Original subtitles

- Cookies! - Yeah.

Did you make these?

Of course, family recipe.

Uh, I did the icing. Um...

Mm-hmm.

Wow.

Kelsey, the place looks amazing.

So nice.

-No. -So nice.

No, no, no, this place is a dump.

We're gonna have the whole thing redone.

Valerie!

Hello!

Muah.

Doug.

Jimmy.

Kelsey complaining about the stairs?

-Jimmy. I told you no. -Just asking a question.

-That's-- no. We said-- that's-- -Why are you doing this?

Has she told you how many stairs are in this townhouse?

No.

She knows the exact number.

Okay, don't mock me because my quads are--

Are out of shape.

We're, um, playing up the marital banter

for your benefit.

Oh, hello!

- Dawn, you look so great! - Oh, my God!

Rosie, you look amazing.

- Oh! - Your shoulders!

Hello! My best friends!

Oh, I haven't seen y'all in forever!

When was the last time we saw you?

I know, right?

Oh, I'm so glad Kelsey and Jimmy are back.

I miss these parties.

I've been really out of the loop.

- Oh, my God, I know. - I miss this one so much.

Aw!

We just moved in together, but we haven't seen each other

since this morning.

-Breakfast. Oatmeal. -Mm.

Y'all look so gorgeous.

Maybe I should get into running too.

Honestly, if I didn't run every single day,

I would literally murder someone.

Oh, you think she's joking,

but she took three days off for a knee injury,

and she literally stabbed me in the arm.

Really?

I did, I did, I did. But like--

It was just a little poke with a paring knife,

and I was being very annoying that day,

so I totally understand why she did it.

Yeah, I'm really annoying too.

We're all three annoying, and it's fine.

Oh, my God. Is that Javier?

I was told no exes would be here.

Oh, my God.

It said so on the invite, no exes.

Are you okay?

I was jonesing for New York like crazy.

The weather, the-- the esprit de corps,

the way my bodega guy calls me boss.

Oh, yeah.

Nothing ever changes.

I mean, sure, things change but nothing really ever changes.

Yeah, you know, Val got fired over the summer,

you know, which is pretty rough.

Not financially, you know, 'cause we're good financially.

It's just, you know, I still work from home,

and we were just at the apartment together a lot,

and--

Which we love.

No seriously, I didn't know

I needed a little extra Doug time.

Yeah, I think she got a little Dougged out.

-I mean. -No, I didn't.

No?

-No, never. -All right.

- Really. - You two are gross.

Kidding.

Valerie, I'm so sorry about your job.

Oh, it's fine.

I actually already have a new one.

- Oh. - If you can believe.

Congrats. What's the job?

Same thing I did before, just PR.

Actually dreading it a little bit.

Yeah.

She enjoyed being a lady of leisure.

-I really did. -Yeah.

Even if it drove Doug a little bonkers.

No, it's fine at the apartment.

We just, uh, you know, we had a little bit an issue

with our downstairs neighbor.

The whole time we lived there,

we had this downstairs neighbor

in the garden apartment who was a quiet single guy

that we never ever heard.

And we only occasionally saw him smoking in the backyard

in a funny bathrobe.

Oh, look, the guy's out again.

Well, I like to think if we had access

to a full backyard, we would make good use of it.

Maybe? Right?

- Would we? - Yeah.

Would we just invest in a large and elaborate

homegrown marijuana system too?

Probably large and elaborate.

Stop!

- You sound good. - I know.

Howdy ho!

Howdy ho, neighbor!

Hello. Nice. Thank you.

Treats! You're welcome.

Did the guy get a dog?

The guy made a friend.

Who was she? We had no idea.

But at first, they were all over each other.

- It's slipping. - No, it's not slipping.

- Yes, it is! - You're clenching.

It's not in. It's not in. It's--

- Just relax. - I'm relaxed!

- Okay. - I don't--

Relax more.

I don't know why we have to do this today.

I'm not in the mood at all.

Because it was on the calendar.

Okay, fine. Just-- just...

It'll be worth it. I know, I know.

All right, just-- just put it over here.

- It'll be worth it. - Watch the rug, watch the rug.

I'm good, I'm good.

It was only when we removed the AC for the winter

that we first noticed it.

Okay.

Oh, God!

Yeah.

Okay.

I'm proud of us.

Same.

Is that La Bamba?

What is that?

Is it the neighbors?

It's not Lou Diamond Phillips.

What's that?

It's La Bamba.

I don't know. Sounds like a dying bird.

What is it?

Oh, my God.

They got a karaoke machine.

Karaoke?

They were doing karaoke.

With a microphone, and a little speaker and--

And everything.

Karaoke?

In an 130-year-old brownstone?

Who-- who would do something like that?

-Trash people. -Ugh!

Yeah. Complete trash people.

Awful!

I mean, I'm not gonna put, like, sprinkling sugar on the situ--

Sugar coat.

Sugar coat.

I'm not gonna sugarcoat the situation,

but it was very bad.

A nightmare.

We should go say something.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'll-- I'll go talk to them.

Yeah.

I'll be the man and go-- and go talk to them.

Thank you.

All right. Son of a...

Should I...

Okay.

Should tuck these in.

They stopped.

Thank God.

Pbbt!

Do you want me to go and, uh, talk to them,

you know, for future stuff?

Yeah. Thank you.

That seems kind of violent.

Sounds kind of scary.

Yeah.

So that's how it was, either singing or screaming.

Deciphering their fights became one of our main hobbies.

Hello.

I-- I-- I don't wanna be-- - I don't wanna be judgmental.

Mm-mm, mm-mm, hmm.

But I-- I think the guy is abusive.

Thank you for saying that.

Yeah. Like--

I completely agree. He's like--

He's always yelling at her.

-Textbook bully. -Yeah.

He has low self-esteem, so he tries to be tough.

-Yeah. -He's screaming.

I feel so bad for her.

Me too.

I feel like she got kicked out of her place, right?

Oh, yeah.

Like she was living with a bunch of shitty roommates in Bushwick,

and then she got fired.

Wow.

And then...

Yeah, now she has to live with this guy.

It's actually sickening.

I hate him.

I hate him.

Hey. Hey, Can you hear me?

Oh, hey, Good.

I've been okay.

Mostly good since our last session.

I'm still mad at my dad.

I don't know why he thinks he can talk to me like that.

Like, I just don't see why I have to do that

unless someone makes me.

Val? Are you asleep?

Like, why do I have to be nice all the time?

Yes, I'm awake.

The lady downstairs. She...

I think she's talking to her therapist.

I don't think we should be listening in.

It's, you know, privacy.

I think it's-- I don't think it's right.

Yeah, but she woke me up.

...mean person that takes advantage.

Like, for example, I'm still staying at Jordan's,

I'm not paying anything.

I mean, I know it's...

She's talking right next to our window, you know?

Right in our ear waves.

Like, I remember my last job that I just quit.

Well, I-- I got fired from it.

But it was only because I was acting out,

because I wanted to quit, but I couldn't because...

I don't feel super proud of doing this.

-No, me neither. -Yeah.

-Should we stop? -I'm gonna keep napping.

Okay. I'm gonna take a nap too.

-Okay. -Okay.

Um, I just only wanna do what I want to do, okay?

And if that makes me a bad person,

then I'm a bad person.

But not judging myself, I'm being kind to myself.

All right, I'm just speculating here, but--

Mm-hmm.

I think she's intentionally starting fights with him

to make him the bad guy

so that he feels bad and doesn't kick her out.

Rat! Rat! Rat!

Rat!

-Okay, here's my take. -Yeah.

-So, the lady, right? -Uh-huh.

She's living, like in Inwood, with roommates,

somewhere cheap, 'cause she obviously

can't hold down a job.

And then her roommates get mad

'cause she keeps having this overnight guest, right?

This guy from Tinder, who she's known for,

what, like three weeks?

Yeah.

I mean, who would wan-- who would wanna let that guy

into the house, right?

Exactly, so she moves out.

And even though they've been on a few dates,

she just shows up on his doorstep with, like,

her little dog, and her little bag,

and all her whatever.

