All language subtitles for Abbott.And.Costello.Buck.Privates.Come.Home.1947.720p.BluRay.H264.AAC-RARBG.

A victory march through Paris.

The buck privates have
fought their war and won.

And they march in glory.

Their reward, they're going home.

It's one of the miracles of our times that

this, the greatest fighting force

the world has ever known came

into being one Autumn day in 1940.

On this day, Congress passed
the Draft Act, calling

the nation's youth to arms.

And the young manhood of
America answered the call.

They came millions strong from
all walks of life, farmers

and school boys and others of
less creditable occupation.

If I ever had the
opportunity of presenting

such merchandise to the public.

Feel that material.

That's enough.

Now friends, all I'm
asking for is 10 cents.

I got a buck.

The gentleman buys 10 ties.

How could he sell ties that cheap?

We ain't got no overhead.

We haven't even got a
license to sell these ties.

Feel that material.

It won't wrinkle or fade.

- No sense to it.
- Fade, Smitty fade.

What's wrong, what's wrong?

The opper-cay is here.

Some were so eager

to volunteer they actually
ran to the recruiting station.

Herbie, quick get in line.

We'll hide in the movies.

Yeah and when we
do, we'll stay a long time.

All right, get a couple tickets.

Okay.

These were the buck privates.

They had to be taught the arts of war.

They had to learn to become soldiers.

Get back there.

You first four form in.

Right face.

Forward march.

Detail halt.

Left face.

Order arms.

You four men are undoubtedly
the dumbest numbskulls

I've ever had the misfortune of drilling.

Private Smith fall out.

Smith you seem to know
what this is all about.

I want you to take over
these men and drill 'em

for half an hour,

and see if you can sweat
some sense into them.

I'm exhausted.

The rest of you men follow me.

Forward march.

Nick, put my gun in the tent.

One, two, three, four.

Bingo.

Now you behave yourself.

You understand?

I won't warn you again.

Get your chins up.

Get your chest out.

Throw out your chest.

Get your chest out.

Throw it out.

I'm not through with it yet.

Quiet.

Right shoulder arms.

Come on.

Pick it up.

- Thought I had it.
- Pick it up.

- All right.
- Come on, come on.

Snap into it.

What's a matter?

- Big man now, big captain.
- Quiet.

Okay, okay.

Order arm.

I'll have a cap pistol.

You keep quiet.

I won't warn you again.

- All right, all right.
- All right.

- Pick on somebody else.
- Quiet.

Right shoulder arms.

I said right shoulder arms.

That's your left shoulder.

- I'm left handed.
- Get it over.

It feels better over here.

Get it over there.

Get it over there.

Left shoulder arms.

Right shoulder arms.

Left shoulder arms.

Right shoulder arms.

Get.

Why don't you make up your mind?

Get back there.

Come on.

Right shoulder arm and an arm and arm.

Quiet.

Do as you're told.

Order arms.

Right shoulder arm, left shoulder arm.

Quiet.

Present arms.

Come on, I don't want it.

I don't want it.

Do you want it?

Put it up there.

Get it up.

Get it up.

Right face.

Come on, come on.

Left face.

Turn with the rest of them.

The guy hit me.

Well, turn with the rest of 'em.

Pick it up.

Right face.

Right face.

Forward march.

Halt, halt, halt.

Where are you going?

I don't know, I don't know.

You don't know.

Well, find out.

Now get with it.

What time is it?

- None of your business.
- Okay.

About face.

Forward march.

Hi fellows.

Halt, halt.

You guys are going the wrong way.

Will you get in line here?

I don't know.

You got me in this mess brother.

Get a load of this.

Right face, forward march.

Halt.

Right face.

Forward march.

Halt.

Right face.

Forward march.

Halt.

Left face.

Gently.

Right face, right face.

Boy, what a time we had with them three.

Forward march.

Even now, with
a victory long since won,

it's hard to believe
that these precision-like

columns marching homeward
were the awkward, raw

recruits of short years ago.

Left, right, left, right.

Left, right, left, right.

Left, right.

Left, halt.

About face.

Wait a minute.

What are you talking about?

I don't know.

Forward march.

Left, right, left, right,
left, right, left, right.

What's a matter with you Brown?

Halt.

About face.

Come here.

If I gotta die of old age

in this many's army, I'm gonna teach

you your left foot from your right.

I don't think it's gonna
do much good Sergeant.

None of your lip.

- Honest.
- Carry on.

Forward march.

Left, right, left,
right, left, right, left.

Collins.

Yes sir.

Get the men to their quarters.

The colonel's ordered
shake down inspection.

Too may of the men have been
bringing in illegal souvenirs.

Very well sir.

See that every
duffle bag is unpacked

and ready for a thorough search.

I understand sir.

Hey, hey you guys.

Look everything that's hot.

The captain's coming down for inspection.

What's a matter?

They don't know the war's over.

Don't push me.

All right, all right, stop worrying.

I gotta get this bag outta here.

You don't have to get it out.

Just get rid of the contraband.

I still gotta get this bag outta here.

Wait a minute.

What have you got in that bag?

Slicker, don't stop me.

What have you got in that bag?

Just stuff.

- What stuff?
- Any, any kind of stuff.

You have got contraband.

Haven't you?

- Contraband.
- Speak up.

Tell me the truth.

Yeah.

I thought so, so show it to me.

All right.

This German booby trap.

Well, why worry about that?

They'll think that's a camera.

Forget about.

Wait a minute.

Has that been de-mined?

Has it been what?

You know, disconnected.

You don't have to worry Slicker.

Nothing ever happens when you do this.

And nothing never
happens when you do this.

But never, never, never do that.

That's what sets off the bomb.

I see.

It's a time bomb.

Get rid of it.

You do it.

I don't want it.

Right here.

I don't want it.

Get rid of it.

You won't hear it now if it goes off.

Neither will you.

Get out everybody.

Get out.

Wait a minute, not you, not you, not you.

Not you, here.

- Put this here.
- No, no.

- Get rid of it.
- No Slicker.

Get rid of it.

Hold it, hold it.

Go ahead, get rid of it.

What are you?

Not it, not in there.

Not in there.

Out, out.

Out the porthole.

Get out of there.

