All language subtitles for Mel Brooks Live At The Geffen 2015.eng

♪

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Mel Brooks!

[Cheering and applause]

BROOKS: Please, please.

When the show is over, if I'm
good, then we'll do this part.

Right now, sit down. Please.

When I worked in
the mountains, I would come out

and I would say,
"Good evening, ladies and Jews."

[Laughter]

"I want to tell you about
a girl I met the other night.

"She was thin.
This girl was really skinny.

"I took her to a restaurant
and the maitre d' said,

"Check your umbrella?"

That's how skinny this girl is."

This all happened
in the Borscht Belt.

The Borscht Belt is
a place that Jews go

when it's hot in New York City

and they want cool air
for $40 a week

with ten children
in their family.

[Laughter]

So they go up
to the mountains and they...

they're entertained
by comics, mostly Jackies.

Every comic was--there's
Jackie Clark, Jackie Miles...

Jackie Mason.

Every comic--I was the only
not Jackie in the mountains.

And we all had
opening songs.

We all had identity songs.

Like, there was
Don Appell, and he had,

♪ My name is Donny,
they say I'm funny, yeah ♪

And all the Jackies had
the same identity song.

♪ They call me Jackie,
they say I'm wacky ♪

[Laughter]

I decided to be different.

♪ Here I am, I'm Melvin Brooks ♪

♪ I've come to stop the show ♪

♪ Just a ham
who's minus looks ♪

♪ But in your hearts,
I'll grow ♪

♪ I'll tell ya gags,
I'll sing ya songs ♪

♪ Happy little nappy tune
that roll along ♪

♪ Out of my mind,
won't you be kind? ♪

♪ And please love ♪

♪ Melvin Brooks ♪

Always gotta have...
[Applause]

Oh, no.

I had 3 jobs.

So I was hired to be--

number one, I was
a rowboat wrangler.

"Mrs. Bloom!

"That is not Boat 100.
That's Boat 10.

The other zero is a hole!
Bring the boat back."

[Laughter]

The second job I had
was pool tumbler

to wake up the Jews
around the pool...

[Laughter]

So I would--I'd go to
the pool and I'd wear a derby

and a heavy alpaca coat and two
suitcases filled with rocks.

Really.

And I'd go--I'd walk out
on the diving board,

and I'd say, "Business is bad."

[Laughter]

"I don't want to live!"

And I would jump into the pool,
and they'd laugh

and they'd laugh,

and sometimes the gentile
lifeguard would laugh.

[Laughter]

And he would be doubled up.

I'd be at the bottom
of the pool, you know,

And I'd say, "Richard."

[Laughter]

He'd save me most of
the time.

That's why I'm here.

Yeah, and the third--yeah.

The third job I had
was busboy.

We wore--it said
"Butler Lodge"

and we wore
little cloth jackets.

And we ran from the kitchen
to the dining room,

from the dining room
to the kitchen,

the kitchen, and we
were helping the waiters.

And mostly my job
was the sour cream.

I had tubs of sour cream.

[Laughter]

One tub could kill 100 Jews.

Didn't mean a thing.

[Laughter]

Over 200--cholesterol
over 200 is dangerous.

The average cholesterol
in the mountains

was about 1,175.

[Laughter]

But that didn't kill them!
That did not kill the Jews.

They could take the--heh!

They could take
the cholesterol.

But what did kill them
is they--

then after they ate,
they would go on the porch.

Long, long porch.

And they are rocking.

And what killed the Jews
was a song called

"Dancing in the Dark."

Because they would
often sing the song

in the wrong key,
which was very dangerous.

[Laughter]

Now, the way to sing that
song is the way Crosby

made a hit record
with "Dancing in the Dark."

Something like this...

♪ Dancing in the dark ♪

♪ The tune ends ♪

♪ We're waltzing
in the dark ♪

♪ And it soon ends ♪

♪ We can face
the music together ♪

♪ Dancing, yes,
we're dancing in the dark ♪

It's a very high,
rangy song.

[Laughter]

Here's how Jews start it.

[Laughter]

[High-pitched]
♪ Dancing in the dark ♪

[Laughter]

[Falsetto]
♪ Till the tune ends ♪

[Breathlessly]
♪ We're waltzing in the...dark ♪

♪ And it soon en-- ♪

♪ And we can face
the music together ♪

[Screeches]
♪ Danc-- ♪

Stroke! Dead.

[Laughter and applause]

But I'm getting ahead
of myself.

I'm going to take you
all back to Williamsburg,

Brooklyn,
where I was raised.

365 South 3rd Street.

[Applause]

I was the fourth boy
of 4 boys born.

My mother had 3 boys,

and then she took
a chance on having

another child,
hoping and praying

that it would be a girl,
that she'd have a girl.

So the doctor came over
when I was born--

and he came over, he said,
"Mrs. Kaminsky"--

that's our real name,
Kaminsky--

Said, "Mrs. Kaminsky,
here you are.

A 10-pound, beautiful,
bouncing baby boy."

And my mother said,
"You want him?"

[Laughter]

I mean, she had
enough boys, you know.

My father died
when I was two,

and my mother was
really a heroine,

raising 4 little boys.

So anyway, my mother said--

never complained,
except once.

Once we had
a family meeting.

My mother said to us--
the front apart--

we lived on the fifth floor

and in the back--
and my mother said,

"I don't want to see
any more wet wash and cats.

"I am sick and tired.

"I want to--I want to
live in the front.

I want to see the world."

[Laughs]
And she meant it, too.

Very sad.

She wanted to see the world.

You know, the ice man
and a horse out on the street.

I don't really know
what the world was.

So anyway, we had
a family meeting.

We were paying $16 a month.

I was 5 years old.
I remember all...

And my brother Irving said,
"We can do it."

So there was Irving,
Lenny, Bernie, and me:

"We can do it! We can
go from $16 to $18!"

That same apartment
in Williamsburg is

about $3,800 today.

[Laughter]

So anyway, we...
we move to the front.

We made the move.

My mother was very happy.

And one night--this is true.

I mean, what I tell
you may be stretched

for comedy's sake, but...
you know,

essentially
it's all true, so...

[Laughter]

My brother--one night,
like I say, I'm 5.