And her karaoke machine.

And her karaoke machine. Exactly.

- Howdy ho! - Who wants treats?

Nobody?

Nobody wants a little treat?

Dougie, what's wrong?

They won't stop singing.

Oh, I know. They're bad people.

I-- I can't work like this. This is inhumane.

It's inhumane.

I'm the breadwinner of this house.

I have to work.

I'm-- I'm-- I'm going crazy. I'm a wreck.

I know. It's not fair.

It's not. It's not fair.

The world's unfair.

It's not fair.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Okay. My turn?

Yeah.

Okay. I just feel like...

I feel totally lost.

Like I've lost all perspective on what I'm supposed to be doing

at any given minute in the day.

Like, who am I? What day is it?

I don't work. I don't see my friends.

I've lost my identity.

I know who you are. I know you.

Yeah?

Yeah. You're my Val.

Can I hold on to you and you hold on to me?

Yeah.

-That's the only way we do it. -Okay.

It's not right that they keep singing.

How can they be that angry this early?

Hmm.

What was that?

Something broke.

You're like the Tasmanian devil!

Taz? Tasmanian Devil, like the cartoon?

...accident.

This was an accident?

It's the most insincere apology I've ever heard in my life.

No, she definitely did it on purpose.

What broke?

Look at that glass

It must have been his bong.

Oh, fuck!

That's like his most prized possession.

From what we've gathered.

He loved that bong.

Maybe it wasn't on purpose.

Maybe it was accident.

No, it was definitely intentional.

She got mad, stormed out there, and smashed the thing.

It's textbook, really.

So textbook.

What the fuck are you doing?

Fuck! I didn't mean to do that!

- Oh, it's escalating. - We should call the police.

No, I heard if you call the police

for domestic violence situations,

it makes things worse.

- I read that too. - It can get more dangerous.

More dangerous.

And I heard calling the police, domestic abuse situations,

sometimes the police will side with the abuser.

-Yeah. No, no, no. -That's what I've heard.

We don't wanna live in a police state,

with a militarization of force.

No, that was the whole point of the marches.

While they increased their budgets,

they cut funding somewhere else.

You know, like teachers. I just-- no, we're not doing it.

I just can't imagine ever being so mad at you

that I would break something that you loved.

Because you're a good person. Come here.

Takes one to know one.

I can't live like this.

No, we gotta get out of here.

Maybe we should have called the police that day.

Did we do the wrong thing or was everything fine?

We never found out.

-So we moved out. -Mm-hmm.

And into, uh, Doug's parents' place in Rye.

Yeah, they're in Boca, so we have a lot of space,

so it's nice.

I could swing my arms.

What? You gave up your apartment?

-Yeah. -What?

You gave up your rent-stabilized apartment?

I know.

That's insane.

You don't give up a rent-stabilized apartment.

Yeah, but it was-- it was way too much craziness.

Like, we-- we could not live there anymore.

Yeah, we like the space.

-You know, the-- the quiet. -Hmm.

You know, it's cleaner.

You made a huge mistake.

I mean, you're never gonna find something like that ever again.

Kelsey, I'm sure it'll be fine.

It's gonna be fine.

Yeah.

All right, who wants cake?

Do you guys want cake? Should we do cake now?

Let's get some cake going. Cake.

Can I get a corner slice?

Wait, which one of them was really the bad guy?

Yeah.

Oh, we never figured that out.

That's a big mystery.

Like, who's the dad at the end of Mamma Mia.

They tell you in the sequel.

Wait, really? I only saw the play.

Val, are you serious? Where have you been?

The movies are phenomenal.

Well, did you give it a Googs? What were their names?

No, we're not gonna Google anybody.

Val just got a new job.

We got our lives back together.

Yeah, we're-- we're leaving that part of our lives behind.

I-- I snooped. I look through their mail once.

The lady is Mary Dancyger.

Found her.

Oh, my God! That's her. That's her.

You did give it a Googs.

- No! - She has a website.

No, she doesn't.

She's a recent Wesleyan grad.

And she's an actress.

What?

I'm dead.

Her Instagram's public.

She looks pretty spoiled and bored.

With nothing better to do than make our lives

a living hell.

Let me see. Let me see, let me see.

Oh, my God.

This is not a face I wanted to see again.

I have too many balloons.

So everyone just take a balloon.

Oh.

I'm still pissed. I really am.

Oh, God.

He is white hot with rage still, literally.

You don't get it.

Like, for-- for months,

like, she would wake us up every morning.

I-- I got no alarm clocks, just her screeching constantly.

Hmm.

It makes so much sense she's an actress

'cause she was, like, totally desperate for attention.

She's horny for eyeballs.

I can't even picture her face without thinking of, like,

a sad spongy potato girl who's just yelling

to be looked at.

Is it crazy that I sort of like her face?

Not me.

Every time I think of her face, I go red--

Behind the eyes.

You've achieved full mind meld.

Uh-oh, Dougie, we're gross.

- We're nasty.

Maybe I should double up on my meditation.

Mm-hmm.

-Yeah? -Mm.

Or I could just call her. And just yell at her.

What do you think?

Or you could, like, ask her to audition for something.

Beep boop.

Not a bad idea.

Like, you could pretend that you're doing a production of,

like, Wizard of Oz, and, like, ask her

to be the witch.

Oh, we're thinking pitch perfect.

Remember?

Have you seen it? Have you seen it?

We watched it, it's so good.

So good. Like, do-- do the impression.

Okay, okay.

Is it, like, uh, what are you singing for us today, ma'am?

Uh, karaoke non-stop.

Can you-- can you sing the song uh, "I'm the devil, I am Taz"?

You should do it. You should do it.

- No, seriously. I, um-- - I can't, I can't.

Actually, um, I know, like, a really cheap

to book rehearsal space if you're interested.

Oh, right.

Oh, that's right, Wendy, didn't you do that play

in college?

No, babe, she's, uh, Wendy's a police sketch artist, right?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, uh, but I'm also an actress,

and I do, like, theater stuff whenever I can,

but in college I didn't really have the courage.

I was told no exes would be here.

- I'm so sorry, babe. They-- they are liars.

Who brought the exes?

She's pretty cute though, Valerie.

- Stop it. - How'd you find her?

What? Her Instagram is public. This is entirely fair game.

She went to Marquee.

Oh, my God, wow!

What's Marquee?

It's like a nightclub.

In 2018.

Oh, babe, you don't know anything.

It's so cute.

Oh, hey, look, she put her email on here.

I'm sorry, are you composing a new message?

No.

I mean, she put her email on here.

-She must want to be emailed. -No.

Yo, we were joking.

We don't actually wanna talk to her.

No, I do.

Yes, I would like to yell at her.

Dear, Mary.

Wait, wait, is this happening?

She's gonna recognize us.

- Come on. - No, she's not!

No she's not gonna remember us.

We've seen her one time.

This is rude!

Would you like to audition...

No!

...for a play going up this fall?

Uh, are you available? Uh...

When's a good day?

When's a good day?

Saturday.

Doug, we're not actually doing this!

No, no, no.

We have to get our life together.

We're supposed to be adults.

We're supposed to find a new apartment and like....

Val, do you not wanna do this?

I-- I do kind of, a little.

When's good?

Saturday.

Next Saturday.

Saturday is great!

-Are you available next... -Let me see, let me see.

...Saturday?

I can't!

All the livelong day, honey.

Wow! Valerie, hi!

Oh, hey, Brendan. Wow, you look stylish today.

That's so sweet of you to say.

Zandy, Angela and I are just coming over

to check in on your progress.

Yeah, it's great.

I'm a little bit, like, "What is a computer?

How does mouse work?"

I know, it's crazy.

It's like it's the 20th century or something over here.

What next?

They want us to send a fax in a fax machine.

Ew!

But actually, a lot of our clients love

when we fax them.

It's unnatural, but we do it.

Cool.

Cool?

And also, just a little tip.

You're probably checking Jeff out.

I just want you to know, don't bother.

Been there, done that.

Me too.

Same.

I'm in a committed relationship, so...

Oh.

Oh.

You brag.

Okay, ladies.

