All language subtitles for Taskmaster (NZ) - s02e07 - Completing the Set

*

(WHEEL CLICKS)

('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)

- (SNORTS)

- (BLUBBERS LIPS)

- (GASPS)

(KEYS CLACK)

(CLUNK!)

(SPLASH!)

(THUD!)

(KEYS CLACK)

- (GROANS)

(POP!)

I'm peeing in the water.

- Whoo-hoo!

- Gotta be faster than that!

- Ta-da!

(KEYS CLACK)

- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

(SPLASH!)

(WHEEL CLICKS)

- (EXHALES)

(CLUNK!)

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Copyright Able 2021

(DING!)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Well, kia ora koutou.
Welcome friends and whanau
and also other people

to the seventh episode of the second
series of Taskmaster New Zealand.

My name is Jeremy Wells,

and for all intents and purposes
of this particular show, I am the
Taskmaster.

For many months, I have been giving
five renowned entertainers the
chance to entertainme

by performing a series of elaborate
tasks. Tonight I decide who is the
best at doing them,

and then once it's all over in three
short weeks, we crown our season two
champion.

Our contestants, as they are
every week, David Correos,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...Guy Montgomery,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...Laura Daniel,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...Matt Heath...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...and Urzila Carlson.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

And by my side, the man who holds
an iPad like the Statue of Liberty
holds her torch.

(LAUGHTER)
It's Paul Anthony Alan Williams.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- I... I feel a little weird this
week, Jeremy. I've got a bad case
of imposter syndrome.

I think it all began when
I forged those documents

and moved to New Zealand and assumed
the identity of Paul Williams.
(LAUGHTER)

- When did that happen?
- Like, the late '90s, yeah.
I was very young.

Look, don't make me feel bad about
it. I've got imposter syndrome.
(LAUGHTER)

- Paul, I would very much like you
to introduce the first prize task,
please.

- OK. This week,
our contestants have brought
along the biggest bargain.

And whoever has brought in the
biggest bargain will get five
points.

Whoever has the most points at the
end of the episode will take home
all five big bargains.

- Let's start with Guy Montgomery.
- I came across a bottle opener,
and it was a steal at only $120.

(LAUGHTER)

Obviously, that sounds like quite
a lot for a bottle opener, but I've
seen them go for as much as 130.

(LAUGHTER)

- And does it open bottles?
- Not brilliantly.
(LAUGHTER)

I think because the soul of the
person who's trapped in the bottle
opener hates his job somuch.

(LAUGHTER)

- Laura, what did you bring in?

- I took NZ$20, and in exchange,
I bought $50 billion Zimbabwean.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Yeah.

Whoever is holding on to this
beautiful note is going to be
an instant billionaire.

- It's worth about 32c.
(LAUGHTER)

- Who's up next? Urzila.
- Yes. I can't go into
too much detail.

Let's just say I had access
to where they would make the
Briscoes staff cards,

and I, uh, made one.
(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)
- Wow.

- This is the Briscoes lady's card.
- So, is that a discount
on the discount?

- Yes, so you get, say, the 50%
discount, but with the Briscoes
lady's card,

by the time you get to the checkout,
they're giving you some dollars.
(LAUGHTER)

You don't even pay. They're giving
you the products and just bags and
bags of dollars

and send you on your way.
(LAUGHTER)

- David.
- (EXHALES) So, what
I've got is $50 for 50c.

(LAUGHTER)

If you win, pay me 50c ―
I'll give you 50 bucks.

- Mate, if you win, we just get
$50, and you take the label off,
cos who's gonna sell $50 for50c?

- Oh, fuck.
(LAUGHTER)

- Matt, what did you bring in?

- A lot of people won't know this,
but in 2004, I was in a band called
Deja Voodoo,

and we released a top 20 album
called 'Brown Sabbath'.
- (GASPS)

- It was a huge success.
(LAUGHTER)

In 2006, we followed
that up with another top 20
album called 'Back in Brown'.

In 2008, we followed it up with
an album that no one bought,

and here's 200 copies of that.
(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

It's called 'The Shape of Grunge
to Come', and it turns out if your
album doesn't sell verywell,

one day, a courier turns up with
hundreds and hundreds of copies.

That's just 200 of them. I've got
about 2000 of them in my attic.
- URZILA: Wow.

- We do have some exclusive audio
from the album. Would you like to
hear that?

- Oh, fantastic.
- LAURA: Yes.
- OK.

(GRUNGY, RASPY ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)
- # Found me asleep in front of
the TV again.

# Fuck the neighbours;
we don't care.

# Give us our TV and beer... #

- Can't see why it didn't sell (!)
- Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)

- It's not a failure to everyone, to
be fair, cos I once met a painter.