Out the porthole.

You mean the window.

Get over there.

Get out.

Hello Slicker.

Evey, how did you...

I told Herbie not to...

Duck, duck quick.

Hurry up, get in there.

Duck.

Herbie.

Herbie, Herbie, Herbie, Herbie, Herbie.

Wow, am I glad I got that window open.

Then why didn't you throw

it overboard when you were outside?

Because you told me to
throw it out the window.

And I always do what you tell me to do.

You do, do you?

Didn't I tell you not to bring...

Hey, here comes the old man.

Ten-hut.

What was that?

Thunder.

Maybe we'll get rain.

Now we'll get hail.

Close that porthole and keep it closed.

Take over sergeant.

I'll be back as soon
as I change my blouse.

Yes sir.

All right you guys.

Get out of my way.

Break out your gear for inspection.

Everything.

Brown.

After six long years,

I can read that baby face
of yours like a book.

Now you're up to something.

Give me that bag.

No, no.

What's that?

I don't know.

- Open it up.
- No, no.

Give me the bag.

Open it up.

That's an order Brown.

Slicker.

Turn around the other way.

What's the matter.

The other way, the other way.

Evey.

Hi Sarge.

Hello fellas.

Hello Evey.

This is one thing I know nothing about.

Evey, tell the sergeant
who put you in the bag.

You did Uncle Herbie.

This does it.

Brown, I told you to
leave this kid in France.

I just couldn't stay behind
with Uncle Herbie gone.

Besides, she had no place
to go or no one to go to

but Slicker and me.

We've been just like
a mom and papa to her.

Leave me out of this.

Okay papa.

There's no use arguing.

It's against regulations.

I gotta report it.

If you do, they'll send her back.

And then she'll have to
go to an orphan asylum.

That's a wrap you wouldn't
want on your conscience Sarge.

How 'bout pretending you didn't see her?

Sure, sure, and lose my stripes for it.

Then what?

You might become a regular guy.

Who said that?

I did.

Hey, look fellas, I
don't make the rules.

But I gotta carry 'em out.

I must report Evey.

Sergeant, I know I
don't know my right foot

from my left, but I do
know right from wrong.

And if you send Evey back, that's wrong.

Herbie let the sarge do his duty.

After all, back in the states,
we're just a couple of...

Look, let's face facts.

Even if we get the kid through.

We're not used to any responsibility.

Where do we go from there?

What about Uncle Herbie's tie business

on Times Square, the
one where he hires you

to sweep the floor?

Hires me?

Yes.

And he also pays Sergeant
Collins to be the night watchman.

What have you been telling

this kid you miserable little goldbrick?

You oughta be ashamed
of yourself talking

to Uncle Herbie that way.

After all the times he saved your life.

He what?

Sarge, if you touch Uncle Herbie,

I, I don't know what I'll do.

I know.

I'll tell the captain.

You'll tell the captain what?

How you brought me on
board and how you hid me

in Private Brown's barrack's bag.

Sure, sure, how I brought
you on board, how I hid you

in Brown's barrack's bag.

I wouldn't brag about it Sergeant.

You know that aiding a
stowaway is against regulation.

That's just what I was telling them sir.

Well, why did you do it?

I didn't do it.

I just heard you say you did.

It wasn't me, sir.

It was him.

And blaming and innocent
man won't help Collins.

Bring that child to my
stateroom immediately.

Yes sir.

- Brown.
- Yes sir, I'll go with you.

You'll answer to me for this

and that goes for the rest of you guys.

Bye, Uncle Herbie.

I'm sorry I got you
fellas into this mess.

Slicker.

Slicker I didn't mean
to get you into trouble.

I.

Look Slicker, if it'll make
you feel any better, slap

me right in the face,
right here in this face.

Go away from me.

Go ahead Slicker.

Come on, it'll make me
feel better if you slap me

in the face right there.

Told you to get away from me.

Didn't I?

Slicker, this is the only
thing I've ever asked you

to do for me.

Slap me in the face right there.

I had to coax him for it.

Ouch.

No matter who's responsible

for bringing her aboard,
I see no other course

but to turn her over to
the immigration officials

in the states and have her
sent back on the next boat.

Yes sir.

- Lieutenant Hunter.
- Yes sir.

Would you take care of

the child during the rest of the voyage?

Certainly.

My name is Sylvia Hunter, Evey.

Would you like to share my stateroom?

I'd rather stay with Uncle Herbie.

Of course you would.

But being an old timer

and a company mascot, you know the army.

Regulations are regulations.

Okay.

But if we lived up to all
the regulations handed down

by the brass hats, we'd a lost the war.

Who did you hear say that?

Sergeant Collins.

Is that all sir?

Not quite.

I have the colonel's approval

to give a company party for the men.

You pitch in and give
the mess officer a hand.

Yes sir.

Sergeant, the captain wants
to get the party started

on time, so snap to it.

Yes sir.

Brown, Smith.

Yes sir.

Get that stuff outta the way.

And you and Brown set up...

Where's Brown?

- Okay sir.
- Brown.

Yes.

Brown.

Yes sir.

Where is that...

Brown.

What do you want?

Come here.

Brown.

Where is he?

He's looking for you in there.

Go ahead.

What's the matter with you?

Where is that imbecile?

I can't find him Slicker.

Didn't I always tell you
that he was a big dope?

Didn't I?

Right?

Brown.

Sergeant, did you call me?

- I was.
- What do you think?

How's Evey?

Evey's all right.

And so's anybody else who
stays away from you guys.

Now get busy and set up that buffet table.

Snap to it.

Oh what?

Okay.

Get that thing out of here.

I'll get the saw horse.

You mean seahorse.

Saw horse.

Sea horse, we're on a boat.

Ain't we?

Slicker.

Go ahead.

Come on.

Give me a hand with this table.

And don't drop it.

Pick it up.

That a boy.

- Is it too heavy for you?
- No.

All right, come on, swing it around.

That a boy.

That's swell.

Now, get that tablecloth over there.

Hurry up.

Come on, throw it over the table.

Throw it over the table.

Right.

What are you doing?

Throw it over the table.

Go get that tablecloth.

Get the tablecloth.

All right.

Come on, come on.

Get it up here.

