Original subtitles

*

(WHEEL CLICKS)

('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)

- (SNORTS)

- (BLUBBERS LIPS)

- (GASPS)

(KEYS CLACK)

(CLUNK!)

(SPLASH!)

(THUD!)

(KEYS CLACK)

- (GROANS)

(POP!)

I'm peeing in the water.

- Whoo-hoo!

- Gotta be faster than that!

- Ta-da!

(KEYS CLACK)

- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

(SPLASH!)

(WHEEL CLICKS)

- (EXHALES)

(CLUNK!)

www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2021

(DING!)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Kia ora. Buongiorno. This is the fifth episode of Taskmaster.

I'm Jeremy Wells, and for at least the next hour, I am the Taskmaster.

Sitting opposite me are five multitalented entertainers,

and earlier this year, I gave them a series of tasks to perform

that utilised almost none of those specific talents.

(LAUGHTER) Some tried their best, others barely tried,

and tonight, we will watch what they did and I will judge them.

At the end of 10 laborious episodes, one lucky lad or lass will receive TV's ultimate prize ―

this head, which kind of looks like me with a goitre.

(LAUGHTER)

Our comedians, as they are every week, are David Correos,... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Guy Montgomery,... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Laura Daniel,... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Matt Heath,... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

and Urzila Carlson. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

And what is a Taskmaster without his assistant?

Just a lonely, handsome―

I didn't write that ― television host. That's all.

So I'm thankful that by my side, as always, is the wonderful Paul Williams!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Jeremy, you're not going to believe what happened to me today.

Obviously, you gave me the morning off, and I wanted to listen to some music.

I biked into town to buy some headphones.

The guy in the headphones store ― he tried selling me noise-cancelling headphones,

and I'm like, 'Ah, yeah, I'm going to need these headphones to be noise-producing.'

(LAUGHTER)

That's kind of the whole point. I need them to get the sound... (LAUGHTER)

from my Discman into my ears. (LAUGHTER)

- So did you end up buying them? - No! I couldn't give that guy my money.

(LAUGHTER)

- Talk us through our prize task. - Sure thing, Jeremy Wells.

Tonight, everyone was asked to bring in the best voucher.

The person who has brought in the best voucher gets all five points.

The person with the most points at the end of the episode will get all five vouchers.

- What a deal ― five vouchers.

That's like getting to spend Christmas with five grandmas. (LAUGHTER)

Matt. - Mm. - What is your best voucher?

- I was thinking about you when I got this voucher,

and I think there's sort of a left-wing agenda running on this show,

so I thought I'd try and fix that up with...

five broadcasting lessons from Mike Hosking. (LAUGHTER, SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

- I've never not wanted to win something so bad in my life.

- Jeremy, don't take this the wrong way, but I preferred Mike Hosking on Seven Sharp toyou.

(LAUGHTER) You could definitely do with this, but you can't win it.

- Have you asked Mike Hosking? - No. (LAUGHTER)

He's New Zealand's most successful broadcaster. He's paid a lot of money.

He doesn't have time to talk to people like me about vouchers.

- He's a real people person (!) (LAUGHTER)

Laura, what did you bring in? - Kia ora.

What's better than something that's made from the heart?

One kiss on the mouth,

with tongue, from yours truly. (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Wow.

Oh my goodness.

- And, uh, it expires on the 25th of March, 2022.

That's when I plan to get married. (LAUGHTER)

- I see nowhere does it say 'not transferable.' So we can potentially link that up

and give that to Mike Hosking and you can kiss him for... (LAUGHTER)

You could kiss him for five hours. (APPLAUSE)

- Urzila, what did you bring in? - It's a gift that keeps on giving.

It's a Peaches & Cream gift voucher. There you go. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Right there. - Did you actually buy that with money,

or did you just have your Peaches points saved up? (LAUGHTER)

- No, mate. I'm a platinum member. They just throw dildos at me when I walk in there.

(LAUGHTER) - Matt, I know it seems ridiculous

to give you another blow-up doll because you already have one. (LAUGHTER)

But, you know, I know you work your way through them, and... (LAUGHTER)

- I've definitely shut up shop with, um, real people, so I'd appreciate another...

another one to have a hoon on if you give me that. (LAUGHTER)

- Jeremy, I'd like to move on to the next prize. (LAUGHTER)

- Guy!

What's your voucher? - Imagine this ―

$100 cash out of my pocket

delivered to you any time, any place.

Bring it up. (LAUGHTER)

You could be in a bind. You get me on the blower.

'Guy, $100 cash now.' I'm there as quick as can be. That's yours.

