All language subtitles for Couples Retreat.2009

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What was that?

Honey, are the kids
up? What are they doing?

I peed.

Kevin peed the bed.

Our bed? Uh-huh.

All 500 thread counts
of Egyptian cotton.

- I'm sorry.
- You're sorry?

I don't want you to
worry about it, buddy.

It'll happen again your freshman
year of college, trust me.

No more sodas before bed!

Sit down here. But I like soda.

How you doing, big guy? Good morning.

Let's have a big morning!

Let's start off with a little
breakfast, get our Froot Loops.

Here's Daddy's coffee. And I need it.

Here's your bowl of
fruit, without the loops.

Why no loop?

Daddy doesn't need loops.

I gotta eat it. If I eat a big meal now,

then I can watch what I eat later.

Otherwise, I'll get starved
and raid the refrigerator.

Okay, honey. We've got to hurry up,

'cause we got to go to hockey.

I thought you could do that

because I might try to get a
little bit of work done today.

Honey, we have to go by the
showroom and pick out the tile.

I want you to see it. We
talked about this last week

and I told you how
important today was for me.

I'm Mega Man! May the best team win!

Okay, guys, let's keep it down.

Keep the eyes on the... On the screen.

You guys doing good?
- Yes.

Honey? Yeah.

What do you think? Nickel, brushed
nickel, chrome or brushed chrome?

I like the silver ones.

They're all silver.

Well, great. Pick out whichever
knob that you like, then.

No, I'm not gonna pick
whichever knob I like

because you know what's gonna happen?

Is that I'm gonna pick one
and then you're gonna complain

once they're in and
then it'll be too late.

Hello? Dave, where
the heck have you been?

I'm picking out pulls. Why have
you been calling me nonstop?

Well, you know how my credit's
all screwed up because of my wife?

But you're divorced.

I need you to cosign for my motorcycle.

What motorcycle? I'm
buying a motorcycle.

Shane, you have no money.

Why in the world would you be buying
a motorcycle that you can't afford?

Dave, you're white. You
can't understand this.

This is something different.

Don't play the race
card with me, Froot Loop.

I'll take him in. You
stay with Kevin, okay?

Okay. All right, go ahead.

Have fun, champ. Go get 'em, buddy.

You should see this thing. It's
awesome. Even Trudy loves it.

Who's Trudy?

That's my girlfriend.

Girl from the mall?

She's 20 years old, Dave.

Let's go. Let's move
it. I got bikes to move.

Listen, Shane. You are not buying

some 20-year-old
broad a motorcycle.

I'm not buying her
anything, it's for me!

Daddy, what's taking so long?

Hey, baby, I'm on the phone,

and I would prefer it if you
didn't call me that in public.

But I call all my boyfriends Daddy!

Dave, you gotta do this for me.

Why don't you just lease it?

No, she'll know.

Who will know? She's a kid.

Buy her a Hello Kitty book.

Get her an assignment notebook
and put rainbow stickers in it.

You don't have to buy her a motorcycle.

Did you or did you not say, "Move on"?

I told you to try to work it out.

Joey's the one who told you to move on.

Can you give me a minute?

Try to make it fast, Daddy.

Dave, I'm hurting. I would
love for my wife to come back.

But we know that's not gonna happen.

It's nice to feel appreciated.

I need this for me.

Fine. Just text me the address. Okay?

Pick out a helmet, baby!

Daddy!

So, honey, this is the tile.

It's all gonna happen at once
and I really need you to dial in.

Sweetheart, I'll help you.

I want a sugar cone.

I'm gonna hit you
after this, buddy. Okay.

Honey, you work from 8:00 to 8:00.

You're not gonna be helping anyone.

Hang on, honey, okay?

It's just really busy right now

because the video game ships this month.

Now that I have you, I
just want you to dial in

and tell me what you really think.

It's fine.

Do you love it?

As much as I can love
tile, I love this tile.

Okay, good, 'cause it's $1,000.

Really? Mmm-hmm.

Is that installed?

Nope, just the tile.

Well, what is it made
out of? Whale tusks?

No, it's not made out of whale tusks.

This is so boring.

Give me just one second.
Let me just grab this.

Honey? We have to do this today. Hello?

Hello, Dave. Joey?

Yeah, hey. Look... Just
one second, that's it.

...what are you doing
about the Jason thing?

If it's Joey, can you ask him
if he's coming to the party?

Are you... Are you coming
to the party on Sunday?

Yeah, yeah, I'll be there.

Yeah, he's coming, all right?

Give me one second. Stay with Mom.

One second.

Jason's gonna be calling you, all right?

He's got another one of
his PowerPoint deals that...

Hold on one second. Hello?

Hey, Dave, it's Jason.

Listen, I'd love to put something
on the books with you and Ronnie.

Are you gonna make it to
Kevin's birthday on Sunday?

Yes, I am. Now, listen,
I was hoping that

you guys would come
down here to the firm

because Cynthia and I have
a PowerPoint presentation

that would just play gangbusters
in the conference room.

Okay, okay, hold on one
second. It's ringing.

Hello? Why'd you hang up on me?

I didn't hang up on you. You're on hold.

He's trying to get me to see
another one of his PowerPoint things.

That stuff creeps me out.

It's just how he communicates.

He's... He's, you know...
He's overly efficient.

Well, I don't like
hearing about ball cancer,

let alone looking at diagrams.

Joey, he was scared.

Tell him I'm not going.

I ain't telling him you're not going.

You know, I got him on the other line.

You can tell him yourself. Hold on.

I don't want to... I don't...

Hello, Jason?

Yeah. I got Joey on the line.

Hey, Joey, I've left you

a bunch of voice mail messages
all morning. Where are you?

Listen, I can't make it.

Well, we haven't even
set a time yet, you know.

If you'd listened to the voice mail,

you'd know that this
is just a feeler call

to check your temperature on schedule.

I'm not sitting through another
slide show about ball cancer.

Listen, pal, I'm alive today because
of early detection, all right?

Is this about ball cancer?

"Cause I..
- I'm not into that, either.

I'm gonna wrap this up right now.

and if you two refuse to check
your scrotums for hardened nodules,

I certainly can't force you, can l?

Look, I gotta go, all right? Bye+

Dave, are you still there? Hello, Dave?

Kevin! Kevin, that's not a real toilet!

Sweetheart, he's pissing in
the middle of the whole thing!

Buddy, I gotta go.

But Cynthia and I are willing to
offer you a life-changing opportunity.

Jason, you don't understand.
My son is literally peeing

right in the middle of the
store. I gotta go. Go, go, go.

Okay, but that's not
a real toilet there.

It looks like a real toilet to me.

Yeah, it looks real. Okay.

That's a whole other conversation.

You feel better? Yep.

Okay, let's button those up.
You want me to get those for you?

Yep.

There's not a lot to
say. Sorry about that.

Mom, Dad's home.

Hi, hon.

Hey, how was your day?

Usual. Yours?

Good.

Okay, love you. Bye.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait
a second, wait a second.

You're going out? Yeah, I'm going out.

What are... What are you wearing?

Shorts. Shorts?

That's... That's a Maxi Pad.

Dad, they're designer shorts.
They're French. Goodbye.

Could you just come over
here? Sit down for a second.

I don't have time for this.

Come here. Sit down. No, I'm...

I'm late and they're waiting for me.

I know,

but you still live in my house
for another few months, okay?

Yeah, I know. Now when
you dress like that,

you send signals.

You know what kind of
guy you attract like that?

You attract the guy with the...

With his pants around
his ass at the mall.

No, I don't! Yes, you do.

Sweetheart, he is right.

Lacey, I'm saying you're beautiful.

You're smart. You're a good person.

You just got accepted into Stanford.

We're so proud of you.

I'm just saying know your value, okay?

And if a guy doesn't see
that, he doesn't deserve you.

No, and you don't want to
be with those guys, honey.

Okay, then I'll go change.

Thank you.

And could you change the
pictures on your Facebook page?

Dad.

It's just 'cause we love you.

Love me less.

I don't want any bikini
pictures on the Internet!

When you're living in my
house, you're a Taliban!

Okay? You keep your body a secret.

Except you get to, you know,
go to school and read books.

Did you send the tuition check?

You said you were going to.

Please. Don't start this again.

Yeah, I didn't start with
it. You just brought it up.

You're supposed to send the check.

You said you were gonna do it.

You never do anything
you say you're gonna do.

Eighteen years. Just try to hold it
together for another couple months.

Trust me, I'm counting the days.

Do that hurt, Daddy,
or do that feel good?

It's both. It hurt and it feel good.

Bang, bang.

Did you put in the wide beauty shots?

Yeah.

Are you sure?

Why would you ask me that?

You know I triple-check everything.

Yeah, no, I know. It's just,
you know, super-important, okay?

We only get one shot at it.

It'd just be nice if you could
show me a little bit of trust.

I do. Come on, I do, I do. I just
want this to be perfect, that's all.

It's not about trust. Come on.

I want it to be perfect, too.

Good.

How old is she?

I think she's 20. He
met her at the mall.

She was working at Foot Locker.

He was so in love with Jennifer.

I am shocked he met someone so quickly.

I know. I was hoping they
were just taking a break.

I haven't even heard from
her since they split up.

I think he got us in the
divorce. You want more wine?

Cynthia, it's time. We're
all set up in the bedroom.

Great. Ladies?

You're kidding, right? No, it's easy.

We brought our own screen.

You can't do it right now.

We're in the middle of
my son's birthday party.

It won't take long and I know
you"re gonna be really excited.

Bring your booze.

Okay, then.

We're taking the wine.

Watch this, guys. Watch.
This is a really spooky ball.

Just, could you please put
the ball cancer video on?

I'm trying, Joey.

Please. I don't want to
watch that ball cancer video.

Where's Trudy?

Oh, she's watching the magician.

Well, there it is. Okay.

This is not a video and it
is not about ball cancer.

Thank God. That,s a first.

Jason and I are seriously
considering getting a divorce.

Okay? So, it's no secret

that Cynthia and I have had our problems

trying to conceive
over the last 12 months.

That's no reason to get a divorce.

No.

We know. Of course not.

But suffice it to say, it's been
more than taxing on both of us,

and it's forced us to question
our entire relationship.

You two are perfect for each other.

We're just not so sure
about that anymore.

We're not in a good place.

Now, this is not a decision
that we're taking lightly.

Cynthia and I have been
together for eight long years.

And if it's not meant to be,

we just don't want to waste
any more of each other's time.

Yeah. Because, if we do get divorced,

it will take at least six months

to go through the five stages of grief.

For the sake of argument,

let's optimistically assume it takes
six months to find compatible mates.