Oh.

Clean this up. It's a little...

You bet.

Oh!

Um.

I'm getting worried that we're, like, building this up too much.

What mean you?

-We do this. Oh, hi. -Yep

I just feel like it's sort of like

the NATO alphabet situation.

You know, like, we spend so much time memorizing it

because you think it's gonna be a life changer.

Yeah, and then when you tried to teach it to Aiden,

he was like B for Bravo bored in about 30 seconds.

Well, I thought it was gonna blow his mind, you know?

It makes it so much easier to spell names over the phone.

And scene!

Hi.

That's what directors say when you finish a scene.

But of course, we're just getting started.

So, we'll sit over there, and I have the camera,

and then the actors will come in and audition.

But no one else is coming, right?

Just Mary.

Right.

But she doesn't know that.

Okay, and then what should we do?

Should we, like, introduce ourselves?

Like, fake names, obviously.

Do we need to talk about the play a little bit?

I mean, I'm not confident

I'm gonna remember my fake biography.

Look, you just play it cool.

It's all standard.

Okay, who can help me with this little guy?

Yep.

He's got it.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Supporting from over here.

That looks really good.

Sounds like someone's here.

No, no, no.

Shouldn't-- shouldn't we practice or something?

Don't we need to, like...

Do we-- Doug, chairs!

Uh-uh.

Don't we need to, like...

Hello?

Mary, we're ready for you.

Hi, welcome.

Should I sit?

Sure.

Yeah.

You-- you don't have to.

Only if you want.

Yeah.

I mean, we're sitting, but, you know, it's not...

It's not a rule.

So if you could just slate your name into the camera

and start whenever you're ready.

Please try to see my side of things,

and see it with sympathy and true understanding.

Frankly, I have to confess that I...

Oh, I forgot to slate.

That's all right.

Just say it into the camera and start whenever you're ready.

Mary Dancyger.

Please try to see my side of things,

and listen with sympathy and true understanding.

Frankly, I have to confess that I suddenly feel so cold

and alone on this earth.

I feel so horribly despondent, like an outcast

who suddenly realized that the whole world is alien,

and all the romance and excitement that I felt in it

were all just aimless, just chasing in circles

to avoid touching reality.

And, oh, Kurt, I never meant to hurt you.

I meant me.

And I never meant to do that at all.

And I can't forgive myself.

And I try to laugh it off, but I can't.

And now I feel like I'm the only creature

who's living without truly living.

Oh, great.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Do you wanna hear it again?

Is there any adjustments you'd like to give her?

I think once was really powerful

Yes.

Okay, um, thank you for your time.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

I was freaking out.

I was freaking out too!

Inside I was like...

Doug, you're hilarious.

It was-- it was so weird, like, seeing her face up close.

D-- do you think any of that stuff was true?

That's what I was trying to figure out.

I was like, "Okay, so is this the guy?

Is this the boyfriend? Like, is his name Kurt?"

I don't know.

Oh, my God.

There was just something about the way she spoke.

It just-- it sounded like lies.

Like it wasn't real, you know? I just--

- And you know what? - I didn't believe her.

I think she's not very good at acting.

- Yeah. - And that's why she's so mean.

That speech was just so crazy.

Yeah, it's, like, a famous audition piece.

It's like you do it in Acting 101.

Sushi, please!

Body sushi!

Try to laugh it off, but I can't.

And now I feel like I'm the only creature

who's living without truly living.

I can't.

Okay, so that's...

That's it.

Mystery not solved.

Well, I mean...

You guys went into all this trouble,

roped in Wendy.

Oh, I don't mind.

Made up fake identities,

and you didn't even get to find out what her deal was?

This is like the worst ending to a whodunit ever.

It's like, "Did she kill her? I don't know!

But we got her to read a poem."

It's hila-- it's so-- it was-- if you had been there

in person, like, you would have lost it.

Okay, for the record, I was not dragged.

I like hanging out with y'all.

- We like hanging out with you. - Yeah, bud.

Also, it's not like we can just ask her.

She would know we were stalking her.

This girl forced you out of your apartment.

She made you leave the city.

She ruined your life.

But you know, who cares?

It's a good ending. The butler did whatever.

Did you wanna split fries?

Uh, yeah.

It's a club day for me, so...

Ugh! More delays.

I hate to say it, but if we still lived

on the Upper West Side, we'd be home by now.

We'd be home, in our pajamas, eating Thai food.

Oh, this has to be someone's fault.

Whose fault is this?

Here's what we'll do.

Mm-hmm.

We'll call her in again.

And then we'll just sit her down.

Mm, wow.

And then we just tell her exactly what we think of her

to her face.

How do you get to be pure trash, ma'am?

Yeah.

Did you-- did you think that this was another audition?

No! This is an inquisition!

Explain yourself.

What's wrong with you?

Singing karaoke in an apartment building

where the walls are so thin.

Seconds?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Mm.

Uh...

Yeah, gross.

This is never gonna work.

We just have to be a little bit more subtle,

you know?

It's like trying to get a kid to confess

to breaking your lamp.

I'm listening.

So, I don't know, we'll start small.

Mm-hmm.

We won't, uh, we won't mention anything about karaoke at all.

Okay.

And then we'll just throw in some key phrases

that we've heard them say, you know, like,

uh, "I just wanna know what we're having for lunch."

Or something like that. See what they say.

That's a bad one.

We just need to come up with a situation

where someone just deliberately smashes

a cherished glass bong in a backyard.

-Yes. -Mm.

Exactly.

And we just watch her brain explode.

Metaphorically.

Yeah, obviously metaphorically.

Woo! Okay, let's do this.

We're doing it.

-Come on. Are you ready? -Yes.

Yes? Are you ready? Yeah?

Okay, I'm doing it.

I'm doing it.

The mailbox is full and cannot accept

any messages at this time.

Straight to voicemail.

-It's for the best. -Yeah.

Come on. It's for the best.

Yeah, we need to forgive and forget.

Yeah, forgive and forget, we're adults.

We gotta think about the future.

Yeah.

Oh, I saw a great listing actually.

Hello!

I got a missed call from this number?

Hi, Mary.

This is Valerie from the untitled play audition.

How are you?

Okay.

Good, good. That's so good.

Um, Doug and I were talking, and we really just wanted

to chat with you a little bit more.

Did I get the part?

It's-- Yes! You got the part.

Okay. What's it for again?

It's a play. It's untitled.

It's an original piece.

Mary, are you there?

Yeah.

Cool.

So...

...Doug and I'll email you about finding a time to meet.

Okay.

Okay. I'm hanging up now.

Okay.

Bye.

She knows. She knows. She knows.

Uh, I just think she's-- I think she's a young person

and she doesn't-- she doesn't know how

to talk on the phone.

We're young.

Yeah, but...

Look, we're two smart people.

Yeah.

It's not rocket science. It's just drama.

It's daytime drama.

-Yeah. -Okay?

We're not trying to reinvent the wheel here.

We're just trying to, you know,

pretend to be wheelmakers long enough to trick someone

who we suspect isn't even wheel smart in the first place.

-Yeah. -So...

I couldn't have said it better myself.

-Thank you. -Yeah. Ready?

-Let's do this. -Let's do it.

Okay.

We have to do this, you know?

Mm-hmm.

We have to do it for, you know,

all decent, good neighbors across the world.

-Mm-hmm. -As an example.

It's important.

Yeah.

-I can't. -You can.

-I can't. -Okay.

-I'm sorry. -Yeah.

-I can't do it. -Okay.

I'm sorry.

Oh, I hate running.

It's not-- not meant to go anywhere.

Sorry. I'm so...

The first step in directing actors

for the stage and screen is directing yourself.

You must step into the role of the authority,

the visionary,

the boss.

When you are in front of your talent,

they must believe you always know

what's going to happen next.

I like to begin with my tone of voice,

much like training a dog.

When speaking to actors,

I like to use a firm but calm tone.

Douglas, you are making an espresso?

Yes, indeedidly doo, that's what I'm doing.

You will make me an Americano as well.

Yeah, I will.

Excellent.

And you'll bring it to me too.

