All language subtitles for Cheers S10E24 Heeeeeeres Cliffy Dvdrip Xvid-Macro

Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

Afternoon, everybody.

ALL:
Norm!

Hey, Mr. P. How's
life in the big city?

Hey, what'd I tell you
about those fat jokes?

Uh, what's
in the box there, Norm?

Only my brand-new
Turbo Flex Airmasters

with the custom pump fit

and the night reflector
racing stripe.

Ah, whoa!

Ooh, look at that!

Major shoe.

And check out the
reflector, huh?

Wow, shines like
the Northern Lights.

Yep.

Get this-- they
utilize a patented

ergonomic lever
propulsion design.

Uses your body's own
Achilles tendon as a fulcrum.

I read in Runner's World

that they can improve your
vertical leap by ten percent.

Try 12%, babe.

Ooh.

Ah, that's more than
a shoe there, Normie,
that's a god.

And now, if you
gentlemen will just...

stand back
for a second...

...I'm gonna try
these puppies out.

And we're off!

(theme song begins)

� Making your way
in the world today �

� Takes everything you've got �

� Taking a break
from all your worries �

� Sure would help a lot �

� Wouldn't you like
to get away? �

� Sometimes you want to go �

� Where everybody
knows your name �

� And they're always
glad you came �

� You wanna be
where you can see �

� Our troubles
are all the same �

� You wanna be where
everybody knows your name �

� You wanna go
where people know �

� People are all the same �

� You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. �

Okay, Paulie, at 7:00 we
go over to Gary's, right?

Oh, wait a minute,

wait a minute, you're
going over to Gary's bar?

Well, Sammy,
big heavyweight
fight tonight--

he's got a satellite
dish, you don't.

You're deserting me
for that snake?

You're gonna give money
to the one guy I hate

more than anyone else
in the whole world?

'Course not, Sammy.

I'm gonna run a tab.

Sammy, we wouldn't go anywhere
if you had a satellite dish.
Mm-hmm.

All right, all right,
if it means that much to you,

I will look into it, all right?

I, for one, am filled with
a sense of foreboding

when I contemplate the
future of a culture

whose primary
source of recreation

is watching more and
more mindless television.

Don't you agree, Frasier?

Now, why is Gilligan magnetized?

Because he was
struck by lightning.

Every time this episode airs,
you ask that question.

Sam?

Damn it, now, why is Cliff

having his personal mail
sent to my bar?

Well, when you've been harassed
by as many agents

of the government as Cliff has,
you naturally develop

a reluctance to give them
your own return address.

Ah, Cliffie
got a letter

from The Tonight Show
in California.

Is he still trying
to sell jokes
to Johnny Carson?

When's that poor guy
gonna give up.

He is-- I hear he's leaving
the show at the end of May.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, Cliffie!
Hey.

Sam, pour me
a cold one, will ya?

It's been a long day.

What's the problem, bub?

Eh, hard to say, I, uh,

just seem to have lost
the spring in my step.

Well, just pull one
out of your head.

Oh, hey, you got
a letter from NBC.

Aw, forget it--
it's just another rejection.

Oh, come on, now,
how do you know that?
Aw, Sammy,

I'm just a plaything

of that fickle maiden
known as Miss Comedy.

Last night I went down
to The Laugh Tureen to gig.

Well, they wouldn't
let me go on.

It was amateur night--
they said I wasn't ready.

Cliff, you're not
going to give up.

With the current sorry
state of the world,

we need your humor
now more than ever.

Well, yeah, thank you
very much, Lilith.

You know, you've always been
my number one fan.

In fact,
you've been my only fan.

(laughing)

(Lilith continues laughing)

I wasn't joking.

Oh. I'm sorry.

It must have been the way you
instinctively time everything.

You can't learn that, you know.

Save your breath.

Nothing's gonna do me any good.

Aw, Cliff, why don't
you just go on back

and lie down
on the pool table.

I think there's
a game going on.

Everybody's a comedian.

Everybody except me.

REBECCA:
Carla,

you hurt him.

Oh, thanks.

Well, I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do,

I-I'm just gonna
open this letter.

Maybe it is good news.

I'm just so sick and tired
of everybody in this bar

having such
a negative attitude.

I mean, you know,
good things do happen.

So, did they buy his joke?

(scoffs):
Yeah, what do you think?

"Mr. Clavin,
thank you very much

"for your submission
to The Tonight Show.

"We will not be using
your material.

Enclosed is
your submission."