I have to pee.
Desperately, I have to pee.

My brother Bernie's
in the bathroom,

so I bang on the door
and I say,

"Bernie! I gotta pee!
I gotta pee! I gotta pee!"

And he said, "I'm making!
I'm making! I'm making!"

So...
[Laughter]

I think one--I think
making trumps peeing.

I'm not sure, you know.

But, anyway...

[Sighs]

Anyway, I mean,
I can't reach the sink,

Bernie's in the bathroom.

Uh...

the front window is open.

[Laughter]

♪ Heaven, I'm in heaven ♪

So, in a great kind of arc,

I pee right out the window.

And I'm doing fine
until I hear tumult

and consternation below.

What could be going...

I look out, and, oh, my God.

My mother and all the neighbors
are sitting on the front steps,

the stoops.

And Ida says, "Kitty! It's
coming from your apartment!"

Oh, my!

And I hear
bum-ba-da-bum-bum,

a little rhinoceros going
up to the fifth floor.

Oy, oy gevalt.

I jump under the covers,
I hide.

Bernie comes with
a big smile on,

out of the bathroom,
"Hi, Mom!"

Bang!

[Laughter]

She beats the shit
out of him.

[Laughter and applause]

Lenny loved swing.

Lenny had a zoot suit.

He loved Larry Clinton
and Artie Shaw.

I used to sit
on the toilet seat-- down, cover down...

[Laughter]

and watch Lenny
as he dressed.

Now, Lenny spent
all his money on clothes,

and he spent most of his
money on a Moe Penn hat.

We had a hat store in
Williamsburg, Brooklyn,

called Moe Penn.

It was on Broadway.

Lenny got a hat, and for
20 minutes he just worked,

worked the brim.

Worked the brim, worked--

I mean, I was amazed.

Sometimes he'd take it off,
he'd make it again,

he'd put it on,

and he'd work the brim,
work the brim.

I had great family.

Not only my brothers, but I had
aunts that were fun and sweet.

And I had uncles.

Really, it sounds like
an opening in the mountains.

[Laughter]

But I had an uncle
that was so short,

he drove a cab,

and when he came down
the street, no driver?

That was Joe.

[Laughter]

So anyway, Joe used
to pick up the doormen

up and down Broadway,

at Broadway shows, and if
they lived in Brooklyn,

when he went home, he
took them back for nothing.

He took them back
to Brooklyn.

So one night,
Uncle Joe says,

"Mel, I got two tickets
to a new show

at the Alvin Theatre
on 52nd Street."

By the way,
the Alvin Theatre

has become
the Neil Simon Theatre,

and I'll tell you a story
about Neil Simon

in a minute.

So...he said,
"Would you like to go?"

I said, "Only yes.
Only, only yes!"

So he said, "OK, come on!"

So he takes me,
he says, "Get down."

I have to get down.

He said,
"The flag's up. Get down."

So that means
when that little flag is up,

the police assume
nobody's in the cab

'cause if the flag is down,
then you have

to have a passenger.

That's the law. I'm sorry.

You'll have to deal with it.

So anyway, I'm lying
on the bottom of the cab,

and I can tell--I hear...

[Makes buzzing noise]

over the Williamsburg
bridge.

That's the grating.

[Makes buzzing noise]

Finish there, I look.

There's the Empire State
Building, 34th!

There is Chrysler,

we must be closing in
on 42nd Street.

And he pulls up, and
there's no problem parking.

There's 4 cars
in all of New York City.

[Laughter]

He parks in front
of The Alvin Theatre.

We get out,
we run into the theatre,

and then we start walking.

And Uncle Joe--they gave
him two seats,

but they were in
the second balcony, way--

the last two seats
in the second balcony.

So we get up there.
And it's "Anything..."

and it's Cole Porter's
"Anything Goes."

[Audience gasps]

I'm 9 years old,
and I'm listening to--

just the overture
is fantastic.

Ethel Merman comes out
and sings "You're the Top."

♪ You're the top ♪

And we're
about 3 miles away.

She's still too loud.

[Laughter]

No microphones or anything.

I'll never forget it because...
'cause I really--I said...

[Exhales]

"I'm not going
into the garment center!"

It was like a Clifford Odets
play, I swear to God.

"I'm not going into
the garment center!

I'm going
into show business!"

[Laughter and applause]

You know, and that--
all from that one show.

[Applause]

It was a dream.

It was a dream
to be in show business.

Now, first things first.

I couldn't get
into show business

because Hitler started
a war.

[Laughter]

They send me
to Fort Sill, Oklahoma.

If you get a chance,
don't go there.

[Laughter]

It's cold, it's flat,
there ain't much to do.

And they send me
to Fort Sill, which is

"Field Artillery Replacement
Training" Center.

F-A-R-T Center.

[Laughter]

So I never forgot that
and used it to advantage!

[Laughter]

They transfer me
from the field art--

they didn't like me
in the field artillery.

I don't know.

I was too short
for the field artillery,

so they put me in
the combat engineers.

I guess they needed
combat engineers.

And we were just
defusing mines

and building Bailey bridges,

which is like
an Erector Set.

You move it across
the river or stream,

and you drop it on
the other side,

and trucks go over it.

It's complicated.

I can't teach you
combat engineering tonight!

You'll have to see me
privately for that.

[Laughter]

So...one day,

we're building a Bailey bridge
to ford a stream for traffic,

and on the other side
of the stream,

I actually hear--
I swear to you, I hear...

♪ Ja, ja, ja, ja, ja ♪

[German-sounding gibberish]

♪ Ja, ja ♪

I said, "Gee, I can hear
the Germans.

They're singing 'Ja, ja.'"

So I said, OK.

Let's teach them
something good.

I pick up a bullhorn, and I
point it toward them and I--

♪ Toot, Toot,
Tootsie, good-bye ♪

♪ Don't cry, Tootsie,
don't cry ♪

And at the end of the song,

I thought I heard,
"Sehr gut."

[German-sounding gibberish]

[Laughter]

[Sighs]

But that was my service
in the Army.

And I became
a Corporal, yes.

Yeah, a non-commissioned
officer. Yes!

There is somebody there
with a doubtful face.