Okay.

Of course.

Where will you bring it?

Well, wherever-- wherever you want me to bring it.

Well,

I think I'm gonna like it here.

Okay. Awesome.

It is so wonderful to have you all here

and to get started on rehearsals

for our new play.

Where is everyone else? Am I the only actor?

No!

Uh, w-- Wendy is an actor too. She's in it.

Yeah.

Hi.

Uh, I met you at the audition, and I'm also producing.

Okay. Are we getting scripts?

We are going to start with some warm ups

and get a feel for the characters, I think.

When is the show going on and how long

are we gonna rehearse?

Do we get paid for rehearsal?

-Oh! -Um...

A lot of questions.

Little Miss Questions.

So...

So they are...

We're gonna open October 3rd.

It's gonna be a weekend run,

and then we're gonna ask for a possible extension.

Uh, the rehearsal is two weeks, it is paid,

and that will be half of an equity minimum.

Because this is nonunion,

we will be paying you off the books if that's okay.

Okay.

Okay.

We are going to get started with some warm ups.

Um, Wendy is going to rise up, assist me.

We are going to pass the energy around the room

along with a word association.

So I'll start. Um, banana.

Smoothie.

Great. So now everyone, stand up.

Rise up, make some room.

Okay. Come on. Let's go.

And we're warming up.

Hmm.

Apartment.

Building.

Community.

Center.

Heart.

Feeling.

Misery.

Kathy Bates.

No.

Okay, I think, just really, really look within yourself

and really try and pick up on the energy

of the person before you.

Okay?

I'll restart. Relationship.

Oh.

Heartbreak.

Turmoil.

I don't know what that means.

It means unrest, like emotional difficulty.

Oh, uh, confused.

Um...

Do you mean you're confused or that's your next association?

No, I don't.

Doug.

Let's-- let's-- let's--

We're gonna have to try something else.

Let's just-- let's just do like, uh, let's do, um,

character improv.

Okay, Mary, you're first.

What's my character?

Yeah, who are you?

-Hmm. -Doug?

Your character...

Mm-hmm.

...is Cecilia.

She's mysterious.

She's also a victim.

Okay.

No. She's, uh...

...the perpetrator, maybe.

Um, or she's an innocent swept up in a bad situation,

or she's a nasty liar.

The devil incarnate.

We'll have to wait and find out.

And it has to be real, right?

I want it to come from a real place.

So why is she so awful?

Mm-hmm.

You have to tell us.

Mm-hmm.

Right now?

Why don't you take 10 minutes to work on it,

then you can come back and tell us.

Okay.

Come back in 10 minutes.

What's my character?

What?

That's a great... Yeah, it's a great question.

Doug, do you wanna?

Well, Wendy, you're the, uh, you're the neighbor.

Hmm.

You're the next door neighbor.

Excited to serve.

Okay, so, the rule is to keep going.

So we don't say "no". We say "yes, and".

Mm-hmm.

And action.

Ding-dong.

Who is it?

Hi, it's your neighbor.

Oh, hi, Melinda.

Hi.

Okay, so basically, I've been hearing a lot of singing

and I need you to keep it down.

Singing? I wasn't singing.

Oh, "yes, and". Remember, Mary?

The singing was on my TV.

Okay, whatever it was, I need you to stop.

It's driving me crazy!

How could you be that inconsiderate?

What do you mean, driving you crazy?

I'm not singing. You're the crazy one.

Mary? Mary, hi.

Why are you derailing the improv?

You need to support the shared reality.

I thought Cecilia was a liar.

Okay.

Okay, if I may interrupt, please.

Um, let's try a different scenario.

Okay?

So, Wendy, your character Melinda

is coming to confide in Cecilia, okay?

Because you've been fighting with your boyfriend, okay?

And Cecilia, since she has some real world experience

with this, shares her story with Melinda.

Wendy. Melinda.

Yeah, okay.

And action.

Hi, Cecilia.

I really need to talk to you about something.

What's up, Melinda?

It's my boyfriend.

Is he cheating on you?

I don't know.

Uh, we always get into these fights

and I don't know want to do.

Well, it sounds like he's cheating on you.

Really?

Like, how would I be able to tell?

Does he act like he doesn't like you anymore?

Pause! One sec.

Sorry, I'm just gonna...

Okay, basically, he's threatening my dog.

Threatening to what?

Like, to hurt my dog!

Anthony said that? But he's so nice.

I know.

He is so nice,

but he's not nice to my dog!

I didn't even know you had a dog.

Okay, Mary, can we just--

Sorry, can we just hold for a second?

What do you think Cecilia would really feel

if she heard what Melinda's boyfriend

was gonna do to the dog?

Uh, probably confused.

Yeah, go on.

Because she is her neighbor,

but she didn't know that she had a dog.

Okay.

What if she did, though? What if she did?

What if Cecilia was Melinda's dog walker?

Hmm.

That way she already knew and cared about the dog.

Now, how do you feel about her boyfriend?

I guess I would be angry.

Yes, let's go from there. Cecilia, you start.

I'm angry.

Why? About what?

About the thing you just told me.

How would you like me to respond to that?

I think you need to pray.

Really?

Yes, you need to pray to God for guidance and forgiveness.

You must have sinned if someone is trying

to harm your dog.

Wait, do you really feel that way?

Me or Cecilia?

Ei-- either.

I just thought my character might be religious.

-Interesting choice. -Interesting.

Can you just walk us through how you might have arrived

at that conclusion?

I just thought she might be.

Hmm.

Hey, Val and Doug, I'm so sorry to interrupt.

I love where we're going,

but, uh, we're running out of time on the room.

Uh, I feel like we're getting somewhere.

Getting so close to the actual truth.

Like, artistically, the truth.

Yeah.

Okay, okay.

I'll text the manager. I'll text the manager.

Let's-- let's-- let's keep-- let's keep going.

Let's keep going. Okay, um...

With just me?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll do monologue style.

Okay, Doug, come.

So what would Cecilia say if she had, like,

a really mean boyfriend who wanted to fight

all the time and hurt her dog?

Yeah.

I can't come up with anything on the spot.

Okay, look, no judgment.

None.

-The words don't matter. -Yeah.

We just want you to tap into the real emotions

of the situation.

Just tell us what's really going on.

Yes.

I'm not sure.

I-- I could give you a prompt.

Like, um, like, tell me about your boyfriend.

Why are you always fighting?

The thing you have to know about my boyfriend and I

is that we're actually not really even--

Excuse me? It's our time now.

We-- we just need one minute.

That's our minute that we paid for.

So, if you can wrap it up.

I am so sorry.

Ya'll, we have to get out of here.

It is really bad etiquette to go over time.

Thanks. Thanks for understanding.

Okay.

Okay, clowns, let's go.

Let's get funny in here.

Okay, bye.

-Wait! -Wait, wait!

Can we just do a little talk for a second?

Yeah, a little chitchat.

You were saying something in there that was kind of...

-Cool. -Cool.

Yeah, we wanna hear about that.

About your boyfriend. And what was that?

It was on the tippy of your tongue.

Yeah.

I can't remember.

Can't remember.

I'll finish it next rehearsal.

Next rehearsal.

Right.

When are we getting the scripts?

Scripts are...

Uh...

Yeah, we'll be getting that really soon to you.

-Yeah. -Sweet.

- All right. - All right, bye.

Awesome.

-Bye, baby girl. -Yeah.

Baby girl?

Well...

Okay, Val. There you are.

Hmm. Hello!

Just having my healthy snack.

Uh-huh.

Okay, it's all hands on deck.

The J&J clients are coming in an hour.

And they're going to wanna see the completed deck.

Just fueling up real quick.

All right, we'll just sit here and wait for you

to finish your breakfast.

Let's do it!

It's go time, baby. Woo!

Hey, what does Valerie rhyme with?

Salary.

And I pay yours. Let's go! Come on! Let's go!

Let's go! Yes, baby! Mm.

Let's go!

So, have you made any progress?

Yeah, I did a little bit of writing,

and, uh, then I got distracted by something on the internet.

Ugh, yeah, I thought I'd have more time,

but work's been, like, slinging pizzas at me all day.

