Original subtitles

♪

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Mel Brooks!

[Cheering and applause]

BROOKS: Please, please.

When the show is over, if I'm good, then we'll do this part.

Right now, sit down. Please.

When I worked in the mountains, I would come out

and I would say, "Good evening, ladies and Jews."

[Laughter]

"I want to tell you about a girl I met the other night.

"She was thin. This girl was really skinny.

"I took her to a restaurant and the maitre d' said,

"Check your umbrella?"

That's how skinny this girl is."

This all happened in the Borscht Belt.

The Borscht Belt is a place that Jews go

when it's hot in New York City

and they want cool air for $40 a week

with ten children in their family.

[Laughter]

So they go up to the mountains and they...

they're entertained by comics, mostly Jackies.

Every comic was--there's Jackie Clark, Jackie Miles...

Jackie Mason.

Every comic--I was the only not Jackie in the mountains.

And we all had opening songs.

We all had identity songs.

Like, there was Don Appell, and he had,

♪ My name is Donny, they say I'm funny, yeah ♪

And all the Jackies had the same identity song.

♪ They call me Jackie, they say I'm wacky ♪

[Laughter]

I decided to be different.

♪ Here I am, I'm Melvin Brooks ♪

♪ I've come to stop the show ♪

♪ Just a ham who's minus looks ♪

♪ But in your hearts, I'll grow ♪

♪ I'll tell ya gags, I'll sing ya songs ♪

♪ Happy little nappy tune that roll along ♪

♪ Out of my mind, won't you be kind? ♪

♪ And please love ♪

♪ Melvin Brooks ♪

Always gotta have... [Applause]

Oh, no.

I had 3 jobs.

So I was hired to be--

number one, I was a rowboat wrangler.

"Mrs. Bloom!

"That is not Boat 100. That's Boat 10.

The other zero is a hole! Bring the boat back."

[Laughter]

The second job I had was pool tumbler

to wake up the Jews around the pool...

[Laughter]

So I would--I'd go to the pool and I'd wear a derby

and a heavy alpaca coat and two suitcases filled with rocks.

Really.

And I'd go--I'd walk out on the diving board,

and I'd say, "Business is bad."

[Laughter]

"I don't want to live!"

And I would jump into the pool, and they'd laugh

and they'd laugh,

and sometimes the gentile lifeguard would laugh.

[Laughter]

And he would be doubled up.

I'd be at the bottom of the pool, you know,

And I'd say, "Richard."

[Laughter]

He'd save me most of the time.

That's why I'm here.

Yeah, and the third--yeah.

The third job I had was busboy.

We wore--it said "Butler Lodge"

and we wore little cloth jackets.

And we ran from the kitchen to the dining room,

from the dining room to the kitchen,

the kitchen, and we were helping the waiters.

And mostly my job was the sour cream.

I had tubs of sour cream.

[Laughter]

One tub could kill 100 Jews.

Didn't mean a thing.

[Laughter]

Over 200--cholesterol over 200 is dangerous.

The average cholesterol in the mountains

was about 1,175.

[Laughter]

But that didn't kill them! That did not kill the Jews.

They could take the--heh!

They could take the cholesterol.

But what did kill them is they--

then after they ate, they would go on the porch.

Long, long porch.

And they are rocking.

And what killed the Jews was a song called

"Dancing in the Dark."

Because they would often sing the song

in the wrong key, which was very dangerous.

[Laughter]

Now, the way to sing that song is the way Crosby

made a hit record with "Dancing in the Dark."

Something like this...

♪ Dancing in the dark ♪

♪ The tune ends ♪

♪ We're waltzing in the dark ♪

♪ And it soon ends ♪

♪ We can face the music together ♪

♪ Dancing, yes, we're dancing in the dark ♪

It's a very high, rangy song.

[Laughter]

Here's how Jews start it.

[Laughter]

[High-pitched] ♪ Dancing in the dark ♪

[Laughter]

[Falsetto] ♪ Till the tune ends ♪

[Breathlessly] ♪ We're waltzing in the...dark ♪

♪ And it soon en-- ♪

♪ And we can face the music together ♪

[Screeches] ♪ Danc-- ♪

Stroke! Dead.

[Laughter and applause]

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

I'm going to take you all back to Williamsburg,

Brooklyn, where I was raised.

365 South 3rd Street.

[Applause]

I was the fourth boy of 4 boys born.

My mother had 3 boys,

and then she took a chance on having

another child, hoping and praying

that it would be a girl, that she'd have a girl.

So the doctor came over when I was born--

and he came over, he said, "Mrs. Kaminsky"--

that's our real name, Kaminsky--

Said, "Mrs. Kaminsky, here you are.

A 10-pound, beautiful, bouncing baby boy."

And my mother said, "You want him?"

[Laughter]

I mean, she had enough boys, you know.

My father died when I was two,

and my mother was really a heroine,

raising 4 little boys.

So anyway, my mother said--

never complained, except once.

Once we had a family meeting.

My mother said to us-- the front apart--

we lived on the fifth floor

and in the back-- and my mother said,

"I don't want to see any more wet wash and cats.

"I am sick and tired.

"I want to--I want to live in the front.

I want to see the world."

[Laughs] And she meant it, too.

Very sad.

She wanted to see the world.

You know, the ice man and a horse out on the street.

I don't really know what the world was.

So anyway, we had a family meeting.

We were paying $16 a month.

I was 5 years old. I remember all...

And my brother Irving said, "We can do it."

So there was Irving, Lenny, Bernie, and me:

"We can do it! We can go from $16 to $18!"

That same apartment in Williamsburg is

about $3,800 today.

[Laughter]

So anyway, we... we move to the front.

We made the move.

My mother was very happy.

And one night--this is true.

I mean, what I tell you may be stretched

for comedy's sake, but... you know,

essentially it's all true, so...

[Laughter]

My brother--one night, like I say, I'm 5.

I have to pee. Desperately, I have to pee.