Now you take that end.

All right, go ahead, run it down.

Herbie, when they serve the
food don't reach for it.

Ask for it.

Ask for it?

Certainly, you have a tongue.

Haven't you?

Yes sir, but I can reach
much further with my hands.

Go get the silverware.

Go ahead, hurry up.

Come on, come on.

Snap into it.

Get the turkey.

You're worse than the sarge, you.

Get the turkey.

Get with it, get with it.

Right.

Now, look put it over
in the center here.

Look, you know, dress it up.

That's it.

Take the bread.

That a boy.

Now you're doing something.

Yeah, mama's little helper.

You're all right.

Now let's see.

The cake.

You take the cake.

Now, don't touch.

That cake's for the boys.

And don't drop it.

Be careful.

Watch out.

Is it too heavy?

What did I tell you?

Didn't I tell you to
stay out of that cake?

- I don't understand it.
- Don't.

Now, don't tell me what you understand.

I'm telling you not to eat that cake.

I told you it was for the boys.

Didn't I?

Now, wipe your mouth of off.

Look at that.

It's on your chin, on your nose.

What?

You went at it again?

Look, Slicker, I'm telling you.

Get out of there.

I told you not to touch that cake.

Didn't I?

All right, Mr. Slicker.

Ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Now get that silverware around the table.

Go ahead, spread it around.

I might as well shave.

Spread that silverware around.

- Okay.
- Look where you put the cake.

Look where you put the cake
on the edge of the table.

Slicker.

Stingy.

Get that fruit bowl.

Well I mean, I, I don't know what.

Go on, get the fruit bowl you dope.

Put it on the table.

Go ahead, put it on there.

- Pick it up.
- I won't drop it.

Put it on there.

Ten-hut.

Collins.

Ms. Sylvia, will I even get

to see Uncle Herbie before I go?

Well, those are the orders Evey.

I'm sure he'd of been here if he could.

But we have to leave
the ship before the men.

If they'd only give him
time, he'd fix everything.

He's the smartest man in the outfit.

He is?

Sergeant Collins said nobody
could teach him anything.

You really love your Uncle Herbie.

Don't you?

I'd marry him if I was a little bigger

and he was a little littler.

Are you married?

No, I almost was,

but everybody isn't as
perfect as your Uncle Herbie.

Come in.

Lieutenant Hunter, this is Mrs. Edwards

from the immigration office.

She'll take charge of the little girl.

Thank you lieutenant.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

Evey, if I give you my
address, will you write me?

Of course.

And will you try to find
Uncle Herbie in Times Square,

and let him read the letter.

I will Evey.

Here.

Take extra good care of her.

Won't you?

Yes I will.

Come along Evey.

Bye Aunt Sylvia.

Bye Evey.

On deck men.

We're going ashore.

Say what comes after this medical exam?

You're a civilian bud.

What's a civilian?

That's the guy that tells you

about the grand times he
had when he was in the army.

Yeah, when they get you in
the army they rush you to bed,

and then they rush you to get up.

They rush you here.

They rush you there.

They rush you everywhere.

And when it's time for you

to get out everybody takes their time.

Stop griping.

Stop griping.

Sergeant Collins, you and
me got a score to settle.

When you were a cop if I hit you,

it was resisting an officer.

And if I hit you when

you're a sergeant it's insubordination.

But when you and me go out that
front gate, we're civilians.

Then what?

I'll forget about the whole thing.

I guess I scared him.

Look at those lucky guys over there.

Gettin' out today.

Yeah, and we're just goin' in.

Hey Slicker.

What's a matter now?

I think I got a way of
beating all this red tape.

10, this is a shorter line.

I'll get out quicker.

All right boys, take your shirts off.

Off with the shirts everybody.

What's your hurry bud?

Keep your shirt on.

You just told me to take my shirt off.

I told you to keep your
shirt on taking your shirt off.

How can get my shirt
on and take my shirt off?

Pardon me, is your name Abbott?

- Abbott?
- Abbott.

Inside rookie.

Rookie.

Silly boy.

You.

Let's go pal.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Listen sergeant, that's not for me.

- No?
- No.

Listen, I just got through
telling you that's not for me.

You.

Now wait a minute.

Now look sergeant.

Caught you that time.

Now wait a minute.

I just told.

Now enough is enough.

Now if you guys wanna do
needlepoint work on a chair cover.

It hurts.

Let's go.

Gentlemen, I don't want be stuck here

the rest of the afternoon.

How much longer is this going to go on?

This is the end.

Silly boy.

Herbie, Herbie.

Herbie, Herbie.

Don't let 'em do it to you.

Herbie, don't let 'em do it to you Herbie.

It's too late.

This man is being separated.

Separated?

I've just been shot to pieces.

- Herbie.
- Slicker.

All right, take it easy.

What you did to me.

- All right Herbie.
- Slicker.

I know, Slicker will take care of you.

What they done to me.

I know, I know.

Don't, don't.

- Come on.
- Slicker.

Hello, Mr. Drew.

This is the little French
girl who's going back

on this afternoon's boat.

Yes, I have all her papers right here.

Will you explain to her that she has

to wait in the next room until boat time.

What she say?

She says to tell you she speaks English.

Come along dear.

You wait in here.

Be a good girl.

Sorry I'm late Drew.

Anything doing?

One case.

You'll find the papers on the desk.

Okay, I'll look through
them in a few minutes.

What are you doing in here?

What am I?

You kids have been told time

and time again not to play ball out there.

But, nobody ever told me, because I...

Nevermind about that.

Don't you know you can
get in trouble going

around and smashing up
government property?

I'm sorry.

Well, guess I better be going now.

Not that way.

Out the front way with you.

Come on.

More trouble with you kids.

Don't let me catch you around here again.

Thank you, you won't.

That kid.

Step right up.

Today and today only I am
selling $15 ties for 35 cents.

Think of it gentlemen, pure
silk and wears like iron.

I'll, my merchandise speaks for itself.

Far be it from me to resort
to the power of suggestion.

But I, wait I'll go you one better.

I will demonstrate gentlemen.

Plus, I will need a subject now.

If some kind gentleman will step forward,

it only takes a second.

Anyone at all.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

- And thank you.
- You're welcome.

