Original subtitles

Hi, my name is Ewin.

I like drawing and showing up for the boys.

Cut me and I bleed Gurnsfield United.

Never miss a game.

Come on, The Geese. Come on, The Geese.

Come on, The Geese.

WHISTLE BLOWS - No! - What's the score, boys?

Ewin, the scoreboard's right there.

LIGHT APPLAUSE No worries, boys.

Technically,

they've lost all their games

this season,

but I'll never give up on the lads.

This is the guys pleading with the ref.

Uh...

This...

This is the Yooglet.

He's got magical powers.

He's taken a vow to help anyone in their time of need.

What if the Yooglet teamed up with Gurnsfield United

and helped them to win their first football game?

Now, that is a movie I'd love to see.

Thank you.

This is what I love about this country -

the devotion, the spirit.

England's green and pleasant pastures.

This is more than just a feel-good sports movie

with a sprinkling of fantasy.

This is a boy's wish!

We can't let anything stand in our way.

Never give up! B-agh!

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

HE EXCLAIMS

I couldn't wait to meet Ewin

and find out more about his little green character.

We cruised into Gurnsfield to catch up

with the man of the match himself.

Congratulations, Mr O'Donohue.

What are your thoughts on today's selection? Huh?

He's real!

Oh, my God, it's you!

You must be riding high after today's fantastic result.

Do you have anything to say to the fans at home?

Oh, my God, you're gonna make my movie!

Well, there you have it.

The penny has dropped and the gaffer is speechless.

At the end of the day, he's played a real blinder.

Great vision from the lad himself. Can I do mine?

Have you got one prepared? Yeah.

Sorry, mate, I don't think we've got time.

It's my moment, mate.

Hmm?

I can't wait to tell the lads about this tomorrow at training.

Oh, you go and watch the training as well?

Yeah. Training's just a curry before kick-off, really.

You know, they chat about tactics, I guess,

and I get goat jalfrezi. Oh.

Um, are your parents around?

We just have a few forms we'd like them to sign.

My parents? No, they're in Devon.

It's all right. Give it here, I'll sign it.

You know, it's nice to see a bit of paper.

Everything's gone all digital, hasn't it?

I'll grab a pen.

Devon? Goodness me.

I'm dying to know more about this little Yoog-Yoog fella.

He's quite charming. Really, he is.

It's pronounced Yoog-let.

I'm sorry, it's just that I'm a big fan.

I'm still surprised you got the rights.

Honsworth is a real bulldog.

Hold up, what's happening? What rights?

Houston, we have a pen.

Uh-oh. Slight oversight here.

It turns out that The Yooglet is actually a quite well-known

existing English children's book character,

created by Sir BBB Honsworth.

The Yooglet was voted the third best Briton of all time,

has a chain of department stores,

two airports named in his honour,

and he can be found on the back of every 10p coin.

Suffice to say, Jess had somehow failed to include The Yooglet

in my official dossier on the British way of life. I'm so sorry!

I thought I got everything!

I hope one day I can forgive her.

How can I bring together the people of the Empire

if I'm totally ignorant of their beautiful culture?

PAT: Sam, he's, like, a national treasure.

We had to memorise the books at school.

There's 50 of them.

I mean, this fella's got a reasonable selection,

but he's missing all the classics.

The Yooglet Takes Rhodesia.

Rhodesia? Yeah.

That one got me through my divorce.

Have you been living under a fucking rock?!

That's a pretty serious allegation.

Man, the Yooglet seems like he has a lot of wisdom.

I wish we had him in Australia,

instead of Melanie Pelican.

Melanie, have you been out in the sun again?

God, you are riddled with melanomas. GROANING

Don't forget to wear sunscreen, kids!

Puppets give me the willies.

Look, we can just make the movie anyway.

We'll just say he's a different kind of gnome.

He's a forest friend.

Last of the noble order of the elder flower hog imps.

Last of his kind - nice.

Is that a serious suggestion?

This is BBB Honsworth,

he'll smell a knock-off a mile away.

Do you...? Do you want him to send in the suits?

I can't be dealing with the suits.

It felt like Ewin's dream was just out of reach.

We'd need a miracle to get the rights.

Thankfully, I'm in the miracle business.

We track down BBB Honsworth at his unlisted country estate.

I mean, we should cut our losses.

Sam, he hates visitors. Like, hates them.

You know, he's not been seen in public

since he tried to filibuster the Good Friday Agreement.

Listen, I made a promise to that sweet Ewin.

Not just to him,

but to these British Isles we all call home.

WINNIE GROANS

Winnie, don't vomit. Do we have some kitchen roll?

Ah, sorry.

It's just pre-Honsworth nerves.

The man is a god to me.

I'll be all right once I'm inside.

Inside his house! Jesus!

His actual house!

WINNIE GROANS

Sorry.

If only we had some sheets of kitchen roll.

Winnie, maybe you should sit this one out.

PAT: I'll look after him. No!

