All language subtitles for Taskmaster (NZ) - s02e06 - Eat Your Asses

*

(WHEEL CLICKS)

('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)

- (SNORTS)

- (BLUBBERS LIPS)

- (GASPS)

(KEYS CLACK)

(CLUNK!)

(SPLASH!)

(THUD!)

(KEYS CLACK)

- (GROANS)

(POP!)

I'm peeing in the water.

- Whoo-hoo!

- Gotta be faster than that!

- Ta-da!

(KEYS CLACK)

- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

(SPLASH!)

(WHEEL CLICKS)

- (EXHALES)

(CLUNK!)

www.able.co.nz
Copyright Able 2021

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(DING!)

- Welcome, everybody!

We've made it to the sixth episode
of Taskmaster.

My name is Jeremy Wells,
and as far as you're all concerned,
I am the Taskmaster.

Sitting before me today
are five widely-beloved comedians

who have spent the last few months
completing a series of tasks

to find out who is the most
widely-beloved by me.
(LAUGHTER)

We're just over halfway to finding
out who will be crowned the champion
of Taskmaster Season Two

and become the proud owner
of my head in golden statue form.

Our contestants, as per usual,
are David Correos,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Guy Montgomery,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Laura Daniel,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Matt Heath,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

and Urzila Carlson.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

And beside me is the 2014 TV Guide's
sexiest man on television...
(LAUGHTER)

...'s brother.
(LAUGHTER)

My fearless admin fiend
of an assistant, Paul Williams,
ladies and gentlemen.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Thanks, Jeremy.

I was thinking recently that,
obviously, there's a lot
of fans out there,

so I thought I would start
selling some merch.

So if anyone's keen, I've got, uh,
this is a Taylor Swift T-shirt.
(LAUGHTER)

This one's Jay-Z,
and I've got a white Abba. So...
(LAUGHTER)

I mean, just, I'll be around
after the show if anyone's keen.

- Fantastic. Let's start with the
most important meal of the day ―
our prize task.

What can we expect tonight, Paul?
- Our prize task this week, Jeremy,

is the two most different things.

- Hmm.
(AUDIENCE 'OOH'S)

- Yes, each contestant has
brought in the two things that
they deem to be the most different.

The person with the most different
things will get five points,

and whoever has the most points at
the end of the episode will get to
take home all 10 different things.

- I love me a bit of juxtaposition.
Let's start with my pal
Urzila Carlson.

- Yes. I have tofu and biltong.

- Tofu...
(LAUGHTER)
...and biltong.

- One is amazing

and one is tofu.
(LAUGHTER)

- OK. We've asked you to bring in
two different things there, Urzila.
- Yeah.

- And I don't want to
nickel-and-dime you on this so
early on in this particular episode,

but they are both foods.

- Listen, if we had a vegan here on
this stage and I said to them,

'Just tuck in.
It's basically the same,'

they'd go, 'Fuck no. It is not.'
(LAUGHTER)

For those are twovastly
different things.

- Are you vegan, Jeremy?
- No.

- So is there any difference?
- No. They're both disgusting.
(LAUGHTER)

Guy, what did you bring in?
- Uh, I brought in two things
that are so different,

there's actually quite a
popular idiom named after them.

I brought in chalk and cheese.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Wow. Chalk and cheese.

So true.
- So, one of them is chalk.

(LAUGHTER)

And the other one is cheese.

- Both edible!
(LAUGHTER)

- I've eaten chalk.
- Yeah.

- She's correct.
- That's right.

- Because David eats something,
it doesn't make it food.
(LAUGHTER)

- I myself have eaten some chalk.
- And because Urzila eats something,
the same rule applies.

(LAUGHTER)
- Matt?

- Well, Jeremy, a couple of years
ago, I had the opportunity
to visit a part of the country

and I borrowed something
from that part of the country.

And then two weekends ago,
I had an opportunity to go to the
Bluff Oyster Shucking Festival

and I got an opportunity
to borrow the other thing
that referenced the thing,

and I think it's best if I just
show them.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- LAURA: Wow.

- Two signs.

Two yellow signs with black font.
(LAUGHTER)

- Very different because
you read what's on them.

One is Cape Reinga,
and the other one is Bluff.

So, they're in very different parts
of the country.
- Two New Zealand towns.

- Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)

In my defence, and you see
this a lot in the show,
I didn't really read the task.

So I looked at it―
- That's a great defence, Matt (!)
(LAUGHTER)

- I looked at it once, and then in
my head, instead of 'different',
I read 'opposite'.

- Famously, the opposite
of a yellow sign with
black sans serif font on it

is another yellow sign
with black sans serif font on it.

- Paul.
- Yes.
- What's the opposite of Bluff?

- Telling the truth.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- All right. Laura.
- Kia ora.
- What did you bring in?

- I brought in, uh,
two very different things.

I brought in the Treaty of Waitangi,

and I also brought in
the English translation
of the Treaty of Waitangi.