See you later. (LAUGHTER)

- And I've noticed that there's no expiry on this.

- Yeah, that's a pretty valuable voucher. (LAUGHTER)

- Does that just keep going? - Well, I'd like to negotiate it with the person.

It's definitely good once, and what we'll do is once you've got the cash,

we can have a conversation about, you know, the terms and conditions moving forward.

- David, what did you bring in?

- Ah, just bring it up.

READS: This voucher will replicate one of the other contestants' vouchers

while also beating it by 10%. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

I'm so confident, as you can see in that expiry ― infinity.

- You're gonna be on the hook for a lot of $110. (LAUGHTER)

- We're both going to be very broke.

- So that is, obviously, $110,

five and a half broadcasting lessons with Mike Hosking,

$22 to spend at Peaches and Cream,

and a tongue kiss... with an extra 10%. I'm not sure. (LAUGHTER)

- 10% extra ― maybe thumb up bum. (LAUGHTER)

- Time to score. I think it's fair to say, Urzila,

with your $20 Peaches and Cream voucher, you're only going to get one point.

Two points for you, Matt. - What?!

- Nobody wants to win broadcasting lessons with Mike Hosking. (LAUGHTER)

- You may not want them, but you need them. (LAUGHTER)

- Third, I think Guy ― 100 bucks. Laura with the pash ― four points for you,

and David, I've got to give you five points because that was sensational.

(APPLAUSE) - Thank you. - Very clever.

- OK. Ready to look at one of the infamous video-based tasks now, Paul, if you're ready.

- So, you're keen for a task?

- Yes, I'm keen for a task. (LAUGHTER)

- Like, if you were to rank your keenness, how keen? - Quite keen?

- Well, (STAMMERS) if you're as keen as a bean,... (LAUGHTER)

you're going to love this task.

(INTRIGUING MUSIC)

- Hi!

- (SNORTS SOFTLY)

- A lot of baked beans here. - Yes.

- I don't like it. (CHUCKLES) I don't like it at all.

- I suppose you want me to open all of these beans.

- All the information you need is in the task. - Oh. (MURMURS MOCKINGLY)

- I've got a bad feeling about this.

- (EXHALES FIRMLY)

- 'Spill the beans.

- 'Fastest to open the can of beans wins.'

(CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!)

- (PANTS SOFTLY)

(CAN OPENER CLATTERS)

- 'Fastest to open thecan of beans wins.'

- What does the task say? - 'Spill the beans.'

(PUREE SQUELCHES)

- Fuck.

- Oh, no. It's tomato.

- (GASPS) It's tomatoes! Dammit!

- Oh!

- (GROANS LOUDLY)

OK. (GIGGLES)

- Well, Paul, looks like we've got our work cut out for us.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- So some of the cans mayhave had tomatoes in them.

There was a pretty major mix-up at the label printing factory.

I was pretty annoyed. It made this task a lot harder. (LAUGHTER)

- You must have been really put out by that (!) (LAUGHTER)

- So whose bean spilling do we get to see first?

- Here's a calm and rational approach from David Correos (!) (LAUGHTER)

(FRANTIC POLKA MUSIC)

(CANS CLATTER)

(LAUGHTER)

- Fuck! (LAUGHTER)

(CANS CLATTER)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(SIGHS)

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER)

(CAN OPENER CLATTERS)

I think this one might be the beans. - Why?

- Because there was a red thing on the bottom of it.

No. It's tomatoes. (LAUGHTER)

Nah. It's tomatoes.

- Do you like tomatoes? - I don't mind them. They're pretty tasty.

That's not it. I'll be back.

(FRANTIC MUSIC CONTINUES)

(LAUGHTER)

Are these the beans? Please be beans.

Tomatoes! (LAUGHTER)

(TIN GRINDS)

(LAUGHTER)

(KNIFE BANGS)

(LAUGHTER)

No. That was close.

(SIGHS) Please! Beans, beans, beans! Give me beans! Come on.

Tomatoes! (LAUGHTER)

My tongue is starting to get funny from all the acid.

My God. What the fuck?

Are you serious?

(SIGHS) How have I not found these fuckin' beans yet?

(KNIFE CLATTERS)

Boom!

Boom! Fucking boom! (LAUGHTER)

There you go. There's the fucking... (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Beans done!

The fourth-to-last one! (SCREAMS)

(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

Wow. You were there while this horrific incident was taking place. (LAUGHTER)

- Correct. - How did that feel?

- I was slightly confused. It felt like he didn't understand the task.

