Original subtitles

*

(WHEEL CLICKS)

('TASKMASTER' THEME)

- (SNORTS)

- (BLUBBERS LIPS)

- (GASPS)

(KEYS CLACK)

(CLUNK!)

(SPLASH!)

(THUD!)

(KEYS CLACK)

- (GROANS)

(POP!)

I'm peeing in the water.

- Whoo-hoo!

- Gotta be faster than that!

- Ta-da!

(KEYS CLACK)

- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

(SPLASH!)

(WHEEL CLICKS)

- (EXHALES)

(CLUNK!)

www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2021

(DING!)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Kia ora koutou. Welcome along to the eighth episode of Taskmaster New Zealand.

We are deep into our second season.

I am still Jeremy Wells, and I'm still, despite protests from Matt Heath, the Taskmaster.

For many months, I've been challenging five comedians to impress me

by completing a series of intricate tasks at our top secret Taskmaster ranch.

Tonight, we watch them and we judge them, and by 'we', I meanIjudge them.

Then in just two weeks' time, we add up all the points and crown a champion,

who will be gifted this most luxurious dome ― my head, painted gold.

- (ALL EXCLAIM)

- Our contestants are David Correos,... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...Guy Montgomery,... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...Laura Daniel,... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...Matt Heath... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...and Urzila Carlson. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

By my side, as always, my special little admin boy,

the free bread roll to my expensive crayfish dinner; it's my assistant, Paul Williams.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- So good to be here, Jeremy.

I would like to start this episode by just giving a massive shout out to some of our sponsors ―

Paul's Key Emporium and Kiwi Tape Measurers.

So if we could maybe get their email addresses just along the― along here, the bottom of thescreen.

- Are these people paying to be our sponsors?

- No. I would appreciate it if we could just get the websites across there.

- If they're not paying to be in the show, we obviously don't want them―

we don't want to put up their websites.

It doesn't really make any sense. It's not― - Please?

- It's not how sponsorship kind of works.

- OK, ignore the websites, but I'll just say them ― kiwitapemeasurers.co.nz

and, uh, paulskeyemporium.co.nz. (LAUGHTER)

- Right, is it time for the prize task, Paul Williams?

- It is prize task time, and tonight our contestants are turning back the clock,

because they have all brought in the most nostalgia-inducing item. - AUDIENCE: Ooh!

- Yes, the Taskmaster will decide which item is the most nostalgia-inducing,

and that person will win five points.

The person who wins the episode ― they'll take home all five nostalgia-inducing items.

- Right, I'm already drifting back to the days of my youth,

though maybe that's because I can smell Matt Heath's Lynx body spray, that Africa, from over here.

Laura, what have you brought in? - I brought in a SEGA and an unopened packet of Snifters.

- Wow! - Wow. Oh, boy. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

A SEGA Master System II. - It's a pretty clearly opened packet of Snifters.

(LAUGHTER)

- I just want to apologise. I saw the box backstage. (LAUGHTER)

I had no idea it was for this. There's three left. (CHUCKLES) (LAUGHTER)

- I had one of these, a SEGA Master System II ― Super Monaco Grand Prix. - It had that built-in game.

- Alex the Kidd! - Yeah! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- All right, Alex the Kidd. All right, Urzila, what did you bring in?

- A cassette tape.

On that cassette, I have recorded myself talking about from back in the day in the '70s and'80s

and all the fun I had, and then I broke the little nibs out the back.

So if you want to tape over it, you're going to have to chew a bit of paper and stick it in the hole.

(LAUGHTER)

- Hey, it was a pity you didn't write anything on the actual― cos you know what,

you get a lot of those at the bottom of your drawer,

and that would give you a real fright if you put that on and then heard you crapping on about your...

(LAUGHTER) ...childhood. - Yeah, but see,

I-I kind of figured you can draw little love hearts or whatever― why am I talking to you?

You're not gonna win it. (LAUGHTER)

So that they could write on it and go, 'Soothing' or 'Night-time Chats' or―

- It's true. Often if I can't get to sleep, I'll put on Urzila's Netflix special.

(LAUGHTER) - Which one?

- Matt, can you beat Urzila's cassette tape?

- I think I can. I can take you back to the mid '90s. This is taking me back to my youth.

(LAUGHTER)

- Talk us through what's there. - The great Kiwi tradition of spots. - Yeah! Yeah!

- That's a full set. That's― That's everything you need. (LAUGHTER)

And for your comfort, there's just a little bit of tape around the end of the knife,

just in case they get too hot. (LAUGHTER)

- I want to win this episode so badly. (LAUGHTER)

- Guy, what did you bring in? - I've played straight to your heart this evening, Jeremy.