(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Big shout out to our National
Library for letting me borrow this.
(LAUGHTER)

- Can I just raise an issue here?
- Uh-huh.

- You know how I was accused of
bringing in two...
(LAUGHTER)

- URZILA: Yeah.
- ...two signs?

Is it as different as chalk and
cheese? Not helping out you, but...

- I mean, chemically,
chalk and cheese is actually
quite similar because it's a...

But, you know.
- Because why?

- Because you can eat both.
- URZILA: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)

- David, what did you bring in?

- I had a formula.

I started with an anchor item,
and then I played word association ―
three pages ―

until I got to cinder block

and custard.
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- If you play your cards right,
we could have a new idiom
on our hands here, David.

(LAUGHTER)

- How do you want to score this?
- It's not easy

because some people didn't quite
understand the task...

(LAUGHTER)
completely.

But I'll go one point for Laura.
- LAURA: What?!

- I'll go two points for Matt.
I'll go three points for Urzila.

The thing is chalk and cheese to me
and the cinder block and custard ―

I think you're right.
I think that's a new idiom and
I think that you've created it,

so you get five points,
and you get four points, Guy.

- OK.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Thank you. Thank you.

- What's our first
video-based task, Paul?

- This task rocks,

and it makes me want to cheer.

It involves a rocking chair.
(LAUGHTER)

(CURIOUS MUSIC)

- DAVID: Ooh!

This looks fun.

- Ooh.

- Hello, Paul.
- Hello, Guy.

(LAUGHTER)

- This looks like my mother's
music group. I hated
every one of those bitches.

- Does it matter
how I approach the task?
- Fully up to you.

- This show makes you
incredibly wary of everything.

- Some kind of Salvador Dali
painting or something, isn't it?

- What are all these for?

- Should I sit in this?
- Fully up to you.

- The floor is lava.

- OK. 'Evacuate the items
from the parachute...

- '...while sitting
in the rocking chair.

- 'Once you sit down, your feet
may not touch the parachute.

- 'Most items removed wins.

- 'You have 10 minutes.
Your time starts now.'

- All right. I think I can do that.

- Ah.

Shit.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- So, Laura, Matt, and Guy,
you guys all sat straight down
in the rocking chair.

- Yes.
- Is that right?
- Correct.

- In hindsight, the thing to do
is to, uh, not sit down so you can
rearrange your chair andthe items.

Obviously, hindsight is 20/20 ―

20/20 the eyesight rating
and not the year,
which was universally panned.

(LAUGHTER)

- This is bad news.
This challenge nearly killed me
and it didn't need to.

- Are you only just clicking?
(LAUGHTER)

- Who's evacuating things
from a parachute first?

- These guys are absolute sitters.
It's Laura Daniel
and Guy Montgomery.

- The rocking, actually,
which I previously
so enjoyed for the novelty,

really works against you
in this task.

(LAUGHTER)

- (GRUNTS, CHUCKLES)

(TENSE COMEDIC MUSIC)

- That doesn't count
cos I was standing.

Dang.

- (GRUNTS)

Whoo!

- I'm going to be pissed off...
(PANTS) when I watch the
other people doing this,

and they've figured out
a less physically exhausting way.

- (PANTS) Oh, this is
an uphill climb now. (GRUNTS)

- Great day for it.
- PANTS: Yeah.

Yeah, it is.

- Whoo-hoo!

(YELPS)

- Oh, you little fuck.

- (PANTS)
(LAUGHTER)

(GLASS CLINKS)

- Sorry. Sorry to that...

table.

- Oh, no. That's a lot of items.

- COCKNEY ACCENT: All right, mate?

- What's his name?
- NORMAL VOICE: Michael.

He's a bad guy.

He was in the Panama Papers.

(LAUGHTER)
- Wow.

- (GRUNTS) God, I hope
there wasn't an easier way.

(CLANG!)

(LAUGHTER)
- You little fuck.

Ooh!

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
(SIGHS)
- That's a camera.

- PANTS: Yeah.
- OK.

- Time.

- So, I'm imagining someone
who read the task standing up

probably just relocated the chair
and accumulated a bunch of shit
around them, got it off that way.

- Who do you think that would be?
- Literally anyone else,
except probably David.

(LAUGHTER)
- I'd say David and I
probably had similar methodology.

- Am I missing something?
- No?
- What a weird task.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- JEREMY: Ooh. OK.

OK. Yeah, can you see what's
happened there, Laura?

- I can see what you've done
with camera trickery.
(LAUGHTER)

- Is that camera trickery, Paul?
- I'd say that's pretty standard,
just, camera recording.

(LAUGHTER)
- So, in total, all the objects on
the parachute, including the chair,

there was 1163.

So Laura ― yeah, she missed
three Lego pieces. So 1160.

- That's not bad.
- OK. She's looking
at me quite intensely.

(LAUGHTER)
- What about Guy? Did he
leave anything on the parachute?

- He didn't, but he wasn't sitting
when he got rid of all of the items.
- Oh.