He was opening a lot of cans of tomatoes. (LAUGHTER)

- You're such a fuck, Paul. You're such a fuck!

- I actually did offer quite a lot of help,

because on the bottom of the cans, there was a small hint.

(LAUGHTER) - No!

No!

Do you know how many cans I sucked off...

- I do. - ...for you?

- So, out of the 145 cans,

David opened 141. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

So his time was 38 minutes and 46 seconds.

- We're going to watch more comedians methodically open cans of tomatoes when we return,

but not before we open a fresh can of advertisements. We'll see you right after this.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

*

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to Taskmaster ― the number-one show on television

to prominently feature 144 cans of tomatoes and one can of beans. (LAUGHTER)

Paul, what's happening next? - Two of them say to-mah-to, and the other one says...

to-mah-to in a South African accent. (LAUGHTER) It's Guy, Laura, and Urzila.

- It's almost embarrassing to think I thought it would just be opening up one can of beans.

- Go fuck yourself, Paul. Absolutely.

(CLANG!)

- It'll probably be that one then.

(HAMMER BANGS)

(LAUGHTER)

- Tomato.

Sorry.

- How many swear words can I say on this show? - I think that's up to you.

- OK, well, (BLEEP) you, you little (BLEEP) (BLEEP) little (BLEEP). (LAUGHTER)

- Oh. That's not it.

- The red one? What does the red one mean?

- Do you know which one it is, Paul? - Mm-hmm. - Do you want to give me a clue?

- No. - OK. Worth a try, though.

- Those ones are all red. What does that mean?

(NERVOUS MUSIC)

- Is there a special meaning to the red cans?

Tell me, Paul!

- It's not that. It's not that.

Why is there a camera here? What does that mean, Paul?

(CLANG! CLANG!)

(CAN OPENER GRINDS)

- This one's gonna be a can of whoop-ass, Paul.

- I think don't open that one. - (LAUGHS) Oh, no. You're gonna get it.

(CLANG!)

- You get the feeling that's tomato.

- (SCREAMS, CACKLES)

- NEW JERSEY ACCENT: Oh my gosh, Paul.

- Beans, beans, beans, beans!

- It farted a bit more.

- You think I like hammering myself with tomato juice?

- Um, I'm not sure.

- Just because I'm doing it a lot, it doesn't mean I like it. - OK.

- (GASPS) Ah!

(YELLS)

(LAUGHTER)

- SOFTLY: Stop the clock, Paul. - Spill them.

- Hey! Hey!

Hey, there's beans in here!

- You wanna come feel it?

- I'm fine, thank you. (LAUGHTER)

- (SOBS)

- Come feel my bean, Paul. (SHOCKED LAUGHTER)

- I'm fine, thank you.

(LAUGHTER)

- Were the red ones pointing in an arrow to this one can of beans that was here?

- Yeah.

You happy with that? - LAUGHS: Who in their right mind would be happy with that?

(LAUGHTER) Look at this!

Look at me! Look at little Paul!

He's flecked with tomato juice.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- That seriously looked like one of the worst days of your life, Laura.

You looked really upset there, genuinely.

- That was― That was shit. (LAUGHTER)

That sucked so much. - I've never seen you look so defeated.

But it's interesting because, Urzila, you also looked defeated,

but it seemed like you stayed positive just by taking your aggression out on Paul.

- Yeah. (LAUGHTER)

In my life, I'm always positive ― always.

But I'm happy to take that negativity out of my life

and just throw it. (LAUGHTER)

And then the only one there was fuckboy, so... (LAUGHTER)

- You're a fuck, but you are a brilliant little fuck.

- URZILA: Yeah. Yeah. (LAUGHTER)

- So, Guy Montgomery ― 5.35.

- (DAVID GROANS) (APPLAUSE) - It's quick. It's quick.

And Urzila not too far behind him ― 9.52.

- OK. (APPLAUSE) - Laura ―

40.15. (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS, APPLAUDS)

- 40... - Was it really?

- Who's left? - We've got one left, and this guy is without a doubt one of the...

people on the show. (LAUGHTER) It's Matt Heath.

- Is there a trick to this, Paul?

Maybe there's one that doesn't say 'beans' on it, and that's the one that is the beans.

Oh, here we go. (LAUGHTER)

Could be this one. This is a totally different type of can than all the other ones.

And we have the beans!

(BEANS SPLAT)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

'Not beans.'

So, all of them said 'beans', and one of them said 'not beans',

and the one that said 'not beans' (LAUGHS) was the one with beans in it.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Great job.

- Matt took 6.41. (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS, SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

- So not much in it, really. - It was close for first, but Guy is the winner with 5.35.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Congratulations! - Now,...

