All language subtitles for Bojack.horseman.S04E01.WEBRip.x264-RARBG.English-WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

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So you said let's do
the show about the horse,

- but this time without the horse.
- I know, I'm sorry.

And I said, "That's a terrible idea."

And you said, "I got someone
even better." I got...

- What's this asshole's name again?
- Vincent D'Onofrio.

- And here we are.
- Okay. Action!

Hey, Zoe. Hey, Zelda.

- I forgot my boombox.
- And your deodorant.

Pee-yew, mister.

- Zoe, that's no way to get adopted.
- Adopted, by me?

Children, I'm a single
breakdancing instructor

who can barely take care of himself.

Plus, I'm too rad to be a dad.

Ooh!

And shake it up. Hah!

Cut!

It's fine, Katrina.

If I didn't randomly wander
into doors all the time,

I never would have ended up
co-piloting the very plane

that brought me to Los Angeles.

Excuse me, didn't you see the
flashing red light outside the door?

Of course. That's why I stopped...

what I was doing to come inside.

Ooh, are you filming a
sitcom? I love sitcoms!

You should have a character
say, "Talk to the hand."

The hand! Not the face,
where the ears are.

Newsflash: hands can't hear.

What do you mean the character
needs to be more likable?

They don't teach likability at
the American Stanislavski Theatre.

Look, this is not about your acting.

You don't want an actor,
you want a blank canvas

upon which to project your own
mawkish notions of goodness.

Some man for all seasons
up for a bit of anything...

cheerful, optimistic, indomitable.

I assure you no such man exists.

But you're welcome to keep looking.

This D'Onofrio has had enoughfrio.

- Hah hah!
- Hmm.

But my favorite scenes
are when a character

is completely oblivious to something

really important going on behind him.

That, dear friends, is where
the sit truly hits the com.

- Excuse me.
- Kind of in the middle of something.

- He's yakking away, tension's building...
- Hey, you, sir.

... the audience is
like, "Hey, turn around."

Maybe the person behind
him even interrupts him...

- Can we talk to you for a second?
- Just like that.

And then, when it would
be ridiculous to go on

even one second longer...

- My name is David Chase.
- Do you mind?

Only then does he say, exasperated,

"What? What do you want?"

I want your face on billboards, you
beautiful nonsensical clown prince.

Doggie-doggie what now?

Kid, how'd you like to be the star

of "Untitled Horsin' Around Knockoff"?

Me, a star? But I have no
experience, no formal training.

Hey, you, you don't
need any of those things.

You got "it."

Ohh...

Hey, BoJack, it's me again.

Hmm?

I haven't heard from you
in, like, three months,

so I'm calling again to
make sure you're okay.

What's new with me?

Well...

Monocle? No, I think you're
thinking of Mr. Peanut.

I don't know if you heard

but Mr. Peanutbutter is
running for governor, kind of.

I want a comprehensive crisscross
of cold calls to Contra Costa County.

I mean, Christ, people,
get me signatures.

First, they need to get Woodchuck
Coodchuck-Berkowitz recalled,

which is basically impossible.

So that actually makes it really
easy for me to be supportive.

- How's the recall effort?
- Stupendous!

Uh, no. We're about 4,000
signatures shy of stupendous,

and the deadline's in a week.

Even if you don't get all the
signatures, I'll still be proud of you.

Maybe even more so.

But when we do get the
signatures we need...

- please note I said "when," not "if"...
- Noted.

... then the campaign will begin in...

oh, where did you say again, Katrina?

Earnest. When we get the signatures,

the campaign will begin in earnest.

Right. Earnest, California.

Earnest is not a city
in Cal... Why do I try?

Looks like you two have
everything worked out.

Just please note that
I am being supportive.

Noted!

Most women wouldn't like
having their husband's ex-wife

hanging around all the time,
but I'm totally cool with it

because she makes me look
super chill by comparison.

Oh, uh... okay.

Anyway, call me back.

This is Diane, by the
way. Nguyen, obviously.

You sure you wouldn't
rather just play a governor

in a movie or TV show?

I could attach Tommy Schlamme to direct.

Tommy Schlamme, shmommy Schlamme.

This is bigger than all
that. Don't you recall?

- Recall what?
- The governor. We need signatures.

Oh, sure. Where do you
stand on the issues?