"You were
a non-commissioned officer?"

Yes, I was!

[Laughter]

Earlier, the guy that
got me to Hurleyville,

to the Butler Lodge,
his name was Don Appell.

He was an actor,
and he got me the job

because he thought
I was cute and funny.

Up in the mountains,
he got me this job,

and he also worked
with Sid Caesar.

Don Appell kind of
discovered--excuse me.

Oh, my God!

[Laughter]
Ha ha!

Kind of--
[Laughs]--

kind of discovered
Sid Caesar,

who was a saxophone player
at the Avon Lodge,

and he turned out to be,
you know, a comic.

So Don said--after
the war, he said,

"Mel, Sid is playing
at the Copacabana.

He's opening tonight,
and I got some tickets."

So he took me
to the Copacabana.

I saw Sid Caesar,
I fell in love with the guy.

He was doing--

[Imitates clicking]--
slot machines.

He was doing everything.

He was really--
he was brilliant.

He was really
funny and brilliant,

and he was doing people.

He wasn't just doing
"check your umbrella" jokes,

you know?

He was wonderful.

So he hired me to be
his writer permanently.

Max Liebman didn't like me.

He was, like,
the producer/director

of the show,

and I would do crazy things.

If there'd be a rehearsal--
dancing rehearsal--

and I saw that shiny floor
the dancers were dancing on

and they took
a little break,

I'd run across that floor

and I'd slide against
the wall,

I'd say, "Safe!"
I loved it.

And then Max Liebman would
throw a lit cigar at me

to kill me.

[Laughter]

He hated me.

We've done two years
on the "Show of Shows,"

and I'm by far
the best writer of them--

no, I'm kidding.

[Laughter]

But I'm doing my best.

I am contributing.
I am contributing.

It's two seasons.

I get a call from a guy
called Freddie Kohlmar.

He's a producer. He makes movies
at Columbia Pictures.

He says,
"I've heard about you,

"and I've heard
you're funny,

"and I think you're
the guy to write--

I'm doing 'Pal Joey,'
hopefully with Sinatra."

He said, "I want you
to do the script,

"and I want you
to fly out here,

"and we'll give you--
you can work for 8 weeks.

We'll give you $1,000
a week."

I said, "Look around.
I'm there!"

[Laughter]

I'm there, you know?

So anyway, I'm there,
I'm at Columbia Pictures

and I'm writing.

They didn't get Sinatra;

he was sick or he couldn't
do it at that time later.

So I'm writing,
I'm writing different--

"Apple Annie."

Whatever they ask me
to write, I write, I write,

I write at Columbia.

I make a good friend,
my next-door neighbor--

you may have heard of him--

is a guy called
Alfred Hayes, who wrote

a beautiful book called

"The Girl
on The Via Flaminia,"

and--a wonderful novel,

a talented guy,
and we became pals.

He was from Brooklyn, too.

And one day, we come
back from lunch--

the Gower Street Studio--

and his name is not
in the door,

in that little slot.

So I said,
"Where's your name?"

He said, "Well, maybe
it fell down, maybe."

So we looked around--
Alfred Hayes, Alfred Hayes--

we're looking,

and finally he calls
down and they say,

"Uh, Mr. Hayes, we no longer
need your services."

"Oh, my God. That's
the way they fire you?

Oh, Jesus.
This is terrible."

So it's, "Good-bye, Alfred."

"Yeah, good luck."

And that night
I couldn't sleep,

and 5:30 in the morning,
I get up.

I go to Columbia,
I wait for the janitor.

He opens the door.

I sneak in behind him.

I go to the first floor,
I take all the names out.

[Laughter]

Oh, every card I slide out.
I take them all out.

I go to the third floor,
run up to the third floor.

I take all
the names out of there.

I take the third from the--
put it on the first.

the first, put it
on the third,

the second--I change every name
in Columbia Pictures.

Every single name.

[Applause]

So...so the head of
the studio--

well, not the big head
of the studio,

but the head of movies--
great guy,

used to be a comedy writer.

His name is Jerry Wald.

Jerry comes
into my office and says,

"Mel, you were seen."

"Ohh."

Heh! "Ohh."

So the janitor's
assistant, somebody.

Oy.

"Harry Cohn wants
to see you."

So I go--you know,
he takes me up,

Freddie Kohlmar's
there waiting.

We go up to Harry Cohn.
He has a red carpet.

I'm on, literally...

[Laughter]

In front of his desk
is a red carpet.

And Freddie says,
"Give him a break.

"I mean, he's just a...
he's a fun kid.

"He likes fun.

Uh, he--please, Mr. Cohn,
don't fire him."

And Harry Cohn says, "I
don't want him fired.

"I don't want him fired.

I want him fuckin' killed!"

[Laughter]

"I want him killed!
I want him dead!"

And he could do it.

He knew people
who could do that.

[Laughter]

It was pretty scary.

Anyway, they begged him,
and I went back to work.

I collected my last check.

I happily flew back
to New York

and back to
the "Show of Shows"

and easier, more comfortable
circumstances.

Doc Simon--Neil Simon,
we called him Doc.

Every time he had a joke,

he'd whisper it
into Carl Reiner's ear,

and Carl would say,
"Doc's got it,"

and then he would tell
the joke,

and usually it was
pretty damn funny.

He was a big fan of mine.
He liked my comedy.

So we often had lunch
together,

so one day Larry Gelbart
and Doc Simon and I

were walking up 57th Street,

and 3 nuns approach us,
coming down.

[Laughter]

And Neil says, "Mel, please!"

[Laughter]

Ha ha! Alrea--already,
he knew. He knew.

"Please!"

And I--as soon as they
got close to us, I said,

"Get out of those costumes!
The sketch is out!"

[Laughter]

It just...it's terrible. Oh!

OK, I was working with
a guy called Charles Strouse

and Lee Adams,

and we were doing
a show on Broadway

that didn't really make it.

It wasn't so bad.

Uh, it wasn't so good. Heh heh!

[Laughter]

It was called "All American,"
starring Ray Bolger.

And, uh, Charles Strouse
is a very good composer.

♪ Once upon a time ♪

Very good composer.

And so he said, "Come with me.