Tack on another 12 months for courtship,

an additional six months
for attempting procreation...

You can see how this starts to stack up.

Sounds like you guys are really
working from the heart on this one.

Well, we're lost, Dave,

and so what we need to do is we
need to take the next two weeks

and we need to find out whether
we're gonna push forward,

or whether we're gonna fold up shop.

And that is why we are going to go here.

You're on, Cyn.

Welcome to Eden. Okay? The
ultimate playground for couples.

It's got fun, it's got sun.
It's Disneyland for adults.

Wow. That is amazing.

Yeah, you guys are gonna have a blast.

Actually, we have found
a great group rate.

Oh, there's the fine print.

No, now... Now, Joey, you know, just...

The embarrassing fact is that, you know,

Cynthia and I can't afford to
go to this place by ourselves,

but if all of us go
together, it's half-price.

It's called the Pelican Package.

Okay? It's six nights, seven
days and it's all inclusive.

And there are quite a few
activities you can choose from.

Who here likes to eat?

I know you guys do. I sure do.

Right? Boom!

Why not do it at a
four-star restaurant?

You guys, it has a
state-of-the-art spa.

Ah. Mmm-hmm.

They've got your kayaking,
they've got your windsurfing,

they've got your canoeing,

they've got your jet skiing. Wow.

It's got Couples Skill
Building and snorkeling...

Who, whoa, whoa. Back up.

What was that last thing?

Snorkeling?

No, no. Before snorkeling
and after jet skiing,

you said, "Couples Skill Building."

That sounds like therapy to me.

See, that's gonna be a problem.

We don't believe in therapy. No.

Hell to the no.

Then you don't have to do it.

That's the great thing about
the Pelican Package, you guys.

It really includes everything.

Obviously, Jason and I want to partake

in the Couples Skill Building,

but you guys can just do the fun stuff.

So what are we asking?

We're asking for you
guys to fly to paradise

and have an awesome time, okay?

I mean, this... Come
on, it would be a blast.

Jason, I got a job,

and with everything that's going on with
the house and with the kids right now,

it would be impossible
for us to leave them.

Yeah, we can't.

When was the last time you
two took a vacation? Hmm?

I mean, don't you want to go
to this island and have fun,

together, as a couple?

What kind of question is that?

That's like asking Richard Simmons,

would he rather stuff his face
or skip around to the oldies.

Of course he'd rather stuff
his face, but he can't,

'cause he's... He's got
to stay thin so he can...

So he can get up and do his
thing and... And make videos.

Maybe he needs the money. Maybe
he's got a gambling problem!

I don't know what goes
on in that dude's head!

And I'd love to go to that
island, but I can't, either.

Not 'cause I got to make videos like
Rich, but I got other obligations.

Listen, I can really appreciate
the situation that you guys are in.

Right, well, we need
to know by midnight.

We've been on the wait list forever

and these slots just opened up.

We'd need to leave next week.

Next week?

That's right.

What happened to spontaneity?
What happened to fun?

I don't know. Why don't we
have a PowerPoint presentation

on spontaneity and fun
and figure that one out?

Look, Cynthia and I
need this trip, okay?

I mean, really. You
know, the problem is,

you know, we've stopped having fun

and we're not even sure we
know how to anymore, okay?

So, what we need to find out
is can we get back to the place

where we really enjoy
each other, you know?

Can we get back to the place
of, you know, being in love?

Cynthia's IM-ing me.

Jason was IM-ing me all night.

What'd you tell him?

I logged off.

The place did look beautiful.
You know what it made me think?

It'd kind of be like we got
to take our honeymoon, finally.

God, yeah.

That'd be great.

Really?

Yeah.

Don't you think? I mean, I don't
know, maybe it's a girl thing.

When you're a little girl,

you dream about your
wedding and your honeymoon...

You know.

I was pretty lucky to
get that job right away.

Yeah, of course.

I mean, I can't even imagine...

Living in your dad's
basement any longer? No.

It's funny how time goes so fast.

That doesn't seem that long ago.

No.

Seems like we just had so much going on

and we have ever since,

but maybe the thing to do is just really

buckle down over these next six months

and then when we come up
for air, we'll go somewhere.

That sounds like a plan.

Dave? Did you hear that?

Go back to bed, honey.

What's going on?

I think there's someone outside.

Okay, I'll check it out.

Honey, be careful.

Freeze! Do not move!

Hey, don't... No, it's me, it's
me, it's me! It's me! It's Jason!

What's going on?

It's fine, honey, it's Jason.

Hello!

Why didn't you call?

Didn't want to wake you up.
Sorry, blew that. Back to bed.

Are you crazy? I could've
blown your head off!

What does that say about you, huh?

Rapists don't gently toss
pebbles at the window, Dave.

Wait, can you let me figure it out,
please? There's too much going on.

Turn it off!

It costs money every
time this thing goes off.

Hello? Yeah, everything's
fine. I'm sorry.

The password is
"ass-tastic." That's right.

"Ass-tastic." One word.
"Ass-tastic." "Ass-tastic." It's...

A-S-S-T-A-S-T-I-C.
Okay? Ass-tastic.

That's right, it's... Okay.
Yeah. No, thank you. We're fine.

l... Yes, thank you.

Didn't want to go with the pet's name?

What are you doing here, dude?

What do you think I'm doing here?

Jas, you're showing up to my
house in the middle of the night.

Dave. You're breaking and
entering. You're on tilt.

Yeah, I know, I'm losing my mind.

This... The whole fertility doctor
thing is just an absolute disaster.

We don't communicate anymore.
We're fighting all the time.

We... The only time we have sex is,

you know, when she's ovulating,

and even then, it's
cold. It's emotionless.

It's... I don't know.

Like an oil derrick.

We used to be very,
very spontaneous at that.

Now, it's... I don,t know.

Twice a week, tops.

That's a lot.

Is it? How often do you do it?

It's different now, 'cause
we got the kids, so...

So?

Well, my son falls
asleep in the bed with us.

That shouldn't stop you.

That's disgusting.

I'm not saying he
should tickle your balls.

Just move him into his
room when he falls asleep.

Jason. I can really appreciate
what you're going through,

but, man, this couldn't
come at a worse time.

There's just no way
that we can pull away

from everything and go right now.

I'm sorry, but there's just
no way we can go on the trip.

I'm just scared, you know. Just scared.

You know, my whole life,
everything I've known about it

for the last eight years might be over,

and, you know, I'm
prepared to face that,

you know, if it,s for the best.

If, you know... If it's not
there anymore, then, you know,

I'll face it. I don't
want to do that alone.

And I know that Cynthia
doesn't want to do that alone.

You know, we'd just... We'd
love to have our friends there.

You know that if you go,
everyone else will go.

And I have never asked you for anything.

But I am asking you for this, Dave.

Daddy?

Hey, guys, the alarm
was just an accident.

You can go back to bed.
It's just Uncle Jason.

Okay, guys. It's fine. Let
me take you back to bed.

We want you to go on your trip.

We heard you talking at the party

and you said you
couldn't go because of us.

We don't want you guys to get a divorce.

What?

What are you talking about,
honey? We're not getting a divorce.

But we just want you to be happy.

Guys, we are happy.

We're very happy, honey.

Were you guys listening to
Uncle Jason's slide show?

Thank you, buddy. That's great.

That was adult time.

And why do you think they
were listening, Jason?

I'm sorry about that.

We want you to go, so we called
Grandpa to come take care of us.

You called Grandpa?

You called him tonight?
It's a three-hour drive.

Grandpa's coming to babysit us.

Is Grandpa driving down here now?

Yay! Grandpa Jim Jim's here!

You know, this has
gotten way out of hand.

I'm sorry. I just... I wanted five
minutes of your time. I'm so sorry.

You got... You got kids, you got guns,

you got grandpas that, you know...

You got to explain infertility
and divorce and all that,

and so you got a lot of
parenting to do tonight.

I'm gonna go. I'm gonna
let myself out right here.

I will, however, take the fact that

Grandpa Jim Jim's at the front
door as a firm, tentative yes.

Pack lots of shorts.
It's really hot there.

You're gonna sweat your
bag off. Night-night, kids!

Hi. Welcome.

Thank you.

This place is beautiful.

Look. Hi, hello.

Holy shit, this looks like
a screen saver! Thanks.

Seems like he might be kind
of the guy. Come on, gang.

Hi, we are the Smith
party. Party of eight.

Eight for Smith.

Jason Smith?

That's me.

Welcome to Eden.

My name is Sctanley. Spelled with a "C".

I will be escorting you
to the Eden West resort.

Please, step aboard our shuttle.

No need to take your bags. They will
be waiting for you in your villas.

Excuse me. Sorry. Is this the
shuttle for the Eden resort?

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's the shuttle.

Raq, she's still a little
buzzed from the flight.

Man, totally. Me, too. I
don't even know what I'm doing.

Excuse me. What name are your
reservations booked under?

The San Diego Dance Academy.

Wow.

Ah. You ladies are actually travelling

on this shuttle, to Eden East.

Bummer. Bye.

See you. Bye.

Bye.

Would you care to join your wife?

Let's do it. Shall we?

Are they going some place else?

Eden East. It is an
entirely different resort.

It's beautiful.

And the luggage is
already in there, huh?

Yeah. This is yours.

Unbelievable.

The 101.
- Wow.

And we can jump right
out into this here?

You can do whatever you like.

Wow.

Look at the water.

Please. Thank you.

Wow. Wow.

I'm gonna check the bedroom. Okay, baby.

Look at this, baby.

Oh, my God. Look at this.

Welcome to your villa.

It keeps getting better, huh?

It's like a little love hut.

Wow.

This is insane!

Honey, they got fish that you
can see here through the floor!

Baby, they got a hole
where you can see the fish!

Yeah, they got fish in here, too, baby!

Jason, this is dreamy.

Baby, you can jump right
in the ocean on this thing,

and they got a hot tub on the deck!

They got the ocean and
they got the hot tub!

You can dive in the ocean
and you got a hot tub!

Yeah, they got a hot tub in here, too!

Oh, my God. Yo, I gotta
take a picture of this.

Did I tell you? Did
I deliver? Oh, my God.

She ain't never seen nothing like this.

I roll like this! Shit, yeah!

I'm glad you like, sir.

I be rolling like this.

So what goes on over
there? I hear there's music.

Is a party for single
woman and men, sir.

Yes. How do l get over there?

No, you cannot. You can
take the boat if you want,

but not for you. Okay,
when's the boat? Not for me.

No, because you got married here,

the west coast to Eden Resort
so that's why you must keep here.

I don't understand what you're
saying. You sound like Chewbacca.