Winnie, you've twice vomited.

What if you freak out and get a stiffy?

You can't take this away from me! No!

Wait outside.

Sam!

With the only British-born members of the crew recovering outside,

we'd have to work hard to assimilate.

It was a privilege to see

a traditional dipping ceremony up close.

I found your email to be morbidly offensive.

I'm simply not in the business of prostituting out my beloved Yooglet

to every Tom, Dick and Harry who wants to make a motion picture.

Not after what happened last time.

? We try to grow up... ?

Well... Oh, yes.

"This is not my first rodeo,"

as those fat Americans say.

Thank the Lord we stopped that abomination.

Can you believe they put my sweet, nubile Yooglet

in a baseball cap?

Lucky bastards.

Oh, what are we doing?

Let's get in there, Pat.

He can't see me. What?

I didn't want to say anything,

but I've got a bit of a history...

...with Honsworth,

back when I was running game with my uncle Pat.

Your uncle's called Pat as well?

Everyone in my family is.

We slightly borrowed The Yooglet's branding for a business venture.

You silly bitch!

I had tickets for that!

Totally ruined my 90th.

These flash new characters

with their blue hair and bisexual tofu...

That's not who we are!

The Yooglet is an Englishman.

As English as fish and chips,

a ciggy and a Brompton,

a thousand years on the West End.

Yes... Of course,

Johnny Foreigner doesn't get that. HONSWORTH SCOFFS

In truth, the only way that I would green light a Yooglet picture

is if I knew it was going to be done properly,

faithful to the source material

and with an entirely British crew

on-screen and behind the camera.

ENGLISH ACCENT: Oh, I simply couldn't have put it better myself,

my lordship.

ESSEX ACCENT: That's exactly... That's exactly right.

To be fair, I'm not being funny.

You all right, love?

Probably just have a night in actually.

COCKNEY ACCENT: Love Stonehenge.

Born and raised Stonehenge myself.

Cafe culture. Absolutely bonkers. Oi, oi!

Don't mind if I use the toilet on the way out.

Love to have a go on the bloody toilet.

I had no idea. Fellow countrymen.

Oh, my darlings!

Winnie, you weren't wrong.

Honsworth is a true gentleman of the crump-ington order.

His entrustings shall not be in vain.

Don't tell me that. At least lie about him.

What are you on about? He said yes? You got the rights?

We got the rights.

I just got my first kiss, right up top!

A kiss from Honsworth?

That's it, let's get back in there.

ALL PROTEST Restrain him!

Please! Please!

With Honsworth's blessing,

nothing could stop us from bringing The Yooglet to the big screen.

Now, enough classic banter.

Time for some footy.

Be careful, he's an old dog.

What's for lunch, then? I'm rather peckish for lunch.

Oh, I got sushi.

No, no, ditch that. Roast dinners all around -

it's got to be.

He lives.

The Yooglet.

Make it go, Sebastian. Fire it up.

Sam, I'm a little uneasy about this.

Sebastian, you're always going on about puppets.

You love puppetry.

We may have got our wires crossed a little bit.

They are my main phobia of the 12 major phobias.

EWIN CHUCKLES It's The Yooglet!

EWIN GASPS Wow. Can he speak?

Make him... Make him say my name.

Say his name. Say my name.

Say my name! Just say it. Right now!

Say it! You will say his name! You will say my name!

Do his bidding! Say my name! Now!

I love you, Ewin.

Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho! Oh, fuck!

That is good.

Ah! All right, lads, let's get you into make-up, eh?

Can he put a spell on me?

Can you fly? All right, fella. What?

My turn.

Oh!

Winnie.

Oh.

ENGINE REVS

What can I get for you, missy? Jog on.

Aw, that's no way to say hello to your uncle, is it?

Enjoyed your article.

Always good to see a Pat in the paper.

You got the keys to the kingdom.

The Yooglet is ours at last. We're back in business.

I don't work for you any more, Pat. I've gone legit.

Who's doing your merch?

Knocked up a few samples, I have.

Hey? Hey?

Let's collab, Pat.

I'd have to check the call sheet.

I'm not sure we need a two-bit con man

who smells like a puddle.

You know, I didn't have the time of my life in prison,

but they never caught you, though, did they?

Funny that.

RADIO STATIC Pat, where you at?

Sorry, that's my boss.

The dog drank a Boddingtons - is that bad?

Change your mind. No!

Change your mind. Come here! Argh! Change your mind!

Shut up! Change your mind! Change your mind!

Hey, cheeky.

I know what you're thinking.

You want an ice cream, don't you?

I'll get you one. What do you want?

Nah, you're all right.

I'm saving myself for this roast.

He would probably have been repulsed by me.

Another creepy Yoog-head drooling all over him.

Oh, you couldn't be more wrong, sir.

Mr Honsworth would be proud to call you a forest friend.

Aw. You see me.

JESS: What kind of kid doesn't want an ice cream?

Excuse me, this is private.

