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A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES
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[woman] This is me.
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Johanne.
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Thirty years old. Single.
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["Silent Night" playing]
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It's the first Sunday in Advent
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and the whole family is gathered
for dinner at my mom and dad's.
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Mom placed me at the end of the table
next to my baby brother's twins.
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Because in her reasoning,
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I'm just so good with children.
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What she really means
is I'm stuck at the kiddie table
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till I grow up and find a man.
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And that right there is my problem.
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Everything is going well
in the other parts of my life,
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but I can't help feeling left out
when I'm with my family and friends.
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Every one of their conversations
revolve around boyfriends, children,
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dates, sex, colic, orgasms, lactation
and all that stuff.
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And it forced me to ask myself...
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like, down deep inside...
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what is it that I really want?
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Last week, my younger brother Morten
offered to maybe bring someone from work
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for me to borrow
as my date for Christmas Eve dinner
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so I wouldn't be
the only single one at the table.
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Yeah, he actually said that.
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I hate to admit it,
but for, like, ten seconds,
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I kind of considered taking him up on it.
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So, you might hardcore judge me
for what I'm about to do,
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but, well, I don't know you
and as they say,
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desperate times
call for desperate measures.
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I have a boyfriend, everyone.
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Is that really true?
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Seriously?
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Yeah, we're totally together.
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- Well, holy fuck!
- Language!
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- [laughter]
- Well, that's great!
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Here lies Johanne,
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survived by her pride
and her fake boyfriend.
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You know what?
Let's start back at the beginning.
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The day this whole mess started,
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December 1st.
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[upbeat guitar music playing]
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[laughter and chattering]
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- Hi there!
- [woman] Hello.
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Can I get four of those green ones there?
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Alright.
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Oh, and six of the blue
and six of these guys.
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OK. Are you trying to qualify
for a bulk discount?
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Yeah.
49
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How about buying a scratch card
while you're at it?
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You could get lucky and win something.
51
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- Hmm?
- What would I win? Like, more yarn?
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[woman laughs] No...
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Actually, first prize is a trip for two
to the Grand Canary Islands
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and second place is a stay
at the Sætra Spa Hotel for two.
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And last but not least we have...
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these love gloves!
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It's like a mitten,
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except for it's got enough room
for two hands,
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so and your boyfriend
can keep each other warm.
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[upbeat guitar music continues]
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- Hi.
- Hi.
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I'd like a pair of those Christmas pajamas
from the window.
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Oh, yeah! They're very popular.
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Let me just...
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Here you go. There.
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Wait, but there's two in there.
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I just want one for myself.
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We can't do that, I'm afraid.
They're sold in pairs or family packs.
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OK, so there's no way to get a one-pack?
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Sorry, but it looks like
they don't sell them individually.
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- No?
- No.
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- Then I'll take the pack of two.
- Wonderful.
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Hey, Johanne.
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Sorry to bother you,
but you need to help Henrik.
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Mrs. Nergaard is back.
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I've been on break for, like, two minutes!
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I know, girl.
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- So, who's the guy?
- [Johanne] Huh?
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Weren't you just chatting on Lovematch?
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- No, I was just playing Tetris.
- Well, that's depressing.
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- You won't get a boyfriend playing Tetris.
- [Johanne laughs]
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[chattering]
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[female patient coughing]
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- Hi there. Thanks for coming.
- [patient croaks] Hi.
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- [Henrik] Can you take Tone downstairs...
- Trine.
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Trine Nergaard.
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Trine... Trine. I'm so sorry.
I'm awful with names.
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- Ah.
- Hi, Mrs. Nergaard.
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- Couldn't stay away, could you?
- Yeah, it's because I missed you.
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Anyway, Johanne can you please
take the lovely Trine here for a CT scan?
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We need to check her lungs.
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- She has COPD.
- [Trine] Yeah, yeah.
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As you know, there is no cure,
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but we'll try to give you the best
quality of life we can, I promise.
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I don't give a shit about quality of life.
Come on. I've got one foot in the grave!
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Still, with your condition,
you should probably stop smoking.
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You want me to stop smoking?
I am 85 years old. What are you, nuts?
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[Henrik] Yeah.
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- [Trine breathes raspily]
- Henrik, a minute... Not done with you.
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Did you have a chance
to read her full chart?
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- Yeah...
- So, why do you want a CT scan?
102
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The chart says in addition to COPD,
she may have polychondritis...
103
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Do you still want me
to cover your shift on Monday?
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- Yeah, yeah. Can you?
- Sure, OK.
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- Hi.
- Hi.
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- You look well.
- Oh, thank you.
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- See you at lunch later?
- Yeah, probably.
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Anyway, I know this patient well.
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This is the tenth time she's been in,
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so you should listen to her lungs
because she might have Stridor,
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and then do a bronchoscopy.
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- [Trine coughs]
- A CT scan will only make it worse.
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- [Trine gasps for breath]
- [Henrik] Alright, let's see...
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- Sorry, this might be a little cold.