"I have to go
to a Perry Como rehearsal

"because I'm doing
a special song

for Anne Bancroft
at the Actors Studio."

So he was playing piano for her.

I said, "Fine,
I'll go with you."

And I go with him, and there
onstage in a white dress

is Anne Bancroft.

And I've never seen
anything like it.

She's incredible.
She's beautiful.

And I yelled out,
"Anne Bancroft!

I'm Mel Brooks!"

[Laughing]
She says, "Who the hell are you?

What do...what do you want?"

So anyway,
we started dating.

I wouldn't let her--I would
end up everywhere she was.

I said, "It's kismet!
It's kismet!"

She said,
"You're following me!

"It's not kismet!
You're following me!

There's no kismet here!"

[Laughter]

So we started
going out together.

She was working, I wasn't,

so she would slip me
money under the table.

You know, bills and--
so we usually ate

at a Chinese restaurant.

So one day the bill all
together for the both of us

was 10 bucks,
and I leave--I left 15.

I left a $5.00 tip.

Bang! She hit me.
[Laughter]

"With my money,
you're leaving such a...

"such a big tip?

Big shot. Ugh."

[Laughter]

Finally, with Anne,
I worked hard,

and I wrote a rough draft

of a thing called
"Springtime for Hitler,"

which later became
"The Producers."

[Cheering and applause]

And...but nobody wanted it.

The only guy who liked
it was Sidney Glazier.

He had done--he got an Oscar
for the Eleanor Roosevelt

documentary, great guy.

And we took it everywhere.

We finally--we got a bite

from Lew Wasserman
at Universal.

We said, "Oh, OK!"

So we see Lew Wasserman.

He says, "I like the script.

"It's funny. We want to do it.

"One little change.

If you make it, all--
we'll be on your team."

What's the change?

"Instead of Hitler,
could you make it Mussolini?"

[Laughter]

"He's a much nicer guy.

It's not so--you know,
it's not such a..."

I said, "Nah, you didn't
get it," you know?

All right. So anyway,
we make--Alfa-Betty Olsen,

who's my pal from the Village,

she becomes a kind of help--

she becomes
a casting director.

She gets--she says, "Mel,
I got Dustin Hoffman to play

Franz Liebkind," the crazy--

I said, "Fabulous!
Dustin Hoffman!

He's so talented!"

And then Dustin--about 3 weeks
later, Dustin calls me

and says, "You know,
believe it or not,

"Mike Nichols wants me
to fly out to California

"to audition for Benjamin,

opposite your wife
in 'The Graduate.'"

I said, "Go! Go! You're a mutt.
You'll never get it.

They'll look at you
on film..."

[Laughter]

"There's no chance
I'll lose you," you know.

[Laughter]

And, you know,
he--he calls, you know.

But anyway,
I took a good bounce.

I got Kenny Mars,
who was a very good Nazi.

He was very good.

Um...so anyway,

"The Producers" came out,
and in the "New York Times"

there was a review
by Renata Adler.

You never--I don't know
the names of the ones

that liked me.

[Laughter]

I swear to God.

I only know...I only know

the shitheads that have
given me the worst reviews

in my life.

[Laughter and applause]

So anyway, very bad review.

And I thought,

"Well, I can always
go back to television,

I'll get a job."

And then I get in the mail

"Nominated for an Academy Award"
for the screenplay.

"Wow! OK.
Maybe I'll stay in movies.

Who knows, you know?"

This is all good,
but I said,

"No chance of winning."

Stanley Kubrick, "2001,"

that incredible movie,
Original Screenplay.

Pontecorvo,
"The Battle of Algiers."

I don't have a chance

of even getting
near that award.

So I go
to the Academy Awards

because it's a chance
to wear a tuxedo.

You know, I got--I rented
a very nice tuxedo.

And I went there,
I had a flower--

a little red flower,
and I went.

I'm sitting there--

I don't have a speech
or anything

'cause I ain't gonna win.

And they...they
announce my name!

I can't believe it!

So I--"Get up, go there!"

I said, "But I don't--"
[Stammers]

"I don't know what to..."

[Blows raspberries,
clicks teeth]

[Laughter]
"Uh...OK!"

I go up.

I go up onstage,
I don't have--

I don't have a speech.

And I said, "Really.

I mean, a lot of people,
you know,

say they don't have
a speech.

"I really don't,
I really don't,

"but I'd like to--
I'll just tell you all

here at The Academy"--

and this is the speech
I made--

"I'll tell you all
at the Academy

"what's in my heart.

"Bu-boom, bu-boom, bu-boom!
That's it."

Now ladies...ladies
and Jews,

I have to pee,
so I'm going to leave you.

Come back for the second act
if you like the show.

[Cheering and applause]

♪

BROOKS: ♪ High anxiety ♪

[Cheering and applause]

♪ Whenever you're near ♪

♪ High anxiety ♪

♪ It's you that I fear ♪

♪ My heart's afraid to fly ♪

♪ It's crashed before ♪

♪ But then you take
my hand ♪

♪ My heart starts to soar ♪

♪ Once more ♪

♪ High anxiety ♪

♪ It's always the same ♪

♪ High anxiety ♪

♪ It's you that I blame ♪

[Laughter]

♪ It's very clear to me ♪

♪ I've got to give in ♪

♪ High anxiety ♪

♪ You win ♪

Gerry Sternbach!

[Cheering and applause]

♪ My heart's afraid to fly ♪

♪ It's crashed before ♪

♪ But then you take
my hand ♪

♪ My heart starts to soar ♪

♪ Once more ♪

Key change!

[Laughing]
♪ High anxiety ♪

♪ It's always the same ♪

♪ Oooh-xiety ♪

[Laughter]

♪ It's you that I blame ♪

♪ It's very clear to me ♪

♪ I've got... ♪

♪ To give in ♪
[Whip crack sound effect]

Thanks for
the whip crack!

♪ High Anxiety ♪

And remember,
ladies and gentlemen,

be good to your parents
because on occasion,

they've been good to you.

[Laughter]

♪ You win ♪

[Cheering and applause]

Thank you. Um...

That was the title song

of a movie I made
called "High Anxiety."

And...and it was--

the whole movie was built

around all
the Alfred Hitchcock movies.