My brother Bernie's in the bathroom,

so I bang on the door and I say,

"Bernie! I gotta pee! I gotta pee! I gotta pee!"

And he said, "I'm making! I'm making! I'm making!"

So... [Laughter]

I think one--I think making trumps peeing.

I'm not sure, you know.

But, anyway...

[Sighs]

Anyway, I mean, I can't reach the sink,

Bernie's in the bathroom.

Uh...

the front window is open.

[Laughter]

♪ Heaven, I'm in heaven ♪

So, in a great kind of arc,

I pee right out the window.

And I'm doing fine until I hear tumult

and consternation below.

What could be going...

I look out, and, oh, my God.

My mother and all the neighbors are sitting on the front steps,

the stoops.

And Ida says, "Kitty! It's coming from your apartment!"

Oh, my!

And I hear bum-ba-da-bum-bum,

a little rhinoceros going up to the fifth floor.

Oy, oy gevalt.

I jump under the covers, I hide.

Bernie comes with a big smile on,

out of the bathroom, "Hi, Mom!"

Bang!

[Laughter]

She beats the shit out of him.

[Laughter and applause]

Lenny loved swing.

Lenny had a zoot suit.

He loved Larry Clinton and Artie Shaw.

I used to sit on the toilet seat-- down, cover down...

[Laughter]

and watch Lenny as he dressed.

Now, Lenny spent all his money on clothes,

and he spent most of his money on a Moe Penn hat.

We had a hat store in Williamsburg, Brooklyn,

called Moe Penn.

It was on Broadway.

Lenny got a hat, and for 20 minutes he just worked,

worked the brim.

Worked the brim, worked--

I mean, I was amazed.

Sometimes he'd take it off, he'd make it again,

he'd put it on,

and he'd work the brim, work the brim.

I had great family.

Not only my brothers, but I had aunts that were fun and sweet.

And I had uncles.

Really, it sounds like an opening in the mountains.

[Laughter]

But I had an uncle that was so short,

he drove a cab,

and when he came down the street, no driver?

That was Joe.

[Laughter]

So anyway, Joe used to pick up the doormen

up and down Broadway,

at Broadway shows, and if they lived in Brooklyn,

when he went home, he took them back for nothing.

He took them back to Brooklyn.

So one night, Uncle Joe says,

"Mel, I got two tickets to a new show

at the Alvin Theatre on 52nd Street."

By the way, the Alvin Theatre

has become the Neil Simon Theatre,

and I'll tell you a story about Neil Simon

in a minute.

So...he said, "Would you like to go?"

I said, "Only yes. Only, only yes!"

So he said, "OK, come on!"

So he takes me, he says, "Get down."

I have to get down.

He said, "The flag's up. Get down."

So that means when that little flag is up,

the police assume nobody's in the cab

'cause if the flag is down, then you have

to have a passenger.

That's the law. I'm sorry.

You'll have to deal with it.

So anyway, I'm lying on the bottom of the cab,

and I can tell--I hear...

[Makes buzzing noise]

over the Williamsburg bridge.

That's the grating.

[Makes buzzing noise]

Finish there, I look.

There's the Empire State Building, 34th!

There is Chrysler,

we must be closing in on 42nd Street.

And he pulls up, and there's no problem parking.

There's 4 cars in all of New York City.

[Laughter]

He parks in front of The Alvin Theatre.

We get out, we run into the theatre,

and then we start walking.

And Uncle Joe--they gave him two seats,

but they were in the second balcony, way--

the last two seats in the second balcony.

So we get up there. And it's "Anything..."

and it's Cole Porter's "Anything Goes."

[Audience gasps]

I'm 9 years old, and I'm listening to--

just the overture is fantastic.

Ethel Merman comes out and sings "You're the Top."

♪ You're the top ♪

And we're about 3 miles away.

She's still too loud.

[Laughter]

No microphones or anything.

I'll never forget it because... 'cause I really--I said...

[Exhales]

"I'm not going into the garment center!"

It was like a Clifford Odets play, I swear to God.

"I'm not going into the garment center!

I'm going into show business!"

[Laughter and applause]

You know, and that-- all from that one show.

[Applause]

It was a dream.

It was a dream to be in show business.

Now, first things first.

I couldn't get into show business

because Hitler started a war.

[Laughter]

They send me to Fort Sill, Oklahoma.

If you get a chance, don't go there.

[Laughter]

It's cold, it's flat, there ain't much to do.

And they send me to Fort Sill, which is

"Field Artillery Replacement Training" Center.

F-A-R-T Center.

[Laughter]

So I never forgot that and used it to advantage!

[Laughter]

They transfer me from the field art--

they didn't like me in the field artillery.

I don't know.

I was too short for the field artillery,

so they put me in the combat engineers.

I guess they needed combat engineers.

And we were just defusing mines

and building Bailey bridges,

which is like an Erector Set.

You move it across the river or stream,

and you drop it on the other side,

and trucks go over it.

It's complicated.

I can't teach you combat engineering tonight!

You'll have to see me privately for that.

[Laughter]

So...one day,

we're building a Bailey bridge to ford a stream for traffic,

and on the other side of the stream,

I actually hear-- I swear to you, I hear...

♪ Ja, ja, ja, ja, ja ♪

[German-sounding gibberish]

♪ Ja, ja ♪

I said, "Gee, I can hear the Germans.

They're singing 'Ja, ja.'"

So I said, OK.

Let's teach them something good.

I pick up a bullhorn, and I point it toward them and I--

♪ Toot, Toot, Tootsie, good-bye ♪

♪ Don't cry, Tootsie, don't cry ♪

And at the end of the song,

I thought I heard, "Sehr gut."

[German-sounding gibberish]

[Laughter]

[Sighs]

But that was my service in the Army.

And I became a Corporal, yes.

Yeah, a non-commissioned officer. Yes!

There is somebody there with a doubtful face.

"You were a non-commissioned officer?"

Yes, I was!