It's funny, like, I haven't had to write

anything since college, you know?

Except for emails and stuff.

Yeah, I'm always writing for work

but I'm never writing for myself.

You-- you wrote that one short story.

I did write that short story.

That was in college.

That was like 10 years ago.

Yeah, but it was so good.

Oh, my God.

They changed the sprouts.

The Brussels sprouts?

- Totally different sauce. - It's weird.

They used to be so delicious.

Why can't places just know when something is good

and not change it?

Because nobody knows anything and they can't be told.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, shit, the script.

Oh, my God, are we really doing that?

It's-- it's kind of nuts.

It's a little over the insanity line, right?

We can't just write a play to try and get revenge.

I mean, it sounded like a good idea a few weeks ago.

I just, uh...

No, no, no. We have to bail.

We have to bail. We have to bail.

Okay, so it's not asbestos.

I did, uh, reverse image search.

I mean, I don't know what it is,

but I'm fairly certain it's not asbestos.

I don't know what that is.

And-- and-- and this is $4,000?

- Yes. - A month?

Yeah. Great deal.

Okay, I thought the market was down this year?

Oh, God, I wish. No, I don't, actually.

It's up. It's way up.

That works in my favor.

Cool, okay.

Let me show you the original, um, the original mold.

Glass, glass, glass, glass, glass, glass.

Oh, God.

What, did someone smash a bong here too?

Shame, like, just-- somebody just

leaves their mess like this.

There should be consequences, you know?

Shouldn't leave your crumb.

We have to put on the play.

We cannot let her get away with this behavior.

You're right.

You're right.

So, do you want the apartment?

No!

-Wooh! -All right. Doc open.

Okay, what do we have so far?

-All right, The Bad Neighbor. -Mm-hmm.

By Valerie and Doug.

Oh.

All right. Scene one.

Spotlight on Cecilia. She's the worst.

Yeah.

Hi. I'm Cecilia.

Okay, okay, okay.

I feel like, it's like they're both center stage,

and he's like, "Why do you hate my bong?"

And she's like, "I don't hate your bong."

Whoa, whoa, wait, wait. Slow down, slow down.

Why?

I can't type that fast.

You know, I was thinking about all the plays that I've seen

and the only one that I can remember is Mamma Mia.

You like Mamma Mia, right?

Oh, they never label anything. What color is tikka masala?

Like, what if we just made it a disco musical?

That way we could set the fights to song?

That's a naan starter.

You can't keep shooting down my ideas, Val.

No. That's a naan starter.

It's the appetizer you ordered.

Oh.

Just make the font big.

You're faking it!

I love that we didn't overthink the title.

No, no, I don't care.

Like, remember in Save the Last Dance,

when she's like...

Closer to my face.

This is gonna be great.

No, green is for emotional development.

The snores are not real!

Make the font bigger.

...is learning to be loved.

You don't deserve me to act better.

-Yeah. -I'm a thoughtless--

-Selfish. -Selfish?

Yeah.

Selfish.

I'm a selfish user and I'm going to suck up

all your energy until I grow tired.

Le tired.

Le tired.

Yeah.

The end.

Oh, ho, ho, ho!

Um...

Hey, sorry I'm late.

Oh, hello, mate.

Hello, mate.

Where's Val?

Oh, uh, she's not here?

Let's give her a little text.

By the way, uh, Wendy, thank you so much

for doing all this.

You know, it's, uh,

we couldn't have done this without you.

Oh, my gosh. It's my pleasure.

I love being useful.

Can I ask you a question?

Yeah, go for it. Shoot.

Uh...

Am I, uh...

Did I do a bad job the other day?

Uh, what do you mean?

Well, Mary and I were doing this scene,

and we had a lot of chemistry,

and the scene about karaoke,

and then Valerie kept interrupting us.

And then she asked me to find another cast mate.

Oh.

Am I bad at acting?

No, not at all.

Okay, so you're not trying to cut me out of the show?

No.

Wendy, me and Valerie were just talking last night,

and we were saying how great you are.

We said she's so good, you know?

Huh.

Wonder where she's at.

Okay, phew.

Okay, okay.

'Cause I just thought, like, you were trying to, like,

make me find my own replacement,

and then, like, fire me from the show.

I was just paranoid.

No.

No, no, no, not at all.

- Hmm. - Okay?

Okay. Woo.

Woo.

Calming down.

Calming down.

- Woo! Calming down. - All right, all right.

I just love acting so much.

And I usually do all this, like, behind the scenes work,

and I just don't wanna be made a fool of, you know?

Wendy, that's not gonna happen.

And also, it's a fake play.

Right.

It's a gag.

We're just having fun.

That's right.

But...

...do you really think I have talent for real?

Yes.

So I just, like, want you to be completely honest with me.

Seriously. I really--

J Train is the devil!

-Val! -God! Hi.

Great timing. Hey!

I hate the train.

Mm, I missed you so much.

Where is everyone?

Wendy, did you hire another actor?

Yeah.

Cool. What's his name?

Joe.

Okay, I'm here. Oh, I need water.

Good, I'm not leaving.

I won't go. I'll stay forever.

I'll stay until the building burns down.

I hope you die.

Back at you.

Beat. I love you, Mickey.

I used to love you. I did.

He exits.

She stares out into the void.

Oh, no, the void! It's coming for me.

The lights come down. The end.

Wow, so that's our play. I thought it sounded great.

Yeah, you said it. I...

I'm blown away.

Yeah. I, um--

I just wanted to ask a question.

Oh, yeah.

Is my character telling the truth?

Which part are you referring to?

Page 26.

She says, "I don't care about him at all.

I only care about myself.

And I actually think it's funny that he suffers."

Right.

I can speak to that.

Uh, and-- and to answer your question, yes.

So she's a bad person?

- Well, that's the intention. - You know, that...

Yeah.

Why?

Probably because she's an entitled asshole.

Yeah, maybe her parents were withholding, cold.

Now she does whatever she has to do to get attention,

even if it's bad attention.

Okay.

Did anyone else have any thoughts?

-Joe? -No.

I do.

I just wanna say up top that I absolutely love

the character of Cecilia's little doggy friend.

I think those scenes are fantastic.

The dog is the best character.

Uh, cool, everyone take five and stretch it out.

Oh, God, it felt so good to hear her admit

to wrongdoing.

I mean, just the-- just the satisfaction

was just...

Oh, I feel totally sated

about the whole neighbor situation, honestly.

I mean, she really embarrassed herself

at our behest.

She did.

I mean, we really showed-- Oh, look. Seagull!

Oh!

Have you thought about a venue?

What do you mean?

'Cause I really think the play could benefit from a large room.

Wendy, we're not putting on the play.

Oh.

Yeah, it was a gag.

Oh, right.

I mean, that's such a shame, 'cause it is so, so good.

Really?

I mean, it would be fun just for, like,

our friends to see it.

Like Kelsey was the one giving us shit

for not taking it far enough, right?

I mean, it did kinda sound good, right?

Like, I-- I haven't seen that many plays.

It was inspired.

So what, like, put it up, like on a stage?

I mean, we've been saving so much money

by not paying rent.

What's-- what's wrong with a little more

discretionary spending, I guess.

Do we dare? Buy in a little further?

I mean, we've come this far. Do we really do this?

We've already run down the boardwalk,

do we jump off the pier?

Do we just cannonball into the lake?

I just wanna know what we're having for lunch.

I'm one person trying to live my life.

Mary, actually, can we have you start center stage?

And then Joe-- hey, hey, Joe.

You can just be, uh, offstage right.

Right, okay.

Uh, from the top?

Uh, just go from where you were.

Yeah. And action.

I'm one person trying to live life.

I wake up in the morning, do my HIIT aerobics,

walk my dog, wash and blow dry my hair.

We hear a crash.

Cecilia!

I should start by brushing my teeth.

Cecilia!

Or should I say Taz?

Or maybe I'll wash my face first.

Cecilia, you're the devil.

The scum under my fingernails.

Hey, where's Sparky? Have you seen him?

You're ruining this apartment.