He was a huge fan of Deja Voodoo,
and I said, 'Oh, what did you like
particularly?'

And he said, 'My favourite album
was "The Shape of Grunge to Come",

and I said, 'You're
the first person I've ever
met that's ever said that.'

And then he said, 'Yeah, it got
stuck in my CD player in my car,

'and it was all I could
listen to for six years.'
(LAUGHTER)

He said, 'I grew to love it.'
- That's what it takes.

- Yeah, Stockholm Syndrome.
- URZILA: Yeah! (LAUGHS)
- It's a grower.

- It's probably time to score.

I think that Guy, clearly,
your bottle opener is―
- What?

- Well, you paid 100-and-whatever-
you-paid for it, so...

- Some of those were
up to $130, $140.
(LAUGHTER)

- One point.

Matt, I think even giving away
those albums is a terrible thing,
so I reckon you get two points.

- Yeah, in a way, you'd be helping
me out. It's kind of like putting
out the rubbish.

(LAUGHTER)

- David, I'll give you three
points. I thought you could
be more generous.

I mean, you could've
given 10c for, say, $100.

- Oh, yeah, cos I don't have $100!
(LAUGHTER)

- Four points for Urzila
with her Briscoes card.
A bargain on bargains.

- That was good.
- Yeah.

- And that leaves Laura with
five points, cos I reckon that
Zimbabwean economy ―

I hear rumours that it's
gonna bounce back real soon.
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Now for the biggest bargain
of them all ― an episode full of
tasks on free-to-air television.

Would you like to watch one?
- I would love to.

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

- Hello, Paul.
- Hello, David.

- Hello, Paul.

- (GASPS)

- Ooh!

- Ooh!

Sexy.

- Little man.

- Me or him?
- Him.
- Him. OK.

- Wedding!

- Congrats.

- All right. Exciting.

- Oh!

- Ooh. (READS) 'Construct the
least appropriate wedding cake.'

- 'You have 45 minutes.
Your time starts now.'

- I have nothing.

- I'm not a big fan
of thinking too much.
- OK.

- It kinda starts to hurt.

- Can I get some sponge cake?
- There might be
some in the kitchen.

- OK, cool. Cool, cool, cool.

- Wedding cakes, they often
take days. Did you know that?
- No.

- Mm.
- Well, you've got 43 minutes.
- Shit. OK.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- MATT: Oh, this one.

- What would you consider
an inappropriate wedding cake, Paul?

- Red velvet.
(LAUGHTER)

Every other cake flavour,
you know what that is.

Chocolate ― I've eaten that before.
- Yeah.

- Red velvet ― you've taken
a colour and a fabric.
(LAUGHTER)

- Who's up first?
- Here's the classic pairing
of Matt and Urzila.

- It is pretty inappropriate
if you can't eat the cake.

So, like, a layer of soap,
then mud, soap, mud, this.

- So it balances out.
- Yeah.

- Forgot the red food colouring.

- Do you want me to go get it?
- Could you be a doll?

- OK.
- Thank you.

I probably won't even need the
other food colouring, but how good
is it not to have Paul inthe room?

Just have a little bit
of a breather. You know?

(LAUGHTER)

- Oh, that stinks.

That's good mud.

Oh, it's really... (LAUGHS)

You... Are you positive that
that's not... a sewage duct
down there or...?

(LAUGHTER)

- (EXHALES)

It might be sewage.
- Yeah.

If you're tasked with making
a cake for someone's wedding,

and you turn up with two buckets
of sewage and some cardboard,

(CHUCKLES) then it's
pretty inappropriate.

- So, do you have a plan here?
- I sure do.

Can you not see it yet?
- Not yet.

- What comes after
you get married, Paul?
- Honeymoon.

- What does the honeymoon cause?
- Arguments.

- Yes. And then?

Children.
- Oh.

- For the longest time in your life,
you just clean up yourself.

Then what I noticed when
I had kids is I was spending
a lot of time cleaning them up.

- Right.

- What does marriage lead to?

LAUGHS: This kinda shit right here.
That's what it leads to.

- I present to you
inappropriate cake.

You've got a ring of shit ―
basically like a toilet bowl.

And then you've got the solid 'hey,
I don't have a lot of fibre, but
when I do, I havea lotof fibre.'

(LAUGHTER)

- Poos. The red on it is just the
pressure as comes through, rippin'
and tearing.

- OK. Thank you, Urzila.

- Well, do you want
the explanation or not?
- Uh, that's enough explanation.

Thank you, Matt.
- Thank you, Paul.

- You get an ointment
that you can just, like―
- Yep. OK.

- You get right in there, then it
can be solved, like, within a day
or two.

If you have short fingers,
you have to ask your neighbour.
- Thank you, Urzila.

- Cos I've got really short fingers,
but my neighbour Gary, he can get in
there. Whoo!

