Original subtitles

Pardon me. My name is Kabir.

I am a chauffeur with 65,000 miles on the clock.

I am discreet.

The men I help is Mr Eblen-Archer.

If I can choose anybody, who's my job is to drive,

I will choose him. Morning, Kabir.

Morning, Mr Eblen-Archer.

He's such a great man. He never raises his voice,

and he never throw his food out of the window.

Lately, Mr Eblen-Archer

is recovering from medical experience heart attack.

I asked them if they could cut my heart out, give it to him...

...but this was not allowed.

His doctor tells him he must slow down.

Please create a movie about

Mr Eblen-Archer's amazing life story.

You would be making a humble driver

and a private equity fund manager very happy indeed.

What a heart-warming person!

Gee, it's not often you see somebody who admires their boss

so much they want to make a movie for them.

I don't trust him.

What? He's as cute as a pizza pie!

No, old moneybags.

Rich people give me the creeps.

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut...

HE SHOUTS

With Mr Eblen-Archer away for the week on business,

we decided to surprise Kabir

with a luxury drive in a limousine.

This time, he'll be travelling in the back of the car!

FAINT MUSIC

Treat yourself to some nibbles.

Take off your gloves. Oh, no, no, no. Never.

Fascinating to see how the other half live.

All right for some, hey?

Your parents own a Fortune 500 company.

So give us the lowdown on Mr Eblen-Archer.

He's a great man.

He even let me drive Uber over the weekend. Great boss.

I suppose we're similar in that way.

I'm always encouraging my crew

to work on their own personal projects.

Give us everything. What are his hobbies?

Oh, I couldn't possibly tell you that.

It's a need-to-know basis.

I would like to know.

We're trying to tell his life story.

Well, um... What about, um, what's Mr Eblen-Archer's first name?

Stop! That's confidential information.

He's a very private person.

You don't have to protect him, Kabir.

It's obvious he's in the New World Order.

HE GASPS

WHISPERS: Really?

It's disgusting. They all have these symbols.

One of them wears a mask.

There was a YouTube video about it, but it got taken down.

Who took it down?

Nobody knows.

So they meet up... They meet up?!

I really like this angle. This is good. It's juicy.

...they get undressed... And they piss everywhere!

No. Yeah, and they lie down really, really close to the piss

and they close their eyes

and they start rubbing each other's lumps.

And then they start... they... they start...

And then... and then they...

And there's a tube and it makes some of the piss BLACK!

Mm. I'm sorry, I thought I was telling you about it.

Yeah, yeah, that's what I mean,

because they don't want us to know.

It's a bit far-fetched to me.

I think you might have gone down a YouTube rabbit hole.

Your parents are probably involved.

Yeah, I bet they eat raw meat out of each other's arseholes!

Sebastian, that is disgusting! There's no evidence of that!

Some poshos took me to a nightclub once.

I went to the toilet and you won't believe it -

up on the wall, a condom machine!

I bet your boss is knee-deep in all sorts of sordid clubs.

I mean, he owned the golf club.

Forget it, what I said.

With a little persuasion,

Kabir led us to Mr Eblen-Archer's fortress of perversion.

While I infiltrated the inner sanctum,

Jess was fixating on an off-hand comment.

How cool is it that Sam wants us to work on our own stuff?

SARCASTICALLY: Oh, he's so compassionate.

Why can't he just give us a pay rise?

You get paid?

RECEPTIONIST: Not until February next year. That's right.

CHUCKLES: Uh-huh, OK. All right, then. Goodbye.

And what do we have here?

A symbol, a floor swastika, a clue?

Kabir, what's all this?

Relax, we just need to film an expose about Mr Eblen-Archer.

An expose about Mr Eblen-Archer?

I'm sorry. I meant to say a charming biopic about Mr Eblen-Archer.

Mr Eblen-Archer hasn't notified us of any film crews.

We do surprises. Well, the club is members only.

If that isn't proof of disgusting, scrotum-based paedophile rituals,

I'm not sure what is.

We shall become members!