There you are.

That's different.

THE YOOGLET MURMURS

W-ah.

What is that? Is that a dog?

Agh!

His name's The Yooglet.

He wants to help us.

Mate, we've got a massive match this month.

I think I just found our secret weapon.

He's got abilities.

THE YOOGLET GROANS

Yes! CHEERING

I'd like to incorporate a new tactic...

...kindness.

If the midfielders could just employ a gentle... Cut.

Sebastian, I can see your mouth moving.

It looks fake.

Yeah, but I'm not even on screen.

You're still doing it.

What's the issue? I'm not on camera.

Just don't move your mouth when you talk.

I think ventriloquism can take years to master.

They should really teach it in schools. Yeah.

Nathan, is it? Quick word?

Nobody likes it when footballers get political, yeah?

Sure.

Excuse me?

The suits?

I can't be dealing with the suits!

Sam Campbell? Yeah.

You are in breach of copyright law.

No, no, there's been a mistake.

We had an agreement with Mr Honsworth.

Mr Honsworth embraced us.

A kiss on the top of the head isn't legally binding.

Top of the head. Our client is not of sound mind.

He couldn't give you the rights even if he wanted to.

They belong to the board of trustees.

Mr Honsworth only has permission to appear next to the character

in his commercials for prescription-strength deodorant.

In fact, there are grounds to file a lawsuit against you

for mental distress to our client.

No comment. I know my rights.

My client doesn't have to say anything

without also getting to wear a nice suit.

I ask that we may call a Ploughman's truce.

We stand together as brothers.

May the sun never set on the...

Meaningless.

You have blatantly stolen our client's intellectual property.

And that thing will need to be incinerated.

Sebastian? Please, professional lawyers.

This is all I have.

I can't go back to my human form.

When are we filming the penalty shoot-out, ey?

Nutmeg. EWIN CHUCKLES

Go on, tell him.

Look this innocent child in the eye

and tell him his movie can't happen because we didn't get a certificate,

whatever it is.

Child? What are you on about?

Don't cry, Ewin.

Don't let these bastards see you cry.

I'm 40.

I'm 40 years old.

Parents? No, they're in Devon.

Devon? Fuck!

I'm saving myself for this roast.

I'm 40 years old.

40. You're 40?!

Why do you love The Yooglet so much?

You really are very thick.

Do your research, mate. Everyone loves The Yooglet.

Oh, that's right.

He's an institution.

Come along now, Mr Honsworth.

Please, if you would, could you sign, for an old fan?

Oh, Christ. Go on, if you're quick.

Ah, this young whippersnapper has dug up an old classic.

"The Yooglet Fingers A Pygmy."

Ah, that was a fun one.

Um, where did you get these?

Oh, I've had most of these since I was knee-high to a grasshopper.

I've got the entire collection.

The entire collection? Yes.

Turns out a few of the old books had some pretty dicey titles,

along with some rather troubling inscriptions.

I agreed to hand over Winnie's box of evidence

in exchange for the rights to The Yooglet

and 12 cases of the prescription-strength deodorant,

for a friend.

Ewin made me realise football isn't about what happens on the pitch.

It's about everyone in the terraces supporting their team.

I sacked the players and started over.

This one is for the fans.

Agh!

Yoog Street. GROANING

Big game on Sunday,

so we thought we might pay a little visit to the ref.

WHISTLE BLOWS Ever since The Yooglet

took over the firm,

we've been a bit more "hands-on" with our support.

There he is!

- Football! - Yeah! ALL YELL

Shame we had to ditch the Gurnsfield boys.

Jess, you still have so much to learn.

Those guys are born losers.

They'll never be legendary footballers, like Messi...

...or Ronaldo.

Ah, looks like you were a bit quick to judge your uncle Pat, Pat.

Winnie, that man lives by the code of the fairground.

Sam must have given him something.

- Hey. - Well, there you have it... CHEERING

...The Geese have earned a well-deserved corner.

There will be celebrations in Gurnsfield tonight.

That'll be �6.50, please, mate.

Champion-ay! CHEERING

I didn't realise these pints were...

Were for The Yooglet.

These are on the house.

THE YOOGLET GROANS

MUSIC: Rule, Britannia!

ALL: # Rule, Britannia

? Britannia rules the waves

? Britons never, never, never shall be slaves... ?

More suits. What now?

Sam Campbell? Hello.

We've seen what you've done.

? Shall be slaves... ?

We're from the Home Office.

We would like to offer you full British citizenship.

I accept this honour.

Everything I do is to further the British cause.

ALL: # Rule, Britannia

? Britannia rules the waves

? Britons never, never, never

? Shall be sla-aaa-aves. ?

ICE CREAM VAN JINGLE

Look, Dad, it's The Yooglet.

Hello, dad. Hello, boy.

Are you ready to eat some nice ice cream?

Oi! I can still see your fucking lips moving, mate!

It looks fake!

MUSIC: Rule, Britannia!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0