- [Trine chuckles]
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Do we really need to do this?
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- [croaks] I'm already feeling better.
- Can you cough for me?
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[Trine coughing]
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I don't need a broncho... whatever.
I just need a cigarette.
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Yeah, I'm on it.
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[Trine coughing]
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- Yeah?
- [Trine gasps]
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[Henrik] Yeah...
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OK...
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Would you mind administering
the bronchoscopy?
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Yeah.
126
00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:11,400
Thanks, Johanne.
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You're looking really well.
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Thanks, Doc.
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- Maybe I'll see you at lunch?
- Yeah, probably.
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[Trine] Hmm.
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- You're smarter than him, right?
- Yeah.
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[Trine laughs]
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But I've got to say,
that's a good-looking man.
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- Henrik?
- Oh, please! He's hot.
135
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So, why don't you tap that?
136
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Sounds like you've already called dibs!
137
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Hey, don't look at me.
I like my men a bit younger.
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[laughs] No way!
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OK.
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[Trine coughing]
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[chattering]
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Dude...
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Do you think this guy's hot?
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- [female doctor] Is that Lovematch?
- Yeah.
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It's slim pickings.
You won't find anyone on there.
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[head nurse] Listen up, everyone!
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Let's all discuss
the holiday shift coverage.
148
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Inga?
149
00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:06,480
Put your phone down, please, if you would?
150
00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:07,560
Yeah, of course.
151
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For starters, I need some brave volunteers
to work on Christmas Eve. Hmm?
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A show of hands how many of you
are planning to celebrate
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with your partners and children?
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OK. Noted.
155
00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:20,840
Can I get off like them, please?
156
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One moment. Then you're free to speak.
157
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- OK, go on.
- I'm going home for the holidays.
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Can you not schedule me?
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Alright, fine.
160
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- Johanne?
- [Johanne] Hmm?
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[head nurse] Afternoon
and evening shifts on Christmas Eve?
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OK.
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[head nurse] Always a team player.
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Thank you.
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So much appreciation for you single guys.
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Keeping the wheels turning while everyone
else indulges in presents and sauerkraut,
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surrounded by loved ones.
168
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Is that it?
169
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[chattering]
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Well, it's just you and me.
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At work, I mean.
For, you know, Christmas Eve.
172
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Just saying... There'll be...
173
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One doctor is covering
two of the wards. Me.
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Yeah. Nice.
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[chattering continues]
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[laughter and chattering]
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[Johanne] Hi!
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- Hey, guys!
- Hey!
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- [friend 1] Hey!
- [baby cooing]
180
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You're eating beets.
What are you, pregnant?
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- Yeah.
- [friend 1] Did she not tell you yet?
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- She didn't. Are you serious?
- [friend 2] Yep.
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Oh, my God!
184
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- Congratulations!
- [friend 2] Thank you!
185
00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:41,640
- Congratulations, Lars!
- Oh, thanks.
186
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Cool!
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[laughter]
188
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[Johanne] So, uh...
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when will it be here?
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We're only 11 weeks, so it's early.
191
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But we're excited you're going
to be a big sister, aren't we?
192
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How about we go for a third, huh?
193
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Why? We have two perfect children already.
194
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Who doesn't want more perfection?
195
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The feeling of a human being
growing inside you is magical.
196
00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:04,880
Yeah, but newborns are the worst.
197
00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:07,296
- Tiny alarm clocks.
- [friend 2] They are, but it's worth it.
198
00:09:07,320 --> 00:09:09,840
You're so lucky
you still get to sleep in every morning.
199
00:09:09,920 --> 00:09:13,400
I've worked a lot of extra shifts lately,
so I'm pretty tired, too.
200
00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:14,600
Totally exhausted.
201
00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:17,400
Looking after a child
is a whole new type of tired.
202
00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:20,720
- I thought tired was tired.
- No way! [laughs]
203
00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:24,240
It's a whole other world of tiredness
when you wake up four times a night
204
00:09:24,320 --> 00:09:26,440
with a baby demanding to be fed.
205
00:09:26,520 --> 00:09:30,160
And the diapers! Oh, my God! That's
reason enough not to have another one.
206
00:09:30,240 --> 00:09:33,216
I definitely get my fair share of diapers
at work, you know what I'm saying?
207
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:35,000
Still enjoying your job?
208
00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:36,320
Ah, you know...
209
00:09:36,560 --> 00:09:37,560
Oh, God!
210
00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:42,240
- [friend 1] Huh? What?
- It's Christian.
211
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:45,600
- Christian!
- Oh, man!
212
00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:46,600
- [friend 3] Hi!
- Hi.
213
00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:49,800
- [friend 3] Surprised to see you.
- [Christian] Good to see you.
214
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:51,800
- How is everyone?
- [friend 3] Can't complain.
215
00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:53,600
- [friend 3] Nice to see you.
- Yeah, it is.
216
00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:54,880
[friend 3] How are things?
217
00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:56,320
All going great, thank you.