So when I decided
to make this movie,

I called Mr. Hitchcock
and I said,

"Mr. Hitchcock"--

that's what you'd say
to him when you call him.

I said, "Hello,
Mr. Hitchcock.

This is Mel Brooks."

"Who?"
"Never mind."

And then I told him
the idea,

that I wanted to do,
you know,

a pastiche of all
of his famous scenes

from his famous movies
and have fun with it.

He said, "Sure. Come over."

So he had seen
"Blazing Saddles,"

he knew that I could do
funny stuff.

And I came over to Universal

and he, uh,
he helped me--

actually helped me
with the script.

He said,
"Don't leave this out."

He, um, "The shower scene
is very important,"

this, that.

And then he said, "I got
a joke if you want to use it

in the movie."

I said, "All right."

[Laughter]

He's--this is Hitchcock.
He's pitching jokes.

I said, "OK, well,
OK, Hitch."

By now, he's Hitch.

"OK, Hitch, what's
the joke?" you know.

And he says,
"A guy is being chased

by a bunch of bad guys,

and he's running
and running and running,

and finally he reaches
the end of his rope,

he's at the end of a dock,

and the ferry is
12 feet away,

and he leaps
in the air and lands

on the deck of the ferry...

but the ferry is coming in.

So, you know, I said...

And that was a great joke,

and if I had the money
to do it,

I would have done it.

He was terrific.

You know, I finally
finished the movie,

and I do a screening
just for Hitchcock,

just for Alfred Hitchcock.

And he sees the movie.
He's sitting next to me.

Every once in a while,
he's doing this.

I guess he's laughing.

[Laughter]
He's shaking.

When the birds were
shitting on me, he was...

[Laughter]

So--and then he gets up,

and he gets up
and he shuffles--

took him about
a half an hour--

shuffles, to shuffle out,
and he leaves.

Doesn't say he likes it.

You don't like it. What?

And I'm heartbroken.

I said, "Oh, my God,

he didn't think much
of the picture."

The next day I'm
at Twentieth Century Fox.

A boy arrives carrying
a wooden case of wine--

Chateau Haut-Brion,
1961, priceless--

and puts it on my desk.

And there's a note on it:

"Have no anxiety
about 'High Anxiety.'

It's a wonderful film.
Love, Hitch."

So, I mean, it all...

[Applause]

It all--it all--it really--
it all worked out...

There's another song I'd
like to do for you,

but I may not. It's...

[Laughter]
I'm not sure.

It was written
by John Morris,

who did the music,
I did the lyrics,

for a film called
"Blazing Saddles."

[Cheering and applause]

So I got--I called
the William Morris office,

and they got Frankie Laine,

who had done "Mule Train"
with those whip cracks,

and, I mean,
the "3:10 to Yuma."

I mean, and every
dopey western,

he sang his heart out
in the title.

And when I gave him
the thing

and he rehearsed it,
he turned to me

with tears in his eyes.

He said, "I love
this beautiful song."

I didn't say a word.

I said,
"OK, wonderful,

thank you Frankie,"
you know?

And he sang it.
[Laughter]

He sang it with gusto

and with all of
his heart.

I'd like to do it
for you now.

♪

[Woman cheers,
scattered applause]

♪ He rode a blazing saddle ♪

[Whip crack]

[Laughing]
♪ He wore a shining star ♪

♪ His job to offer battle ♪

[Whip crack]

♪ To bad men near and far ♪

♪ He conquered fear,
and he conquered hate ♪

♪ He turned dark night
into day ♪

♪ He made
his blazing saddle ♪

♪ A torch to light the way ♪

Hold it, Gerry.

[Piano playing quietly]

"He made--" Look,
Frankie Laine is singing this.

"He made
his blazing saddles

a torch to light
the way"?

[Laughter]

And he...and he
just didn't get it.

All right. OK.
[Laughter]

♪

♪ When outlaws
ruled the West ♪

♪ And fear filled
the land ♪

♪ A cry went up
for a man with guts ♪

♪ To take the West
in hand ♪

♪ They needed a man
who was brave and true ♪

♪ With justice
for all as his aim ♪

♪ Then out of the sun
rode a man with a gun ♪

♪ And Bart was his name ♪

♪ Yes, Bart was his name ♪

♪ He rode a blazing saddle ♪

[Whip crack]

[Laughing]
♪ He wore a shining star ♪

♪ His job to offer battle ♪

[Whip crack]

♪ To bad men near
and far ♪

♪ He conquered fear,
and he conquered hate ♪

♪ He turned dark night
into day ♪

♪ He made
his blazing saddle ♪

♪ A torch to light ♪

♪ The way ♪

[Applause]

[Whip crack]

Well...

I want to tell you
a little story

about "Blazing Saddles."

I was looking--you know,

I think I was a--you know,

just a little too artistic.

I was looking for
a real, deep actor

who had suffered alcoholism
to play The Waco Kid.

So I got Gig Young,
who is a great actor,

and he'd won
an Academy Award

for "They Shoot Horses,
Don't They?"

and was a genuine alcoholic.

[Laughter]
Putz.

So I hire him,

and in the first scene,
he's leaning over.

I mean, he's struggling
to gain equilibrium,

he's hanging over the bed
in the jailhouse.

And Cleavon Little--
God bless him.

I really love that guy.

[Applause]

So good, so sophisticated.

Richard Pryor, one of
the writers who wrote...

[Applause]

the script with me said,
"It's OK."

You know, I was going
to quit when Warner Bros.

wouldn't hire Richard Pryor
to play Black Bart,

you know,
in "Blazing Saddles. "

He's the funniest guy,

but they didn't know, and
they said he takes drugs.

They said no, I quit,

and he said,
"No, don't quit.

I'll never get
my last payment."

I said OK.
[Laughter]

So I said OK.

So we looked for a guy,
and we found Cleavon,

who was a stage actor,

you know,
really a great actor.

And Richard said to me,
"Look, I could be Cuban,

"you know?

But there's
no mistaking Cleavon."

"He will scare the shit out
of those rednecks." So...

[Laughter]

And that's the guy, and he
was so talented

and so handsome
and so sophisticated.

He was just the best actor
and the best guy.