Would you step forward?

Hello.

Thank you stranger for stepping up.

Stranger, why Slicker.

Yes, just a minute.

Everything is going to be all right.

Now gentlemen, I want to prove

to you that I can hypnotize each

and every one of you and sell you my ties.

But far be it from me to
do anything dishonest.

Now, just keep your eye on me gentlemen.

Now, just look into my eyes.

Just stand still.

I'm going to put you to sleep.

- Gonna put me to sleep.
- Yes.

I just got up.

That's quite all right.

I'm gonna put you to sleep.

It's gonna be a short day.

Okay, all right, now
just look into my eyes.

Look into my eyes.

There you are.

You tell me when you get sleepy.

Tell me when you get drowsy.

- When I get what?
- Drowsy, drowsy.

Now, just take it easy now.

- Drowsy.
- All right, all right.

Please pay attention to the professor.

Okay, now, stand still.

There we are.

Look, I mean, after all,
I, I mean, that's not nice.

I mean that's, now put me to sleep.

But don't go, don't.

Will you?

That's not really nice.

Stand still please.

Now just hold still a minute.

There he goes again.

Will you stand still please?

I'm telling you that's
not nice in the face.

Not like that, because, I
mean, I don't go for that.

Now, don't do it again.

Will you do as I tell you?

Stand still.

Several ties nice, but
don't go like that, because...

Just a minute please.

Where do you think you're at?

What's the matter with you?

I mean, but.

Quiet.

There he's going.

There you are boys.

The boy is now in a state of
coma, cannot utter a word.

- Am I right?
- Right.

Right.

Now gentlemen I wanna prove

to you these ties are
absolutely wrinkle proof.

You see I have here three ties
securely knotted together.

Feel that notch right here.

Feel that.

That's the idea.

Now boys I'm going to take here.

Loan me your hat a minute.

- What for?
- I wanna do a trick in it.

Not in my hat.

Come, come, come, just hold on to it.

I'm not gonna harm your hat my friend.

I'm gonna throw these
ties securely knotted

into the hat like that.

Now friends if any one of those ties come

out of that hat with a wrinkle

in it, I'll make you a present of it.

Watch it.

Hocus-pocus, alacazam, and
here we have tie number one.

Here we have tie number two.

And here we have tie number three

without a wrinkle in 'em boys.

I'll take three ties.

Now, you're talking sense.

Hey, what am I gonna do with these?

- You know.
- It's a rat.

Who's the officer in here?

I am.

Well, there's a couple
of phony tie fellas

down the block taking us
suckers for our dough.

Is one of them a tall,
skinny guy, the other one

a short squirt with a baby face?

Yeah, that's right.

No, it couldn't be.

It couldn't happen to me,
not on the first day back

on my old beat.

But if it is...

So it is you guys.

Sarge.

Somebody hit you in the
face with a cake again?

Boy you had us scared for a minute.

We thought you were back
on the police force.

Slicker, he is.

Come on.

Come back here.

You leave my Uncle Herbie alone.

Evey, Evey.

Hey.

Hey, head for the subway.

Come on.

Are you all right officer?

No.

Warm day isn't it Collins?

Yes sir.

Too warm for a uniform, isn't it?

No sir.

Then why aren't you wearing one?

I was chasing a couple of peddlers.

And?

And they got away with
a little French kid that's

in the country illegally.

I see.

There were two peddlers and a child who's

in this country illegally.

And you let them get away.

No sir.

I tripped and fell down.

You certainly did.

Perhaps you won't find any obstacles

in your new path of duty on 10th Avenue.

But, but, captain you're
sending me right back

to where I started.

That's where you belong.

After all, Mr. Duprez

a seven year old child can't continue

to run around the streets.

She'll certainly contact you
or one of your countrymen.

Mr. Roberts, we are only too happy

to cooperate with the immigration service.

The moment we hear
anything of a Yvonne LeBrec

we'll contact your office.

Fine, thank you very much.

I hope I'll hear from you.

Mademoiselle Marchant,
send the other people.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

Hello son.

Hello.

Well gentlemen,
what can I do for you?

Well sir, you see
when we overseas we met

a little French orphan girl,

and we'd like to know how
to go about adopting here.

Yes, as a playmate for our nephew.

Cousin.

- Your what?
- Cousin.

Nephew.

I don't understand.

Well you see, he's my
nephew and his cousin.

Where does this little French girl live?

- Paris.
- Marseilles.

Marseilles.

Paris.

Paris, Marseilles.

Yeah, her mama's a traveling salesman.

Look, we'll give you all the details.

Mr. Duprez as soon as we
found out what we're to do.

Well, we try to keep the qualifications

for adoption as simple as we can.

First, you must have
an established business

or a steady job.

Of course, you must be married

and able to meet our standards of a

decent home and good surroundings.

It's nice to have met you Mr. Duprez.

We'll be back just as
soon as Uncle Herbie takes

care of all those things.

I'll hope so.

Bright youngster.

Yes sir.

How old is he?

- Six.
- Seven.

- Seven.
- Six.

6 1/2.

- Right in the middle.
- Yeah.

What's his name?

- Pat.
- Mike.

- Mike.
- Pat.

What is your name son?

Don't you tell him Evey.

- Evey.
- Evey.

Did I Evey?

Yes, E. V.

That's her name, Edward Vincent.

Her name?

No, monsieur.

What does that mean?

We're dead ducks.

Slicker get the kid.

Thank you for your encouragement.

We'll be back as soon as.

Uncle Herbie takes care of everything.

Get out, hurry up.

Get out.

Nice to have met you.

Yvonne.

Yvonne LeBrec.

Hello, hello, get me
the immigration office.

Herbie, it's all ridiculous.

We can no more adopt Evey than fly.

I told you I'd get a job.

Sure.

Where are we gonna live in the meantime?

The cops are possibly barging
our boarding house right now.

I bet Aunt Sylvia'll take us in.

Aunt Sylvia, who is she?

I adopted her just the
way I did you Uncle Herbie.

And when I told her about you,
she sounded very interested.

She sounded interested
without even seeing me.

I wonder what she'd say if she saw me.

That's what I'm worrying about.

Hey, remember what that man said?

We've gotta get married.