218
00:09:56,400 --> 00:09:59,800
As a matter of fact,
we've just had one of these buggers.
219
00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:01,776
- [friend 3] Congrats!
- [Christian] Thanks a lot.
220
00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:03,960
But, man, am I tired. Just exhausted!
221
00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:07,760
- [friend 3] The first months are brutal.
- Some are more built for it than others.
222
00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:10,040
I can tell parenthood
hasn't been kind to you.
223
00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:12,360
[Christian chuckles]
224
00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:14,280
You mind if I help myself to a piece?
225
00:10:14,360 --> 00:10:15,960
- Yeah, go for it.
- Great. I'm starving.
226
00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:19,280
- How are things with...
- Johanne?
227
00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:22,800
- Never better!
- There's this doctor she's been seeing.
228
00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:24,320
- Yeah?
- A model!
229
00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:26,720
Yeah, he's a doctor
and also models part-time.
230
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:27,800
Wow.
231
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:30,040
Wait, I didn't know that.
232
00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:33,480
Hmm. Well, OK.
Well, you guys give her my best.
233
00:10:33,560 --> 00:10:36,640
- I'd better get going. Good to see you!
- You too, man. Later! Bye.
234
00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:44,440
Oh, God...
235
00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:49,640
- So, it's two years since the break up?
- Three.
236
00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:55,160
Want a beet?
237
00:10:55,560 --> 00:10:56,600
Not really.
238
00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:59,520
- Wine?
- Yeah, that.
239
00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:00,600
Keep pouring.
240
00:11:04,680 --> 00:11:05,960
To you!
241
00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:12,480
Part-time model?
242
00:11:15,680 --> 00:11:17,280
Oh, fuck.
243
00:11:17,680 --> 00:11:18,480
[friend 1] We tried.
244
00:11:18,560 --> 00:11:20,960
[melancholic music plays]
245
00:11:30,880 --> 00:11:32,200
- Hello.
- [Johanne's dad] Hey.
246
00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:39,280
- You're having a ball with these lights.
- [Johanne's dad] I am.
247
00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:43,280
Yeah, they're... neat.
248
00:11:45,040 --> 00:11:46,600
You don't think they're tacky?
249
00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:49,240
You think? No, it will be fine.
250
00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:53,080
Besides, I can't let the neighbors
steal all the attention.
251
00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:56,520
[Johanne] When did Mr. Reinertsen
start doing lights?
252
00:11:56,840 --> 00:11:57,920
That guy is not Reinertsen.
253
00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:00,760
- Huh?
- No, Reinertsen is gone.
254
00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:03,240
Mrs. Reinertsen met someone else.
255
00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:06,280
Jack Crawford. An American from Texas.
256
00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:09,400
Man. Poor Mr. Reinertsen.
257
00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:11,720
Yeah. He was blindsided.
258
00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:16,280
- What's that? Roe deer?
- Reindeer.
259
00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:18,960
- No, that's a roe deer.
- It says "reindeer" on the box.
260
00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:20,760
Oh...
261
00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:22,920
- Is everyone inside?
- Yeah, go on in.
262
00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:25,040
I'm coming right after
I get these working.
263
00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:26,360
[Johanne] OK.
264
00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:32,400
- Hi!
- Hey!
265
00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:35,560
Hi. Good to see you.
Here he comes with the tackle!
266
00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:37,296
- [child roars playfully]
- [Johanne laughs]
267
00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:41,080
- [boy] Did you see how high I jumped?
- Hi, sweetheart! So glad you made it.
268
00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:42,600
- [boy] Again!
- You look exhausted.
269
00:12:42,680 --> 00:12:44,480
Yeah, well, it's not that bad.
270
00:12:44,560 --> 00:12:46,696
- [boy] I want to do the tackle again!
- We'll eat soon.
271
00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:48,000
[boy] Auntie Johanne!
272
00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:49,320
- But I want to!
- Hi!
273
00:12:49,680 --> 00:12:52,200
- Yes... Say hello to your auntie.
- Hi. How are you doing?
274
00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:55,680
- How are baby Mortens One and Two?
- Fine. Not bad. Have you been good?
275
00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:56,760
Absolutely. Never better.
276
00:12:57,120 --> 00:12:59,696
- Hold on. Let me say hi first, OK?
- [boy] I want to do it again!
277
00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:02,640
- Hey there, pretty lady.
- Long time no see. You're looking well.
278
00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:04,000
I could say the same thing.
279
00:13:04,080 --> 00:13:05,960
I hope I look that good
after having twins.
280
00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:10,680
- I thought you didn't want to be a mother.
- Well, then, tell that to my ovaries.
281
00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:12,800
- Any news, Johanne?
- What?
282
00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:14,480
Oh you know, is there a special someone?
283
00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:15,560
Mom, don't!
284
00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:18,720
No, no. I don't mean to nag,
but you can't blame me for asking.
285
00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:21,440
Can you go and fetch your father?
286
00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:22,880
- Would you, dear?
- Yeah.