Oh, he doesn't stand anywhere on issues

because he's not
running for governor yet.

I'm mainly for people right
now and also for the future.

Listen, I'm not feeling so hot.

Why don't you go get
signatures downstairs.

Jennifer Garner's in the lobby.
She'll sign on to anything.

Judah! Can I get your
John Wilkes Hancock?

Oh, I never developed a signature.

I find them unnecessarily ostentatious.

But I can print my name legibly.

Thank you, Rain Man-bun.
That'll do nicely.

Okay.

Ralph dropped this off for you.

"I always make a beeline
to see my feline." Aww!

Also, you wanted me to remind you

about FX's American
Dead Girl miniseries.

Oh, that's right! What train wreck
are we rubbernecking at this year?

They're doing the Sarah Lynn story

and they're looking for
someone to play BoJack.

Oh!

Well, as I was saying, FX is
looking for a BoJack Horseman...

Ugh!

Horseman... Ho...

So, as we discussed earlier,

is this one of the moments
where you would want privacy?

You know what I'd do if I
had eight million dollars?

- Yeah, you'd give it to the waitress.
- Oh, no, no, no.

I mean, if I had eight
million dollars now,

I'd start a company that
makes remote-controlled drones.

But these drones have a
seat hanging from the bottom

so you can fly around in it.

A drone with a throne. A drone throne.

But if you're in it,
isn't it not a drone?

I feel like you're getting
really hung up on labels.

Well, anyways, with my
eight million dollars

I'm starting a new dating
app just for firemen

and redheaded women named Emily.

Aww, you don't need an
app, just hang out with me.

Todd, you're great.

What a way to end a sentence.

But I want a boyfriend
who isn't asexual.

Whoa. Why did you call me that?

No, no, it's not bad. I
didn't mean it negatively.

- I was just, like, stating it.
- I'm not... that word doesn't describe...

Okay, okay, I'm sorry,
whatever you call yourself,

you're my friend and I support you.

But sometimes labels can be helpful.

Wow. Well, I would label
this conversation "rough".

Here's the check.

And this cow likes getting tipped.

Hey, BoJack, it's me
again, voicemail number 17.

Did I tell you I'm working at a blog?

I wrote a story about an
all-girl refugee kickball league.

It didn't get as many
clicks as Gillian's story

about how in certain pictures

you can see the outline
of Chris Hemsworth's penis

but, you know, we're all
contributing in our own ways.

Anyway, it's weird
not having you around.

I hope you're okay, wherever you are.

"I'm so smitten with my
favorite little adult cat."

Oh! I love it.

I'm sorry I couldn't make it

to the Paul Blart 3: Till Death
Do Us Blart premiere last night.

I had a doctor's appointment.

- Whoa. Is everything okay?
- Yeah, yeah, it's fine.

I don't like not knowing where you are,

especially when we live three freeways

and an unprotected left
turn away from each other.

I was thinking, what if you
move somewhere closer to me,

like into my house?

Oh. Wow!

Would you, could you, with a mouse?

I... I could, and I would,
but it's not a good time.

Oh, okay.

- I'm sorry.
- No, no, it's fine. There's no hurry.

- We're still young, right?
- Oh, yeah, I'm super young.

Blake Lively accidentally
called me Mommy yesterday,

but I'm sure she does that to
other young women all the time.

Churro-flavored waffles!

Huh?

Drone Throne.

Whoa, whoa!

Okay, Todd. Whoa!

Oh, God, today's the day.

I haven't been this nervous
since Diane was vacuuming

during a thunderstorm
on the Fourth of July,

I had to take a bath, and there
was a stranger in our yard.

There's no need to be nervous,
or calm for that matter

because you've already lost.

We're 1,600 signatures short and
the clock runs out at 9:00 AM.

So it's gonna take a miracle, huh?

Oh, no! It's over.

Everyone can get out of my house now.

Ooh, tough break, kid.
We're all in shock.

McG! Are you still looking for a star

for your transgender Teddy Roosevelt

Planes, Trains and Automobiles reboot,

Plans, Trans, A Man, A Canal, Panama?

Because someone just became available.

Whoa! Whoa!

I don't understand what happened.

Let me put it in terms your
dumb dog brain can comprehend.

All your life people have
been throwing you bones

because they like you,

but everyone has a ceiling
to their likability.