[Laughter]

Earlier, the guy that got me to Hurleyville,

to the Butler Lodge, his name was Don Appell.

He was an actor, and he got me the job

because he thought I was cute and funny.

Up in the mountains, he got me this job,

and he also worked with Sid Caesar.

Don Appell kind of discovered--excuse me.

Oh, my God!

[Laughter] Ha ha!

Kind of-- [Laughs]--

kind of discovered Sid Caesar,

who was a saxophone player at the Avon Lodge,

and he turned out to be, you know, a comic.

So Don said--after the war, he said,

"Mel, Sid is playing at the Copacabana.

He's opening tonight, and I got some tickets."

So he took me to the Copacabana.

I saw Sid Caesar, I fell in love with the guy.

He was doing--

[Imitates clicking]-- slot machines.

He was doing everything.

He was really-- he was brilliant.

He was really funny and brilliant,

and he was doing people.

He wasn't just doing "check your umbrella" jokes,

you know?

He was wonderful.

So he hired me to be his writer permanently.

Max Liebman didn't like me.

He was, like, the producer/director

of the show,

and I would do crazy things.

If there'd be a rehearsal-- dancing rehearsal--

and I saw that shiny floor the dancers were dancing on

and they took a little break,

I'd run across that floor

and I'd slide against the wall,

I'd say, "Safe!" I loved it.

And then Max Liebman would throw a lit cigar at me

to kill me.

[Laughter]

He hated me.

We've done two years on the "Show of Shows,"

and I'm by far the best writer of them--

no, I'm kidding.

[Laughter]

But I'm doing my best.

I am contributing. I am contributing.

It's two seasons.

I get a call from a guy called Freddie Kohlmar.

He's a producer. He makes movies at Columbia Pictures.

He says, "I've heard about you,

"and I've heard you're funny,

"and I think you're the guy to write--

I'm doing 'Pal Joey,' hopefully with Sinatra."

He said, "I want you to do the script,

"and I want you to fly out here,

"and we'll give you-- you can work for 8 weeks.

We'll give you $1,000 a week."

I said, "Look around. I'm there!"

[Laughter]

I'm there, you know?

So anyway, I'm there, I'm at Columbia Pictures

and I'm writing.

They didn't get Sinatra;

he was sick or he couldn't do it at that time later.

So I'm writing, I'm writing different--

"Apple Annie."

Whatever they ask me to write, I write, I write,

I write at Columbia.

I make a good friend, my next-door neighbor--

you may have heard of him--

is a guy called Alfred Hayes, who wrote

a beautiful book called

"The Girl on The Via Flaminia,"

and--a wonderful novel,

a talented guy, and we became pals.

He was from Brooklyn, too.

And one day, we come back from lunch--

the Gower Street Studio--

and his name is not in the door,

in that little slot.

So I said, "Where's your name?"

He said, "Well, maybe it fell down, maybe."

So we looked around-- Alfred Hayes, Alfred Hayes--

we're looking,

and finally he calls down and they say,

"Uh, Mr. Hayes, we no longer need your services."

"Oh, my God. That's the way they fire you?

Oh, Jesus. This is terrible."

So it's, "Good-bye, Alfred."

"Yeah, good luck."

And that night I couldn't sleep,

and 5:30 in the morning, I get up.

I go to Columbia, I wait for the janitor.

He opens the door.

I sneak in behind him.

I go to the first floor, I take all the names out.

[Laughter]

Oh, every card I slide out. I take them all out.

I go to the third floor, run up to the third floor.

I take all the names out of there.

I take the third from the-- put it on the first.

the first, put it on the third,

the second--I change every name in Columbia Pictures.

Every single name.

[Applause]

So...so the head of the studio--

well, not the big head of the studio,

but the head of movies-- great guy,

used to be a comedy writer.

His name is Jerry Wald.

Jerry comes into my office and says,

"Mel, you were seen."

"Ohh."

Heh! "Ohh."

So the janitor's assistant, somebody.

Oy.

"Harry Cohn wants to see you."

So I go--you know, he takes me up,

Freddie Kohlmar's there waiting.

We go up to Harry Cohn. He has a red carpet.

I'm on, literally...

[Laughter]

In front of his desk is a red carpet.

And Freddie says, "Give him a break.

"I mean, he's just a... he's a fun kid.

"He likes fun.

Uh, he--please, Mr. Cohn, don't fire him."

And Harry Cohn says, "I don't want him fired.

"I don't want him fired.

I want him fuckin' killed!"

[Laughter]

"I want him killed! I want him dead!"

And he could do it.

He knew people who could do that.

[Laughter]

It was pretty scary.

Anyway, they begged him, and I went back to work.

I collected my last check.

I happily flew back to New York

and back to the "Show of Shows"

and easier, more comfortable circumstances.

Doc Simon--Neil Simon, we called him Doc.

Every time he had a joke,

he'd whisper it into Carl Reiner's ear,

and Carl would say, "Doc's got it,"

and then he would tell the joke,

and usually it was pretty damn funny.

He was a big fan of mine. He liked my comedy.

So we often had lunch together,

so one day Larry Gelbart and Doc Simon and I

were walking up 57th Street,

and 3 nuns approach us, coming down.

[Laughter]

And Neil says, "Mel, please!"

[Laughter]

Ha ha! Alrea--already, he knew. He knew.

"Please!"

And I--as soon as they got close to us, I said,

"Get out of those costumes! The sketch is out!"

[Laughter]

It just...it's terrible. Oh!

OK, I was working with a guy called Charles Strouse

and Lee Adams,

and we were doing a show on Broadway

that didn't really make it.

It wasn't so bad.

Uh, it wasn't so good. Heh heh!

[Laughter]

It was called "All American," starring Ray Bolger.

And, uh, Charles Strouse is a very good composer.

♪ Once upon a time ♪

Very good composer.

And so he said, "Come with me.