287
00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:25,040
[festive music playing]
288
00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:28,080
- [Johanne] Hey, Dad, the food's ready.
- One second.
289
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:33,320
[music stops]
290
00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:35,240
[Johanne's mom] Tor!
291
00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:39,960
Are you finished yet, Tor?
292
00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:43,640
Tor!
293
00:13:44,560 --> 00:13:46,880
[festive music restarts]
294
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:48,360
- [cheering]
- Thank goodness.
295
00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:50,160
Mission accomplished. Well done.
296
00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:51,656
- [Morten] We're at dinner.
- Thanks.
297
00:13:51,680 --> 00:13:53,960
- Do you need utensils?
- [Morten] No, I'm good, Mom.
298
00:13:54,320 --> 00:13:56,456
- [Johanne's sister] It's good to see you.
- No, Johanne.
299
00:13:56,480 --> 00:13:58,960
I was thinking you could sit
with the twins, if you don't mind.
300
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:01,920
I think it would be best
since you're always so good with them.
301
00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:05,280
[chattering]
302
00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:08,200
- [Johanne's dad] Have some.
- [Johanne's sister] Can you pour me a bit?
303
00:14:08,520 --> 00:14:10,600
You guys are playing
the same game now, huh?
304
00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:13,200
When are you going to buy the tree, Mom?
305
00:14:13,760 --> 00:14:16,600
I have to wait.
It's a bit too early to buy one.
306
00:14:16,680 --> 00:14:19,400
The needles will be everywhere.
Man's true enemy.
307
00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:22,496
- So, I take it you're done with spruces?
- I'm thinking about getting a pine.
308
00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:23,560
[Johanne's mom] Uh-uh.
309
00:14:23,640 --> 00:14:24,920
No way!
310
00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:27,640
No pine in my house ever again.
Right, Morten?
311
00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:30,360
Huh? Yeah, no,
we definitely can't have that.
312
00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:33,480
- [Johanne's mom] What do you two buy?
- Silver fir, I think.
313
00:14:33,560 --> 00:14:36,440
- That's a shedder.
- No, I heard they're pretty good.
314
00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:39,280
- The needles don't fall.
- Absolutely not. It's great.
315
00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:41,240
[laughter]
316
00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:43,160
But if not now,
317
00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:44,760
when are you going to buy it?
318
00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:46,480
Usually around the 20th.
319
00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:47,960
Will you be working?
320
00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:50,760
I'll have to request time off.
321
00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:53,240
- Christmas-tree shopping is tradition.
- [Johanne's mom] Aw!
322
00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:55,720
What about Christmas Eve?
323
00:14:56,720 --> 00:14:58,760
I've... been scheduled Christmas Eve.
324
00:14:59,080 --> 00:15:01,520
- Again?
- You worked last year and the year before.
325
00:15:01,920 --> 00:15:05,080
It sounds like you need to start
prioritizing the family more, Johanne.
326
00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:08,080
Hey, I'm not really stoked
about working either, but...
327
00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:11,160
the others have husbands
and their families to be with,
328
00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:12,240
so I've just...
329
00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:14,160
got to take one for the team.
330
00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:15,800
Or you could say no.
331
00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:17,400
Or swap it.
332
00:15:17,480 --> 00:15:19,360
[laughs] If only it were that simple.
333
00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:22,320
This boss of yours -
I think you should stand up to her.
334
00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:24,160
It sounds like
she's taking advantage of you.
335
00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:25,920
She runs a tight ship.
336
00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:28,960
Well, then, I guess
you'll just have to get yourself a man.
337
00:15:29,040 --> 00:15:30,720
You're not getting any younger.
338
00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:32,360
[Johanne's mom chuckles]
339
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:35,640
[Johanne's mom sighs]
340
00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:37,560
Speaking of men, how is Christian?
341
00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:40,480
You were such a darn cute couple.
342
00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:43,400
I was sure you two would end up together
and get married.
343
00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:48,040
Drop it, OK? It's been three years
since he and I split up.
344
00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:52,000
I saw on Facebook he got married recently
and has a baby and the whole shebang.
345
00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:54,400
- [Morten] Isn't that right?
- Sure.
346
00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:57,081
- [Johanne's mom] Wait, really?
- [Johanne's sister] Yeah.
347
00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:01,200
Oh, well. I guess it's good for him, then.
348
00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:05,920
- He was such a wonderful man. So nice.
- He was.
349
00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:08,560
He always brought me a bouquet of flowers.
350
00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:12,920
Johanne, I've got to say,
you really let a good one go there.
351
00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:15,360
It could be you
posting your marriage on Facebook.
352
00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:16,936
- That's enough.
- [Johanne's mom] What?
353
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:19,600
Am I not allowed to say
he was a lovely young man?
354
00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:22,800
- Well, I'm not the one who...
- You'll find a new boyfriend soon.
355
00:16:22,880 --> 00:16:24,800
Maybe you could work a little less.
356
00:16:24,880 --> 00:16:27,696
If you only hold space for your career,
love won't have room to move in.