Well, my instinct is
to stay married to her,

but what do you think I should do?

I mean, do you get a good vibe
from us or not-so-good vibe?

I don't know, sir.

What about this room, in particular?

You've checked a lot
of people into this room

and checked a lot of people out.

Do they usually leave
happier or less happy?

I really don't know, sir.

How do I get over to the party?

By boat or by taxi boat.

Okay. I'd like to arrange
a boat or a taxi boat.

No, it's not possible for you.

Must to stay here with your wife.

Okay, so how do I...

Fish!

Hello.

Where's the television? The main house.

There's no TV in the
room? No, not possible.

But it's the playoffs.

As an alternative to television,

might I recommend a stroll
to the hidden waterfall?

Might you recommend
putting honey in my ears

and having me fall asleep on an anthill?

It's the playoffs.

Honey, the waterfall sounds
amazing. A little romance.

You'll find that the Eden program
creates a palace of solitude,

if you just give yourself over to it.

How's the cell service here?

Monsieur Marcel believes that
technology is a distraction.

Well, how about tipping,
would that be a distraction?

I'm kidding you.

Tipping is not permitted,
nor is money of any kind.

Everything here in Eden is free.

Really?

We do, however, accept smiles.

Did you guys hear what
they have in the spa?

With the snow?

Did you know that they have a
steam, a rain, and a snow room here?

It's a new European spa.

What's a wahoo?

It's a fish.

I don't eat fish.

It's out of this world.
They catch it right here.

I used to work at Red Lobster,

so I know what they do with
them fish in the kitchen.

But, baby, this is not like the Red
Lobster. It's a four-star restaurant.

I don't give a shit! It's
still Mexicans cooking that shit

and I know what they do to it!

I'm one-twelfth Latina, and
even if I wasn't, I'm 100% human,

so I don't appreciate
comments like that.

I don't make fun of tu
la raza, so porfavor,

please, don't make fun of mi la raza-

Oh, I'm sorry, boo. I
didn't mean no disrespect.

Yo, I was with mad Mexicans
before Shane, anyway.

Good evening. I trust
you're all settled in.

Hey, my main man!

Are you in the mood
to accept some smiles?

"Cause this spread is phenomenal.

Why don't you join us for a
drink? You want to pull up a chair?

We'll order some shots.

You might want to go easy on
those. You have an early morning.

Quite the contrary.

I don't have an early morning,

'cause I tell you what's
gonna go down tonight.

I am going to get just
a little bit tipsy.

And then I'm gonna go ahead and
stuff my face on the Seafood Tower,

and I plan on shutting
it down in a big way.

l, if everything goes
well, will be in my room,

passed out on my face, come lunch-ski.

Well, I'm afraid that
isn't going to be possible.

I'm here to present
you with your itinerary.

Fantastic. You guys hear that?

This is a hard copy thing, too.

This is not like... This isn't like

a piece of paper with an itinerary.

No. This is like a book.

Thanks. And the journey begins.

Couples Skill Building at 6:00 a.m.?

Yeah, see, I was
planning on sleeping in,

and then maybe hitting the jet skis.

That is not part of your immediate
program here at Eden West.

But it was in the slide show. Uh-huh.

That would be more
appropriate at the Eden East.

What's Eden East?

The singles' resort.

Singles" resort?

Here at the Eden West, our
focus is on renewing bonds

and nurturing neglected partnerships.

And what's your focus over there?

Sex, mostly.

Freeing inhibitions.

I'm sure if we play our cards right'

we'll be having plenty
of sex here on our side.

Am I wrong, gang?

I spent three years of
therapy with Jennifer,

talking about our
feelings and our problems,

trying to hold onto our marriage.

The last thing I want to do is talk.

Look, I think there's been
a misunderstanding here.

See, we signed up for the fun stuff,

with the touchy-feely
shit being optional.

Thank you.

I think it's called the Pelican Package.

Yes, the Pelican Package,

which is monsieur
Marcel's signature course.

Great.

A healthy combination of
couple-friendly activities,

ample down time... That's the one.

...sprinkled in with some
Couples Skill Building courses,

designed to reignite the dimming flames

of even the most
mismanaged relationships.

Okay, see, these relationships
are not mismanaged.

Well, thank you, Dave. Yes.

Yeah. I'm just saying
we're here to have some fun,

so we are excited about
the couples' activities,

as well as some down time.

It's the flame-lighting thing
that does not have us inspired.

That's more suited for
this particular couple here.

I don't think you're
quite understanding me.

Monsieur Marcel's Pelican Package

is not a fast-food restaurant wherein

you pick what you want from a menu.

Monsieur Marcel is the
single most-recognized

couples whisperer in the entire world.

Couple whisperer?

He has studied
psychology, yoga, tai chi,

The Art of War, and combined
them to form this place, Eden.

The Mecca for couples. Mmm.

He has designed a program
specifically for you.

You either partake of the
entire meal or have none of it.

I think you're being a little
extreme here, Mr. Belvedere.

We have a very long waiting list.

If there's been some
kind of misunderstanding,

I'd be happy to refund your
money, and you can go on your way.

We will, however, not be
able to refund your airfare.

No, it's just that we were excited

about the sightseeing and the hiking

and the jet skiing and
the snorkeling. It's...

Well, there are plenty of places

that provide those activities.

Perhaps this troupe
might be more comfortable

at a Sandals or a Club Med.

This here is monsieur Marcel's Eden.

Now, if you're not at Couples
Skill Building by 6:00 a.m.,

I'll take that as you want your refund

and will not be completing the program.

Screw him! Where does he get
the ass to run down Sandals?

Sandals rocks.

It's just one little
thing we have to do.

It'll be over in a few hours and
then we have fun the rest of the day.

You know, let's just
not forget why we came.

This is not what we signed up for!

This is not what we signed up for.

I don't remember ever
seeing 'mandatory,"

but, listen, we just go with it.

Now we're on Han's Island about
to do the thing with Bruce Lee.

Guys, guys, I don't think
there's any reason to overreact

right off the bat, okay?

Obviously, the meal is included,

from what he said, so
let's just sit here,

we'll weigh the pros and cons from
a calm place, we'll make a decision.

That was amazing.

Oh, might have been the
best meal I've ever had.

Well, could be a full week of those.

What are you doing? Your last course.

Dessert.

It is so beautiful here. I can't
wait to go see that waterfall.

The weather is perfect, we got huts
on the water, and now I am eating art.

So we give up a little bit of
our day to talk about feelings.

How bad can it really be, right?

Welcome to Eden Resort.

I am Marcel.

Hi. Morning.

I know why you are all here.

You are here to seek the answer

to the most commonly
asked question by all,

how do we make it work?

How?

I have laid out a personalized program

designed to challenge you all,

both as couples and as individuals.

If you follow diligently my program,

the answer to this question
will be revealed to you,

as well as your inner animal spirit.

This I promise.

I do not, however, promise
that you and your chosen partner

will have what it takes to sustain it.

Please, line up on the beach.

Take your places.

Out here?

This way. Men on one
line, facing the ocean.

Women, back to the water.

Now remove your mask.

Undress!

Oh. All right.

It's a freeing exercise.

This is starting to
get a little creepy now.

It'd mean a lot to me if you"d just
take your pants off, all right, Dave?

Is that why you brought me here?

This is... What is this?

You must undress, my friend.

I'm afraid that's not a option
for me today, you know, man.

It's the program.

Right. I don't have any drawers, though.

Well, Sctanley said he had this
conversation with you last night.

Now, if you've chosen to stay,
you've chosen to participate.

Now, if you're not wearing any drawers,

then, hey, that was meant to be.

Let it all hang out.

Explore. Explore with your eyes.

Explore your mate.

We are all made in God's image.

That means we are all perfect.

Stand with pride. Look
closer. Own your bodies.

And now, tell your partner
a truth. A beautiful truth.

You look like the earth.

What?

Why are you listening
to what I'm saying?

Why don't you have
your own conversation?

It's hard to have my own conversation
when you're telling Cynthia

that she looks like the earth.

Did you hear what I said?

Yeah. I'm not really
sure I like that one.

Well, I just mean that, you
know, you look bountiful. Okay?

Fruitful. Fertile.

Okay. Now this is getting uncomfortable.

Please, make a palace of solitude
between you and your partner.

Why are you wearing trousers?

I explained to the guy in the dress

that I didn't have any drawers on.

Yes, but this exercise
is about owning your body.

Mmm.

What is your name, dear?

Trudy.

Trudy. What a beautiful name.

Please, tell him that you love his body.

For real? Yes.

I love your body.

Really?

Of course! So powerful, so strong.

Powerful frame with layer upon
layer of dormant, relaxed muscle,

waiting, like a panther, to
pounce on its quivering prey.

Please, take off his pants. Yes.

I'm not ready to pounce today.

Yes.

I don't have any drawers.
No. No. Right here, baby.

It's okay. It's okay. Hair!

Sorry, I'm sorry. Careful.

Here it comes. Here it comes.

Wonderful! Stare at
it! Stare at all of it.

Is his junk out?

Yep.

Is his junk literally out of his pants?

Yep.

Now it's a party.

How would you describe
your relationship?

Average. Great, yeah.

Great. Average. I mean, yeah.

And, to clarify, what is an
"average, great" relationship?

Well, we... We make it through
things pretty good together.

You know, we have two great kids.

No one's called 911 in
the middle of the night.

Like there's not domestic
violence in the... The... Yeah.

Ronnie, when you say you 'make
it through things together,"

what do you mean?

Well, you know, the
usual stuff. Work, kids.

I'm much less interested
in "the usual stuff"

and much more interested
in your particular stuff.

So, what do you make it
through together, specifically?

Well, right now, specifically,

Dave is dealing with his new launch

of his video game, Guitar Hero.

He sells Guitar Hero.

And I am dealing with the renovations.

That's interesting.

What's interesting?

Why do you keep writing stuff
down on your little pad there?

Oh, I'm taking notes.

Would it make you more
comfortable if I didn't take notes?

Yeah, actually, it would
make me more comfortable.

Thank you.

That's interesting.

So we want to make the most
of our time here on the island,

so what we did was we put together
a little informational packet

to bring you up to speed
on our relationship.

Go ahead. That's for you.

It just contains pertinent medical data,

family histories, you
know, stuff like that.

Everything but a mix tape.

How would you
characterize your marriage?

Perfect.

Fantastic.

Well, let's start with
something easy, then.

What's your favorite
thing about your partner?

Uh...

She's a good mom.

He really is a great dad.

And where did you meet?

School. High school. High school. Yeah.

She was a cheerleader
- I was on the football team. Fullback.