(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- There's not much that
brings me more joy than Urzila,
your advances on Paul,

and then Paul being
disgusted by you.

There's some real romance developing
between you two, isn't there?

- Yeah. You can see
he tries to fight it,

and then when he starts to embrace
it, then I'm repulsed by him, and
then― It's very 'Days ofOur Lives'.

(LAUGHTER)
Yeah.

- Matt, what did you mean
with the toilet rolls?

The toilet rolls represented
how you'd have to wipe your
baby's bottom―?

- I named the cake 'The Truth',
because there's all this great
day on your wedding,

but that leads to children, which
lead to, basically, a lot of shit
and a lot of wiping arses.

- Plenty more wedding cakes to come
right after a nice big slice of
advertising.

We'll see you in a jiffy.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

*

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back one and all to
Taskmaster. In true Shortland
Street fashion,

we were having a
special wedding episode, then
we left you on a cliffhanger.

Paul, give them a 'previous on'.

- We've asked our contestants
to make the most inappropriate
wedding cake in 45 minutes.

Urzila made sewage out of a cake,
and Matt make cake out of sewage.
(LAUGHTER)

- Right. Who are we watching next?
- It's the three friends,
Laura, Guy and David.

- I'm going to make this cake
inedible and terrible.

- What's the jam for?
- Just taste. I don't want the cake
to be a complete piece of shit.

- Right.
- Yeah. I've still got pride.

- Any guesses?
- Tree?

- Could be a tree.

- Have you seen
a brown wedding cake?
- Not at any weddings I've been to.

- You ever had one with full
umami flavour? (SMACKS LIPS)
Ooh, savoury. Well...

This doesn't seem appropriate,
does it?

(SQUELCHING)

(LAUGHTER)

(AIR HISSES)

(AIR HISSES)
- Aah!

- Sorry.

- # Cream party!

# Cos we're creaming it tonight.

# Creaming it tonight.

# We're gonna have
a big cream party. #

- Any guesses?

(LAUGHTER)

- A tall person on a bike.
- Sweet Paul.

- I had an idea...
- OK.

- ...about how to make this
cake really inappropriate.
- OK.

- Have you seen American Pie?

(LAUGHTER)

- No.

- How would you feel if...

we turned all the cameras off,
and you American Pie'd the cake?

(LAUGHTER)

- I don't know what that means.
I think I can guess.

And I'm not that keen.

(LAUGHTER)

- Any takers from the cameramen?
- Don't ask them.

- OK.
- Cos one of themwilldo it.

(LAUGHTER)

So, what's this hole?
- Chilli.

- It's kind of a lava cake.
- Yeah, in a way.

- READS: Sorry.
- Yeah.

Our groom has left
the bride at the altar.

He ran off with her maid of honour,
and he's left her this cake.

And he said sorry, which is polite,
but it's inappropriate, because this
cake is covered in what, Paul?

- Cream?

- She's lactose intolerant.

(LAUGHTER)

- What does the cake say?

- (CHUCKLES)

It says, 'I fucked your dad.'

(LAUGHTER)

That'd be a devastating cake
to see on your wedding day,

especially
if you didn't suspect anything.
You'd be absolutely blindsided.

You don't cut the cake till after
the ceremony's done. They're bound
by law.

- What's it say?
- Syphilis. (LAUGHS)

- Why's it say 'syphilis'?
- Cos I wouldn't wanna see the
word 'syphilis' at my wedding.

(LAUGHTER)

- Remember that movie
we were talking about? The cake,
I don't want it to go to waste.

- OK.

- I'm just gonna leave the room.
I'm gonna leave the room, cameraman.
I'm gonna turn the lights off.

- (SLURPS)

Finished.
- Want me to stop the clock?
- No, sorry, I was quoting your dad.

(LAUGHTER)

- I think I caused more
damage than I did good.

- On.

- I didn't move.

I stood here the whole time.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul.
I think I know an American Pie-ing
when I see one.

- You've got a thick dick, Paul.
(LAUGHTER)

There was some circumference
on there, bro.

- How did it taste?

- Genuinely the most delicious
of the cakes by far was Laura.
Obviously, I ate around the hole.

(LAUGHTER)

Let's talk about David's cake,
which was filled with soy sauce and
an entire jar of chillipowder.

- Yeah, so your cake ―
was that a reveal cake?
Like a, 'Hey, I've got syphilis.'

- Yeah. And I also wanted to confuse
people because they're like,
'Ooh, this is a nice Asian meal.'

(LAUGHTER)

- Guy, with your cake,
what did it say exactly?
- 'I fucked your dad'.

- In Palmerston North,
you call that completing the set.
- URZILA: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- Jeremy, how do we
wanna score this?