- Laura had 1160. If we exclude the
things when Guy was not sitting,...

- Yep.
- 1161.

- Ah.
- Oh.
- Pretty good.

- And are we counting Guy
was still on the parachute?

- No, I think Guy also left
the parachute, I believe.

- Well, in the VT. you were on it.
- Yeah. I was very speedy,
so I took a moment to chillout,

and then I left. You'll notice
I'm not on the parachute now.
(LAUGHTER)

- Well, we'll see more of the
process after these messages.
We'll see in a moment.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

*

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to the sixth episode
of Taskmaster.

Right now, everybody is trying
to get things off a big parachute ―
a rainbow parachute.

How did you acquire
that big parachute, Paul?

- It landed there during the war.
(LAUGHTER)

- Would you like to show
us another video?
- Absolutely.

Now, previously on Taskmaster,
Guy assumed that David would make
the same mistake as him.

Guy assumed wrong.

David read the whole task standing
up and was able to rearrange
the chair and items as he saw fit.

Here's him and
Captain Two Signs, Matt Heath.
(LAUGHTER)

- Oh, my time starts now.
I shouldn't― I should be
on here now, shouldn't I?

(LAUGHTER)

- Is that what evacuate means?

(LIGHT QUIRKY MUSIC)

From the rocking chair?
- All the information
you need is in the task.

- OK. So my feet aren't allowed
to touch the ground.

(GRUNTS)

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

- Careful.
- (GRUNTS)

(AUDIENCE YELLS, LAUGHS)

Feet didn't touch the ground.
- I know.

(WOOD CRACKS)

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

(CLANG!)

- PANTS: There must be
an easier way to do this.

(GRUNTS)

(VELCRO RIPS)

- (GRUNTS)

- (GASPS) Ah. Cramp.

(PANTS) Cramp.

- (GROANS)

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

(LAUGHTER)

(GRUNTS, PANTS)

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

- PANTS: Getting quite shagged
doing this.

- No! Fuck!
(LAUGHTER)

(YELLS) No!

- (BREATHES HEAVILY)

(PANTS)

(LAUGHTER)

PANTS: OK. I'm done.
(BREATHES HEAVILY)

- (GASPS)

Oh, man.

That hand's all the way over there.
(LAUGHTER)

(PANTS)

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

(GRUNTS)

(LAUGHTER)

- (BREATHES SHAKILY)

- How was that?
- GASPS: Stop.

- (BREATHES HEAVILY)

How'd I do?
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Couple of interesting techniques
there. Matt, you decided
that the best way

was to lie the rocking chair flat
for some particular reason.
I'm not sure why.

- I just― Uh, like, for speed
and, uh, convenience.

I feel like there's
some bad news coming my way.
(LAUGHTER)

- Well, how did Matt go in terms
of the chair? You know, I mean,
was the chair OK after that?

- He damaged the chair slightly,
but the main issue was
you were supposed to be seated.

- SIGHS: Yeah.
- Of course.

- In Matt's case, he got rid
of all 1163 things,...
- Mm-hmm.

- but only five while seated.
(LAUGHTER)

- This is an ongoing problem for me.
(LAUGHTER)

Not reading the tasks.

- How about David?
- Similar story.
He got rid of 1163 items,

but was standing for 1156 of those.
(LAUGHTER)

So, seven while sitting. Seven,
which is more than Matt by two.

- OK. So is there anyone else
to have a look at?

- There is one more person, and she
is the lover of all things vegan.

It's Urzila Carlson.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- So I can move the chair, right?

- Yeah.
- All right. I'll just
get everything lined up.

Boop.

- Can I take this home
when we're done?
- Yeah.

- Just cos I've got the torso. Boop.

Paul, be a doll and bring
that hammer for us.

- The hammer?
- Yeah. (PANTS)

How much time have I got left?
- You've got six minutes.

- (GROANS) If I tip it,
that's more stuff, right?

Look at this. It's your social life.

(LAUGHTER)

Play something for us, Paul.
- I can't play the guitar.
- Pretend.

Make it something uplifting.

- (STRUMS CHORD)
(LAUGHTER)

- That's not too hard.

All right, how much time?
- You've got just over
three minutes.

- Oh, yeah. Heaps.

(DRAMATIC WESTERN MUSIC)

- (YELPS) Paul, come give me
that cricket bat, please.
- OK.

Good luck to who has to clean this.

This should come with a
trigger warning for all parents.

- Two minutes.

- That was the reverse sweep.
- Well played.

40 seconds.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)
- I was happy with that, Paul.
- OK.

- I left this for you
so you can get hammered tonight.
- OK, thank you.

- See you, mate.
- See ya.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Well, you have to say
a better technique.
- Yes.

- But you still left a lot of things
on top of the parachute.

- I looked at it and I thought,
'One of these guys are going
to fuck up hard on this task.

(LAUGHTER)
- 'I'm OK as long
as I don't come last.'