"I have to go to a Perry Como rehearsal

"because I'm doing a special song

for Anne Bancroft at the Actors Studio."

So he was playing piano for her.

I said, "Fine, I'll go with you."

And I go with him, and there onstage in a white dress

is Anne Bancroft.

And I've never seen anything like it.

She's incredible. She's beautiful.

And I yelled out, "Anne Bancroft!

I'm Mel Brooks!"

[Laughing] She says, "Who the hell are you?

What do...what do you want?"

So anyway, we started dating.

I wouldn't let her--I would end up everywhere she was.

I said, "It's kismet! It's kismet!"

She said, "You're following me!

"It's not kismet! You're following me!

There's no kismet here!"

[Laughter]

So we started going out together.

She was working, I wasn't,

so she would slip me money under the table.

You know, bills and-- so we usually ate

at a Chinese restaurant.

So one day the bill all together for the both of us

was 10 bucks, and I leave--I left 15.

I left a $5.00 tip.

Bang! She hit me. [Laughter]

"With my money, you're leaving such a...

"such a big tip?

Big shot. Ugh."

[Laughter]

Finally, with Anne, I worked hard,

and I wrote a rough draft

of a thing called "Springtime for Hitler,"

which later became "The Producers."

[Cheering and applause]

And...but nobody wanted it.

The only guy who liked it was Sidney Glazier.

He had done--he got an Oscar for the Eleanor Roosevelt

documentary, great guy.

And we took it everywhere.

We finally--we got a bite

from Lew Wasserman at Universal.

We said, "Oh, OK!"

So we see Lew Wasserman.

He says, "I like the script.

"It's funny. We want to do it.

"One little change.

If you make it, all-- we'll be on your team."

What's the change?

"Instead of Hitler, could you make it Mussolini?"

[Laughter]

"He's a much nicer guy.

It's not so--you know, it's not such a..."

I said, "Nah, you didn't get it," you know?

All right. So anyway, we make--Alfa-Betty Olsen,

who's my pal from the Village,

she becomes a kind of help--

she becomes a casting director.

She gets--she says, "Mel, I got Dustin Hoffman to play

Franz Liebkind," the crazy--

I said, "Fabulous! Dustin Hoffman!

He's so talented!"

And then Dustin--about 3 weeks later, Dustin calls me

and says, "You know, believe it or not,

"Mike Nichols wants me to fly out to California

"to audition for Benjamin,

opposite your wife in 'The Graduate.'"

I said, "Go! Go! You're a mutt. You'll never get it.

They'll look at you on film..."

[Laughter]

"There's no chance I'll lose you," you know.

[Laughter]

And, you know, he--he calls, you know.

But anyway, I took a good bounce.

I got Kenny Mars, who was a very good Nazi.

He was very good.

Um...so anyway,

"The Producers" came out, and in the "New York Times"

there was a review by Renata Adler.

You never--I don't know the names of the ones

that liked me.

[Laughter]

I swear to God.

I only know...I only know

the shitheads that have given me the worst reviews

in my life.

[Laughter and applause]

So anyway, very bad review.

And I thought,

"Well, I can always go back to television,

I'll get a job."

And then I get in the mail

"Nominated for an Academy Award" for the screenplay.

"Wow! OK. Maybe I'll stay in movies.

Who knows, you know?"

This is all good, but I said,

"No chance of winning."

Stanley Kubrick, "2001,"

that incredible movie, Original Screenplay.

Pontecorvo, "The Battle of Algiers."

I don't have a chance

of even getting near that award.

So I go to the Academy Awards

because it's a chance to wear a tuxedo.

You know, I got--I rented a very nice tuxedo.

And I went there, I had a flower--

a little red flower, and I went.

I'm sitting there--

I don't have a speech or anything

'cause I ain't gonna win.

And they...they announce my name!

I can't believe it!

So I--"Get up, go there!"

I said, "But I don't--" [Stammers]

"I don't know what to..."

[Blows raspberries, clicks teeth]

[Laughter] "Uh...OK!"

I go up.

I go up onstage, I don't have--

I don't have a speech.

And I said, "Really.

I mean, a lot of people, you know,

say they don't have a speech.

"I really don't, I really don't,

"but I'd like to-- I'll just tell you all

here at The Academy"--

and this is the speech I made--

"I'll tell you all at the Academy

"what's in my heart.

"Bu-boom, bu-boom, bu-boom! That's it."

Now ladies...ladies and Jews,

I have to pee, so I'm going to leave you.

Come back for the second act if you like the show.

[Cheering and applause]

♪

BROOKS: ♪ High anxiety ♪

[Cheering and applause]

♪ Whenever you're near ♪

♪ High anxiety ♪

♪ It's you that I fear ♪

♪ My heart's afraid to fly ♪

♪ It's crashed before ♪

♪ But then you take my hand ♪

♪ My heart starts to soar ♪

♪ Once more ♪

♪ High anxiety ♪

♪ It's always the same ♪

♪ High anxiety ♪

♪ It's you that I blame ♪

[Laughter]

♪ It's very clear to me ♪

♪ I've got to give in ♪

♪ High anxiety ♪

♪ You win ♪

Gerry Sternbach!

[Cheering and applause]

♪ My heart's afraid to fly ♪

♪ It's crashed before ♪

♪ But then you take my hand ♪

♪ My heart starts to soar ♪

♪ Once more ♪

Key change!

[Laughing] ♪ High anxiety ♪

♪ It's always the same ♪

♪ Oooh-xiety ♪

[Laughter]

♪ It's you that I blame ♪

♪ It's very clear to me ♪

♪ I've got... ♪

♪ To give in ♪ [Whip crack sound effect]

Thanks for the whip crack!

♪ High Anxiety ♪

And remember, ladies and gentlemen,

be good to your parents because on occasion,

they've been good to you.

[Laughter]

♪ You win ♪

[Cheering and applause]

Thank you. Um...

That was the title song

of a movie I made called "High Anxiety."