- I wanna give Urzila the
least points only because I had anal
fissure once, and that tookme back.

So I'm gonna give you two points,
only cos that was a bad memory.

Laura, Guy and David
all deserve three points.

And I think Matt with that
horrific cake with the toilet paper

and what may have been faecal matter
and actual sewage.

- I think we can pretty much
say it was faecal matter.

- Legally, it's not.
- Yeah, legally, it's not.
(LAUGHTER)

- I think you deserve the
five points, so congratulations.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

How are we going so far for
this particular episode?

- It's close, but out in front
with eight points, Laura Daniel.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

- I'm ready for another task, Paul.
Where are we headed to next?

- We are headed to the caravan.

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

Hello, Laura.
- Hello, Paul.

- My, my, my, what
a lovely day for it.

- Do I go in there?
- Yes, please.
- All right.

- Right.

- (EXHALES)

(PANTS)

- Ooh.

Shut me in.

- CHUCKLES: I don't like that.
I don't like that at all.

- A lock-in?

READS: 'Eat the grape.'

- 'You cannot damage the caravan.'

- 'Fastest wins.
Your time starts now.'

- (GASPS)

The grape!

I'm locked in here, aren't I?

- Oh no!

- Why did you shut that door? Oh!

You locked me in.
- Yes.

- That's really nasty, man.
- Sorry.

- Is the grape definitely
in the caravan?

- Where's the grape?

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- I didn't know where the grape was.
- LAUGHS: I didn't know
where the grape was either!

- All right, Paul, everybody is
locked inside of the caravan. Let's
say some people try and do it, eh?

- These two famously hate other.
It's Guy and Laura.

(LAUGHTER)

- Clues.

There's clues.

- The grape must be in here.

- Oh. There's a code.

- Padlocks abound.

- Not in there.

(JINGLING)
Money!

(CLATTERING)
- Am I gonna have to use my
fucking wits for this? I hate that!

- $9.90.

- What the...? Do I have to guess
the code on this padlock?

Oh, there's the grape.

- Oh!

It's outside on big balloons, baby.

(DAVID GROANS LOUDLY)

- # Where can the clues be?

# Oh, where can the keys be?

# I'm Guy Montgomery.

# I'm losing my mind. #

- (LAUGHS)

Got the keys. I got the keys.
I got the keys.

- What's your birthday?
- The 7th of August 1992.

- What's Jeremy's birthday?
- The 7th of June 1977.

(LAUGHTER)

- (LAUGHS)

- Sorry to those books.

- Wow!

A mini task!

- I like it when things are little.

- Oh my God. This is like
doing an escape room.

- READS: 'You're doing great.'

- 'Ask Paul for a clue.'

Can I have a clue, Paul?
- Colder.

- Colder.

- Oh.

The fridge.

(GASPS) Oh my God!

Wow!

- Incredible.

- A thermos...

of hot water!

Wow!

Melt, baby, melt.

(DAVID GROANS LOUDLY)

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh
my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my
God. Oh my God oh my God. Oh my God.

Boy, I'm street-smart.
Oh my God. A burner phone.

- ON PHONE: Hello. You've
reached Paul's Key Emporium.

I'm actually out of town right now
on a work call, but that's not gonna
stop our crazy keysale.

House keys, car keys,
caravan padlock keys.

- (GASPS)
- You name it ― all just $10.

- I can buy a key.

I can buy a key! I can buy a key!

Paul.
- Yes.

- Can I buy a key?
- I sell keys, yeah.

- I've only got 9.90, though.
- They cost $10.

- Usually, stuff always
falls down between the couch.

Ahh!

Wa-hoo!

- DAVID: No!

No! No!

- I got $10.

- One key, please.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.
People's lives are at stake here.

Ah. Ahh! (SQUEALS)

(EXCLAIMS, LAUGHS)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

I feel like the hamster
that got the grape.

- Is that a saying?

- You absolute fuck.

(LAUGHTER)

- Thank you, Guy.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- You genuinely seemed
to love that, Laura.

- Honestly, I'd pay to do that.
(LAUGHTER)

- You would be the perfect hostage.
'You can't leave. You're locked in
here.' 'Yes!'

(LAUGHTER)

- It's a big puzzle!
- Yeah. I mean, that was impressi―

How quick was Laura?
- Guy ― 32 minutes and one second.

But Laura, she nearly halved that ―
16 minutes and six seconds.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Good job. That was incredible.

- We're gonna lock our studio
audience in this large,
air-conditioned studio

while we take a quick break. We'll
see you for more grape escapes very
shortly.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

*

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to Taskmaster,

where five comedians are locked in
a battle to take home a cash prize
of $50 billion

from Zimbabwe.
(LAUGHTER)

Paul Williams, just what in
the world is happening right now?