This is a bone you can't have,

because people just
don't like you enough.

- I'm sorry, Mr. Peanutbutter.
- You know, it's funny.

Personally I like Woodchuck
and he's a fine governor,

but for some reason, even though
I have zero qualifications,

I honestly thought I would have
made an even better governor.

- Well, what matters is you tried.
- But I would have been good, right?

Now that there's no chance
you will ever be governor,

I can tell you honestly...

Yes. You would have been great.

Stop. But seriously, though, elaborate.

You care about people,
you follow your heart.

Those are important qualities
you should never give up on.

So what you're saying
is I shouldn't give up?

- On those qualities.
- Yeah. Never concede.

- Stick it out, stay in the race.
- Uh... no...

Uh, maybe we should get
Katrina's two cents on this.

- Katrina?
- Race. That's it, Diane!

You diabolical Thin Mint.

You, and only you,

are responsible for the
great thing I am about to do.

Katrina?

Thank you, thank you.

Moments ago I found myself in what
seemed to be a no-win situation.

But it turns out it was
a "Nguyen situation."

I'm referring of course to my
supportive wife Diane Nguyen,

who told me to never give up!

And that's why I am challenging
Woodchuck Coodchuck-Berkowitz

- to a ski race down Devil's Mountain.
- What?

No more petitions or
fancy ballot initiatives,

just a mano a mano,
no-holds-barred slippery slalom

down an ice-covered peak.

Winner gets to be
governor, loser goes home.

Your move, Governor. Mic drop!

Aaah!

What the hell is he talking about?

It sounds like he's challenging you

to a ski race down Devil's Mountain.

What an absurd conceit. Do I
even need to respond to this?

No, sir.

Because I'd rather focus on
my drought relief optimization

using geohydration
technology, or DROUGHT plan.

If I know anything, this story
will go away in a couple of days.

Now Mr. Peanutbutter,

you challenged Woodchuck
to a ski race a month ago.

Not just any ski race, a high-stakes
dash down Devil's Mountain

- for the governorship itself.
- But still no comment from the governor.

Why won't he race you?
That's what I want to know.

You and me both, friendo.

But this isn't an
us-ocracy, it's a dem-ocracy.

- Ooh!
- So let's ask "dem" what "dey" think.

Any questions for the governor, folks?

Why won't Woodchuck race?

So, to be clear, my DROUGHT plan
is actually a drought relief plan.

I see now how that's
confusing. Any other questions?

Are you going to race Mr. Peanutbutter?

Any questions about the DROUGHT plan?

To ski or not to ski?

That was the question
posed by William Shakespeare

and it's perhaps even
more relevant today.

Of course, there are reasons
why a gubernatorial election

should not be decided by a ski race,

but are there also
reasons why it should?

For the sake of "fairness"

we've brought in two experts
with opposite opinions

who will now have equal time
to just say those opinions

because that's what news is.

You think they'll really
race down Devil's Mountain?

What do I care? As long as I've
got my giant bag of kettle corn,

that's the only thing that concerns me.

- What the?
- Drone Throne strikes again! Ha ha!

Get back here with my kettle corn!

You can't call it a drone
if you're riding on it.

Suckers! Hooray!

Ha ha! Oh... oh, no!

Aw, man.

I was hoisted by my own petard,

the one petard I thought
would never hoist me.

Unprecedented poppycock.

This poppycock has no precedent.

Maybe it's time to make a statement.

Madeline, no.

This outlandish buffoonery is
beneath the office of the governor.

I can't defile the
legacy of my predecessors

who built the Golden Gate Bridge,
irrigated the Central Valley,

and played Mr. Freeze in a Batman movie.

Can't you see this thing
is eating you alive?

Do it for us, Woodcharles. Do it for us.

And so this ski race would be both
undemocratic and unconstitutional,

which is why I will not be racing

Mr. Peanutbutter down Devil's Mountain.

What if the state constitution
were changed to allow it?

- Then would you race Mr. Peanutbutter?
- I...

Fine. If a state senator
wanted to waste everybody's time

by sponsoring an amendment
to the constitution,

and the motion got two-thirds
majority in both houses

so as to allow a
democratically-elected governor

to accept a ski race
challenge for his office,

then yes, I would race Mr. Peanutbutter.