- Wow! - ...it seemed like Matt just walked straight up to the can

and then opened it, but something's clearly happened here, Paul.

- Yes. Yeah, he talked to me for quite a bit at the start. (LAUGHTER)

- This is highly irregular. - I'd say it's not. He does it every task.

- Right. - Yes. - OK.

- I struggle with that 'time starts now' thing.

- So, uh, how did the points end up in the end?

- One point for Laura, two points for David, three points for Urzila,

four points for Matt, and five points for Guy Montgomery.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - I can't believe it.

- OK. Shall we have a look at the scoreboard? - It's very close.

In second place, David on seven. In first place, with eight, Guy Montgomery.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Let's throw another task on the barbie, shall we?

- Now, we all love our contestants on the show,

but did you know they had lives before Taskmaster?

It's time to learn a little about everybody's back story.

(TENSE STRING MUSIC)

- Gidday, Paul.

- Hello.

- Hello, David. - Hi, Paul.

- Why are you like a stalker outside my caravan?

- Lovely day for it. - Yeah.

- Mail?

- 'Make your hometown proud.

- 'Biggest hometown hero wins.

- 'You have 45 minutes.

- 'Your time starts now.' Fuck.

- I'm from a shit town, though.

- My hometown of Dunedin.

- Christchurch.

- Palmy North, baby.

- Christchurch.

- What's the town? - Benoni.

So it doesn't really take much. I've got teeth and shoes. (LAUGHTER)

I guess that nails it. (APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHS)

- Who's first to give it a go, Paul? - He's the pride of the south. It's Dunedin's own Matt Heath.

- Scottish vibes. Can you play the bagpipes?

- I can't. - Maybe I'll write a song to make my town proud?

To all you people in Dunedin... (LAUGHTER) ...and the wider Otago area,

this is for you. I love you. I'll be home soon.

# I was― # (CLEARS THROAT, COUGHS)

Can you give me a B? - (BLOWS ON RECORDER)

- # I was born in the South.

# Cheese roll in my mouth. (LAUGHTER)

# I really like the Octagon.

Paul! - (BLOWS ON RECORDER)

# Castle Street.

# Baldwin Street.

STRAINING: # Every Street. (LAUGHTER)

# George Street.

# I was born in the South.

# Cheese roll in my mouth.

# I really like Larnach's Castle.

- (PLAYS FLAT NOTE)

- Paul, bagpipe solo. - (PLAYS FLAT TUNE)

- Yeah!

Robbie Burns!

Josh Kronfeld!

# I was born in the South.

SLOWING: # Cheese roll in my mouth.

# I really like the Mosgiel sign. # (LAUGHTER)

- (BLOWS NOTE)

- Pretty happy with that. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- OK. So, uh, your favourite three things in Dunedin are The Octagon...

- Yep. It's like a town square with eight sides. It's incredible.

- ...Larnach's Castle,...

- Beautiful. New Zealand's only castle.

- ...and the Mosgiel sign. (LAUGHTER)

- Yep. It's a fantastic parody on the Hollywood sign.

- In terms of the street names. - Mm.

- Now, when you say 'every street', are you meaning every street in Dunedin?

- There's a particular street in Andersons Bay called Every Street.

And let's just say in the early 90s, things got a little bit dicey.

And we don't need to go into the details around Every Street.

To be fair, it's not one of the things that people from Dunedin are that proud of.

(LAUGHTER) - Strange, that (!)

- There's not much of that family left.

- LAUGHS: Oh my God! Oh my God! (SHOCKED LAUGHTER)

- But The Octagon's beautiful. (LAUGHTER)

- There's more parochial pride on the way, but first, some absolutely shameless advertising.

We'll be back very, very soon. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

*

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to Taskmaster. Tonight, four other comedians

try very hard to win $100 from Guy Montgomery, but first, they're making their hometowns proud.

Who have we got next, Paul? - Representing Benoni in the Gauteng province of South Africa ―

Benonians, I hope you're watching ― it's Urzila Carlson. (APPLAUSE)

- Benoni is 'son of sorrows', so it'll give you kind of an idea of what a happy place it is.

It was a great place. Great place to live.

WHISPERS: It's not. It's a shithole. (LAUGHTER)

So, yeah. I'm going to put them on the map somewhere better, somewhere nice.

- So, you're going to move the location?

- Yeah. Yeah, that'll make them proud. - Yeah?

- Paul, I'm ready. We'll do a little video for them and then we'll send it.

They've got internet on Wednesdays. (LAUGHTER)

- Just on Wednesdays? - Look, let's not judge.