I don't need to win. I just don't
need to embarrass my family.
(LAUGHTER)

- How did Urzila go in the end?
- 1150. 13 items still on.

- But certainly a lot less tired
than the rest of you.
- Oh, yeah. I felt great afterthat.

When I was done,
I went for a run, so...
(LAUGHTER)

- Shall we score that one, Paul?
- One point for Matt,
two points for David,

three points for Urzila, four points
for Laura, and five points for Guy.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Very, very good. Now, Paul,
I can't do maths as fast as
your little computer can,

so what are our episode scores
looking like now?

- In first place,
with nine points, Guy Montgomery.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- All right, Paul. Reach into
the depths of your mind palace and
conjure me up another task, please.

- Of course. It's time
for another team task.

Warning ― this task contains
explicit lyrics

and also bullying.
(LAUGHTER)

(TENSE MUSIC)

- Ooh, yeah! (SLURPS)
- OK.

- Big ol' bowl of spaghetti, huh?
Hello, Paul.

- # Ooh. #

- Uh, 'Mom's spaghetti.' Oh, OK.
So this is like a rap situation.
- Rap― Ah.

- Where's the envelope?

- GRUNTS: Oh, yeah.
- You got it?

- Aw. That's just inconvenient.

- Paul.
- Honestly.

- You couldn't have just
put it on the table?
- Yeah.

- Sorry.
(LAUGHTER)

- 'Create a diss track about
the members of the other team.

- 'Best diss track wins.

- 'You have 45 minutes.

- 'Your time starts now.'

- RAPS: # I got beef
with Matt Heath. #

- Voov-voov.

- RAPS: # Matt, Matt.

# Run him over like a cat. #
- David, you shouldn't
run over cats.

(LAUGHTER)
- Yeah, it's actually offensive
to the cat owners.

- (BEATBOXES) Something like that?

- I think let's make it
COVID-friendly and less spitty.

- RAPS: # Get Matt Heath.

# Wrap him with a shoelace.

# Have his body hanging
from this tall place. #

- URZILA: Oh, they're gonna
go hard on us cos they know
about music and stuff.

(FUNKY HIP-HOP BEAT PLAYS)
- # Fuck you, Urz!

(LAUGHTER)
# Fuck you! #

- Things we know about Laura ―
she was on Seven Sharp.

Cakes.
- Ugly cakes.

- You bake ugly, shit cakes.
- Yeah.

(RELAXED HIP-HOP BEAT PLAYS)
- RAPS: # This how flow goes.
I'ma break your nose.

# Break your teeth, bitch.
Get out of my flow. #

- Can't wait to hear
his Christmas song.

- Montgomery ― more like Mont...

Goobery.

(FUNKY HIP-HOP BEAT PLAYS)
- # I'm gonna, gonna,
gonna drown you

# in your own blood. Hold your
face down in your own blood now. #
(LAUGHTER)

- Correos ― Wi-Fi boy. Why do you
need all that Wi-Fi in the garage?
- (CHUCKLES)

- What, are you
wanking in there, buddy?
- Yeah, that's good.

And the thing is they've got
nothing on us. There's nothing.

We're untouchable. So we know...
- Yeah, I mean,
we're fucking perfect.

Good luck to them.

- Oh, we should make fun of them
for being old.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- We should really bully them
for being older than us.

- Oh, do you think they've put them
together because, combined,
their age is the same asours?

- Surely they won't focus
on that aspect of it.
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Surely you wouldn't focus on that.
- No.
- No.

- I'm less worried about the age.
I am truly terrified to find out
what David does here.

(LAUGHTER)
Cos if that's the practise...

- I feel like you're gonna be
on a list somewhere.
(LAUGHTER)

- David came up with a different
freestyle of increasing intensity
for every beat we sampled.

A lot of it was un-broadcastable.
(LAUGHTER)

- RAPS: # Matt Heath.

# Stab him in the face,
got a blood on the sheath. #
(LAUGHTER)

- Shit, man.
(LAUGHTER)

We kept it respectful.
- Yeah.
- And we didn't go downstairs.

We keep it clean and
we keep it respectful,
so I hope you guys did as well.

(LAUGHTER)
If anything, we sort of tried
to buoy you guys up.

- Yeah.
- Sounds like a pretty
piss-weak diss track.

- Well...
(LAUGHTER)

- Did you read the task as
'Compliment the other team?'
(LAUGHTER)

- No, we knew we could
go really hard because
we're wealthy and you're not.

(LAUGHTER)

- We've got two blistering diss
tracks to come when we return.

We'll see you after the break.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

*

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to Taskmaster ―
a wholesome light
entertainment programme

that so far has been mainly about
parachutes and battle rapping.

What's on next, Paul Williams?
- Our two teams are attempting
to disrespect each other

via the medium of rap music.
Up first, our dynamic duo ―

Matt and Urzila.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(HEAVY HIP-HOP BEAT PLAYS)

- # There's just two of us.
- # Two.

- # They needed three of yous.