We have to get married.

Slicker, you wouldn't marry me.

Would you?

Now don't get silly.

You ever hear of anyone marrying a man.

- Yes sir.
- Who?

My mother.

Your.

Wait a minute.

Have you got Aunt Sylvia's address?

- Where is it?
- Right here.

Let me see.

Give me that.

- Well come on.
- What are we waiting for?

Come on.

Hey aren't you ready yet?

Just about.

Now at least I thought
the army would teach you

to address on time.

Well glamor wasn't
part of the regulations.

And knowing you, this isn't going

to be any run of the mill inspection.

Well, no wonder our side won the war.

You've kept in practice, Bill.

I hope you're still as fast

on the track as you are with the ladies.

Honey, you know where

you're concerned, there's no competition.

I'd a been sure if
you'd kept on writing.

Now look, it isn't fun
to share the eight ball.

When I ran out of luck I
guess I ran out of ink.

As long as you didn't run
out of me everything is okay.

It's better than that.

With you around everything's
gonna break my way.

Perfect timing.

Who is it?

Evey.

Evey.

Yes.

Here I am, Evey.

Evey, how did you?

What are you doing in those clothes?

We've got to fool the police.

I ran away.

Is this your Aunt Sylvia?

You must be Uncle Herbie.

No, I'm Slicker.

This is Uncle Herbie.

Won't you come in?

Well, come on.

This is Bill Gregory.

- Glad to know you Bill.
- Slicker, Herbie.

- Hello, how are you?
- Hi.

Evey's the little French
girl I was telling you about.

- Well, hello, Evey.
- Hello.

Gee, you have a beautiful place here.

Thank you very much.

You're welcome.

You boys seem to be in sort of a mix up.

Come on let's sit down and talk about it.

Okay.

Won't take but a couple of minutes.

What seems to be the problem?

Aunt Sylvia, we don't
have any place to live.

Well, I think we can arrange that here.

Is there anything else I can do to help?

Well, you see we wanna adopt Evey,

but we can't until we get

into some kind of legitimate business.

I see.

And another thing, I,
I, I gotta get married.

But of course we can talk
about that some other time.

Glad to, anytime.

Pardon me for butting in,
but maybe I can help too.

How'd you fellas like to go
in the automobile business?

Automobile business.

Bill's one of the top
drivers in the country.

He races midgets.

Races midgets.

Why don't you race with
somebody your own size.

Look stupid, he's talking
about little automobiles.

I built the fastest thing on wheels.

The only trouble is
it's sitting in a garage

with $8,000 in unpaid bills against it.

Wait a minute.

I think we can help you.

Between our separation pay

and the loans the banks
are giving the vets,

I think we can do it.

Good, 'cause if I get my
car out of hock, I'm a cinch

to win the Gold Cup stakes Saturday.

And that prize money's
just peanuts compared

to what we'll make
manufacturing the engine.

But we'll have $50,000
in orders 20 minutes

after the race is over.

Give me a pencil, I wanna
start taking orders right away.

Bill, you've got a couple of partners.

Herbie, we're in business.

I'm gonna start taking orders.

Here's my card.

Drop over tomorrow, and
we'll talk things over.

Swell.

I gotta go see Mulroney the garage man.

Now he can't sell me out.

Okay.

Honey will you excuse me?

I've gotta get on this right away.

Boy do you bring me luck.

See you tomorrow.

Excuse me.

I'll go to the door with you.

Don't look like she's
much interested in you.

I'm sorry Uncle Herbie.

I didn't know she liked him.

That's all right honey.

I'd rather marry a homely girl
than a pretty girl anyway.

Why?

Well, if you marry a pretty girl,

she's liable to run away.

But Uncle Herbie, isn't
a homely girl liable

to run away too?

Yeah, but who cares?

It's awful nice of you to let us stay.

I don't need a pillow Aunt Sylvia.

Okay hon.

Uncle Herbie.

- Here's a pillow for you.
- Thanks honey.

Good night Uncle Slicker.

Good night Evey.

Good night Uncle Herbie.

Good night darling.

Gee, she looks cute.

I'll say she does.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Thank you Slicker, thank you.

Get up out of there.

Get up.

I sleep in there.

Well, you just put me in.

- Didn't you?
- Don't give me that.

You put me in like a little baby, like

a mama puts a little baby in the bed.

That's my bed.

I was already in it.

You'll stay out of it.

That's no way to treat a return veteran.

Go away.

What's the matter returned veteran?

When we were overseas you
didn't fire off a gun.

I didn't have to.

I did all my fighting with a knife.

- With a knife.
- With a knife.

I had 6,382 to my credit.

- Enemies?
- No potatoes.

Stop.

And furthermore, I was right

where the bullets were the thickest.

Where was that?

Underneath the ammunition truck.

Stop.

Get up out of there.

Get up.

Now listen you.

Straighten out that hooked rug.

Hooked rug?

That's what I said.

Slicker that's no way
to talk about Ms. Sylvia.

It's none of our
business how she got it.

Go to bed, go to bed.

Ms. Sylvia hookin' rugs.

Too hot.

Poor Herbie.

I should never have let him go out

on that fire escape with that blanket.

Might need it myself.

Are you sleep yet Herbie?

Not yet Slicker, but I'm
just about ready to fall off.

Slicker.

Slicker.

So, that's what you
mean when you complain

about the size of the wash.

The minute I go out the door
that comes in the window.

But Eustace.

I'll settle with you later.

First I want to get my hands
on that clothesline Casanova.

Slick.

Herbie.

The other way, the other way.

- Slicker.
- Yeah, all right.

Slicker.

- Give me your hand.
- Over the other side.

All right.

Slicker, on the other side.

Herbie.

Slicker.

Come here.

Hey boy, now.

Slicker.

- Come back here.
- The other way.

You cool off there.

What's the matter with you?

Here we are.

You let go of the line.

Now, listen, who's that line belong to?

- Slicker.
- No, no.

You'll have trouble with me.

Will you let go of that line?

I put it up.

Didn't I?

You did.

You're gonna break the rope.

Look, if you don't let go
of that line, I'll cut it.

I'd like to see you do it.

Don't coax him, please don't.

He's a nice man.

