it,

I will give you--
I will get you $100,000."

I said, "David,
I only do my own stuff.

"I have--
I have pride,

I believe in my own art.
I'll do it..."

-(laughter)
-"...immediately.
Immediately."

So I said, "Let me do it
like the Show of Shows.

Let me get a gang of writers
that I love and respect."

And I got--

The first writer I got
was Richard Pryor, because--

to be a writer.

Richard was a pal of mine.

And I said,
"I can't say the 'n' word.

"I need him.
He has to--

"He has to bless it, you know.

I need a black guy
to bless that word."

So at first I wanted
to call it "Black Bart,"

because he's black and Bart
and it's a western cliche.

And...

John Calley--
we were gonna do it at--

at Warner Brothers--
he said, "No, it sounds
like a blaxploitation."

Blaxploitation.
He said, "No good,
'Black Bart.'"

Then I waited
a couple of weeks

and I came back
to him and I said, "I want
to call it Blazing Saddles. "

He said,
"Yes! That's it."

-(applauding)
-"Great. Blazing Saddles ."

So we wrote it.
I got Richard Pryor,

Andy Bergman,
Norman Steinberg,

Alan Uger,
and we began writing.

We all had bagels and lox
for breakfast.

Pryor had Remy Martin.

(laughter)

Remy--that's--
I used to say to him,

"That's breakfast
for a Jewish boy?
Remy Martin?"

Anyway, the picture
was successful.

So I-- I asked David,
you know, to take--

"It's $100,000.
Take, you know, $10,000 out."

He wouldn't take it.
He said, "No no, you did it.

"I wanted to put
this picture together.

I wasn't your agent.
I just got you the job."

And David Begelman
wouldn't take the money.

That's what
a sweet guy he was.

Also, he finally took over
Columbia Pictures.

He became
the Chief Executive.

He ran Columbia Pictures.

And I came to his office
the first day

that he took over
Columbia Pictures

because I also
wanted to sell him
My Favorite Year,

-which I did later.
-Cavett: Yeah, yeah.

-So I went--
-(applause)

I went to his office--
this is a true story--

ceiling was
light pinkish red,

red rug
on the floor,

-red leather couch...
-(scattered laughter)

...two red
leather chairs,

a red lea--a red--

kind of deep-grained
red painted coffee table.

His desk was red.

-(laughter)
-His chair behind
the desk was red velvet.

I said, "David,

-I don't mean to pry."
-(laughter)

"How come everything
in your office is red?"

And he said,
"I gave the decorator

-carte rouge."
-(laughter)

-It's true.
-That's a wonderful story.

-That's--that's Begelman.
-I wish I'd known how badly

you wanted to meet
my buddy Fred Astaire.

Oh. Ah.

On the way home
we were in the car--

limo-- in the back
and the windows
were down in the back.

Maybe the air conditioning
didn't work-- something.

Pleasant enough.

And twice in my life
I've told famous people

the most famous things about
them that everybody knows

and they've said,
"I've never heard
that before."

-Ah.
-I don't remember
what the other one was...

-Yeah.
-...but this one was--

I said, "How did
you feel years ago

"when that famous remark
was made by Katherine Hepburn

"about you
and Ginger Rogers?

"That you gave her class

and she gave you
sex appeal?"

-And he said, "What?!"
-(laughter)

"Well, or maybe it was
the other way around.

"But you know,
you gave her class

and she gave you
sex appeal..."

-So he got--
-"...Mr. Astaire."

-He got pissed off?
-"What the hell?!

"What the hell
does that mean?

"I mean, Dick--
Jesus! I mean--

"You know, it's so--

"Ginger and I--

"And sometimes people--
(angry stammering)

It sounds like I'm a fag
or something."

(laughter)

Of course I was sorry
I thought of it.

(Brooks laughing)

-Now-- but there's more.
-That's great.

We were stopped
for a light

along Hollywood Boulevard
perhaps, somewhere--

a residential area--

and two lady tourists--

clearly
from Central Casting--

were standing by the car,
waiting for the light to go.

And they looked in
and saw both of us

and recognized both of us
just as Mr. Astaire said,

"Katherine Hepburn
is full of shit!"

(laughter)

I never--

Can you imagine trying
to convince their friends

of what they had seen
and heard?

I promise you
that story has never
been told anywhere...

-until now.
-Okay, time--

It's time for questions
if there are gonna
be questions.

-Oh yeah.
-We've been here
for awhile.

