Original subtitles

Quick! Burr's gonna...

Keto diet, schmeto diet!

I'm takin' my cheat day!

This was my friend Brian.

He was a comedy writer.

Worked on Modern Family, or...

Or maybe it was that other one on CBS

that's like Modern Family, but it isn't.

He used to ask me if I liked his show.

I always said I did, enthusiastically,

but... but I never saw it, not once.

Even though Brian and I were actually...

Were actually pretty good friends.

I used to water his tomato plants for him when he went on vacation.

I lied.

I lied because...

because I didn't want to be an asshole.

Which made me a liar,

and an asshole.

Keto diet, schmeto diet.

I'm takin' my cheat day.

Keto diet, schmeto diet...

I'm takin' my cheat... ...day!

Keto diet...

Diet...

- Oh! - Whoa!

Ghoulies, mutant animals,

tribes of psychotic teens are all grotesque reflections of who we were.

But we have to... burn it down,

set off that nuke at the cereal factory and start fresh.

I'm gonna take you to some place nice,

like Palm Springs or... Lake Arrowhead.

I'm gonna take care of you.

- Yeah. - Yeah!

To erase Glendale, we're gonna need some help.

Can someone set off this conventional missile for me?

It's a great way to fulfill your service hours.

Anyone?

- You! - Me?

Yeah. Grab a club.

Fuck!

Ahh!

Keep your head down. Relax!

Keep my head down.

Damn it!

Damn it!

The golf team would be really useful right about now.

Hit that bomb. Don't let him down.

It's your time to shine, Fifty-Four.

Okay.

All right. Relax.

Aah!

Oh, shit!

I got everyone outta harm's way

and I had earplugs for all my people.

Safety first.

So we can hear, but you people...

Ah, here we go. Here.

Making pozole with mole

makes me wanna give a culturally appropriate olé!

Oh... Aw, damn it! I had a whole Google slide show!

With gifs!

To explain that I'm taking those kids to be my...

cattle ranch.

But after we leave, I need you to detonate the nuke.

I need you to detonate...

Detonate...

that nuke.

You, that, boom!

Me...

Send in the crone.

- No! - Okay. All right.

I'll do it! I'll do that!

You fucked her?

Hungry.

I...

love you.

I heard that!

I heard that.

I think my hearing's back.

You knew it was confetti?

Hey, Wes! Wesley!

You guys okay?

Wesley, I... I'm really sorry.

We're good.

All good?

All good.

Alright.

Hm.

He's all good, too.

Cool.

No way!

My Official Hamilton The Musical Replica Confetti Pistols!

Did you see my Starlight Express roller skates signed by Lloyd Webber?

Yeah!

Dope.

- Come on! Over here! Yo! - Yeah!

Okay, Burr has Angelica,

an army of Jocks, and a big nuke.

What's your plan?

Is there anything we can't do?

Go, team!

- Principal Burr! - Burr!

You got it, Principal Burr.

Lake Arrowhead, here we come!

Burr! Burr! Burr!

Kids need the strongest leader.

Turbo isn't that anymore.

Hm.

No, no, no, no, no, no! I...

I can't make a plan.

I'm not a leader! I'm just...

I'm just Josh!

I'll be your friend!

No!

- I love you! - Aww!

What's your name?

Guys, look!

Sorry! Sorry!

Thought it was cute.

My bad. Too soon.

I wanna apologize for running away.

We came back to help you fight.

And...

we're not the only ones.

Do you have a plan, Josh?

Well, fuck you, loser!

Oh, shit! My sword!

Those are just kids out there.

The only way we're gonna find answers

and survive is if we stay together!

- He's kicking us out? - I'm sorry!

Don't be a savage! You're above that!

Your skills, Angelica's brains, my swords?

Ain't nothing we can't do together!

- Sam, where are you? - I can't see! I'm bleeding!

Let's save the world!

All right!

Let's hop in!

Come on!

Hi! What the shit?

I'm relatively confident this is gonna end well.

Fighting Baron Triumph

with the surviving members of the JV marching band?

Come on, they don't have to be any good, just loud!

Yeah, see?

Yeah, there we go!

Yes, that makes total sense. Thank you.

Okay! Louder!

- Fuck! Josh! - Yes!

- Over here, man! - Dude! There you go!

This is literally Chinese to me!

- Keep it up! Whoa! - Yeah!

Hey, Josh!

Josh?

Fall in!

Desperta ferro!

Guys. Guys, come on.

Desperta ferro!

Awaken the iron!

It's Catalan, a medieval war cry?

Desperta ferro!

No?

What about...

hike!

Go, you jackasses.

- Is this your plan? - We need an army to fight the Jocks.

I got us an army.

Come on!

Die, you fucker!

Angelica!

You came for me!

- Come on, we have to go. - We can't! The nuke is armed!

Get out there! Get out there! Don't let anybody in!

Go! Go, go, go. Go!

Out. Get out!

Let's go! Come on, let's go!

Fuck!

Mm-hmm.

The instruction manual is in Mandarin.

Do you see anything that says "ramjet to turbo fan"

or "anti-material pathogen"?

Okay. This says um... "Made in Russia."

This says, "Biological Agent."

So, Russia and China teamed up to make America the Ghoulie fool?

No, it's the same all around the world. We don't know who did what.

No! We know it's the adults' fault!

I mean, listen to them!

I wanna get solar panels, but I'mma wait until the price drops.

I have to stay under my mileage for the lease!

It's dark out. No one will see if I don't pick up the dog's poop.