Benoni ― it's― it's me, Urzila.

You know me ― the one that's not allowed in the plaza anymore. (LAUGHTER)

Anyway, this is Paul.

Not the map, the― there.

They don't need to see you. - OK.

- And I have taken the liberty of moving us

from there to day.

Number one ― we're bigger. We're coastal now.

I've also, um,...

written you a beautiful poem so you can feel better about yourself.

- How long is the poem? - Shh, Paul. You're fucking with the ambience here.

- Sorry. My arms are just very tired.

- Benoni, you're like cheap baloney.

Benoni, no one likes cheap baloney.

Benoni, but you know me.

Benoni, you've been below me.

Benoni, no need to be lonely.

- WHISPERS: My arms are just really tired. - Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Benoni ― come on, my homie.

Benoni, stow me in your titties.

(LAUGHTER)

Wow. That's beautiful.

Stay there, Paul.

- For how long? - I'll, um...

I'll come get you in a minute. (LAUGHTER)

- OK. Thank you, Urzila.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- This isn't easy to compare these two things,

but I really think that that poem was worse than your Christmas song. (LAUGHTER)

- If you've ever been to Benoni, you'd be giving me a standing fucking ovation right now.

(LAUGHTER)

- Who else have we got? - (URZILA LAUGHS)

- From the town of Christchurch, which is a minor settlement south of Nelson,...

(LAUGHTER) here's Guy Montgomery.

- Maybe we could turn this caravan into a sort of...

It's OK, Paul. It's just a bee.

It's not interested in you.

- Sorry.

- It's probably trying to collect pollen.

- Just trying to make sure the ecosystem doesn't collapse.

- That bee? - Yeah.

- I hope they're not worrying about that.

It'd be very difficult to just do their job if they're worrying about that.

(LAUGHTER) - That's true.

- They'd be distracted constantly by the crushing weight...

(TENSE AMBIENCE BUILDS) of the fact that virtually everything in the world

relies on that bee doing its job. - Mm.

- I could transform this, um,...

caravan into a little Christchurch.

- OK.

- Welcome to Canterbury of the past and the future and now,

and the greatest city on earth ― (LAUGHS) Christchurch, Canterbury. (LAUGHTER)

Oooooh, Christchurch!

A cathedral.

- Looks like a house.

- Nah. No way, man. It's a cathedral, and it says 'Everyone is welcome.'

Everyone is welcome in Christchurch.

- It says 'Everyone welcome.' - Everyone... welcome.

Or... welcome, everyone. (LAUGHTER)

Old Christchurch. You are going to come into some old people who are going to want to talk about boats.

Pretty much, you're going to want to keep them on boats.

So this is to honour all Christchurch sports teams,

and this is their memorial jersey designed by me.

- What does it say? - 'Well done, Christchurch sports teams.'

No matter how they've done, just good on them.

Here's the future of Christchurch.

Anything's possible.

We got a good climate, not too many hills. We love our sports.

And I would like to say well done to all the sports teams.

And in the future, anything is possible.

- (BLOWS WHISTLE)

Thank you, Guy. - Thanks, Paul.

- You happy with that? - Not really. (LAUGHTER)

- What is this you've made? - Mostly cardboard and paint.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Interesting nod to the sports teams.

So, what are your favourite, sort of, six or seven Christchurch sports teams?

- That's like asking a sports fan to choose their favourite sports teams, Jeremy.

(LAUGHTER)

- Guy, do you actually like Christchurch?

- Like it? I built a fucking museum for the place. (LAUGHTER)

- You're talking like an alien that went on holiday to Christchurch.

- Who's our next contestant, Paul?

- She's the jewel of the Manawatu. It's Laura Daniel.

- John Cleese came to Palmerston North. He insulted them.

WHISPERS: He said that the town made him want to kill himself.

Bucketheads ― that's a huge thing. The mighty Manawatu Turbos.

Maybe a tourism video for Palmerston North. - OK.

- Do you love pet cows? (COW MOOS)

Are you a teen student looking to start a family of your own?

Go the Turbos. - Go the Turbos.

- Does this green work against the green screen?

My name is Lieutenant Laura Daniel, and I wantyouto join the Palmy Army.

Joining the ranks of the Palmy Army means you'll be billeted to New Zealand's fourth-best super city ―

the... heart of the mighty Manawatu.

If you hate sand in between your toes, we don't have any beaches.

We just have this big, beautiful, brown river.

Feel free to take your shoes off and wiggle your toes through the rusty river rocks.

The river water's so fresh, you could drink it.