I coach now, but I used to play.

And we had... We actually
had our daughter... We...

On prom night, we conceived Lacey

and it was a little confusing at
the time, but it's been a blessing.

It's been the best thing
that's ever happened to us.

It's been the best thing
that ever happened to us.

We did the right thing.

How often do you have sex?

She wants me to be
tougher, screw harder.

Work less, but bring home more.

I can't keep this shit straight.

All I know is, whatever I
do, it's not good enough. Mmm.

It's over.

Then why are you here?

This is not my wife. This is
Trudy. I met her a couple weeks ago.

Can we go boogie boarding now?

And once people knew what
we were going through,

I think my cortisol levels
just shot up through the roof.

Because it's difficult to go through

a very private struggle publicly.

I heard what you think,

but you know what I'm
really interested in

is hearing about how you feel.

Just tell her how you feel.

Well, I think if you
looked at everything that...

No, no, no, no. Just... Don't
explain intellectually how you feel.

You know, just tell her
how you feel. In one word.

Sure.

Angry.

Cynthia?

Judged.

Very good.

Yes? Progress.

Excited.

Relieved.

That is it. Yeah.

We're awesome at feelings!

Okay. Nice job today, guys.

That's all for today? Great
job. That's all for today.

All right, well, great. Yeah.

How did we do? Did we do good?

I mean, are we gonna make it?

Well, you know, it's just
our first session, you know.

We're not looking for an end
result here. It's not a competition.

I get all that, but have you seen
couples that are worse off than us?

Yeah. Or are we that far gone?

We're... Are you gonna put a...
Like a numerical value on it?

You know, Doc? Like a one to 10?

One being worst, 10 being best?

No, hang on one second.
Where would you put us?

Right where you are, sir.

What if someone put a gun to
your head right now and said,

"You have to answer this
second or I'll shoot.

"Are they gonna make
it?" What do you say?

What would you say?

Whoa! Okay, no one has a
gun to my head, Mr. Smith.

It's hypothetical.

It's not a place for
inappropriate behavior.

And you definitely don't pull a
hypothetical gun on your therapist.

Sorry.

It's okay.

Let's clear the karma. Okay?

I'll holster this.

See, you know, I work 10 hours a day,

so by the time I come
home, I'm exhausted.

It's not that I don't want to answer
questions about the house renovation.

I really just don't want to
answer questions about anything.

But, you know, you may just
be shutting your mind off,

but it can feel like you're
shutting your partner off as well.

Again, that's a caution area.

And just as a point of interest,

when you speak that way, David,

you're really
de-prioritizing your teammate.

Excuse me?

It's called "crossing
emotional boundaries."

Or, more commonly,
"bulldozing." And it's ugly.

Ronnie, when you spoke earlier of...

Let me just find it in my notes here.

There it is+ You said, "We make
it through things well together."

That doesn't sound very fun.

You don't want to look back and
say, "I made it through my life."

We want to enjoy our
projects, enjoy our work week.

We want to enjoy our
lives, celebrate our lives.

And all this talk about my project

and his work, and my this and his that,

and mine and his, and
mine and... It,s...

Where's us in all that?

Where is our journey? I don't hear it.

And it's because it's not there.

Listen. I'm not saying that there's not

some really stressful times sometimes,

because there is, but it works for us.

Does it?

I don't know.

Oh, gosh, I don't know, you guys.

There's no "us." There's no "we."

You two could be perfect strangers.

I think the one thing that
we can agree on, today,

is that you guys should be doing
a lot better than just "works."

Pretty sure that's why you're here.

Oh. That's it. Great. Great
job, everybody. Thank you.

Lucy?

Good day, sir. I got room
service for you. I'm very sorry.

I didn't order that.

I think your wife,
she called me for you.

I'm...

This is just... Because I got a sunburn,

'cause it was... The sun
was very strong today.

Yeah. I know. This is
good for sunburns, right?

No. Okay.

It's good, yeah?

It's good for sunburn?

Okay, so I don't see anything.

See what? There's nothing to see.

Yeah, yeah, no, no, no. It works great.

Okay, I move now. No. That was.
- That was...

There's nothing to move.
I... I was... I had a sunburn.

Good night, sir.

Now we will enjoy looking at the fish!

See and take in with your eyes

all the beauty the ocean has to offer!

As these new things come at you,

you may not have seen them before,

but be open to them and
find the beauty within.

Hey, buddy. Yep.

Thanks a lot for bringing
me to Problem Island.

What are we gonna do for an encore?

Talk about all the people that we
slept with before we were married

and really stir shit up?

What the hell are you talking about?

The therapist is trying
to create a problem

in my marriage that doesn't exist!

Maybe he's not creating them,
maybe he's just noticing them.

Okay, you know what?
Don't start with me.

I'm serious. I don't need it.
These are the best in the world

at what they do, all right?

If Jeff Gordon told you
that your oil was low,

you might want to
think about changing it.

From the bucket, feed them!

My therapist is kind of pushy.

Really? Yeah.

God, I like ours.

Yeah, he said that Dave and
I take each other for granted.

That, you know, our relationship
has become more like a job.

How do you mean?

For example, he says that
Dave is de-prioritizing me,

that he doesn't pay attention
to what I actually want.

Yeah, but, honey, that's just
Dave being Dave, you know?

Yeah.

But so then, what if Dave
being Dave is sort of like

Dave bulldozing me?

Please continue to look at the fish!

Enjoy them as they come at you!

I get it, dude, it's
advanced snorkeling.

Dave... Hey, I'm trying
to do this exercise!

Why don't we talk about
this during down time, okay?

This might be what the
therapist is referring to.

You're missing out on life.

It's happening right now, out
here, all around us, all right?

And you're too busy
complaining about your problems

to enjoy all these beautiful
little fish that are...

Marcel!

Yes?

Marcel, we have a real problem here!

It is not a problem!
It is a circle of life!

The circle of life is
circling our lives right now!

Do not move, do not panic.

Shark! What?

Shark! Jason!

Okay, it's all happening, Marcel!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God...

Don't worry! Wait!

These are only lemon sharks!

This is all part of the course.

It is like life. Like in relationships.

They will not attack
unless they feel attacked!

Marcel, I need you to take
the French out of your mouth

and tell me what to do!

Don't let them see your fear.

Okay, I think we just hold
tight, we play it cool,

we don't make a move.

What was that? What?

What was that? Jason, stop...

He said not to panic!
He said not to panic!

I'm sitting in blood!
I'm sitting in blood!

Marcel, this isn't a drill, buddy!

You got real sharks here!
It's time to get the guns'

and it's time to shoot some fish!

Here on Eden, there are no guns!

You got an American life at stake.

One life is not more
important than another.

What do I do?

My friends and my wife left me to die.

You must get out of
the chum, but slowly.

Okay.

Swim slowly out of the chum!

Slowly. Slowly. Yes, yes.

Slowly, baby! Stop!

I don't know what to do.

I don't know if I'm standing
still or I'm swimming.

Swim now! Stop!

They're torturing me!
They're playing with me!

They're slow-playing me! Shoot them!

Swim slowly.

Swim, swim, swim.

Save yourselves! Go to
shore! It's too late!

They've got me! It's
only a matter of time!

There's no sharks around you,
honey. You're safe now, baby.

I don't know what's going through
my mind! I'd love some ice cream.

What? I'd love some ice cream,

with maybe some pecans in it!

Couples' massage is part of
your program and so important.

It gives you the chance
to bond, relax, reconnect.

We prefer to bond on our own.

Okay, would you prefer
male or female therapists?

What would you recommend more for like
a nurturing, pampering, motherly energy?

Would that be a man or
a woman, do you think?

A woman.

Well, I'm just so tight in my
shoulders. Do you have any...

Let me see.

We do have a male
masseur available, madam.

Daddy, I can't wait to
get my drink on tonight!

Damn! Is this whole thing
uphill? Where's the downhill part?

We gonna get our groove
on tonight. Right, Daddy?

Of course, baby. You know how we do it.

Well, hello.

Hi.

Lucy.

Yes.

Excellent.

Who are you?

I am Xavier and I will be
your man-seur for today.

Xavier?

Yes.

Mmm.

Twenty, 30, 40, 50...

Hi.

Joey.

Yes.

What's your name?

Gert.

What a beautiful name.

Well, thank you.

Do you mind if I heat up the lotion?

No. Heat that lotion up.

The hotter the better.

What kind of massage do
you want? You left it blank.

Korean?

Korean? I am not familiar with Korean.

Dealer's choice. Whatever
releases the most tension.

Mmm.

Oh, that feels so good.

Thank you.

I can't tell you how much I need
this. It has been a long time.

Oh, I love pleasuring people.

So do l.

I mean, it's not my job,

but it is a job that I love
doing, if you know what I mean.

I know exactly what you mean.

So, Joey, do you have any problem areas?

I hold a lot of tension
in my upper thighs.

We'll get to your upper thighs.

It's just the top of my quads.

As a matter of fact,
if you want to do, like,

the full 80 minutes on
the thighs, I'm good.

Whatever you want.

Oh, I need this. You have no idea.

Oh, you got great hands.

Okay, Joey, what I want you to
do for me is just close your eyes.

Quiet that mind, okay?

Just listen to my voice.

Feel the sound slide down my throat

and come out through my mouth.

Down my throat, come
out through my mouth.

Down my throat...

Keep... Keep going, keep going.

Sir, I'm so sorry.

No, no, no. Don't be sorry.
You shouldn't be sorry.

No, I aroused you.

You should be proud.

This hasn't happened
to me in a long time.

Are you attempting to have a
manual stimulation from me, sir?

Am I...

I am here on a couples retreat
with my wife in the other room.

My husband Scott is just like a cat.

Scott?

My husband.

I'm trying to save my marriage
here. Look what you did to me.

Well, that wasn't my intention, sir.

It wasn't mine, either,
and now I'm humiliated.

Well, I'm sorry.

You told me not to think.

Well, when I don't think,
this is what happens.

You can't leave me all
backed up like this.

What do you want me to do, sir?

I don't know. We got to
figure out a solution.

You know, let's not take
anything off the table.

Let's start brainstorming. We"re
both in a maze together, okay?

How do we get the cheese?

I'm sorry, sir, but that is
not gonna have a happy ending.

Give me the oil.

Go grab a smoke.

Daddy, this is awesome!

Yo, they should put me up
in a video on this bitch!

Don't go chasing waterfalls

Stick me in the ocean I'm
gonna make it look real good

You go, girl.

Daddy's got to ice his knee, baby, okay?

If you just let me recharge my battery,

I promise, this'll be
more for you later, okay?