Slicker.

You keep out of this.

Here I am standing up,
fighting your battles.

And what do you do?

Lie down, take it easy.

Slicker.

As far as he's concerned,
he hasn't got nerve enough

to cut the line.

Is that so?

Now listen Slicker.

Now wait.

Mr. you win.

Slicker.

Hey, you, you, Mr. you wouldn't.

Don't, don't.

No, no.

Pardon me for dropping in.

Herbie Brown.

I think you forgot
your gloves patrolman.

I'm chasing one of
them peddlers Captain.

He was in my bed and...

And when he got up he put on your pants.

Yes sir.

No sir.

I mean, I was so excited I forgot.

I'll put 'em on right away.

That'll be fine.

And Collins, don't bother
about putting on your shoes.

Where I'm transferring
you the grass will be

so high nobody will ever notice your feet.

But, but, but.

And Collins, keep your trap shut.

Slicker, Slicker.

Slicker.

Herbie, Herbie,
Herbie, take it easy now.

We gotta get out of here Slicker.

Sergeant Collins lives here.

We gotta find some place to live.

Well, that won't be easy.

Why not?

We're veterans.

That oughta give us a priority.

There it is.

There hasn't been a house like this

on the market since the war began.

Slicker, let's get it.

It'll be swell for Evey.

Not so fast.

Let's go inside first.

Just a minute friend.

I promised this house to another party.

If you take the time to go inside

and he comes along, I'll have

to give him the house.

Slicker, let's get it
before the other guy comes.

How much?

$735.

All right you've got a deal.

Good, good.

- You got a deal.
- Be quiet.

- Okay.
- How much?

$735.

730.

Herbie, you pay him.

Herbie, you pay him.

Go ahead, pay the man.

That's all you do.

You put your hand in your pocket.

You come out with some stuff,

but you're afraid to release it.

Go ahead release yours.

Now I know what they
mean by separation pay.

Go ahead.

735.
- 735.

- 735.
- There you are.

Thank you.

That's swell.

Now...

There's your lease.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you sir.

That's, now we're all set.

Thank you a lot.

Thanks ever so much.

Okay Joe.

Boy, this is our house.

It's all ours.

Thanks a lot boy.

Hey Slicker, where ya' going?

$735 for a broken down old bus.

What are you kicking about?

I got the worst of it.

I can't drive.

Boy.

That's a pip.

And Bill says it'll do
better than 90 miles an hour.

Get inside.

No, I will not.

Even standing still it's
going too fast for me.

Hey fellas come here a minute.

Come on.

Why you two are over the bank arranging

for your loans I'll have the
corporation papers set up.

Why, aren't you coming along with us?

Not me, because of that car
I owe money all over town.

And I think you'd both
do better without me.

Just show 'em these blueprints.

And if they know anything at
all about engines, you're in.

Swell.

And here's a scale model.

Here's how she starts.

Now look fellas.

Take good care of her, will you?

I spent a lot of time on this little baby.

It was taken right from
that one over there.

This little baby was taken

- from that one over there.
- Yep.

Isn't it kind of young to
be taken away from its mother?

Come on, let's get to the bank.

Go ahead, pick it up.

I'll take good care of it.

All right, see you later Bill.

- Good luck boys.
- Come on.

I beg your pardon.

But who do we see about getting a GI loan?

Mr. Quince, go right in.

Thank you.

Hey Slicker, look.

J. P. Quince, private, service man.

- How do you do?
- How do you do sir?

Hi buddy, when were you discharged?

Discharged, why I've
been here six years.

Six years and still a private,
this guy's dumber than me.

Well, what can
I do for you gentlemen?

Well, we're veterans.

We've come for our $4,000 loan.

I'm afraid it isn't as easy as all that.

According to the GI Bill of Rights,

it says right here on page 10 that you go

to the bank, all you gotta do is...

I know.

But first we must be convinced of

the soundness of your enterprise.

You are toy makers?

Toy makers.

This is a model, a model of
the fastest midget racing car

on the tracks today.

And have you gentlemen
had experience with motors?

Yes, yes, yes, many.

You see, overseas we were assigned

to the jeep section of the motor pool.

Driving them?

Washing them.

Pay no attention to him.

Just take a look at these blueprints.

This is all Greek to me.

Would you mind explaining
the basic engineering

principles of the car?

I'd be delighted.

Let me have these.

Now, according to these blueprints,

this car will accelerate
to 85 miles an hour

on the straightaways and decelerate

to 55 miles an hour on the turns.

You understand that?

- Yes.
- You do?

Then explain it to me.

Well, perhaps I better have
one of our experts check it.

You don't have to do that.

This model here, I'd
like to demonstrate it.

Now all you gotta do sir is go like this.

Watch.

See that?

Take it.

I don't want it.

Herbie.

What happened Herbie?

Herbie, what happened?

Speak to me.

Speak up Herbie.

- They got me.
- They got you.

They got me.

No, don't tell me that Herbie.

- Herbie.
- Slicker.

What?

Take care of Evey for me.

Yes I'll do that Herbie.

Brace up Herbie.

You'll be all right.

- Herbie.
- I'm going.

- Don't say that.
- I'm going.

Don't say that Herbie.

Slicker.

Take it easy.

Take it easy Herbie.

Slicker.

Slicker.

Herbie.

Take it easy Herbie.

Slicker, I'm going fast.

No, you don't.

No you either.

Look at this place.

Look what you've done, frightened the wits

out of our depositors,
caused a false alarm

to be sent out, and made a
shambles out of my office.

Well say something.

What do you think about the car?

Get out of here.

Get out.

Without my GI loan?

Abso, get out.

All right.

Come on.

I'm sorry.

Is that final?

Absolutely final, get out of here.

Get out, get out.

I'm gonna give you one more chance.

- Get out.
- Get out.

Okay, Slicker we ain't
gonna get that loan.

Evey, get down from there.

All right Aunt Sylvia.

We're all through Ms. Hunter.

That's fine.

No one would ever know this was
once an old broken down bus.

I should say not.

Now what about the bill?

Don't worry about that.

Mr. Smith and Mr. Brown'll be back

from the bank any minute.

Thank you.

Come on Herbie, will you?

There's no sense of us
walking the streets all day.