And...and it was--

the whole movie was built

around all the Alfred Hitchcock movies.

So when I decided to make this movie,

I called Mr. Hitchcock and I said,

"Mr. Hitchcock"--

that's what you'd say to him when you call him.

I said, "Hello, Mr. Hitchcock.

This is Mel Brooks."

"Who?" "Never mind."

And then I told him the idea,

that I wanted to do, you know,

a pastiche of all of his famous scenes

from his famous movies and have fun with it.

He said, "Sure. Come over."

So he had seen "Blazing Saddles,"

he knew that I could do funny stuff.

And I came over to Universal

and he, uh, he helped me--

actually helped me with the script.

He said, "Don't leave this out."

He, um, "The shower scene is very important,"

this, that.

And then he said, "I got a joke if you want to use it

in the movie."

I said, "All right."

[Laughter]

He's--this is Hitchcock. He's pitching jokes.

I said, "OK, well, OK, Hitch."

By now, he's Hitch.

"OK, Hitch, what's the joke?" you know.

And he says, "A guy is being chased

by a bunch of bad guys,

and he's running and running and running,

and finally he reaches the end of his rope,

he's at the end of a dock,

and the ferry is 12 feet away,

and he leaps in the air and lands

on the deck of the ferry...

but the ferry is coming in.

So, you know, I said...

And that was a great joke,

and if I had the money to do it,

I would have done it.

He was terrific.

You know, I finally finished the movie,

and I do a screening just for Hitchcock,

just for Alfred Hitchcock.

And he sees the movie. He's sitting next to me.

Every once in a while, he's doing this.

I guess he's laughing.

[Laughter] He's shaking.

When the birds were shitting on me, he was...

[Laughter]

So--and then he gets up,

and he gets up and he shuffles--

took him about a half an hour--

shuffles, to shuffle out, and he leaves.

Doesn't say he likes it.

You don't like it. What?

And I'm heartbroken.

I said, "Oh, my God,

he didn't think much of the picture."

The next day I'm at Twentieth Century Fox.

A boy arrives carrying a wooden case of wine--

Chateau Haut-Brion, 1961, priceless--

and puts it on my desk.

And there's a note on it:

"Have no anxiety about 'High Anxiety.'

It's a wonderful film. Love, Hitch."

So, I mean, it all...

[Applause]

It all--it all--it really-- it all worked out...

There's another song I'd like to do for you,

but I may not. It's...

[Laughter] I'm not sure.

It was written by John Morris,

who did the music, I did the lyrics,

for a film called "Blazing Saddles."

[Cheering and applause]

So I got--I called the William Morris office,

and they got Frankie Laine,

who had done "Mule Train" with those whip cracks,

and, I mean, the "3:10 to Yuma."

I mean, and every dopey western,

he sang his heart out in the title.

And when I gave him the thing

and he rehearsed it, he turned to me

with tears in his eyes.

He said, "I love this beautiful song."

I didn't say a word.

I said, "OK, wonderful,

thank you Frankie," you know?

And he sang it. [Laughter]

He sang it with gusto

and with all of his heart.

I'd like to do it for you now.

♪

[Woman cheers, scattered applause]

♪ He rode a blazing saddle ♪

[Whip crack]

[Laughing] ♪ He wore a shining star ♪

♪ His job to offer battle ♪

[Whip crack]

♪ To bad men near and far ♪

♪ He conquered fear, and he conquered hate ♪

♪ He turned dark night into day ♪

♪ He made his blazing saddle ♪

♪ A torch to light the way ♪

Hold it, Gerry.

[Piano playing quietly]

"He made--" Look, Frankie Laine is singing this.

"He made his blazing saddles

a torch to light the way"?

[Laughter]

And he...and he just didn't get it.

All right. OK. [Laughter]

♪

♪ When outlaws ruled the West ♪

♪ And fear filled the land ♪

♪ A cry went up for a man with guts ♪

♪ To take the West in hand ♪

♪ They needed a man who was brave and true ♪

♪ With justice for all as his aim ♪

♪ Then out of the sun rode a man with a gun ♪

♪ And Bart was his name ♪

♪ Yes, Bart was his name ♪

♪ He rode a blazing saddle ♪

[Whip crack]

[Laughing] ♪ He wore a shining star ♪

♪ His job to offer battle ♪

[Whip crack]

♪ To bad men near and far ♪

♪ He conquered fear, and he conquered hate ♪

♪ He turned dark night into day ♪

♪ He made his blazing saddle ♪

♪ A torch to light ♪

♪ The way ♪

[Applause]

[Whip crack]

Well...

I want to tell you a little story

about "Blazing Saddles."

I was looking--you know,

I think I was a--you know,

just a little too artistic.

I was looking for a real, deep actor

who had suffered alcoholism to play The Waco Kid.

So I got Gig Young, who is a great actor,

and he'd won an Academy Award

for "They Shoot Horses, Don't They?"

and was a genuine alcoholic.

[Laughter] Putz.

So I hire him,

and in the first scene, he's leaning over.

I mean, he's struggling to gain equilibrium,

he's hanging over the bed in the jailhouse.

And Cleavon Little-- God bless him.

I really love that guy.

[Applause]

So good, so sophisticated.

Richard Pryor, one of the writers who wrote...

[Applause]

the script with me said, "It's OK."

You know, I was going to quit when Warner Bros.

wouldn't hire Richard Pryor to play Black Bart,

you know, in "Blazing Saddles. "

He's the funniest guy,

but they didn't know, and they said he takes drugs.

They said no, I quit,

and he said, "No, don't quit.

I'll never get my last payment."

I said OK. [Laughter]

So I said OK.

So we looked for a guy, and we found Cleavon,

who was a stage actor,

you know, really a great actor.

And Richard said to me, "Look, I could be Cuban,

"you know?

But there's no mistaking Cleavon."

"He will scare the shit out of those rednecks." So...

[Laughter]

And that's the guy, and he was so talented

and so handsome and so sophisticated.