357
00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:29,520
- Right, Morten?
- Absolutely.
358
00:16:30,680 --> 00:16:34,040
I just want you to find someone nice,
so you're not all alone.
359
00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:36,360
I never said I was lonely.
360
00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:38,160
A colleague who works with me is single.
361
00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:39,400
Oh, yeah?
362
00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:41,720
[Johanne's sister]
You might be a good match, actually.
363
00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:43,480
He's allergic to the sun, though.
364
00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:46,600
I think it's that...
that thing when you can't be in the sun.
365
00:16:46,680 --> 00:16:48,200
- Albino?
- Albino, yeah.
366
00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:52,240
Also, he's missing some fingers.
Freak chainsaw accident as a kid.
367
00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:54,320
Other than that, he's a total catch!
368
00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:55,800
I have a boyfriend, everyone.
369
00:16:57,480 --> 00:16:58,600
Shit!
370
00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:00,480
- [Morten] Wow.
- Is that really true?
371
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:01,960
- Seriously?
- [Johanne] Yeah!
372
00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:04,160
- I do.
- Holy fuck!
373
00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:06,080
- Language!
- That's really great!
374
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:08,200
A doctor?
375
00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:09,920
No... or he's...
376
00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:12,575
- When will you bring him round to see us?
- Well, it's still new.
377
00:17:12,599 --> 00:17:15,280
- Bring him for Christmas.
- Yes, do that!
378
00:17:15,359 --> 00:17:18,640
- So you can take off for Christmas.
- Mom, it doesn't work like that.
379
00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:20,119
I couldn't just flake out on my...
380
00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:23,880
So, it's settled, then.
I'll set enough room for your plus-one.
381
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:27,240
Now, you go get that shift swapped.
See, Johanne? Easy-peasy.
382
00:17:27,319 --> 00:17:28,400
I...
383
00:17:29,119 --> 00:17:31,400
Oh, I'm so happy, I could cry!
384
00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:33,176
- [laughter]
- [Johanne's mom] I can feel it.
385
00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:36,600
This is going to be the best Christmas
celebration this family has ever had!
386
00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:38,680
Now, then, cheers, everyone!
387
00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:40,720
- Cheers!
- Cheers!
388
00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:43,080
- Cheers!
- [Johanne's sister] Cheers!
389
00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:44,240
Alright...
390
00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:46,320
[Johanne's mom] Wonderful.
391
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:47,640
[laughter]
392
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:50,400
You lied and made up a fake guy?
393
00:17:51,160 --> 00:17:52,160
Yeah.
394
00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:55,120
And promised to bring him home
for Christmas so they could meet him.
395
00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:58,480
- [laughs] Yeah, why?
- Because I'm stupid.
396
00:17:59,040 --> 00:18:02,000
I'm still lost as to why you'd lie
about having a boyfriend.
397
00:18:02,080 --> 00:18:04,360
[sighs] No idea. It was a shitty day.
398
00:18:04,840 --> 00:18:08,040
And on top of that, they sat me
at the far end of the table with the boys.
399
00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:09,800
Only one thing to do now...
400
00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:12,800
- And that is?
- Tell them you're a big fat liar.
401
00:18:13,080 --> 00:18:14,080
I can't.
402
00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:15,080
- No?
- No.
403
00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:16,720
Then you've got find a guy.
404
00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:20,360
- In 24 days?
- 24 days with me helping.
405
00:18:20,760 --> 00:18:21,960
Piece of cake!
406
00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:24,840
- Mulled wine?
- Yeah.
407
00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:26,160
There's alcohol in it?
408
00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:29,600
There is, but to round it out,
there's a bit of orange juice,
409
00:18:29,680 --> 00:18:32,120
salts, cloves
410
00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:35,040
and balsamic vinegar.
411
00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:36,920
We should forget about this whole thing.
412
00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:39,520
I haven't been on the market
since two-thousand-and-fuck-my-life.
413
00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:42,760
- It's a Sahara down there.
- You need to at least open up more.
414
00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:43,840
Like, seriously!
415
00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:46,456
You're going to have to open your heart
and get over the damn fact
416
00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:49,040
that your sad ass got dumped,
like, four years ago.
417
00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:51,520
- Three.
- OK.
418
00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:53,320
Open up.
419
00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:56,240
Like, Lovematch - are you on it?
420
00:18:56,840 --> 00:18:58,560
Yes, or kind of.
421
00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:00,680
What's that mean?
422
00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:05,240
I mean, I have a whole profile,
but I don't really dust it off ever.
423
00:19:05,320 --> 00:19:07,880
Well, I only have it
in case a miracle occurs.
424
00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:10,760
Yeah, but, magic
isn't something that just happens.
425
00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:12,920
You've got to be out there
bringing the big-ass guns.
426
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:15,360
What are you talking about?
427
00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:18,600
It means we need to cover our bases
and get some results. Understand?
428
00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:20,640
Thomas has got
a speed-date thing tomorrow.
