Original subtitles

- Just tell us where the girl is.

- I told you. I don't know!

- Ok.

If you don't know, you don't know.

- Now do you know?

- Hey, man, get your partner off of me.

- You better tell her what she wants to know.

- You got three seconds to talk.

- I don't-- I--

She's in my basement!

She's in my basement.

- Boring.

- That was boring?

- Yeah, it was all too predictable.

There were no-- ahh!-- Surprises.

- I enjoyed the slapping.

- The entertainment is so much more

entertaining when the characters do things

the audience doesn't expect.

- I don't get what you're trying to say here.

- You bewildered everybody.

- All right, ok. Maybe I'm wrong.

Let's move on to something else.

Let's talk about our hopes and dreams.

Tori?

- Sikowitz!

- What's your biggest hope and or dream?

- Uh... probably to be a pop star.

A really successful singer.

- What?

- Well, maybe you could sing at weddings.

For the hearing impaired.

- Ok, this is the most fun class ever.

- You really don't think I can make it as a singer?

- Nope.

Ha!

You see?

You're all staring at me with rapt attention.

Why?

Because as a teacher, you expect me to encourage my students,

not puke on their dreams.

Right? - Right.

- Uh-huh.

- This is what I was trying to explain.

When characters do the unexpected-- ooh--

audiences pay attention.

- Oh, I have a headache.

- That's lunchtime. Get out!

- Hey, Jade, that's a nice new sweater.

- Thanks.

It's made out of puppet hair.

- Dang, woman.

- Tori, hang back a sec.

- No, I'm scared.

- Just listen.

How would you like to do something exciting?

- Uh... could I have more details?

- My friend Jenny is a casting director.

She's working on a new movie.

- Movie?

- They need a spunky teenage girl to play

the best friend of the lead.

Would you like to audition?

- Wow.

I mean, I've never auditioned for like, a real movie before.

- And I've never done a standing backflip, but watch this.

- Are you ok?

- Ugh. Not really.

- ♪ Here I am, once again ♪

♪ feeling lost ♪

♪ but now and then ♪

♪ I breathe it in ♪

♪ to let it go ♪

♪ and you don't know ♪

♪ where you are now ♪

♪ or what it will come to ♪

♪ if only somebody could hear ♪

♪ when you figure out how ♪

♪ you're lost in the moment ♪

♪ you disappear ♪

♪ you don't have to be afraid ♪

♪ to put your dream in action ♪

♪ you're never gonna fade ♪

♪ you'll be the main attraction ♪

♪ not a fantasy ♪

♪ just remember me ♪

♪ when it turns out right ♪

♪ 'cause you know ♪

♪ that if you live ♪

♪ in your imagination ♪

♪ tomorrow you'll be ♪

♪ everybody's fascination ♪

♪ in my victory ♪

♪ just remember me ♪

♪ when I make it shine ♪♪

- Hi.

Look at the new costume I made.

Can you guess who I am?

- No.

- You're, uh, little boy poo.

- Little Bo peep.

All right, can I just tell you guys how much I'm loving

my new custom design class?

- And my teacher says I have a gift for knowing

people's exact measurements.

- Hey, "peopleys."

- I'm not with him.

- Hey, Robbie, want me to tell you what size your pants are?

- I already know. They're a size four.

- Size four?

- That's how they measure girls' pants.

- What?

Rex, you promised me these were boys' jeans.

You've been Rex'd.

- Hey.

Will you guys take a look at my headshot and resume?

- Sure, what for?

- Sikowitz got me an audition for a movie.

- Oh, that's awesome.

- I don't care.

- You look 12 in this pic.

- Well, that was the last time I was shot

by a professional photographer.

- My brother got shot by a clown.

- Why? - Because my brother kept poking him and saying,

"what you going to do about it clown, huh?"

It happened on the bus.

- Cat, color the tiger.

- Yay, crayons!

- Well, now I have to find a professional photographer.

- Did someone say she needs a professional photographer?

- Yeah. Do you know one?

- Nope.

- Yeah, I don't seem so weird anymore, do I?

- What did you say, girl pants?

- All right, you've got to work on this resume.

- What? What's wrong with it?

- You only have one play on here.

- Well, that's all I've been in. - So?

- Just say you've acted in more stuff.

- Lie? - Yes.

- It's not really lying.

- It's exaggerating.

- Did I mention the clown was my cousin Jesse?

- Color the pretty tiger.

- So, back to my resume.

- You've got to have more things under "special skills."

- Yeah, you put bike-riding as a special skill.

Who can't ride a bike?

- Take a guess.

- Can you keep any secret?

- So what special skills should I add?