(SPLUTTERS)

We have great cuisine like Lone Star and at least two Wild Beans.

We have heaps of great celebrity exports on the Wall of Fame in Moxies Cafe,

like this famous person.

If I was the mayor of Palmerston North, I'd give her the key to the city.

So what are you waiting for? Join the Palmy Army today.

Except for John Cleese. You can fuck off.

Esselc nhoj etanimile.

Eliminate John Cleese.

Wow! Look. If it isn't famous hater of Palmerston North John Cleese. (CHUCKLES)

Join the Palmy Army and eliminate John Cleese. (LAUGHTER)

Palmy Pride. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- I really liked that video.

- I mean, not to take John Key's side, but it's not that great, is it?

- No, it's great. - John Key? John Cleese!

- Oh, is it John Cleese? (LAUGHTER)

I thought it was a bold move for a prime minister to have a go at one of his towns.

- (LAUGHS) Didn't you see the video?

- I drifted off, but I loved what I saw. (LAUGHTER)

- Still got one person left. - He's the pride of Canterbury ― sorry, Guy.

(LAUGHTER) It's David Correos.

- I could just go down to Christchurch.

- Just visit Christchurch? - Yeah. I really want to visit Christchurch.

Do you want to come with me?

- OK.

So what are you doing here? - I'm booking flights to Christchurch.

And, yep. That is...

booked in. Cool.

OK. - I'll see you in Christchurch.

No, I'll see you at the airport to get to Christchurch. - OK.

- This is really fun. - Yeah.

- I'm really stoked with this. - OK.

- Cool. - Do you think Christchurch will be proud?

- I think once they see what we do, I think they'll be pretty proud.

- OK. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Uh, uh, Paul. - Yes?

- You missed something. - What?

- The half an hour of me telling you what I loved about Christchurch.

- Yeah, it got cut out. - What the fuck!?

- It was, uh, quite boring. (LAUGHTER)

No offence. I can remember a lot of the stuff you listed ―

Riccarton Mall, Northlands Mall, East...

- Eastgate. - Eastgate Mall.

There was Moorhouse Avenue, Dean Avenue. I can't remember the―

- Fitzgerald. - Fitzgerald Avenue.

- The Avenues. They're called The Avenues. - The Four Aves.

- The Four Aves. - OK. So that was what you told him, but did you take him on a trip?

- He did take me on a trip, yes. - Yeah, I did!

- There's some photos. - OK. Let's have a look at the photos.

- Boom! Us at the airport. (LAUGHTER)

- So this is us on the Four Aves.

- That's Riccarton Mall. That's Westfield. - At Muffin Break.

There's another Muffin Break. - That one's Eastgate Mall. That's my hometown mall.

- Let's just talk through this image here,

which is you with some chicken and a raspberry cola-flavoured soft drink.

- Yeah. When I was a teenager, we used to be too poor to afford popcorn,

so we would sneak in that into Hoyts Eight. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Look, I even got him a Metrocard. - No. No. No, no, no.

You didn't get me one. - No, you bought one. - I bought one.

- Yeah, I stimulated Christchurch's economy using Auckland money.

- Yes. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) - That's pretty good.

- So, just to clarify, this is a different day. - Yes, he's taken about three weeks.

- Time to score. I think one point for you, David,

because you haven't made Christchurch proud.

You accosted Paul. You kidnapped him and took him down to Christchurch for the day.

- You got to meet my parents! (LAUGHTER) - I did.

- My dad gave you cookies from Cookie Time! - He did.

- Guy, you don't even sound like you like Christchurch, so I'm going to give you two points.

- (SCOFFS) - Three points to...

Matt. - SOFTLY: What?!

- Mainly because you weren't even born in Dunedin,

so I'm just going to let that off― - Shit, I forgot! (LAUGHTER)

I'm born in Oxford, in England, not... (LAUGHTER)

It was fucking ages ago!

- Urzila, four points for you, and five points for Laura. Congratulations.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Hard.

- We are going on a little vacation of our own now away from your television.

Don't worry. It won't last long. We'll see you very, very soon. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

*

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to this highly-competitive episode of Taskmaster.

We've travelled all around the country, we've eaten a lot of acidic canned fruits,

and we are ready for another task, aren't we, Paul Williams?

- Another task? I like thesoundof that.

Notice I emphasised the word 'sound'. - I did.

Because that word actually relates to the task which I'm about to play right now.

(CURIOUS MUSIC)

- Hello, Matt. - Hello, Paul.

- Hello, Urzila. - Hello.

- YELLS: Hiya, Paul!