He was just the best actor and the best guy.

So anyway, we're doing this thing.

Cleavon comes over to Gig Young and says, uh, "Are we awake?"

And Gig Young is supposed to say, "I don't know.

Are we black?"

He's not--you know, it's the West.

I mean, he can't believe that the sheriff is black.

So...Cleavon comes over and says, "Hello. Are we awake?"

And Gig Young says, "I don't know.

Are we bla? Are we bla?"

[Laughter] I said, "All right."

I turn to my assistant director and I say,

"Look, this guy's gold.

"Look at him. Look what he's giving!

"He's giving--he's giving the alcoholic!

He's giving bla-bla!"

And then he continues, and finally...

green material spews from his mouth.

[Laughter]

It's like--it's like I'm shooting "The Exorcist" here.

[Laughter]

I said, "Well this is a little too much.

Call an ambulance in."

[Laughter]

So I called Gene Wilder, who was in New York,

and Gene said, "I'll be ha--"

And he came right out, he got right into that costume,

he tried out a couple of horses, he picked a nice one.

[Laughter] He's great.

I mean, Gene was just-- and I realized: always get,

you know, a majestic actor who could really do comedy,

because if they can do comedy, they can do anything,

and Gene was the guy.

And he did it. He saved my life.

[Applause]

The next one I got was Madeline Kahn,

and she came to audition.

[Cheering and applause]

And I said, "Lift up your skirt.

I want to see your legs." [Laughter]

And she said, "Oh, it's that kind of an audition."

[Laughter]

I said, "No, no! I'm happily married. No, it's not.

It's just "Destry Rides Again," it's Marlene Dietrich.

I mean, you got to straddle a chair." She said, "OK."

And she did, and God bless her, she was perfect.

And then later, I thought, "Why shouldn't it be one of those?"

[Laughter]

I could have gotten lucky! What a schmuck.

[Laughter]

I loved her. I miss her very much, really.

So we have a preview, the first preview

at the AVCO Embassy Theater on Wilshire.

And I had a rail built outside, where cowboys could come

and tie, and they tied up their horses.

And then, in the lobby I had cattle and they were--

they made doody all over. I mean, it was terrible.

So it was really good. It was really--the movie worked.

And then the guy running Warner Bros. at the time,

you know, who shall be nameless--Ted Ashley.

[Laughter]

He grabs me by the collar.

He throws me into the manager's office.

He gives me a legal pad and a pencil.

He says, "Write!" So I said, "All right."

"No farting!" I said, "OK, farting out."

[Laughter]

"No punching an old lady!" "No punching an old lady."

[Laughter]

"No punching a horse!" "Oh, no, no!

No punching a horse. No punching a horse."

And he went--he gave me about 22 notes and I'm writing.

"Yes, sir. No, it's out, it's out, it's out."

I would have had, like, a 13-minute movie if I do.

[Laughter]

It's so crazy. So anyway, he leaves.

I crumple everything up. Calley's with me there.

Crumple everything up, I throw it in the wastepaper basket.

Calley says, "Good filing." Heh!

[Laughter]

So my first year, "Blazing Saddles" hits it, and it's big.

That summer it goes all over and it's a really--it's a big hit.

So I buy my mother an apartment in Florida,

and I say, "Well, where did you go?"

She said, "We went to Hallandale,

"Hollywood, near The Diplomat.

"We got a wonderful two-bedroom apartment

in a new building called The Presidential."

I said, "Wait a minute. The Presidential what?"

"It can't be just a--you know, it's got to modify something.

It's an adjective. Can't just be The Presidential."

She said, "That's it. That's what it is.

"It's just The Presidential.

It's over the doorway. It says The Pres--"

I said, "It can't be." Then I go down to Florida.

I figure it's The Presidential Arms, The Presidential Suites,

The Presidential Apartments. I go down.

There it is-- "The Presidential." Just that.

All right. That's good enough for the Jews, it's good enough for me.

[Laughter]

So I go up to the apartment. I like the apartment a lot.

There on the TV set-- all my awards:

the Oscar, the Emmy, the Tony.

They're all there, got a hundred awards.

And I find out my mother at 4:00 every day is serving

tea and cookies, and it's a tour for the building...

[Laughter] to see--ha!--

to see the awards.

[Laughter]

Anyway, my mother wants to eat at a Chinese restaurant

in Miami Beach.

Sadie is living there with Mom, and I love Sadie.

Sadie and Mom are there, and they're in the back of the car.

I hire a Lincoln.

I'm in the Lincoln, I'm driving the Lincoln,

and they're chatting in the back, and this is all good.

And then Sadie says to my mother--I'll never forget--

"Remember when you--when Irving was 3, and you gave him

that haircut from the bowl, how crazy he looked?"

And my mother laughs and Sadie laughs.

Now the laughter gets out of hand and they get a little hysterical.

They're in the back of the Lincoln and they fall off the...seat.

They're in the well of the car, still laughing.

They never stopped laughing.

They're falling all over each other, laughing.

I'm on a causeway!

I can't get--there's nowhere to park!

Nowhere to--it's just two lanes with rails and water!

[Laughter]

It's 3 miles!

And they're just--"I'll never live through this."

Finally, we get to the other side.

[Sighs]

I pick them up. I straighten them out.

[Laughter]

I open the door and lead them out, get them into the Chinese restaurant.

I come back to the car to lock up.

There's another car right next to me,

also a Lincoln Town Car, you know?

So the chauffeur gets out of that car, he says,

"Who you got?" I said, "What do you mean?"

[Laughter]

He says, "Well, who--who you got? Who are you driving?"

I said, "Oh, uh, Mel Brooks."

He says, "Is he a good tipper?" I said, "The best!"

[Laughter and applause]

Second year I was doing the "Show of Shows,"

and I met this guy Ronny Graham,

and I had written a sketch that he saw in a show Off-Broadway.

And when the show closed, he said, "Will you take that sketch,

put it into New Faces?" I said, "Sure."