429
00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:23,640
- "Bar" Thomas?
- Yeah.
430
00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:27,200
Speed dating is, like, so 2001, isn't it?
431
00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:30,520
Well, it's analog, right?
That's why it's so genius.
432
00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:33,080
It's an analog way of,
you know, of swiping.
433
00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:34,440
They're in front of you, then...
434
00:19:34,520 --> 00:19:35,400
[mimics air whooshing]
435
00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:37,640
It's like online... but in real life.
436
00:19:37,720 --> 00:19:38,720
It's perfect!
437
00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:40,200
No way in hell.
438
00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:43,880
DECEMBER 2ND
439
00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:48,520
- I'm getting out of here.
- No, no! Come on.
440
00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:50,960
- Hello!
- Hi.
441
00:19:51,280 --> 00:19:52,280
Hey.
442
00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:53,480
[Thomas and Johanna laugh]
443
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:56,240
- [Johanne's friend] Hey, stranger.
- [Thomas] How long has it been?
444
00:19:57,120 --> 00:19:58,840
I don't get out much, to be honest.
445
00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:01,560
You're scared, like a hermi... crab thing.
446
00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:03,600
Nice try, but it's hermit.
447
00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:05,336
- Just so you know.
- Tomato, tomato.
448
00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:06,800
And I'm not so afraid of life!
449
00:20:07,320 --> 00:20:09,840
So, anyway, how does this whole thing go?
450
00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:11,320
Oh, well, it's super efficient.
451
00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:14,440
You'll be seated at table ten -
that one right over there.
452
00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:17,760
OK, I'm nervous.
I haven't been on, like, speed...
453
00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:19,600
Wait, not speed. I've never been on speed.
454
00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:23,136
- I mean speed dating. Don't laugh!
- [friend] You'll be fine.
455
00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:24,800
- You will.
- [Thomas] I wouldn't worry.
456
00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:27,720
You just have to sit there.
The guys switch tables around you.
457
00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:29,400
Three minutes per date. It will be cool.
458
00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:30,840
- You'll crush it.
- Yeah?
459
00:20:32,040 --> 00:20:34,160
Here's a list for you
of names, height, age...
460
00:20:34,240 --> 00:20:36,480
It looks like a take-out menu
for a Chinese restaurant.
461
00:20:37,120 --> 00:20:39,160
You can choose exactly
what you want in a dude!
462
00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:40,240
It's fantastic!
463
00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:44,040
See there? Education...
Oh, this guy likes nature and coffee.
464
00:20:44,120 --> 00:20:45,320
- This will be great.
- Yeah.
465
00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:47,120
- OK, good luck. Have fun, now.
- Here I go.
466
00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:49,080
- Later, nerds!
- Alright.
467
00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:52,360
We're starting in a couple minutes, OK?
You've just got to sit and look pretty.
468
00:20:52,440 --> 00:20:53,960
- Ready?
- Yep.
469
00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:55,040
Pen.
470
00:20:56,560 --> 00:20:57,560
[Johanne] OK.
471
00:20:58,040 --> 00:20:59,480
[Thomas] Table ten. Yeah.
472
00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:00,560
- [Johanne] Ten.
- Cool.
473
00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:04,240
[chattering]
474
00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:05,720
- [man inhales deeply]
- [whistling]
475
00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:07,680
[air whistling through man's nose]
476
00:21:09,480 --> 00:21:10,680
Nicaragua.
477
00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:11,920
[man slurps coffee]
478
00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:15,000
I used to work
as a coffee importer, actually.
479
00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:16,080
[whistling]
480
00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:18,600
- How cool.
- [man] Mm-hmm.
481
00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:20,160
[whistling]
482
00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:22,200
Kind of like a barista?
483
00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:25,680
No, no. A barista just makes coffee.
484
00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:28,480
- I imported it.
- Oh.
485
00:21:29,120 --> 00:21:30,120
[whistling]
486
00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:31,360
[chuckles]
487
00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:34,400
- Aren't those from middle school?
- I brought it from my parents'.
488
00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:37,520
- Johanne?
- Yeah, that would be me.
489
00:21:37,840 --> 00:21:39,320
Then I'll put "yes" straight away.
490
00:21:40,920 --> 00:21:43,480
- OK.
- You look so much like Mama.
491
00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:45,600
- Like, a cosmic coincidence!
- Yeah.
492
00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:47,080
Johannes and Johanne.
493
00:21:47,160 --> 00:21:48,200
I mean...
494
00:21:48,560 --> 00:21:51,480
So are people more interested in you
when you bring that thing with you?
495
00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:52,800
Select a color.
496
00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:54,560
- Red.
- So...
497
00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:56,160
R-e-d.
498
00:21:56,520 --> 00:21:58,640
- "Yes" is the answer.
- Yes? Yes, what?
499
00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:00,880
Yes, dates become more interested in me.
500
00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:01,960
[Johanne laughs]
501
00:22:03,120 --> 00:22:04,680
It says here you're 29?