# You're coming last.
We're gonna eat your ass.
(LAUGHTER)

- Not me. Not so much.
- Let's go.

- Laura.

Not sharp enough for seven, eh?

Jacinda got eye diarrhoea
from your ugly-ass cake.
(LAUGHTER)

Laura ― rhymes with borer.
- Borer.
- And snorer.

One fucks up your day, one fucks up
your night.

- # There's just two of us.

# You three are pus.

# You've been surpassed.

BOTH: # We're gonna eat your asses.
(LAUGHTER)

- Not me so much.
I'll have a biscuit. Guy.

# Montgomery.

More like Guy...

Un-comedy. Or Guy McFreckleface.

Or SPF 70 Guy,
because you're extremely pale.

- Very pale.
- Very pale.

- Good-looking, though.
- Very good-looking.
- Here we go. Final chorus.

# There's just...
- BOTH: # ...two of us.

- # They needed...
- BOTH: # ...three of yous.

# We're gonna put you in a cast

# and eat your ass.

- SCREAMS: Ass!

Correos.

Wi-fi boy. More like wank-man.

Wanking in the kitchen. Wanking in
the lounge. Wanking in your garage.

Wanking all over your shit signal.

(MICROPHONE THUMPS)
- Tried to catch it.

(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

- Yeah.
- Wow. That was quite something.
- Yeah.

- Talk us through
the thought process.

- I don't think we should
be talking about―

You kept writing, 'And you're
going to eat their arses.'
(LAUGHTER)

- It wasn't until after
that Urzila pointed out
that eating their arse is―

I thought it was, like,
insulting you guys.
(LAUGHTER)

- You did make history.
This song set a record

for the most arse-eating threats
in a rap song.
(LAUGHTER)

- Yeah, boy!

- We kept it clean
and we kept it respectful.
(LAUGHTER)

And I hope you guys do us
the courtesy.

You'll be devastated to find out,
Matt, that not only do we not
offer to eat your arse,

but we don't even offer our
own arseholes for consumption.
(LAUGHTER)

- Once again, that was
a misunderstanding from me.

- OK, are we ready for a return
of serve? I'm excited to see if
David will deliver on his promise

to literally murder both of them...
(LAUGHTER)

in multiple ways.
- Let's find out.

Here's David, Guy, and Laura,
who prefer to be known collectively
by their rap group name,

which you'll soon find out.

PAUL: So, take it all at the top.
Introduce it.

- Maybe Boomers, maybe?
- Fuck! (GRUNTS)

- We're called the Baby Boomers?
- They're called the Maybe Boomers.
- Maybe Boomers. Yeah.

- (GRUNTS)
- Uh, we're called the― Uh...

Hello. This is our rap group ―
The Three Friends.
- The Three Friends.

- And, uh, this is our―
our track that's going out to
Matt Heath and Urzila Carlson.

Fuck you guys.
- Yes.

- Fuck you guys. Fuck you.
- Yes, you've been warned.

- You've been warned. OK.
- Hit it.

(OMINOUS HIP-HOP BEAT PLAYS)

- RAPS: # Matt and Urzila.
Matt and Urzila. Never met any
old fuckers worse than ya.

# Matt Heath, you got bad teeth.
Yeah, sticky and you're
like an old used sheet.

# You don't play Ne-Yo

# on the radio.

# But you should

# cos Ne-Yo's real fuckin' good.

- # Yeah.

# Oh, Urzila Carlson.

# Never seen a TV show
you didn't star in.

# Guess what? It's pissing me off.

- # Brrrah! Brrrah!
- # Whenever you open your mouth,...

- Yeah!
- # ...I'd rather hear
somebody cough.

- # And I don't like coughs.
(LAUGHTER)

# They sound (LAUGHS)
real bad to me.

- # You're maybe baby boomers
cos you're sagging in appearance.

# You're yo― older than us,...
- ALL: # ...but you're younger
than our parents.

- # What a fucking crazy age.
You're more famous than us,...

- ALL: # ...but we're
on the same wage!

- Hopefully.
- Hopefully. Hopefully.

- # Matt and Urzila.

# I'ma break your face just in case
you don't know your place.

# Hit 'em on my foot while
I spray you with mace. Ha, ha!

# Split you like banana.

(LAUGHTER)
# Ha, ha!

# Better call your mama.

# I know you old.

# I'ma break your bones.
I know you old.
(LAUGHTER)

# I know. I know.
Drink more milk, bitch.
(LAUGHTER)

- # You're maybe baby boomers
cos you're sagging in appearance.

- LAURA AND GUY: # You're older
than us, but you're younger...
- ALL: # ...than our parents.

- # Yeah.
- LAURA AND GUY: # What a
fucking crazy age.

- # More famous than us,...
- # but we're on the same wage. #

- Hopefully.

- I'm gonna kill both of you.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Right in the eyes.
Knife. Boom, boom!

(THUD!)
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- That was lovely. Thanks, guys.
That was― That was really lovely.