I know you're a big cricket fan, and I have here a mounted Richard Hadlee mini bat ―

limited edition, released after his retirement, the classic collection.

I did the maths. He retired in, I think, June 1990. You would have been 23.

You must have been a huge Hadlee guy. - I was a huge Hadlee fan.

I had the skip at the beginning. I wore wristbands. I modelled myself on Sir Richard,

and one day I got to sit beside him at a lunch. It was the greatest day of my life.

He proceeded to drain three bottles of red wine. (LAUGHTER)

To dull me out, I think. I was so punishing.

- That's funny. I might have seen him that same day,

because I once saw him at the Koru Lounge having a very, very sitting up nap.

(LAUGHTER)

- David, what did you bring in? - I had the pleasure of working with this person a couple of years back,

and she pulled through. I got Suzy Cato's glasses. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

-TheSuzy Cato? -TheSuzy Cato. - She's a lovely woman, Suzy.

- She's so lovely. - But I never knew that her glasses would have fists.

(LAUGHTER) - (COMEDIANS EXCLAIM)

- LAUGHS: I never noticed that. - URZILA: It's like on a motorbike, though!

- Did you tell her that they might get won by one of the other contestants?

- No, cos I'm going to win them tonight. (LAUGHTER)

- Shall we score it? - Let's score it.

- Well, I think David should probably get five points.

I want to get him off to a good start, cos I want Suzy to get her glasses back.

I think it's important. So, David, you get five.

I think, Urzila, you get one for that tape, cos I'd rather not listen to you.

I think, Guy, two points for you, only because I have that very cricket bat,

and I look at it every day, so it's not nostalgic for me at all. (LAUGHTER)

Laura. - Four...? - Three for you, Laura.

And four for Matt with the spots. - Yes! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- (LAUGHS)

- Would you like to watch a task? - I would love to watch a task.

- OK, just a heads up ― this task may make you tear up a little.

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

- Hi.

- Paul Williams, I presume?

- You know that.

- Oh...

- Oh, sweet baby Jesus.

- Hard to imagine what you'd need that many onions for. - Big lasagne?

- Pretty onion-heavy lasagne.

- Are you familiar with hot flush, Paul? - No.

(OIL DRUM CLANGS)

- Oh.

- 'Build a tower using only onions.'

- 'Tallest tower wins.'

- 'Also, whoever delivers the most moving speech...'

- '...will have 15cm added to their tower height.'

- 'You have 10 minutes.'

- 'Your time starts now.'

- (EXHALES)

10 minutes?

- We're gonna need a bigger boat.

It's from Jaws. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- All right, some high-rise onion construction and some moving speeches ―

what more could you want from a task, Paul?

- Would you like to see someone give it a go? - I'd love to.

- Well, up first is Matt Heath. - (EXHALES) It's not good. Not good.

Gidday, Paul. - Hello.

- Try to live in the moment, Paul, you know what I mean?

(GRUNTS) I just hope that as we travel on...

God's journey and realise that we do have a purpose on planet Earth,

whatever you... choose― choose to be, Paul, is beautiful.

- Would you say that this is a tower made only of onions?

- The onion part of it is. (GRUNTS)

(LAUGHTER)

That was disappointing.

There's a base of onions in the bath.

What counts here is all the onions. - What about the bath?

- The bath is unrelated to the tower.

- It seems like quite a key part of the tower.

- 'Build a tower using...

'onions, mainly. Tallest tower wins.'

- I don't think that's what it said. - 'And use structural support as you see fit.'

- It says 'only onions.'

(CRASH!)

- You've got three minutes and 35 seconds.

(THUD!)

- How long have I got? - 10 seconds.

- Looking pretty good. Pretty happy with this one.

- Five seconds.

(WHISTLE TRILLS)

(LAUGHTER)

- (SIGHS DEEPLY) It's one onion high.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER) - Wow.

I guess one onion's one onion. - Yes, well, I measured the tallest of the onions,

which was 7.4cm. - I'm happy with that.

When were we supposed to be delivering the inspirational speech? - During.

- Oh, that was good, though. - Well, I've got a quote from that. - Yeah.

- 'As you travel on God's journey,...' - Mm-hm.

- '...whatever you choose to be is beautiful.' (LAUGHTER)

- It is vaguely inspiring. - Yeah.

- I'm an atheist.

- Yeah, same. Same. - Well, yeah, I personally found it the most moving speech so far.