Technically, I was bit by a shark.

Were you bit or were you nipped?

I mean, if you had been bit,

you probably would have lost
a great deal of blood and...

What difference does it
make to you two, anyway,

what you would call it?

It hurt. And I had shark
teeth penetrate my skin.

And besides, Jason, it's
your fault that it happened.

The only reason I got
bit in the first place

is because you did the worst thing

you could possibly do in that situation.

You panicked and you threw
a bucket of chum in my face.

I did the prudent thing and I
got the hell out of the water.

There were sharks in there,
David. What was I supposed to do?

You know what? Remember
it however you want to

and I'll remember it
how it actually happened.

Dave. I mean, really, did
they penetrate your skin?

Do you really need that bandage?

Lucy, I don't know
what to tell you, okay?

You tell me if I need the bandage.

It looks like you scraped
yourself on the ladder,

maybe, on the way out.

I'm sorry?

Did you get out of the water abruptly?

Hey, I don't know how to explain
it to you. Maybe I have tough skin.

Perhaps lemon sharks don't
leave that bad of a mark.

Maybe they're pack animals

and they're marking me
for later. I don't know.

Dave, I was in a car
accident once, okay?

And it was really scary, I
had nightmares. But when...

I've been in a car accident, too.

Have you ever been bit by a shark?

I was never bit by a shark. I'm
just saying that I understand. My...

Say it again. I was in a car accident.

No, say the last part.

I was never bit by a shark.

That's it! Then you
shouldn't talk about it.

And I'm not gonna sit here
and try to explain myself

to a bunch of black
and white suburban trash

who don't know a damn
thing about the ocean.

And you understand the ocean, honey?

I have some real field
experience, honey, yeah.

I had a shark attack.

I'm part of a very elite group.

Like people who have
been struck by lightning.

Not everyone can say
that they've had that

and maybe that's what's
going on here today.

You know what? I don't want
to get in an argument with it.

I really don't. You know what?

I'm really exhausted.
It's been a long day.

I'm gonna go back to the
room. You want to come with me?

Baby, I thought we were gonna
go to the waterfall tonight

and have a little alone time.

Sweetheart, I'm a shark attack survivor.

I'm fried.

Honey, I think the fear was a
lot worse than the actual attack,

which I can totally appreciate,

but the good news is you weren't hurt,

so let's not ruin the evening over it.

I'm sorry?

Honey, you weren't hurt.

Good night.

Dave! Where you going?

Dave. Come on, okay,
you got bit by the shark.

You got bit, I believe you!

We're here all the time, so let's
take that opportunity to go to bed.

Honey, we'll go to
the waterfall with you.

We'll grab our drinks and go.

Yeah. We could all go
together. It'll be beautiful.

Hon? I was thinking that maybe

we might go back to the room, huh?

Bolt the door, draw the shades, huh?

Just shut the whole world out

and sit Indian-style and
really explore our feelings.

Daddy! Wake up!

It's too deep!

Yo, you having a nightmare. You ain't
even in the water. It's night time.

Look, you said we was gonna have
fun, so let's get up, let's dance,

let's do a shot, let's
do something. Anything.

Baby, let's just go back
to the room, all right?

I don't want to go back to the
room. I don't want to go to sleep.

We're not going to sleep.

We're not?

Mmm-mmm.

What we gonna do in there?

For real?

So how was your night?

My husband found himself in a
very traumatic shark situation.

Here we go.

As we were planning to go to the
waterfall and have a romantic evening,

because, as you know, we
don't do that very often

because of the kids and work...

But somehow, this crazy,
traumatic shark experience

was enough to make him neglect his wife.

Ronnie, nice to meet you. Well said.

David, how did that make you feel?

I know my truth.

Excuse me? I know my truth.

Did you say, "l know my truth',?

Oh, boy.

Listen, I'm telling you,
you getting on my last nerve!

Yo, I didn't sign up for this!

Yo, you said we was gonna be dancing.

You said we was gonna be partying.

You said we was gonna
be doing what we do.

You made promises, Daddy.

Boo-Boo, look, they got me
doing a lot of activities.

What do you expect from me?

I'm tired.

You tired? Yo, I'm tired.

Plain and simple, I ain't having it.

Sometimes we forget how to do
the easiest thing in the world,

which is just to talk to each other.

Okay, let's start here.
Lucy, you go first.

I want you to look at Joey and say hi.

And Joey, after you've heard that,

I want you to look back at
Lucy and say hello in return.

And then we'll just see where
it goes from there, okay?

Hi.

Hello.

You kept saying "open" and
"fruitful" and other weird stuff.

That's not feeling, it's just more
talking in short half-sentences,

and you managed to turn feeling
into a job or an activity,

and it was exhausting.

So now it's my fault that
you don't feel satisfied!

Everything is my fault?
Is that what you're saying?

I'm not saying that! I'm
crazy? You don't look at me!

You don't ever ask me how I am! I work!

You haven't looked at me in 10 years!

I'm crazy and everything is my fault,

and my family is awful, and
nothing at all is your fault!

'Cause you rock, Joey!

If a guy talked to me like
that, I'd punch him in the face.

You're such an asshole!

You're an asshole!

It's like a little kid who
gets a puppy for the first time,

just hugs it so much, snaps its neck.

Cynthia's your puppy.

It's puppy-cradle death syndrome.

All that love is gonna snap that puppy.

Yeah, but... You don't want that!

The dawning of a new day.

A marriage is not a timeless agreement.

It is one day. And each
day, it begins anew.

Moments. Life is made of them,

much the same as a great mosaic.

A thousand little pieces
that make one great image.

But the most important
thing in life is...

And today, we open the door to breath

with a shared yoga group experience.

Our instructor,
Salvadore, is running late.

So I will touch on tomorrow.

It is very important that
you are here before sunrise,

as well as not eat or drink
anything too late tonight.

As you pursue knowledge,

as well as your own
individual animal spirits,

it is very important that you
strictly follow your programs.

Failure to do so will
definitely take you off your path

and lead you away from
the answers you seek.

I'm sorry, monsieur Marcel.

Why is it so important for
us to be on time tomorrow

when Pablo, the yoga guy,
is running late today?

Quiet, please.

The yoga teacher's punctuality
is not your concern.

You are to be here before sunrise.

Why is it so important for us to be here
on time tomorrow? I'm not understanding.

Why can't we eat or drink tomorrow?

What, is he gonna probe us?

Who is that?

Oh, my.

Damn!

I guess that's the yoga guy.

This just gets better and better.

Well, hello. I am so sorry I'm late.

I just swam from the
other side of the island.

Please, allow me to put on something
more proper before we can begin.

Thank God.

There we go. Much better.

Now, who is ready for their yoga?

My name's Jason. Jason.

Pleasure, hi. Nice.

Cynthia. Hi. Can't wait.

Hello, Cynthia.

Yes, we have a brave
peacock. Use that. Yes.

Yes. Hi, you must be Veronica. Hi.

Yeah, how did you know?

Why, I have read that you have
studied the yoga for five years.

Oh, well, I mean, just off and
on, you know, before the kids came.

Nonsense. You know, there is such
thing called the muscle memory?

And I could tell by looking at
your gait, your muscles remember.

Thank you. Yes.

Okay, we are going to do
the children's position.

What's that?

Head down, buttocks up.

Everybody on your mats.

Yeah, that's good. That's
good. Very nice posture. Yes.

Encouragement.

So I will transfer you my
energy. I will transfer my karma.

Here is my karma on you.

Jason!

You have a great aura. Yes.

Jason! Encouragement!

Yes! This is a great way to stretch.

Yep. You see?

You could do this with
your partner at home.

Sure. Let's ride this energy out!

Keep your chin up. Yep.

Yes, this fire has just started.
And we will not put it out.

What is he doing?

I don't really know that pose.

Okay, now we go into
the happy baby pose.

No, no, no, no, no,
no. Please regard me.

I'm sorry? Please, allow me.

To do what? Regard me.

Okay. Yes.

Okay.

You are doing fantastic, my dear.

Thank you. Okay.

See as I gently pulsate.

Okay...

Trying to go deeper and deeper,

and bring her deeper and
deeper into a stretch, yes?

Okay, Fabio, that's enough
of the pulsating. Please.

Then do it! Yes!
Encouragement, my friend.

Yes, fantastic progress.
Yes, put your shoulders back.

Yes. Now feel the energy.
Feel that energy. Yes.

Through your chest.
Your peacock chest. Yes.

Good! You like that? Yes. Good job.

Encouragement. Yes. Great job.

There, you need to find
your mental equilibrity.

Not on my knees, man, that hurts.

It's okay, it's okay.

Know your limits, yes?

There is no giving up in yoga,
you know? Encouragement, yes!

Encouragement my ass,
Daddy! You ain't even trying!

Look, yoga's not my strong suit.

Yoga's not your strong suit?

Oh, look at this one. This
little one is flexible.

She's good. She's really good.

Ooh, fantastic.

So you do like the lizard.

Now is when we transfer
the energy, you see?

Yep. And you just lay
everything on top of her?

Yes. Lay it on. Stretch.

That feels pretty good, hon?

What?

Am I straight enough here, do you
think? Or am I curving a little?

Let me show you.

You feel the transfer of the energy.

Well, it feels solid.

It is tantric energy. Yeah.

It is karma. Yes.

Okay, now I want all my girls
in a downward dog position.

Yes, this pose contains
a tantric hip thrust.

Now you and I will try this.

You got a pose called "Yoga
Guy Gets His Ass Kicked',?

"Cause that's my favorite one.

I feel your anger, yes!

Yes, I got your blood pumping,
yes? No? Now use it! Harness it!

Hmm. Boom!

Everybody into the children's pose!

Heads down. Okay.

Close your eyes. Yes?

Yes, good. Let's breathe.

Excuse me, Salvadore? I feel
like my sacrum is really tight.

Could you just help me
stretch it out a little?

Yes, of course, I will play
the role of your husband.

Great.

Boom, boom.

Boom.

The rain room has fire.
I did not see that coming.

I was getting centered.
I was enjoying the island.

What if Joey had seen?

Lucy, it was really inappropriate.

Well, I didn't know that you were
so concerned about how Joey felt.

What's that supposed to mean?

Let's drop it.

All I'm saying is that it
was pretty uncomfortable.

Well, then why were you staring?

It was hard to miss.

Trust me, Salvadore is
the least of our problems.

It's freezing in here. Why
would they make a room like this?

You should have seen my
masseuse. She was so hot.

You're supposed to be relaxing out here.

Why do you think I wanted
to get a full release?

You know what? I don't even
want to get into this with you.

Into what?