502
00:22:05,880 --> 00:22:07,080
That photo is from last year.
503
00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:08,600
I've been through things since then
504
00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:11,480
that make me look a little, shall we say,
a bit on the weathered side.
505
00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:14,040
- This last year only?
- Last year, yeah.
506
00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:16,880
OK.
507
00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:20,280
What's your occupation?
508
00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:23,920
I am a performance artist.
509
00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:30,960
What's a typical day look like for you?
510
00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:33,280
Today, I collected a guy
from outside Oslo,
511
00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:35,280
drove him to the woods and beat him.
512
00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:38,920
I like churchyards.
513
00:22:39,360 --> 00:22:40,560
I dig their atmosphere.
514
00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:42,800
What we really should have done
was pulled his teeth.
515
00:22:42,880 --> 00:22:44,160
I'll go back tonight to do that.
516
00:22:45,520 --> 00:22:47,560
You're just kidding, right?
About the teeth?
517
00:22:47,640 --> 00:22:49,240
I don't think he'd find it very funny.
518
00:22:49,920 --> 00:22:50,720
Nope.
519
00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:54,440
I like to light a candle
on the grave of my brother.
520
00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:56,400
Drunk driver.
521
00:22:56,800 --> 00:22:58,520
Bam! End of story.
522
00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:03,760
My business is doing quite well,
like, unbelievably incredible,
523
00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:04,840
for over a year.
524
00:23:04,880 --> 00:23:06,000
Congrats! That's great.
525
00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:07,896
- We're completely rolling in it.
- You and I...
526
00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:10,720
So, I bought a new condo
since my income was massive.
527
00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:11,800
It was a nice bonus.
528
00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:14,800
[whistling]
529
00:23:19,280 --> 00:23:20,760
You laugh all the time, don't you?
530
00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:25,680
- No, not really, but... [laughs]
- See. Like, right now.
531
00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:27,256
- Well, there we are!
- Now you hear it.
532
00:23:27,280 --> 00:23:28,480
- Yes, I do.
- A bit.
533
00:23:28,560 --> 00:23:29,360
That's so funny!
534
00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:31,400
- [Johanne] Oh, yeah?
- Jeez, mind blown.
535
00:23:31,480 --> 00:23:34,480
[Johanne] I don't mean to sound
hung up on it, but how old are you really?
536
00:23:34,560 --> 00:23:36,440
A human being's true age
537
00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:40,400
is the sum of
the timeless moments in one's life.
538
00:23:40,880 --> 00:23:42,600
Have you seen the musical Cats before?
539
00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:45,720
Have you seen West Side Story,
Miss Saigon, Phantom, Lion King?
540
00:23:45,800 --> 00:23:47,560
Have you had sex IRL before?
541
00:23:48,600 --> 00:23:50,400
- What's that?
- IRL. In real life.
542
00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:53,800
- You mean, like, sex with a guy?
- Uh-huh.
543
00:23:54,640 --> 00:23:56,920
When it comes to size,
how important is that?
544
00:23:57,320 --> 00:23:58,120
Excuse me?
545
00:23:58,200 --> 00:23:59,600
- Size?
- To what are you referring?
546
00:23:59,960 --> 00:24:00,960
Well...
547
00:24:02,560 --> 00:24:03,640
Uh...
548
00:24:04,440 --> 00:24:06,080
- You mean, your penis?
- Uh-huh.
549
00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:07,600
Let's put it another way, shall we?
550
00:24:07,680 --> 00:24:10,720
I'm not a virgin.
I give myself a lot of sex on the regular.
551
00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:13,720
There's no point
in women being obsessed with it.
552
00:24:13,760 --> 00:24:15,280
It's a myth that, down there,
553
00:24:15,360 --> 00:24:18,880
men are supposed to be packing
these enormous meat schlongs,
554
00:24:18,960 --> 00:24:20,440
where you just see it bulging out,
555
00:24:20,520 --> 00:24:23,160
like you're carrying some lethal weapons,
but it's just not true.
556
00:24:23,240 --> 00:24:26,440
Most of the people I meet,
I'm fucking, all the time,
557
00:24:26,520 --> 00:24:27,520
but online.
558
00:24:28,560 --> 00:24:32,280
I had sex with a dragon
just the day before yesterday, so...
559
00:24:33,040 --> 00:24:35,920
Oh, wow.
That's not something you do every day.
560
00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:37,440
No, you don't. But I do.
561
00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:39,000
[Johanne] Oh.
562
00:24:39,120 --> 00:24:40,680
Even those with micro penises
563
00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:43,720
can go on to have mind-blowing sex lives
like other men.
564
00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:45,200
There's barely a difference.
565
00:24:45,280 --> 00:24:48,320
Uh, when I think about it,
I'd say I'm very experienced.
566
00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:51,560
Like, boning, boning, boning,
all the time.
567
00:24:54,400 --> 00:24:56,960
But I haven't
technically done it with a...
568
00:24:58,960 --> 00:24:59,960
[stutters]
569
00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:03,360
- A human being?