We might as well go home and
break the news to the kid.

I don't think I can do it.

Gee I wish that I...

GI.

- Gee I got it.
- What's the matter?

Slicker, how 'bout borrowing the money

from the GI's, the boys
from our old outfit?

Hey, that's an inspiration.

You know I'm glad I thought of that.

Why those dog faces'll be tickled

to death to kick in to help little Evey.

Slicker, you think we can get the money

by the big race Saturday?

Yes, if you keep out of my way.

Now you go on over to the bus and relax.

I'll round up the boys, all of them.

All of them except Collins.

That Slicker's a smart fella.

Why didn't I have brains enough to think

about rounding up all the
boys from our old outfit.

I should've thought of it.

No, not me, I never think of nothing.

I'm a big dope.

I can get a job.

That oughta help Evey.

Maybe I'll be almost as smart as Slicker.

That's what I'll do.

Well, are you fellas
satisfied the car is

everything I said it was.

Sure.

Here's the dough.

There you are.

Thanks fellas.

Gee Bill this is swell.

It's going to solve everybody's problem.

That calls for a drink.

Drinks are on the house boys, lemonade.

Lemonade.

You didn't expect it
to be made with apricots.

Did you?

We'd like something stronger.

Then I'll squeeze it over lemon.

You see, anything to
accommodate you boys.

Mow, it rhymes.

I'm showering.

Must be some of the boys.

Pardon me just a minute.

It's Collins.

Come on.

It can't be.

Not Collins.

It is.

Well, well, well, my favorite detail.

- My isn't this cozy.
- Now look.

All right Brown, where's that kid?

What kid?

You know what I'm talking about, Evey.

Evey, she went back to France.

Don't give me that.

It so happens the real
estate office reported that

two veterans moved in
here with a young kid.

Why Herbie's the only
young kid around here.

He ain't this young.

Give me back my doll.

Where is she?

Evey, Evey.

Where's that kid?

Evey come on out wherever you are.

Did you hear me?

No you don't.

Stand aside Brown.

- I'm gonna look in that closet.
- You'll be sorry.

Get away from there.

Now look, I'm just...

Brown, you'll get 10 years
for obstructing justice

for this you idiot.

Every knock is a boost and...

I get it.

Pardon me.

Did that light stay on?

Yes.

- Thank you.
- Why you.

Not with a child in my arms.

That Evey's here some place.

Herbie Brown if you don't
tell me where that kid is

I'll break every bone in your body.

You leave my Uncle Herbie alone.

Come out of there.

Now look Sarge.

You keep out of this.

I thought you said she
went back to France.

I didn't know she
had a roundtrip ticket.

Look can't we talk it over suds?

No, this means a promotion for me.

Now come on you two.

- Let's go forward.
- All right, take it easy.

- Quit stalling.
- All right, all right.

Keep going, keep going.

Maybe we better go out the back door.

There ain't no back door.

Officer, my name's Bill Gregory.

And these boys are my partners.

You see we just raised enough money

to pay for my new racing car.

When I win the Gold Cup Saturday, we're

in the midget car business.

And Evey is here to stay.

Collins what can you
lose by waiting till

after the race to make your pinch?

Plenty.

The tip from the real estate
office went into headquarters.

So what.

Give us another chance.

On account of you
fellas, I was transferred

from Times Square to 10th Avenue

and now from 10th Avenue to here.

And I'm sick and tired of having

the three of you hang over my head.

Boy that's it.

Get some water, get some water.

Get some water, hurry up.

Give me a handkerchief quick.

Now there's the water.

Take it easy now.

Who's that?

Roberts, the immigration service.

Get Evey under cover.

Come on Evey.

Look out.

- Bill pull the drapes.
- Okay.

You guys grab the furniture.

I'll stall them at the door.

Go head.

Grab everything.

Hey, what's going on here?

I don't know.

Open up.

What are you doing?

Well, you didn't have

to bring an officer here to evict us.

My dear young lady
I'm not here to evict...

So you wanna rent the place,

but you can't wait till we
move out so's you can move in.

Mr. Roberts doesn't
wanna rent this place.

He came here expecting a child.

Well, congratulations.

Yes.

Can't you understand?

We came here looking for a party.

I'm sorry the party's over.

Pardon me, sir.

Excuse me.

Have you seen a little girl around here?

No.

You forgot that.

That belongs to you all.

Me.

It belongs to me.

Collins.

What are you doing here?

Get up.

Answer me.

What are you doing here?

Where am I?

Where are you?

Captain.

Here's the little girl
we've been looking for.

That eviction must have been a gag.

All right, Collins,
what's your alibi this time?

Well Captain, there was...

I know, there were two
peddlers and a little girl.

And they got away again.

And this time I suppose
they took your badge.

No sir, here it is.

That's fine.

Now you can give it to me.

Hey, hold it Mulroney.

It's you.

I was just leaving for home.

I got tired waiting for you.

Yeah, well I've got the money now.

Shall we go inside?

You don't have to.

I've got the release right here.

What about a key?

I wanna take the car out

before you get down here in the morning.

That's okay with me.

But I don't know about the cops in there.

Cops.

Police.

Yeah, they're ready

to grab you the minute
you go near the car.

Hope you can straighten things out Bill.

If either one of you is
Herbie Brown, sounds like

you're headed to the electric car.

I'll be seeing you.

Did you hear what he said?

If anyone of us is Herbie
Brown, the electric chair.

That's the hot seat.

Wait a minute.

I'm Herbie Brown.

It's Collins.

Yeah, and he's got two
plainclothes men with him.

Now what can we do?

Well, they've
gotta sleep some time,

and when they do we'll get that car.

Hey, they're asleep.

Good.

Shut up.

Stop.

It's all right.

Keep quiet and don't make any noise.

What are you doing now?

Talking to myself.

Don't talk so loud.

I gotta hear what I gotta say.

Wait, you two guys go on the inside.

I'll stay out here and be a lookout.

Who you gonna look out for?

For myself.

Come on.

Now look.

We'll push the racer onto the trailer

and pull it out with a tow car.

Don't make any noise.

Watch 'em.

Make sure they don't wake up.

What are you doing?

I'm going to give him a sedative.