- I felt so guilty
after making that,

I, um, emailed the producers
to try not get that aired.

They said no.
- (GUY LAUGHS)

- So, as an apology,
I'm so sorry. Here you guys go.

(AUDIENCE 'AWW'S)
- LAURA: Aww.

- URZILA: Thank you.
- I'm so sorry.

- Meat packs ― I love it. Meat pack.
(APPLAUSE)

- I'm so sorry.
- Oh, that's lovely.
- I'm so sorry.

- I mean, honestly, you should
have brought us milk, bitch!
(LAUGHTER)

- The Three Friends also assumed
that they were on the same wage,

so I thought on the count of three,
we could all say our wage.
(LAUGHTER)

- Look, I mean, let's not get into
that. Just give them the points.

We'll go back to the beach house
and think about it.
(LAUGHTER)

- Jeremy, how are we going
to score this?

- Well, it's quite difficult,
actually, because clearly,

David, Guy, and Laura's rap
was a better rap.

There was an issue there,
and it's like a―

It's a lesser known ism,
but ageism, just like racism
and sexism, is an ism.

And for a man approaching his 50s,
it's a more relevant ism by the day.
(LAUGHTER)

And so I'm gonna have to take
a point off you for that

because I was going to give you five
and I was going to
give you guys two.

But now I'm going to go four for you
guys and two for you guys. Simple.

- We're happy with that.
- We'll take that.
(APPLAUSE)

- Like all great hip-hop feuds, this
was settled with a lovely hamper.

Thanks very much, David.
That's impressive. What now, Paul?

- Ring, ring!

Ring, ring! Sorry, I'll just...

Hello?

OK. OK, I'll tell them.

Um, they say it's time
for another task.

(LAUGHTER)

Sorry, what was that?

Why am I pretending
to be on the phone?

I just thought it would be
a good way to, um,
throw into the next task.

Yeah. Yeah, no. I know I was wrong.
(LAUGHTER)

Yeah, I can feel that now. I'm kind
of stuck in this bit, though.
(LAUGHTER)

OK, I'm just going to start the―
I'm just gonna about the task.
OK, right now.

(INTRIGUING MUSIC)

- (HUMS CURIOUSLY)

SING-SONGY: I spy a burner phone.

- I'm not going to murder anyone.
I'll tell you that right now.

- Oh.

- 'Keep this phone with you
at all times.

- 'Await further instructions.'
Flash phone.

- I feel like I'm nailing it so far.
(LAUGHTER)

- Do I need to charge it?

- I'm going to go, and if you
need me, you know how to contact me.
(LAUGHTER)

- Hi.
- Oh, hello.
- Hi. What's up?

- You're still here.
- Yeah.

- You can go home if you want.

- Can I?
- Yeah.
- Why is that?

- Well, the instructions...

might be a while.

- OK. Sweet.

See you later.
- Thank you, David.

- Have a good one.
- You too.
- Bye.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Right.

What happened when those phones
buzzed? Well, time will tell.

Approximately two minutes of time,
actually. We'll see you back here
in just a moment.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

*

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where five exceptional comedians
are battling it out

for the chance to take home
a copy of the Treaty of Waitangi

that Laura printed
at Warehouse Stationery.
(LAUGHTER)

What is happening, Mr Paul Williams?
- We gave our contestants
all a $29 phone.

Their only instruction ―
to await instruction.

- That's a big ask. I mean, did you
guys take your phones everywhere
you went for all thattime?

- Everywhere.
- It was a, um,
tremendous pain in the aris.

- Yeah.
- So you have to keep it
charged all the time.

- I got accused of selling drugs
multiple times because
I was running a burner.

That consumed me ― that phone.
I'd leave the house,

I'd drive down the road,
I'd come back to get the phone.

I kept it on me for two months ―
every freaking second.
It was never out of charge.

- Did you get those, like,
weird notification texts as well?

- Yeah, and it'd be, like,
just some random thing from the
phone company saying, 'Bling!'

You're like, (YELLS).
- Like, 'Oh, I missed it!'

- So, just over two months ago,
they were all given these phones

and while they were just living
their own lives, one Friday
afternoon, I sent them this text.

'Join this video chat ―

'HTTP―' It's a link. There's a link.

'You must be dressed
as Abraham Lincoln.

'Also, you must pretend
to be Abraham Lincoln.

'First to arrive wins.

'Your time starts now.'
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Right. Dress as Abraham Lincoln.
So who had an
Abraham Lincoln costume?

- You wouldn't believe my bad luck.

I spend, you know, the middle part
of every day in my Abe Lincoln garb.
(LAUGHTER)

Take one day off
and the phone fucking goes off.
(LAUGHTER)

- Would you like to see
what happened?
- Love to.

- Here's what happened.

(STATIC HISSES SOFTLY)

- LAURA: Uh...

(LAUGHTER)
- Hello.

What's your name?

- Uh, my name is Abraham Lincoln.