Hey, what was it this time?

Let me put my beer down--
I don't want it coming
through my nose.

"Today is
Doc Severinsen's birthday.

"You know, Doc is so old,
when he was a kid

"he never blew out candles
on his birthday cake.

They didn't have fire yet."

(laughing)

Lilith!

You can't possibly be laughing
at that terrible joke.

You don't find humor
in the exaggeration
of a contemporary man

predating an event which
took place 45,000 years ago?

Well, had Cliff phrased it
like that, sure, hellzapoppin.

Poor Cliffie. I really
kind of hate to see him
suffering like this.

CARLA:
You know,

I think it's about time
we had Cliff put to sleep.

What? He had a lot
of good years.

There is one way
to cheer him up--

you know, we could change
this letter of rejection

to look like
a letter of acceptance.

It'd be pretty easy, actually.

So are you just
gonna dismiss

my putting-him-
to-sleep idea?

We're not even
gonna talk about it?

You know, all we have to do is
just white-out the word "not"

and... it looks like,

"we will be using
your submission."

You're pretty good
with that white-out stuff.

Sammy, I used
to be an accountant.

Many is the time this stuff
kept me out of Leavenworth.

I don't know, gentlemen.

Should we really encourage Cliff
in these flights of fancy?

I cite for an example
his Kennedy conspiracy theory.

I, for one,
have never believed

the Beatles were involved.

Give the guy a break.
Okay? For once.

Cliffie! Cliffie come out here.
Yeah?

We opened your letter
from The Tonight Show.

Johnny loves the joke.

They're going
to use it on the show.

Oh, you're kidding.

Read it. Go ahead.

(muttering)

Hey! I did it!
Ha-ha!

I did it! I, uh, I sold
a joke to Johnny Carson!

(laughs)

Oh, this is the happiest
moment of my life!

Well, take your

last look at Clifford Clavin,
letter carrier.

Yeah, when my joke
hits the airwaves,

I'm gonna start a new career.

Yep, it's going to be
Cliff Clavin, joke meister.

Doctor of Ha-Ha, the funny man.

Yeah,

I'm going to be hanging around

with a whole new group
of friends:

Oscar and Emmy.

Ciao.

Carla, what was your plan again?

Okay, so we tell him
he's getting a flu shot...

Hey, Sammy, look at this.

Here it is right here
in the classified.

You can buy a used
satellite dish

for 300 bucks,
install it yourself.

I don't know anything about
installing a satellite dish.

Oh, come on, Sam,
what's the big deal?

You clamp it to the roof

and you run
a few wires down.

WOODY:
I don't know, Carla.

My Uncle Skyler
tried to do that

with a milking machine right
before an electrical storm.

Cows never forgave him for it.

It was worth it, though.

We had cottage cheese sandwiches

for a month,
I'm telling you.

Hey, everybody.
Guess what.

Cliff Clavin is off

to the entertainment capital
of the world--

the dream factory,

the land of glitz,
glamour and make-believe.

What, you're going
to Chucky Cheese?

No, Woody.

Going to Hollyweird, California.

Yeah, I've got some
nonrefundable

tickets here in my hand; they're
going to take me to Burbank.

And, uh, when Johnny Carson
delights America with my joke,

me and Ma are going to be
sitting there watching it live.

NORM:
You know,

they write an awful
lot of jokes, Cliff.

Uh, just 'cause
they bought yours

doesn't necessarily mean
they're gonna use it.

Aw, geez, Norm, uh,
I'm a little confused here.

I guess you're the one
who is currently employed

as a writer for The Tonight Show
starring Johnny Carson.

You're right, Cliff.

I'm just saying you could
be setting yourself up

for a big fall here.

(laughs):
Norm.

The only question is is whether
Johnny is going to invite me

to sit up there
on the couch next to him.

Oh, hey,

I'd better call Ma.

She'll be thrilled.

You've got to do something, man.

This has gone far enough.

I can't, Sammy.

I'm no good at giving bad news.

Oh, what are you talking about?

You told Vera about losing
all those jobs, right?

I'm gonna get to that,
when the time is right.

All right, I will.

I will. I will.

Uh, oh, boy.
I was right.

She was tickled pink.

Yeah, the two places
she most wants to see

before she goes to the great
beyond is Formosa and Burbank.

Cliffie,

there's something
I have to tell you, buddy.

Oh, wait.
Norm, there's something

I got to tell you first.

Well...
When I was
at the travel agency,

I got, uh, three nonrefundable
tickets to Burbank.