Adults had one stupid job:

to teach us how to be good people.

But adults are the most selfish assholes of all!

And the worst part is

we don't get our chance to grow up

and fuck up the world ourselves!

Fuck you!

Hey... Okay. Then, we'll just unfuck it.

Angelica, you are a Mensa-level genius with flexible morality.

And I need you.

Okay?

I need help.

There's a biological weapon on this nuke!

I don't know what it is.

Ms. Crumble does.

I need her.

Well, where is she?

In there. With the other kids.

I'm gonna get them out.

Josh! Get Ms. Crumble quick!

Triumph is gonna kill you!

He's my responsibility! I let him out of the cage!

Angelica needs Ms. Crumble!

If you can't get her, we're all gonna die!

Shit.

Hyah!

Get him, Crumble!

- Crumble! We need your help! - Stop! Stop, stop! Stop!

We got the wrong asshole.

This is just Josh.

- Josh Wheeler? - Yeah. Yeah.

Present.

Sam. Sam, I want you to know something.

I thought your viral video was just...

It was just fucking awful.

Such a thirst trap.

A very obvious cry for attention.

You have some very serious emotional problems.

Josh?

Come on, come on!

Get up! We know you can't be stabbed!

I saw you, remember? The whole axe thing?

Ah... Aw, come on!

I wanted you to be all confident.

Teenage lovers reunited

after banishing the monster.

You walk off together,

then slowly, I get up behind you

and say something like...

"Where's your hall pass, kids?"

That's kinda lame.

Well, it's a work in progress.

Why'd you stab me if you knew I wasn't gonna die?

It wasn't the sword that was meant to kill you.

It's what's on it.

Peanut butter?

Extra crunchy.

How did you know that I have an allergy?

You told me so yourself.

This is a nut-free campus. I'm sorry that I wasn't clear about that.

Nothing you ever did was about us.

It was always all about you.

Remember: serious allergies don't only affect your fellow students,

but staff as well.

You never know who might be susceptible.

But the Hoyle-Some Cereal Factory is nut-free.

That's why you holed up in here.

I really...

I really wanted to help.

I was... I was trying to prevent you...

from experiencing the pain...

that's to come.

Whoa!

Fuck...

Ooh!

Ew!

Ooh! Easy! Easy, boy! Easy, boy!

Whoa, whoa!

Easy. Easy, easy.

What the fuck is that?

You're so busy fighting each other,

you haven't seen the real threat coming.

Right, Ms. Crumble?

I want to help kids,

not eat them.

You're all alone, Principal Burr.

Hey, Josh...

fuck you.

That's why you don't fuck with those nut allergies!

- I got this one! - Yeah!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Hey, guys! - Hi, Sam!

- Nice jacket! - Thank you, Michael!

Okay, so, if we could all just... relax.

Principal Burr is dead.

- But we need to get Ms. Crumble here... - Hi!

Up there to disarm that nuke...

and save everyone.

Good?

You got it, Sam!

Thank you! Cooperative!

It's a plasmid that transmits DNA and resequences genes.

- Okay. Crazy talk or teacher talk? - This is for reals!

The plasmid and the radiation made Ghoulies.

This missile... made me me.

- Disable the nuke. - I can't!

I've been trying, but the bioweapon and the nuke are coupled.

If I deactivate one, the other will explode.

The way of the samurai is death, but I'm still finna get my Emily Blunt on

before I kiss the infinite.

What? No!

Put that out!

We're on a rocket!

We're on a rocket.

We're on a phallic symbol

filled with fuel, designed by men who wanted to fuck the world!

I got it! Just move. I got it!

Okay.

- We can fire the missile! - Yeah!

Yeah! We can fire it!

And with the fuel left, it can reach the mesosphere.

And hopefully, we'll be fine!

- Okay. Do it! - But...

But what?

It can only be launched manually...

from right here.

I'll do it.

What? No, you'll die!

You'll be incinerated in 5,000 degrees of liquid hydrogen hell.

Silly, I will turn myself into a mist.

Huh? Huh?

No! You can't do that! You're not able to! Okay?

Come on. We have to go and find shelter before it goes off.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Go.

Angelica!

No! I'm not leaving you here! I'm staying with you!

I won't! I won't!

- It's gonna be okay. - No, I won't! No!

Let's go!

Get to the trucks!

I'm sorry.

What are we looking at?

Hey, whoa! Hey!

Okay.

I told you.

What are you?

I don't know.

But aren't we gonna have fun figuring it out together?

Yeah!

Stop playing. Go get her, man.

Yeah. Okay.

Sam!

- Sam! - Hey!

- We did it! - We did it!

We're alive!

Hey, let's go to the mall.

Yeah, I got a spot for us in the furniture store.

It looks like a craftsman home in Montrose.

It can be our little "Happily Ever After."

No.

No?

Yeah, no.

But I love you.

No, you don't!

You love this antiquated notion that I'm a damsel needing to be rescued,

but... that's not my story.

But you left me a note to find you.

Six months in the apocalypse, and you haven't changed a bit.

Still so very earnest.

I fought and struggled,

and I even lost a finger to try to get to you!

And yet you still don't know me!

I mean, I hate craftsman homes!

Okay. What about a mid-century modern?

I'll always be thankful to you, Josh.

When you posted that video, you showed me who I could be.

And who are you?

I'm Sam Dean.

This is my life now.

These are my people, and they need a leader.

They need me.

The apocalypse wasn't the best thing to happen to you, Josh.

It was the best thing to happen to me.

Follow me.

Hoo, hoo, ha!