Are you sent here to torture me?

Yeah, cross here. Really get in her space.

Don't be shy.

Oh, but you're allergic!

Right.

But she's a magnet that you're allergic to.

Okay, let's keep it going. Keep it moving.

What did I do?

Your little shit dog pooped in my limited edition Vans.

Oh, no, Sparky! Where is he?

I threw him in the garbage disposal.

Sparky?

I put a pillow over it so you wouldn't hear.

You monster!

I-- I hate to jump in 'cause I'm feeling

really good about this, but--

But, Mary, I think this is, this is the part

where you can just have a total meltdown.

This line, Mary, something turns.

She fully lets it go. Fully, fully lets loose.

It's just done at this point.

Do you know what I'm saying?

Like just hysterical crying?

Yeah, hysterical, broken woman, just...

A woman on the verge.

Woman over the verge. Okay?

She's fallen off the cliff. She's in the chasm.

Her life's over.

She looks up. No one's there.

Woman over the verge. Okay.

Do you wanna take it from the poop?

And action.

Your little shit dog pooped in my limited edition Vans.

Oh, no, Sparky! Where is he?

I threw him in the garbage disposal.

Sparky?

I put a pillow over it so you wouldn't hear

when I turned on the blades.

You monster! How could you?

How could you torture a poor, defenseless Pomeranian mix!

You're a brute.

You bring down this house.

You might as well get an axe and chop me up

while you're at it.

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!

Don't worry, Mama.

I'm okay.

Sparky!

Mama!

God, I was only joking about the garbage disposal.

Can't believe you thought I'd actually shred

a living being.

Sparky, you're okay.

I can't believe you think I'm a...

...big piece of shit.

I liked it a lot.

Yeah, that one.

Oh, look who it is. Our little starlet.

What's going on, Mary?

It's really cold. And I forgot a jacket.

You want a ride?

We can just swing by the Upper West Side

on our way home.

Yeah.

How do you know I live on the Upper West Side?

It was a joke. I'm doing a joke.

She thinks everybody lives in the Upper West Side.

I'm always doing this bit where I'm like,

"Every New Yorker lives on the Upper West Side.

Every-- everyone's up there."

- Except the-- - Except the homeless people.

Unhoused.

I'm not sure I get it.

It's not funny.

It's an inside joke.

I'm gonna run.

Really almost blew it.

That was really close. I'm sorry.

I'm not-- I'm dehydrated.

Get some water.

I mean, it was incredible.

Hearing her say the words we wrote,

my thoughts coming out of her lips.

Mm, muah.

I just love bossing her around.

I know.

She has to do exactly what we say, you know?

- I know. - It's like, "Do this!"

And she's like, "Okay, thank you".

Thank you, bye-bye!

I know, so good.

Finally, someone treating us with respect.

I'm kind of having a thought.

Okay.

I don't wanna say it out loud 'cause I don't wanna jinx it.

So I'm gonna just beam it to you.

- You're ready? - Yeah.

Okay.

You wanna go to Zabar's on the way home.

Yes! Yes!

But no. but yes, but no.

But that's not what I was sending, but yes.

Okay, ready? Again.

Yeah.

Did you get it?

Okay, you think that the, uh, the world is right again,

and that, uh, things are gonna start working out,

and that, uh,

we're gonna be happy and successful.

Yes!

I got it right?

Yes!

All right.

I was transmitting I think our play is good.

I think it's good too.

I guess, I just feel like--

Okay, I guess I feel like it's gonna be good.

Mm-hmm.

What if we made it, like, really, really good?

Like, something people actually wanted to see?

-Mm-hmm. -Do you know what I'm saying?

I just feel like for the first time

in a long time, I wanna, like, do my best.

Seriously, like, normally I do what?

Like 30, 40%, which is enough to get by.

-It's enough to kind of-- -Enough to get paid.

Enough to get paid.

But now that I'm doing what I'm actually supposed

to be doing,

it's like, "Yeah! Like, let's do it."

Like, what if I just-- what if I just tried?

What if I literally tried for once?

For once in my life, like I actually did it?

It feels good, right?

I love seeing you like this.

Do I s-- do I sound insane?

I-- I love it, though.

I love it.

I love it too. I don't know. Woo!

-Mm. -Mm.

Do you want another espresso?

-Fuck yes. Do you? -I do.

-I love this bean blend. -Oh.

This sweet baby bean blend.

We should get a bag.

-We should. -What's it called?

Uh...

The French Italian.

The French Italian.

Sounds very sophisticated.

It sounds important.

It's a two bedroom, southern exposure.

It's actually really quiet,

even though it's quite close to the subway.

Ooh, wow.

Oh, my God.

And she said she would prefer to rent

to a friend of a friend

because, you know, the building is kind of strict.

It's a condo?

Co-op, yeah.

So they have kind of a high income requirement.

But, Val, you're back at work, right?

So this should be no problemo.

We look good on paper, right?

Yeah. Double income, no kids.

Two DINKS.

Two gorgeous DINKS.

It's DINK o'clock over here.

Yeah, um, so that's what I told them.

So I'm gonna send over the application.

And as long as you're both, you know,

fully full-time, fully employed,

you know, working adults, uh,

just fill in the little squiggles

and-- and the apartment should be yours.

Slay.

Okay, I gotta run.

- Thank you, queen. Bye-bye. - Bye.

Okay. Amazing.

So we do the play notes,

then we do the apartment squiggles,

then we move back to the city,

restart our life, friendship, love, self-care, et cetera.

We can have it all.

We can have it all.

Sherry, you are so funny.

Yes, well, it's a psychological drama

with some comedic elements.

Oh, awesome. Okay. Yes.

I will put you down for two tix.

Totally. Uh-huh.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I can absolutely make that four.

Let me just...

Oh, God, we would so love to have a radio presence there.

Yes.

Valerie.

Hi. Yes, thank you.

Is this a personal call?

No, of course not.

Okay. Uh, what client is this?

The French Italian.

That's a codename that I use not for a specific client,

but more for a creative process I'm doing.

That sounds really amazing and cool, actually.

So you could do a presentation on it next week?

Yes, I love that idea.

I think next week might be tricky.

It's a bit of a unbaked idea, right?

And it's a little bit doughy.

I would prefer to do it maybe in a couple weeks or months

and really give you what you deserve,

which is a freshly-baked loaf of bread of an idea.

Okay.

Well, I always look forward to you impressing me.

I hope so. Thank you.

Oh, gosh.

Valerie, Valerie, Valerie.

What?

I know that we all have our personal lives,

and our professional lives.

I, for one, never let my award-winning,

Edinburgh-certified cabaret act interfere

with my work ethic here.

You get what I'm saying?

A 1,000%.

After work, I might be--

Um, Brendan?

You sound amazing.

Shh!

Sorry.

But when I'm here, there's none of that.

I'm focusing on putting out high-quality work product,

and I need you to be doing the same things.

You give it to me, I'm happy.

You don't give it to me, I'm sad.

You're distracted, I'm confused.

Why are you here?

I love that.

Thank you for the encouragement.

I needed that today.

High-quality work product.

Okay, bye.

That was good.

That was good, right?

It's very good.

So five whole K, huh?

How fast do you think you'll-- you'll do it in?

I don't think I'mma do race pace.

This is just for fun.

Yeah, let's just have fun.

That's what I was planning too.

Yeah, this is just, like, what?

20 or so minutes of running?

Which should be, like, a really short race

since you've been training, right?

Yeah. No, we have.

We did the training plan you sent.

Well, we haven't done all the training.

We did the training.

We did the training.

Been busy, huh?

- Yeah. - Oh.

We have been so busy with the show, it's...

-What show? -Our play.

Yeah, we're doing a play.

Yeah.

Oh, my God, of course. The play. That's happening?

I thought that was, like, a joke.

No, it's happening.

You guys are making a play?

Yeah, they were punking their neighbor,

and now they're doing theater.

Remember, we got the invite?

Yeah.

So what is it, like Mamma Mia?

No, no, no, it's like a...

Like a drama.

Yeah, it's got some comedy elements to it.

Yeah, it's funny.