-No limits.
-Man: I love the DVD set.

This is Bill Schwartz.

Uh, Mel, when you were
performing in the Catskills,

you used to do
some impersonations
that were slightly askew.

Could you do some?

The impressions I did--

I did two kinds
of impressions--

I did some that were
real impressions

of lesser-known
well-known people.

-(laughter)
-Like... for instance,
like, like--

I used to do impressions
of George Arliss.

-Oh great.
Very commercial.
-(laughter)

(mimicking)
Sell, do you hear me?

No, never sell.

Never sell.
Buy. Always buy.

Never-- never sell,
do you hear me?

Never. Never.
That's your job.

(applauding)

(normal voice)
James Cagney.

Once I got stuck
in Cagney.

(laughter)

I just couldn't
get out of it.

(mimicking)
Oh, you dirty rat.

Mmm! Others come,
others go.

Ruthie, Ruthie,
you'll always be there. Oh.

(normal voice)
This is James Cagney
having sex.

-(moaning)
-(laughter)

Oh. Oh.

(laughing)

(mimics)
Okay, now get out.

(laughter, applause)

That's it.
Those are--

Those are
my impressions.

You owe it to yourself
if you don't know
George Arliss

-to Google him
when you get home...
-Yeah.

...to see how uncanny
that is.

-Sir.
-Mel, you are,
what now, 84?

-Close to
something like that?
-I'm closer to 61 but--

-No no, I am.
-Man #2: All right.

-I'm 84.
-In my family,
we are not so lucky.

We hit our 80s
and it is not pretty.

So I just wanna know,
what is your secret?

-Pineapple.
-Man #2: Pineapple.

-(laughter, applause)
-Pineapple.

That's all I eat
morning, noon and night.

Wake up,
for breakfast...

I have--
(clears throat)

I have an illegal immigrant
peel a pineapple.

(laughter)

Chop it up.
I eat pineapple.

At 2:30...

I go to my office

and I open a can
of pineapple.

It's already done,
with rings and everything.

Just the pineapple--
nothing else.

And at night I have...

a baked pineapple.

(laughter)

I want something
warm at night.

(laughter)

So that--that--
I hate to give it away,

-but that's my secret. Okay.
-(applause)

Mr. Cavett,
I was wondering--

I'm a big fan
of all of those DVDs

and I'm also a big fan
of Orson Welles.

And I just adore those--

I think it was
two 90-minute sessions
you did with him.

I wonder if you
have any memories
or recollections of that.

Or is it all just there,
on the...

-Captured on the DVD?
-We went to...

(German accent)
Luchow's, as it is called
in the old country,

-(normal voice)
or Luchow's restaurant
-Brooks: Yeah.

...after the first
Orson Welles show.

Luchow's on 14th Street?

-The old Luchow's?
-Yeah yeah, and you know
it's enor--

-It's Orson-Wellean
in its proportions.
-Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it looks like
the fireplace

in Citizen Kane
or something.
I mean, it's...

It's weird.
It's weird. Luchow.

Luchow's--
it's a German restaurant
with a Chinese name

in the heart
of lower Manhattan.

Yes, and he ate a meal

that was on a platter
this size.

-And it would--
-Brooks: Hitchcock.

Close. And Welles--

And it had
kartoffelknoedel

and rinderbrust
and schnitzel wiener

and every German thing
you've ever heard of...

-Ugh.
-Um...

except invasion.

(laughter)

It was an amazing
amazing meal.

Very good.
Very good.

-Yes?
-Hi, Mel, I wanted
to ask you,

I've had a few friends--
this happened more than once--

When I tell them Mel Brooks
is my favorite director

they say, "How could you?
He's racist.

He's abusive to women.
He's an anti-Semite."

And I say, "No, you idiot,
that's Mel Gibson."

(laughter)

Has that ever
happened to you?

Has anyone ever made
that mistake to your face?

Twice.

(laughter)

-Cavett: Thank you.
-Yes. Once by Mel himself.

(laughter)

-Yeah.
-Man #3: Melvin?

Yes, Melvin.

I'm quite flustered. I--

Brooks:
I don't blame ya.
I don't blame ya.

I mean, here I am--
you look fantastic.

You look better
from back there,

-but here
you still look fantastic.
-(laughter)

But, um...

Man #3:
It's like--thank you.

But, uh, maybe you could
tell us a great story
about Marty Feldman.