So anyway, we're doing
this thing.

Cleavon comes over to Gig Young
and says, uh, "Are we awake?"

And Gig Young is supposed
to say, "I don't know.

Are we black?"

He's not--you know,
it's the West.

I mean, he can't believe
that the sheriff is black.

So...Cleavon comes over
and says, "Hello. Are we awake?"

And Gig Young says,
"I don't know.

Are we bla? Are we bla?"

[Laughter]
I said, "All right."

I turn to my assistant
director and I say,

"Look, this guy's gold.

"Look at him.
Look what he's giving!

"He's giving--he's giving
the alcoholic!

He's giving bla-bla!"

And then he continues,
and finally...

green material spews
from his mouth.

[Laughter]

It's like--it's like I'm
shooting "The Exorcist" here.

[Laughter]

I said, "Well this is
a little too much.

Call an ambulance in."

[Laughter]

So I called Gene Wilder,
who was in New York,

and Gene said,
"I'll be ha--"

And he came right out,
he got right into that costume,

he tried out a couple of horses,
he picked a nice one.

[Laughter]
He's great.

I mean, Gene was just--
and I realized: always get,

you know, a majestic actor
who could really do comedy,

because if they can do comedy,
they can do anything,

and Gene was the guy.

And he did it.
He saved my life.

[Applause]

The next one I got was
Madeline Kahn,

and she came to audition.

[Cheering and applause]

And I said, "Lift up
your skirt.

I want to see your legs."
[Laughter]

And she said, "Oh, it's
that kind of an audition."

[Laughter]

I said, "No, no!
I'm happily married. No, it's not.

It's just "Destry Rides Again,"
it's Marlene Dietrich.

I mean, you got to straddle
a chair." She said, "OK."

And she did, and God bless her,
she was perfect.

And then later, I thought,
"Why shouldn't it be one of those?"

[Laughter]

I could have gotten lucky!
What a schmuck.

[Laughter]

I loved her. I miss her
very much, really.

So we have a preview,
the first preview

at the AVCO Embassy Theater
on Wilshire.

And I had a rail built outside,
where cowboys could come

and tie, and they tied up
their horses.

And then, in the lobby
I had cattle and they were--

they made doody all over.
I mean, it was terrible.

So it was really good.
It was really--the movie worked.

And then the guy running
Warner Bros. at the time,

you know, who shall be
nameless--Ted Ashley.

[Laughter]

He grabs me by the collar.

He throws me into
the manager's office.

He gives me a legal pad
and a pencil.

He says, "Write!"
So I said, "All right."

"No farting!"
I said, "OK, farting out."

[Laughter]

"No punching an old lady!"
"No punching an old lady."

[Laughter]

"No punching a horse!"
"Oh, no, no!

No punching a horse.
No punching a horse."

And he went--he gave me
about 22 notes and I'm writing.

"Yes, sir. No, it's out,
it's out, it's out."

I would have had, like,
a 13-minute movie if I do.

[Laughter]

It's so crazy.
So anyway, he leaves.

I crumple everything up.
Calley's with me there.

Crumple everything up,
I throw it in the wastepaper basket.

Calley says,
"Good filing." Heh!

[Laughter]

So my first year,
"Blazing Saddles" hits it, and it's big.

That summer it goes all over and
it's a really--it's a big hit.

So I buy my mother
an apartment in Florida,

and I say, "Well,
where did you go?"

She said, "We went
to Hallandale,

"Hollywood, near The Diplomat.

"We got a wonderful
two-bedroom apartment

in a new building called
The Presidential."

I said, "Wait a minute.
The Presidential what?"

"It can't be just a--you know,
it's got to modify something.

It's an adjective.
Can't just be The Presidential."

She said, "That's it.
That's what it is.

"It's just The Presidential.

It's over the doorway.
It says The Pres--"

I said, "It can't be."
Then I go down to Florida.

I figure it's
The Presidential Arms, The Presidential Suites,

The Presidential Apartments.
I go down.

There it is--
"The Presidential." Just that.

All right. That's good
enough for the Jews, it's good enough for me.

[Laughter]

So I go up to the apartment.
I like the apartment a lot.

There on the TV set--
all my awards:

the Oscar, the Emmy, the Tony.

They're all there,
got a hundred awards.

And I find out my mother
at 4:00 every day is serving

tea and cookies, and it's
a tour for the building...

[Laughter]
to see--ha!--

to see the awards.

[Laughter]

Anyway, my mother wants to eat
at a Chinese restaurant

in Miami Beach.

Sadie is living there with Mom,
and I love Sadie.

Sadie and Mom are there,
and they're in the back of the car.

I hire a Lincoln.

I'm in the Lincoln,
I'm driving the Lincoln,

and they're chatting in
the back, and this is all good.

And then Sadie says to
my mother--I'll never forget--

"Remember when you--when Irving
was 3, and you gave him

that haircut from the bowl,
how crazy he looked?"

And my mother laughs
and Sadie laughs.

Now the laughter gets out
of hand and they get a little hysterical.

They're in the back
of the Lincoln and they fall off the...seat.

They're in the well
of the car, still laughing.

They never stopped laughing.

They're falling all over
each other, laughing.

I'm on a causeway!

I can't get--there's
nowhere to park!

Nowhere to--it's just two lanes
with rails and water!

[Laughter]

It's 3 miles!

And they're just--"I'll never
live through this."

Finally, we get to
the other side.

[Sighs]

I pick them up.
I straighten them out.

[Laughter]

I open the door
and lead them out, get them into the Chinese restaurant.

I come back to the car
to lock up.

There's another car
right next to me,

also a Lincoln Town Car,
you know?

So the chauffeur gets out
of that car, he says,

"Who you got?" I said,
"What do you mean?"

[Laughter]

He says, "Well, who--who
you got? Who are you driving?"

I said, "Oh, uh, Mel Brooks."

He says, "Is he a good tipper?"
I said, "The best!"

[Laughter and applause]

Second year I was doing
the "Show of Shows,"

and I met this guy
Ronny Graham,

and I had written a sketch that
he saw in a show Off-Broadway.

And when the show closed,
he said, "Will you take that sketch,

put it into New Faces?"
I said, "Sure."