(LAUGHTER)

- We'll be back to raise up more onion towers in the very near future.

See you right after these delightful and financially necessary messages. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

*

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back.

It's episode eight of Taskmaster, and everybody has been on the edge of their seats

to find out what happens in our onion-building/speech-making competition.

- Our contestants are attempting to build a tower out of onions and only onions while making a moving speech.

The most moving speech will have 15cm added to the total height of their tower,

which at this point would put them all into first place, because Matt's tower was shit.

(LAUGHTER)

- Who are we gonna watch next, Paul? - It's Guy Montgomery and Urzila Carlson.

- Do you have a knife? - I think there's knives in the kitchen.

- Can you go get me one? - Um... - Or do I have to go and do it?

- I think you should go. - I think you should go.

- I think you should go. - But I think you should go. - I think you―

- I think you should. - OK.

- You like onions? - Not on their own.

- Well, I'm glad I was specific. Luckily for you, I'm a strong bitch.

- Look at that. - Double onion. - Unheard of.

You can keep that. I know you don't like onions by themselves.

- And I took my kids to Africa, cos, you know, that's where I'm from,

and they saw the giraffes, and my son said, 'It's so dirty.'

- There was this guy from Australia who'd entered the Winter Olympics ―

what a ridiculous choice of Olympics ― and he learnt how to ice skate. He was a laughingstock.

- Because the zoo giraffes, well, they get their butts wiped, don't they?

They're like the private school giraffes, (TEARFULLY) the flash ones. (SNIFFLES)

- No one gave this guy a snowball's chance in hell.

- (SNIFFLES) You know, (SIGHS) he's right; they're filthy.

- I am watering up over here.

- (SNIFFLES)

- Before you know it, this guy whose name I can't remember

was ice skating in the final of the Olympic Games.

- You don't want kids to see that.

- 12 seconds. - The top skater took out the next skater,

and then the next skater took out the next skater, and the guy, he fuckin' won against all odds.

- Zoos are better for animals. (WHISTLE TRILLS)

(WHISTLE TRILLS)

- Why'd you do that? - I didn't throw it at you; I threw it up.

- But why'd you knock the tower? - I didn't knock the tower. - What knocked― what fell?

- I think you blew the whistle too hard.

- Is that knife part of it? - No.

- I mean, if you're upset about it, imagine how I feel. It was my tower. - Well, sorry, if that was me.

- Well, don't feel bad about it; just don't do it again.

- It got stuck in there, and I wasn't strong enough to pull it out. - OK, hands away, please. No more.

Hands― Put the onion down. - I'm just going to put it down. - No, don't put it down.

- You said, 'Put the onion down.' - Put it down on the side, please. - I'm putting it down.

- No, on the side. - On it's side.

- No. Put the knife down, please.

Put the knife down, please.

(CHILLING MUSIC)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- So, am I missing something here?

Is building an onion tower much harder in practise than it is on paper,

because those are, so far, three shit onion towers.

- I think what you can't see is the buckets of snot and tears that just come out of you.

I should've stabbed Paul. That's my only regret. (LAUGHTER)

- Stay away from Paul. Steven Bradbury. That story about the ice skater, that is a true story ―

2002, Salt Lake City, the Winter Olympics.

- It's a great watch on YouTube. I got into it during lockdown last year.

- It's like a two-minute race. You got― watched the whole of lockdown― - I got into YouTube last year.

- Oh. (LAUGHTER)

- It's a great website. - Anyone can upload stuff. It's crazy.

It's a miracle TV shows are still happening. (LAUGHTER)

- So, in terms of heights,... - Yeah.

- ...Urzila was 15cm, and Guy was 16.6cm. - (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

- OK, whose towers are left? - They're the two youngest members of our cast,

but they're not the two youngest people in the world. It's Laura Daniel and David Correos.

So, what's the technique here? - My technique is to build a base and stack.

- BOTH: OK.

- When people work together, sometimes...

(THUD!) ...there's no support.

(ONIONS RUSTLE)

Shit!

(GROANS IN PAIN) OK. Agh! It hurts my eyes.

- There we go.

Is that― Is this getting somewhere?

- (GROANS)

Sometimes you need to just cut out all of the little...

(THUD!) ...imperfections about yourself,

so that you're more bearable for other people.

- There was a fish. The father had really strict rules for the fish. You feeling me?

- Mm-hm. - He got taken away. This is in Australia.

- In a way, I've spent my whole life compromising for people, and I find it tough,

and I cry. (CUTTING BOARD CLATTERS) I cry a lot.