- Right now,
the task is to eat a grape,

but the grape is outside the
caravan, and they are inside
the caravan.

- Whose efforts are we
gonna watch next, Paul?

- We love to pair these two
together. They are, after all,
real-life best friends.

Here's Urzila Carlson
and Matt Heath.

- Now, where would
someone put a grape?

(JINGLING)

There's nothing in this pig.

- WHISPERS: Taking the money.
Not my fault they leave money
with a South African.

- Have you got any clues, Paul?
- About what?
- Where the grape is.

- It's just on the plate.
- On the plate?
- Yeah.

- What plate?

- Ooh, more money.

- The grape is on the plate.

The grape is on the plate.

- There's a lock thing on here.
- OK.

- What's the code?
- I'm― I'm not supposed to tell you.

- Oh!

It's been out there all along.
- Yes.

- I really haven't understood this,
have I?

- Can I bribe ya?
- Just for a code?
- Yeah.

- OK.
- OK.

(CLUNK!)
- Ow!

What's 'grape' in numbers?

- 10 bucks. What's the code?
- 1977.

- I'm feeling humiliated here.

- Why did it take you
so long to see the grape?

- Cos I wasn't looking
out the window.
- Right.

(LAUGHTER)

- Ah!

- Oh!

I didn't learn from my first lesson
of not looking out windows, did I?
- No.

- Yes! I'm in the cupboard, Paul.
Keys!

I'm in the fridge, Paul.

- I found an ice block
with a screwdriver in it.

- I feel like
I'm making progress here.

- ON PHONE: Hello.

- What am I supposed to open with?

Oh, yes.

- 10 bucks.

- This is $9.90.
- Oh man. That's rough.

Where would 10c be?

- I already gave you the 10 bucks.
Give me the bloody key.

- You gave me $10
for a four-digit code.

- You bastard.

- Come on, 10c.

(LAUGHTER)

- Do you take credit?
- I take credit.

That's yours.
- Thank you.

- I've looked down the back of this
couch about 20 times and found no...

Goddammit.

- OK.

- Oh my God.

Oh my... Oh my God.

(LAUGHS) Goddammit.

Have I finished?
- Finished what?

- Oh, I've gotta eat the grape!

(LAUGHTER)

- I've stopped the clock.

- That was rough, Paul.
That was rough.

- Thank you, Matt.
- Thanks, Paul.

- Well done. Well done.
You did it in the end.

It must have been a reasonably
frustrating experience.

- That was a nightmare, actually.
That was one of the worse...
five hours of my life.

- (LAUGHS LOUDLY)
(LAUGHTER)

- Why are you laughing?
- I didn't spend
five hours in there.

I just bought my way out of it.
(LAUGHTER)

- I didn't know 10c were that
colour. I thought they were silver.
(LAUGHTER)

- Someone's doing
well for themselves.
(LAUGHTER)

- Matt was actually― He wasn't going
too bad until he needed the 10c.

To find the 10c,
it took him 26 minutes.
- AUDIENCE: Ooh!

- So, Urzila, she was 29.59,
which puts her into second place.

- LAURA: Ooh, wow.
- Wow.
- And Matt was 47.54,

which is currently the longest
anyone's taken to do any task
this season.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
The record, yes.

- I feel like it would be rude not
to notice that David's had his head
in his hands

the entire time this
conversation has been happening.

- So, 16 minutes and six seconds
is the time to beat.
Here's David Correos.

- Mm.

Why are you in here?

What's in this one?
(CLATTERING)

Ooh. Ooh, what's that?
What's that? Nothing.

Why is this hot?

- What are you trying?
- Random numbers.

'Tesmasmat.'

- 'Ramtest'.
- 'Ramtest'. Like a computer.

I assume the grape's outside, right?
The grape's right there.

I only just noticed that
that grape was there.

(LAUGHTER)

- Really seems like you've
looked everywhere in there.
- Yeah.

(THUD!)
Shit!

Where would I find a code?
Am I looking too small?

(LAUGHTER)

I'm supposed to stay in here,
aren't I?

I'm supposed to stay in here.

There is no grape. There's no reason
for me to get out of the caravan.
I'm supposed to be in here.

The grape is somewhere in the
caravan. That's a fake grape.

That's a fake grape that
I'm not supposed to get.

It shouldn't be this hard.
It's somewhere in front of me.
- Just gotta think outside thebox.

- I can't think outside the box.
I literally have to go by the rules
you've given me.

Everyone in the studio's gonna be
like, '(TITTERS) He's so stupid.
David's so stupid.'

- You're back to pulling books
through that little gap?
- Yeah.

- Oh!
- (LAUGHS)
(APPLAUSE)

Paul, can I have a clue?
- Colder.

- Oh! I was supposed to use
the hot water, wasn't I?