He would try anything.
He would do anything.
He would...

He had this kind of
Buster Keaton talent.

This--this incredible,

weird, sublime...

-mime charm,
you know, and...
-Cavett: Mm-hmm.

And he was--
he was really

a throwback
to the great artists

of the turn
of the century.

I mean his-- his grace,
his beauty--

You know, the way to hide
from Marty Feldman...

was to put your nose
against his...

and he'd never see you.

(laughter)

I loved him.

You know,
Mel's a well-read man.

You can mention authors
and classics to Mel

and he can deal with it.
And Mel brought up--

Carl brought up
Shakespeare

and Mel immediately said,
"Terrible writer."

-(audience laughs)
-And Carl said,
"But the 37 plays--

I mean, my God,
he's the greatest writ--"

"Terrible,
horrible writer.

"Awful.

"The P's look like R's.

-The A's look like G's."
-(laughter)

He remembered.

Very good.

-(coughs, laughs)
-Yeah.

-Yes? Yes, ma'am?
-Woman: Mr. Cavett,
I wondered

if there was
ever an interview

that you tried and tried
to get, but never could.

Uh, I got--
Cary Grant said
over the phone once,

(mimics)
"They'll find out
how dumb I am."

(normal voice):
And I said, "Oh, Mr. Grant,
you can only be so dumb."

-Brooks: Yeah.
-(laughter)

I don't--
I don't know that
that helped.

And then they told me
to call somebody--

Sinatra and I met
several times--

very cordial,
delightful--

but then they told me to call
some colleague of his,

(chuckles)
and I got some goon
in New Jersey.

(laughter)

(Jersey accent):
"I don't know who
the fuck you are

and I don't care,
but Frank doesn't bother
with shit like this,"

-and hung up.
-(laughter)

-You know, Don Rickles--
-I don't know who she was.

(laughter)

Don-- Don Rickles told me
a lovely story.

He said--
he begged Frank--

He said, "Frank,
I've got a date tonight,

"and if you would
just stop by my table

"and say,
'How you doing, Don?'
and let me intro-- you know.

"Introduce
the young lady to you.

"It would be Heaven.
(stammers)

Frank, you don't know
what you would do for me."

-Drops by the table.
-So he said...

-(chuckles)
-..."All right."

Frank said, "All right."
So he comes--

He finishes the show

and he comes by the table

and he says,
"Hello, Don,

"I see you have
a lovely young lady here.

"I'd love to say hello

and maybe I could buy you
a drink and be part"--

And Rickles said,
"Can't-- Can't--The fuck's
the matter with you?

Can't you see we're talking?
We're busy here!"

(laughter)

-Wow.
-Had to-- had to take it.
Right right.

-Oh God.
-You know me
and I know you.

Hi, Mel.
Yeah, it's Adam Weiss.

I worked
with you on Dracula:
Dead and Loving It.

Adam is a great
great editor.

He's really a sensation.
Adam Weiss.

-Weiss: Thank you.
-Very talented editor, really.

-(applause)
-I was wondering if
you had anything to say

about the late, great
Leslie Nielsen.

Oh, I loved him.
He was so much--

He was so sweet,
so kind.

He would do anything.
He was fun-- fun to work with.

He was so cooperative
and so smart.

You would never take him
for a Canadian.

-(laughter)
-I mean he was--

(applause)

-Man #4: Question--
-Yes, balc--

-Question in the balcony.
-Did you ever pull a gun

on Howie Morris
in Central Park?

No, I just beat him up.

-(audience laughs)
-I never pulled a gun.

But Howie Morris--

-One Howie Morris story?
-(audience chuckles)

Howie--
Howie's father dies.

He goes up to--
he says, "I paid
for everything."

The guy says,
"Another $125."

He said, "I paid
for everything."

He said, "You had
your father cremated.

The urn is $125."

Howie said, "We're gonna
scatter his ashes
in the Hudson River."

His father Hugo--
they were going
to scatter him.

So the guy said, "Well,

"do you have a container

for the loved one's ashes?"

He said, "Well, if you could
find a paper bag."

-(laughter)
-So the guy said,

"We don't--we don't
have paper bags

you know, for the
remains of the--"

He said, "Wait here."
He ran across the street.

He bought
a can of coffee.
He opened it up.

He dumped it
on the sidewalk

and he said
the grocery man came out.

He ran over
with the coffee can.

He gave it and he said,
"Put him in here."

-(audience laughs)
-So they put him in there.