I don't want to get into
this conversation with you.

Why is that?

Because I don't want to be put in
a position where l,d have to lie.

Why are you getting all
high and mighty on me?

No, I'm not so high and mighty.
Joey, I'm not judging you,

I'm just not asking anything because

I don't want... I don't want to know.

Because that way, if someone asks me...

You won't have to rat me out.

I would never rat you out. Of
course I wouldn't't rat you out.

Right, right. But this
way, I don't have to

make that decision because
I really don't know.

All right, let me ask
you something, then.

Could you honestly say that
after seven years together,

that you get turned
on by the same woman?

I do.

Without going to the highlight reel.

You're playing a verbal shell game.

l... You have to make
your own decisions.

I'm just saying I don't want to know.

I'm saying, if you're...
When you're sleeping with her,

if you're hitting up some fan favorites,

I think you're cheating on some level.

You might not be acting on
it, but you're fantasizing.

You know what? I don't
know what journey you're on,

but l... I can't take
this trip with you.

But if I told you, as a friend...

I came up to you, I said, "Hey,
Dave, I'm attracted to men."

I was thinking about their bodies
and things, but I didn't act on it

because I'm straight and
I was being very strong,

would you consider me straight or gay?

If I desired a man.

If I was thinking about a man's body,

like how the light reflects
off of his sweaty back...

Am I interrupting something? No.

We're great. Have a
seat. Want to sit down?

Enjoy this. Enjoy it.

No, I'm good here. Thank you.

If I was sleeping with my wife

and thinking about, like,
a dude's wet mouth...

Snow and steam, huh? Is
this place outstanding?

Okay, Jason, let me
ask you a question here.

Is the highlight reel
considered cheating?

The highlight reel? No.

I'm just saying everybody
cheats and everybody lies,

and whether they act upon it or
not is a secondary conversation.

So you're saying that you can't tell

the difference between
the highlight reel...

I can tell the difference.

...and physically, really
cheating on somebody?

Don't say it to me like I
can't tell the difference.

Well, that's what you're saying!

You're saying that they,re related,

then they're somehow in the same family.

No, no. I'm saying you own a Jack
Russell, I own a Bull Terrier.

They're both dogs.
They're both terriers.

Mine's just a little more
aggressive than yours.

I own a zebra, you own a goat.

What the hell's that have to
do with cheating on your wife?

Right, they're both animals.

Are you out of your mind? How
would you feel if your wife cheated?

Guys? Listen to me. Trudy's gone.

What? What do you mean?

What? I went to the room

and all her stuff was gone.

Where do... Where do you
think she went? Like she...

I don't know. We had
a argument at therapy.

She said she was sick of
my senior citizen bullshit.

I've been trying to keep up
with her, but I'm a old ass!

Shane, honey, it's not your fault.

No, it's bullshit. It is my
fault. I should have worked harder.

Now she's gone!

She's not gone. I know where she is.

Sit down.

How do you know where she is?

Now use your head.

She's a young girl. She wants
to party. She wants to get wild.

Too late to leave the
island. Where is she?

Where's the only place she could go?

Eden East, the singles' side.

We gotta go get her.

You're damn right we do!
And I'm going with you!

I am not letting you go alone!

I don't care if I have
to go there all night!

To find Trudy. We're gonna
go find Trudy for him!

We can't even go to
that side, all right?

And it's gonna get very dark, very
soon. Plus we have to be in bed...

What are you talking about?

Listen to me.

We have to be to bed at a
very reasonable hour tonight

because we cannot miss
the sunrise in the morning.

Now, Marcel said if
we miss that sunrise,

we will not be completing our course.

We are here for the course, all right?
- Yes.

And stop eating and drinking, as well.

Honey, our friend is
asking for our help.

She's 20 years old, for God's sake.

She's probably with a bunch
of dudes, like, sweating,

drinking and dancing it out of
her system. What's the problem?

Let her spend the night on Hump Island!

I promise, she's gonna come back
here first thing in the morning!

Dave, firstly...

I don't want her to spend
a night on Hump Island.

No, I... I'm just trying to say

it's not like she's
kidnapped or something.

Now she's dead, Dave? Huh?

Now she's dead? She's
dead, now? She's not dead.

She's dead on Hump Island!

I'm just trying to put
it in perspective for you!

You know what? I don't even
know why I'm blowing up at you,

because it... It's...
Once again, it's my fault.

This is a Shane thing. I've been
dealing with this all my life.

First Jennifer, and now Trudy.

We're gonna find her,
okay? I got a plan.

I know how to get there.

You do?

Yeah, I do.

I just can't tell you now "cause
we got Mr. Belvedere clocking us.

Now everybody take it real casual.

Just drink your drinks and smile.

So we just make it all nice.

Everything's easy, fun,
we're drinking, we're smiling.

Okay? We can't leave till sundown.

Guys, we all need to be together
first thing in the morning, okay?

Which is exactly why
we have to find Trudy.

Otherwise, we won't all be there.

Let's get out of here now. Reconvene
later at the beach, at 1900 hours.

You with me?

Joey, we are not gonna be able to
finish the program if we get caught!

All right, bring it in.

Hey, come on, Shane!

We walk to the other
side, we get caught.

This way, we canoe out nice and easy,

we find ourselves a nice, quiet beach.

We pull up. We find the singles' side,

we find a dance floor,
we find some cocktails.

And we find Trudy and
we bring her back...

Yeah, we find Trudy and we
bring her right back here.

This is crazy.

Trust me. I was an Eagle Scout.

My mind is a compass. I
can handle these situations.

I've been trained to do so.

Now follow me and I'm
gonna get you there,

but we gotta do it quick
and we gotta do it quiet.

Come on.

These are not the best laid plans, okay?

I'm just gonna go on
record right now, okay?

I do not think this has a high chance...

If we keep up this pace,
we'll be there in 20 minutes!

I hope so!

What was that?

Great! Awesome!

What do we do?

No!

Jason! Cynthia!

Cynthia!

Grab the oar!

Are you okay?

You all right?

Yeah.

We gotta go to shore!

Cynthia, we're out of synch again.

You know, you gotta paddle on
the opposite side of the boat!

Well, Jason, I can't see
which side you're paddling on!

Well, turn around and take
a look every once in a while.

Otherwise, we are gonna capsize
again. You get that, right?

It was an accident.

I'll bet it could have been avoided.

Right? Am I right? Baby'
I need you to paddle.

Cynthia, paddle the boat, please!

You know what?

Sit down. You've got
to sit down in the boat!

Cynthia! Cynthia!

Cynthia!

What are you doing?

Cynthia! Cynthia! Hey! Cynthia!

Thank God. Thank God that is over!

I mean, who jumps out of the canoe?

You could have really
hurt yourself out there!

Put these on. Cynthia?
Jason, I have had it!

I can't do everything
exactly the way you want!

I can't control the ocean and
row the boat and stop the waves!

Calm down!

And I can't do anything about the
fact that I can't get pregnant!

This is nuts.

No, it's me.

And I just really need
some time right now.

Please stop following me, 'cause
I need to be away from you.

Come on. What are you doing? Hey,
hey, where you going? That's a jungle!

You know what? I'm gonna
go check on her, okay?

Great, thank you.

Yeah, you guys go ahead.

I'm gonna make sure she's okay.

Honey, I don't think it's a good idea

that everyone separates right now.

I really don't think we have a choice.

Let me just go talk to her.

No, Jason, she really
needs a minute, okay?

All right, go ahead. I gotta go.

Baby! You guys go ahead!

We'll meet you guys there!

So, what are we gonna do about Trudy?

What are we gonna do about Cynthia,

who just disappeared into the jungle?

Jason, she's upset. Let her cool
down. You'll talk to her later.

We still gotta get Trudy to do all
the Marcel stuff, anyway, all right?

So let's just get her ass
and let's get back home.

Cyn, please, slow down, honey.
I think we're almost there.

I think we might have
taken a wrong turn.

Really? Yeah.

Wow.

Finally made it to the waterfall.

I think my marriage is over.

What?

Honey, don't say that.
You're just exhausted.

I am. I'm so tired of him trying
to steer everything in the direction

that he thinks is right all the time.

Listen. Don't make any
decisions right now.

You guys just need to take a breather.

Get a little bit of space, you know?

You'll be okay. You know?

You guys have been on top of
each other ever since we got here.

No, that's the... Actually, the
one thing that we haven't done.

We haven't had sex
since we've been here.

We've barely even touched each other.

Now, Cynthia and I
are in a terrible spot.

I come to this island, I come to
the program to get some answers,

find out my animal spirit... Yeah.

Let me help you out on the
whole animal spirit thing.

It's gonna be awesome! It always is.

It's like if you go to a tarot
card reader for past lives,

you're always something cool... Dave...

...like a king or a gunfighter.

No one ever finds out that they were,

like, a shopkeeper or an asshole.

Is this hilarious to you?
'Cause it's not to me.

Tell you what+ If I get kicked off
this island, I'm gonna blame all of you.

And I can't believe I let
the two of you derail me!

We derailed you? That's correct.

If you kept a closer eye on Trudy,

she wouldn't have strayed so
far from the pack, all right?

She's not a dog, Jason.
Yeah? Well, listen,

she's been very selfish, hasn't
been a very good teammate.

I can tell you that. No, no, no, no, no.

Look, I made promises, I let her down.

You don't know the ins and
outs of our relationship.

Is that what it is? It's a
relationship? It's been two weeks, okay?

All right? That's not a relationship.

It's more like an
antibiotic cycle, all right?

She should be very happy
that she's even here.

You're a good guy. You
brought her to this island.

She shouldn't be running off.

She should be doing
everything that she can,

bending over backwards
to make you happy.

Don't blame this on Shane.
You brought this on yourself.

I don't need to hear it from you, okay?

It's half your fault. Half his fault,

half Trudy's fault, half your fault.

Me? Yeah, with the whole canoe scheme?

All right? You put me and my
wife in a very extreme situation,

put tension on the relationship.

Your wife left you because
you were suffocating her.

And now you're suffocating me!

And you're suffocating Shane, too!

Yeah, don't suffocate me, man.

A grown woman literally jumped
into shark-infested waters

and did a distance swim that
she had no way to train for

instead of staying in
a dry canoe with you.

Look in the mirror.

Okay, Joseph Cecil Tanzini,

with a monsoon of respect, I
don't think you're in a position

to be telling anyone
to look in the mirror

when it comes to relationships.

You're not Mr. "'I Try So
Hard At My Relationship," okay?

So let's go, glass house.

Me, glass house?

You, glass house!
You're the glass house!

Talk to me about relationships.

You got a woman who adores you.