Paul, is that your key company?
- I sell keys.

- I got 10 bucks. You actually suck.
(LAUGHS)

Fuck! Where's the―? (GROANS)

(LAUGHTER)

9.90.
- They're $10, sorry.

- No! Where's the 10c?

Where's the―? No!

I have internet banking.

Get me my phone. Get me my phone.
If you give me a bank number,
I will transfer you the money.

- OK.
- Please?

Here's this.
- You'll transfer me the 10c?

- I'll transfer you the 10c. Give me
your bank details, and I'll give it
to you.

I was gonna bring 20 bucks today
to buy pie!

(LAUGHTER)

This is so frustrating!

Pass me the phone.
What's your bank details?

Come on. Load, Kiwibank. Come on.

OK, here we go. Have a check now.
- It's there.
- (STRAINS)

- Pleasure doing business with you.

- (GROWLS IN EXASPERATION)

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- 16 minutes and six seconds
was the time to beat.

It took David 19 minutes
to spot the grape.
(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

- (GROANS IN FRUSTRATION)

- David's overall time
was one hour and 23 minutes.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- MATT: Poor bastard.
- LAURA: I'm so sorry.

- It's an incredibly
cruel irony that David wasn't
allowed to damage the caravan,

but it seems the caravan
has permanently damaged you.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- What are the final scored?
- Sadly, one point for David,
two points for Matt,...

- Yes!
- ...three points for Guy,
four points for Urzila,

and, of course,
five points for Laura Daniel.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Great job, Laura.

- Shall we do another task?
- Sure thing, Jeremy Wells.

Put the kettle on, because it's tea
time, and the 'T' stands for 'task'.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

- SING-SONGY:
What have you got planned?

- Oh, gidday, Paul.
- Hello, Matt.

- Good, thanks, mate.
- I didn't ask.

- What?

- How are you?
- Good, thank you.

- Fairly precarious.
- Yep.

- What's the tea?
- What's the tea?

- It's, like, a phrase we use.

- All right. Here we go.
(CLEARS THROAT)

- READS: 'Make the most
extreme cup of tea...'

- '...and serve it to Paul.'

- 'You have 30 minutes
to prepare your tea.'

- 'Your time starts now.'

- Why is everything extreme, Paul?
What's wrong with just a normal cup
of bloody tea?

- It's a bit boring.

- What's extreme?
- It's up to you.

- We don't have a bungee
here or anything.

- If you're worried for my safety,
would you consider that extreme?
- Probably.

- I'm gonna need about 40 chillies
and a gumboot.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Lots of definitions of extreme
being bandied about there, Paul.
How would you make an extreme tea?

- Maybe instead of six sugars,
I'd only have five.
(LAUGHTER)

- Let's be glad you're
not a contestant, Paul,

and let's watch some extreme teas
right after this extremely short
break.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

*

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to Taskmaster.
It's the fourth part of the seventh
episode of the second series,

and a box of unsold Deja Voodoo
albums is at stake. Right now,
we're making extreme teas.

Is that right, Paul?
- That is correct.
Up first, it's Urzila Carlson.

- Do you want a snack with
your tea too or just the...?
- A snack would be nice.

- This is gonna be good.

In a pandemic, you want something
that'll really blow the cold right
out of you,

so it's important to...

go hot.

Oh!

That's gonna blow
your ring right out.

(LAUGHTER)

Oh! Stop it.

Who am I? This is great.

Paul.
- Yes.

- Go sit.

Gidday, Paul.
- Hello.

- Now, I know...

what it's like to mess on yourself,
so there you go.

Oh, look at that beautiful colour.

(LAUGHTER)

- (SLURPS)

- How's that?
- Very hot.

- Yeah?
- Mm.

- Can you feel the flu in you?
- No.

- It works.
- I-I couldn't feel the flu in me
before drinking it, though, as well.

(GURGLES)
- Is that your...

- I don't know what that was. Yeah.
- ...actual throat burning out?
(LAUGHS)

- (CHUCKLES)

- (SNORTS)

I'm worried for you.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Where did that noise come from
exactly? It seemed to come from
the oesophagus region.

- It came from deep down.
I don't know.
(LAUGHTER)

- It was your asshole preparing.
(LAUGHTER)

Your asshole was stacking ice.
(LAUGHTER)

- Who's serving up
our next cup of tea?

- We've got two teas ― one from
David, and one from Matt, spelt
with two T's.

- Got any ideas?
- Mm-mm.

- OK. Can I―? Can I grab this?

OK. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
OK. OK. Where do I go to get rope?

- There's a lot of pressure on me to
do something less shit than some of
the other stuff I've been doing.

You know what I mean?
- Right.

- You feel that as well?
- Uh... I won't comment on that.
- Right.