- And the father, who was scared of going anywhere into the deep, found the courage,

because he loved his son so much.

- I have to shape myself to be what people want me to be.

- He eventually found his son, not without the help of Ellen DeGeneres.

I don't think there's anything more moving than the power of love. (PANTS)

- It seems a lot like the plot of Finding Nemo.

- Haven't seen it. - Oh.

- I fuckin' love onions.

- You've got 13 seconds. - No.

- I just want this to look really nice. - Nine seconds.

How do you think it's going?

(WHISTLE TRILLS) Get your arms off the tower, please.

When the time's up, I'm going to need you to let go. Three, two, one.

(WHISTLE TRILLS) (PANTS)

- (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

- (SOBS)

I tried so hard!

(LAUGHTER)

- Are you happy with that? - No. It's a pile of onions. I'm sorry.

- No, that's OK. - (CRIES)

- I'm crying. (WHIMPERS)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER)

- David, that whole speech was a sob story. You ended up in the bath crying in the onions,

and the saddest part about it was the bit that was left was a half-onion.

- Yes. (LAUGHTER)

- You're shitter than me!

- So Matt's tower was 7.4cm.

David's ― 5.2cm.

(LAUGHTER)

- Fuck! (SUCKS TEETH) (LAUGHTER)

- Laura, on the other hand, her piling technique, she actually leaps into the lead with 22cm.

- COMEDIANS: Wow. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- I am baffled by that. - Well, everyone else was very shit. (LAUGHTER)

- I did a very moving speech. There was― it was― it was a lot. - It was Nemo. Chill out.

- There was copyright issues on your speech.

- Yeah, even― One of the fish in your story was called Ellen DeGeneres.

(LAUGHTER)

- So, Urzila ― 15cm,

Guy ― 16.6cm,

and Laura ― 22cm.

- Ooh, OK. So whoever gets the 15cm will win.

- Essentially, unless it's David. He'll come second. (LAUGHTER)

- I found Guy's speech the most moving, and it wasn't a sob story, and it wasn't about―

- Neither was mine. - Oh, yours was about cleaning the arses of some giraffes.

(LAUGHTER)

- You may be the judge of this, but Judgement Day is coming for all of us.

(LAUGHTER)

- Guy, I'll give you the 15cm. - (DAVID GROANS) - Thank you.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Sorry, David. - (GRUNTS)

- One point for David, two points for Matt, three points for Urzila, four points for Laura,

and five points for Guy. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- I'd like to say well done, everyone, but I don't think that's quite applicable.

How are the scores looking, Paul? - In first equal, both with seven points, it's Guy and Laura.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Shall we jump into another task, Paul, straightaway?

- I've got the perfect task for right now. It was also the perfect task for right then,

and it's also the perfect task for right soon-to-be.

- Please, just play the task. - OK. Yes, sir.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

- Hello.

- Hello, Urzila. - We building a bomb, are we?

- All the information you need is in the task. - Here you go, Paul.

(BALLOON FARTS) Kidding. Heh!

- There's too many clocks.

- Is it timed? - Your time hasn't started yet.

- 'Time travel ― best time travel wins. You have 30 minutes.'

- 'Your time starts now.'

- I don't know. Has it been proven that time travel can actually happen?

- No.

Have you ever time-travelled before? - No, Paul. Have you?

(WHOOSH!)

- All the information you need is in the task.

- You're tasking us with the impossible. - Mm.

- A little bit? OK. - That's a negative way of looking at it.

(APPLAUSE)

- Although, Laura's not completely wrong. This is a particularly big task.

- I mean, I thought it was pretty straightforward,

or straight backward, depending on which way you were going to go. (LAUGHTER)

- I see what you've done there. Who's first, then? - It's time... for Matt and David.

- Oh no.

- Currently all I've come up with so far is just throwing one of these clocks.

- Can you explain that? - Well, then the time would be travelling through the air.

- I got you. - What if I made, like, some kind of catapult to fire it?

- A trebuchet? - Trebuchet?

Actually a trebuchet would be sort of a reference to Roman times.

So you time travel in terms of your technology.

- Yeah, so there's double time travel. - Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

- (GRUNTS, PANTS)

- Go through. OK. (PANTS)

- OK, so, Paul, you understand what's happening here, don't you? - Yeah.

- So I'm gonna fire the clock through the air, which is the time travelling,

and this is just to give it a ye olde sort of Roman aesthetic.

So I'm back in time, hence all this.

- From this point, I have time, and we're travelling. OK, let's go. Let's hop in the car.