Mm. That would involve a rather substantial fee.

Never you mind. The FEE is SOMETHING we can CERTAINLY PROVIDE.

One moment.

I'm thinking I'm going to show him Eleanor's Birdbath.

I wonder, do you think maybe he'd give me feedback on it?

Who the fuck is Eleanor Birdbath?

My short film, Eleanor's Birdbath.

You guys said you'd read it.

Oh! Eleanor's Birdbath!

Oh, so sorry, Jessie.

I thought you said something wildly different.

Now's your chance. SAM: Where's Sebastian?

As per usual, Sebastian had wandered off

and been hit in the face by a golf ball.

Sorry!

I shouted at him to move, but... he just stood there.

How long was I out for?

Did you finish the movie? Was it fun?

Sebastian, we've JUST arrived. We've only been here ten minutes.

Oh, neat. In that case,

I was thinking maybe I could try and be the director this week.

The director? Yeah, what do you say?

I think I'm ready to step up.

What an intriguing concept.

Ooh, I do worry it might be difficult

to insure you now that you've got a brain injury.

What about...?

Smoke... smoke machine?

Mm, smoke machine!

It's a pretty important job. No, it's not!

I want to sit in the nice chair. I need your dad's credit card.

What happened to your wallet?

You've got to stop keeping it loose!

Oh, loosey-goosey.

Your additional donation is very generous.

It is our policy to conduct a background check.

No problem.

Very nice. We want all-access here, all the secret entrances.

Well, I'm happy for you to film everywhere except the function room.

We're setting up for our big corporate weekender.

Hey? Every year, we honour our top-performing executives.

So you're telling me this place will be swarming with Epsteilians?

Epsteilians? Half-Epstein, half-reptilian.

No, I'm not saying that. Why not?

SEBASTIAN: Pretty interesting article.

Yes, he almost hit the hole in one.

Oh.

Who's that?

Bert. His father done everything for him.

He is a disgraceful, shameful Bert.

And who's that?

Cartoon.

Hey, um, I've been meaning to ask.

You know how before, in the limo...? Oh, my God,

when he was stuffing his face? That was hard to watch.

WHISPERS: We've got to be so careful.

I'm worried if any of these global elites even see him,

they'll lose their sexual appetites entirely.

I meant the personal project. I mean, he's not traditionally fugly,

but he's a bit of a mood-killer.

I could try covering him with a blanket.

Jess, brilliant!

To expose the evil underbelly of the golf club,

we needed to go deep undercover.

G'day. Not sure we've been introduced.

I'm Baby Murdoch.

Bit of a billionaire, if I may say so myself.

May I offer you an oyster, sir?

No, thank you. That's very kind.

This is my butler Smidgen. Well done, Smidgen.

Lovely to meet you.

I take it you're here for the ceremony.

ANGRILY: What ceremony, hey?!

My nanny, Miss Thwickett.

The Highest-Performing CEO Awards.

Always a bit dry, aren't they? HE CHUCKLES

Yeah. Might duck my head in.

Listen,

just between you and I, I'm desperate to unwind.

My fifth wife, she's a real ball-buster.

Yes, I'm his wife, Daniella Rochella Sinclair,

and I hope you don't mind, but I slept my way to the top.

And that's just a blanket, I'm pretty sure.

Bloke who runs this place, Eblen-Archer,

do you know him?

What's he into? Does he like smearing,

injecting things up his gooch hole?

NORMAL VOICE: No, it's not like that.

It's more sacrifices, demon meet-ups, long, wavy knives.

HE CLEARS THROAT Ms Thwickett!

Guv'nor.

He mostly keeps to himself. Andrew, do you know

if Eblen-Archer's into anything spicy?

Hmm. Well, I can't say I've ever chatted to the man.

His son seems to be going through

a bit of a rough patch at the moment.

Oh, hello. HE CHUCKLES

Sorry, I think we met before. Don't remember that!

Ooh. Sorry, do you mind not doing that?

OK. We're not here to play games.

Well, all I can say about the man is he did have that thing, um...

...thing installed.