- Yeah, yeah, basically.
570
00:25:03,760 --> 00:25:06,720
- [air whistling through man's nose]
- Is your injury work-related?
571
00:25:07,080 --> 00:25:08,920
What are you talking about?
572
00:25:09,200 --> 00:25:10,200
In your nose...
573
00:25:10,440 --> 00:25:11,560
That whistling noise...
574
00:25:12,720 --> 00:25:13,800
I'm whistling?
575
00:25:14,240 --> 00:25:16,400
[air whistling through man's nose]
576
00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:18,880
And then only after
I started working for them,
577
00:25:18,960 --> 00:25:21,480
I realized the bastards
had tried to shorten four grand.
578
00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:23,800
So, how about you? What's your job?
579
00:25:24,840 --> 00:25:26,160
You've asked me that.
580
00:25:26,240 --> 00:25:27,760
I'm a nurse at a hospital.
581
00:25:28,080 --> 00:25:30,840
Awesome, so you're not
freaked out by blood? Oh!
582
00:25:31,320 --> 00:25:32,760
I like a woman who can handle blood.
583
00:25:32,800 --> 00:25:33,800
Super pretty.
584
00:25:34,280 --> 00:25:37,280
Nice. A nurse.
Looks like my mama. Perfect!
585
00:25:38,080 --> 00:25:40,160
I'm not actually into musicals, really.
586
00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:43,960
It's a fantastic world of song and joy.
You just have to open your heart.
587
00:25:44,560 --> 00:25:45,560
Do you dare?
588
00:25:46,040 --> 00:25:50,520
If you want to have sex in the game,
I can make a profile for you.
589
00:25:52,240 --> 00:25:54,360
Then we can bone a dragon or something.
590
00:26:00,160 --> 00:26:01,800
So, find the one?
591
00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:04,040
I don't know about that.
592
00:26:05,440 --> 00:26:06,800
See you. I'll keep you posted.
593
00:26:07,120 --> 00:26:08,880
- Please do.
- [Johanne] Take care.
594
00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:15,280
- Oh! Oh, shoot! Shoot!
- [man grunts]
595
00:26:15,360 --> 00:26:18,280
It's totally my fault. Sorry, sorry.
596
00:26:18,360 --> 00:26:19,960
[man] I should have numbered the pages.
597
00:26:20,280 --> 00:26:23,800
Look, it's alright.
It's not exactly Shakespeare, you know?
598
00:26:25,400 --> 00:26:27,040
So, what is it, then?
599
00:26:28,640 --> 00:26:29,680
It's my master's thesis.
600
00:26:30,080 --> 00:26:31,840
- But you made copies...?
- Uh...
601
00:26:34,360 --> 00:26:35,400
[Johanne] You didn't?
602
00:26:37,160 --> 00:26:38,160
That's ballsy.
603
00:26:38,200 --> 00:26:40,120
Well, the plan was to...
604
00:26:40,920 --> 00:26:43,200
make duplicates using carbon copy paper.
605
00:26:43,960 --> 00:26:46,600
But it turns out,
they just don't carry that anywhere.
606
00:26:46,880 --> 00:26:50,800
The ink for my machine
needs to be specially ordered online.
607
00:26:50,880 --> 00:26:51,880
Specialty ordered?
608
00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:56,400
- Wait, do you mean...?
- Yeah, I'm working on an old typewriter.
609
00:26:56,480 --> 00:26:58,320
It's a Rover 1000.
610
00:27:01,320 --> 00:27:02,320
[Johanne] OK...
611
00:27:02,800 --> 00:27:03,800
[man] I know...
612
00:27:04,960 --> 00:27:07,760
I'm pretty bad when it comes
to modern technology.
613
00:27:08,160 --> 00:27:09,760
It skeeves me out.
614
00:27:09,840 --> 00:27:10,920
No, I feel you.
615
00:27:11,600 --> 00:27:12,600
I'm like that myself.
616
00:27:12,680 --> 00:27:14,160
It might sound weird,
617
00:27:14,240 --> 00:27:18,360
but it feels like I'm giving something
more meaningful to the world
618
00:27:18,440 --> 00:27:20,200
when I write on an analog machine.
619
00:27:21,400 --> 00:27:23,200
- [Johanne laughs]
- What?
620
00:27:24,840 --> 00:27:26,560
Oh, no. It's just...
621
00:27:26,640 --> 00:27:29,280
This all makes me feel
like I'm in a movie.
622
00:27:29,360 --> 00:27:31,480
- Which one?
- It's actually in theatres.
623
00:27:34,880 --> 00:27:38,360
Would you want to go see it with me
one of these days?
624
00:27:40,600 --> 00:27:41,600
I would, yeah.
625
00:27:42,240 --> 00:27:43,240
Yeah?
626
00:27:44,360 --> 00:27:45,360
Is tomorrow fine?
627
00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:50,560
- OK.
- OK.
628
00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:52,920
Good. Oh!
48039
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