Well, I guess that puts
that idea to bed, right?

- Hmm.
- Right?

- Hmm...
- Right?!

You want me to sponsor a ski race
amendment to the constitution?

Or you could sponsor the
amendment that has a hidden rider

doubling farm subsidies
in your district.

- Inglewood could use some farms.
- That's right.

I do have these campaign
donors... uh, I mean, constituents

who really care about babies'
access to vaping devices.

Uh-huh.

I've always wanted to drive
across a bridge to Hawaii.

- Can we do that?
- You got it.

Aloha!

Hoo hoo hoo hoo! Whoo!

It tickles.

I'm astounded that it has come to this.

But since the exorbitantly expensive

and astonishingly titled I Love
California amendment is now law,

I formally accept Mr. Peanutbutter's
challenge to a ski race.

It happens that I'm an excellent skier

who won numerous medals in the
sport when I raced for Dartmouth

but, again, I am shocked
that fact is relevant

in the matter of selecting
our state's governor.

Mr. Peanutbutter, I will
see you on Devil's Mountain.

- Whoa!
- This is insane.

You could actually become
governor by winning a race.

Yeah. Wow.

You know, it's days like
this I wish I knew how to ski.

- You don't ski?
- Never really got into it, no.

Then why did you challenge
the governor to a ski race?

I didn't think it would get this far.

You gotta admit, this
is pretty out there.

Well, I guess that's it. Oh, well.
Tough break. Bye forever, Katrina.

No, this is not over.
This is just beginning.

Mr. Peanutbutter, you're
going to ski school.

Doggie-doggie what now?

Hey, BoJack, it's me again.

Where are you, I'm worried,

hope you're not dead, etc... you get it.

Anyway, things are even
crazier around here lately.

Don't know if you've seen the news,

but I really wish you
were here for this.

Well, I'm off to ski school
so I can learn how to ski,

so I can become the governor.

You'd say something like,

"That's the dumbest
thing I've ever heard."

Sounds great, sweetheart.

But as the old saying
goes, that's politics.

Then you'd probably say,
"A, that's not an old saying

and, B, that's not politics!
Nothing about that is politics."

This is so great!

Then you would be so overwhelmed

by the unbearable
ludicrousness of the situation

that you would get in your
car and drive to Hawaii,

which is also a thing you could do now

because of a new bill that cost
our state billions of dollars.

It's all so great!

You know, it's funny, because
the last time I saw you

you told me that you
needed me in your life,

and then you just disappeared.

So how do you think that makes me feel?

Well, wherever you are,
I hope you're happy.

I really do, BoJack.

Also, I haven't seen Todd in a
while. He's not with you, is he?

Oh, simple kettle corn.

Between the worlds of
the sweet and the savory.

Not quite popcorn, not quite candy.

What are we?

Hey, get away! Get, get!

Wow, my first day at ski academy.

What collegiate
shenanigans will befall me?

There will be no
shenanigans on my watch.

Professor Thistlethorpe,

the famously humorless yet somehow
also lovable ski instructor?

Peanutbutter, is it? Everything
about you disgusts me.

Uh...

And yet, there might be
something in you after all.

You really mean it?

This shall be my greatest challenge.

Meet me on the summit
tomorrow at daybreak.

Well, it is daybreak and
here we are at the summit.

First lesson, break your skis in half.

Oh, I don't have skis. Was
I supposed to bring skis?

- You didn't say that.
- No bother. They shan't be required.

Instead, read this book of poetry.

I'll see you in the classroom.

Ah, there you are. Did you
read the book of poetry?

No! I forgot to.

- Excellent.
- I'm sor... Excellent?

My assignment was a test.

Skiing isn't about reading old books.

- It's about speaking truth to power...
- Oh!

... and you have spoken it eloquently.

You are my finest student.

I love you.

- Are you okay, professor?
- Just a cough.

I'm sure it's nothing. You can
come by tomorrow for your diploma.

I can't believe ski
school is already over.

Professor Thistlethorpe?
Professor Thistlethorpe!

Remember everything I taught you.

I will.

Also, if you have any tips for
skiing, that would be really helpful.

The most important part of skiing

is to keep your legs ben...

Who's Ben?

Devil's Mountain is the
place, skiing is the sport.

I'm uncomfortable. It's cold out.