Stop it.

But I mean I...

Slicker.

Slicker, Slicker.

Be quiet.

Do you wanna wake 'em up?

Hit my little hand.

I know, quiet, quiet.

And let go of my coat.

Let go my coat.

I no wearing no blue sleeve.

Bill, Bill.

- Bill.
- Bill.

Harry, get a hold of these two guys.

Bill.

So I finally caught up with you guys.

You know on account of you I
was suspended from the force.

Then you're not a copper anymore.

I'll get my badge back as
soon as I turn you two mugs in.

Well if you ain't a
policeman, you can't arrest us.

But the captain can, and
I'm phoning him right now.

Why bother to phone the captain

when you got two plainclothes men?

They ain't plainclothes men.

Well, what are waiting for?

Hey Bill, fore.

A ringer.

Come here.

What's up doc?

Where are you?

Where are you?

Come here.

Let me brush you off.

- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

Where did he go?

Where did he go?

That's what I wanna know.

You.

Where are you?

Come on.

One.

Two.

Hey, hey, hey.

Get 'em.

Ed, it's you.

What are you doing in here?

Come here.

Hey Herbie, Slicker.

- Hey Bill.
- Bill.

Bill.

Follow me when you can.

Follow me when you can.

Stop that car in the name of the law.

Ladies and gentlemen, the next event is

the final qualifying heat for
the $20,000 Gold Cup race.

The entries are now being
towed for the warmup.

And in a few minutes, six
of the fastest midget cars

in the country will compete
for starting positions

in the big race.

Here they come into the turn.

I think they might get the flag.

They're off.

That a boy.

Come on Bill.

- Come on.
- That's it.

That's a boy Bill.

Just once more around.

- We win.
- We win.

We win.

We're in.

Fellas it looks like it's in the bag.

We're in the chips.

The winner of the final
qualifying heat is Bill Gregory

in his new Gregory special, car number 17.

You were wonderful, you were wonderful.

- Nice work Bill.
- Thanks fellas.

Any signs of the enemy?

If they was, we wouldn't be here.

I wanna tell you I was afraid that

number 15 was gonna
catch up to you really.

The race is gonna
start in a few minutes.

Fix her up, will you, and
pull her onto the line.

I'll go see if the girls are all right.

Okay Bill.

All right, now, turn the wheel left.

- Left.
- Right.

Which way do you want me to turn it?

To the left.

- To the left.
- That's right.

How can the left be the right?

If I turn it to the left, that's left.

No, that's right.

You want me to turn to the left?

To the left, that's right.

How can I turn it left?

If you want me to go right, the right's

over that way Slicker.

Listen, I don't want
you to turn it right.

I want you to turn it left.

You want me to turn it left.

Right, get it right.

Come on now, will you...

Now which way do you
want me to turn the wheel?

To the left.

- To the left.
- All right.

Now look Slicker, that's
the same trouble I had

with my feet in the army.

Come on.

Come on.

Attention, attention
please, will all drivers

in the Gold Cup please
return to their cars?

Well, that's my cue.

And that's for luck.

Good luck darling.

How about one from you?

Will you kiss Uncle Herbie for me?

Not if I can avoid it.

Fellas, if this is another

wild goose chase, you're through.

Captain take my word for it.

Those two guys are with Gregory.

And where they are the kid is.

There's Gregory.

Will car number 15

and 30, the Appleby entry, line up?

Attention Bill Gregory,
please report to your car.

You're holding up the start.

Hey, that's funny.

He only went over to see Sylvia and Evey.

I can't imagine what's keeping him.

Neither can I.

You wait here.

I'll go and get him.

This is serious.

I'm sorry Sylvia.

All right Captain.

Let's go.

Smith.

Smith, that's one of 'em.

Sarge, be reasonable, will you?

Nevermind.

Ladies and
gentlemen, we're ready

for the start of the main event,

the 100 lap Gold Cup race.

Competing for the grand prize will be

the best drivers in the country.

Wait, wait up.

Hey, not me.

Hey, I'm not Bill Gregory.

Hey, not me.

Out of the way.

There's that car going
out now, number 17.

17.

Hey, Slicker who's driving my car?

I don't know.

I'll ask Herbie.

Herbie.

Herbie can't drive.

He'll be killed.

What's the matter?

Has Gregory gone nuts?

That's not Gregory.

It's Herbie.

How do you stop it?

Hey.

This car don't belong to me.

Clear the infield.

I gotta get.

Get out of the way.

The way.

- Herbie.
- Herbie.

Herbie.

He's trying to make a getaway.

You wait right here.

I'll go and get him.

No you don't.

We'll all go get him.

To your cars everybody.

You too, watch him Flaherty.

He ain't gonna get away
with killing himself.

I want that man alive.

Captain you have no
right to commandeer my car.

I'm William Appleby.

I've got two cars entered in the Gold Cup.

I wanted to see that race.

Well, you're seeing one.

Aren't you?

Give me that loud speaker.

Herbie, stop showing off.

Get back to the track.

Wrong track.

Head 'em off Max.

He's gotta catch him first.

If anything happens to
Uncle Herbie, I'll die.

Herbie.

Don't he realize he can
get a ticket for that.

Herbie.

In there.

Herbie, Herbie, are you all right?

Are you hurt?

How's your head?

You're crazy, you know that.

Don't you?

Uncle Herbie are you all right?

I'm all right honey.

But on account of me, I lost the race.

And I guess I lost you too.

Young man, the only thing
you lost was the prize money.

This is Mr. Appleby.

Pf Appleby Motors, and
he's ordered 20 of our cars

and 200 of our engines.

And that's only a starter.

It's an amazing car.

That's swell.

But what about Evey?

Mr. Brown I've seldom seen the affection

such as you and this
child have for each other.

You mean I can adopt Evey?

Well, not quite.

But with Mr. and Mrs. Gregory
supplying a home life.

Then I can adopt you and Uncle Slicker.

Yeah.

However, there's one stipulation.

Here it comes.

I must insist that you get
yourself a job that'll keep

you completely away from racing cars.

Collins.

Yes sir.

Oh... No.

No!

Aunt Sylvia, Aunt
Sylvia, here they come,

and I can't see Uncle Herbie.