And guess whose name
is on the third one.

Please don't let it
be Norm Peterson.

Norm Peterson!

I'm going to California!

(Norm and Cliff cheering)

� �

� �

I love working with
my hands, don't you, Sam?

Yeah, Woody, I do.

But not with
any mechanical stuff.

Hey, do you have any idea
how a satellite dish works?

You mean you don't?

Well, to be honest, no.

Well, you've got
a satellite up there.

How far up there?

Oh, about 72 million miles,
give or take a few light years.

And it's got

a gizmo up there so when you
send your TV stuff up there

it shoots it right back
down here to this baby.

Boy, you sure know a lot
about the world, Sam.

Oh, Woody, I'm an avid reader.

When you look up there
at all those stars

and all those galaxies...

you realize just how big
this satellite dish really is.

Boy, oh, boy.

This is something,
isn't it, Ma?

Who would have believed it?

There it is, the couch,
the desk and the curtains.

Huh? Huh?

Listen, Cliff, um,
before Johnny

starts his monologue,

there's something I
really want to tell you.

Oh, suddenly it's
Johnny, huh, Norm?

I mean, I work with the man

and I don't even get
to call him Johnny.

Anyway, before he
starts the monologue

I'd like to tell you
something, okay?

Hey, uh, Cliff Clavin.

I'm from Boston.

I, uh, wrote
tonight's monologue.

Really?

Then you know Johnny?

Well, does anybody
really know Johnny?

Hey, there's those people
we met in line.

I'm going to go over
and say howdy-do.

Norman, I want to thank you.

For what?

Well, I know Clifford
doesn't have many friends.

I remember that surprise
birthday party I organized

for him and you were
the only one who showed up.

Yeah.

Where were you, anyway?

I just forgot.

Mrs. Clavin, I have
a confession to make.

What do you mean?

The Tonight Show didn't
really accept Cliff's joke.

I got ahold of the
rejection letter

and I sort of changed it
around to make it look
as if they accepted it.

Oh, my Lord.

I wanted to tell him earlier,

but it's been so long
since I've had a vacation

and Lord knows
I've needed one.

Norman, you are a
naughty, naughty boy.

I'm sorry.

You're his best friend.

You've got to do something
or suffer the consequences.

Okay.

All right, uh, let
me see what I can do.

(clears throat)

Excuse me, buddy.

Uh, could I talk to
you for a minute?

What do you need?

Um, how would you like to
make a couple hundred bucks?

What are you talking about?

A friend of mine
wrote this joke,

and I was wondering
if you could, uh,

sort of slip it into
Johnny Carson's monologue.

Oh, sure,
we do it all the time.

Most of Johnny's jokes

come from folks
just like yourself

in the audience
who offer us money.

I admit it's,
it's a bad joke,

but the guy's entire
existence is riding on this.

This is a bad joke?

I mean a sure clunker?

Johnny will definitely bomb
with this?

I'm afraid so, yeah.

Well, I'm out of work
in a month anyway.

Jay Leno has
his own people.

Let me see the joke.

Oh, great, thank
you so much.

How much can I
give you, huh?

Ah, don't worry about it.

Just buy me a beer
after the show.

Wherever you go,
people are the same.

Well, Woody, I
think we did it.

I think we got
this thing working.

Sam.

Yeah?

You think there's a reason

for all these stars
and all these planets and...

...for all of us being here
where we are?

Yeah, Woody, I do.

Well, would you happen
to know what that reason is?

Come on, man, I'm just proud

of myself for installing
this satellite dish.

Do you think I'm supposed
to marry Kelly, Sam?

I mean, do you think
that's what the plan is for me?

You getting cold feet, buddy?

Well, yeah,
it is a little chilly up here,

but I'm trying
to talk philosophical.

Yeah, I think
you should marry her.

You guys are in love, man.

That's the best.

(sighs)

You know, sometimes I don't
think I'll ever find someone.

I thought Diane was going
to be the one, but...

it turns out
she wasn't.

Which was lucky for me
because if she had been

I just would have
ended up killing her

and dying in the
electric chair.

That is lucky.

And Rebecca.

Well, we wanted to
have a baby together,

but that's no reason to
get serious about anyone.

You know, I used to
think I had it made.

You know, I-I got
my freedom, my bar,

goes without saying
I'm a love machine,

but recently, you know,
when I've been alone,

I kind of
feel lonely.