So they put this sketch

into "New Faces of 1952."

Well, anyway, my sketch,

which closed the first act,
was very simple.

It was a satire
of "Death of a Salesman."

And actually, I got a note
from Arthur Miller,

who saw it and said,
"Not bad.

Try your hand at something
bigger," you know?

[Laughter]

Very--very nice.

Every once in a while,
Ronny and I would strike gold

and we'd write a really good--

what I considered
a really good song.

And we wrote one,
but we could never find...

we could never find
the right musical to put it in,

but it was a wonderful song.

And I'm going to take a chance
and sing it for you tonight.

♪

Ronny and I wrote this.

♪ An officer of France
am I, my rank is Generale ♪

♪ And if you ask me
how I feel ♪

♪ I'll tell you
I feel "mal" ♪

[Laughter]

Mal de tete?
No.

Mal de mer?
No.

Mal de what?
Mal de guerre.

♪ I'm sick of war
for many reasons ♪

♪ 3 of them will do ♪

♪ It's 1815,
I am French ♪

♪ And this is Waterloo ♪

[Laughter]

♪ To arms,
soldiers of France ♪

♪ Lift up your lance,
pick up your pants ♪

♪ The battle's begun ♪

♪ To arms,
heroes of Gaul ♪

♪ Come on, don't stall,
get on the ball ♪

♪ The battle's begun ♪

♪ The enemy's advancing
with murder in his eye ♪

♪ Our way I think he's
glancing, for us ♪

♪ It's do or die! ♪

I don't mind
the "do" part at all.

[Laughter]

Listen, folks, I have--
I have an idea,

a way of getting
around the problem.

Listen to this:

♪

♪ Retreat, retreat ♪

♪ Drop your sword
and run ♪

♪ Our foe is near,
the choice is clear ♪

♪ Get outta here, hooray
for fear, we're done ♪

♪ Run away, run away ♪

♪ If you run away,
you'll live to run away another day ♪

[Laughter]
♪ Retreat, retreat! ♪

♪ Give your feet
a chance ♪

♪ I got big news,
all o'youse ♪

♪ Gonna lose,
move your shoes toward France ♪

♪ It's defeat!
This is eet! ♪

♪ Retreat ♪

[Cheering and applause]

We're right
in the middle.

[Laughter]

♪ Show me a man
with deep red blood in his veins ♪

♪ If he got brains,
he'll keep that blood in his veins ♪

♪ Show me a man
who doesn't know the meaning of fear ♪

♪ Show me a horse,
I'll disappear ♪

♪ Show me a man
who scorns the coward in flight ♪

♪ Show me a man
who loves the smell of a fight ♪

♪ Show me a man
who loves the feel of steel in his gut ♪

♪ Show me that man,
I'll show you a nut ♪

[Laughter]

Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!

Oh, what am I saying?
What am I doing?

Shame, shame,
shame on me.

♪ How can I forget ♪

♪ My La Belle France? ♪

♪ Ahhh-ah, ahhh-ah ♪

[Laughter]

♪ Both my eyes get wet
for La Belle France ♪

♪ Ahhh-ah, ahhh-ah ♪

[Laughter]

♪ Children playing
hide and seek beside the river Seine ♪

♪ Ahhh-ah, ahhh-ah ♪

♪ Dentists pulling out
French teeth with very little pain ♪

♪ Ahhh-ah-- ♪
All right with the ahhs! Enough for now.

Just play the piano.
[Laughter]

♪ Every night I dream ♪

♪ Of La Belle
Fran--France ♪

♪ Take my last centieme
but don't take Fran-- France ♪

♪ I would beg and I
would cry for her ♪

♪ I would cheat and I
would lie for her ♪

I'll tell ya the truth.
I'm not gonna die for her. [Laughter]

♪ For La Belle France ♪

Here they come.
They're breaking through.

What'll we do?
What'll we do?

I got a dandy idea.
Let's go back to the top of the first chorus!

♪ Retreat, retreat ♪

♪ Give your feet
a chance ♪

♪ I got big news
for all o'youse ♪

♪ Gonna lose, move your
shoes toward France ♪

♪ Face defeat!
Be discreet! ♪

♪ This is eet!
Time to queet! ♪

♪ Backward, vite! ♪

♪ And retreat! ♪

[Music ends]

BROOKS: Now we got to find
a show to put it in.

[Woman cheers]

Thanks for that scream.

[Laughter]

Gerry, that was
wonderful, even the ahhhs.

I really enjoyed it.
Now get out!

[Laughter and applause]

Thank you, thank you.
Gerry Sternbach!

Every show I do,

usually I do it
with some other person,

but this is flying
blind, this is crazy.

But usually, uh,

I usually have the audience...
ask me questions.

But before I do, I'd like
to acknowledge the fact

that an old, talented Jew

is sitting right off
my right hand here.

Carl Reiner, folks!
[Cheers and applause]

It just occurred to me.

You do something that I
don't think anybody else in the world can do.

We had a sketch once
on the "Show of Shows"

where Sid comes into
a room and wants to be quiet.

He's going to burgle it
or something.

BROOKS: Yeah.
And he steps on a cat.

"Dial M for Money!"
Wait, wait.

I remember the sketch.
And he steps on a cat,

and we tried every--

there's no recording
of a cat, a cat noise.

The only person
in the whole world

that can do
a cat noise is the man standing there!

[Laughter]
The Mel Brooks!

Now, sir, for this
audience, would you do us the cat noise?

I'll tell you
what happened.

I never appeared on
the "Show of Shows."

I knew that between Carl
and Sid and Imogene

and Howie Morris
that, I mean, the talent was there.

I mean, I wasn't
going to try and get into the sketches and do my act.

So I was very happy that
we had such great talent,

so I never pushed
to be in the show.

Now, the sound man
who heard me make my cat sound said to me,

"In the middle of the sketch,
they want a cat sound and, you know, I can't do it.

Could you do it?"
So here I am,

performing on a microphone,

the "Show of Shows."

A million people
are going to hear me.

I'm very nervous.

So Sid is supposed to back up
in this room at night,

and he's supposed to,
at one point, step on a cat's tail,

and the cat's
supposed to yowl, make a true cat sound.