- Gymnastics.

- Martial arts. - Skydiving.

- Flirtatious hair-flipping.

- Ok, I do not flip my hair flirtatiously.

- Oh, really? This doesn't look familiar?

"Why, hello, boys.

"My name is Tori vega.

Buy me some licorice and I'll give you a kiss."

- I talk nothing like that.

Seriously, do I talk anything like that?

- "Go do it!" - "No!"

- "Tell him you love him before you lose him."

- "But I'm afraid to tell him."

- "Look, it's been a really, really long time

since I've seen you be happy.

But ever since you and Keith--"

- how's your audition going?

- I'm-- I'm in the middle of it.

- That's so exciting.

- I'm sorry. Who is--

- uh... she's my friend, cat.

- Ah!

- You brought a superhero?

- I bet your left arm is 34 inches long.

- It is.

- Get out, cat.

- Whoosh!

- I'm so sorry.

Uh, where were we?

- I really don't need to see anymore.

- Oh, you don't?

- You're a fantastic actor.

- Really?

So I got the part?

- No. - Oh.

- But only because you look too much like the star.

- I was just thinking that.

- Ah, ok.

That's-- I totally get it.

- But-- - but? But what?

I'm sorry, I seem too eager, don't I? But what?

- How would you like to be a stunt double?

- I was just thinking that.

- A stunt-- a stunt double?

Look, I made my tiger purple.

That doesn't happen in nature.

- So I said ok.

- Really?

I had no idea you did stunt work.

- I don't. I'm not a stunt double.

- Then why did you accept the job?

- I don't know, because I'm stupid.

- I've been telling you people she's stupid,

but did anyone believe me?

- All right, wait.

Why'd they even offer you a job as a stunt double?

- Because of my resume.

Under "special skills," I put gymnastics and karate,

and that made them think that I could do stunts.

- See, you should never lie on your resume.

Well, that's not a pretty face.

- Will you please just call your casting director friend

and get me out of this?

- Mm, you might not want to do that.

- Why not? - You want to get blackballed in Hollywood?

- What do you mean, blackballed?

- In this town, everybody knows everybody.

- You make people mad, word gets around.

- And then no one will hire you.

- Great. So what do I do, get blackballed or do a stunt

and get my face smashed?

- I think... you should do both.

- You know...

- Stunt doubles rarely get injured.

- Yeah, but--

- and you told them you'd do it.

- Which is a commitment.

And making a commitment is like-- well,

take this coconut, for example.

Brown, spherical, covered with short, fibrous hairs that--

what were we talking about?

- So, what's this stunt you're supposed to do anyway?

- Fall off a chair.

- Fall off a chair?

- That's the big stunt you're bugging about?

- Ha! You big baby.

- Well, it could be dangerous.

I'm not a professional stunt girl.

I don't know how to fall off a chair and make it look real.

And what if-- ah!

- Looked good to me.

- Ah, there she is. Uh...

- Tori. - Tori, right.

- I'm sorry. I spit on you.

- That's ok.

Patrice, this is your stunt double.

- Hi, I'm going to fall off your chair.

- I appreciate it.

- Ok. Is this our girl?

- Yeah. Tori, this is our stunt coordinator, gene.

- Good to meet you.

Really simple stunt. - Right.

Simple stunt.

- We've got your chair right here.

- My chair right there.

- Which you're going to sit on.

- I sit on it.

- When the director calls action,

you just fall off the chair.

- I fall off the chair.

- And through that railing, drop 40 feet,

and hit the ground down there.

- Through the-- and drop-- and hit the--?

I have to fall all the way down there?

- On to the air sack.

Yeah, just don't miss the sack like the last stunt double.

- Get out of here!

- Wait-wait-wait, the last stunt double missed the sack?

- Just by a few feet.

- Hey, put the air sack in the right place this time,

would you?

- Get that dried blood off the floor!

- Roger.

Uh...

- No, no, no, you don't understand.

See, I was told I would just be falling off a chair.

- Exactly. Off the chair,

through the railing, plummeting 40 feet.

- Honey, I am in the middle of shooting.

- All right, all right, I'll meet you in the emergency room.

Uh, hey, hey, everybody!

Uh, that was my "wife" on the phone.

She took my son to the zoo

and apparently he was bitten by several monkeys.

- Monkeys? - I got to get to the hospital.

So that's a wrap for the day.

- All right everybody, we'll do the stunt later in the week.

- Bye! Thank you, monkeys!

Whoo! Whoo!

- We have names.

- Wait, who got bit by monkeys?

- The director's kid.

- Did he taunt the monkeys?

- I don't think you should do the stunt.