- Quite a bushy beard, Mr President.

- I'm known for having
a big, long beard.

- No offence. You look...

a bit like Osama bin Laden.
(LAUGHTER)

- What?!

- See, I would associate you more
with a kind of top hat.

- Yep. But if I go like this...

- It looks kind of Russian.

(LAUGHTER)

Uh, you― Um, Sir, your mic
might not be on.

I can't hear you.

- SOUTHERN US ACCENT: You've called
me at an unusual time.

I was just on my way to the theatre
to watch a show with my wife.

- Oh, well, that's actually
pretty good timing.

I wouldn't go to that show
if I was you.

- No?
- I wouldn't get in the car.

- Why― Why wouldn't you go to the
show? I've heard fantastic things.

- I'd love to hear
some of your famous quotes.

- Four score and 10 years ago,...

LAUGHS: I had a dream.
(LAUGHTER)

- Wow.

We've got a, uh, another...

person joining us.

- GRANDLY: How are you?
(LAUGHTER)

Four score and 40 years.

It's me!

I love slaver― I hate slavery!

- LAURA: It sounded like you said
you loved slavery.
- No, I don't.

I- Actually, it's the
complete opposite.

Let me pay for this costume
I just got.

Oh, no. Oh, my card's declined!
I wo―
(LAUGHTER)

- (LAUGHS)
- DAVID: Oh, no!

OK, let me just― let me just use
this fandangled contraption.

- Um, we have― We have another
person joining the call.

Hello.
- URZILA: Hello.

- Who are you?

- Oh my God. I'm Lincoln, bro.
I'm dead.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Oh, spooky.
- I'm a ghost.

I mean, I'd still be alive
if some dude hadn't killed me.

- Abraham Lincoln
wearing headphones,
I believe you're in the background

of one of the other Abraham's
camera right now.

- Why, if it isn't myself!

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Wow.

What are the odds?

Did you guys shop at the same store?

- GUY: Why, of course
we shopped at the same store.
We're the same person!

(LAUGHTER)
- Sorry there's another person
joining the call.

LAUGHS: Oh.

- LAURA: Uh, who is that?
- (GUY LAUGHS)

- Whereabouts are you right now?

- BAD AMERICAN ACCENT: Uh,
Viaduct, sir.

- Right.
- Just been having a bit of a lunch.

- Oh.
- (GUY LAUGHS)

- Who's going to
the theatre tonight?

- Well, I just got talked out of it
by the gentleman in the bowtie.

(LAUGHTER)

- This is very awkward because
I've got five different people
claiming to be Abraham Lincoln.

- Well, we all know who
the real Abraham Lincoln is.

I would like to see
the Abraham Lincoln with
the orange cone wave with two hands.

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- Wow. That was quite something.
David, I want to know what happened
with the card decliningthere.

- I ran into Look Sharp,
I got dressed,
didn't pay for it, got there.

It declined, and then I had to get
on to my phone, get into my bank app

while this woman was
staring at a brown Abe Lincoln,
transfer some money, pay for it.

- David and I had actually just
had lunch together in Wellington

and gone our separate ways
when the phones went off,

and so I sprinted into
Look Sharp and, very sweaty,
I was talking to this woman.

I said, 'You got anything like
Abe Lincoln?'

And she just went, 'Oh, vaguely,'
and then put together this costume.

Then I came outside, and then not
two minutes later, a very sweaty
David would have run in,

picked out exactly the same costume.
(LAUGHTER)

- Laura, yours was quite
Osama bin Laden-y, wasn't it?

- Yes. But the task was
'first person to join the call,'

so, actually, I think I put in
too much effort.
(LAUGHTER)

- She was unbelievably fast ―
two minutes and 56 seconds.
- URZILA: Wow.

- OK, so how do the points stack up?
- One point ― Matt,
two points ― Urzila,

three points ― David,
four points ― Guy,
and five points for Laura Daniel.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Congratulations, Laura.

There are plenty more tasks to come.

Well, actually, there's one,
but that's plenty in my books.

We'll see you very, very shortly
after some riveting advertisements.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

*

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to Taskmaster.
The finish line is near,

and soon, it will be raining
tofu and biltong on our winner
for the week.

But first, scoreboard, please,
Paul Williams.

- In first place with 17 points,
it's Guy Montgomery.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- There's everything and nothing
to play for.

Let's head to the stage
for our final task of the night!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

OK. A bare-bones task.

Would you like to give that
to David to read, maybe?

- David, please read this task.
- Mm-hmm.

'Taking turns, name a celebrity.

'Your celebrity's name must start
with the last letter of the
previously-named celebrity.

'You cannot name a celebrity
that has already been named.

'You have 10 seconds
to name your celebrity.

'If you do not name one,
you will be eliminated.

'If Jeremy has not heard
of your celebrity,

'you have a further 10 seconds
to convince him they are famous.

'If you do not convince him,
you are eliminated.
Last contestant standing wins.'

- So, for example, 'Paul Williams',
the S is the next celebrity.