Oh, yes, the machine that, uh, spins around.

KABIR: It allows driver to come in and out of the car park

without having to manually turn the car around.

Mr Eblen-Archer is very proud of the car turntable.

But what happens when you press the other button?

Uh, probably slides across to reveal some sort of...

Underground suck palace. No, no, it's more likely...

It's a secret temple filled with bowls of blood.

I don't think so.

I believe it's a suck-a-torium with thousands of Alopecian guards,

and they come up... Can't just make this stuff up.

I've actually researched it online!

It just went the other way. Time for some ads.

And by the way, actually get some of these products.

These are high-quality products.

I'm not seeing any smoke.

I think it's broken. Can we swap?

No, Sebastian. All right, cut there.

It looks really good. The most boring man in the world

getting driven around by the second most boring man in the world.

Who wants to watch that?

Um... Hey, I was wondering... Why are you shaking?

Uh, sorry, I accidentally wrote a short film,

um, Eleanor's Birdbath.

SHE HESITATES It's probably nothing,

but I was just, um...

I would love some notes on it if... Would you look at it?

This is a short film?

It's as thick as the Holy Bible!

I'll trim it down. Thank you so, so much.

Give dipstick a hand.

Did he understand the metaphor?

The sparrow was, in fact, the spirit of Eleanor's dead fiance.

Sebastian, press the button. GROANS: You're ruining it!

Kabir, how would you feel about trying some dialogue?

Mr Eblen-Archer prefers silence.

He prefers silence?

Well, we'd love you to say something.

Like what? Anything.

HE GROANS

I've never done this before. Just talk, improvise!

Fu... Futurama?

Soft drink.

That's what you say, is Futurama and soft drink?

HE INHALES, EXHALES

We need to get him some training, ASAP!

We were forced to enrol Kabir in a Level One improv course.

Marty's the best. And then just repeat after me.

Wah-wah! ALL: Wah-wah!

Nah-nah-nah-nah! ALL: Nah-nah-nah-nah!

Now just brrr!

ALL: Brrr!

HE GRUNTS Yes, yes, but it is rather large.

I'm sorry, sir. We only make big clocks.

Yes, you do, but I only came in for a scale and polish.

HE LAUGHS I'm always adding stuff like that!

Action! Yes, and did you hear about the person

who bought an alarm clock that was too big?

No, tell me more.

First of all, they bought it from a dentist.

Very funny for a dentist

to sell alarm clock instead of the teeth.

THEY CHUCKLE

Sebastian, easy on the smoke.

COUGHING

Hey, turn it off!

I'm trying! Sebastian!

I can't! All right. Just turn it off!

CHATTER AND COUGHING

Let's just lose the smoke machine.

Why would there even be smoke inside the car?

Right?

What do I do, then?

Maybe we can co-direct, Safdie brothers-style.

Might be best you sit this one out, buddy.

How can we liven this up?

What do you think, Winnie? Should we go handheld?

Let's just scrap this scene. It's not working.

It's a turd!

We'll get an early start tomorrow.

Big finale - the heart attack. Oh, absolutely not.

It's much too personal.

He wouldn't want that to be in the movie.

Kabir, can I have a quick word?

How can I make a bottle of wine if you won't give me...

SHOUTS: ..a single grape?

I'm sorry, Mr Director.

I felt bad for shouting and grabbing,

but I wasn't the only one feeling frustrated.

Sebastian was drowning his sorrows.

Bartender, fetch me another sack.

Yes, sir.

Yo, three more scotch and whiskies, please.

Neat. Very well, Mr Eblen-Archer.

You're the one they call Bert?

That's right.

Have you been watching me?

You don't work for my dad, do you?

No. Apparently, I'm not allowed.

These are on me, by the way.

Bro, you know what's really funny?

I used to have that same credit card...

...but then my dad took it from me.

I think I like you.

Bro, we have a great deal in common, I'll tell you that.

If anything, my parents are holding ME back.

Sam acts like their money is the only reason I'm on the team.