She'd do anything for you.

You have a real partner in life,

and what does she want from you?

"Take me to the waterfall."
But, no, you can't take her

because you had some over-stimulated
snorkeling experience.

Do you think when your marriage is over

that you're gonna find somebody

that just caters to you, no matter what?

That you're not gonna
have to work at it?

That's gonna be, like, psyched to go to
Applebee's with you every Friday night

and hear the same football stories

about how you rocked in high school?

I did rock in high school
football. You want to check tape?

But whoever that person is, you
have to listen to their stories, too,

or they're not gonna go
to Applebee's with you.

You're not gonna have someone
to go to Applebee's with.

You'll be sitting by yourself,
eventually, at Applebee's, all alone.

And who wants to go to
Applebee's by themselves?

You know what? If anyone
should be mad here, guys,

it should be me.

I am having a real fight with my
wife, okay? And it's not a fun feeling.

Look it. I'm talking in
circles. I'm on an island.

I'm getting island fever now.
I'm starting to lose my mind.

This is an early sign of things to come.

And what we need to do now is get
focused and stop pointing fingers.

You're a problem. You're
a real, real problem.

Is that Salvadore?

Does this guy think he's a
mermaid? What is his deal?

Oh. Please, excuse my nudity.

I was expecting no company.

Allow me to put something on.

I would have asked you to join me,

but the water is a little chilly.

But perhaps this will
warm up the evening.

And what is that?

It's an island rum, infused with
the essence of the coconut fruit.

Delicious.

Yes? You like? Very much.

Yes.

That's yummy.

It is yummy.

It's yummy, yummy, yummy, isn't it?

Mmm. Yes.

Oh, oh...

Slow down there, killer.

You see, this island has
so many healing curiosities.

You know, it is good to have
a drink and have a good time.

Then do it!

Well, I guess we just go around, huh?

No, we gotta go through. The path ends.

We go off the path,
we get lost+ Come on.

No, hey, we'll make a new path.

What if there's people in there? Joey!

Be careful, sweetie.

Ronnie, I'm Cynthia. I'm always careful!

Yes!

Okay.

Okay.

Get in there. You,re
leaving fingerprints!

I don't know what you're doing...

Get away from the door.

Jessie is a friend

Yeah, I know he's been
A good friend of mine

But lately something's changed
That ain't hard to define

Jessie's got himself a girl
And I want to make her mine

And she's watching him with those eyes

And she's loving him with
that body I just know it

And he's holding her in
his arms late Late at night

You know,..

Hey! What are you doing here?

Private staff quarters are
strictly off limits to hotel guests!

I'm so sorry that we are disturbing
your fortress of solitude here.

I'm going to have to ask you to
leave The Ponderosa immediately.

Well, that's a shame, because
the place is so inviting.

When does Hoss and Little Joe show up?

Dave.

You gentlemen have
broken into The Ponderosa

and have broken the
rules of this island.

And, unfortunately, I don't think
you're gonna like the consequences.

I'm gonna call monsieur Marcel.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Sctanley,

there's been a big misunderstanding.

Some of us don't
necessarily want to be here.

I'm sorry, Mr. Smith, but
you've broken the rules

and there are consequences.

Yes, could you get
Marcel for me, please?

Yes, I know he's asleep, but wake
him. This is important. I'll hold.

What a shocker that
this went bad. Thank you.

Came here for answers and
now I'm not gonna get them!

Great.

Great leading, Joey. Me?

Yeah, you.

I thought monsieur Marcel felt
that technology was a distraction.

For the guests, yeah.

You seem pretty good at that game.

He's the best on the whole island.

It's a pretty small island.

Doesn't look like it's all that hard.

Looks like all you gotta
do is push these big buttons

and play along with the
song here. Am I right?

Something like that.

You know what'd be a gas,
Sctanley? For me and you to play.

And when I win,

you could point me towards the singles'
side and forget you ever saw us.

When you beat me?

When I win, what will you give me?

Maybe just this.

$1,000
- A cool G, as we call it back home.

Are you at liberty to
play for that, Sctanley?

Or would you prefer to play for smiles?

Monsieur Marcel, I'm
sorry to have woken you.

I thought there was an
emergency, but I was mistaken.

I do apologize.

I play at expert level.

You take this kind of serious.

That's a big screen.

You've played this before.

Maybe just a couple times, Sctanley.

All right, Sctanley,
let's have some fun.

Come on, Sctanley, get him!

Don't let him get in your head.

Don't let him get in your head, Dave.

I know a place you will like.

Really? Yes. You will love it.

What kind of place?

Like a place that has dancing?

There is everything. Everything?

Oh, my God, you guys,
I want to go dancing!

You want to go? Yes, please, regard me.

Follow me. Oh, my God,
yeah, I want to go!

It'll be a girls' night!

Okay, but, honey, honey,
honey... Oh, my God.

You should just slow down
here for a second maybe?

That's exactly what I need!

It's the second guitar solo
that sorts the men from the boys.

I was kind of counting
on that, Sctan. Joey?

Yeah?

I think it's time to
show the donkey the snake.

Cut his head, cut his
head, cut his head!

Go, go, go!

Dave! Dave! Cut his head!

Big finish.

Star power! Star power! Yes!

Sctanley, no!

Yeah!

You hustled me.

Yes, I did.

For that, I'm sorry. You see,
I sell video games, Sctanley.

And this one here, in
particular, in fact.

And I'm proud to stand here before you

and tell you it brings
me as much happiness

as it does for the
people I provide them to.

And we had a bet, and I know
that you're a man of your word.

Forget that you saw me and my friends

and point me in the
direction that I seek.

I cannot confirm or deny that the one
that you seek is on the singles' side.

But a bet is a bet. And I
will tell you how to get there.

The beach is blocked by rocks.
It's completely impassable.

No more boats for me and
my friends. I go by foot.

I would be remiss if I did not
advise you to wait until daylight.

Do not take this journey lightly.

Hmm.

There is an old game
path through the forest,

just beyond the abandoned Starbucks.

Take it to where it forks. Jog to
the right. Do not go to the left.

You will see lights. You
don't want to go there.

Keep walking.

Look up and locate the
belt of Orion the Hunter.

I think we should be writing this down.

I think Dave's got it.

The stars shall be your guide.

As long as we're headed east, that's
the direction we're supposed to be going.

I'm looking for the Little Dipper.

If I could find the Little Dipper,
I could find the North Star.

Shane, help me find the Little Dipper.

What do I look like, Harriet Tubman?

Fine! I'll do it by myself, okay?

You guys are no help! Just... Just...

Welcome to Hump Island!

It's time to feast here in the
belly of the beast here at Eden East!

Now can you feel it? Come on!

Man, we are about to get
this party started right!

You guys ready?

Bingo!

Hey, yo, check it out, y'all!

A luau fire and drum show
is coming up real soon!

Some of the best drummers
in the whole world.

Don't forget to check it out!

This place is out of control.

What could she be possibly
getting into over here, man?

Come on, let's not
get ahead of ourselves.

For all we know, she could be sitting

in a corner sulking somewhere.

Hey, we can do this. We get in, we
get out, we're back before sunrise.

I know... I know that girl. San Diego!

I know that girl. I'm gonna go see

if I can get some answers out of her.

What are you talking about?
I'm trying to find Trudy!

Talking to locals is the
best way to get information!

You guys should be doing it, too.

That's a great idea. We split up.

That way, we find her twice
as fast. Shane, with me.

We shouldn't split up,
we should stay together.

Listen, Dave, time is
of the essence, okay,

and if we don't find
her, here's what else.

We meet back at the exit in,
like, an hour, okay? Come on.

Let's go. Jason, there's
a ton of people here.

If we split up, we're
gonna... Stay with Joey.

This place rocks.

What are you doing?

What am I doing? I'm
trying to have a good time.

I'm trying to have a party going on. Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Hi.

We gotta find Trudy. I
don't want to get into this.

Come on, buddy.

What, are you dying to be
part of the new singles scene?

Look at all these people.
They're running around, they're...

They're sexting, they're krumping,
they're twatting each other

'cause their day's so special they
have to share it with the world.

It's called tweeting.
I call it twatting!

Look, Joey, we were
single. We had our fun.

We're not missing out on anything.

No, you were single, you had fun.

I got married early, so I
never got to experience this.

I have a feeling you had a chance
to experience lots of things.

But, look, if you want to
go play "Guess Your Disease"

or "Let Me Translate Your Tribal
Tattoo," knock yourself out.

You don't get it. I'm here
trapped on an island with a woman

who can't even stand the sight of me.

And whose fault is
that? It's not my fault!

Dude, relationships
are a two-way street,

not a highway and a bike path.

If it matters to you, work at it.

And if it doesn't, then don't!

But make a decision.

I want to be married

'cause I want to have people
I can share my life with.

I don't wanna be doing
this. I know what I want.

I want it... Look. Hey, Dave, it's
not 'cause I don't want it, okay?

You make the best of your
situation! My situation's to party!

Yeah!

Yeah, definitely.

San Diego!

Remember me? Where have you been?

Where have I been? I've
been trying to get here!

Look, we'll never be able to find her.

If... If I walk over there,
she's gonna walk over here.

If I'm on this side, she's
probably gonna be on that side!

All right, panicking's
not gonna help, Shane.

Hey, want to dance, tough guy?

No, I'd step on your feet, I'd
hurt you. Thank you, though.

All right, now, everybody up,
everybody up! This is Eden East!

This place is amazing! I can't
believe they kept this from us!

I knew you would love it.

This is why I brought
you here. Vitality!

Oh, it is so nice to be
out with lots of people!

Everyone's smiling and laughing.
Don't you guys love this?

It's great. In a couple more
minutes, I'll just roofie myself.

I will go get my special
Salvadore drink, yes?

Oh, yes.

"Guess I am on my way."

"Mighty glad you stayed!"

Yes! Yes!

He is so much fun!

Oh, God, don't even start.

I'm just having fun.

No, it's just... Guys, this is too much.

What's too much? Let's
just get it together

and chill out a little.

Excuse me, I don't mean to
disturb you. My name's Dave.

Hi. Ronnie.

Ronnie. That's a great name.

Thank you. Yeah.

Do you have a cell phone I could use?

Why?

Someone's got to call God and let
him know one of his angels is missing.

Wow, that is the worst
line I've ever heard.

Well, what do you want from me?

I've been out of the game for a while.

I've been slumming it
with a really hot redhead.

Now you're getting closer.

Dave, if you're here to be
an olive branch for Jason,

I am not gonna talk about it tonight.

I'm not here to talk about anything,

I just want to see my wife. Let's go.

I can't just leave these two.