- LAURA: Oh.
- URZILA: Ah.
- Yes.

- Can they be fictional characters
or are they all real people?

- Jeremy?
- Well, I think they can be
fictional characters

as long as they're famous
in their fictional world.

- How well do you know Yu-Gi-Oh!?
(LAUGHTER)

- Is that his first or second name?
(LAUGHTER)

- We're going to start
at this end with David.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)
- Joaquin Phoenix.

(LAUGHTER)

- Xavier Rush, the former
Auckland rugby player.
- Yep.

- H?
- H.

- Uh, uh, Harry Potter.
(LAUGHTER)

- Peter Plumley-Walker.
(LAUGHTER)

What? You haven't heard of
Peter Plumley-Walker?

- No. Harry Potter ended in an R.
- Oh!
- You said Peter Plumley-Walker.

You're eliminated.
(APPLAUSE)

- So, can I pick
a new celebrity now? Or...

- Yes.
- OK.

- (BLOWS WHISTLE)
- Sean Penn.

- Neil Diamond.

- David Correos.
- Oh, thank you.

- Uh, Sarah Jessica Parker.

- Raquel Welch.

- Harry Styles.

- Sean William Scott.

- Uh, Tina Turner.

- Ronald McDonald.
(LAUGHTER)

- Donald Trump.

- Oh, no. Oh, Petra Bagust.
- (LAUGHS)

- Is that a― Is that a T?
- T.
- T.

- Um- Uh...

T... Terese...

Tr... Uh...
T― Tom― Tom Hanks.

- (EXHALES HEAVILY)

- Sean Connery.

- Yolanda Be Cool. They're a―
They're a band. They're a DJ.

- I've never heard of
Yolanda Be Cool.
(LAUGHTER)

- How do you feel, Jeremy?
- I can't accept that. I don't―
Never heard of Yolanda Be Cool.

(AUDIENCE GROANS, APPLAUDS)
- Sorry, David.

Guy Montgomery.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)
- Pink.

- Keri Hilson.

- Naomi Campbell.

- Lionel Messi.

- Um... Uh...

Isabel Lucas.

Home and Away. Transformers.
Hot little blonde thing.
(LAUGHTER)

- (SIGHS) Simon Dallow.

- William Wallace.

- E― Edgar Wright.

- Tom Cruise.

- Edgar Allan Poe.
(LAUGHTER)

- Um... E― E― Uh..

Erin Simpson.

- (SIGHS) Um...

Nicolas Cage.
- Whoo!
(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

- Elon Musk.

- Sk. Um... Uh...

Kimberly Crossman.

(TENSE MUSIC)

- (SIGHS)
- (BLOWS WHISTLE)

- Don't know. I'd just gone blank.
(APPLAUSE)

- Great effort.
- Back to Guy. Our final two.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)

- Kim Cattrall.

- Uh, Laura Daniel?
(LAUGHTER)

- Who's that (?)
- The...
(LAUGHTER)

- Lex Luthor.
- Yeah, Lex Luthor.

- Uhh― Uh...

Ronald Weasley.
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

Well, if you've heard of
Harry Potter―
- Yeah, but Harry's famous.

Is Ronald Weasley famous
in that world?
- Yeah, I reckon.

- LAURA: Yeah.
- Was he famous? OK. All right.

- Yung Lean?
(LAUGHTER)

- Who?
- He's a rapper and
he's 10 times more famous

than Ronald Fucking Weasley.
(LAUGHTER)

- I don't know him.
- I got nothing. It's an outrage,
but I've got nothing.

Uh― Oh, Yell―
- (BLOWS WHISTLE)

- Yellow. The colour yellow.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Well done, Laura.
Come on down. Let's score it!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Welcome back on, everyone.

How did we go
with the scores there, Paul?

One point for Matt, two points
for David, three points for Urzila,

four points for Guy,
and five points for Laura Daniel.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- So where does that
live task leave us for the
overall standings for the series?

- With a four-point lead,
with 103 points, Laura Daniel!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- All right. So what about
tonight's episode ― episode six?
Who's the winner?

- The winner of tonight's episode,
with 21 points,

Guy Montgomery!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Congratulations, Guy. Head on up.

What an enthralling hour
we've spent together tonight.

We've destroyed rocking chairs,
we've torn reputations to shreds ―

I'm looking at you, Matt Heath ―
(LAUGHTER)

and we reanimated the same
dead president five times.

But at Taskmaster,
we can lift people up faster
than we tear them down.

The main takeaway from tonight is
that our winner is Guy Montgomery!

We'll see you next time.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)

Captions were made with the
support of NZ On Air.

www.able.co.nz
Copyright Able 2021

- URZILA: Yeah!
- Hey!

(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

- PAUL: Now for the biggest bargain
of them all ―

an episode full of tasks
on free-to-air television.

- Ow!

- SCREAMS: No!

- I love them so much.

- Am I going to have to use my
fucking wits for this? I hate that!