- This is extreme, eh?

- Yeah.

- I got nothing.

- What's the plan?
- Tie this rope around my ankles,
and then hang from there like abat

and make you a tea
hanging like a bat.

- I just can't get
bungee jumping out of my head.
- Yeah, right.

- Would I be bungee jumping
or you be bungee jumping?
- I assumed the teabag, but...

- Oh!

(LAUGHTER)

- OK, yeah, that's strong, eh?
That's strong. You're strong.

- You know when you have
an idea that's just so bad

that you know before
you start it that it's a
waste of everyone's time?

(LAUGHTER)

- Not really.
- No. You probably don't.
I experience it a lot.

(LAUGHTER)

- Thanks, bro.
You're doing a good job, bro.

(LAUGHTER)

Yes.

(LAUGHTER)

Hi, Paul.
Would you like a cup of tea?

- Uh, ye-yes, please, David.

(LAUGHTER)

- Here's a cup of tea, mate.

(LAUGHTER)

- Thanks, David.
- Enjoy.

- Thank you.
- Have a good one.

Ooh, that was tough.

- Three, two, one.

Bungee.

(LAUGHTER)

Shit.

Bungee!

Goddammit!

WHISPERS: Shit.

Three, two one.

Bungee!

There you go, mate. There's a
cup of tea for you over there.

How's it?
- It's not bad.

- Can we cut it so, um, it just
goes straight in the first time
I drop it?

- Yup.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

- Yeah, if that bungee operation
was actually real, you would have
some real problems with OSH.

It was more like sort of
a teabag on a rope...
- Yeah.

- ...being dropped off a
balcony rather than a bungee.
There was no bounce in it.

- Well, that was Paul's idea.
- Don't blame me for this.
(LAUGHTER)

- You don't have to do Paul's ideas.
- Yeah, but I didn't
have any of my own.

(LAUGHTER)

- David, your idea was actually less
about bungeeing even though you
looked like you were gonna bungee.

You were a tea bat.

- A tea bat!
- I felt like a prize tuna.
(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

- Have you got more tea on the way,
Paul?

- Here's some X Games-worthy teas
from Laura and Guy.

- What's your favourite type of tea?
- Iced peach.

- Oh, OK.

- I'm gonna make something that's
extremely sweet... for a start.

- We could go with a spicy tea.
So it's gonna be hot and cold ―
the two extremes.

- So, these are the constituent
parts for a cup of tea.

Could you please carry
this stool for me?
- OK.

(LAUGHTER)

- Maybe just blend some ice.
That could be good, eh?
(BLENDER WHIRRS)

(BLENDER WHIRRS)

That's not really working.

- You got 22 minutes and 12 seconds.
- Thanks, Paul. You've got...

a place in my heart.

(LAUGHTER)

I'm buildin' somethin' here.

- Extreme delivery. OK, I'm gonna
need you to go outside to the shed.
There's a bike outthere.

I need you to put a helmet on.
I need you to ride the bike down
to just below this deck here.

- OK.

We pick up the piping hot kettle,
on the move, always moving.

- Go, Paul. Go, go, go.

Did any get in the cup?
- A lot went on my arm.

- Around the trampoline,
on to the gravel. Off-roading.

Back on to the tarmac,
into the 'do not enter' zone.

Slowing down but still moving.

Water in the teapot.

- OK, try another pass.
Yeah, I'll pour a steady stream.

You go for it. Oh! Oh!

Come back again.

(LAUGHTER)

Hey, Paul, this time,
pause where that puddle is.

Ooh, ooh, ooh. Yeah.

Yeah, that's it. That's it.

- Oh no.

There's a huge amount
of candy in there,

which is acting as some sort
of barrier for the liquid to
get out of the spout.

- All right. Giz it a sip.

- Should I be biking or stationary?
- Biking, please.
- OK.

- I'm gonna need you
to jog alongside me.

Go, go, go. Let's start jogging.
Start jogging.

Try not to spill it.

- That taste good?
- It's not bad.

- Really proud of you, buddy.
You're doing great.

When we arrive at the table,
you splinter right, I pull left.
- OK.

It's extremely nice.

- Extreme.
- Thank you, Laura.

- Stop running.

And now I'm outta here...

into the sunset.

See you later, dude.
- Thank you, Guy.
- Happy trails.

- It's not great.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

- The running alongside,
the tea looked quite impressive,
but the tea itself looked horrific.

It looked like diarrhoea.
- An extremely bad cup of tea.

- Ah!
(LAUGHTER)

Laura, there was a lot of
waterfall action with your tea.
- Yes, extremely nice.

- It was― Like her cake,
it was delicious.

- Did you fuck the tea?
(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

- I don't like this episode.
- No.
(LAUGHTER)

- You seemed to have a pretty good
time when you were standing outside
that caravan, you prick.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

- OK, should we score it?
- Yes.