- Do you want me to read this task? - More than anything.

- Can I guess what it's going to say?

- Yes. - 'Make the loudest noise you can.'

- So...

- OK. 'Make the loudest noise. You may not use your voice either during your noise...

- '...or during your preparation. You must salute Paul for five seconds

'before and after making your noise.

- 'Your noise must be made within 20 minutes. Loudest noise wins.

- 'Your time starts now.'

- (MOUTHS)

- (MOUTHS)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- OK.

So we are looking

for maximum volume, minimum talking.

Who's up first then, Paul? - I'm thinking Matt, I'm thinking Urzila.

I'm thinking Matt and Urzila. (LAUGHTER)

(BIN RATTLES)

(SOFT THUMP)

(CLANG!)

(DEBRIS CLATTERS)

(METAL RATTLES)

- Urzila wants to know, 'Can we kill a duck?' (LAUGHTER)

I'd rather you didn't.

(BANG!)

(THUMP!)

(THUNK!)

(LAUGHTER)

(BIN RATTLES)

- (MOUTHS)

(BIN THUDS, METAL CLATTERS)

(SHOVEL CLANGS)

(LAUGHTER)

- (BLOWS WHISTLE) - Ooh, shit.

- (SIGHS) - Should have asked for the whistle.

(LAUGHTER) - Yeah. Actually, that thing can penetrate the dead.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - (GUY LAUGHS)

- You decided just to make one noise with one strike?

- Well, was it a spike in noise or was it a length of noise, Paul? - Just, like, top noise.

- A little part of me died when that wheelie bin hit the ground. Very quiet.

- It was an incredible strategy to put all of the loud things in one noise-deafening wheelie bin.

(LAUGHTER)

- What was the decibel reading on that? - 86.8dB.

- Oh, OK. - Which is... - That's pretty good.

- Yeah, it's louder than a dishwasher.

- Wow. - Yeah. (LAUGHTER)

- Surely the other guys can do better than that. - Let's find out.

Here they are. It's...

the other team. (LAUGHTER)

A stereo?

I― I like them.

Big thumbs up from me.

DoIhave a stereo?

No, sorry.

- (SCREAMS)

- Shh.

- (GASPS SOFTLY)

- They're going to create a echo chamber.

Guy suggested a small room with pots and pans.

Thank you.

(DEBRIS CLATTERS)

(POTS CLANG)

(METAL DINGS)

(POTS CLANG)

(FRANTIC RATTLING)

- Guy thinks it might― it might be louder in the kitchen. (POTS CLANG SOFTLY)

- (LAURA LAUGHS) - (DAVID GRUNTS SOFTLY)

- (WHEEZES)

(TRIMMER WHIRRS LOUDLY)

(POWER TOOLS ROAR)

(POTS CLANG, POWER TOOLS WHIRR LOUDLY)

(FLOOR THUMPS)

(CLANGING, WHIRRING CONTINUES)

- (BLOWS WHISTLE)

(LAUGHTER)

- Thank you.

It looked loud.

- (CHUCKLES) That's a start, I guess ― to look loud.

- SIGHS: Fuck.

- That take was brilliant. - It was good. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- It did look loud. It looked loud, and I think it was loud. What was the decibel readingthere?

- 105.4dB. - Mm. That's pretty impressive. (APPLAUSE)

- Which is louder than a motorbike and almost as loud as a concert of the rock and roll variety.

- Oh, wow. Yeah. I mean, it was incredibly loud,

but there was one noise I heard during that time which was also incredibly loud.

(LAUGHTER) Can we get a playback on that, please, Paul?

- (SCREAMS)

(LAUGHTER) - Cannot use your voice.

You used your voice to make that horrific noise, whatever that was.

- You did a good job clearing out that shed! (LAUGHTER)

- And we're going to get disqualified for that.

- No, I don't think― I'm not going to disqualify you.

You guys get one point. You guys get three points.

- Yeah! - OK. OK. We're good!

OK! OK! Yeah, I'll swap with that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- We'll take it. - Oh, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

- Make as much noise as you want because you don't have to listen to us for the next few minutes.

We'll be back right after this for a stunning live task. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

*

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to Taskmaster. We're about to witness our final task

and get even closer to knowing who will win a dildo shopping spree on Urzila Carlson's dime.

But first, Paul Williams, the scoreboard is calling me. What are the scores?

- It is unbelievably close.

All on 11, it's Guy, Laura, and Urzila.

In first place on 12 points, Matt Heath.

- SOFTLY: Yes! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Jeepers. That is close.

Now there is just one thing left to do, and that is our final task.