(LAUGHTER)

- I feel unsafe in a tunic, eh? - Yeah, I don't feel safe, and I'm in normal clothes.

- We're, like, getting some distance, bro. This is so good.

Five,

four, three,

two, one. There. (WHISTLE TRILLS) Park up. Park up. Park up.

I was on time, and we travelled a good amount of distance.

(LAUGHTER)

- OK. - Sweet.

(HEROIC MUSIC)

- My name is Marcus Decimus Merilius, Commander of the Armies in the North,

General of the Felix Legions.

(LAUGHTER)

How much longer have we got? Husband to a murdered child, and I will have my vengeance.

- Thank you, David. - Thank you. Just go back home now? - Uh, yes, please.

- Can I― Can I get a ride with you? - OK. - Mean! Mean.

- Come on, burn.

All right. The clock is on fire.

On my signal!

(MUSIC SOARS)

(MUSIC STOPS)

(LAUGHTER)

It unleashed hell not on my signal.

But you gotta say, time did travel ― travelled all the way to here.

(LAUGHTER)

Yeah, I'm happy with that. - Thank you, Matt. - Thanks, Paul.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER)

- You've gotta say that H G Wells could've saved himself a lot of time

if he'd just chucked on a toga and then thrown a clock in the air. (LAUGHTER)

- No, I launched a clock using a trebuchet. - How far did he fire it?

- It was, uh, 9m and 10cm. - That's not bad. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

That was a good effort.

David, whereas you just sort of tied a clock to your back. You gaffer taped it,

and then you got Paul to just drive you in the car.

- Yeah, I went for as much travelling with time on me.

- So we drove 23.5km.

-Besttime travel, so it's not the furthest. It's the best. - Fuck.

(LAUGHTER)

- Plenty to come in the future.

Speaking of the future, you can jump in your time machine, or just sit through the ads.

We'll see you in a moment. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

*

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to Taskmaster, where five comedians are battling it out to win Richard Hadlee'scricket bat,

Suzy Cato's glasses and some guy off Trade Me's Snifters. (LAUGHTER)

Paul, what's happening? - Our contestants are attempting to transcend space and time.

So far, Matt has thrown a clock 9m, and David drove in a car for a bit. (LAUGHTER)

Laura is up next, and where she's going, shows don't need roads.

(EXCITING MUSIC)

- Paul, come on. - Where are we going?

- We're gonna go back to the future. Come on! - I don't know if you can say that.

- Oh, we're going to go to... the future. That's not trademarked. - Yeah.

- And neither is a Honda DeLorean. - I think Honda is.

- OK, well, a 'Hondorian.' - Isn't that a person from Hondora?

- Look, you're just― we gotta― we gotta go. - OK.

- OK. - OK? - Bring that iPad.

It concerns you and your kids. - Where in the future are we going? - Far into the future ―2022.

We've gotta get this to 42, and then we will be propelled into the future. Are we ready, Paul?

- Yes.

- One, two, three, go!

(ENGINE REVS)

Whoa! (YELLS)

(ELECTRICITY FIZZES, ROARS)

(DULL BOOM, WHOOSH!)

(SCREAMS)

(COUGHS)

Oh my God, the future!

I didn't think it could get worse... (PANTS) than 2020,

but it gets so much worse!

Imagine COVID but a lot of ants

as well as COVID. They come out your― (EXCLAIMS) Lava everywhere, lava.

This is next year. Recycle.

Save the planet.

- Thank you, Laura. - TEARFULLY: Thanks, Paul. I'm gonna call my mum!

- 'Like COVID but with lots of ants?' (LAUGHTER)

- Really bad. (CHUCKLES) - You'd think the lava would deal to the ants, wouldn't it?

- I thought one of the most remarkable things about that whole clip was that your car, Paul,

got up to 42 Ks an hour. (LAUGHTER)

Where are we off to next, Paul? - The year ― 1988; the place ― South Africa, I'm assuming. It was kind of hard to tell.

Here's Urzila Carlson.

- I could go back to, like, the '80s. - Yeah.

- Typewriter ― that's very '80s, isn't it? What else did I do in the '80s? I used to smoke.

Well, I could smoke inside. It's 1988, baby.

They're going to have to switch to film, actual film, none of this digital shit.

SPEAKS AFRIKAANS:

('80S ROCK MUSIC)

Oh, Paul!

- Hello. (TYPEWRITER CLACKS)

Sorry?

Thank you.

Sorry?

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER)

- Thank you, Urzila.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER)

- Do you wanna translate? I understand you were obviously back in South Africa.