So they put this sketch

into "New Faces of 1952."

Well, anyway, my sketch,

which closed the first act, was very simple.

It was a satire of "Death of a Salesman."

And actually, I got a note from Arthur Miller,

who saw it and said, "Not bad.

Try your hand at something bigger," you know?

[Laughter]

Very--very nice.

Every once in a while, Ronny and I would strike gold

and we'd write a really good--

what I considered a really good song.

And we wrote one, but we could never find...

we could never find the right musical to put it in,

but it was a wonderful song.

And I'm going to take a chance and sing it for you tonight.

♪

Ronny and I wrote this.

♪ An officer of France am I, my rank is Generale ♪

♪ And if you ask me how I feel ♪

♪ I'll tell you I feel "mal" ♪

[Laughter]

Mal de tete? No.

Mal de mer? No.

Mal de what? Mal de guerre.

♪ I'm sick of war for many reasons ♪

♪ 3 of them will do ♪

♪ It's 1815, I am French ♪

♪ And this is Waterloo ♪

[Laughter]

♪ To arms, soldiers of France ♪

♪ Lift up your lance, pick up your pants ♪

♪ The battle's begun ♪

♪ To arms, heroes of Gaul ♪

♪ Come on, don't stall, get on the ball ♪

♪ The battle's begun ♪

♪ The enemy's advancing with murder in his eye ♪

♪ Our way I think he's glancing, for us ♪

♪ It's do or die! ♪

I don't mind the "do" part at all.

[Laughter]

Listen, folks, I have-- I have an idea,

a way of getting around the problem.

Listen to this:

♪

♪ Retreat, retreat ♪

♪ Drop your sword and run ♪

♪ Our foe is near, the choice is clear ♪

♪ Get outta here, hooray for fear, we're done ♪

♪ Run away, run away ♪

♪ If you run away, you'll live to run away another day ♪

[Laughter] ♪ Retreat, retreat! ♪

♪ Give your feet a chance ♪

♪ I got big news, all o'youse ♪

♪ Gonna lose, move your shoes toward France ♪

♪ It's defeat! This is eet! ♪

♪ Retreat ♪

[Cheering and applause]

We're right in the middle.

[Laughter]

♪ Show me a man with deep red blood in his veins ♪

♪ If he got brains, he'll keep that blood in his veins ♪

♪ Show me a man who doesn't know the meaning of fear ♪

♪ Show me a horse, I'll disappear ♪

♪ Show me a man who scorns the coward in flight ♪

♪ Show me a man who loves the smell of a fight ♪

♪ Show me a man who loves the feel of steel in his gut ♪

♪ Show me that man, I'll show you a nut ♪

[Laughter]

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Oh, what am I saying? What am I doing?

Shame, shame, shame on me.

♪ How can I forget ♪

♪ My La Belle France? ♪

♪ Ahhh-ah, ahhh-ah ♪

[Laughter]

♪ Both my eyes get wet for La Belle France ♪

♪ Ahhh-ah, ahhh-ah ♪

[Laughter]

♪ Children playing hide and seek beside the river Seine ♪

♪ Ahhh-ah, ahhh-ah ♪

♪ Dentists pulling out French teeth with very little pain ♪

♪ Ahhh-ah-- ♪ All right with the ahhs! Enough for now.

Just play the piano. [Laughter]

♪ Every night I dream ♪

♪ Of La Belle Fran--France ♪

♪ Take my last centieme but don't take Fran-- France ♪

♪ I would beg and I would cry for her ♪

♪ I would cheat and I would lie for her ♪

I'll tell ya the truth. I'm not gonna die for her. [Laughter]

♪ For La Belle France ♪

Here they come. They're breaking through.

What'll we do? What'll we do?

I got a dandy idea. Let's go back to the top of the first chorus!

♪ Retreat, retreat ♪

♪ Give your feet a chance ♪

♪ I got big news for all o'youse ♪

♪ Gonna lose, move your shoes toward France ♪

♪ Face defeat! Be discreet! ♪

♪ This is eet! Time to queet! ♪

♪ Backward, vite! ♪

♪ And retreat! ♪

[Music ends]

BROOKS: Now we got to find a show to put it in.

[Woman cheers]

Thanks for that scream.

[Laughter]

Gerry, that was wonderful, even the ahhhs.

I really enjoyed it. Now get out!

[Laughter and applause]

Thank you, thank you. Gerry Sternbach!

Every show I do,

usually I do it with some other person,

but this is flying blind, this is crazy.

But usually, uh,

I usually have the audience... ask me questions.

But before I do, I'd like to acknowledge the fact

that an old, talented Jew

is sitting right off my right hand here.

Carl Reiner, folks! [Cheers and applause]

It just occurred to me.

You do something that I don't think anybody else in the world can do.

We had a sketch once on the "Show of Shows"

where Sid comes into a room and wants to be quiet.

He's going to burgle it or something.

BROOKS: Yeah. And he steps on a cat.

"Dial M for Money!" Wait, wait.

I remember the sketch. And he steps on a cat,

and we tried every--

there's no recording of a cat, a cat noise.

The only person in the whole world

that can do a cat noise is the man standing there!

[Laughter] The Mel Brooks!

Now, sir, for this audience, would you do us the cat noise?

I'll tell you what happened.

I never appeared on the "Show of Shows."

I knew that between Carl and Sid and Imogene

and Howie Morris that, I mean, the talent was there.

I mean, I wasn't going to try and get into the sketches and do my act.

So I was very happy that we had such great talent,

so I never pushed to be in the show.

Now, the sound man who heard me make my cat sound said to me,

"In the middle of the sketch, they want a cat sound and, you know, I can't do it.

Could you do it?" So here I am,

performing on a microphone,

the "Show of Shows."

A million people are going to hear me.

I'm very nervous.

So Sid is supposed to back up in this room at night,

and he's supposed to, at one point, step on a cat's tail,

and the cat's supposed to yowl, make a true cat sound.