He and his mother drive down
the West Side Highway.

There's no place
to throw the ashes
in the Hudson River.

There's no place.
You see, you've gotta--

You've gotta get somewhere.
So there's bushes--

They climb over
the bushes.

They climb.
They're entangled.

They get--
He gets on a rock.

Howie is wearing
a blue coat

with a belt in the back,
double-breasted.

Looks like cashmere-- wasn't.

(audience laughs)

He takes--
he takes the coffee can
with the ashes.

And he says, "Hugo, Dad,

"oh, my dear father,
I love you so much.

"Rest in peace.

"Sleep in the deep
of the Hudson River--

your beloved
Hudson River--

"And we'll love you forever.
You'll always be in our hearts.

Good luck, Dad. Good luck."
He throws the ashes.

They fly up and they go
right back in his coat.

-(laughter)
-Every bit.

It's a windy December day.

So for an hour
and a half he said,

-"Good luck, Dad.
-(laughter)

-"Sleep in..."
-(applauding)

-Oh God.
-Finally, I said,

"Howie--"
I said, "Howie, so...

"where do you think
your father's final--

"you know, what would you say

is your father's
final resting place?"

He said,
"I'll tell you this:

"every time I pass
Rand Cleaners
on 79th Street,

-I break into tears."
-(laughter, applause)

That's the ending.

The most embarrassing
moment of my life.

True. There was a show
on television...

100 years ago.

It was called
Eye Guess.

And my partner was
a young lady by the name
of Julia Meade,

and the show was hosted

by a wonderful
television host.

-His name was Bill Cullen.
Remember with the crew cut?
-Bill Cullen.

-(applause)
-He was terrific.

So I'm telling you
something

that you'd never ever be told,
but I'm gonna tell you.

So we do the show

and, you know, I'm ad-libbing
and I'm getting a few laughs.

I'm not.
And he's behind the desk.

And the show is over
and people are leaving

and Bill Cullen says,

"Oh, Mel, I can't
thank you enough."

He leaves the desk.
He says, "Mel,

I can't thank-- thank--
thank you enough."

And I figured "Oh, what?
He's doing Jerry Lewis."

-(laughter)
-"He's doing--
he's doing Jerry Lewis."

So I-- I say,
"Oh Bill."

You know. I-- you know.

And Julia Meade
is screaming,

"He had polio!
He's crippled!

He had polio!
He's crippled! Don't--"

And I'm saying...
(mimics Jerry Lewis)

(laughing)
Oh God!

-So finally...
-Oh!

...we reach
center stage together

and he hugs me.

And he hugs me
and he's crying.

He said, "No one ever
had the nerve--"

(laughter)

He says,
"It's such a relief."

I said, "Well, you know,
I had to do it for you, Bill."

-Cavett: Oh God.
-(laughter)

I didn't know
what to say.

But I thought
I'd share that with you.

-Nobody's ever heard that.
-(applauding)

Cavett:
Oh, that is too much.

This is the awful part
of a duet show...

-Yeah.
-...like this
where each person

makes a sickeningly fulsome
valentine to the other person.

-(people chuckle)
-Mine to Mel would be

that there are bit players
and that there are people
who get leading roles

and there are people
who become stars

and there are people
who become megastars

in the world of humor.

Mel is not a megastar.

He is, in fact, an exploding
supernova of humor.

(all applauding)

That's my corny speech.

I've always--

I've always loved
Dick Cavett--

-in a manly way.
-(laughter)

-He never laid
a hand on me.
-Yeah, right.

The wonderful thing
about Dick Cavett is

he's incredibly bright

and he doesn't pander

to the lowest
common denominator...

-(applauding)
-...to ever get laughs. Ever.

There was a guy
who worked--

There was a guy who worked
for me as an actor that--

A beloved guy. His name
was Andreas Voutsinas.

He played Carmen Ghia
in the first movie

with Zero Mostel
in The Producers.

And Andreas Voutsinas
would say--

I would ask his advice
and he'd say--

about talent
or something-- he'd say,

"Or you got it
or you ain't."

And I'd say,
"Andreas, you can't say--

"You can't--
we're in America.
You're Greek.

"We do not start
a sentence--you can't start
a sentence with 'or.'

"'Either you--'"

He said, "No.
Or you got it
or you ain't."

Well, folks,

-he got it. He got it.
-(applauding)

I've never done that
to another man.

-Thank you.
-(music playing)