- Yeah. - You're up in the Transvaal.

- Yeah, we're in study hall, in boarding school,

and I didn't tell Paul (LAUGHS) that we were going to '88 and I can't speak English,

so it was a big surprise, as you can see. (LAUGHS) I even smoked, and I haven't smoked in years.

I'm back to a pack a day because of this. (LAUGHTER)

- There is one of these fantastic videos left.

- There certainly is, and it's Guy Montgomery and his magical door.

(MILITANT MUSIC)

- Heya.

You Hitler?

- No. - What's that on your nametag?

- You made me wear that. - And you're writing it on your painting.

(GUN COCKS)

- I was in character. (GUNSHOT)

(LAUGHTER)

(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC)

- We got him.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER)

- So, you got Hitler. - Yeah, I killed Hitler.

- You killed Hitler before he could wreak havoc on the world in the 1930s and the 1940s.

- Yeah, nip it in the bud. - Should have killed him as a baby. You should have―

- I'm not going to kill a baby on TV! (LAUGHTER)

- You were quite a good Hitler. - Well, I don't want to hear that. (LAUGHTER)

- Let's score it. David ― clearly one. - (EXCLAIMS)

- Like 'W-O-N' or 'O-N-E?' (LAUGHTER)

- Urzila, two points for you. - Are you shitting me?

- Matt, your tunic and your Roman sandals are worth three.

Laura, I reckon your Back to the Future is worth four, and I think Guy killing Hitler is worthfive.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Very nice. Very entertaining.

- Load me up with another task, please, Paul.

- It's time for another team task, and this one sees the return of my beloved Hondorian.

(MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC)

- Hiya, Paul. - LAURA AND DAVID: Hi, Paul. - Hello, David. Hello, Laura.

- Hello. - Hello, Guy.

- Oh, car! - Ooh. - Ooh, uh, burnout.

Let's wreck this car.

- Lot of balloons in there. - Yes.

- Huge number.

- Hello. - What's in the balloon? - A task.

- Don't let it go.

- The task is inside, sorry.

- Are you sure we don't wanna just slam it in the door? - Hold the string. Hold the string.

Oh my God, it's a condom. - It's not.

- I'm not touching a condom. - Look at the flap on that. That's been in his wallet foryears.

- See, look, this is gonna be dramatic.

- Yep, I knew that wouldn't work.

(BALLOON HISSES SOFTLY)

- (BOTH LAUGH) (POP!) - Oh!

- (YELLS) That was really festive!

- 'Pack Paul's car with inflated objects from the caravan.'

- 'Most inflated objects in Paul's car wins.'

- 'You have seven minutes. Your time starts now.' OK.

- OK, we can do that.

(SIGHS) Let's not be messy.

- GUY: We need― yeah, you gonna get, like, a net or something? - Yes.

- Oh, shit! - Whoa, mine, mine, mine! (BALLOONS SQUEAK)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- You're obviously a big fan of balloons, so people have got to get the balloons into your cars.

- Very simple task ― get the balloons, put them in my car.

Obviously the windows were open, but my car keys were in my pocket. All you had to do wasask.

- How many balloons can the other guys fit in Paul's car?

It's important questions like these that will have to wait, because we're taking a break.

We'll see you in just a moment. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

*

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to Taskmaster,

the only show on television to play a fun balloon gameandkill Hitler in the same episode.

Paul, how's everything shaping up?

- We're about to watch a task where our teams are attempting to fill my car with balloons.

- Which team should we watch first? - Urzila and Matt.

- Are we just gonna go old school and just transport it?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, and then slam the door shut, I guess.

- Do they still have to be inflated when they get over there? - What does the task say?

- Can we pop them all and just bring popped ones over?

- All the information you need is in the task. - Oh, come on, Paul.

- I'll close the window. You start bringing balloons.

(LAUGHTER)

What are you doing? Put those in the front and block the driver's and the passenger window.

- Is it the biggest or the most? - The most. - Oh.

- (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) How much time?

- You've got three-and-a-half minutes. - Oh yeah.

(OBJECTS CLATTER)

(LAUGHTER)

- And if we do it together? - You've got 80 seconds. - Oh.

- There's quite a lot in there. - Yeah. Don't push too hard. (WHISTLE TRILLS)

- Hands off.

- We're happy. - Thank you, Matt. Thank you, Urzila.

- Thank you, Paul. - (BOTH PANT)

- Environmentally, I'm stressing out. - Yes.

- You could have helped, Paul. You could have put some in there for us.