You guys are gonna love it. It's so us.

It's so like our friend groups humor.

It's really funny.

Then we definitely want to see it.

I already have you on the VIP list, girl.

Elena Ferrante is DJing. It's gonna be in soon.

I don't even know who that is.

And we're gonna have a big social media push.

We're gonna need lots of likes.

-Yeah. -Lots of retweets, right? Right?

Lots of retweets. Lotta hashtags.

Gonna need my girlies out there on the front lines.

A big push.

You guys, like, having a baby?

We are.

We're pregnant with a theater baby.

I want some milk, Mama.

Theater baby.

Sorry, we've, uh, been spending a lot of time alone together

at the house.

Oh, I get it.

Yesterday we did each other's mole maps.

I got this sucker on my left glute.

and it's totally benign.

And we're off.

Okay.

I'm definitely not doing this.

No, not for me. Ah...

I don't know why we did this?

You know, like, why can't we just cancel

and let them know we don't want to do this?

No, because I told you, 'cause Rosie and Dawn,

they're trying to cut me out of their friendship.

I can tell.

And if I bail on this,

the trifecta will be destroyed forever.

I need friends.

It's a weird friendship.

But a girl needs friends, baby.

I know.

Okay, so if each of your fingers,

like, had a drink coming out of it

and you could only have those drinks

for the rest of your life,

what would be the five drinks

that would come out of your fingers?

Oh, well, water, one, for sure.

But what kind of water? Like get specific with it.

Do you know what I mean?

And also Fanta.

I like Orange Fan--

Do you wanna the rest of your life with me?

Will you marry me, Rosie?

Did you know that they were a couple?

Uh, no.

They were both straight, last time I checked.

And single. And--

Yes!

Yes! Yes!

I mean, they do post about how much

they love each other all the time.

Yeah, but I thought it was just, like,

straight girlfriend stuff.

Like straight girl-girlfriend.

Like I hug and kiss my girlies, like...

I think your best friend trifecta thing is...

Is over.

But how did I not know?

They didn't tell me.

I didn't even cross their minds?

Are they like a Rodgers and Hammerstein

kinda thing?

I mean. Yeah, I don't know.

Anyways, I mean, I'd do anything.

I just wanna work.

Yeah.

I mean, the play is kind of odd.

I don't know if it's conventionally good.

Ugh, not even really conventionally a play.

It almost feels like it was done with,

like, predictive texts.

Like they just had their phone just predict each next word.

They seem really proud of it.

Girl, it's fine.

It does not have to be perfect at first.

Just try.

Where did you go?

This is very difficult for me, monsieur.

We'll work on it.

It's-- it's a little Borat right now.

My left side's a little tight.

As big as you can make it.

Ah!

And then little face, scrunch it up.

Who has the smallest face?

Angry farmer, angry farmer.

Doug, I just wanted to say I love the new title.

The French Italian. So deep, so true.

I'm bored.

Yeah, exactly.

Because you're a controlling dick.

I am no dick.

And up.

And then down, and then up.

Agony.

Oblivion.

Pepperoni.

Ouch!

Ouch! Ouch!

Cheese.

Cheese.

Cheese.

Chair.

What goes through here?

Try a little bit more. Harder.

Doug.

Two romantic cultures.

Two nations separated by unscalable peaks.

Do you know where Val is?

I'm bored. I'm bored.

I killed him.

What am I gonna do with my life?

iPhone 14.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Oh, Doug!

- Hi! - Hi.

Oh, amazing.

Thank you so much for helping me out.

Oh, my gosh, it's the least I could do.

So wait, you need three mics, right?

Are you making an announcement up top?

I-- I guess. Yeah.

Okay.

I mean, I think you really should

make an announcement up top,

and then you will need a handheld microphone,

or else you will be shouting.

Yeah, that makes sense.

I can't believe how much this theater is like--

They're, like, nickel-and-diming us.

Am I right?

Totally.

Oh, this is a great space. Did you just move in?

Uh, no.

Uh, I've been here, what? Eight years?

Eight years.

It's a one -bedroom?

Studio.

Love the...

...sort of minimalist vibe you have going on.

It's really cute.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Thanks.

Loving your art.

Oh, yeah,

I've been experimenting with pastels recently,

and, um, there's this gallery that's actually

sort of interested in the work, potentially for a show.

But you know what?

They show a lot of, um, artists from Israel.

And I don't really know how I feel about that.

Yeah, well, it's hard to describe a situation

without sounding anti, like-- like-- like-- like ableist,

like judgmental.

Look, I don't know why you think a post-war apartment

is some crime against real estate.

It's just track lighting.

What I'm saying is she had, like, a--

Like, a exercise machine, like, a NordicTrack

in the dead center of her apartment.

No bed, nothing.

NordicTr-- like a-- like a-- like a ski machine?

I think what I'm trying to say is that I think our friend

might be facing some mental health challenges

that are making her less than a reliable source

of information and guidance right now.

Val, just-- just say what you're trying to say.

Okay.

Wendy is Charlie, Romeo, Alpha, Zulu, Yankee.

Roger that.

You copy?

Shit. Yeah, I copy. But--

Yeah.

Um, I just had this thought, Val?

Yeah.

Uh, I'm thinking what if the play is bad?

What if this is a mistake?

Um, what if all of our friends start making fun of us

and then they just don't ever wanna talk to us again?

Oh.

Can you-- can you-- can you tell me that

that's not gonna happen?

I don't know.

My back right now is like one knot.

I feel like a giant old warped tree.

Val.

What?

It's not gonna happen.

Are you sure?

I don't know because I just had the exact same premonition,

actually.

- Valerie! - I'm sorry.

This doesn't help me, you know?

I think we're just nervous, right?

Which is a good thing. It's a big deal.

We're-- we're-- we're putting ourself

out there in a new and exciting way.

It's a good thing.

I just feel vulnerable, and I've never really

felt like that before.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's a new feeling. Me too. Come here.

I wish we could cancel.

Maybe no one will show up.

That'd be great.

Yeah.

Yeah, 'cause, like, there's a million things

to do in the city, right?

I mean, who wants to go to a dinky little

one-act play, right?

What's one stupid one-act play?

Anybody can watch that and-- and be nice, right?

Sorry.

Hi!

Oh, shit.

What?

It's my boss, Arnie. Big boss.

The big boss?

Yeah, big boss.

Oh, no. Is that...

That's the Twitter lady.

Sheryl Hall from Vulture.

Oh, no, no, now why did I call my whole work directory?

This is a lot of pressure.

Yes, pressure.

Oh, God, this thing's filthy.

Don't touch anything.

Jesus!

- Hi. - You scared us, Wendy.

Are you two lovelies ready?

-No. -We're nervous.

Oh, I love this feeling.

Okay.

Hey, I wanted to say up top

that I loved working with the two of you,

and to experience this closeness.

And I'm ready to take this situation

or relationship or whatever you wanna call it

to the next level.

Okay.

What?

Let me be your unicorn.

I don't...

Oh!

Oh, my God.

Okay.

Well, see you at curtain call.

She touched your boob?

What the fuck was that?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Are-- are you hooking up with her?

No.

-Okay. -Are you?

No! God. Oh, no.

She was flirting with me badly, but I-- I didn't bring it on.

Was she doing that with me?

Do I just have no gaydar anymore?

-Like... -No.

Hey.

Mary needs you.

Okay. Okay, yeah.

Okay. Break a leg.

Mary, hi. How are you doing?

Fine.

Did you wanna see us for something?

What do you think of my eye makeup?

Oh.

It looks fine to me.

It's good. It's really gonna pop on stage.

Pop.

I told you it looks good, babe.

Oh, you guys. This is my boyfriend, Jordan.

I know you assholes.

Hi, how are you?

What do you mean?

These are our old neighbors.

No.

Uh, you have us confused with-- with somebody else.

No, I don't think I do.

You're always playing that harmonica super loud.

And you were always staring at me creepily out the window.

Howdy ho!

Howdy ho, neighbor!

Hey.

They're staring at us, right?

Very much so.

This is who wrote your play?

Oh, that is-- that is rich.