Tell me, who do you think
will win today's bout

and what does it mean for
the future of California?

I hate winter sports.

I want to go inside and drink a cider.

And they're off!

Woodchuck, off to a great start.

Mr. Peanutbutter seems to be employing

some sort of awkwardly
falling down technique.

- Any sign of them?
- Nothing yet.

- Oh! I made you a card.
- You did?

Oh, wow, it's sparkly.

Sorry, I went a little
overboard with the glitter

and a little underboard with the glue.

"Let's move in together.
I think I'm ready now."

This is great. Are you sure, though,

because last time you
seemed a little hesitant.

- No, I was just a little pregnant.
- Oh!

I was gonna tell you, really,

but then before I could tell you
there was nothing to tell you.

Oh.

I'm so sorry. I still
wish you would've told me.

I have a card for that. On the
front it says, "Life isn't fairage."

I'm sorry. I just felt dumb because
all my life I've wanted a family.

But I didn't want it to happen just
because I got pregnant by accident

- and then you got stuck with me.
- Okay, first of all,

if I get stuck to something, you're
the prettiest glue trap I ever saw.

- You know what I mean.
- Second, if that's how you feel,

maybe you shouldn't get
pregnant by accident.

- Well, I didn't try to!
- No.

I'm saying maybe we should
get you pregnant on purpose.

- Really?
- Yeah.

We love each other, and we enjoy
having sex with each other...

and we're good at having
sex with each other.

And also, I think you'd
be an amazing mother.

Even Blake Lively thinks so.

Ah, still got it.

Yes!

Whoa! Whoa-ho-ho!

Ohh! Get control.

Woodchuck in the lead,
still in the lead.

Woodchuck remains very much in the lead.

Goodbye, dear friend.

You served me well.

Okay, all right, here we go.

Mr. Peanutbutter?

Ohh!

I see Woodchuck!

Yes!

Go, Woodcharles!

Oh... whoa... Whoa!

Oh, my God.

Todd forever!

Whaa!

Ow, ow, ow, ow!

Invictus!

Ooh! Ooh.

Oh... ohh.

- Did I win?
- Come on, honey.

Let's go home.

Well, I hope that settles it.

We can finally put an
end to this nonsense.

Sir, the rules are clear:

the first person to cross the
finish line becomes governor,

and, well, a strange
boy fell out of the sky

and crossed the line first.

They're swearing him in now.

- So help me Todd.
- Congratulations, Governor Chavez.

You know, ever since
I first became governor

I've thought, "I don't
want to be governor"

and that's where I am now.

So, can I not be governor?

You'd like to resign?

Yeah. I'm just really
not into labels right now.

Maybe after some soul searching I'll
be ready to really know what I am.

But for right now, I think
I speak for all Californians

when I say, "I ate too much kettle corn

while drifting through the sky on
an out of control drone throne."

Okay, is this charade over?
Can I be governor again?

Sir, we live in a society of laws.

When a governor resigns, that
triggers a special election.

Until which, the governor's
seat shall remain vacant.

Election, you say?

Mr. Peanutbutter, will you run?

- You bet I will, and you know why?
- No, tell me.

Because this whole ski race was a joke.

Of course Woodchuck was gonna
beat me. He went to Dartmouth.

So where's the candidate
for regular schmoes like me,

- who went to Northwestern?
- Is he serious right now?

You know, Governor
Woodchuck Coodchuck-Berkowitz

thinks he's better than us,
but is he better than us?

- No!
- Uh, if I could say a few words...

He thinks the race is over.

Well, I say it's just starting.

And he wants me to sit
and stay and roll over?

- No!
- I say California's tired of rolling over.

What do you say?

- Yeah!
- I'm tired.

I say it's time for me
to stand up and speak.

Diane-Diane what now?

So loud as you can, let
me hear what you want.

Peanutbutter! Peanutbutter!

- Uh, citizens...
- I can't hear you!

Peanutbutter! Peanutbutter!

Peanutbutter!

- Peanutbutter!
- Friends, some decorum, please.

- Peanutbutter! Peanutbutter!
- Ah!

Peanutbutter! Peanutbutter!

Peanutbutter! Peanutbutter!

- The mailbox belonging to...
- BoJack Horsemack...

- Horseman... oh, wait, how do I...
- ... is full. Goodbye.