- I'll pick up all the ones that have blown away. - Oh, OK.

(POP!) - (GRUNTS)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- So, uh, after doing that task, you guys said, 'Oh no, we're happy.'

- Yeah. Yeah. - Felt pretty with that.

- So total inflated objects ― 65. - That's not bad. - That's pretty...

(APPLAUSE) - That's all right, yeah. - That's bloody good.

- Up next ― they're the younger team, so they've had more recent experience with balloons.

It's Laura, David and Guy.

- Most of them had better not be helium.

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER)

- (COMEDIANS EXCLAIM)

(SNEAKY MUSIC)

- WHISPERS: Hello, Laura. - WHISPERS: Hello, Paul.

What do you want? - The task is in your locker.

- Ooh, sneaky. (PAPER RUSTLES)

'During the next task, stealthily sabotage your team. If your team loses, you win.

'If your team wins, you get no points. If your team accuses you of sabotage, you get no points.'

(WHIMPERS) But they're my friends.

Do they know to watch out for sabotage?

- WHISPERS: No, don't let them know. You want the points.

- But I... - They would do the same if they were in your shoes.

- Would they? - Yeah.

- I wouldn't say― I feel like David wouldn't. - OK, David wouldn't, but Guy would.

- Guy absolutely 100% would. He's every man for himself. - Yeah.

- OK, I should play the game. - BOTH: Thank you. - (GASPS)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - (URZILA GUFFAWS) - Well, well, well.

So, three friends.

Sabotage is afoot. - (LAUGHS)

- And what about that line from Laura saying that Guy would do the same thing, but not David?

- I think she's on the money. (LAUGHTER)

- Look at this gap that's appeared here. (LAUGHTER)

- Why are you giving me that look?! - I don't know, ma'am. (LAUGHTER)

- So shall we see how Laura goes sabotaging her team?

- Let's see how Laura goes sabotaging her team.

- You carry them like this and put them underneath here. - Oh, yeah.

- Are they not helium? - Some of them were. - OK, I'll get more stuff. (PANTS)

(LAUGHTER)

(POP!) - Why are some of these balloons being so hostile?

(POP!) - Oh, man! I'm so scared of popping! - How are we going for time?

- You've got four minutes and 24 seconds.

(TROLLEY RATTLES)

- Great move with the trolley. - Oh, these are electric. Are the keys in?

- In where? - 'In where?' Where else would I care about where the keys are?

- Uh...

- PANTS: OK, just wait. Here we go. (MUMBLES SOFTLY)

- Here, I'll stack.

(LAUGHTER)

- (GRUNTS) Helium.

Ow! Agh! - Oh, are you all good? Are you all right?

- Yeah, I think I rolled my ankle. - Oh no. - Oh my God.

(LAUGHTER)

- (ALL EXCLAIM)

- Yes! - (PANTS)

- Oh.

(LAUGHTER)

(WHISTLE TRILLS) - Stop. Drop the paddle pop.

How'd that go? - Not great. - BREATHLESSLY: It was tiring.

- Not bad. - How many inflated items do you guys think you got in there?

- Probably anywhere between 1 and 100.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER)

- Incredible that none of your team noticed that,

cos that is some of the worst balloon-putting-in-a-car I've ever seen.

- I genuinely thought you rolled your ankle!

- Did you not get frustrated, Guy, because you looked like you were doing a lot of work forthat―

- Yeah, I mean, that was just― you are a real fuckin' piece of work! (LAUGHTER)

- So how many balloons did these guys get in there with Laura sabotaging?

- The number to beat was 65 from the first team. Guy himself contributed 58,

and overall this team had 84. - (GRUNTS) Yes! Yes! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! (LAUGHTER)

- The rules dictate, Laura, that you don't get any points, because you didn't stop your team from winning.

Guy and David get five points each. - (EXHALES) (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- And you guys get two each ― two, five, zero.

- Laura, I-I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pulled the fingers at you.

- All right, we have one more task. This one is live. It's happening right here on our stage.

You do not want to miss this. We'll see you very, very soon. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

*

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to the final part of this week's Taskmaster.

We are devastatingly close to knowing who takes home a SEGA Master System II

and Matt Heath's old spotting knives, but first, Paul, I demand to know how the scoreboard'slooking.

- With quite a lead on 17 points, Guy Montgomery. (APPLAUSE)

- We're going to go up on to the stage now for our final task of the evening. Off you go, guys.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- All right, it's task-reading time, Paul.

Would you like to give it to the person with the best speaking voice to read the task, please?