Well, Sam, uh, you know,
Kelly and I are probably going

to have a big,
beautiful house someday

with, uh, you know,

a garden and swimming pool
and lots of servants,

and when you get too old
to take care of yourself,

you can come live
with us.

Aw, that's sweet, man,
but I think I'll...

(chuckling):
...I think I'll
be able to manage.

Would I get
my own room?

And now, he-ere's Johnny.

(applause)
Thank you, folks.

Please don't suck up;
I'm leaving everything to Doc.

I don't know if you
know this or not,

but today is
Doc Severinsen's birthday.

(applause)

You really dressed up tonight.

Yeah, a little
something special.

If you think
that's in bad taste,

you ought to see him
in his real birthday suit.

(laughter)

Doc is so old...

Oh, my God,
here it comes.

ALL:
How old is he?

Yes.
...when he
was a kid

he never blew out candles
on a birthday cake.

They didn't have fire yet.

(audience groans)

Ooh,

stay where you are.

Fortunately, folks,
in a situation like this,

the, uh, the band
has instructions to come over

and form a human barrier
in front of a star.

How did that line get
on the cue cards anyway?

I should have done that joke

with one of those big blue dots
covering my face.

Who wrote that
joke anyway?

I-I wrote that joke

and it was great.

Pardon me?

The problem wasn't the joke,
the problem was you.

You botched it.

You botched my joke,
Johnny Carson!

Sit down, please.
I'm not going to sit down!

I wrote that joke.

Get your hands off me.

Is this the way you treat
your talent, Carson?!

Ladies and gentlemen,
the president of NBC.

(applause)

Excuse me.

With all due respect,
Mr. Carson,

you didn't tell
my son's joke correctly.

You're his mother?

Yes.

And I want you
to tell it again

and this time
put a little life into it.

Audience, can you stand
to hear this joke again?

(applause)

Doc is so old...

ALL:
How old is he?

...when he was a kid
he never blew out candles

on a birthday cake.

They didn't have fire yet.

(audience groaning)

No, no, now tell it again and
this time hit the word "have."

And it wouldn't kill you
to turn on the applause sign.

Hit, hit, hit the word "have"?

Have.

Doc is so old...

ALL:
How old is he?

...when he was a kid
he never blew out candles

on a birthday cake.

They didn't have fire yet.

(cheering
and applause)

You see, they heard that joke
three times

and they still laughed.

Now, don't tell me
my son doesn't know comedy.

You-You're a pretty
funny lady yourself.

Would you like
to come down and join me?

Ooh, I'd love that.
(cheering and applause)

Here, hold my purse.

Oh, this is so exciting.

(giggles)

CLIFF:
Oh, yeah, there'll be a
lawsuit, that's for sure.

In a year, this
is going to be

the Clavin
Broadcasting Company.

Yep, his name is
in the computer.

And here's a flash--
he's a postal worker.

I can take your torture.

I'm not scared
of you guys.

(applause over television)
My poor mother's out there.

CARSON:
Thank you very much.

She had to watch
her only son being dragged off.

You've probably broken
that old woman's spirit.

Johnny, I want to give you
a little advice.

Mm-hmm.

When you retire,
get dressed every morning.

You don't want to sit around

all day in your pajamas.

You lose some dignity.
Ah,

thank you, Mrs. Clavin.

Oh, please,
call me Esther.

(whispering):
Ma's with Johnny.

CARSON:
Esther, how did your son get
this joke on in the first place?

A friend of Clifford's
arranged that.

Mm-hmm.
In fact
he's here tonight.

Norman, come on down,
and bring my purse.

(applause and cheering
over television)

Listen, come on,
let's get out of here.

Ah, in a minute,
Norm, in a minute.

Normie, right here...

this is where
Johnny did my joke.

Yeah.
(chuckles)

Yeah... this is probably
just the beginning, though.

I mean, who knows?

You know, Leno may see it,
uh, hire me as a writer,

in a few years, retire himself,
name me as his successor.

Come on, Cliffie, let's...
come on.

Go on, I'll meet
you outside.
Come on.

(clears throat)

Ladies and gentlemen,

he-ere's Cliffie.

Feels, uh, feels good,
doesn't it?

(breathing heavily)

Sure does, Mr. Carson.

Now, get the hell out of here
before I call security.

Esther, does Spago's Restaurant
sound okay?

Nobody knows for
sure, Woody, but...

that's what I think
happens when you die.

Well, that's great, Sam,

especially the part about
the Snickers for breakfast.