- I mean, everyone's tea
was reasonably extreme,

but I thought the bike-riding
teas were the least extreme,
to be honest.

I wanna give you guys
two points each.

Next, Matt's bungee tea
was probably the next lame.

- What? Hang on a minute.
The whole of our economy's
based on bungee jumping.

- Urz's tea I thought
was extreme in its taste,
and it made what noise, Paul?

- It was kind of like...
(IMITATES GURGLING)
(LAUGHTER)

- Which is quite extreme in flavour,
so I reckon four points for you,
Urzila.

- Thank you.
- And, David, your bat tea

with the four
production staff holding you up,
I thought was pretty impressive.

Five points for you.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- LAURA: Well deserved.

- That is the end of part four.
We'll be back with the thrilling
conclusion to the episode

and another wonderful live task
straight after this.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

*

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to Taskmaster.

Very, very soon, we will know who
is taking home a Briscoes discount
card.

But first, how's our scoreboard
looking, Paul Williams?

- In the lead with 15 points,
it's Laura Daniel.

- Yee!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- All right, everyone,
let's jump right into our live task.
Let's go to the stage.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

You know things have got serious
when I leave my throne and join
you on the stage, Paul.

- Yes, it's rare to see you up here,
but welcome.

- Thanks very much.
Do you wanna hand the task
to one of the contestants?

- Laura Daniel,
will you please read this task?
- I would love to.

READS: 'Survive lemonade roulette.

'The Taskmaster will vigorously
shake one bottle of lemonade.

'You must then open one of the
two bottles within five seconds.

'If you open the bottle that has
been shook, you will be eliminated.

'You may ask the Taskmaster one
question before each vigorous shake.

'You will get one point for
every bottle you survive.'

- There is limitless points
to be won in this challenge.

- MATT: Wow.
- Really?
Will you answer truthfully?

- Maybe.
(LAUGHTER)

- Just seems like if
we're the one's opening the bottle,
the jacket's kinda wasted on Jeremy.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- Laura's gonna start.
Your question.

- Jeremy, which bottle are you
going to shake ― the red one or
the blue one?

- The blue one.

- Laura, please turn around.

Laura, please turn back around.

Five, four,

three, two...
(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)
Condolences.

- MATT: Have you got a towel?
- Urzila, your question.

- Taskmaster, will you be
shaking with your wank hand?
(LAUGHTER)

- Yes.
(LAUGHTER)

- Urzila, please turn around.
Five, four, three, two...

- Oh.
(LAUGHTER)

- Condolences, Urzila.
- Quite happy with myself so far.
(LAUGHTER)

- He's got a strong wank arm, guys.
(LAUGHTER)

- Matt Heath.

- Taskmaster, is there anything
sexual happening between you and
Hilary Barry?

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Maybe.
(LAUGHTER)

- Please turn around.

Five, four,

three...
(LAUGHTER)

Please take a seat.
- It's horrific.

- David, your question.

- Which one are you gonna shake?
- That one.

- David, please turn around.

Five, four...
(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

So far, 100% fail rate.
(LAUGHTER)

- It actually looks quite hard.
(LAUGHTER)

- Your question.
- Can I please borrow your jacket?
- No.

(LAUGHTER)

- Please turn around, Guy.

Five, four,

three...
(AUDIENCE GROANS, LAUGHS)

Unbelievable.
(APPLAUSE)

100% fail rate.

- Let's go down and...
do the scoring?
(LAUGHTER)

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

Let's have a look at how everyone
scored in that remarkable task.
(LAUGHTER)

- Well, we've got
zero points for Laura, zero points
for Urzila, zero points for Matt,

zero points for David,
and zero points for Guy Montgomery.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- So, Paul, how has that affected
the overall episode scores?
- Very little effect.

The winner with 15 points ―
Laura Daniel.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Well done, Laura. You now get to
drown yourself in bargains like the
cheapskate that youare.

Get up there and enjoy
your undervalued haul.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

It's certainly been
a night we'll never forget.

We enjoyed cake and tea filled with
sewage and Froot Loops respectively.

We watched a caravan
practically fill with sweat.

And, most importantly, we have a
deserving winner in Laura Daniel.

Congratulate her one more time,
why don't you?
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

I'll see the rest of you
next week time. Nigh-night.

('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Captions were made with
the support of NZ On Air.

www.able.co.nz
Copyright Able 2021

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

As you travel on God's journey...

- On my signal!

- LAURA: Go!
(ENGINE REVS)

- ...whatever you choose to be...

- Kidding.

- ...is beautiful.

- I am watering up over here.

- You may be the judge of this, but
Judgement Day is coming for all of
us.

(LAUGHTER)