- I have to.

I'll get blackballed in Hollywood if I back out.

I don't want to get blackballed.

- Then just do it.

- And what if I end up in the hospital?

- Well, maybe you'll meet

a handsome young doctor, get married,

and share a soda pop.

- I don't talk like a movie star from the 1940s!

- Oh, my god, I love your dress.

- Thanks. It's what I wear in the movie.

When I die.

- Um, cat, what up with the crazy costume?

- I'm sikowitz.

- That's a great costume.

Maybe you can dress me for my funeral.

- I could so do that.

- Come on now, there's not going to be a funeral.

- Aw.

- We're all going to come down to set, keep you cool,

watch you land safe and sound, right on that air sack.

Unless you miss it.

I don't think you'll miss it.

- No, no, no!

- I never been treated so disrespectfully.

- Will you just calm down?

- No. I'm outraged.

- You don't need a visitor's pass.

- You and Robbie got visitor's passes.

The wicked witch here got a visitor's pass.

- Here.

- No, let me go! - Get over there!

- Hey, you look great.

Ok.

- Let's put these on.

- Clear the set, please.

- Hi.

- Yay, cat made another costume.

- Look, I'm cat, international spy.

It's not real.

So when does Tori do her fall?

- All right, let's do one.

- Oh, here we go.

- Positions, everyone.

Stop the work, people.

- Quiet on set, please.

- Dan has notes.

- Ahem.

- Last looks, everyone.

- Hey, Tori.

- I don't care what you do, just get me out of this.

- Don't worry, you're going to land

right on that big comfy sack.

- Cell phones off, please.

- I've been reprimanded. Got to go.

- No.

No, no, no, don't go. Don't-- oh, you went.

- Rolling.

- Speed.

- Scene 21 apple, take one.

- Ready, Tori?

Yeah.

- All right.

And action!

- Now read the note.

And spill the coffee and fall.

- Ah!

- Cut!

- Tori, what happened?

- I fell the other way.

I think it worked pretty well.

- No, it didn't.

You need to fall this way, through the railing.

- Right.

Ok.

- Resetting.

- Rolling.

- Speed.

- Hold.

- Scene 21-a, take two.

- And action!

- One sec!

- Uh, what's going on up there?

- I, uh, I got a text message.

I have to pee.

- You got a text message that you have to pee?

- It's a new app called peeminder.

Back in a sec!

- Peeminder?

- You should download that.

- Yeah, you should.

- Why the--

- Tori, he's over there.

- Beck?

Beck?

- Beck? - - Yes?

- Beck?

I'm not Beck, I'm you.

- Wait, but-- but how did you--?

Where did you get that dress?

- Cat made it.

Are you sweating?

- Yeah.

I think I'm having an anxiety attack.

I don't want to do the stunt. I'm scared.

- It's ok. I got this.

- Wait-- what are you--

- shh. Wait here.

- Wow.

Do I look that good running away?

- Just search the app store.

- They don't have peeminder. All I can find is tinkle time.

- I got a squirt alert.

There goes Tori.

- Yeah. She's so cute when she's running away.

Yeah.

"She" is.

- All right, we're back.

Tori, you set?

Ready!

- Rolling.

- Speed.

- Scene 21 apple, take three.

- Action!

Pick up your coffee.

Read the note.

And spill the coffee and fall!

- And cut!

It's perfect!

Thanks, everyone.

Be right back.

- Ah!

- Uh-huh.

- Whoo!

Did everyone enjoy my stunt? I know I did.

- See, it wasn't so bad, was it?

- No! It was fun.

- You want to do another take? - No, I do not.

- Whoo!

- Please?

- Why?

- Because I'm mad at myself for chickening out.

I feel like a weenie.

- The world needs weenies.

Without weenies, who'd wear turtlenecks?

- I got to do this stunt.

- Look, why don't you just-- - come on.

Just call your casting director friend and get us on the set.

Please?

- Very well.

- Yay. Thanks.

- Mm-hmm.

- Hey, why are you upside down?

- Why are you right side up?

- You ready for this? - You can do it, Tori.

- It's a long fall.

- Ok.

Here I go.

Here I go!

Here I go-- I can't do it!

- Don't be a weenie!

- Ok.

I'm going to count to three.

No, no, ten.

I'm going to count to ten and then I'm going--

You're ever so welcome.

- I don't talk like that.

- I made it. I made it!

- ♪ Never listen, never listen ♪

♪ I scream your name ♪

♪ it always stays the same ♪

♪ I scream and shout ♪

♪ so what I'm going to do now is freak the freak out ♪♪

- Mmm!

- I don't want to get blackballed.