So Sid starts backing up

and he gets to the cat's tail, and I go...

[Makes hissing noise] "Oh, no, it's not--"

I'm nervous, I'm dry, and he keeps backing up.

[Makes hissing, slurping noise] I can't.

I mean, I'm failing. I can't, I can't.

And finally, like, he's almost out of the room. I go [loud cat screech]

There you go. Saved! Thanks Carl.

One more! Yeah, yeah.

[Makes loud cat screech]

I do the best cat sound.

Question. Yes?

What was the greatest, most satisfying achievement of your career?

I think marrying Anne Bancroft was my...

[Applause] It was really, honestly...

I mean, I...we had a great marriage,

and that was my greatest accomplishment.

Right. Thanks for the question. Questions? Questions?

Uh, you once talked

about Sid Caesar in terms of his strength.

Can you talk about that a little bit more,

that he was a very powerful man?

But we went to Chicago once, and Sid was really powerful

and he was smoking cigars and he was drinking a lot of vodka.

He was appearing at The Palmer House,

The Empire Room at The Palmer House.

He was very good, but he wanted quicker,

better jokes, so-- and we were working.

It was after the show.

See, we quit the show at 12:00,

it was 3:00 in the morning.

Cigar smoke and, uh, I said, "I need air!

Sid, I need air!" Sid goes to the window.

It was probably shut for 12 years.

You don't open the hotel windows.

Nobody can. Boom! Window open.

[Laughter]

Grabs me by the belt, by the scruff,

holds me above Michigan Avenue.

[Laughter]

I see taxis underneath me.

And he says, "Got enough air?"

I said, "Oh, yeah! Blah, blah."

[Laughter] "I'm fine! I'm fine."

Yes, sir?

Have you ever been arrested?

[Laughter]

That's a plant.

[Laughter]

I was about 8 years old...

[Laughter]

and I was in the Woolworth with my friends.

And we used to--you know, every once in a while,

we'd take the liberty of taking a yo-yo

and sticking it in our pocket and, you know, we would--

you know, I think it's called stealing.

[Laughter]

We said it was "taking," you know?

Anyway, I saw a Roy Rogers pistol

with a pearl handle and, you know, toy pistol, was so beautiful.

I couldn't resist it. I could not resist it.

Now, you don't steal a Roy Rogers pistol

because it's too unga-- you can't, there's no way to--you can't get it.

But anyway, I threw my coat over it and I shoved it around

and I started, and just before I got to the door,

my shoulders-- the store manager saw me,

grabbed me, and he was-- he said, "I'm sick and tired of you kids stealing.

"I'm going to call the police and call your parents

"and you're going to go to jail and we've had it

and you're going to come to my office!"

And on the way to the office, I pulled out the gun,

I said, "Get back, you son of a bitch! I'll blow your head off!"

[Laughter]

And he jumped back and I ran out.

I still have the gun.

Thanks for that question.

Questions!

MAN: Up here!

Where? Up here!

OK. Say it!

Did Annie encourage you to write songs?

I was going to get somebody to do,

you know, for the title of "The Twelve Chairs."

And Anne said, "No, no. You're a songwriter.

Go up to the attic and don't come down

till you have a version of the title song

for "The Twelve Chairs."

So I went up to the attic,

walked around for a while-- I'm sure she could hear me--

and then I got an idea and I sat down.

And 3 or 4 hours later, I came down

with "Hope For The Best, Expect The Worst."

And I'm going to close this show

singing that song to you.

[Applause]

Gerry, come back! All is forgiven!

You're not going to do yaa-yaas in this one, are you?

No.

OK, here we go. "Hope For The Best."

♪

♪ Hope for the best ♪

♪ Expect the worst ♪

♪ Some drink champagne, some die of thirst ♪

♪ No way of knowing which way it's going ♪

♪ Hope for the best, expect the worst ♪

♪ Hope for the best ♪

♪ Expect the worst ♪

♪ The world's a stage, we're unrehearsed ♪

♪ Some reach the top, folks, while others flop, folks ♪

♪ Hope for the best, expect the worst ♪

♪ I knew a man who saved a fortune that was splendid ♪

♪ Then he died the day he'd planned to go and spend it ♪

♪ Shouting, "Live while you're alive! No one will survive!" ♪

♪ Life is funny, save your worries ♪

♪ Spend your money, live while you're alive ♪

♪ No one will survive ♪

♪ There's no guarantee ♪

♪ Hope for the best ♪

♪ Expect the worst ♪

♪ You could be Tolstoy or Fannie Hurst ♪

♪ So take your chances, there are no answers ♪

♪ Hope for the best, expect the worst ♪

Break!

Gerry Sternbach, ladies and gentlemen!

[Audience clapping along]

♪ I knew a man who saved a fortune that was splendid ♪

♪ Then he died the day he'd planned to go and spend it ♪

♪ Shouting, "Live while you're alive! No one will survive!" ♪

♪ Life is sorrow, here today, [clicks teeth] tomorrow ♪

♪ Live while you're alive, no one will survive ♪

♪ There's no guarantee ♪

Everybody! I'm kidding.

♪ Hope for the best ♪

♪ Expect the worst ♪

♪ The rich are blessed, the poor are cursed ♪

♪ That is a fact, friends ♪

♪ The deck is stacked, friends ♪

♪ Hope for the best, expect...the worst ♪

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks...

MALE CHORUS: ♪ Hope for the best ♪

♪ Expect the worst ♪

♪ The rich are blessed, the poor are cursed ♪

♪ That is a fact, friends ♪

♪ The deck is stacked, friends ♪

♪ Hope for the best, expect the ♪

MAN: ♪ Even with a good beginning ♪

♪ It's not certain that you're winning ♪

CHORUS: ♪ Even with the best of chances ♪

♪ They can kick you in the pantses ♪

♪ Look out for the ♪

♪ Watch out for the worst ♪

Hey!

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