To the stage with you all, please! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

OK, Paul. I see a dangerous-looking sword on a table. You've piqued my interest.

Would you like to get someone to read out the task, please?

- Matt Heath. - SOFTLY: Yes. (LAUGHTER)

- 'In order from left to right, select your weapon.

'Then, in order from right to left, select your snack.

'Then, taking turns, use your weapon to slice your snack in twain.

'You each have 10 seconds to make your slice. Most perfectly-halved snack wins.'

- What the hell does 'twain' mean? (LAUGHTER)

- David, please select your weapon. - OK.

- But please be sensible about it. (LAUGHTER)

- Right. There he is. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

He's taken the sword. - Guy Montgomery, please select your weapon.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE) - I respect that.

- Laura Daniel, please select your weapon.

- (BREATHES SHARPLY)

- Laura Daniel has selected a plastic knife.

- Oh, you said it in a way that I've made a mistake.

- No. (LAUGHTER)

Matt Heath. - (EXHALES DEEPLY)

(SHOEHORN THWACKS)

- (CHUCKLES) - Daddy likey. (LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE) - Whoo!

- Matt Heath has selected a shoehorn,

leaving Urzila to select... - ...the stick. (LAUGHTER)

ALL: Ooh!

- So we have a carrot, a cheesecake,...

- Yuss. - ...a cauliflower, a sausage, and a pickle.

Up first, Urzila Carlson. - Yeah, boy!

I'm gonna pull myself a tart.

Yeah. (SCATTERED CHEERING)

Yeah, you bitches leave me with a stick. (LAUGHTER)

You want me to turn around and make it dramatic?

(FUNKY HORN MUSIC PLAYS)

- (BLOWS WHISTLE)

(SCATTERED CHEERING)

(BLOWS WHISTLE) (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- She did it. - Really good. - Really, really, really good.

- 213g.

215g.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Wow!

- What?! - A difference of two grams. - Two-gram difference.

- Up next, Matt Heath.

- Aww.

- (BLOWS WHISTLE)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(EXHALES HEAVILY) 36g. - Yes.

- 40g. ALL: Ooh! - Four-gram discrepancy.

- Still pretty good, but second place.

- Yeah, four-gram difference. - Bullshit. (LAUGHTER)

- Laura Daniel. - (EXHALES DEEPLY)

- She selected a pickle.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

- Oh. - She's gone long-ways.

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS, APPLAUDS) - Pretty impressive.

- 33g. - 33g. Yep.

- 36g. - Oh.

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS) - Oooh! (GRUNTS)

- She's into second place with a three-gram difference. - Yeah!

- Up next, Guy Montgomery. - (SCOFFS)

(LAUGHTER)

- Well, you all laugh, but the alternative is a whole head of cauliflower.

(LAUGHTER)

- (BLOWS WHISTLE)

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- 49g.

87g. (LAUGHTER, SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

- David, please select what you would like to cut.

- You thought you were so awesome when you got the sword. - Yeah. Yeah.

- (BLOWS WHISTLE)

(UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES)

725g.

- OK. - Ooh.

- 490g. (LAUGHTER)

- (GROANS) - Come on down and we'll do some scoring.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Paul, who had the largest discrepancy between the two halves?

- With 235g, that was David. - David. So, one point for David.

- One point for David, two points for Guy, three points for Matt,

four points for Laura, and five points for Urzila Carlson.

- Yes! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- So we know it was close going into that final live task. - Yes.

- Where does that leave the standings for tonight's episode? - The winner, with 16 points,

Urzila Carlson! - Yes! Yes! Yes! Thank you so much. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Well done, Urzila. Get up there and enjoy your five vouchers.

Tonight, we've gained a deeper appreciation for one another.

We know that David's mouth can only withstand 140-odd cans of tomatoes before the acid startsto burn.

We know that Urzila is from a place called Benoni,

and over 1000 words rhyme with it. (LAUGHTER)

And on a personal note, I have a deeper appreciation for Urzila Carlson

because she is our winner for episode five. Congratulations.

We'll see you next time. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- I'm donating this! (LAUGHTER)

('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)

- Here we go. She's cashing in her voucher.

(RAPTUROUS CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Oh, yeah. David!

- (SCREAMS) No!

(RAPTUROUS CHEERING)

www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2021

- We're going to Peaches & Cream! (LAUGHTER)

'Create a diss track about the members of the other team.'

- I am truly terrified to find out what David does here.

- # I'm gonna, gonna, gonna drown you

# in your own blood.

# Hold your face down in your own blood now. #

- Can't wait to hear his Christmas song.