I think they'll survive.

We sure will.

They are so lucky.

Now this next jam goes out to
all you party people in the house!

Everybody, up! Let's keep
this party going, y'all!

Maybe we ought to wait by the exit,

so when people come out, you know...

Whatever we do, we gotta do it fast.

I gotta get back, gotta
find my wife, you know?

What do you got? You see her?

That's my wife.

Jennifer?

Shane?

God, Shane, there you are! I've
been looking all over for you.

Jennifer, what are you doing here?

Look, I heard at the salon that you were
coming to this crazy singles' island,

so I just felt a strong sense of urgency

that you and l needed to
talk before it was too late.

Jennifer, you left me, remember?

I know, I know.

But then I was hoping that
you would come after me.

It wasn't like you walked out
of a bar! It was a divorce.

And why are you even at this place?

Do you know this place is insane?

I'm getting called names.

I've been called a cougar,
a black panther, a puma!

I had to smack this one kid.

That's the last time he'll walk
up to a woman talking about cougar!

Yeah.

I've been looking all
over the place for you.

And where have you been?

Well, actually, I'm
staying on the other side,

the couples' side, with my girlfriend.

What? Who?

Her name is Trudy and she's
aspiring to be a manager.

Put it in my mouth!

Go, go, go!

Trudy?

All right, y'all, it's
almost time for the mele,

the Kanikapila luau drum show!

The special blend.

Yes, this is a magical drink.

You know what?

I'm gonna go get a good spot for
the show. Do you guys wanna come?

No, no, we're good here.

Okay. You're fine? Okay.

And then there was two.

Listen, I want you to come back with me.

I'm not going back to
the other side with you.

I'm gonna stay right
here, get my celebration on

and get another margarita
made up in my face.

I came a long way to find you.

Well, I know you ain't
come to get a drink.

You damn sure ain't come to dance.

So what'd you follow me here for?

No. I did.

I came here to drink, party,
scratch records, do it all!

Do it... It's just...
Just... Just... You know?

What am I saying?

I don't want to do any of those things.

Truth is that I'm
exhausted just saying them.

All right, y'all, it's time for
the Kanikapila luau drum show!

Cynthia, hi. Excuse me. Hi.

Hi. Hey, what are you doing here?

You all right?

I'm fine, Jason. I'm watching the show.

We do have to get back before
sunrise, though. Let's get a move on.

I don't think that's a good idea, Jason.

Come on, hon. Let's go.

We're very close.

Jason, I'm not going anywhere.

It pains me to say this,
but I gotta let you go.

I love you.

But we cannot do this to
each other anymore. It's over.

It's over.

Daddy, wait. I was wrong.
I don't want to lose you.

I'll go back to the other side.

No. Then you... You,d
be doing what I did.

Trying to be something that you're not.

You're 20. Go be 20.

All right?

I will not lose you. All
right? I cannot lose you.

You're the whole reason that I'm here.

You're the whole reason
that I've done all of this.

You're the whole reason that I've
made a complete ass out of myself.

I have failed here miserably.
And that does not bother me.

What bothers me is
that I have failed you

and I am not gonna do that ever again.

All right? I love you a lot.

Let's go get a drink.

Oh.

Honey, it has been forever
since we did something like this.

Yeah.

You know, baby, it's funny. Since
we've been here, it's like the therapist

and the place has made
it like we got a problem.

But you know what? I think
we don't have a problem.

No.

We got a million problems.

Really? Yeah.

But, honey, I think everybody
has a million problems.

I don't know that, like, you,re
supposed to solve them all,

because the simple truth of it,
sweetheart, is we're married.

We made a commitment to each
other and to our families.

And to myself. And I meant it.

Shane, honey, wait.

Jennifer, I don't need this.

I'm done with trying
to make you like me.

I'm not gonna be the
man you want me to be.

I'm not gonna do things the
way you want me to do things.

I'm always gonna wear my heart on
my sleeve because that's who I am.

And I got a lot of friends that like me

just because I'm the way I am.

But it really doesn't
matter because I like me.

Well, I don't like you.

Whatever. I love you.

I can't stand picking out tiles.

It drives me nuts to try
to redo the fricking house.

I know it does.

But, you know, the one thing
that we can and should always do

is just kind of have
fun with each other.

And truthfully, sweetheart, that
should be the easiest thing to do

because before there was the kids

or the house or the job or any of it,

there was just you.

And I love you, Ronnie.

I love you, too, Dave.

Hey, now, all you naughty boys and
girls, gather 'round, gather 'round.

The hell's she doing here?

Who?

That's my wife. She
must be looking for me.

I don't think so. She looks fine.

You should just relax.

Son of a...

Excuse me!

Hey!

Peacock!

Please, I don't want to hurt you.

"Encouragement!" Joey!

Baby, remember when we first met

and I told you that you were
the only man I'd ever been with?

You lied? No, no, no, no, no.

I was... I was completely inexperienced,

and, honey, I didn't
know what I had in you.

I've been cheating on you!

I've been cheating on
you every chance I got!

Yeah? For years, I've
been cheating on you.

Well, I cheated on you
with more than one guy!

With two... You had a
three-way with two dudes?

No, no! But I would have!

I totally would have!
Well, I would've, too!

Not with two dudes! You
know what I'm talking about!

I thought I needed to know what it
was like out there, in a real way,

not like I read it in Cosmo. So
I went out there and I lived it.

I've had one-night stands!

Okay.

I've woken up in beds with men

whose names I didn't even remember!

I was like, "'How did
l get this T-shirt on?,'

Jennifer, I get it. Land your plane.

Just deal with it! You deal with it.

You deal... You deal with
going to Applebee's alone.

What? If you don't put in effort,

you're gonna be the one who
ends up at Applebee's alone.

Are you asking me to go
to Applebee's with you?

The bottom line is that none of them

made me feel the love that you did.

And I had to go out into the world

in order for me to come back
and say that I belong home.

Now I'm gonna keep on
spinning these fly tunes

until somebody gets something going on!

I'm not saying I wouldn't
go to Applebee's with you!

Well, I'm not saying I wouldn't
go to Applebee's with you!

All right, well, I would try
to go to Applebee's with you.

Well, I would try to go
to Applebee's with you!

So let's try. I want
to try! Well, let's try!

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I am so sorry that it took all of that.

But you know what? Now I can
honestly say, with love in my heart'

that you are my man.

Could you ever love me again?

Well, you're my wife.

And I never stopped loving you.

Now come here and give me a kiss.

This next jam goes out to all
you party people in the house!

And that time that you got sick,

you didn't want me to see you,

so you locked me out of the bathroom?

No! Then I passed out!

Yeah.

And you called the ambulance.

Well, because, before you passed out,

it sounded like you were dying in there.

You know? I thought I was dying. I did.

Yeah, well, what was I supposed to do?

I should have broken down the door.

You've been a really good friend.

You have been the best
friend in the world to me.

Now don't stop dancing, y'all!

Party ain't over! It's far from over!

Silence, please! Silence!

I made a program for you and
you decided not to follow it.

You defied my instructions
and you went off course.

Why are we being held to a
different standard, Marcel?

You weren't here on time this morning.

I was here before
sunrise, sadly, by myself.

Therefore, I chose not to wait.

Marcel, I've got to be honest with you.

You know... Silence!

No, you silence! Please, just...

I don't need some speech
about moments, okay?

No more, okay?

I'm sorry that we kept
you waiting this morning

and that we didn't respect your program,

but last night my wife and l,

we spent some real time together,

and for the first time in a long time,

we woke up actually very, very happy.

So, with all due respect, sir,

I don't need you, or
anyone else for that matter,

to, you know, say anything, really.

I know.

Sorry?

You do?

Yes.

That is why I am giving you this.

I don't understand.

I could never reveal your
true inner animal spirit.

It was always up to you.

Cynthia, Jason, your
spirit is the rabbit.

No matter what obstacles
are put in front of him,

the rabbit will scrape and burrow

and find a way to create his home.

Thank you. Thank you.

Lucy, Joseph.

For you,

the wolf.

The wolf is by nature a pack animal

and one of the few proud members

of the animal kingdom
that mates for life.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Hello, Jen. Welcome, Jennifer.

Thank you.

For you,

the noble honeybee.

The honeybee is committed.

And though it may fly
from flower to flower,

collecting the sweet, sticky nectar'

it has no choice but
to return to the hive.

Congratulations.

Thank you. That's a big-ass bee.

Finally, Ronnie and David.

I have thought long and hard about this.

I could not decide with my mind.

I had to open my soul
to the animal spirits.

And, finally...

Okay, the build-up's killing me.

What do we got here? Two cheetahs?

Couple of eagles? You got two lions?

The ass.

You are the ass.

Stubborn and immovable.

The mighty ass tirelessly bears
the heavy burden of others.

But when the ass is on the
move, nothing can stop the ass.

Be an ass for your marriage.
Be an ass for your children.

Be an ass for love.

Thank you, Marcel.

I'm gonna be the biggest
ass you've ever seen.

And now, you may spend the rest
of your trip enjoying the island.

Please feel free to make Eden
into your own, personal Sandals.

Yes.

And now, jet skis!

Yes, yes! Yes!

Hey, hey, what's happening?

I sure miss you guys.

I miss you so much.

And Grandpa Jim Jim let us watch Jaws!

We get to eat all the candy we want!

Hey, guys, the jet skis are ready!

Come on! We're waiting on you!

Give us one second with the
kids. We'll be there in a minute.

Go ahead and start. Well, listen,

when we get back next weekend,
we'll go to Medieval Times

and we'll get some big drumsticks

and lots of meat.
- Yes!

And we're gonna be doing a lot
more of that fun stuff, guys,

so get ready, okay? I'm gonna take you

to the school parking
lot, we'll do some donuts.

Yeah! Donuts!

All right, I love you.

Love you, too. Here's Grandpa Jim Jim.

All right. Enjoy your last few days.

Hey, Dad, could you do me a favor

and not give them candy
every time they ask?

You ought to be thanking me.
I'm here at this home store

returning some of the stuff
that you had on that house list.

Okay, thanks so much. When you..
- When you look at the coating,

will you beat that guy up on the price?

Kevin! That is not a real toilet.

Dad, what's going on?
Is everything okay?

Please tell me he's
not peeing in the store.

It's nice to take a
moment and just relax.

Dad? I gotta go.

I don't know him and there's
no way I'm going near him.

Grandpa, there's no toilet paper.

Help me get my shirt off.

You know, the Federal Reserve is a pimp.

They want you to be in debt.

That's how it works. They
give you these credit cards

you can't pay for,

HD, motorcycles. It's all a pimp game.

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