So Sid starts backing up

and he gets to
the cat's tail, and I go...

[Makes hissing noise]
"Oh, no, it's not--"

I'm nervous, I'm dry,
and he keeps backing up.

[Makes hissing,
slurping noise] I can't.

I mean, I'm failing.
I can't, I can't.

And finally, like, he's
almost out of the room. I go [loud cat screech]

There you go.
Saved! Thanks Carl.

One more!
Yeah, yeah.

[Makes loud cat screech]

I do the best cat sound.

Question. Yes?

What was the greatest,
most satisfying achievement of your career?

I think marrying
Anne Bancroft was my...

[Applause]
It was really, honestly...

I mean, I...we had
a great marriage,

and that was my greatest
accomplishment.

Right.
Thanks for the question. Questions? Questions?

Uh, you once talked

about Sid Caesar in terms
of his strength.

Can you talk about that
a little bit more,

that he was
a very powerful man?

But we went to Chicago once,
and Sid was really powerful

and he was smoking cigars
and he was drinking a lot of vodka.

He was appearing
at The Palmer House,

The Empire Room at
The Palmer House.

He was very good,
but he wanted quicker,

better jokes, so--
and we were working.

It was after the show.

See, we quit
the show at 12:00,

it was 3:00
in the morning.

Cigar smoke and, uh,
I said, "I need air!

Sid, I need air!"
Sid goes to the window.

It was probably shut
for 12 years.

You don't open
the hotel windows.

Nobody can.
Boom! Window open.

[Laughter]

Grabs me by the belt,
by the scruff,

holds me
above Michigan Avenue.

[Laughter]

I see taxis
underneath me.

And he says,
"Got enough air?"

I said, "Oh, yeah!
Blah, blah."

[Laughter]
"I'm fine! I'm fine."

Yes, sir?

Have you ever
been arrested?

[Laughter]

That's a plant.

[Laughter]

I was about 8 years old...

[Laughter]

and I was in the Woolworth
with my friends.

And we used to--you know,
every once in a while,

we'd take the liberty
of taking a yo-yo

and sticking it
in our pocket and, you know, we would--

you know, I think
it's called stealing.

[Laughter]

We said it was
"taking," you know?

Anyway, I saw
a Roy Rogers pistol

with a pearl handle
and, you know, toy pistol, was so beautiful.

I couldn't resist it.
I could not resist it.

Now, you don't steal
a Roy Rogers pistol

because it's too unga--
you can't, there's no way to--you can't get it.

But anyway,
I threw my coat over it and I shoved it around

and I started,
and just before I got to the door,

my shoulders--
the store manager saw me,

grabbed me, and he was--
he said, "I'm sick and tired of you kids stealing.

"I'm going to call the police
and call your parents

"and you're going to go
to jail and we've had it

and you're going
to come to my office!"

And on the way to the office,
I pulled out the gun,

I said, "Get back,
you son of a bitch! I'll blow your head off!"

[Laughter]

And he jumped back
and I ran out.

I still have the gun.

Thanks for that question.

Questions!

MAN: Up here!

Where?
Up here!

OK. Say it!

Did Annie encourage you
to write songs?

I was going to get
somebody to do,

you know, for the title
of "The Twelve Chairs."

And Anne said, "No, no.
You're a songwriter.

Go up to the attic
and don't come down

till you have a version
of the title song

for "The Twelve Chairs."

So I went up to the attic,

walked around for a while--
I'm sure she could hear me--

and then I got an idea
and I sat down.

And 3 or 4 hours later,
I came down

with "Hope For The Best,
Expect The Worst."

And I'm going to close this show

singing that song to you.

[Applause]

Gerry, come back!
All is forgiven!

You're not going
to do yaa-yaas in this one, are you?

No.

OK, here we go.
"Hope For The Best."

♪

♪ Hope for the best ♪

♪ Expect the worst ♪

♪ Some drink champagne,
some die of thirst ♪

♪ No way of knowing
which way it's going ♪

♪ Hope for the best,
expect the worst ♪

♪ Hope for the best ♪

♪ Expect the worst ♪

♪ The world's a stage,
we're unrehearsed ♪

♪ Some reach the top, folks,
while others flop, folks ♪

♪ Hope for the best,
expect the worst ♪

♪ I knew a man who saved
a fortune that was splendid ♪

♪ Then he died the day he'd
planned to go and spend it ♪

♪ Shouting, "Live while you're
alive! No one will survive!" ♪

♪ Life is funny,
save your worries ♪

♪ Spend your money,
live while you're alive ♪

♪ No one will survive ♪

♪ There's no guarantee ♪

♪ Hope for the best ♪

♪ Expect the worst ♪

♪ You could be Tolstoy
or Fannie Hurst ♪

♪ So take your chances,
there are no answers ♪

♪ Hope for the best,
expect the worst ♪

Break!

Gerry Sternbach,
ladies and gentlemen!

[Audience clapping along]

♪ I knew a man who saved
a fortune that was splendid ♪

♪ Then he died the day he'd
planned to go and spend it ♪

♪ Shouting, "Live while you're
alive! No one will survive!" ♪

♪ Life is sorrow, here today,
[clicks teeth] tomorrow ♪

♪ Live while you're alive,
no one will survive ♪

♪ There's no guarantee ♪

Everybody! I'm kidding.

♪ Hope for the best ♪

♪ Expect the worst ♪

♪ The rich are blessed,
the poor are cursed ♪

♪ That is a fact, friends ♪

♪ The deck is stacked, friends ♪

♪ Hope for the best,
expect...the worst ♪

Thank you, ladies
and gentlemen. Thanks...

MALE CHORUS:
♪ Hope for the best ♪

♪ Expect the worst ♪

♪ The rich are blessed,
the poor are cursed ♪

♪ That is a fact, friends ♪

♪ The deck is stacked, friends ♪

♪ Hope for the best,
expect the ♪

MAN: ♪ Even with
a good beginning ♪

♪ It's not certain
that you're winning ♪

CHORUS: ♪ Even with
the best of chances ♪

♪ They can kick you
in the pantses ♪

♪ Look out for the ♪

♪ Watch out for the worst ♪

Hey!

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