Oh, my God.

That whole monologue

about how you're a noisy rude person.

What'd you guys write a whole stupid play

just because we woke you up one night?

It was, like, multiple times.

It's not what you think.

It's not? Oh, no. Pretty sure it is.

I heard the whole play, obviously,

because I would run lines with Mary every night,

and I thought,

"You know, this sounds familiar.

You know, poorly written, really stupid,

like, fucking horrible writing,

but definitely familiar."

And now I get why. It's you two freaks.

Oh, my God.

He's right, isn't he?

Well, I think he's over simplifying it a little bit.

It's-- it's-- it's-- there's an explanation.

Let's hear it.

Mary, how are you feeling?

If you're going to explain, then explain.

We just wanted to meet you.

Oh, you just wanted to meet me?

-Don't-- -We just wanted to see you act.

Don't touch her.

I bet you're pretty proud of yourself.

-No. -Well, not at the moment, no.

You must think you're so clever

making fun of me and manipulating me.

It wasn't intentional.

Yeah, it didn't feel as good as we thought it would.

How can you be so cruel?

You might think that you're good people,

but you're not.

You're bad people.

Babe, may I have a word with them?

One other thing.

Oh, God.

Hi, everybody.

I know you're expecting us to, you know,

put on a show for you tonight,

but, uh, you know,

I don't think we have anything to, um...

Thank you. Hello, hello.

So the truth is it's gonna be

a bit of an early one, a bit of an early night.

There have been some ha-- mishaps,

which is there are things in life...

We're good to go.

I guess the truth is we're going to let

the work speak for itself.

Thank you.

Where is she? She's gonna do the show?

Mary, we're sorry.

Oh, no. She left and she was pissed.

What?

Fuck yeah.

Why'd you say we're good to go?

We're good to do nothing.

Wendy, why did you tell us to start?

We're failures. We're failures.

We have failed.

And now everyone knows.

As they say in the West End,

the show must go on.

Cue curtain. Go curtain.

- No, no! - Wendy!

Wendy! Stop!

- No, no, no, no, no. - No. Nope, what? No.

Sparky!

Sparky!

Come back to me.

Ah, that Pomeranian mix.

Why does he always run away from me?

Cecilia!

- I can't watch. - What is he doing now?

Get your French and Italian butt in here

and fix my dinner.

Now.

Cecilia. Now!

Now. Now.

Now.

Do you mock me in my own house?

As a matter of fact, I do mock you in your own house,

which I refuse to pay any rent,

because housing is a human right,

and I am a human!

Did we write that?

Cecilia.

Turn me on

and sing from the bowels

of your soul.

Press.

Ding!

Express.

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day

when we would spend the night together?

You were always falling asleep on my arm.

And then my arm would fall asleep.

Well, I'm wide awake now,

and so is my arm!

No.

No!

I'm not going to do that.

I'm not going to play into your ploy

to make me the bad guy.

You and Sparky can pack your things.

In fact, I am getting the hell out

of this hell hole.

I actually loved it.

What was with that one song, though?

I know.

I mean, since when can a play just have one song?

- Val! - Hey!

- Hey. - How are you, man?

It's so good to see you.

Amazing.

Honestly, I didn't even know you had a talent.

Um, thank you.

-I am so proud to know you. -Yeah.

That really moved me, man Moved my cold little heart.

Ah, thanks, man. That means a lot.

My girlies.

Congratulations.

-Thank you so much. -So, so good.

Where did you find that actor?

He is fabulous.

Well...

Well, Val directed the show actually, so...

Oh, no, Doug guided me.

It's really all her.

Half the audience had their camera's out,

and was just like--

you know, what I mean?

What about the, um, you know, the lady?

You know, the one you were pranking?

The...

-Um... -I didn't see her.

Yeah.

There he is!

Oh, so good!

Oh, my God.

So good.

He's so good.

Ah!

So, so beautiful!

Oh, my gosh!

Um, hey, babe?

Isn't this the guy from Val and Doug's

show last week?

Who?

Oh, yeah, I saw that earlier.

I should text Valerie.

I guess he went viral. A real hoot.

No wait, I should post and then tag her.

That's better, right?

Why's that better?

Because then everyone will see it,

and also see that I know them.

Which one?

Oh, Val left her job.

Quit or fired?

It says she's following her dreams.

Do you think I should call her?

No, if she wanted to talk to us, she'd call us.

Yeah.

And she never calls us.

Well, that's probably why they didn't get the apartment.

Probably fired.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But it stayed and grew worse.

As if I were the only creature alive

who wasn't truly alive.

Wow, that was great.

Thank you.

You really, really brought a lot of

surprising, interesting stuff to it.

I've been through some stuff.

Yeah, well, we liked it.

Um, well, it's so funny.

It wasn't even originally supposed to be a one-man show.

And then Joe just swooped in.

Oh, he's so amazing, right?

It was just a big, you know, surprise,

you know, a good surprise.

Like a-- like a pie in the face

If you-- if you like-- if you like pies.

If you like pies.

Mm, hmm. That's amazing.

And this was your first play?

Mm, first produced play.

Yes. Um, how do you know?

Well, I read the Vulture piece.

You did?

Of course I did.

And The New York Times, and that, um,

oh, that little blurb,

and what's his little face is substack.

That-- that is good PR.

That was all, Val.

-Oh. -She did it all.

It was nothing, easy.

She did it.

And Doug, you are so funny.

Interviews. You're a genius.

Your pull quotes.

Do you-- you write those or what do you do?

I just say what comes in my head and then out my mouth.

Come out of your mouth. You're so funny.

So tell me-- tell me everything.

I mean, what are you thinking?

Hopes, dreams, goals.

I think, you know, when Joe went viral,

we were getting a lot of calls,

a lot of attention, and we sort of took it

as a sign from the universe.

It's like, "Maybe this is the path we should be on."

Yeah.

It's honestly so beautiful.

Thank you.

Unlike this cup.

Ugliest cup I've ever seen.

Regardless, here's the thing.

I know I haven't seen your play,

or even read it,

but I love what I've heard about it.

And obviously there's the Joe Mangione of it all.

And everyone at the agency loves Joe.

Yeah, he's suddenly everywhere.

- Everywhere. - Right.

And that's why we're in love with you both.

Because if you're gonna do another project with Joe,

we'd love to be involved.

Yeah, I think we don't know exactly what we wanna do next.

Um...

Um, or really, if Joe's in-- if Joe's involved,

we don't know that.

Right. But, uh...

Oh, really?

But, I mean, he-- he-- he could be involved.

Yeah, we have a lot of ideas.

We have a lot of, like, for ideas.

-A lot of them. -Right, yes.

Yeah. Yeah. That's amazing.

I mean, Joe could totally be involved.

-Yeah. -We could definitely do that.

Definitely.

If you do end up doing anything with Joe,

give us a call.

Call me first.

Okay. Thank you so much.

Now it's departing at 4:44.

Yeah, it says it on the board.

Wait, is that Joe?

No, it's my boss.

But you texted him, right?

Yeah, I texted him. I said we wanna meet.

But did you send the GIF?

I sent him the GIF. He hasn't responded yet.

Okay.

Now it's saying departing at 5:00 p.m.

Stop checking.

Well, I'm just trying to keep you updated.

Yeah, I know, but I already know it's delayed,

so I don't need to know like exactly how delayed it is.

Doesn't help.

Doesn't mean anything to me.

What?

I'm sorry I snapped at you.

I just don't need a constant update.

What?

Okay, say it.

You shouldn't call yourself detail-oriented

if you don't wanna be oriented on the details.

Dude, we wouldn't even be late if you hadn't spent an hour

in the bathroom washing up.

It was a handshake.

Okay, you didn't see his hands.

This is ridiculous.

You do not value my time.

You don't respect my energy.

I do so much stuff for us.

I'm planning everything, I'm always on top of it.

And then you just show up.

You waltz in whenever you want.

It's exhausting.

I don't waltz in whenever.

I waltz in when you want me to waltz in!

I-- I-- I know. I...

Because I'm on your time clock.

As you should be.

As I should be?

I have a life too, you know?