- Matt Heath, clearly. (LAUGHTER)

- (CLEARS THROAT) 'Draw a life-size self-portrait.

'Your nose must be inside your nose-hole at all times. Most accurate self-portrait wins.

'You have 200 seconds. Your time starts when Paul blows his whistle.' (LAUGHTER)

- Yes, you're drawing yourself. Your nose must stay in. Artists, are you ready?

- URZILA: Mm-hm. - Only Urzila said yes. (WALL BANGS)

OK. (WHISTLE TRILLS)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(MARKERS SQUEAK)

- Oh no, I broke my pen. (LAUGHTER)

(MUMBLES, GRUNTS) (LAUGHTER)

- David, here's another pen.

(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)

(LAUGHTER)

- Oh, I broke another pen! - I don't have another pen. (LAUGHTER)

(WALL THUDS)

If you are struggling to reach the lower portion of your body, the pens do extend out longer.

- (GRUNTS) Paul! (LAUGHTER)

YELLS: This is nothing, Paul! (LAUGHTER)

- Please keep your nose in, David. - Yeah, it's in. (LAUGHTER)

- 50 seconds left ― one quarter of the time left. David's pen is very broken.

He's kind of carving at this point. 10 seconds. (APPLAUSE)

(WHISTLE TRILLS) Pens down. Stay blocking your picture, please.

Urzila, please step aside and reveal your portrait. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER)

- So this is, like, I'd say, 11.30 at the viaduct,

where only that part of the mouth still has lipstick on. (CHUCKLES) But even not being able to see,

I still nailed the tits, like... (LAUGHTER)

Lefty is a bit smaller than the other one. (LAUGHTER)

- Matt, please step aside and reveal your portrait. - (EXHALES)

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

I think that's really good. It looks just like me.

- You've got tits! - Yeah, I don't know how that happened.

- What was that meant to be? - Pecs. (LAUGHTER)

- You've got three fingers, and no fingers on the other hand. - Yep

Looks like a five-pointer to me. (LAUGHTER)

- Go on, Laura.

- (EXCLAIMS) (APPLAUSE)

- This is me at my goal weight. (LAUGHTER)

- You've lost half of you down the bottom there. - Exactly.

(LAUGHTER)

- Guy Montgomery.

- Huh. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER)

Traditional Guy Montgomery head there, and that traditional, sort of, strong right arm,

and then over here, this is― that's my little hand. (LAUGHTER)

It says, 'My name is Guy Montgomery, and anyone who tells you otherwise is a liar.'

Obviously this looks like a lot of vanilla white guys. Just something to distinguish myself.

That went pretty badly. (LAUGHTER)

- Speaking of badly, David. (LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- So David did break his pen and then break the backup pen. (LAUGHTER)

- I reckon this part here ― fuckin' accurate. Don't know why I've drawn my fingers like curly hair, but...

Oh, what's that? You don't know who it is? I've written my name, carved my name.

- His name is famously... (GERMAN ACCENT) Dach. (LAUGHTER)

- OK, come on down and let's judge them, eh? (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Welcome back, everyone. I personally thought you were pretty good, Urzila.

- Thank you. Thanks, Taskmaster. - And you've been pretty rubbish all show,

but I think five points for you. - Yeah! (APPLAUSE)

- I like the fact you did it nude. - Yeah. - Four points for you, Matt.

- Yes! (APPLAUSE) - Three for you, Laura.

Two for you, Guy, and not surprisingly, just one for you. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- So that's one point for David, two points for Guy, three points for Laura, four points for Matt,

and five points for Urzila Carlson. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- So how does that affect our overall series' scores?

- Out in front on 132 points is Laura Daniel. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- What about the episode tonight, Paul?

- A dominant performance with 19 points, the winner of episode eight ― Guy Montgomery.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Well done, Guy. I couldn't imagine a better person to drown themselves in 15-year-old Snifters.

Get up there on stage. Enjoy the experience. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

We've truly seen it all across this hour of television. We've travelled through time, travelled a clock

and put some balloons in a car that wasn't travelling at all.

We've also found a worthy winner in the form of Guy Montgomery! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

As for the rest of you, thanks very much for your company. We'll see you all next week. Night-night.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

('TASKMASTER' THEME)

(CROWD ROARS) - Pretty good.

- # It's the musical episode. #

(OUT OF TUNE GUITAR PLAYS) - # Paul, Paul, I love you. #

- I told you this last series ― we're not gonna do a musical episode.

- Leave me alone, Paul. (LAUGHTER)