The only reason I'm not in charge

is the green-eyed monster, aka jealousy.

My dad is always riding me too hard.

One time I got so angry about it,

I tried to punch a hole in my own head.

And that's when they tried to lock me up,

aka send me to art therapy class.

What does that mean? I'll show you, bro.

You made these? Yep.

They're fascinating. Thank you, bro.

One day, my dream is to become

an amazing sculptor like Michelangelo. You know him?

What's funny is I showed my dad these

and I told him I wanted to leave the family business,

and, uh, he had a heart attack, man.

Imagine that.

Basically, no-one is rocking with me any more because of that.

Not actually your fault.

Nobody should live in someone else's shadow.

From what I've researched

and what I know, shadow is the absence of light.

You're a good guy. Let's do another round, Ricky. Let's go.

Come on, boys. I really need to close up.

Ricky, I don't want to be a douchebag, man,

but my dad kind of owns you, right?

Right. Right, Ricky? That is right, yeah.

So get us some more drinks, please. Right you are.

And get some cheese for the boy.

SAM: The next morning, I was at an all-time low.

I was starting to wonder

if there was even a single paedophile at the club.

Hey, chin up.

There's got to be one at this thing tonight.

Thanks, Pat. Mm.

Yeah.

Surely, there's a paedophile here.

PEE-dophile. PE-dophile.

PEE-dophile. PE-dophile!

They've got very close-set eyes. No. They're sensitive to light.

Uh-uh. Got long necks.

They're very misunderstood.

I'm gonna have to come clean here.

Hadn't really done our homework on this one.

My team and I have since gone through

a series of briefings about this community

from our employers at Channel 4...

...who are not paedophiles. Hey, Sam. I made some amends to my script.

I thought you were gonna cut it down. Yeah, I tried,

but then I had an idea for a subplot with the gardener.

You've got time. You should read it now.

Why not?

Mm.

Jack's Birdbath! Nice.

Oh, why didn't I think of that?

Looks like we were on to something. Some bastards nicked my camera!

The culprit? Sebastian.

He was developing a nasty habit of lying on the ground in disgrace.

Oh.

Methinks a bender. We've all been there.

Sebastian, I'm livid!

I'm ashamed. Hey, what's up guys? I'm Bert.

You've been playing with my tackle!

Bro, you're kind of nice with the camera, man.

I play with it when people are sleeping, man.

You didn't get permission for this.

Yo, Ricky, get on this shit.

- Try it. - Ricky. RICKY CHUCKLES

HE LAUGHS

This is creepy!

HE BEATBOXES

Bro, I don't know if I like...

I don't know if I like what you're doing there.

Don't be sucking on me. Nasty, nasty!

Bro, I got an idea.

Let's go make something, bro.

I thought we had an agreement!

I want that thing out of there! What?

What is this, a big red breast?

We made it for you.

That's it. No more personal projects!

And who is this?

Kabir, no, no, no, it's all good. They're honestly...

Don't look at that.

I'll give you �400 for it.

More if you can get me the full pair.

�1,000. It makes me rock-hard.

1,500 with VAT.

Henderson, I need this more than you do.

�2,000. 800! That's less. So what?

�5,000!

Daddy?

Thank you, thank you.

SAM: Sebastian, that's their moment, I think.

So basically, Mr Eblen-Archer's meeting in Zurich got pushed back.

He flew home and ruined our surprise.

We didn't get a chance to finish the movie,

so we had to make do with Sebastian's footage.

I hate you! I hate you!

Die! Die!

SCREAMING

Mr Eblen-Archer said that Kabir had crossed the line

and sadly, made the decision to let him go.

But what a send-off!

? I believe in miracles

? They happen all the time

? I tried to make a movie for you

? All about your life

? And in my mind, I'm driving

? And you're there right behind me

? Gonna press downtown

? With the windows down

? People passing by saying

? Hey, I like that guy

? But we can't stop

? We've got somewhere to be Tonight

? I am Kabir and I am discreet Tonight

? I am Kabir

? And I'm looking for a job

? Oh

? Tonight... ?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0